Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 432: Buzz Compartment with Daniel Van Kirk

Episode Date: June 13, 2016

Comedian and writer Daniel Van Kirk joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what it's like to do whippets, visiting amusement parks as an adult, and new words like "plurnt" and "woke".  Plus, Daniel brings a new definition of the word "chode" and the guys start a political movement: #NotAllChodes.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I felt like I was kind of yelling that introduction. I don't know why. I don't know. Maybe are you, do you have some sort of personal, some sort of personal goal to be more dynamic or more in your face? I'm just upset about superdelegates.

I can't decide if I'm for them or I'm against them. Just how super are these delegates? They don't seem that super to me. It's just a bunch of ex-governors of Wyoming. I think they just call them the superdelegates because they get their power from Earth's yellow sun. Oh, really? Yeah. Is that so? Are there different power rings that they might have, superdelegates?

No, those are the delegate lanterns you're thinking of. Oh, got it. There's Guy Gardner, the rogue delegate. That is very funny, just for the people at home. That was very clever of me.

Guy Gardner, the rogue delegate? Yeah. That has something to do with lanterns? Yeah, there's Guy Gardner, the rogue lantern. He's the mean green lantern. Wait, there's a mean green lantern? He's like kind of an in-your-face jerk, kind of like you were in your intro. There's a whole family of green lanterns, right? Like there's a green lantern dog and shit?

There's a green lantern dog. There's a Hispanic lady lantern these days. There is? Jessica Cruz. Oh. Fan favorite. She sounds spicy. Yeah.

Well, that's racist. Oh, got it. Sorry. Give her credit, Jessie, because she got her power from a lantern ring from Earth 3. Okay. Which is where the... You know what? Fuck, I want to punch myself in the dick.

Jesus Christ. Let's talk about something else. This is terrible. Should we introduce our guest? I think he's here from... He's visiting from Earth 3. He's part of the crime syndicate. He's a comic and one of the hosts of the Sklarbro County podcast. He's a regular on Sklarbro Country as well. Beloved podcaster. Beloved across this great nation. Daniel Van Kirk, how are you, sir?

Hey, guys. How are you? Good. I'm great. What's your favorite alternate Earth? Kirk, how are you, sir? Hey, guys. How are you? Good.

I'm great. What's your favorite alternate Earth? Oh, I don't know. The one where there's a Spider-Man that looks like the head's way too big for the body. Oh, like anime Spider-Man Earth? Yeah. Yeah. It's cool that one of the Earths is more anime-ier. Yeah.

Because it really proves the predictive power of anime. Didn't they do like a Spider-Verse recently where it was like all the Spider-Men from all the different dimensions? Oh, boy, howdy. I read that Spider-Verse. It was great. Yeah, I heard it was phenomenal. All the Spider-Men were there. Girl Spider-Men, Japanese Spider-Men, Indian Spider-Men.

Everybody's coming together to fight some Victorian bad guys who suck your powers out. Like vampires. Yeah. Indian Spider-Man? Oh, yeah. Indian Spider-Man is one of the most popular alternate Spider-Men. I didn't even know there were alternate Spider-Men. I knew that there was an alternate Spider-Man that everyone wanted Don Glover to be.

There's so many alternate Spider-Men. There's more alternate Spider-Men than there are alternate Lanterns. There used to just be three? Yeah. Spider-Man? Those were the days. Spectacular Spider-Man? Amazing Spider alternate Lanterns. There used to just be three? Yeah. Spider-Man? Those were the days. Spectacular Spider-Man? Amazing Spider-Man.

Sure. That was it. And they were all white. And men! I know about... Thank you very much. Simpler times. I know about black and white spacesuit Spider-Man.

Sure. Is that one of the Spider-Man's? Well, underneath that black and white suit, he was all white. Oh, yeah. All Caucasian. That's true. Oh, Venom. Thank you very much. No, underneath that black and white suit, he was all white. Oh, yeah. All Caucasian. That's true. Oh, Venom.

Thank you very much. No, this is before Venom. Yeah, you're right. Spider-Man wore a black and white suit, and then that thing was invading his brain or something. Sure. And it was turning him evil. Yep. So he rejected it. But what was cool about it was he didn't need spider web packs anymore because the spider websbs were right there inside his spaceman suit

yeah I like the spider-man that organically has the webbing I kind of do too I know that was that was some early there was some early

nerd complaints about the Sam Raimi spider-man that the webs were organic and not from a shooter but it seems like

it puts more questions to bed sure you know I have an issue here. Sure. I don't want to hear any complaints about the Sam Raimi Spider-Man. Sure.

That's like the only fucking comic book movie thing I liked. Oh, Spider-Man 2 is almost perfect. Yeah, Spider-Man 2 is... I remember I went to see Spider-Man 2 and I came out of it and I was like, holy shit, that was fucking great. Let's make a shit ton of those movies. It did not work out as I expected. It did not. No, as i expected no no saying to

somebody i don't like that villains never come back like villains are always one off yeah like doc ock should have shown up again by now like but it's always like like even in the batman's like let's say heath ledger hadn't passed away would we just say that he beat the joker like why wouldn't the joker be back in the next one, too? Because in the comics, Batman's constantly rambling these guys. He's always skulking around. Yes. The Joker's always half a step outside the frame.

I think that, yeah, I think that it would happen if we weren't rebooting these things so often. Oh, man. So I think that, you know, we would get our second Joker or our second Doc Ock if we weren't, you know. Yeah. If they weren't some of the gosh darn reboots. No, Doc Ock. With women, right? Doc Ock, Jordan.

What's next? Yeah, female Doc Ock? Doc Ock is Dr. Octagon, the Cool Keith side project. Yes, yes. It is that. I'm really excited about the new Spider-Man reboot, which is going to have half shark, half alligator man from Dr. Octagon. So that'll be cool. I think so.

Dan, you were telling us before, speaking of reboots, retreads, sequels. Yes. You were telling us that you recently sat down and watched the second Ninja Turtles movie, Out of the Shadows. Did you see the first Ninja Turtle movie, Secret of the Ooze? No, and I had no clue what was happening. No, I didn't. But I...

That's for the best. Yeah, I think so. I mean, even if you're going to watch the second one, don't go around watching the first one. You totally don't have to. There are a couple moments of dialogue that are okay. Okay.

The movie as a whole is not that good. Like Cowabunga? Yeah, yeah. The Will Arnett scenes are usually actually very good. Oh, I didn't know Will Arnett was in this universe. Yeah, I didn't know that either until I went into it. He's in the first one too, I think. Yes, he is in the first one.

He's like the main human in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except for April O'Neil. Exactly. Oh. Yeah. The famous television reporter. Tyler Perry crushes. There's no main human in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except for April O'Neil. Exactly. Oh. Yeah. The famous television reporter. Tyler Perry crushes. Well, I mean, what else does he do? Exactly.

I will say this. If we were all 9 to 11 years old, never forget 9 to 11. Sure. We would. It's a really important age group. It is. Let's never forget 9 to 11 we would it's a really important age group let's never forget them a lot of important developmental things are going on a lot of people aspire to be firefighters

police officers FBI agents from that age and it's a really great age to just concentrate on some inside jobs I agree that is the perfect age for jet fuel not to be able to melt jet fuel can't melt that's when you realize that

that's when that's the age when you that comes something and you get your first sort of self conscious boners hey hey weird if there's any weird Twitter people listening, I'm talking to you, wolf pupae. I think you could put up a picture of that dead gorilla with the caption, Jet fuel can't melt steel tweeds, and it would be very on brand for you. Yeah. So that's a free one for you, weird Twitter. Free memes. Free memes.

Dank meme. Maybe some sunglasses could go onto the gorilla's face. If we were that age, we would love that movie. You think at nine to, yeah, yeah. We would love that movie. And then I think that our nostalgia would end up making up for a lot of the ways in which it lacks. But I saw a few headlines that were like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 2 Secret of the Ooze is not as horrible as it should have been and in fun in some ways. And I was in the mood to see a dumb movie.

And I thought, all right. This is it. Yeah. So I went and saw it. And it lived up to its billing of being dumb. How were, because this was an exciting prospect for me. I was a Ninja Turtle kid growing up. Oh, yeah, me too. I knew the rap.

I liked the idea that we were finally going to get to see Bebop and Rocksteady on the big screen. They're pretty good. Yeah? Yeah, they're pretty good. They look phenomenal. What threw me off is that all the Turtles look different. Did you know that? I did not know that i did

not know that like um donatello is very slim like very slim and then rafael is huge like donatello's like how slim like kareem abdul-jabbar slim somewhere around there yeah Maybe like a Tobey Maguire turtle. Got it. Sure. And then Raphael is like the rock turtle. Because when we were young, they all just were the same exact thing with different colors. Yeah, they had different color. That was it. Head strings. Exactly. And that was it.

No, this is very – they took a lot of time to make them all look individually different. They took a lot of time to make them all look individually different. Well, I think what they're doing is that they're really making a turtle for every body type. Because there's so many body types out there, a lot of different kids. It's called the campaign for real turtles. Sure. Just as long as they stay men, that's all. Thank you.

And white. As long as they stay white men, I'm fine with them being a little chunkier or a little curvier. Sure. Real turtles have shells. All I really care about is the fuel can't melt steel tweens. Is the van that shoots pizzas. Oh, yeah. What's their vehicle situation? They do.

They have that. It's like a dumpster truck. Shoots manhole covers. Not pizzas, though. But they did do pizzas in the show, but it didn't show up there. There's a whole sequence with that. Well, it's got to be more realistic. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Darker. I saw that and I saw Popstar this weekend. Oh, I've heard Popstar is real good. It is very good. Kind of a little bit of a MacGruber maybe. Yeah. It has a couple of moments that almost get up to like scenes that get up to like almost a Sp spinal tap level of modern day spinal tap that said spinal tap is a very boring movie you know what

though that's true i was thinking this too while i was watching it i'm like oh this is more of a reflection of our time because it moves so fast paced and is like quip quips and stuff like that whereas spinal type you do have a lot of those really sitting in it scenes where they sit in it for too long. I'm like, no studio would let you make that movie anymore because this needs to move. This needs to move. I've tried to watch Spinal Tap twice as an adult

with my wife. The first time she fell asleep within like 10 minutes and the second time she fell asleep maybe 25 minutes in after growing to hate me. Basically, both were total disasters. Like I think Spinal Tap, God bless it, is a movie with several amazing, hilarious ideas in it. Just perfect, gorgeous ideas that you want to talk to your friend about for the rest of your life

and the rest of it's super fucking boring. Yeah. Well, do you think, like, look at a scene like it goes to 11. Maybe this is sacrilege. No, no, no. But is that scene even funny, or have we made it funny over time?

Like, everyone always saying, like, oh, it goes to 11, and we're like, yeah, that is funny. But in the moment, is that scene even really that funny? Well, that one joke is funny. It is. The problem is.

It is a great joke. It's probably, I don't remember. It's been, I don't think I made it through those times that I tried to watch it with my wife. But that scene's probably 12 minutes long. Right. You know what I like? When Harry Shearer goes to the metal detector and he has a cucumber wrapped in tinfoil in his pants. Just because he wants to freak out the TSA guys.

I thought that was funny. See, I wonder that. There's a lot of good things. There's a lot of funny things. It's fine. I'm not saying there's not. Right. But that's my point.

Maybe we're all collectively pulling moments. But in the context of the movie, it's very easy to fall asleep to. This is the perfect time for us to not talk about Ghostbusters, the original Ghostbusters. Sure. This is like, I feel like there's never been a better time for us to not touch that with a 10-foot pole. More of the cartoon, I think. Yeah.

A lot more of the cartoon being remembered. I agree with you. Yeah. The cartoon was great because Slimer was their friend. Yes. That's true. Can I with you. Yeah. That was, the cartoon was great because Slimer was their friend. Yes. That's true. Can I ask you a question?

And he was a man. About something you opened up with? Yeah. The superdelegates thing? Yeah. Does it seem like every year, maybe just because I'm getting older, the more people learn

about how our system works, the more angry they get about it? Like it was, you know, like in 2000 and was that four? We all learned that you don't necessarily need the popular vote to win the election. And we all kind of got collectively pissed. And then over the course of this week, we're all learning that like the super good delegates don't even vote until July and that they can all change whatever they've said.

And so people are mad about that. Like the more we all collectively start to learn about how this process works, the more pissed people get about it. Yeah, I think you're right. It's something that's easy to forget. Like when you're away from an election. Sure. It's like, why would you sit around thinking about how weird our electoral process is?

You wouldn't. Right. You know, because you got stuff to do. Right. You got to go to Trader Joe's. And then it dawns on 36-year-olds around the time that they really start to care, like, how this works. And they're like, bullshit. 19-year-olds and 36-year-olds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 19-year-olds who are tapped in. Sure. Yeah, and 36-year-olds who have finally started to be part of the collective conscious of, like, our news media cycle and how our government works. And they're just, like, pissed off. And you're like, yeah, it's always been this way. You just didn't care until now. I think the same guy explaining to you why superdelegates are bullshit is the same guy who has a long, like, complicated, like, a long, complicated explanation for how to get out of a DUI.

And he explains it to you in the same way. Like, oh, here's how you beat it. You have a sealed bottle of Jack Daniels in your glove compartment. And when you get pulled over, you make sure the cop sees you break this. Take the keys out because you're technically not driving the vehicle. Sure, yeah. But a superdelegate is just a guy, you know, like – and he just has political influence. And like it's just the way – and they explain them in the exact same way.

And these are the two things – and like when someone is explaining in that way, my instinct is to like tune out and try to leave. Yeah. So even if it's like very important, our electoral process, but also it just ticks a little fight or flight response in me. I can understand it. Which I usually pick flight. You feel like you are trapped inside of one of those videos where a white guy refuses to help a border patrol officer or whatever. That's like a big genre. I've never seen this kind of video.

This is like one of the – after – Is this a porno? After Disney toy unboxing and makeup toots, the top – the third biggest genre of video I would say on YouTube is just a white guy driving around Texas until a border agent stops him and then saying, I don't have to submit to a search because you're not a real police officer. Anywhere from seven minutes to an hour and seven minutes of a cracked window. He's like, sir, I don't recognize your authority. I don't – and they just do this over and over. And sometimes they just read from the Constitution. Oh, boy.

But we can all agree that that border agent was totally owned. Totally owned. Got owned. Serious ownage. That is the point. That is the point. Those videos are horrid. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I believe in freedom, too.

Me, too. I guess. I don, I believe in freedom too. Me too. I don't know. Maybe I don't. Yeah. I just wish like their presentation was better. You would like a little razzle dazzle? Yeah. Well, maybe like I don't want to say have a script, but have a loose outline.

Right. For the DUI? Have a couple beats you're going to hit. So you want to see it more like Curb Your Enthusiasm style. Yes, exactly. Like loosely scripted. So there's a whole narrative. Like the moments, the beats are scripted, but it's like a beat-to-beat thing.

Yeah. The actual dialogue comes from the improviser. Yeah. I would like to see it as more of like a Dancing with the Stars thing. You know, get real network TV money in there and just show what you can do production values-wise. You know, get an money in there and just show what you can do production values wise. You know, I'm like, get an audience in there. And a big audience, like a real big audience. Get Steve Harvey in there.

Maybe the whole thing is, well, I was going to suggest, I mean, Steve Harvey, always a great choice. He will be shot because he is black. Well, if we don't want that on our hands, what about Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath? Okay, there we go. Mark McGrath, the ultimate in white privilege. There is no more privileged man in America than Mark McGrath. Warren Buffett is more likely to be targeted by systemic oppression than Mark McGrath. Yeah, I'm all for it.

I say we get McGrath in there. We get McGrath disagreeing with those Border Patrol agents, disagreeing with those police officers, telling them they don't have the right to search his vehicle. And in fact, with McGrath, I say we don't put in things that are definitely illegal, but things that are sort of illegal. Like whippets? Like Whippets? Yeah, exactly. Whippets, I think, is the perfect example. Because they don't have reasonable cause to believe that Mark McGrath has Whippets in his car other than just he's a cool party dude.

Or maybe he has his own ice cream shop and he's using it for the whipped cream gun. Yeah. Maybe he's a barista. We could get him an ice cream shop. I'd go to that ice cream shop. That'd be great. Have you guys ever done Whippets? I have done Whippippets once was it worth it uh i didn't i didn't love it well i never have done it but from what i can tell it's like what a second a half of whoa and then nothing

yeah i mean the here's the thing about whippets i wouldn't go on a roller coaster that long yeah like it's just a quick like like a yawn right it's the equivalent like a good yawn oh yeah so here's the thing about wh a good yawn. Oh, yeah. So here's the thing about Whippets is that the atmosphere around doing Whippets is always very fun. Oh, okay. Like people are there to – like it's like being in a Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Oh, I love a good Margaritaville. It's part of one of my Vegas staples.

Oh, absolutely. Never do a Vegas trip without visiting Margaritaville. Side note, Margaritaville, LA.A., come into CityWalk next year. That's a perfect fit because slightly surly-looking Latino teens love Margaritaville. They absolutely do. And they love CityWalk. Yeah. They love the flip-flop rock of Jimmy Buffett.

Yep. What were we talking about? You were saying the atmosphere around. Yeah. Jimmy Buffett. Yep. What were we talking about? You were saying the atmosphere around. Yeah. It's like every, like, you know, like sometimes you can be smoking pot and it's sad.

Sure. Like you're just lazily hanging around with a couple of other, you know, of your dumb buddies and you're smoking pot and you're watching something that's not. So like that, you know, that is a drug experience that isn't necessarily boisterous right but i think when the whippets come out people are like committed to having a good time i think it's like a costume party kind of like your a costume party is usually you know regardless of how you feel about dressing up it's usually more fun than a regular party just because like everybody's energetically on board like it's a It's like we are here to party. I saw at Sketchfest NYC maybe seven years ago, something like that.

There was a closing show that was just for performers at midnight. And you weren't supposed to talk about it anywhere, certainly not on your podcast. But our friend Kurt Braunohler and another comic, a lady comic who I know less well and has not been on this show, so her name I will not reveal. But Kurt, I'll throw under the bus, did a set. I'll put that in quotes, which was essentially a whippets doing contest. So they just had a lot of whippets. contest. So they just had a lot of whippets. And then they alternated doing whippets

until someone collapsed or something. I can't remember what happened. Someone had to sit down and thought they might throw up or something. They really did take it. They went.

It was a lot of fun I mean, I didn't do any whippets I've never done any whippets, but that's my primary whippets experience and it was a hoot I mean, if you get a chance to set up some whippets with Kurt Braunohler I cannot recommend it enough

Yeah, I would do it under that, those circumstances for sure, if Braunohler was there Yeah, I just remember watching people do. Those circumstances for sure. If Brown Holler was there. Yeah. I just remember watching people do it. It just looked like so many quick up and downs. I'm like, yeah. You want to do another one?

You want to do one more? I'm like, oh, the payoff doesn't – the dragon you're chasing does not seem very big. It's very bad for you. Yeah, he's a brief and elusive dragon. It is very bad for you too, isn't it? I think it is pretty bad for you, yeah. Probably pretty bad for you. You could get some sort of brain bubble. Yeah.

Seems like something that would cause a brain bubble. Nothing we endorse. No, of course not. No. You know, a stroke is a brain attack. Yeah. Alonzo Bodden taught us that. Sure.

Bowden? Bowden. Alonzo Bodden? I'll go Bowden. Yeah. Dan, I know you do a lot of shows at the old UCB theater. Yeah. Dan, I know you do a lot of shows at the old UCB theater. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that is the kind of thing you see a lot at the UCB,

you know, kind of during midnight shows is there's like, do acid and do improv. Maybe one where it's like alcohol versus weed versus mushrooms. Have you ever done anything like that? Have you ever done one of those shows? No. I have not been invited and I'm self-conscious about it.

You're self-conscious about the fact that you haven't received the invitation? Yes. Do you think people think you're totally L7? I don't know. I hope not. I think they do. No! No, I think America agrees. Jordan is L7. This is how uninvited I must be then. I didn't even know you had to be invited. You just take some shrews

and run up there? Oh wait, you want to do the show i do want i want to be in the show oh yeah oh we could work on that yeah yeah no we could work on i mean i'm a little less involved there i mean i guess i'm a lot less involved there uh these days than i have been in the past i mean maybe i'm not on the short list but there was a time when i'm i'm sure i would have been no you're very Jordan, number one, you're very popular. You're extremely popular. I would dare say beloved.

Number two, you're a major draw. The audience is coming out to see anything Jordan Morris. Anything Jordan Morris. The show could be Jordan Morris pisses in a can and pours it on your head. Jordan. You know, I did not have a great turnout to that. But to be fair, I had a bad time slot. I had a bad time slot.

That 5.30 on a Tuesday is hard to sell. Yeah, it was Coachella weekend, so people aren't in town. I was not promoted properly. There's a new artistic director at UCB. Sure. Why don't we pitch her a show? Okay. Whip It's Whip It Good.

We have Whip It's, the CO2 container. Sure. We have the Devo song Whip It. And then we have Long Thin Dogs. Yes. All three on stage in one hilarious show. Let's pitch this show. There's a show at UCB called Celebrity Barf Machine. I've heard about Celebrity Barf Machine.

This is like a late night gross out show. Yes. It is extremely gross. But what I appreciate about it, kind of what you were saying about New York City Sketch Fest, there is no phones or social media allowed. So for whatever as innocuous or as outrageous as the show gets, there's something comforting in being like we're just living this moment and anybody else who's here or who isn't here will just have to have heard about it.

You can shit in a can if you do it mindfully. Yeah, I would dare say sometimes the mindfully is optional. Namaste. Yeah. So I like the shit within your can. I like shows like that where they're like, this will just happen here. Do you say greet it? I say yeah.

Hello, shit. I respect you. You are respect you you are powerful you are powerful yeah i think you just need to acknowledge your bodily functions and let them pass sure hello shit thank you thank you for removing those toxins from my body exactly well we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Jesse Goh. Jordan, Jesse Goh is supported in part by Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear. You can get prescription glasses starting at $95, including the lenses. My wife has used Warby Parker. She loves them.

Personally, I've got eyes like a hawk, but I think I might get some sunglasses. With the Home Try-On program, you can order five pairs of glasses shipped directly to you. You try them all on, get a feel for them, get feedback from other people. You get to keep five pairs, five days, then mail back the ones you don't want to Warby Parker in a prepaid package. Go to warbyparker.com slash JJGO. That's warbyparker.com slash JJGO for the free home try-on now. Warby Parker makes your experience completely risk-free, free shipping all around at warbyparker.com slash jjgo. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. Daniel Van Kirk at large. Love you, love you, love you to you what is a chode what is your personal definition of chode i want to clarify by the way a lot of people think of this as a comedy podcast they couldn't be more wrong yeah no this

they are fucking wrong at the heart of it this is a quest for truth this is a product of two young men with a thirst for knowledge two men who want to understand the world uh two men who need to slake their on almost unquenchable desire uh for understanding yeah ultimately understanding Ultimately this is about you know connecting people Sure. and finding out what is

at the heart of all of us and what Chode means to different people. Sure. And is the definition regional.

Exactly. These are the quick questions we have. Yeah. As a vampire will thirst for blood, we will thirst for the real definition of chode. Could chode have multiple colloquialisms? I think that's what we're finding out is that the definition has been kind of molded and changed and reappropriated over the years. I mean, like the English language itself.

Yeah. It's a living document. A lot of disagreement on how to spell chode on Reddit. I got to go C-H-O-D-E. Yeah. So there was a lot of talk about whether it was C-H-O-D-E or C-H-O-A-D. That's more of a chode. Chowed.

Chowed. Chowed. Yeah. That's kind of like a Philadelphia thing, like water. Chode. Chowd. Chode. Chowd. Chode. Yeah. That's kind of like a Philadelphia thing, like water. Chode. Yeah, exactly. I feel like chode also is one of those words that predates the internet and urban dictionary where maybe just where you were, chode was something that like an embarrassing thing

a guy had or a name synonymous with putts. Like if you were calling somebody, like, don't be a chode, man. Sure. You know what I mean? And it really could just live into whichever it was introduced into your region. Not according to the guy I went to high school with, Nick Tashjian, who popularized chode at School of Arts in San Francisco circa 1997. Nick Tashjian insisted it was a member wider than it is long.

He'd explain it to you right off the bat. Oh. He said, you know about chodes. Do you know what a chode is? That's not what I thought a chode was. What's your chode? What's your personal chode? A chode is a post-sexual act penis.

Oh, wow. So it's just kind of been worked out. This is amazing. This is a very rich definition. It borders on the elegiac. It's just kind of been worked out a little bit. Sure. Maybe, you know.

It's having a cool down. Yeah. A little cool down session. Yeah, maybe a little coloration. Sure. Not completely flaccidid but no longer erect it's just like a chode yeah the listener can't see but i'm making you're making a flopping gesture yeah yeah you're making a sort of halfway between a traditional flopping gesture and that and that

gesture with the thumb that bill clinton likes yeah yeah for some reason i also thought of karate kid part two even though i know that this that this is more of a back and forth. But for some reason, I thought this is kind of like Karate Kid Part 2. I don't know why I'm doing a flopping motion. So I would do more of a wiping motion like Karate Kid 1. Okay. I understand that. I get that.

Window washing motion. Or you could do Karate Kid 3 when they cast a woman. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Finally. I don't know what side of this I'm on anymore. I'm on all the sides.

Where's my child support? Am I right? Thank you. Am I right? Thank you. Thank you very much. So that's what I thought a chode was. Not all chodes. Not thought not all chose you know what

guys do it let's rap for a second usually hold on i gotta turn my chair backwards usually when that's just how i sit anyways to do the podcast i'm already there got it because i'm always rapping with the audience that's like the state i'm usually in. Usually, we have fans discuss the show on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. Yeah. This week, let's get a movement going. Let's get this trending. When you discuss this week's episode, hashtag not all chodes. Hashtag not all chodes.

And yeah, we're spelling it C-H-O-D-E. Yes. Because we're not from C-H-O-D-E. Yes. Because we're not from the Northeast. We're from America. Where Ninja Turtles are men. Yeah. Of different anthropomorphic. Of different body types.

Yes. But there's a spicy Latina Green Lantern. Right. Not all chodes. Not all chodes. Anyway. Oh, I love thatodes. Not all chodes. Anyway. Oh, I love that. Let's get it going.

I don't know if I was told that or if that's just what I onomatopoeia-ed the word to my own mind. Do you think that was just something that you had been, that sort of lived in your heart that needed a name to come out? Maybe. Maybe. I mean, it's very like, it is, I mean, you know, they say that the Germans have a word for everything. Right. Yeah. And, you know, you'll hear about these German words.

You're like, oh, that is a thing that I'm very familiar with. Sure. But I don't, you know, English doesn't have a specific word for it. You know, Jordan, the Jordans have, the Jordans, you know, Jordan. Yeah. The Germans have over 100 words for genocide. Oh, that's terrific. Yeah.

All the different textures of it. Yeah, exactly. Is it a wet genocide? Is it a frozen genocide? There you go. Yeah, but, I mean, that is very, like, yes, I am familiar with the state of my penis post-ejaculation. Sure. It is different than the penis in its other states.

Right. Chodish? Yeah. It's not just semi-tumescent. As I said, I think what we really need to focus in on in finding this definition is that elegiac quality. There is a sort of wistful memory of its full efficacy um that has passed out of it in the course of ejaculation and now it is you know it is in repose uh but also remembering the

thing that it once was i just want to tell somebody someday that my penis is in repose. I love your eloquence, sir. Thank you. Yeah. It's like one of those flowers that only blooms every 50 years. Yeah. So much potential. I think of myself as a sort of penis Abraham Lincoln.

Dearest Martha. I've been splitting logs. If you know what I mean. And in parentheses, chopping penises in half. That's where we get the phrase, too, in the Lincoln, right? In Chode, we trust. I don't even know what this show is anymore.

It's hard to say. Who are we? So here we have a, we have a, we have not cleared this up. We've made it more complicated. I might say more complex and more rich.

Sure. But so we have, we have short fat penis. Right. We have synonym for taint. Right. Oh, you know, in kind of just the internet

discussion around last week's episode, I was reminded of the fun taint synonym, bonch. Bonch? Yeah. Oh, really? Bonch. I'm more of a grundle guy. Yeah, grundle is very good too. Grundle sounds like where it is and what it's called.

Yeah, and what it smells like. It evokes a kind of odor. I call mine my pharaoh munch. Oh what it's called. Yeah, and what it smells like. It evokes a kind of odor. I call mine my Farrah Munch. Oh, that's good. But I love Bunch. I don't know. I think Bunch is good. Can I ask you something about the odor? You may. Have you guys gotten to a Gold Bond stage in your life?

Jordan's been on Gold Bond. Big fan, yeah. Jordan's been on Gold Bond since he was like 16 years old. Me too, because that's when we would go to the theme park in the summer, and I realized that- What theme park are we talking about? Six Flags, Great America, and Gurney, Illinois. Okay. And I found out maybe it was the weight gain that I would chafe over the course of the day.

My inner thighs or high up into my- What's the area between your leg and balls called? That's a good question. Just that inseam. Oh, sure. What is that? That's a primary area for chafing. Yes.

If you're going to suffer from chafing, it's likely going to be in that unnamed canyon. And that's when I learned what Gold Bond was and Cortisone 10. And I would apply it on days when we would go to the theme park, maybe two, three, four times a summer. Here's the good thing about that Gold Bond. It's medicated. It is medicated. It is medicated and fast acting. You can feel that tingle immediately.

Yes. But I think that those applications help with the odor unless I'm just pH balanced differently. Sure. No, I mean, I think Gold Bond is helpful for fighting odor. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great product. You reach a Gold Bond stage in your life and you come into it.

Sure. It's right before the complaining about superdelegates phase in your life. Yeah. Before that, you will- It precedes your caring of the political system of our government. Sure. Yeah. No, I completely agree with that.

I sign up for Gold Bond. Have you visited the Six Flags of your youth as an adult? Have you gone back? No. But we do a thing when, okay, and my family, I always say that our family crest is the words, check out that guy over there. that our family crest is the words uh check out that guy over there can we come from a long line yes a long line of people watching it's a big deal in my family in the podcast i do with the sklars as you've both been on it i believe yes uh you most recently but jordan i was sure we had right it's true i was yeah a lot of fun a lot of fun and show so many stories on that show are

built around the mentality or the idea of a person who could sometimes criminals, but also just sometimes characters. And so it fits me very well that I get to co-host that show because in my family, we've done this forever. constantly say like who is the most hairiest guy here or if we're at a water park like most pregnant woman in a bikini yeah or find find like a kid trying to carry their own oversized stuff animal right or like crying children or kind of a. Yes. And then you would be assigned to those. So I've been to Disney a lot in the past couple years. It's good that you have this kind of regimented discipline about it with the assignments and everything. Oh, we would play the games like, you know, Black Sox, Sandals, Find That Guy. So we would play all these games.

So I haven't been back as an adult, but I feel like those things would carry over. Yeah. And I like a good roller coaster. I refuse to ride carnival rides. Oh, like a tilt-a-whirl. Anything that folds into a truck. Yeah. I don't want to ride.

It's operated by someone who's shaking. Yes, and has fixed it with a butter knife and a rag. Yeah. There's always some greasy rag that they've got like at hand to, you know, polish something off. So I don't trust those guys. Anyone with a tattoo you suspect might be racist. You don't know it's racist. It's not a swastika.

Did they mess it up? But it's something. It's a symbol that I don't love. Yeah, yeah. So I don't go on those rides but i would love i should go definitely go back as an adult to see if it holds up because disney holds up in my opinion on any level it's almost like the as you realize things we were saying about the political system you get older at disney and you you start to be like man they put a lot of detail into this

like you appreciate the things that aren't even rides just as like how committed disneyland was to making environments look good yeah and you're like oh i like this now and you would never even have noticed i recently went to uh universal studios to see simpsons land which i really loved i thought it's super well done but you really realize how how apart all the disney stuff is when you go to another theme park. Right. Like you're riding the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios, which I enjoy. But like while you're watching the dinosaurs, you can hear them going, jeep, joop. Yeah. Jeep, joop.

Yeah, yeah. Jeep, joop. And you can see little pieces of metal sticking out of their neck or their neck flaps are kind of loose. That would never fly at Disney. Yeah. No, those neck flaps are tight. Oh, yeah. You're covering those. You're covering those neck flaps are kind of loose. That would never fly at Disney. Yeah. Those neck flaps are tight. Oh yeah, you're covering those neck flaps.

They're starting to get rid of this at Disney, but one thing I loved is so in, was it where are the 60th year right now, right? So what would we go back to? I don't fucking know what number year we're at with Disneyland. 56? I don't know either.

We're up there. So my point is when they opened Disneyland, Walt just kind of set up a whole bunch of areas. There were some rides, but there were just areas to play in, like Tom Sawyer's Island. Yeah, my dad got kicked out of Tom Sawyer's Island. Really? For what? The first year that Disneyland opened.

He lived in Glendale. He was the perfect age. He was like 13 when they opened Disneyland. Lived, had just moved to Glendale from Kansas City. And yeah, him and his brother got kicked out of Disneyland and banned from Disneyland. He should have his own pen. Not an efficacious ban.

It's not like there was a wall of banned 13-year-olds. But yeah, totally got the boot from Disneyland for fucking around on Tom Sawyer Island. But those areas were great because it was more, it was just like creating the atmosphere and then wanting you to like go there and have fun and play in it. And they're getting rid of more and more of those to be replaced with a specific stylized get on, get off ride. But that's one of the things I still love about Disneyland is you'll have a couple areas where, oh, this was just meant to be, feel environmental.

Explore and imagination inside of. Yeah. I think they're just trying to reduce teen fingering. Something that I noticed. That is an unstoppable tide. On Tonsor's Island? That is a river that I would not want to stand in the path of. Sure.

I mean, yeah, there's not a river you can damn completely. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole premise of the Universal CityWalk Margaritaville that they're opening up. Oh, yeah. A place to get some nice coconut fried shrimp. Yeah, and the slogan is a place for fingering. A place to finger your sweetie. Kids and, you know, teenagers in Nightmare Before Christmas t-shirts get in there and finger a little.

Sure. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. Yep. Put some pineapple on a burger and go to town. But wipe off your hands because the pineapple is acidic. It is very acidic. And you don't want to get it up inside your Sweetie's business. Not unless that's your thing and you've both agreed to it ahead of time. You know, I noticed the last time I was at Disney that the Splash Mountain, usually when I first wrote Splash Mountain, the seating arrangement was so that you had to kind of lean back into the lap of the person you were with.

Yeah. Like you, you know, and I remember there was a, in high school, there was an OC Weekly article someone had written on the best places to get busy at Disneyland. Really? And yeah, yeah. So that was definitely, you know, they definitely suggested you could get in some hand stuff on Splash Mountain because it already had this kind of lean back, you know, posture that you had to do to ride the ride. The old-timey movie theater on Main Street is a good spot for this.

Oh, sure. I mean, I'm just putting that out there. Watch some Steamboat Willie. And get some Steamboat Willie. While she plays with your Steamboat Willie. Yeah. But I noticed the last time I was there that the lean back situation has been they've put up borders.

So you're in your own little zone. So you're no longer leaning back onto the bunch of dirt. The bunch. Would the action be a reach around? It would be kind of a reach around, yeah. Or is it a back? Well, I think you would – oh, I guess you could do both. I can only get erect with a back? Well, I think you would... Oh, I guess you could do both. I can only get erect with a backhanded.

I guess one could reach up, and then the other could reach down. Wait, one reaches up? How long is your penis? It's huge. Oh. Your penis is longer than your entire torso. The person who is in the lap could reach underneath and get the goods. Okay.

And the person whose lap is being sat in can reach down. And this is why you wear ponchos. Right. Because you can get under that poncho. Yeah, that's why I wear a poncho no undies. They've changed that right a lot too. Remember it used to be- It's less racist maybe now.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, it used to be pretty overtly racist. Yeah, it is Br'er Rabbit themed. Song of the South themed. Yeah. Now it's Transformers. But they're singing the exact same song and you still can't see

the metal. And the same amount of racism. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh no, these robots are also racist. We forgot. Yeah, no, they got rid of quite a few elements of the story. I did not notice. I was too busy. Fingering?

Too busy. Well, being disappointed, I couldn't appropriately finger. But yeah, do you know what's gone from that? Is it the tar baby? That's probably a good call. Yeah, I think that is gone. And then there was, I think there was some, maybe some songs or it's like some dialogue that was sure that was removed or taking out back when our racism was just cartoonish and friendly.

Sure. Right. Make America a celebration of our heritage. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Uh, now I want to go back to the,

now I want to still, I'm still hung up. You, you jarred my life. I still want to go back to the now I want to still I'm still hung up you jarred my life I still want to go back to Six Flags Great America yeah I'm not I don't like Disneyland that much but I am curious to

go to Marine World Africa USA what is that? it's in Vallejo like Vallejo your main things in Vallejo would be, like, Marine World Africa USA and the rapper E-40. All right. Both on display? Yeah, exactly.

And, yeah, Marine World Africa USA is sort of like a shitty sea world. What's the cruelty level like? Yeah. I mean, I think it's a nice simmer. Medium cruelty. Yeah, you know, like a long-term simmer, like you're making a reduction. Oh, cool. Of cruelty.

But, like, I do like, because I don't like roller coasters, and I don't care about Disney things. So that leaves me out of 90% of theme parks. Yep. But I do like dolphin shows. That is a lot of fun. I think. I don't know. I haven't seen a dolphin show since I was 10 when I went with the Columbia Park Boys

Club. But I'll tell you, my experience at the time was that I liked dolphin shows. Did you see The Cove? No. Is that the one where they teach you about how you shouldn't put dolphins in dolphin shows? Yes, pretty much. Yeah, I don't want to watch that. It's going to ruin dolphin shows for me.

It will ruin a lot of things for you in relation to dolphins. You're like, oh, all of this is bad for them. I like dolphins in two things. Shows and tuna fish cans. Boom. There it is. Yeah. Keep it tender. It's a nice lean meat.

It's a nice lean. They're so smart. They can do basic math. You can really taste the brain. I feel more self-aware by eating this. I'm gaining its power. Yes. Now I've got language skills.

Is this so this place is still open because i want to go this is still open i'm down to go with you i i just like the thing is is like when you're a kid that's afraid of roller coasters there's really not much for you at a theme park no especially if you think disneyland is lame yeah like i think your real, your main choice if you're a kid that's afraid of roller coasters is just get fucking super into Disneyland. But, like, after about eight, I was done with Disneyland. So that leaves floor shows. And the main floor shows in Northern California, there's no Bill and Ted show.

Mm-hmm. So the best you can do is a dolphin show. Yep. And you just sit in the splash zone. That's where you get your excitement. Just like a Gallagher concert. Bill and Ted's show at Universal Studios got cancelled because it was too racist. Really? How was it racist?

Well, this was something that they did for, this is something that they do during Halloween. Or that they did during Halloween. They replaced George Carlin with a black guy, which is racist against white people. Sure. I get that.

So the Bill and Ted show was a – it's kind of like a send-up of the year's pop culture. And it – but also includes sexy dancers. Okay. So the people who are – I didn't know about the sexy dancers because we have addressed this. I know about the Bill and Ted show because you went to it maybe with April Richardson or something. I can't remember who it was that you – but there was a Jordan Jesse Go where you had just gone to it with our guest. Maybe Karen Kilgariff.

But anyway. Oh, it's Sarah Morgan and I went to the Not Scary Farm send-up of the year's pop culture, The Hanging. With Elvira. With Elvira. This is a different floor show. Got it. Okay. These are a different floor show. Got it. Okay. These are two separate floor shows.

But yeah, so usually, yeah, something that the university sees is Bill and Ted or two guys doing bad Bill and Ted impressions take you through the year's pop culture. And it's kind of billed as, you know, don't come if you're easily offended. You know, if you don't like rude adult humor, this ain't the show for you, Grandpa. Now, see, I can see myself liking that because I like bodacious babes. Yep. Tight hunks. And I hate PC culture.

Sure. Yeah, exactly. If you're one of these PC warriors, go to the churro stand. Yeah. Go to the Maya Angelou experience, which is also something they have at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. I finally learned why the caged bird sings. And I got a churro. So this was, and I have seen this thing and it's, you know, it definitely like is, was clearly written by someone who, you know, just thinks a gross thing is a joke and performed by someone who is maybe a sexy dancer first and a comic actor second.

Like Keanu Reeves. Huh? Like Keanu Reeves. Yeah, yeah. Star of Bill and Ted. Yeah, exactly. Like Keanu Reeves. Huh? Like Keanu Reeves.

Yeah, yeah. Star of Bill and Ted. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. So, definitely, like, it was one of those things where I'm like, eh, it's a little bit annoying that the internet is, like, shaming this out of existence. But on the other hand, yeah, it's in bad taste. Oh, okay. There's a lot of, like, bad jokes in there. So, I get it.

That didn't have much merit. Yeah. I guess is what you were lacking. Is Bill and Ted racist? I think they probably say some racist things't have much merit. Yeah. I guess is what you were lacking. Is Bill and Ted racist? I think they probably say some racist things, yeah. Really? Yeah. Have either of you guys seen Bill and Ted as an adult?

I have not seen it as an adult. Christian, have you ever seen Bill and Ted? He says no. He's a millennial. I was just trying to remember two things. Which one is Bill and which one's Ted? I'll admit my flaws. Alex Winter is Bill.

Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Okay. And Keanu Reeves is Ted Theodore Logan. Follow-up question. Please. The guy who plays Bill, what did you say his name was? Alex Winter, right? Is that him? What is he up to? I think he is a respected documentarian these days. Really? Yes.

I can't confirm that. Someone told me when I asked them, what do you think Bill from Bill and Ted is up to? I don't ever want to know. I think he directed

some beloved exploitation movies at some point. Oh. Like the kind of movies that the Flophouse guys would know about. Gotcha.

Yeah, I think he has had a fun post-Bill and Ted career not being a joke. Yeah, he's got a real reputation I think. for like, you know that guy from Bill and Ted? He's actually blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's awesome. That makes me happy. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was genuinely wondering. It's always interesting where like one thing, like, you know, Bill went one way, Ted went another. Sure.

Yeah. I mean, what I wonder is, what's Keanu Reeves done since then? Yeah. Not much. Was Parenthood before or after that? I think that was pre-Bill and Ted. Yeah. Then I don't know.

Just been Parenthood, Bill and Ted, and then just Radio Silence. Did he play minor league baseball? No, I think he has a pasta sauce. Right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I was thinking of Michael Jordan. You were thinking of Michael Jordan.

From the Bulls. Not Keanu Reeves from Bill and Ted. Yeah. And George Carlin, is he touring? There's a black George Carlin now. Oh, they recast that too? They rebooted Carlin? Full Carlin reboot.

It's about time to reboot Carlin for a new generation. Yes, exactly. I think that's fun. Carlin, I'm in. You're just here. Exactly. Yeah. I think that's fun. Carlin, I'm in. That's your slogan. Carlin, colon, I'm in. Now, where you grew up, was Six Flags synonymous with this is where trashy people hang out?

Nope. Okay. That's where winners go. I grew up in Rochelle, Illinois, a little farm town in Northern Illinois. And yeah, no, there was a beautiful patina to the type of people who could afford to go to Six Flags all the time. Same with our own little water park in Rockford, Illinois. I'm with you on that. I saw no trashiness. If I was going to go to one of these things,

it was definitely through the Columbia Park Boys Club exclusively because there was no way my parents were getting up off of the $40 or whatever it cost. Oh, yeah. No, I think most of the time I went with church activities or things like that. There you go. Exactly. We weren't highfalutin to have passes. Yeah, maybe it's Little League Day.

But now this idea of going back as an adult or watching movies as an adult, I wonder if I went back now and I'd be like, this is crap. This is crap. These people are unhappy. These churros are awful. Yeah. How do you ruin a churro? Yeah. It's all, funnel cake isn't even cake.

It's cotton candy, technically candy. It's all lies. Yeah. I don't want to, listen, I don't want to start it. Is George Carlin even really black? I don't want to know. Sure. I don't want to know.

I do not want to hear the, I don't want to see the internet discussion is funnel cake cake. Oh, God. I don't need that. It's not. I don't think we need any more is a this, a this. Can we stop everyone? Okay, but so, why? Where you grew up, were those things associated with like the drag society?

So, yeah. I mean, I think this is just an observation I have had as an adult. Where'd you grow up? Orange County. Orange County. Yes. Okay. So, you know, Disneyland, you got uh orange county yes okay so so you know

disneyland you got a lot of you know you got a lot of tourists you got a lot of nerds but when you go up you know you go up the five to valencia to six flags that's where you have burnout teenagers burnouts guys who are a you know guys you can buy something from. Christian's getting mad. He loves, I bet he loves Six Flags. I also like Six Flags. I think Six Flags is very fun. There's a water park there now. Yeah, there's Six Flags.

But I think Christian will admit that the demographic at Six Flags is, keep an eye on him. Keep an eye on that guy you know at max fun con east a few years ago i wandered into so theresa was unhappy with the coffee at the resort and so there was a starbucks not that far away we went to it and turned out to be inside of this water park that's inside of a giant log cabin. What? Which is a thing. There's a number of them. I brought them up once on Jordan Jesse Go.

Many people told me there was one near where they lived. Did you have to pay to get into the water park to get your Starbucks? No. So we just went to the Starbucks and then there was a water, it was inside this water park that was inside an enormous log cabin. So like when I say enormous I mean I'm talking about like bigger than Super Kmart.

Really? Yeah. But a log cabin. I want to go to one of these. Was it gross or did you appreciate it for the marvel that it was? So when I got in there I don't drink coffee so i'm just standing there waiting for theresa to drink her coffee and kind of looking around and

the thought that came into my head was yeah i could fuck with this like there's like a hotel inside there probably i think oh of course there's like restaurants and shit yeah i was like i think i could kind of get into this weird indoor water park inside of a fucking log cabin. This looks fun to me. Like, water slides, that looks really fun. So you are a water slide guy. I don't know.

I haven't been to a water slide since I was eight years old with the boys club. You weren't afraid of them like you were afraid of roller coasters. I mean, I was afraid. I went on little kid ones. Well, afraid is the right word. I was afraid of them. But yeah, no, I mean, I went on little kid ones, which aren't scary, I think. Right?

They have a whole set of them for eight-year-olds. But yeah, there are water parks now that they're like, how close can we get you to dying? Right. Because if you wanted to, you could fall out of the side of this slide. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's been there for probably 20 years. In Vegas, where you go into a little tubular platform area, and then it moves over the top of the slide, and then the bottom drops out, and you don't know when that's going to happen.

And then you go essentially straight down. I've never heard of this. Yes, it's at Wet and Wild in Las las vegas okay or at least it was and i was always like what how there's too many variables in that sure in that thing like what if the where's the line between living and dying yeah and over a water they smudged it do you get to say you die doing what you love if you die on a water park if you're also jacking off while you're on the slide. Yeah, there you go. There you go.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go is supported in part by Squarespace. If you've got a passion that you obsess over, if it keeps you up all night, if you live for it, you should show it off. With easy-to-use tools and templates, Squarespace helps you showcase every detail of what drives you. Because if it's worth the effort, it's worth showing to the world. You can start your free trial today. Visit squarespace.com slash jjgo. You should.

Squarespace. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the big bitch of podcasting. Ted Jordan Morris, boy detective. Daniel Van Kirk, the boy who tried. Wow. That was really sweet. Oh, thanks. I just tried to say words in an order that made a sentence it did wow totally made a sentence the boy who tried god that's like that fucking uh hemingway short story for sale baby shoes never used oh it encapsulates the like everything yeah those have you seen those, I think At Midnight's done this, where you just have to, the scariest

five word sentence or something, or sad, sad deals or whatever. Have you ever seen the one that's a short film? Like the scariest movie of all time, and it's like a three minute long film. No, uh-uh. Where the boy goes in, or the dad goes in to tuck his son into bed. Boy's laying there. Dad goes to leave, and he's like, Dad, will you please, there's a monster in my room.

Will you please check under my bed? And the dad says, son, Billy, everything's fine. I don't need to look. And he goes, please, Dad, just look under my bed. I feel like there's a monster under my bed. And he's like, Billy, we can't do this every night. And he goes, please, one more time. And he goes please dad just look under my bed i feel like there's a monster in my bed and he's like billy we can't do this every night and he was just pleased one more time and he goes fine then the camera follows him as he gets on his knees and he gets he looks under the bed and there's billy and he goes dad somebody's in my bed and that's that's the end of the show

i'm spooked out it's just a perfectly effective like three minute and you're like, that is scary shit. I'm spooked. I don't want to watch that. You just did in your mind. Whoa. Cool. Here, hand me that whip it. Well, guys, if something momentous happens to you, like you discover that someone's been impersonating your child in their bed and your child's under the bed,

your child in their bed and your child's under the bed, but the person impersonating the child sent you down to see the child under the bed. Well, then give us a call at 206-984-45. Also, if you've got any Babadook situations, give us a call with any Babadooks. What is a Babadook? It's like an It Follows, but Australian. Oh, no. I was just going to try and think of some sort of genitalia term, and then we could start that argument. Oh, I get it.

Let's kick this over to Twitter. Hashtag not all Babadooks. Okay. 206-984-4FUN. We have one momentous occasion, one moment of shame. Who knows what order they're going to come in this week. I don't. Let's take a listen. Hello, Jordan,

Jesse, guests. Terrifying occasion, I guess, more than anything else. Got in my car today. Got in my car today, and as I was getting in, I was chased by a bee only

to drive seven blocks and have the exact same bee, at least I think, they all look the same to me, try to attack me as I got out of the car. I'm frightened by this bee. That's all I've got. Is there a dignified way to handle a bee coming over? There's not. You just have to look fucking dumb and scared, right? Well, I mean, if you recognize the bee. I think the guy's biggest issue is that he's racist against bees.

Yeah, I was picking up on that, too. Yeah, I mean, I think if you... How do you know that's not a wasp? If you just spend some time with bees, you'll be able to understand who is and isn't an actual threat. I don't think it's appropriate to just say all bees are a threat. You know what I mean? Are you guys afraid of one bee? If you're not allergic.

Yeah. Are you allergic? I am not allergic. But yeah, I mean, I just remember getting stung as a kid and it being the worst. But don't most stings... Now here, I guess I'm a little ignorant. No, no. Let's talk this out.

Do bees come in hot, like ready to buzz the tower? No, I don't think they want a sting. I think they just want nectar. Right. So if you identify the bee and then the second it lands on your hand you shoot away you're not gonna get stung it's usually when you don't realize a bee was on you or there was a bee in your pocket yeah like the song i've got one bee in my pocket but but that i don't know i don't i don't you might be right once you see the bee you're probably safe right the bee you don't see and then you're safe. Right. It's the bee you don't see. And then you just have to go through

your whole life afraid. Right. And that's no way to live. It's like the wire. Yeah. Yeah. What if you read that book C.D.B.?

What is that? William Steig book for children. Oh yeah. For different sentences with just letters instead of... Oh. That's fun. That is fun.

You know, from the author of Sylvester and the Magic Pet Ball. Does this guy think that bee could fly fast enough to catch up in seven blocks? I think he thinks it stowed away in the car. Fair enough. And then waited until he was out of the car to bring the fight back. You know, let's say if I was a bee, I got into a car and I wanted to stow away, you know where I would do it?

In the buzz compartment? Like the glove compartment, but it's where bees go. Right. That's where you keep your Jack Daniels in case you get pulled over. Oh, yeah. The cop has to see you break the seal. He watches you break the seal. And our democracy is a lie.

I was going to say in the guy's bonnet. Oh, that's good, too. But bus compartment's fun. Yeah, but a bee in the bonnet's prettynet. Oh, that's good too. But Buzz Compartment is fun. Yeah, but it'll be in the bonnet. It's pretty great. Yeah, but I mean Buzz Compartment. That's going to be the name of the episode. There's no doubt about that.

It's got to be. You know what? I think this is an experiment right now. If Brian, our producer, is not sitting at the desk, Christian is covering the boards this week. If Brian actually listens to the show before he edits it together and names it, then he's going to call it Buzz Compartment. If he doesn't, he's going to call it some other shit from the beginning of the show because he only listened to the first 10 minutes to make sure that it recorded okay. He can't stand being around us, even if it's only in his ears.

This will be a fun experiment. Just remember, Jordan. Grab a G. Get will be a fun experiment. Just remember, Jordan, Garaba, G, get help. Yeah. A, assess the situation. Mm-hmm. R, read up on it. Sure.

A, assess the situation again. B, be kind to yourself. Mm-hmm. And A, abstinence. Sure. It's words to live by. It's our popular slogan that we've had for years. Garaba. It's our legendary slogan.

Just remember, if you're ever in trouble, Dan, G, get help. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A, assess the situation. B, be kind to yourself. And A, this is the most important. That's why it's last, because the situation. B, be kind to yourself. And A, this is the most important. That's why it's last, because for emphasis. Abstinence.

Perfect. For your benefit, we had a guy call us last week from the stage of his stand-up comedy show. And he's like, hey, guys, this is for you. And he had the audience yell something totally incoherent that we heard as Garaba. I guess we could only assume that this is some sort of slogan we've had for years that we've forgotten about. I think we are definitely going to make Garaba t-shirts this summer. Okay. Garaba is the new summer boy as far as I'm concerned.

It's the summer of Garaba. I think Brian is designing the t-shirts right now. Terrific. MaxFunStore.com. We'll announce them on social media. Yeah. Garaba t-shirts. G, get help. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A,

assess the situation again. B, be kind to yourself. And of course, the final A, Jordan. It's abstinence. You got it. Grab a Garaba shirt. Yeah, you got it. Sure. You got it. Grab a garaba shirt. Yeah, you got it. Sure. You got it. Garaba yourself one of them shirts.

Am I right? Mm-hmm. That's going to be a nicer shirt. You better garaba one. Garaba, baby. You know what we're talking about, Jordan. Okay, Christian, play that other call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest.

I have a moment of shame. I recently called in with momentous occasion about having a threesome, and today I found out that men can get yeast infections. Get them, get them, get them. Have a great showcase. Cool. Got himself a yeasty. Got a sweet yeasty.

Do you think that means he read about it? Yeah, well, he certainly did not abstain. So he forgot that part. Oh, man. That's why. Boys can get yeasties up in their genitalias. Really? I mean, that'll cause grundeloder.

Yeah. I've only ever participated in two ways, so I've never had one of these yeasties. Me too. I think if you add that third way. I've only had sex via two-way radio. Oh, got it. Like a citizen's band situation? Yeah, with truckers.

I've only had sex via two-way. Yeah, I got that Motorola Skytel. I've only had sex pushed to talk. You got it. I've only had sex via pager codes. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Hey, James. Hey, Anake. Where are we right now? You're in the minority corner. Haven't you been here before? You know what? I think I have. Because you're a woman.

And you're a gay man. And we're both black. And now that we're here in the Minority Corner, what should we talk about? How about race, gender, and sexuality? Ooh, and we can gossip about celebrities, and I can quiz you on pop culture. Ooh, and we can have guests. We're going to learn, laugh, and play. You know, that sounds a lot like

Blue's Clues. Only it's more black, gay, and ladylike. Minority Corner with a K. Check us out. Because the C was taken. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, You're swole and woke? Yeah. Is your wokeness on swole? Here's the thing. I've been concentrating so much on getting swole. I don't think I've been getting woke as often as I should be. Okay.

You know, it's about swole-woke balance. You got to woke your swole and swole your woke. Swole is working out. Yeah. And what is woke? It's like you're ready to go? It's like being progressive and thoughtful. Oh, okay. You know.

But not turnt. Not turnt. Although I am. Currently. You're kind of L7. Yeah. That's true. That's your reputation.

You know what? Swollen woke. Out the window. Yeah? Uh-huh. From now on, I'm concentrating on getting turnt and plurnt. Wow. Yeah.

Is plurnt a thing too? I don't know any of this. It's like when you're turnt at a rave. Really? Yeah. These all mean something. See, you're super hip because of your job. And your lifestyle choices. Yeah, I mean my general lifestyle. You're tuned into

a lot of things. Sure. Jordan watches a lot of MTV. That's how he's so good. Oh, that helps too? Yeah. It's music television? Is it? Good one, Dan. Thanks, man. I've been working on this bit I've been doing where I talk about how MTV doesn't play music. Daniel Dan Kirk used to play video. What's the M said for?

Seems like reality killed the video star. Am I right, guys? Mm-hmm. What's the story with Kurt Loder? He's high, right? Oh, he's got to be high. He's got to be high. I'm more of a Tabitha Soren kind of guy myself. Oh, yeah.

Sure. Mm-hmm. I mean, why wouldn't you be? Good rowl. Mm-hmm. Plurnt. Plurnt. Never.

You are here for the incarnation of that word being introduced into my life. Yeah. Jordan, you got me shook. It's both. That's a thing? It's not only. To be shook? Like all shook up?

Shook is like scared. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. I feel like I should have known that one. Yeah. Swole and woke. Uh-huh.

Plurint and turnt. Uh-huh. I'm all this. What about yoked? No, I'm not yoked. I'm more swole. Okay. Yeah. Are we talking about your member? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Why wouldn't we be? Just wanted to check in. Yeah. It wouldn't be Jordan Jesse Goh if we weren't talking about your member, Jordan. I got a real turnt dong. My dong is a little more woke. Sure. Right. Thanks very much. Sure. Because it took all those women's studies classes. Yep.

You didn't take them. Your dong did. Yeah, well, you know, just men suffer from the – dong suffer from the patriarchy just as much. Sure. Just as much as lady parts do. Sure. But Fleek died. Yeah, I think we talked about this when Jonathan –

Somebody heard Jordan say it. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's over. It's over. We had Jonathan Van Ness on. He said, and he's an expert. Jonathan Van Ness loves social media. He knows every pose to do for your snaps. Yeah.

He knows like 10 different snap poses. Are you guys on Snap? And he can just run right through them. Jonathan Van Ness will just, no, Jonathan's on there for me. Are you on it? No, I'm not on it. Me, I'm not either. Yeah.

I took a look at the Snapchat because I don't want to be one of these social media grandpas. Right. You don't want to know. You don't want to be a- Well, you know what plurt is. You are nowhere near- Sure. At worst, you're a social media uncle.

Yeah, that's right. A fun one, though. Yeah, very one though Never married Unmarried and unreliable Willing to pass a 15 year old a drink at a wedding Sure have a sip of my beer Put some air on your chest He's fine

We're gonna do it anyway Donna We're here with him let him go He's not driving We're staying in this. Let him go. He's not driving. God damn it. We're staying in this hotel. Fucking Donna. Yeah, you're that uncle. I am that uncle.

Hey, take these keys. Pull my stang around. Can you drive well? Decently? Probably better than me right now. You know how it works. You love those fucking games. Open up that glove compartment.

Open that up. I looked at Snapchat, and I'm like, I don't want to be the guy who's like, oh, this is fucking dumb. My Twitter's better. But I'm like, I am willing to accept that this is a party that I am not invited to. Okay. It's useful for something. Because you're L7?

I'm too L7. I don't know what L7 means, and I was embarrassed to say it the first time. L7. Square. See? That's me definitely being that. So yeah, I'm okay with like, okay, I don't have to hate this, but I also don't need to pressure myself into like doing stuff on it, you know?

Right. So you are saying that you did not show your dick? On Snapchat? Isn't that for show your dick? On Snapchat? Isn't that for showing your dick? See, that's the craziest thing. This app started out with just... I think so. Nudes.

Yeah. Just people sending nudes. And then it transformed into a completely like family fun... Now it's for CNN. Yes. Everything. It's for Hillary Clinton to put a dog face on herself. Yes.

To appear more relatable. I've never seen something go all the way from like, not since Tracy Lord's has something gone from just straight pornographic material to mainstream. No, and I think that's a good way to put it. I think it's like if chat roulette had somehow become useful and relevant. Yeah, and it's so odd to me. It started off purely for jack-offs. Yep.

And now it's how tweens tell each other where they're going to be for drug deals. Yeah. So it finally has social relevance. Yeah, with a giraffe face. It adds meaning. Okay, we have to wrap this thing up. I want to say this weekend, which is to say this past weekend as you listen to this program, MaxFunCon. And assuming that everything goes well, Jordan and I are going to be doing a session at MaxFunCon that is just Ask Jordan and Jesse Anything session.

Did we do it because we didn't feel like preparing content for a session? Yes. Absolutely. That's why we did it. Could it potentially still work out? Unlikely. But, you know, if it does, we're going to put it up as a bonus episode for all the MaxFun donors out there. MaxFun donors, by the way, who are now starting to get their thank you gifts.

So thanks to everybody who's been sharing those thank you gifts. MaxFunCon, always a blast. And we're bringing MaxFunCon to the East Coast this year, the Poconos specifically. And if you want more information on that, maxfuncon.com. You can get your tickets to MaxFunCon East right now. It's Labor Day weekend in the Poconos. We have this beautiful resort.

It's right by the place where there's a water park inside of a giant log cabin. No, this shit's going to be really fantastic. Jordan's going to be there. I'm going to be there. We got already lots of amazing stand-up comics booked and great podcasts, real fraternal-type podcasts, family podcasts. Max Fund's family-est podcast will be there. I'm not going to say Linda Holmes is going to be there, but I'm not not going to say that. Nah.

Anyway, it's going to be great. MaxFundCon.com for your tickets right now. Dan Van Kirk, people, of course, can listen to you on Sklarbroke County. Yep, every Tuesday. Periodically on Sklarbroke County. Yep, every Tuesday. Periodically on Sklarbroke Country. Sometimes dropping in, doing a voice. Doing a funny voice, one of your famous impressions. Yeah.

They can also listen to Pound Cake. Rory Scovel and I, as most people know, we reviewed TV for a long time on radio in the 90s. And we recently got back together and then due to, well, I'll just say it, Rory being a fucking prick, we broke up again. But due to some legal reasons, we may have to reunite once again or do some solo shows. But people can check that out on All Things Comedy. It's called Pound Cake. We most recently reviewed 11-22-63, the Hulu series based off Stephen King's book. And then I have my own show,

which I would love to have you guys on, called Hindsight. And that's where I have comedians on and they bring three photos from any chapter of their life and we just talk about the context of your life when that photo was taken. Hey.

That's good. It's fun. Anytime you can incorporate photographs into a podcast. I agree. It's interesting. I was like, I wonder how that will go. But people either, we paint the picture and then they listen and then they go online when it drops to see what it looked like.

Or they'll see the picture and be like, I have to hear this described. Can I ask you guys one of the three staple questions of all podcasts? Yeah. The three being, have we started yet? Can I trust? And when does this drop? When does this drop? This will drop on Monday.

Okay, great. July 22nd, I'll be in Houston. And I will have just done a show in Chicago. So if anybody's listening to this and came out to it, thanks. I'm really glad you were there. What are you up to in Houston? You doing stand-up comedy jokes? Yes.

Yeah. I'll be doing stand-up. And then I think the Sklars and I... The venue? Astronome? Yeah. Well, Minute Maid Park. Got it. We then I think the Sklars and I – The venue, Astrodome? Yeah. Well, Minute Maid Park. Got it.

We're going to see if we can sell it out. We'll definitely sell out a section. I think you can do that. Thanks. I think you can sell it out. Maybe Six Flags Astroworld. The group in Houston called The Secret Group. They're great guys.

They run some festivals there. And they're opening a brand-new venue. I do not know the name of it. I think it might be called The Secret Group. They're opening a brand-new venue. And if the Sklars and I are there on the same day, we'll be doing a live podcast. Either way, I'll be doing stand-up there. You know where that podcast stage is, that hill in center field.

It is? Yeah. I'm into it. You want the elevation. You need to be able to have everybody see you. I say you go on and do it in the Astrodome. They haven't torn that down yet, right? No, they haven't.

That still exists, right? Yeah. So get up in there. That's one of the wonders of the world. It's like on your way to where their football field is and you walk right by and it just looks like this sad waiting for a Walking Dead scene

like shoot to happen. There you go. But it's not going to happen unless they change their tax policy. We need some production tax credits to get the Walking Dead into the Astrodome. I agree. Christian Duenas on the boards this week. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, all the way in beautiful London, England,

working on television projects, his career much more successful than ours. Hashtag it JJ Go on Twitter, MaximumFun.reddit.com. I hope we all had fun at MaxFunCon this past weekend. I have no reason

to expect that we didn't. God, I hope somebody doesn't like die tragically or something like that. That would be the worst. That would be a real situation. Mainly because it would sour two minutes of this podcast.

Get up into the Facebook Maximum Fun group. Just ask to join that. We'll approve you. Unless you've just joined Facebook less than a month ago, then we know you're probably a spam bot

that try and sell us foreign eyeglasses. I could use some of those, I guess. Foreign eyeglasses? I only buy domestic. Fair enough. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.