Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 447: Live at MaxFunCon East with Robin Thede and Kevin Avery

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

Comedians and writers Robin Thede and Kevin Avery join Jordan and Jesse live on stage at MaxFunCon East.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey gang, this is Jordan. What you're about to hear is a Jordan and Jesse Goh episode recorded live in front of an audience at Max Fun Con East in the Poconos. That's at the Pocono Manor in Pennsylvania. Poconos. That's at the Pocono Manor in Pennsylvania. Kevin Avery and Robin Thede will be our guests. And just a

little bit of info going into this. I was late to the show because I didn't know what time it started. I wasn't off somewhere shooting heroin or something. So, you know, honest mistake.

Stop giving me shit about it. Gosh darn it. MaxFunCon, if you don't know, is a gathering of podcast fans. If you want to find out more information about that, go to MaxFunCon.com. Yeah, I'll be back a little bit later with a couple of messages. But for now, enjoy this very, very funny, if I do say so myself, live episode. Jordan, Jesse, go! Go! 10 o'clock, huh?

10 o'clock, huh? Yeah, I feel like we need to give some backstory for folks listening on the recording at home. Eric said to me, okay, I'm just going to go up and get things started. And I said, great. And I was kind of in a half-awake daze. Sure. And he started introducing, oh, you know, this is how you write momentous occasions.

This is how you... By the way, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, Jesse, go. And I was looking around. I was like, I don't remember Jordan coming in here. And I had to walk on stage while Eric was about to say, please welcome Jordan Jesse Goh and say, hey, is

Jordan here? Funny story. You guys are gonna love this. Classic misunderstanding. I thought it started at 11. Okay, well, there you go. Kind of a letdown, I know.

Sorry. Yeah, I feel like that story should have been like, well, my wife's boss was coming over, and I had to make a souffle. Yeah. He said, if the dinner didn't go well, I was fired. It was a very weird boss. Hey, listen, we actually, this is sort of my fault.

We both make mistakes. Sort of my fault is the resort gave me some announcements to read that I was supposed to read on Friday, but I forgot to read them until today. So we still have a few hours left. So we thought that we would just get into them, if that's okay. Yeah, just a little bit of housekeeping. Shouldn't take long.

Yeah, the resort gave us these, so we're just going to read them verbatim. There's no jokes here or anything. It's just very serious. So, first of all, you may have heard rumors that the hotel was the location of a series of grisly murders that were committed by an undead monster, the man with one hand. Those rumors are false. The murders were committed by the kitchen staff. Another announcement here.

Some guests are concerned that they might not look cool while rowing the canoes. Well, rest assured, when everyone sees you paddling around in that hollow woody, you'd best get ready to paddle around in a river of dick and or pussy. Again, these are just verbatim straight from the hotel.

Oh, yeah. For those of you who might want to take a dip and get toasty, just be aware the hot tubs will be closed for the next 48 hours due to an outbreak of horniness. A word about acoustic guitars around the campfire. This is an important one. The resort has an extremely permissive policy, encouraging tunes up to and including

Blackbird and Redemption Song. But a word to anyone attempting Crash Into Me by the Dave Matthews Band. Please, seriously, please, give me a fucking break. I mean, Jesus, you give a guy some rope and he hangs himself. Christ.

Oh, this one is sort of an inspirational one. The resort here at Pocono Manor would like to remind you that this summer, it's all about you. Full speed ahead, let go of your fears, impregnate whoever you want.

The staff at the inn at Pocono Manor are tired of hearing how their hotel is like the one from The Shining. Now please, line up in front of the rabbit man for blowjobs. Yeah, that's the announcements from Pocono Manor. The Shining. Rabbit Man or Dog Man? Who's given those blowjobs? I heard Dog.

So just, when you remember that joke later, pretend that I said Dog. Should we recut that for the tape? Just real quick? All you have to do is just say Dog Man and then everyone laughs. Okay, guys.

Clear edit point. Dog man. Here's why that doesn't work. The punchline of that is not dog man. It's blowjobs. I'm sure at some point we'll say blowjobs and get a big laugh. You can just double it up. I don't think these people would laugh at something so juvenile.

Yeah. These people are sophisticated adults. Blowjobs are for children. Real adults do anal. By the way, Travis McElroy is like standing behind everyone, and he went, uh-huh. He gave us a winning smile and a big thumbs up. Travis, is that checkout?

Okay, good. Thank you. Let's introduce our guest, Jordan. I would love to. We have a brilliantly hilarious, charmingly talented, and beautifully spectacular guest on the program this morning. She, until recently, was a head writer of The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, as well as an on-air correspondent. She's a past beloved Jordan Jessico favorite. She taught an amazing class yesterday here at MaxFunCon. Please welcome to the stage the great Robin Thede.

Fantastic, hi! Hi, everybody. Oh, my God. We're all best friends now. I shut that party down last night. Who was with me? That party was awesome. Robin, you were describing to me before we went on stage.

I wouldn't say describing to me. Let me recharacterize this. You and Kevin Avery were trying to piece back together the timeline of last night. Yeah. It seemed like you had it up until about 11, and then you remembered that at some point the party ended. Yes. And then from there, you knew that you had not gone to sleep, but weren't confident about anything beyond that.

That's true. And let me preface this by saying, I don't drink. You're just running off pure adrenaline. Well, and heroin, yes. Oh, okay. No, I don't. I'm not kidding you. I lost about an hour and a half of time.

So I was concerned that I had murdered you, which is why you didn't make it here. That is true. We do have a contentious relationship. Very contentious. Can I ask you a quick question? Are you prone to fugue states? Maybe.

I seriously don't know what happened. I left the party. So the party shut down at what time? Like midnight? We got kicked out? All right. So then I was out in the little vestibule. I don't know.

Is that a word? And then I was out in the little vestibule. I don't know, is that a word? And then, and then I went to my room. I don't know, and then I looked at my phone and it was 1.30.

I don't know what happened. I genuinely, this is not even a joke. I genuinely don't know what happened. Robin? I might have fallen asleep in the hallway.

I don't know. We're waiting until now to tell you. Oh, God. Is it on tape? You're pregnant. And we're all the father. This is the best Maury ever.

No, you know what? I think what happened was I went to my room, and then Forensic Files was on, and I just lose time. I love that show. So you did rage. I did rage. You guys, can I just compliment everyone on their dancing skills?

I gotta be honest, I was concerned going into the party. Really? Why? Why would you be concerned that this group of podcast fans might not be the funkiest? You know what? It's actually not that. It was that

when I started my class yesterday, someone came in and said, you're down one person because she broke her clavicle on a horse. And I was like, oh my God, they're injury prone, this group. I'm concerned. Is she okay, by the way? Was it the lady from, have you guys all logged into the Wi-Fi? When you log into the Wi-Fi, it sends you to the Pocono Manor website. And it presents you... Great landing page, by the way. It is a gorgeous landing page. One of my faves.

One of the things that happened when they sold this hotel a few months ago was they replaced that landing site. So Eric and I had seen the old one, which is a little worse for wear, a little GeoCities. It just had a rotating pot leaf with sunglasses on. But they replaced it with this slideshow of photographs.

And, you know, it's like a shot where, like, you know, there's a golf ball about to go into a golf hole, and behind it is like a handsome guy with a... One of those golf holes. You got it. You got it. You got it. And there's some people, there's like a plate

of food from the fine dining restaurant here at the hotel. But then there's just this model holding a horse, and I swear she looks like she's about to fuck it. I swear she looks like there's nothing else that could be in that picture.

So I think we know how that clav else that could be in that picture. Yeah. So I think we know how that clavicle got broken. Oh, that makes sense. Catherine the Great style. Yep. Well, worth it. Hashtag worth it. That's all I'm going to say.

Can I tell you something funny about, you said geosities, and that just made me think of something funny that I always try to share with everyone I've ever met. Space Jam, the movie, the original Space Jam movie, the original website is still up. Do you know this? If you don't know, okay, you guys are

hip, so you know. But the people who don't know, check it out. It's mad old. It's just like a time machine. It's just like, let's leave this up just in case people still want more information on Space Jam. Oh, by the way, Bob Dole's original website is still up, I think. And actually, it's so weird.

Bob Dole's page has a little page that introduces all the Monstars. It's very weird. You guys, this is so informative already. I'm glad that Space Jam website is up because I feel like if there's one thing the internet is missing, it's talk about Space Jam. Hello! You know, the inconsequential and not particularly great movie,

Space Jam. Sorry, Greg. That's what I'm here for. I love you, buddy. Hey, man, those are the only kind of references I have. Inconsequential. We talked a little bit in the announcements about the kind of like feelings of danger around this place. Yeah.

And I kind of like wondered, because I don't get a particularly creepy vibe from this place. I think it's homey and nice. But I was looking at the map for the hike and there's a structure called the Trap House. Well, you better

believe I steer clear of there. Fun fact, if you listen to a lot of rap music, particularly from Atlanta, they talk about the Trap House. Very different, I have a feeling. Very different. As my friend Admiral Ackbar would say, don't go near that house.

It's a bad house. I'm friends with Admiral Ackbar. And people are leaving. Oh, man. Bye. Bye, McElroy. That was terrible. They've got like an eight-hour drive ahead of them.

They were like, trap house, we're out of here. We got to get trapped. So if anybody wants to end up in a net later, that's where you go. Or anybody wants to score a few rocks. Yeah. Robin. Yes. So this is, so you are on, it's a long weekend.

This is, so you are on, it's a long weekend, but you're also coming off of being at a really, really intense five or six or seven day a week job. Yes. How are you dealing with vacation? Do you have the bends? Is it weird? Yeah, I feel, you know what's interesting? Because I went to L.A LA right after we got canceled and then

this week I came here so like next week I feel like I'm gonna start like slipping into the deep depression of unemployment but like for now I'm good yeah I'm dealing with it it is interesting though it's nice you know it's like all this stuff happens um right after we went off the air know, it was like Trump started yelling at black people and being like, what do you have to lose? And going to Mexico and telling them weird... They just all sorts of fun stuff we would cover on the show. So I feel like he waited until we went off the air to do that, which is rude.

Yeah, it's like we could just wait a little more and then all of a sudden get real crazy. I know. Do you find yourself compulsively writing current events jokes? Oh, yeah, I still do. Well, that's why I taught that class. That's why I was like, no, I think it's nice, actually, not to have to be such a news hound, but like, oops, I don't need that.

And so, yeah, it's nice, but at the same time, I still find myself compulsively seeing what's going on in the news. That may go away. But you're easing back. You're down to just Yahoo Tech and Worldstar. Yeah. I am not giving up Worldstar or Yahoo Tech. You know, it's funny.

Could we get together like a co-branded enterprise from Yahoo Tech and Worldstar? Yes, that would be amazing. It's just people getting drunk and fighting over the new iPhone. Yeah, someone throwing a Samsung Galaxy Note at someone in a Denny's parking lot. Yeah.

Worldstar. Yeah, I feel like people, when people hear that, I don't know if you have had this experience, but when people hear that you write for a late night show, they're like, oh, you're probably loving this election.

The jokes write themselves. No, it's terrible. First of all, jokes never write themselves. That's not a thing. If it was, I would never have a job. It's actually much harder because Twitter is so amazing and people are so funny and, like, they do all the jokes before you get on air.

So even doing a daily show, it's, somebody actually said to me this weekend, the nicest compliment I ever got was that, they said, on the nightly show, I never saw a joke that I read on Twitter. Which we tried really hard not to do because, I mean, all of us were obsessive on social media anyway. And it was like we didn't want to do something if somebody, even with 100 followers, like, had done a really good joke. We were like, we're not joke stealers, first of all. But we just wanted to push ourselves to have more of an original take. And that was a challenge every day. But it was fun. I kind of had that situation come up of, like, yeah, just kind of Twitter beating you to something.

that situation come up of like, yeah, just kind of Twitter beating you to something. There was a time a couple weeks ago when Bae had me like... Yeah. Oh my God, wait a minute. Time out. It is Beyonce's birthday today, by the way. Is it?

We can just have a moment of frickin'... Well, not even silence. Just the scream was good. It's Bae Day, guys. Hashtag Bae Day. How are you guys celebrating Beyonce's birthday? Rocking it out at the end of the Pocono Manor. Clearly.

Here's, guys, can I get a little political on you? About Beyonce? Yes, please. Bey for president, right? God, that is the cheapest applause line of all time. It really is. If you guys are ever on stage and you feel like you're losing the crowd, just yell Beyonce for president.

Jordan, there have been applause lines in this fucking MaxFunCon. The first applause line was when Justin said, I'm in therapy. The second huge applause break was when I said a family had been camped out outside this room playing Settlers of Catan all day. That was a huge applause break.

So there's a Ford Focus in the parking lot with its lights on. Happy birthday, Beyonce. You did it. You know Beyonce's like the same age as Britney Spears? I didn't know that. Yeah. Just make of that what you will.

Britney Spears is in conservatorship. Did you know that about Britney Spears? There was a big New York Times article about that. Like Britney Spears not allowed to run her own affairs. Yeah. That's been going on for a while. Did you know Adele's the same age as Taylor Swift? Yeah.

That's weird. Right? Her music is 40 years old. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Do you guys know that Steely Dan is the same age as My Chemical Romance? I just wanted to do one of those, too. I don't think that's true.

You know what? I'm going to get controversial here for a second. Please do. I think Adele is a really good singer. Like she has a strong voice. That's just something that I like about Adele. I don't know. You know what, guys?

I didn't sign up for this kind of podcast. Really. It's okay if you want to leave. We understand. Yeah, I got to go. We understand. Adele's great. Adele's last album, I had somebody, a writer on my show,

was really convinced that Adele's last album didn't have enough pain in it. He was really mad about it. He's like, she's happy. I don't like her happy. And I was like, let the woman live. I think it's our responsibility to create some sort of tragedy for Adele. Maybe assassinate a beloved

relative of hers. I wish Adele nothing but the best but I think we want that juicy music. There is an element there's something nice about having like because it had been a while with all the kind of like European dance music he auto-tuned vocals to somebody who's singing is just overwhelming like they're just a thousand out of ten like I was in I was

in the look you got a pretty active uh and uh diverse social life i was in the antiques mall here in the poconos on friday and uh the whitney houston i will always love you from the bodyguard came on so good and i was just like yeah like forget 11 out of 10 there's like 17 out of 10 like just she may have just died from that one take no no and it just took 15 or 20 years just to clear it up it's pretty pretty evident but it's just like there's never been a like... This song is insane. It's absurd. Yeah.

And the drugs as well. She did a lot of drugs later. Have you guys seen some of the houses that surround this place? Yes, they're beautiful. They are... Okay, so this is the world that we're broadcasting from. The houses around this place have names like they are forges from Game of Thrones.

There is literally a giant mansion that is called Stonegate. Yeah, and Air Castle. Air Castle? Yep. Oh, boy. Now, is that one hovering above us on a series of... You have to check it out. It's down the road a piece.

What's crazy to me is the contrast between these giant fucking mansions, and then you drive down the main street of the town, and it's just like it's all vape stuff. Like, there's no, like, what are the mansion people doing when they're in the town? Vaping. Yeah, vaping, I guess. But it's like folksier than normal vape shops.

It's like, the flavors are like pie cooling on windowsill and autumn mist. The first day of school. One of my favorite folksy vapes. A new trapper keeper. Fresh pair of kids on my feet.

Smelly erasers. Love those smelly erasers. What are the rich people doing in Pocono, Pennsylvania, the town that we're near, right? The businesses in the town, it's like there's like... When we were here last time, my wife is a very serious coffee addict

and a very serious coffee snob. And she made me drive her to the best coffee available was a starbucks inside of like a log cabin themed indoor water park holy shit that's around here yes and i'm not at it? Yeah, I know. There is absolutely, we had to literally walk into a water park to buy a latte. And that was the best, where's the person who lives at Stone Rocks

or whatever it was called? You're like, oh, can I get some cream for this? Like, oh, it's at the other end of the Lazy River. It's a chill at the Lazy River for 40 minutes before you can get to the coffee creamer. God, I want to be at that so bad. I hate all of you keeping

me from this water park. Yeah, I just, it's a culture that is confusing to me is all I'm saying. I don't know what's going on here. If you guys had a manor here, and had to give it some sort of crazy Game of Thrones name, what do you think it would be? Power Fist.

Okay. I'm going Dongsforge. Like, this is the home of a mighty dong. Mine would be the Rock Shire. I don't know what that is. That kind of combined Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, which got weird. No, no, I like it.

That's probably illegal. I'm sorry. No, it's, you know, it's the Shire, which is, you know, which symbolizes, you know, home and comfort. I'm getting a lot of nods from the audience. They're like, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, work with it.

And then rock. Look, Air Castle was taken. What do you want me to do? All the good names are taken. And then you have rock, which symbolizes might and strength. So it's a home. It's a home where if you fuck up, you die. Plus, it's a perfect place for you to have the annual

festival that you host with your Lord of the Rings rock band. That's true! Now it all makes sense. You guys gonna come? You're all invited. What's that kind of music called? It's not called fleek. Filk. You know what that kind of music

is? It's like folk songs about Lord of the Rings shit, I think. Yeah. Is that right? And spaceships. And spaceships. Yeah. Combined in the same song?

Whatever you want. Sometimes it's, thank God there are some filk experts here to set me straight. Thank you, Joe. I appreciate it. Man, God, I want to get wasted at a filk show. God, I've always wanted to be a filk star meet a gal with some hairy feet hobbits have hairy feet

right yeah thank you do lady hobbits have hairy feet they do okay you don't see a lot of lady hobbits you know it's tough that's true yeah let's talk about the inequalities in the hobbit community thank you there's definitely such a thing as a That's true, yeah. Let's talk about the inequalities in the Hobbit community. Thank you.

Right? There's definitely such a thing as a filk star, but what I would like to imagine is like a filk sideman, like a filk session musician just comes in and lays down a tasty Sauron riff. We're bringing in a lute guy. He just plays the lute. Hey guys, Jordan here. Hope you are enjoying this live episode.

A couple of cool announcements. First of all, this Jordan Jesse Go is sponsored in part by Tommy John, the solution to uncomfortable underwear. We actually got a box of Tommy John stuff shipped to us. Let me say this is very, very comfortable underwear. I typically am not a man who buys underwear that is more expensive than just the pack that I can get at Target for under $10. This is actually one of the first nice

pairs of underwear I've owned has been this Tommy John stuff. And it is really, really terrific. Soft, nice, cradles the junk. I don't know if they would want me to say that in the plug, but I'm saying it. Cradles the junk nicely. Tommy John underwear. They have a best pair guarantee. If Tommy John underwear isn't the best you've ever worn,

it's on them. There is free shipping in the continental U.S. for all orders over $50. I suggest you take advantage of this stuff. They have a lot of good stuff there, undershirts, socks, and of course, the aforementioned underwear and styles such as briefs, square cuts, trunks, boxer briefs, and boxer shorts. So yeah, a lot of good stuff over there at TommyJohn.com. I'm wearing it. I recommend it. It is the best. Definitely a fun thing to treat yourself to if you're not used to splurging on the under things. slash JJGO and enter promo code JJGO at checkout. Again, for 20% off your first purchase, go to TommyJohn.com slash JJGO and enter promo code JJGO at checkout.

Thing two, something on the Jumbotron today. This is to Jason from Bethany. The message is, what a great five years it's been. You've introduced me to such wonderful things that I now love, such as Jordan, Jesse Go, and the rest of the fantastic MaxFun podcast by extension. I can't wait to see what else we will discover and what adventures we'll have together. Happy five-year anniversary from one sweetie to another. Oh, Jason and Bethany, you definitely sound like a couple of sweeties. No goofy

specifics here for me to dick on. I don't know. Maybe you guys are Ren Faire enthusiasts or furries or something. That's silly, if that's true. It's probably not. You're probably just a nice couple of folks. If you want something up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. One more quick announcement. If you guys are going on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. One more quick announcement. If you guys are going to be in the Southern California area, Jesse and I will be doing a live show at the Now Hear This Festival. NowHearThisFest.com. This is a festival for all things podcast.

All your favorite shows are going to be there. Us, Marc Maron, Comedy Bang Bang, Lauren Lapkus. The list goes on and on. Basically, every podcast you could want to see under one roof. Southern California, October 28th through 30th. And we got a promo code if you want 25% off those tickets. Go to NowHearThisFest.com, put in the promo code JJGO, and you get 25% off your three-day passes. We've been teasing the fact that we're going to have a guest at this show.

And we've been teasing it because we didn't know who it was going to be. But now we do. And I think I'm going to continue to tease. But I can say it's a couple of guests that we're very, very excited about. It's going to be a podcast crossover. One, people have been asking us for online a lot. When are you going to get these folks? When are you going to get them?

When are they going to be on? When are we going to see the crossover? Well, it's going to be at the Now Hear This Fest, October 28th through 30th. So, yeah, I think that's all I'm going to say about it. But I think we'll say specifically who it's going to be in some time. But just to, you know, percolate excitement a little bit, I think this is going to be a very cool show. It's definitely a very cool festival.

So go there, get those tickets, put in JJ Go for 25% off. Yeah, enjoy the rest of the program we live in morally questionable times, and it's good that in these times of uncertainty, one man is here to tell us what can hang it up and keep it up. Here's Jesse Thorne with Hang It Up. Hang it up! Hang it up! Using the letter Y as a vowel.

It's confusing to me. There are already plenty of vowels. Why? Just make ya sounds. Hang it up, using the letter Y as a vowel. Hang it up, brands. I swear, just say the word brands to me and I will hit you, and it will be the first time I have ever hit anyone in my entire life. But breaking my no-hitting record will totally be worth it

because that's how much I hate the word brands. Hang it up, brands. John Sully Sullenberger. I don't really think this. You just have to say things and be convincing about them. Hang it up, John Sully Sullenberger. Controversy.

Honestly, controversy makes me uncomfortable. Admittedly, I'm a people pleaser, but still, hang it up, controversy. Grandfather clocks. Too old, too tall, too bing-bongy. Hang it up, grandfather clocks. And now the other side of this coin. Here's Jesse Thorne with Keep It Up.

Keep it up. Keep it up, ice cubes. I don't know where they come from. I don't know what they're made of. But boy, do I love these wet little drink coolers. Keep it up, ice cubes. Swedish Fish. These delicious red treats are a delight anytime, anyplace.

Just don't put them in the ocean. What happened to my music? Keep it up, Swedish Fish. All the energy comes from the music. This isn't a funny bit. Pill organizers. Don't take too few pills. Don't take too many pills.

Take exactly the right number of pills. You'll feel better. Keep it up, pill organizers. Pictures of dogs. Yeah, pill organizers! Pictures of dogs. Yeah, I see you there, dogs. Looking good! Keep it up, pictures of dogs. Stunning vistas.

Wait, what? I'm supposed to talk? I was stunned by that beautiful vista! Keep it up, stunning vistas. Put that on eBay. Fun fact. Yeah? I was late.

I, uh, not, listen, I'm not trying to get a woo out of you people. No, I'm not. But, blowjobs. Happy birthday, Beyonce! Our next president! Yas, queen. Queen of my life, queen of everything.

Wait, hold on, queen. Queen of my life, queen of everything. Wait, hold on, Jordan. Have you seen the, somebody sent me the video of the Pokemon saying Yas. Oh my God, sounds amazing. Oh, it's so amazing! It sounds amazing. I don't even like Pokemons and it's amazing. One of the Pokemons goes, Yas. Yas. I think my favorite genre of web video is making something that would not normally say yas say yas.

Yas. Yas. Yas. Something that wouldn't normally say this. Were we allowed to do Pokemon Go this weekend? I've heard. No. Was anybody doing it?

We were allowed to. A couple people. The rest of you are over it. Like, no. Yas. Yas. Yas. Over it. people? You guys, the rest of you are like over it? Like, no? Yeah. Did you guys catch any Gryffindors? Good for you. I was at a funeral and somebody was doing it.

Not kidding. Oh my God, really? Yeah. Are you sure they weren't just catching the deceased's ghost? No, no. No, I genuinely, I looked on their phone and i was like holy shit you've caught grivosaur yeah it was really bad it was it was the same funeral it was okay this is telling way too much but it was the same funeral where a relative of oh god oh yep i already started

relative of mine lined up the four kids on the casket before it went into the ground so they could take a picture, and it became her Facebook profile picture. Oh, my gosh. Violation! Yep, that's what happened. That's not even an exaggeration. I mean, am I wrong to be appalled? No.

No, right? Like, that is, in what world is that okay? Hanging with grandma one last time. Hashtag heaven, hashtag fit fam. Seriously? Hashtag squad goals. Squad goals, yes. Squad goals.

Funeral squad goals. I mean, if that happened to me, I was the dead person, you best believe I'd be up in the Pocono Manor rattling some chains. Hell yeah. Like I said, I was called down here from my room. Sorry, yes.

I sleep in the nude. Especially in those clean, clean hotel beds. I like to get all my, rub my business all over those probably not gross sheets. So I just threw on shorts. I'm not wearing underwear.

Anyway. Yeah. Everyone is reasonably grossed out. I get it. I get it. Actually, I'm into it. Cool. Thanks. I've heard there's a Bulbasaur or two around. Can anyone confirm that there's a Bulbasaur?

Yeah. Yeah? Nice. I'm getting a thumbs up. Cool. That was it? Quit it. Demogorgon.

I don't know. Are we just saying words? I don't know. Are we just saying words? I don't know. It's kind of freeing, podcasting without underwear. There's a nice, it's streamlined. Has that been my problem this whole time that I had underpants on? Yeah, you were being restricted by the man. Yep.

The big fruit of the loom, big loom. Yep. Oppressing you. Big loom. Yep. Oppressing you. Big loom. Yeah. Big loom. That's what Bernie Sanders was talking about. Yeah.

Jordan, are you feeling, like, sexual at all? Somebody goes, ooh! I mean, I could be if it's a lead-in to the next bit. If it's just general conversation, no. But if this is a setup for the next thing we're going to do, oh yeah. Who me? Segway? Nah.

I prefer to call them sexways. You never fall off this ride. It's got an internal gyroscope. My dong's got an internal gyroscope. Well, let's welcome our next guest onto the stage. He's a rival late night writer,

a writer for the John Oliver This Week program, which is exactly what it's called. He's also a stand-up comic who was attacked by a wasp yesterday. It was a hornet. Please welcome to the stagely pull out a wedge. This shit's for real. It's not good.

What kind of underwear is that? They're boxer briefs, but they're not... Kevin, I don't got that problem. I'm not reaching back there. All he has to worry about is his outer clothes going into his butt. Yeah. I don't like that I brought this up again. Sorry, everybody. My shirt is tucked into my pants, and my pants are tucked into my butt.

Outer clothes might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. Kevin, can we hear more about this wasp attack? What? We heard a lot about this wasp attack. It was a hornet. It's very different. Is there a truncated version for the folks at home? I tried to go to the lockpick class.

I sat down, noticed the giantest of giant wasps, or hornets, walking around the carpet on our outside there. Do you know the difference between a wasp and a hornet? One is big as fuck. The other is like, I'm a wasp. And so, but this hornet, I've never seen anything like this. And so nobody else seemed to see it at first, which I guess that was wrong because somebody saw it earlier and then didn't say shit. But I was trying to focus, and the whole time I couldn't because I was like, what's the hornet doing now?

And how close am I to being attacked by it? And finally I watched it crawl up a guy's shoe and up his pant leg, and that's when I got the fuck out of Dodge. You did not warn the man. You just ran. I didn't want to cause a panic. No, I get that. They were all having fun.

He was dead anyways. He was as good as dead. Save yourself, Kevin. I broke the hell out of there, and then I couldn't get back into the hotel because the door was locked so I should have stayed for the lock picking class now Kevin here's something that I noticed about your stand up comedy set last night

which was a delight right folks thank you Kevin Avery give me a break from the hit podcast Denzel Washington is the best actor of all time period. Greatest actor of all time period.

Yeah, I probably should have mentioned that at a podcast festival. I just never, what are you going to do? But Kevin, you dedicated a not insignificant amount of the time to New Edition. It's still the shit, yo. Like, I... It's still the shit, yo. Like, I wanted... Like, I'm really interested in, like, what part of your brain

is occupied with, like, day-to-day and contemporary concerns, such as your job... Sure. ...getting dinner... Yeah. ...you know, romance and dating... Mm-hmm.

...and then what portion of your brain is just occupied by like DeBarge I feel like there's a big part of your brain that's the DeBarge part of your brain DeBarge pops up 90's R&B occupies a lot of my brain on the regular

DeBarge is one of those groups that pops up every now and then, just kind of like, remember DeBarge? And then we all go, yeah, how are they? Oh, not good. And then I just sort of move on. DeBarges have had a rough fucking go of it. Robin, is this how you feel about the Space Jam website? It's exactly how I feel about the Space Jam website.

Like, oh, they've had such a rough time. My favorite part about DeBarge is El DeBarge, the main DeBarge, your top DeBarge. Yeah. You know, like they sang some real pretty songs. Yeah. Some real pretty songs. All this love. And like the only work that El DeBarge has right now, besides, I mean, I'm sure he's, you know,

that L. DeBarge has right now. Besides, I mean, I'm sure he's, you know, he's playing, you know, package concerts at state fairs in Los Angeles area. Nothing wrong with that. The kind with those, the kind with like the rainbow colored posters that transition from higher to lower. That's right.

And it just says DeBarge with guy and mint condition and just keeps going and going. Yeah. But like L. DeBarge is... And Tony with an E. Tony, Tony, Tony. with Guy and Mint Condition and just keeps going and going. But like L. DeBarge is... And Tony with an E. Tony, Tony, Tony. Just Dwayne Wiggins of Tony, Tony, Tony.

Yeah, I know the names of all the members of Tony, Tony, Tony. Do you guys know who DeBarge is? Are you familiar? Okay, just checking. 80s into 90s R&B group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But L. De Barge is always,

Elder Barge gets a guest shot on every DJ Quick album and like 75% of Snoop Doggy Dog albums. Yeah, for real. What? Elder Barge is on hell of DJ Quick albums. Really? Elder Barge and DJ Quick are fucking thick as thieves. And I said something, I and DJ Quick are fucking thick as thieves. And I said something.

I interviewed DJ Quick one time. And I said something to Quick about L. DeBarge being on so many of his albums. And, like, what is L. DeBarge up to? And I maybe, like, implied that L. DeBarge was, like, an R&B dude. You know, like, kind of like a soft dude. Yeah. And DJ Quick, who, who like definitely carries a gun. Sure.

Small of your back. Like DJ Quick was like, oh no, L. DeBarge is hard as fuck. Yeah. L. DeBarge is real. And I was like, who is this 45-year-old man? Dude, first of all, they're from Oakland. Yeah.

They're from the fucking hood. And a lot of them have spent time locked up. Chico. Chico was locked up. Did a whole album about it. Yeah. I don't understand. El DeMarge had a comeback album with Rick Ross.

Yes. Recently, right? A couple of years ago. And it wasn't bad. We listened to it. It wasn't bad. He performed at the hip-hop awards. Yeah.

So he's doing his thing. He's doing stuff. He has bouts of employment Awards. Yeah, so he's doing his thing. He has bouts of employment and then bouts where he just falls away and you worry about his health. It's not a joke. Which is why we shouldn't laugh, but let's do it anyway. Did he just get out of jail recently?

Like the last few years? Yeah, they're always kind of in and out of jail. So he is hard as fuck. He's got a lot of street cred actually he's gonna be alright he'll be fine it's like in

ten years down the line or whatever we learn that like Drake has killed a bear with a knife yeah it's like oh wow Drake was

actually pretty hard that feels very that fits though that's the Canada version of the Oakland shit that DeBarge is up to. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That works. That works. Clocking you in these woods, motherfucker. That's that hardcore Canada shit. Yeah, you know how the fuck we do in Canada. I just punched a wolverine. That's right. Maple fool, maple leaf, motherfucker.

Instead of tears on his face, he just has like little bear paws. I got all these bears. I just strangled one of those mean gooses. I think this is the perfect time for my signature hip-hop album title idea, Tappin' Mapes and Stackin' Papes. Yeah! Thank you. Bravo.

Best thing I ever thought of in my entire life. So good. And if you're out here, smokes of course But Kevin I mean the reason The reason that I mention How hard to barge is Is because You yourself are a former Let's say that five times fast

Hard to barge The reason I mention is You yourself are a former R&B superstar. Well, we use superstar loosely. I don't think anyone's ever used it, actually, so it's loose as fuck. But, yeah, I was in an R&B singing group a while ago. While she audibly gasped. The horror.

It's him. He's really here. I knew he looked familiar. Yeah, we were... I was in a group called... We were called For Now. Oh, hold on. The number four. The number four and now.

Don't clap. There were six of us. I'm not kidding. I'm not making that up. There were six of us I'm not kidding I'm not making that up there were six of us hey uh Frank wants to join the group is that cool fine but we are not changing the name we didn't do the math Frank you brought Ted

I was an English major I wasn't responsible for counting all the motherfuckers in the group but it was my fault because we were, like, one of our first performances actually our first performance we were doing this show. We hadn't thought of a name yet. We couldn't agree on it.

Was the fight between calling the group four now and calling the group six now? We had no... I kind of like Six Now. Shit. Six Now. What? Let's Have Six.

Oh, that's a good one. Nice. Well, no. I want to six you up. So good. How about this? What about Let's Fuck? Yeah. I mean, that's where R&B groups were headed.

After Cool Hats, I don't know why that wasn't a group. Yeah, just like, you know, like deep dicking. Like, I don't know why that wasn't the name of the group eventually because it was just working its way. Dim Guts, parentheses, up in them. That's the title of your hit song. Dim Guts, parentheses, up in them. That's the title of your hit song. Dim Guts, parentheses, up in them. I like that.

Very split room on that. Some wild applause. Some just shaking your head in disgust. Will trade dance moves for pussy? I feel like that needs a sign. We'd have to bring a hardboard sign. Well, that's where they ended up. Yeah, basically.

Somebody got really sad. I know. Behind the music. Yeah, no, we just couldn't think of a name. And so before the show, we were at rehearsal, and this woman came up to me with a clipboard and was like, hey, what are we calling you guys?

What's the name? And we were like, oh, fuck, we still haven't done this. And I looked at her, and I'm like, for now, we'll just be for now. And I went back to what I was doing, thinking we would remember to change it. No one remembered. And cut to us, the night of the show we're standing behind the curtain and ladies and gentlemen and we're all ready and excited for now what the fuck

curtain rises who did that shit and that stuck six assholes on stage for now and then we changed it to we couldn't think of it after all we decided we on stage for now. And then we changed it to we couldn't think of it like after a while we decided we hate it for now so then we decided

to be my favorite Forces of Nature. Was that also spelled with the number four? Also Forces of Nature. But actually Forces spelled appropriately. Nature had a four in it. Yeah, it was weird.

N-4-T. And then we threw that one out, and we decided to... Because after a while with Forces of Nature, everyone was like, well, which one of you is Air? Which one of you is... So then we were like, we need a new name, y'all. And for some reason, we decided Alias,

which sounds like an 80s hair band. And that's when the group died. But you, did you sing in the group? Yes. Yeah. But every group has their main singers. Like, you know, you can break New Edition down. Like Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill, Bobby Brown.

They were the main. Ricky Bell, even. They were like the singers, Bobby Brown. They were the main... Ricky Bell, even. They were like the singers of the... But then you had your Ron DeVoe and your Michael Bivens, you know, Bell, Biv, DeVoe, who just kind of did harmonized and shit,

rap. I could do a little... throw a little verse in there and just be... and do some choreo. I wrote a lot of the music. And so I contributed. I did some shit. Are you going to lay a verse on us now?

No. I don't remember any. Why would you do that to me? I don't remember. Why would I do that to you? Because you just said that you rapped in an R&B boy band. I know. Why would I not do that to you?

I'm a professional. I'm so thirsty right now. Let's see here. Keep in mind, this was the 90s. This is going to be about Space Jam. Finally. Finally. It was this like?

A hip, a hop, a hibbit, a hobbit, a hip, hop, a hibbit. Is that it? No. Objection. Here. I don't know. I'll get you started, Kevin. Presto, introducing Mr. Manifesto, the kid prodigy, right?

The Don with the Zesto. Another mental product of my alias crew. Slips on the blue K-Bed mask, don the headphones too. Then like mentally I'm there, dwelling in his chair, chilling on his own while he's, I can't remember. I fucking, I love it. That's very good. I love it.

I love it. I'm sorry, that was terrible. That's very 90s appropriate. That was awful. That was, I'm embarrassed because Gene's hair. No, you worked in Zesto. You won me over. Gene Gray's hair.

I also loved Zesto. Zesto. You like the Zesto? Zesto's great. It's so period specific. Wait, wait. When are we there? Chilling is all we're chilling.

I do just what I do. No, no. Don't remember the rest of it. We're good. Now it's driving me crazy. Now this week is all hornets and raps for me. You're not in the R&B group anymore. No.

It's been a long time. You still have Zesto, your signature Cajun seasoning. I have my Zesto. Put it on chicken. That's what we were all about. All of our songs had, yeah, it was like an Italian theme. But like my, you know, we recorded, let me pour that sauce on you. Let me give you that spicy meat of all.

Remember that commercial you did for Zesto? How did that go? You know, let's go to the Olive Garden. That was my favorite. Unlimited soup salad and my dong. I'm gonna fuck you in that lasagna. That was a big hit.

That's not a breadstick. Parentheses, it's my dong. Just to be clear. Double parentheses, thin penis. Every good R&B song has parentheses. All my rhymes end with, uh-oh, Spaghetti-O. Kick a can. Now, Jordan, it's funny that Kevin,

what a coincidence it is that Kevin is up here and he's got all this R&B experience because I know that you've been interested in getting into the R&B field. Yes, I have, Jesse. That is very true. But I mean, the part of the R&B

world that I'm mostly interested in is the non-singing part of the song where you break it down and talk to the ladies. This part of the song that starts out, girl. Sure, sure. Yeah.

I think I did a little bit of that. Oh, I mean, I should hope so. Yeah, definitely. But, so I thought maybe, you know, I mean, obviously you're a professional who has years and years on me, but I thought maybe it might be fun to have a little... But watch the throne.

Yeah. Are you throwing down a little bit of a challenge? I am throwing down a little bit of a challenge. Are you guys ready for... We could throw on some a saucy slow jam. Here's what I'm thinking. We're going to do one round.

Okay? We're going to do one round, okay? We're going to let Kevin go first, because Kevin's our guest, and Kevin's a veteran. He's earned the respect. Same instrumental, both tracks. We're going to see who can get more pussy sweat in here in, we'll call it about 60 seconds. This is a basement flooding contest. Yes. Okay. Okay.

Kevin, do you think you can handle this? Yeah. Yeah, let's do this. How much? Yeah, 60 seconds. That's a lot. Okay. Shit. Let's see what you got. Kevin Avery, ladies and gentlemen. Kevin Avery. Woo!

Alright, guys, let me get it. You got to get, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, girl. Hey, girl, I know we've only known each other for a short time, but I've been clocking you since you walked into the club. And ever since I seen you, you know, I just want to take you, buy you a drink or two, maybe a bottle, get some champagne, that VIP service.

Except, you know, bar's cash only and I only brought this one debit card, so. That's cool, because when you saw me seeing you, I could tell you knew what I was thinking. I was thinking it's been a long, long time since I've looked at the stars and seen someone's face. But now I see your eyes and I make out that smile. Beautiful lady smile on me for a while. And I knew when you looked at me, you was thinking, hey, those are the eyes of a killer. It's alright

though. Because when I look at you, I see love. I see our future. I see the love that my mom had for my mother when they were together. You know, before the divorce, shit got rough, and I just, you know, it's kind of tough still to work it out. I mean, I was six at the time, but shit stays with you,

and I just need your support. I'm looking for a lady who can just kind of cuddle with me, maybe give me a teddy bear. And I guess what I'm just trying to say is, I just want to lay your body down. Drink you up. Lisa, you the girl for me. You know that.

Oh, I'm sorry. You are not Lisa. Sorry, shit. My bad. Sorry. Kevin Avery! Hey, girl. Kevin Avery!

I can't help but notice, Jordan, it's getting kind of humid in here. It's a little swampy in this conference room. Speak for myself. That's going to be tough to beat. That was very sensual. Are you ready, Jordan, to bring the raging river? I think I am, yes.

Jennifer, drop that beat! Hey, girl. Now, before we get bizet, I want to manage your expectations. Really, give it to you straight before I give it to you straight. This bed of

music might give you the impression that I'm a thick-dicked fuck machine, but in reality, I'm an unimpressive man with a so-so penis who gets tuckered out real easy. So if you want to go ahead and put my D-

in your C+, we can let the kinda- kinda whatever times roll. First I'll lay you down on my bed after dusting the sheets with a wet towel to remove the cat hair. Then I'll put the cat out of the room so she doesn't start batting my balls around

during our seven minutes in heaven. My door actually doesn't close all the way because it was painted over, so she might be able to squeeze through. But I guess I could put some food in her bowl, so she'll be busy with that for a while. Anyway. with that for a while. Anyway. Back to our trip to scenic East Pound Town. I'll do it to all your parts

while I whisper in your ear suggestions for where we can get food after. I'm open to whatever. Oh, I forgot to ask. Do you have any dietary restrictions? I'm a to whatever. Oh, I forgot to ask, do you have any dietary restrictions? I'm a meat eater, but I do know some really good vegan places. Yeah, I'm open-minded.

Anyway, I'm done with sex now. Do you want to grab food? Or, I mean, I could eat, but I'm not starving. I mean, we could watch TV. I finished BoJack Horseman, but I would totally re-watch it. Girl. Ladies and gentlemen, move over. I'll be sure there's a new king of R&B.

I think it's Jordan Morris. Al B. Shore. There's a new king of R&B. I think it's Jordan Morris. I'm going to hand for the great Kevin Avery as well. I'm Barbara Gray. I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. We're Lady to Lady. Do you want a sleepover in your ears?

Is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me? We're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym, on the subway, or on an oil rig. Seriously, we have listeners who do that. Chill with us while we get high with Margaret Cho. Talk showgirls with Katya from Drag Race. And hear Broadway star Anthony Rapp sing Hamilton. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot.

Hey, yo, I'm just like my country. I'm young, scrappy, and hungry, and I'm not throwing away my shot. That's Lady to Lady. Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. Why would you listen to a podcast of TV pilots that never got made? It must not have been any good, right? I don't know for a fact that anyone read it. They couldn't get a deal done. It was kind of

a regime change. Someone at the studio who was in a decision-making capacity said, these guys seem like losers. They just blamed it on, okay, well, it must be women. We got word that USA had decided to stop doing comedy. Why aren't we making this? It was so good. Hear the TV comedies you never got to see on the Dead Pilot Society podcast. Listen on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Inn at Pocono Manor, well, all you have to do is step up to a microphone when called. Let's start with Mandy and Kevin. Come on up, Mandy and Kevin.

Mandy and Kevin. Very different height of people. Mandy, I'm going to have to ask you to stand on your tippy toes. And Kevin, I'm going to have to ask you to stand on your tippy toes, and Kevin, I'm going to have to ask you to, yeah, maybe like bow your knees outward, maybe? Yeah, exactly, like you're doing the Charleston or whatever. So, Mandy, where are you guys from?

We're from Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. I hear that's a very nice place. It is. I haven't really heard that. It's probably not awful. Yeah. One time you had a donut sandwich there. You said on the thing.

Oh, boy. Wait, what? Are you okay? Did you just have a stroke? What was in the donut sandwich? One time you had a donut sandwich. I'm sorry. Oh, no.

I'm in trouble. Call for help. That's my voice. This guy is going to... I think you are in the middle of losing a Robin Thede-style 90 minutes of your life. This will be the...

He's going to be out of commission for an hour and a half, guys. Yeah, I think what happened is, yeah, like, Kevin got two bites into that sandwich and lost his grandmother. Squad goals. It's a powerful sandwich.

So, Mandy, tell us, what's your momentous occasion? We got married three weeks ago. Thank you. And we came to Max Von Con East for our honeymoon. Oh, thank you. Congratulations. So, if I'm doing the math correctly, you two have recently lost your virginities.

Congratulations. What's that like? It's like two bites into a donut sandwich. Nice. Nice, Chad. I think one of them did and one of them lied and said they did. Uh, yeah.

Saved it for you, honey. One of them just fucked the donut sandwich for you? Is that what you're saying? That counts, right? Jam it in there and see what happens. We should have paid attention when we had that meeting with the rabbi about the birds and the bees. Mandy, tell me how long have the two of you been together?

About three and a half years. Three and a half years. That's nice. What's that, about 42 months? One Jimmy Pardo joke? Is this, is, you know, obviously you probably, you know, bandied around a lot of different honeymoon locales, you know. Hawaii, Seattle.

Those were the other two options. All the classic honeymoon spots. Yeah. Tulsa. Yeah. Seattle. Those were the other two options. All the classic honeymoon spots. Is this... Tulsa. Is this everything you wanted it to be? Has it turned out to be romantic? Have you guys gotten some alone time to romance each other?

Yeah, there was like 15 minutes before this started that we just sort of... Wow. Went at it. Kevin's just like, eat the fucking chocolate strawberries. We got to go. Actually, that's why I was late. I was intentionally giving them some more time to...

Kevin's like, no one's going to be late for this show. It's going to start right on time. Wait, is that why you were nude too? What the hell is going on? I'm very considerate. It's usually how it works. Kevin, Mandy, I can only pray that you're not wearing underpants right now. So back to Ohio after this?

Is there another leg of the trip? Nope, just Ohio. Wow. There's the seven and a half hour drive back. So you guys are really wasting that honeymoon. Like at least you could stop at Grand Tetons National Park or something.

What was your favorite part of your honeymoon weekend? Oh, bully. Yeah, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Oh, boy. Well, we got this bottle of baby oil. Fuck it. Yeah.

That's fair. Good for you. It's fun. Whose feelings would that have hurt? I know. Well, you don't know what kind of fucking they were doing. It could have been a whole weird thing that they've got going on. Well, Kevin, Mandy, thank you for sharing your moments again with us. Yeah, congratulations.

And thank you for sharing your honeymoon with us. Congratulations to Kevin and Mandy, thank you for sharing your honeymoon with us. Congratulations to Kevin and Mandy. They're really sweet. They seem fun. They're a sweet young couple. They're registered at Dillard's if anyone wants to get them a plate. Get them a table setting. Where's Scott the grad student? Scott the grad student, come on up here. Give him a hand. He's far back. student? Scott the grad student, come on up here. Give him a hand. He's far back. Did Scott get the party started last night like he was supposed to?

Did Scott get the fuck down? Yeah. They were like spin kicks. They were spin kicks. We were doing some motion. Wow. Yeah, Dandy can really do it. That doesn't sound fun.

Teach their own. Do you guys have a favorite novelty Donald... Well, first of all, let's acknowledge that Scott is wearing Kevin's television show themed hat. Nicely done, sir.

We appreciate that. Thank you for keeping me paid. I thought it was going to be like a lark to buy this Donald Trump hat. But then he won Super Tuesday and kept going. And now I have to wear it until he dies or something. I think that's how it works. Do you guys have a favorite

make something something again parody hat? It took literally every fucking iota of self-restraint I had not to buy the T-shirt that says, Make America Hyphy again. Oh, that's a good one. I think that was just the Bay Area that was hyphy. I feel like that was... That's true.

You can make the Bay Area hyphy again, but the rest of the country ain't. In 10 years, that will just make no sense. It'll just seem like a foreign language. Yeah, fair enough. Do any of you know what getting hyphy means? Woo! Some, see, look at most of you.

Anybody want a fizz face for us real quick? Can I get a fizz face? Yeah, Ben Harrison's got a fizz on. See, I lived in the Bay Area, and I don't know what that shit is. Does anyone know E40? That could be a gateway. You don't know what it is? I don't know what that shit is. Does anyone know E-40? That could be a gateway. You don't know what it is? I don't know what a fizz face is.

A fizz face is when you take some E or some molly, and it's bitter, and you make a bitter face like somebody farted. Oh. Okay. That means the party started. Oh, shit. All right. Sir, you had a question about fizz faces.

Yeah. Sir, you were about to ghost ride the whip? I know what that is. I know what that is. Very good. Yeah, so my momentous occasion is this month marks three years since I was hospitalized in a psychiatric facility for a really bad depressive bipolar episode. And now I'm here, and I was partying real hard with a guy in a Viking helmet. Randy. And I have an amazing partner, Jen.

She's the love of my life. And, like, I'm actually living the life that I wanted to now. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah, Scott. So, thank you. Nicely done. Good. Scott, Scott, Scott Scott, Scott, Scott

Scott, Scott, Scott Scott, Scott, Scott We are safe for presidents Can I just say that like the most magical part about partying with a guy in a Viking helmet is partying with a guy who looks at home in a Viking helmet. Like as though he gets home from work,

takes off the old monkey suit, and throws on the old dome and two horns. You know, I don't want to steal... Is it Randy? Yeah. I do not want to steal Randy's thunder because you rocked that Viking helmet. But there was a dude dressed as Robin last night. Oh, yeah.

He rocked it. What was that? And for a minute I was like, am I the only one seeing this? He's right there. There you are. I meant to get a picture with you and then you disappeared. He was trying to find you. I guess some shit went down in the polka dots.

I got my picture though. Robin and Robin, we got a picture. Well, he took a picture with you and then was out the goddamn window because I never saw him again. That's what you do. You take a picture with me and your life is done. Robin got to do what Robin got to do. This nice shirt, remind me of your name. Matt.

Matt. So I had lunch with Matt the other day. Matt is a lovely guy who is wearing a bootleg Garaba t-shirt. Very good. Show the people. To be clear, we sell those. So just for your benefit,

Robin and Kevin, some time ago we offered a prescription for what to do in an emergency, which is Garaba. G, get help. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A, assess the situation again.

B, be kind to yourself. And A, abstinence. The last one's the most important. Garaba, baby. There you go. We sell T-shirts with that on them. In fact, Woody back there all the way in the back is wearing his Garaba T-shirt.

What's up, Woody? But apparently Matt either couldn't wait or missed the window or is just a really terrible businessman in the bootleg business who's like, I could make shirts that say Belieber, or I could make these Garaba

shirts. No one wants to buy Garaba shirts from us, Matt. We sold a few Garaba shirts to Woody. His is really nice. It is. It's a really nice Garaba shirt to Woody. His is really nice. It is. It's a really nice Garaba shirt.

It looks like the Dare logo. Yeah, that's a take on the Dare shirt. Will you put the Robin costume on later so I can take a photo with you? Kevin cannot let this go, by the way. He's so serious. That sounded really weird. Matt. Like suddenly.

Matt, could you put the Robin costume on and just meet Kevin up in his room? Yeah. You guys, look, Matt and I are on our honeymoon. And don't mean to steal your thunder. I can't tell you. He was really upset he couldn't find you after we got our picture last night. No, don't awe him. He should have taken it when I said hi.

I should have. But I was getting drunk. Yeah, that's true. We were all in the conga line at that point. Yeah. Which Robin were you? Tim Drake. I fucking knew it. He was Tim Drake. the conga line at that point yeah which uh which robin were you i fucking he was tim drake wait you have to tell them why you're so excited avery you have to tell them why you're so excited

wait why why am i you have a history of pictures with every robin from oh i do yeah i went to comic-con uh i think comic-con new york and for some reason i took yeah i took pictures with all the robins I could find. And that's like the one he's missing. What Robins are there? There's Batman Robin. There's Dick Grayson. Yeah, that's Batman Robin, right?

Yeah. He's friends with Batman. Yeah. They're all Batman Robins. They solve crimes. I'm not an idiot. He's a detective, and the other one is an acrobat bully. That's exactly, yeah.

But there were like four or five of them. There's been a lot of Robins. There's a lot of different ones. A lot of different costumes. Who was after Tim Drake? Jason Todd. Oh, it was Jason Todd first, then Tim Drake. Then Kelly, what's Kelly's last name?

Carrie Kelly. Carrie Kelly. And then Damien. Right, am I... Okay, cool. Damien Wayne. Who's Batman's son. Damon Wayans.

Damon Wayans. Damon Wayans has a great... No, that is not Robin. That is Blank Man. I always confuse those. I get them confused. Anyway, but yeah, I was very excited to see you in your Robin costume. And that's our famous segment, List the Robins.

Yeah, sorry about that. I get excited with, you know, Robin. Robin Leach. Matt Pottery. That's a thing. Yeah, now we're talking. Hi, Matt. Come on up. Hurry the fuck up, Matt. He, now we're talking. Hi, Matt. Come on up.

Hurry the fuck up, Matt. He didn't even hurry up. Sit down. Fuck you, Matt. You saw Mosey. We want to hear it. Just don't Mosey next time. Thank you.

But then you were strolled up to the microphone like this isn't a bang, bang, tightly packed with carefully written jokes show. Not an ounce of fat on this thing. My momentum occasion. Wait, move up closer to the microphone. He's scared to get close to things right now. I know, he's clearly nervous. Lean into that microphone and tell us what happened. I was riding my bicycle.

I pulled out my phone and slammed it to the back of a parked car. Oh, boy. And arced into their windshield and sent my face through. So you went through a windshield of a car that you weren't in. Correct. Wait, were you doing Chris Elliott in Get a Life cosplay? Wait, were you doing Chris Elliott in Get a Life cosplay? Oh, yeah, I'm a Get a Life reenactor.

Oh, I'm a Herman's Head reenactor. We should have a con. The guy was super nice about it, though. He apologized. Wait, there was someone in the car? Nah, I had to go talk to him, like, the next week. The next week? Wait, you waited a week? I went back the next day Nah, I had to go talk to him like the next week. Wait, you waited a week? I went back the next day and

you're not supposed to move after you have an injury. Yeah, you had to go to the hospital. Jesus. Okay, I'll cut you some slack. He had understandably moved his car at this point, so it took me a while to find the guy. And then he was super nice about it. He apologized for parking in the street

where anyone could just slam into it. Sure. It was very sorry that he had done this to me. Did you break anything on the car? Yeah, I shattered their windshield. Did you break anything on you? My face. Your face?

When was this? Like a month, two months ago. Oh my God. So you said that it happened when you pulled out your phone? Yeah. Pokemon? Oh my god So you said that it happened when you pulled out your phone? Yeah Pokemon? No, it was the morning before Pokemon Go, thank god So that cannot be to blame

Exactly No, it still happened, don't thank god You didn't get anything? Were you about to text somebody? Yes What was the message? I don't know, hi About to break my face, boo.

You up? Peach, peach, eggplant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hospital emoji. New windshield. Who did this? Oh, my god. Wow, dude, I'm so glad you're okay.

That is frightening. Did you get back on the bike? Yeah, of course. Gotta get places. Was this in your neighborhood? Because you said you had to track down the guy. Or did you just go back to the scene of the crime several times? Back to the scene of the crime several times until the car was parked in the driveway again.

Because you wanted to do what? You wanted to pay for that guy's windshield. Look at you. You're a superhuman. Except that you look like a prowler now for probably a week. People are like, who is that dude? He's back again.

Who's that man with the half face mask who keeps skulking around here? This is back with all the bandages on and I'm just cruising up and down this street. Let me ask, by show of hands, or round of applause so people can hear it, who would have gone back? Oh, you're lying.

You are liars. Who would not have gone back? These are good people, Robin. These are good people here. Well, half of them said they wouldn't go back, so they're not that fucking good. Yeah, no. I mean, you could have just left your phone number.

I don't mean to get too practical on you. Can't talk face broken. That's the text he sent right after. Maybe. Huh. Congratulations on not dying. Congratulations, Matt. Glad you're alive.

I'm impressed. I like that t-shirt. That's a good guy. That's a good guy. And he believes that aliens abducted dinosaurs, according to his t-shirt. That's a fun alien dino shirt. Let's get Alan from Savannah up here.

Yeah. Folks. Look at that. Yeah. Folks. Look at that. Hello, Captain. This isn't just Alan from Savannah. This is Jordan Jesse Goh celebrity Lothreaper. The man who killed my father. The man whose consistent name mentions on Jordan, Jesse, Go!

alienate the 97% of the audience who never uses the Reddit. Alan, welcome to the program. Tell me, what is your... Now, which Robin are you dressed as? I don't know comic books, even though I'm wearing a comic book T-shirt. Yeah, you've got a nice Captain America logo on you that joke would have played a lot better

okay turn around what Robin are you dressed as now that I can see your Captain America t-shirt spot on that was humor logistics Threeps tell me about what your momentous occasion is. And you know what? Why don't you tell Kevin and Robin and Jordan too?

We're here. I have a momentous occasion and a moment of shame. Oh, wow. Okay. The momentous occasion is that my wife and child survived the hurricane this weekend. Holy shit. A real hurricane? Yes. You mean they just drank a lot of hurricanes? I don't think children should be drinking.

I mean, if you give one hurricane to a baby, that's quite a survival story. The moment of shame is that I abandoned my wife and child to come to Maxine. Fuck them. They're drunk. Wait, wait, wait. I have a question.

I have a question. I have a question for you, sir. Did you have prior knowledge that Hermine, is that what it's called? Worst name for a hurricane. Did you have prior knowledge that the hurricane was coming before you came? Yes. I actually left a day early to beat the storm.

Wow. Holy shit. Let me ask you something. If you would have run into the back of a car and broke the windshield, would you have gone back? I think we know the answer. I think not, yeah. Alan knew because two reasons.

One, his old wooden leg was complaining. And number two, he went like this. Yep. Smells like this. Yep. Smells like a hermit. Two ways to tell if a hurricane's coming. Follow-up answer, my wife was really annoyed that I still went to the show. Yeah, she's right. Hold on, hold on.

Yeah, I get that. What's going to happen when you get back now? She's going to pick me up at the airport. That's what you think. Well, yeah. Are you sure? Does your wife... So, Alan, I think that given the energy,

the kind energy that you've dedicated to the community around Maximum Fun Shows, which we all appreciate very much... Which she also hates. Yeah. So my question was, what does your wife think about this way that you're wasting your life?

My wife is... Careful. Careful. This is being recorded, sir. Beautiful is the word you're looking for. My wife resents buying me a ticket to a nerd convention. She bought the ticket to? What are you going to do to compensate? What are you going to do to compensate?

What are you going to do to pay her back? I'm sorry? I didn't hear that. What are you doing to make up for it when you get home? Making a quiche? I'll go back to work on Tuesday. He's like, I pay the bills up in here. That's not cutting it. I don't know, guys.

So your wife's not even a nerd? She is a real estate agent and an accountant. I guess that's kind of nerdy. My man, you need to find one of those donut sandwiches and go to work, brother. Hello. I've clearly had several of those. Talk to Kevin and Mandy.

They'll help you out. They'll hook you up. Alan? I recommend that you talk to any of the characters on stage from Friday night's show about what you should be doing when you get home. For the at-home listener, I'm referring to cunnilingus. There was a really long pussy-eating bit at the show on Friday. Boy, was it long.

When you say, uh, do you mean seven? Yes. Hold on, I'm distracted. Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, from the comic book Batman, it's Robin!

Robin! Hell yeah! That is so dope. Guys, this is so exciting. This is so exciting. Wow. Robin has stepped on stage. He's here.

Sorry for interrupting you. We're done with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go away. Solve your marriage problem. Thank you for everything. Sit down. One more time for Alan. Oh, man.

Yeah, Marvel, sit down. DC is in the house. I never thought I'd say that. Wow. I thought you had to go to the bathroom. I thought, well, we're done talking to him. This guy said, fuck it, left. You're out of breath.

Yeah, so I've already checked it out of my hotel room, so I just did this. He just changed it in the lobby. You just did it in the game room by the Austin Powers machine. I just found a telephone booth out by the parking lot. That's your own little bat cave.

There are children running around here. I hope that you have your driver's license so you can get on the plane home. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, I appreciate that very much. Kevin, do you have your phone? Let's take a picture. I do have my phone.

Let's do this right now. Can someone take the picture for us? Yeah, okay. Robin Thede is now going to take. Look what was on my Spotify. Let's do this right now. Can someone take the picture for us? Yeah, okay. Robin Thede is now going to take... Look what was on my Spotify. New Edition. I swear it's randomized. I didn't mean to...

Okay. Jesus Christ. Here's the... He didn't know whether it would be New Edition or Belle Viv Devoe. His music player switches back and forth randomly. Matt, no, just sit there the rest of the show, please. Sit there and be a distraction. We need something to distract from whatever else we're still going to do.

Okay, we have one last momentous occasion here from Woody. Woody, come on up. Woody! Oh my god. Nice hustle. Hi. Hi, Woody. Thank you for wearing a shirt of the thing to the thing.

It's true. I practiced abstinence this weekend. So did I. Thanks, Max Funcon. Weekend's not over, Woody. Was it intentional? Oh, the abstinence? Yeah. No, no, unintentional.

Yeah, just like by accident. Whoops, didn't have sex. Yeah. Oops, oopsie. Totally avails. Missed again. He said, I'm totally avails. That's what I said.

So you're looking to break that. Break that streak. I'm ready. Look, checkouts. You got about 45 minutes. I think you can do it. Tell me a little bit about the categories you might be interested in. The categories of...

Sensuality and sensuality partners. Ladies. Okay. Looking for ladies and you're looking for a romance. Yeah, romance. Sensual romance. How do you feel about drama?

Do you like drama? Are you more of a no drama kind of guy? Quick question. Anti-drama. How would you rate your friendliness to 420? I'm sorry, are we finding him a roommate? 10 out of 10.

Have not checked out yet. So Woody, what is your momentous occasion? Besides that you're about to get laid in the last 45 minutes of my time. He's a handsome guy here, folks. So when I was, I just turned two, and all of my skin. Wait, you have not just turned two. You're probably in your early 30s. You have a beard.

This is already starting with a lie. I don't like where this is going. This is an old momentous occasion, unfortunately. I lacked the apparatus. Your phone number wasn't set up in 1981. Right. So when I was... Well, you don't know that, but...

I guess I don't know that. Yeah, podcasting didn't exist, but we could still take calls. That's how this show started. It was an answering service. An answering service. Dude, I was in Glendale, California the other day and I drove past an answering service.

With a window that said so-and-so's answering service. I was like, who is using an answering service in 2016? What are they answering? Spencer for hire? I called a doctor, a dermatologist the other day, and I was talking to the woman, and I was like,

oh, okay, so I'd like to schedule an appointment. She's like, what's the problem? And I'm like, oh, this thing. We talked for like five minutes, and she goes, oh, this is just the answering service. I'm like, why did I tell you all of my business? And then I proceeded to tell her even more intimate details just because we were at it. You know, you're already on a roll.

So Woody, this happened when you were two. When I was two, I'd just turned two and it was Christmas time and all of my skin fell off. What? What? All your skin fell off. What? All your skin fell off? And when I say that, I say 100%

of the skin on my body. I looked like a boiled lobster. Why did that happen? Continue. Continue? Yes. Yas, queen. Yas.

How did Robin get a microphone? Skin goals. Hashtag skin goals. This was so terrifying that Kevin was like, Robin, you're a detective. Solve this mystery. Let me tell you, the giant hornet is less scary than that shit. What?

Yeah, it's a real folklore in my family. Did you have to be put into one of those Cylon bathtubs? Yeah. Fun fact, my mom did sit me in a lukewarm bath and just the skin coming off and it was extremely painful.

I don't remember it, thankfully, because I was only two. But it's probably shaped everything that I've done in my life. Fun fact, none of that is fun. My mom sent me in a warm bath and removed the skin from my eyes with a Q-tip. Eyelashes, everything.

Have you explored the possibility that you're a snake? This week's Jordan Jesse Go features a baby's skin coming off. You gotta put that at the beginning of the show. Pull that and then put it at the beginning.

No, he's a snake, guys. It's just obvious. Somebody slither in. Easy answer. I'm molted. You're David Cronenberg's first child. No, I have to say, Woody, your skin's back and better than ever. Fantastic.

I have to say, Woody, your skin's back and better than ever. Fantastic. It's beautiful. It's creamy. It's smooth. So, ladies. Why did that happen? Do you know? There is an extremely rare

one in a million bacterial infection called Woody's disease. I don't remember the medical, the specific Latin name, but the colloquial term is scalded skin syndrome. Scalded skin?

Yeah. And my dad picked me up and I was like fussy or whatever. And so they took me to the doctor and they're like, well, this is what's going to happen. Oh, so they knew it was going to happen. Yeah, they're like, because they could see the signs or whatever. They probably had to look it up in a book or something. And then they sent you home to the bathtub?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because there's nothing you can do. It has to run its course. What happens is it's extremely painful. Your skin goes all the way down to the layer where it is extremely painful to lose your skin. And... I cannot take this.

There's no... But it's weird. And then, after it's done, it just grows back and there's no scarring or anything. And they're like, you're just gonna have the weirdest two weeks of your life. So, two weeks? To recap, ladies. He hates drama,

he's 420 friendly, and he could grow back all his skin. Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Jesse Go, Kevin, Robin from the comic book Batman, Robin Feedy from Comedy Jokes. Thank you very much. Have a good lunch.

Sorry I was late. I got my city doing crumpets When everybody may a wrap a jump ship