Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 440: Murder Kroger with Steve Agee

Episode Date: August 8, 2016

Comedian and actor Steve Agee joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the dangerous grocery stores of Atlanta, what characters make up the Suicide Squad, Steve's Comic Con appearance for Guardians of the Galaxy, and Jordan's nightmare about his Amazon Echo.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm the host of the program, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Uh, Jordan Morris, boy detective. What's wrong, Jordan? We're starting on a bad note. I, I'm a little logy. Yeah? Because in the car on the way over, I ate an entire plastic container of watermelon spears.

I had too many spears. Too many spears. Oh, boy. A classic problem. Too many spears. Right. It's going to affect my performance today. Right.

I'm sure you'll you know you'll hear you'll hear it in my voice it's the voice of a man who ate too many spears just just a bit of a water log yeah it's a little bit oof yeah i'm i got i got extra water weight uh-huh i got a bad case of sweet tongue sure because these were sweet melons oh these spe Oh, these spears. I love them. I know I should have stopped. Halfway through, I'm like, oh, man, I've been mindlessly eating these spears for 15 minutes. And I got to stop. Man, I love those spears.

Jordan, can I ask you a serious question? Yeah, I guess. Because I know we're having a lot of fun talking about spears here. Sure. We're having a lot of fun talking about spears here. Are you a man that, given the choice of a jug of sliced fruit, will always go with a watermelon jug? A jug of sliced fruit. Yeah.

Don't you get like a pail of spears? Yeah. And then will you always go with watermelon? No. Because I mean mangoes out there. Mangoes, great. I won't pass up a mango. If we're talking about a man or a lady with a cart, you're going to want to get a lot of mixed fruit.

You're going to want to put some jicama in there. So you want the full mix. Yeah. This is a regional, and this for our audience that does not live here in Southern California, this is one of the best things about living in Los Angeles. Possibly the single best thing as far as I'm concerned is that there are fruit men and women out there on the streets. Let's just call them fruit folks. Yeah, fruit folk out there shopping fruits for you.

They'll put them in a bag. They'll put them in a styrofoam container, and often they will sell them already sliced in a clear plastic jug or pail. And this was not from a fruit folk. This was just from the supermarket. Ugh. No, they were tasty. Ugh. Listen, if I had access to a fruit folk, I would have-

What are you, at Kroger's? Not at Kroger's. You have access to this. You have access to this, Jordan. Yeah. There's four within one block of here. But you don't just like, you don't keep sliced fruit in the house? Not from Kroger's?

Yeah. I don't just keep the fruit from the Piggly Wiggly. It's from Ralph's. Why are you going to the Piggly Wiggly? That's in Georgia or something. Because I like a girl there. Thought we had a connection. That's your first country hit, I like a girl at the Piggly Wiggly.

Right. Let's get Willie Nelson on the line and write this thing out. No way. I'm not chipping in Nelson. I'm not splitting my cut with Nelson. Really? He's just going to spend it on drugs. And I need that money for drugs.

I will split it with the lovely Miss Tricia Yearwood. Okay. If she'd like to co-write this. What about Blake Shelton? Yeah, okay. He seems cool. Yeah, he does. He seems like a cool guy.

Yeah. I'd like to kick it with him. Oh, yeah. I don't know who that is. He seems... I know that's a guy. He was there... I know that's a man.

He was there for Gwen when she broke up with Gavin. Mm-hmm. So I feel like he's probably the kind of guy that you would want to write a song about. Who are Gwen and Gavin? Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Come on. 90s super couple?

Yes. They broke up recently. So? And Blake Shelton was the shoulder that Gwen cries on. Oh. They're co-stars of, I want to say, The Voice, but it could be America's Got Talent or something. Huh.

Boy, you know what? I don't want to get... I was thinking it would be okay to get into business with Blake Shelton because it was a name that I recognized. Do you want to write this thing? And not one that I automatically associated with drug use. Right. Mr. Nelson.

Right. But now that I know... with drug use. Right. Mr. Nelson. Right. But now that I know. Mr. William Nelson. But now that I know that he's breaking up 90s super couples. Uh-huh. I don't think I want any part of that. No, he didn't break them up. Well, well, well, I mean.

Come on. I mean, I bet you think that Tom Hiddleston didn't break up Taylor Swift and the celebrity DJ Skrillex, whom she was previously involved with. Taylor Swift dated Skrillex? She dated a celebrity DJ. It's either Skrillex or Diplo. Skrillex or Diplo. I don't think she dated... Calvin Harris. My next guess is going to be Tiesto, which I say, which I pronounce as Tizio.

What are we talking about? I don't remember. Spears? Something about Spears. Too many Spears. Let's introduce our guest on the program. I'm just going to go ahead and stipulate. Number one, the fruit from the Fruitman is always better than the fruit from the refrigerator case at the grocery store.

Even if you're going to a fancy grocery store and paying $8 for your Spears. Even if you're at the Whole Foods. Which, by the way, I call it Whole Paycheck. I call it Tar-Jay. That's what I call Whole Foods. I call Whole Foods tar-jay. Hold on. You're mischaracterizing me. I'm not saying

that the fruit from the freezer, the fruit from the case... Can you just put that on hold just for a second? I call it Bed Bath & Beyond, which leads to a lot of coupon confusion. I'm not saying that the fruit from the cold case is better than the fruit from the fruit folk. It's not.

No, of course it isn't. But you want to have healthy snacks around the house for when the snack bug bites you. Right. And I think sliced fruit's a pretty good option. First of all, be careful buying furniture from thrift stores because that's how you get the snack bugs. Yeah, absolutely. Is that a racial slur? Snack bug?

I'm not sure. I hope not. Either way, we're building a wall to keep them out and making them pay for it, those snack bugs. Anyway, we should introduce our guest, but I do want to agree with you that it is superior, but I think sliced fruit's a fine thing to have around the house when you need a snack. Just limit yourself to how many spears you eat, or it will adversely affect the podcast you're about to record. And if you're going to choose, choose mango. Don't be an idiot.

Sorry you don't like fruit variety. I'm sorry you're just scarfing down mangoes, not getting enough watermelon vitamins. Jordan, mango is the most popular fruit in the world, and there's a reason it's the most popular fruit in the world. It's also the most delicious fruit in the world. I'm not making a value judgment about mango. I am. I just think variety. I just did.

Are you saying that variety is not the spice of life? Spice up your mango if you're looking for variety. Put some chile. Just change your mango slightly? Yeah. Okay. Have you ever salted a mango? Yes.

Okay. It's good. Fair enough. It's good. Just like to have different fruits sometimes. I'm going to find out. Jesus fucking Christ. Look, we're going to throw this thing to our guest.

Yeah. And he's going to settle this once and for all. Okay. Our guest, of course, is the star of Guardians of the Galaxy 2. A beloved regular here. I've seen the photographs from Comic-Con. He's a beloved regular here on Jordan Jesse Go. Stand-up comedian and podcaster, Mr. Steve Agee.

Boy, there was a lot covered in that intro. Yeah. What's your top spear fruit? I would go mango if it was there. Right. I love a good watermelon, though. I was just at a barbecue, and there was sliced watermelon, and I could not stop eating it.

Yeah, it's addictive. I don't know what a spear is, though. It's just the shape that it was cut in. Okay. Yeah. Can I ask you guys a question about watermelons real quick? And I feel like I have been unduly harsh on watermelons in my zeal defending mangoes, which are my favorite.

No one was attacking mangoes. You say defend like we were attacking it. No one was saying that they weren't good. You cast aspersions upon mangoes. Never. No one was saying that they weren't good. You cast aspersions upon mangoes. You suggested that you would prefer to eat a sickening volume of watermelons before you would even consider a delicious mango.

Okay. That was not my intent. I prefer a manila mango, the little yellow one, over the big green one. Yeah. That's better. It's got a better consistency. It doesn't get stringy. By the way, I was amazed that you mentioned Kroger's because just two days ago I was talking to somebody

about the murder Kroger's in Atlanta. Do you know about murder Kroger's? What? No. Hold that because I want to finish what I was about to say, but then we are definitely going to get into the murder Kroger's. Does anyone remember what I was about to say? Little yellow mangoes. Yeah.

Got to salt them up. Yeah. All right. Who cares? Let's talk about this. What's a murder Kroger? Murder Kroger's. Well, you mentioned Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

When I was in Atlanta shooting that. You are really in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I am really in. That wasn't a made up credit. No, I am in it. Technically, the star of it is Chris Pratt from television's. There's probably about 10 stars of it ahead of me. Are you more or less prominent than Groot in the movie?

I think Groot is in every one of my scenes. Cool. What's he like? Really quiet. What's he like off camera? Really quiet. Does he say anything else other than I am Groot? Or is that consistent?

No, he doesn't. Okay. I like that. He's real on camera. He's not putting on a show. Can I ask you a question? This is who I am. About Groot.

Yeah. Because Groot's one of my favorite celebs. Does he his own insta or does he have is there an insta is there a group instagram i mean no that's like the only that's why i signed up for insta if there's not fucking get on that internet come on is he doing stories now is he doing instagram stories oh yeah i love groot snaps i love groot snaps is this a real thing no oh but it's something Instagram stories. Oh, yeah. Ugh. I love Groot Snaps. I love Groot Snaps. Is this a real thing? No. Oh.

But it's something you say five times fast to warm up. Groot Snaps, Groot Snaps, Groot Snaps, Groot Snaps. Yeah, I always end up saying Toy Boat. Yeah. Toy Boat, Toy Boat. Unique New York. You know you need Unique New York. You know you need Unique New York.

Fuck it. So, okay. So you're in Atlanta filming the sequel to the hit movie Guardians of the Galaxy. And I was walking along this walkway. I don't think it's a dangerous area anymore, but we were walking past a Kroger's and my friend pointed to the Kroger's and said, That's murder Kroger's. Oh, boy. And I go, what? And he's like, a bunch of people have been murdered at that Kroger's and said, that's murder Kroger's. Oh, boy. And I go, what?

And he's like, a bunch of people have been murdered at that Kroger's. Did you... Back before it became... Now there's a Whole Foods across the street and there's all these nice... That's the arson Whole Foods. You're always trying to burn it down.

But yeah, he called it the murder kroger's and then uh just a few days ago i wish i could remember who i was with but someone was someone mentioned murder kroger's and i was like oh my god it really so that is the actual nickname yeah of that kroger's in atlanta do their ghosts still hauntedunt it? I hope so. Yeah. Like a nice haunted Kroger. I never went into a Kroger's. What's it equal to? Like a Ralph's? Yeah, like a Safeway maybe.

Maybe it's even part of the Safeway family. I think it might be part of the Lucky Albertsons family. Oh. Oh. Try that on for size. How did you find Atlanta when you were there filming? Loved Atlanta. Yeah.

I had never been before. Have you been? I have not been, no. Oh, my God. I consider it every time I'm thinking of, like, you know, four-day vacation. I'm like, maybe Atlanta this time. I never end up going, but I bet I would enjoy it. You know what they got there?

Hmm? Warehouse where they make Archer. Cool. Warehouse where they make Archer. Yeah. Warehouse where they make Archer. Yeah. You can just go there and all the different people are making Archer. The animators? Yeah.

But they got a recording booth there. It's wonderful. And I was there in March, so it was not hot. It was not hotlanta. It was coldlanta. Really? It was like in the 50s and 60s i usually call it hot lanta i wanted to but i couldn't it was not warm at all it was uh perfect uh so i saw your speaking

of your comic con photos have you just should we explain to our audience what comic con is probably don't need to i love you you chop you chop it right between the two Cs. Comic Con? Comic Con. Comic Con is a sort of, con is short for? Convention. Convention. It's here in Southern California in San Diego.

True. San Diego. You got it. Yeah. San Diego. San Diego. San Diego. You got it. Yeah. Sand Diego. Sand Diego. That's how I say it. And it's a gathering of-

Juggalos. Juggalos. Jinx. Fake high five. How many people at Kamakawa do you think are also juggalos? Oh, fair number. Freaking, that would be amazing. I don't know how much overlap there is there

probably some probably more like a wrestling thing you'll find the the the comic fan juggalo intersection more yeah or demolition derbies or rodeos sure but i mean you have isn't there like a hundred thousand people at comic-con i I think more. More? It certainly smells like more. Yeah. I would say that out of that 100,000, I think you're looking at, I'm just going to call it 100,000 for the sake of easy math.

I'm going to say you have 3,500 Juggalos. People who self-identify as Juggalos. 6,000. I'm going to say 6,000 Juggalos. People who self-identify as juggalos. 6,000. I'm going to say 6,000 juggalos. No, I'm going back to 3,500 juggalos. I think it's closer to 200,000 people in there. You'd say there's 6,000 of them are juggalos? I'd say 6,000 juggalos among 200,000 people.

I wouldn't think it was that high. You'd think it's lower. I'd say it was like 10. Yeah. You'd say 10 juggalos out of 200,000. Yeah, those are some violent fuckers. I don't think they would go to Comic-Con. Yeah.

I think they come in all stripes. I saw a teen Juggalo swimming with his shirt on. And makeup? No, but he was wearing an ICP shirt. It was at a watering hole in the Sierra Nevada mountains. Wow. A swimming hole. I feel like they're not juggalos unless they have the-

Just a bar. So he was peacefully swimming. Yeah. He wasn't stabbing nobody. No, there was no violence there. And that young man, he probably loves DC Suicide Squad. Oh, for sure. If you're a juggalo, that's probably your favorite comic. It'd probably be a movie for me.

I feel like to be a juggalo, you have to have the painted face. By the way, have you guys heard about the Suicide Squad? It's all the bad guys, from the Joker to a variety of others. Harley Quinn. Joker. Harley Quinn. Joker. Harley Quinn. And then people we care about. Will Smith.

As much as them. Pol Pot. He's playing the Fresh Prince. Famous Flash villain, the Fresh Prince. I think, okay, can we name all the members? There's, what, six Suicide Squads? Easily. Yeah.

I think there's more, but... Okay, so first of all, you have the Joker. We're talking about the ones that appear in the movie, not every member of the Suicide Squad since the comic was being published. Yeah, we're talking about the filmic Suicide Squad. For the movie. So number one, Joker. Number two, Joker's... Hold on, I just want to draw the parameters.

Right. Can these be government agents involved with assembling the Suicide Squad? Are these members of the task force? You mean like a Nick Fury version? Yeah, I'm speaking specifically of Amanda the Wall Waller. Or an Agent Carter. Yeah. Yeah, I think we can include Amanda the Wall Waller.

Okay. That's a talking walrus, right? Yes. Yeah. They callanda the wall waller okay that's a talking walrus right yes they call her the wall so we've got joker number one we've got amanda the wall waller sure we've got joker joker joker we've got joker uh j Joker's girlfriend, Harley Quinn. Okay. You got the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yeah. Yep. Carlton.

Carlton. Sure. The brown note. He's that DC villain that makes you shit your pants. He embarrasses Bruce Wayne at galas. That's a really low voice. Blah. Oh, is that the brown note

that is in all those, when a cool thing happens in a movie trailer? That's a brown note? Yeah. Blah. Yeah, from Inception. That's the brown note. We haven't got them all. I mean, we're having fun here, but we haven't got them all. I'm sure we should. We got Dwayne Wayne from A Different World.

Yeah. Got those sunglasses that flip down. Who else have we got? I think we got them all. The London Fog. The London Fog, yeah. Alex Rodriguez. Mm-hmm.

Yankees legend. Yeah. Hillside Strangler. Yeah. Dikembe Mutombo. The McMartin Preschool. And... Air Bud. Brain Ape.

Brain Ape. It's an ape with a lot of brains. It's got huge brain ears. I think it's just got a standard size. Yeah. It's just relatively bright for an ape. And you got Black Einstein. Black Einstein, yeah.

Gene, Gene the Dance Machine. Car Liker. The sand bear. The guy who likes cars pretty well. Yeah. I think we got all six, right? No, I think we only got four. Oh, yeah, we only did got four.

The human anchovy. Sure. Manchovy. Manchovy. You're so bad, dude. Manchovy, the human anchovy. You're so bad, dude. Manchovies are human anchovies. What's crazy is you could never imagine Manchovie going good. No.

Okay, because that guy is a force for darkness in the universe. He pisses on your pizza. Some of the Suicide Squad, you can see them. Dwayne Wayne, you could see him going good. Easy Cheese, you could see him going good. Like he's a bad guy, but he's sort of on the... in the middle. And, of course, Fartster.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Allegra Ringo. And I'm Renee Colbert. And we host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog? Renee, can I tell you about a dog I met this week? I wish that you would. In turn, though, can I tell you about a dog hero? May I tell you about a dog breed in a segment I like to call Mutt Minute?

I would love that. Could we maybe talk about some dog hero? May I tell you about a dog breed in a segment I like to call Mutt Minute? I would love that. Could we maybe talk about some dog tech? Could we have some cool guests on, like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Nicole Byer, and Ann Wheaton? I mean, yeah, absolutely. I'm in. You're on board. What do you say we do all of this and put it into a podcast? Yeah, okay. You think?

Alright. Should we call it, like, I don't know, Can I Pet Your Dog? Sure. Alright. What do you say we put it on every Tuesday on Maximum Fun? Or on iTunes. Sounds good to me. Meeting's over. Meeting's over. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, band on the run. Steve Agee is able to come up with a nickname that solid while accidentally doing physical comedy. It's like full-on Mr. Bean routines over there. I chevied that phone. Wow. Oh, I know we got off on a fun jag there.

Yeah. But, Steve, I would actually like to, if people didn't see your Facebook, and I imagine Insta photos. I'm not on Insta. I just don't have time. Are you really not Insta photos. I'm not on Insta. I just don't have time. Are you really not on Insta? I'm not on Insta photos? No, uh-uh. That's the best.

I just prefer not to be buried in my phone all day, but experiencing real life. Are you doing snaps? I'm not doing snaps. Good. That's horrible. Yeah. Are you on Pornhub? Oh, yeah.

Very active on Pornhub. RedTube. RedTube. You know how last week we were talking about how Newt gingrich is a like lauded amazon commenter yeah he was he was top 100 it was that true yeah i am that but for pornhub oh cool newt gingrich of pornhub that is so cool awesome can i just say i am so grateful for pornography comment sections because they really add a lot to my experience and i always yeah i mean i'm actually the first guy i mean a lot of people have been kind of like biting this yeah and you kind of you know you it's so ubiquitous you're like oh it couldn't possibly

have started anywhere it did with me i'm the first guy to say nice jugs oh that it's one of those things that almost seems almost seems cliched now. Sure. But in its time was very revolutionary. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like going back and watching Animal House. Right. It's like, oh, this seems familiar, but, you know.

This is boring and racist, you think. Sure. When back then it was just racist. Yeah. It was fun and racist. Yeah. But, yeah, I was the first guy to say nice jugs. And I was also the first guy to suggest that in addition to a comment section, they have

buttons to where you can share your favorite pornos on social media. Oh, yeah. Is that really a thing? Yeah. Jesus Christ. There's like the two. Like, why would you? I want to know.

Who's the man who's tweeting it? Yeah. I really like, I feel like I need to know. Or woman. Or person. What people are such pornography enthusiasts that they not only have favorite clips, but they also want to share them on their friends' timelines. It's conservatives. know no shit half the

time if i say something bad about trump or or whatever and someone trolls me and they're like you fucking libtard blah blah blah have you been now in the talking about abortion and christianity and then i'll look at their timeline and it'll be just all this pro-gun control mixed in with photos of, like, porn photos. Oh, my gosh. That's what... I'm so... I have a menswear blog.

Yeah. And at the height of menswear tumblogging, there was tons of successful menswear blogs that would be like three menswear things, one naked lady. And I was like, I'm not against, I support both of those things. And are you talking, let's talk about this naked lady for a second. Is this a- It wasn't like hardcore. Sure, this isn't a naked lady getting it in all holes.

This is like a classy black and white naked lady. Yeah, usually. Like a Mapplethorpe. Yeah. Sometimes a full color. That would be a boy. Like a Mapplethorpe, just two guys touching dicks, touching erecting. Stuffing.

Is this a classy tattoo lady is this a like, you know, classy tattoo lady at a trailer park or something? This is like a relatively classy, but more like a like the classiness level of Playboy. Like not the Playboy

style where everything is kind of like soft focus. Soft focus. But like that kind of like soft focus soft focus but like but like that kind of like oh like not like hardcore porn yeah but not like artsy you see them titties but you don't see them but it's like oh breeds them oaves but like i kind of like i'm like who are these people who are like, okay, with their feed of content, just having surprise pornography? Ambush pornography. How free are their lives? It's like if every time you went to a movie, there's four trailers and one of them might be for a porn movie.

And you're, like, bringing people to the movie with you. Like, I love this movie, but then one of the trailers is a porn trailer. It's like when De Niro brings What's-Her-Face to the porno theater on his date in Taxi Driver. Sure. And he's like, what? Yeah. Like, I want them to be discreet. Like, I'm not talking about discreet like secret

discreet like there should be a blind between them yeah there's a part of my now i'm talking to steve agee is a man who once texted me a screenshot from a porno he was watching that was in this building though that was that's true that had architectural merit yeah there was a reason behind this building is of historical significance. I don't just text my friend. He also sent it to the Los Angeles Conservatives. Also, thanks for all those hot shots of the lady getting in in the Bradbury building. The Bradbury building.

So, yeah, I mean, it's weird because I think we are, you know, we're in a place right now where people, you know, don't have to feel like they're embarrassed of the fact that they watch porn or masturbate or something. I think we, you know, are the culture that we all belong to. You can say, like, yeah, I like to jerk it, you it you know and nobody's gonna look at you weird should you say it in exactly that kind of like rhythm yeah i like to yeah hey hey uh but yeah but also i think that that that when someone is too brazen about looking at pornography that is that's weird right it is it like, what point are you making? You don't want to kink shame anyone. Right.

Because we all have got our deals. But is your kink surprising me? Sure. You know? Yeah. It's like if you're ever dating a girl and she's like, what are you into? They're like, send me a link to one of the porns that you masturbate. You're like, what are you into? And I'm like, uh, you know. They're like, send me a link to one of the porns that you masturbate. And you're like,

never. Okay, sure. And you never get around to it. You're like, you don't want to be embarrassed. It's just an Amazon link to a DVD of You Got Mail. This is Party Babies. Imagine Party Babies. The Nintendo Wii hits.

Nintendo Wii. Yeah, I had a Wii Yeah, I had a Listen, I had a subscription For a while To a butt-based Tumblr That I really enjoyed But yeah, but I think that it was It once or twice

Popped up in mixed company Yes, I had the same thing I had a subscription Or I was following It was – it once or twice popped up in mixed company. Yes. And it was embarrassing. I had the same thing. I had a subscription or I was following. Sure. I don't want to say subscription because that sounds like you're paying for it. But I was following one of those. No, I got a little –

But it was like 70s. A little card fell out of an Esquire and I mailed it in. Yeah, it was like 70s nudie stuff. So it was like kind of a retro but it looked – it was kind of cool. Yeah. And then I was on a plane once and I like checked my Tumblr app and it was like, Jesus. Sure.

Yeah. If you think of what is the most popular thing on Instagram, it's butt women. So who is like hanging out at the bus stop waiting for the bus looking at instagram and they're they're totally fine yeah with like oh there's my cousin there's my aunt linda there's my friend from college there's a butt woman you know what i mean like who is cool with that when they're sitting next to an old lady on a park bench well Well, maybe if we weren't in our phones so much and experiencing the real world. That's a good point.

Although. We wouldn't be. Okay. Although. Yeah. I have been loving Pokemon Go. I mean. Wow.

It's getting me out there. Pokemon Go. I've never played it. You know what? You get out there. You play. I think Jesse's being sarcastic. Games. Is he being sarcastic? I think he is, yeah. Are you playing it, Jordan? I am not playing it. You know what? You get out there. You play games.

Is he being sarcastic? I think he is, yeah. Are you playing it, Jordan? I am not playing it, no. I bet Christian's playing it. No, I don't think Christian is. Yeah, Christian's playing it. Oh, okay. When I asked him last week if he was playing it, he said he was not.

He broke down. He's playing it now. He's come around. He's not a first responder is what they call that. Sure. He's usually a first responder is what they call that. Sure. He's usually a second generation guy. But genuinely, like, I feel like, look, obviously, we allude to the fact that all of us, on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we're very open about our sexuality. Sure.

But you make a different account for that, right? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I enjoy the closest. You're a single man. I'm a married man. And I'm lucky enough to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, which neither of you will ever know what it's like to be married to the most beautiful woman. I guess not.

Because she's spoken for. I guess not. I guess we'll probably just at some point get so lonely we end our own lives. I'm just giving up now. Yeah. My fingers crossed. Yeah. I mean, the closest I've ever come to anything like that is following that butt tumbler, which I enjoyed.

But, yeah, the few socially embarrassing things that happened warranted the unfollow. Right. Because I feel like if you are in a relationship, if you're in a relationship, it's relatively uncommon for the person that you're in the relationship with to be so comfortable with you following butt tumblers. with to be so comfortable with you following butt tumblers that they're like totally fine with catching it missile like looking over your shoulder accidentally from time to time so you wouldn't want to do that to them sure like not that they would be opposed to it but it would be like rude right yeah and yeah but then if you're single the stakes are so high what if you're dating someone and that happens or what if you're single, the stakes are so high. What if you're dating someone and that happens? Or what if you're chatting someone up and that happens?

Yeah. I mean, I definitely in general like to keep my social media stuff and porno stuff separate. I think it's a good idea. Different browsers. Yeah, different browsers. You know what? That's a pro tip. Firefox for porn and Safari for normal stuff.

You like an open source porn browser? Yeah. Keep that code free? Yeah. I can understand that. Plus you got plugins. Oh, plugins.

Plugins. Plugins. Oh, so the thing I was going to ask you before we started talking about porno is the outfit you were wearing for Comic-Con was a crazy space outfit, but I think it had lots of latex prosthetics and stuff? I had no prosthetics.

Well, I had a fake beard because when I shot in Atlanta in the winter, I had been growing my beard. That's why I had that long beard. I had been growing it for like seven or eight months. But by the time Comic-Con rolled around, I had shaved. We finished shooting. And so they had to put on – that was a fake beard in those photos. I like that they have – this is such a high-budget production. They've got Comic-Con continuity people.

Marvel fully flew out like most of the uh makeup people um and we spent all day saturday in uh in a room in uh one of the hotels just having makeup put on i had my beard put on i had a fake scar put on my face and then the wardrobe's just kind of uncomfortable yeah how's that how's that fake beard to wear is that because you had to perform in the thing? I hated the real beard, and I used to just say, I can't wait to shave. This is horrible. I wish I could wear a fake beard.

After doing that for Comic-Con, I think if I had to do it over again, I would still grow the beard out. The fake beard, that attaches. So the real beard obviously grows out of your face. The fake beard attaches with elastic loops around the ear yes just like Mr. Show

got it I borrowed one of Bob Odenkirk's fake beards got it no but that took an hour and I was like

oh if I had been doing this in Atlanta I would be waking up an extra hour early to do this and I'm that's not cool

did you did they allow you to like go out and about in the outfit or no no we had to i mean once we went into the room to get into makeup and stuff we couldn't leave they had to usher us secretly out a back door into a van a tinted windowed van and we drove into like the loading docks at the Comic-Con convention center. I hope you didn't get in that van with a stranger, Steve. No, no, I knew everybody. Okay, good. Was there candy in the van?

Panda brand candy. Oh, that's the good shit. That's the dopest licorice there is. It was good. If you need to get somebody into a van, it's Panda. Panda or nothing. Yeah, that's the only way to go. It would have been cool, I guess,

if you have a professional movie caliber outfit to go that would have been kind of awesome five five they were a little warm though

I mean those they look like leather in the movie movies the Ravagers because I play Ravager the Ravagers

look like it looks like leather I mean for the camera but reality it's almost rubberish yeah and it's really heavy the jacket's like 30 pounds and it's really hot and uh uncomfortable they look cool though so you just got out of there threw on some shorts rip that beard off so you got out of your your your rubber ravager outfit

Rip that beard off. So you got out of your rubber ravager outfit, threw on your furry costume, hit the town. Partied all night. Are there still furries at Comic-Con? That's still like- They have their own furry con. Oh, yeah. They got numerous furry cons, I think. But they also probably like to mix it up at the Comic-Con.

Yeah, they got a joint thing with the Juggalos. Oh. How many furries are also Juggalos, do you think? They split the bill at Denny's. Oh. Do you think any furries have been murdered at the murder Kroger? Oh, I don't know. So let's say, what, conservatively 200,000 people have been murdered at the murder Kroger.

At least. How many furries would you say among those murder victims? 900. Yeah, that seems about right. That's good. That's conservative, but yeah. Sure. Can I tell you guys about a horrible dream that I had recently? Please.

You guys want to hear about a bone-chilling horrible dream? Yes. I don't think it's going to top the dream that I had last night that I was at the flea market and there was a baseball card I wanted, but then it turned out to be a different baseball card. Is that a real dream you had? Yeah. Holy shit.

So what happened? So you see the baseball card. I see it, and it's a great value. And I pick it up, and then it turns out to be – I look at it closely, and it's a different baseball card. It's not a valuable baseball card. It's just a regular baseball card. Just a regular – you know, it's an 89 top sticky thon. Did you do a thing where you screamed in the dream and then woke up screaming?

Yeah, bolted upright, sweat pouring from my face. Yeah. My wife threw a bucket of water at me. It's okay. What was your dream? Mine was, Steve, are you familiar with the device, the Amazon Echo?

Uh-huh. Where you say, Alexa, do something. Yep. I also liked it. It's also fun to control our listeners, Amazon Echoes. If they have it on right now, yeah. Alexa, wake me up at 4 a.m. Alexa, Alexa, play Huey Lewis and the News sports.

Alexa, burn the house down. So I like this product a lot, but I had a bad dream. Unpaid endorsement. Unpaid endorsement. If you can get it as a gift, mwah. Yep, that's the way to go. So start hinting to your sweetie or your mommy next time it's gift-giving time. Is it okay if I hint to my mama?

Yeah, you can hint to mama, peepaw. Mama. Is that M-A-W-M-A-W? Is that mama? Yeah, mama. That mama. Is that mama? Yeah, mama.

That mama. I had a dream that my Amazon Echo, I call her Alexa, stopped responding to my voice. So why do you, hold on, why do you call her Alexa? Because that's how you get it to respond. And it's the name of the girl that I like, the Piggly Wiggly. Got it. Dual purposes. Got it. I had a dream that it stopped responding to my voice commands.

Jesus Christ. So I had this dream that the alarm was going off. I was like, Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop. Nothing. It just got louder and louder like it was defying me. Jesus Christ. And I mean, I think this comes of the anxiety that I'm bothering my upstairs neighbor because I bothered him a few times with noise.

I have the same issue. You don't think this is about anxiety around the singularity? Yeah, I mean, that too. Good point. Yeah. I mean, that seems like right now, what percentage, you just give me a percentage, man versus machine are you, Jordan Morris? Me personally? Yeah.

I'm pretty much all man except for the robo dick. So I don't know. What's that? 60-40? Yeah. Yeah. 60-40. That's also the kind of motor oil you use as lube. Oh, yeah. 60-40. Yeah.

That's also the kind of motor oil you use as lube. Oh, yeah. You got to. You got to keep it lube. A synthetic. Did you wake up sweating and freaked out? Yeah. I was genuinely freaked out. I had to go over and inspect the tube to make sure it was working.

Fuck. There's no better explanation of white privilege than that, right? Where your greatest nightmare is that your voice-controlled internet box stopped. Like that's the worst dream that if i'm on a jury most of the people that if i'm tried by jury most of the people on the jury will look like me and understand my relationship with the state. You know, I, each, and then one of them is, I, my biggest nightmare involves my tube no longer responding to its name. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so, yeah, I, I, I, I, after I got done with the terror. My robo-dick is dry and starchy. Oftentimes the, the, the store only carries the Oftentimes the store only carries a lesser motor oil. Yeah. I only have conventional. I need synthetic. Steve, what have you done to upset your upstairs neighbor?

You know what's weird is it's mostly TV volume stuff. I live in a building that was built in the 20s so there's like no insulation uh the walls are super thin i can hear my neighbors talking at a regular volume so i know that they can hear everything i've now taken to when i watch tv at night i watch with headphones on oh okay that's considerate of you um and that also helps me not hear my neighbors as well. I had a dream. I had a dream. No.

I don't. I've talked about this before. I hope it wasn't on here. But I had a dream that I witnessed a hit and run like a trash truck, like a gigantic garbage truck hit somebody and then kept going. And I was in my car following them trying to get their license number. But their license plate was as wide as the truck. And it was just a syncopated list of the same numbers. Like it was 7213-3217-723117.

Like it was just the same four numbers over and over in different. And I was just going, fuck, I'm never going to fucking remember this. Really stressed me out. Yeah. Jeez, I believe it. It's a real gumshoe type fucking stress dream you're having. Real Columbo dream. You're a regular Nancy Drew.

Regular Hardy boy. What are you, finding Carmen Sandiego over there? Come on, gumshoe Gumshoe? I haven't heard that in so long Jordan over here is a robo-dick Yeah I know That's my, yeah, that is my Carmen Sandiego name

I shrunk the Eiffel Tower. I didn't see the RoboDick panel at Comic-Con. How was it? You know, I mean, listen. It was nice that John Benjamin was there. We had a little bit of a hard time because we were in Hall H right after the Rogue One cast. Right. And, you know, everybody's there to see, you know, Lawrence Fishburne.

Yeah. Everybody else who may or may not be in that movie. Were you at Comic-Con, really? I was not at Comic-Con, no. And I also don't know if Lawrence Fishburne is in Rogue One. He probably is not. I think my man Ghost Dog is in that. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What's that dude called? Oh, I don't know. I can picture the man. You know, I'm talking about Ghost Dog from the movie Ghost Dog. Yeah, it's from Last King of Scotland. Yeah. Forrest Whitaker.

Forrest Whitaker. There you go. So everybody would- Did they have a Ghost Dog thing in common? I think so, yeah. That was my thing. Ghost Dog, 20 years later. That's why, you know, light turnout for the RoboDick panel.

No, you know, I wasn't there. I didn't have any kind of professional reason to go. Yeah, I think if I would have gone, I could have, like, you know, found a little, like, group to slide into. Of course, yeah. Much like my robo-dick will slide into a cyber-pussy. Mm-hmm. Cyber-pussy. You get that cyber-puss?

Oh, yeah. The CP. Are you totally off human-p that cyber puss? Oh, yeah. The CP. Are you totally off human puss or? I mean, listen. I'm not going to. Off. Are you off human puss? I don't want to discriminate.

I love all ladies. Uh-huh. Natural. Uh-huh. Synthetic. Uh-huh. Cyborg. Uh-huh.

That's half human, half robo. Right. I think you're all beautiful. Right. Can I talk to all the ladies for. Right. I think you're all beautiful. Right. Can I talk to all the ladies for a second? I would love to hear Jordan real quick. Can you holler at the ladies in the Jordan Desi Go audience right now? Let it go, Jake.

Hey, girls. Whether you're human, cyborg, part of some sort of Borg-like collective. Whether you're a ball of pure energy. Sure. I think you're brave. Yeah. I think you are strong. Yeah. And I think you are beautiful just like you are.

And don't listen to all these fashion magazines and all these television sitcoms that tell you you need to be a certain size. A size negative zero to be beautiful tell it Jordan you just live your truth and to me that's beautiful Jordan Morris

laying it out Jordan can I tell you this is just like something that I like to live by and this is certainly for the that I like to live by. Sure. And this is certainly for the ladies out there. Oh, yeah, Jesse. Steve, your R&B breakdown voice is great.

Give it up, Jesse. Let's hear it. I just want to say that real balls of pure energy have curves. Sure. That real balls of pure energy have curse. Sure. No matter what the magazines tell you. Yeah.

Jesse loves curse. That's rare. I recently got a membership. I signed up for 12 months. Jesse don't like no angles on his titties. Well. You don't like a straight titty? You like a nice curve?

It's a robo-titty. And again, robots are less curvilinear. Sure. We think you're beautiful no matter how much human you have in you. Right.

I think that at the end of the day, that's the message we're trying to drive home here. Yeah. Is we love you, robot, android, Borg collective, hive mind, all virtual reality lawnmower man situation. Sure. Matrix pill, take the red pill, the blue pill, whatever.

Gotta take those pills, baby. Popping pills. Yeah. Popping fresh. Poppin' pills. Yeah. Poppin' fresh. Poppin' fresh. The most beautiful lady of them all. Poppin' fresh. If you're a Michelin man lady.

Yeah. Stay puffed marshmallow lady. Mm-hmm. Any of that shit. A copatone baby. I actually don't. I just, I don't think that the stay puff, I Stay Puff Marshmallow man should stay a man. Sorry.

Sorry for ruining your childhood, Jordan. Well, I mean, when you brought up this fictional Stay Puff Marshmallow lady, it sounds like that would really, really ruin that character. It's a harsh person. Yeah. Number one, Stay Puffed gender is not a binary. It's a spectrum. No, you're right.

I'm learning a lot. It's a marshmallow spectrum. Sure. That's number one. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe you should ask. It's been a long time.

Maybe you should ask the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man how that marshmallow identifies now. Group of marshmallows, technically. Is the Marshmallow Man one marshmallow? Or is he... You seem to think that he's been pressed. He's some sort of amalgamation. Oh, he totally looks like a pile of marshmallows that melted a little bit in the car.

Yeah. That's probably right. I mean, I think I've always thought of him as one giant block of marshmallow. Yeah. But I guess he is. Maybe he is a smushed together glop of marshmallows. Would you fuck a lady Slimer?

Listen, I've seen this new Ghostbusters. Right. And damn, if I didn't pop a boner when that lady Slimer drove by. Woo! Yeah. Yum, yum. There we go. There we go.

Hashtag it. Truth. Oh. Sorry, you were going to say some more hashtags? No. Steve, back up. You mentioned having a troll problem on Twitter. It happens.

When you badmouth our next president, Donald Trump. Yeah. Have you in this election cycle been called a cuck yet? No, I haven't. Really? I've seen a lot of people called a cuck. You've been called a libtard, though. Libtard for sure.

Libtard. Yep. But you. Huh. See, this is why political correctness is out of control. If you can't even call Steve Agee a cuck, you have to keep it to libtard. Yeah. You know, that's-

You're not free to speak your mind. And I'm lib challenged. I'm not libtarded. More politically, yeah. Yeah. What was the thing that you said and i don't you know i don't want to like re open a wound or anything but what was the thing that you said that got the most libtard type comments i don't remember anything it actually had something to do with uh ivanka's plagiarized speech.

Yeah. You know, the Michelle Obama speech. Sure. But to be fair. And I think I just retweeted what someone else said and laughed. Oh, really? They just didn't like

that you found something amusing? Yeah. Yeah. How does the that community, the people who would call someone a libtard, I wonder how they know about a Steve Agee. Well, I think the thing, the saddest person, and I was going to say the saddest man, but it's men and I've gotten it from men and women. In the world, is someone looking for search terms on Twitter and replying to tweets from that search.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because that's often where it comes from. You write something that's got a search term in it, and it's a joke. In my case, it's a joke. I don't take positions on political issues on account of being a journalist.

You have not. Yeah, but I'll make a joke about something sometimes. And I'm an equal opportunity offender. I don't mean to brag. The left, the right, and everybody in between. Yeah, you got it. Whole paycheck. And people search for the word and then just you look at their, you they haven't said anything out.

They only say things in response. It lists them first by most popular. So I'm sure you have a lot of followers. Right. The search. I got it. A lot more followers. I'm not trying to brag. No, but you have more followers than The search. The search. I got it. A lot more followers. I'm not trying to brag.

No, but you have more followers than some kid in his basement. And so yours has moved up the line. So you know, when someone does search there's a good chance you'll pop up. What are you doing? You over 100k these days? No. 40. 40? That's pretty good. That's good.

Almost 50. Almost 50. Alright. You? I'm coming up on 20. Nice. To be fair, your Twitter is better. It's less frequent, I guess. That's true. Yeah. Sparse.

You like to focus on a real joke. Sure. Yeah. A joke or a link to a podcast I was on. Yeah. Two kinds of tweets. I'll just write a bunch of tweets about Draculas one morning. Sure.

Because I woke up and I thought, oh, you know what's funny? The word Dracula. You're pluralizing Dracula. I'm still obsessed with that one post you did of that utility van. I don't remember what it was now, but it was almost like a Volkswagen West Fala or whatever it's called. But it was like four by four. And I saw your post and I was like, I got to have one of those. Yeah.

Do you remember the, no, but it sounds like a dope van. I do love it. So cool. I like a hot van. Uh, I did. I had my first ever experience with the fuck you.

I'm going to kill you. Twitter that probably came from a search term. I think we, on this show, we will get the occasional troll, but it's you know, it's for me, it's like a guy a week or something

like that. You may be more, just because of the variety of things that you do, but like... Sure, I mean, I've disappointed a lot of Judge John Hodgman fans. Sure. But yeah, but I – seeing a flood of trolling is not something that I'm used to. But I – a lot of times when we're writing for At Midnight, like sometimes a joke won't make it into a script or something like that.

I'm like, oh, I'll just put it on Twitter. make it into a script or something like that. And I'm like, oh, I'll just put it on Twitter. So I made a joke about a Bernie Sanders supporter who I thought looked kind of silly. And it was a silly – it was not anything about how he was bad or about how his position was bad. It was just that he – A goofy looking dude. A goofy looking guy.

Yeah. And yeah, i i am definitely not a i i think you're not a satirist no i absolutely not i have i have no opinion one way or the other uh but this was just a goofy man and i i thought that this joke didn't make it on that midnight but was good enough for at jordan underscore Morris. And made this joke and just was immediately beset by, I'm going to step on your neck till you die. I'm going to piss in your mouth. Fuck you.

Kill yourself. Holy shit. I'm coming to find you. Fuck you. You're going to. And it's just like a flood of this stuff. From the same person? From a lot of people with Simpsons avatars.

And that made me feel especially betrayed. Yeah. That's your people. Homer's going to make me drink his piss. Were they all anonymous? Like you didn't see their name? Yeah. I mean, this was a huge, I mean, the volume of this stuff was crazy.

Did this include someone who, because I'll occasionally search for Jordan Jesse Go on Twitter just to see what people are saying about the show. And someone wrote, Jordan Jesse Go to the dump and stay there. That is maybe the nicest, cleverest thing that was said in that barrage. Got it. Now, when I couldn't really figure out what was going on and a couple of people were kind of nice about it yeah and sent me a link to an interview with this guy who i had just put up i just found the guy and you know he's a real guy and i guess is a really nice beloved like bernie sanders booster swell guy, literally pulled a woman out of a burning car at some point in his life.

And it's just this wonderful man. And he's beloved mostly, I mean, partly for the car thing. I'm just giving you some context, Steve, but mostly for going on Twitter and talking about who he was going to make drink his piss. Yes. Yeah. And so I was like oh boy so i absolutely don't think you should ever tell anyone on twitter you're going to harm them right but also i see the larger point that like you know putting up someone's photo without their permission and goofing on them

yeah even if it is a slight goof yeah and slight goofs are the only ones i am capable of making yeah you're not doing And slight goofs are the only ones I am capable of making. Yeah, you're not doing any majestic goofs or gargantuan goofs. No, sure! It's a slight goof. You're keeping it slight and light. Yeah. But I can, I absolutely understand the point that you shouldn't, you know, just like putting up people's photos and

goofing on them, like, you know, hurts people's lives. And you're a good person. You're a person who really works hard to be – while making jokes to be considerate of others. I know that of you having known you these 10 or 12 years. Yeah. So I definitely am not like – and I was not even trying to make a political point with this. I think Bernie Sanders is a great guy and what he did was amazing.

So I was torn. I'm like, do I take this thing down and make the I'm going to step on your throat people feel like they've won? Do they, you know, does that encourage them to threaten more throat steppings? But also there's the fact that maybe it was inconsiderate to do this and taking it down is the best thing to do. So weighed my options uh i decide and you know all this time this flood is still happening it's constant it's like it's a faucet and it's you know uh just keeps on coming keeps on coming and again i like you know none of these are people who follow me like these can't be jordan jesse go fans uh and so yeah i just i think at certain point they started tagging max fun they

started tagging at midnight in it i'm like you know what i don't fucking you know this is took the thing down put up a tweet that said like hey definitely wasn't trying to bully with that one uh i can see how it was in bad taste or something like that deleted and it just stopped it just stopped and granted i like muted a lot of people who were being really crazy so these people could be still hitting me with death threats but it just stopped and i don't know and i guess there's part of me that is is i i think jordan that's why discourse is so important yeah yeah you know if we get together and talk to each other we we can really learn something.

Yeah. I one time tweeted at a troll. He said something shitty to me. And so I went to his profile. I always go to these people's profile because you can usually find something golden on their profile. At least some nasty photos. Or the photo. And so I went and this guy's photo, and he's just a piece of shit.

or the photo and so i went and this guy's photo and he's just a piece of shit his photo was him and his mouth was wide open like he was making a face for the camera with his mouth wide open so i took a screenshot of his photo and just photoshopped a dick in his mouth and then i tweeted it to him sure thought it was so fucking funny and then like i i just left my apartment or whatever i wasn't checking twitter play some pokemon go sure i came back a few hours later check twitter it's just a one dude who was like really offended that i did this he thought it was homophobic that i that i photoshopped a dick into this guy's mouth which i mean it's not was homophobic that I photoshopped a dick into this guy's mouth. I mean, it's not not homophobic. But to be fair, had it been a girl that said the same thing to me with the same kind of picture, I would have photoshopped a dick into her mouth.

So it's more phallophobic. Yes, it was not meant to be homophobic. Dickaphobic. But this guy was like. Have you thought about a fresh poop? The next time you're looking to photoshop something going into a mouth. That's a great idea actually but uh so some guy saw this and was like hey steve and he wasn't mean about it he's like steve that's a little homophobic you may want to take that down i wasn't at my computer so i didn't see it like an hour later he writes seriously take that. It's homophobic. And then all of a sudden this guy started retweeting my tweet and adding, you know, at replying to like all these LGBT organizations.

Like, look at this homophobe. Look what he did. And by the way, none of them replied. They were just like, he's just making fun of this idiot who trolled him. Yeah. And so I saw it and then I was like, having been away from my computer, I took it down and I was like, yeah, you're right. I should

have thought about that more. Sorry. And then he immediately was like, oh, don't worry about it. I'm a big fan of your work. Despite trying to destroy you for an afternoon. Hey, cool. It's cool.

No worries about it. I'd love to go on Sarah Silverman's show. As a gay character. Yes. You can't win. You can't win on the internet. Yeah. You know, I really, the more I experience stuff like that, the more I like, I appreciate

the nice person who is maybe offended by something and maybe i don't agree with it but i i i really appreciate it being you know explained in a nice way you know like hey i this offended me and this is why maybe reconsider sure and i think that when i think sometimes comics will take those kinds of comments and jump all over them like they were harsh criticisms. And I think that's – you shouldn't do that. So, yeah, yeah. It does make me – every time someone tells me they are going to step on my throat, it makes me appreciate the, hey, this might have been a little dodgy.

Here's why. Exactly. Anyway. Do you have – what was the – so you took down Dick in the Mouth. Jesse, have you ever taken down something after it got a bad? Yeah, I took down. I took down a very innocuous joke about Bernie Sanders because I couldn't deal. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I made a very and I believe the joke was this was pretty early on in the campaign that it was something about – do you remember when Black Lives Matters protesters interrupted Bernie Sanders speaking? They went on stage, yeah. Yeah. And I tweeted something. The setup was coherent.

I don't remember what it was, but something about how, as the senator from Vermont, it was actually the first time he had met black people. Okay. And I got such a fucking torrent of actually tweets that were explaining to me that in the past he had actually met black people. That I literally, like, at some point I just was like, I don't even care about this joke. This joke was a B- at best. Yeah, and that's how I felt about mine, too.

I'm like, this is a pretty silly thing. Do you ever start to write a tweet, and then you already know how the people are going to respond so you're just like yeah i'm not gonna do that absolutely i do that all the time yeah so it's a thing of like kind of wanting to you know take a stand for silly jokes being silly jokes right but also not wanting to deal with that i have so little self-righteousness about a joke on Twitter left. Like I'm so broken that like the minute like my skin, my skin is so thin that it's just like, oh, God, if somebody starts bothering me, I will do anything to escape the situation. Like they're blocked. I've closed my Twitter account.

Like, I am out. I am on vacation in Aruba. Like, yeah, just I will do anything. So I was having breakfast with Blaine Kpatch. Oh, love Blaine Kpatch. Former great Blaine Kpatch. One of the greatest men I have ever met in my life. One of those people that just is filled from the bottom of their heels to the top of their heads with hilarious jokes.

The mighty Capacradite. Yeah. One of my favorite late Woody Allen movies. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Capac Hatton murder mystery. And, of course, Cap. Yeah. Kapatch Hatton murder mystery. And, of course, Kapatch Point. Match point with Blaine's name.

Woody Allen's probably a bad man. Yeah. Hard to know for sure makes it a real treacherous situation emotionally. And I think we were talking about kind of this, you know, state of the internet. And I think he said the best thing, you know, the one sentence that I think sums up kind of where we are at. It's such a good observation. And he's like, all I want from Twitter is little jokes and to know if Prince died. And he's like, all I want from Twitter is little jokes and to know if Prince died. And I'm like, yep, you're right.

Yeah. You know, something that amazes me about people's Twitter use is there's people who use Twitter. You know, like I work in public radio, right? I know these people that are like news people and they're like, it's an essential news aggregation tool. Like, I want to know what's going on all around the world. And I'm like, no, I just want to see a weird picture of himself that Rob Delaney posted. Sure. Like, I don't want to hear what I, there's newspapers for that. Yep.

Hot take. I kind of like Twitter moments. Really? I'm the guy who's reading moments. Wow. I'm online. I'm clicking on moments. I? I'm the guy who's reading moments. Wow. I'm online. I'm clicking on moments. I'm seeing what the latest trends are.

I don't think I've ever clicked on moments. Oh, you've got to click on moments, Steve. I've never clicked moments. I would click moments. It's kind of fun. What's on moments? Well, I mean, it's kind of just what's happening now, and you get an explanation for baffling hashtags. Does moments know what I want from the internet?

No. Moments, I think, is the same for everyone. I could be wrong. Facebook Trends knows that what I want from the internet is Joey Votto, Red's first baseman, trying to catch a ball in foul territory and reaching into the stands. And a guy stands up and bumps into him and he drops the ball. and a guy stands up and bumps into him, and he drops the ball. And then Joey Votto looks at the guy, sees he's wearing a Reds jersey, which is Joey Votto's team, grabs the Reds logo on the front of his jersey,

pulls it out like popping collar style, and just goes like, uh-uh. Like, I'm disappointed in you, and then walks back to first base. That's what I want from baseball. I don't think it is as carefully curated as that. It doesn't know that I want to see when Billy Hamilton does something? Maybe it does. I have a friend. I don't know what my moments are. I can't speak for your moments.

When I was in high school, I had a friend. His name is Rick Tomlin. He was probably still is the biggest Angels fan. Went to an Angels game. If he's an Angels fan, then yes, he is the biggest Angels fan. He had seats in left field, like right at the wall, front row at the wall in left field. And the Angels were playing Toronto Blue Jays. And it was ninth inning. There were two outs.

Angels were down. There was one man on base, I believe, and one man up at bat. I wish I could remember who the players were. I'm going to presume that it was Wally Joyner. It might have been during the Wally World days. Maybe Jim Abbott. Whoever it was, it wasn't Jim Abbott. Good one.

Maybe it was. Whoever was up at bat, one of the Angels. Can I just pause you here? Yeah. Jordan, I really appreciate that your one baseball reference is Jim Abbott because it's a great baseball reference. It really means a lot to me. It is a good one.

So this guy hits the ball. It's two outs. Angels are about to lose the game. The ball is going over the wall. The Angels are going to fucking win. win and whoever god i wish i could remember whoever was left field for the blue jays jumped up went over the wall caught the ball like it's on like you see it in the news goes into his glove and he goes over the wall into the crowds my friend rick tomlin takes the ball out of his glove so he comes up without the ball angels get the two runs and win the fucking game.

Dude, your friend hit a home run for the Angels. Yes. My friend got to go into the fucking locker room and have them all sign the ball. Wow. He was on a bunch of news shows. I think if you do a Google search for Rick Tomlin, you know, Anaheim Angels, Blue Jays, you'll probably find the story.

That's amazing. Yeah. They would have lost the game, but he took the ball right out of the guy's glove. Man, and Don Baylor got the home run. Don Baylor. Yeah, right? I guess. I was a Dodgers guy growing up as a kid.

Yeah, there are no Angels guys. That's what's so amazing about... I've lived in Los Angeles for 12 years and I've met one Angels fan. Is it J. Keith Van Straten? Oh, wow. Is J. Keith Van Straten an Angels fan? Yeah, I think so. Oh, okay.

Well, I've certainly met a game show host, travel writer, and all-around good guy, J. Keith Van Straten. He's an Angels fan, so I'm going to call it two. Okay. That's my old producer, Julia's boyfriend. Oh, okay. Wow. He's an Angels fan. I mean, you've got to figure some of the guys on the Angels.

Mm-hmm. You know? The guy who owns the Angels. I will say this. Angel Stadium is close to an el torino grill it was close to riverside where we grew up i think that's why it was my friend was a fan which is also to get there close to an el torino grill probably it's like the uh regular el torino but uh a little funkier are there still still El Toritos? When I

worked for Fuel, we would have to go down to Orange County for a lot of stuff. That's where a lot of Fuel related things were happening. OP Pro. Sure! And whenever we had to go down to the area around Angel Stadium, the Mighty

Ducks area. The Crystal Cathedral. We'd always be like, fuck man, Angel Stadium, the Mighty Ducks area. The Crystal Cathedral. We'd always be like, fuck, man, I don't want to go down to Orange County. We can eat at that El Torito Grill. Wow. It's always really tasty. Nice. So.

All right. If the staff at the El Torito Grill by Angel Stadium is listening, keep on, keep it on, guys. Keep on grilling. All of you. And how about this? J. Keith Van Straten, if you're listening. Yeah. Keep up the good work. Yeah. Everybody likes J. Keith Van Straten, if you're listening, keep up the good work. Yeah.

Everybody likes J. Keith Van Straten. He's the best. Sure. He's a good guy. Mm-hmm. You know, I interviewed J. Keith Van Straten when I worked for XM Satellite Radio. Amazing. Yeah, there you go. We talked about his work with rescue animals, which he's very passionate about.

Oh, I didn't know about it. I knew he was passionate about airline points. He's two things. Three things. Airline points, the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles, and rescue pets. There you go. What a guy. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Attention, Europe. This fall, Maximum Fun is bringing a bunch of your favorite podcasters to London. Catch Judge John Hodgman, International Waters, and Bullseye, all recording live episodes at the London Podcast Festival. We'll have fan meetups and we'll be joined on stage by a glittering array of celebrity guests. The London Podcast Festival runs September 22nd through 26th, and you can buy your tickets right now. Just go to MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective., la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, little fighter. Hey, I want to let... It's fun. I want to let everybody know I am about to head out on tour in September. Me and John Hodgman are going to be hitting all of the eastern seaboard. There are still tickets available for a few of the shows. I want to say Brooklyn

is sold out. Philadelphia is getting close to sold out. A couple of your Boston, Portland, Maine, there's still some tickets. Washington, D.C., there might be some tickets, although that one might be sold out. So go to MaximumFun.org if you want to check that out. We're also going to London,

England. Ooh, England. Bullseye also coming to London, England. International Waters also coming to London, England. We will also have- Fun. Not coming to, already based in the Beef and Dairy Network is going to be all of these at the London Podcast Festival. We're booking really cool guests for Bullseye, and you're really going to want to come out

to that. Fun. The guests for Judge Sean Hodgman are going to be garbage, but for Bullseye, and you're really going to want to come out to that. Wow, fun. The guests for Judge Sean Hodgman are going to be garbage. Hmm. But for Bullseye. When is this happening? This is in late September. Fucking nice.

Yeah, all that information, MaximumFun.org. Org. Org. Org. What is MaximumFun.com? Some dude's fucking website, or else we would have MaximumFun.com. Oh, yeah. The real MaximumFun.com? Some dude's fucking website, or else we would have MaximumFun.com. Oh, yeah. The real Maximum Fun.

When something momentous happens to you, like somebody finally gives up the fucking domain registration for MaximumFun.com, call us, 206-984-4FUN, for our segment Momentous Occasions. You know, Steve didn't realize that christian was the talking dog grandpa guy i didn't know that it blew his mind he literally we were sitting at the table steve said to me you know what i still think about and love still laugh about it the talking dog grandpa that talking dog grandpa genre and i was like film is talking dogs. And I was like, you know that guy is sitting right over there, right? Didn't know it. Blue Steve's mind.

That was nice. That's like that time that Steve met Wally Joyner. Or walked past a murder Kroger's. Sure. These are thrilling moments in any Steve Agee's life. Oh, yeah. Those are the moments you hang on to. We got a couple calls.

The only guy I've met is Fernando Valenzuela. Oh. For real. That's pretty good. Yeah. It was okay. I guess it was after Fernando Mania. Yeah.

Fernando Mania had already faded. This was way after. Was this like an old, fat Fernando Valenzuela playing in the Mexican League? Or mean, drunk. Mean, drunk? He's not mean, drunk. He's probably a great League. Mean drunk. Mean drunk. He's not mean drunk. He's probably a great guy. Well beloved.

Also, by the way, old fat Fernando Valenzuela playing in the Mexican League is the best kind of Fernando Valenzuela. People don't give that Fernando Valenzuela enough credit. 44 year old. You know when that dude was done,

when that dude was like in his mid 40s, he just played a season in the Mexican League as an outfielder. He's just like, fuck it, I'm Fernando Valenzuela. You have to put me in the team. He played as an outfielder? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. He just quit being a pitcher because his arm was dead or whatever. But he's like, but I'm a good hitter for a pitcher. Make me an outfielder. I'm Fernando Valenzuela. He should have quit being a pitcher and become a belly itcher. Good point. He had a pretty good run as both a pitcher and a belly itcher.

Okay, let's take our first call. This momentous occasion is courtesy of the first time I've ever been to a grocery store where the first employee I asked didn't know where to pay, and the second employee that she asked had to walk in almost a half-mile circle before finding me the cashiers. There's a lot of problems with this. Yeah. Number one, this guy sounds like he's about to fight somebody. Yes.

This is one of the first momentous occasions ever to call in sounding not drunk, not euphoric, but belligerent. Yeah, I think this guy is like mad dogging somebody at the other end of a bar. While he's trying to talk. Would you believe this chick didn't know where to pay? He's trying to talk. Would you believe this chick didn't know where to pay? I feel like this momentous occasion happened as he was standing at the register and just staring daggers at some lady that works at this store. But why do you have to ask?

Yeah. Usually you walk in the store right where the registers are. Sure. It's a weird fucking store, man. Could it be that maybe this dude's so blazed out of his mind that what he thinks is a grocery store is actually nothing more than a common barn? A common barn. You guys ever think about that? This dude is so high.

Like full of barnyard animals? Oh, yeah. Hay bales? And he's like, where do I pay for these Cheetos? Barn owls? Really, he's just holding hay. Can I ask you aetos? Barn owls. Really, he's just holding hay. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.

When you say blazed. Yeah. Do you mean that he's been blazing the ganja? Oh, yeah. That's what I mean. Was he puffing hay at all? I mean. Was he doing gravity bongs?

Yeah, this guy totally was. That's what I think. It is amazing that the girl didn't know where to pay. And the other girl walked around. Seems like you'd know the quickest route to the pay area. Yeah. It's sort of your territory if you work there. I can see not knowing where the fucking spices are.

Sure. Like, if I said to you, does this seem realistic? If I said to you, where's the cardamom, what might you say? A, what the fuck is cardamom? Right. B, I'll ask my manager. Right, I'll ask my manager. That's just realistic.

But if I said to you, where do I pay, what would you say? Right here. Yeah. Can I get, you know, maybe you don't know. Let the record show that you pointed at your dick. Yeah. You pay here. Yeah. Can I get, you know, maybe you don't know. Let the record show that you pointed at your dick. Yeah. You pay here. I mean, you know, I could get a, it's like, oh, maybe like, you know, you don't know if a Triscuit is in the chips or the crackers.

Exactly. That's a, you know. Or an O'Boise. Yeah, sure. Like, do we still carry O'Boise? Yeah. That's a question. Is there a whole aisle for items that are Oboisterous?

It's in the Oboisterous section. Do you remember that ad, Steve? Oboizis are Oboisterous. No, I don't. It was a great ad. I mean, all you really need to know is Oboisterous is a funny word. There's an aisle

that has only O'Boysies and Fiddle Faddle. Fiddle Faddle. Another snack that doesn't get enough credit for being O'Boisterous. Anyway, what was an O'Boysie? I guess I only know the ad.

It was like a Pringle. Okay. It was like a Pringle, but with potato skin on the edge. That's how I remember O'Boys being. Huh. I remember O'Boys being dope. Yeah.

I'm not going to say that 100%. I'm not going to say that they're premium level dope, like flips. Sure. They're not like top shelf, most amazing. They had flips at the Big Lots by my house. And I'm like, who's buying a Big Lot of flips and then not eating it and having to sell it off to Big Lots? Right. You know what I mean?

Like, why are there surplus flips? Yeah. Those should be going on the premium market. Those should be selling at Louis Vuitton stores. You should be buying them on the dark web 4chan buy some flips on 4chan buy him a fred siegel in the uh in the on the topic of i just imagined a guy in an anonymous mask like one Guy Fawkes masks where he's fucking chomping down some blips. Hacking and chomping. I think the Crystal Pepsi is officially back, ain't it?

Is it really? What? I think you could go and buy. I don't know if you can just buy it at a Kroger. How come nobody's talking about New York Seltzer being back? Yeah. Is it? Yeah.

Fucking New York Seltzer. Yeah. You it? Yeah. Fucking New York Seltzer. Yeah, you can buy it. The only place I've seen it is at the vending machine at the, oh God, it's that museum that you have to ride

the monorail to. The Getty? The Getty. That's the only place I've seen in town that has New York Seltzer is the vending machine at the Getty.

And they have Bartles and James at the bar. Sounds like even their vending machine is a work of art. Sure. I mean, I feel like we've talked a lot about on this show about making cocktails from defunct colas. Yeah.

If you're out there having a little crystal Pepsi and vodka, let us know. Holler at us. Sure. Do you remember Aspen soda? No. What was that? It was like an apple soda. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember that. Oh, that was good. That was nice. Holler at us. Let us know what you're mixing with Clearly Canadian. Sure. Is that a gin thing? Probably some Canada Club.

Canada Club, Clearly Canadian. Got it. With a fiddle faddle. A little fiddle faddle garnish. Garnish. From now on, all cocktails. One part Clearly Canadian. One part Canada Club. are you writing this down

liberal easter in fiddle faddle send send this to let's drink about it we got a really good recipe okay let's take our next call hey jj go uh david from milwaukee um for the first time in my life a former sexual partner called me and told me they test positive for VD. But it's a momentous occasion because I play safe and I've been tested as well and I am not positive. So

did not get them, did not get them, did not get them. Have a good one. Seems a little braggy. Yeah. Oh, I don't have chlamydia. Oh, no genital warts here. Congratulations! little braggy yeah congratulations did he go into his bathroom in the morning and written on the mirror and lipstick was welcome to the world of aids remember that uh you don't know that? No! I remember clearly Canadian. Like in the height of AIDS, there was like... Welcome to the world of AIDS. Yeah. A guy had like a one night stand. What was this, like a weird thing at Disneyland?

No, there was a urban legend of a guy woke up after a one night stand. The girl was gone. He got up to pee and he went in the bathroom and she had written on lipstick on his mirror, Welcome to the world of AIDS. That really sounds like something Patrick Warburton would say to you in line at an amusement park. What? Welcome to AIDS. Hey, Peter, welcome to AIDS. Hey, Peter. I got a lot of you checked.

I do a lot of intravenous drug use. Bad Patrick Warburton impression is the new bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I like that. I got a lot of it tested. Hey, babe. Hey. Talk to the eight ball.

That I just shot out into my arm. Looks like an Arby's eye without cleaning the needles. Looks like an Arby's night. It's Clay Nails. Yeah, that's right. It's Arby's night. Yeah, that's right. I just do putty.

I can't think of him doing anything else. Man, one time I interviewed Patrick Warburton. He's just everything you want. Oh, awesome. Amazing man. One time I interviewed Patrick Warburton. He's just everything you want. Oh, awesome. Amazing man. He's just Patrick Warburton. Yeah. That's just his deal.

That is great. He's good at it. He's not not self-aware. Yeah. But that is legit who he is. It's not a character he puts on like Super Dave Osborne. Sure. fuck i love patrick warren i do too i love putty putty is the best he's a jock he's got a bunch of kids that fucking episode of seinfeld where he is on a plane from europe to new york with elaine and she's reading and he is just sitting in his seat staring straight ahead.

She's like, do you want to borrow a book or magazine? He's like, no, I'm good. She's like, you're just going to sit there staring. He's like, that's right. And she fucking freaks out. She can't handle it. He's just staring straight ahead. All I can ever think about is Patrick Warburton in news radio explaining that he's evil.

Wow, I don't remember that. He had a couple of arcs on news radio where he was the evil guy who was taking over the company that they all worked for. Wow. I just remembered my most vivid memory from the thing that I would go on Twitter to complain about ruining my childhood if you recast it with all women is just Patrick Warburton going, yeah, I'm evil, Dave. Dave, I'm evil. That's right, Dave. I'm evil. Yeah, Dave. Dave.

That's right, Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Hey, Dave. Dave.

Dave. Hey, Joe Rogan. Joe. I don't remember any of their characters. Yeah. Dave. Dave. Hey, Dave. Dave. Dave. Hey, Joe Rogan. That's right. Joe. I don't remember any of their characters. Yeah. Who's Andy Day? Candy Alex.

Is that on Netflix? That's on some weird fucking thing. News radio is funny as shit. Was and was. Yeah, it's one of those things that comes and goes from Netflix inexplicably. Yeah. It might not be on there. That's right.

We're on Netflix. You know, it's on like Ovation Stream or some shit right now. You know, like something that you're like, what even what? It's on 4chan. Yeah. If something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. You guys want to say any more stuff in a putty voice real quick? Yeah, just call the number.

That's right. You call it. Yeah. Dave. Just go ahead and call the number. That's right. You call it. Yeah. Dave. Just go ahead and call the number. Hey, Dave. Call it. I just put the salad dressing in my mouth.

Yeah, I'm crippled. This is him asking for salad dressing. Hey, Peter. Hey, Peter. That's against the law. Giggity, giggity. It's me, Stewie. Brian the dog.

I'm a talking dog. Oh, gag-propelling eye. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Steve Agee, whore in the sheets.

What are you in the streets? I'm a prude. He's a whore in the streets. Yeah. I'm a whore in the streets. I'm a wig

in the streets. I'm a whore in the sheets. Yeah, I'm a whore. Dave. Dave. Dave.

Dave. Dave. Thanks for running. Thanks, Joe Rogan. That's right, Elaine. a whore. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Thanks for running. Thanks, Joe Rogan. That's right, Elaine. Hey, Jerry. Fucking Patrick Warburton voice. You guys got to make t-shirts that just say, that's right.

That's right. Hey. That's right. That's right. There aren't enough t-shirts with Patrick Warburton on them. Also, it's hard to make a t-shirt in a Patrick Warburton voice. I think, you know, if the font's right, people will read it that way. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What font would you say? And how would you kern it? Kern, wow. Comic sans. It's got to be kerned. Ultra kerned. Right?

Yeah, that sounds Warburton-y. Yeah. Warburton-esque. We'll read it like that. Warburton-ish. There should be a Warburton font. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Warburton-esque. We'll read it like that. Warburton-ish. There should be a Warburton font. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Come on, fucking... Fonties. Come on, Fontanels. Fontanels. We can call font enthusiasts Fontanels. Please, there's got to be a font called Fontanel. That would be amazing. If there's not, there should be.

What's that dude that was a music writer for The New Yorker? Sasha Frere-Jones. Sasha Frere-Jones' brother, Mr. Font Man. That guy got to get up on Warburton's. Holler at Sasha Frere-Jones' brother on Twitter. Let him know you saw that Helvetica movie and you're waiting for him to make a font name called Warburton. Is there a Lone Ranger in Fonto? It's just a rope.

It's all written in rope. What if that Helvetica movie was narrated by Patrick Warburton? Now that would be dope. Oh, sure. It's an international typeface. Sure. That's right. It's Sam Serif.

That's the reason that we're going to see, everybody's going to see Suicide Squad and not another Fought movie Jerry Because they fucked it up By not putting Patrick Warburton in it Jerry

It's highly readable It's readable It's sad, Seraph That's right Oh, that is fun to me That is fun to me I love it Steve Agee

Our guest on the program I was recently a guest On Steve Agee's podcast That's true That was a ton of fun We got pretty Steve Agee, our guest on the program. I was recently a guest on Steve Agee's podcast. That's true. That was a ton of fun. Steve Agee, uh, I'd like to have Jordan do it, too. At any time that I'm not already busy with something else. I guess I would love to be on your podcast. That's right.

Yeah. We'll do it. You and I got pretty, we got pretty deep on some shit. Then we got pretty silly on some shit. Yeah, I realized I didn't know a lot about you. I mean, I hear you guys talking with other guests, and I was like, I don't know that much about... You probably know I'm from San Francisco. I know you're a banana slug, and I found out you were a banana slug.

I didn't know you guys went to school together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, college buds. I know a bunch of banana slugs. Oh, yeah? Who else? Any other prominent... Maya Rudolph.

Oh, that's neat. We don't know her. My friend Scott Chernoff. We don't know Scott Chernoff. He seems cool, though. Probably a pretty chill dude. Patrick Warburton. What about Ashkahn?

Go slugs. You know Ashkahn? That guy went to UC Santa Cruz. I don't. You should get up on that. Christian Duenas on the boards this week doing a great job on the ones and the ones and ones imagine party babies and the nintendo we here in the office right now that was fun that was hot played some party babies on the way in while we were waiting

brian fernandez running the boards on this motherfucker MaximumFun.reddit.com is the reddit address go there, holler at it fucking whatever else you need to do do it you gotta get it done, do you that is fucking great advice

thanks man that's what Patrick Warburton would say if he was sitting right there yeah Dave, do you. We'll be back next week on Jordan Just to Go. Bye. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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