Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 445: The Plop with Louis Virtel

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Comedian and writer Louis Virtel joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of early sexual education experiences, how great Dolly Parton is, Jim Carrey's comedy legacy, and rental car companies "upgrading" to worse cars.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, friend? I'm doing all right. Did you have a nice time at Max Funcon East? Boy, howdy, did I.

I had a lovely time. I had a blast. Sure. The Poconos. I did a little hiking this year. Uh-huh. Did you hike to the waterfall? I hiked to the waterfall.

Uh-huh. It was lovely. It was about chest high. I was anticipating something I could bathe in. Uh-huh. Couldn't really. I guess I could have curled into a ball and rolled underneath it. Someone pitched us bathing in it.

Someone said that they had hiked out there and then wished they had brought a bathing suit so they could jump in. Sure. They must have been being hyperbolic. Yeah, I got there with, you know, thinking to myself, hey, like, just let the feeling overtake you and do what comes natural. If you feel like bathing in the waterfall, don't feel bad about shedding your clothes. God made you this way. You're beautiful. I'm saying all this to myself.

Right. And it's an opportunity to be reborn in Christ Jesus. Sure. Yes, exactly. Yeah, a self-baptismal, if you will. Yeah. Yeah, a self-baptismal, if you will. Yeah.

And then I got there, and it was about chest high, the waterfall, and the area around it was very slimy. I didn't put that on the brochure. I'm like, I guess I could strip down, roll across slime rocks, and under the waterfall, but it seemed like kind of an ordeal. So I just appreciated it. Blah, blah, nature. Blah, blah, we're all so small. And then headed back. You know what I would have done? And I'm not telling you how to live your life, Jordan.

No. The last thing I want to do is tell you how to live your life. You're your own man. I wish I would end you if that happened. Really? How would you do that? I'm not going to tell you. I might have to do it someday. I don't want you to see it coming.

Got it. Duly noted. Let's just say it rhymes with schmork in the eye. So, you know the kind of cart that a guy gets on on his back to roll underneath a car when he's fixing the underside of a car? I'm familiar with this cart. Okay. So, you get that. But you know how it's got those little hard rubber wheels on it?

Yeah. You put on all-terrain wheels. Oh, to get over the slime rocks. If I know something... So hold on. Mm-hmm. If I know anything from RC Pro M2, and I know a lot from RC Pro M2... Yeah.

You're going to want knobby tires. Sure. Okay. So you put knobby tires on there. You get down on your back. That's going to take you over the slime rock. And what's nice is you're already on your back. So rather than rolling around in it, which is what you suggested, I say you just drop your jaw and let it go right in there.

Oh, drink it up. Yeah. Get some water in there. Get some slime runoff. off man god gave man dominion over waterfalls sure adam named them in the garden exactly uh so let's just go back to this rc pro m analogy yeah for a second should my wheelie cart also shoot rockets or drop bombs uh i mean it depends i would probably get nitros first. But if you have nitros, if you have enough nitros, then, yeah, the offensive weapons are probably a good idea.

Great. Well, I think I have a strategy for the next time I'm at a chest-high waterfall. Great. Should we introduce our guest on the program? You know him as a comic and writer. He's a sometime journalist, sometime gag writer for television, which is a box in your home with shows inside of it. He's an absolute delight. He's been a beloved past guest on our sister show, Pop Rocket. Louis Vertel, how are you, buddy? Oh, good. What a very free-to-be-you-and-me introduction you guys gave over there. It was very Marlo Thomas.

Thank you. I like to think of myself as Mel Brooks, but that's fine. free to be you and me introduction you guys gave over there was very marlo thomas thank you i like to think of myself as mel brooks but that's fine i choose marlo thomas for you so okay well it's settled which 70s person am i oh hold on give me a second uh ned baity yes you did it yes i've been trying to get my son to listen to free to be you and Me. I bought it at the thrift store on LP. It's on no other format for the record. He's not interested in it. Not interested in it at all. It's very like post-hair.

Like it's very we're all out in the sun. There is nothing more 1970. I mean I listened to it when I was a kid and that was in the mid-'80s. I mean, I listened to it when I was a kid, and that was in the mid-'80s. But I don't understand how I did that and didn't grow up to be, I mean, basically Alan Alda. So I only know Free to Be You and Me as like a punchline. Right. Like a punchline for— It's like a t-shirt you get at Old Navy.

Yeah, exactly. Like kind of just a joke about how crunchy the 70s were. Can you describe this thing as it actually was to me? Well, first of all, I think it's a song that's part of a larger album or something. I think there's like a book attached to it. But yeah, I mostly know it as like a single and Maxim. Okay. And you know what?

It might be a lie. Okay. Maybe we're not all free to be you and us. Right. That's the other half of the 70s, Paranoid Thrillers. We're not free to be you and me. Oh. That's the other half of the 70s, paranoid thrillers. We're not free to be you and me. Oh, sure. And Max von Sydow's going to shoot.

You ever seen Three Days of the Condor? Sure, yeah. We've talked a lot about Three Days of the Condor in this program. I'm literally wearing a Faye Dunaway shirt, so, yeah. Okay, so what Free to Be You and Me is, Lewis is right, it was an album. I had it on a cassette, I think. But it was an album with like a book.

But the book doesn't have a lot of pictures. It's mostly the lyrics of the stuff, which is one of the reasons my son doesn't read yet. And he's not nuts about looking at lyric sheets. Okay. Well, I hate this lack of sophistication, but go ahead. And there's a combination of kind of whiter Sesame Street songs, but the good ones. Their songs are lovely. When I say that they're – I'm just a descriptive, not a pejorative, that they're whiter than the Sesame Street songs.

But they're real white. Yeah. of um like a medium grade 70s feminist sort of like a like it's a little crunchy it's not really crunchy but it definitely wants children to know that they don't have to shave their legs okay is any of it because if i was was thinking about jokes to make about this thing, it would be like, oh, and there's a song called It's Okay to Crank It, and as long as you do it in private, you know. Yeah. Are there pro-masturbation values in it? I don't remember anything specifically pro-masturbation, but you've got to figure there is. There's a whole part about uh what's the

difference between boys and girls and girls can do anything boys can do that's a big theme yeah um i don't know i mean the other thing is that i'm the odds are that i'm gonna get it mixed up with uh ruby's studio which is a contemporary equivalent it's's a DVD that you buy. And it's hosted by- You're not getting this on Blu-ray? No, but the rubies- The aspect ratio is fucked up. I know, I know. They film it in Cinerama.

I mean, listen, Lewis alluded to the fact that your son, well, he's turning out to be a little bit of a bumpkin. He doesn't like reading lyric sheets, and you're not helping him any by showing him films in an aspect ratio that the filmmaker didn't intend. But by the way, I do support that you seem to want to instill weird, crunchy whimsy in your children. Like, you sort of think they should now sing from Sesame Street, which is a good song. I'm also an obsessive Carpenter's fan. Can I tell you, Lewis, I'm from San Francisco.

Oh, here we are. My wife's from Marin County. Oh, no. And I think when we, you know, we've been together for a long time. We were together when we lived there. And I think then we were probably being inclined to take an anti-weird, crunchy, white people stuff values position. However, I think living in Los Angeles has made us long for and reminisce fondly about weird, crunchy crap. fondly about weird, crunchy crap.

Uh-huh. You know, just like whatever, having a garden somewhere for children. Yeah, cockle shells, et cetera. Wait a minute, not Victorian times. We're not talking about. You know, balancing your kids' humors, consumption, going to the seashore, these kinds of things. Polio is so quaint. Okay, go okay go ahead oh just one of my favorite yeah wait but jordan before we get into what you're about to say i just want to say there's this thing called ruby's studio which is hosted by this uh i'm gonna be perfectly frank here gentlemen look look we're all heterosexual guys that's right with my with my alan all or with my

pauline sneer you've got a fay dunnaway t-shirt on right now i'm literally sitting like like if a greyhound were sitting in a chair is what i look like right now my leg is folded delicately listen jesse you're just you're a married guy and we're a couple of bachelors a couple of a couple of bachelors. A couple of swinging bachelors. Who don't want to be tied down. But the woman who hosts Ruby's studio, which really is a nice thing. It's a nice show. Or set of DVDs or whatever it is. Probably get the Blu-rays. Sorry.

Sorry. Okay. She has that nice Mr. Rogers quality of talking to kids on camera without seeming like an asshole, like she's talking down to them, which is really impressive. She's great at it. I am also made very uncomfortable by how attractive I find her to be. Oh. She is a stone cold fox. What's her costume like?

Christian is looking at a picture of Ruby from Ruby's studio right now. And even he, a gentleman who may or may not be interested in her romantically, is interested in her romantically. Is there some layer of comeliness to her actually? Or are you completely, I mean, like, is she? No, she's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, she's fine.

All right, all right. Christian's showing a picture of her, Jordan. You can take a look. Wait, that's not Jessica Chastain. It's like the same person. Yeah, she's got a Chastain vibe. She's super foxy, and I feel bad every time I see her, I watch the thing with my kids or whatever, and the thought enters into my mind, oh, dang, she's foxy.

Yeah. And then I feel horrible about it because she's supposed to be educating my children. Well, there's that long aerobic segment. It is a little long. It ain't helping things. Can I say, though, when I was like 12 or 13, they rebooted Zoom, you know, speaking of the 70s values, et cetera. And, like, there were, like, kids who were, I'm going to say, about my age. I mean, like, when they were teaching you how to make pot pies or whatever, I was teaching myself how to make jizz.

I mean, it's just. And I succeeded. I sent in the recipe. 0, 2, 1, 3, 4. It's weird that you preheat the oven before. I know right the closest thing I got to

Free To Be You and Me was I remember coming home from a grade like a little maybe this is maybe like freshman year of high maybe okay let's say 8th grade coming home and on my bed was a book called What's Happening to Me. Of course.

I know that book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it, all of the drawings looked like they were from like one of those Harry Nilsson cartoons. I was going to say it looks a little bit like The Critic or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Everyone is very squat. gonna say it looks a little bit like the critic or something yeah yeah exactly everyone is very squat and sometimes they have just random bulges on them right like tumors they're like lumpy people yeah there are lumpy people yeah john lovett's going through puberty yeah it's what's happening

to me puberty it stinks can i tell you what i remember about that book please specifically yeah baffled by what masturbation was based on the description in the book yeah because they were like something occurs where a hand moves somewhere and like you don't hate it i mean it was like it was very like it's kind of wishy-washy yeah i still was like i'm just more confused it may or may not be pleasant who Who am I to say? I'm just the narrator of a book. And also, they're like, babies do it. I was like, excuse me, I was a baby.

What are you talking about? I was talking to a friend of mine who has a six-month-old, and she said she was changing his diaper and he started to crank it. And she wanted to laugh because it's funny when a baby cranks it right but also she was worried about sexually imprinting on him in a negative way all right i can understand that was she showing him ruby studio at the time it might have been on in the background so i remember getting this book and just being mortified at it, being so embarrassed that this book even existed. And also that same day my mom gave me a VHS tape of Cosmos. Oh, my God.

So she was really into showing you the wonders of the universe. Yeah, exactly. And Cosmos is the most boring shit in history. Oh, my God. I remember thinking, like, this is the worst day for GIFs. Like, in tandem, this awful 70s book where lumpy people pointed at each other's privates and also this boring tape about space, which sucks. This is terrible. I think when I got serious with my first serious girlfriend, my mom gave us the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.

Sounds wonderful. Which was not what I wanted. Sure. Not at all what I wanted. Like, the last thing that you want, because it's like, you know, Good Vibrations is a famous, you know, it falls into the broad category of clean lesbian dildo store.

Right. You know, like there's one called Babes in Toyland in New York. You know, like a nice place to buy a butt plug where they're going to, like, smile while they sell you a butt plug. What if there was a rule that you had to name all sex shops after, like, quaint 30s films? Yes. Bring it up, baby. It happened one night. I got my lube and my beads there.

It happened one night is not a bad name for a clean lesbian-owned. Dark Victory. That's a good one. Oh, boy. I could go all night. The Triumph of the Will. The Triumph of the Will. The Passion of Joan of Arc.

What's the one where Charlton Heston is a Mexican? Touch of Evil. That works, too. Oh, yes. A little later, though. Yeah, it's probably a little, sure. Late 40s? The Passion of Joan of Arc is just for people with really, really deep-seated emotional traumas around sex.

Not 30s. I think it works. a trip to the moon oh yeah with the train movie whatever that's called like 1902 yeah the great train robbery yeah right great butt robbery i don't know great train robbery i think is perfectly legitimate we'll work this out later so uh it's like and so the book is like there's nothing sexy about it because it's very pro-sex. And so you can't masturbate to it at all. And I don't want – I'll take that bet.

I don't – and there was nothing – there was no like instructions in it. There's no like – I mean you're 15, 16 years old, however old I was. Sure, you could use some instructions on cunnilingus. Sure. You don't know what to do down there. That's why you go to the, go to your local

bong store in the late 90s and you pick up the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Yeah, we've heard about this before, Jordan. This is your core value. This is like the one thing you truly believe in. It's that all teenagers should have a copy of The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy.

It's annoying as vice gets sometimes in the media landscape. They do a lot of good work as well. Can I just say though- Please. I mean like in health books, whenever, you at least got a view of what, like, a vagina might look like. Sure. Ain't no health book showing you, like, how to work that dude's asshole.

Well, guys, I'm just saying none of us are staring at it unless instructed to in our teens. You're right. Lewis, I have to say this to you, uh i guess you're just unlucky that your mom didn't give you the good vibrations guide to sex which is that definitely had some parts about no way not like instructional parts but like health parts oh okay yeah and that's exactly what so it has dual problems it like makes you think about sex in terms of your health, which is not what you want when you're 16. Still haven't done that. And it also makes you think of sex in terms of your mom.

Sure. Like mom, why are there so many pages folded down? Yeah. There's so many post-it notes in here. You're not allowed to want me to have good sex. You're allowed to not want me not to get someone pregnant or get a sexually transmitted disease, I think.

But that's where the line should be drawn. You shouldn't be interested in the quality of my intercourse. It will be low quality. I am 16. Do you remember ever finding a proper guide

to the ass? Okay, let me just say in general. I mean, like anything revolving around a gay sex tip you didn't find in a hell class, etc. I remember being around... Okay, so I'm born in 86. So this is like 2004

when I'm going to college or whatever. I remember having to resort to a lot of GeoCities pages about this nonsense. So these are tips on a geocities page and at the bottom there's just a rotating pot leaf with sunglasses just like the sourest gay dudes of all time being like look kids this is how it is you just spent you just spent 10 minutes waiting for something to download and then you finally open and you're like god damn it right this is a gif of cindy crawford in a bathing suit oh please oh i mean like i it was worse than that i remember in my closet today's i printed off oh my god i printed off a picture of denise richards

like like that was naked yeah just watching that color image come out of the printer with so slowly too so slowly when you printed high quality. And it uses a lot of ink, too. Yeah. Oh, I knew it was bad. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I have three brothers. We needed to share the ink.

And I was just, I knew what I needed. And it was, the star of the world is not enough. Great late Bond movie, by the way. Great mid-period Bond movie, I guess. The good news is, you know, it was expensive. Sure, all that ink made the paper ripple somewhat. Oh, yeah, it was damp. But the good news is, it worked.

That's right. Sure. And here I am now. A man. With my wife, Denise Richards. I saw her at the Burbank airport once anyway. How'd that go? You know what?

I didn't have too many flashbacks But she seemed perfectly lovely Oh good, good Did you tell her about the printing? No I only learned recently that she's from the suburb next to mine though So I should have ran up and said something disturbing And where's that?

I'm from a suburb of Chicago Not a cool suburb Okay, it's nothing John Hughes-y If you've seen the beginning of the Blues Brothers They're at the Joliet Penitentiary I'm next door to that oh that's a fun fact yeah adrian curry from america's next top model she's there i've been told we talk alike in case with a regional thing it's a regional near that field of scary fire that you're not sure why that's at the beginning of the blues brothers yes yeah right that fire that terrifies all eight-year-olds just trying to watch the Blues Brothers.

I don't remember that. Yeah, there's a whole fucking part where the camera just pans across an industrial wasteland at the beginning. Right. With those kind of like, you know, those flumes that are venting flames. Yeah. Huh. Flumes, not the right word. That's what a log goes down at Disneyland.

Sure. Plumes. Plumes. Plumes of flame. Yeah. Huh. Flume's not the right word. That's what a log goes down at Disneyland. Sure. Plumes. Plumes. Plumes of flame. Yeah. Shrooms of flames. Yeah. Flaming shrooms.

I remember the opposite of the What's Happening to Me book I found a little bit later into high school in the downstairs bathroom. My dad had a – under the towels had a hard copy or a hardback book called The Lover's Guide. Oh, wow. And, yeah, I still to this day am creeped out by the word lover. I think that's kind of universal. I think it's one of those things like moist that a lot of people just find a little bit icky. If a book has the word lovers in the title legally, it can't be printed after 1983.

Yes. Right. Yes. They burned them all. Yeah, right. Like Cheryl Teagues has to be involved in some way. Anyway, go ahead. You know what?

I feel like a lot of people are down on Ronald Reagan, but that was a real contribution that he made to our welfare. And I'll say this. And I remember flipping through it and kind of like – and it was one of these things of like you got to change up the positions if you want to keep it fresh. Like that was the – one of the guiding principles of the book. You got to switch up the positions if you want to keep it fresh. But it said it in a very clinical way. But when I'm thinking back about that, I'm like, you know what? That had a lot of different races and a lot of variety of body hair.

Oh, right. So thank you, Lover's Guide, for having a positive kind of inclusive philosophy about both race and body hair. You know why that was, Jordan? Hmm. The author of that book, did you know? Marlo Thomas. Oh.

There you go. That's very same from Free to Be You and Me. You got it. That's it. I wish she would vary her hair flip. If she had Adamus, like body hair, et cetera, you know? Yeah. Just give it a variety of looks.

What if every hair on her body was flipped that way? God, that would be great. I like that we've tapped into Louis Vertel's deep vein of Marlo Thomas. You know what? I didn't think it was that deep, but it's apparently all I am. Born in 1986,

Louis Vertel is a Marlo Thomas enthusiast. We haven't even gotten into the Donahue half of her life. Jesus. Was the Blues Brothers thing, like, was it a big thing in your town growing up? Was there, like, the Blues Brothers Cafe? Now, hold on, Jordan. Chicago doesn't care about the movie The Blues Brothers.

Well, okay. Certain people care about The Blues Brothers. I personally think it's a terrible movie well my hometown has lamont illinois two movies specifically were made there uh straight talk with dolly parton okay which also has james woods in it and okay i have one girlfriend from home uh who lives out here and she happens to be very famous do you know the screenwriter diablo cody yeah okay she's eight years older than i am. She said when they made that movie there, she's like, all the bumpkins, like they were obsessed.

I come from sort of a bumpkin suburb. Obsessed with Dolly, had no idea who James Woods was. I mean, like I'm not super offended by that, but I would have given equal attention is all I'm saying. Sure. And you know about Thief.

Right. I'm pleased. I can go on and on. And then also, more telling of where I grew up, are you familiar with the movie Save the Last Dance, which starred Julia Stiles? Yeah. I know it exists. I think that came out when I was maybe in high school.

Yeah. This is related to Step Up. It predates that slightly. This is around the time of Romeo plus Juliet. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. okay okay so yeah lots of like um girls cardigan song in the soundtrack yes lots of like it's a time when lots of blonde women with sort of tendrils are learning hip-hop okay that's what we're doing and that's one of those movies she starts off the movie in the whitest community literally in an all-white

neighborhood and then moves to new york to like learn what a black person is basically um we were the white neighborhood they literally cast for New York to like learn what a black person is basically. We were the white neighborhood. They literally cast for it and named it in the movie After My Town. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations.

In case you thought I was making up all this lily whiteness I'm showing off right now. You're the real deal. Yeah, right. Interesting. And is that a point of pride

for the town? I'm going to say no because these are both Straight Talk is like a one star movie and State of the Last Dance is a one and a halfa-half-star movie. Okay.

But to be able to say you're friends with Dolly Parton. I do think Dolly would disagree. I don't know if she remembers us, but sure, I'll claim that. Man, one time I had Dolly Parton on Bullseye. Oh, my God. You know that woman is a superstar she's fucking amazing yeah she's like the most amazing like even if she could even if she wasn't like one of the best singers there is of any genre of the 20th century uh like just all you want from the first

word that she says to you and she was in a studio somewhere else, is for her to approve of you and like you. Just any connection. Our buddy Sarah Morgan and I were emailing a couple years ago after she's from London, went to the Glastonbury Festival. This is something that she described to me, and I'm like, oh, that's like England's Coachella. And she was very defensive in saying that it's like England's Burning Man. Wow.

Which – so despite having big name musical acts, I guess it has lots of counterculture credibility, I guess. I think it's on some ley lines. Okay. Right, right. There's a lot of energy there. And she sent me a video of Dolly Parton at that festival, you know, playing one of her hits. And then at one point, you know, the band vamps and Dolly Parton goes and gets a tiny saxophone and then plays Yakety Sax. Yeah, I've seen this video. Yeah, I've also, she did that at the Hollywood Bowl.

I saw that. I didn't realize she was capable of blowing my mind that way. I guess I was thinking she did Yakety Sax like hey i'm in england here's your guys's most beloved song but she's not really playing the tiny saxophone is she it does look synced or something it's it's strange oh well also she's like speaking of vamping i mean it's like she's doing improv with the saxophone like she's like her head's in the sky and stuff. Yeah. You know what. What was Dolly like at the Hollywood Bowl.

I was the first time I had ever been there. I was with see Dolly is one of these borderline people where it is certainly cool to like her. I certainly think she

is awesome. However basic homosexuals also enjoy her and I try to get away from you know what I mean. I like it's like people who are you're an advanced homosexual. Right. It's like you know how to mean? It's like people who are too... You're an advanced homosexual.

Right. You know how to work that. It's like the Golden Girls are fine. Yeah. I don't need to hear about it ever again. I think we've sapped them for what they're worth. You can't tell that to a certain segment of the population. That is all they have.

Right. So those same people glom onto Dolly. And so I enjoyed her very much. I mean, I go deep on dolly i can tell you all like i love her weird 70s hits i love her i love she had an album called backwards barbie i like she i think she did a little bit of that so i enjoyed it on the non-basic level that i insist i am but um i think the basics enjoyed it too in the process of preparing for that interview i learned that there is a dolly parton song i really love that's just a tribute to the local doctor where she grew up.

Oh, really? Dr. Robert S. Thomas, I want to say is his name, something like that. But his full name is in the song. It's just a song about him. There's no curveball there. It's just a song about how great it was. It's not about healing a broken heart or doctor doctor it's just about how nice it was that he would go

from town to town doctoring in the mountains where she grew up and it's fucking great it's totally great fucking Dolly Parton is amazing you've heard the rumor that she has tattoos all over her body that's why she's like

she'll do like a low neckline thing. Like prison tattoos? You know what? I'm not going to rule that out, but I think they're like super colorful. I think Porter Wagoner did them. Right. Oh my God.

That's scary. No, but like, I think Jennifer Saunders said one day, Dolly Parton was like, oh, here they are. And just like whipped out like her tits.

And like, there they were. It was like all tattooed up. Oh my. Wait a minute. How advanced for the homosexual community is Jennifer Saunders? Oh, quite, I think. Okay.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I think most learned queers would know about them. But only that's not basic? Because I'd be concerned that would be too basic for you. Not that there's anything wrong with it, as there isn't with Dolly Parton who's a brilliant genius. Well, obviously there's a layer now with the movie that just came out that looks like Sex and the City 2. But I mean like anything British.

I mean it's on the cusp. All I'm saying is maybe it's because I went to art school but I don't think I knew a homosexual in high school who did not own two ab fat t-shirts. Yeah. Well, that was when you were in school. Yeah. I'm sorry. You're five years younger than me. I loved your – my mind was blown a little bit by your point that there is a group of people that you cannot talk to.

That's right. And say – period. And say that you just think the Golden Girls is okay. Well, it's just, it's like, that's their whole identity. Like, isn't it so naughty that I love the Golden Girls? It's like, nope. Just to, you know, welcome you into my world a little bit. I get really terrified every time I have the urge to say Star Trek's a little boring.

Oh, imagine. So that's mine. That's my one of those. Wouldn't you say, though, about Star Trek that its boringness might be its best quality? I guess. Let's hear it. Okay. I think it's kind of sweet that Star Trek's a little boring.

No, yes. I get it. The future is diplomacy and all races working together. And why can't we solve our problems in a space boardroom and not on a battlefield with cool guns that are cool? Yeah. I'm missing the chromosome that makes you appreciate anything that might be remotely unreal. Sure. Like, I was just trying to watch. You focus on, like, neo-realist cinema, like Ab Fab. Or I'm more in the Carol demo.

I just want to look at like Carol. I want someone with an architectural lady face thinking. That's all I want to look at. You've got a t-shirt of it right now. That's what I'm saying. I'm not making this up. Maybe if they would go to a period appropriate department store at some point and buy a train. You're definitely willing to watch outtakes from Iman's home videos.

Oh, please. Oh, yes. Maybe she has like headgear from the Remember the Time video. Yeah. Yeah, she probably does. She wears that around the house. Oh, God. Iman's a good celebrity. I hope she's doing okay. Would she not?

Well, she was married to David Bowie. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Well. So that could be difficult for her because he died. Huh. This is the first I'm hearing of it. My Iman hot take is that her silhouette looks like Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Oh, man. There's a real narrow demographic for that show. You have to be, one, a fan of supermodels of the late 80s. Sure. And also sci-fi, spoopy comedies. Sure, yeah. From the early 90s. Yes, right. I'm excited to hear your kids in the hall Grace Jones material.

Coming soon. I was going to say, what was that called? Exit 57? Yeah. What was the one? Yeah. Higgins Boys. Okay, Higgins Boys and Gruber.

I didn't know about Exit 57 because Amy Sedaris was on that too, right? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know about that until recently. Wow. Yeah. Look forward to it. It's like any sketch comedy show. You don't want to watch it.

Right. If it's old. It'll be boring. If there's a thing on YouTube That has a lot of hits That one's probably pretty good Yeah Right right Yeah just watch Number Wang

That's my solution Just watch Number Wang Watch Number Wang Watch the thing where Dave Foley Says he's sorry That he caused all the cancer Yeah Maybe Eradicator too

Watch Eradicator Yeah And the sketch where Timmy ate all the hot dogs Yeah sure And Van Down by the River There you go That's all the sketch comedy Timmy ate all the hot dogs. Yeah, sure. And Van Down by the River. There you go.

That's all the sketch comedy you need. Oh, what about the one where Kristen Wiig is laughing at Nellie and she's trying to turn the lamp off? Oh, I thought we were talking about early to mid-90s. Oh, I just started thinking about that. Oh, okay. That's cool. Can we just acknowledge that one where Kristen Wiig is doing that shimmy? She's with a silly lamp.

Yeah, right. Oh, what if I... I don't know. That's really good. Oh, and you know, I think just to backtrack, you also mentioned the critics. So your knowledge

of early 90s comedy nerd stuff. Right. No, I think I grew up in exactly the right moment for comediness because in the late 90s comedy nerd stuff. Right. No. I think I grew up in exactly the right moment for comediness because in the late 90s, early 2000s, that's when Comedy Central would play all of old Saturday Night Live and you could see just – or just even like movies in the 70s and 80s would be on all the time and we kind of don't have that anymore. Yeah.

You know? No, I know. I definitely used to like wake up at 7 a.m. on Saturdays to just start watching Comedy Central. Right. To watch like Mo Money or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Blank Man. Yeah.

Interspace seemed to be on every day. Yeah, Interspace was on a lot. The Man with Two Brains. Oh, yeah. All of Me. That was a big one. A lot of like great, in hindsight, not that good comedy movies. Yeah, lots of two-star movies.

Sure. Sure. I watched Mo Money at the Drive-In. That's good. That's a good place to watch Mo Money. That was like a highlight of my childhood, watching Mo Money at the Drive-In. I don't know what that was about. Wow. I remember it was a double bill of Mo Money and Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

And Mo Money was on first. That's what I wanted to see. I saw it. I was delighted. We watched about 15 minutes of Ace Ventura. saw it, I was delighted. We watched about 15 minutes of Ace Ventura, and somehow, somehow, I think we can all agree that, like, while neither of them is a, neither of them is bringing up baby, neither of them deserves a butt-plugged store, but I think we can say the more lasting film is Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

There's still plenty of people who love that. Yeah, and quote it and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I somehow loved Mo Money and said to my dad, let's leave 15 minutes. And I was like 10. Yeah. Isn't I?

I don't know. I feel like maybe Ace Ventura has its legacy will be. Oh, my God. were we into that? You know, like it is the embarrassing comedy of the 90s. And it's – well, it's also very specifically for – it might even be for younger than 10. I think Adam Sandler made a lot of movies in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, he might have.

I guess, you know, I – Like is it more embarrassing than The Waterboy? I maybe don't agree with this, but I'll say what I think the zeitgeist thinks. Yeah. Is that there's a couple of those early Adam Sandler movies that are still pretty funny. Billy Madison. I enjoyed Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore's got some funny stuff in there.

Yeah, Billy Madison's got those Norm Macdonald parts. Yeah. That clown who dies. Oh, my God. Yeah. Also, like, I'll Fill the Bucket or whatever that... There's a wonderful scene indonald parts. Yeah. That clown who dies. Oh, my God. Yeah. Also, like, I'll Fill the Bucket or whatever that – there's a wonderful scene. Yes. Yeah. And I think that, you know, the idea of this, you know, in the comedy nerd community is that Adam Sandler was once this promising dude who got lazy and –

He was lazy to begin with. Sure. But the promise was that he would stop being – Sure, yeah. Maybe he would get better. He would stop making movies in shorts. Yeah. But also he sort of did movies about the three real characters he had, right?

That kind of dope and then the other kind of dope. Yeah. So – We never did that Opera Man movie. Oh, boy. Oh, true. But I think that the legacy of the Jim Carrey movies is that, like, foo boy, this was always pretty embarrassing.

Like, I wonder if you could find a, like, you could probably go to the line at UCB and find a lot of dudes who will stick up for billy manson right i don't think you will find a dude who still sticks up for ace ventura or the mask maybe dumb and dumber maybe dumb and dumber there is something i mean like in retrospect because i definitely loved fire marshal bill oh yeah there's no doubt that i loved fire marshal bill and by the way people look like Fire Marshal Bill sometimes. Anytime someone is teethy, it comes back to me like a dream. You want them to show you something.

Yeah, right. You want them to let them show you something. There is something remarkable about the extent to which he did what he did. Like you do hear sometimes people say he was so amazing when he was a stand-up. Yeah. Because he was maybe an insane person the whole time. Right. Sure. Right.

Like Robin Williams. Like crazy people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was probably crazier than Robin Williams. I mean, a little less, maybe a little less sad. Oh, yeah, maybe. But, yeah, like, I feel like we're due for a reexamination of Jim Carrey where the important thing isn't that he wasn't funny at all, but rather that he was so insanely what he was.

Yeah. Who has ever made a movie that is as of themselves as Jim Carrey was in the first six Jim Carrey movies when he was getting paid $25 million? Like, just everything is in there. Everything is in there. Everything is in there. Yes. Yeah, the zaniness level was sustained for years. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Like, insanity.

Like, on-screen self-injuring talking out of his butt. Yeah. Like, in a movie, he talked out of his butt with gusto. Sure. It's not like Adam Sandler where Adam Sandler was like, eh, I'm going to do some cute stuff. And some of it was funny. Sure. And I think that, yeah, like the Adam Sandler kind of low energy goofball has aged a little better than the high energy goofball.

But maybe like just manic comedy is less, you know. I may be talking myself into Jim Carrey right now. Oh, yeah. I fucking hated Jim Carrey for 30 years or whatever. 25. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah.

I think Dumb and Dumber still there's some funny things in Dumb and Dumber when someone recalls to me. I'm like, oh, yeah. Our pet's heads are falling off. Yeah. No, people lionize Dumb and Dumber. Sure. Well, i also remember you know what went away is the cable guy and for a long time people like that's the that's the one

that shows his tail i liked i remember i saw the cable guy on a baseball trip i took with my dad um and we were in fucking wherever kansas or something uh and we went to the movie theater and saw and i already like i really loved reality bites and uh uh and i was so excited about this ben stiller movie because i loved reality bites i remember yeah i saw cable guy on the kind of cusp of my comedy nerdery and went into the movie knowing that ben stiller had directed it and being pleased with myself when his cameo came up. Because I'm like, that's the director. I probably did not see that movie with anyone. And I definitely liked it.

I think by then I had gotten to the point where I was self-aware enough that I found Jim Carrey discomforting, which is why I think I had to leave Ace Ventura. But it was a movie about Jim Carrey's desperate need for attention being discomforting. Right. No, it's sort of like what Mr. Saturday Night would be for

Billy Crystal. You know, they're like, ooh, there is something unnerving about this character. Can I move this conversation into a similar zone but for music oh i just assumed that we were about to talk about dirty work but yeah go ahead dirty work still really funny yeah dirty work is fucking hilarious it's a goddamn mess it's so funny though uh let me take your temperature. Okay. Why am I hearing party all the time so much? Oh, that's interesting.

In places that aren't a self-conscious dive bar. I'll tell you why. Please. I got party all the time on lock. Okay. Okay. Two reasons. Number one. the party all the time on lock okay okay two reasons number one uh this is i guess we should say this is like eddie murphy's pop single his novelty single basically yes so it's not a novelty

pardon me he actually had serious novelty singles this is his serious pop single yes uh the reason is number one i think rick james a monster, though he was, and he was truly a monstrous human being, ravaged by addiction. It's hard to say how much of it is his fault, but he was a monster. was also a legitimately underappreciated genius. And the ironic Rick James revival in some ways undercut the, what could have been a real Rick James revival at some point. And so now people think of him, instead of just thinking of super freak and hammer,

they now think of super freak and hammer and Dave Chappelle. Right. Yeah. Which is fine, except for that he's got a... Rick James has about six spectacularly good albums. And was a great genius. Albums. He's got great albums. He was a real...

He was in a... I mean, we could talk about Rick James all day. We could talk about the band he was in with Neil Young. Well, I'm really an obsessed Tina Marie fan, so that's my Rick James arm. There you go, yeah. And I think that Party All the Time

is a great Rick James single that Eddie Murphy happens to be singing. Okay, that's a good answer. Rick James wrote it and produced it. And I think what it is, is that it's a legit good song. I mean, Eddie Murphy is a very uninspired singer,

but he's not an awful singer. And I think, I mean, like, Rick James made hits for the Mary Jane Girls, you know? Oh yeah, In My House, love that song. So I think that the fact that it's a fucking actual jam, like I will say right now, from my perspective, perspective, Party All the Time is a real jam. And I think combined with the kind of like, ha ha ha quality of did you know this is Eddie Murphy's song. Right.

Rather than it starting with it being Eddie Murphy's song and then going to like, but it's all right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Legitimacy undercut with Kitsch. Yeah. Like I think for a long time, for the first, you know, 12 years or 15 years after that song stopped being a hit, you couldn't separate it from the irony of give me a fucking break, Eddie Murphy, you're trying to sing. But now I feel like people barely know that it's an Eddie Murphy song, that that's Eddie Murphy singing. And then so the fact that it's kind of a jam can be like the Eddie Murphy part can be like the secret sauce rather than the main ironic dish. Interesting. So yeah, I feel like a party all the time is something that I knew as something you put on at the 80s party

that everybody will think is hilarious. But now I just hear it in the grocery store and airport. Oh, wow. I haven't heard it in the grocery store or airport. Yeah, I understand if you're at a cool bar and it comes on. I get that. Either it's a music person appreciating it or it's a ha, ha, ha, look at my side mullet or whatever person putting it on.

But yeah, I feel like I am just hearing it now in the most pedestrian of places where you would just hear like hollow notes. When you say that, it makes me – But I guess side mullet guy also puts on hollow notes. Imperfect analogy. Imperfect analogy. Hollow notes are pretty dope. It does feel like the way you're describing it, like you're hearing the Super Bowl shuffle. It would be like hearing the Super Bowl shuffle.

That's exactly perfect. I'm always thrown by it. Or if Rebecca Black's Friday just came on. Right. You'd be like, what? Oh, okay. By the way, I'm just going to go ahead and recommend it. I actually never watched Glee. It's not my brand.

I'm not a musical person. Sure, sure. However. Sounds a little basic for you. I'll be. You're learning quick. Gwyneth Paltrow guest starred one time, and she sang a version of Party all the time. I'm just going to say it.

The woman can sing, and I also am a big fan of hers. Okay. I'm just going to recommend her weird kids boppy version. What are your thoughts on Goop? Love it. And I also am a big fan of hers. Okay. I'm just going to recommend her weird kids boppy version. What are your thoughts on goop? Love it. I think that actresses having to act charming and relatable is a disease. And I think Gwyneth being like, you know what I love?

Million dollar risotto is like the fucking best. You know what I love? Blood t-shirts. Yeah, right. It's a shirt made of blood. Yeah, yeah. She's like, what if she's like, it's not even real a real leather bag if your kids don't make it themselves using like a cow they stole from jay-z you know now lewis i need to get into something with you here because you've really

touched on a real cultural lodestar for me i want to know how you feel about the brief period before she died when tina marie was signed to cash money about the brief period before she died when Tina Marie was signed to Cash Money Records. But right before she died? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yes. I remember her being on The View right before she died and wondering, that's weird. Why is she on this?

What's she doing? But I didn't know she was signed to Cash Money. Yeah. She signed to Baby, signed her to Cash Money. There was a big thing. She was going to make a record for them. And then she did it and then she died. Yeah. Oh, gosh gosh I'm talking square

bistu right now oh my god that's the hottest thing anybody's ever said to me little Tina Marie I'm just a sucker for your love

Jessie Lady T we're talking about Lady T right now cool Lady T people don't know that Missy Elliott's

rap from the Sierra One Two Step song is stolen from Tina Marie anyway a lot of fun facts on this show. All I am is that. I'm Snapplecap the human.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Kyle. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi. Are you a fan of Star Trek The Next Generation? Well, that's weird because it's a corny show. But my friends Ben Harrison and Adam Pranica do a lovely podcast about it. It's called The Greatest Generation and it's on MaximumFun.org. I thought that this podcast was a bad idea, but I was wrong.

Please listen to The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Louis Fertel, person. Hey, guess what, Jordan? Yes.

Sponsor on this week's program? Oh, I mean, what? Guess what? Yeah. What?or on this week's program? Oh, I mean, what? That's what. Yeah. What? It's our friends at Casper. Hey. No, not the friendly ghost, the mattress company.

Whew. You blockhead. Oh, boy. I can't do anything right. Don't be such a blockhead, Jordan. Oh, man. My pants are on my head. The popular mattress company from internet.

Well, they sound like a wonderful company. Not that I would know, being a blockhead and all. Well, Jordan, I can confirm that they're a wonderful company. Not only are they sponsoring everyone's favorite podcast, Jordan, Jesse, Go. They sent me a mattress that I sleep on to this very day. Hell yeah. I disagree. You disagree that I sleep on that mattress?

I jacuzzi. What have you been doing in my bed, Lewis? Not nothing. A little something, something. Something. Something. They send you a mattress in a big box. They open the box.

It comes out. Everybody knows this from other podcasts at this point. But it's a great mattress. I liked the mattress so much. This is God's own truth. I liked my Casper mattress so much that I bought a Casper pillow on the Internet because I thought she would have all Casper. I was going to do all Casper, everything.

You're a Casper completist. Like Jay-Z says. Sure. You know? I got Casper on Casper on Casper. Right. Yeah, sure. That's right before his Audible rap.

You got it. You got it. You got it. If you don't like your Casper mattress, you can send it back within 100 days. Free delivery. Painless returns. Made in America. Why am I still using this cadence? Guess what?

$50 towards any mattress purchase. It's easy, Jordan. All you have to do is visit this URL. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. Have you got a pencil? I do. Ready to write it down.

Standard or mechanical? One of each. Great. One in the left hand or one in the right? You got a pen in my... Two in the right hand. Yeah, I got, boom, mechanical left hand, standard, right hand, pen in the ear. Oh, you got one behind your ear, too?

No, in the ear. You got one in your ear, like hanging out like a flap? What? Like a flange? I can't hear you. There's a pen in my ear. Let's go to casper.com slash jjgo. Use the promo code jjgo when you check out.

Terms and conditions do apply. If you're wondering, Lewis. And I was. Yeah. Casper.com slash JJGO. Also, Jordan, we got a show coming up in Anaheim, California. Yeah, we're going to be at the Now Hear This Festival in Anaheim, California. Well, that's in Anaheim, California.

That features many of America's greatest podcasts. Yeah. This is a festival for podcast fans, a kind of a Comic-Con for podcasts, if you will. Podcasticon. We're going to be there on Sunday. I think at 1 o'clock is our start time. We're going to do a live JJ Go.

We're going to have some great guests. It's going to be tons of fun. But also, if you buy tickets to this thing, you can see Comedy Bang Bang, How Did This Get Made, Marc Maron. Don't like it, don't like it, don't like it. Well, some do, and they could see it there. Is Tina Marie going to be there at all? Yeah.

Speak my language, honey. Yeah, this is in Anaheim, not heaven, where she currently resides. For now. So yeah, if you want to get tickets to this thing, you go to the nowhearthisfest.com. I added a the you go to the nowhearthisfest.com. I added a the. It's just nowhearthisfest.com.

Tina Marie specifically is in the wing of heaven that's only for white people that black people think are cool. Which hovers over Orange County, luckily. Sure, yeah. So she'll be looking down upon us. Yeah, giving us a salute. Along with Johnny Otis. Yeah, nowhearthisfest.com. There's VIP passes for meet and greets and stuff.

Going to be tons of fun. Yeah, I think it's going to be a delight. Hey, Jordan, guess what else? What? We got some up on the Jumbotron. Let's hear about it. It's a message for Rob from her friend Claire. Wait, his friend Claire, I presume.

Yeah. Hey, Rob. I got our good friends Jordan, wait, his friend Claire, I presume. Yeah. Hey, Rob. I got our good friends Jordan, Jesse, and guest, why, that's Louis Vertel, to wish you a happy anniversary. That's because I love you so much, more than Michael, Dolly, Dairy Products, and dancing combined. Thank you for being my, I think she's probably talking about Dolly Parton, don't you?

It's hers. I don't know any other Dollys. She probably met Madison. Yeah, right. The Michael is Buble. I think we all know that's true. We all know what Michael he's talking about. Unquestionably.

Thanks for being my hilarious, helpful, and handsome better half. These five years of marriage have felt like a thousand. Wait, sorry, I misread that. Have been incredible. Been incredible, yeah. The font's weird. I can't wait for the next 50. UBC, your BC.

We got to figure out what UBC means. Yeah, BC means. Sounds raunchy. You blow cocks. Your blow cocks. There you go. Done and done. Have fun blowing your cocks.

Very romantic message. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap and easy, and you can have your real-life heroes. Why, yes, that's us. Jesse Jordan and Louis Vertel. Ranked. Who will come back for every Jumbotron message. We should have more personal retribution Jumbotrons, don't you think?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like Scarlet Pimpernel style, like ruining someone's life. Yeah, message to Francis from Martha. Watch your back, Francis. Sure, I'm coming for you. We're willing to do I'm coming for you message. We won't threaten you ourselves.

We're not violent men. No, we can be harbingers of doom. Sure. I'll binge that. Why not? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey there, European MaxFunsters. Do not miss your chance to catch

some of your favorite MaxFun shows live at the London Podcast Festival, September 22nd through 26th. See amazing guests like Armando Iannucci, Josie Long, and Romare on stage with Jesse Thorne during Bullseye. Bust a gut at classic panel show hijinks with International Waters. And witness some tough but fair internet justice dispensed by Judge John Hodgman himself. The Beef and Dairy Network show is already sold out, but hey, at least you can enjoy being in the proximity of the premier expert on beef animals and dairy herds, right? More guests will be announced soon and tickets are going fast.

Go to MaximumFun.org for tickets right now so you don't live a life steeped in regret. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Louis Vertel, arguable person. We had a great time at Max von Kahn East. I want to thank everybody that came. Thanks, gang. Just what a joy and a delight. And especially, you know, there was like 75 McElroys and Smurls there. And it really gave it a family vibe. Sure.

I appreciated the family vibe. Every windowsill had a pie cooling on it. Especially since several of those Lady McElroys are with child. The whole thing felt fertile. It did. It felt very fertile. Like a crescent. Like a lot of manure had been dumped over it.

You know? Just very rich and fecund. Sure. Is that how you say that word? Yes. Yeah. I was going you say that word? Yes. Yeah. I was going to say a Lamaze class, but you went with other metaphors. They both work.

One's not better than the other. A pile of animal shit is what I went with. One's not better than the other. And again, there was a pile of animal shit in my Lamaze class. I don't know what that was. Okay, well, let's see. They don't teach Lamaze anymore. Did you know that?

Are you kidding me? That's some free-to-be-you-and-me shit. It's gone. Oh, God. What has it been replaced with? Pregnancy Pilates? You don't even lamaze anymore did you know that are you kidding me that's some free to be you and me shit it's gone oh god what has it been replaced with uh pregnancy pilates you don't even do any you don't do any you're not supposed to do rhythmic breathing you're you're supposed to hold your breath you're supposed to breathe naturally yeah then you hold your nose and blast the baby out right yeah you feel stop it stop it stop, stop it. Boy, yeah. I feel like I saw so much Lamaze humor as a kid. Right.

Yeah. And then the mom yells at the dad, I hate you. You did this to me. I feel like that was the most common joke in the 90s. Right. And jazzercise was a big thing. I think jazzercise got in the Garfield. I mean, I think it went real wide.

Yeah, yeah. Nermal probably did a little Jazzercise. Oh, yeah. You didn't see the Garfield about Lamaze class? Garfield on the town of Lamaze or whatever. Garfield gets knocked up. People forget about Garfield's gritty TV movie years. Boy, yeah.

Garfield on the town. Garfield in the rough. Yeah. Remember when they did that crossover between Garfield and Spencer for hire? Did they really? No. I was going to say. That would be pretty.

No, you think you're being crazy if stuff like that happens. What's your favorite thing like that, Lewis? Crossover-y? I feel like inside your mind there's something like that. Well, I know like when 227 would go on Wheel of Fortune. You can tell us about the time Desmond Tutu was on Battle of the Network Stars. You don't know how he looks in shorts. We're talking about a Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island kind of thing.

A lot of that. Yeah, sure. When something momentous happens to you, like you're stranded on a desert island, you can't figure out how to get off or even how to get food. And then all of a sudden, whoa, look out, there's Curly Neal from the Harlem Globetrotters. Look out, there's Curly Neal from the Harlem Globetrotters. Well, then, we ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions, 206-984-4FUN. Oh, what I wanted to say about MaxFunCon is we recorded a show about MaxFunCon. That will be coming out on the feed at some point.

And then we also recorded a Q&A at MaxFunCon. Yes. That will be on the donor feed for those of you who are maximum fun donors and uh we were both uh said a lot of dumb things and there was a surprising amount of like uh heartfelt sincerity uh and oh here's a fun fact about that uh by the way you should listen to it if you're a donor if you're not a donor fucking donate yeah maximum fun.org donate dumbbell and don't be a blockhead so something this required a lot of preparation and maybe even some mild illegality. Yeah. A woman from Canada brought Canadian malt beverages for me to drink. Yeah, she sure did.

Lewis, for you, there's a weird running thing on the show that I don't understand where people want me to try malt beverages even though I don't like them. You brought it upon yourself. Sure, yeah. It's self-imposed somehow, I guess. This't like them. You brought it upon yourself. Sure, yeah. It's self-imposed. Somehow, I guess. This is like your cinnamon challenge or your YouTube-y whatever. Yeah, yeah. And a woman brought some from Canada.

They were very gross. They had lovely cans. The cans were far more attractive than the malt beverage cans over here. Although one of them was a goatee. Oh, yes. One of them was an implied goatee. Sure. But just like very design focused.

Very lovely. Yeah. Hangover destroyers, these things. Gone. Gone was the hangover from the previous night. Four sips into this thing. Really? God bless Canada. No way. It's a beautiful country. Oh, that's bizarre. Anyway. Queen and country. Sure. Loonies. No way. It's a beautiful country. Oh, that's bizarre. Anyway. Queen and country.

Sure. Loonies. Hockey. I mean, need I go on? Politeness. Yeah, right. Stop podcasting yourself. Stop podcasting yourself.

Snow. Our debut album. Rick Moranis. Jagged Little Pill. Right, Moscow. Oh, my favorite. Mm-hmm. So, do you have a couple more Canadian things to say

or should we take a call? I'm waiting for you to say something so I can say Anne-Marie. It's fine. Go ahead. Dave Steeb. Oh, nice work. You want to say Anne-Marie? Nelly Furtado. She's like from Vancouver. That tracks. I don't know that, but that tracks. Yeah, she seems Canadian in her affect. Yeah. Yeah, she's Portuguese

Canadian, yes. Sorry. Pardon me. Thank God we got that clear enough. All the Nelly Furtado fans are like, oh my God, thank you, finally. I'm so glad he said it. They're livid anyway, but now they can be less livid for one second. Yes. I had it on the tip of my tongue, but then like a bird it flew away. Oh, I bet.

Yeah. Sure. Let's take our first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Oh, I bet. Yeah. Sure. Let's take our first call. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, amazing guest. This is Alan calling you from Scranton, Ohio. Shit.

I bet. This is Alan calling from Scranton, Pennsylvania, an hour away from Max FunCon, where I would not be had it not been for an amazing miracle that a pilot did that I've never heard of done before. I was flying in from Savannah, Georgia, where there are possible hurricanes, tropical storms, everything is a nightmare. The pilots weren't allowed to take off. They were canceling flights left and right, and our pilot wanted to go home. So they canceled his flight, and everybody in it had to go home. But as we were de-boarding the plane,

the pilot got on the intercom, said, screw it, everybody get back on the plane, I'm uncanceling the flight. And we all got back on the plane, and we flew it and made our connectors, and now I'm here in Scranton, Pennsylvania, waiting to get in my rental minivan to drive to Max

Suncon. Love you, boys. Have a great day. Jordan. Yeah. I got a couple important things to say about this. Okay. The first is I think it's amazing that on board ships and airplanes, the captain can do anything they want. cruise uh boat party dot biz i was completely in awe of the fact that the captain literally is the law on a ship because there's no country so the captain could murder someone and say for the last

five minutes murder is legal on this ship sure and everyone would have to be like well i guess so they got that hat on that actually happens most of the time. Yeah. Typically. Typically, it's an older person who won't be missed. Right. So you don't hear about it. But, yeah. You, like, throw them on a nice sculpture, right? That's usually how they do it.

That's how they kick off the first dinner. Yeah, precisely. Finding an infirm person and impaling them on a nice sculpture. Like, if someone was, like, watching a movie on their laptop, but they weren't wearing headphones, the captain could be like, is there an air marshal on board? Shoot that man. Yeah. And it would be like, well, law of the skies. So that's one amazing thing.

The other thing that I want to point out is that that voice we just heard. Loth Reaper. Oh, from Reddit dot com. Yeah. The most popular Reddit name on the whole MaximumFun.reddit.com yeah the most popular the most popular reddit name on the whole maximum fun dot reddit.com is law threeper oh um uh known as threeps uh at this point uh i met him at max fun con and i gotta tell you this i think this is gonna mean a lot to threeps not a weirdo he didn't sound weird to me he didn't't sound weird. He was very not weird.

You would think that- Good enunciation. Given how much of his time he spends talking about our dumb podcast on Reddit, you would assume that he was a real weirdo. Yeah. Big men's rights activist though, right? Yes. But cool about it.

Yeah. He's pretty chill though. Yeah. He's like yeah I mean I don't really believe in rape per se but like

um I do think the pilot he was talking about was hilariously temperamental I was picturing like a Laurie Metcalf character get back on the plane she's good at everything

yeah including that plane including yeah good friends with Norm MacDonald great on that plane taking her back to dirty work there oh that's right it has great laurie mccastor so uh yeah so there's threeps for you i met him he's not weird they put him on the list right there with rich tacular's

not weird rental minivan i noticed in that uh it was just him bragging oh okay then he can afford the upgrade yeah yeah i felt emasculated by that. Yes, I was cowed. Is there anything worse than when you rent a car at the rental car place and they're like, you know what? I'm going to give you a free upgrade. And then they give you something that, while more expensive, is

definitely worse than whatever you would have had? I fell for that this time. I had the guy say, oh i think uh if it's this is how he did it if it's okay with you i'm gonna give you a free upgrade and he put me into a ford focus i don't know what i was getting before i was getting one below a ford focus uh first of all ford focus instead of a shift to shift gears has a knob yeah i've tried to use that fucking knob in a rental car before oh man very weird i don't like it's like uh yeah it's like a

dial that you twist into reverse i mean like it's looking like a clown nose based on what you're doing with your hand yes it's a lot like a clown nose yeah yeah um it's like if a clown's nose was in charge of an essential safety feature on a car. Perfect. Like if it could threaten your life. Something you might need to get at fast if there was an emergency. And the Ford Focus is pretty big for that kind of car. Yeah.

And as I was driving it, I'm thinking, oh, great. I just got into a bigger car that I'm uncomfortable driving. Yeah. I should have stuck with the little guy. I would have been less worried. I was driving and I'm thinking, oh, great, I just got into a bigger car that I'm uncomfortable driving. Yeah. I should have stuck with the little guy. I would have been less worried. Jordan, I would have been thrilled to get a Ford Focus. Outside of that knob, I'm fine with a Ford Focus. Nice fit and finish on a Ford Focus.

I rented a Toyota Corolla. Yeah. That was the category that I rented, Toyota Corolla or similar. And he said, well, what kind of car would you like? He's walking me through. This was an enterprise rental car. They really want you to know that you're being taken care of while they sell you the insurance. A guy gave me his business card on the way out.

Yeah. And it was just a business card. And he had his name written on it on a piece of tape and put on the business card. Whoa. Yeah. Which is like, just and put on the business card. Whoa. Yeah. And. She's like, just don't have a business card. Yeah.

I said. Just write your number on my hand. Scream your name as I leave the room. Charles. He said, what kind of car would you like here? And I'm like, uh-oh, this guy's trying to trick me into upgrading. Can I put you into a Mustang? And I'm like, a Toyota Corolla sounds fine.

Because let's be honest, what sounds more fine than a Toyota Corolla sounds fine. Because let's be honest, what sounds more fine than a Toyota Corolla? You know what I mean? I mean, I think, I mean, I'm remembering their jingle from the early 2000s.

Toyota Corolla, fine. Yeah, you got it. Then everybody harmonized. Yeah. And he said, okay, well, you know what? I'm going to give you an upgrade.

He put me into a Jeep Compass. What a fucking garbage heap that car was. That is an amazing name for a rental car. I think the well-worn joke that you get, the rental car you get you've never heard of and don't know anyone who has one. Yeah. Jeep Compass is a great name i have never driven a car so new that i disliked so much except for one time i got a kia rondo that was pretty sad but yeah this fucking jeep was just a shit box with but 95 miles on it like i felt like i should be happy that I was driving a brand new car. I mean, how often do you get that feeling?

But God, yeah, just awful. The idea of a Jeep is just upsetting. I just like, what's with the shape? I feel like they were very in vogue in the early 90s and you were impressed by something. I just, again, missing the chromosome that makes me into that. I'll take a Jeep Grand Cherokee right now. Sure. You know where you can get one of those?

Wheel of Fortune. They seem to never run out. There you go. They've got a deep supply. Also, Lewis has been checking in on Wheel of Fortune. Oh, that's true. Yes. Right.

Okay. We got one more call. Let's hear it. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Go. This is Kevin from New Jersey calling in with a momentous occasion. Jordan, hi, Jesse, hi, Go.

This is Kevin from New Jersey calling in with a momentous occasion. I started listening to your program two years ago while detoxing from a full-blown heroin addiction, and I just got a coin from my 12-step program celebrating two years of sobriety. So thank you guys for my sobriety. It's pretty great. Bye. You're welcome, Kevin. Yeah. I'm glad that our podcast is now a viable way to help people kick heroin.

It's called Harm Reduction, Jordan. Sure. So you get your methadone, you get your Jordan Jesse Go. Basic science. They give people VHS copies of 9 to 5. Sure. There's a few basic things that they started doing in Vancouver, British Columbia, and they found were really effective in terms of reducing overdoses and getting people off what I call the junk. Mm-hmm.

I call it the plop. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Is that because you're always pooping yourself? I just like to make up names for street drugs. Oh. That's nice. The plop.

It's just kind of fun. There's something B-movie about that. Right, yes. Yeah, it's equal to the stuff. When you say there's something B-movie about it, you mean that it seems like an animated film that Jerry Seinfeld wrote? Yes, precise.

That's exactly right, yes. Thank you. With the voice of Jerry Seinfeld. Congratulations. That's fantastic. You know, heroin is not only difficult to kick, but you can become anhedonic when you're off of heroin, which is to say that you you're essentially your your pleasure chemistry in your brain kind of blows out a little bit. And it's hard to walk around in the world and just be a happy person. And so I'm glad that our show is compounding that for you. Sure, yeah.

There's no doubt. There's no doubt that this is making things worse. Something about Bee Movie. Jerry Seinfeld did some sort of tweet or Facebook or whatever social media that Jerry Seinfeld is on. Going, I've heard a lot of people talking about B movie too. Should I do it? Like asking, asking the world if he should make B movie too.

And I think something maybe he half understands or doesn't fully understand is that B movie to little internet wieners is kind of like Shrek and Arthur and Thomas the Tank Engine and is that it is something that little wieners like to meme. You know, those memes where it seems like the thesis is that nothing means anything and nothing matters? Right. B-mo movie enters into that like you could the b movie character will come in and glasses will go on its face and then a joint will go in its mouth like i think he sees that as legitimate fandom for b movie but yeah anyway it's

like the bleakest american statement that he said that right he's like you know what i hear a lot of people are missing the marriage rough anybody want want to go crazy with me? I think people legitimately like Arthur, though, right? Yes. Yeah, Christian's nodding very emphatically. Christian's a younger millennial. And then, yeah, and this is something that I don't fully understand. This is something that I pace around the cusp of and look at and try and figure out. And I guess—

To paraphrase Chance the Rapper, by the way, we've been doing this podcast since Arthur was Anteater. Sure, right. way, we've been doing this podcast since Arthur was Anteater. Sure, right. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. Anyway, but from what I understand, Christian, you can nod or give me a thumbs up. B-movie occupies that same space of look at this dumb shit from when I was a kid, right? Or is it like Griffin McElroy in Space Jam, where I think Griffin really likes Space Jam, maybe? Huh.

Yeah, that's part of that soup to me, too, that I don't fully get. Griffin, you're going to have to write in and tell us how you actually feel about Space Jam. We won't tell anyone. I just need to know. I think it's terrible, right? Space Jam? Oh, I certainly saw that in the theater, yes. I think I also saw Space Jam. I remember there was a time in my life where I maybe thought Charles Barkley was kind of

rad. Yeah. Like, he gets it. Well, he fucked Godzilla off. Right, right. And I think we all thank him for that. Yeah. I remember Sean Bradley being a punchline for a long time in the 90s.

Yeah, well, because of his height. Right, yes. Isn't he tall? His extraordinary height. I made a George Mirosan reference recently. God, that fell on dead ears. You know, he was in my- Oh, come on.

That's my giant. Right? It's your giant. That's America's giant. Oh, I know why. Because he looks like Michael Phelps. That's why. Technically, I think he's Croatia's giant or something like that.

Phelps does- Yeah, Phelps does- He's the most out of proportion, proportioned man. Like, he's perfectly proportioned as all champion swimmers are right but also yes he is notably like he's got two long arms like he always looks like your former warriors forward donyale marshall he always looks like you're squinting at him even if you're not squinting right like am i seeing this guy clearly oh i am he looks like that yeah he's an athlete who also looks like Dee Snider.

I mean, it's just like I don't know where I am on figuring out where he belongs on the spectrum of sexuality in regards to me. So, I mean, just in terms of attractiveness. Where yet right now? In this moment. I mean, I know it's a shifting thing. It's a continuum. Right. It's changing. Don't put me in a box.

But I will say. Well, we know not to put you in a box. I wouldn't dream of it. That's the last thing you're interested in. I wouldn't dream of it. That's the last thing you're interested in. I wouldn't dream of it. I'm going to say he's a six rising. Okay. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like being 37 is going to look good on him. What about the guy who peed on the thing? Ryan Lochte? Yeah. Well, first of all, his hair was like green yellow, which is no.

Right. So less of that. But in general, you know what? A dummy of that level, there is an enigma to him. Yeah. So I'm going to say he has power. The romance of the dummy. Yes, right.

Yeah. The allure of the dum-dum. He has a certain dunder-headed sensuality. Right. No, he might fall over in a cool way. I can understand. Like a real cool. He just tips over

like, whoa. Right on my shoulder. Like he asks it as he hits the ground, start me up, starts playing. If you've got a momentous occasion

for us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. You can also email us jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Louis Fertel, anything detective. Man detective. Oh, sure. Well, you certainly sussed out Ryan Lochte's hair color. I know, right? I could have gone on and on.

Chartreuse was what I meant. Got to the bottom of that situation. Hey, I want to mention I'm about to head out on tour with Judge John Hodgman. Almost all of the Judge John Hodgman shows on that tour are sold out. There's a couple places where there's a couple tickets left but i do want to mention this which is i we are headed to london england uh to the london podcast festival uh and there will be other max fun shows there uh dave holmes is going to be there with international waters uh uh the beef and dairy podcast which is totally amazing is doing its first ever live show there. But what I really want to plug is Bullseye.

We are going to have Armando Iannucci. Ooh, amazing. One of the greatest geniuses of comedy ever. We're going to have the brilliant and charming and beloved multi-time Pastor Jordan Jesse Goh guest, Josie Long. And we're going to have the brilliant musician Romare. He's on Ninja Tune, a very important label, and his music is really, really something else.

I really like it. And we'll probably have another interview guest too. We'll see who that ends up being. But if you live in London or you know somebody who lives in London, tell them to get to that show. The ticket link is at MaximumFun.org, or you can just Google the London Podcast Festival. But I'm going to really level with you. The ticket link is at MaximumFun.org, or you can just Google the London Podcast Festival.

But I'm going to really level with you. Nobody knows who the fuck I am in London. So just tell somebody they can go watch a guy interview Armando Annucci who's going to do a good job or whatever. Or go see Romare or go see the great Josie Long. It's going to be a hell of a show. I'm also going to be on Pappy's podcast. Pappy's a popular English sketch comedy group. Pappy's. Pappy's.

Sounds like fun. Pappy's Flat Chair Slamdown is what it's called. From memory, I think. It's a fun name. It's a lot of fun. Anyway, London, England. You got it. You know what I'm talking about. Sounds. Yeah, sure. Both of those things. Vowels, consonants. I mean, you name it. Conjunctives. Don't know what that is. Rick of those things. Vowels. Shit, yeah. Consonants. I mean, you name it.

Yeah. Conjunctives. Mm-hmm. Don't know what that is. Rick Moranis. Rush. Oh, this is fun. Wayne Gretzky.

Saying things. Kelly Gruber. Mm-hmm. Okay, well, there we go. There's a show for you, folks. Our delightful guest, Louis Vertel. Oh, my God. I've sat here like a grasshopper.

I'll fold it up for you for two hours. I've loved it. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that you brought up Three Days of the Condor. I think I've forced that into the conversation the last three episodes. It's an amazing movie. I will. I'll say this about Three Days of the Condor. Is it that he looks like Martina Navratilova because he does in that movie?

No, but that's really cool. Martina Navratilova is really cool. I want to be friends with martina i think she's like very badly yeah she seems like i wish she would be an awesome pal um but anyway uh i have made a blanket statement uh that while i have a tv vcr at my cabin and i have amassed quite a collection of vhs tapes including most recently clue the movie which i wonder what I will think of not being nine years old. It's the movie I've seen the most times. I'm interested what you'll think. Okay.

However, all of that having been said, I have turned down many VHS offers of donation from various people's basements. They've offered to send me all of their VHS tapes. I've declined. I am accepting copies of Three Days of the Condor. Simply because I've been unable to find it on VHS and I feel that I should

watch it on VHS. I have the French connection. As the filmmaker intended. Yeah. I think it's better than the French connection. And you know what? I will also accept copies

of The Thomas Crown Affair, but not the new Thomas Crown Affair, which I keep seeing and getting upset by because I don't want to watch the new Thomas Crown Affair, although it was fine. I'm going to blow your mind. I think it's better than the first one. Really? Rene Russo is such a, like, she runs that movie. It's not really about Pierce as much. I'm basically friends with Rene Russo.

You should know that. Oh, really? She was amazing in nightcrawler and she really loved me and i'm gonna marry her one day you know what you're sorry dan gilroy the writer director of nightcrawler who's married to her oh right she didn't get to wear a cool uh like chignon like uh faye did in the original but exactly you're gonna going to need a chignon. Don't you think, Jordan? Nah. Nah? Nah.

Nah. You don't need that. Christian Duenas on the board this week. You just need a nice hammer. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, he might even be back on the next episode. He's coming back. Brian's going to be back.

Listen for those giggles. Yeah, listen for those giggles. However you feel about them, positive or negative. Sure. Hey, if you're a new listener, prepare to be alienated. Brian laughs real loud and it leaks into the studio. It's just who he is. He's our friend.

We like him. Maximumfun.reddit.com. You can go chat about the show or on Facebook, just like Jordan and Jesse Goh, or join the Facebook group for Maximumfun.org. You can follow us on Twitter. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. Louis is at Louis Vertel, right? That's right.

V-I-R-T-E-L, if I'm not mistaken. You're the best, yes. And Louis is spelled L-O-O-O-O-I-S, right? Right. Dollar sign. That's right. Cool. Yeah.

That is really cool. You know who gets at the kids? Yeah. We'll talk to you. The kids who love Arliss. Yeah, right. All those Arliss fans. Dude, where's the Arliss memes?

Oh, I don't know. Can you guys? Okay. You've listened to the end of this program. You're a true blue fan. Where's the Arliss memes? Yeah. Let's get some Arliss memes and hashtag them JJ Go.

Oh, by the way, have I addressed, if you have corrections about Jordan and Jesse Go, where to send them now? Yes. To the Star Trek guys. Have I addressed my feud with the Doughboys? Yes. Okay. I resent them because their podcast is too good. And we send them, yes, at Benjamin R and at CutForTime is where you send your corrections now.

Great. Well, it's what they call an anti-climax. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Thank you.