Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 433: Dos Nuts Tho with Brian Heater

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

Writer Brian Heater joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of virtual reality porno, Brian's visit to a murder hotel, and Jordan's new update to the Summer Boi protocol.  Plus, the guys make a new dank meme and cater to the ASMR community.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Man, Jordan, I don't even know where to start. Oh my god. You know what? I would say start at the beginning, but... Fuck it, we're innovators. Start at near the end. Right. Then do the middle. Uh-huh. Then do the end. Right. Then do the beginning, but fuck it. We're innovators. Start at near the end. Right.

Then do the middle. Uh-huh. Then do the end. Right. Then do the beginning. So start at near the end. Yeah. Like three quarters of the way through?

Sounds good. Are you talking about at the climax or... Are you counting the denouement as the end? When the clouds part and angels help you solve your problem. Pre-climax or at the peak of the climax? Yeah, height of the climax. Right when you're about to blast. I saw some people fucking.

Okay. Speaking of climax. Yeah. Okay, so that's near the end. Now say the beginning. I was walking my dogs. Okay. Now say the end.

I passed. I passed by. And now say the middle. I saw a car that was a rocking i wondered should i go knocking yeah well i've got a bumper sticker that says otherwise yeah man for reals earlier today you're walking your d i'm walking my double d's okay coco and sissy sure and uh and of course D's. You're D's nuts. Yeah. For the folks listening at home, Jesse pointed to

Doe's nuts. Yeah. Doe's nuts, Doe. Should we bring that in? Doe's nuts, though. Should that be a meme that millennials like? Oh, man. I mean, I think, listen, I think last week we had a big millennial meme hit with Jet Fuel can't melt steel tweens. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think, listen, I think last week we had a big millennial meme hit with Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Tweens. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think why not, let's keep this meme train a-chugging. Those nuts, though. Along the road to Danksville. Yeah. Yeah, those nuts, though. What should that be, what sort of image should that be on top of? Last week, I think we- Cool Keith, I guess, right?

Yeah, maybe. I mean, it has to be- What about Cool Keithith in like dr octogynocologist outfit but with crying jordan's face crying jordan is pretty good uh i mean last week we did it on uh harambe uh-huh r.i.p yeah the ape who was taken too soon right the noble ape justice for harambe. Right. So, I mean, I think you need an unrelated internet thing. If we want to keep the- What about that picture of Kermit the Frog playing the banjo?

Yeah, that's good. Doze nuts, though. I like it. That's fun. I like it. So I'm walking my dogs. It's just me, the double Ds and Ds. And yeah, there's this-

From where I'm sitting, does, but- There's this bend in the road and there's like a dirt area. And usually the main shit that's going down there is pot smoking or television discarding. Okay. It's like the two main activities going on there. Yeah, you dump an old tube TV. It's like the two main activities going on. You dump an old tube TV. One weird thing about Los Angeles that I still have yet to figure out is the city of Los Angeles will pick up your oversized garbage for free, but people still dump it on the side of the road.

Yeah. Like as though they're going to get a ticket for it or something. Like you just call a number and somebody comes and picks up whatever it is. Yeah, some dude. Yeah, my neighborhood just strewn with beds. I think maybe they, you know, the people who are doing the dumping don't want the city all up in their shit, you know? Oh, yeah.

I think if you're a side of the street dumper. Because they're into illegal street racing? Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's a fast and furious situation. I got it. So you're in some sort of dirt zone, some sort of tube television graveyard. And there's like a 94 Nissan Sentra there.

And it is full on going, ee-on, ee-on, ee-on, ee-on. Okay. Like a cartoon bed that a prospector is having sex on. Wait, what cartoon is that from? Old fuck prospector. Yeah? You know, that's a pre-code cartoon. Oh, was this a Warner Brothers thing?

Was this a... No, this was a... Was he part of the Woody Woodpecker family of characters? No, he used to fuck Crazy Cat. Oh, okay. Okay. So, and there was a brief period where he was boning down with Little Nemo. Okay. Wow. That's when down with Little Nemo. Okay.

Wow. Yeah, that's when it was Little Nemo in no slumber land. Because he was too busy fucking. He was too busy fucking. Man, can't sleep because he's too busy fucking a prospector. Yeah, this car was full on. Like I said, it was like a 92 Sentra. Full on going.

And I couldn't believe. Like as I'm walking down the hill towards this hairpin turn where the sort of turnout is and are you sure it's not just like like a low rider that is doing that low rider thing you know you know it probably is it's probably somebody hitting switches in that 92 centra yeah right i mean typically it's not a 92 centra that you know is made into a low rider it's like a cadillac or it's an El Camino or something like that. Now that I think about it, it is unusual that that 92 Sentra had that apple green flake paint and those pinstripes and that airbrushed picture of an Aztec warrior on the hood. Yeah. So, I mean, maybe you were, you know, your dirty mind automatically went to fucking, but it could be that this is...

Somebody was, like, warming up for one of those lowrider hopping competitions. Sure. He was about to haul ass out to Alameda. Yep. And impress everybody with his cool centra. Yeah, I think that's possible. Mm-hmm. That said, there were two people fucking in there.

Oh, okay. So that also could have been... So what part of the fucking did you... Did you see a butt go up in the air? Did you see some flapping J's? I saw nothing. I saw no nudity. How do you know it was fucking?

Well, fucking is associated with a distinctive motion. Mm-hmm. Uh, kind of a... An in-and-out type situation. Okay. Have you ever been to In-N-Out Burger? I have. Sort of like that.

Oh, yeah. I always do it animal style. Yeah. Hey, secret menu. Yeah, so it was in the passenger seat. There was a dude seated in the passenger seat. It was back, but not all the way back. I'm going to say it was at not even quite-

So they're doing it in the passenger seat. Yeah. So he's laying back. Yeah, he's just laying back and she's going to town on him. But she's wearing a shirt. But she's wearing a shirt. No nudity. I mean, I presume that they were nude where it counted, but that was underneath some other

You don't think it was just a vigorous dry hump? No. These are two Christian teens who are doing everything the Lord permits. I didn't want to go like check it out, you know? Yeah,

I hear you. I just wanted to get past it and I wasn't sure. Because your dogs are sensitive? Yeah. Well, my dogs,

my dogs, their junk is cut off, so. And they're very religious. I don't want to taunt them. Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

But this was at 8.30 in the morning Wow. On a Friday? Okay. Maybe30 in the morning? Wow. On a Friday? Okay. Maybe 9 in the morning on a Friday? Yeah.

That's impressive. That's, I mean, that shows dedication to car fucking. Okay, here, okay. So I had an inexplicable thing happen to me right before I got here. You were in a 92 Nissan Seltzer. Going to town on my lady. Yeah. Two dogs start a barking.

Yeah. I blast harder than I've ever blasted before. Do you want to bring in our guest and then we can, maybe he can help us parse out all this, all this rigmarole? Yeah. Our guest on this week's Jordan Jesse Go, an old friend of the program, and I'm talking about, this man is like a full-on Rip Van Winkle. He's over 7,000 years old or whatever. No.

We've been friends since college. Sure. He was coming on this show when it was a play. Yeah. A play! A play! Uh, he's never trod the boards, but, um, he was a member of, uh, uh, our improv group in college. Huge Robot Cock.

Huge Robot Cock, a.k.a. Humor Force 5. Uh, probably one of the worst decisions I ever made was, uh, he didn't get back on the team. You really didn't want me in that second year. I felt really bad about that for years afterwards. I still feel bad about that. He's now a writer for TechCrunch, but more importantly, the host of the podcast R.I.Y.L. Read if you like. Sure. Brian Heater.

Hi. It's a terrible name because I have to explain it to everybody. I thought the nerds all know what that is. No, radio station nerds do, but not the other kinds of nerds. There are many kinds. Jordan, how many kinds of nerds are there? I mean, there are over 3,000 types of nerds in this section of California alone. Someone just sent me and Jordan on Twitter a meme of a super dank Sonic the Hedgehog. So there are a lot of types of nerd.

Yeah. I saw a lot of them this week at E3. Oh, yeah. You're out here writing about it for the TechCrunch.com. Yeah, there's a lot of, you know the thing about not wearing the band's T-shirt to the concert? Sure. A lot of people wearing Legend of Zelda T-shirts. Don't be that guy. Who did not work there. A lot of people wearing Legend of Zelda t-shirts. Don't be that guy.

Who did not work there. A lot of Sonic the Hedgehog shirts. Listen, when they're... Quick question, though. How dope was Zelda's concert? Zelda's concert? Yeah, and who headlined? I went...

Zelda or Link? I saw Ray Sherman last night. What's that? You don't know Ray? You're a hip-hop guy. Oh, Ray Sherman, the rap duo. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, big boy. Yeah, Ray Sherman. Yeah. Is that it? But no, they have a way of pronouncing it. I don't remember Ray? You're a hip-hop guy. Oh, Ray Sherman, the rap duo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, big boy. Yeah, Ray Sremmond. Yeah. Is that it? But no, they have a way of pronouncing it. I don't remember what it is. They're extremely dank.

They're very dank. Ray Schremer says Christian. Christian's a teen. Christian, are you a teen or a tween? Technically. He says both. Both teen and tween. In tween. That's awesome. technically. He says both. Both teen and tween, in tween.

That's awesome. He rejects your binary. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, well, I totally understand what you mean, Brian, because this is a big year for Zelda. They're showcasing this fucking Zelda game that just won't seem to come out. Yeah, it's coming out. So at some point... We played it.

Yeah, I think that you, in a year that is big on Zelda, you were a different Nintendo character. You were a Kirby. Yeah, you go deep. You were a Waluigi. Yeah, you... That's Evil Luigi. Milton's Secret Castle, maybe? Sure, yeah.

Kid Icarus. Waluigi is Evil Luigi? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is he friends with Wario? Oh, yeah, they're friends. Are they brothers? They might be brothers.

I bet they are brothers. I don't know the specific Mario vs. Lore. They're like Bizarro Oh, yeah. They're friends. Are they brothers? They might be brothers. I bet they are brothers. I don't know the specific Mario versus Lore. They're like Bizarro Superman of Mario. I think so. Christian is so emphatically shaking his head, no, they're not brothers. Christian is like, Jesus Christ. Does he do a post show where he just yells at you? I am trying to work on my super dank Waluigi.

Oh, you know what? Waluigi should be saying those nuts,igi. Oh, you know what? Waluigi should be saying those nuts, though. Oh, yeah. The Kermit thing is good, but I think Waluigi... That's still kind of old news. Yeah. That's classic internet. Waluigi is, you know, it's very now, very 2016.

Trump, Deadpool, Waluigi. These are the three figures who will stand for 2016. Did you hear that Trump is very close to making a decision as to his running mate? It's either going to be Waluigi or Deadpool. I mean, you got to split the ticket, right? Chimichanga references bring in the Hispanic vote. Sure, yeah. You want a self-aware running mate who's always looking at the camera.

Wait, can I ask you guys a serious question? Yes. Have either of you ever had sex in a car? Yes. Define sex. Define car. Define in. Have you blasted in a car with another person?

Yeah. Full-on intercourse, I don't think so. But, you know, we all were in high school at some point. Sure. I didn't have a car in high school. I got a lot of my early hand jobs in a car, specifically a Toyota Previa. Ooh, that's not just a car, my friend. Yeah.

That's a miniature van. Yeah. See, you can kind of prop up the back seats for camping or getting J-O'd. Oh. Did you have to throw out all the soccer equipment before you went to town? Yeah. Soccer. My sister's ballet stuff. Did you give her orange slices after she was done?

Right, yeah. To be fair, you're talking about my sex partner, not my sister. To clarify. But yes, orange slices, high C, high fives, straight to round table pizza. You know, I think that there is- I treat my ladies right. Afterwards, we're going to a pizza party.

In my neighborhood right now, I'm going to say 25% of the motor vehicles are Toyota Previas. Yeah. When did they even stop making Toyota Previas? Like 15 years ago. I think it is a, yeah, I think it was the archetypal mom car when I was growing up. And then it became the car you get if you have a big family, if you're from some sort of country where Catholicism is a thing. Right. Like Italy?

Yeah, like Italy. Got it. You have a big old Italian family cruising around in a Previa. Got it. Do either of you have a Prius or know anybody who has a Prius? I am a Prius driver. Do people ever get into your car thinking it's an Uber? It's happened to me twice.

It happened to me twice in two weeks. I will come to the stop sign and just feel a yank on the door and then someone looking afraid. Do you ever want to just drive them around? You know, I think I've told this on the podcast before, but the first time that happened, it was a really, really attractive woman. You know, dressed to go out, looking great.

And I'm like, this is a 2016 meet cute. Like, this is the start of a... Is this leading back into the story about how you had sex in a car? No, yeah, this is unfortunately not it. No. It was just a situation where she looked shocked. Yeah. And then turned around and yelled at the people that she was leaving that this wasn't it. This has definitely never happened to me. But one time a dude who was high on crank definitely got into my car and asked me how far down the street I was going.

That's like the original Uber. Yeah. Just dudes. Just fucking wiry, scary motherfuckers just getting in your car. How far down the road were you going? I assume very far after that happened. I took them as far as Geneva and Mission. But I think that what I could have done was, I mean, A, I could just drive around with the doors unlocked.

So the next time this happens, somebody can jump in. Right. But yeah, I mean, I can see that being a fun little plot where we get to know each other playful misunderstanding and then you know we're talking about story structure a lot on the show today when that you know third act comes i have to tearfully reveal to her that i have not been an uber driver this whole time oh snap i've been faking it to get to know her that's a betrayal yeah you've been lying the whole relationship is built on a but it was for love but it was a betrayal. Yeah. You've been lying. The whole relationship is built on a lie. But it was for love. You're actually a Lyft driver.

But it was for love. Yes, I'm actually a Lyft driver. I've been living a lie, and you pulled a mustache out of it. Yeah. Hey, guys, I'm with Sidecar. I'm really sorry that I betrayed you, but it was for love. Anyway. What were we talking about?

You saw people fucking in the car. So I saw people fucking in a car and uh i asked you have you guys ever had have you guys ever had sex in a car as adults uh yes uh i had that scion for a while uh-huh uh you can kind of prop up the seats in the scion so yeah wait i've been in that scion she definitely got like old starbucks cups in her back yeah yeah wait which seats did you did you put the back seats down flat so it was a flat area in the back? Oh, I've got the kind that you can clip them up with a little clippy. These are okay questions, but I think the real question is, because you have a home

with a bed, right? Yeah, yeah. So why did you have sex in the car? You got to mix it up, buddy. Your love life was getting stale? You don't want to bring prostitutes to your house. Right. After 20 years of marriage, you want to mix it up a little bit. You want to't want to bring prostitutes to your house. Right. After 20 years of marriage, you want to mix it up a little bit.

You want to give it to them in the Scion. But no, I've not had sex in the Prius. I have the Prius C. That's a compact. Which makes it a little bit, Prius C is a little bit hard to give somebody the D. You can't get the Priva C in the Prius V. Right. Prius is a little bit tiny.

If you want to get some V, you're going to need to get one of those Prius Vs. Sure, yeah, exactly. Am I right? Vs for vulva. Or V6 for your seven way. On my birthday, I get the Prius A. So yeah, I'm open to sex in the Prius.

Is this an open call to listeners? Yeah, if you're out there and have ever wanted to. All you have to do is open that door. If you're out there and you're tiny and or flexible. Yeah, but I mean, I know it's not the most sexually arousing car. It's green, though. Oh, mine's bright blue. Well, it's good for the environment.

Yeah. Oh, you meant it's green. Yeah, mine's bright blue. Well, it's good for the environment. Yeah. Oh, you meant it's green. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. I didn't presume to know the color of your car. Oh, that's okay. So, yeah, that's it. Yes.

So I have had some car sex, had to have some car sex as an adult. Yeah. It's been a real hoot. Did the car go... A little bit. Cool. Yeah. Needs to be lubricated. It's got to real hoot. Did the car go... A little bit. Cool. Yeah. Needs to be lubricated.

It's gotta. You gotta. Your penis. Yeah. So I was at E3. That's the Electronic Entertainment Expo. That's correct. So we looked at the Sonys and the Nintendos and the Microsofts,

and then when you get to the final day, which is today, toward the end – You're just looking at Zenith. You're running on fumes, and you start to look at the really weird stuff, and I tried out VR porn. That was the last thing I saw. Oh, Brian. I'm excited to hear about this. Now, this is not like on the floor next to the... Yeah, it is.

Oh, wow. This is like out there. So, you know, you would pass through the same halls like four or five times, and every time I walked past this one row, there were like, I would say, conservatively 70 guys standing there lined up waiting to try on the VR headset. Real winners, though. It was, yeah. Was this the kind of virtual reality where you have, like, handsets and you can do moves?

Or was just this the kind where you can just look around? Yeah, it was a look-around-y kind. Well, that's still pretty good. It was pretty good. Honestly, I like that. So I went to South by Southwest Interactive a couple years ago. I think I saw you there. Yeah, we did.

Ran into you. Played a video game that involved a VR headset, the Oculus Prime. Yep. Turns into a truck. I thought it was a pretty shitty experience, frankly. But then Lance Bangs was here not long ago. He's been making... From Cream Magazine ago, and he's been making... From Cream Magazine.

Yes, he's been making VR films. And I watched a VR show of the band The Internet. You ever heard of this band? Great band. Sid the Kid, performing in virtual reality. And for some reason, that was way, way cooler to me, where I could only look around and watch this band play than the experience of playing a game inside the headset. Do you play video games? A little bit. Yeah I mean that might be the disconnect is that you don't enjoy video

games and you might not enjoy them. If they put Skyrim inside this shit oh my god I would never stop collecting lavender. All I would ever do in my entire life is collect lavender. That's exactly I mean you've tried have you tried the Oculus Rift? I have. I tried an Oculus Rift a couple of years ago.

And, you know, I'm sure the stuff that they have at E3 this year is, you know, is better than that. Technology actually stopped in 2014. Oh, good. Okay, good. So I'm caught up. I'm caught up. And I like video games and did not like it. That is not something I have ever, like, you know, from the days of the Virtual Boy, I've never wanted to put on a thing to play a video game.

Do you feel like the Virtual Boy was the peak virtual reality? Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah, speaking of evil virtual reality. Wario Tennis? Yeah, Wario Tennis. Technically Lawnmower Man is peak virtual reality. In general, I don't like buying an extra thing to play a video game. I think you sit on your couch and you play it on your TV with a controller.

You said the guy who had robbed the Nintendo robot. I did have robbed the video robot. And I have had accessories before. I've had DK Bongos, which I enjoy, which you hit to make Donkey Kong run and flip. You were obsessed with DK Bongos. DK Bongos were pretty cool. I want to be clear. You were completely obsessed with DK Bongos. Do you haveos were pretty cool. I want to be clear, you were completely obsessed with DK bongos.

Do you have a Guitar Hero instrument? I have played Guitar Hero. Yeah. You know, fun while it lasts. But I think these things have a, you know, they've got a novelty cutoff point. I would argue that a virtual reality headset perhaps has more usage than a pair of interactive bongos. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I don't know. What does DK do in virtual reality? Tell me a little bit about DK VR. How can I be a part of the DK crew? I mean, you could be the one throwing the barrels down on the plumber. Oh, shit. Yeah. So you were just looking around inside the pornography film?

No. I'm trying to. What's the age rating on this program adult okay adults only so it's well and also teen plus tweens yeah i say 34 and up yeah roughly uh so the the mean age of this room brian you can describe you can describe the vr fucking in as graphic a detail as you wish. So it's POV, which is point of view. Brian, can I ask you a question? POV, PNV? Have you ever heard of the band Steely Dan?

Jesse, Jesse. POV, PNV? Yeah, awesome. Okay, continue. Have you heard of the band Steely Dan? They were named after a dildo. That's about our demographic. Okay.

Bands named after dildos. Yeah. Yeah. So it's POV after dildos. Yeah. Yeah. So it's POV, which is point of view. So you are the sex man. I'm getting into position. Yeah, you are. You're splaying out.

What's happening here. So I've got the helmet on. And what I'm seeing is, I mean, think about a point of view video and think about what would be in the center of your eyesight all the time. So this is just a penis shame video. Yeah. Essentially. This is a product that is designed to make you look at your penis, see a penis dramatically more impressive than yours. You can look down and see a monster dong.

That's all you can look at. Whoa. That's all you can look at. It's about the penis and it's about what happens to the penis Wow I mean You're being delicate with this I want you to not be delicate with it

So you're looking around You got a big dong Are you your own race? I assume that you can I think there are different videos There are interesting i was talking to the guy who worked there and you know he was saying i don't know how this kind of sounds like bullshit to me but he was saying oh yeah you know i'm he was saying yeah

i'm happy with my life he's a nice guy uh he was saying that he's like oh i i because you can you can go as a man or a woman okay so you can fuck or be fucked cool so he was saying that like he's like oh i finally understand what it's like to be a woman and just have that disgusting thing oh wow so he he he decided to try it the other way yeah that's nice you can get the other perspective yeah he's just at all you be a little more empathetic we're having a casual conversation and he said oh yeah i just got fucked in the ass for the first time oh my so while you are while you are okay so there's so in your one that you did yeah there's a lady there a couple a couple of ladies many two ladies uh there were a few demos there was two three oh there was – my favorite was the second one where a woman comes by like very bussy but I guess she's supposed to be like a house cleaner and she goes, oh, is this your first time using the dick and ball washing service?

And then she proceeds to wash your dick and balls. Oh, wait. OK. I guess I also don't know this. Are these polygon women or are these film women? No, this is all real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hence the lack of interactivity. But it's just watching porn, but you're in it and it's inside of you. Wow. It'll never leave you. And there's not – I have seen videos of similar technology. I noticed that Jesse is really silent during this conversation. I have seen videos of similar technology, usually from Japan, that have an attachment that you fuck.

This didn't have that. No, no. I mean, I imagine that's not something you want to do. That would be inconvenient on the floor of the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Entertaining, though, it might be. Right. I did go to the AVN show a few years, which is the adult video. Have you been?

Yeah, we did a – It seems right in your wheelhouse. Yeah. When I was doing remotes for Fuel TV, we went to the AVN Expo one year. Did you go to the award ceremony? We did not. We just went to the convention floor and looked at all the new dildos, jizz receptacles, and pornography movies.

That's a mean thing to call women. I was talking about fleshlights and the like, Brian. I respect women, including adult performers. I think they provide a valuable service and they're wonderful entertainers. Yeah. So there. I actually, I went to the award show

and I think that I've got a pretty strong stomach, but I got physically ill watching it. It was just really upsetting. But Fat Mike was sitting right in front of me. Oh, cool. That was cool. Neat.

Celebrity setting. Sure. What about Smelly? Was Smelly there? No, no, just Fat Mike and his porn star girlfriend. Oh, cool. Smelly's my new favorite

member of NoFX. Is he new? No, but I didn't like him until I read that. I thought you'd been an El Jefe fan. Oh, I mean, they're all great.

Love them all. Who's your favorite member of NoFX, Jesse? I don't know. I guess Killer Mike. Yeah. all. Who's your favorite member of NoFX, Jesse? I don't know. I guess Killer Mike. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

LP. So what about the adult awards made you queasy? They had a – I was good for about 20 minutes and then they had – god, what was it? This was a few years ago. I can't remember what it was called. I think it was the Wheel of Dicks. Yeah. Which was just guys sitting like under a wheel and I don't know the physics of it but I had to go.

Was this like a Wheel of Fortune to where a dick was the pointer? Yeah. Well, no. The dick was I guess the prize. Wait. So, can you... I was some sort of sit and spin situation. Someone...

So the dicks were... So the wheel was parallel to the ground and they were spinning it and the dicks were flipping through it. What I'm imagining... If you're at work, Google wheel of dicks. No! Hold on.

What I'm imagining is a Wheel of Fortune wheel turned on its side. Right. So it's parallel to the ground rather than perpendicular to the ground. No, no. Wheel of Fortune is parallel to the ground. Oh, that one. Yeah. Okay.

Gotcha. So yeah. So it's sitting up to where if you were in a theater audience, you could see all the prize notches. And there's a man laying down with an erect penis, and they spin the wheel, and the prize you get depends on where the boner points to. That's what I'm imagining. That's pretty close.

I don't know how much of this I made up. Did you take shrooms before you went to it? It's like the murder hotel we were talking about earlier. It's just one of those things that just kind of haunts you. So, yeah, I mean, obviously, different strokes for different folks, Brian. This wheel of dicks sounds kind of amazing. If it's what I'm thinking of. Yeah, I think I'm out on this dick wheel.

Yeah. I'm getting kind of Brian Heater upset here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you tried the vr porn yep uh i mean obviously hard to be totally lost in the fantasy when you're in a convention center surrounded by guys with lanyards but is it something that unless that's your fantasy sure yeah well then take off the headset yeah and around you. Drink it in. Drink it in. Is it something that you would use for pornography purposes? Did it make it?

Was it better than just flipping on the old laptop? Let's say, Brian, that you bought the headset to play Skyrim. Yeah. But then it just so happened that there was adult films available inside the headset so like you're staying in a hotel and yeah you're jacking station jack into the net maybe let's say you're flipping through hbo go there's a late night tab there's a weird uh any anything that you play in virtual reality uh you risk this sense of like of nausea uh-huh it's really there's this really weird it's it's kind of like um you know like the reason you

get seasick or car sick is because uh like the thing that your brain is processing and the thing your eyes are seeing are very different and it makes you sick so you know when you're trying on a lot of vr headsets that. There's already this level of nausea and then that added on top of it. Sure. It's going to take some getting used to at the very least. So from now on, you will associate having your dick and balls washed with a feeling of nausea.

That's right. I don't think I'll ever be able to get an erection again unless I find an Oculus Rift. In the specific situation of when you're using the dick and balls washing service. I actually had the thought, I was like, I was wondering if there is using the dick and balls washing service. I actually had the thought. I was like, I was wondering if there is actually a dick and ball washing service. It's not technically against the law, is it?

I mean, if it's just for like a cleanliness thing. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think it probably depends what state you're in. Yeah, maybe you've got some foreskin. Sure. Yeah. Different strokes for different folks.

I think so, yeah. I think that's the idiom that we should be using uh when i so i you know as they're announcing all this vr stuff and they've been doing it for for a long time in like the video game world they're like vr is next vr is next it's gonna happen my kind of feeling about it has always been and no fucking way this is another tony hawk board this is another dance dance revolution it'll be kind of cool for a while but then i'll just you know, go under the bed next to the fucking... Wait, there was a board for Tony Hawk? Yeah, there was a skateboard that you had for a while.

You put it in your room, you did little flips on it. Oh, wow. And the guy did flips. Yeah, kind of fun, but, you know, gets a little old after a while. I mean, it's certainly a lot more versatile. Yeah, sure. certainly a lot more versatile yeah sure many more yeah like like somewhere in between you know a tony hawk board and you know uh something that you would use a lot yeah i mean i don't have an other end to this analogy i interviewed the the uh the co-founders of oculus and i made the mistake

of making a 3d tv oh sure they shut that down immediately like no no yeah anyway but this year when i was just kind of poking around looking at all the videos from e3 i'm like shit some of this vr shit looks cool like i for the first time i was like i would be bummed to not play that i i would consider buying a thing if these games all look this cool anyway i. I had the experience. I was at CES in January, which is the big consumer electronic show. And I talked to some people afterwards and they were like, yeah, we saw you and we didn't want to talk to you because you were like dead to the world. So I was like the last day I was completely brain dead. I walked up to the HCC booth and I put the headset on and then like a blue whale swam

by and it was completely sold. I'm not even a gamer and I'm seriously considering, you know, buying a headset and some kind of console. I have a friend who likes to watch movies on his VR headset in a thing where it's like you put the movie into it and then it's like you're sitting in a movie theater. Yeah. And the movie's on a 2D screen, but you can see like people around you or seats around you or whatever. You could sit where you want and you look up at the screen. That's strange. Yeah, but kind of amazing though, right?

Yeah, I mean it's totally – yeah. Well, his name is the Lawnmower Man. Oh. Is he friends with Johnny Mnemonic? Yeah. Dale Lawnmower Man. I went to an HP event and they were showing up some of the virtual reality stuff. Now, this is an event dedicated to that sauce they put on everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were showing a bow and arrow video game and a guy came up and asked if they could change it to an office simulator. Okay. That's what he wanted to try out. The bow and arrow was too exciting. I mean, I think that's like the whole sitting in a movie theater thing. It's like if you're going to simulate something, maybe make it something that you couldn't drive a block and do. Yeah, I mean, I guess you could be sitting in a movie theater in the forest world of not getting from Avatar.

Yeah. See what their movie theaters are like. Probably boring. Gives you a headache. Like, probably boring gives you a headache. Yeah, so I, yeah, I, for the first time looking at all this VR stuff, was like, kind of like, oh, yeah, maybe this is a thing. I mean, I'm already embarrassed at having video game shit around the house. Like, it's not, you know, not the coolest thing to have laying around. But also, you know, adding a headset onto that is a little bit more embarrassing.

Well, here's the beautiful thing. Please. Buy a headset. You never have to leave the house. No one ever has to come over. Oh, cool. Well, here's the beautiful thing. Please. Buy a headset. You never have to leave the house. No one ever has to come over. Oh, cool. They'll never know your secret shame. Yes.

I can stop having people over. Correct. This is amazing. We should explain that Brian's column on TechCrunch is called Hiding Your Secret Shame. Yeah. It's also the name of my column on TechCrunk. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse.

Go. Okay, we'll be back in just a second, Jordan, Jesse, go. Carrie, close your eyes. Okay. In the future, when I utter the word canceled, everything which I have said to you while you are in a therapy session will have no force with you. Let's go to the earliest moment of pain or discomfort. No, Ross, I don't think I want to do Scientology auditing. I understand. The only way is through.

I don't really like Scientology, Ross. That's too bad, because we have a show called Oh No, Ross and Carrie. If people are going to learn all about Scientology, I'm afraid you're going to have to go through the auditing process. Is it going to be just like this? Yep, for like five hours at a time. Why did we start making a show? We're masochists. Oh, okay.

Canceled. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I was painting a picture. Ooh, I got a tall. I can afford a tall. I got TechCrunch money. It's a very visual medium. Hey, I'm with TechCrunch. Can you upgrade my beverage? My grande to a tall. Could you give me a tall, please? It's evening. Could you give me a tall? Do you guys want to hear about the inexplicable thing that happened to me?

Yeah. Right before I got here. Uh-huh. So I drove over from work. Yeah. Traffic was my friend. I had a little free here. Uh-huh. So I drove over from work. Yeah. Traffic was my friend. I had a little free time. Uh-huh.

Got myself a boba. That's nice. They still have those? Boba's back. Really? I hope it never went away. You know, I think- Depends on what neighborhood you're in.

I think Koreatown seems to be in the middle of a second or maybe third boba renaissance. That's great. Boba's a ton of fun. Boba's a ton of fun boba's ton of yeah uh got a nice jasmine tea get a big straw big old straw yeah you go like yeah i got it i'm sure the people who hate it when we eat on mic love us imitating boba noises do you think it's like an asmr thing there are people who just oh yeah boba drinking sounds well yeah maybe if they are out there,

we'll just take a little minute to do a segment for them. If this is all the... I'm speaking to the Boba fans out there. Hi, this is Jordan Jesse, the Boba edition. I'm folding a towel, and I'm sucking Bobas. Big ol' straw. Comb. Comb. Comb. Comb.

Comb. Huh? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Na-na-na-na-na. Folding a towel. Doze nuts. Doze nuts. Doze nuts, though.

Doze nuts, though. Okay, great, great. Yeah, okay. You could just loop that. Yeah, just loop that. I know you people like those long, so you can fall asleep to them. So just, yeah, just loop that. Yeah, just loop that. One of those 10-hour YouTube loops. I know you people like those long, so you can fall asleep to them. So, yeah, just loop that. Cool. So, we're having a boba.

Having a boba. Having a little stroll around. You weren't driving and boba-ing. No. Please, I'm not a monster. Plus, there's checkpoints. Yeah. You get pulled over.

They shine a little light in your eyes and see if they look like bobas, because that's what my eyes turn into when I see a delicious boba. Cha-ching. Whenever I see a delicious boba, you know what I actually see, like in my mind's eye? Like a big roast turkey. Yeah. With his favorite things on his legs. So I'm having this boba and I'm walking around.

There's like a little area where there's like a metro stop and it's kind of surrounded by like little shops and stuff. Oh, sure. It has a giant mural of a finger on a bowl. Oh, I don't know if I saw that mural. Well, you'll see it next time. I missed out. So there's a lot of little kids running around having a nice time. So I'm just kind of ambling around enjoying

this boba and and i feel something hit me and it's a giant boba it's not a giant boba unfortunately it was a handful of sand what this kid had thrown a handful of sand at a pigeon it wasn't a tuscan raider? Missed and hit me. It was a small child. There's no sand in this place. This is a concrete area. Do you think he crushed his own rocks? I think he brought it from home.

I think he brought sand from home or the playground to hurl at pigeons. Yeah, sure. At this metro stop. You can't expect that when you see the pigeons, there's going to be sand on hand in the environment. You got to be prepared. Do you think it's like how you keep a snowball in your freezer? Yeah, I think it's kind of like that. Like maybe he was at the beach.

He stuffed his shorts. And it's like the next time I see one of those fucking pigeons, I'm going to let fly. You know what pigeons hate? Sand. Yeah. They're not like the seagull. And I got in the way. Did any of it get down your hate? Sand. Yeah. They're not like the seagull. And I got in the way. Did any of it get down your shirt?

No. It was not a hearty douching. You're going to be cleaning it out of your shoes for months. No, no. I think I'm fine. I'm sand free at the moment. My kid said a darnedest thing recently. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Both my kids were sick yesterday. Sand flu? Yeah, exactly. The sand was flying yesterday. Sand flew? Yeah, exactly. The sand was flying everywhere. Sandworms. Both my kids were sick, and my son Simon, my older son, threw up, and it was just a total disaster, like he was crying and stuff. One thing about little kids is when they throw up,

they haven't quite figured out the connection between throw-up feelings and throwing up, and then when they throw up, they don't know what happened. Like it's really upsetting to them because it's just from another world. It doesn't stop being upsetting. That's true. But, you know, I think at some point it could have a like almost satiating feeling. Sure, you get the poison out. Yeah.

You know what I learned when I went to the Pompeii exhibit? What's that? When the volcano was exploding. Vesuvius. Yeah, You know what I learned when I went to the Pompeii exhibit? What's that? When the volcano was exploding. Vesuvius. Yeah, that's the one. The Pompeii people had no word for volcano. Didn't know what was happening. Holy shit.

They're just like, well, it's the end. The gods are angry. I don't know what to call this. Anyway. Holy mackerel. So. Wow. So your kids are to call this. Anyway. Holy mackerel. So. Wow. So your kids are chucking beans.

Yeah. So my son Simon threw up. That's what I call chucking beans. And then like an hour or two later, my son Oscar threw up. He's two and a half. And he really was upset. Like he genuinely does not understand what it is to throw up. And like he was in tears.

It was just really brutal. And then maybe four or five minutes after he threw up, maybe even three or four minutes after he threw up, he collected himself completely, just a full turnaround, looked at me, and he said, Oh, I throw it up like Simon. That's silly. Aw. That's nice. Isn't that sweet?

It sounds like they're growing up into two fine young party animals. Absolutely. Just two silly goofballs barfing all over town. Did you make them high five? You should have. Yeah, I missed the opportunity. It'll come again. Well, we'll see.

You got to teach your kids to rage. I know. And teach my kids to give each other a dap. Oh, I don't know what that is. Oh, that's like your more complicated high fives and handshakes. Oh, cool. It's a dap. Yeah, they got a dap.

Are you going to teach them to dab? Come on. Haven't you heard this Chancellor rapper song where 2 Chainz goes, I, I, Cap'n, I'm high, Cap'n, so high, Cap'n, me and God dap'n. That's good. Yeah, it's really great. You can really rely on 2 two chains to come up with a dumb, amazing thing to say in pretty much every verse. I like the idea of being so high that you

have some sort of experience with God. I think that's a good one. I know, but can you imagine just that God is just doing a special high five with you or a special handshake? That's pretty cool. How else would you get into heaven? Just giving you a pound? Yeah. If you don't know, it's straight to hell. The little door opens up. Like the masons up there. Yeah. Very, yeah. Okay. So, Brian, you also mentioned that you alluded briefly to going to a murder hotel.

Yeah. This was not for work. No. No, that was for pleasure. Yeah. I was in the downtown area, and for some reason I knew for a fact that the murder hotel was not far from the bar that we were at. Okay. It's – what is it called now?

I can't – but apparently two serial killers have stayed there. Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker. Can't remember the name of the other guy. Have stayed there just in general, just like while they were at a convention or going to Disneyland or whatever? Not while they were murdering? No. I think they might have taken a vacation. Did they just do a survey of all the guest

logs of hotels to find out which one had the most serial killer guests? I think that when you murder a lot of people maybe they go back and check the paper trail. But I mean like historical. So you're saying they stayed there while they were murdering. Or do they just check all the hotels that you've stayed in over the course of your life?

I think that's right. Okay. Got it. And then there was a couple of years back, there were guests that were drinking water out of the tap and it tasted funny. They were drinking water out of the tap and it tasted funny. And the pressure was low and they found out it was because a woman had somehow managed to sneak into the water tank and died there. So Jordan and I were speculating that the taste was one of two things. It was either decomposition or her bowels had evacuated.

Gee whiz. Probably a little bit of everything. Gee whiz. Probably a little bit of everything. Yeah, probably a cocktail. So we went to the murder hotel and we tried to – because there's famous footage of her being crazy in the elevator and we wanted to go into the elevator. But they now have a security guard. I think they did an American Horror Story episode. So now there's a security guard who stands there and stops you from being a tourist in the elevator. Stops AHM heads. That's right. A-H.

A-H-S. A-S-M-R heads. A-H-S fans. We're going tourist in the elevator. Stops AHM heads. That's right. A-H. A-H-S. A-S-M-R. A-S-M-R heads. A-H-S fans. We're going up in the elevator right now. Oh, this is where the woman where the water tastes. This is terrifying, but also slightly campy. Okay.

Do you do this a lot? Do you go to famous haunted murder sites? No, no, no. I just knew I was by this murder hotel. Okay. I've been thinking a lot about the murder hotel sure there's there's footage in there and it's sort of like vr porn that once you watch it it kind of stays with you oh okay and also it's extremely erotic okay so there's two things also while you watch it you have an enormous

job that's right so you did not really enjoy the vr porn you didn't enjoy wheel of dicks nope but this security cam footage yeah that was the stuff uh you know i have never been i've never been like a murder head this is such a good murder town too oh yeah lots of black dahlias you got your uh your mansons yeah i kind of even wish i was a murder head because they really do seem to have fun with the you know visiting of the place of horror. Like the Star Tour. They have the Star Tour, but for places where people were being murdered.

Yeah, right. The first time I ever really, really enjoyed a murder thing, a true crime thing was I – Were you murdering somebody? When I was throttling the life out of a tractor. It's like VR. You have to experience it firsthand. Yeah, exactly. You got to get your hands dirty.

It's like VR. You have to experience it. Yeah, exactly. First hand. You got to get your hands dirty. I listened to that. I forget how many parts is it, but the series that, oh gosh. Making of a Murderer? No.

What's that? It's the podcast. Karina Longworth hosts it. You must remember this. That's the name. You must remember this. Yeah. So I listened to their-

A Kiss is still a Kiss. That's the one. Yep. I listened to their Manson expose just because it was recommended to me constantly. Right. And I'm kind of like, I don't really like this sort of thing, but I'll give it a shot. Yeah. Which is –

Man, Karina Longworth's speech. She is terrific. Still listen to the show. Big old recommendation. Great program. But yeah, I loved the Manson stuff. And I have – and they mentioned a couple of like restaurants that they went I loved the Manson stuff. And I have and they mentioned a couple of restaurants that they went to on the

Rampage. I have since been back to those restaurants just because I remembered them from the podcast as being part of the Rampage. That's cool. Yeah. What are we talking about? Popeyes. Popeyes. El Coyote on Melrose. Oh, that's where my theater teacher likes to

hold the alumni lunch once a year in Los on Melrose. Oh, that's where my theater teacher likes to hold the alumni lunch once a year in Los Angeles. A lot of fun. And then the Denny's by the freeway. One of these things definitely has real murder overtones to it.

Yeah. Well, they're both a little bit murdery. Denny's by the freeway, though? Yeah. In Los Angeles? I think that was just a convenience thing. But, you know both a little bit murdery. Denny's by the freeway, though? Yeah. In Los Angeles? I think that was just a convenience thing. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, pretty solid Denny's. It's got the new 50s theme.

There's a 50s theme at Denny's? I think they have retroactively, or I think they've retrofitted all the Denny's to be more retro now. I think instead of just being a generic dump. Like it's now a slightly themed generic dump. Now it's a generic dump from 1985. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. They just got some old shit that was left over when Johnny Rockets went out of business.

Right, exactly. Yeah, they cleaned up after Johnny Rockets, after the rubies burned down. So, yeah, that is the Denny's vibe these days. So the 50s being 30 years before the 80s and the 80s being the height probably of 50s nostalgia? Sure. I would imagine. Yeah, sure. So 30 years ago. So they're having recursive nostalgia.

Yeah. They're having nostalgia nostalgia. Yeah. But no 80s diners. As in Back to the Future 2? Wasn't that the 80s? Oh, yeah. Rightow? Yeah. But no 80s diners. As in Back to the Future 2? Wasn't that the 80s? Oh, yeah. Right.

They all go to the 80s diner. What's going on in the 80s diner? He plays some NES game. He plays a Wild West game that ties into the third Back to the Future. It's a little bit of foreshadowing. Gunfight. And then he wins this game. And then the kids who are watching are like,

oh, that's a baby toy. You've got to play with your hands. Kind of implying that kids in that time played with their minds, I guess? There's a lot of kids yelling at him for doing baby things. Yeah. Because she says that about the hoverboard as well. Oh, yeah. It's constantly being mocked by children in that movie.

In the future, people play video games with their diddicks. What? Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. It's constantly being mocked by children in that movie. In the future, people play video games with their Dodecs. What? Do it? Yeah, there you go. So what was the... So you did VR porn. Yep. You did VR video games.

Yep. What was the most impressive non-headset thing that you did while you were there? God, it was all headset stuff. Was it all headset stuff? It was like 95% headset stuff. Interesting. What was the most comfortable headset? That's the kind of stuff my wife and I have gotten really into, headsets.

Role playing? Yeah. Blaze Mosley Skyrim. Oculus is comfortable. Okay. So what are the big headsets? So there's the Oculus. You got the Rift.

You got the Vive. Samsung Gear. Yeah. You got the Rift. You got the Vive. Samsung Gear. Yeah, it's a lower end. What about Cardboard Box in the main? You could put in a cardboard box. Google Cardboard. You know they have those on the back of Happy Meals now. Really?

I got that thing. I got that. That's what I watched that thing that Lance Bangs showed me on. You're in it. Yeah. You're living in the future like the rest of us. You got it. Yeah. I're living in the future like the rest of us. You got it. Yeah.

I know Max Headroom. Personal friend. Do you think that the VR experience is better when it smells like fries? Yeah, absolutely. I got mine at a Denny's, so it just smells like sadness. And the 50s. Yeah. A 50s tinted sadness.

So, racism. Yeah. Racism-related sadness. Did you try the PlayStation 1. Yeah. A 50s tinted sadness. Racism. Yeah. Racism related sadness. Did you try the PlayStation one? Yeah. It's fine. Okay. It's fine.

Not heads and tails above the other ones. I think if I were to get one, that would be the one I would want to get. Yeah. I'd say the Vive or the Oculus Rift. Do they have one for Xbox 360? Yeah. They're all going to be compatible. Oh, great.

Everything's going to be compatible with Xbox 360. You don't have to worry about it. Yeah, sure. You can play Red Dead Redemption on it. Yeah, you got it. Sure. Absolutely. I got that.

I got bored of it pretty quick. You have some thoughts on Red Dead Redemption, Brian? I've never played it. I've never played it either. I don't know. Was that your game? No, I did have that for a while, and I did get bored of it real fast. You've got to go so far on your fucking horse to do anything.

But you're not a gamer, but you bought an Xbox? No, I got an Xbox. I play video games sometimes. I don't have an Xbox One. I only got Xbox 360. Do you feel like you can't play video games when your children are around? I can't play video games since I've had children because I just don't have time to fucking play a video game.

I barely have time to watch a sitcom. Come on, Brian. Help me out. Shoot me. You should get them. You should kill two birds with one stone if you just get the Friends video game. Yeah. Chandler's Revenge. Kills his children? Was that what that was?

No, I'm just going to say there's a Friends tie and kill his children. Where did you get that, Brian? Where did you he kills his children? Was that what that was? No, I'm suggesting there's a friend's tie and kill his children. Where did you get that, Brian? Where did you get kill his children from? You should play the friend's video game. Chandler's Revenge is this form of dysentery that I got one time when I ate lunch at a cafe in New York. Sure. Central Perk.

Oh, yeah. You got a bad case of diarrhea? Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine. From what I hear from new parents, the like, you know, you have to discard frivolities one by one. And video games are always pretty early on the list of things to go. I had, when we only had one kid, that's when I had Skyrim. And I did obsess over Skyrim. Like, I got completely obsessed with Skyrim.

But with two, it's like there's no time when you just leave. Like I get one time a week to go do something myself. So that time is Sundays before noon. So Sundays before noon I go to church. So you wake up at 4 a.m.? I just don't go to sleep, Jordan. I'm still partying from Saturday night up until about 11.30. Then I hit Denny's.

Cool. Great. I like the theme. And then I'm back home. I go to the flea market on Sunday morning. That's it. That's the only time that I'm doing anything that isn't work or childcare related. Do you think that video games could potentially be a source of bonding with your children when they're a little bit older?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I mean, I'm more, I want to, like, I got to figure out, because my son plays a little bit of computer games on the computer at his preschool. Like a number munchers? Leisure suit Larry, right?

He's got an old Amiga. In the land of the lounge. A little condom cursor. Yeah, he mostly plays. He's got an Amiga. He's got an Amiga at work, so it's mostly Loom. Oh, okay. He's playing a lot of Loom, a lot of Secret of Monkey Island.

Yeah. And my friend Jody's dad had an Amiga. But no, I think he's interested in it. I don't know if there's such a thing as a good video game for a four-year-old to play. But I can see there being a good video game for a seven-year-old to play or something. Are you conscious about limiting their screen time? Yeah, we're okay about that. I mean, we're not obsessed with it.

But especially now that we got two, it makes it a little more complicated it just you know i see i see a lot of uh parents at public and they just they put a tablet in their children's yeah we try not to we try not to do that yeah yeah unless things are unless things are really desperate then there's a thing where you can draw little pictures on the phone we'll let him draw pictures with his finger you just hand them you guys hand them an encyclopedia right yeah here's here's t or a copy of encyclopedia brown sure that helps his reasoning skills that's as good as an encyclopedia yeah that's nice you learn anything from encyclopedia brown yeah i wonder i wonder if if like what a because like when you were our age like you know video games weren't just in your face you had to get them yeah you had

to go through some shit now all say when you were our age when we were when we were kids yeah jesse when you were a 34 year old like jordan you understood what i was saying uh a year ago when yeah when we were uh when we were kids like you had to like get a video game yeah and i didn't get video games in my house i would play them at my friend jody's house you had to get a video game. And I didn't get video games in my house. I would play them at my friend Jody's house. You didn't have a Nintendo? I didn't have one until I bought one for myself with money that I had saved from Christmases. I bought a Genesis, and that was when I was maybe in seventh grade.

Did you have any friends with a Neo Geo? No. No rich kids? Yeah, that was the sign that the parents were doing all right when you had that $800 Neo Geo. Yeah, that was pretty out of control. I did know one kid who had a Sega Master System and a Super NES and TurboGrafx. Multi-console household. Yeah.

And he eventually got a Genesis, too. But now all things have video games on them. Yeah. Like, everything you buy, you can just put a video game on it. Yeah. So, yeah. They come with Happy Meals now. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you just get a copy of Echo the Dolphin. Yeah. So, yeah, I wonder if... I got Riven, the sequel to Myst. Oh, okay. Shit made. Gotta take that back. Yeah, so I don't know.

I wonder what a young kid's relationship to video games will be like when he's eight or nine. It won't be like a mind-blowing thing. It'll just be like, oh, here's another one of these, you know? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I would like to... There's gotta be like... You know how they got those artsy video games for grown-ups?

I'm gonna try and stick them with those, you know? That's how he's gonna learn him some culture? Not like the ones for grown-ups, but just like and stick them stick them with those you know that's how he's gonna learn him some culture not like the ones for grown-ups but just like they gotta have a kid version of that right yeah it's a boring video game like i just wanted to play boring video the thing about children is that their definition of what is boring is kind of set by what's around them so like until my kid saw paw patrol he didn't know that he shouldn't just watch mr rogers like we were just watching mr rogers now mr rogers is pretty fucking boring it's great it's a literally might be the greatest single television show ever but it's kind of boring

paw patrol is not boring at all what is paw patrol it's about what paw patrol is uh just from hearing it's a rescue dog show. Yeah, Canadian dogs that have powers and backpacks and vehicles. And so anyway, Paw Patrol is a pile of garbage. But it's more exciting than Mr. Rogers. And so now maybe

Mr. Rogers to him seems boring. So I feel like I gotta focus on giving him boring artsy video games. Like that one where you're in a fire station have you heard oh fire watch yeah yeah yeah you'd watch fire yeah it's supposed to be amazing it's kind of like the new mist yeah you got it so I want to give him that shit but what that plus the equation should be that plus reader rabbit okay what about uh like a Carmen Sandiego is that still going concerned I figure they got I still have Carmen there's out there, right? There's got to be a new, yeah.

Somebody's got to stop the Liberty Bell from being stolen. Maybe that's just because I'm an ace detective. Right. So I've got a little skin in the game. You've got to maintain that rank. But, yeah, I think there's got to be a Carmen Sandiego. You've caught a vile henchman or two. You got it.

Oh, out of thought, it's gone. Anyways, something about Carmen Sandiego, I guess. Oh. Was it something about how. So then about carbon San Diego, I guess. Oh, was it something about how did you guys one time? Like the highlight of my childhood was one time I was at, I don't know, I guess a baseball card convention. And,

uh, the people from interactive TV were there. Do you remember this? It was like a box you plugged into your TV with buttons on it. It's not, cause I know there was one from the seventies where, where, where they played video games and you yelled at them what to do. Have you seen that before? No.

It was like a local TV thing. And they're playing it on screen and kids call in and tell them what buttons to press. Oh, weird. Which is problematic because there's a delay. Sure. Yeah. Anyway. This is like a 1990, 1992 situation.

So it would have been like on a CD-ROM. Yeah, but you could play along to Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I fucking kicked the ass of every person on that television. And then I was like, damn it, how the fuck do I get on there and win whatever it is that they get, which is probably like a $50 college scholarship. But like if you do really well, they don't call your house.

They don't come on the game. That would be amazing. A brochure for space camp. I know. Consider space camp. When you were a kid, didn't you just assume that like people were constantly scouting you for greatness? No, but that sounds good. Is that part of your paranoid schizophrenia?

There were just a lot of weirdos following me, maybe. You got that positive paranoid schizophrenia. You know, as you talk about boring games for kids. Yeah. I don't know how popular it still is with the kids. I think it probably is still very popular. Minecraft. That is some boring, wandering, pastoral shit that I do not want to play for more than two minutes.

You know what I think the appeal is? The terrible graphics. Yeah, I know. It's so weird. Yeah, I'm – so, yeah, I mean, when you were saying boring games for kids, I'm like, I don't know. Would a kid – is there a boring game for a kid? Yeah, there totally is. It's Minecraft.

What do kids like about it? I don't know. You build things. It there a boring game for a kid? Yeah, there totally is. It's Minecraft. What do kids like about it? I don't know. You build things. It's kind of like Lego without having to touch blocks. Yeah, I guess it's just the exact, it is, they just did the perfect job of simulating Legos, but then something you can do on an iPad when your mom wants you to quiet down at a restaurant. Yeah, anyway, I am constantly blown away by how nothing that game is, but how every kid in America. Didn't Microsoft buy that for like half a billion dollars?

Yeah, some crazy amount of money. It's not quite LinkedIn money, but. No, no, no. It is huge, though. It's huge with the kids. Yeah. LinkedIn? I know.

I am constantly getting endorsements for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for uh what's that long division what's that linkedin yeah what do you mean about people endorsement for peanut butter skill set yeah you get somebody says that you can do a thing on linkedin tying his shoes that happens on linkedin i have you know i have never i have gotten are we not connected on linkedin i have gotten i have not made a linked LinkedIn profile. I will sometimes get an email that someone wants me to join their network. I usually delete it. I don't really know what goes on on LinkedIn. I think I eventually created an email filter for anything with the word LinkedIn in it. But yeah, I think I must have created one because I used to get endorsements from my dad mostly.

I think LinkedIn is Minecraft for adults. Is it really? Do you get to build things? You get to build your skill set, your resume, your connections. In LinkedIn, at night, the skeletons come. Oh. Yeah.

Interesting. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hello. I am comedian and television writer Guy Branum. And every week on Pop Rocker, I host a fun, freewheeling conversation about all the aspects of pop culture you love to love with my friends and co-panelists. Digital strategist Winter Mitchell. Journalist Margaret Wappler.

Academic and DJ Oliver Wang. And you guys, this conversation is not just something we do privately. It's available to you through the Information Superhighway. So please, subscribe to Pop Rocket on iTunes or at MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, No, that's a terrible nickname. LinkedIn. Brian Minecraft. I don't think we've ever shot down somebody's nickname. We try to be positive about those. But that's garbage. Boy, howdy. You might as well have just said a good nickname from the past from someone else and just straight up stolen it.

Yeah. If you were... Brian John Hodgman Heater. Brian Explodo Heater. Yeah, I don't know. We do what we can. Okay, Jordan, first of all, we just got back from MaxFunCon. We sure did. You have a good time from MaxFunCon. We sure did.

You have a good time at MaxFunCon? Blast and a half. Highlights? Only lowlights. You taught an improv class this year, right? Yeah, I taught an improv class. That was a hoot. You and I did an Ask Us Anything with Travis McElroy.

That went really well, I thought. Yeah, a ton of fun. A lot of cool people. We got that on tape. That'll be a donor bonus episode as soon as Brian's got the time to cut it. Yeah, so keep a lookout for that. Yeah, it was a fun mix of people talking about podcasting and the art of and just kind of bullshit goofy questions. Tons of fun.

Yeah, I was really happy that actually Lance Bangs was at MaxFunCon with his wife, Korn Tucker of Slaterinney, and they led a game of Werewolf. Have you heard of this? I think it's like Mafia or something where you kill people by scratching them in the palm. Yeah, this is a talky kind of party game. You might play it at a theater camp or something. The thing that I thought was really cool about it was they have a daughter who's maybe 8 or 10,

and she was there... Definitely not nine. She was there in a full-on werewolf costume. Hell yeah. Just a full-fucking werewolf costume. I just wanted to be like... Just like Corin Tucker does

in the band Slater Kinney. Yeah, oh, you know, I loved... It was nice to kind of do an official Max FunCon thing with Dan and Stu from the Flophouse. Oh, that was great. I should have mentioned that.

Yeah, Jordan filled in for Elliot in a live Flophouse riff, which I thought was so cool. Elliot's working on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 show, so he could not travel. He could not travel. But Dan and Stu came out and Jordan with them did a live riffing thing on a movie called Quiet Cool. Quiet Cool. Yeah. It's a late 80s one-man army movie about a guy who rides his motorcycle to some sort of logging town and kills everyone for some reason. He loves trees. He's got a teenage murder sidekick also.

He and a teenage archer kill everyone. Yeah, it was a real fun time. And, yeah, just kind of great to kind of do something with those guys and was kind of part of the family. That was great. That was so fun, so funny. I was in the audience just losing it. Yeah, that was a blast.

Anyway, Max Fun Con East is coming up Labor Day weekend on the East Coast. So if you're on the East Coast and you've always wanted to come to Max Fun Con or if you came to regular Max Fun Con. Oh, and guess what else we did? Thanks to the kindness of the folks at MaxFunCon. Obviously, the terrible, tragic news about Orlando broke on the Sunday morning, the last day of MaxFunCon. Just by passing a box around, we managed to raise $4,000

for the LGBT Center in Orlando, which is called The Center. If you want to get in on that, we would love to have you donate to them. We picked them. They're a great organization doing a lot of service for LGBT folks in Orlando. And yeah, I was just like, literally 200 people, we raised four grand just passing a box around with money from people's pockets. It was totally

awesome. Can I just say, apropos of not much,'s no gentle way to segue from a a remembrance of all the people who died into a keynote about video games there were a lot of awkward moments at e3 this week yeah i bet there were a lot of there's a lot of hooting during that moment of silence um yeah so uh max fun con east is coming up speaking of awkward segues in the Poconos Labor Day weekend, tickets are on sale now. MaxFunCon.com. We're not going to – I don't think we're going to announce the full lineup, but we are going to commit to this. Jordan and I will be there. I think we're going to do a Jordan-Jesse Go.

I think we're looking toward – it's been a long time since we've done Jordan-Jesse Go, one of these things. Full live show. I said we just do it, right? Full on livey. Just a full livey. I mean, I bet we'll probably have a chance for a great guest or two. Yeah, I think there's probably going to be some real good guests there. Okay.

A partner in Nonchalant. For instance? Phoebe Robinson. Sure. I'm just saying. These are some people. Let's call those possible guests. Okay.

But also, every McElroy and Smurl is going to be there. Hey. There are over 7,000 members of the McElroy family going to be staying in this hotel. They basically have turned it into one of those family reunions where everyone wears a promotional T-shirt. Mm-hmm. And it's going to be a real blast. So maxfuncon.com if you want to get tickets. Hey, Jordan, we also have something up on the Jumbotron this week. Yes.

If you want to get tickets. Hey, Jordan, we also have something up on the Jumbotron this week. Yes, it is for Lisette from Jack to the love of my life. Probably love of my life. Yeah, probably just a typo. No, no, no. Maybe this is an inside joke between them. The real question is, it's really a style book question.

We should ask our editor. Sure. Like, do we have to do the literal quotation or can we correct the grammar at punctuation? I will read it as is. Okay. To the love my life, happy 30th birthday. Thank you for being my best friend and partner and for loving Moses and I the most. Don't know what that means.

Moses is- Yeah, he's a prophet. He led the Jews to freedom. I've only read the new. Oh, okay. Got it. I've got to catch up. Yeah.

You're a great mom, and you're doing a great job. I'm so proud of you, and I look forward to all our future adventures together. You're the love of my life. You know that I will never leave your side. Love, Jack. Thank you for pronouncing the comma between I and will never leave your side, by the way. Yeah, I was reading as is. Now read it with a preposition. I and will never leave your side, by the way.

Yeah, I was reading as is. Now read it with a preposition. And I, of will never, leave your the side, love, Jack. I think this would be even better. This is a really beautiful, heartfelt note. I feel like it would be even better as like a love song.

Oh. Or an ASMR video. To the love of my life, happy 30th birthday. I'm folding the towels. All I really know about ASMR videos is that sometimes they're folding towels. And they're talking about that. I think they're just talking about what they're doing in a quiet voice. If you want your message shared on JordanJesseGo, go to MaximumFun.org.

It is cheap and easy. If you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm trying to keep forgetting to do a nickname. God damn it!

Brian Heater. Did you have anything close to a nickname growing up? Did you... Brian Special Brew Heater. Yeah, my... Yeah, yeah. I mean, there are plays on my last name. My improv name was Brian Turnoff the Heater.

Oh, yeah. Did we have... I'm on the nose. Did we have improv names? Oh, no, that was a high school thing. That was a comedy sports thing. Got it. Sports with a heater. Oh, yeah. Did we have improv next? Oh, no, that was a high school thing. That was a comedy sports thing. Got it. Sports with a Z.

Got it. Referee blows a whistle and puts a bag on your head if you swear. Also, Jesse goes to it just after college in Washington, D.C., and literally can't make it through an entire show. It's so awful. Yeah. What was the stripping one? Oh, wow. I was in that. Yeah. What was the stripping one? Oh, wow.

I was in that. Jordan, were you in that with me? You were in the naked improv? No. In Santa Cruz, there was a naked, not a naked. It was a gimmick. It was a stripping short form improv group. Who was in it with me?

Scripties. Yeah. I think I auditioned for it and did not get in. Really? So, yeah, yeah. You weren't big enough? Not big enough, I think I auditioned for it and did not get in. Really? So, yeah, yeah. You weren't big enough? Not big enough, yeah. I got in it.

Just like a bunch of Vine stars. I never got so far as to do a show with them, but I was in multiple rehearsals with them. Oh, wow, yeah. Were you nervous? Someone else was in it with me. I thought it was you, Jordan. No, I mean, I think I auditioned for it, but didn't get in. Yeah, it was a stripping improv group.

That might be the most Santa Cruz thing of all time. Some just real nice local Santa Cruz people. Totally. Just some real nice folks that worked at Cafe Pergolese. Yeah, no, I know. It's just definitely like the height of like short form improv gimmickry. Yeah. But I think the deal was

that they had you know they stripped as they performed the show but they had on uh like a crazy amount of clothes like mormon underwear yeah yeah i think they had on like parkas they started the show in parkas and uh and then things like that so they weren't i don't think they were ever actually you know it they weren't actually nude to the point of tantalizing anyone. I was also in a San Francisco sketch comedy group called Killing My Lobster, which I recently found out still exists. Oh, yeah. I was in that for an institution, right? I'm going to say three weeks.

Okay. Three weeks. I got the boot. I wonder if Script Tease is still around. If you're in the Santa Cruz area and you've attended a scripties show recently, congratulations. Last I heard our improv group that Brian and I were

in the year that it started still exists at UC Santa Cruz. You really fought for huge robotic cock. Yeah, well I was I don't know. You know, I was 19. Huge robot cock was what it was going to be. We had a great logo. Yeah, it was a big robot-like chicken. The name of, I think we should clarify, the name of the group was Humor Force 5.

Not a great name. Well, it's a college improv group. It was a Pulp Fiction reference. Yeah. And the logo was the Huge Robot Cock. Yeah, that was the compromise so Jesse didn't get too angry. Yeah. Oh, man, I was so angry at the time.

Good times, right? Yeah. Oh, man, I was so angry at the time. Good times, right? Yeah. I'm glad that I had a college improv group with a terrible name. I think it's done wonders in bonding me to every comedy person I meet. Yeah. If you're meeting a new comedy person, there's a lull in the conversation. You can just say, hey, what was the name of your bad college improv group? Yeah, there you go.

And we have got two. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Do you think that that is more of a uniting force than your past, and I assume current interest in ska music? No, yeah, just- Nothing like when you meet a real old school ska head. Oh, sure. What a hoot.

Yeah, no, definitely like everybody like, bad college improv group name. And, yeah, it's nice that you can kind of, like, share in the embarrassment of what a goofball you were. Yeah, I think that's kind of a beautiful thing. Hey, speaking of beautiful things. Sure. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. You know, stop podcasting yourself.

Recently got an 800 number, toll-free call-in number, an 844 number. I believe it's 844-SPY-POD-1. So they're toll-free. It costs $9 to call ours, right? Yeah, we're not. Ours is a 900 number. Oh, okay. 206 is, you call ours.

It's just a recording of Jose Canseco wishing you the best. It's probably actual live Jose Canseco. Well, he alternates with Hammer. Yeah, it's me. Come pick me up. Where are you? My softball game is over. Come pick me up, mommy.

What do you think is happening? Jose needs orange slices. Where's the previa? The idea that Jose Guseco is reverted to a childlike state and you could call him on a 900 number. Loves his juice. Yeah. Thinks you're his mother. Yeah.

Okay. Well, it's summer, Jordan. Sure. You know what time of year that is for, well, it's summer, Jordan. Sure. You know what time of year that is for Jordan Jesse Go listeners? Oh, yeah. That's summer boy time, Brian. Summer boy is not a gender, although it could be a gender identity, especially if you go to, like, Oberlin.

Sure. Like, right now, if you're a student at Oberlin right now, there's no doubt that your gender is summer boy. Can I just announce a small change to the summer boy protocol this year? Yeah, sure. Of course. I mean, you're the creator of summer boy. You're the original summer boy. It's well within your purview. Yeah.

So, I mean, obviously, I don't want to change anything about this year. Brian, for you, we ask that our listeners become summer boys every summer and just take some time to chill and grill, throw back some brews, kick up their feet. Yeah. You know, enjoy the season. Yeah. This year. I'm going to go see James Taylor on the 4th of July, so. Hell yeah.

That's some, that is some summer boy shit. Yep. Where's he at? Hollywood Bowl? He's going to be, I'm going to be in the Berkshires. Oh. Headed to the Berkshires. I don't even know where that is.

Neither do I. Okay. What state? My way Berkshires. Oh. You're headed to the Berkshires? I don't even know where that is. Neither do I. Okay. What state? My way? Don't know. Okay. Massachusetts-ish. Okay.

Surprise me. Possibly Pennsylvania. If it is in the U.S., we know that. Yeah, the northeastern United States. I don't know. My plan right now is just to get a good bead on James Taylor and follow him. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, you know, he is definitely a musical summer boy of sorts. I'm told that there is going to be fried chicken at this James Taylor concert, so that sounds like pretty much the hot setup to me. Yeah, hell yeah. I'd go to a John Tesh concert and eat fried chicken. Yeah. Honestly, I'd go to a John Tesh concert anyway. That sounds fun. You're flying across the country to see James Taylor and eat fried chicken? No, I'm going to do, that's just one of the activities at this.

I'm going to visit a friend as a summer home in the Berkshires. My family are going to go there and hang out at the summer home. Is your friend James Taylor? Yes. Yes. Yes. My friend is James Taylor. I mean, this is a dumb.

I love the gentle way he rocks me. This is a dumb question that I know the answer to. I'm going to put it out there. Yeah. When you go see Tesh, he does round ball rock, right? You bet he does. He does round ball rock.'m going to put it out there. When you go see Tesh, he does round ball rock, right? You bet he does. He does round ball rock. Yeah, you got it, buddy.

Wait, that's entertainment tonight. Also a John Tesh song. Also a John... No, that's the movie theater. Nope, Mario. What is the... I know... Okay, hold on.

I'm gonna look up round ball rock on YouTube because it's gonna drive me up a fucking wall. Round ball rock is the theme from the NBA on NBC. It's something that under ordinary circumstances I would be able to sing at the drop of a hat. And I'm sure that there are many people in our audience who are singing the song.

I looked it up on YouTube and got the watched logo come up. So I have watched Round Ball Rock on YouTube. Wait, is this the video? There's an amazing video of him at Red Rocks. Performing with an orchestra where he demonstrates, he plays the cassette tape answering machine tape of himself.

Humming it. Of himself. I think that's bullshit. Really? Yeah, I think that's fake. One, two, three o'clock. You think it's fake? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, I do. I've seen that. Listen, I like that he did it. So Tesh's story about Round Ball Rock is that he heard it in a dream and had to like he was on the road or something and then called his answering machine and hummed round ball rock and he plays what he says is the original answering machine tape it's too jokey it's too like there's like timing and there's little like pauses are you so so you're not object you don't think this story is apocryphal

i don't think the actual the the tape is i don't think that the one he... You think the actual... The tape is. I don't think that the one he plays live, the tape he plays live is not the tape. Because it seems like a feasible story to me. It's just too jokey. It's too, like, perfectly timed. You object to the tape, not to the story. You think that John Tesh is that deceitful? No, I mean, I think he's a showman. And I think it's just part of it, you know?

He's not doing magic tricks. No, but I'm saying he... John Tesh is a truth teller i don't think he is he's the george carlin of his generation creating a great show for his fans hold on it's coming okay i think this isn't just him talking about it here it comes okay here we go. He's dribbling the ball around Red Rocks. The fake ball. Okay, I was right. You're about to see some entertainment news. Michael Jordan, Steve Kerr.

Dominique Wilkins. Yeah, got it. Anyway. Clyde Drexler. So, what were we talking about? Summer boy shit. Yeah, summer boy shit. Small changes to summer boy protocol this year.

Okay, small change. Little change. It's a minor change. It's not a major change. Yeah, literally one letter. This is something that could be handled exclusively by the executive branch, did not require legislation. Absolutely not. But we would like old Joey Biden to weigh in.

Yeah. We've got a tie in the Senate. Yeah. This year, summer boy will be spelled with an I. Oh, okay. Summer B-O-I, to keep with current trends. Oh, that's fun. Not summer bae?

No, not summer bae. Summer boy, as in fuck boy, dat boy, et cetera. Got it. Big boy, skater boy. Big boy. Yeah, all the boys. All the boys out there. So yeah, so just when you're printing up your Summer Boy letterhead or whatever, I just ask that you spell it B-O-I.

What about fans of oi music? Street punks. Yes, 70s British working class skinheads. Summer boy oi oi. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Put some sunscreen on those skinheads. Put some sunscreen on, fellas.

I'm on board for this. Yeah. That sounds nice. Okay, so we have a summer boy call. We're not saying, we're not, look, this summer, we're not going to just spend our whole summer playing summer boy calls. But if you've got a great summer boy moment, give us a call. Yeah, call it in. We'll share it, you know.

Three-way on a dock. Yeah, you got it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and guests. This is Mary from Rockford, Illinois. I was just sitting outside on my back porch, and I looked to the left of me, and there was a shirtless man listening to heavy metal music with a baseball bat swinging it at tree limbs

and I looked to the other side of me and there is a shirtless teenage boy spraying himself in the penis with a high-powered water hose. So, if any summer boys, I don't know what it is. Yeah.

Bye, guys. Hose it is. Yeah. I guess. Hose it down. Was this a father and son team, do you think? I think he'd leave with the fact that he lived next to Glenn Danzig, though. Yeah, yeah, you would think so. You would think so. Now that the misfits are reuniting, he's getting in shape. Spraying down the old penis.

Spraying himself with the penis. Jordan, didn't we see Glenn Danzig wandering around in his front yard one time? Like, before I even lived in Los Angeles, I came to visit you. We saw Glenn Danzig wandering around in his front yard one time? Like, before I even lived in Los Angeles, I came to visit you. We saw Glenn Danzig wandering around. Boy, that is absolutely something that I have seen a lot. I mean, definitely, like, when I first moved here, there was a lot more dancing activity. I haven't seen him in years, but that is a regular, like, you know, like, Silver Lake celeb sighting is shirtless dancing. By the way, if you don't think that I had that CD in 6th grade, 7th grade.

Dancing solo. Mother 93. Yeah, there you go. Mother. That's the one. Yeah. Yeah, no, definitely like shirtless. Did not like any of the other songs.

I want to make that clear. Bought that CD, hated everything except for that one song. And that song, you had to go to track 93. Oh yeah that's a lot of dancing yeah uh so yeah definitely uh definitely like shirtless dancing and he like lived i don't know if he still lives there but he lived on a really like suburban he lives on that same dilapidated house oh yeah yeah oh that's great have you been there recently no but there's a lot there's a lot of action in front of that house a lot of people make pilgrimages to it there's a lot of uh there's a lot of action in front of that house. A lot of people make pilgrimages to it. There are a lot of pictures online of him

buying cat food. Oh, yeah? That's very popular. No, that sounds like fun. He loves cats. Hmm. Well, there you go. Good for him. So, yeah, it was also always a nice contrast to see this kind of picket-fency suburban house with Danzig chilling out front of it. Is he a famous racist?

No, I don't think so. No, okay. I don't think so. You're thinking of David Duke. I feel like there was rumors about that when I was a young teenager. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I think there have been a lot of shitty misfits post-dancing. Shit, shit? A lot of shits fits. So maybe, I mean, I don't, you know, maybe I just don't want to believe that my hero, Clint Dancing, is a racist. But maybe it is impossible that one of these pretenders who stepped in after he left the band did some racist stuff. But I don't know. But he's back.

That's the important thing. And racister than ever. Okay, let's take a momentous occasion call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Jessica calling from Chicago with a momentous occasion. This weekend I officiated my very first lesbian wedding between my two best friends. Everything went really well up until I got to the, by the power of F and Z, by the state of Illinois, I now pronounce it as D. Then, suddenly realized I had not had an exchange ring.

So, just sort of backed it up. Took it a second time. Take two was excellent. Everybody seemed to have fun. And also, I got a neat corgi badge because I got it retained on the internet, which I'm probably going to wear, I don't know, all the time. Anyway, love the show. Thanks, guys. Gotta, gotta, gotta. Glad to going to wear, I don't know, all the time. Anyway, I love the show. Thanks, guys. Get them.

Glad to hear they came with a badge. Yeah, that's nice. When I got that, I didn't get a badge. Yeah. We all got ordained in college, right? The Universal Life Church? Yeah, I got that shit. Yeah.

I didn't do it. Man, I can miss it. That was like the dawn of you just being able to print that shit out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Before you had to write in an S-A-S-E. Put it next to all the rows of empty beer bottles above your bed.

Yeah. Those were the days. Yeah, I missed out on a lot of shit apparently. I wasn't in the naked improv group. I didn't get to get ordained by the life church.

That was when I... It's never too late, Jordan. I officiated that one listener wedding for Guy and Mary Beth up in Seattle and it was like a very beautiful wedding and I had to geteth up in Seattle. And it was like a very beautiful wedding,

and I had to get one of those badges. It was really nice, and Marybeth's a real classy doctor. Guy just works for Xbox. And so just at the end of the whole fucking classy-ass wedding, they just got Gears of War guns and did poses. Have you done a wedding at max funcon no no i well i i married a couple at boatparty.biz but it was before we got on the boat and they have since divorced i i i went to a polyphonic spree show where there was a wedding

oh this seems like the place for it. Everybody's already in robes. Just nine or ten people becoming a love group or something. Yeah, a man marrying a trombone. Yeah. A flower marrying the wind. Let's take another call. Hey, this is Brandy from Birmingham, and I was calling with a momentous occasion.

Hey, this is Brandy from Birmingham, and I was calling with a momentous occasion. I have an 8-year-old daughter who has been kind of obsessed with talking about how babies are made. And so I tend to do the, you know, just ask or answer exactly what she's asked and nothing more. And until the other night, it had been pretty innocent, and she finally asked the question, but how does the sperm get to the egg? So that night, I had actually had a little bit of wine, so I was feeling brave. So I asked her, I said, do you really want to know? She said yes. So I told her, not graphic detail, but I told her basically the mechanics of baby making. And when I was done, she had a disgusted look on her face and she told me, I don't think I ever want

a husband. So that was a win. Then afterwards, she looked at me and she said, mommy, please don't drink anymore. So in the course of one conversation I've managed to scare her off of sex and alcohol so good I guess alright thanks bye I'm not 100% sure that this was a momentous occasion call and

not a genius call for one bad mother sure or a fail call it was sort of a combination genius fail call I like it sort of where everybody learns a lesson, though. I feel like we all learned something from that story. I still don't really know where babies come from. I would have loved to. Apparently it involves getting really drunk.

Yeah, well. A lot of red wine. I am halfway there. They had a great where babies come from author on One Bad Mother. We got this book. God damn it if I can remember what this thing is called. But it's really great it's really amazing like in 2016 there's totally like a book that teaches kids where babies come from uh that is both has like the pleasant tone you're looking for and also graphic sex no like includes uh includes all different kinds of parents. Like does not presume genders or even that kids are like, you know, conceived the old fashioned way or anything.

So you're getting traditional PNV conception. Traditional PNV. Someone else carries the baby. The kid's adoption. Cabbage patch. Two moms, two dads. Genders. Gender neutral people,

whatever. And it's not like it like lists all the things. They just have found a way to elegantly describe where babies come from without excluding any of those groups. It's kind of amazing. That's great. Yeah, it's really good.

I wish I knew what the fucking thing was called, but go back and listen to one bad mother episode about it and you can hear it there, but it's real nice. It's very comforting. It's nice to know that the kids – oh, and I've also got this book called Chickens Aren't the Only Ones. This is about all the different animals that lay eggs. Okay.

And just a great list of different animals that lay eggs. It's very inclusive. It doesn't exclude the spiny anteater. Or the platypus. Yeah, man. That platypus and that spiny anteater are all up in Chickens Aren't the Only Ones. That's exclusive. It doesn't exclude the spiny anteater. Or the platypus. Yeah, man. That platypus and that spiny anteater are all up in the chickens aren't the only ones. That's great. They're called oviparous.

Is that a parable about inclusion or is it just informative? No, it's just about what kind of animals lay eggs. Okay. It's more of a book-length listicle. Oviparous animals. Sure. Yeah, it's a book-length listicle. It's 14 animals that

lay eggs that you'll recognize if you're Pakistani. That only Latina nurses will recognize. There is literally a BuzzFeed listicle about like 10 something somethings that only Latina nurses will recognize.

Very particular. This echidna is pregnant. You won't believe what happens next. Let's take another call. Good evening, like probably, I guess, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I live on Guam,

and I was driving around and saw a building, and on the front of the building it just said the words, Chode Building, C-H-O-D-E, for the record. And I laughed so hard, I almost crashed my car. And just so you know, growing up, for me, Chode meant, yeah, a dick that was wider than it is long, tunic hand situation. So, yeah, get them, get them, get them.

Great chance to poll the guest. Brian, what is your personal definition of chode? I think it's accurate. Wider than it is long. Girthier than it is long, yeah. Yeah. In Guam, where this guy lives, it's sort of regional. So Brian and I are both from Northern California.

He lives on Guam. That's probably why the two of us agree on our definition. You're from Southern California. Maybe it's a different definition. In Guam, it's actually a food paste made from a local tuber. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you spread some chode local tuber. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you spread some chode on toast.

Yeah, you got it. Get yourself some chode toast. Yeah, get a nice chode toast. Chode with your plate lunch. Something that we've been talking a lot about on the show lately, Brian, is the, you know, multiple definitions of the word chode. You know, if it's, you know, I'm trying to kind of just parse this out. I'm trying to piece together this puzzle that is chode. And, you know, a lot of different definitions.

People are getting at us on Twitter with their personal definitions. I even heard that someone used it as like drug slang for like a joint that's almost burned out, like a roach. That's a chode. Yeah, they call it a chode. Christian's nodding appreciatively big old nod a dork is a whale penis right yeah you know who no a geek a geek bites the head off a chick you know i think just as you know in the same spirit of you know there being a lot of ways to have a baby yeah there being a lot of different kinds of animals that lay eggs, not just chickens.

A lot of words for snow. Mm-hmm. If you're... An Eskimo. An Eskimo. Nah. But no words for love?

Uh, you know, I think, I think we can just allow... I think they're capable of love. I think they are too. And they prefer

to be called Inuits. No words for volcano. Got it. There you go. No words for volcano. You got it. Too cold. Uh, yeah, I mean, I think we can just let all these Cho definitions, you know, exist, you

know, happily alongside each other. Yeah. And I think that's a lot of fun. That's really beautiful, Jordan. Thank you. I think the- You're a wonderful man. The list of Cho definitions is wider than it is long.

That's true, yeah. It's a very wide list. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. Brian, plug two heater.

There you go. No? De La Soul? Yeah, De La Soul. I'm Jesse Truegoy Thorne. It's just yogurt spelled backwards. That's how they came up with rap names in the early 1990s, late 1980s. Wait, wait.

Ray Shrumman is something spelled backwards. Yeah. Drummers. What is it? Ear drummers. Ear drummers. That'smers. What is it? Ear drummers. Ear drummers. That's dumb. Yeah, it's kind of dumb.

It's actually even dumber backwards. Great band, though. Yeah, they're pretty good. Okay. Let's deal with a couple of things here. Sure. First of all, Max Fun has a new podcast. It's called Minority Corner.

First of all, MaxFun has a new podcast. It's called Minority Corner. We actually all went to college with one of the hosts, Enike. It's sort of like, it's a little bit like Throwing Shade for folks who have heard Throwing Shade in format. Sort of a trip through the news and then a little deep dive on something from the past. And it's real fun. Real funny. A lot of really compelling Disney impressions on the most recent episode.

Okay. Just terrifyingly. If you've ever wanted to hear like the bad guy, the evil lion from... Scar. Lion King. Yeah, if you ever want

to hear him say something inappropriate, well, that's the show for you. Or just watch any other movie Jeremy Irons was in. Yeah, exactly. But anyway, it's a – Die Hard 3? It's such a cool – like, the show is just a blast. Like, it is really fun and, like, actually very fascinating.

Like, you can – it's something that will add to your life and your understanding of the world. So I just wanted to mention it here because we're real proud of it. Minority Corner, great show. I think Jordan might have been in

a K's RA or something. I can't remember. I probably did a great job. Yeah. You kept the condoms stocked outside the door? Oh yeah. Oh man,

there was this one guy who used to come to my door for condoms so much. Oh my God. And he was so guy who used to come to my door for condoms so much. Oh, my God. And he was so goofy. This guy was so goofy. Goofballs be fucking, man. This dude was fucking all over town.

But he was safe. The appeal of the confident goofball is an amazing thing. Would anybody come by and be like, got any magnums? That guy. Yep. Oh, got any magnums? That guy. That, yep. Oh, he had a huge dick. Yeah. You forgot that part of the story.

He was a giant dick goober. He was also fit, but in a weird way, like in the way that like a lizard man is. Yeah. What is chode backwards? Because that's what he was. Longer than he was what?

E-doc. E-doc. Dep E-Doc. Depends on how you spell Jode. That's another point of contention. Oh, sure. O-D-E or O-A-D. That's another big issue. So it's complicated.

Hey, Brian, who's been on the Read If You Like R-I-Y-L podcast recently? I have a list of upcoming guests. Can I plug this? Yes. That's fine. What do you think I'm setting you up for here, Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just slept on the couch of one of your Max Fun hosts.

That's Carrie Poppy. Carrie Poppy. She'll be on one. It's a delight. Jordan and I have both been on at some point. I mean, years ago. Sure. Starley Kine.

Starley Kine. Have you heard her podcast? It's fantastic. No. It's really terrific. Is this the mystery show? Mystery show. It's wonderful. No. It's really terrific. Is this the mystery show? Mystery show. It's wonderful.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. I like mystery show a lot. Mary Roach. Hey, that's a good one. I'm seeing Mary Roach tomorrow. Couldn't be more excited about it. The Thermals. Hey, all right.

And then a bunch of comics people. We just had Gabrielle Bell, who's terrific. There you go. G. Bell. R-I-Y-L-C-A-S-T dot tumblr dot com. Yeah. It islr.com. Yeah. It is a great show. Brian really is a wonderful, warm, and pleasant interviewer

and a lot of great people on the show. I really do recommend that program. Not as much as I recommend Minority Corner, I'm going to be clear. Sure. Like I would say, if you're making a priority list, number one, Minority Corner. Number two has got to be Serial. Sure. I don't know if you guys have heard about this show.

Yeah. But if you want to hear a white guy talk to people, it's definitely my show. Yeah, well... Okay, so first, number one is going to be to the best of our knowledge from Wisconsin Public Radio. It's going to be like the entire Earwolf Network and then me, right?

Yeah. Listen, if you get done with 80 or 90 other podcasts yeah give brian's a shot have you checked out feral audio at all a lot of good stuff all things companies got a lot of stuff on there but i mean at the end of the day let's say your ipod's broken in a real specific way it can only get the riyl podcast then i couldn't recommend it enough you're gonna want to listen to it you're gonna want to try music first. You're going to want to try music first, but if you don't have

any music on your iPod or you're morally opposed to using iTunes and you're having a hard time sideloading music... If Rhapsody isn't working... Yeah.

If Rhapsody's busted, if you can't watch Rhapsody on BET... Sure. If Big Tig's not there coming through for you... Yeah. This is a good time to listen to R.I.Y.L. Sure. Big Tigs, not that coming through for you. Yeah, this is a good time to listen to R.I.Y.L.

I mean, end of the day, let's be honest, you're watching Property Brothers. You got to watch Property Brothers. You got to watch them bros. Go watch them bros. Get them props. Get them props, bros. Still unclear as to what that show is. Don't know. Never seen it. You you're gonna plug my podcast when they come on here right we are yeah you have a podcast do you flip houses do they flip houses oh man have you seen what are they have you seen ozzy smith's new show where he does flips and houses. That's pretty good. Okay, here we go.

That's it. Jordan, Jesse, go. That's our show. Christian Duenas on the board. Brian, Sonny D. Fernandez in London, England cutting things together. Watch our social media because we got a Garaba shirt on the way. It's going to knock your socks

off. It's going to be one of these limited edition deals. Do you know about Garaba? It's what you do in an emergency. First, get help. G, get help. A, what's A? Assess the situation. R, read up on it.

A, what's A? Wait, you're reading during an emergency? Yes. So G, get help. Yeah. A. Assess the situation Wait, you're reading during an emergency? Yes. So G, get help. Yeah. A. Assess the situation. You should read before the emergency.

R, read up on it. A. Assess the situation. B. What's B? Assess the situation. Be kind to yourself. And then finally, A.

Abstinence. Yeah. So, garab. G, get help. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A, assess the situation again. B, be kind to yourself. And finally, A. Abstinence. The most important part. Yeah, so we're putting

together some t-shirts. Sonny D's on the designs. He's got the pen and pixels. We actually thought about hiring Pen and Pixel, the guys who designed all the No Limit album covers. Not Penn and Teller? Well, we thought about hiring Penn and Teller, too. But we could only get Teller on the phone, and it was real awkward. Doesn't talk. Yeah, the man doesn't talk.

We just heard the sounds of doves flapping. So ultimately, we got Criss Angel. We think he did a fucking bang-up job. He really did. You know, a lot of people complain about that guy, but he is a pro. You know he does his own eyeliner? Sure. A lot of people don't know that.

A lot of magicians, when they get all big time, when they start headlining the Luxor. Yeah. They get a guy for that. Sure. Or a team of guys even. Yeah. In the case of Jeff Dunham. Sure. Famous magician Jeff Dunham. Well, he needs one guy for himself

and one guy for his racist puppet. Sure, each racist puppet has its own racist eyeliner guy. But no, not Angel Man. He's buying the pens himself from CVS, applying it himself, going out there and entertaining America with dark magic. Yeah, a lot of people would think that he would go to Sephora, but CVS all the way for him. He's always been a drugstore man. Man of the people.

Got it. Chris Angel, man of the people. So, yeah, you've been listening to Jordan Jesse go a tribute to Chris Angel. His populist dark magic. We're on Reddit. MaximumFun.reddit.com We're on Twitter. Hashtag JJ Goh. Follow us there at Jesse Thorne

at Jordan underscore Morris at, what are you called on Twitter? BeHeater. Brian is super funny for a guy that works at TechCrunch. Yeah. We're pretty funny. We make ourselves laugh.

Brian is definitely the funniest guy who works at TechCrunch. And he's a real solid follow overall. I have a great time laughing at Brian Heater's tweets. I'd like to think with my tweets. Yeah. With. Yeah, there's that actually. I kicked like to think with my tweets. Yeah. With. Yeah, there's that actually. I kicked out of the college

improv group. So Joey Lutz could be in it. May he rest in peace. Remember him fondly. Yeah, that's fucking it. That's it. Jesus Christ, I don't need to say any more words. Nope. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan

Jessica. That's it. Jesus Christ. I don't need to say any more words. Nope. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.