Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 434: Turtle in the Spelling Bee with Bridgid Ryan

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Comedic songstress Bridgid Ryan joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Bridgid's email correspondence with Bridget Ryan, Jordan's story about his carbon monoxide detector going off early one morning, and which Bazooka Joe character names are perfect names for a pet hamster.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, friend? Doing good. You look good. Yo, thanks.

You look like you're ready for action. Yeah, I know. I'm gonna beat somebody up after this. Oh really? You're just gonna fuck up some people? Yeah. First guy I see. So as soon as we stop recording, do not be in my eyeline. Wow, shit. I'm just going to start swanging, biting.

Really? Yeah. So you fight dirty? I do. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is all directed at the testicles, too, I should say. Wow, you're going to be- The swanging and the biting. So what are you going to be?

Are you going to be like squatting real low and then swangin'? I'm going to, like, slide. Oh! I'm going to do, like, a 90s action movie, like, slide along the ground. What about, like- I was imagining more of, like, a Ted Nugent end of a guitar solo slide, like a double knee slide. No, he has that copyrighted. Oh, really?

And he doesn't- It's kind of a strange kind of copyright where it's not one where you get taken to a court, but it's one where you get shot with a crossbow. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. You know, I actually had that same problem when I tried to use the phrase bow nose. Bo Jackson shot me with one of the crossbows he uses. Yeah, we should be running afoul of these legalistic crossbow owners. I know. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, what's important is this.

Litigious, that's the word I was looking for. Yeah. At the end of the day, what's important is my new nickname is Primetime. And Deion Sanders can suck it. Yeah. He only likes catapults. Should we introduce our guest on the program? I would love to.

Popular entertainer, actress, comic, Bridget Ryan. Hello. Bridget, your microphone was so far away from you. What happened? I was laughing and I didn't know. Then in my head I thought, oh, they probably don't have my microphone on because I'll be laughing. We want you to laugh. This is supposed to be a fun show.

It's not weird just to have an unintroduced person laughing in an intro? Well, bad news, Bridget. Normally when our producer Brian is here, we don't even acknowledge his existence, and he laughs so loud that it seeps through the walls of our studio, and then people get angry at us. Bridget, would you have preferred that we also added comic songstress in your bio? Oh, God. Yeah.

I think, well, I think that's the main kind of comedy I do right now is musical, or at least I'm trying to be laser focused and do that. No, that's a good thing to laser focus on. Like you have to be an elevator pitch as a person, right? Sure. Yeah. Comic songstress. I like that.

I'm failed public radio host. Jordan? Oh, crotch biter. Sliding crotch biter. I slide, I bite the crotch. There are a lot of proper nouns in that intro

that I was having a hard time keeping up with. Bridget, I have some questions for you. Great. Look, you and Jordan are old pals. I know. I've only met you briefly once at Jordan's birthday party.

Yeah, at a long table. So let's get into this real quick. First of all, you told me that the unusual spelling of your name, which is B-R-I-D-G-I-D, is the pagan spelling. It is the pagan spelling. It is the pagan spelling. Not that would lead you to maybe assume that my parents are pagan. Is that what you thought? I just assumed, yeah, I assumed that if they weren't pagan, maybe your mom was Christian, but your dad was the devil.

You were created during an unholy moon dance. Yeah. My parents, I was born in Philadelphia and my parents. Oh, well, that's a big pagan town. It's a huge pagan town. They spelled it B-R-I-G-I-T and then lore has it a nurse came in and turned her nose up and said they're going to all call her Brigitte. And then my mom changed it to this spelling. Yeah, well, B-R-I-G-I-T is not a spelling either, is it?

There's really – I think – I guess the main spelling is B-R-I-D-G-E-T, right? Yeah. That's the way. And my spelling is just – it's red tape. Red tape? Like it just always confuses things. There's a government worker that has a close spelling of my name that gets most of my emails. Really?

Mm-hmm. Like important emails. Like emails that should be going to the president or secretary of state? Yeah. Well, there's another. There's many Bridget Ry's of different spellings and one of them is a therapist and so she receives like confidential therapy uh emails and you get some of those emails i don't get anything okay because you have the most unusual spelling i'm

the outlier so yeah so you would not accidentally get you know a a SAG contract. Yeah, for instance. Yeah. So is your concern here that the therapist is getting comic songstress related emails? She is. There's many times where I will be like, I know I have to shoot something tomorrow. I have received no information about it. Let me check with Bridget and she has it. So you guys have a Facebook group.

We've met in real life. You've met another person with your name in real life. There's another actress with my name. For anonymous sex. No, but it's not anonymous. You especially know the person's name in that sense. Do you? We have because if you're meeting up because they have your same name. Oh, okay, okay.

I just want to take this opportunity to put an open offer out to Mormon singer-songwriter Jesse Thorne. Let's fuck. Oh, hey, Seattle-based soccer man, Jordan Morris. Teen soccer man, specifically. Is he a teen? I think he's like 18.

Great. Hey, well, as long as you're legal, as long as you're tight, as long as you're shaved, no drama, 420 friendly. Uh-huh. Get on out here to LA and I'll bite your dick. Bite you right in your shaved, no drama dick. Slide right on up in there? Yeah. Do you think sports people have to shave?

Does a soccer man have to shave his business? I don't think he has to, but I think you probably want to, right? Don't you want it for shielding? From STIs. Because no one will fuck you. It's true that having pubic hair protects you from STIs. Really? I didn't know that.

What STIs does it protect you from? Well. Like fly-borne ones? I would imagine like the ones born of open sores. I don't. Because it grabs the pubic hair much like the flagella. It doesn't protect you that well because you wouldn't believe the volume of both pubic hair and open sores that I've got. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a real sticky mess. Yeah. It sounds like a disaster. It is. You wouldn't believe it. You would not believe it.

So wait. So what happened when you met the other Bridget Ryan? How did you meet the other? Did you run into each other at an airport bar? We have a near daily correspondence of her receiving my information. I presume that you both have yours is BridgetRyan at AOL.com and hers is

BridgetRyan at AOL.com? We're both Gmail. You're giving out your email address now. I said AOL.com to cover for your email address. No one will spell it right. Okay, now Gmail is spelled H-O-T-M-A-I-L. Listen, I like to think that our audience isn't filled with trolls and flamers.

Right. People who would start a flame war. Right. That's what I mean by flamers. Right. It wasn't a slur of any kind. I'm talking about people who would start a flame war right also don't dancers at bonnaroo at where bonnaroo oh yes i assume yeah that's who i'm

speaking about people who like to uh dance with fire at bonnaroo and hockey players in calgary exactly that's what i mean when i say flamers i think this is a relatively safe space to give your email out on. Yeah. So if for some reason someone out there was writing that down and wanted to just, you know, they enjoy your performance on the show and they want to email you, don't send anything nasty or threatening. Maybe just send an Amazon gift card or a link to one of those videos where a cat eats an ice cream and he gets an ice cream headache. I haven't seen any of those. That sounds good.

Those are real good. Oh, that can happen? Yeah, they like it. They like to eat ice cream, but they do not know what's happening when they get that ice cream headache. Boy, howdy. Holy fuck. They open their mouths, too, to get it out.

So they go, I'm going to make the face that a cat makes. So he's going. Oh, now he's making an open, astonished face. They don't know what's going on. Wow. I'll tell you this. Yeah. Just on this subject, just so everyone in the audience knows,

as someone who has a guest book with an email section and is a professional interviewer of famous people uh over 60 percent of famous people's email is their name at gmail.com the other 40 percent is just a holdover aol email address and we all grew up in the age of like putting it all like it's it's all, right? We all had MySpace. Well, I mean, my email address is still superfly69 at AOL.com.

Sure. Mine's bryfly99. I'm water polo chick. I legitimately had for a job once had to send professional emails and I had to professionally correspond with someone whose email was still water polo chick. Change it.

Wait, can we reveal our AIM instant messenger handles? You know what? I missed. I missed internet one. I missed like the first wave of internet shit. So I didn't AIM. I didn't chat room. You played a lot of worms over the land in our dorm situation.

Here's what I did with worms. I used the internet, my basic internet skills, to download the demo of worms. And then me and Jim Real just played the first two levels over and over again. I was not playing online with anyone. I was not even playing the full version of the game. Were you guys playing against each other across the hall? No, we would just take turns. He would sit next to me

and we would take turns. That is how remedial my internet knowledge was for, you know, the first bit of the 2000s. Wow. What were you doing with your time? We didn't even spend $14 to buy. You can go to CompUSA and buy the full version of the 2000s. Wow. What were you doing with your time? We didn't even spend 14 bucks to buy. You can go to CompUSA and buy the full version of that for 15 bucks, and we did not.

We just played the first two levels that were in the demo. Yeah, that is definitely a game that you buy at the computer store out of a round wire basket. Sure. They just got a bunch of... They got a Worms. They got the first Command & Conquer. Doom. Sure. The just got a bunch of – they got a Worms. They got like the first Command and Conquer. Doom. Sure.

The original Doom. Some sort of weird two-pack that has Doom 1 and 2 in it. Yeah. Oh, wait. So, okay. So you and Bridget were emailing with each other. We were emailing with each other. How did you first figure this situation out?

I'd have to look back. But it was just like hey i got this email it looks like it's important and it was probably like for like an improv team meetup or something like that but she's very important yeah you don't want to i mean from a national security perspective um were you running these on a private server? Topical humor. Yeah. She's like high up in the government. Not to even more ask people to try to contact me via email, but... Wait, the government one or the...

Which one did you meet? The therapist or the government one? The government one is my girl. Okay. Bridge. Would you say that she's your ride or die bitch? I would say so. I would say we're bitches for life okay great l y f e oh of course pagan spelling um and i think it was just like we we really do have a like we're always corresponding and it's

always like embarrassing things well not embarrassing, but just like intimate fights via my all women's basketball team or things that I'm like, like, you know, once you're in one reply all email about basketball, forget it. Yeah. Forget ever. It's over. Not having notifications. So under what circumstances did you guys meet?

Not having notifications. So under what circumstances did you guys meet? She was in New York City having a champagne brunch with her sister and her boyfriend that she met in an airport. And we met up. And a Bennigan's. Jessie, please. She leaves too. Thank you.

That's where you meet all the quality gentlemen. The Chevy's Express. Bennigan's too. And we just met up and it was very much, she just reminded me of a cousin pretty much. And she was great. You mean like sexually? Definitely. Yeah.

She was fun. She was really, she is really fun. I like having access to power and I felt like she had power because she works for the government. Do you guys ever think about maybe doing a little – Podcast. Yes, a podcast. I was going to suggest maybe like a summer long Freaky Friday thing. Yeah. Where you go to work for the government.

Oh my god. She comes out here and does – And auditions for bank commercials. She has invited me to Istanbul and where else was she? Dakar? Dakar. Dakar. Yeah.

Home of NPR's Ophelia Quist-Arton. It's pronounced Drakar Noir. I think Ophelia pronounces it Dakar. Yeah. Oh, boy. She's got some pronunciation, don't she? Yeah, she sure does. Good for her.

Yeah, absolutely. It sounds like it would be something on this, like all things, not all things considered, this American life. Yeah. But no one got murdered. But with no payoff.

Yeah, exactly. They were just nice and you liked them. Yeah, yeah. This week on This American Life, people who seem like your cousin. Starley Klein meets the other starly klein

and they have nothing to talk about oh people who seem like your cousin sounds like a shins song yeah our new genre is indifferent pop sure song just stops let's be, they're old genre too. I know, right? Oh, the shins. Guys, I want to ask you guys a little something. How you beating the heat? It's 78 degrees right now. Today is very nice. We were coming

off a brief period of hell. I went for a walk today. I could not have been a bigger failure in going for this walk. I put on sunscreen. I only walked to the Goodwill. I was like, I'm going to take a little break. You're pretty thoroughly covered.

Are you in a different set of clothes? But this is a tropical weight shirt. This is a tropical shirt, Jordan. You got it for the rainforest. The heat was not beat by me. But I'm just saying you're covered, so you don't have to be super thorough with that sunscreen. Yeah, but Jordan, you-

I'm wrong about what the problem was. Okay. You've got that gorgeous mop of hair. Sure. I'm a bald. When you become a bald like me, you'll understand the importance of head sunscreen. Jesse, I will, I'll let you in on a little secret. Yeah.

Underneath this gorgeous mop, so many syphilis sores. People will tell you that the hair guards from STIs. It is not true. So you're saying that volcano on the billboard wasn't lying. No. Yes. That volcano STD billboard that sometimes looks like a Scientology billboard was wrong. My head is a puss garden.

I saw an ad today that said, America, grow up. Use a condom. Fair enough. Grow up. Grow up. Grow the fuck up. Was it one of those values pass it on billboards?

What is a dad? Those nebulous signs. It just has a picture of an astronaut it says has three children intended to have three children used condoms values passed on you know those those be a dad billboards are pretty baffling because some of them will have american heroes uh-huh astronauts right uh you know maybe some guy who ran in the olympics sure somebody who might also appear on a library read billboard yeah exactly that that that type of celebrity whoopi goldberg yeah whoopi goldberg caught reading but some will just have minions on them like first of all i i don't know

much about you know minion lore right but i don't know that they're particularly good fathers do they even fuck i don't that's a great question that is a great have we seen them fucking the minions first i mean i have seen fan art of them fucking yeah no doubt about that i mean we've seen a really given it to sonic the hedgehog oh man oh yeah i think sonic the hedgehog probably has the distinction of in the fan art, having it given to him by the most characters from other fictional universes. Yeah. By the way, we were recording this on Sonic the Hedgehog's birthday. Happy birthday, Sonic.

Oh, hey. And happy birthday to Sonic Drive-Ins. Yeah. I assume they were born on the same day. Yeah. I assume they were born on the same day. Anyway, happy birthday, Sonic. May you get railed by the princess from Frozen, who for some reason has two dicks in this guy's mind. Wow, double dicking, huh? Oh, the old double dick Elsa.

Hashtag give Elsa a girlfriend. Yeah, right, after she's done with Sonic. Anyway, here's what I'm doing to beat the heat. Yeah, Jordan, what are'm doing to beat the heat Yeah Jordan what are you doing to beat the heat Can I guess You got some ice cubes in your underoos Nah dude I can't afford that Sneaking into the Roosevelt

I should probably sneak into the Roosevelt I'm staying here And then I just lay down in the lobby I got one of these portable air conditionings I have not had air conditioning in my house. I got one of these portable air conditionings. I have not had air conditioning in my house since I've lived there. Yeah.

But it was literally, when you say we just got out of a period of hell, it was 110 degrees. Yeah, I think like the hottest day since like the 70s.

Yeah. The hottest day since like the summer of Sam. Yeah. How many did you kill? Countless. I killed literally as many as that dog told me to.

I lost count at some point. It was a fugue state. It's hard to say. Yeah. So I got, and you know, I've got these cute windows that open weird. So it's hard to mount something there. Right. So I've just been a turn multiple fans on me while I sleep guy.

Right. How many? I have had up to three fans on me at once, plugged into different outlets. Are you at all concerned about Korean fan death? No. Is that a thing? Yeah. Koreans believe that if there's air moving over you, I mean, not all Koreans, but Koreans

taken as a whole, believe that air moving over you while you sleep can steal your life. Wind water energy. That's what feng shui means. There you go. So you can die from proper feng shui? Take it from the woman with the pagan spelling. Yeah. And the crystal necklace.

Oh, man. Yeah, that's true. It's new. It's very nice. I like your crystal necklace a lot. That was the next thing I wanted to get into, but I want to talk about your bed death here. So I decided to not you know

instead of making this fan vortex which looks very weird if you were to see it and is inconvenient especially when you're wearing a skirt yeah exactly well then it looks a little saucy am i wearing knickers not enderus can't afford them um Oh I thought you couldn't afford the ice cubes Nah dude I got ice cube money You just wear generic underpants Not brand name underoos Yes that fella underpants Do you ever put ice packs on your body

No I should I did that when I lived in Jersey City My kids have these things that My wife Teresa's co-host biz From one bad mother made for them Called boo boo bunnies. Yes. And they're little bunny rabbit shaped pillows filled with buckwheat or rice or something like that.

Some kind of grain. You put them in the freezer. They're cold. And then you can give them to kids when they get a boo-boo. And they have something to do and it's a little soothing. Anyway, I'll take the boo-boo bunnies and I'll kind of stack them on top of my head and walk around with boo-boo bunnies on top of my head. That seems like that's a fun look.

It's like a fun summer look. It's like a dinosaur's sail. Oh, like a Dimetrodon. Exactly. Or like a desert rabbit's giant ears. I radiate most of my heat through my bald scalp. So I got this portable air conned. Where'd you get this?

Amazon. You get this online? Amazon. Smart. You know, our colleague Stacy ordered one of these things from Amazon to arrive on like Monday, and then it got like rerouted and has not appeared even now. Oh boy, so she had to so she's probably timing it to get there

during Hell Day. Yeah, and then she just got fucked by Amazon or UPS or something. She should be pissed if Transparent wasn't so good. She could cool herself off with some high quality programming. Yeah.

I watched that one about the country club with Paul Reiser. I thought that was pretty funny. What's that one? I don't remember what it's called. It's got Paul Reiser and Richard Kind. Oh, yeah. The Wedding. It's a show. Oh, a different show.

I want to say it's called Red Hills. Oh, I thought you meant an episode of Transparent. I'm like, there's one where they go to a country club with Paul Reiser? Wow, that sounds like a fucking amazing episode of Transparent. Oakwood? Red Oaks? Red Oaks, yep. Red Oaks.

I watched one. I enjoyed it. Anyway, so I got this air conned through Amazon. It's got a tube that attaches to a plastic piece and you put it in your window. So I was able to kind of wedge it up against my screen and then slam the window on the plastic

piece so it stays there. So it's anchored in there pretty good. Now I don't understand what kind of window do you have do you have like a swinging window it's like a yeah it's a swinging window that maybe like a southern bell would throw open okay right french so how come when you close it it doesn't crush the the air pipe yeah it's like it's like it's the air pipes in the middle so they're like closed around it so there's a there's pipe's in the middle. So they're closed around it. So there's a space in the window. So the room is not airtight. Which I think is probably affecting my coolness.

Got it. But this thing's fucking great. Super cool, super loud. So no one can hear my grunting. Bridget, when it gets hot, Jordan grunts a lot. Oh, okay. I just do a little pre-sleep grunting. so this but so it's been rigid when it gets hot Jordan grunts a lot oh okay I just do a little pre-sleep grunting

yeah also when pornography is on his computer Jordan grunts a lot I don't some people say you're supposed to touch yourself

in a certain way while you're watching it I just like to grunt at the screen that's called a sonic orgasm happy birthday sonic

yeah it really fucks up bats yeah It's called a sonic orgasm. Happy birthday, Sonic. Yeah. It really fucks up bats. Yeah. While I'm watching porn and grunting, bats are flying into the window. Yeah. The more bats splat against the window, the harder I blast. That's also how Daredevil performs cunniling.

He just shouts at his girlfriend's vagina. And then bats hit it. He's blind. Good for him. You know what? Good for him making it work. At the crystal store, they told me that bats are a symbol of transformation.

Oh. I didn't know that. Because they go into cocoon state. They turn into vampires, duh. Oh. I had read that they were a symbol of flying mice. Is that what they are? Roughly. Yeah.

You know, if we're talking genus. Yeah. Which we are. One time I woke up and there was a bat in my room oh my gosh was this here was this in new york this childhood okay philadelphia this is a philly bat philly bat yeah classic what we call cigarettes so philly bat has cheese whiz mushrooms Mushrooms Systemic bigotry Yeah right sure sure And Bill Cosby's Mansion As shoes Okay so I'm Getting cooled off by this thing

Right did you just put the Out hose right by your bed Or something like that Or are you cooling the whole room It's an out what would would it be, like vent? So the out hose is going out the window. Right, the cool air vent. Yeah, it's just pointed at me.

It's just pointed at you, right. It's watching over me like a mother. So the inefficiency is less important because it's coming right at you. Yeah, I'm just blasting myself while I sleep. And I don't have this on all day. This is just purely so I don't have to hot sleep, which is my least favorite thing in the world. Oh, it's awful.

It's the worst. Hate to hot sleep. Yeah. We're Californians through and through. I have't have to hot sleep, which is my least favorite thing in the world. Oh, it's awful. It's the worst. Hate to hot sleep. Yeah. We're Californians through and through. Sure. I have no tolerance for hot sleeping. We can't hot sleep. No.

What state does tolerate hot? Like Arizona? Well, there's much of the United States. It's hot at night during the summer. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't believe that when I was a kid and I went somewhere else where it's hot at night.

Yeah. I was like, ugh. Nice for watching ball games, though. Sure. Maybe having a little stroll and listening to the locusts. Catching a firefly. Yeah, sure. You know what?

Hot nights are great. Yeah. That's a pretty good Michelle and Deggy Ocello song. It's a pretty good roll at the sushi place I go to. Hot nights are great. Yeah. It's got that eel sauce on it um so so the first the first night goes great i go to sleep and i don't i don't know if this is related i related the two things in my mind because they happen so close to each other

but around six in the morning my uh carbon monoxide detector starts going off. And I have never heard this thing before. Like, it's in my hallway. Can I ask you a question? Please. Is your air conditioner powered by a portable diesel generator? Yes, it is. You're running inside your bedroom.

I got this from a fat bearded man who has a reality show. It's called... Richard Hatch. Yes, it's Richard Hatch from the first season of Survivor. He makes shit in his garage. He's a colorful character. He's got a whole big old family. I just imagined the guy from Home Improvement.

Oh, yeah, his friend who he was mean to. Yeah, I presume he's had a few reality shows by this point, right? What's that guy's name? He also hosted The Family Feud. Richard Cairn? That sounds familiar. Wilson. Richard.

Not Wilson. Wilson. Al. Al Borland was the character's name. I don't know the name of the actor. Yeah, if only we had a producer. Yeah, that would be nice. Richard Karn. Richard Karn. That's not that the actor. Yeah. If only we had a producer. Yeah. That would be nice. Richard Karn.

Richard Karn. That's not that far off. Yeah. We're talking Karn. We're talking kind. Yeah. All the Richards. Sure.

Hatch. We talked Hatch. We did. Oh, well. All those sweet, sweet dicks. Yeah. Hatch. Karn.

Kind. Yeah. So my carbon monoxide, it's just, and it's going beep, beep, beep, beep. And you're sure it wasn't your cat bug. No. Yeah, yeah. Learning her new sonic orgasm technique. Is it the same urgency, the alarm that like a fire alarm gives?

It is. Yeah. It's very similar. But it is supes loud. Yeah. And I – so I – my first thought is am i suffocating i have like all the windows open in the house just so the aforementioned cat does not die yeah so i i assess the situation yeah i'm did you get help yeah i got help i assess the situation

uh so i'm like okay and this is in the first you know 30 seconds of this happening I'm like okay I think I'm fine I don't think I'm suffocating now what the fuck do I do about this noise I have

my neighbors are lovely people yeah I have a building full of fucking lovely people yeah who have been nothing

but great neighbors and this is like a first for you what you had those nightmare neighbors before. Yes, I've had some very weird neighbors. You had a hoarder neighbor. I had a strange hoarder.

You had some terrifying yard sale neighbors. Yeah, right. Some neighbors who may have been running a flop house. Yeah. What's a flop house? It's a popular podcast. They sort of watch a bad movie an ill-conceived movie and then they make fun of it i think in this case i mean a place where

uh heroin addicts can sleep on the floor oh yeah uh there was yeah there i had a weird neighbor once where i every time i would like look into their apartment while i was walking by there were a lot of like mattresses on the floor uh and they did not seem like like they were doing it for swinging reasons they seemed like they were doing it for junkie reasons was my estimation not for giant family reasons no yeah yeah yeah i mean maybe they like consider these people their family because it's who they shoot up with but i don't think they were related uh so yeah this was a that is a really special that is That is, yeah, right. The people you K-hole with, you stay with forever.

So yeah, these neighbors are just, they're all fucking great. They're nice. They ride their bikes, but they put them in a polite place so you're not bumping into them when you're coming in the building. If you get an Amazon package, they bring it in for you. Wow. Sometimes they'll put it on your goddamn doorstep. But my upstairs neighbor has been frustrated with me on two occasions because of noise. One was very recent because I got, this was a lovely birthday gift, by the way.

I got one of those Amazon Echo tubes. You familiar with these? Yeah, this is a machine that you talk to and gives you the answers to math problems. You can tell it to tell you a joke. I use that as an alarm. I tell it, I say, oh, maybe this will set off people's echoes. Okay, put the podcast thing by the echoes. Let me see if this actually works.

So you go, Alexa, wake me up at 9 a.m. And then it'll wake you up at 9 a.m. with a nice tone or Alec Baldwin's voice. But you just set everyone's things to wake them up. You didn't. Alexa, turn on music loud. Yeah. Alexa, Lou Reed. Alexa, play metal machine music.

Alexa, slayers reign in blood in its entirety. Do not stop even if someone else tells you to. Alexa, I am your master now. Alexa, conjureers reign in blood in its entirety. Do not stop even if someone else tells you to. Alexa, I am your master now. Alexa, conjure all the bats. Alexa, photograph credit cards. Front and back. Self-destruct now. But I love this goddamn thing.

This thing's great. Okay. You can tell it to, you know, I like to lay in bed and maybe listen to a little radio, listen to a little Morning Edition while I'm getting up. That's the one. That's Weekend Edition. Sorry. That's okay.

Is that Morning Edition? No, that's Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed. So he, this, but I guess this thing's got some bass. Yeah. And I guess I was NPRing too loud in the morning. You're all about that bass. Yeah, well, I mean, apparently I needed to add a little bit of treble, which I usually forego. Right.

Alexa. Yeah. Play all about that bass. Yeah. You're mistaken, Jesse. I'm about giant asses. Oh, God. You misheard me.

Okay. I just assumed that giant ass was a metaphor for deep music notes. No. Yeah. It's a big butt. Got it. Big old butt. So he was very nice about it.

In person? Yeah, in person. Good guy. Came down, gave a knock. But a few months ago, he left a note on my door that said, please stop having sex so loud. Not so many words. He was very nice about it. But yeah.

In less words than that? Oh, no. Sorry. In less words than that? Oh, no. Sorry. In more words than that. It didn't just say. It was a nice note. I would have saved that. From a neighbor.

Uh-huh. He's a good dude, but I can tell he's frustrated with me. Oh. Because he's not getting as much of that bass. Yeah. He sounds single. Yeah. Is he single?

I don't know. I don't know what this guy's deal is. I do not hear him fucking. Mm-hmm. I do hear him using some kind of ab roller. Oh, I think I've talked about this. So you know he's fucking. Yeah, I mean, he's a good looking fella.

Yeah. So if he's not getting it from the gender of his preference, they're doing something wrong. He has personality issues. Yeah, yeah, sure. He's probably a real handful. Bad personality. So I'm just so, I've assessed the situation.

I know I'm not going to die. Yeah. And now I'm just worried about this neighbor. I'm just worried, like, this fucking dude, like, already hates me. He's super frustrated with me. This is the last straw.

This, you know, loud beeping. And you're not even getting laid in this instance. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm grunting. Right. So it's going, pew, pew, pew. So this, I've not looked at this thing. Like, I know it's there, but I have not inspected it.

Like, I've never had to deal with this before in my life. Is this inside your house? This is in my like hallway got it yeah so i have your apartment or of my hallway of your yeah yeah of my like yeah um unit uh and it's like you know down by your feet so i like lay down and look at this thing as it's buzzing and it's got one giant button in the center of it like it has no other markings. Like no other switches, no information. It's just this white box with one button that's making this awful sound. And it's built into the wall? It's not the kind of plugs?

It's plugged in. Okay. So my first thing, unplug it. Unplug this thing. And it goes from going pew, pew, pew to pew. It just gets fucking worse. And it's unplugged and I don't know what to do. And I'm holding down this button.

I'm rapidly tapping this button. I'm doing everything you can to this one button. And it's just going, it's like six in the morning at this point. So I take it to the couch and I smother it with pillows. Munchausen syndrome. Yeah. So I've muff it with pillows. Of course. Munchausen syndrome. Yeah. Proxy. So I've muffled the tone and I'm like,

okay, well I'll just wait this out. So I, I'm, I'm smothering this, this, uh, you know,

this thing that's still making this noise. Is it alive or is it a machine? I don't know. It is. It is telling me about its kids at this point. Got it. Who sound like little assholes, by the way. Yeah. Absentee dad, for one thing.

I just turned on CBS This Morning and smothered this thing and I'm like, I'm just going to wait it out. I'm just going to watch CBS This Morning. Oh, you're going to watch Mo Rocca and you're going to like it. Oh, that's CBS Weekend. Oh. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, yeah, that's CBS Weekend. Oh. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it.

You're going to get drunk in the morning with Charlie Rose. That's the one. Got it. But this thing isn't turning off, and I'm like, shit, I have to go to work at some point, so I have to figure this shit out. Do you think about Googling? Phone not near me. Do you think about bringing it to work with you?

Yes. But you know what? That's what I should have done. If I had my head about me, I should have looked at the brand of this thing and Googled how to turn this off. This was the solution. But not at 6 o'clock in the morning. At 6 o'clock in the morning, the solution is to freak out and put it into your couch. Yeah.

And sit on it. So I reach under and I'm like okay I can like surgery this thing like I can feel around but also not let it out of the pillow so it keeps making this noise uh-huh I feel a little like door where the battery is but it's got one of those tiny screws so I'm like I need it what I need an eyeglass screwdriver to turn this thing off. So... I'm like, shit, I gotta go to work. Like, I have to go to work. So you just knock

on a neighbor's door. When they open the door, you just throw it at them and bolt. So here's what I did. I clutched it to my chest with the two couch pillows. I ran outside and I threw it in a neighbor's garbage can and I went to work. Wait, pillows?

Sam's pillows? No, I brought their pillows back inside. Okay. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, well that's a pretty good solution. And I'm like, hey, when these people wake up and hear a buzzing in their garbage can, it's going to be terrifying. I thought I was going to maybe come home to the SWAT team in the neighborhood or something.

Let's be honest. They deserve it. Yeah, you're right. How dare they? Yeah. They got that nice kid. So I was drawing chalk on the sidewalk. Come on. Did you check the garbage can when you got back from work?

I did not. Of course not. I didn't want to be seen lurking in the garbage after I had- You didn't want to return to the scene of the crime? No. Like a firebug checking out the arson? Yeah. So anyway, that happened.

I don't have a carbon monoxide detector in the house. That's illegal. Yeah, I know. I'm telling my government friend. No, don't! Don't tell Bridget Ryan! Bridget Ryan! No!

I mean, here's my recommendation to you, as long as you don't have that in your house. Could be dangerous, so don't eat any beans. Oh, yeah. I might not know how air chemicals work. Yeah. That seems like a reasonable explanation.

So, really, you might be being poisoned? Carbon monoxide? I don't think I am. Well, of course you don't. I'm not acting like you do, but you might be. That's true. I might be. You seem dumber this week. There's not actually a heat wave. Anyway, me want food.

Me like food. Give me now. Num, num, num. Do you guys have any toys I can chew on? Yeah. Why is the moon on fire? What are you guys doing to beat the heat you're putting bunnies on your head i got those i got those bun buns on my head and uh the main situation is that you literally

cannot leave the house so my brother my brother brendan came to visit from chicago i haven't seen brendan in two years well something like that and so I'm so happy that he came to visit. And like, when you have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, the number of activities available to you when the temperature is over 90 degrees shrinks

to essentially zero. It just, like, you could just look at a thermometer and it would go, like, 75, 80, 85, fucked. Because there's nowhere to go. Like you know how they have, you know what indoor playground is? Germ warfare? Yeah, but like one of these, you know, like a Jimbo Ree or something, you know, they got.

My gym. So those are always closed on weekends because of birthday parties, because all children have these expensive ass fucking theme birthday parties in special places. Now, I don't think I ever had a single birthday party before I was 13 or 14. That wasn't at the park. Right. No potlucks at the park. That was the only genre of birthday party I had.

So every one of those indoor, you think you could go to those indoor playgrounds. You can't do that. Close for private event. If you try and go to the Children's Museum when it's 95 degrees outside, it is like, it is a full onon you could crowd surf hmm like you could seriously just jump off one of those interactive exhibits and crowd surf on the arm the extended arms of seven year olds so you are so out of luck so uh we went turn on the hose we went to Turn on the hose. We went to see, uh- The drought, Jordan. Oh, yeah. No, you're right.

That's not very drought-minded. I'm sorry. We went to see, uh, Finding Nemo 2. Mm-hmm. Which was fine. Mm-hmm. I got no complaints. Okay.

Few compliments. Oh, there is a real, uh, there's a dumb seal in it that's pretty good. Hmm. Oh, I heard that that dumb seal, I just read a think piece about that dumb seal. Really? What did it say? It said that it taught children to laugh at the less smart. good oh i heard that that dumb seal i just read a think piece about that dumb seal really what did it say that it taught children to laugh at the less smart uh no it teaches children to laugh at something that's funny no jesse this is like the first thing that's actually funny that's ever

been in a children's movie character dumb characters have no place in comedy. Okay, got it. Listen, I for most of my life thought that laughing at dumb characters was fun. Well, I knew this. Turns out it's not because dumbs are people too. I always knew this. Why do you insist on dumb things?

Comedy should focus on one nice, comfortable, medium level of status. Sure. As long as everyone's at the same level, that's where comedy comes from. I think so, too. That's the Bernie Sanders rule. Thank you, slash film think piece. No more dumb characters in comedies.

But there used to be more places for dumb people in society, though, right? Like, just work a day, labor. Like, you didn't have to always use your mind. Yeah, like there was a lot more opportunities to dig ditches professionally. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point. Now all that's getting outsourced. Yeah. If you're not dumb and you're

not genial, you're out of luck. Oh boy. Right to the curb. Those are the people who are voting for Donald Trump. Sure. They're left out of the modern economy because they're dumb and mean. And they're chefs. Wait, what, they're chefs? Chefs are always dumb and mean.

I'm sorry. I didn't know that about chefs. No, that's horrible of me to say. I've just— You've had a few bad experiences. I've been—yeah. I've had my feelings hurt. One time your steak was overcooked.

That's what you're saying. I think—well, my parents own a restaurant, so I've had, run in with my fair share of chefs, and they've all been pretty mean. And? And then we had champagne. It was fine. That sounds like fun. Cool. Yeah, that

seal is funny. I bet that seal is funny. I had not seen the movie, but was mad at that think piece. Is that where we are? You can't laugh at dumbs? I can't tell you to go see, to run had not seen the movie, but was mad at that thing piece. Yeah. Is that where we are? I can't. You can't laugh at dumbs? I can't tell you to go see the, to run out and see the movie. It's what I would call inessential.

But I'm not saying it's bad. It's just like, if you're a grownup, you don't need to go see it. It's not like WALL-E or something. It's on my list right after the third Purge movie. After I knock out that. So, I mean, I was happy to get out. You know what I mean? But that was it.

That was our whole fucking weekend. It was fucked. Watching Finding Nemo 2 over and over again. Because there's nothing else you can do with children. You are so out of luck. And my poor brother, like, we didn't get to go do any, like, Los Angeles- type things because it was too hot.

That's how I've been beating the heat. That and shorts. I usually wear shorts when it's hot. I'm wearing pants today, but usually I wear shorts. Bridget, beating the heat? You know, I'm dog sitting this week for my friends in their beautiful

Central Air Craftsman home. Shit, dude. It's a craftsman and it's got central home? Wait, it's a craftsman home and it has central air? Yeah. So you have both overhanging eaves to protect you naturally from the sun's harsh rays. Yeah.

And central air conditioning? Yes. Which I have lingering down there at 69 degrees. I got a list. That is the temp. I know. I mean, A, funny. When you look at the thermostat and it says 69, you're like, hell yeah, bro. B, likely to crash California's electrical grid.

Yes, exactly. Oh, I forgot. You're supposed to set it to 78. You are? Or above. I'm not a homeowner. I don't care about my community. Yes, when there's flex alert, you have to set it to 78 or above.

No, I didn't know there was a flex alert. Of course there is. It was 110 degrees. How do we know when there's a flex alert? You're still dropping the temperature by 30 degrees using only electricity. Oh, yeah. It's okay. It's their fault.

They're the ones that the electricity police are going to come for. Does that happen? No. It's like when you don't go to jury duty. Yeah. Nothing happens. Yeah. I mean, they're bad citizens because you're a bad citizen.

So you're just blasting the air in this house where you don't got to pay the electrical bill. That's nice. Yeah, it is nice. It's really nice. And it's in Larchmont, right by Cafe Gratitude. Oh, so anytime you need affirmation, you can just go order a salad. Yeah. Although there's something on the menu that I ordered that's not even a word. It's K-A-N-S-H-A. Wait, Bridget, do you want to explain Cafe Gratitude? It's a popular punchline.

For people who haven't heard podcasts before. Yeah, yeah. What's the Grove and what's Cafe Gratitude? I love that I am the arbiter of what Cafe Gratitude is. It's a cult. Who better than someone who's been to the Crystal store recently?

Yeah, can you tell us this is a new crystal? It looks nice. It's giving you, I don't know that it's new, but it's giving you the confidence and poise of someone who has

a new piece of clothing on. It's really focusing your energy like a musical comedy performing laser. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Cafe Gratitude World is actually a cult. It is associated with the Landmark Forum. Wait, are you guys associated with the landmark forum are you wait

are you guys associated with the landmark I went to a landmark forum once no I went to it I've had it briefly explained to me a girl

a cute girl in high school invited me to it and I was terrified you went yeah yes of course I did I was in high school a cute girl invited me

what was I supposed to say no was she like I was a boy a straight boy in high school that a cute girl invited to a thing. You went? Okay. Yes. Did you guys ever end up-

No. No. She was too focused on her goals, thanks to the Landmark Forum. You didn't have enough thetans. I know it's not Scientology. Yeah. Well, I'm fascinated with cults already. So I love knowing that most of the people in upper management at Cafe Gratitude have been asked the question like, what are you doing over there that it's better there?

Or if you – yeah, look up on the internet. Anyway, what am I – it's a restaurant. You go. You order something by saying like, I'll have the grateful bowl. And then they deliver it and they're like, you are grateful. So they tell you something about yourself based on the order. Yeah. And sometimes it's like the beautiful smoothie.

Yes. Yeah. And then they say you're beautiful or whatever. They give you an affirmation. Yes. I am cherished. Yeah. Needless to say, it's Yeah. Needless to say,

it's vegan. Needless to say. Have you heard the controversy about this restaurant recently? Yeah. No. The beef? Yeah, there's big beef at everything. There's big trouble in Cafe Gratitude. Oh my gosh. Tell me about this hot take. Bridget, you know about it, right? I know all about it. It has to do with the farm

upstate. Yeah. So the founders of Cafe Gratitude have recently gotten into sustainable farming themselves. And they've moved a little higher up on the food chain as part of the process, which is to say that they have been raising animals to eat them. And not, I wouldn't say the vegan community, but the wingnut vegan community. Sure. Who are among the core audiences for Cafe Gratitude, a restaurant where they tell you that you're doing a good job when you pay them for a lunch, are flipping the fuck out on these people.

Vegan death threats. Yeah. This was front page news in San Francisco, needless to say. Jeez Louise. Well, Cafe Gratitude was kicked out of San Francisco for having cult-like practices. Interesting. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So there's no meat at Cafe Gratitude, but the people who run it are in the meat business now. They're not even in the meat business now. They're not even in the meat business. Oh, just themselves. They're just eating it. They're raising animals to eat themselves. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. They did mention it on their blog. Oh, okay. How did they mention it? Like we're raising animals and then eating them. Roughly. I mean, they probably were a little more florid than that.

Facebook live stream of them bludgeoning a cow with a croquette mallet yeah well here's the thing about cafe gratitude listen I'm not a vegan but I'll croquette mallet's a classy way to go oh yeah absolutely I like to try a new restaurant went to cafe gratitude

I'm like okay well alright okay have you been to Gracias Madre their upscale one went to Cafe Gratitude. I'm like, okay, well, all right. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Have you been to Gracias Madre, their upscale one? Gracias Madre is real good. Anyway, but fucking Cafe Gratitude. The food was great.

The food was genuinely delicious. That is the rub of that ridiculous place. Well, that's what they say about the source family, too. Yeah. The source family at their famous green dressing. Oh, my God. Yeah. the Source family, too. Yeah. The Source family had that famous green dressing. Oh, my God. Yeah. I would have lived there.

Yeah. I would have eaten there a lot. Yeah. That's the privilege of living in Los Angeles. You don't have to join the cult to get the cult. To eat their salad dressing. Yeah. Like, Om's Scientology? You know,

you had to join Aum Shinrikyo to get those Nikes. You know what I mean? Sure. What's Scientology giving us that we can kind of casually enjoy but not join their

movies, brunch? Nautical chic? Yeah, sure. Just wearing a sailor's outfit around. Yeah. Historic building preservation? Yeah. Okay. I'll enjoy all of that. Painting things blue? Sure. Historic building preservation

Yeah Okay I'll enjoy all of that Painting things blue Sure Have you guys gone on a tour of Scientology? No Oh boy

How'd that go? It was not I like I used my middle name And then like The pagan spelling of your middle name? Pagan spelling, yeah Catherine with three Y's Just in a row and then like lied to them the pagan spelling of your middle name pagan spelling yeah

Catherine with three Y's just in a row yeah um uh and they they followed up

I gave them my real address and they followed up they said that they would send you three pieces of information and then your information would be shredded

but no they're still sending me stuff you're still getting little doodads? Yeah, getting a lot. Wait, shredded? That's what made me believe them, is that they use the word shredded. Like there's a guy in the office who's flipping through application cards and handwriting notes.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So they have not shredded your information. My information has not been shredded. How was the salad dressing? They didn't get it. I had gotten drunk across the street at that sushi place. Okay. And my friend and I were like looking at it.

We were like, we should. The C-org was starting to sound real good. I really think, I really am grateful for having been raised Catholic because I think I would be in a cult. I think I really would be. Really? If I hadn't. Yeah. If it weren't for your Catholicism?

Mm-hmm. Like, fool me once, shame on Jesus. Fool me twice. Fool me once, shame on Jesus. Fool me twice, shame on L. Ron Hubbard. Fool me thrice, shame on Landmark. That's a famous forum. I hear all the girls are pretty cute there.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Bits. And I'm Teresa. And we host the podcast One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Parenthood. It turns out it is very difficult, but we all get up every day and do it again. It's like the sign says, if you're going through hell, keep going. So join us each week as we strive for less judging and more laughing.

Find us on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts when your children aren't around. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bridget Ryan, pagan spelling bee champion. The answer is Y-Y-Y, Y-Y-Y. I think the answer is however you want to spell it. Yeah.

Why do we have to be so rigorous about how it is in the dictionary? Written by an old white man. Thank you. Thank you, Jordan. One of the good ones. Thank you. I'm a real ally. Huh?

How would a turtle spell it? Glug glug. Time to go in my shell. That's how he spells everything. He's a swimming turtle. I want to make two uh quick new york area related announcements first of all uh there's a max fun nyc fan group this is not an official max fun activity or event i want to make that clear but But they have been doing amazing stuff. They have this huge Facebook group, and they have regular get-togethers and events.

And a lot of folks were like, oh, I'm not on Facebook. I want to be part of this. So they made maxfun.nyc. So you can go to maxfun.nyc, see where their events are if you live in New York and you want to meet other Max Funsters. Among the upcoming events, housewarming at Hinterlands. You know about Hinterlands, right?

Oh, sure. The aforementioned Flophouse. It's the bar owned by Stewart. Yeah, and it's just opened in Brooklyn.

That's on the 16th and they're going to do cat-themed karaoke called Cat-i-oke on the 30th. So, maxfun.nyc if you want to learn about that

and of course cat steven songs yeah exactly um and uh max fun con east coming up labor day weekend um in addition to me and jordan uh the mackleroy's are going to be there and when i say the mackleroy's are going to be there jordan i think i'm McElroys are going to be there, Jordan, I think I'm talking about literally every McElroy. The extended universe. I think they took... I think basically the situation is somebody got like... like typed McElroy into Facebook

and sent a group invite. Oh, sure. So you could get the McElroy who works for the government. Yeah. That nice boyfriend she met at Chili's. Yeah. Every McElroy is going to be there. invite oh sure so that you could get the mackleroy who works for the government yeah that nice boyfriend she met at chili's yeah every mackleroy is going to be there we've got uh amazing stand-up comics booked on the show uh uh it's going to be a real hoot and a half i'll tell you that right

now okay in the poconos labor day weekend uh and tickets are on sale right now at maxfuncon.com can i say one other thing? Please. Okay. So I was at the thrift store in Las Feliz. You know how I do. Sure. Today on your walk? No, that was a thrift store that's sort of in between Westlake and downtown.

Got it. Do you remember when you were seeing all those pictures of all those flyers about the birds. What was the guy called? Oh, yeah. The CIA was taking his birds. Have you seen these around town? It's this paranoid man who hangs up flyers accusing the city of killing his pet pigeons. Anyways, these are all over the place. They are very crazy.

They tell you to go to YouTube.com to learn more. Yeah, so anyway, popular local weirdo. Did you run afoul of this guy? No, but I found a new flyer that said, do not go to

Burbank if you have a madness. Okay. That's great. Is there any other information? Well, it's got this picture of a god looking angrily down on a man. Can you tell what kind of god this is? Is this a Norse god? It's a vengeful traditional god.

Okay. Like a standard Judeo-Christian god. It's a Norse god. This is a vengeful traditional god. Okay. Like a standard Judeo-Christian god. This is a very standard guy. So it says here, I got to Burbank, and since I having mind madness, Burbank sending a five police and richy rich person to catch me. person to catch me very red-faced rich man talked all of the cloth off clothes off me and wore my clothes the cop making me sit on the ground behind a restaurant and the red face bossing all the cops and he forced me to smoke and he put a needle in me, went a five police open hole. When we got to park and put me in the hole for Barry, I not see a hidden deformation bush until too late,

but he seen all like God who is always spy on you. I gots out by find hidden pipe. Wow. Wow. That's only one part of this message. Are there additional flyers? Well, there's a picture of E.T. here, and it says, when I gots Barry in house,

seemed one E.T., but it's only toy. Okay. I mean, yeah, I don't think this is the same guy who thought the city was killing his pigeons. Rick Martino. There's a banana in pajamas here.

Is this an art project? It might be. This might be some like, you know, a phone poll zine. Or like an ad for Tom's. Yeah, this could be a phone pole zine. Or like an ad for Tom's. Yeah, this could be viral marketing for Tom's.

If you want to escape Burbank, how better than on Tom's shoes? The sustainable shoes that help you run away and into pipe. I have to say this. I think that a lot of people talk down on both artists and the mentally ill but at the end of the day unless you have a flight to catch do not go to burbank it's good advice i mean you know there's a handful of reasons yeah you need model train supplies oh man then you are set up in burbank you want to go to chili Chili John's and get some hearty homemade chili over spaghetti or rice. Pin-up girl clothing.

Yeah, right. If you are a roller derby enthusiast who needs something to wear. Dapper day at Disney. Yes, yes. Right, exactly. Yeah, you go there for your cherry print dress. Nice, reliable airport. easy to deal with. Look, you won't find me saying an ill word about the Burbank airport.

That airport's solid gold. Oh, my God. It's great. Speaking. Are we on a podcast or? Yeah. I think so. We've hit all the high points now.

So we got airport. Burbank airport. Chili John's. Yeah. So we got airport. Burbank airport. Chili John's. Yeah. Model train supply. Oh, I thought we were just listing things that everyone talks about on podcasts. Oh, yeah. I mean, that too. Burbank airport. Sonic the Hedgehog. Yeah, we hit Sonic the Hedgehog.

Yeah, I mean, we could probably wrap this one up early, huh? But yeah, I mean, good advice from this man who may or may not be part of the social media team at Tom's of Finland. Have we gotten to the end? Are they related, Tom of Finland and Tom's Shoes? And Tom of Maine.

Yeah. Oh, Tom's. Those are the top three Tom's. They make the best natural deodorant, I'm going to say, as a crystal owner. Oh, I mean, you would know. I would know. Have you ever used that kind of deodorant it's like a crystal yeah it's like a salt rock i did there was like a period of time where i speaking of rabbit holes really was like not into letting

anything touch my body that was not organic so you you rubbed a crystal like yeah i try you know i feel like i've like gotten smellier I've gotten older, and I probably did that when I was like 22 and didn't smell as much and it worked, but I don't think it could handle me now. As you've gotten older, your musk has gotten more powerful. Yeah. Too powerful for just a puny crystal. Well, I mean, I'm going to shit on them. Alba Cosmetics, you make bad deodorant, and I bought it this week, and I'm mad. Whoa.

Was it a natural deodorant? Yeah. Of course it was. What does deodorant do? I don't know. I know what antiperspirant does. Right. Well, it gives you Alzheimer's.

Oh, yeah? Yes. Except that's not actually true. Is that true? No, I don't think that's actually true. I believe that's not actually true. Is that true? That's not true? No, I don't think that's actually true. I believe that's not actually true. It's probably certain brands. Yeah.

Just Arm & Hammer. Yeah, Arm & Hammer, Alzheimer's, Mitchum, bigger dick. Mitchum. And I say that as a proud Mitchum user. Mountain Dew of deodorants. Does Mountain Dew give you a bigger dick? Smaller testicles, right? Smaller testicles.

Oh, so you're just saying by comparison. I don't know what I'm saying. Anyway. I put Mitchum on my dick. Is that the correct application? You put it on the pits. During a heat wave. Yeah.

My dick doesn't have any pits. I guess that's because I've got pubic hair. Yeah. It's because your dick's not a peach. So wait. I've been told it's peachy. That's when you whipped it out in Georgia. That's when I ripped it out in Riverdale.

The whole gang this evening. Jughead, Archie. Bazooka Joe. Bazooka Joe. Murph. The whole gang. Are Bazooka Joe and Archie in the same universe? They've definitely fucked.

They're rebooting that as a live action television show. Which, Bazooka Joe or Archie? Archie. Aren't they making an Archie movie too? Maybe that's what it is. It's just called Riverdale? No, you're right. It's a TV show invented by a guy who invented a bunch of comic book TV shows.

Like what? I don't know, like Green Arrow or something. Okay. Boy, yeah, that is one thing that I, you know, I do not understand the nostalgia for. It seems like every couple of years we get a new Archie or a new Archie that's being socially relevant. At some point someone liked Archie. Yeah. And I'd like to know who that person is.

I definitely like Bazooka Joe. I definitely like Bazooka Joe. I fucked with Bazooka Joe. There was this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he appear in any other form other than gum comics? No, but that gum was hella good. It was good gum. Especially the purple flavor.

Those comics were funny, especially if we're talking Murph. I used to get them gums. I think his name's Mort. Mort. Who's Murph? That's Cameron Esposito's dog. I think there's a Murph in Bazooka Joe. There's a Murph and a Mort?

Okay, I'm going to look up. Mort is the one with the big, with the turtleneck that goes up to his chin. I'm going to look up Bazooka Joe cast of characters. Did you have a point you were making? Yeah, man. There was this newsstand when I was a kid at 16th and Valencia in San Francisco. And it was one of those kind of newsstands where it's in like a kiosk, not like a shed, but like a round kiosk. Maybe this was only in San Francisco, but it had a door that opened. And the guy that worked this newsstand, that's where I buy my bazookas, was so terrifying. And I don't think I realized how terrifying he was.

But like had a shaved head and face tattoos, like a shaved bald head and face tattoos. But just selling newspapers like that wasn't terrifying. Bazooka Joe cast a character. And I'm talking about 1987, too. I'm not talking about 1999. What do you think you intuitively thought he was going to do to harm you? Stab. Okay.

Okay. Bazooka Joe cast a character. Yeah. Pesty, formerly Orville, who be joe's younger brother with a 1950s cowboy sombrero who may be do you never resolve that they never got the tests back yeah joe's bazooka joe's dad denies it sure do you think that do you think that uh pesty stopped being orville because the popcorn people kept complaining. Yeah, it could be.

I guess you don't want two mascots out there. Even if one is not the primary mascot. Right. Or the people who invented flight. That's another possibility for people who complained. Mort. I'm calling this ahead of time. These are all great names for hamsters.

I mean, Pesty and Orville. Right? It's pretty good. Okay, let's be honest. If there's one here that is not a good hamster name, we'll all say it. Pretty much all small rodents. I mean, a guinea pig, a gerbil. A gerbil. Okay, Mort.

Yeah. A gangly boy who always wears his red turtleneck sweater pulled up over his mouth. Yeah, know that. That's my man. He's always mumbling. Boy, we got a doozy here as far as hamster names go. Hungry Herman. Joe's tubby pal.

There aren't any hamster owners out in the audience. And you. Man, I wonder what. Don't feel bad changing your hamster's name. I wonder how Slash Film feels about Hungry Herman. Joe's tub tummy pal. Yeah. You're fat shaming.

Yeah. To be fair, I mean, Mort is a classic example of turtleneck shaming. Sure. Why do we have to laugh at the turtleneck? Why can't we be positive

about them and tell them that they're great and strong? Yeah, especially if it's cash, man. Everyone's great and strong and brave. Yeah. And if you're not,

you're a bad character. Yeah. We're not into fat shaming, by the way. Let's be clear. Sure. No. Hungry Herman's's cash, man. Everyone's great and strong and brave. Yeah. And if you're not, you're a bad character. Yeah. We're not into fat shaming, by the way. Let's be clear. Sure. No. Hungry Herm is pretty funny, though. Yeah.

But not because he's fat. No. Because he has diarrhea. Not because he's dumb. He's witty. Mm-hmm. His signature Bon Motz. I think we might have hit a-

He's the Fran Lebowitz of the bubblegum sack. I think we might have hit a hump here. Oh, no. Megan. Jane. Joe's girlfriend. She's fine, though. Jane. Yeah.

Typical underdeveloped female character, I think. Yeah. Is that all she is? She's just Joe's girlfriend? The good news is there's no such thing as a female hamster. That's true. Yeah. Is that really true?

No. How would they reproduce? By division? Maybe it would be a thing where a gerbil is a female hamster. Like where pugs were made to make the emperor laugh. Hamsters are only made

in Petco. A female hamster is called an ass. I think we're back, guys. Yeah? Tuffy, a streetwise type who wears a sailor hat. Oh, my God, I'm dying. Oh, man.

Tuffy's my favorite so far. Do you think that one day some ad man was chewing some bazooka and idly reading the comic that came with it, and he came up with the million-dollar idea to have wrapping guinea pigs in a Kia. Yeah. I mean. That has stood the test of time, huh? Oh, God. Has it ever?

Those guinea pigs have been around for a while. But I mean, look at Aflac. Oh, is that the duck still? That's still doing those things. Hashtag still the duck. Not to mention the Geico gecko. Oh, God. Yeah. Is that the duck still? That's still doing those things. Hashtag still the duck. Not to mention the Geico gecko. Oh, God, yeah. That's still like 10 years later.

People are like, I love this. I love this gecko. He reminds me that I need to buy life insurance. He reminds me that I will die. I need to prepare my estate for my children okay Tuffy a streetwise type who wears a sailor hat

do you think those Geico gecko commercials are intended to simulate a near death experience yeah sure like you get close to the tunnel and there's a cartoon animal that talks like Michael Caine okay metal dude all one word Close to the tunnel. If you realize, yeah. And there's a cartoon animal that talks like Michael Caine. Okay.

Metal Dude, all one word. Nah. A blonde, mulleted fan of heavy metal music. Yeah, Metal Dude was definitely in the comics when I was reading them. Yeah. That's a very strong 1988 Bazooka Joe character. Bridget, you don't think that's a good name for a hamster? Metal Dude?

Yeah. Slam the door on that household. No, it's good. They had, if I'm remembering correctly, they had Metal Dude, the mulleted hard rocker, and then they had

Blackie the rapper. Is that real? No. Okay. And finally, Walkie Talkie, a neighborhood mutt. Walkie Talkie. Walkie Talkie's a great name for neighborhood mutt. Walkie-talkie.

Walkie-talkie is a great name for a hamster. It is, it is, it is. And it's a great name for a neighborhood mutt. So boy, if you've got a neighborhood mutt that needs a name, walkie-talkie, pretty good. I want to say a Bazooka Joe comic also had a joke on the bottom, and that was my favorite part. Oh, yeah. the bottom and that was my favorite part oh yeah like it had a it had a storyline that i was not interested in but a gag at the bottom that i was interested in like like unrelated like the thing that was like here's the thing and then the answer is upside down yeah yeah okay and uh also bazooka

gum tasted good but was hard as fuck oh my god So hard. I think they softened it up later. But it was much better. My mom preferred Double Bubble. Double Bubble was nasty. Yeah, Double Bubble tastes like medicine. Yeah, it was gross as heck. So no Murph. I'm wrong about this. Maybe I was confusing Murph and Mort.

I think you are thinking of Cameron Esposito's dog. Yeah, who starts wearing a turtleneck pulled up over his mouth. That would be funny if Murph the Durf was wearing a turtleneck pulled up over his mouth that would be funny if murph the derf was wearing a turtleneck pulled over his mouth uh should i keep reading the bazooka joe wikipedia page yeah absolutely i want to know some more bazooka joe fact joe was a british pub rock band in the 70s it featured stewart goddard who would later change his name to adam ant oh was it named after bazooka Joe or was Bazooka Joe named after Adam Ant? That's a hard,

I don't know. And what was Adamantium named after? The stuff that laces Wolverine's skeleton. Oh, okay, so never mind. So yeah,

Bazooka Joe was created in 1952, so it predated the band. That doesn't track with the aesthetic, 1952. I know, right? Not with Metal Dude around.

No, Metal Dude was a late addition. He's like, guys, we were riding high in the 50s. Yeah. Now it's 30 years later. Let's add a character. But yeah, the cast seems to have remained pretty small in core. There was a meeting at Bazooka World Headquarters. They're like, okay, guys, we need to update this thing.

Anybody got any ideas? How about female characters who have characteristics other than their gender? No. How about a metal guy? We'll call him Metal Dude. But yeah, this still does not solve the mystery of who likes Archie Comics.

Yeah. Kids? Kids are into them, like nine-year-olds. Yeah, maybe. They sell them on Larchmont at that quaint place, the kiosk. There's a newsstand there. A newsstand, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice one up against the Walgreens. Yeah.

The Rite Aid, whatever. Rite Aid, that Rite Aid. Oh, boy. You have a phone to pick up that Rite Aid? There's just this one clerk that is so, so, like he's always, he's got jokes. He's always got jokes. And there's just always a seven person line. Okay.

That Rite Aid was actually the inspiration for our Thousand Cones project, Jordan. I was in that Rite Aid getting some 99 cent ice cream one time. I was like, what if I got a thousand 99 cent ice cream? Yeah. Then I wouldn't have to listen to this guy's stupid jokes. Yeah. There you go. Oh, boy. cent ice creams. Yeah. Then I wouldn't have to listen to this guy's stupid jokes. There you go. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Yeah, somebody likes Archie Comics. Who's on Archie? Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead. I mean, I guess that's enough. Like, if I, a guy that's never read one, can name four of the Riverdale gang and name it earlier in the show that it was from Riverdale,

that seems like enough to keep printing them. Yeah, I think so. You don't really have to sell any comic books to get your own comic book. Oh, yeah. Archie fought Predator recently. I thought that was – I saw that at the comic book store. I'm like, Archie versus Predator? Maybe?

I decided against it, but I strongly considered – that would have been my first Archie comic was where he fights Predator. Well, I mean, that's a central canonical. I mean, that's a real turning point in the Archieverse. Right, yeah. I mean, before that, they lived in idyllic suburban life. And then those alien killing machines came down from the sky. Leonardo DiCaprio bought the rights to make a movie.

Did he? No. Ah, shit. Akira reference. He owned the rights to akira for oh i didn't know that yeah really huh yeah it'd be interesting to see what celebrity owns what oh yeah like whose passion project is you know the broom hilda movie or something right i bet there's a lot of those do you guys know know that Channing Tatum owns Hagar the Horrible? No, he does not.

Oh, God. You know what celebrities do at the Golden Globes, like why they all go? Because they just get together, they get drunk, and then they buy and sell the rights to David Foster Wallace novels. Oh, God. to David Foster Wallace novels. Oh, God. Whoever comes out of it with infinite jest ends up winning the top Golden Globes. Yeah, they just do it in the back alley.

Yeah. Behind the kitchen. Yeah. Margot Robbie as Evil Tennis Mom. 100 grand for Consider the Lobster. Done. Here you are, Gary Busey. That's right.

I owned it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories

in innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in.

It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop Podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bridget Ryan, Irish rock of Gibraltar. Not the regular rock of Gibraltar, just a different Irish one? Yeah. Bridget, are you playing that one-word story game with yourself? This is an improv warm-up, right? Yeah. Anyway, zip, you playing that one-word story game with yourself? This isn't a problem, I'm upright. Yeah. Anyway, zip, zap, zop.

So wait, I don't think you ever told us why you chose that crystal at the crystal store. This crystal, I saw it on their Instagram. I love, God, it's so hard to remember the names of crystal stores because they're all so like. Oh, tell me about it. To What Great Heights or like Moonlight Sonata. What is, oh, Spellbound Sky is this one. Spellbound Sky, plug. I love them.

Well, they're the official crystal store of Jordan, Jesse, go. Sure. Get at them on the grams. Yeah. They're great. And I saw this one and I've been like really, I've been wanting a choker because the 90s are back. Sure.

I've heard that. Velveteen chokers are back. Yeah. And I, like a commercial that I was in more than a year ago, I just all of a sudden got a check and was like, I'm going to buy a crystal. I'm going to put this into a meaningless crystal. So yeah. What's a crystal. I'm going to put this into a meaningless crystal. So, yeah.

What's a crystal set you back, Bridget? This one, I honestly forget whether it was. It's somewhere between $40 and $90. That's not nothing. Yeah. Considering you're talking about a string and a rock. Oh, I know. But this is like the closest I come. I don't know. I'm not spiritual. Are you the closest I come. I don't know.

I'm not spiritual. Are you guys spiritual? Fair. I'm not spiritual. I'm religious. I am fanatically religious. Jordan is profoundly doctrinaire. Okay.

Okay. I mean, right. I don't believe in powers of crystals or anything like that. But they're cool to look at. I feel like they play tricks on your eyes. Sure. That are maybe healthy for your brain. And they help you achieve your goals.

Totally. And strengthen your kegel muscles. Oh, yeah. These are things I've heard about crystals. A kid I babysit for was like about this crystal. She was like, you do know that it's kind of like an arrow pointing right at your boobs. I was like, all right. I hadn't, but cool, cool.

Anyway, back to me babysitting you. Oh, man. The kids, too, by the way. The kids, too. The kids are like cats. They love boobs. They love talking about them. Cats love talking about boobs.

You know what season it is, Jordan? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Well, it's not spring., Jordan? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Well, it's not spring. It's not fall. No. It's not winter.

Boy, well, that's all of them, right? No. Where are we? In some sort of crazy fourth season? Oh. In some sort of alternate fourth season? Yeah. Umami.

It's kind of like a mushroom, right? It's about a mushroom season? Yeah. Yeah. Like a rich, meaty flavor. Steaky. Yeah. It's summer boy season, Jordan.

All those little summer boys out there doing summer boy activities. We got a summer boy call right now. I just want to remind everybody that this year it's spelled B-O-I. Yeah. Summer B-O-I. And as ever, it's non-gendered. Great. Let's take a listen. Hey, this is George from Chicago. He's calling in.

I'm walking past some city employees on a parkway in the middle of four lanes of traffic playing with hoses and spraying water at each other. So Summer Boy Sighting, Lamentous Occasion, now we're going to go off. Bye.

Cool. So, yeah, so this was my question. He said Gabba Gabba, didn't he? He did say Gabba Gabba. Do you think he's calling the Ramones? Remember that one time we were calling Dee Dee Ramone's house and Dee Dee Ramone wasn't there? In our old college radio days. Just talking to Dee Dee Ramone's wife.

She kept saying he was at the grocery store. He died of a heroin overdose like two days later. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That happened. I don't know if it was a heroin overdose. I believe it was a heroin overdose.

So that actually reminds me of something we briefly touched on. You got some kids. You don't know what to do with these kids in the heat. I am aware that we are in a drought. I don't want you to waste water. You got a backyard. You just get a hose and some buckets.

Let them splash, splish, splash. Dump those buckets on each other. Yeah, but not when it's 90 plus. When it's 80, 85, you can do that. But when it's 90 plus. Too hot for bucks? Yeah, it's too hot even for buckets.

We do do that. We got a little water table in the backyard. That's fun. What happens on that? We got a My Little Kitty thing that goes, sprays water everywhere. You know, classic sound of water spraying everywhere. It's actually a sex toy from Japan. I built a- Are you letting your kids frolic in a Japanese sex toy?

Yeah. Well, it's not exactly a sex toy. It's more of a backyard douche. That could be used in some sort of erotic play. Yeah, that's true. Or just a kind of imaginative child's play. I built a climbing dome in our backyard. Whoa.

You know what I'm talking about? Like with the geodesic. Yeah. You built it? Like climbing with rods. Yeah, I built that shit. What? I mean, not from scratch.

Right. You ordered it on Amazon. I ordered it on Amazon.com, popular book website. They sent it right to my house. Wow. Yeah, that shit was so heavy that I couldn't carry it. I had to drag it down the stairs. I couldn't lift it.

And I put that shit together. My wife helped me a little bit. How did you know? Is it so heavy so it doesn't topple? It's so heavy because it's made of metal. Okay. It comes in just tubes in a box. Yeah.

It's just tubes and bolts. Does that heat up? It doesn't heat up as much as you would worry that it would heat up, but it heats up enough that when it's 90 plus, you can't play on it. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Once you're fucked, you're fucked, Jordan. Yeah, I've heard that.

That's the number one rule of child rearing. Parenting in general. Once you're fucked, you're fucked. Is that all that's written in what to expect when you're expecting? Yeah, totally. What God has fucked together, let no man unfuck. I've heard that. I've said that on a throw pillow.

If something momentous happens to you this summer or any time, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN for momentous occasions. Here's our first momentous occasion. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. My name is Paul. I'm from Oakland, California. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. Can you pause this for a second?

Where is Paul. I'm from Oakland, California. I'm calling in with a... Can you pause this for a second? Where is Paul calling from? Play structure. Oakland, California. Is Paul calling us on a fucking soup can attached to the internet with a string? Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's just like... Yeah, maybe he's just dictating this call

to his Amazon Alexa. Alexa, momentous occasion. You know what? This is some shit that only Bay Area personages of a certain age, like my boy Paul, will recognize, but this is definitely Paul from the Diamond Center calling right now. Am I right or am I right, guys? I can only assume.

He's a credit man. Okay, keep playing it, Christian. Right now there's some motherfuckers out there that are like, oh, shit. Is that a local commercial? Jesse just dropped Paul from the Diamond Center? I'm a credit man? That's some shit. Next thing you know, you'll be talking about those KBHK dogs.

This is at another local commercial. Weird dog puppets. Wait, can we all drop a local commercial? Those pets from Channel 20. What do you got? Something from Philadelphia? I think this is Philadelphia. K-O-F-Y, TV 20.

I'll do one. So you did that. You do one, and I'll do one. So you did that. You do one and I'll do one. Doors unlimited. Unlimited doors. That is dope as fuck. Isn't that so good?

That's what's up. I'll do a quick one. Buy my bikes. Okay. Okay, cool. Well, we're covered. Wait. Do you just have more?

Is there more to this? I guess. Probably. Can you say where he's from? Yeah, he's going to sing I'm a credit man while Wait, does he just have more to this? I guess, probably. Does the guy just say where he's from? Yeah, he's going to sing I'm a Credit Man while he's dressed in like a superhero costume and these ladies that work at his store are holding him up in the air. It's kind of a slightly fat guy with a big mustache. That sounds really good. I'm from Oakland, California.

I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I was on my way leaving work today and I was stopped Oakland, California. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I was on my way leaving work today, and I was stopped by the cafeteria, and an old elderly gentleman pulled me aside and said, Hey, man, you look like a really cool dude. And that just kind of made my day. I'll share it with you guys. All right. Have a great day. Bye. I had a similar, but it was a little more insulting.

I was checking out at the Trader Joe's and there you go, another tenet of podcasting. There's a story that takes place at Trader Joe's. There's this guy who checks me out often

and I would call him like a roadie type. He's like an older dude, gray ponytail, you ponytail, warm demeanor, looks you in the eye. He asks you how you're doing and you feel like he means it more than your average Trader Joe's cashier. Tunes your guitar. So he tells you, he looks at me. I'm checking out. I've checked out with him before, but he's looking at me like he's seeing me for the first time.

He's like, hey, dude, you look really familiar. Are you in the music business? I say, no, I'm not in the music business. He's like, you never did music at all. I'm like, well, I played the violin when I was in elementary school. I was in the elementary school orchestra and I played the violin. I was in elementary school. I was in the elementary school orchestra, and I played the violin. I was like, that's it. He's like, hey, man, maybe you should pick it back up again.

I'm like, oh, yeah, that sounds like that would be a cool new hobby. And he looks at me in a really, like, judgmental way, and he's like, why does it have to be a hobby? Yeah, go pro, bro. Go pro with violin. Go pro, my friend. It was real judgmental. It's like, what are you doing? Slaving, what are you doing?

Are you looking up that commercial? Yeah, I got, well, it's not the Credit Man one, but. It's a different one. Yeah, it's my boy Paul from the Diamond Center. The city's crazy. Some people have money to burn, some don't. When they don't, they need credit. It's like a private eye parody.

I was working at a bunco, and our suspect was real slick. No credit, bad credit, even bankruptcy. That was another one of his catchphrases. You went to the Diamond Center. What did you buy? Nothing. I got turned down for credit. I didn't get nothing.

That's when I had him. Nobody gets turned down for credit at the Diamond Center. Man, that one was hella moody. That was really, yeah, that was well shot. Usually Paul from the Diamond Center is not that moody. Yeah. For real, though, like, usually Paul's just... That was his...

I've sailed the seven seas! Who can I turn to for credit? He's dressed like a pirate. So many people need help. To the Diamond Center. Row, row. This is for Diamond Ring? I see your destination.

This is fully just like shot in like a pool. Come discover the Diamond Center. Do you see his like parrot on his shoulder like a Halloween center? Wow. You buy diamond rings at the Diamond Center? Yeah, you buy diamond rings and nobody gets turned down for credit. That's nice. But they don't seem to have...

Oh, this one's musical. Let's check out this one right here. Yes. I'm sure this guy has 30 years worth of commercials on YouTube. This one has titles, though. This one, the people who put it on put titles on there. This is Credit Man. Yeah.

These are good. Paul has a really beautiful voice. I'm coming. I'm a credit man. Yeah. These are good. I'm a credit man. Paul has a really beautiful voice. This is the scene I was telling you about, where they're carrying him. Oh, I'm a credit man. He's got a nice Mercedes SL, too. Paul's not doing that bad. Nah, Paul's doing good.

Yeah, Paul's doing good. He's got diamonds. He's got all that credit. He has a whole store full of diamonds. What was the momentous occasion? I forgot. I was really focusing on Paul, the credit man. Yeah, what the fuck was this guy?

Oh, he's saying an old man came up to him and told him that he was cool. Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, good for you, man. Yeah, congratulations. I do feel like we've been unduly harsh on momentous occasion callers lately. I think they like it. It's part of why they call in, to be roasted a little bit.

Sort of like why a Japanese person would go to a Don Rickles show. Yeah, exactly. A hockey puck would go to a Don Rickles show. A living hockey puck. They all have cuckold fetishes. Yeah, a puck cuck. For real. Okay, let's play another call.

Do we have another one? one yeah we got one more okay hey jordan jesse and guests this is matt in virginia uh yeah i do tech support and i often uh remote control my client's computers to fix them um well i set up a time with one of my clients so I could connect and clean off some viruses. And I guess he forgot because when I connected, boom, there was a hardcore bondage porn. Yeah, so this is not the first experience I've had with my clients in porn, but it's the first one with bondage. Yeah, I quickly disconnected and acted like I wasn't able to make the connection.

So, yeah. Have a great one. Should have wiped the hard drive. Gotta wipe it. Does this mean

that it was on the screen? Like he was watching it? Yeah, so like the guy was watching hardcore bondage porn at

home. Okay. And then when our man Paul from the Diamond Center, I think that was his name, I'm trying to remember. This could be a different guy, hard to say though. Buzzed in, he checked in on that computer, he opened that window and

climbed on in. Your boy was watching that B-porn. Full on BP oil spill. Sure, yeah. Yeah, boy, I i feel like i it seems like there's so many instances uh a lot of these come when like politicians will post screenshots you'll see the little porn window open on their desktop yeah who just casually keeps a window of porn open i mean you know.

I've accidentally left a porn window open. Explain. How did that happen? Like I got multiple windows going. Multiple pornies. Look, I'm no porno fiend. Sure. I want to make that clear.

Yeah. But I've seen pornography just like any other person. But if you have multiple windows open, what happens is if one of them gets if you got one set of windows that's your regular tabs that you like your gmail and shit yeah and then if you accidentally get two windows of pornography going and one of them gets behind your regular stuff and one of them is in front of your regular stuff. Oh, I see. So then you close the one that's in front. You forget about the one that's behind.

Yeah, forget about that backup. And then like three hours later, you close your email window and you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. And you close that. But yeah, that was not an opportune time. You avoided embarrassment. Yeah, no, I've never had an occasion to be embarrassed. Yeah.

The last instance of a politician leaving the, like, porn up. I'm proud of my porn. It's, like, romantic. Oh. It's, like, romantic, sensual type. It's just the notebook, right? Yeah. Just crank it to that?

No, it's Field of Dreams. Oh. I just crank it to the idea of a dad who appreciates his son oh god oh no but the last dude i saw who did that like had it was his yahoo mail and then his at&t bill and then two windows of porn just in there in the non-incognito tabs just checking in yeah just popping over i'm gonna pay this bill when i get a chance gotta answer these emails well i mean one temptation about the internet is that the internet is the place where you get your at&t bill and pornography is always available sure so you could have the thought, like, what if I switched back and forth?

How would that work? Sure. You know what I mean? Like, could I sensualize my AT&T bill? Oh, maybe like a kind of a Pavlovian response. Just kind of, no, more like maintaining a high. Okay, sure. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I can imagine that that trying to like just have some little bumps of coke throughout the night exactly keep the party rolling keep the keel even yeah that's what i'm imagining that guy is doing okay like he's got his yahoo mail his at&t bill he's got his politician things happen those are kind of a bummer. That's just a bunch of stuff about bills. Yeah. Legislative and financial. What I'm hearing is that this was sort of – there was like – I mean I'm projecting toxic masculinity onto this where the guy couldn't be like, hey, looks like you're busy but can we stop and have me fix your computer?

Is that what this momentous moment was? Yeah, you can't do that with your tech support client. Why? Would you do that with the kid you babysit? Like what? Be like, dude, I mean, I haven't had to address a kid masturbating, but I feel like I would try to not sex shame them. Yeah, I think the guy was just trying to to i think what he said was he pretended he could not connect so he maybe gave the guy a little out oh okay to you know tidy up if i was

on webcam i'd pop in there you know right on top of it and i just raise one eyebrow and it's like an ambiguous raise one eyebrow like am i saying like what are you doing or am i saying like you nasty yeah exactly nasty one time i returned to my college dorm room to find a former beau on the floor of my dorm masturbating to uncle buck what what the fuck i had to tell you what the fuck i know i know wait why have we not been talking about this the last 90 minutes with that you lead with that i had such trouble coming up with a nickname now i have it yeah sure so you and this you guys were broken up. Yeah. Had he broken into your dorm room to jack off your VHS collection? He's like, no, what about Bob? No.

We'd had a party and I had like left to go to another party somewhere and came back to the detritus of the party on the floor. And it was him. Wow. Yeah. So it was okay. And I let him finish. I closed the door and was like was him. Wow. Yeah. So it was okay. And I let him finish. I closed the door and was like,

okay. That's nice. Did he know that you... Eventually, when I said, Jim, you gotta go home now. I called his roommate,

Bird, and was like, Jim is... Bird? Yeah. I went to Penn State. Come on. Okay, sure. was this larry bird or charlie parker i don't even know his real name anymore yeah it's just bird um yeah and then he got a big

bird uh what's the guy he's one of those pigeons that was that was lost by the government oh yeah sure one of rick martinez got it got it uh yeah i like kicked him out uh and he got arrested for like stumbling home drunk and then he got kicked out he well he left school he sounds like a troubled young man yeah it was pretty bad that's horrible you know and i'll but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt here. He might not have been masturbating to Uncle Buck. He just might have been masturbating around Uncle Buck. I agree.

Like. I agree. Like he started watching Uncle Buck. He realized that it wasn't as good as he remembered from when he was a kid. Sure. Then he thought, I'll masturbate. Then he thought, I should turn off Uncle Buck so I don't accidentally see John Candy while I'm masturbating. Sure.

And then he thought, oh, fuck it. How do you think he feels about this upcoming TV reboot with Mike Epps? There is one? Yes. Wow. Mike Epps is the new Uncle Buck. Probably turning him on. I don't know.

We all need to give him a minute. I think this is one of the, like, this is, and I sympathize with him in this situation because I, as someone who lives alone, you can just begin to masturbate. Like, it doesn't have to be planned in any way. What's your schedule like tonight? You coming home anytime soon? Yeah, you got a class or where are you going for dinner? How far away is that?

Just like give me like five minutes warning, okay? Yeah, yeah. Just text. It's almost the pancake scene. You got a blast here in that pancake scene. You got a blast here with that pancake scene. But if you're alone and you're like, I can just start and see how things go. Sometimes you're like, oh, I have the TV on.

And then you realize like, oh, I should turn this off before I take this any more seriously. But I think to the untrained eye, I could just be cranking it to a simpsons rerun you know and you would turn it off so you don't get like any wires crossed and like have yeah yeah right yeah yes with the cbs this morning uh yeah if it was kind of an early morning thing uh you wouldn't want that to happen so yeah that anyway that's actually i lived alone briefly um and that's why even now i can't achieve orgasm unless charlie rose is there yeah and he's super wasted he's drinking whiskey from a coffee mug all All right. Finish up, young man. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go.

Me, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Street. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bridget Ryan. You can just reuse the nickname. Oh, God, I can reuse the nickname. What was your first one? Your first one was good. A pagan spelling bee champion. That's great. Okay. Yeah, that's rocks. Oh, you guys I can reuse the nickname. What was your first one? Your first one was good. Oh, Pagan Spelling Bee Champion.

That's great. Okay. Yeah, that's rocks. Oh, you guys have, I guess. It's the same one. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you could try paying attention when we're talking, but then you would realize

that we're using the same one each time. Yeah. No, you've changed yours sometimes. Yeah, I use Voice of the Millennial Generation sometimes. Pagan Spelling Bee Champion is great. Okay. Don't, yeah, no need to, you know. Feels like everything that was scary about improv comedy?

No, you're great. You're doing great. You're saying yes to life. You're getting out there, truth in comedy. Oh, God. Anyway. You know what the number one rule of my improv team is? Hmm.

Say yas. Yas. Yas. Yas on. Queen. Wine. Yas on. That's like the best thing we ever thought of.

Yas on. Yas. Very specific. That's like the best thing we ever thought of. Yasan. Yasan. Very specific. That's really good. Is it a little late and a little too narrow in focus? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

We would have, yeah. This would have been a couple of months ago. We could ride that all the way to the bank. Yeah. Cha-ching. There really is money in improv, Jordan. Yeah. I thought there wasn't. Okay.

Thought it was a fool's pursuit. We've had a lot of fun with Bridget Ryan. Bridget, how can people learn more about your comic music pursuits? They can type my name into the website YouTube. I have some music videos there. This is online at YouTube.com? Yeah. I have played some small parts in a few of these youtube music videos i think everyone i think you're an easter egg in everyone right oh good yeah uh like alfred hitchcock exactly yeah yeah i don't direct

them uh but you know yeah you play someone uh i got a restraining order from you, right? Yeah. Yeah, so I have some music videos there. What's a big hit people could look for? Honest Disney princess song. Yeah. There you go. Or Boy, I Want to Take You to a Wedding.

Yeah. Summer hit. There's two smashes. Two Bridget Ryan classics. Outside the park. Hey, if you're on Twitter, I think you should follow Bridget on Twitter. It's very funny. There might be some jokes about specific LA area vegan restaurants that you might not get,

but the rest is just funny, hilarious jokes. So yeah, if you're on the Twitter, good follow. Christian Duenas on the boards. This week, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, our producer all the way in sunny London, England, writing for Television's The Royals.

So watch that on television if you want to see Queen Elizabeth Hurley. Maximumfun.org is our website. Maximumfun.reddit.com where you can talk about us on Reddit. Hashtag JJ Go where you can talk about us on Reddit.

Hashtag JJ Goha. You can talk about us on Twitter. A lot of real high-quality Waluigi memes last week. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. I want to say thank you to everybody who shared a Waluigi meme with Waluigi saying Doze Not Sto. That was real solid. Fun memes. Fun was real solid. Fun memes.

Fun memes, guys. A lot of disagreement on how to spell does. Yeah. I think it is D-O-Z-E. Agreed. Yeah. Uh-oh. There was a lot of D-O-S-E. Yeah.

I mean, again. Is that because Brian spelled it D-O-S-E in the episode description? I don't know. Honestly, I don't know why people made that decision. I mean, and again, like the turtle in the spelling bee, I want people to spell does how they feel like they should spell does. That's what this episode is called, by the way, the turtle in the spelling bee. Yeah, but I personally would spell it D-O-Z-E. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So, but that's just me, and I think chode is a synonym for taint. Yeah, so you're wrong on all counts. No, wrong. What is it to you? A chode? That's just a running thing in the show these days. The guest has to say their definition of chode. Chode's a short, fat dick.

Yeah, that's what's up. That's what's up. Me and Bridget rolling tight. Thanks. Let's go to the Crystal Store after this. Yes. Ah. Ah, this is Cafe Gratitude.

On Facebook, Maximum Fun Facebook group, like Jordan, Jesse, go on there. Before we started this week, I did a Facebook Live where I wandered around the office and pointed the camera at people. Hey. 250 people looked at that shit. Pretty cool around the office and pointed the camera at people. Hey. 250 people looked at that shit. Pretty cool. Yeah, what a mistake on those people's parts. But if you like Jordan and Jesse Go on Facebook, who knows?

Nick's got to kill a cow with a croquet mallet. Facebook Live some shit. Yeah, who knows? Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go. Bye. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

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