Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 441: We Love This Stuff with Travis McElroy

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

Podcaster extraordinaire Travis McElroy joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion Jordan's life-long goal of being on the local news, Travis's showbiz childhood, and the fear of living with someone after developing weird alone habits. Plus, Jesse Whiplashes Travis into being a better podcaster and it's Anal August!  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, buddy? Well... Oh no! Look out! Well, I'm a little excited, a little distracted. On the way in, parked right outside HQ, local news van, KTLA 5.

There has been a lot of excitement. Okay. Someone who was getting a parking ticket flipped out, tried to escape the parking ticket by driving into the park, hit three people in the park and crashed their car into a light pole or a tree or a fence or something. Oh my gosh. I'm like, oh, it'll be funny to talk about the local news van that's outside. That's funny. But it didn't occur to me for some reason that it might be connected to some sort of tragedy.

Yeah, horrible, nightmarish tragedy. Yeah, no, generally you can expect that if the English language news vans are out there, something unspeakable has happened. Sure. The Spanish language news vans out there all the time just because it's like a pretty place where a lot of Spanish-speaking people live. So, like, if you're reporting on something, they just like to do it there during the time just because it's like a pretty place where a lot of Spanish-speaking people live.

So if you're reporting on something, they just like to do it there during the magic hour. Gotcha. But yeah, if you see that KTLA van out there, you know what I'm talking about. ABC 7 Eyewitness News. Yeah, if you see stormy mountains out there

reporting for the Los Angeles... Weather. Weather. If you see stormy mountains out there reporting for the Los Angeles weather, I would like to be, I mean, not connected with a tragedy, but I think I've talked about this on the show before. I would really like to be on the local news at some point. Have you never been on the local news? No. And I've been practicing. Check this out. Okay.

Okay. Just getting into character here. You need to do any warmups. Try this. Un Okay. Okay. Just getting into character here. You need to do any warm-ups? Try this. Unique New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. Marvelous Maine.

Marvelous. My butthurts. My butthurts. My butthurts. Cool dong. Cool dong. Cool dong! Okay, I'm ready. Okay Dong. Cool Dong. Okay, I'm ready.

Okay. Check this out. This is me on the local news. Do you need me to do anything to set this up, or are you ready to go? You can ask me a follow-up question if you want to. I'll just do my quote. I'll ask. Oh, I can follow up your quote.

Yeah, yeah. So I'll go first, and then if you're inspired to follow up. Got it. You know, this parade just makes me feel really proud to be part of this community. How do you feel this will affect your business? Check out my dog. Pretty cool.

See? Yeah. Man, I think we have talked about this. Have you appeared on the local news? I appeared on the local news as a child. I'm going to say 10 years old. we have talked about this. Have you appeared on the local news? I appeared on the local news as a child. Mm-hmm. Uh, not, I'm going to say

10 years old. Okay. When Magic Johnson got AIDS. Oh, that's right. Yeah, sure. You,

yes, I mean, you should retell it, but I, I remember this story. Yeah, no, it's not much of a story.

I was wandering on the campus of San Francisco State University where my mother was a student. And, uh, I, uh, was asked, uh, how I felt about I felt about Michael Magic Johnson having AIDS.

I wished him the best. Did they ask your mom if they could ask you that or did they just say? They sure did not. Wow. They certainly didn't. You didn't sign a release? No. These may, now that I think about it, these may have been child pornography. Just like getting a child to talk about AIDS.

Wow, that is the darkest pornography ever. Oh, boy. Do you think if we got enough people, you know, if we mobilized our Twitter fans, and I know this is something we do a lot. We ask a lot of people on Twitter. Yeah. But to be fair, it never leads to anything, so maybe we...

Anyway. I've got something. Yeah. My middle school friend, Cameron Laughlin, is a TV weatherman in Arizona somewhere. Okay.

And I think that's our end. We're going to have to do a road show wherever it is in Arizona. Yeah. But how complicated can his job be? It's hot today. Yeah, right.

Tomorrow's going to be hot. You should probably move. Yeah, you should live somewhere else. Anybody moving? No amount of golf is worth this nightmare. Yeah, I mean, I guess I would love to mobilize people to talk to their local news stations online. Yeah. And let them know that if they want to do a story about the up and coming medium of podcasting.

Yeah. Or what it's like to be two guys who met in college. Yeah. Like they can send a crew down here. Or we can go into the studio. I'll go in studio. I'd love to be interviewed in the field but i will also appear in studio i think there are a ton of story angles for this i don't think it's just what's it like to be two guys in pot in uh who met in college

or what's it like to have a podcast um how about uh what's it like for one to be tall and one to be medium? Sure. The challenges and benefits that come with being both tall and medium. Yeah. So wait, should we bring our guest into this? Because I think this is a good brainstorm. Yeah. He's a proven brainstormer.

There is no doubt. This is an idea, man. Yeah. You can tell because he has 700 podcasts. he has 700 podcasts. He, of course, is best known as the middlest brother of the McElroy brothers of My Brother, My Brother and Me in the Adventure

Zone. But that's just the tip of his podcast dick. Yup. That's how I always put it. If someone listens to just My Brother, My Brother and Me, that's just the tip. That's just my podcast tip.

Mr. Travis McElroy. Hey, TMAC. How's it going, buddy? It's going so well. Thank you for having me. Thank you for making the time to come into the program. I know that you're busy preparing to usher life into the world. Yeah.

Travel cross-country to Cincinnati, the home of baseball legend Marge Schott. Yep. That is how we bill it. Famous legend Marge Schott. Yep. That is how we bill it. Famous racist Marge Schott. Famous racist and dog enthusiast Marge Schott. Famous for racism or incidentally racist and famous. Those are two different names. Yeah, sure.

Did they win a claim in the field of racism? Famous comma racist. I think she, I would say that like if her headstone, she's dead, thankfully. But if her headstone were the sign that greets you on the freeway as you enter a town, it would say Marge shot and then in big block letters. And then in script underneath it would say famous for racism. Okay, perfect. Is Pete Rose also Cincinnati? Yeah, Pete Rose is another Cincinnati asshole.

Do you remember that thing? Is there anything good about Cincinnati? Well, no, because they also put chili on spaghetti. Like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? Oh, boy. Actually, that sounds kind of good. No, because they blow it on the chili.

They put cinnamon and chocolate in it. I know what's good. I know exactly what's good about Cincinnati. Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto. Oh, yeah. Votto's great. Have you seen this? Have you seen any of these Votto vines?

No. Tell me about them. Okay, so the greatest joy of being a sports fan in the 21st century is the fact that you can see the best thing that happened in sports yesterday automatically using your social media. And the other day, Joey Votto was in foul territory by first base trying to catch a foul ball. He went all the way up to the grandstand. He leaned into the grandstand and the guy in the front row, like big, big beefy guy, stands up and tries to catch it. Bumps into Joey Votto. Joey Votto drops the ball.

Joey Votto drops his glove in frustration, looks at the guy, sees that he's wearing a Reds jersey, grabs the Reds logo on the guy's shirt, pulls it out, like to say, you're supposed to be a Reds fan, shakes his head, turns around and walks away. Shaking his damn head, I think they say. Oh, man. S-M-D-H. Oh, it was the greatest thing ever. And later on, later on in the game, he signed a ball for the guy and took a picture with him.

But it was the single greatest thing that any baseball player's ever done. I'm actually a little ashamed of Votto there for backing off that because he was right. What was that guy doing? He's dead right. He's dead right. Isn't there a thing where Pete Rose would sign any baseball even if it had an anti-Pete Rose message on it?

That's very true. While you were talking, I was Googling, and I found one that says, I broke up the Beatles Pete Rose. Because he needs money so bad that he will sign any baseball. Yeah, it really is. Joey Votto has also been, when he's on the road, he's

been, you know, often the first baseman ends the inning, you know, because he'll make the third out at first base. He'll have the ball and he runs towards the dugout with the ball in his glove. And usually what they'll do is they'll take the ball and throw it into the stands, you know, to some kid or whatever. Joey Votto lately has been running toward the stands, taking the ball out, bringing it behind his head, then shaking his head,

putting it back in his glove, and going into the dugout. I love that because that's a cost-saving measure. You know what I mean? They're trying to keep – Yeah, yeah. Listen, they're just Major League Baseball. They're not made of money. They got to cut costs where they can.

And if that means saving some balls, not breaking as many bats, putting cork in there to save money because they need that wood for other things. Sure, yeah, you can recycle that wood. So it's cheaper cork. Exactly. I was thinking while you guys were talking about local news stories. I came up, I think

I have a great catch-all phrase, catch-all sentence, to say if you're ever interviewed for local news, because it fits no matter what tone of voice you use, it fits any story, and it's this. Honestly, it came out of nowhere. Does this even work when I'm looking at the parade? Yeah.

What did you think of this? Honestly, it came out of nowhere. I was blindsided. I just wasn't excited it came out of nowhere. It looking at the parade? Yeah. Like, what did you think of this parade? Honestly, it came out of nowhere. I was blindsided. I just wasn't excited it came out of nowhere. It was at the farmer's market. I didn't even realize it was the 4th of July. And then, boom, veterans. I don't know. Came out of nowhere.

I wasn't expecting it, but you know what? Having a great time. Have you ever been on the local news, Travis? You know, I have. I actually, I was on a kid's version of the news in Huntington. Yes! All three Magroy brothers were on it at different times. It was called Kids Mag.

Okay. It's just kids with an S, kids with a Z. It was kids with an S. Okay. But full on Technicolor. I can think of a more fun way to spell that. Mag short for magazine? Yes, it was.

The kind you read or the kind you put in guns? I assume it was like, okay, my justification for it when I was like 12 was magazine. It's got to be flexible. You use it for whether it's like it's some sort of news thing. I don't think that's real. I don't know why it was kids magazine. My uncle actually got rich making with a product called Kids Mag that was bullets for guns for children. I have somewhere a photo.

Kids guns. Now that's what I call guns. Kids guns. Both with a Z. Now that's what I call guns. There was somewhere I have almost like a class photo of everyone that I was on Kids Mag with my year. And they all look like pretty normal kids. And then you get to me and I look like a total minkus.

I just full on look like the character Minkus from Boy Meets World. It is not a good look. No, I'm not familiar with this program. What's a minkus? Describe a minkus. Minkus, imagine like your bowl cut. I was more into That's So Raven. Understandable. I remember the girl's boobs.

To pankos, yes, as well. You should. Daniel Fishel. That's what I remember from when I was 11 or whenever that show was on TV. You remember the kids' jugs. They did Girl Meets World, a sequel, a spinoff, sequel, follow-up, spiritual successor. Coming back for all those 90s kids. Daniel Fischel in that as well, playing the same character.

Looks great. Looks exactly the same as she did in the college years of Boy Meets World. But so a Minkus was- Good save. Yes. A Boy Meets World, it looks exactly the same as she did when she was 12. Oh. But the Minkus is a look where when you see it, it's like, oh, that kid must get picked on.

Like there's just something about it where you maybe wouldn't know. Oh, yeah. Christian is holding up a picture of the Minkus. That is a – That's pretty much exactly what I look like when I was like 10, 11, 12. That was my look. Classic. And I was also wearing a lot of children's theater like show shirts.

Oh, yeah. Pippin. I was – Did you have a Pippin? I was not. Griffin was. It probablyin was a probably let's talk let's talk kids mag for a minute yeah was this was this on a commercial television station it was on uh w-o-w-k it was the local uh cbs affiliate was that generally pronounced woe walk or wow wow um w-o-w-k-V. Your wowk.

The things we would cover on. Ouch, my wowk. I was hunting wowk. Finally, a wowk for hunting. I heard she was dating a wowk. Oh, I don't like that one. But we did a lot of like early video game coverage. Early?

Wait, so you reviewed video games yeah wow yeah we did say early video games you mean like atari games from the 70s yeah no let's see i i specifically remember doing a batman game by the way i think must have been tied in with if atari's are not from the 70s go fuck yourself yeah don't email me about that no it definitely is it was on that 70s show don't you worry that's where I get all my 70s information from. Got it. But we did, at one point I got to fly in like an airplane with a kid my age who was learning to be a pilot,

which was a huge, I broke that story. You flew with a child pilot? Yeah. Seems like a liability concern. Doesn't it? Was there an adult present? No, and I'm saying it out loud. I'm thinking there's no way this is true. it seems like the local news when we were growing up had a very lax uh a very lax uh

attitude toward child safety must have had an instructor or something with i know i had my cameraman with me okay and i think i didn't have a child cameraman it wasn't a full child thing just child was on your talent and i feel like there must have been an instructor right i don't think they would have been like hey you shoot 12 year olds have fun in this plane yeah that doesn't make sense that can't be true yeah if you just would have uh you probably hadn't even discovered your sexuality i did i get i think i got to i think we were on rotation of who got to be the – like the anchors. And I remember being an anchor for – and wearing just the coolest like weird print, red, blue.

It was kind of almost like a Navajo print. Now, did you get it for being in Into the Woods? Yes. I was so proud. I don't know how I didn't get beat up more when I was a kid I think about this

I don't know if it's that I've blocked out so much but like I would leave school in the middle of the day to go beyond kids mag like that feels

like a thing that should and like I've seen pictures of myself then I should have gotten beaten up all the time but I mean

that's that's major celebrity maybe that's it maybe like my theory is this kids looked at me and said I'm gonna beat him up and then went no gotten beaten up all the time. That's major celebrity. Maybe that's it. My theory is this. Kids looked at me and said, I'm going to beat him up, and then went, no. Too obvious. It's too easy. A little on the nose. I was very, very

impressed that Gabe Zittrain got that voice job in a CD-ROM game. I mean, that is heavy hitter entertainment. We're talking about serious stuff. I mean, listen. If I had appeared on Bay Area Backroads with Doug McConnell, come on. I did Kids Mag.

I was on the radio with my dad. I was in all kinds of local theater. Listen, I'm not going to say I was the Haley Joel Osment of Huntington-Osmond, but I was. No, Griffin was the Haley Joel. I'm not going to take that. Griffin was the Haley Joel Osment. Sounds like you were a pretty fuckable minkus. That's actually what all the show shirts said all across the shoulder blades.

Fuckable minkus. That's what it'll say on my tombstone. Fuckable comma minkus. Who was the most successful in Huntington, West Virginia entertainment industry among the three McElroy brothers? Okay. Because your father was a local celebrity. It's my dad. Your father was a local celebrity.

A renowned morning host, as I recall, famous for his wacky stunts. Very much so. One time got frozen in a block of ice. I'll tell you all about it someday. I would have to say it was Griffin. Griffin was very cherub Griffin. Griffin was very cherubic. He was very adorable. He's a cutie. Yeah.

He was very fuckable. He was adorable. And his voice was like a tiny angel's. And he got cast as the kid in a lot of college productions. So he was in Pippin as the kid. He was in Oliver as Oliver. He got to play a lot of college productions like so he was he was in pippin as the kid he was in oliver

as oliver like he got to play a lot of like the cute kid role um and i just hated him for it do you think that experience is why he's now so successful in his uh web series about making a guy in a video game with a really big head or whatever? Yes, very much so. Amiibo Corner, that one? Or any of them? No, not Amiibo Corner. The other one where they... Monster Factory. Monster Factory, yes.

Because I think growing up in children's theater is basically a Monster Factory. Yeah. Yeah, I think, like, in general, it's so funny because Griffin is... I don't know that I'm telling tales out of school here when I say the nicest guy. He's got a giant dick. He when i say the nicest guy sweet dong yeah just a real cool dong um is that he's like the nicest dude and he was then too like even as he was starring in all this shit like you would expect him to be real

shitty about it and he wasn't everybody loved griffin all the time still to this day and there was like there was something about him like i think every girl we knew growing up had the biggest crush on Griffin. Can I ask you a serious question? Yes. Do you think the premise of the show Everybody Loves Raymond was stolen from how much everyone loved our little brother Griffin? Yeah, I think that and so do our lawyers.

You know what I mean? Listen, you won't hear about it in the papers, but it was a long battle. But if you read the trades. Yeah, or the dark web. We talked a lot about it in, like, the papers. Right. But it was a long battle. But if you read the trades. Yeah, or the dark web. Like, we talked a lot about the long, lengthy battle. You read dark variety. Variety from Earth 2. Yeah.

So, I mean, I think, listen, I think why we brought you in was for the brainstorming part of this. Yes. was for the brainstorming part of this. Yes. And I do think that we should probably concentrate a lot of our efforts on getting more ink in local news. Right. Because I think the new media

kind of largely ignores podcasts. I mean, I think I saw, Travis, you were mentioned in Uproxx recently I was had a fun interview about you know mostly dream jobs I did great at it yeah I would love to be mentioned in Uproxx but fucking what are you going to do you know I have an idea for you okay here's what you need to do

you need to look at what gets you on the local news right yeah and it's usually one arson improving Boeing some people down in a public park. Improving the community. Working with kids. Or serial killer.

So what I think is, you combine all three. You improve the community. They call that a triple header in baseball terms. You improve the community by working with kids to hunt serial killers. Oh. I know how you thought I was going to go with that. No. This is a lot more fun.

Yes. Training kids to be kind of like a vigilante team. Yeah, and you've got like your Fagin's gang of serial killer hunters. Oh, my God. I want to watch this on the CW now. You've got to catch a killer or two. God. Okay, wait.

TM, TM, TM. I'm going to make this show. This would be a very good CW. I think it's still up in the air as to whether or not this should take place in the DC universe. I think I'm going Dark Horse Comics. It exists in the world of Dark Horse Comics. Maybe Eclipse. I don't know.

I'm going to go one of those independents. I have a lot more freedom. I say we put it in the DCU. There's a lot of untapped characters in the DCU that we haven't seen yet. Most of them were in Suicide Squad. Sure, but what about Alien Ant Farm? Yeah. That was my favorite extended DCU character.

It's one of my favorites. Yeah. They'll come around to him. He was no Sugar Ray. Yeah. He just wanted to fly. The really nice Manta Ray. He's sweet like sugar.

But also, look out, he's got a sting. Can mantas sting you? Uh, yeah. Can you get stung by a manta? Because you can pet them at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. But I think they take off the stingies. Oh, they do? They do sting them, yeah.

No, I don't know. Unless it's SeaWorld, I don't think it would do that. If my son Simon was here, he'd be setting us straight. I think if there's an un- Is he a manta head? Oh, this guy, anything under the sea. He loves it. Yeah.

Does he like Finding Dory? Did he see Finding Dory? He did see Finding Dory. He was cool with it. He was pretty interested in what kind of octopus that was. Yeah. He really likes undersea facts. Okay.

I'm not going to fight you on this. Yeah. Quit trying to pick this fight with me. I don't know if his birthday's coming up, but have you considered a diving bell? All I got him was a butterfly. A little diving bell? My first diving bell. Yeah.

I got him. It was a real gift of the magi situation. I got him a monitor. He got me a Merrimack. But you sold your Merrimack. Yeah, to buy the monitor. He got you a Merrimack chain, so you wouldn't lose your Merrimack. Dad will love the ironclad warships.

We can work the logic of that out later. Thank you. Can we? Seems unlikely. Yeah, it's probably a waste of time. We'll do that in the after show. Yeah. Talking Jordan Jesse Go.

Jordan Jesse Wint. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool. With Pete Wint. Is that guy? Pete Wint. Start with a cool jib shot. Yeah.

George Wint. I was trying to think of. I confused it with Pete Wint. Pete Wint. I think it's the base layer for Fall Out Boy. Where is the Pete Wint's George Wendt super group? Wasn't that Alien Ant Farm? Oh, that was Alien Ant Farm.

They went that way. That really fun cover of Smooth Criminal. Yeah, they were good. They were good. Very good. Critics and audiences agree. Alien Ant Farm were really good. They had one of those very memorable.

I don't really remember Alien Ant Farm for anything other than the Michael Jackson cover. Yeah. And they did a, oh God, what's that called? A Cribs where they just went to their house in San Diego and it was a very gross house. Uh-huh. And there were a lot of guys sleeping there who they had to wake up because Cribs were there. And then they all had a barbecue. Oh, man, that's great.

That was good. That does sound nice. That's nice. I didn't know that there was a rock music version of that. I think just once in a while they would throw in a rocker. Yeah, well, no, I didn't know that there was a rock music version of doing a Cribs, but the house is super shitty. Which one are you thinking of that's the non-rock version? I believe it was Redman.

Yes, that's exactly the episode I was thinking of as well. I think it was. He revealed some poop in the toilet. It might have been Method Man, but I think it was Redman. Badhouse. Yeah, just a shitty apartment. Just an apartment with no furniture and an Xbox. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah. So, okay. So we... So let's work on getting this gang of crime orphans together. They don't... Hold on. They don't have to be orphans. It helps. Oh, I'll orphan them. Okay. I don't want them to have any... Ooh, what a twist! You're the serial killer. Here's the thing. I don't want them to have any ties.

Uh-huh. So, you know, if they have, like, a family that they're worried about or – Can I ask you a question? Yeah. What if they have an important event like a confirmation or a wedding? Aren't they going to need ties? Yeah, that's true. You know, I don't think I want them attending formal events.

Got it. Because then that leads to drinking. Like what if they have to go to like a nice – like an old school nice restaurant, like a wood paneling and – Well, they'll get a tie there. Oh and well they'll get they'll get a tie there oh okay yeah they'll have a jacket and tie there

ready for them and it probably won't fit right but that'll be kind of cute that will be cute and then they can kill the maitre d

wait no they're not killers they're hunting only in the case when they're given a tie and jacket by a maitre d oh I see

or if the maitre d is a killer like maitre d can be killers yeah they could so this is by a maitre d'. Oh, I see. Or if the maitre d' is a killer. Maitre d's could be killers. Yeah, they could. Wait, so this is like a vengeance gang? Well, okay. I thought it was a gang of colorful detectives. Imagine Dexter, but full of little kids.

Right. Instead of one Dexter, 12 little kids doing the job of one Dexter. This is sounding pretty good to me so far. I'm going to put it on HBO Junior. Uh-huh. Lil HBO. Lil HBO. Can I ask a question? Yeah. This is sounding pretty good to me so far. I'm going to put it on HBO Junior. Lil HBO. Lil HBO. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Could we get a baby elephant in there? Yeah, we can. Yeah, sure. Maybe a baby elephant only the kids can see. The voice of Paul Lynde. Yeah, who tells them who their next target is. While you're gone, get me some peanuts. Got to put gonna put them in my truck remember to kill that

murderer uh okay so so okay so we got an angle but i mean also i think in addition to this in addition to this we also will just do general general interviews about podcasting, knowing each other, height differences. Should we start a cool local event? Oh, yeah. Like a dog walk-a-thon? Sure, yeah. It helps if you pick something quirky that benefits something serious. How about this?

How about this? How about this? We all put on swim caps okay i like it so far goggles or googles okay nose plugs yeah and we we walk around but we pretend like we're swimming and there's a big group of us and we're all doing this uh-huh and we're creating awareness for some shit yeah okay great just let people fill in whatever they want to like we're generating general awareness.

What do you need to be more aware of? Yeah. Like, think about it yourself. Oh. We're generating awareness awareness. I mean, to some extent, aren't we,

at the end of the day, generating awareness of the fact that we've never been on the local news? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's kind of the overarching...

And you know what's great about that? That's a problem you can solve. Like, you can have a glorious ending. You can have the reveal of, like, oh, we about that? That's a problem you can solve. You can have a glorious ending. You can have the reveal of like, oh, we're on the news now. We can all stop. Like, right now, we're on the news. There's a payoff, because the problem is sometimes people are like,

we need to cure this big disease, and you're like, yeah, we're never going to do that. There's no fulfilling conclusion to this, but we need to get on the news. It's a thrilling conclusion, I would say. Will they, won't they? Ross and Rachel. That's a real Ross and Rachel situation. It's a real, Jordan and the local news are a real Ross and Rachel.

Can I pitch something? What about getting involved in local politics and specifically the graft part of local politics? Okay. Like Shrimp Boy. Shrimp Boy, the famous Japanese gangster? Chinese. Chinese gangster. San Francisco Chinese gangster Shrimp Boy.

Okay. I think we could be the next Shrimp Boy. Shrimp Boy's headed to prison. Yeah. There's a real vacuum at the top there. We move to San Francisco. Tell people we're Chinese. So far, so good.

Yeah. Now bring her on home. Just prove that we have organizational skills. Yeah. Because we're not going to be the muscle here. Absolutely. Show them some spreadsheets. Yeah.

Do you worry that if you wanted to be like the whimsical political option that people might accidentally take you too seriously and you would become like, I don't know, a candidate for the president of the United States. And then you're just stuck in it with no escape. It is a concern these days that you can accidentally become a presidential candidate through no fault of your own. This was supposed to be a goof, you guys. I'm looking at you, Jill Stein. She seems like a lovely woman.

She seems great. How, okay. So, I mean, obviously it would be great if we could get this done locally. Mm-hmm. KTLA 5, ABC 7 Eyewitness News. Think globally, act locally. Mm-hmm. But I would be willing to travel a little bit for this.

I want this for me, and I think it would be good, you know. I think we might need to travel. If I'm honest. Sure. You see the star power that they're bringing onto the local news in Los Angeles. Dave Holmes. Wait, was Dave Holmes on the show?

Oh, yeah. He was talking about his book. God damn it. It was fucking great. Was he talking about his book out of context?

Like, they interviewed him about some tragedy that had happened. He was like, also, let me tell you about part of your book. He was there for a city council meeting.

It's like, I've got a book out. So, yeah. So, I mean, obviously, yeah, we're competing with a lot of star power. But I think you're sure. Can I ask, should we just run Dave Holmes for city council?

Yes. I mean, against his will? By a weird loophole, you don't need their permission to do it. That's just fact. Dave is going to be pleasant whether he wants to be there or not. Of course. We just got to get him to the rallies and he's not going to be rude to people and tell them he doesn't want to run. No.

Could we run him and his opponent Bug the Cat? Because listen, there's two charming things out there, right? You've mentioned my cat. I want to put your cat up for city council. I don't hate the idea. Okay. I need some convincing. We put the hat on him.

He's going to win. Boy, yeah. He's got a little hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, okay. Picture in your head. I want you to close your eyes. Sure.

Picture the debate between Dave Holmes and Bug the Cat in a hat. Fuck, yeah, yeah. I just, okay, picture in your head. I want you to close your eyes. Sure. Picture the debate between Dave Holmes and Bug the Cat in the Hat. Fuck, man. That would be the goddamn best. Jesus Christ, that would be good. They might elect them in tandem. Yeah. Oh, the first time they're like, we can't choose. We love them both.

Just kind of like the presidential election now. Yeah. I just love them both so much. Just get them both in there. Have fun. Just draw a little line down the middle of the Oval Office. So, okay. What if we got blazed with Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson?

Oh, boy. That would be great. That guy loves to puff guns. Get blazed, go rock climbing. Yeah. Oh, man. I would love that. Eliminate welfare. Get blazed, go rock climbing. Yeah. Oh, man, I would love that. Eliminate welfare.

Yeah. That's not that chill. Gary, I thought you were chill. Install a regressive consumption tax. Just stuff from his platform. So we're willing to – how – okay. I don't have an opinion about that stuff sure none of us do yeah um so we're willing to travel i'll there's two things i will travel for

okay one to be on the local news uh-huh two to do gang vocals on your punk rock song uh-huh that's when like a chorus comes and every there's a oh you get all your dumb buddies in and you all yell something right i'd love to do that i know i'm get all your dumb buddies in and you all yell something. Right. I'd love to do that. I know I'm explicitly not your dumb buddy out there, but... You could become their dumb buddy first. If you need somebody to do gang vocals, I'm there. With enough lead time, you could become their dumb buddy ahead of time.

Yeah, it could be like a long weekend kind of thing where maybe you're recording on Sunday. I fly out Thursday night, Friday morning, and we just spend the long weekend together. I hear about the band. Maybe if you have a show, I can go to that. I did some gang vocals on a Dub C album in the mid-90s. See, that's good. Yeah. That's almost as good as being on the local news.

Yeah. Well, I mean, at the time, I mean, the amount of my whole deal, a lot of people remember the 90s, you know, they're thinking about whatever. Minkus. That's a raven. Stinkus. Kid's mag. Snap bracelets. For me, it was all about Crippen.

Just so, I was so into Crippen. Yeah. Just all I did, seriously, from 1993 to 1997, all I did was set trip. I see. Yeah. It was out of control. But it got me on that Dubsea album. It's pretty good.

Jordan, let me ask you a question. Yeah. What is your dated – how short term can you travel? Like how much notice turn around? Sure. I would love some advance notice. Demanding go-go career is something I have. You're a modern woman.

I'm a modern woman. I'm trying to have it all. Family, career, sweet dong. Here's my idea. And local news. Yeah, and appearances on the local news. Here's my idea. You keep a bag packed, your go bag, and then every morning you call anywhere you can fly to in an hour and ask them what their news day is like.

So what do I got? San Jose? San Jose. Maybe Vegas. Vegas. They're never going to have a slew of news days. Like one of those bags that you keep by the door if your wife is pregnant. Exactly.

A grab and go bag. Or if you're afraid of an earthquake or a forest fire. Or if you're into some illegal shit. Yes. And you just call every morning early and say, what's the news day look like? Could you use someone? I could be there by noon. You know what I mean?

I will have a local news go bag. And I think I've accumulated enough goodwill at my job to where if I just don't show up one day, people will be okay with it. And especially if I forward them the sweet local news clip afterwards. Like, oh, that's why you just didn't randomly show up to work. We needed that press. Thank you for getting out there and talking about Chris Hardwick and the local news. I don't know. We absolutely mentioned Chris Hardwick at Midnight Comedy Central.

I think actually, I think you've hit on something here, Travis. I think what we do is we hire a publicist and we hire ourselves out as Hardwick experts. We've known Chris since we were in college. Sure. That's perfect. We have a long history with Chris Hardwick since he drove down to do our college radio benefit show when we were 20 years old. Yeah. I think we are in a

unique position to comment on his place at the center of American popular culture. Yeah. And his place just after immediately after American pop culture. Yeah. And his place just after, immediately after American pop culture, talking about that pop culture. You could do the after show of his after show. Yeah, but on local news.

But on local news. Stay tuned for your local Hardwick Talk show. That's it. We don't even need to go on someone else's show. We pitch local stations, a show that airs after Chris Hardwick's after shows that talks about Chris Hardwick. We've got the expertise.

We've got the connections. We can get Jonah Ray in there. We can get Matt Myra in there. Well, Jonah Ray. Yeah. We can get some people that have known Chris Hardwick. Look, you think if we buy him a plane ticket, Mike Furman's going to say no?

No, he's the nicest guy in the world. Nicest guy in the world. No, wait, will he say no? Yeah, this is what's going to make us rich. Yeah, and then I think we can just slide into kind of a general commentator's role. Like a Howard Cosell. Yes, exactly.

And then anytime something big happens in the community and pop culture, who are you looking at? Down goes Hardwick. These three guys. Now, it is important that you never have Hardwick on the show. I don't think we still have Hardwick's phone number. But you have to make it seem as though you could if you wanted to. Chris is very famous now. Yes, I've heard of him.

I am aware of his sphere. He lives at the Hearst Castle. I have heard, yes. But I think it's important that you make it seem as though you have the illusion that you could have him on if you wanted to. But you're choosing not to because you don't want to get. We don't want to compromise our. Exactly. That's what we call just the tip. Exactly. That's what we call just the tip.

Exactly. Got it. Here's. The old just the tip. Here's a tip. When it comes to just a tip. Promise to have hard wick on your show. Is that supposed to rhyme?

No, I think it's about like hard wick. No, it was like a rhythmic. Oh, okay. I'm like a preacher. I'm like a down-home preacher. You're a scat man. It's a scat. You're a scat man preacher.

You're thinking of Mr. Carruthers was my father. Yeah, please call me the scat man. I didn't spend eight years at scat school to be called Mr. Carruthers. I'm the scat man. How long did he have to be a scat school to be called Mr. Carruthers. I'm the scat man. How long did he have to be a scat man before he was just like, you know what? You're it.

It's a Highlander thing. You have to kill the scat man. I killed eight scat men to get here. And you can only kill them by decapitating them. And you can only decapitate them by scatting at them. Yeah. You distract them with scats. You scat their head off.

Scat the head off. You know, I learned in the Boy Scouts that you can actually learn a lot about a scat man from its scat. Work the shaft, scat the head. Ladies, if you want to please your man during your wedding night, you got to work the shaft and scat the head. Just a tip for you, ladies. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse.

Ugh. Going into a Bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's an actual conversation, and sometimes it gets real. No, but my mother, I remember when I got... This is going to become a therapy session very quickly. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm in therapy. That was a great interview.

Bullseye. Creators you know, creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Travis McElroy, benevolent drifter. Thank God.

Yeah. I'm tired of these malevolent drifters. Yeah, boy. I'm trying to think of a character I could play in the next Stranger Things season. It's a benevolent drifter. They didn't have a drifter archetype. They needed a drifter archetype. I could fill that role. I'm trying to think of a character I could play in the next Stranger Things season. It's a Neville and Drifter. They didn't have a Drifter archetype. They need a Drifter archetype. I could fill that role.

I'm good at that. Drift in. Give a little advice. Drift in. Oh, what's he doing at the diner? I don't trust him. Oh, turns out he's pretty heroic. Give the kids a little information about the Upside Down.

I'm just saying. Bad news, Travis. I read the trades on the dark web. And I heard that they actually cast the guy who lives in his van down the street from me and yells at himself a lot. That doesn't sound super benevolent. At most, that sounds chaotic neutral to me. Yeah.

Yeah. He's got a lot of heat after his crackle original. It came down. You went down the street from David Spade? Yeah. Honestly, at the end of the day, it came down to the guy who lived in the van down the street from me and yells at himself a lot. And the guy who lives just up the hill from that guy on the undeveloped land in a real bed. An actual bed.

You pay a lot of money to stay in that in Joshua Tree. There's a drifter with a bed. I guess we should say Like a four poster? We should have said that these are spoilers. Oh, sorry. For season two. Sorry. Yeah. Season two of walking around near my house and feeling a little physically uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. That's what

Stranger Things was based on. Some people think it's just kind of a mashup of Stephen King stories. But it's really based on what happens when you walk around near your house. Oh. Mm-hmm. Jessie lives in the Upside Down.

She writes. I mostly watch Red Oaks. Oh. I like Red Oaks. It's fun. What's that? It's a show on Amazon. Oh.

Yeah, it's fun. It sounds fun. You should watch it. It's got Paul Reiser and- Whoa. Are you going to- Stop right there? You need to go on?

I do. You made this sale. I am mad about him. I do because it also has Richard Kind. Whoa. Mad about him, too. That's a little mad about you reunion. It is fun.

Does Hunt show up? It's a fun show. No, I haven't seen any Hunt. But it's got Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing. Okay. It really is a fun show. That sounds fun. Okay, anyway. Sponsor on this week's program are friends

at Warby Parker. Hmm. Do you think that when Warby Parker named their company, they ever considered calling it Warby Parkour? I mean, they're like, listen, we gotta jump in this parkour thing while it's hot. Listen, these are durable glasses, right?

Yeah. Yeah, we can all agree. Well, whatever. The guy just comes into the meeting, I just saw a James Bond movie and I've got some ideas. I was leaping across a British roof. I've been watching some French action film. And I think I've got the golden bullet for it. Guys, it's currently the early 2000s.

And I think I've got the golden bullet for it. Guys, it's currently the early 2000s. Prescription glasses from Warby Parker. They do indeed make beautiful and durable glasses. Start at $95, including the lenses. I know this. My wife has bought glasses from Warby Parker. They've got a home try-on program where you order five pairs of glasses. They get shipped directly to you for free.

You try on all the frames. Get a feel for them. Get feedback from others. Rub them all over. Get a feel. Sure. You know. Get them up in. See how it works. And then you mail them back in a prepaid package. With a note that says, I licked these. No, I wouldn't lick. I would not put

a note in there. Be sensible. If you lick them, just send them back. That's your secret shame. That's your secret shame. That's your secret shame. That's your secret thing. Got a special offer for Jordan and Jesse Go listeners. You go to warbyparker.com slash JJGo. Yes, warbyparker.com slash JJGo. Then that's how you get those five glasses in the mail to try on and do with as you please.

Yeah. I mean, they really encourage that. Be sensible. Do not document it. Their standard is be sensible. Do not document it. Their standard is be sensible. Don't write a note. Yeah.

Okay. That's actually the tagline. Out of sight, out of mind. Risk-free, free shipping all around warbyparker.com slash JJGO. If you want to advertise on Jordan and Jesse, go. Wow, it's great. What a great idea for you and your business. Sure.

I mean, if you've got a local business, you're hoping to get to the level where you're getting on the news. Yeah. I mean, we're soon to be local news personalities. Yeah. So. Could we become green grocers? Television green grocers? God, I wish.

Was there a green grocer in Los Angeles when you were growing up? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Guy who tells you what's at the farmer's market. Guy who tells you what melons are in season. Yeah. He's got like a melon set. I watched that guy two days ago. Really?

That guy is still doing that. I don't know if it was the same guy from when I was growing up, but there is currently a guy doing that. Same guy, same melons. Yeah, exactly. They're still good. Just like with Topanga. Oh, doctor. I hope she doesn't listen. Oh with Topanga. Oh, doctor. I hope she doesn't listen.

Oh, Topanga. You know what? I hope she does. Everyone knows that all 13-year-olds were into Topanga's boobs. I'm not breaking any ground here. No, no. This ain't news. Everyone knows this.

Honestly, I didn't see it coming. If you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse, go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, no announcements on the Jumbotron this week. It'll be fun to do some announcements. We make it cheap and easy to share your message with the world, whether it's a birthday, a christening. Sure. Dia de los Muertos.

Quinceanera. Quinceanera. We specialize in quinceaneras. Bar and bot mitzvahs. We've been taking ballroom dance classes, so we're ready for the formal dance at the quinceañera bar and bat mitzvahs we've been taking we've been taking uh ballroom dance classes so we're ready for the formal dance at the quinceañera fuck yeah we are um we we would probably do like saint patrick's day happy saint patrick's day um uh unexpected pregnancies yeah we do that hey honey, honey, I'm pregnant.

Just anything like if you, like let's say you're a would-be mom and you have your Norplant removed but don't tell your beau. Sure. Uh-huh. You've got me so far. We're a great way to deliver the news that you're pregnant. Hey, remember when you blasted inside me and thought it would be cool? Well, it wasn't. It wasn't cool.

He thought it would be cool. He thought you were real cool. He thought you were a real cool... You thought you were a real cool... Real cool blaster. Real cool dog. Oh, you thought you were a regular MC scat cat. Remember when he blasted inside Paula Abdul? A real Dr. Carruthers. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Oh, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Travis McElroy, metropolitan cowboy. Can I just ask your advice on this issue I've been having? As you know, I've got two beautiful children, one of whom is two about to be three. And my older one, his favorite restaurant is this restaurant called My Taco. It's a great restaurant, by the way.

Anybody who's in northeast LA. My Taco. My Taco. That's where it's at. Get those al pastor fries. Or get that barbacoa de borrego. Ooh. That is hella good.

Sounds nice. Get yourself some nice- Were you just scatting just then? Dude, meats. Oh, you know what? I read about my taco recently. And I'm like, I got to get there. They have really nice carnitas, too.

Okay. They crisp them up nice. That's, you know, I don't like a soggy carnita. Yeah. Crisp it. It's such a delicious meat. Chunk it and crisp it. But I think if it's damp, you know, that's when I feel like it's losing me.

Yeah. My mom used to go to the corner store, actually, like the liquor store. They had carnitas. And you buy them, they just put them in a brown paper bag. And you take them home with just the grease dripping through the bag. Before the bag disintegrates. Shit was hella good. Oh, it's a rush.

You got to get home before the bag goes away. Shit was hella good. Anyway, my taco is my son's favorite restaurant. My older son. My younger son also likes it because he likes anything the big brother likes. Yeah, sure. But we have a real problem telling him we're going there.

And this is 100% real. Okay. We'll say, Oscar, we're going to my taco. And he will flip the fuck out and say, no, my taco.

Oh, so this is a who's on first situation. He, there's, and there's no way. Once you have entered this world of pain, there's no way, like, we will say, well, it's called my taco. No, that. He won't hear it. He's literally screaming at us. No, my taco, my taco.

Oscar's taco. Wow. Does he think he owns the roast? Maybe he's a majority stakeholder. I'm invested in it. We're franchising it. We're going national. Hostile takeover.

No, that is not the situation. He does have a wing stop. Oh. Yeah. He does have a wing stop. Oh. Yeah. He bought it from Rick Ross. He 40-shot him into it. Yeah. Does Rick Ross own wing stops?

Wait, does he own the entire thing? I think Rick Ross owns wing stops. That can't possibly be true. Confirm that, Christian. I know E40 has a wing stop. Oh. He may even have a couple wing stops. But they're like franchise outlets of Wingstops.

Sure. God, we got to ask the Doughboys about this. I'm sure they know. I think that's where I learned about it. Really? Yeah. I'm sure Nick Weiger has written a four-paragraph essay about Rick Ross's Wingstops. He has a Wingstop, but he does not own Wingstop all out.

Can you really own Wingstop? That's true. Travis, do you know about- It's like, can you catch a rainbow in a jar? Exactly, yeah. Do you know about Rick Ross with the GQ reporter in the Louis Vuitton store? The answer is probably no. I'm sure that I've said this on Jordan Jesse Gold, because it's my favorite thing in the world, but I'm going to share it with you.

So there's this great GQ article. I'm pretty sure it was GQ. They came out maybe, I'm going to say four years ago, three, four years ago, big profile of Rick Ross. And one of the parts that has just held, that I've held in my heart as like a beacon of light ever since I read it, is there's a part where they all go to the luxury mall in Miami where Rick Ross lives and they go in the Louis Vuitton store and Rick Ross is buying purses

for the various beautiful women that are hanging out with him and he turns to the guy who's writing the article about him and he says, you see anything here you'd like to fuck with courtesy of Rick Ross? That's really good. And all of the bags were filled with hot wings, right? Yep, you see anything here you'd like to fuck with, courtesy of Rick Ross? That's really good.

And all of the bags were filled with hot wings, right? Yep, you got it. Boy. And that's where he got the idea for wing stuff. They were just filled with blue. One Louis Vuitton bag filled with hot wings, one filled with blue cheese. Yep. So have you just thought about changing the name when you talk about it?

I mean – But the thing is I can't change it on the five-year-old. Yeah. I mean is he – can you just call it – He's not old enough to – so the younger one is not old enough to understand whatever grammatical principle is at hand here, the transitive property or whatever. The older one is not old enough to understand subterfuge. Sure. Although he did come up with a secret plan.

Did I already talk about the secret plan? I don't think so. Go ahead. His secret plan is in the middle of the night, him and Oscar are going to sneak out of the house and go to the pizzeria, stand on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat, and buy a pizza. Now, hold on.

The trench coat shoulder idea, did they come up with that on their own? Or is that a thing? Because I would love to believe that that was just spontaneously, like he just went, wait, wait, hold on. It all makes sense. It was an episode of Shaun the Sheep. sheep which if you've got a kid that age it's nice to know i can't recommend sean the sheep or if you like if you like great claymation i've watched it i am currently childless yeah sure is it it's if you're a lonely my wife and i watched it together sir it was a shared couple experience. While fucking, sir. I can't get hard unless I see sheep on each other's shoulders wearing a trench coat.

What I am into in my own home is my business, sir. This is America. It's good to know that that trope has carried over into children's animation since we were kids. I guess probably since the Little Rascals or something. I was talking about this with someone the other day where we were talking about things to like cartoons. There are so many concepts present in kids' heads that like they haven't seen

in real life but like they've seen like Bugs Bunny singing opera and they're like, mm-hmm, I understand this. The horns on the thing.

And it's like, you never saw opera. It's like, no, I saw Bugs Bunny do it. It's like that's how, there's like all this weird like permeation bleed

of concepts that they just learned from seeing it mocked in like cartoons. I just think it's fascinating. It's not a funny bit I'm doing. No, I understand exactly what you're talking about. Like for me, I've never been hunting, but I know that if you're hunting wabbits, you have to be very quiet. Exactly. If you shoot a duck, his bill will spin around to the back of his head.

He'll be fine. But he'll have to adjust his bill will spin around to the back of his head. He'll be fine. But he'll have to adjust his bill and he'll look a little annoyed. That's actually what happened to Dick Cheney's buddy that one time. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. Drop it.

But, I mean, can't you just change the name for both of them? Can't you just call it Taco Land or Taco Place? No, because Simon's one, Simon's not going to have it. That's his favorite fucking restaurant. You think I can just change the name on him? Can you explain to Oscar that it's spelled M-A-I? Oh no, like Mai Tai.

It's a Mai Taco. Oh, I see. It's a homonym. I misunderstood, Father. It's named after the massacre at Mai Lai. Have you thought about just not feeding the younger one? Yeah, I mean, that's what we're working on. Or just letting him, I mean, not feeding him. That sounds really harsh.

Letting him forage for himself. Just learning independence. Letting him eat scraps like a house pig. Sure, yeah. Yeah, we slop him. Oh, yeah, okay. I mean, it's not like we don't slop him. He just doesn't eat at restaurants.

Well, the kid's been slopped. Yeah. Hey, you slop him. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not like we don't slop him. He just doesn't eat at restaurants. Yeah. Hey, you slop the kid? You slop the preschooler, we say? Isn't that the basis of the show, The Slop? I saw that. Somebody slopped a kid, and it was like a whole series. That's not important.

Oh, yeah, The Slop. Because it sounds like slap. Yeah, that's what it's thinking. Right. Sort of a weird carnival of privilege the show was. God, I never watched that show. I had no interest in it. Yep.

Me neither. Those bus signs really didn't turn me on. I think I missed it. What show are you talking about? The Slap. The Slap. I don't remember that. What is that?

We don't need to. We don't need it. It was a show that some people liked, loved to hate. I was very happy that I had the billboards so that every time I was in the car with my wife and drove by it, I could say, I'm working on a sequel show called The Tickle. And I just thought that was the funniest joke in the world. Jesus Christ. Is that even a joke? What's the premise of that joke?

Listen, that's as much a joke as I'm capable of making. That's like something a cool uncle would call sex. He's like, oh, a little slap and tickle. Exactly. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because, you know.

Listen, it's not a good joke. Uncle likes to get in there. And tickle stuff? Yeah. Likes to work the minkus. Doing the minkus one of the stinkus, right? Just the tip and you got to work the minkus. Just the tip.

Scat the shaft. Yo, mink and the stink. What are we talking about? How did we get here? How to get the kids to the restaurant while saying the name to one kid. Nothing I can say in that situation. I have tried every rhetorical avenue. None of them failed to.

Like you would think that you would be able to trick him. Every single thing you say escalates the situation. Seems like the classic parable of the goat, the scorpion, and the grain. Yeah, exactly. You've got to get them. That's exactly what I was going to bring up, Jordan. Thank you. No joke.

I was thinking the exact same thing. The classic goat, scorpion, grain puzzler. Yeah. So you got Simon, Oscar, and a bag of grain. Yeah. You leave Simon with the grain. It's spelt specifically. Yeah.

Dress one up as a scorpion. What if you, could you do a little like super subterfuge and just like start saying time and like say it fast enough that they're like, what did, uh, it's probably fine. And they don't think about it until they get there. I'm like, oh, my taco. Okay, great. Maybe me, maybe me and my wife working together could ghost light them. Yeah. What's that? Wait could ghost light them. Yeah.

What's that? Wait, gaslight them. Yeah. Ghost light is the thing in theater that keeps theaters from being haunted. Also, what's that? What's gaslighting? Gaslighting is when you pretend something is the case that is not the case, and no one acknowledges that you're pretending. Everyone around someone does that until they believe that either that is true or case and no one acknowledges that you're pretending everyone around someone does

that until they believe that either that is true or they're going insane. That's where you like fart and hold somebody's head under the blankets. Exactly. If you slowly move the furniture like one quarter of an inch to the right every day slowly over time and if they're like I don't know what you're talking about.

So that's just a fun thing you can do to slowly drive your partner insane and maybe collect some insurance money. I can't know what you're talking about. So that's just a fun thing you can do. That sounds fun. To slowly drive your partner insane and maybe collect some insurance money. I can't remember what the movie was about. Yeah, or write a play around 1900. We're still talking about the slap. Yeah. Yeah, I think gaslighting is going to have to be the way to go. What about just like pulling the older one aside?

Saying, hey, shut up about this, but we're going to my taco. What if I pull the older one aside saying hey shut up about this but we're going to my taco what if i pull the make it because i think kids love what kids like to know what kids like is to be told to shut up yeah they love it they just love discipline they love to have a secret with daddy uh-huh yeah like i said discipline yeah daddy secrets. This is getting creepy. This is an innocent daddy secret that brings you together. Can he only hold one secret at a time? Because there's some stuff I don't want my wife to know about. I remember, you know, when I was a kid, I felt really like, I felt like a big boy.

When my daddy would pull me aside. It would be like at the movies or something. He'd point to his drink cup. He's like, hey, shut up about this, but this is whiskey. Wow. It was great. And it made The Little Mermaid better. It made The Little Mermaid infinitely better.

Have you gotten to the age yet with Simon where you can do the, like, I need you to be the older brother and I need you to be like, I need you to lie. I need you to lie. About the name of a restaurant. I'm going to teach you about the world and the world is full of lies for everyone's good. Not quite.

But I relate to what you're saying. I think it could work. That actually, that happened to me when I was like six or seven. My dad pulled me aside at the movie theater and he pointed to his drink cup and he said, to me, when I was like six or seven, my dad pulled me aside at the movie theater, and he pointed to his drink cup, and he said, you know, I never loved your mother.

Would you like some slice? Now drink this slice. See? Well, daddy's secret. Yeah. Daddy's secrets. Never hurt nobody. Yeah. Daddy secrets. Never hurt nobody. Yeah.

When we were scatting in the last segment or two segments ago. Yes. Travis, you said you got caught at home doing some home scatting. Okay. So. Was that like a wildcat scat? If you ever feel down, yelling loudly, I'm a scat man, really does just pick you right up. You know that that's not what scatting is.

I know. It's a prelude to a scat. Okay, because you can't not follow that up with a... Yeah, yeah. And so I was doing that on repeat. What part of that were you doing? The whole thing. The whole thing.

You're reproducing, Travis. I know. I'm going to be someone's dad. But I was doing it unconsciously. I was just sitting there at my desk working, I think maybe editing one of my 7,000 podcasts, and just out loud going, I'm the scat man.

And my wife leaned her head in the door like, what are you doing? I was like, oh. I was unconsciously scatting was unconscious well i'm off to the affair store i've gotta leave now i understand take all my take all my goods 12 pack please well i've i've broken the prenup i understand uh i'm sorry dear I couldn't help but be normal just now. This is the part of marriage that terrifies me, is the there will be someone around to see what I'm like when I'm alone. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the thing.

Someone will accidentally catch me thinking that I'm alone. I've never developed alone skills. So because I've been with my wife since we were 17 years old, when I went away to college, I was living in a dorm. When I moved out of my dorm, I lived with a roommate, and we played Seaman all the time. Great game. I hope that was a game. When I moved back home.

You also played Sega Dreamcast from time to time too, right? That was good. Thanks. When I moved back home, I moved in with my now wife. So I have no alone mode. In fact, if I'm alone, I am paralyzed. Like one thing that i won't do if uh like let's like one time theresa took the kids with her to the bay area to go to a family wedding that i wasn't going to

i'm at home alone i don't know when or how to go to sleep yeah you don't have the markers like normally i go to bed i go to bed like 10 i'm not i'm not a I'm in bed at 10 and up at 6. That's just the reality of my life. The old 10 to 6. You got to get out there and start plowing the fields. A classic 7-Eleven situation. Yeah, yeah. And my wife isn't there.

I'll just sit there going around in circles. I'll start playing Sim I'll just start playing SimCity 2000 or something. Like I'm so lost. Two in the morning. I don't know what to do. Yeah. Like my bedtime schedule is dependent on when my wife is like, we're going to sleep now. And I'm like, okay.

Not because like I want to stay up later and she's dragging me to bed. Like I'm not looking at any kind of timekeeping piece. It's like I'm just waiting for the tides to turn and my wife's like we're going to sleep now i'm like okay when my wife is not there i become panicked like yeah and i hate going right i hate going to sleep because i feel that death could surprise me there oh yeah definitely and so i in without my wife making me do it i would try and stay up forever in order to cheat death. You're describing my childhood. That's exactly.

I was awake from nine to 12 because I was afraid of dying in my sleep. That's real. I read a lot. And then I got a dog and everything got better. I will say, okay, to your point, one of the lovely things about marriage, though, is when you do something weird, like unconsciously scat to make yourself feel better about a bad situation going on in the world and your partner looks at you and they're like yeah i'm not going anywhere where you're like okay it's not i'm not that bad it's a wonderful nice moment hold on travis i'm getting a call uh it's from the nobel Committee. What's that? You want me to give Travis a Nobel Prize for heaviest psychological information offhandedly mentioned on a podcast?

Well, congratulations, Travis. Congratulations. I've been training for years. I happily accept this award. Now it's time to retire and die. You just lay on this pyre set it aflame yeah i feel like i've gotten uh i have lived alone for the past i don't know 10 years yeah 12 years yeah somewhere in that zone, approaching a decade. Yeah. And I mean, I'm a strange man with weird habits, but I've gotten real weird. I am real weird.

I will watch five minutes of a TV show and then turn it off and then lay down and then pick up the cat and sit with her in the bathroom. That's my night. Because the TV show is just too much? Nah, I'm just done with it, you know? Okay. What do you do? Why have you got the cat in the bathroom? Because she hasn't been there today. She's been in the living room all day.

So you want to make sure she gets the whole apartment experience. Time to take her into the bathroom. You're not experiencing this apartment enough. Are you really getting the most out of this apartment? Because she won't go in there on her own. She needs some variety. It's the spice of life. She won't go in there on her own? She needs some variety. It's the spice of life. She won't go in there on her own?

Why not? Well, she will sometimes. She'll have a little zone and she'll stick there for a while. I see. I'm just worried that she's not seeing the whole apartment. I gotcha. So, anyway. So I am worried that I will have to at some point live with someone and then they'll have to watch that unfold.

Yeah. Love is terrible. It sounds like the worst. Stay away. Stay away. More video games. Yeah, good call. Yeah, I think, look, if you think about the advantages of the single life

or the single guy starring Jonathan Silverman. You're giving up on Jonathan Silverman. You're giving up on... Donman. You're giving up on... Don't give up on him! Yeah. He didn't give up on Birdie when they went on that weekend together.

That's a very inspirational movie. He didn't even give up on Birdie when he had a voodoo curse placed on him in Weekend at Birdie's 2, and it made him dance and get shot with a harpoon gun. Like you do. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. What were you saying? I got Jonathan. These are the advantages of the single life. Jonathan Silverman. You have to give up any hope for a deeper fulfillment. But on the plus side, you can do any kind

of dish system you want. Yeah. Like whether it's put the dishes in the dishwasher right away, hand wash the dishes right away, leave the dishes on the table and just use the same dishes every meal. Yeah. Whatever the system is, you can do that. Paper plate. You can just use paper plates and just toss them out the windows. Right in the slop heap. Let me tell you, long-term relationship,

not nearly as long-term as Jesse, but LTR, is one of the weirdest things that I could not have explained. Sorry, TRL. I could not have explained to young Travis is reaching a point in your life where meal decisions are a group activity. I remember in college where I'm like,

I'm going to have a frozen dinner, and it wasn't a question. Sure. There was no like, are we having frozen dinners for dinner tonight? Yeah. It just was what happened

and I now live in a world where I have to justify the fact that I want chicken wings for dinner sometimes. Sure. And like, listen, we all can't be Rick Ross

and just have them on tap. We can't just get chicken wings wherever we want to. He's got them on tap so he has like a keg of chicken wings. Yeah. One time I was hanging out

with Rick Ross and we went into a BW3. He's like, you see anything here you'd like to fuck with? Boom. Six desert heat. Six Asian zings. Give me some of that weft. Yeah. So, yeah.

Okay. I mean, yeah. It'll be an interesting thing to like think like, okay, what am I doing? And is it weird? What are you worried about? What are some things that you're worried about giving up besides wings? Oh, I mean, I hopefully, you know, the person that I choose to settle down with is in the wings. Also loves wings?

Yeah. That might be a deal breaker. I mean, I want to be in, you know, I want to be open-minded and I don't want to like shut myself off from a potentially fulfilling relationship, but you gotta love wangs. The next time you're on Tinder, just look for an owl, an orange owl. Yeah. Give that the thumbs up. Yeah. That's where the wings are.

I just, I mean, I don't want to leave it to that much chance. An owl, an orange owl, give that the thumbs up. That's where the wings are. I don't want to leave it to that much chance. I think if I decided to go back to dating apps. You just want to directly ask E-40 if he'll marry you. Yeah. Well, I was going to say if I do go back to dating apps, I would like to see the person with barbecue sauce on their face in their photo. And I want this to be the cover photo. I don't want to have to go deep into your photos. I don't want to have to see the one of you at the wedding.

You'd rather see barbecue sauce than buffalo sauce? Just some sort of wing sauce. With some dry rub on her face. Yeah, a little dry rub. Can I tell you something? Yeah. You know about the chicken ball restaurant down the street? Oh, yeah.

Ho-Ho Chicken? Mm-hmm. Ho-Ho Chicken. That's what's up. Mm-hmm. I fucked-hmm. Ho-Ho Chicken, that's what's up. Mm-hmm. I fucked up some curry chicken today. Ooh, that sounds nice.

Curry sauce on there was hella good. I have had many K-Town chicken balls in the past year. It's been a big year for chicken balls in this area.

Ho-Ho Chicken is what's up. I want my chicken fried. Is it fried? Oh, you know it's fried. Then we're down. Then we're good. It's fried and they, you know it's fried. Then we're good. It's fried and they got that curry sauce in there.

It would be funny if it was a grilled chicken ball. Like it was like some – You could get like a meatball chicken ball. No, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

If there's one thing I know about you guys, you're culinarily open-minded. You're right. That's one thing I know about Jordan and Jesse. Yeah. Food, yes. And the erotic potential of the prostate. Happy Analogous! And there's two things I know.

Yeah, that's right. We've been negligent. Speaking of the erotic potential of the prostate. Uh-huh. Stimulate the prostate. Happy Analogous. Stimulate the prostate. Happy Analogous, Travis.

Happy Analogous, Jesse. Happy Analogous, Christian. Thank you.. Stimulate the prostate. Happy analogous, Travis. Happy analogous, Jesse. Happy analogous, Christian. Thank you. Thank you for your enthusiasm. This is a great moment in every boy's life. Yeah. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be representing the analogous

committee at this event. This is a lovely parade. It came out of nowhere. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. I'm Hal Loveland. I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights,

Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes.

Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh yeah, dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast Dice and

Bites Dice and Bites La La La La La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. Travis McElroy, metropolitan drifter. Travis, let's run through your podcast real quick. Of course, you've got My Brother, My Brother and Me in the Adventure Zone. Yes. You're departing as producer of Can I Pet Your Dog? Yeah, but my stink's all over it. You've got to check it out.

It's a great show. No, it's Renee and Allegra do an amazing show that they have been kind enough to let me appear on for the last year. And now I am moving on to different projects. And I'm so excited to keep listening to the show, even though I'm not on it. I hope not new projects. What are some of your other continuing projects? Well, we've got Bunker Buddies. Bunker Buddies with Andy Bolt, where we talk about

the apocalypse and how to survive it. And we just changed the format of that to include some segments and changed the format of the interview segment, and it's so good. It's really good. Exciting format changes. Yeah. Andy Bolt, ton of fun. Real talented woman.

I also do Schmanners with my wife where we talk about etiquette in the modern world and how it still applies. And she's absolutely delightful. Your wife, Teresa, is not just delightful but also a classy lady unlike you. Oh, yeah. Did you hear my thing about wings earlier? She scats less. She scats way less. Let's see.

What else do I do? I do Trends Like These with my friend Brent, where we talk about what's trending on Facebook and Twitter and on the internet in general, and we go beyond the headlines to actually talk about the real story. And then Offmax Fun, my secret shame bastard

children, are in Tarabang with Travis and Tybee, where we talk about what's frustrating us in our personal lives and about the world. And that's very, gets real it gets raw um and uncensored again oh it's so it's real raw and uncensored yeah oh like those jerry springer vhs tapes very much so there might be a boob or the f word um and then till death do us blart the movie review show that my brothers and i and the guys from Worst Idea of All Time, Tim and Guy

we do it once a year this is a continuing podcast forever an indefinite podcast we watch and review Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 every American Thanksgiving and it will go on for the rest of linear time because we've committed that when we die

we will be replaced right now my replacement is Stuart Wellington from The Flophouse And it will go on for the rest of linear time because we've committed that when we die, we will be replaced. Right now, my replacement is Stuart Wellington from The Flophouse. Oh, good. So you plan to die first. Are you intimidated by his good looks? You know what? I'm not because he's very approachable.

He's a wonderful bar. And he's just a great guy. You know what? You almost forget how handsome he is because he's so funny and you don't expect that from handsome people. I know. People should go check out his bar Hinterlands in Brooklyn. Yes. And he does not want to replace me when I die, but it's too late. I've already named him as such. Unless my oncoming

spawn turns out to be super funny and then she'll have to do it. You watched Paul Blart Mall Cop or Paul Blart Mall Cop 2? Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. We have not seen Paul Blart Mall Cop 1. How do you feel about number two? You know what? I didn't hate it.

Yeah. I had 12. You know who loves it? Jimmy Pardo. My friend Jimmy Pardo loves Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. And, you know, I trust the man. He's a good man. Listen, you can go listen to our only episode so far.

We have one episode, episode two, coming in four months. But I had 11 cataloged laughs, and you can find out where they were and hear how mad Griffin gets as I describe them. When something momentous happens to you, like you're watching Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 and you start laughing, we hope that you'll call us

for our segment Momentous Occasions. Our number 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone right now. You're listening on your phone probably. If you're not listening on your phone, you're listening on headphones connected to your desktop computer at work. Pull out your phone. [phone]FUN.

Put it in there. Don't let the boss see. Don't get fired over this. Should we have one of those buttons that – you remember how computer games in the 80s had like a button you could press and it would bring up a fake spreadsheet oh i had dillbert's desktop games i know exactly what you're talking about should we are you still for its desktop games are just like just like one is where you post to a men's rights make a woman split the check with you one is why you get involved in an explanation of how Trump

is going to win. And why that matters. Yeah. I mean, is what you're suggesting here is that we record a kind of a dummy commentary or a dummy cast so that people can switch. Well, a new kind of dummy cast.

Right. It was this smarty cast we're doing. It's a the smarty cast we're doing. It's a real smarty cast. So people can click a button and if their boss says, give me one of those earbuds. Let me see what you're listening to. They can switch real quick. So we're like fourth quarter projections are down from the third quarter. And, of course, business is up in all sectors. And we hope to have this corrected by the end of the year.

Rates are lower this year and higher. Depends on who you ask. Spreadsheets. Everybody's at the bank. Peanut butter. Don't. No, don't. Come on.

We didn't think the boss would keep listening this long. Maybe they're in the peanut butter business. Hey, boss. Do you like to fuck? What are you learning? Fuck your employee. He's cool. Or she.

Let's go. I also think that women can be part of business. And even people who don't identify as one of those two genders because it's a spectrum. So fuck your employee. No questions asked. Now enjoy these wings. No drama. 420 friendly.

Mmm, peanut butter. Strings attached. Let's take our first call. Hello, this is Jessie. In Zurich I called a... Hold on. Eight months... Hold on.

I know a penguin in the pants when I hear one. I know that this is a penguin in the pants. You know how I can tell? She said she's your name. Yeah. But who am I? That's a good point. I was on board, but now that you've explained it to me, I also think this is full of shit.

35 years. That's how long I have been Jesse. Okay, I've got some experience. I know who's Jesse and who isn't. I'm Jesse. Others are not. You got it. Okay.

Like you're Jordan, for example. Yeah. Who am I? Couldn't tell you, but that's Christian. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's continue.

Let's play the rest of this lie. Go back to the beginning, Christian. In case people missed it. Don't take this out on Christian. In Zurich, I called eight months ago to say that I was losing my butthole, and now it is anal August and six months out of surgery was losing my butthole, and now it is anal August, and six months out of surgery from losing my butthole, and I am a happy, happy, healthy lady,

and I wanted to wish all of you guys a happy anal August. Pretty momentous. It is my first son's anus. Take good care, you guys, and I feel like a real proper summer boy. Orange skirts, no bum hole.. Take good care of you guys, and I feel like a real proper summer boy. We're in skirts, no bum hole, so take good care. Bye. I'm confused.

Did she have it replaced? Is this something that happened on our show before? Boy, I guess. It seems like we will remember this. Okay, I can't tell if the scenario was they were losing their butthole, and so they needed to go in and have it fixed. It's my favorite R.E.M. song,thole and so they needed to go in and have it fixed. It's my favorite R.E.M. song, by the way.

They needed to go in and have it fixed and now it's fixed and they have their butthole back and they couldn't be happier. Or they – They've had the butthole removed. They've had their butthole removed and they're not looking back. Huh. Well, I mean, listen, I think we're all baffled. And what does this have to do with Zurich, Switzerland? I don't think anything.

I think she said she was calling from Zurich, Switzerland. Oh. Well, I mean, it seems like a place you would go to get a cheap surgery. She doesn't sound like she's in the insurance industry. Yeah, get some nice socialized medicine up in there. Cuckoo clock. So, listen, madam, we were confused as to whether or not you have a butthole or you don't have a butthole. Yeah.

If you do, it's analogous. Does she now have a healthy butthole? I'm not finished speaking to her, Jesse. Okay. It's analogous. If you've got a butthole. Peanut butter. Jam something in there.

Okay. If you don't have one. Right. Analogous is, it's bigger than that. Right. don't have one. Right. The analogist is, it's bigger than that. Right. It's about possibility. Right. Exploration.

Sure. Something new. You got it. So if you can't cram something up there, I don't know, maybe take a class or something. Maybe learn to cook. Yeah. Yeah. French cooking.

Sure. German cooking. German cooking. Tex-Mex. Where you at? Alpine cooking. Uh. Yeah. French cooking. Sure. German cooking. Tex-Mex. Where you at? Alpine cooking. Uh-huh. Can I suggest something? Swiss cooking. Flugelhorn. Oh, yeah. That's a fun instrument. Or Alpenhorn.

That's that Ricola one. May I suggest something? Sure. If you don't have a butthole, maybe write a children's book. I'm just saying. That's great. It would be cool if you could get that published. You're don't have a butthole, maybe write a children's book. I'm just saying. That's great. It would be cool if you could get that published. You're going to have to get an agent. Well, you could self-publish.

I mean, and these e-books. Self-published children's book? Yeah. Come on. For kids with nooks. Kids love their nooks. Kids love those nooks. Okay.

Christian, let's play. Give a mouse a cookie. Play the next call. Give a love those nooks. Okay. Christian, let's play. Give a mouse a cookie. Play the next call. Give a child a nook. I don't even think, I really don't remember someone calling in to say they didn't have a butthole. Me either. And I don't want to be insensitive because clearly she was sharing something with us. They were losing their butthole?

I'm just glad that they're happy. That's what matters to me. It sounds like everything's gone well one way or the other. I mean, she did sound like she was in a good place. Is it possible that she thinks we're Dan Savage? Oh, yeah. Well, we are GGG. Is this not Dan Savage?

Oh, sorry, buddy. We tricked you. We tricked you. This is a much less popular show. And we're dramatically less handsome than that. Sure. And worse than this. Yeah.

show. And we're dramatically less handsome than that. Sure. And worse than this. Yeah. So one, two, three strikes you're out at the old pod game. We still have your consolation prizes, these peanuts and Cracker Jacks, though. Thank you.

Okay, let's take this next call. Hi, this is Jess and Zarek again. I'm calling to clarify. The one message that I just mentioned is that it is my first anal august without an anus. Just to be clear, I have an

ostomy. It's not as if I'm just drowning in my own waste. I'm a new badass ostomate and life is a thousand times better without all my sick guts in me. So, that's the clarification. And get him, get him, get him. Wait, what does she have now? Life is a thousand times better without all my sick guts and me. So that's the parapetition. And get him, get him, get him.

Wait, what does she have now? A colostomy. Okay. Yeah. I would like to say I'm very proud of us. It didn't occur to me once to worry about a waist issue. I don't think that came up in the previous conversation at all. I'm proud of this person. Me too.

Me too. She may have stolen my name. Mm-hmm. And she may have ruined the neutrality of the great country of Switzerland. Yeah, they're going to war. Yeah. Finally. Yeah.

I'm proud of her and her evacuation. Mm-hmm. Me too. I'm proud of her optimistic... Listen. Hear, hear. There's too much shit in this world now to worry about your own shit. Yeah.

Thanks. I like this. I like this person who's like, you know what? I feel great. This is life now. This is a spirit. And I'm going to live every day of it. This is what made America and Switzerland great.

And I think we can make them great again. Yeah. I'd like to tell you guys about a visionary leader. Oh, I can't wait to hear about this person. He loves to blaze the gong. His name is Minkus. Minkus 2016. Minkus 2016.

Minkus Scatman 2016. That's the ticket I'm voting for. Can we get, who out there in our audience is making the campaign sign that says, Minkus 2016, two in the Minkus, one in this Dinkus. Don't forget his running mate, Scatman. Okay, we have one more call. Okay. We have one more call. Congratulations.

Congratulations, Jess. I, we're, we're all very proud of your remarkable accomplishment and we're so happy with what a socialized medicine can achieve. Hi, Jordan,

Jesse. It's Jay from Seattle. Called him in the past and got mocked, but this is a real momentous occasion. Hold on. Hold on. We would never mock someone who called in with a momentous occasion. We celebrate momentous occasions.

Of course. We love this stuff. We love this stuff. Where's the and guest? Where's the and guest? I'm here. You're here. Do you even love this stuff? Listen, I like. No do you even love this stuff listen i'm i'm i like i like no you gotta love this travis check this out okay my name is jesse thorn uh-huh i love this stuff

let me try my name is travis i like i like this no travis god damn it no okay what do i need for fuck's sake travis let me give it another. I'm so sick of this shit from you! Please, coach, let me try again. Fuck you, Travis! Okay. Get the fuck out of my fucking studio! I love this stuff! Hey there!

Fucking whiplash! This is whiplash! Travis, I love this stuff! I love this stuff! I love this stuff! Jesse just whiplashed me. It worked? It happened?

Y'all saw it. You're my J.K. Simmons. Yeah. You're J.K. Simmons, but you're not weirdly jacked. What were we doing, Christian? Podcasting. Are you rolling? Yeah.

Are we ready to start? Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Go back to the beginning, please. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. It's Jay from Seattle. Called him in the past and got mocked, but this is a real momentous occasion.

My partner had a code blue, meaning she couldn't breathe. She was intubated in a medically induced coma, and today she woke up just fine. Thanks, guys. Have a nice day. Hey. That's amazing. There you go. That's why we love this stuff

We love this stuff That's incredible I love this stuff That's like legit Yeah I mean Two medical miracles today on the show I

I don't want to ruin the mood I am going to throw this out there It's too bad she didn't Or he or she didn't Come out of the coma with powers Well I don't know That's one in five You know what I mean It's too bad she didn't or he or she didn't come out of the coma with powers. Well, I don't know. That's one in five.

You know what I mean? You can't expect that every time. Yeah, but odds are against coming out with powers. Okay. I'm just saying. It's a miracle. I'm glad that love has triumphed. But powers would have been good. Powers are nice.

They're nice. How are you going to form a suicide squad if you ain't got no powies? You got to get some powies. Get some powies. Get yourself a dead shot. And you got to make sure everybody's got different powies. Form a suicide squad. Oh, yeah.

Don't want to have two guys with the same powies. No. No. Can you imagine? Oh, what a boring suicide squad. What if three guys showed up and they're like, I can make holes in stuff. Like, I can make holes in stuff. Excuse me, boys.

Can I join your squad? What's your pow-y? I've got pow-pow. What's your pow-pow? My pow-pow is strong smell. You're in. Yeah. Listen, if you got two whole guys.

Hello. Get out of this suicide squad. I have a strong smell. Is Suicide Squad a remake of Mystery Men? Get yourself into an Alpha flight. Get yourself into a Defenders. Hello. I've got powers, and I'm from Canada.

Yeah. Now, you're definitely want to join the Alpha flight. Oh, wow. They'll love my strong smell. They probably will. Cool powies. That character is called Baby Made a Boober. Little booby.

Yeah, little booby. I believe that character is from the Golden Age. Am I right? Yeah, that's a Golden Age character. Absolutely. If you have a momentous occasion for us the phone number 206-9844-FUN we're not gonna make fun of you we love this stuff we love this stuff we love this stuff we love this stuff we'll be back in just a second on

jordan jason La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, A couple quick things before we wrap this thing up. I'm headed to the East Coast with Judge John Hodgman. We're going to be all up and down the Northeast, and then we're also going to be in London, England. Ooh. Continental. We got Bullseye, International Waters, Beef and Dairy Network, and Judge John Hodgman all at the London Podcast Festival. So if you live in London or you know someone who does, the queen of England. Big fan. Kate Middleton.

She listens sometimes. I would like you to come to the show. It's going to be a lot of fun. That's thing number one. Thing number two is this. I think that this, if I'm counting my days correctly, which I am probably not, I think this is coming out just before our friend Donna competes in the Olympics. She represents the great nation of Canada in the modern Pentathlon.

She is actually an original member, unless this has been retconned, original member of Alpha Flight. Yeah, her and Sasquatch. That's correct, right? So I hope that all Jordan Jesse Go listeners, lots of Jordan Jesse Go listeners have supported Donna's efforts to make it to the Games. There's not a lot of money in modern pentathlon, obviously, but

support her efforts to make it to Rio and to train for the Olympics, something we're really proud to have been a tiny part of. And so we wish Donna the best. And, you know, we know Donna is out there representing the other podcast that I'm sure she likes more. Because they have their logos sewed into her uniform outfit? Yeah.

Whatever. Whatever sports people are wearing? Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Whatever sports people wear. Yeah, whatever. No, we want to wish Donna luck, and I hope everybody's going to watch Donna on C-SPAN or whatever the fuck channel carries modern pentathlon. Bravo at 2 a.m. Bravo at 2 a.m.

Man, what a great and amazing hero. I think you probably watch it on your NBC app. Yeah, get yourself that NBC app. Get yourself the NBC app. And you know what? While you're getting apps, can I recommend fried mozzarella sticks? Ooh, yum, yum. Mmm.

Get some nice sauces. Get yourself some blue cheese. Get some dips. That actually would not be bad. I know it sounds a little bit gross, but I'd dunk a mot stick in some blue cheese. I'd dunk any fucking thing in blue cheese. That's why it's the king of dips. More than ranch?

Sorry. We'll talk about this off air. Sorry. This has been addressed. Yeah. Ranch is a universal dip. I'm just saying. Are you thinking of type O negative blood?

That's it. Universal donor. Bone marrow is the universal dip. No. Okay. You're weirded out. Anyway. is the universal dip. Yeah. No, okay, you're weirded out. Anyway, kill him in Rio. Ranch is some nice dip.

Could use chunks. Have some mozzarella sticks on us. Yeah, some of those famous Brazilian mozzarella sticks. It's mozzarella sticks without any pussy hair. I love this stuff. I love this stuff. I love this stuff I love this stuff I love this stuff I love this stuff I love this stuff

didn't see it coming Christian Duenas on the boards this week our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez all the way in London, England

Travis McElroy's been our guest he already listed all his fucking podcasts. Yep. I hope so. Do you? Do it.

How about this? Don't listen to his podcast. Just listen to Liz Gilbert's new podcast, Magic Lessons. That is actually, that's great advice. That's a good plug, right? You should do that. We can't go through that whole list, so let's just say listen to Magic Lessons. She's way better at everything than I am, and her voice is so pleasant, and she's really great.

And you know what? You may think you've subscribed, but there's a whole new series that you need to subscribe to so go on iTunes go listen to Magic Lessons and you know what someone should support Liz Gilbert she needs me in her corner I realize that she doesn't have any powerful friends so I'll be the one support Liz Gilbert

thank you so much Travis thank you so so much can I tell you that the first time I listened to Magic Lessons I legit got mad because she was better at hosting something than me. That's how I felt when I read Eat, Pray, Love. Fucking Liz Gilbert. Stick to books, lady. You're better eating, praying, and loving than I am.

But not scatting. No, that's mine. Nobody's better at scatting. Stay out of the scat arena. Nobody's better at scatting. Yeah. I will have a scat off With Liz Gilbert Anytime

Anywhere Oh boy That might happen on a future episode Of Jordan Jesse Go Yeah Scat off She's got a paperback to promote What better way

To Scat with some guy To appear on this On a podcast No one listens to Okay We'll talk to you next Oh

Maximumfun.reddit.com the Facebook group. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. That's the Maximum Fun Facebook group. It's a great place to chat about this kind of stuff. And above all else, we love you. Romantically. Yeah.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.