Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 442: The Scorch Trials with Hal Lublin

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

Hal Lublin joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what JJGo's logline should be, Jesse's reaction to dropping Simon off at Kindergarten, and the best sequel subtitles. Plus, the guys do another round of Patrick Warburton impressions.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How do you like this for a... You know what a logline is, Jordan? You're from show business. Sure, this is a kind of a short, kind of punchy, you know, sentence or two sentences that kind of describes the project. I mean, I think, you know, people might also know it as an elevator pitch.

Yeah. If you're in an elevator with a big executive, you know, you got their ear for, you know, a minute, 90 seconds. How are you going to wow them, you know, in a short amount of time? A log line. So, you know. You got a log line. So, you know, you've got a log line. I was driving my station wagon earlier today. Has the log line started? Because I love it already.

I haven't even mentioned the spoiler. Sure. On my station wagon. Right. You don't want to put spoilers in the log line. No. Yeah. No.

So I was driving my station wagon. Spoiler alert, Kristen Bell is an angel. Thinking. What? I've got a Kristen Bell angel project set up at Paramount, by the way. I'm just trying to create some buzz for it. I was driving my station wagon. I was thinking about what would be a good log line for Jordan Jesse Go.

Okay. Because, yeah, I mean, I think we want to take this project to a variety of different platforms at some time. You know, TV, movies. But also I think. CISOs, go 90s, crackles. You know, like if you think about what are the successful shows out there. You know, think of our friends Josh and Chuck who do stuff you should know. Yeah.

Like, they explain things that you should know about. Mm-hmm. It's like, that's what you get from that show. I love it already. I'll take 10. Exactly. You love doing things. Yeah.

It helps you feel superior in social gatherings. I was an executive in that situation when I said, I'll take 10. situation when i said i'll take 10 so uh uh jordan jesse go though when we started this show 10 years ago we didn't really think it through and we have not thought it through since then no secondarily secondary issue so both we didn't brainstormed names for a few days and that is where that is where the planning for this program stopped. And I'm happy. When we landed on Jordan, Jesse, go, that was it. And so my worry is that because we did not think it through in advance, and because over the last 10 years we have not thought anything through, including major life decisions.

Sure. I just bought that boat, and that fucking ruined me. Yeah, that is a money pit. I could have told you that. You don't need an accountant to tell you that a boat's a money pit. Yeah. I just didn't think it through. Yeah.

So my worry is that listeners who come to Jordan Jesse Go won't know what it is. So that's why I was thinking we need a log line. The best I could come up with was 90 minutes you probably won't regret. Oh, I like that. That's a good amount of time. Right? Sometimes it's 75, 70, 75. Yeah.

90-ish minutes you probably won't regret. In the end, you find out Kristen Bell was an angel. What about? won't regret in the end you find out kristin bell was an angel what about uh and i mean a literal angel like one of god's servants not a you know charming woman which she is but in this case she'll be playing an angel which is something you find out at the end you don't find out till the end that she was literally an angel so the whole time it's like a docudrama you think it's just the story of kristin bell her beautiful children, and her handsome and talented husband, Dax Shepard. It's kind of more of a sniper thing.

Okay, so they're in Syria. They're in Aleppo. Yeah. They're in... It's kind of like a globetrotter. Whenever somebody needs a sharpshooter, Kristen Bell is there. Okay, got it. So she's a sharpshooter on the Harlem Globetrotters.

She's traveling from city to city, sniping away from the corner. Yeah, really hitting one of the Washington generals right in the brainstem and paralyzing him. You've read my treatment clearly. Yeah. Because you seem to know this project inside and out. Yeah. Boom, right in the brainstem. I don't know. Right in the brain stem. I guess my question is this, Jordan, and this is sort of an existential question.

Oh, good. Why would anyone listen to this show? Well, to find out who Kristen Bell really is. Right. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. She sat in that chair that you're sitting in.

Yeah. I mean, I think that's where kind of I get a lot of this inspiration is I sit in her chair. I think about – you know, she's done a lot of cool projects lately. Bad Moms, the Veronica Mars movie, Smart Fridge commercials. What's next? And, you know, I've been thinking about that a lot. I mean, usually when you're talking, I'm thinking about what's next for Kristen Bell. Right. So, you know. So you actually – about that a lot. I mean, usually when you're talking, I'm thinking about what's next for Kristen Bell. Right.

So if, you know. So you actually, because I probably talk too much on this show. Yeah, I mean, I think I seem, you know, if I seem a little, like, tuned out or, you know, if I, like, say something that's unrelated to what you just said, it's because I'm, you know, considering the long game for Kristen Bell, who I, you know, really want to work with. Okay. bell who i you know really want to work with okay and i think what i came up with while i was sitting in this chair that she sat in uh is i think she needs a project where we see her you know in a variety of perches bell towers trees you know high places with a sniper rifle, destroying brain stems, paralyzing her victims. And at the end, you find out that she was so good at shooting because she was an angel. I'm sorry.

Can you say that again? I was thinking about Ralph Fiennes. Oh. No, I would rather hear about what your long game is for Ralph Fiennes. Where do you see? I mean, you know, he's done a lot of great stuff. The English patient, I think.

Also, he was Voldemort. Teaching a lot of people how to pronounce the name Ralph. All kinds of people. So do you see that kind of pronunciation thing working out for him? Is that kind of where you see him? Is that kind of pronunciation thing working out for him? Is that kind of where you see him is just kind of walking around to people who are saying aluminum? And then he's like, aha, excuse me, it's aluminum.

I'm Rafe. Then he shoots a corner tray. He's going to be the first white trotter. Oh, I like that. I call him the golden boy. Globetrotter. Oh, I like that. I call him the golden boy.

Oh, so are you suggesting that our two projects both exist in a larger Harlem Globetrotter shared universe? Yeah, along with the characters from Scooby-Doo. Oh, wow. This is a fun canvas to paint on. Yeah. Don Knotts also is there. He can show up at any minute to help them take down the carnival phantom. I think the fact that the Harlem Globetrotters appeared on Scooby-Doo really broadens the palate of the Trotterverse.

Yeah. Because, you know, then, oh, look, the Jackson 5 are involved. Sure. Oh, now Janet Jackson's involved because she was in that video with Michael. Mm-hmm. sure oh now janet jackson's involved because she was in that one that video with michael yeah well if janet jackson is involved well then we could uh we could write a storyline for germaine dupree if we can write a storyline for germaine germaine dupree well i'll tell you what crisscross can't be far behind then a talking Sprite. You talking about the S to the P-R-I-T-E can? Boy, yeah.

This is a pretty, I mean, this is a huge. Hal, it's a lifesaver when you need thirst quenching. It's like a kiss with a lime and twist. Now you know that's kicking. Word? Word. Drink up is what you got to do. Why? Because I like to Spriten you.

Our guest, by the way, Hal Loveland. You know him from the Maximum Fun podcast, We Got This, which he was just recording in here with his co-host, Mark Gagliardi. He's known popularly as Gags. True. looking like a character from a film, like a bike messenger character from a film made in 1994 but set in 2004. See, and I thought he looked like an extra from MASH. So we have different takes. It's the hat.

Honestly, neither of your descriptions helped me picture this thing. Okay, so Mark was wearing tight cutoffs, jean cutoffs, but they were long. They went down to the knee. Tight but long. Short, long cutoffs. Long shorts. Long, short jeans. But not tight.

Not board shorts. Board shorts are loose. No, these were tight. And he was wearing like electric green sneakers just like a mesh yeah he was wearing an army hat that was where i got them which is how you got the mash yeah um and then he was wearing a t-shirt a colored t-shirt tucked into his jorts with a second shirt on over it that had a couple buttons at the bottom done up, but mostly was open to show off his pecs and the necklace he was wearing.

Yeah, that's my boy. I was struck by this ensemble. This does seem like 80s, 90s, near future to me. Yeah. I like that. I like that description. Thank you. And then he takes a swig out of like a cylinder of Pepsi.

A label out cylinder of Pepsi. He just touches it to his neck and the liquid passes through. He absorbs the flavor ions. Yeah, that's how we'll drink in the future. Everybody knows. Hal, here's my question for you. In the year 2005. Hal, you host We Got This.

I do. This is a show with a very clear log line. It's two guys answer life's big questions. Settle the ultimate rivalries. Coke versus Pepsi, et cetera. Cylinder of Coke or a bottle of Coke. Okay? Yeah.

You host tights and fights. Yes. Along. You host Tights and Fights. Yes. Alongside Daniel Radford and Open Mike Eagle. I do. Tights and Fights. All the latest news and the greatest memories of professional wrestling. Those are two clear podcasts. Clearly, you know what you're doing.

What are we doing with our lives? Jordan and I. I mean, in a larger perspective, you need to think of yourself as a brand. As a brand. But also like your two Kristen Bells. And every brain stem is a goal you're trying to achieve. Oh.

So I want you to climb up high. Yeah. Get up in that watchtower or on the back of the glass. Book depository. Yeah. The book depository. Classic sniper position. Is a book depository. We're talking classic sniper positions.

Is a book depository. Give us a call. That number, that number, 800-FREE-FM-3. What's your classic sniper position? Hi, this is Phil from Omaha. Hey, Phil, we're talking about sniping. I've got to go church bell tower. Yeah, that's a great one.

I'm giving you a applause. A-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-pl-plause. All right, go Celtics. Yeah, I'm calling my favorite place to shoot people. What's your name? Where are you calling from, buddy? My name is Percy. I'm calling from the sewer where I live. Thanks for calling Free FM, Percy.

Our topic on the table right now is classic sniper positions. I like to just find a tall, wiry guy and stand on his shoulders. I'll hang up and listen to your response. Okay, Percy, I'm worried you're an actual sniper. We're taking calls. Free FM 1-800-FREE-FM-2. Free FM 2. There you go.

Wait, what were you saying? Sir Pal? Classic sketch. Classic sketch. Oh, guys, you remember? Five-time sniper enthusiasts. You remember that Monty Python free FM sketch? Yeah.

It was so great. Terry Jones, right? They were masters. They were masters. I'm just glad that somebody has punctuated a podcast by doing a commercial radio voice. Just glad that someone has come up with that premise 10 years in. Now some opinions on Game of Thrones. Hotter.

Yeah. Guys, who wants to talk about the Grove? It's a mall here in Los Angeles. Okay, Hal, you were saying,

sorry. I was saying, you want to be Kristen Bells. Mm-hmm. Couple of bells. Get up somewhere high, scamper up there.

Sure. Yeah. And every goal is like a brainstem that she's shot to paralyze someone, except instead of stopping something from working, like the central nervous system, you're making your dreams work. Okay. So I'm shooting my dreams. In the neck, the base of the neck. Just exploding their brainstems.

Yeah. And as they crumple to the ground and say, I feel nothing. Like so many video game popes. Well, the popes from the Assassin's Creed franchise, anyway. It's about killing popes. Yeah. Somehow that's okay. See, I remember it being about climbing around on roofs.

There you go. With the ultimate goal of shanking the pope. How many popes can you shank? Who's your favorite pope to shank? Hey, we got Pope Shanks coming up on Free FM. You want to shank a pope? Dial Free FM 3. Flush him, Frank.

Power Pope Block. The Power Pope Block. Coming up, we got Pius V. Then Sidney Lauper. Surprise him in his quarters and shank him in the ribs. What is the premise of this fake radio show? You name a pope and say how you want to kill him and then you play a hit from the 80s? The licensing was so expensive.

Yeah. But worth it, ultimately. Yeah. When you hear Mr. Mister. Yeah, when that. While you're sticking it to a Pope's brain stem with a pencil. Yeah. It's nothing better.

Well, I probably used my hidden sleeve blades. You have hidden sleeve blades? Me personally? Maybe that's the log line of our show. Oh, the only podcast where the two hosts have hidden sleeve blades. One of the two hosts, because I don't have hidden sleeve blades. Oh, yeah. We should probably keep it a surprise as to which one of us has the hidden sleeve blades,

and the guest definitely does not have them. Well, the good news is no one listens to this show, so they won't know from the last three minutes of conversation which one of us has the sleeve blades. Yeah. We can spring it on them, just like those sleeve blades. Yeah. Ka-chunk. Out the window.

Into some hay or something. You're listening to Jordan Jesse Go, 90 minutes you might not want back. Back, back, back, back, back. We'll be back in just a second on I'm Jordan Jesse. Go. I'm Travis. And I'm Andy. And we host Bunker Buddies, a comedy apocalypse podcast every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org. We've got a brand new format for our podcast that we hope you want to come and check out.

We try out products for your go bag. We'll try out cheddar larva and cricket bars so you don't have to. We play Would You Rather and answer questions from the audience. And we have great guests that pop into the bunker. It's everything you love about the show and more. Come check it out every Wednesday here on MaximumFun.org.

Stay safe out there. There's always hope and cheesecake. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore is boy detective. Al Lublin, hidden sleeve blade.

You're like the human personification of a hidden sleeve blade. Yeah, you never know I'm there until you're already sad. Sorry, your majesty. Your holiness. Sorry, Your Majesty. Your Holiness. Your Holy Ness. Sorry I shaked you, Your Holiness. They are majestic. It's true. Some popes have an impressive wingspan.

As they soar around the Vatican like a condor. Former Golden State Warrior small forward Donyell Marshall. Legendary wingspan. Yeah, yeah. Was he a pope? I think he was briefly. I think that's Pope Pontius. Oh, okay.

I mean, I'm not Catholic, so. Yeah. All this stuff is a little. I get most of my information about the Catholic Church from Assassin's Creed games. Okay. Well, I get most of mine from Dan Brown novels, so. I think we should be able to piece it together. Yeah, I get all of mine from Dan Brown novels, so I think we should be able to piece it together. Yeah, I get all of mine from the two of you.

I think between the three of us, we should be able to have a respectful discussion about Catholicism. Give us a call, folks. We're playing Pope Telephone here on Free FM. You tell us something about the Pope. We'll try to remember what you said and repeat it to our audience. Hey, how are you doing, buddy? I'm doing really well. How's this wrestling show going? It's really fun. Those are two fun guys.

Yeah. By two fun guys, I mean one fun guy and one fun lady. Yes, they're amazing. They're great. We have fun. We laugh. I get angry. What's the best?

What's a top wrestler? What's a top wrestler? What's a top wrestler? The top wrestler. He's big man wrestles, muscle man. What's your favorite wrestler, Jordan? Well, at the height of my wrestling interest. I'm going to say 1989. Yeah, that's about right.

That's about right. I like a Jake the Snake Roberts. I like a Brutus the Barber Beefcake. I like a Someone the Something. You want them to have a V in the middle. I would love for them to have a V in the middle, yes. So, yeah, I think those are my faves. And if we're talking about pro wrestling for the NES, definitely Starman.

Oh, of course Starman. Big ups to Starman. And, hey, why not? A little shout out to the Amazon. Some sort of fish man. Who was for some reason allowed to wrestle at a human wrestling league. It was the only way to win his freedom.

He's fighting for freedom. So he can return to the seas from whence he came. My family, I miss them. One more match. One more match. I will return to them. One day I will spawn. Did you guys play pro wrestling for the NES?

No, I mostly played Baseball Stars. You were a pro wrestling man? I did. I was a bases loaded guy for baseball. I know. I know. Beef. But pro wrestling, yeah, of course.

I've got Brutus the Barber beefcake with your choice of NES baseball game. Who is your pro wrestling go-to? Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. This is real or the pro wrestling for the NES? Yes, for the NES. Not the real people I control with my mind.

Go ahead. You liked the guy. King Khan. You know what? You're going to be surprised. You're wrong. I was a Starman person as well. Well, you got that flip kick.

Yeah. I mean, Starman was awesome. Jesse, in pro wrestling, when Starman did the flip kick, the crowd went wild. Bananas. Really? Yeah. Was that like his special move? Oh, yeah.

How special was it? I mean, only he had it. That wasn't the setup to a pre-planned joke, by the way. How special was it? It was so special it came with a potato and choice of vegetable. Oh, this and three other cassettes of Wrestling James. Available. What's your favorite Wrestling James?

Give us a call at 1-800-WRESTLEJADE. W-w-w-w-wrestlejade. So, yeah, when Starman did a special move, down and B? I think so. What do you think, down and B? Yeah, I'll go down and B. Why not? Down and B, you did a flip kick, and the crowd went, which is how crowds went wild on the NES.

That's a good impression. It's pretty good. Do you do a lot of other video game NES. That's a good impression. It's pretty good. Do you do a lot of other video game impressions? That's the only one. Oh, I also do Kirby sucking someone in. Let's hear it. Fwee! Guys, the only Nintendo Entertainment System impression that I can do

is when somebody hits a home run on Baseball Stars, it goes... The pitcher holds his head and then goes... and pounds the ground in a two-frame animation. A flat...

A closed fist, open fist. Closed fist, open fist as he pounds the pitcher's mound. And the batter pumps his fist. It's pretty good. That's the victory. Hal, do you do any NES impressions? We'll also accept an SNES impression.

I'm going to go back further. You won't accept one? No. Master system. What about... Yes. Will you accept an Atari 2600 impression? I'm cool with that.

Jesse? It won't mean anything to me because of generational reasons. Okay. Fair enough. Kids, gather around. I want you to imagine you're playing basketball for the Atari. Just so you know, this show's for millennials, not Generation X, but go ahead. It's hip again.

It's fine. Okay. Got it. It's retro. Here we go. This is it. Boop. And that was an entire game.

Or if you tried to steal the ball, it would become... That's pretty solid. That's pretty good. You can tell why that guy became a professional voice actor. I'm the Michael Winslow of the Atari. God, your efforts must be spectacular. Oh, they're so bad.

When you bring efforts to the table, we've talked about efforts before on this show. Well, yes. Efforts are a fave topic of ours, the kind of grunting and groaning that goes with doing video game voiceover. I think Rob Corddry introduced them to us. I didn't know you did voiceover stuff. Yes, yes I do. What are some of your fave projects? Anything I might have seen or played or heard?

Sure. Are you familiar with the Venture Brothers? Yes. I was the main villain this last season. Oh, I didn't watch last season, but I'm sure you were great. Well, I'm going to leave. Bye. Oh, it's locked.

Never mind. Who was the... Nope, I opened it. Can you describe this villain? I do like that show and hope to catch up. He's sort of like – the show moves to New York in season six and he's sort of like a big kingpin type guy except he's part whale. Oh, okay. This sounds familiar.

I might have seen one or two of these. I think – yeah, maybe you saw maybe earlier this year. There were pictures sort of going around. Okay. Yeah. I like that show a lot and actually interviewing Jackson Public, one of pictures sort of going around. Okay. Yeah. I like that show a lot. And actually interviewing Jackson Public, one of the creators of the program, years ago was a really wonderful experience. He's an amazing guy and has very deep emotionally resonant connections to that material. When I watch The Venture Brothers,

I feel like I am only getting 10% of the jokes and I'm completely like, like I feel like it is, it's like when I am just naming the names of baseball players from 1987 and to me it's very funny and Jordan can understand that some of them have funny names, but it's pretty meaningless to him.

And by Jordan, I mean everyone listening. I'm with you. I'd love to hear some baseball players from 1987. Look, I'm not here to talk about Ken Obergefell. Or Damon Berryhill. Damon Berryhill! He was a catcher for the Cubs, folks. Yeah.

Wood panel cards. A 1987 Tops. I'm not here to talk about that, though. We're here to talk about the fact that I enjoy watching the Venture Brothers, but I do feel like there is a second and third layer which is not available to me. It could be. not available to me. It could be. I think the more people watch, the more stuff people watch and ingest

pop culture, especially like comics and stuff, the more there is to get. I watch it and love it, and I don't think I get most of it. But I'm like, I get that there's hilarious stuff happening, but I also know if I read more comics, or read more in general, I probably would get more of it.

It's more about me being dumb. There's a lot of allusions to 19th century American literature. Yeah. I stopped after the 17th century. A lot of Henry James material. That was when I stopped. Yeah. 17th century American literature. So you're really only into pilgrim shit.

Yeah. It's not shit, man. It's really great. So you mainly read like sermons. Yeah. Like sermons about what will happen in hell to a disloyal wife. Oh, it's so great. And how-tos for shoe buckling.

Yes. A lot of people think it's about the metal. It's about the leather. A lot of people don't know that. That's what gets lost with all you kids that are reading all the new stuff. Sure. We don't understand the finer points of shoe buckling. Yeah.

By the way, it's only a matter of time before we see little goobers walking around your Silver Lake and your Brooklyn with buckly shoes, right? When's that happening? Hey, there was a big buckle shoe revival three, four years ago. Oh, was there? Did I miss it? Did I miss it entirely? You missed the great monk ago. Oh, was there? Did I miss it? Did I miss it entirely? You missed the great monk strap extravaganza that was 2009 through 2013.

Oh, boy. Three, four. Shut the door on that. I'm not just talking about single monk straps, Jordan. I'm talking about double monks. In some cases, the frankly absurd and novelty-oriented triple monk strap. Oh, my gosh. Get out of here.

I was just at the Saks Off Fifth, the Saks department store discount store, which is garbage, by the way. If you're wondering what's going on in there, it's a garbage store. on in there it's a garbage store and uh yeah there was a few like leftover double monk strap ankle boots which is just like some shit that they just combined together i'm picturing a guy wearing those with a pair of jorts and a aloha shirt cut off so you could see his belly wow why are you describing markagliardi earlier today? Is that the Gagliardi look? Look, he likes to go shop at stores that look like a rich store was looted.

It's very exciting for him. Because you feel rich. In a way. But I would like to see a return of a full kind of pilgrim-y look. In the same way that that kind of Dust Bowl look came back. Oh, yeah, sure. You know, that kind of like single strap overall.

Mm-hmm. You know. Yeah, floppy hat. Yeah. Oh, so you want to, I mean, do you want to see women become more modest? You know how I feel about modesty, Jordan. You want adulteresses to be properly labeled. Yeah.

Yeah. Please light me on fire. That would be the label I would put on an adulteresses to be properly labeled. Yeah. Please light me on fire. That would be the label I would put on an adulteress. And for life expectancy to drop back down to like 17, 18 tops. Yeah, we can't figure out how to keep the corn alive and we killed all the Indians. Thank you. We called it maize. I call them Native Americans.

Well, I can call us maize maze you can't call us that's not okay now can can frankie beverly call his band maze yes whatever he can call his band whatever he wants we worked out a deal he prefers maze featuring frankie beverly he's very modest i was shining rain i was was pawing through the HBO Go the other day. Pond to river or pond to bank? What? Oh, pawing. I was pawing through. Okay.

Yeah, like pawing through, you know, that kind of what you do when you- Christian is so mad at me right now. He's just ashamed that I'm his employer. Now he's just ashamed that I'm his employer. I'm talking about that kind of aimless scrolling you do through a streaming service. Sure. You're not like sure how much time you have. You maybe want to watch something.

To live? Yeah, to live. You're like. Sweating. Yeah. You're like, I only have so many, so many years on this earth. Do I need to rewatch Jurassic world? By the way, I thought of a great log line just now. Okay.

Your suggestion, your combined efforts. How about this? Jordan, Jesse go. Death comes for us all. Oh, I like that. Yeah. It's a show that reminds us that death comes for us all. Everything's futile.

It means nothing. Yeah. We're all just destined's futile. It means nothing. Yeah. We're all just destined for the ground. I like that. So you might as well just listen to Three Assholes Prattle. Sure. That's another great lock line. Yeah.

You might as well listen to Three Assholes Prattle. Look great on a shirt. How about Prattle slash Remember Nintendo? Hey, Nintendo, right? We all have one. Honeycomb hideout. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

Sure. And Hal, something that I like a lot is movies that don't, like sequels that don't have a number or have a number but also have a ridiculous subtitle. Mm-hmm. Mission Impossible, Ghost Recon. No, that's a Call of Duty game. Ghost Protocol. Ghost Protocol. Blair Witch 2, Book of Shadows.

Right. These types of things. Sure. I saw one that I really, really liked, and I think might be the best sequel subtitle of all time. Okay. Better even than the highly lauded Secret of the ooze okay which i think had the title for a while better than the classic electric boogaloo yeah i mean you know electric

boogaloo is great it got fucked out at a certain point of course but for a reason because it was so great. Yeah. Maze Runner colon The Scorch Trials. The Scorch Trials. It's terrific. It's so meaningless. Oh, that's how we dealt with witches back in the 17th century. Oh, we put them through The Scorch Trials. Yeah. I mean, we just burned them, but we had to have a good name.

Yeah. Marketing. Yeah. Marketing. Unless you had to decide who had pole position in the burning. Mm-hmm. And you go through a scorch trial first. You did not want to be the pace car. No, no, sir. You did not.

No, sir. Not unless you had one of those asbestos suits. Yeah. And even that might cause cancer. It's true. Because it's just a bespoke suit. Yeah. We're talking about log lines do we want

to hop on some of that heat pun intended and call the you know and have the have the and have one that's about bunnies well it's gonna be for the mission statement of this show to be jordan jesse go a real podcast scorch trial i mean that's a what i like about that one is that it's a baffler. Yeah. Yeah. If you don't know this world, it is not inviting you in in any way. Well, I mean, if you don't know – although, to be fair, I think, we're talking about our target audience. You would say millennials, right?

Sure. Certainly. Well, I mean, more specifically, influencers. Right. Early adopters. Millennial influencers and early adopters. Sure. Not oldsters.

Not old slacker Gen Xers like Hal Lublin. Yeah. With his Atari basketball. I had the whole world, man. I'll tell you. It's gone. God, 1995 must have been

amazing for you. Oh, it was on top of the world. Oh. Boys to men. Yeah, and so much sex with Winona Ryder. Jodeci. Winona Ryder and I were hot and heavy.

Still looks good. Yeah, Casper we thought was going to be good. It was a very exciting time for us. A lot of hope. We had Casper the friendly ghost. It was like, finally, the Harvey comics are going to have their day. Casper the friendly ghost. Because, you know, look, I wanted...

I don't think you speak for Generation X on this issue. Oh, believe me. Official spokesperson here. Not only – we wanted Casper to be good so that the little Lotta movie was good. What was your prediction regarding the Beverly Hillbillies movie? Oh, that was going to be solid gold. Yeah, see, I don't know if that was – I don't know if everyone agreed that – how did you feel about Beethoven's second? Oh, my goodness. There was so much unresolved after the first Beethoven.

Right? Yeah. I don't know if you really – I'm going to look to maybe an Ethan Hawke to speak for Generation X before I'm looking to Hal Lublin. Fine. Do whatever you want. He's going to tell you the same thing I just did. Christian, get Ethan on the line. Hey, this is Ethan Hawke.

Oh, Mr. Hawke is in the studio with us. Yeah, I'm here on the phone but in the other part on the line. Hey, this is Ethan Hawk. Oh, Mr. Hawk is in the studio with us. Yeah, I'm here on the phone, but in the other part of the studio. Oh, good. That's weird. Ethan, did you call in earlier as an assassin who liked to get on a larger guy's shoulders? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to come visit my sewer this weekend? We're having a party.

So, wait. So, are you preparing for a role and believe yourself to live in a sewer or do you literally live in a sewer, Ethan Hawke? What is the better answer to that? I couldn't tell you. I feel like all roads lead to ice cold comedy. That's my log line for my new podcast. I'll hang up and listen to your answer. Okay.

You know, Casper is one of those movies that when I will talk to a person who is slightly younger than me, I think it occupies the same space as like our generation has with like a league of their own. Of like just this movie. Wait, Casper does? Casper and. Is it a female empowerment film? What's the Halloween movie that everybody talks about? Oh, Hocus Pocus.

Hocus Pocus. Yes. I think Casper and Hocus Pocus are in this weird little thing of like everybody who's a little younger than us watched it at a slumber party. Is that along with League of Their Own? No, I think a little League of Their Own. Am I wrong? You know what?

with League of Their Own? No, I think a little League of Their Own. Am I wrong? You know what? It's Hocus Pocus and Eight Men Out are the two films that young people

really identify with. I felt bad when I met Teen Witch because I thought, I'm not trying to drop names here, not least because I don't remember

what her name is. Robin Lively. Robin Lively. She's a charmer. But I met Teen Witch. I felt like I should have some connection to Teen Witch besides being pretty sure that it's a real movie and it's not just a shine on she's doing. This isn't like a hustle, you know, saying I'm Teen Witch. Yeah. I'm here for Teen Witch.

That's how I felt. And Hocus Pocus is too old for Witch. Yeah. I'm here for Teen Witch. That's how I felt. And Hocus Pocus is too old for me. Yeah. So anyway. I like Nightmare Before Christmas. Sure. That's a great one. That's right in our territory, right?

Yeah, that is in our like, yeah, you saw it at a friend's house as a kid. And of course everybody loves the Monster Mash. Yeah. Just in general. The dance. The Graveyard Smash. Yeah. Yes. not caught on in a flash yeah but it's really stayed hot ever since it has there's something underrated about the

grave about the uh monster mash a lot of people know that it caught on in a flash yeah but it's really had amazing staying power relative to like itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Purple Polka Dot Bikini, which also caught on in a flash, but it doesn't have the same staying power. I mean, don't get me started on the One-Eyed One-Horn Flying Purple People Eater. Yeah. I shan't. Yeah. Again, caught on in a flash. Right.

And now hardly anybody ever talks about the One-Eyed One-Horn Flying Purple People Eater. And can I say something else about the One-E, one-horned, flying purple people eater? I wish you would. Literally one of the least popular songs in graveyards. Right. Sure. Not even close to a graveyard smash. Big in Detroit.

It was like a local hit. It started in Detroit. The Motor City. Motown, I call it. And I think now the purple people eater can can still tour in, like, Japan. Yeah. Still doing state fairs. Yeah. Gonna be down at the Orange County state fair, just eating people over by the corn dogs.

Yeah, not doing a show. The state of Orange County's doing a fair this summer. Yeah. Orange County has annexed itself from the rest of California. They got independence. We're so happy for them. I wish them nothing but the best. We're going to be in Orange County in Anaheim for a podcasting festival.

Do you have your travel visa? Oh, Jesus Christ, no. It's an independent nation. You better have your papers when we cross the border. It's expensive. Are you a natural born citizen? I was born there. I have dual citizenship.

Okay. You didn't have to renounce your Orange County citizenship when you became a citizen of the United States? No. I mean they're pretty good about that stuff. Oh, they're chill about that? Oh, yeah. They're chill. It was a friendly separation, but it's three bribes to get in, three bribes to get out.

Okay. Who do you have to bribe? Mark McGrath. Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray. Right. The doorman. Uh-huh. And just the first person you see who is wearing like jorts and like a T-shirt, but just the

collar of it and a marching band hat. Okay, cool. Sounds like a pretty cool dude. Hell yeah. Does the president of Orange County run that glow-in-the-dark store at the Irvine Spectrum? No, that is actually also its own country now. Really? Yeah, it's an annexation within an annexation.

And the sword place? Yeah. The whole Irvine Spectrum is just a... And the Irvine Spectrum, for people who don't know, is a grove-like facility. In Orange County. Where teens go to hang out. Do they? Yeah, Dave and Buster's. Oh, that's where that is.

I've been there. Sure. So, yeah, now every individual store and kiosk in the Irvine Spectrum is an independent nation with its own economy, traditions, cuisine, imports, exports, beauty pageants, sexual views. Did you know this? Brody Stevens was recently elected king of the Irvine... What do they got there?

A comedy store? No, Irvine Improv. The Irvine Improv. Oh, God damn it. Have you heard the national anthem for the piercing pagoda? Irvine Improv. Oh, goddammit. Have you heard the national anthem for the piercing pagoda? I'd love to. Oh, it's fantastic. We all hail.

This will only hurt a bit. It's great. It really explains the history. Clean this out. It'll probably get infected. Now this is surgical steel. Leave that in for a while. Don't tell mom.

It's a beautiful nation, a proud nation. Yeah. I backpacked there between junior and senior year of college. I backpacked in the piercing pagoda. I got my dick pierced there when I was 14. So you know that it's a rich, beautiful land. Yeah, I know all about the foods and the culture. Now, did you undergo any scorch trials?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan doesn't go. New York City, listen up. Your fellow MaxFun listeners and hosts are gathering at Stuart Wellington's New Brooklyn Bar and you're invited. You probably know Stuart from his hilarious movie riffing on The Flophouse. But did you know he's also a small business owner? It's true. Join Stuart and a ton of new MaxFun friends at the Hinterlands Bar on Saturday, August 27th at 7 p.m. You can find more information at bit.ly slash MaxFunHinterlands. See you there! It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Lublin. You can use the same nickname. You don't need a new nickname every time. I think that's a mistake a lot of people make. Hidden Sleeve Blade? There you go. I'm a Hidden Sleeve Blade, guys. I can't hide it anymore. You don't need a new nickname every time. I think that's a mistake a lot of people make. Hidden Sleeve Blade? There you go.

I'm a Hidden Sleeve Blade, guys. I can't hide it anymore. Of course you are. Hi, my name is Hal Lublin. I'm a Hidden Sleeve Blade. Thank you for being honest with us and with yourself. I feel better. I dropped my son off at kindergarten.

Oh, yeah? Here's a momentous occasion for you. Hey. Son started kindergarten. First day. First day was two days ago. Well, we had a prep day, a half day, two days ago. Then yesterday was the first day.

Today was the first day I dropped him off solo. How'd that go? It went pretty good. I still resent school. That's something I discovered. Yeah. It's going to be a concern moving forward. Just like being around school, like the trappings of school gives you feelings of childhood trauma.

Yeah. Like there was this whole part where my son goes to a really excellent neighborhood public school here in Los Angeles. And this very nice woman is the principal. And as she was talking about different school things, inside my head, there was just this involuntary shut up teacher. She just wanted to jump up on the desk and play air guitar. Yeah, like make spitballs or something. Just like classic mischief.

Just skateboard right past her. I just hate school. I think it's for jerks. Yeah. And homework's for... Oh, fuck. I hate fucking homework so much, Jordan. Oh, my God.

I didn't even hate going to school. I hated homework. Yeah. That's what I hated. How's the kid taken to it? He hasn't started getting it yet. But I mean, just school in general, does he like being dropped off? Does he like kids?

He made this Clifford hat. Mm-hmm. From the movie Clifford. The big red dog or a more short hat that he put on his head? I don't think he's old enough for Clifford. I don't know. How young is too young for Charles Grodin? Ask Beethoven. I think he should be sexually mature. Yeah. I don't know. How young is too young for Charles Grodin? Ask Beethoven.

I think he should be sexually mature. Yeah. Mid-50s? Yeah. NC-70, NC-50. And that's what I consider sexually mature is mid-50s.

I... He made a Clifford the big red dog hat, big red ears. And he read a story about where Clifford goes to kindergarten. He was telling me about it. There's a pretty fucking funny part in there. One of these dumbass kids tries to go to kindergarten and tries to pack up his whole house in a fucking backpack.

What an idiot. To bring to kindergarten. It's like, you just need to bring your lunch. Okay? Jack off. And your protractor. Yeah. I'm tired of these And your protractor. Yeah. I'm tired of these fucking kids getting into school.

What's worse, kids or teachers? I mean... Your thoughts, Hal. Oh, my goodness. Give us a call. We're talking about what's worse, kids or teachers? Show, show, show, show, showdown. Hello, this is Ethan Hawke calling from my sewer again.

Ethan Hawke, you get the flush. The whoosh. again? Ethan Hawke, you get the flush. The whoosh. I don't like any of your trilogies. The one with Juliette Binoche, what's that called?

Before Sunset? Yeah, Waking Sunrise. Is that Binoche? Is that a Binoche? Julie Delphi. That's not a Binoche. No that a Binoche? Julie Delphi. Julie Delphi. That's not a Binoche. But know your French actresses.

How about that for a long line for Jordan Jesse? Go, that's not a Binoche. I've heard those are beautiful films. I haven't seen them. Meditative. Really majestic films. I haven't seen them either. I haven't seen them. Meditative. Really majestic films. I haven't seen them either. I haven't seen them.

Two of the three. Frankly, I'm sort of a Juliette Binoche partisan. Yeah. So I won't see anything Delphi. Oh, I get you. Oh, yeah. You have to pick your Julie. Mm-hmm.

Personally, I think Binoche can be a little gauche. She should be a ghost. I think she's a ghost. Oh, is she the partner of Kristen Bell? So you got an angel and a ghost? Yeah, we're trying to get Binoche on board. Oh, that's a good two-hander. You know, she's got a lot of projects.

Yeah. But, you know, we think she'll make time for it. Can I suggest something? Yes. If you're making a two-hander and you can't get Binoche, have you thought about fat old Dura Dipardieu? To play a sniper's helper ghost? Yeah, like a sniper's helper ghost who drinks 10 bottles of wine a day. I would want to incorporate that into his character.

Straight from the bottle. Yeah. He just sleeps a lot. Yeah. Just taking a nap. Yeah. So anyway i i legitimately like it's such a lovely school sure i'm looking around at all these parents i'm like oh look at these clowns bringing kids to kindergarten i realized that was just an expression of my own

self-loathing so you so do you think down the line when, you know, third grade or whatever, when you have to do cursive, he hasn't done his cursive yet? I don't think they do cursive anymore. Probably not. They just do Snapchat. Snapchat proficiency.

Everybody, pick up your stylus. Yeah. You see so bad faster than I did. Yeah. So when he's doing his Snapchat lessons, he's like, I don't want to do them. I don't want to do them. I hate you. I don't want to do them.

It will probably be difficult for you to craft an argument that he has to sit down and do it. Yeah, because I fucking hate it. Yeah. I'll be like, yeah, I hate it too. Oh, sorry. Talk to your mom. Yeah, like I still have deep unresolved issues. Here's a set of encyclopedia.

How young is too young for a set of encyclopedia? I don't know. It just depends on how convincing that salesman is. That's true. Just get him Microsoft Encarta because we're in modern times. Oh, fuck it. He's a technology. How do you think, knowing your son's temperament, how do you think he will take to school and responsibility and homework and all that stuff?

I'm hoping, because my wife, Teresa, the host of MaximumFun.org's One Bad Mother, and author of the upcoming book, You're Doing a Great Job. book you're doing a great job. She loved school and did all of her homework the whole way through and went to a good college. Like the whole time she liked it. She always did her homework. She told me that doing her homework that she had never had a second thought about it.

That she just did it. It didn't even feel like a burden to her because she she just did it wow it wasn't even didn't even feel like a burden to her because she would just do it and then be done with it rather than sort of carrying it around in a sort of emotional hump that crushed her over the course of the years between sixth and twelfth grades do you get stressed as well or do you just get mad? Because I get stressed around schools. I get stressed and mad. And I feel like I'm trapped in an unjust system.

Despite the fact that I've escaped that system long ago. Just when you thought you were out. I'm a successful white-collar professional, a business owner with 12 employees. Back to school. Back to school. You know what Rodney Dangerfield proved? At any age, you can get called back into school and you've got to go. Yeah.

He could have walked out his freshman year. He could have said, screw this. I'm rich. Came back, nailed that triple Indy. Oh. And he taught us all a little something about friendship. Yeah. I think.

And a little something about respect. That's true. And a lot about Oingo Boingo. Is Oingo Boingo in that? They played when he has the party in his room because he knocks out like three dorm rooms. Oh. And he has Oingo Boingo playing at his big party while he's in a hot tub with some girls. Some babes.

Some babes. Cool. Feathered hair babes. 80s babes. Oh, yeah. So much Dep Gel in that hot tub. Yeah, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. But I'm hoping that he takes more after his mom.

Does he seem like he's got the temperament for paying attention and respect and listening? Well, this week's his first week. He's mostly been doing a lot of uh hat making i was gonna say throwing things at me oh okay yeah he's a little stressed out about it for his first week but his his second full day was today he did a lot better i think i think he came home happy his second full day so maybe you, you know, I got to say, Miss Gonzalez seems really nice. She seems like a nice woman. Is his friend Charles P. in the class?

No, Charles P. is not in the class. Charles M. is in the class. And Charles G. is the principal. Charles Crodon. Oh, okay. Little Charlie G. He's sort of irascible. I don't know if your son has a friend named Charles P.

I like that elementary school convention of having the kid but then having to put their last initial. My son's friend is named Ellis. Oh, that's a fun name. Yeah, he's a fun kid. Does he need an initial? Is there more than one Ellis? I think there's only one Ellis. Okay. Two of them, if it's like Roosevelt or, you know, Handgun or Johnny Cash, all one word.

Yeah. Cale. Johnny Cash hyphen Bowie Slick Rick. Yeah. Gunner. Gunner. Gunner and Matthew Nelson. That's just one name.

So many Gunners. That's another great log line for your podcast. So many gunners. So many gunners. If you're a gunner out there listening to the podcast, hit us up on Periscope. Hey, I'm on Periscope from my sewer. Oh, it's Ethan Hawks. It's Ethan Hawks.

What's up, guys? It's the Hawk. Oh, hi, Ethan. It's Ethan Hawks. What's up, guys? It's the Hawk. Oh, hi, Ethan. Boy, we should really maybe block this number. Where my hawks at? We've got to get rid of this whole bit. Yeah. This whole thing's a zero.

Are we leading into momentous occasions? Yeah. When something momentous happens to you, like you drop your kid off at preschool, I mean kindergarten for the first time, well, then give us a call. 206-9844-FUN is the telephone number to call. Let's hear our first. By the way, I want the person who had their butthole removed to know that while I didn't remember at the time her call about getting her butthole removed, I later did remember it. And I appreciate that she called both times.

And I appreciated her awesome attitude about the butt stuff. Yeah. Me too. Congratulations. I just wanted to make that clear. I just don't want – Life has given her lemons. Sometimes –

She has made lemonade. Sometimes people think that we just pick on people that call in with momentous occasion. We love our fans, Hal. Of course. It's a loving roast. This is just... You call in and we have fun together, okay? We only roast the ones we love.

You're laughing with, not at. And you know what I love most of all? A nice, juicy turkey. Yum, yum. Let's take our first call. Jordan, Jesse, guest. Happy Analogous. My girlfriend picked me for the first time.

Hooray! Cool, that's when you take it in the butt. Oh, is that my dad? That sounded a lot like my dad. Hey there, pops. Dad, I'm so happy for you that you finally took it in the keister. Well, I think that really speaks to our watchwords for this and every analogist, which are, of course, stimulate the prostate. You got to stimulate the prostate.

You got to stimulate the prostate. You got to stimulate the prostate. You got to stimulate the prostate. If not the actual prostate, some sort of metaphorical prostate. Exactly. Get up in there and give it the old doodle-do. Milk the prostate in your life. Exactly. Milk life's prostate.

Man, we got so many log lines for this show. Jesus Christ. Log lines turn into a log paragraph. We're going to need coverage on our log line, Jordan. Otherwise, Brian Grazer is not even going to take a look at it. Oh, man. I want super producer Brian Grazer to take a look at it. Get it to the Graze.

Got to get it to the Graze. If we could get Ronnie Howard, Hollywood legend Ronnie howard to write the coverage on our log line i think grazer would take a look at the at the log line yeah we've been looking for a project together you and toby gillis what would be in ron howard what's what's ron howard's famous television character opie opie yeah and then richie cunningunningham. And Richie Cunningham. I did a pass on Frost Nixon. Okay. And he's like, this is great. What's next for you?

I'm like, I'm kind of busy right now. You're being a little clingy. Back off. I'll come to you when I'm ready. I thought you were saying you passed on it. He was like, hey, would you do this project? No, he wanted me to play Richard Nixon. Oh, okay. I was going to play Frost.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. When I heard that you were potentially attached, that's when I passed. Same thing. Oh, there you go. See, one of us should have said, hey, I'll do the movie. Guys, I played the slash in between. It was a pretty nice payday.

Oh, yeah. I also loved you in Face Off. Thank you. I thought the FX show nip-tuck. Oh, and Victor Victoria. You were great. I'm worried about typecasting, but in this case, given that it's literal typecasting. Type face casting.

But, you know, the money's good. Sure. And, you know, you love your work. Plus it gets me in with Sasha Frere-Jones's brother. So, yeah, I did a, you know, just did a little punch up on the script, added my two cents, you know, maybe suggested that he go out to Langella. And, yeah, we've been kind of looking for a project. And maybe he can help produce this podcast into, you know, whatever we decide the next medium for it is. I already sold an option to Roger Corman.

Oh. So I will be replaced with some sort of shark-topus at some point? I'm going to be replaced with a 1960s Jack Nicholson. Oh. So it's going to be young Nicholson versus shark-topus then. Yeah, exactly. Okay, let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jessica.

I have a momentous occasion to share. So during primary season, I set up a Chrome extension to make online coverage of the election a little more tolerable. All I did was replace the names of various candidates. So Hillary Clinton became Hillary Cleeflop, and Donald Trump became Donald Saucy Dinosaur. I'd forgotten I'd even installed it until recently it crept onto a well-trafficked academic website I'm responsible for. Good job. For several weeks, all mentions of the University of Santa Cruz became University of Santa Who Farted Cruz because I had changed Ted Cruz's name to Ted Who Farted Cruz.

Thanks. Bye. That was like a Dear John letter. Yeah, that is actually, that was actually now we went to UC Santa Cruz. That was actually the Latin motto was Who Farted. Oh. Because it's a school of mystery. Right. And farts.

Voted on by the students in 1982. Everything about UC Santa Cruz was voted on by some assholes in 1982. Yeah. While they were playing Atari basketball. Yeah. They weren't paying attention. People know that our mascot was the banana slugs. People know that.

What they don't know is that it narrowly beat the UC Santa Cruz Oingo Boingos. The knights of the Oingo Boingo back then. Got it. Because they're fully shortened it later. Got it. Did they lose their status with the crown? Yeah, right. Yeah, when they became their own independent nation.

Well, they actually became lords of the Oingo Boingo, but they thought it gauche to include that in their album titles. They're very humble. Yeah. They became Oingo Boingo. But they thought it gauche to include that in their album titles. They're very humble. Yeah. They became Oingo Boingo Gentry. Oppressing the Boingo peasants. Yeah. But also providing for them.

Right. Of course. It's an ecosystem. It's not perfect. At the end of the day, you know that show Downton Abbey? You guys heard about this? Sure. It's a new. At the end of the day, you know that show Downton Abbey? You guys heard about this? Sure. It's a new show on television.

Passing familiarity. You know the guy who writes Downton Abbey? He's a lord. He's a member of the House of Lords. You could watch a whole season of Downton Abbey before you realize, I think this show is pro-surfdom. Like, the point of view of this program is that it's good to have people with birthrights. Sure.

And if you're just a good servant and don't steal a snuff box, you'll be provided for. Yeah. You can open a small inn one day maybe. But really what you should want to do is serve the people who have money and keep them in comfort so they can provide for the common people who they refuse to talk with at picnics. And you keep your fucking hands off that snuff box. Oh, get the fuck off of that box. You keep your fucking hands off that snuff box. The fuck is wrong with off of that box. Keep your fucking hands off that snuff box. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I know you fucking want it. I've seen you looking at my snuff. I've seen you looking at that fucking snuff box, you poor piece of shit. You Irish piece of shit. You can make a snuff box out of your own shit. Have fun dying of cholera in a fucking ditch because you can't clean your water.

You fucking cheeky looking at my snuff box, you shit motherfucker. But seriously, guys, let's talk about those foxy princesses from downtown. I'll give them the vote. Next call, please. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guests. This is Jan calling from Lexington, please. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guests. This is Jane calling from Lexington, Kentucky. There is a fly flying around my room, and I caught it with my hand. Thanks.

Bye. Yeah, dope. Nice. It's always fun. Fucking Jane gets it. Yeah. Jane knows what this show. Jane should be the one providing our log line.

Our log line might as well just be Jane's call. So I'll say at the beginning of every show, hi, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. And then she'll say, hi, this is Jane from Lexington, Kentucky. I caught a fly flying around my room with my hand. Amazing. I remember the three times in my life when that happened. They were great. Do you have any idea?

I've never felt more powerful. How many fucking eyeballs one of those flies has? Have you seen the science museum? They got eyeballs on eyeballs on eyeballs. I won't go in there. I'm eye phobic. I don't want to see all those eyes. I want her to smash them.

She could be the chosen one. She could catch a fly with her hand. The fly smasher foretold in the tablets? Yes. The ancient tablets? When Moses brought down the tablets. Can I ask you guys a question? Are we talking about ancient tablets? When Moses brought down the tablets. Can I ask you guys a question? Are we talking about ancient tablets?

When you say ancient tablets, are you talking about the Karate Kid? Oh, yeah. Yes. Okay, cool. That's my sacred text. Man, I thought the Karate Kid was pretty dope shit. Yeah. What would the Karate Kid be like if you watched it?

I wonder. That's a great question. Would the Karate Kid? I bet your kids will be old enough to watch the Karate Kid be like if you watched it? I wonder. That's a great question. Would the Karate Kid... I bet your kids will be old enough to watch the Karate Kid soon, right? You know what? Because there may be too much kicking in it. It seems pretty likely that I'm going to find the Karate

Kid on VHS at some point, bring it up to the cabin. It's pretty great. Holds up. I bet there are a lot of VHSes of Karate Kid in our nation's good wills. I haven't seen any yet. And I've been out there looking. I also haven't seen Three Days of the Condor.

That's the other one I'm looking for. Well, those two are companion piece. I did manage to get French Connection. I bet you a 70s movie is a little harder to find on VHS than an 80s movie. Yeah, but I haven't seen a single fucking Karate Kid. I've seen multiple Anastasias. You need that giant Warner Brothers the soft plastic.

Oh yeah, we talked about that box. Yeah, it's two cassettes. Clam it, baby. Gotta clam it up. Gotta clam those tapes. Clam that, baby. Yeah, in my experience of re-watching a thing, the 80s stuff is not great.

80s is not a great time for a movie you remember being really good. Except for Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Except for certain exceptions. Mostly just Pee Wee's Big Adventure. If a cell phone or the internet would solve the problem of the film, it doesn't hold up. But the Karate Kid, you can't solve a kick with a cell phone. That's true. You're going to get your ass beat by Johnny.

And there will always be just like three racist things that happen or sexist things. Which is better than now. Yeah, right. When there have to be at least four to five sexist things and racist things. Sure. In every film. It's the MPAA. I mean Labyrinth.

I don't need to watch Labyrinth. Labyrinth. I watched Labyrinth for the first time recently. Labyrinth is like they made a thing. They made a bunch of things. And they're like, all right, well, make a movie that includes all these fucking things that we made. Yeah.

I enjoyed my viewing of Labyrinth. Including David Bowie. Yeah, right. They built him specifically for the movie. Took 60 hours. The creature shop. Make the dong bigger. Mr. Henson says the dong needs to be bigger.

All of his notes. More distracting. Just keeps making dong notes. I think the dong needs to be just like a little bit longer. Like a foot and a half. Is that Jim Henson? Maybe three feet. R.I.P.

Love those puppet dongs. I'm up here visiting with Kristen Bell in heaven. Hey-o. Why does Al have an impression of Jim Henson ready to go? I mean, it seems like it's just a Kermit the Frog impression. It is. It's the same voice, just a little bit heightened. So Jim Henson, you know, sounds like this.

Hi-ho. It's really good. Hello, heaven. It's a really solid piece of business that we plundered into. Yeah. Should we, maybe in the break you should tell us what bits you want to do so that we can set you up. Let me give you my karaoke playbook of Jim Henson bits.

Okay, if you want to call us... How can we talk to the Fraggles? Are the Fraggles here? Let me go get Red and Boober. Boober? Wait, is Boober one of the Fraggles? Yeah! Where's the hat? I didn't have cable, so.

I did not watch the Fraggles growing up. For some reason, I had a book about the Doozers. Yeah. You had the bad guys from the Fraggles? No, the Doozers are a kind of slave class in the world of the Fraggles. So it's called The Doozer That Didn't. As a guy who got an A in Muppet Magic class at UC Santa Cruz, I really should remember what the Doozers are. It's about the Doozer that didn't.

And this was a book, not a little golden book, but kind of a similarly complicated book, about the Doozers who are like a building class in the world of the Fraggles. They're obsessed with building. And then one Doozer says, fuck with building and then one doozer says fuck it and then eats all the building materials and turns into some sort of troll. That's what the Fraggles do typically. They eat the doozer's constructions.

Having a hard time with the mythology. I don't remember too much else other than the lesson that if you're too lazy and you eat all the building materials you'll become some sort of troll. Yeah and I'm having a hard time because I'm getting mixed up between – it's been a long time since I've seen Fraggle Rock at all. So I'm mixing that up with Marx and Engels' Capital.

There's something about the workers controlling the means of production. Yeah. Is that in the – which one is that in? Yeah. No, that's the Communist Manifesto. Communist Manifesto? Yeah. The, that's the Communist Manifesto. Communist Manifesto? Yeah. The worker is but a pre-troll.

Okay, got it. Yeah. I think I got it. Yeah, we're all just potential trolls. And if we don't toil enough, then. Yeah, unthinkable. Yeah, foo boy, I would hate to be a troll. Can I say something real quick about little golden books?

You may. What a flaming garbage pile little golden books are. Even the ones that you remember as being good, like Scuffy the Tugboat. Sure. Scuffy the Tugboat is a fucking garbage pile. It's so boring. Isn't there a story about the Little Red Caboose? Isn't that a golden book?

Yeah, it's fucking garbage. All of them. The classics. Okay, so the classics are not flaming garbage they're standard garbage like they're too long and they're boring and they're kind of shitty you know those are the ones that you have the really fond memories of like that one uh where uh grover it says there's a monster at the end of the book, and it turns out just to be Grover. Oh, there's no way that doesn't hold up. Does not hold up. That one's probably the best.

That probably holds up the best. Because that's... There's one where... That's got a shocking twist. There's one where... That's an M. Night Shyamalan style twist. There's one where Big Bird is trying to figure out how come he can't see anything that's red and just everything around him is red. And you're like, for fuck's sake, Big Bird, get your head on straight.

Yeah. Or maybe he was sick. He's like eating a tomato or something. And he's like, well, nothing's red. I need to find something red. It's fuck you, Big Bird. So that's like the best. That's the creme de la creme. Second tier is classic tales, boringly told, that you've compressed over your adult lifetime into just the nugget of wisdom and like a little graphic motif.

Like the story of the karate kid? Yeah. Then there's, that's the peak of the food pyramid of golden. Then the whole base is the worst fucking books. Then the whole base is the worst fucking books. Like just fucking nonsensical go-bots stories. About the go-bots? Just some shit that's called like animals on a farm and there's a kangaroo on the cover.

Oh, man. That's what fucking little golden books are. You remember them because that branding is so powerful. Were they all written, those really bad ones, by that kid who tried to pack an entire house? That's my best guess! That dumb fuck! I had to be reminded not to chew on the ends of little golden books. I was putting them in my mouth.

I had the same problem with my rabbit. Miss Bunny. You would chew on her or she would chew on books? She would chew on books. She chewed on books? She would chew on books. Yeah. She chewed on my Nolan Ryan baseball card one time. That was a real situation. Yeah, that'll drop the value.

That's the end of that bunny, right? Yeah, pretty much. I remember the back of those books had a train, like a looping train. Oh, yeah. With all the characters. I remember that train. But like unlicensed drawings. So it would be like how they have like Indian Superman and it's like a guy with like a T on his chest.

Yeah, yeah. It would be like that's almost Donald Duck. But not really. Yeah. It's not even Dolan Duck. You can't even get to that level. Just some guy's weird crack at Donald Duck. And like end of the day, why the fuck does Scuffy the Tugboat need to be on a train anyway?

He's already a mode of transportation. If he wants to go inland. I got a lot of love in my heart for Scuffy the Tugboat, but it really is hard to read the whole thing because it's so boring. Maybe it's Scuffy the Tugboat's going to Nevada. The really boring book is Make Way for Ducklings. I don't think I had that one.

That's a children's, that's a gold, that's a spectacular children's classic that has endured through the decades. And I literally have not made it all the way through that fucking thing once. It's so long and boring. It's awful. What's the premise, can you say? Some baby ducks.

There's pretty pictures. It has pretty pictures. Is it just a bunch of people moving boxes slightly to the left? Also, you know the one about the thousands and millions of cats and millions and billions and trillions of cats. Thousands of cats. That book is so fucking long. You have no idea

how long that book is and nothing happens. Because you see each individual cat, right? And there's so much cats dying. All the cats kill and eat each other. Oh, that's true. Except for the one little guy at the end. It's fucking crazy and so long. But Charlotte's Web is really good.

We read that. Oh. Charlotte's Web. A chapter book. We've been doing chapter books. Nice. We read James and the Giant Peach, too. Oh, cool.

That's a good one. James and the Giant Peach is cool and nice, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Mm-hmm. It's pretty episodic. Yeah. Got those crystals. But Charlotte's... Crystals go into the peach.

Charlotte's Web is fucking great. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just don't want to be a negative Nelly. Are you worried... Are you worried... Are you to the end of Charlotte's Web? Am I worried that the trumpet of the swan

is going to be a problem? Boy. I don't think so. All those eebie whites. I think it's from the swans. We got to the end of it, and Simon accepted it with incredible equanimity. The, spoiler alert, death of the spider. Yeah, he really seemed to like, like the book really prepared him for the like beauty of a life cycle.

And all the children that were like continuing Charlotte's place in the world, even though Charlotte could never actually be replaced. It was amazing. I was kind of on. I was awestruck by it. That rat loves to eat garbage too. Oh, does he ever. He wants to go to the fair.

Fucking Templeton. Wants to go eat garbage. Fucking Templeton as portrayed by Paul Lind. Paul Lind. Yeah. I was just going to say one of those gay stereotypes from 1970s game shows. Paul Lind. Paul Lind.

There's like one other one, isn't there? Charles Nelson Reilly. Charles Nelson Reilly. There you go. I couldn't remember which weirdly. Yeah. Just the glass wiggle was Charles Nelson Reilly. Right.

Always a neckerchief, I think, was Paul Lind. Sometimes a neckerchief. To their credit, Paul Lynde. Sometimes a neckerchief. To their credit, both pretty great at it. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. And he did a great job as Templeton eating all that trash. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. Welcome back to Jordan Jessico.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Lublin, hidden sleeve blade. Shink. That's me. Ka-chink. That's me too. Shink.

That's an imitator. Oh. Right into the pope. That's me. That was a Sega Master System. That was a Sega. Oh. Was that Rocky for Sega Master System?

Wait, is there Rocky for Sega Master System? Yeah, of course. Of course there is. What game system wouldn't have Rocky on it in 1985? NES had Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Master System had Rocky. Not featuring Mike Tyson. Or Glass Joe.

Or Bald Bull. Did you know anybody who had a Master System? I don't think so. I'm trying to think if I ever held a master system? I don't think so. I'm trying to think if I ever held a master system. I knew they existed. Tony McCauley had a master system, but his parents thought I was racist, so I wasn't invited over. Well, that's reasonable. Is it because of that hood you wore to the house all the time?

Yeah. I was just really into the filmic innovations of D.W. Griffiths. It's a technical achievement. I don't morally agree with the man. It's a technical achievement. That's what you said about birth and finish. It's a nod to the medium. Sure.

Not the man. That's why I love World War II propaganda. Yeah. I also enjoyed dressing as the German athletes in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. So. So. Yes. We're wrapping it up. We're wrapping it up.

We've learned a lot. We have learned a lot. Laughed a lot. Loved a lot. Mm-hmm. The answer to all three is no, we have not done any of that. None of that is true. I wish we had.

We stimulated the prostate. Oh, we sure did. We milked the shit out of it. We milked the prostate of life. Does shit come out of the prostate? No. All right, I got it wrong. We stimulated the prostate. Oh, we sure did. We milked the shit out of it. Milked the prostate of life. Does shit come out of the prostate? No. All right, I got it wrong. We didn't milk it.

Boy, sounds like you need an anal August refresher. I sure do. Yeah, stop by the Pleasure Chest. They'll help you out. Stop by the old Pleasure Chest. Tell them you need an anal August refresher. I'll back right in. That's their signature cocktail.

Ginger. Yeah, gin, cucumber. Cucumber. Human feces. And then a length of tube. Yeah. Right up your keister. Yeah.

Sounds great. It's got a kick to it. It's got a real kick. It's like a mule. That's how they put it in. A mule kicks it in there. You know, it's a nice, easy-drinking summertime enema. Summertime, and Drinking is easy.

Up your butt it goes with the kick of a mule. Fuck are we doing here? Hal Lublin, of course, the host of We Got This. MaximumFun.org's own. He's one of the stars of Venture Brothers. You can find that on Netflix. You can. Somewhere I've enjoyed watching it in the past.

It's got Butterfly Man. The Monarch? It's got the Venture Buddies. It's got Putty from Seinfeld. It's got everything. You've named everything that's in the show. Should we bring back our signature impression that everyone wanted us to do? Here's my impression of Putty from Seinfeld on the show Venture Brothers.

Oh, yeah. This might be interesting. How? Because you are, you know, this is your bread and butter. You're close friends with Putty from Seinfeld. Besties. Do you have a Patrick Warburton all up in your voice bag? I do? Okay.

I kind of want to hear Jesse's first. We'll go around the horn. We'll go from second best to worst to best. We'll start with Jesse. You'll do your Patrick Warburton. I'll do my Patrick Warburton. And then we'll close it out with what I am sure...

If we're going in that order, I think you better go first because I'm definitely the worst Warburton. Okay, I mean. I'm the worst Burton. It's really close. It's real close. Both of our Warburtons are bad. The worst Burton.

Yeah, and then I'm assuming, and I'm not to, you know, set you up for an epic fall, but I'm assuming yours will be great, not only because you're a professional voice changer, but also, you know, I imagine the whole Venture Brothers cast just gets together and records those in a big room together at Warburton's house. We're just always doing each other's voices all the time. Oh, okay. I'll do mine.

Mine is specifically on the Venture Brothers. So that's territory we didn't cover. I was doing him on news radio last week on the show. This week it's Patrick Warburton. I think Steve was doing him on Family Guy. So I think that we have a variety of Warburtons here. Right. Somebody's got to do him on that sitcom with David Spade. Sure. I'll do

that one. Okay. So this is Patrick Warburton on the Venture Brothers as the big muscle guy. Okay. Okay. Hey, Jesse, here's a video game joke you don't get. Here's a comic book joke you don't get. This is a reference to a complicated universe you don't know about.

Yeah. Hey, Jesse, you know who OMAC is? One Bad Army Corps? No? Yeah, I gotta get this. Sorry, here's Patrick Warburton on. Hey, yeah, this has something to do with Tom Swift

and his flying lab. Here's Patrick Warburton on the David Spade sitcom. Hey there, it's Spade. It's me, Patrick Warburton. Hey there, it's Spade. It's me. Hey, I think the premise of this thing is that I'm a married guy, and you're a little horny guy.

You're a little horny guy. You're like a single horny guy. You're having some fun with your real-life persona as a man about town and a horny comedian. The character you play is similar to the man you are in real life, which is a horny guy. Hey, David Spade. You've transformed into Charles Nelson Warburton. Hey, David Spade, we're friends despite the fact that I'm a married guy and you're a horny guy. Hey, maybe I'm horny too sometimes.

Hey. Welcome to the other Disney land. I'm going little California adventure. We're going to blast some pine wind in your face. What do you like of the smell of this pine wind? Hey, it's me. You're here at California Adventure.

Have a terrible margarita. Did you overcommit to Disneyland too many days? Well, have some fun with me over here in shitty Disneyland. Wander around here. Have a terrible margarita that costs 12 bucks and you get blasted by some pine winds. I'll be working tonight at the Irvine Spectrum. I'm the owner.

Hey, Dave. Hey, I'm the glow-in-the-dark store over there at the Irvine Spectrum. Talk to the eight balls. The Cheesecake Factory shall rise again. We're an independent nation. Death to the Dave and Busters. Everybody loves me because I'm great at everything. I just do this thing and it's fucking great.

It's one of the greatest things ever. Now, what's your... Do you do one? Can I do... Yeah, Can I do Patrick Warburton on Family Ties? Can I put him on another show? Let's see. So Hal is about to do

Patrick Warburton, Putty from Seinfeld and star of Family Guy as Patrick Warburton from the misheard Family Guy show title Family Ties, the classic 1980s family sitcom starring Ron Howard. Hey, Ron Howard, I need you to come in here and make me breakfast for Steve and Elise get home. Hey, Alex, why don't you say something about being a Republican?

That is some fucking Gen X shit right there. Talk about Reagan and Rubik's cubes. This is fun. Did that be our log line? You won't believe how shitty our Warburton impressions are. Come here for shitty Warburton. Three shitty Warburton impressions you need to hear. Number two will shock you.

We're a BuzzFeed article now. Christian Duenas on the board. There was a literal, okay, for the Olympics, there was a literal BuzzFeed article. Uh-huh. I'm not getting the- Most of them exist in the world of metaphor. I'm not going to get the exact wording down, but it's something like this. Twelve times the women's Olympic volleyball team perfectly summed up your thoughts about pizza.

That's some scorch trials level nonsense. The world is so bad now. That's just what happens when you make celebrity cat Lil Bub right here. Lil Bub. Write more, Bub. Yeah. You know what the people want. Check out these Disney princesses that can't even.

Look over here. Get on these swings that you can go to anywhere. California Adventure. Fly around. Fly around on these swings. Look out. That golf ball is going to hit you. I thought we were going to do Warburton reading BuzzFeed list titles.

That was my proposed next bit. 19 times pizza rat made you cry. There you go. Pizza rap. My name is pizza and I'm here to say. Watch these Korean girls try Irish snacks for the first time. Do I jerk it off to this? Why do we do these?

Why do you want to watch a Korean girl eat an Irish snack? Fucking weirdos. We hired this guy to be an investigative reporter. He's doing real investigative reports. For BuzzFeed.

Some pretty good writing on this sometimes. It's the politics guy. Take this quiz and see which one of the Powerpuff Girls you would eat on a deserted island. Oh, I got bubbles. I had to dismember and eat bubbles. Number five will shock you. Get to eat bubbles.

Hey, bubbles, come here and get eaten. Our producer is Brian Fernandez up there in London, England, home of the London Olympics. Jolly old London in London, England, home of the London Olympics? Jolly old London. London, England. Why are these policemen wearing these hats? I'm going to get those bobbies. I'm evil, Dave. Dave, I'm evil.

Enjoy this 80 degree beer. Oh, good. Room temperature, perfect. That's exactly how I want to drink something. What a great country. What the good. Room temperature, perfect. That's exactly how I want to drink something. What a great country. What the hell is that lady, a queen? Hey, that's queen.

Can't wait to have a plate of boiled food for breakfast. Yeah, whatever. Hashtag JJ Go. Maximumfun.reddit.com. Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook.. Maximumfun.reddit.com. Jordan Jesse Goh on Facebook. The Maximum Fun Group. Hal Lublin's new wrestling show. It's called Tights and Fights.

Tights and Fights. Tights and Fights. We decided to call it Tights and Fights, Dave. That guy's a comically inept superhero. Supervillains. He just has an unusually weak power. Dave. Eight ball.

Jerry. We'll talk to you next time. I'm George Esikow. Maximumfun.org Talk to you next time. I'm George Esikow.