Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 437: Ghost Pie with Mike Eagle

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Rapper Open Mike Eagle joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of everyone's favorite pies, Jordan's upcoming trip to Alaska, Jeff Goldblum's attractiveness and Jesse's growing VHS collection.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you are bathed, as we record this podcast, you are bathed in purple light. Mm-hmm. Lilac. I'm going to call it lilac. Yeah. It's because I'm royalty.

I just found out. Oh, really? Yeah. Did you just find out you're a real princess? I did. And, you know, purple is the color of royalty. Uh-huh. So I'm calling ahead when I go to my various engagements.

Uh-huh. Podcasting, of course. Ribbon-cutting ceremonies. Sure. Blood orgies. Right. Oh, I'm a vampire princess, by the way. You're a vampire princess?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I had no idea. Hence the blood orgies. But I still do a lot of- I honestly did not even know that they had a caste system in the vampire community. No, no. It's very stringent. It's feudal.

Yeah. I mean, we like to say traditional. I knew that- We don't like to say feudal because that has a bad connotation. I knew about Dracula's position. He's a count. Are you sure? Although, can I just put in a recommendation?

Please. I think for all the work that he's done. I mean, we don't like to. I don't know if you've seen the Blade movie. I haven't. No. They're very accurate. Oh, really?

Were you a script consultant? Listen, if I had known about my status as a vampire princess in the mid-90s, I would have insisted on at least doing a pass on all the Blade scripts. Sure. But I wasn't aware. And so these days you mostly just hang out by Ryan Reynolds' house. Yeah. Was he in the Blade movies?

He was in the third one. Okay, great. He played Blade's friend, the human. Great. Let's be honest. Blade's friend, the white guy. Yeah. Blade's nice white friend.

Yeah. What were we talking about? Oh, we were just talking about Dracula. Dracula. And I was going to recommend. And again, I understand. Oh, yeah. I was going to say we don't love taking recommendations for humans because of our uneasy alliance.

Got it. Oh, yeah. I was going to say we don't love taking recommendations for humans because of our uneasy alliance. Now, I will be more inclined to listen to you if we at all happen upon some sort of Blade II situation where there's a super vampire that we have to fight. Or if I'm turned. Oh, yeah, that too. But, you know, because this is kind of a new thing and I realize I'm springing it on you. Right. I'll go ahead and listen to your suggestion. Okay. R.E. Dracula.

So. Or Drac, as I like to call him. Oh, you're close with him. Yeah. I guess there's not a lot to do once you can live forever. Nah. Just hang out. Chill.

Watch Blade. Mm-hmm. To be reminded of what your life is actually like. Mm-hmm. Well, here's my suggestion to you, Jordan. I feel like Dracula has done a lot for the vampire community. Mm-hmm. And so maybe he's in line for a promotion from Count to VizCount.

You know, I mean, I think that he likes the Count lifestyle. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean mean i think the promotion would like giving him more responsibility uh-huh uh i don't think he would have as much fun with it i mean he's got it he's got to be out there he's got to be right he doesn't like to a mist he doesn't like pressing the flesh exactly so to speak he doesn't like anything flesh related well unless it's the feeling of his teeth sinking into it. That's true.

He does enjoy that. That's true. And the pleasures of the. Right. Sure. He is very sexual. Yeah. Have you become more sexual?

A little bit. I mean, again, this is still new. Right. If I was, you know, at a six before,

I would say I'm at a seven. Uh-huh. Yeah. RE sexual intensity. So pretty good. Yeah. Not-E, sexual intensity. So pretty good. Yeah. Not the most sexual, but pretty sexual. And in this scale of one to ten, my presumption here is that we're talking about, this isn't like a grading scale.

So we're not talking about C-minus sexuality. We're talking about where average sexuality is five. Sure. Ten is extraordinary sexuality. Yeah. That's like a Bowie. That average sexuality is five. Sure. Ten is extraordinary sexuality. Yeah. That's like a Bowie. That's like a prince. That's like a, you know, just a human, you know, made of sexuality. I want to, okay, let's introduce our guest on the program because you mentioning Prince reminds me of why I wanted to talk about this purple light. So our guest on the program is a recording artist.

He's an entertainment personality. This is true. He's one of the hosts of the upcoming MaxFun podcast. And yes, this is the announcement right here, folks. Tights and Fights. I feel so secure in my job now. It's Tights and Fights, not Fights and Tights, right? No, you had it right the first. I always go with the first one. This is fights and tights, right? No, it's tight. You had it right the first time.

I always go with the first one. This is the deadline.com of podcasting. Like, it's official when you hear it here. Oh, should I announce my other shows are canceled? Yeah, yeah. This is the place to do it. Okay, good. Let's make waves.

Let's do it. Open Mike Eagle. Hello. Hi, Mike. How are you? I'm wonderful. And that is a fine purple glow. Yeah.

We don't have to go with this vampire thing for the whole show, by the way. Actually, I felt, speaking of Prince, that you looked like maybe you, it was your first day interning at Paisley Park. Yeah, I can see that. And he just had you work in his studio. Yeah. And he was like, only purple lights.

And you're like, is he serious? Yeah. You didn't know if he was trolling you or not. Yeah, and then Jesse Johnson was like, yeah, he's really serious. I'm lucky I'm getting college credit for this Prince internship. Here's something that I wanted to address. This purple light made me think about.

So, of course, Prince passed away a month or two ago. Also, we're announcing that here on the show. Yeah. It has not been in the news. You did have to remind me because I don't like to think about it. Yeah. It was not been in the news. You did have to remind me because I don't like to think about it. Yeah. It was a horrible tragedy. And Prince was one of my favorite musicians

of all time. I'm sure you guys were Prince fans as well. Absolutely. One of the greatest geniuses of pop music ever. And his death was unspeakably tragic. So I guess my question is, at what point can we again talk about the time that he rented, I want to say,

Cedric Sabalos' house. Cedric Sabalos. NBA power forward Cedric Sabalos. He won a dunk contest. I remember that. I think it was Cedric Sabalos. Rented it in the off season or in the on season, whatever, and painted it purple

without asking him. That's so mean. Carlos Boozer. Sorry, not Cedric Sabalos. Oh my God. Carlos Boozer. You know, I mean, I think that when it comes to Prince and what is or is not appropriate to remember, you know, in the wake of his

death. I believe he had also turned the fountain purple. This is from memory. This was some years ago. Turned the fountain purple, replaced the gate, and installed the beauty parlor. Carlos Boser has probably only been playing in the NBA for about 10 years. Yeah. I mean, that guy's not a superstar.

But when it was Cedric Sabalos, I was like, oh, okay. Everybody was on coke. Things happen. Sometimes. Carlos Boozer? This was since Prince found religion. Yes. Oh, absolutely.

This was, I'm going to say, six or seven years ago. This is very mean. And I don't like Carlos Boozer. So this isn't about your personal relationship with Carlos Boozer. No, it is not. I wouldn't mind his house being turned any amount of colors. Really? That's how much antipathy you have towards Carlos Boozer.

I am a huge Chicago Bulls fan. And we paid that man a lot of money to not do well for a few years. Got it. It's very personal. Right. But Prince. What was Prince's beef with Carlos Buzer? I think Prince's beef is with houses that aren't painted purple. I think he just assumed, I'm renting the house, it'll be made appropriate for me.

It will be Prince. Yeah, but he just did what he had to do, you know? But yeah, I mean, I think that that that you know is it appropriate to remember that i think when you live your life in such a crazy way it's only fitting that you be remembered by the crazier things that you've done i mean it was and i want to be clear this was it's not like he rented it from carlos boozer and then returned it three years later having been colored purple it's like a long weekend or something. This was like a two-month or three-month rental.

And then when he returned it to Carlos Boozer, the entire house – and I'm sure this was a mansion. Carlos Boozer is doing fine for himself. He's got that bull's money. Our money. Yeah. This hurts. But did he paint like the toilets?

Is it the inside or just the outside? Do have any he painted the entire outside i mean christian is sitting here looking at the article not helping us yeah but thanks christian um but yeah he painted the entire house purple and then turned the fountain purple and then some other shit do you think it's possible that christian is not looking at the article but it is just looking at a HuffPo gallery of celebrity nip slips? I think that seems likely. I love the Schrodinger's cat element of there being any number of things going on behind you that you can't

think of at all. It's all possible. Christian is directly behind Jordan right now, and Jordan has no idea what's happening. Christian is at once looking at a gallery of nip slips and not looking at a gallery of nip slips and not looking at a gallery of nip slips. It's all permissible back there. We're going to drop a radioactive ion

in there at some point. Christian is also pulling a classic Christian move. And this is why we need to get Brian Sonny D. Fernandez back. That guy's been in London, quote unquote, being a television writer

on a television show for too long. Christian is there. He's wearing a rival podcast shirt. That guy is wearing a totally beverages and sometimes hot sauce shirt. I didn't know that we had rivals. Yeah, that's our main rivals. Do you think at some point we'll have to team up with them to fight some sort of super vampire? I mean, I presume so. Or a super podcast.

Is that vampire you? No, no, no. I'm merely a princess. I see. That was established. Did you know that one of the guys from Totally... But again, we don't have to follow that. I don't want to make this a running thing that we have to stick with or remember the mythology of. I'll try to forget the only thing that I've remembered so far.

Did you know that... So I went on Totally Beverages and sometimes Hot Sauce once some years ago. Did you know that one of the hosts of that show has a cat that he adopted from you that I think, if I remember correctly, is named Jordan? My mind is blah. That's real, because for a while you were fostering kittens. Oh, this was a long time ago. This was a long time ago. My roommate was.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But is it named Jordan? I think it was named Jordan. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, great. I think there were two and one was named after your former roommate.

One was named after you. Yeah. And I think the one that he adopted was named Jordan. Oh, this was, yeah. I think when the fostering was happening, this was before I was prepared for any sort of responsibility. You did okay. I remember you speaking fondly of those foster cats that were in your house. Oh, sure.

I enjoyed them. But yes, that's, and it is named Jordan, so it's just hanging out. I think it's still named Jordan. Okay. I mean, we're going to get angry emails from Christian. Sure. Who loves listening to that show all the time instead of doing his work here at Maxim named Jordan. Okay. I mean, we're going to get angry emails from Christian. Sure. Who loves listening to that show all the time instead of doing his work here at MaximumFun.org.

Or wearing an appropriately themed t-shirt. You know, we have a whole closet of t-shirts. Can I have a t-shirt? Yeah, you can have a t-shirt. Okay. I would appreciate that. No problem. Glad to help. All right.

You know what it's going to say? Not totally beverages and sometimes hot sauce. I'll tell you that much. That's good. It's better than a naked torso I'm currently wearing. I need a shirt. You know what it's going to say? Not totally beverages and sometimes hot sauce. I'll tell you that much. It's good. It's better than a naked torso I'm currently wearing. I need a short. You know what? Your torso looks great, Mike. You are selling your torso short. It's just the way I'm seated. I only look down and see belly and it's just hard not to focus

on that. Mike, you look gorgeous. Oh, that's so nice of you. It's insincere, but I mean it. God. And I think we didn't think anything of it because you had that beach towel slung over your shoulder when you came in. Oh, this guy's just coming from the beach. You know, I picked that up at the door. I don't know whose that was. Really?

So someone just left. Kristen, did you leave your beach towel by the door? Kristen left his fucking beach towel. So let's talk about some mistakes that Kristen is making that Brian would not be making. Number one, rival podcast t-shirt. Number two, leaving his towers, towels, and his towers. His towers and towels. His towers and towels.

His towel towers. They could be being invaded by orcs as we speak. Hither and yon. Everywhere. Well, he won't be doing that because I took the towel and I'm not giving it back. It's mine now. I'm starting to regret. I went to lunch with Christian's parents this weekend.

I'm starting to regret speaking highly of him. Oh, boy. Was it like an intervention? For Christian's... Yeah, it was for Christian's mom. I haven't known her long, but long enough to know that she had a problem. Problem. I haven't known her long, but long enough to know that she had a problem.

Anyway, Jordan, I think that when it comes down to it, the guys from T-Bash will be glad to help us fight this super vampire. What is that podcast? It's a pod... Look, Mike, this podcast... Our podcast is not about what they... This is not an opportunity to promote their podcast. I'm so sorry that I'm curious about the thing that's coming up. Despite what Christian seems to think. You should just hear the acronym T-Bash and know what we're talking about.

Jordan, don't you dare take Mike's team. Sure. You might as well go sit out there with Christian, Jordan. That's whose team you're on ultimately. You're turning into a real super vampire. If you're not careful, people are going to team up against you. I'll tell you one thing. I've definitely decided to no more things from now on.

I don't know anything else at all. Totally Beverages and Sometimes Hot Sauce is a podcast about a podcast about food, about drinks, and sometimes hot sauce. So they, I went on went on and we talked about root beers. We did a root beer taste test.

It was a lot of fun. But then sometimes they do cocktails or whatever, and sometimes they have hot sauce. You've been on that show, haven't you? Tons of fun. Yeah. It's a blast. Something in me just got very angry that it was that literal.

Really? Something in me was just incensed. What did you want it to be about anything supreme tax politics sure yeah tax politics h&r block versus jackson hewitt absolutely oh man that's a fucking max fun podcast we need to get into quick tax return battle sure quicken yeah if you're feeling enterprising yeah anything any intuit products quicken quick tax quick books quick whatever jordan sure and let's bring mint in on this nestle's quick quick silver the avenger sometimes sure absolutely get him in here um i have a summertime thing that I'm about to do.

Oh, I'm excited about that. You are ready. As you sit before me, Jordan, you're looking real summer boy. Thank you. You are summer boy to the max. Summer boy detective, I might add. Oh, yeah. I guess you could combine those.

I guess you could combine those. You're wearing a short sleeve shirt with fish on it. It is a fun shirt. Yeah, it's pretty fun. It's so many fish. Yeah. I've been taken as one of Jimmy Buffett's concubines. He's whisking me away to Pirate's Cove.

Is his whole business empire run by vampires? It is, yes. I'm glad we're making this mythology more complicated. this mythology more complicated is that in my position as vampire princess i am also uh uh legally required to help run jimmy buffett's business empire and to make love to him in pirates cove well i mean i think everyone it's not complicating things that much i think everyone knew that buffett was a vamp lord yeah oh yeah no no he's he's one of the few humans we've made an alliance with oh yeah but it's a but it's more of a peaceful, easy alliance. Yeah.

It's a real five o'clock somewhere treaty that we signed. Fair enough. Okay. So, yeah. I am about to take one of my first ever total nature vacations. Really? I'm going to go see a good high school buddy of mine who lives in Alaska. I feel like when you go on vacation, usually, you're going to New York City.

You're going to Chicago. Sure. You're going to Las Vegas. Yeah, and a place where I could get a famous burger. Right. That's basically my one- I think we've established, if we've established anything on this show it's that Jordan travels from town to town asking locals what

their famous burger is and then consuming it. Going to eat it. So yeah, I have a buddy who lives in Alaska and in, you know, out there. You know, he lives out there in Alaska. What are we talking about? Ketchikan? Well, I'm flying into Fairbanks and then we're just driving out there. Oh, really?

Will we hear from you again? Maybe not. I may die. I don't know if I'm equipped for that. Equipped for death? Yeah, I don't know if I'm equipped. I think we all are, Jordan. Yeah, that's true.

As soon as we're born, we're equipped for death. It's the title of the least successful Jimmy Buffett album. This one got real dark. It got real dark. So, yeah, I don't think I've ever, I've never done a vacation. Kick back, relax, and let the darkness take you. Yeah, and wait for the reaper. So, yeah, and I think all we have planned are nature-related things.

Really? We got some hikes. We got some camps. We got some hot springs. Can I ask you a question? Yes. Do... Have you done...

Now, I've heard you tell me... We've known each other for a long time. I've heard you tell me about, like, urban hiking. Mm-hmm. Is this something... It's called parkour, Jesse. And it's more of an urban gymnastic, but yes. I mean, is this something that you've done in your regular life?

Like on a Sunday, do you ever go trunning? What's trunning? Trail running. No, I don't do that. Derek Jeter has special shoes for it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Are the toes individualized? I don't think so. Derek Jeter has special shoes for it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Are the toes individualized?

I don't think so. I don't think it went that far. Trunning seems like some sort of advanced sex move. I agree. Well, if I'm Derek Jeter, you won't believe how fucking advanced my sex moves are at this point. Fool boy. Either they're advanced or completely developmentally crippled. And they're all sorts of specialized footwear and handwear.

Handwear. And it's gloves. How long after Derek Jeter dies can we talk about that urban legend that when he ejaculates he says, yeah, Jeets? How long before that's appropriate? I'm reminded of a popular rapper popular rapper please i remain nameless who is it's it's snow the informer himself think what you will okay um uh who has who it's been said that when he ejaculates says i'm. Great performance, by the way. Yeah, no, I had to commit.

This is a pretty spectacular Vanilla Ice. Stop, collaborate, and listen. And then transform. There you go. Wow, that is an amazing thing to yell when one ejaculates. Yeah. Is that something you prepare your partner for? Of course not.

You just spring it on them. Of course, because then you can't even have the act if you tell them that. They're going to leave. You know what I mean? When my wife was in college, her housemate in residential housing there at college had a boyfriend who, while plowing her, would enthusiastically yell. And every time. So the whole house could hear. This was like a house.

The train's coming into the station! No. Yes. It was all they could ever talk about. The train's coming into the station. Unless she was in the room. The train's coming into the station. It would seem that you would tease this person about this nonstop

whenever he came into the room. No, these are Sarah Lawrence students. They don't. Yeah. They're very polite. I see. They don't want to impede them living their truths. Yeah.

These are future lady lions here. Sure. Do you think he wore a little conductor's cap? I'm almost certain he did. You mean on his dick or on his head? Two of them. Little one and a big one. And unfortunately, I can only think about Shining Time Station right now.

Oh. I'm just completely messed up in the hip. Yeah. You should have never fucked George Carlin. You know what? I've been thinking of him. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Although it was worth it for the story.

Sure. I mean, for the story. I mean, if you're not going to get Ringo, the next best thing you could do is get George Carlin. Absolutely. Same outfit. Was Alec Baldwin one of those guys for a while? He was. He was?

I missed that. Alec Baldwin, I think, is a later one. Wow. Yeah, I think he was a later one. I think of those three guys, I may be going Baldwin. Really? Yeah. If you're talking about getting plowed?

Yeah. I got to go Carlin, man. Okay. Just for whatever. He might yell while he's ejaculating. It would probably change my life. Yeah. If you're talking about getting plowed? Yeah. I got to go Carlin, man. Okay. Just for whatever. He might yell while he's ejaculating. It would probably change my life. Yeah. Is it like hippie Carlin?

Is it like loves to play word games Carlin? I need the Carlin that I first came into contact with on television, which was old guy Carlin, but not as old as oldest old guy Carlin. He was late 50s, probably. You're talking about like a Bill and Ted Carlin. Exactly that. That Carlin I would let fuck me. Long leather duster.

I guess my concern with Baldwin is that he's unpredictable. Like, he's the prettiest. There's no doubt about that. Oh, pretty boy Baldwin. But he's unpredictable. He's known for his tempestuous nature. And I'd be concerned that he'd get upset with me. And he would do something rage-filled in the moment that could permanently injure you.

Yeah. That's true. That's my concern with Baldwin. Well, I guess I just like to live on the edge. Fair enough. It's where I'm most comfortable. I'm pretty sure Ringo isn't sexual. Yeah, yeah.

Right? He probably just did it too much in the 60s and 70s. Jordan, I want to get back. I think you're right. I think you're right, Mike, of it. Of like, yeah, just between Ed Sullivan and, you know, singing on a rooftop. And let it be. Yeah, the Beatles just had so much weird sex.

They're like, yeah, we're done, right? He's got really specific tastes now like he can only come if he's replying personally to a fan's letter and wearing and wearing the mr conductor outfit yeah right exactly um i want to get back to your nature trip jordan but i do want to introduce one more sexual thing please of baseball's most legendary shortstops. There was a report that A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, the now third baseman, first baseman designated hitter of the New York Yankees, then shortstop, would, and Christian, make sure that it was A-Rod

and not Jeter, because it might have been Jeter, would have one night stands, would send the women home in his car. This is Jeter. This is Jeter. From my memory, it's Jeter. Okay. Then this was like reports in real newspapers. Like, it sounds so ridiculous that it seems like it couldn't have been in real newspapers, but it was in real newspapers.

This was what that team did after Spotlight, right? Yeah, exactly. So he would send women home in cars the next day or that night, and in the car would be a gift basket with an autographed baseball. Jeter, Derek Jeter. A gift basket with a Derek Jeter autographed baseball. For women, he had shared the most intimate physical act that two people can participate in together. That's kind of amazing.

It is. Where do you order it? How do you even get them manufactured? I know. You just call Harry and David. Good. Hey, hi. Can I talk to Harry?

This is important. You're Hey, hi. Can I talk to Harry? This is important. You're like, I think you... I'm going to need one of those Jeter fuck baskets. Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm going to need several of those Jeter fuck baskets. the same avenue of lore was that he supposedly has a painting of himself in his bedroom where it is himself with the body of a minotaur. Yeah, that's dope. Oh, boy. You bet he does.

You think that's why he was juicing? He was trying to get horseshoes. Trying to grow that other set of legs. Yeah, exactly. That is a level of juicing is when you become a character from Greek mythology. Okay, I think my hooves are finally coming in. So my question to you, Jordan, was about trunning. Yeah.

That's how we got into Derek Jeter. I don't think I'll trun. Mountain bike? No, I don't think I'll mountain bike. I mean, I'm happy to stroll along a hiking trail. Okay. Yeah. But you don't, I mean, how many I mean, I'm happy to stroll along a hiking trail. Okay. Yeah. But you don't, I mean, how many times have you camped in the last 10 years?

Like overnight? Twice. Yeah. 10 years. So, yeah, and this buddy of mine, we grew up together in Orange County, which is not filled with nature, but he's been living up there. Filled with Bennigan. Sure, yeah.

Which, you you know to be fair yeah survival is very tough inside of bennegan it is yeah it's martial law you gotta find something edible yeah you gotta you gotta forage for bacon bits you know something horrifying was that you said filled with bennegan so then i imagined a place with more than one bennegan so they're really scared oh like a bennegan's across the street from a Bennigan's? Oh, my God! There's the, like, Worcester, Massachusetts? There's the nice Bennigan's, and then there's that old Bennigan's we don't go to anymore. Yeah.

My grandparents used to take me to a pie restaurant. What's that called? Merry Calendars? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then also to a front, like, an Old West-themed restaurant. Claim Jumpers. Yeah.

I didn't know those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Claim Jumpers. I didn't even know those. Claim Jumpers wasn't that bad. I like the pies at both places. I'm a big pie guy. Both those places are salvaged by pies. Do you have a favorite chain pie? Oh, no. I like any kind of pie that's not fruit.

Really? Yes. I don't like fruit pies. I think fruit pies are disgusting. I think cooked fruit is disgusting. But I like any sort of cream pie. You know that fruit pies are the top pie category. I know that those are disgusting. So as a pie guy, that's what I also know. That those are awful and that people who like them are weird.

I ate the other day not only – I've had two pie experiences recently. Yeah. All right. Not to turn this into've had two pie experiences recently. Yeah. All right. Not to turn this into totally pies and sometimes trunning. Yeah. But I- Tea passed? I ate a banana cream pie recently.

Yes. That's a nice pie. I was not ready. I was like, banana cream pie, it seems like a joke pie. Like it doesn't even seem like a real pie. It's like a punchline to a joke about pies. Got it. And I ate this banana cream pie.

I think it is at once a spectacular eating pie. But also, if you need to give some, you know, stuffy aristocrat, you know, take him down a peg. Take him down, exactly. I mean, there's no better throwing pie than a banana cream. It's light, so you can get some thrust. You don't have all that cooked fruit weighing it down. This banana cream pie was one of the best things I ever ate. Shout out to the Bright Spot in Echo Park.

Excellent pies in the Bright Spot. Yeah, very nice pies. Yeah, so that banana cream pie was fantastic. It had whole bananas in it. At the bottom. Chopped up banana. No, like whole bananas. Like a whole banana? It had whole bananas in it. Like the chopped up banana. No, like whole bananas. Like a whole banana? Yeah, whole bananas. Like uncut.

Like a big pie. And imagine those kind of car rims that have a thousand spokes. Imagine the spokes are whole bananas pointing outward. I'm so not down with this pie anymore. But here's the thing. You're done with the pie. not down with this pie anymore. But here's the thing.

You're done with the pie. I'm done with that pie. Now, here's the thing, Mike. You would think, right? You would think that that's a recipe for disaster to make a car rim out of whole bananas. I am ready to vomit right here where I sit. And I can understand that, Mike. I understand that 100%. My heart is with you.

I'm writing a card to you right now, letting you know how sympathetic I am with your situation. However, I have to report, this pie was hella good. This pie was... He said hella, which means he means it. Hella good. Oh, yeah. In fact, I'm going to upgrade this pie.

This pie was hells of good. That's how serious this pie was. I believe it. I have not had their banana. I've had their peanut butter pie. No. Nope. You're not doing that?

I don't know. Okay. I thought you were open to all pies except for cooked food. I'm open to all pies that I have decided that I like already. That is what I am open to. Okay. Top three pies. Oh.

Because I want to have, before we continue to discuss pies, I want to have parameters. I don't want to upset you. You're our guest. I like chocolate cream pie. Sure. Right. I like banana cream pie that does not have horrific whole bananas in it. That's just, that's crazy madness.

And what other kind of cream pies? Coconut cream pie. Key lime? I'm into key lime pies. Lemon meringue pie I can get into. I just do not like whole fruit on my pie. Okay, well this pie was fucking great. That's pie number one. Pie number two was a McDonald's apple pie, which I don't think I had ever had before. That ain't no pie. It's some kind of weird hand pie.

Sure. It's baked. It says that on the outside. It's like a hot no pie. It's some kind of weird hand pie. Sure. It's baked. It says that on the outside. It's like a hot pocket pie. They used to be boiled, I think, is why they mention that. I think when I was a kid, they called them fried pies. And I think now in the era of health consciousness, that is such an absurd phrase, fried pie. It sounds really good.

Sure, right, yeah. But it does sound like a county fair challenge thing. But it's a regional food, right? Isn't that a southeastern United States, a fried hand pie? No, I don't know. I think that's a thing. Also sounds like a sex move. Like an empanada kind of deal.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, the McDonald's pie. So I have not even eaten at McDonald's in a really long time. I don't know how many years. But we were in Massachusetts on the Mass Pike. The only restaurant is McDonald's. They have the same restaurant at every stop. Every traffic oasis.

Yeah, exactly. And so I had some chicken McNuggets, which I enjoyed very much. And I had that McDonald's pie. I'm not going to lie. I really enjoyed that McDonald's hand pie. I have not had them since they stopped being called fried pies. Something less appealing about them to me. I'm not going to recommend that people go to McDonald's to get one.

But if you're at McDonald's and you think, I wonder if that pie is gross or kind of tasty. The answer is, it's kind of tasty. Have they gotten any better at the temperature control of these pies? Because that was always a problem with me. You touch it, it feels perfectly edible. Better jam my tongue in it without any regard for what temperature this goo inside might be. Something about the design seemed to... It has a lattice top. So you don't have to be concerned about steam being trapped inside the pie

and keeping the innards hot. So it does have room for the heat to vent. Some ventilation. Okay. Yeah, so it's much less of a concern than I think it was when it was a deep-fried hand pie. Anyway, that's all I have to say. You know, some people say I'm a smuggelitist, Jordan.

Not when it comes to McDonald's hand pies. What's a smuggelitist? Me. I like thinking of that as one word, like a Dr. Seuss word. A smuggelitist? Yeah, it's like a machine where you turn a crank and it throws apples. Mm-hmm. Smuggelitist.

where you turn a crank and it throws apples. Mm-hmm. Smuggly-dist. I wanted to ask you guys what your top outdoor vacations have been. Have any of you guys seen this new film called Swiss Army Man? I have seen it. I've heard a lot about it. I saw Swiss Army Man last night. I saw Swiss Army Man a few days ago.

And whenever we talk about this nature vacation, all I can do is have flashbacks of this movie, which I think is still, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but it's still fucking with me in some way. I've seen it like four days ago now. So if you've not heard of this movie, this is a movie about Paul Dano, who is stranded on a desert island. Can I interject here just to set Mike at ease? So you are allowed to say fucking. My only concern is you're not allowed to admit weakness. Yeah.

So... I should just leave now. And you're not allowed to bad mouth desserts. My whole shtick is being weak. So Paul Dano, Jordan, sorry. You stranded on an island. You find the corpse of Daniel Radcliffe, who may or may not be playing himself. Unclear.

That is unclear. I didn't even think about that. The corpse starts talking, and it turns out the corpse has many uses, like starting fires. Do you have any interest in seeing this movie, Jesse? So far, it doesn't sound that good. Okay. Okay. Because, yeah.

Yeah. You mean, like, can you ruin it for me? Well, we have tens of thousands of people listening right now so i'm asking you would you can we ruin it for all of them i think these are all these are all these are all trailer things i think okay i didn't see a trailer so i didn't know what had already previously been ruined yeah anyway so it's a it's a fantastical, magical realism type movie. You know, this corpse comes back to life. He starts starting fires and propelling himself with farts. And it's a cutesy romp in the woods.

Anyway. Yeah, the end. And I'm going to give away the end. But it's like the end of Birdman where it's like. Was it real? Was it real? Was it real? That is... You might have to cut this whole part, but damn it.

Yeah. We'll discuss when there's not a audience. An internet audience who is already on a bloodthirsty hunt for spoilers so they could be mad about them when you said that when you said the end of birdman and i swear this is real i didn't it took me 20 seconds to get to thinking about the movie birdman the whole time i was talking about i was thinking about birdman like uh the charlie rapper and hip-hop impresario you thought he had died in an ambiguous way. That guy.

Talk about haunting. What? That guy has haunted. Ever since, I don't know if either of you guys have ever seen this Lil Wayne documentary that came out five years ago. It was fantastic. Yeah, really great. Really great documentary called The Carter.

I don't remember what it was called. I'm going to say it was called The Carter. But it's where they kept showing him recording on tour, having his studio rig and like setting up everything it was amazing and yes it was an amazing comp it was amazing combination of a testament to the artistry of lil wayne like the brilliant genius and this was him at the basically the peak of his career um the brilliant genius of lil wayne and just the crushing sadness of the fact that clearly his life and his life was slightly out of control. Maybe had always been out of control. He was clearly a drug addict and it was really messing with him.

Like it's a really intense movie. By far, much more than Wayne always having a giant styrofoam cup full of codeine cough syrup. Stacked. Two cups stacked. Yeah. That full. Yeah. Besides- Wait, how are they stacked?

I'm just- The bottom's cut out of one. Oh, boy. And they're stacked so that the liquid inside can be even taller. Oh, boy. So always. But that was not even it just the cold dead eyes of birdman the number one stunner is so sad and terrifying like he just looks like

like and i want to be clear like the kind terrifying, even though I'm about to say that he looks like he could kill you as soon as think about you. I don't even mean that the terror is like a physical threat. It's like existential. Like he is like a, he is like a black hole that good things go into and never come out of in this movie. And it's horrifying.

Anyway, he's been haunting me for a long time. I thought that you thought that we may have been talking about Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Yeah. There you go. In the end of the Adult Swim series. A haunting. Yeah.

A haunting reappropriation of Hanna-Barbera animation. Yeah. But sorry, Jordan. Era animation. Yeah. But sorry, Jordan. I actually saw a Romp in the Woods movie myself this weekend, The Hunt for the Wilder People. Did you see that movie?

Oh, no. I would like to. It looks really funny. It was fucking great. Yeah. It was so great. It was really funny and very moving. Like, very emotionally captivating.

Like, I had really liked Taika Waititi directed it. Yeah. Speaking of vampires. Very fun of vampires he and jermaine clement and some other people made uh the very funny faux vampire documentary what we do in shadows um but this movie is very different in tone he made this other movie called boy a few years ago uh that i thought was really great but maybe had a few little rough edges on it and this movie was like and like I said I really thought that movie was great this movie was like that

but like where all that it was just total mastery of the same kind of things that you were talking about that kind of like a relationship between kind of silly funny things and fantastical things and actual feelings that really knocked me on my

butt i don't want you to think that swiss army man is like that though because it's not like it is it asks you to take a leap very early on that kind of removes your ability to really even enjoy the sweetness okay you know it's asking you to really really go somewhere well let's jordan we got to take a break. So let's take a break, and then we'll come back and we'll talk about the woods. You got it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Desi Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and it's standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do, adventurers?

I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of The Adventure Zone, a podcast about family, playing, dungeons, and dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit.

I roll to charm new listeners. It is very effective. Against all odds. Everybody, we're the Macroids. We host the Adventure Zones, a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast. We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them. Maybe listen to us. We come out every other

Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org. I think this promo is a critical hit. Ha, ha, ha, ha,, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,. Yeah, but I wanted something room appropriate like you guys have. It's snappy and cute. Yeah, you are going to. Well, I mean, I'm not saying Banana Cream Mike is. I'm not saying that's the answer, but I'm saying, you know, that's the ballpark we're playing in here.

If there were a Banana Cream pie here. Even if it was the one that you described that I think is gross. I kind of feel like that pie might be in the freezer right now. Kristen, can you confirm or deny that? Yeah, Kristen's going to go check if that pie's in the freezer. If it is, Kristen, take it out. He can't hear us anymore.

But that would have been so great if he could somehow check that on his laptop, too. If there was still a pie in the freezer. Can you Google that real quick? To get one of those Kristen Bell fridges. Wait, Kristen Bell got that kind of fridge? There's a set of commercials out starring Kristen Bell, Kirsten Bell, Kristen Bell, and Dax Shepard as celebrity couple Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard.

They're so good at that. And they are advertising a new smart fridge. It's really more of a hub for your home. The Samsung. And this says this fridge has a giant iPad on the front. And you can use it to leave notes for your celebrity husband. Does Samsung want to make everything? I don't understand why.

Samsung is one of those Asian conglomerates that starts out making hard candies, and then all of a sudden their focus is timber and motorcycles. Yes. And then they get into electronics and they control the world. It seems so inefficient. That used to be Japanese companies, but now Korean. They started out making pornographic playing cards for sailors,

and now they make wind turbines. Jesus Christ. Yeah, exactly. I think that's exactly where we're at. So I feel like we should get one of these. I would get anything that Dax Shepard and Kristen Shepard told me to get. Part of the appeal. Kristen Bell.

Kristen Bell, comma, hyphen Shepard. I don't know how she likes them. Are they married? They are married. They are married and they genuinely love each other. Man, I interviewed Kristen Bell. And, you know, sometimes if you're fond of a film or television personality and you meet them in real life, it just reminds you that they're a real person and kind of like – and you've been interacting with this media confection. And so you don't have to worry about thinking of them as something other than a real person.

I don't think there was a second that I was talking to Kristen Bell that I did not have a crush on Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell is so adorable. Or that it was growing more and more the entire time. She was so pleasant and bright and adorable. Gosh. I couldn't handle it the whole time. I was flipping out. Who was the gal

who was one of the stars of Heroes who was also a very attractive blonde gal. Hayden Panettiere. I met her. How'd that go? At one of my rap shows. Okay.

She was wearing a black wig and pretending as if nobody would know it was her. She was with a handler, and we talked for a long time and then she asked me where another one of my other buddies rap shows was and we went to it so she could buy weed from him which he wanted to buy so she doesn't even buy weed from a rapper's weed guy. She'll only buy it directly from a rapper. Well, this rapper also happened to be a weed guy. You know, we're indie, you know. So these are not separated duties on your team as they would be if we were talking about Busta Rhymes and Spliffstar. I am a rapper slash podcaster.

Was it a Spliffstar concert? No. Because if it was a Spliffstar concert, I would say, let's go to the Spliffstar concert. He's carrying. No, no. It was just another one of my buddies who was at the exact same level as me. But his other hustle is that he sells weed. He sells all sorts of drugs, but he definitely also sells weed.

And he also sells those fundraising candy bars. Yes, with mushrooms in them. Yes, he does. Only take half of this fundraising candy bar. This is very potent and helps a lot of kids go to soccer camp. I have a question about this, Mike. When this acquaintance sold weed to television and film star Hayden Panettiere. Allegedly.

Allegedly. If she wants to sue me, please validate my story. That would be awesome. Do you charge extra or give a discount? I'm pretty sure he gave a discount because he was definitely trying to hang out with her. Yeah. He might not have charged her at all. I wasn't a party to the transaction.

People on film and television are so good looking that it's almost upsetting. That night, it was problematic. And I'm a happily married man. But gosh, I wanted to hang around that girl longer. Gosh! It's very weird, and it to hang around that girl longer. Gosh. It's very weird.

Even in a weird wig. No, especially. Weird wig's better. A bunch of the folks from our office went to see Jeff Goldblum's jazz combo recently. I was unable to be there. I was out of town. But he has a jazz combo that plays here in Los Angeles once a week when he's in town. And I had once – I once saw Jeff Goldblum on the street in New York when he was making Law & Order or whatever it was he was working on, one of the CSIs.

I can't remember. But the thing that I remember thinking about Jeff Goldblum is my first thought about Jeff Goldblum would never be what a handsome guy. My first thought about Jeff Goldblum would never be what a handsome guy, which is not to say that I wouldn't think of him as ugly, but just that he was a sort of medium amount guy who was more distinctive than he was attractive. Yeah. I mean, I think he became famous in a weird time in media where there were a bunch of weird looking guys who we were supposed to believe were handsome. I think Vince Vaughn is the other one. Yeah. And so, but then you meet Jeff Goldblum in real life.

All you can think about is how handsome this man is. Yeah, sure. It's very upsetting to me. But I imagine that he also has what I would describe as like a nuclear charm. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. A tractor beam of sorts. Now, does that make somebody more attractive than maybe they physically are on their own? All I know is I walked past the man on a street corner in New York City and I had to go buy larger pants.

and I had to go buy larger pants. And I say that as a happily married heterosexual man. Who prefers tight pants. Yes. I already wear balloonish pants, Jordan. There was plenty of room and I frankly have a small penis so it shouldn't have been an issue. It was trying to get his attention.

I became so erect. Wow. So aroused was i by he was very handsome is my point yeah uh but i mean yeah i think that that cheesecake shot of him in jurassic park is such a weird thing and it's wait there's a cheesecake shot of i haven't seen jurassic park since it was like in movie theaters uh christian can you this is something i feel like we need to see can we can Google Jeff Goldblum shirtless Jurassic Park? Christian is too busy cutting himself a slice of pie right over here.

Perfect segue. I want to let you both know I consider cheesecake a pie. I think that's reasonable. Yeah. That's reasonable. We're not going to – I've had real fights on the internet. Wait, really?

The internet took something personal personal would you believe it just like i'm the sidekick on the judge john hodgman podcast so if you think i haven't dealt with nerds weird systems weird taxonomies that will be defended to the death you are yeah yeah i'm i'm from i'm familiar with it so Jordan, okay, Christian's holding this up. Oh my gosh. Oh, wow. I am, I am. Yeah, I mean, it looks pretty good in there.

I mean, I think that exists in some liminal space between beefcake and weirdo. But isn't that the perfect intersection? Maybe it is. Maybe that is part of his appeal. Like Crispin Glover pumping iron? Sure, exactly. I bet he pumps a little. Or how juiced J.K. is part of his appeal. Like Crispin Glover pumping iron? Sure, exactly. I bet he pumps a little. Or how juiced J.K. Simmons is now.

Yes. Absolutely. Oh, boy, he's juiced. So, yeah, I mean, I think if we take that shirtless photo of Jeff Goldblum, peak Goldblum. Right. You're right. I think depending on the light or if you're wearing your corrective lenses or not or what time of day it is, how the light's coming through the curtains. You mean like a purple glow? Like a purple glow bathing a vampire princess.

He is at once a gawky weirdo or a hunk of beefcake. So you're saying this is sort of like a what color is this dress situation? I think it might be. Yeah, yeah. I can see that. Yeah. Is Jeff Goldblum handsome or not? Should we get back to Alaska here?

Because I feel like people are going to be upset. Oh, yeah. I don't have a whole lot to say about it. It's a vacation I have not taken yet. Yeah. I mainly wanted to use it as a segue into talking about outdoor vacations in general. So what kind of activities are you looking at? I just want to say, I think we had some similar success in the community talking about whether or not Jean-Claude Van Damme was hot.

I want to hear from our listeners who prefer men sexually or who include men in their sexual appetites. Yeah. Sexuality is a spectrum. You don't have to tell me that. I'm a vampire princess, motherfucker. Right. Yeah. Sorry, I got a little heated there. I understand. It's my Transylvanian blood. It's a touchy issue for you.

So yeah, let's get on the forum. Just don't bat out on me. Oh, I'll mist out. I still need a co-host. I can also turn into a mist. Jimmy Buffett also needs you. Yeah, Buffett needs me to... Those piña coladas aren't going to freeze themselves.

That's true. I want to hear from our listeners. It's Goldblum hot. Everyone is going to say Goldblum's Hot. Yeah, I think we're... We have a very specific demo. Yeah, we're pulling from a weird sample set. If you take somebody who's just really good at something,

I guess really good at something that people like, and then you also get them in good physical shape, are they automatically hot? You know what I mean? Like if they've already earned some credit with people for something else. Right. And then you also give them traps and deltoids and stuff. Are you talking about Speaker of the House Paul Ryan?

Indeed I am. He looks like some Muppet that I keep seeing in my head, but I can't call the name of. So let's open that up. Which Muppet does Speaker of the House Paul Ryan look like? Something very specific. Let's see some side-by-side memes. Yes. I would...

Yeah, I've been trying to think of it so I can make one, but I guess I'll just have them beat me to it. You see that shrimp? I don't know. You guys know that shrimp? Oh, yeah, the shrimp. The Cajun shrimp. Yeah. Oh, that shrimp is pretty fun.

Yeah, I like that shrimp. You know, a lot of people say, sure, that's not an original Muppet, so it can't be a fun Muppet. That shrimp's a pretty fun Muppet. It's pretty funny. Where's the shrimp showing up? I haven't... Oh, Muppets tonight. Muppets starring...

What's his face? Jason Segel. Jason Segel. Damn it. So I must have seen this shrimp. Yeah, he talks in a stupid French accent. Oh, wow. No, I'm drawing a blank.

Yeah, he's pretty fun. Pretty fun Muppet. I guess I don't remember fun things. So this Alaska vacation, different for me. There's not a city to go to. There's not a hotel to stay to go to there's not a hotel to stay at it's all outdoors

it's all gonna be exercise and nature based I'm excited but I have some reservations as to how I'm gonna enjoy

you know a few days with no creature comforts but yeah I wanted to ask you guys. Maybe you should just bring your bidet. I should just bring my bidet. And Mike, you got back from a European tour recently, so I'm sure you've bideted.

I have not, but there are weird toilets in Austria and Germany. You know about the shelf toilet? No. Describe this toilet. You guys don't know about the shelf toilet? No. Oh, God, no. It's nothing.

It's something to avoid, in fact. It sounds inconvenient is my first thought. It's inconvenient to me because I have American values when it comes to poop. Right. But apparently in this distinct area of the world, the toilet, gosh, it's hard to describe. But you know how our toilet is a bowl that's kind of like half full of water. Hey, you don't have to tell me about American toilets. I love them.

So their toilet, the bowl is designed where it's mostly a bowl. And then by the front of it, there's a drainage hole, which is kind of filled with water. But the toilet is mostly just a bowl. And when you flush it, it flushes whatever you put in there down into drainage hole, which is kind of filled with water, but the toilet is mostly just a bowl, and when you flush it, it flushes whatever you put in there down into the hole. Right? Right. So when you defecate, it just sits there. You have to deal with it there.

It just sits there. Like a baby's business in a diaper. Right. And they prefer it because they want to be able to see what's going on with them at all times, but I think that's good. Oh, it's a function of their interest in physical culture. Yeah. They want to make sure their muesli is doing what it's supposed to be doing.

I am horrified. And the smell. Oh, my God. Yeah. There's no buffer between you and it. You are sitting there with it. This is a really gross discussion. I'm sorry.

I apologize. This is a really gross discussion. I'm sorry. I apologize. I mean, did you take a minute to appreciate, as the Austrians do, your health vis-a-vis your stool? No, because I wasn't concerned to begin with. Okay. Right. So you were comfortable with your stool health.

Right. And I felt like if there's a problem, water wouldn't stop me from seeing it. Right. Sure. You know? Well, I agree. So you had the shelf toilet. The shelf toilet.

You know what? Maybe Christian can look up the shelf toilets. You guys can see it. It starts with this kind of bullshit going down in Austria and Germany. You know what comes next? Brexit. That's why you decided to get out? All Nigel Farage had to do was just put up a picture of one of those toilets

and say, do you want to be on this team? No thanks. Yeah. Yeah, no. All politics aside, I, yeah, those toilets are tough to deal with when you got to make that business happen. Yep, there's a shelf toilet. Yeah, it's got a shelf.

The shelf is inside the bowl, essentially. Thanks, Lee. This is a poop-free picture. Yes. Oh, thank – sorry, I didn't say that explicitly. I was worried I would see a poop. Yeah. What was the last outdoor-y thing you guys did for vacation purposes?

I don't go outside. You don't like it? I'm not outside now. Okay. I'm going to find a way to not go outside between here and home. Do you go between destinations using a secret series of underground tunnels? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, I guess no. No. Wink. Oh. Got it. No. Okay. I know about no.

No. What he means, Jordan, is that they're sky tubes. Oh, sky tubes. I'm very indoorsy. Okay. Yeah. Have you ever been dragged on anything that you haven't been wanted to? When I was a child, I was forced to go camping. Yeah.

And I decided I will never do this again on my own free will. Really? And when you say you were forced to go camping, you mean once or repeatedly? A couple times by my dad and, you know, and step family at the time. Yeah. And was your dad and step family outdoorsy? My dad is. My dad is from Michigan.

He's a he's a gun toting outdoorsy guy, you know? Yeah. doorsy guy you know yeah i i uh i'm going to my wife's grand uncle's cabin this coming week this week and you know what uh you know what that means to me jordan means i'm gonna do a lot of reading and cooking reading and cooking j does. To me, a cabin is a great vacation specifically because there are whole parts of the day where everyone else in your family is hiking and you're just reading a book. You don't get the – I like to do things like that as well. But I feel very guilty if I'm not participating in the activity. Do you have children? I have a child.

Yeah, so that is bad. But that's why you let your in-laws come, and they're excited to see. I mean, in this case, they're letting me come. Let's be clear. It's their family's cabin. But, you know, in this case, they are there to participate and they are excited. They're child starved. Right.

My in-laws live six hours drive away. They want to be with my children. Got it. They want to take them for hikes or fishing. That includes my brother and sister-in-law. So I say, good luck. I'll be at home making spaghetti sauce. You know what I mean?

All the best. Sincerely, Jesse. Also counterbalanced by the fact that by cooking, you've contributed something. Yeah. Well, that's why- I don't have any of those skills either. I mean, Mark Maron once said to me a line that I thought was solid gold. I don't think it was ever in his act, but I'm going to repeat it.

He said that he likes to cook at parties because that way he can have all the attention without talking to anyone. Oh, my God. How brilliant is that? And that's exactly how I feel in, like, family situations. I'm completely overwhelmed by family situations because my family, my parents were divorced since I was very little,

and my family was loving. I have a loving family and everything, but, like, I was my little and my family was loving. I have a loving family and everything. But like I was my mom's only child and my dad's only child until I was seven or eight. And I love my brothers, too. And you get along great with my brothers. But like it's not like my wife's family where everybody's got four kids and everybody's in a pile and they all are enjoying the scrum. And so I'm like, cool, I'll be in the kitchen making a meatloaf. I think you just also described why I like to DJ at parties,

even though I'm terrible at it. Yeah. There you go. Wow. There you go. It gives you control and acclaim without having to deal with social interaction. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Where do you feel like you fail as a DJ? I don't have any of the... Not enough ABBA. Play too many open mic eagle songs? Not enough, actually. I don't know how to blend things. You know what I mean? Just like the things that have...

You're supposed to just keep the music going in some non uh clashing way i just play a song and stop it play another song and it's like you're not even crossfading here mike well i don't have the equipment for all of that i have some software you can kind of do that but then i start trying to do it and i mess it up and it's even worse than never having tried i mike i see you out there you're you're filling there you're filling the dance floor you're dropping the needle on a guaranteed guaranteed club banger

maybe an MF Doom song absolutely, many of those I will play many of those at your party and then everybody just goes, oh shit, this my jam and they're out there on the floor like all the girls are dancing and then the guys follow. That's what happens when you play an MF Doom song.

The girls start dancing and the guys follow. I have the least amount of regard for people dancing. You just want them to stand still and appreciate the music. Yes. Just ask me what's playing. Tell me it's good. No. Well, I guess you can tell me.

Hi. I'm celebrity DJ Open Mikey. There's one thing I hate. It's the one thing DJs are for. I'm no good, but I love to do it. I love to give it the old try and fail. I can see it. I can see it.

I'd enjoy it too. Jordan, are you worried about this trip? No, I think I'm mostly looking forward to it. And I think I'm going to try and do some phone photography for Facebooking later. That's nice. Because I think this is unusual for me. That's what my shrink told me. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I was talking about how I always feel like a real third wheel in cabin activities. And he reminded me that I have the hobby of photography, and that's a nice thing to do in nature. And I was like, oh, that's a really good point. That's tight. I guess that's why you were paid to give people thoughtful advice like that. I had a therapy session today. And did photography come up at all?

Not even a little bit, but I'm wondering if that is somehow a reflection of the quality of my therapy. That photography didn't come up once. Yeah, you need to get with my boy. I'll hook you up. And I might need to take that email. I'll hook you up. I actually just bought a cabin. Yeah?

Yeah, like literally today. Because you like this cabin lifestyle so much yeah like i realized being at my in-laws cabin that um well i mean i think just like i'm i work so compulsively that like only a full physical remove from my work is enough to break me of working sure especially when you consider that like even making a dumb joke on twitter or whatever is part of my work um so after i managed to find a few lanes a few cabin lanes i realized that maybe this was some new shit for me and now i'm like what if I took up fishing? I bought an inflatable boat on Amazon.com.

Oh, sure. Inflatable. Yeah. It's part of Prime Day. This is a Prime Day purchase? This was pre-Prime Day, man. I don't need that savings. I got the money.

I got that $18.95. It's no big deal, man. It is kind of nice to vacation somewhere where Wi-Fi is scarce and that there's not like other people around working it is it is nice to be in a place where it it would look weird for you to be working god this sounds horrifying no you just gotta read a book i like books too but i also like wi-fi a bunch yeah wi-fi is neat really into wi-. Just make sure you're going to stock this place. I mean, I don't know. Are you planning on getting wireless or is this going to be a full retreat?

There's going to be – there's no cell phone up there and there's no – there's only satellite internet. We're going to get a phone line. Okay. For emergencies and stuff. Sure. But here's the – we actually were talking about – And like Freddy attacks? Yeah.

I guess you're in a cab. It would be more likely to be a Jason attack. That's only when you're sleeping is when Freddy pops up. I mean I think either way, you don't even really need an external phone line because the call is coming from inside the house. That's true. You're thinking of a scream attack. Okay. Sorry.

Which is preposterous. You're going to want to prepare for Freddy attacks and Jason attacks. Hopefully they start attacking. We had a long discussion about how much technology to have in the house. We were thinking about whether we should have a TV in there. And we bought this cabin furnished. They left the furnishings in there, which is good because it's real fucking hard to get furnishings to a cabin, as it turns out. We started thinking about that when we started

to put an offer on this cabin, and then we're like, can they leave the furniture there? It's probably also hard to take it out, so they were like, okay. Yeah, like just getting a mattress to a cabin is hard. Yeah, and that's exactly what we were relying on, Mike. They would not want to go through the hassle of taking it out.

The furniture's not very nice either. But there was a TV with a built-in VCR. Hey, combo. Oh, my God. So we're talking CRT. Yeah. Wow. Tube.

And a wicker basket full of VHS tapes. So here's the thing. So our compromise was we haven't, like, as I said, we're closing on it as we speak. Like today, earlier today or yesterday, we close on it. So I haven't been up there – Just from Amazon Prime? Yeah. It's a Prime day?

Yeah. Since – I actually bought it on Groupon. Oh. But we haven't been up there. So I don't know that this TV is up there still. But I can't imagine they would take it out. You don't even know if the cabin's up there. That's a good point.

Oh, my God. That's some real Schrodinger's cat shit. Schrodinger's vacation home. But, like, I don't know whether it's up there. But I'm presuming it is because i can't imagine someone wanting to take it home with them right what are you going to do with it they won't even take that as a donation at the goodwill so our compromise was that we would allow vhs tapes okay so i it is taken it's real hard to get a mortgage when you own a business um it's like impossible if you don't have a regular

uh i don't know if you own a house mike or we're actually looking to buy but like it's something that you will have to deal with that when you're an independent uh worker especially post 2008 it's like impossible to get a fucking mortgage even a really small one for a cabin and so it's taken us months to buy this house and in those months i, there's been kind of false starts and false closing. I get excited. And in my head, I'm like packing up the car. Like I have, I don't know if either of you obsess over spatial matters, but like that's a dad thing that I have. I obsess over how the car is going to get packed up ahead of time.

I'm a touring musician and also oftentimes tour in minivans full of people, and that is my position. Right. I am the car packer. I know how the Tetris works. Right, exactly. My family, a thousand percent. Now, are you worried that if you're figuring out how the Tetris works,

if you pack things in perfectly, a line of it will just disappear? Yeah. That's going to be a big concern. The bags start coming. I never considered that. Why are they? Where'd it go? And then if it actually did happen concern. The bags start coming. I never considered that. Why are they? Where'd it go? And then if it actually did happen, it would be my fault.

Yeah. Gosh. But to allay the anxiety, and one of my only anxiety coping strategies is to go to the thrift store. Now, the bad news is at the thrift store, VHS cassettes are five for a dollar. Oh, boy. So I have literally bought, I'm going to say, 50 VHS cassettes are five for a dollar. Oh, boy. So I have literally bought, I'm going to say, 50 VHS cassettes. You know, I actually have my complete VHS collection from college surviving in my living room.

Tell me about your crown jewels. Magnolia. Yeah. Royal Tannenbaum. These are great college VHS movies. Yeah, man. I got them. Fight Club.

Well, I did. It was mostly, you know, kept it mostly arthouse. You know what I mean? It's just, yeah. So all Wes Anderson and P.T. Anderson and Reservoir Dogs, I think, was the most action-y. Sure. Reservoir Dogs. That's a good analog for Fight Club in a VHS collection from 2000.

2000. And I still got them. I have them right with my DVDs and my GameCube games that I keep all right there in my living room. This is of an era. And my wife is constantly teasing me, especially about the GameCube games. She's really like, that's a go-to joke. Is there a GameCube? In the closet.

There's no longer a way to connect it to a television like a modern television at all yeah but yeah you know I love my that's my favorite system of all time

and I don't want to give those games away because I got really good at all of them what did you get good at you got good at 007 Asian Under Fire oh sure sure

okay and there's Tony Hawk situation the Tony Hawk situation well yes that was his unproduced pilot yeah yeah you see him ranting about the skateboarding the Tony Hawk situation? Well, yes. That was his unproduced pilot for HBO.

Yeah, yeah. You see him ranting about the skateboarding industry. Exactly. Still trying to do that 900, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you have been doing thrift store shopping for VHS. What do you got? Just buns of steel?

Man, I'll tell you what, dude. Just eight buns of steel tapes. those would be good for the kids the kids of i don't mean to criticize your children's buds he's got volumes uh one well it's a nine he's missing volume seven yeah i was like so in order to give myself some kind of a path like some kind of clear focus i'm'm like, I'm only buying legitimately great movies that I would watch right now. So that has helped. It helps me not buy Jurassic Park. Not that Jurassic Park's a bad movie, but I would characterize it probably as a good movie, an enjoyable movie. I'm like, the standard has to be that high

because otherwise at five for a dollar, I will fill the entire cabin with VHS tapes. And so that has worked really well. And I have also completely avoided anything that is like, you know, like, there's no look who's talking twos. There's no like movies that are actually kind of bad or movies that are fine

but of their time that you would watch as a joke like Three Men and a Baby. I have a question for you. Are there any movies that are probably kind of bad but you just enjoy

very, very much? The Hunt for Red October. Okay. Yeah, that was... Very fair. The Hunt for Red October. I'll just, that was... Very fair. The Hunt for Red October, I'll just watch that whenever. Love submarine movies,

I'll watch that whenever. But there was a movie at the thrift store the other day, a tape, that it was so fucking hard not to buy, Jordan. So fucking hard not to buy.

It was called Teen Aerobics. Oh, boy. This is a... I think this is a... This is kind of a famous viral thing. Is this starring, oh, boy. There's a not Shannon Elizabeth. I don't. Someone like that.

I believe that. It was, it fully looked like, like you've seen Alan Thicke singing Sweaty and Hot, the theme from the. Oh, sure. Like, you've seen Alan Thicke singing Sweaty and Hot, the theme from the aerobics, the Crystal Light National Aerobics Championships. Sorry, I have not. Well, as a musician, I think you would enjoy it because it's actually a pretty good song. Okay. Alan Thicke, pretty talented musician.

He was. Yeah, you know, if you're ever looking for just a fun YouTube thing, search the various years of the Crystal Light Aerobics Championships. These things are a goddamn hoot to watch. They really are fun. And the song, the song Sweaty and Hot, like I sing it in my head and I think, oh, come on,

what are you doing singing that song? And then I'm like, you know what? No, I actually enjoy the song Sweaty and Hot from the Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship. You probably feel better about it if they just,

if it just had a different title. I've never heard this song, though, but that just sounds like a tough thing to have to say to yourself. It's like,

why am I singing this song Sweaty and Hot? That's true. Sweaty and hot. Just call it moist and warm. Come in, do the radio night. So you didn't buy

Tina Robbins. What, what have you bought? What have you got? If you've already gotten 50 tapes. Oh, you know, fucking But you got? If you've already gotten 50 tapes. Oh, you know, fucking Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid type shit. That's a good one.

Yeah, I don't know. 50 of those. Yeah. You know, I bought some kids things. I bought like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Dr. Dolittle. You know what I'm imagining? I'm imagining the shelf with all these on them. And imagining that they all have a very, very solid level of graphic design.

It seems like all of these movies are strongly, strongly packaged. Bold. Yeah. There's a lot of high-quality packaging. Clamshell cases? Oh, we got clamshells. Whoa. We got deluxe clamshells Disney style I made a

when my fourth album came out it's called Dark Comedy I made a secret VHS tape to go out with the pre-orders of just like weird shit I did around town cool and I was trying so hard to find some damn clamshell cases

and I could not like the only ones I was able to find had like the Cinderella inserts you couldn't take it out like yeah right right right right it was terrible you should just send them out in Cinderella's uh you know I'm just wasn't that bold at the time I think I got a Cinderella maybe a Pinocchio man you know it would be great if you could if you could find VHS packaging wise old blockbuster case you can find some that are still in those old blockbuster cases you know what I just

want to watch though on VHS three days of the contour oh sure yeah that's a good that's pretty much all I want to watch

they'll probably even like look better on VHS I feel like some of those old 70s movies like when they get all nice and cleaned up kind of lose some of their

I just want to watch fucking Robert Redford movies basically filthy charm just want to sit in a cabin and watch Robert Redford movies and nobody bothers me you want a want to sit in a cabin and watch Robert Redford movies and nobody bothers me.

You want a little bit of those tracking lines too. Yeah, you got to have a little tracking lines. I definitely, I see the value of like D technology connecting, but I feel like when I'm relaxing,

I just want to have a movie streaming thing there. You know, I feel like I just want to be able to like watch a movie when it's time. I have a, you know, a thing I like to do, I feel like I just want to be able to like watch a movie when it's time. I have a, you know, a thing I like to do.

I'm in a lot of hotel rooms and one of my favorite things to do is just, you know, HDMI cable, hook the laptop to the hotel room TV and just watch Netflix and shit.

It's just like comforting, right? Like it's just, but I found it lately. There are a lot of TVs, I mean, a lot of hotels that have what they call hospitality TVs. Oh, yeah.

Where they don't let you access the HDMI jack. They want you to buy their pornos. They do. What about my own pornos? Yeah, right. The ones I already like. Thank you. Yeah, he's got a curated collection.

Yeah, much like your GameCube games. Exactly. All on the shelf in the living room. It's weird that they're in the living room, yeah. It is. I do feel like it is when you're in a hotel and you're poking around. It just seems so prehistoric to either watch live TV or pay for a movie. I feel like a hotel TV should have some sort of on-demand-y thing, right?

Well, they do have on-demand, but I was going to watch Hail Caesar the other day. I was in a Chicago hotel room, and I was like, okay, I can't hook my shit up, so let me see what they got. I'm looking at all the movies, and I'm finally like, I want to watch Hail Caesar. I'm going to watch Hail Caesar. And I go to press it, and it's $17.99.

No! I'm like, are you kidding me? $17.99? It's like a fifth of what it costs for the room! You know what I mean? I'm like are you kidding me 1799 it's like a fifth of what it costs to put a room you know what I mean like come on we're at the best western here so are you also

for the cabin instigating a hard copy pornography policy I think I'm just going to be fucking that's my plan right now it seems like maybe that's what cabins are mostly for. A little F in the C. Junk, junk. C is for cabin.

Okay, what the hell? That's good enough for me. Thank you so much for differentiating. Yeah, C is for cabin. Thank you for the clarity. Yeah. I'll be making love to my wife. C is for cabin and clarity.

Raising Arizona. Oh, yes. That's a good one. Oh, yes, absolutely. Good VHS. Got a lot of VHS. Life of Brian. Mm-hmm. You know, shit like that.

Yeah. Shit you'd just be ready to watch. I'll lend you Magnolia if you want it. I don't know if I need to watch Magnolia. That's probably a two. That's probably a two. It is a two. It's two.

It's Magnolia and It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World are the two essential two VHS. I feel like It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World might be a three VHS situation. Yeah. Might be. In that movie, like three and a half. Rubber banded together. Yeah. Yeah.

If you can find a hulking stack of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, that'd be a fun one. Yeah. I'd probably like that. I've never seen that. I'm on board. Okay, look. We've been gabbing too long. Let's's take a break we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go hi i'm comedian emily heller and i'm cartoonist lisa hannawalt and we're the host of baby geniuses do you want to learn weird new facts do you like hearing successful creative

women talk about their poop do you you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony? If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you. We interview people like Paula Tompkins, Kristen Schaal, Maiful Che, and more. So check us out on Maximum Fun. And let us mess with your brain. Yes, please. We know everything. Baby geniuses tell us something we don't know. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Eagle, banana cream pie expert. Okay, we're going to take some calls, but I want to mention something real quick. That is, so Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer, currently based in London, England. Mike, you know where that is from touring. I'll explain it to you, Jordan. It's a country far across the Atlantic Ocean.

That's the one near New York where I know you've been. I'm just mentioning this because I know how uncultured you are, Jordan. Although, to be fair, your work for the Buffett Empire has taken you far and wide. Yeah, yeah, sure. But mostly airport arrivals terminals. Yeah. And various coves. Oh, sure. I've been around the world. But mostly airport arrivals terminals. Yeah. And various coves. Oh, true. Yeah, so Brian's been in London, England, working on the television show that he works on.

But he sent us an email yesterday with two hot new tees. Hot tees? Yeah. So Brian sometimes will design t-shirts while he's producing the show because it's pretty boring to produce the show. It's not something he would choose

to listen to. And so there's two new t-shirts. They're both limited edition. They're at maxfundstore.com right now.

One of them says, hi, my name is Duke Goobler. Folks who've listened to last week's show know Duke Goobler is our pitch for a new name for Ryan Lewis of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Is he still accepting pitches, by the way? Yeah, sure. I mean, if he knew what it was good for him, he'd just call himself Duke Goobler. Of course.

Who wouldn't? would just call himself Duke Goobler. Of course. Who wouldn't? I mean, one of the big problems he had is he was having all the people address their pitches to Ryan Lewis, care of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, Seattle, Washington State, et cetera.

But people would forget Ryan Lewis. They'd forget what that name was. He needs a more distinctive name. Hence the reason for pitches. You're right. Yeah, so the new, all Grammys in the Future in the hip-hop categories

will go not to Macklemore featuring Ryan Lewis, but Macklemore and his friend Duke Goobler. So we've got that Duke Goobler t-shirt on sale.

And also, I think there was a lot of talk from people, both who had Summer Boy t-shirts and who had missed out on Summer Boy t-shirts. But given the recent changes to the Summer Boy situation, they required some update in the Summer Boy design.

Of course, Summer Boy was previously, while non-gendered, spelled Summer B-O-Y. And Summer Boy, of course, describes the state of ultimate summerness. Jordan, you took the initiative to change that last letter. Yeah, you just got to update it. So this year, in light of what's going on on the internet,

I think it should be sold B-O-I. You just want to keep it current, evolve or die. Certainly sometimes pronounce Summer Boi. You could. You just want to keep it current. Evolve or die. Certainly sometimes pronounce some or blah. You could. You could say that. I'm not going to stop you. That's optional.

That's kind of a cherry on top situation. I think maybe whenever you're sitting on a bidet, it would automatically change to an I. Yeah. Has that jet hit you? Mm-hmm. Right then. Right then. I had a Birdman moment when you initially said that the email came with two hot teas.

I was imagining like herbal teas. Some nice tea bags. What kind of attachment was this? And when you say you had a Birdman moment, what you mean is that Birdman, of course, is famous for sending all of the Cash Money recording artists hot tea. He is. Manny Fresh, hot tea. Drake, hot tea. But only Lipton's.

He doesn't want to spring for anything. Yeah. More than that. Do you guys remember when they signed Tina Marie? I do remember that day. That was weird. What was that about? I don't know.

Who's that? A white R&B singer from the 80s. Okay. A great one. She's fantastic. Often associated with Rick James.

Fire and Desire was their duet. That was huge. But probably my favorite Tina Marie song, like a lot of people, is Square Biz. Square Biz.

Talking Square Biz to your honey you can't see square you guys can't see jesse's uh elbow and shoulder shake yeah i was doing a square biz dance that's called doing the biz and video component uh yeah so they tina marie signed like a 53 year old tina marie signed to cash Money before she died, like two years later, but without having released any projects. I have no fucking clue what was going on there. You know, Aftermath does a similar thing sometimes. They just sign people and they're just around for a year and they don't do anything.

Right. anything. Right. But I mean, I don't think we're talking here about, like, I don't think Tina Marie is directly analogous to Bishop Lamont. Right. You know what I mean? Or Raekwon or Busta Rhymes. Did Raekwon

sign to Aftermath? Raekwon was on Aftermath for a second. I remember that Rakim was on Aftermath because he was on that Truth Hurts song. Right. He sounded he was on that Truth Hurts song. Right. He was sounded pretty good

on that Truth Hurts song not gonna lie. The object to fatter profit as I recall was one of the things on that song. I think we should talk

about Jimmy Buffett music more. I feel like Jordan Jordan just checked out. I was a little lost in her. So anyway we got the Summer Boy T with an I and this year we made it white. We're flipping the script on it. As usual available in So anyway, we got the Summer Boy tea with an eye.

And this year we made it white. We're flipping the script on it. As usual, available in both a tea and a tank for full Summer Boy action. All of that online. Two weeks only. MaxFunStore.com. Order it now. Get it while the getting's good.

I thought you were talking to me. I was going to pull out my phone and order it right now Yeah, order that shit, Mike We force all the guests to order a t-shirt Okay, I'll do it You're on the team now, Mike This appearance is costing you Whatever it takes 20 bucks or however much the t-shirt costs

I don't know how much it costs I played as a frat in college So I did all sorts of weird shit to be To have fake friends at one point What's the weirdest frat thing you had to do? Can't even talk about it. That's the worst part. It's all very illegal.

Okay. Hazing is very, very illegal. Okay. So everybody will go to jail if we talk about stuff that happens. I don't think that's

their priority investigatively. Actually, frats get in trouble every year for hazing. I don't mean to be rude. it's been a while since you were in college it's true but my fraternity is still active we could pinpoint your college based on

what vhs that's true that's very true we uh we only had one fraternity at uc santa cruz there was a there was a couple of uh what they call ethnic interest fraternities fraternities and sororities there was an asian american one i think at ucsc uh but they weren't like they don't like live together and all that kind of stuff yeah we didn't live together either we just really you had to do pledge stuff and you didn't even live in a special house well we didn't have like there was a house but the house you could only like six people could live in a house and there was like 30 of us on campus. So we were all spread out across the college town.

There was a show called Frat Life on MTV. And they started a frat at our college while we were there to satisfy the requirements of Frat Life on MTV. stole some fish that turned out to be from a pond that turned out to be like 25 years old, these fish, and worth like thousands of dollars each. Jesus. And so they all got expelled. And the frat got eliminated. Yeah.

It was a disaster. I think this is Santa Cruz. I think they faced criminal animal endangerment charges or whatever. It was raw. Okay. We got calls. We got calls. Yeah, that's right. If you have a momentous, if something momentous happens to you, call us for our segment Momentous Occasions.

Our phone number, which you should put in your telephone, is 206-984-4FUN. We're also accepting some summer block calls and of course the occasional moment of shame. Let's hear what Christian's got on tap. Roll tape, Chris. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guests. This is Marie in Nashville, Tennessee. And I just decided to get myself a little something to eat at a fast food establishment. And I went through the drive-thru and everything was normal when I placed the order and I pull around to the window and got my money and then he looked at his watch and then he wasn't there at the window anymore and next thing I knew he was like walking out through the exit that was right there by the drive-thru line and he walks out to his car and he just pulls out and he leaves and he just pulls out, and he leaves.

And I look inside the restaurant, and nobody seems to have noticed that he's gone. And I waited a minute because I thought, well, maybe I'm just reading this wrong, but nobody came. I had to bang on the drive-thru window to get the attention of somebody. The manager comes over and is like, what's wrong? And I'm like, well, your guy took my money, he did not give me my food, and he just drove away.

And so I got to inform the manager that his employee had just walked off the job. But my lunch is free. So that's pretty great. Have a great day, guys. Bye. Yeah, it's worth it. Yeah, sounds like she was present for someone's last straw. Yeah.

It was just like, this dude's... Jordan. He was done. Jordan, I don't mean to be presumptuous here, but it sounds like she was someone's last straw. Yeah, yeah. That's the part of the story that got left out here. I wonder how, yeah, how difficult is your fast food order?

I mean, she sounds like a nice lady. I don how, yeah, how difficult is your fast food order? Mmm. I mean, she sounds like a nice lady. I don't mean to presume that she was. She sounded like a real bitch to me. Oh, boy. I don't know.

I imagined Kristen Bell talking the whole time, so I was... The fact that you would walk out on... It was euphoric for me. You were just walking out sunshine.

I was. Yeah. I was. But also, my first thought was that, is this restaurant haunted? And then my second thought was, this is not even a restaurant. Oh, maybe people feel like, yeah, we've had a drive-thru here 10 years ago.

It closed when someone died, I think 10 years ago today. She left out that the guy didn't have feet. Yeah, right. Yeah, and that the car floated into the air as opposed to drove off onto the road. I'd be willing to bang on the thing if it meant a free lunch. I don't think I would bang on the thing. I think I would park and go in. I'm not

a scene starter, though. I am also non-confrontational. Pleasant doormat. So I think I would probably not bang. I don't have a banging personality. I'd probably pull my heater. Yeah. Aim it in that window and say, don't fuck with me. Yeah.

Where's my hand pie? I bring a gun to Arby's. Let's take our next call, Chris. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Bailey calling from St. Louis.

I was just in the parking lot buying wine for Shakespeare in the Park and I overheard this kid go... I don't know. I feel like this is too braggy. Yeah. A, Shakespeare in the Park.

B, wine. I know. I mean, the fact that she's not chugging malt liquor at Shakespeare in the Park, this suggests a real... What do you call him, Jesse? A real smuggledist? A real smuggledist. A real smuggledist. Yeah. I kind of, you know, also, I really don't like being

referred to as guest. I have a name, and I feel like they should guess what the name is. Yeah, no, it's disrespectful. Even if they don't know, they should call out, they should just, I would rather be called the wrong name. You would rather be Karen Kilgariff. Yes, sure. Where did this woman come from? San Francisco?

I mean, this is one of those homosexual enclaves. Those are enclaves of ivory tower homosexuality. Oh, boy. I'd love to live in one of those. That would be great. All right, so she's getting wine for Shakespeare in the Park. Yeah, so she's getting wine for Shakespeare in the Park. We get it.

Only watches documentaries. We know. Probably the good shit. Probably $10 wine. Yeah, I know. This ain't no yellow tail. And I overheard this kid go, Ew!

See his dad approach their car. The dad goes, Bird's got a poop too. Got to be the best thing you've ever heard. Have a good day, guys. What did the guy say? The kid said, Ew! And the dad went, Bird's got a poop too. I did the guy say? The kid said, ew, and the dad went, birds gotta poop too.

I hope the kid got pooped on. That's called the birds and the bees, Mike. You'll need to know that as a father. Well, hopefully I get to hear from a drunk woman like that. She's drunk on power. Yeah. She's drunk on the... And the words of the bard.

That's what I call Shakespeare. And the Bill Shakespeare. Disgust of what I call Shakespeare. And the Bill Shakespeare. Disgust of nearby children. Yeah. I call him Billy Shakes. You know what? And Mike, you're a professional hip hop rapper. So you can tell me if this seems off base.

But, you know, Jordan, you know how much I love Shakespeare, right? Sure. And you're always talking about it. Now, I kind of think that in a way, Shakespeare is the original rapper. I've heard that, too. Yeah. You know, it's something that... Those t-shirts you had printed out. It's something that I've been thinking about ever since...

Now, Mike, you don't know this, but I recently took a job teaching English at an inner city high school. And these kids are tough. These kids are tough, Mike, but they're sweet, Jordan. They're sweet too. There's something sweet inside them. You know, they've been through a lot of tough stuff. Some of them don't have the best family situations. But if I feel like-

Some of them, I'm sure, are pregnant. That's absolutely the case. One of them- Babies having babies. One of them i'm sure are pregnant that's absolutely the case one of them is having babies one of them is actually lauren hill but at the end of the day i use whatever tools i've got in my toolbox and i should also explain i carry a toolbox to school you also because if they don't do the whole work you hit the wind right you gotta you gotta crack that exterior to get to the soft meat of their hearts. A toolbox, a handgun, and a hand pie. Right.

Exactly. You want to get this straight. One of the things we'll get through to the kids. If he's not impressed by the gun, he'll love that pie. Yeah. Dessert. Dessert. And at the end of the day, if I can't get through to him, I'll roll out that TV VCR and put on Teen Aerobics.

Yeah. Roll, indeed, on the old cart that you plug the TV into. 206-9844-FUN is the number to call if you want me to inspire you to love. I just want, listen, to counteract this call. Yeah. I liked it. I liked the poop. I agree with you. Adding the, I'm buying wine to go see Shakespeare in the park was, you know, an unnecessary flaunting of a lifestyle.

I thought you were going to say you agree with me that Shakespeare was the original rapper, but I guess that's self-evident. I don't agree with you. I think it was Ben Johnson. He wrote all Shakespeare's raps. A common man couldn't have written a rap. A common man could never have a flow that tight. Exactly. Yeah, it takes an aristocrat.

You know, if you're buying a case of natty ice to go to see Nickelback, let us know. Give us a call. Yeah. Where are you at, folks? Copping some sane eyes so they can see their favorite song, All Star, performed by whatever the fuck that band is called. Sure.

The one and only Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth, thank you. The one and only. I thought if I talked through that sentence, I would think of what Smash Mouth was called, but I really lost that word. There's not too many reasons for you to remember. San Jose Zone.

Were they? Are they? Yeah. Were they? They're San Joseans. They're probably still there. They're probably the greatest San Joseans of all time. Wow.

I'd say. I mean, if I lived in San Jose right now, I'd vote for them for president. Yeah, sure. Of San Jose. I know what you're going through. The Silicon Valley. Well, top San Joseans of all time. I would say first, second place is Nickelback.

First place is San Jose. I think Nickelback are Canadian. Sorry, excuse me. What are they called again? Smash Mouth. Yeah. Second place is Smash Mouth. First place, San Jose Sharks legend, Artur Urbe.

Mm-hmm. So those are probably the two greatest San Joseans of all time. I don't know. There's this underground rapper named Meg Abusive whose hat I'd want to toss into that ring as well. Really? Of course. Yeah, he's going to be number three. All right.

That's fair. That's very fair. Meg Abusive? Meg Abusive is his name. I'm not familiar with Meg Abusive. I'll hip you later. Okay. Yeah, he's going to be number three. All right. That's fair. That's very fair. Meg Abusive? Meg Abusive is his name. I'm not familiar with Meg Abusive. I'll hip you later. Okay. What's he got, an album with Bus Driver?

I don't think they ever made a record together. But they definitely know each other. Yeah, they're friends. Yeah, they're friends. Absolutely. They're friends. The San Jose Underground is actually pretty thick. Really?

Yeah, man. And they're very angry people. They don't have any concert venues there i remember that uh san jose shows would often would often be in santa cruz when we lived in santa cruz i have rapped in san jose a bunch a lot of how are the crowds a lot of bad ones okay bad bad crowds a lot of crowds full of those angry rappers who i was talking about you You mostly performing at the Computer Museum? The Computer Museum? What is that? San Jose Museum of Innovation or something.

What the fuck is that called? Sorry, San Joseans. I have no idea. San Jose's a nice town. I've enjoyed it there. I like San Jose. And I've also felt like it was a mistake that I was there. Like every other time it alternated, you know?

What do you think is the cause of the anger? Mike, if to pinpoint it what do you think that's coming well because it's a nice place the sand imagine it's crime ridden the particular anger of the san jose rappers of whom i speak is that they were always upset because they were very technically good but they never had any like record business opportunities. Sure. And they always felt kind of like guys from LA got unduly noticed, but that was just proximity to the business. Sure. Which is half true, but also doesn't matter.

You know? There's nothing to get angry about. You should move if you don't like where you are. You know? Yeah. I think the Bay Area rap scene is sort of an enveloping and comfortable womb. You know, but that's for the guys in San Francisco and North Bay and Oakland. They have their separate ecosystem.

But what about, like, isn't Fash on from, like, Fresno or Sacramento or something? He is from Fresno. What about these dudes from Sacramento? What about all those Quantum Projects guys? They're all from Sacramento. Yeah, and they built their own thing, and they had their nice business thing going for a second. You're right.

But that was a little separated from San Jose. Those guys felt like they were an island. Where's Jimmy Buffett from, Jordan? I have the slightest. I really don't know where Jimmy is. International Waters, probably. He's probably born on a schooner. He's probably born on the Scientology boat.

Yeah, there you go. He's the only child of L. Ron Hubbard. I know he was the subject of the film Born on the Fourth of July. Mm-hmm, yeah. Well, there you go. I think his origin story is cloudy. Even though it's been retold every time they reboot the movie. Yeah, exactly.

But, yeah, I think unclear. I think he likes it that way. Really? You think he's sort of shrouding his early life in mystery? Yeah. You know. Or sort of find mist. Yeah, exactly.

A real Sierra mist. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Michael Eagle, banana cream pie digester. No, it was supposed to be... Banana cream Mike or something like that.

Banana cream Mike. This is way punchier. I couldn't say that. Banana cream Mike Eagle. I couldn't commit to it. I'm sorry. It was fun, though. Now, we all got to have a piece of the pie in question. Yeah.

A pie you were skeptical of, Michael. Very. Because it contained a whole banana. I condemned it. Yeah. Sure, you were very outspoken against the pie. You were dramatically condemned it to life. I admit it fully, wholeheartedly. But have you changed your tune? It was delicious.

Okay. It was absolutely delicious. That's a good-ass pie, right? It was damn good. It was indeed hells of good. And it It was absolutely delicious. That's a good-ass pie, right? It was damn good. It was indeed hells of good. And it's weird how those whole bananas actually kind of work in there, right? I left a little banana. Yeah, I see that banana down there. But it was frozen. Yeah, so the pie came out of the freezer, so it was a little tough on the chew.

The chew was a little tough. That was Christian's fault. It was tasty little tough on the chew. The chew was a little tough. That was Christian's fault. It was tasty, though. I blame Christian for that because he, for some reason, does not believe in microwaving pies. That's how you get negative ions in there. That's how you get ghost pie. Yeah, exactly. Thank you.

Thank you. Ghost hand pie. I do not have room in my life for a ghost pie right now. It was about 10 years ago we microw went back away from that pie, actually. 10 years to the day. Pie in years. I got drunk at that drive-thru and pulled a gun on the guy. Whole restaurant disappeared. Jesus Christ. The mythos

of this particular episode of Jordan Jessico may be the most complex we've ever created. There's a rich fictional universe here. So supernatural. We're going to need some flow charts, people. Yeah. So tell us if you think Jeff Goldblum is attractive. JordanJesseAndMike'sWeirdBullshit.Wikia.com.

Yeah. Go to work. You know, describe the fictional universe that we've created. Vampire Princess, Ghost Pie, and Jimmy Buffett. You've created Vampire Prince's Ghost Pie and Jimmy Buffett. Mike Eagle, what's your most recent rap record release? It's called Hella Personal Film Festival, and I should rename it Hells of Personal Film Festival. Well, if you were ready to take it to that next level Bay Area shit, you would know that the next step above Hella Personal is Hells of Personal.

I should make a follow up project. There you go. And lean more into the personal film festival so it could be hells of. But right now it's still hella. And not only are you a beloved and successful rap artist, you're about to become perhaps the most popular podcaster in the world. Oh, I think so. How's this project going? Because you have a new podcast with our friend Hal Lublin.

I do. This is going to be a great podcast with our friend Hal Lublin. I do. This is going to be a great podcast. Oh my God. I'm very excited about it. It's called Tights and Fights. And it's about professional wrestling which is a huge passion of mine. I've been having this podcast

by myself in my car for many years. So it's a joy to be able to come here and talk into these microphones and have everyone else hear. I legitimately feel like there is no subject that has ever been more requested as a subject of a MaxFun podcast than professional wrestling. And I feel like I am so lucky that I have met the three of you and know about this passion that you have. Oh, man.

It's just flowing out of me. I want to talk about wrestling all the time. Is that a Jimmy Buff of me. I want to talk about wrestling all the time. Is that a Jimmy Buffett tune? I want to talk about wrestling all the time. I think you were doing that sweaty and hot dance. Yeah, yeah. Indeed. Oh, the square biz dance.

Forgive me. Do you keep up with wrestling? Do you watch Monday Night Raw? Yeah, I do every week. I watched it last night, and I didn't get home. Oh, I joined a volleyball league. Okay. I joined an indoor volleyball league league and the first game was last night um but it was at nine so i didn't get a chance to start watching raw until about 10 30 last night and it's three hours and i watched the

whole thing i watched the whole thing because i gotta be ready your child was crying in the next room daddy daddy i need you i'm starving no No, that is not how it went at all. You were out playing volleyball and watching Raw. He does have another parent. It's okay if I leave the house sometimes, I think. Are you watching Raw at home or are you going to some sort of Raw bar?

Definitely. Eat oysters and watch Monday Night Raw. I don't think my wife would let me go to a Raw bar. I just feel like... wife would let me go to a raw bar. I just feel like that's kind of... Hey, Eddie, I'm going to the raw bar. Sounds like the kind of thing that's off limits. Inside a homosexual tower.

Let's open a raw bar. We can call it Raw Dog. Yeah, of course. And we can watch wrestling. It'd be great. It's very confusing as to what goes on in this bar. Do you watch wrestling, eat oysters, or have unprotected sex? You know nothing's cooked. I am so glad, Mike, that you have joined this volleyball team.

Oh, yeah, man. Because I don't know if you knew this, but I actually originally started that volleyball team as a way to inspire my inner city students. Bump set spike, we would chant. Well, you might be disappointed to know that i am the only african-american in attendance these days oh no floor because it's so this league that this league is all latino um it is uh like a hundred percent latino uh it's uh my team is mostly as. And the team we played against was a lot of racially ambiguous people, actually. So a volleyball team that looked like America.

Yes. Is that Apple D-App? It looked like America in 2040. Okay, sure. The team that we were playing against. It looks like the rave scenes from The Matrix. Everyone is... Just brown enough.

So check out Mike's great new podcast when it debuts in a few weeks. Tights and Fights. Month or show, Tights and Fights. You'll hear about it on all these MaxFun shows. Join me and Jordan in MaxFunCon East. MaxFunConEast.com for tickets. That is Labor Day weekend in the Poconos.

That's going to be a blast. You know, I was going to say it was going to be a hoot. I'm kicking it up a notch. Hoot and a half. Oh, hoot and a half. Okay. It'll also be a blast. Yeah, a blast. A hoot. I mean, I'm going to blast some motherfuckers with my heater. Yeah, right. Bam, bam.

Bitch better have my hand pie. Like they were insolent drive-thru employees. Yeah, or, you know, back-talking inner-city high school students. Right. We've established that I murdered them. Yeah, yeah. With wrench or gun. Only as necessary.

Yeah. That's actually how we first hired Christian. Yeah. Okay. Cool. 206-984-4FUN. Maximumfun.reddit.com. Hashtag JJGO on Facebook in the Maximum Fun Facebook group.

And by liking Jordan and Jesse Go, lots of fun stuff happening there. A lot of fun memes lately. I want to say thank you to everybody who's been making fun memes for Jordan Jesse Go. Memes are great. They're the language of a new generation. And you're right that if you're going to focus your efforts on any fan culture, it should be one that no one else you know likes. Yeah, there you go. Make something that is confusing to everyone else.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.