Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 448: Throw the Dog with Bill Corbett and Allie Goertz

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Writer and comedian Bill Corbett and comedian singer songwriter Allie Goertz join Jordan for a discussion of Jordan's cousin Bubba's jet ski, Allie's attempt at watching a movie every day for a year, and relationships with brands on Twitter.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh, I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jesse Thorne out on tour this week, but never fear, we have a great show for you with two fun, fun, fun guests. An old Jordan and Jesse Goh favorite and a new friend that is sure to join the pantheon of beloved guests or become a hated blip on the radar that people will talk about only in hushed tones. First of all, the beloved returning guest from Riff Trax from Mystery Science Theater 3000, One of my favorite funny people who has ever lived, Bill Corbett. Welcome to the show, Bill.

Thank you, Jordan. That's an awfully nice introduction. Welcome back to the show, I should say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other, the new guest, who I'm sure it'll be the first thing I said, which is them being a beloved returning guest. Someone I actually got a request to appear on the show today on Twitter. So that guy, this one's for you, buddy.

Of course it's a guy. We have a really wonderful singer of sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes both songs, sad, sometimes both songs, at midnight's social media guru, and the host of a wonderful podcast about The Simpsons, the greatest show in history, Allie Gertz. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much. I hope I don't make anyone mad, but maybe that one guy's going to regret it. We'll see. Yeah.

Yeah. This is all on you, guy. I wish I could remember your Twitter handle. It was my dad. Oh, yeah. Please let her Twitter handle. It was my dad. So I, oh yeah. Please let her on. At Allie's dad.

My dad does have a Twitter account that he never uses. It's just his name. But I do like that his bio is just what up bitches. He just had his, his second daughter, second daughter, by the way, I'm the first.

He's the second. So I'm 25 years older than my little sister. Holy moly. This is going to go out to her. I want her to listen to this. Yeah. Congratulations, first of all. Hey, thanks. That's quite a spread.

Yeah, it's quite a bit. Now I feel pressured that this podcast is dedicated to a baby, to have more wisdom than usual. This usually has zero wisdom, but now. Well, yeah. I mean, this kind of works in terms of the pressure that goes into it. Something my dad actually did teach me, which I think is actually a really good lesson, like in terms of expectations when it comes to meeting your heroes or maybe listening to a podcast. That might be the greatest thing of all time is basically go in with high expectations. Meet your heroes.

And if they are great, then everything is good. And if it sucks, then you learn a lesson that not everyone is perfect, and not all podcasts are great. That's amazing. Wow. Hey, not all podcasts are great. Not all podcasts are great. I'm the first to say it. Hold on.

I don't know if that's true. Can we get our fact checkers on this? So, yeah, you know, yeah, I feel like I want to, like, say something to this baby who's I'm sure going to be listening to this. Yes. And by the way, just in case you wanted to personalize it, her name is Olivia. Olivia. Olivia, very beautiful name. That is a great name.

Thank you so much. I don't think that I don't think my dad and his amazing wife, Katie, know this yet. But the middle name is June. Beautiful name. We got a little baby OJ, though. I don't know if they know that. Making a baby murderer. A little murderer.

An L-I-L apostrophe murderer. Yeah, I know. It is a shame that OJ is experiencing such a resurgence with the FX show and the documentaries and such. Yeah, it's oddly as popular as it was when I was a baby when they probably went out of their way to not name me Olivia June. Yeah. I think it's even more unfortunate as my new niece, Jean Benet. We just out and out name our kids Hitler and Mussolini.

I mean, we're old school. Oh, fucking hipsters. You hipsters with your goofy baby names. Can either of you guys off the top of your heads come up with OJ's actual name, what the O stands for? You know, I know this. We were actually joking about this in the At Midnight Writer's Room, so I'm cheating a little bit. Allie, do you want to wager a guess? I'm going to guess that it's A1 Oscar Julio.

That's my guess. Oh, that's really good. That's a good parallel universe, OJ. No, it's uh a one oscar julio that's my guess oh that's that's really good that's a good parallel universe oj no it's orenthal orenthal orenthal yeah i know right my uh don't name your kids orenthal they you ruined the name orenthal for everyone like a boy named sue he just goes mad with rage from all the years he took shit about that name. Orenthal sounds like medicinal Oreo. I don't know. The doctor's like, take a sleeve of these and call me in the morning. I like that doctor.

And then the J stands for J? I think it's just James. Orenthal James, I believe. Right down the middle name. Yeah, it's interesting. So, yeah, we were joking about it. And it's something like the idea was that someone didn't know the name OJ, but it's like, oh, I know Orenthal. I think I've said this before on the show, but my grandfather's name, I never met the man, but my mom's dad's name was Penuel Gatewood Dunn.

Holy moly. We are southern folk. Yeah. And he had one of those crazy southern names. Pinnual. Pinnual Gatewood. He sounds like he's perpetually fanning himself and saying, mercy, mercy, it's hot. Ah, Pinnual. You just have the vapors.

What state are your folks from? My mom's from Louisiana and my dad's from Tennessee. I was born in Texas. Is Pinuel, what kind of name is Pinuel? I don't. What kind of name is that? Yeah, it sounds like just, yeah, like a guy who sits in a lawn chair and oversees guys on a chain gang. Yeah.

I like names like that because like, you know, you always worry when you're naming your kids, like, what will they make fun of them with? And, like, in addition to it just being a weird name, like, the closest thing I could really think of

is, like, Pinwheel. Pinwheel, yeah. Which is adorable. Which is really nice, actually. Like, maybe someone just misheard Pinwheel. Yeah, yeah. It almost sounds like,

like, are they from Louisiana? Is that the part of the branch? Yes, I think he was born in Louisiana. That might be, like, some Cajun name or something. Yeah, maybe it is. Some kind of voodoo shit.

Probably. Yeah. I know you say it three times and then Pinual appears in the mirror. It's Pinhead's baptized name, actually. Yeah. My friends call me Pinhead, but it's short for Pinual. My friends call me Pinhead, but it's short for Pinual. This is – I think I – to anybody who listens to this show with regularity, I think maybe I have a reputation as being a chill Southern California dude.

Oh, yeah. But my – I think my roots are very Southern, and I think this story kind of sums it up. I actually had to miss a little family reunion at a lake house in Houston this year. I was working, so I didn't get to go to this little family reunion. But I was like texting with my sister about how it was going. And we have a cousin whose name is Chris, but everyone calls him Bubba. And I just texted my sister, oh, how's the how's the reunion going? She's like, oh, Bubba's jet ski blew up and it threw him into the air. Oh, that's the reunion going? She's like, oh, Bubba's jet ski blew up and it threw him into the air. Oh, that's perfect.

He was fine. Bubba's fine. But I do – just to give the listener a little perspective as to where I come from, it is from a line of people that is sometimes injured in jet ski explosions. Oh, no. Yeah. Not just like thrown from the gate. The fucking thing blew up.

It blew up. It just threw him into the up. That's perfect. And he emerged unscathed. So I think we're a hearty people. Oh, I'm happy for Bubba. Yeah. Alligator-skinned people. Bill, so it's a rare treat that we have you here in L.A. as a Minneapolis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You maybe don't make it out here more than once or twice a year. That's true. Yeah. I live kind of in the middle of the country now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You maybe don't make it out here more than once or twice a year. That's true, yeah. I live kind of in the middle of the country now. I'm from New York originally, so I go there a couple of times a year or two. And that's about all the traveling I can do.

And we go to Nashville often for our Riff Trax live shows. Oh, yeah. So we see the Southern Hollywood. Do they call Nashville the Southern Hollywood? I don't know. I think they have a couple of euphemisms for it like that. But it really is pretty, like the hipsters are there in force now. I mean, it's a pretty cool place to live apparently. Oh, really?

Yeah. It's not just like old guys in nudie suits and cowboy hats anymore. They have like a real cool bar and food scene and, you know, it's just getting insufferable, of course. Yeah. You can't tell you can't tell the tone with which the mustache was grown right right right is this a goof mustache is that an original mustache or yeah it's a little over waxed um sure um so yeah what what brings you

to town well i'm working on the the uh new version of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that show that I used to be involved with. And they're rebooting it with a whole new cast. Joel Hodgson did a Kickstarter. And it was, like, phenomenal. It got, like, $80 million. And they're actually going to be on Netflix. So they're going to be way more popular than we ever were. So I'm deeply resentful

of that but i'm still i can't imagine more people have netflix now that we're watching comedy central at 7 a.m in 1992 yeah which is how i consumed mystery science theater i would wake up early uh lord knows i was not out on friday night so i wake up early on saturday to watch uh 3k um yeah so i'm gonna reprise uh my old character of the observer aka brain guy and um did i did a little bit of writing on it consulting just kind of like threw some jokes their way and that's about it that's amazing i mean i i i want to talk a little bit about because you you and i know you know there's probably a little bit of secrecy around it so i'll i'll i will accept vague-ish answers okay but it seems like kind of the the reboot will be dealing with kind of you know uh older b movies not like you're not you're not you're not riffing one of these new x-men movies oh yeah yeah yeah so but with with riff tracks uh you guys

do riff current films the harry Potters, the X-Men. Yeah, I mean, that was one of the original motivations for throwing it together and to sort of distinguish it a little bit from what we used to do. It just became clear to us at some point that, you know, with MP3 stuff, you could just do a commentary track and not try to get the rights to the movie, which was always impossible anyway. I mean, there were a lot of reasons why we did be old B movies there, but a lot, a lot of them had to do with the fact that they were orphans that you could get,

like you could buy the rights for, or they were in public domain or something and not, you know, yeah, no, like nobody was holding out for a hardy payday for the rice to space mutiny. Right,

right, right. Uh, red Brown tried, but, youant. Right, right, right. Red Brown tried. Yeah, I mean, like we would do an Oscar special a couple of years anyway towards the end of MSD3K or a summer blockbuster special where we would take the electronic press kits that the studios would put out for like Siskel and Ebert or whatever. And we would riff those. And people were always saying like, man, you did that part of Titanic. Just do the whole thing. And the answer was always like, we can't get near that.

I mean, like they'll have their goons beat us up and Warner Brothers. So, but this provided us a way to do that. That being said, we got kind of, you know know you can only do so many current movies they're a lot longer they have that confuso vision action stuff like doing transformers was the worst boy i bet it yeah i bet it's hard to make a joke when you don't know what's going on i really don't know what the fuck's going on and you know and then yeah and then there are like attempts at humor with shia labouf screaming like uh like, you know, a banshee just at every opportunity.

And so you, so trying to do jokes on their jokes and, you know, I'm doing the air quotes is, it's tougher because basically what you're saying is, oh man, lame joke, you know, or lame humor, which makes you sound more dickish. That is the like, that is the like ultimate sin of the Transformers movies to me. And I think that is where I turn into a kids these days crank is about the Transformers movies. You know, we all get there. I've been there for a while, Jordan. You guys are a lot younger.

But you're making your way. Sure. But, yeah, I definitely see those as cynical dreck. And I'm mad that people see them. I think the worst thing about the Transformers movies is that one of them actually had balls, like literal balls. And they had the wonderful actor John Turturro, who's one of my favorite actors ever, you know, getting a paycheck. I do not blame the guy. God bless him. Get lots of paychecks.

But they gave him the line. He was like some, I forget what he was supposed to be, but he was obsessed with the Transformers. And he was like sort of comic relief, but they couldn't decide. And at one point he was like underneath the Transformer and he said, I believe I am underneath the creature scrotum. I have been in many Coen Brothers movies. Yeah. I did Shakespeare. Here I am. In your – maybe let's take the Transformers and put them in a pile.

Yeah. And, Allie, I'm interested to hear your thoughts on this too because just from chatting with you at work, I know you did a project recently where you watched a movie a day. Yes. Oh, wow. And then I stopped because you watched a movie a day. Yes. Oh, wow. And then I stopped because I'm a big quitter. So how far into the – this was kind of supposed to be a year thing, right? It was supposed to be – yeah, it was supposed to be a movie a day for the entire year. I was trying to do – I think it was – this was 366 days this year.

So I even really – Well, that's why then. That extra day will – it's burdensome. Yeah. It's burdensome. Yeah. I was watching a movie a day and then about two months in, I'm just like, I can't. I quit. Movies are long. It was more...

Some are bad. Some are bad. Yeah. I was having a lot of fun. I was writing reviews each time and that was fun. But then that kind of added to the homework element and then it ended up just being a a lot but i i still watch as many movies as i can the reason i did it was because i re-watch movies more than i watch new stuff sure oh wow my wife's like that i i just don't do that i don't know why i i have a couple of like i have a couple

of like soothing re-watch things mainly tv for me uh but i am a big like re rewatch things. It's mainly TV for me. But I am a big rewatcher when I need to relax. My relax thing is always a Simpsons or a 30 Rock or a Futurama. Those are the three shows that it is for me too. And 30 Rock I know is one of the best shows of all time. But then I sit down and every single time I was like, that's even better than I remember. Yeah. And TV is honestly the reason that I had the downfall.

It's not that I stopped watching two hours of stuff every day. It's just that a show would come out and I'd be like, well, I have to watch this and I can't do that and my movie and work. Sure. It's a big investment of time. My partner, Kevin Murphy, actually did that. He had a book called A Year at the Movies. And I think the only reason he could do it is because he got a book contract. Yeah.

He didn't have to do anything but that. But it's a really cool book. Yeah. I think in that book he watches a movie projected on like an ice wall in Norway. Yeah. He was doing all kinds of stunt movie watching for a while, which is a weird concept. But, you know, he did a lot of it, of course, just in, you know, like the 10 plexes around the country.

But yeah, he went around the world and he was watching them in Polynesia. He just wanted to travel. He made no money because he blew it all on travel. Still. But pretty stylish. If you got to blow the advance on this thing. Yeah. And that was simple.

Finland or something like that or Norway. If you've got to blow the advance on this one. Yeah, and that was simple. Finland or something like that or Norway. It was like he wanted to hit points in the globe too because hitting like every day of the year wasn't enough. That's what's crazy. It's like I had in my – when I would write it up and put it on my dumb website, I would say like who I was with and where I watched it. And it was always by myself in my house.

I don't know why I added that little feature. Take that feature out. Very sad. In a castle with a stranger. Yeah, there we go. Ooh, this is intriguing. How did this happen? But of the movies that I saw, Transformers was never one of them. Yeah.

And I've never seen it. But I also missed that. It wouldn't have been nostalgic for me. I never watched it as a kid because, you know, that was not my time really. I definitely liked the movies as a kid. And I am like – I am the – you know, it seems like your modern blockbuster is aimed at two distinct groups. Ten-year-olds and a sweaty 30 sweaty 30 year old who maybe has some intimacy problems very very well put sure and that's and that's me and i and i liked and i liked transformers as a

kid and you know and i i i will happily see anything that evolves in Avenger, but I saw that first Transformers movie and my week was ruined. It's really painful. But I wanted to ask you, Transformers aside, because we've thoroughly dicked on it, but is there any modern movie for you where you're like, I can't believe this got a wide release and people saw it. Oh, my God. Hmm. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure I'll come up with something eventually. But I know kind of a big question.

And so, Ali, I want to also kind of extend this to you in your project. What did you watch where you're like, oh, my God, why is this a movie? I should actually pull up the list. More interestingly than um you know because i i wasn't trying to torture myself it was already enough that i was watching a movie a day so i i did try and watch movies i would love yeah that's very wise i was i was more surprised by movies that i thought i would love and hated and that are their movies. I hate My Dinner with Andre and I feel so bad because I wanted to love it.

I not only love Wally Sean but for some reason get in fights when people say that it should be Wallace and not Wally because he prefers to himself as Wally so I'm just like, it's Wally! He prefers it! He prefers it! I don't know him but I feel like I know him. So that's my Transformers I guess.

It's My dinner with Andre. They do have a giant robot with a big scrotum in that one. He's the waiter. Now, Bill, I think you have, if I'm not mistaken, have had to watch all of the Twilights. Yeah, wow, did we fuck ourselves there?

I mean. There's like, what, nine of those? Yeah. We were kind of skeptical that it would be good for us at first. And at least I was because my business sense is nil. But it turned out to be kind of our biggest hit by lots. There's something about it. It takes itself very seriously.

It has a lot of space to, like, give commentaries because there's all those moon-eyed glances at each other. Yeah, you do know. And there's plenty of room for jokes. It's a relief to have you guys make fun of it because, like, honestly, like, that came out, like, in my high school for me. So I was just like, everyone likes this except for me. What am I going to do?

And it was honestly so like, oh, thank God. Were they fans of the books or the movie or both? All of it. And people will say just like, oh, well, you know, and I kind of say this with Harry Potter, like, oh, well, Harry Potter helped kids read. But no, they just read Harry Potter. No, they just read Twilight. They don't read anything else. Right. Oh, my, Harry Potter helped kids read. But no, they just read Harry Potter. No, they just read Twilight.

They don't read anything else. Oh, my daughter's kind of like that. She's like, you're going through Harry Potter again, honey. Right. You realize there are other books out there. But yeah, but Harry Potter, I mean, I've actually read them with my kids and they're actually there. I think they're kind of well written.

Whatever else you want to say about that. Much better than Twilight. But Twilight is just, you know, atrociously written. Whatever else you want to say about that. Much better than Twilight. But Twilight is just, you know, atrociously written. What it now, what does, and I'm sure they all run together because, you know, they're stylistically the same and probably shot within a month of each other. Oh, yeah. And, you know, rushed out to theaters as quick as possible. But did one, did one stand out as being better or worse than the other ones? Yeah, they got progressively worse.

I mean, it's like straight line down. And it starts really low, but then it just goes. It drills a hole into the earth just to plunge further. Like it had its own weird kind of dumb integrity before they had the werewolves, which were just giant wolves. I liked it before the werewolves. I was really, yeah. And then they had a whole thing. I don't know how much you guys followed it, but did you watch it to the bitter end?

I have never seen a Twilight. Oh, okay. I have also never seen it, but like some movies like The Boy in Dynamite or like different things, you don't have to see them to have to hear it all the time. Yeah, ubiquitous. But yeah, by the end they had, I forget who had a baby together, but there was a baby. And it was the creepiest – Frankenstein and the mummy had a baby, right?

Yeah, it was Kristen Stewart and then the werewolf guy or the vampire guy? One of those. Yeah, I forget who. I mean it was all convoluted. But the baby was this terrible CGI creation because theoretically the vampire babies are supposed to grow up really quick. So she went from fetus to like, you know. Hot teen. Well, yeah, just on the verge of hot teen.

Now I'm interested. Tell me more about these teens. The thing they did with the face to make it that effect happen on the baby is so uncanny valley. You know that expression? Just like, ah, that's, that expression, just like, ah, that's sort of real, but yeah,

yeah. Throw it out the window quickly. Nightmares. Yeah. Yeah. I guess, I guess, yeah,

probably not the desired effect for the viewer to want to throw the baby out a window. Yeah. I mean, I'm just, that's my personal. Yeah. No, I get it.

Uh, well, well, I, I want that for every baby though. I mean, Olivia, this is that's my personal. Yeah, no, I get it. I want that for every baby, though. Olivia, this is going out to you. Oh, God, I forgot what we dedicated this to. Someday, sail out of a window.

We will keep you away from the bad man, Olivia. So I watched a real stinker over the weekend that I, you know, did this to myself. It's, you know, I feel like it's me saying I watched this movie and it sucked is like, you know, when you see a little kid playing near an electrical socket. Right. I stabbed myself and I hurt. Yeah. That was an unexpected outcome. How did that, why did that happen?

I watched the Point Break remake, which is a thing that happened and maybe people wouldn't know because it was in theaters for less than the running time of the movie. Yeah, that just got... The movie is two hours long and it was in theaters for about 80 minutes.

They were trying to rush you out before it ended. Yeah, yeah. We're not playing this anymore. So I did not go to... I watched it on HBO Go. So it's something that happens with these streaming services is, you services is there's the time spent

watching and the time spent browsing. Oh my god. Yeah. And there's something that – it's weird. It will – you won't stop on it the first time but it will – You bookmark it. Yeah. You'll make a little place in your brain saying maybe you'll watch that someday.

Right. Like something that – and it just was happening to me with the Point Break remake over and over again. At first I'm like, oh my god. I remember that they made that. And then I'm like, I'm never watching that. And then I just kept thinking about it. Like I wonder what it is. Do they have the President's Mask?

Because Point Break is one of my favorite movies. Yeah, that's really fun. The original is really fun. It's a blast. It's like one of those just kind of like – something that I think only the Fast and Furious movies get these days is that what if an action movie is crazy and fun? Yeah. Totally. And has jokes.

And just a little bit absurd. Yeah, exactly. Well, I guess that's crazy kind of qualifies. Sorry. Yeah. I had my thesaurus out. No, no,

that's, I think that's a good, that's a good distinction that like it should be, you know, it should be in a little bit of a heightened reality where, you know, certain laws of physics don't. Oh yeah.

And we, you know, we just re-rift for our 10th anniversary of Riff Tracks. We rift, re-rift the Patrick Swayze Roadhouse. I adore. And one of the great things about that is like the, anniversary of Riff Tracks, we re-riffed the Patrick Swayze Roadhouse. I love that movie so much. I adore. And one of the great things about that is like the utter march into unreality.

Yeah. It's like where bouncers actually have national reputations. Yes. You could be a famous bouncer. Who's the best damn bouncer on the East Coast? I mean, if DJs can get that famous, I don't see it being crazy. Yeah. It's not. Yes, I don't see it being crazy. Yeah. It's not.

Yes, I know. Skrillex can be famous. Who is the bouncer equivalent of Skrillex? Yeah. But, you know, and this goes to your point because that was like prime Patrick Swayze era, both that and Point Break. He was like this weird, mystical, you know, hot karate surfing dude who, I don't know, was really a dancer. I know. I know.

It was, yes, a warrior poet. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a Tai Chi sex machine. So what about it was so horrible? So here, I mean, I think, okay, so here is the, so the conceit of the old point break is that Keanu Reeves. Can I interrupt? Yes. Just for a second.

I want to guess how they effed it up before you go on. Yes, please. I would love to hear. But explain the old one first. So the old one is Keanu Reeves is an FBI agent, which he will say out loud many times, I am an FBI agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dumb as a box of rocks, too. Yes, exactly.

It's just great. Johnny Utah is his name. Former college football star. I was the FBI. Yeah, I mean, and just, and, you know. FBI is kind of like football. I have many head injuries. I have many head injuries. You know what?

I shouldn't say this. He's John Wick now. He rules. He is, yeah. I just saw John Wick for my very first time. John Wick. My very first time. Yeah.

You never forget your first Wick. That's what I'm going back to. My rule does not apply to John Wick. People are saying he's back. Yeah, I'm thinking he's back. So it's Keanu Reeves, Johnny Utah, FBI agent, and he is sent undercover to investigate a ring of thrill-seeking bank robbers. And they suspect that the bank robbers are robbing the banks for the thrills that they can no longer get doing extreme sports, surfing, skydiving, these sorts of things. So he joins this surf gang. Oh, by the way, Lori Petty, ever the 90s crush. Yeah, that really puts it in an era, a specific era. Teaches him to surf so he can join this surf gang and he embeds himself with them.

This sounds like something Bubba would be doing. It's that true. Yeah. He would somehow make the surfboard blow up though. Right. Oh, no. them and this sounds like something uh baba would be doing it's that yeah i think that he would somehow make the surfboard blow up though right and uh so yeah so then this kind of thing happens where he has to take them down but also he feels like he's one of them uh and at some point patrick swayze throws a dog at him so perhaps the greatest movie scene of all time uh oh and then he punt kicks it and he drop kicks it like it seems related to john wick and that's in the dog thing yeah yeah um so yeah it's um it uh so so okay so that's the premise of the old one you had a theory as to how

you know i don't have a theory i I just wanted to like wing it basically. Like knowing what I do about Hollywood and remakes, I'm guessing they took all the fun out of it. Yep. Zero fun. There's no president masks. There's a nod to the president's mask. So here's – same thing. Thrill-seeking group of extreme sports

bank robbers. Can I just guess that they put in a little father-child sort of subtext in there? I may be wrong. Oh, no. They love doing that. God, don't they? Yeah. Everyone's dad wounded them in some way

to motivate them to do something. I'm going to guess the dog is CGI now. No. Oh. Allie, there is no dog. No one throws a dog at anyone. No one throws a dog at anyone. Idiots.

Fucking. You could have had a $50 million opening weekend if you just would have thrown a dog at someone. You wonder why you closed the first week? You don't throw a dog. Save the cat. You throw the dog. How many times do I have to tell you? The rules of screenwriting.

These are the rules of screenwriting. So, okay. So in this, Johnny Utah is not a former college football star, but he is an, his words, not mine, an extreme sports polyathlete. God damn it. He does it all all motocross who plays him uh a man a blonde man uh this this i mean i think this movie just just flies in the face of the notion that if to be in a movie you need any charisma at all right the men in this movie i'm talking to johnny utah the bode everyone looks like they should be in a movie but only as someone who says two things right or liam neeson punches them like they are goons everyone looks bode is is Gerard Butler, right?

Am I wrong? No, no. It's some guy. It's some – Oh, I thought it was – He is Spanish. He has a very thick accent that I might describe as wizzo-esque. Oh my god. Hard to understand.

Suddenly I have to see it. No, you don't. Oh, no. No, you don't. And that's also something that I took offense with is that – Because you hate Spanish people. I hate the Spanish. I hate their naps. Spanish-speaking people. Yeah. No, no. And I'm all for making it international. I think that's a cool way to go with it even though there's a little jingoist in me that thinks that Point Break is an American story. You know, it's the story of the –

Continue. I'm just going to do a little patriotic. It's the story – we as Americans, we founded this country on thrills. Throwing the T in Boston Harbor, crossing the Delaware. These were the first extreme sports. They are the bedrock of this great nation. Yes. We invented Mountain Dew, damn it.

Yeah. But the – so, okay. Also, something I didn't mention is that Gary Busey is in the original as – Oh, yeah. Yeah, as Johnny Utah's – FBI supervisor. FBI supervisor. Yeah.

His kind of kooky Busey-esque partner. Yeah. There is no part that Gary Busey does that is not kooky. Yeah, right. Yes. Down to earth. Yeah. Yeah, humble shopkeep.

Buy next door. Who never screams at anyone. Once you see those choppers, you know you're in for a ride. The Busey character is a random Australian guy, and they set him up to be Busey-like. When they say that – when Johnny Utah is told that he'll be working with a partner, they're like, you're going to meet Papas out there, and let's just say he's an acquired taste. I'm like, all right. A handsome man? He's not handsome.

He's just kind of an older dough man but has no characteristics. He's not an acquired taste. He's fine. He's very – He's older dough man, but has no characteristics. He's not an acquired taste. He's fine. He's very competent, nice, helpful. Very easy to pin down that taste. Yeah, well-dressed. A nice burger. Yeah, he's a nice burger of a man.

And I don't know if there's a script where he's played by Andy Dick or something. Right, right, right. But the man they got is the most normal of men. Emo Phillips. Right. I would love that. Please, just make it one more time. Emo Phillips in the Gary Busey role.

So the plot of this is that these thrill-seeking bank robbers who are shown early in the movie on security cam footage riding motorcycles with president helmets. There's an Obama. There's a W. President helmet. It's a motorcycle helmet with the president face on the front.

Oh, on the front. OK. Yeah. So this is a nod to the president mask, the iconic president mask. Dad. Original. So these guys are trying to perform the eight extreme sports ordeals that some sort of extreme sports guru has said will lead you to nirvana. Sports ordeals?

Ordeals, yeah. Oh, sports ordeals. Yeah, like an ordeal, a trial. I should have enunciated. Which kind of sounds cool. I love the phrase extreme sports ordeals. Deal. Deal, yes. Taking sports ordeals. Deal. Deal, yes.

Taking a second mortgage on your house. Extreme. Whoa. Chug a dude. Take out a mortgage. But yeah, it's just a slog. Some of the extreme sports ordeals, surfing a big wave, flying around on one of those Rocky the Flying Squirrel suits.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That happens. And some of those are very lovely, but they have kind of the dramatic quality of one of those test reels that's playing on a TV in Best Buy to show you how good the HD is. Stock footage. Yeah. Stock footage. Yeah.

It has all the drama of stock footage. It's just like, here's something we filmed on a cool drone. Anyway, back to our boring story with our dumb characters. So, yeah. Cannot in good conscience recommend the Point Break remake. Remakes are hard. I just saw the Blair Witch remake. Did you guys see that one?

No, I'm curious. Yeah, well, without spoiling it too much, although I suppose it is a little bit of a spoiler, so don't listen if you don't want to. Basically, the best part of the original... What's that? You'll yell at us anyways? Okay, internet. The best part of the original is, well, one, you really believed it was real based on how they were promoting it obviously you couldn't possibly think that now so i was just like wow they really are gonna have to go all out to make this convincing at all um they did do some cool stuff um admittedly like you know they have updated technology everybody kind of has their own gps device and drones and it's crazy but um

you see the monster in it um and that's kind kind of the worst thing they could have done in my opinion. Yeah, sure. But, I mean, yeah, it was scary if you've never seen a movie like that. But it was like – it was as – you know, it was not even as good as like the Paranormal remakes. And I've seen all of those, the Paranormal Activity ones. Oh, yeah, sure. Because I actually really like that franchise a lot. Those are really scary.

They really are. I've only seen the first one, but it was terrifying to the point where I kind of don't want to watch the other ones because I would be too scared. Yeah. That's the same thing, though, where the first one is much more realistic, the second one. And it also becomes really witchy and has conspiracy-type stuff, and it gets more. But I like that stuff. I'm someone that loves Harry Potter, as you mentioned. So I kind of like a little bit of magic in my scary movies.

A little sprinkling of fairy dust. It's a weird thing. When a movie is really successful and iconic, you know, the first thing they want to do is remake it. But there's also this competing pressure to, like, make it different. Yeah. So you have things like, you know, the remake of Willy Wonka with Johnny Depp, which I thought was reasonably successful given that they couldn't just have Gene Wilder do it again. I was looking at – for some reason I was looking at The Fly. Do you know that old movie from the 50s or early 60s with Vincent Price?

I know the Cronenberg Goldblum one. I have never seen the original. The first – and that was not a bad remake. But there's a thing at the end. I don't think – it's been out for whatever. Spoilers for The Fly.'t think it's been out for whatever. Spoilers for The Fly. 120 years it's been out. There's a moment at the end that is so scary.

It just freaked me out as a kid and has never left my head on some level, which is when they – I'll try to explain this briefly. Like they know like the professor has turned into a half fly. Yeah. And he finally basically commits suicide because he can't take it anymore. You think the movie's over. Then they find this little weird fly in a spider web and they hear this high-pitched sound saying, I think the Simpsons actually parried this at one point, right? Didn't they? Help me.

Help me. And then they zoom in and it's like a fly with the head of the scientist and a spider is approaching it. And you see it from his point of view. It's terrifying. It is terrifying. And you're right. That is in The Simpsons. It's Bart's head when he's on a little fly body that's three hours of horror.

And it's also in Emperor's New Groove. One of my favorite David Spade movies. Sure. Oh, yeah. It's actually not a bad movie. No, I couldn't agree with it. My roundabout point was that they didn't do that same scene in the Jeff Goldblum version, even though they found other cool things to do, which, you know, Brundlefly was pretty.

Yeah. The Jeff Goldblum one is a really just a gross. Gooey and icky. Like everything Cronenberg does. He throws goo at it. The women seem to like him. How about we make him disgusting? Yeah, right.

We'll show you, ladies. I don't think women liked Jeff Goldblum until that movie. I mean, I don't remember in real time, then suddenly he took his shirt off. It's like, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, get a load of that thorax. I felt it, yeah.

Yeah, Jeff Goldblum's sex symbol-ness is an interesting thing. It seems to kind of ebb and flow, and maybe he's back to sex symbol again? I know a lot of people that are my age that think he's so, so attractive. And I guess it would be because of Jurassic Park, because that would have been the first thing. He would have been a lot of people's first crushes because of that character. That's a sexually imprinting movie. It really is.

That whole movie. And I think a lot of the same women that liked Jeff Goldblum also later realized that they also liked Laura Dern. Like, you know.

Sure, yeah. Hmm. Witch, ooh, this is a buffet for the senses. They're both kind of tall. Both can handle their shit. But yeah, Jeff Goldblum

plays in Los Angeles at, I think, where is it? The Dresden or the place right next to it? I can't remember. But he plays jazz. I think the Rockwell. Yes, it's the Rockwell. This is a Los Angeles tradition that I feel like a fucking fool for never having done.

Let's go. He comes back. The Jeff Goldblum jazz piano hour. It is fun. I've been. Yeah. It's really great. And if you are a singer, you are able to go up there and sing with Jeff Goldblum. That's awesome.

It's really crazy. You have to know jazz. You know, you can't sing, you know, whatever is contemporary. But sure. Yeah. You can't sing your Drake's. If you want to get up there and sing a Drake. Do you know smack my bitch up?

I can improvise. Give me give me an E. So jazz. Wow. I mean, I've seen him on shows just sort of noodling around, but he's a serious player. He's got gigantic hands. So, I mean, he's kind of got an advantage. Damn.

As if we couldn't be more attracted to Jeff Goldblum. Oh, my God. He's the anti-Trump. I am off Laura Dern now. I'm on to him. Laura Dern, also larger hands. Oh, boy. Well, hey, let's take a little break.

We'll imagine Jeff Goldblum and Lauraura turn massaging us with their giant hands excuse me a second we'll uh we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica the great questions of your life great questions of your life should The great questions of your life. Should you put ketchup on a hot dog? Put ketchup on a hot dog. Toilet paper. Over or under. Toilet paper.

Star Wars or Star Trek? Star Wars or Star Trek. Fear not, my friends. Fear not, my friends. Mark and Hal always reach the definitive answer. Simply listen to We Got This with Mark and Hal every Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific on Maximum Fun. We got this. Your better self is right around the corner.

Namaste. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Oh, nice. You win. Yeah, good nickname. A couple of announcements here before we continue the program. October 30th, Jesse and I will be doing this program live at the Now Hear This Festival in Anaheim, California. It's a podcast con of sorts with over 30 shows. You got your comedy bang-bang, never not funny, W WTF with Mark Marin, Memory Palace, Doug Loves Movies all those casts you know and love and if you want to go to this swell event we got a discount code for tickets

put in JJGO and you get 25% off a three day pass, that's the Now Hear This Festival and we actually booked a cool couple of guests I said last week that we weren't quite ready to reveal who it was still maybe not

still might make you wait a little longer so yeah but I can say that it's a crossover that the fans have been demanding so if you have a guess it's the cast of Transformers oh fuck I can't believe I said all that shit if you have a guess. It's the cast of Transformers. Oh, fuck. I can't believe I said all that shit.

If you have a guess as to who it is, use hashtag guest guess on Twitter. Use hashtag guest guess and let us know who you think it is. Not guest guest. Guest guess. Yeah, guest guess. Okay. Guest. Yeah.

Guest. Guest. Okay. Guest. Guest is if you want to stay in an abandoned guest store in a mall. Guest. That was a clothing brand at one point, right? Yeah. Sure.

Maybe still is. Hey. And speaking of clothing, we're also sponsored. Sponsored by Guest. Sponsored by Guest. Hooray. Maybe not. Sponsored by Christopher Guest.

I don't know why the hell he's doing this. Sure. He doesn't want us to talk about a movie. He just wants us to mention his name. Christopher Guest, a fine man. We are actually sponsored by Cricket Shirts for Men. These are lovely shirts for the discerning gentlemen. They sent us a couple.

They're lovely. Fits amazing. Feels amazing. Cricket shirts, the perfect mix of old school style and modern design. Inspired by natty duds of years past by the likes of guys like Nicholas Palmer, JFK, and Dean. So, yeah, if these sound like shirts that you would enjoy, check out Cricut, C-R-I-Q-U-E-T, shirts.com, slash, JJGo, C-R-I-Q-U-E-T, shirts.com, slash, JJGo. And you get 20% off your first purchase. If 25 sounded too good to be true, it was.

But 20% ain't too shabby. CricketShirts.com. You enter promo code JJGO at checkout. That's promo code JJGO. 20% off Cricket Shirts. These are handsome items. I would surf on over there and check them out today. Got a Jumbotron message from No Regerts. That's my last name.

Oh, my gosh. It sounds similar to your last name. It's not No Gerts, but No Regerts. It's a fast-paced card game where you get epic tattoos to become the most badass while making your friends lame. And, you know, who doesn't want that? Seriously. I want to make my friends look lame. I know.

I got these cool-ass friends with their big dicks and beautiful skin. I want to make these assholes look lame. And I'm going to do it with no regerts. It's got great artwork and reviews like it's fun and engaging and has enough take that to be competitive but not a dick. Some of the best art I've seen in gaming. I don't know who these reviews are from. Someone probably. It's a great game for game night.

You back it on Kickstarter before time runs out. I don't know who these reviews are from. Someone, probably. It's a great game for game night. You back it on Kickstarter before time runs out. You get a copy of the game or pick a top reward. Seriously, back it now. Poisonfishgames.com slash Kickstarter. And if you want to give them an email, contact at poisonfishgames.com. That's no regerts. The Kickstarter from Poisonfish Games.

That's all the announcements. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Bill Corbett. I am a retired detective who sits in a chair all day and sends boy detective out to solve crimes. Thanks for the shot, boss. Oh, yeah. I won't let you down.

Hey, I'm just eating here. I'm Allie Gers, lover of sandwiches and Boy Detectives. Hey, two fine items, if you ask me. Hey, from time to time, and from time to time, I mean every single episode, we like to dip into our telephone mailbag and take some calls from our fans. Let's hear one now, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Chad.

I'm calling with a momentous occasion. Today I was at the local dog wash. I was giving my dog a bath. And the dog in the next tub over was this pug. And the owners kept trying to take a whole bunch of pictures of him while they were bathing him. And they kept trying to say, this is for your Instagram, this is for your Instagram, like it was going to convince the dog to behave. And meanwhile, the owners and employees of the dog wash kept giving them all these dirty looks

because they were taking a really long time. They were trying to take all these pictures, and there was a bunch of people waiting. Anyway, we went into the drying room to start drying our dog. They came in a couple minutes later and put their dog on the table. There was some safety goggles in the drying room for some reason, and they kept trying to put the safety goggles on the dog to take a picture, and it wouldn't cooperate. Finally, they get them on the dog. The dog's standing there. They start to take a picture for the Instagram, I guess, and the dog looks straight at them and just starts taking a dump. Okay.

What is going on here? I am not a dog owner. Is this something? Is this something that you can take your dog to, a dog wash with costumes? I want to ask that caller, what is it like to be rich? And the second thing I have to say is the goggles do nothing. Oh, the goggles. What are they theoretically for?

The goggles, I assume it would be to get soap, keep soap from getting in that little dog's eyes. Oh, so they actually are dog goggles. I thought it was in case a dog, you know, shook a lot and had the equivalent of porcupine quills. I don't know. Might be some weird breed. Sure, yeah. They're virtual reality goggles.

Pretending they're not at a bath. Because it's really boring to watch a dog get clean, as it turns out. Yeah. You put the goggles on the dog, and it feels like it's in the car instead of in a bath. It's doing something it loves. I have a hard time making fun of people that take pictures of their pets. Because, I mean, today, before I came over here, I was trying to find a way to kill time. And I made about six Instagram stories of me singing songs to turtles that were at the lake.

So, you know, that caller might not like me very much either. Hey, guys, follow Allie on Instagram or unfollow her, I guess. That's weird. I never considered the social dynamic of the dog washing place so deeply as I did today. I mean, I've never really, I never knew there was... Deeply, but not as deeply. We've all considered it. We've all written some novellas about it. Now I'm ready to make that

choice and to really think about it. It's weird that there's like a, you know, standing room only like, gotta get going everybody, wash those dogs. I never thought of it like that. Well, you know, the pilot of Seinfeld, they're at a laundromat, I imagine, if we did in modern day, it would probably be just two dudes trying to get their dogs cleaned.

Gotta wash your dog, Jerry. I love it. It's a dirty dog. It's dirty. Here's our Seinfeld reboot. Right. Surely it would be more successful than Seinfeld reboot. Right. Surely it would be more successful than the Point Break reboot.

You used too much shampoo. I think there was a key word in here that I think we maybe have run past. What is our goal here? To help this person come down from the freak out? All right. Yeah, yeah. No. That's always acceptable. Hold on.

Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah. No. That's always acceptable. Hold on. Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah. Cool. I think there's a key word here that I think says everything about this story, and that's this is for your Instagram. This is a dog who has his own Instagram. Right. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What do you think the Instagram handle is of that dog? Oh, boy. I mean, the breed will be in there. So it's something like, you know. Cutie muffins be shown. Love muffin. Yeah.

I said muffin twice, didn't I? I think it's perfectly. You can never say it enough. I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that this dog who has an Instagram has the word muffin in his name twice. Yeah, it'll be like, or, you know, like, at Doug the Awesome Pug. Right. At My Dog Never Shits on Table. Yeah.

Aw, we can't say that. Oh, yeah. We forgot about that element of the story, which is really the dog's aggressive hate shitting back at his owners. Yeah, I mean, I think the dog...

Like, you want me to be a cute little baby here. Here, look at this. Here's what a beast does. Here. I mean, I think the dog- Like, you want me to be a cute little baby? Here. Here, look at this. Here's what a beast does. I'm a beast. I do like that people will be so insecure that they internalize when dogs take a shit. Like, oh, it's because it hates me. He's like, no, it's because it has to go.

It's an animal. It doesn't realize that it's in a really nice place. Quite biological. Yeah. Oh, he's mad at me. Oh, boy. Oh, what did I do? I changed his food and I didn't think he'd notice, but clearly. I've been working real late lately.

No, it's a dog. It just shits wherever it wants to. Okay. I think we've sufficiently ticked off the dog washing place. Brian, you got it. We did. We solved it. Congratulations. Ta-da. The puzzle is complete. Yeah, we solved that. I was delivered to this house, and there was this very young girl and someone who I assume was her grandmother hanging out by the pool.

Wonderful people, absolutely. And then when they had paid and they were all set, I turned to go, and I hear the little girl behind me say, Goodbye, Mr. Pizza Man. I love you more than my whole family. And then she stops and reconsiders, and you can hear it in her voice. She's like, well, I love you more than my mom, at least. And that just carried me on through the rest of the day. All right. Have a good one, everybody.

Wow. Can somebody say relatable? Yeah. Congratulations on stealing the love of a mother, you charming pizza bastard. Yeah. No, I mean, there was a time when I ran away from my home to be with Papa John. Dealing the love of a mother, you charming pizza bastard. Yeah. No, I mean, there was a time when I ran away from my home to be with Papa John, who I consider to be my real father as a child. I actually have this like ongoing, you know, it comes in waves, but I have this ongoing relationship on Twitter with, I think it's like Totino's.

They're like the frozen pizza bites. And then DiGiorno. And then also, what was the one that they... So you like all the fakey Italianate name places. Yeah, well, I'm vegan. I can't even eat cheese. Oh, no. But, yeah, I know. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Sorry. I'm just imagining myself doing that and panicking. I'm sorry. So I have all these pizza companies that I guess we kind of have like this pseudo like flirty Twitter banter back and forth. And my dream is to be the face of one of these. Flirting with brands. Flirting with pizzas.

Yeah, I would love to be the face of one of these pizza things at least for a day like as a contest winner. But I get being in love with that pizza brand. And I don't even it's not even about pizza at this point for me it's just the idea which it can't be for you right there's actually really good vegan pizza if you're a vegan if you're not a vegan then it's just like oh what happened to my pizza yeah it's less good yeah um i would never say that like vegan food is is like bad i actually think it it's really great. But anytime it's like super good, I'm just like, uh-oh, this isn't vegan. There's some hidden pork in here.

Some mystery pork. Don't ask, don't tell. Yes, exactly. Oh, I guess it's vegan. Of the pizza brands, who's got the best Twitter game, would you say? DiGiorno, for sure. Oh, really? Don't even have to think about it.

Sorry, other pizza guys. Do they do it in the voice of like a cliche Italian chef? I think they'd be really racist to do that, which is why I love it. Throw back a Thursday. Like our revanchist racism here. Yeah. No, it just really has knocked, like it's really found that very tumblery millennial kind of not brandon wardell fully millennial but it's got that like it's got that vibe sure it's not you know dicks out for

pizza but it you know right yeah it's it's just it's cute and it's young and it's fun and um oddly male and so you know we hit masculine sure yeah it's a very masculine pizza twitter male people on Twitter. I'm just like, I got it. Right. It's weird to engage with the brands on Twitter because, I mean, every now and then I think, oh, yeah, there is some harried intern, overworked intern trying to make this work. And it's a delicate thing.

But I once got dunked on by Applebee's. No, girl. I said something about Applebee's. I didn't even, like, at Applebee's them. I just mentioned their name. They just have a Google alert for the name. Yeah, they must have. They're like, you know, Trump.

He's just searching his name all the time. Bill Corbin, loser. Mystery Science Theater. Very unsuccessful show. Bad. Lame. It was not even a particularly, you know, devastating tweet. But, you know, it was like, Applebee's food is garbage.

It's like plasticky food. And they came back at me, and they were loaded for bear. They were being funny. I forget what they said, but a couple of people did the equivalent of, ooh, on Twitter. Applebee's man just threw down. What are you going to do?

And I kind of gave up because I just figured they would win. I bet you if you are the Applebee's Twitter account, you have like stock responses loaded. I was going to say they probably pulled it out of the file. I think somebody said afterwards they did. Like they're ready to go and they'll slightly retool it. Yeah, but they secretly – Crafty bastards.

Paid a lot of money. They got- Should probably spend that time making good food. No, Twitter slams. The Twitter game is strong. I bet they spent a lot of money to secretly fly out Anthony Jezelnik and Jeffrey Ross and Nikki Glaser to their compound to write Applebee's one-liners. And they're like, we'll take your money, but you could spend it on not like serving

ground up chicken beak instead. You know, quiet. Know your place. Joke, man. Yeah. You know, I mean, I kind of agree that it is so like absurd that, you know, people talk to brands on Twitter as if it's a person or if the brand is a person. And, you know, like, why would you follow Charmin? that people talk to brands on Twitter as if it's a person or if the brand is a person.

And why would you follow Charmin? What information are you getting from following Charmin? It's mostly airline complaints. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I actually did get – I was really pissed at Angie's List. Do you know that company? Yeah, sure. This is a place where you will go to find – Oh, the car stuff?

No, it's something like that. You pay a little fee and then you get deals, basically, from local vendors. When I bought a house, I became super lame. But they did some... Something really went wrong with one of the deals

and I complained on Twitter like an idiot. And Angie herself, of the list, got back to me and decided to make it right. It's like, all right, I've got social media power.

It's actually Angelina Jolie. That's why this has happened. That's why her and Brad Pitt broke up. She's spending too much time on the list. We're getting married. But yeah, as someone who runs a brand's Twitter account, I can tell you that a lot of people that interact are lunatics. I bet.

Oh my God, I forgot you did that. So you know this. I do. And, you know, I don't know what it has taught me other than, you know, not to read stuff. Don't read. Anything. You never know. You might be taking that lesson a little far, but I don't know. I don't read anything. Not even newspapers.

That's good. Good. Thank you. You know what? Word's bad. Word's good. Good. Thank you. You know what? Good. Word's bad. Word bad. Picture good.

Video game very good. Oh, yeah. Me like blimp. That tattoo video game that's sponsoring you guys? Yes. That sounds great. I think that's a card game. I think it's a competitive card game. I don't have any tattoos.

So anything that is like tattoo without commitment sounds fun to me. It does kind of sound fun. I know. Do you have tattoos? No. I don't think it tattoos. So anything that is like tattoo without commitment sounds fun to me. It does kind of sound fun. I know. Do you have tattoos? No. I don't think it would fit my personality. Say you sure. Yeah.

I love things enough to – I love them a lot, you know, enough to write songs about them or have a podcast about them and posters. But, yeah, I don't know. I'd rather just have a T-shirt. But I know that's such a stupid stance to have. And my sisters are – they have amazing tattoos. Everyone else has them. I always think they're cool. I just feel a little bit square.

I feel like I like that about me. I kind of like not having tattoos. It's the new cool thing to have no tattoos. Do you have no tattoos? I don't either. But I mean, I always thought, yeah, I'm not going to like this in 25 years. That's my thing. The feeling that I have now.

It's born out to be true. Yeah, yeah. That's my thing. Feeling that I have now. Yeah. It's born out to be true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like, I mean, if recent history has taught us anything, it's that a thing that is widely considered good can turn out to be bad or evil at the drop of a hat. Right. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that like it. Bill Cosby. There's no. I just love his solid down there.

I have a jello pudding pop on my arm. My band name was Cosby Sweater. I still have tons of CDs and shirts. I had posters that had a melted pudding pop. I mean, you know, they're for sale. Sure. And I mean sale. Yeah, they're going to anything must go.

No offer too low on Cosby sweater posters. I will pay you. Starland vocal band, they suck. Yeah, I mean, I feel like can you, I mean, listen, I don't want to mansplain to you how to get rid of these posters, but can you just add an R, Crosby sweater. Crosby sweater. The kids love David Crosby. Kids love David Crosby. That octogenarian walrus guy.

You know, most of my listeners, including the guy that wanted me on here, they're all dads. I'm sure that they would honestly get the reference even better. Oh, sure. And I have not, even before the Bill Crosby upset, it was still just saying, what about Crosby? Because I'm just like, yeah, I already picked my thing. I'm going to go with this. Just go with this. But thank you, old gentleman.

Gee whiz. That does not sound very healthy. Thank you, man in khaki shorts. I will consider it. Yes. So, Brian, did we have any more calls in there? We got one more? Guys, let's hear one more. Let's do it.

Hey, this is Noah. I am calling with a momentous occasion. I just had my right hip replaced like three hours ago. And I'm in a lot of pain, but they're giving me a lot of drugs. Just thought you might like to know. Love the show, guys. Bye. Can we take a quick weeping break here?

Yeah, poor guy. Oh, man. Yeah, hip replaced. I always do appreciate the drugged up call. One of my faves. Yeah. You know, not going to encourage people out there to do drugs. I will.

Yeah. Allie will. Olivia, this goes out to you. Go out and get your hip replaced. You're a. Yeah. Allie will. Olivia, this goes out to you. Go out and get your hip replaced and get fucked up. Yeah.

Free meds. New robo hip and a shit ton of Vicodin. Get that hip replaced. You sounded kind of young to,

I mean, the hip replacement I associate with way down the line of life. Yeah, I mean, but,

you know, these millennials, they got these exploding Samsungs. Hip is right. Hey! It's very dangerous out there. Yeah, so, yeah, you know, we appreciate it. Definitely give us a call no matter what state you're in. But especially if you're on drugs.

Yeah, especially if you're on drugs. No matter what state of the union or what state of mind you're in. What was this you're on drugs. Yeah, especially if you're on drugs. No matter what state of the union or what state of mind you're in. What was this gentleman's name? I don't remember. I'm going to say Francis. Francis, get well soon. Yeah.

And change your name to Francis. We love you, Francis. So if, like Francis, you're jacked up on some sort of drug, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a minute on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I am Bill Corbett. I am now a boy detective I am Benjamin Buttoning my detective wife yep uh Allie Gertz

uh you don't have to do a new nickname each time what if I want to well then you can I won't I'm still the baby

thrower out of window work it's a good one uh guys thank you so much uh for being guests on this program what a treat thank you uh yes uh Jesse. Guys, thank you so much for being guests on this program.

What a treat. Thank you. Yes. What a treat. Thank you. I enjoyed it. Did I sound robotic? I'm sorry.

Jesse will, in theory, be back next week for a more traditional episode of the program. Before we go, let's gab about what folks can consume that has your name on it, Bill. Of course, Riff Trax exists. RiffTrax.com to find all your most hilarious movies. That's the main thing, I'd say. And we're doing another live show broadcast around the country through Fathom Events around Halloween. I think it's October 27th and Halloween itself, which is Carnival of Souls, that weird early 60s movie.

Oh, boy. These Riff Trax live shows are so much fun. I try to never miss one. You can go into a movie theater with a bunch of other Riff Trax heads and laugh your ass off like a bunch of dorks. It's really, really fun. I couldn't recommend these things more. If you're a Riff Trax fan, if you're a Mystery Science Theater fan, these are fucking blasts.

Well, thank you. Yeah, it's fun. Yes. Allie, first of all, I want to say I'm sorry for ingest suggesting at the top of the show that you were not going to become a beloved guest, which you clearly did and then some. Oh, man. You've proven, yeah, you've proven him wrong. I feel like a chump for even suggesting that.

Yep. You have a lot of things that I think our listeners would like to ingest. A particular favorite of mine is your music, I think I mentioned at the top. Often funny, often sad. Both in twain a lot of times for fans of Jonathan Colton and the like.

Ooh, thank you. The music of Allie Gertz is really, really wonderful. Do you have a place to shove people to listen to that music? Yeah. You know, as I said earlier, my band name truly was Cosby Sweaters. Sure. So the first album that I have, which is a lot of that Jonathan Coulton-y kind of folky, sad, if we're samey man, loved Ren and Stimpy type music, you could go to Spotify and iTunes and Bandcamp and all that and look up Cosby Sweater, C-O-S-S-B-Y Sweater.

It was a high fidelity reference. It wasn't even up Cosby Sweater, C-O-S-S-B-Y Sweater. It was a High Fidelity reference. It wasn't even Bill Cosby. And then my newest album, which is actually almost a year old, is a Rick and Morty concept album. It's called Sad Dance Songs. It's all this like almost techno, like sad electro pop. And then just follow me on Twitter and everything at Allie Gertz. And I think I would be a fool

not to mention that you have a podcast about the fucking Simpsons. Which you have been on and it's been so great. Yeah, I was so happy to have you on that show. It's called Everything's Coming Up Podcast. And yeah, we were just at the Podfest and we're going to have

Weird Al on very soon. That's the one I'm most looking forward to, I'm going to say. Yeah. And tune in for that because we're going to keep going until we're out of good episodes.

Yeah, you guys have great guests. Oftentimes, Simpsons writers. Which is so exciting because they end up being even nicer than their jokes are funny.

Yeah, it's a really great show and I think definitely we have Simpsons fans in our audience. So definitely check that out when possible. Yeah, one more time, go see us at the Now Hear This Fest on October 30th. JJ Go for those discounted tickets. Jess will be back next week. Brian Fernandez on the boards.

Yay! Yay! Back from England, in the boards back from England in the US in his rightful seat yep that's all bye ah geez Rick

ah please Rick stop taking me on these adventures where I can't trust what I remember. Cause parasites got in our brains, so I don't know if I've gone insane. Geez, Rick, you sure love seeds, Rick. You sure love Cedric I'm missing school and getting no sleep You're dripping a drool and being a creep

I don't know how you dragged us here But I want to make this loud and clear I'm done But you're as smart as I am dumb So I know that you'll find someone To take all the crap I no longer find fun But if there's a timeline for your kind

You'll find me in that one. Ah, she's red. Ah, please red. Leaving's tough, but I just got to curse. Feelings suck like Coach Baratu. Don't be like Mr. Jelly Bean When I say No to what I mean

She's Rick Ah He's Rick They're scared of love And getting married Always hide their scary territory. Never tell me that you're proud.

Now squanchy squanching much too loud. I'm done. But you're as smart as I am dumb. So I know that you'll find someone to take all the crap. I no longer find fun. But if there's a timeline where you're kind,

find me in that one. MaximumFun.org Comedy and Culture. Artist Owned. Listener Supported.