Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 436: Pocketful of Hot Wings with Dave Holmes

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

Fan favorite Dave Holmes joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Dave's experience at Slimmins with Richard Simmons, Jesse's Summer Boi trip to the Berkshires for the Fourth of July, and the true meaning of James Taylor's song Fire and Rain. Plus, Jordan pitches a new name for Macklemore's friend Ryan Lewis and everyone weighs in on pool chilling vs a trip to the beach. Get your GARABA T-shirt here!  It's the last week!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Garaba, Jordan. Sure. This is the last week of this Garaba t-shirt that we made. So, they are for sale at Topatico.com.

Yeah. You can get a t-shirt that reminds you to- G. G. Get help. A. A. Assess the situation.

R. Read up on it. A. Assess the situation again. B. Wait. Yeah. Okay.

B. Be prepared. No, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. And finally, A. Abstinence. Yeah. There you go.

Great. Garaba. That's what you do. Dave, you have not been introduced. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help but cry out. People are so upset right now. The Garaba message resonates with me so deeply that I just couldn't keep it to myself.

Do you have any idea how disconcerting it is for a podcast listener to hear a voice in their ear that is completely unrecognizable, completely unknown to them. That is the name on the thing that they click to listen to it. This could be- A lot of people blindly grope at their phones. Oh, do they really? Yeah. I mean, I've talked to a lot of listeners out there.

A lot of blind gropers. Yeah, a lot of blind gropers. That's how they ended up subscribing to Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's not like people are going into iTunes and typing in Jordan, Jesse, go. Bring me the latest from Jesse Thorne, that guy with the NPR show that runs Sunday nights at 10 on my local station, if I'm lucky. And Jordan Morris, that guy that's been on At Midnight twice. Yeah. That would be an odd search.

I have two interests. i feel like there are things you could lose that's one of those grandma searches yeah siri bring me the podcast with that guy jesse thorne who has etc yeah yeah uh but yeah you know i think that's how i'm gonna start referring to my fans blind gropers hey it's gonna give a shout out to all the blind gropers. Blind gropers. Hey, it's going to give a shout out to all the blind gropers out there. I should stop talking though, shouldn't I? No, no, no. You've started talking. Now continue talking.

Broken the seal. Our guest this week on the program. Now you're going to have to pee every 30 minutes. Now I'm going to have to piss all over the place. Our guest this week on the program, not just a beloved Jordan Jesse Go guest, although that's how he introduces himself at parties. Not just a writer of column nets for Esquire. Not just the host of MaximumFun.org's very own podcast, International Waters.

Also true. The Intercontinental Battle for Pop Culture Supremacy. But now, the I can only presume best-selling author of Party of One, a charming, delightful, and hilarious memoir of growing up Dave in St. Louis and environs. That's how you publish it. Yeah, yeah. That's the subtitle. A delightful memoir of growing up Dave. Memoir, yeah.

Spelled phonetically. In St. Louis and Environs. Also spelled phonetically. Welcome to the program, Dave. Thank you so much. Welcome back to the program. Thanks. I don't think you actually said my name.

Dave Holmes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I not? You did. Actually, I did not say my name. I did not get to that. my name. Dave Holmes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I not? You did actually not say my name. I did not get to that. It could be any Dave. There's so many Daves out there. It's probably Dave from the movie Dave.

Sure, yeah. Yep. Any of the Daves you know, you know. What do you think would happen if you watched the movie Dave? Never seen it. Now in 2000, you can still speculate on this. You are as qualified as anyone else. Are you familiar with the general premise that it's about the president's doppelganger?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. If you watched Dave 2016, what would your reaction be? Jordan, I'm going to go to you first. Have you seen the movie Dave? I have seen the movie Dave. Did you once catch a fish that was this big? I think I remember going to see Dave in theaters with Mom.

Right. The fun movie to see with Mom because there's not too much kissing that'll make you embarrassed that you're with your mom. And then I think Dave is a, Dave is just a fucking TBS movie. So I think I have watched,

you know, 20 minute chunklets of Dave for the past, I'm going to say 15 to 20 years. It does feel like a movie that goes directly to one of those kinds of stations. Yeah, yeah. A USA maybe. Something around channel 22. Sure. Channel 22 to 46.

It's sort of a white Bebe's Kids. Yeah, exactly. It trends on white Twitter. Yeah. It'll be interrupted by ads for awnings. Yeah, sure. Things of that nature. Yeah.

A nice nonstick pan that's maybe made of clay. Look what I can do with chocolate. Sure. And nothing happens. Watch me melt these peppermints. Oh. And it proves something about this pan. Yeah.

Anyway, so yeah. There used to be an – like back in the day when there were fewer cable options and certainly nothing that you could binge, I was really into infomercials. Yeah. And there was one for the Ronco food dehydrator where you can make your dried apricots. A truly classic infomercial product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And, of course, it was a show.

It was amazing inventions or whatever. And it was the same woman hosting all of them. But the thing that I remember most from this one is that there was a woman, kind of a kindly old woman, who was like, I have grandchildren. And when my grandchildren ask if they can come over, the first thing they ask is, are you going to dry some apricots? Because we don't want to come over unless you dry some apricots and there's just sadness in her eyes like she knows that their love is conditional and then they say if there's not apricots they say get to removing the moisture from that fruit bitch yeah do it do it i like it right are we going fishing and fuck you if i have to carry any pole bigger than pocket size. I like the idea that maybe the Amazing Inventions series was just all shot over the course of a day. I bet it was. And Popeil and his lady co-host just do and blow, making episodes that are still running on late night TV today are just the product of that one cocaine-fueled afternoon. Just do and blow and spin and chicken.

Sure, exactly. The female co-host, I don't remember her name, but I loved her because she was so adamant about not believing the thing at the beginning. Yeah, yeah. She's like, no. Fuck you, Ron. No. Fuck you.

No, I know how long it takes to rotisserie a chicken. Sure. I can't get it done. You are a liar. Right. Look, I didn't just roll in here on the chicken hick train, you fucking asshole.

You fuck with a weird name. Yeah. Listen, I was, yes, I was shocked to learn that I can make paninis at home, an item that I had only formally been able to get while vacationing

on the French Riviera. Sure. But I will not believe you on this chicken matter. Yeah. And then he really fucking showed her, didn't he? Absolutely. Boom. Faced.

Yeah. You could make an egg in all kinds of different ways. I kind of ran out of Popeil things. I guess I kind of did too. But there was some egg situation, right? Where you like poach an egg real quick or something? I don't know. Yeah.

Pocket Fisherman is the central. Pocket Fisherman? Oh, really? That's the central Popeil product. I'll be darned. That's the iconic product that made his name. Really? Certainly.

Did he sell a lot more Showtime rotisseries later on in his career? Maybe. Yeah, but there's no Ronco product from my perspective like the Pocket Fisherman, a tiny folding fishing pole. What's our take on Richard Simmons right now? Speaking of infomercials, where is he now? So there's controversy. Yeah. So I guess I've heard-

We'll start to my right. I've heard a few news items. Uh-huh. R.E. Simmons. Yeah. Who I've always enjoyed. I mean, I've never sweated to the oldies, but I remember always like circling it in the newspaper when I saw he was going to be on Letterman because I liked how Letterman was mean to him. genuinely unhinged and sincerely charming in a really remarkable it's really amazing that he the extent to which he combined those two things yeah it did not seem to be an act that he was a

madman no but at the same time he is i don't know if he is now that he's in – we'll get into this secret jail that he's being held in potentially. Yeah. But he is like on Letterman. He is super charming. Oh, sure. In a way that like when Jungle Jack Hanna is on there, you just want to watch Letterman mock Jungle Jack Hanna because Jungle Jack Hanna seems like kind of a dick. Sure. Sure. But – He's a dick. Sure. Sure.

But – He's a know-it-all. Richard – and when he actually doesn't know anything. Yeah. Not an actual scientist in any way. Yeah. He's around animals. I think he's seeing those animals five minutes before he goes to air.

Yeah. Just a guy who owns a safari jacket. Yeah. Well, all right. Agree to disagree. But Richard Simmons – You've been on safari with Jungle Jack Hanna. Several times. He saved you from a rampaging hippo. Yes, all right. Agree to disagree. But Richard Simmons – You've been on safari with Jungle Jack Hannon. Several times.

He saved you from a rampaging hippo. Yes, of course. Do you see any marks on me? No, you do not. No hippo marks. Richard Simmons is a jack. You are hippo bite free. That's right.

Genuine charmer. Genuine for sure. Yeah. I mean, he seems utterly sincere and exhausting. Oh, yes. Completely exhausting. Oh, yes. Completely exhausting. That's part of what's unhinged about him is you wonder, is this guy in a perpetual state of mania? He appears to be. Yes.

Have you been to Slimmon's? No. His studio. So he has a Los Angeles studio. Now, it's just called Slimmon's and it's not called Richard Slimmon's. No, it's called Slimmon's. Okay. But it is named after him. He it's not called Richard Slimmons. No, it's called Slimmons. Okay. But it is named after him.

He's had it since the 70s. It looks like it. He didn't just buy it and it coincidentally was called Slimmons. It is very early 80s looking. It was renovated in the early 80s

and then never touched again. It's very pink and green and very neat. It's very pink and green. It's the set of a 1982 talk show, basically. What do you do at Slimmon's? Well, I'll tell you guys. Please. Well, I mean, I don't know what you do now because he doesn't seem to want to leave his house now, which, again, we'll get to. But there's a thing at, say, 1030 called Project Me.

Right? And you go in and you sit on the floor. I have a little Project Me in the shower sometimes before work. Or Project You, but I think Project Me. Sure. And you sit on the floor and his minions come around and pass out sheets of copier paper. Are they dressed like him? They're not.

These are not like the hostesses at Alice Cooper's restaurant, Cooperstown. No. Who have to wear monster makeup. No. No. They are not that at all. But I want to hear everything about it. You've heard it.

Okay. He has a restaurant called Cooperstown. Some caught up? Yeah. Great. No, these are women who look like the woman from the infomercial. Okay. Like they're of that age and whatever.

So they hand out pieces of paper. He sat on the floor. He, uh, he comes out and he's just, he is on, he is on. Yeah.

And he will like, if you see somebody who's obese, he'll put his arms around them and they'll cry. Uh, he grabbed somebody's phone and called their mother. Um, and like yelled at their mother for, I don't know why.

Um, he is unbelievably racist. What? Really? Yeah. We'll do like, oh, so sorry. That kind of thing. Sure, sure, sure.

I was seated next to a female friend of mine who is Hispanic and he like thought we were a couple. And he was like, did you meet when you were cleaning his house? That kind of thing. So he's got a whole Gallagher layer to him. Yeah, a ton of casual. But then also like actual sincere care about people. So in the Project Me or Project You or whatever it was that I went to,

the theme was stars. So he was wearing planets on his little tights and there was like a little Saturn kind of thing embroidered on the tank top. Sure. And he was like, when I wish upon a star, what do I wish for? Was the question that he had to answer. And then his minions come and pick up the thing. And they put it in like a Ralph's paper bag.

Like not at all a fancy paper bag. Sure. And then he pulls something out and he talks about it. Not like on a wisdom pouch or a... Yeah. No, no, no. No, nothing. No, nothing. Not a satchel. Just a shitty... bag sure and uh and then he pulls something out and he talks about a wisdom pouch or uh yeah no no no no nothing no nothing uh not a satchel just a shitty like an old ralph's bag like an like a couple logos ago ralph's bag and uh and then he reads some out and he agrees with some

and some make him cry and and some he's just like that's stupid like so he's like i wish for calm and he's like don't wish for calm it's stupid and he got furious and uh and then he okay and this that means the only i can only speak to this particular experience when i wish upon a star but then somebody was like what do you wish for rich simmons and uh and he was like when i wish upon a star i wish for my dalmatian or whatever the fuck kind of dog he has sure uh betty or whatever her fucking name is, who is 18 years old, to live for just one more year. And then I wish to get this party started. Like the doors fly open.

And then you can also, like Project Me is like 25 bucks or something. But then you can just do the regular class for like 10. Yeah. We went for the full experience. Sure. Right. You're going, you're going. Yes. In for a penny, in for a pound. You've driven to like 10. Yeah. We went for the full experience. Sure. Right. You're going. You're going. Yes.

In for a penny. You're there. In for a pound. You've driven to Beverly Hills. Yeah. You've looked for parking. Yep. So then the doors fly open and this class starts and it's so packed.

Like if he's there, it's so packed that you like really can barely move. You know? So like you might, your heart rate might get elevated just a tiny bit. Sure. But not really enough. And then he makes all the guys take their shirts off, and he drools, and it's crazy. Oh, boy.

He makes all the dudes take their shirts off? Yep. How? He's like, you break into groups, and then you dance in the middle of the floor with him, and he will put his hands underneath your shirt and kind of make you pull it off. It's weird. And and then when it's over you get to take a picture with him hey that's great and i would imagine and it goes on for a very long time and i would imagine that

he would be for a very long time very long time yeah and because who again who doesn't want a picture with richard simmons sure oh yeah right yeah i mean again if you're there you're staying for the whole class you're staying for the whole class. You're staying for the whole class. You're getting the picture. You're getting the goddamn picture. And then he probably just goes home and cries into a pillow or takes a very long nap or whatever. Like, I would imagine it's exhausting to be Richard Simmons. I've got to be

around him. I've got a question for you, Dave. Yes. Fire away. You're spoken for romantically. Yes, I am. And I don't know at what point you went to Slimmons. Yeah. Which, by the way,'t know at what point you went to Slimman's. Yeah. Which, by the way, Richard Simmons bought from Slim Pickens. From Slim Pickens.

Yes. He did a little mad fold in on the front marquee. Exactly. And thus, Slimman's. But I want to know, so there is

a... Are you asking if I fucked Richard Simmons? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So a good friend of mine and I made a web series called Put This On. It still exists in blog form. And when we had the premiere of our first season, somebody said, you should invite Huell Hauser.

Oh, wow. And so we invited Huell Hauser, the legendary Southern California public television personality who's been parodied on every comedy podcast from here to Timbuktu because he's amazing, was amazing. He's passed on since. Yeah. And he came. And he delivered everything that you would hope he would be.

He's just a wonderful guy. Awesome. Just a wonderful, awe-inspiring guy. Yeah. And he was talking with my friend who was the filmmaker behind the thing. Yeah. And he said, we should get lunch sometime. And my friend was like, of course I'm going to get lunch with Huell Hauser.

He's a brilliant television producer in addition to being a television personality. And my friend texted me from the lunch. He said, I'm at lunch with Huell Hauser. This is amazing. We're at a secret place in police headquarters. Also, I'm 75% confident that I'm on a date right now. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So Huell Hauser had the force of personality to ask anyone – my friend, by the way, heterosexual. But could read as either if, you know, was – I think I know who you're talking about. There's a certain bear quality about him. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And so here's my question.

And he's gorgeous, by the way. Gay guys love him. Yeah. You're talking, of course, about famed film director Kevin Smith, right? That's exactly right. Yes. That's exactly right. We love a jort.

And a jersey. Yep. Jort and a jersey. Can't get enough. Jersey, but it's hockey or nothing. Can you never give me a natural pose on a red carpet or in any kind of a photograph? Sure. Great.

I'm in. Here's. I'm sorry. Shut up. I, Kevin Smith. Specificity. Look at any picture of Kevin Smith and try to swallow the rage that you feel. Of all of the things to be critical of Kevin Smith.

Have you seen it? I'm going to just do it, but it's always like the unnaturalness of... Just fucking smile, dick. Just smile. It doesn't have to be a thing about smiling. You can just fucking smile. You know what's going to happen now? Sorry, tangents.

500 people are going to- It's socially acceptable for you to show up to a fancy event and the clothes you use to clean the house. Yeah. 500 people are now going to email me. No one is going to email you, Dave. Do you want to bet? People are going to email me, and they're going to say, you should watch this clip of him telling stories about Prince,

because I know you like Prince. I'm certain that that's true. And I know that they all will, because they always do, anytime it happens. And the answer is, yes, those are fun stories. It's 45 minutes of stories that could have been told in 10. Yep. But, yes, of course they're fun. Everyone who's ever interacted with Prince has a fun Prince story.

Of course. Prince was a. He was generous. The greatest genius of all time and a genuine madman. Yeah. Ridiculous. So yeah, you can do all those things and also cover up your fucking calves. So anyway, regarding Richard Simmons.

Yes. Where even were we? If you were. Oh, he'll house it. If you were a Richard Simmons. Yes. Where even were we? If you were a single man and Richard Simmons asked you out, would you go out with Richard Simmons? And I'm pointing this to you, Dave, because you've interacted with the man. Yeah, I have. But I'll open it to you as well, George. Okay. For the story, I would have to say yes.

And that's cruel. I know that's not a nice thing to do to another human being who has emotions and needs and whatnot. But you know that it would be a story that you could fucking dine out on forever, which is probably why he's a madman. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's probably impossible for him to have an actual human connection with another human being because he's just – he like – he went all in on the personality a long time ago and now it's like you just can't have a regular relationship. I would imagine that's a depressing way to live your life. Yeah.

Yeah. It is a strange zone of celebrity. Yes. The Richard Simmonses, the screeches of the world. Are you trying to avoid answering the question? No, no. I'll answer the question. I think I would... Oh, boy.

Where are we going? I mean, presumably a secret lunch spot inside LA police headquarters that only he knows about. Yeah. Encounters at LAX. Oh, boy. He loves it.

Richardson was absolutely eats at the rotating restaurant. Yeah. If it's Encounters. Anytime I'm at LAX, I want to eat there. It's closed. I look at that. It's closed? It's closed.

Have you ever been there? No. It's so cool. It was so dumb, but great. I totally loved it. I've been there maybe two or three times. So there's nothing in there now? There is nothing in there now.

This is the famous building outside of LAX. I could be completely wrong. It's my- 1965-ish space-themed building that is gorgeous. Gorgeous and shitty on the inside. Yeah, it's so tacky. And the elevator that takes you up the one level. Right.

When it starts to go up, it makes rocket ship launching sounds, but it goes so slowly that it's like you're barely moving and yet you're in a rocket that's going 10 feet in the air. I want to hear more about the rotating restaurant, but I'll finish the answer in a minute. As with Cooperstown, you've heard it all. Yeah. Oh, okay. There you go.

Yeah. You get like a Mars punch and it's some kind of green thing or whatever. It's just like, it's a real reach. Yeah. It's just Kool-Aid and vodka. Yeah. Space potato skins. Right.

It's just like they barely tried. How are these from space? They are. It's their bacon. Shut up. They've been dehydrated. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

So, yeah, I think I would say yes to the date because, yeah, again, you know, having that bar's closing story, hey, let's have another drink. I got a good one. Yeah. Those are priceless. What if we both fall in love with Richard Simmons? Like, what if we go for the story? And it's like a love triangle, the three of you?

I mean, I would be, listen, this is moving a little fast, but I don't think we should rule out three-person marriage. Yeah, I was going to say, Dave, you're easy to get along with. Great. Jordan, you're a charmer. I think triad is the way to go here. And again, again, he will fucking tire you out. So, like, we would have to tag team it.

And we could all just grow our hair long and have similar hair. We kind of already have. I was with Ben when I went to Slimming's, and at the end, when we all went to get pictures, was with ben when i went to slimming's and at the end when we all went to get pictures um ben was there and and and richard pulled him aside and he said uh you have a wall around your heart oh my wow so he just felt he felt an energy he felt a lack of energy maybe i i don't know what he felt but he was just like i better tell i better express it right now i better not keep it to myself felt in his heart of hearts that Ben was not DTF? That might have been it.

But he said, that's a good thing. Never lose it. Wow. Yeah. That's the old one, too. So Richard Simmons now is possibly imprisoned in his home. Oh, I'll just maybe finish my thought. I would say yes to the date, but I would maybe try and temper it a little bit by just saying to him, hey, you know, I'm not

really looking for anything right now. It'd be great to get to know you, but just try and manage his expectations. Sure. I think that's unfair. Because I don't want the guy to think he's going to go all the way. Maybe that's not in the cards. But is that just like going halfway

on a date then? It might be a little bit. You sort of don't. I mean, my feeling is you let me know that up front. We don't go out on a date. What the fuck am I wasting time for? No, you're not. Yeah, you're not dropping 50 bucks on space apps. You have to really open your heart to this experience if you're going to do it.

No, you're right. Yeah, you can't just be like, I'm spoken for, but if you want to catch a Dodgers game sometime. By the way, how much would I love to go to the Dodgers game with Richard Simmons? Oh, holy moly. Probably have little shorts in the home team colors. Oh, I bet he does. Absolutely. Saw him on the street once. White PT Cruiser. Oh, boy.

And I saw that and I was like, yep. Makes so much sense. It's like when you see a weird, you know, one of those weird internet stories, like the local news story of the, you know, guy who, the guy who swiped the Hustler mannequin from the Hustler store and, you know,

was caught later in bed with it. Yeah. You know, those are hard not to click on. And I feel like every time you see the mugshot attached to that, you're like, oh yeah, that tracks. Yeah. Sure. Yeah I feel like every time you see the mugshot attached to that, you're like, oh, yeah, that tracks. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's it.

That's the guy who did that. It's never not the guy who did that, you know? You're correct. So he's imprisoned in his home. Does anyone, this was, there was an article, potentially, there was an article in, like, New York or something that I read. The New York Daily News. No, I read a full, like, magazine article.

It was a long article in the Daily News? Yeah, it read a full magazine article. That was in the Daily News? It was a long article in the Daily News. Yeah, it was a long Sunday feature in the Daily News. I don't know. Maybe New York went on to do something as well, but I don't think so. And that was all... That I don't 100% buy

because it's like this young, kind of hustler-y seeming guy. And I think that he just wanted to sell a story because he really had no proof at all. He was was just you know uh but at the same time isn't it actually that no one is and no one would say that they had seen him out no he hasn't he hasn't really left the house in a while but here's the thing i mean like think about it for two seconds he got fat right like he he injured himself or or like somebody broke his heart or something. Or the dog did not – The Dalmatian died.

Or the dog died. The dog, I think, did die. Something like that. And he like probably gained 25 pounds or whatever. And he doesn't – he's not able to exercise the way that he used to to take it off. And that like if you're Richard Simmons, that is the one thing you cannot do is appear in public. Right. Overweight.

I think that's a great hypothesis, Dave. I just – I mean I've thought about it a lot. I mean I guess I have also heard the – is he transitioning? There was a thing in the Inquirer or one of those that he was. But they used as proof something that he's been doing for a very long time on Facebook, which is just him in drag. Like he's just been in drag as old actresses and stuff. OK. So –

That doesn't – no. OK. I get that. Okay. So – That doesn't – no. Okay. I get that. Yeah. Yeah, and I guess he's also the subject of like – he's the perpetual internet death hoax subject. Like him and Jackie Chan for some reason. Really? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like they're always the like RIP this person. Oh, wow. I hate that. What does that do for people? I don't know. Yeah, I guess it's just a classic trolling. Yeah. But I think Richard Simmons, just to alleviate all of our anxieties, should make it a regular feature on Facebook or wherever just to take a picture of himself with the current newspaper.

Yes. Do that three times a week. Yeah. Just so we know everything's okay. That's the thing. There are no pictures. There are no pictures. So that, to me, indicates that he is not happy with his appearance.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. I guess that would be hard with the appearance. I guess he could just be face down and then maybe stretch his neck. But this could definitely be some- Yeah, play with lighting. Good angles. Late 80s Brian Wilson shit, too.

It could be. It could be. Or, you know, he could also just be fucking tired. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I say, I would imagine it is very tiring being Richard Simmons all day long. You know? I can only imagine what that's like.

I can only imagine. I mean, you can never be off if you're in public. You got to be ready to take a picture. You got to be ready to hear a story. Sure. You got to be, you know, you can't ever be like, no, I don't want to. You got to be on all the time. And he's not a young man.

Mm-hmm. So maybe this is just, you is just Richard in repose. Maybe we should just let him. Yeah, let him gray gardens inside whatever. Let some raccoons eat his house. Yeah. Let him put some sweatpants on his head. Yeah, let him and, oh gosh, who's the guy who writes all the patter for the Oscars?

Bruce Valance. Yeah, let him and Bruce Valance just gray gardens together in a mansion. They have to have had a meal together at some point. Oh, boy. To be a fly on that wall. I imagine that at some point Richard Simmons got lost in Bruce Valanche's novelty t-shirt closet. And he's like, Bruce, I'm in here. How do I get out of here?

Maybe that's where he is. He's buried under a pile of t-shirts. Of Bruce Valanci's used t-shirts. Yeah. What a way to go. I sat in front of Bruce Valanci in a movie once. And it was really thrilling. I feel like I wanted to turn around and say hello, but was too cowardly.

I watched the documentary Get Bruce once. Rented it from Blockbuster when I was in high school. And I found it very disappointing. Really? Never did see it. I thought it would be, I didn't have enough, I had just heard, I had heard the first level, which is this is a guy who writes for everything. He's like the secret funny man.

Yeah. And I watched and I was like, huh. His thing is that he wears novelty t-shirts. A different one every day. And he writes jokes that would not be out of place on 70s game shows. But he's been able to do it his entire life, so God bless him. It's kind of amazing. He's found his niche.

Yeah. He's found his niche. That's the last time I trust Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. Yeah. So let's get into Angeline. Shall we? Oh, yeah.

Because I just saw her. Yeah. Incidentally. Oh, I did too. I saw her coming Yeah. Talk about – oh, I did too. I saw her coming over to Laurel Canyon. Really? Yeah. Well, this will just be the local yokel segment of the show.

Well, I mean, I think people know. Maybe they don't. If you don't – Yeah. Can we briefly explain her? Angeline is a woman who wanted to be famous and she married wealthy and her husband also wanted her to be famous. But she didn't sing or act or do anything. She had giant breasts and big blonde hair.

And so his thing was he bought billboards all around L.A. in the 70s and 80s. If you see a movie set in Los Angeles in the 80s, there's absolutely an Angeline billboard because that is how they show you that you're in L.A. Hollywood sign, Sunset Strip, Angeline Billboard. Bob's big boy. Bob's big boy.

Yeah. So now she – I think the husband is long gone. And now she just drives around town in her pink Corvette and she'll stop and she will pretend like she doesn't want to have her picture taken, but she's, you know, she has giant blonde hair and huge boobs and a hot pink Corvette that she just sort of stands by waiting for attention. And then people will try to take pictures with her and she'll be like, no $10. And then it's, you know, cause it's West Hollywood or whatever. And people are drinking beer in the daytime. She'll get a few takers and she might sell a few t-shirts out of her, out of her trunk. I've seen her selling

stuff out of the trunk. Yeah. So that's just kind of, she's full-time Angeline? She's sort of from the too-short school of economic hustling. Please explain. Sell it out that trunk. Oh, okay. She's got mixtapes back there. For sure.

She's going to the swap meets. Absolutely. So I guess I heard a news item that she's having to sell swap meets absolutely so so i i guess i heard a news item that the she's having to sell the corvette oh really yeah again i don't doubt it i mean it's you know it's hard out there it's hard out there there are there are other famous for being famous people out there yeah uh i don't know if angeline's on instagram but it seems like yeah i bet she has to be but i mean i don't i can't imagine she's as popular as a Kylie Jenner. No, of course not. Or that woman who has the butt.

Yeah. She is a – You know that exercise butt woman? You know, exercise butt woman. You're talking about Jane Instagram? Yeah, that's her. Yeah. With the big butt.

Yeah. She's kind of a gay icon because there's something sort of inherently campy and tragic about it. And so, yeah, I saw her. I guess it was Pride Weekend or something. I was having a drink at gym. Like out in the little – This is GYM. GYM.

Yeah. You know, the sports bar. Yeah, yeah. And she pulled up and it was one of these things where she got out and it was like – it was clear that she wanted the world to see her. And then the minute somebody came up with their iPhone out, she put her purse in front of her face. I was like no $10 no $10

and you can get a card and it's and her fan club address like address address is on there and it's like an apartment number in Van Nuys

or whatever yeah I would imagine times are tough yeah but it's also like you know you've had some time

to figure prepare yeah prepare for I mean nothing lasts forever. That's true. Yeah.

Get a nice associate's degree. Get a nice. Angeline. Yeah. So you're suggesting that Angeline should pursue like aircraft maintenance? Yeah. TVVCR repair? TVVCR repair, sure.

My favorite thing about. Learn to work with your hands, Angeline. Get in there. Do it. Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. My favorite part about all of those commercials was that everything that they described, like every job, was in a different part of speech. Yeah.

So it would be like, van driver, TV VCR repair. Oh, right. Dentist. Like, some are nouns, some are verbs. Ride to the airport? Yeah. Where does that? Yeah. Yeah. Ride to the airport? Yeah. It's just like, where does that? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog operator. I don't. What? Let's just, let's give this one more draft. And then fucking put it on the air. Sally Struthers. Where are we?

It's like, what are you? This doesn't make any sense. Help, I'm trapped in this list. Yeah. Oh, Sally. We'll be back. I hope I'm trapping this list. We'll be back. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything.

Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun. What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talked to for just a couple minutes on the show, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you who listen and go to TV, TV, VCR repair. Let's grab dinner. Have a job. Okay.

Have a job. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap from inside your TV. Brought to you this week, of course,

by folks like you who go to maximum fund.org slash donate and support maximum fund. And by the good folks at BarkBox. Now BarkBox is a sort of a subscription service for dog owners. Now, Jordan. Yes. A lot of people think this is a subscription service for dogs. It's been a real problem for the people at BarkBox. Because the truth is, dogs don't have credit cards.

Yeah. Dogs can barely get to the post office to get a postal money order. Mm-hmm. Dogs can't lick stamps. Well, they can lick stamps, but they have a hard time affixing them to the envelopes. Sure. Plus, most stamps these days are self-adhesive, and they can't get them off the sheet. Oh, boy.

I mean, if you're a dog, how are you supposed to get yourself a bark box? Exactly. dog, how are you supposed to get yourself a BarkBox? Exactly. So we want to be clear. These are boxes for dog owners full of things for the dog owners to share with their dogs. Don't eat or play with the things that you get in the BarkBox. No, unless you are a dog.

Right. And you ordered it for yourself. Right. Which- If you're a hyper-competent dog. Sure. Yeah. If you're a dog with thumbs. Yeah.

Then I say go for it. Go get yourself a BarkBox. Go to BarkBox. Sure. Yeah. If you're a dog with thumbs. Yeah. Then I say go for it. Go get yourself a BarkBox. Go to BarkBox.com slash JJ. Go get yourself a BarkBox and make it happen for yourself. I want to subscribe to this. I really am. You know, I just got- Because we have a new dog.

I just got one in the mail for my two dogs. Yes. And they've been chewing happily ever since. Oh, I love it. They love it. All kinds of fancy, delightful, made in the USA and Canada treats, toys that match your dog's unique needs. Oh, I love it. I have special needs dogs.

They're gluten intolerant, right? Yeah. They're just intolerant in general. Oh, yeah, sure. They just really, they have sort of, I like to think of it as old fashioned. Yeah. They're from a different time. They're from a different time. They're from a different generation.

Richard Simmons and Don Rickles. Yeah. So if you want to get up on BarkBox, you get a free extra month for listening to Jordan, Jesse, Go. Just visit BarkBox.com slash JJGo and subscribe. That's BarkBox.com slash JJGo. It really is full of lots of lovely things. As I said, I got one, and my dogs have been in dog heaven. Great.

Ever since. Great. I also want to remind listeners that Max Fun Con East is coming up. Labor Day weekend in the Poconos in the northeastern United States. It's an easy drive from New York City. Carpool it if you're worried about getting there. Not only do we have – me and Jordan are going to be there. The McElroys are all going to be there. When I say the McElroys, we currently have a list of –

Yeah, McElmore is going to be there. Ryan Lewis cannot be there. That's fine. Very indecreasingly superfluous to the Macklemore and Ryan Lewis experience. There's a real open question as to who's going to stand behind Macklemore silently. But, you know, we've got some options. Sure. We've got options.

Angeline's looking for work. Yeah. We're thinking about maybe getting Joe Biden. Great. Do you think Ryan Lewis would be less, would be considered more of a collaborator and less of a punchline if he just had changed his name to like Duke Goobler or something? Like, oh, it's Macklemore and Duke Goobler. Yeah.

Like, hey, it's those two guys with those names. Like, he mistakenly just had a guy's name. Yeah. Yeah, I'll buy that. Jordan, I know that we got this grab a t-shirt going on, but can we make a t-shirt that just says Duke Goobler? I guess. I'm done with Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. Can we just be all about Duke Goobler?

Yeah, I guess. Because we needed a go-to nonsense name. I mean, I want Ryan Lewis to have that. Because he has fallen into this punchline zone. Anyway. Has he? Or has Macklemore? Yeah, maybe the whole operation has lost its credibility.

I don't hate him. No, hard to hate. No, but he makes it easy to kind of make fun of him a little bit. Sure, yeah. I think it's like, all right, this was a little silly. Yeah. I feel bad for him. Again and again.

He's just doing his best. I don't think you need to feel bad. I mean like he's – I think within his community, from what I understand, he's still really well-respected. What's his community? Like the Seattle sort of scene or whatever. As I understand it, not well-respected in the Seattle scene. Huh. Well, I have heard just the opposite.

And I don't remember from who. So I'm probably right. I will say this. I will say this. Number one, the Seattle scene, not a vibrant one. Okay. Hip hop turns. I mean, I'm not saying they haven't contributed things historically.

Sure. You don't know what's going on. I mean, how much time are you spending? You shouldn't go see Blue Scholars if they come visit your college town. Okay. It's going to be a good solid underground hip-hop show. Great. But, you know, it's not like all the biggest hip-hop stars

are bursting forth from Seattle at the moment. I gotcha. But yeah, I think the reputation that I've heard is that he's a really decent guy. Okay. I know some people who are real hip-hop grumpuses who have spent time with him and know him and said he's a really nice guy and a bright guy and his heart's definitely actually in the right place.

It's not a trick. He's no Duke Goobler, though. He's no Duke Goobler. No Duke Goobler. He's no Goobler. Anyway, if you want to come hang out at MaxFunCon East with all of us, learn some amazing stuff. We've got some amazing speakers. Our friend Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour is going to be there.

I know. She's the best. So good. MaxFunConEast. Hour is going to be there. The greatest. I know. She's the best. So good. MaxFunConEast.com is the place to go. And we got 10,000 other wonderful things that I'm not even listing that are going to be there. So not MaxFunConEast.com. MaxFunCon.com.

And you can get your tickets right this very second. Dave, you just did something with Linda, right? I sure did. Yeah. She hosted my little book event in Washington, D.C. last week, the night after publication. Did you get Glenn Weldon out there, too? I sure did. Oh, boy.

Yeah. That's a double team. That's a double punch of great pow-pows. It was really great, yeah. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him too much. That guy's so lovely. But he's really cool. Love that guy.

Love that Glenn Weldon. He's a good guy. Love Linda Holmes. Linda is just fantastic. If Linda Holmes didn't exist, Jordan, who would I cry to when I was visiting National Public Radio's headquarters in Washington, D.C.? I can't just go up to Linda Wertheimer's desk and complain about how nobody wants to pick up my public radio show and everyone wants to talk about the future of public radio. But when they say that, they just mean radio lab? I mean, maybe you can go.

I'm sure National Public Radio has a complaint pod you can go into. Guy Raz would probably listen. Guy Raz. What a great name. I talked to Guy Raz. Guy Rizdal. Great names. All the way around.

I talked to Guy Raz about his bicycle. Jerry Glazer. Jerry Glazer. Kajon Cermak. Oh, yeah. We're getting into local. We're shouting out the local crew. Big ups to Sandin Totten out there.

Sandin Totten. Sandin Totten might be a Jordan Jesse Goh listener. I've corresponded with Sandin Totten. Get him in here. Yeah, we'll get Totten in here. You don't think I've got the power to bring in Totten? Got to get a Totten. Get that Totten.

You know, one time Kyrus Dahl on Twitter agreed to come on Jordan Jesse Go, and then I DM'd him to follow up and emailed him, and he didn't email me and DM me back. That's cruel. I don't know whether that's just because he's too busy snapping people's necks because he's a former Navy SEAL. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. Or if it's just because he's busy. Yeah.

Or he listened to Jordan Jesse Go. I think that's the most likely explanation. I think if someone drops off the communication chain, they've perhaps looked a little closer into what they've agreed to do. Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway. I enjoy it. Moral of the story is this.

We'll get Sand and Totten. We got a lot of guest booked right now, but we'll get Sand and Totten. Before the end of the year. Yeah. Before the end. That's our promise. Yeah. Get Sandin Totten. Before the end of the year. Yeah, before the end. That's our promise. Yeah. Get ready, Totten.

That's what we're running on. We will deliver local Los Angeles NPR science reporter Sandin Totten to you in calendar year 2016. If he wants to, which he might not. He might not want to. Sandin Totten's not doing anything. Hey, guys, if you're out there, get at Totten on Twitter. Hit up Sand and Totten. Yeah.

Christian, what's Sand and Totten's Twitter handle? Christian's looking it up so we can give it to people. We're going to get on Twitter. It's at Sand and Totten. Okay. I am no closer to understanding how that would be spelled So could you spell that for me? I'm going to say S-A-N-D-E-N

T-O-T-T-E-N Is that right? That's sort of what I was picturing But with a Cajun on Cermak I'm lost, I have no idea I don't know And Guy Raz, same way Guy Rizdal, same way I Kai Risdell, same way.

Yeah. I think these are all spelled with a series of, I don't think they are spelled using a traditional alphabet that we would recognize. I think it's a series of pictographs. I see. Guy Raz is very handsome and he has a short beard like you. Really? Like a two-day growth and very intense eyes. Oh, I love it.

He'll lock into you great i love that he's a good man guy ross socialized with cajun sermac really she's a lovely woman and a lot of fun uh i have said this before and i'll say it here um my favorite thing about all npr people is that they say their own names like they're apologizing because it's all like when they when they say the name it's like i'm michelle norris you know what i mean like they're just uh i wish i weren't yeah it's just like we're very we tried our best but i'm still robert seagull okay barkbox.com slash jj go and maxflunkon.com to buy those tickets we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Dave Holmes, paid spokesperson. I have good news, guys. I have had a full summer boy experience this past week. Oh, boy. I mean, you, I'm not, I'm not saying that it wasn't a summer boy experience that you hung out on this very program last week with our friend Allison Rosen.

Yeah. Oh, she's great. Ain't she? That was a delight. Sure. Every Jordan Jesse Goh listener knows that because they already listened to last week's episode in the process of catching up. But I also had some summer boy activities. I went to the Berkshires.

Now, the last time we talked, I did not know where the Berkshires was, and you also did not. Yes. Despite the fact that you were going there. Yes, that's true. Have you discovered what state that is in? I have not looked it up since then. I knew which airports you could fly into.

Okay. Because I had been given a list of them by my host. Yes. because I have been given a list of them by my host. Yes. It is in Western Massachusetts, or as our friend Dave Shumka called it on Instagram, Belknap country.

Ah. After our good friend Matt Belknap from the Never Not Funny podcast. With the great voice. West Massachusetts. Would have said upstate New York. Glad to have been corrected. I would have said Pennsylvania. Yeah, that would have been my second choice. Like near Amish country.

That's what I was envisioning. It is basically all of those things. Okay. Not upstate, but downstate New York, and then Pennsylvania, and I guess Connecticut or something. Gotcha. I don't really know where these states are. Yeah. To me, these are all just a haze of places where New York-based talk show hosts live.

Mm-hmm, you know, like they, they get driven there in a limousine as soon as the show taping is over. Yep. And then they, uh, and then they grow a beard and haunt the main street of the town. Yeah.

The delight of, uh, photographers. Exactly. So it's maybe you drive down the Massachusetts turnpike or the mass pike, uh, which is a weird, like,

it's like a weird, like, it's like a weird secret road that goes across and you have to pay $2. A lot of people know about it. We'll tell you a lot of people know about the Massachusetts Turnpike. But I mean, it's like bounded, like it's like bounded by forests. Sure. But it costs $2 to ride on. Yeah. Depending on where you're going.

Got a rental car here? Yeah. What do you got? We got ourselves a nice- A Kia Jump? No, we got ourselves a full size. You got a Hyundai Blimp? No, we got ourselves a Ford.

I like naming a fake rental car. A Ford what? Ford, there are all kinds of Fords. Fusion? Okay. That's the full size, I believe. Ford Fusion. It's the one that smells like cigarette smoke.

Probably the midsize, yeah. And has a really surprisingly large amount of stains on the upholstery, considering it's only got 10,000 miles on the odometer. Now, in fairness, this is not a Ford thing. This is a shitty rental car. This is a budget rental car issue. Okay, well, there you go. Thinking of the Ford crap. Yeah.

Not a cheap rental, by the way. A very expensive rental as it turned out. Duh, boy. There's nothing worse than a car that smells like smoke. There's some amazing things about the mass turnpike.

It has these turnouts that are like, they're like toll plazas meets rest stops. Yeah. And you'll get a Roy Rogers. And all they have- What's a Roy Rogers?

I mean, I know it's like a Cherry Coke, but- No. No, no, no, no. No, it's a fast food chain. Yeah. Oh, like a regional thing? Like, well, yeah, I guess it must be. I believe it's owned by Roy Rogers.

What are you getting at a Roy Rogers? You get a burger. Okay. You get a pre-made burger. It's like a Kenny Rogers Roasters. Oh, okay. So you just get a rotisserie chicken in your car to eat between your knees? Yeah.

They all have the exact same golf station, McDonald's drive-thru, and then little travel plaza. It's the weirdest fucking thing in the world. It's so creepy. And I know that it's totally normal to people in the Northeast. And they're like, why is this weird? weird. All freeways have exact match rest stops every 25 miles with the exact same businesses and the exact same configurations carved out of a weird forest. Yep. Yep.

That tracks. That's about every 15 miles you get your Roy Rogers. Also... I don't know if you get that anymore. I did this in New Hampshire for a wedding recently. I drove along a similar road. And yeah, it was Dunkin' Donuts and Sonics. Yeah. In these little, like, enclaves.

Lucky New Hampshire. If I were to ask you to describe a Toll Plaza employee, I'm going to ask each of you in turn, starting with our guest, David Holmes, author of Party of One. That's correct. How would you describe a Toll Plaza employee?

Well, I mean, there's really no one kind of Toll Plaza employee. I mean, they are as America is. Yeah. A rich tapestry. It's diverse. But when I stop and think about it, I see transitions lenses. That was also difficult to get out. Sure.

I see a severe ponytail. I see a name like Beth. Yeah. Okay, Jordan, what are you imagining? I am also seeing a thick lens. Yeah. I'm also seeing a ponytail. Yeah.

This is on a man named Clint. Oh, interesting. Yeah, so this is like an older guy, maybe like half retired, semi-retired. Sure. And he's man in the booth. Beard, same color as face. Yes. Yeah, sure.

What if I told you that in Massachusetts, toll plazas are manned not by middle-aged transitions, lens-wearing, uniformed union employees. I didn't say anything about middle-aged. But by chill local teens. Chill local teens? Yeah, just chill local teens. Just like a fun bro? Hanging out.

Just like a summer gig? A dude said to me, what did he say? He said, hey, bro. He said that to me in the toll plaza. Hey, bro. Wow. I'm stunned. Yeah, me too.

There was a young woman in a toll booth. I don't know why we're all having trouble with toll booths. Had just graduated from a local community college with a degree in, you know, child something. Yeah. You know, something. Who was attractive? Okay, yeah. I don't think I've ever – this is – I like toll booth employees.

I want to make that clear. This is not about my personal feelings about whether I would like to be friends with a toll booth. I always enjoy having a nice interaction with a toll booth employee. Like, oh, thank you. Have a good day. Why can't we say it? Why have we all said toll booth? Toll booth, toll Tollbooth.

You know, I really grew up loving the book The Phantom Tollbooth. So I think that's how I ended up this way. I mean, I always love throwing my change in the old Toblerone. Fuck, shit. I said Toblerone. Also, the Massachusetts Turnpike is a freeway with a logo. The logo is a pilgrim hat. Like a one-color pilgrim hat on a freeway sign.

Yeah. I guess just because there's pilgrims in Massachusetts. Well, they landed there. Right? I don't think they use a lot of turnpikes. Well, but still, we honor them. We honor them As we make a pilgrimage You know

From one Dunkin Donuts to the other They pilgrimized From religious oppression To the Dunkin Donuts That is America As we bring our families From the danger and oppression of Boston To the freedom of Worcester

Worcester. Worcester is a city where Dunkin' Donuts locations have Dunkin' Donuts kiosks inside them. Yeah. Have you ever been to Worcester? I went to college in Worcester. Oh, yeah. It's exclusively Dunkin' Donuts. It's the only business in all of Worcester.

I guess that's new. That's fairly new. Okay. There certainly were some there. I guess that's new. That's fairly new. Okay. I mean, there certainly were some there, but they- I spent like two or three days there, and I'm talking about 15 years ago. And all I could think was, how is it possible that this is a city of whatever, 200,000 or whatever it is. It's a small to mid-sized city that is exclusively Dunkin' Donuts. Like the only enterprise in the entire

city. Wow. Like three on each block. I don't remember it that way. I just remember ruin and sadness is basically what I remember. But punctuated by Dunkin' Donuts. Dirt lots and three family houses that were like tilted. It's a rough city.

What was the landscape? I mean, if not Duncan's, what did you guys have there? What did we have there? That's a good question. Well, we had Roy Rogers. Oh, sure. We had – there were a lot of – there weren't a ton of chains nearby. Yeah.

There was a College Street Grinders. Oh, yeah. That's what they call a sub. They call it a grinder. But also we kind of kept to ourselves like it was up on this hill and uh like a gorgeous campus and like some you know like if you lived off campus you lived within a half mile so we didn't really like get out into worcester a bunch you didn't mix with the townies didn't really mix with the town

you know what i mean uh yeah it was kind of well i'll tell you what's what they got there yeah dunkin donuts okay well so we know fucking dunkin donuts duly noted this may have changed in the 10 or 15 years since i was there yeah i just it is stuck out of my mind ever since that i can't believe that that there could be so like one on top of another yeah it was like a sim city that's joke city where the joke is how many Dunkin Donuts Can you put in one place I had no idea So you're doing this pike drive Yeah and we drove out to the Hampshire's

What's that called? Berkshire's This is a beautiful forest It's really nice That's the name of the forest The Berkshire's It's like forests in semi-mountains. Okay.

And the Appalachian Trail. Oh. That goes through there. Sure. And they got a James Taylor concert there. I went to that. Was it an outdoor amphitheater? Yeah, giant outdoor amphitheater.

Great acoustics. I'm going to say 14,885 white people and 15 people of color at this James Taylor concert. James Taylor sounds gorgeous. Yeah. Really couldn't sound better considering his age. And you're just like, wow. You have two feelings going on at the same time. One is James Taylor is really brilliant, like beautiful songs, spectacular voice, incredible band.

Yep. And it's like this incredible experience. You're out on a lawn eating a picnic and there's white children dancing and this whole beautiful thing is going on. But it is also very boring. So it's like these two things, like James Taylor, he does like some Motown covers. Sure.

And like some, you know, like he did a blues number. Yeah. They all sound like James Taylor songs though. So like he has these iconic songs, you know, but when he's singing, I'veen Fire and I've Seen Rain, that sounds exactly the same as when he's singing his Otis Redding tribute.

Sure. Like, they sound like the same song. Some would say he's made those songs his own. That's a good point. That's a good point. He makes everything 1,000% Taylor-ier. I was going to say, did he have them tailored? What? Did he have them

tailored? My music teacher in third grade taught us Fire and Rain and told us that it was about when the future robot rebellion. And that it was sung from the

point of view of the last – there are two people left who haven't been turned into robots. Like they put robot chips in your head or whatever and then you just become a robot. And so it's a man and a woman and they're the last – they're the last like humans left. You know what? That's also what Margaritaville is about. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Everybody knows that. Sorry, I don't know. That's common knowledge. also what margaritaville is about yes it is yes it is everybody knows that sure uh but he noticed he like she turns into a robot and and so then it's just him and he's the last one and he tries to fight them but then at the end he doesn't remember he doesn't remember him his humanity anymore he doesn't remember who to send the letter to which actually is kind of more in the first verse but whatever wow it freaked us all out and like to a person the the people who i went to grade school with who i still keep in touch with we can't like we can't really listen to that song without thinking of the war the coming war between man and future robot rebellion yeah you know so it's a it's such a tough genre of concert to go to a you know acoustic guitar guy

yeah it's really dependent on you knowing all of the songs and loving him. I feel like it being something that can sustain more than 30 minutes, you know? And this was a, there was no opener and it was like a two and a half, three hour show. Whoa. There was an intermission. There was an intermission. That's a nerf. And I'll also say this for James.

Like, I feel like I'm in, I don't want to insult James Taylor because, as I said, he really did sound fantastic and had a great band. And you could tell that these were, like, wonderful songs. And he was actually very sweet and funny in between the songs. Like, he had banter that did not seem canned and was genuinely fun. Uh-huh. banter that did not seem canned and was genuinely fun. And he just projects decency into the world. It's just that it's hard to stay awake. Yeah, I went to see

I went to see like an evening with Elvis Costello a couple months ago. This was like a semi, you know, a solo-ish acoustic thing he did for his book that came out. And it was kind of like a, you know... know, a solo-ish acoustic thing he did for his book that came out. And it was kind of like a, you know. When you say solo-ish, you mean that he's like doing a one-man band thing?

Yeah, he has cymbals between his knees. He's just doing Step In Time from Mary Poppins. There is a band that opens for him that is two two sisters i think uh and they play kind of uh you know kind of rocky bluegrass music and they will come out and accompany him on things that's where the soloish comes from gotcha uh and you know so it's kind of like my life my life in songs and he tells some stories and does some songs and it is uh you know and he's one of my faves and uh you know i was sitting there and it's you know it's also a two and some change affair and just halfway through i'm like wow this is fucking amazing i am so glad i get to see this like you know this is i'm you know

glad i got to do this i'm so lucky to be here but also if this wasn't my favorite guy in the world this would be so fucking boring yeah i didn't love this guy and i hadn't like read this 600 page book that he had come out with where i know that he's projecting pictures of his you know grandma who was a nurse in world war one like if i didn't know that is a that was a fucking dense book too boy yeah i read that book and elvis costello is not my favorite guy. When I say that, it sounds like I'm saying I don't like Elvis Costello. I do like Elvis Costello. It's just not your favorite. It's just not my – literally.

When I say that, I mean it literally, not as a – and yeah, that book is dense as fuck. Yeah, Ben has been slugging away at that book for months now. And not a lot of people said no to Elvis Costello on the editorial side when he was writing that book. Yeah, he chose a publisher who was just going to be like, yeah, do whatever you please. Yeah, I think to be expected for a guy who for a long time would just make an album a year with a lot of bad songs on them. Like really, this is the book of the guy who does that. Sure. I really liked reading it too. I tease its length, this is the book of the guy who does that. Sure. I really liked reading it too.

I tease its length, but it was a really good book. But yeah, definitely the like, you know, like if you're seeing some high energy music, you know, if you don't know all the songs, you can let the, you know, spirit of the music and the dancing or whatever carry you through the course. That can become tedious, too. Sure. When you say high energy music, do you mean music possessed of high energy or do you mean high NRG, the genre of electronic dance music mostly known for being like what they bring basketball teams onto the court? I'd love to go and see it. That would be really fun.

A festival concert of that just all day long? Jock jams? Y'all ready for this? Sure. Yes. There should be a Jock Jams tour. Shouldn't there?

There has to have been one. Shouldn't there be a Jock Jams where we get everybody? The Venga Boys. Oh, get them out there. Everybody else. Who else is on the... Who else is...

Montel Jordan. Sure. What are some other popular Jock Jams? Oh. Oh. What are some other popular jock jams? Oh. Oh. God damn it. Dancing all night.

Too Unlimited. Who's that? What's that song? I think that's Y'all Ready for This. Okay. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, So.

Horrific. I also. Straight from shitty, terrible gay bars to Madison Square Garden. I did some- Directly. I did some other summer activities while I was there. That was probably, I mean, 4th of July James Taylor concert with fireworks to follow was probably the number one. How long did the kids last?

They made it through, but oh oh boy, that show just kept, that concert just kept going on and on and on. Yeah. But, I mean, you know, you know what you're in for. If he starts when the sun is high in the sky,

you know what you're in for. They also immediately started crying when the fireworks started because they were not prepared for the amount of intensity that is fireworks. They both got over it

pretty soon because they were wonderful fireworks. The fireworks I saw this year were really great. There was a commercial drone flying around them. Some guy had a drone and was drone filming them, I guess. Yeah. I wanted to get shot down so fucking bad.

I was so fixed. I couldn't think about america or that you know all she stands for yeah sure amber waves of grain i just wanted to see this fucking drone get wailed out of the sky by a firework so bad oh i wanted it so bad well i you'll be glad to know that one of my summer boy activities at so uh longtime Jordan Jesse Go listener supporter, a friend of mine named Jenny, has this estate in the Berkshires. She and her husband do.

And it is like a full, like, full on, like this is, it's like big enough that there's like six pieces of heavy equipment on site that just belong to the place. Big TVs. Excavators. Oh, I see. Talking about excavators, box trucks. I was thinking like a-

Blu-ray players. Yeah, like a multi-CD changer. So big, gorgeous- That's how you know you've made it. Yeah. Six discs. Six discs. Big, gorgeous place.

And they host all these friends and family for the 4th of July holiday. It was really fun. And her husband is named Dan, and he is a CEO of a major corporation. And he has the most – Jenny is like cooking for 15 people, a wonderful cook, cooking for these 15 people that are staying at her house. It's like seven generations of every friend of theirs and these lovely children that was very disconcerting all of the children at this event ranging from 6 to 15 work thoughtful and polite the entire time it was very weird there was a teenager we were talking about Archie comics the other day. There was a teenager that I think could not have been closer to my mind's eye if I were to picture a contemporary version of teenage Dave Holmes.

Really? His book, just handsome, self-possessed, disarmingly considerate, just like so pleasant to every member of their family, strong opinions about musical theater. Great. All the teens had strong opinions about musical theater. One of the girl teens had just gotten back from musical camp. There was a big discussion about Lin-Manuel Miranda. You will be shocked to hear. Those are going on in every household in America right now.

But this young man could not have been – like I was trying to goad him because I was so upset that any teenager would be this polite and considerate and present like to their parents, to their relatives, to strangers. I'm a stranger to this 15-year-old. But you know what? Like people raise their children differently now. Your kids are going to be different. You think they're going to be nice? Yes, I do. I think they're going to be nice.

I think it's easier to be nice when you have parents who are a little more solicitous of who you are as you grow. Really? And not just like, you got to be like this, you got to be like that. That's what teenage frustration is all about. You're like, you don't understand me. I want to try things. I want to spread my wings. You're not letting me.

If you let them, then it's like, yeah, they're probably nice. They're probably nice. Well, anyway, this kid was reading. There was just a moment before we left where he was just splayed out on a couch just languorously, handsomely. I love this kid. Reading an Archie comic. Yes. There you go.

Those are fascinating. There you go. But anyway. Dave, do you know anything about Archie comics or have any idea as to who is the contemporary reader of Archie comics? I guess we've got one category, which is well-behaved, smart teens who are going places. Riley Smurl from the McElroy affiliated MaxFun podcast, still buffering,

apparently is a world-class expert on Archie comics. When this came up on the show a couple weeks ago, I got a number of tweets that I should be talking to Riley Smurl about this. I'll be damned. I don't think that there is

a single community that gravitates toward them. I think there are a few people in every community. It's like trains. Like the booker, the baker, and the candlestick maker? Exactly. So the next time I'm at a – The booker, by the way, is the word I said instead of butcher. Yeah.

I got it. No, I think it's just – it's one of those things that cuts across. It's like true crime shows. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Like a few people in every community and every demographic. Just people kind of gravitate to it. So maybe the next time there's a – I'm at a dinner party or just like at a bar with some friends and some friends of friends.

Yeah. And there's a lull in conversation. I'm like, okay, which one of you guys likes Archie Comics? Sure. And one person will raise of friends. Yeah. And there's a lull in conversation. I'm like, okay, which one of you guys likes Archie comics? Sure. And one person will raise their hand. Yeah. If you are at a dinner party of a hundred. Okay.

Yeah. I also went shooting. Mm-hmm. Gun shooting? Yes. So Dan. Skeet shooting? Dan, the husband of this family.

Fleek shooting? As I mentioned, is the CEO of a major american corporation and you can tell right away like he peep shooting like you throw up a marshmallow peep he's blasted out of the air he stands at all times like he's about to do krav maga but also might put his arm around your shoulder and really help you with some shit. And he, because he's a major CEO of a major corporation, he was just there for two days of the five days that we were there, just for a weekend.

And this was just like, I just heard through the grapevine when we got there. Jenny said to me, Dan wants to know if you've ever shot a gun. And I was like, whoa, that is not the first question I was expecting upon arriving at a friend's country home. You're assuming you're in for a most dangerous game or a target. Exactly. Exactly. But instead, they had a skeet shooting area. Jeep shooting. Jeep shooting.

With towers that shoot pigeons, clay pigeons out of them. Yep. You say pull, they go. Yep. They go. And then a target shooting area for handguns. And I shot both handguns and skeets. And I was okay.

Did you hit anything? I hit a lot of things at the handgun. I did not hit any pigeons. No pigeons. But I actually did pretty good at the handgun. I shot the thing every time. You mean the sheriff? Yeah.

But you didn't miss one key. God, you get double points if you hit that goddamn deputy. Yeah, yeah. Well, good for you. Skate shooting is kind of fun. I hate guns. Yeah, yeah. Well, good for you. Yeah. Skate shooting's kind of fun. I hate guns. I hate them. The shooting range there,

they call it, they're chosen people. They call it DFWTJ. They're like, I'm going up to, I'm taking Jesse, I'm taking Jesse up to DFWTJ. DFWTJ stands for Don't Fuck With The Jews.

Oh, boy. Which I like a lot. Sure. That is a piece of business that I like a lot. I like the idea that there is an Israeli self-defense camp on campus. Great. Like they're ready to have a personal shooting range just in case anybody, yeah. Wow.

Good thing they're white. I think that's fun. Right? Yeah. So they're not going to. Like any heavily fortified encampment really benefits from the people being white. And also having ticket stubs to a James Taylor concert. Yes.

Ready to produce. Yes. In case the government comes in. It's like, wait, we stubs to a James Taylor concert. Yes. Ready to produce. Yes. In case the government comes in. It's like, wait, we've been to see James Taylor recently. Yeah. Would you like to fish for rainbow trout? Dave. Yes. You're a guy who I think of as

taking full advantage of summertime. I think so. Do you have any summer boy shit planned or in your recent past? Yeah. I managed to run around New York City on Pride Weekend like a teenager. Oh, great. That's how it's fucking fun.

And then – but now it's like sort of book tour season. Okay. But then I think toward the end of the summer we're going to do like Provincetown or Fire Island or something. I'm going to splash out. Just something gay. Something real fucking summery and gay. Just going on a real summer vacation. Short shorts.

Just get the fuck after it. That sounds fun. Doesn't that sound fun? If you go to Fire Island, I imagine you got some kind of local entertainment entertainment going on some kind of uh what do you mean I just feel like there's uh there's like a club for old gay guys where the weather girls are playing no that's called Fire Island that's just what it all is and it's and it's everybody it's young and old and black and white and and it's just it's just fucking crazy and I love

there's like a there's like a summer stock production that stars Rip Taylor. There's a local theater. Yeah, and that's generally the caliber. But yeah, it's great. There are a couple little towns that are just like fully, you know, you're just in like gay heaven. It's fun. It's really, really nice. I'm not the hugest beach guy in the world, but I will make an exception for those kinds of communities.

You don't like a beach? I don't dislike a beach. You have a beach pod, Dave. I don't just go to a beach. Dave, you've got a beach pod. Oh, thanks. But I mean, I would never in a million years go to like Venice Beach and hang out. What would you prefer?

Beach visit or chill in poolside? Oh, poolside. Yeah. 100%. I kind of like chill in poolside too. Yeah, 100%. It's kind of like a, you know, every time I- It's yours.

Yeah. Or it's your friends or whatever and then every by default yours right yeah what's time every time i'm like uh you know staying in a hotel recently i'm like oh boy i gotta make some time for chilling poolside love to do a little reading yeah yeah that's what i want to do at the beach too my wife thinks it's so weird what just got no interest in doing anything at the beach other than reading what is there to do that is not that gazing boring body surfing no grabbing a seagull out of the air is that what you do at the beach well i guess there's like there's i've i see people playing a thing with a ball and paddles oh yeah that paddle thing with a little

with a little like ping pong ball type deal yeah no no and the and paddles? Oh, yeah, that paddle thing with a little ping-pong ball type deal? Yeah. No. No. And the wooden paddles and the little ping-pong ball type deal? Okay, I thought that you were describing the thing with the ball and the elastic. No, not boing, boing, boing. Which you can do anyway. That's a hard rubber ball. That is a hard rubber ball. I'm talking about the beach paddle thing.

Yes, I guess it's that then. I'd like to do the one with the little thing that's like a hand-sized lacrosse stick. Yeah. With the little basket and you'll... Yeah. A little highlight type of a deal? I'll do any beach ball game.

World's fastest game highlight? Except for tackle football. I don't want to get tackled. I don't... I have no need to get tackled. Nope. Like, I'm an adult man. I like sports, which, Dave, you don't like sports, right?

Not a ton. I mean, you like athletic activities, but you don't like sports. Yeah, I don't follow sports. So, like, I like sports. I would love to play flag football with you. I don't need to play tackle football. No, you don't. I don't. There's no reason for me to do that.

That hurts. Can I tell you some good news? May I? Yeah. Can I tell you some good news? May I? Yeah. Can I tell you what is the easiest thing to avoid in adulthood? What's that? Getting tackled. Like, if you don't want to get tackled, guess what? Just don't put your hands up and try and catch the pass?

Don't get yourself involved in that game. No one's ever going to make you. And in your workplace, no one's ever going to tackle you. It's just not going to happen. Yeah, it seems like this is something that's come up and it's sticking in your craw. You've never been invited to play a tackle football game at the beach? No. Really? Yeah, I mean, I guess as a kid, but not in adulthood.

No. I feel like five times I've been invited to play a tackle football game at the beach. I don't know if I'm just going to the beach with too many jocks. Yeah, I guess so. You guys know about my jock lifestyle. You and Roscoe, Moose. Wall-to-wall jocks in my life, Dave. Goober.

You hang out at Jim. Wall-to-wall. What do you expect? It's a rough and tumble crowd. I am fascinated by Jim, G-Y-M. It's in West Hollywood. That is correct. There's also one in New York.

Is it a jock-themed gay bar? It is a sports-themed gay bar. Okay. And there are, I mean, yeah, there are like gay guys who love sports. There are also gay guys who love to tell you how much they love sports because they're like desperate to convince you that they're a different kind of gay person than they are. Because they're having an identity crisis. They're having an

identity crisis. And some people just genuinely love it and you can tell who those are because they never talk about it. You know what I mean? But it's also, it seems like every time I go and I like it because there's like a patio and it's good people watching and whatever. Yeah, like a patio. But there's also – it seems like every time I go – and I like it because there's like a patio and it's good people watching and whatever. Yeah, like a patio. But there's almost always like a softball league or a kickball league or a dodgeball league or something and they've just had a game and they all go to the gym.

So it's like – yeah, it's like where you go if you're in some kind of a league that requires you to wear long socks. Yeah, I can see that. Where you all have to go drink somewhere in matching t-shirts. Yes. Where you all have to go drink somewhere in matching t-shirts. Yes. Growing up in my neighborhood in San Francisco, I felt like I was constantly being menaced by roving gay softball teams. Is that true? Just super athletic gay guys who looked like sportsmen of 1974 to 6.

Yeah. 74 to 6. Yeah. Just like short shorts, a lot of medium build muscles. Great. And mustaches. Oh. Just like 36-year-old to 39-year-old.

This is so up my alley. I'm booking it. Just wandering around. My summer thing is just wandering San Francisco looking for dodgeball and baseball and softball teams. That's all I'm going to do. How are the apps at gym? They don't have apps. They don't have apps. Really?

Not a single app? Nope. How are the wings? No wings. Really? No food. Why would you? I don't understand what a sports bar is that does not have wings, I guess.

It doesn't have a kitchen. There's nothing they can do about it. Huh. Can you order wings in? They do have Michelob Ultra in the bottle. Oh, well. It doesn't have a kitchen. There's nothing they can do about it. Huh. Can you order wings in? They do have Michelob Ultra in the bottle. Oh, well, okay. Very popular choice. All right.

I'm back on board. Yeah. I'll bring my own wings. Perfect. I'll bring a pocket full of hot wings. That was, by the way, probably my favorite Spin Doctors album. A pocket full of hot wings. Yeah.

It was the one after the hit. Yeah. But they still had it. It was a lot of hot wings. Yeah. It was the one after the hit. Yeah. But they still had it. It was their Zingala Maduni. Oh, good grab. Thank you. Dave, you mentioned book tour. Yes.

Do you have to do or go anywhere weird for that? No, not really. And so far, like the first couple weeks are kind of the ones that the publisher sets up for you. Um, and so it's just been New York, DC, going to my hometown of St. Louis, uh, next week and then Los Angeles, uh, on July 13th, if you happen to be in the area, St. Louis is July 11th. I don't know when this goes up.

Uh, Dave also going to be on bullseye, uh, in the coming weeks. Yes, I am. Yeah. And, uh, and at midnight and at midnight both y'all shows i've read i want i'm gonna and thank you for considering at midnight my show because i think a lot of people see your show a lot of people chris's show yeah see it in their like lennon and gerrard's show as at midnight with chris hardwick yeah but i think those in the know yeah know that it's at midnightnight brought to you by Jordan Morris.

That's exactly correct. That's exactly correct. I want to throw in an endorsement here. Yes. I've only read the first half of Dave's book so far because I basically I tore through the first half then realized I'd better save it until closer to when I was interviewing him. So I did not forget the content of the book. And it's a week yet from when we're recording this that I'm going to be interviewing Dave about the book but I

was so happy to find that Dave is as charming and funny and fascinating in print as he is on the microphone as you've heard and I just have really been enjoying the shit out of it and I read a lot of

I read a lot of entertainers memoir out of it thanks and i read a lot of uh i read a lot of entertainers memoirs of various stripes and uh i would be giving it faint praise if i did not actually think it was good uh but yeah dave can really dave can really write like dave is a real writer and uh and very charming and funny thank you in prose. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. I recommend this book to people. Thanks. Thanks. In case people are worried it's some cash-in book where Dave's just cashing in on his

International Waters fame. Sure. Yeah, my mild to moderate podcast and talking head show fame. Yeah. Yeah, no. I am not able to rest on my lawyers. My lawyers.

My laurels. Dear frequent Never Not Funny guest Dave Holmes, I am an editor. We have $1 million with your name on it. Swimming at Scrooge McDuck style. No, no, you got to, yeah. But it is a delightful, delightful book. Thank you very much. So, you did something with our pal Linda Holmes.

I did. From the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. I did. That was in D.C. I did my New York event the night the book came out. It was with Craig Finn from The Hold Study. That's not bad. Who is, like, one of my top favorite people in the world.

Sure. Sounds like a constructive summer you're having, Dave. That's right. Goddamn right we're going to build something this summer. Yeah. And he's great. He's, like, Dave. That's right. Goddamn right we're going to build something this summer. And he's great. He's like a former creative writing teacher. So he knows his stuff and it was great. We had a lovely dinner

and then this great event. It was awesome. In St. Louis it'll be Steve Potter from KWMU. I don't know if you're familiar with that station. It's an NPR station, I believe. Can you put in a good word? Yes, I absolutely will.

And then at Book Soup, I'll be with Frangela. Oh, Frangela. It's fun to have somebody to like. It's a little talking head reunion. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I've known them since the dawn of time. Oh, wow.

They were my teachers at Second City back in the day. Oh, that's cool. Wait, as a team? No. Okay. Wait. Oh, as a team? No.

Well, yeah. There were some things that they did together, yeah. That's great. Yeah. I like to imagine that they live in an apartment together. They don't, but they might as well. And go to the juice bar together and each of them drinks a juice next to each other. You're not far off on the truth. Okay.

And then after that, I will probably set some up, but it's up to me then to do that. Unless it becomes like this super blockbuster or whatever, but I would like to start. I mean, I bet somebody could get at Dave Holmes on Twitter if they wanted to set up something for Dave. Come to your bookstore? I'm not going to say no. I mean, look, we got connections in the publishing industry. It's mostly just Bucky Sinister. But Bucky Sinister knows how to set some shit up in San Francisco.

Sure. People get you at Litquake. Great. Go do Litquake. I would love to. I would love to. Who works at Powell's Books? Yeah, I would love to get to Powell's Books. I would love to get to City Lights. I would love to get to Roscoe Books.

Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. If we don't have at least one listener who works at each of those places except Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Just being realistic here. Yeah. If we don't have at least one of those, a listener who works at at least one of those, who works at every one of those places, we should have at least one listener. Yeah. I think that's probably true. Fucking put in a good word for Dave Holmes holmes you know the guy who does the

events yeah you know him or her come on art from ground control get this together yeah get your fucking act together america bring in dave holmes to charm the pants off your clientele great i love this are you concerned that your clientele has too many pants on? Well, Dave can help. Get them off the fun way. We'll be back in just a second. Yeah. Hey, I'm Barbara Gray.

I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. Together, we make up the MaxFun Podcast Lady to Lady. Each week, we welcome a kick-ass lady guest. We talk about our lives, our dreams, and the terrible decisions we've made that still haunt us we've had on great comedians like aisha tyler and margaret troe plus screenwriters doctors authors you know anyone who's willing to be as open as we are it's all a lot of fun that's us lady to lady can you keep a secret neither Neither.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, talk shit, get hit. Ooh, I'm Dave Holmes. Lucy Goosey. Oh, Lucy Goosey Holmes. Oh, I'm Dave Holmes. Uh, uh, Goosey, Lucy Goosey. Oh, Lucy Goosey Holmes. Oh, Lucy Goosey Holmes. Wait, Jordan, what was that name you made up earlier? Talk shit, get hit? No, that name

that you made up earlier. Oh, I don't know. Duke Goobler? Duke Goobler. McElborespray. I will send a box of so much shit to whoever gets a Duke Goobler custom license plate. How would you spell that? D-U-K-E-G-B-L-R?

What if somebody already has it? D-U-K-G-B-L-R. That's for seven. Yeah. Or D-U-K-G-U-B-L-R. Huh. It's rough. That's tough.

It's tough. Also, that could be someone's name. It's like not a name. Well, it's not his given name. There's a lot of people in this world. His name's Ernest Goobler, but they call him the Duke. You can call someone Duke, right? Because he looks like Duke Snyder.

Right. Okay, look. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Hey, I had a momentous occasion on the airplane. Mm-hmm. On the airline JetBlue. Mm-hmm. You want to know what brand of milk they use?

And when I say milk, I'm just talking about milk. Yeah. Hershey's brand milk. Oh, wow. Just not chocolate milk. Just regular old milk. Just regular milk, Hershey's brand milk. And on the back of Hershey's brand milk, there are serving suggestions.

Suggests you serve it with Hershey syrup. Well, one of them is using hot chocolate to make it richer. Sure. Which is true. It will. But there are a lot of things to do with milk before you get there. Yeah. Serving suggestions.

Pour in glass. Yeah. Are you just drinking milk on a plane? No. I just saw the milk carton when I went to the bathroom. There's a milk carton there. They had that little bar set up. Oh, that's right. JetBlue has the little fun zone.

There's just a Hershey's brand milk. Yeah, it seems like there's that... Serving suggestions? If you don't know what to do with milk in 2016... We got it. And you're not from mainland China

where everyone is lactose intolerant, then come on. Yeah. I was also on JetBlue, to and from the East Coast, and I watched on the way out three or four episodes of Beverly Hills 90210

on the Pop Channel. Wow. These are classics or these are the reboot? Classics. Reboot is garbage and you know it. I don't know it, Dave. I'm glad to hear that. To be fair, the classic is also garbage. Yeah, but it's delicious garbage. Okay. But one of them was about it was about racial

about my friend Rachel Tension. Racial Tension. Didn't she co-host a show with Jimmy Pardo at one point on the Game Show Network? That was a tough one. It must have been after the riots because there was something about there's a team from Compton or whatever

that was going to play Beverly Hills in football, but people were afraid because of the gangs and whatever. But Brandon Walsh brought them together somehow, and I don't really remember how but David Lasher who he said as though that meant something

you would know you would know the face if you saw the face okay and you have computers in your fucking hands so look up David Lasher it's right

okay everyone look up Lasher he was on like Sabrina the Teenage Witch or whatever anyway he was in the episode he was one of the football players in the episode

yeah and he was on my flight. Whoa. Yeah. Flasher convergence. Yeah. It means something. I don't know what.

It does, yeah. I don't feel like figuring it out, but it means something. There was a man on my flight who was so huge that I was trying to figure out who he reminded me of, and I realized that it was the guy

who played Bluto in the Popeye movies. Oh, wow. He was him, or he reminded you of him? He did not die of... No, he reminded me of and I realized that it was the guy who played Bluto in the Popeye movies. Oh wow. He was him or he reminded you of him? He did not die. He reminded me of that guy like he was probably 6'8 and huge in every, not fat at all although probably a little overweight but no like

no like roly-poly-ness just monster man. Just a biggin. He stood up and he you know he's wearing like uh he was wearing like uh uh you know one of those kind of camo trucker hats and uh you know cabela's hunting camo shirt yeah and i just don't think i've ever seen anyone that physically imposing in real life in my entire life who looked like he looked like he looked like a guy who would be like in a movie like The Natural. Yeah. Where somebody would somebody would the hero, the protagonist would be pitching for like a corntown semi pro team. Yeah.

And then like a murmur would come through the stadium and then this giant man would stride to the plate. Sure. Like a, not like an exercise type of giant, just a monster human.

That guy was on my flight. Okay. Where was he going? Was he going to L.A. or was he going? He was going to L.A. from Boston. Hmm.

Yeah, I don't know which one of these that guy lived in. Hmm. He's probably just coming over to L.A. or was he going? He was going to L.A. from Boston. Hmm. Yeah, I don't know which one of these that guy lived in. Hmm. He's probably just coming over to L.A. to do some bullying. Yeah. There's a lot of artsy types. Yeah, find some soft boys. You got to branch out. Yeah, push them in the mud.

He's probably just headed to the gym to watch the Red Sox game. Listen, we don't know. Let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, guest. This is Dave calling from the south side of Indianapolis. I was... Hold on. Pause this. So, you know how I hate being lied to on these

calls? Dave is sitting right here. You're not going to tell me that you're Dave calling into our fucking show. Let me explain what's going on here. Dave is fucking three feet away from me. He's got an explanation. This is Southside Indianapolis, Dave. Oh.

That's not me. You're Hollywood Dave. I'm clearly right. Hollywood Dave Holmes. That's correct. Yeah. That's correct. So let's continue.

Hollywood Dave. Let's continue. Got it. Can you pause this for a second, Christian? Southside Indianapolis, Dave? Is that what you said? Oh, I thought you were trying to call me that, but I don't answer to that because I am Hollywood Dave. Got it.

Okay, so here's my question. Can I ask you a question about Southside, Indianapolis, Dave? I'm not going to be able to answer it. He hosted DVD on TV. No. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was me.

That was me. Okay. So what did Indianapolis Dave host? I don't think that he hosts anything. He does cars. He does cars. He does... He sells...

He does... He sells or does cars. That's true. I think John Lasseter did cars. No, no, no. Not the movie. It's just like the actual thing. I think John Lasseter did cars no no no not the movie it's just like the actual thing you know what a car is right

do you know what a car is yeah it's one of the like little cabins on a train no it's a yeah each one is called a car

so there's a box I think I can fix this Jesse that guy was lying about his name thank you so much finally someone that guy was just lying about his name is Thank you so much. Finally, someone is being straight with me. No, I don't mean that in a rude way, David.

It's not hate speech. Finally, someone is being an honest person with me. Thank you, Jordan. I just. So let's just go through this call knowing that maybe that guy had a good reason to lie about his name. Maybe he's on the run or something. Let's not assume he's dishonest, and let's just hear what he has to say. I like a straight shooter, and that's how I vote.

Go ahead, Christian. I was checking out, and the lady in front of me, she's like 70 years old, looks like a sweet little old lady. She left her purse sitting on the belt with the groceries right on the edge of it. And then when they started the belt up to move my groceries forward, her purse falls all over the floor and spills open. She bends over, picks it up, and says, Son of a bitch, that's the third time that's happened to me today. See ya. Bye.

Yeah. I'm fucking back on board with Dave. Even though he was bullshitting me about his name, that is golden. Gotta latch that purse. You've got to latch that purse and you've got to keep it on your person. That's why you get a nice long... That's why you get a nice long strap. Son of a bitch!

That's what she said. Son of a bitch is a good swear. I think it's maybe something that we've abandoned a little bit culturally, but it's good. Has a nice lilt. Yeah, it does. It's fun. It's fun to say. Okay, let's take one more, Chrissy Chris. Hey, Jordan and Jesse and guests.

I just had a vasectomy. And they let me listen to headphones, and so I listened to you guys. So that was pretty fun. I'm still a little groggy. I just got out of the room. So I wanted to tell you guys right away. Get them, get them, get them.

Bye-bye. Yeah, snip them balls. The story about being sedated for sure checks out. How could you tell? Might be playing it up a tiny bit, but I do get a genuine sedation vibe. Okay, well, you're very perceptive. I might not have been able to pick up on it. I'm not quite as observant if you are.

There were subtle verbal cues. Anyway, have fun blasting inside your partner. I'll make no babies, and that's fine. Get in there. There's plenty of us here. When I had my appendix out, they gave me some of that. What they termed

is that good stuff that they gave Michael Jackson. I said, the stuff he died from? The good stuff that kills our legends?. I said, the stuff he died from? The good stuff? But anyway, we've discussed... The kills are legends? We've discussed that on the show. But it's an outpatient procedure. They just put you in this recovery room. But they've really given you some fucking shit.

And there was a period where... I only figured this out maybe an hour later talking with my wife, Teresa, because she was there at the time, where the nurse was asking me questions and I thought I was answering them, but I wasn't saying anything. Oh, wow.

Like I was certain that I had responded to her questions and I had literally just sat there looking at her. Wow. I get it. Yeah. I get it. And that's how Michael Jackson died. That's how Michael Jackson died.

Okay. We have to imagine him happy. He thought, the prayer maker asking him, do you want us to resuscitate you? And he thought he was saying, yes, please do. But he wasn't saying anything. Yeah. Exactly. Poor, poor man.

May he rest in peace. R.I.P. Is this how we want to end this one? No, we're going to take a break and then we'll do an ending thing. It doesn't mention the death of a legend. Yeah, legendary, popular music figure. That'd be great. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris Boy detective Dave Holmes Tambourine player I'm just riffing Yeah, no it's good

You don't have to do a new one You could be Hollywood Dave Holmes If you want to Yeah, I don't want to Okay, that's reasonable. It's a bad name. It's a rough name. Don't be that.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tambourine. What's that? That's Dave's. Is that my theme music? Saying tambourine. Oh. Oh, is that me? Were you doing me?

Yeah. Oh, I didn't even recognize you. What was that guy called? Gooch McGuppin? Duke Goobler. It was Kimmy Gibbler. Kimmy Gibbler, yeah. Duke what now?

Duke Goobler. Duke Goobler. I want to stress, if anyone thinks I'm doing a bit, I'm not. I keep forgetting what it is, being mad that I can't remember what it is because I liked it so much. And then every time you say it, it's newly surprising to me. That's Macklemore's friend. It gets me. Macklemore's friend.

Ryan Lewis is his friend. Yeah, they're friends. You get to bring a press one. Yeah. Macklemore and his friend, Ryan Lewis. Roommate. Yeah. He's a longtime companion, Ryan Lewis.

Why are we just listing things that a mom who was uncomfortable with her son's homosexuality would call her son's partner? I think we are all uncomfortable with McLemore and his ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex- old Catholic mom would be. Okay. Just to recap this week's program, Dave Holmes has been our guest. His new book is called Party of One. It's a real delight. It's in stores now. Thank you. You know, you can even get it from websites. You can. Amazon, VN.com.

Sure. If you live near the Strand 5,000 Miles of Books store in New York City, California, go there and buy it. Bring some greenbacks and see what you can do. But if you're in Bora Bora and all you got is your wired web connection, type in Dave Holmes book and see if you can get that thing flown out there. I bet you can. I bet you can. It's an easy Google. Yeah.

It's real easy. Just get Party of One Party of One starring Dave Holmes. Written by, but... It's fine. It's fine. Similar.

South Indianapolis, Indiana. Incorrect. Incorrect. He picks up ladies' lipsticks. Of Dinner at Our House. It's fine. Similar. South Indianapolis, Indiana. Incorrect. Incorrect. He picks up ladies' lipsticks. Of Dinner at Our House. Nope. Nope. Nope.

That's incorrect. Dinner in a Movie on TBS with David Holmes. Nope. Best known as Frangela from VH1's Best Week Ever. Nope. We are friends, and they will be there at Book Soup. You might be on propofol right now. That's a good Michael Jackson shit.

That's a good Michael Jackson shit. Oh boy, got to get some of that Michael Jackson shit. So that's July 11th in Los Angeles. July 11th in St. Louis, July 13th in Los Angeles. So get on that, people. Don't fuck this up for yourself. Oh, why would you? So I guess it's my message to you. Christian Duenas has been on the board this week. Of course, you know him by his always-on-the-tip-of-the-tongue nickname, Chrissy Chris.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, of course, in London, England, produced this week's program. We're going to be at MaxFunCon East, so cop those ducats now. I'm going on Judge John Hodgman tour, MaximumFun.org for all those dates. If you live in the Northeast or London, England, where I'm also bringing Bullseye with Jesse Thorne, Dave's going to be there doing International Waters. Yes. MaximumFun.reddit.com or the Facebook group Maximumfun.org on Facebook are great places to talk about this show or on Twitter with the hashtag JJGO. That's all.

That's all the things we have to say in the show. We've said them all. Yep. What was that guy called? I don't know. I've forgotten. I think this is exactly the way to play it. I think it's know i've forgotten i think this is exactly the way to play it i think it's dave from indiana i think this is exactly the way to play yeah that's the funny name i can't take another round of no i don't

know you shouldn't have to you shouldn't have to get that garaba get that garaba t-shirt at maxfundstore.com we'll talk to you next time this is your last week time is running out yeah they're gone uh maxfundstore.com we'll talk to you next time. This is your last week. Time is running out. Yeah, they're gone. MaxFunStore.com. We'll talk to you next time, my Jordan Jessica. Thank you. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

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