Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 449: Sipowicz Butt with Allan McLeod

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Actor Allan McLeod joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of showing your butt on TV, Allan's desire to smoke weed with his dad, and the surprising amount of dog movies that Dean Cain has starred in.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Who, me? I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. What? Jordan Moore's boy detective. I like this, I like this surprised approach we're taking to the show now, Jordan. What? You do?

Okay, uh, alright, uh... Oh no, Jordan, cool out, man. What? Cool out. Oh, now, Jordan. What? You do? Okay. All right. Oh, no, Jordan, cool out, man. Cool out. Chill, dude. It's the same dumb show we've been doing for ten years.

Wait a minute, now you're a cat? I am. Oh! Oh! Hey, buddy. How you doing? I'm doing okay.

Great. Yeah, back from a big trip. Back from a massive tour. Yeah, you held it down in my absence. World tour? Thank you for doing that. Do you consider it a world tour? Well, it's certainly a world tour.

You travel to a second country. That's what constitutes a world tour. Yeah. You go to one country, America. Yeah. The only country that matters. Right. And then to a second, a lesser country.

To be honest, I had no idea there were other countries. Yeah, there are. And they want nothing more than to either become us or to obliterate us. Right. I had sort of pictured, I mean, I knew about Vancouver. Mm-hmm. I went there once. Mm-hmm.

It was okay. It was sort of a shitty Seattle. Then beyond that, I just kind of pictured like a lunar landscape. Yeah, like a void of nothingness. There was fire. Okay. Like in my imagination, there was sort of rocks and fire. Yeah.

And like a kind of like a hunched. You know, and I thought that for a long time too too, until I got a lovely atlas for my birthday. Really? Yes. And I just read this thing on the can. There are so many other, I don't want to say wonderful. Right. Because that would, you know, put down the good old U.S. of A.

Right. And that's the last thing we want to do. Not want to do. Stand for the anthem. Sure. Absolutely. Right, and that's the last thing we want to do. Not want to do. Stand for the anthem. Sure, absolutely. But, you know, they've got some nice qualities. A lot of them have American chains.

You can go to a Starbucks if you want to. Oh, yeah. Really? Can I say, I know we're doing like a weird irony bit here. Yeah. But can I say a genuine thing about Starbucks? Yeah, please do. I did something the other day where I was walking by the Starbucks and I-

It's the popular coffee chain for folks who don't know. Did you know it's pumpkin spice season? Is it really? It's pumpkin spice season at Starbucks. And it occurred to me that this is a phenomenon. Yeah. Bigger than the is a phenomenon. Yeah. Bigger than the McRib. Yeah.

Bigger than the Shamrock Shake. Bigger than the Shamrock Shake. Bigger than the Pork Blizzard. And you know what? That's a DQ item. In terms of late night comedy at this point, bigger than horny Bill Clinton. You're right. Yeah.

Yeah. Pumpkin Spices Everywhere jokes have eclipsed Bill Clinton loves to fuck in the late night landscape. But I'll say this as a man who writes for a lesser late night comedy show. It's a wonderful show

at midnight on Comedy Central. Lesser ratings wise not quality wise. Quality wise it's top tier. Yeah. I like a horny Bill Clinton joke. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun.

He loves to fuck. Anyway. But I was realizing I've never had one of these pumpkin spice lattes. You know, the world is talking about it. Sure. Online, offline. In between. So I get one of these, one pumpkin spice latte i say to the

starbucks man venti yeah oh boy i mean i say small right but uh and i take a sip i'm like oh yeah i got one of these last year thinking i had never had one, and it fucking sucked. And it sucks now. This happens to me basically every year where I walk by and I'm like, I've never had one. How have I never had one of these? I should join the conversation. Get a pumpkin spice latte. It's like five years running that I have had that dialogue in my head. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a weird memento thing where I just keep having two sips of this thing, realizing that it's gross, and then wishing it was gone.

It's sort of interesting, kind of ironic that you have had that relationship with the pumpkin spice latte. I literally, 73 meals straight, pork blizzards. Thinking you've never had one. No, the whole time. I just got to have another pork blizzard. Yeah, got to get that pork mixed in with that soft serve. Yum, yum. I get, well, that's where you're wrong, Jordan.

You're speaking to your coastal elitist status. Oh, boy. Pork blizzards are actually a sort of pork paste with candy mixed in. So I usually get Butterfinger bars. So the pork stands in for the ice cream. Right, exactly. It's liquid pork with candy mix-ins. I wouldn't call it liquid.

It's like a paste. Okay. You said paste and I said liquid. I'm sorry I wasn't listening. Yeah, I mean it's a little thicker than a liquid. Yeah. But maybe it's a gel. It may technically be a gel.

Sure. But that- We'd have to ask the folks at Gillette. Might be nice to have a- That's nice to have that sweet and that savory. It is a really nice combination. My favorite is Butterfingers, as I said. Sometimes I like to get the- What are those called?

Jelly bears. You know what I'm talking about? Jelly bears. Well, maybe this is my coastal elitism. I know them as gummy bears. Yeah, no. In the heart of America, we call them jelly bears. Yeah, you call them jelly bears.

You're from the Rust Belt, right? Yeah. And then, you know what I do like to get sometimes? Oyster crackers. Just throw them in there, huh? Just get some oyster crackers in there. Get them in there. That's fun.

Should we introduce our guest on the program this week? I'd love to. Oh, what a joy to have this guy here on the program. I mean, folks, this is a genuine television star. This guy's on a rocket ship to super success, and we're just roasting in his afterburners at this point. He's the star of the smash hit, both critically and with audiences,

FXX series, You're the Worst. Which, here's a fun fact, Jordan, is the best. You've also seen him on Drunk History and just around town, maybe at the Grove. Alan McLeod, how are you, sir? Hey, oh, well, I'm so, oh my gosh, I'm so honored with that intro.

Star is putting it very mildly. You're top ten. You're one of the top ten or twelve people on that show. No, yeah, no, I'm – that's – thank you. Thank you. It was so nice to be here with you guys. Wow. Can I address –

Yeah. Hmm. Do you guys want to jump in feet first? I want to say one thing real quick before we jump in feet first. If any part of that introduction sounded insincere because of my naturally insincere voice combined with my insincere comic affect. I just want to say I really do love You're the Worst. Oh, it's a great show. One of my favorite shows.

Yeah. I do too just because I'm just being where I am and it just, I could, the first season I wasn't, you know, in a few episodes I could just watch it and just truly enjoy it because I wasn't in all of it. I'm glad I died so early in Game of Thrones for the same reason. Yeah. Glad I died in that third episode. Yeah.

That's why I hate the ABC nightly news on it every night. I can't really appreciate it from an outsider's perspective. Sure. Alan, I want to talk about, I guess, as we're taping, this is last night's episode of You're the Worst. But I guess when people hear this, it'll be last week's episode. And let me know if this is a delicate topic. Last Sunday Funday?

Last Sunday Funday. Mm-hmm. You, and let me know if this is a sensitive topic and if I should back off. Please, please. But you had to show the requisite amount of cable butt, right? Oh, please. The contract that I had, the nudity rider I had to ride, it says Sipowitz butt and an X by that. And the other type of butt is like the sunscreen with the little girl with the dog. Dog mishap butt. Dog mishap butt.

And so this said Sipowitz butt. I'm like, all right, I'm fine with that. Yeah, no, I had to fully do that. The thing with my character is he's got bowel issues. And so it's just a running thing. If there's a toilet around, then I'm going to be sitting on it. And, yeah, they were just like, hey, do you mind? Showing off the goods. How did they broach the issue to you uh well steven will just come over he had actually so there's i mean i don't

want to give too much of a spoiler but i do there's another episode in the future uh just i'm sure that's going to bring in a lot more new viewers of my ass and so that we were we were shooting on another day so i had already cleared it for this other episode so they were just like i'm sure he doesn't mind doing it here because we shoot it all out of order so i'd already shot the one thing before the other thing and so i was like oh just go ahead and you know have your ass out here too how about that and i'm all for you know uh comment anything i can add you know, have your ass out here too. How about that? And I'm all for, you know, uh, calm, anything I can add, you know? Sure. So that was, that was, Stephen was just like, Hey, do you mind? I was like, well, how much, you know, what are we, what are we looking at here? The, the problem, the, the, the specific issue with this was I was, um, I'm a very pasty

man and, uh, I get, uh, I re get regularly checked for for moles whether i need to get have them removed and so my dermatologist had just right before that told me uh there's one on your butt here that we might want to just take a look at you know send off to be biopsied and i was like um can we hold off till monday because friday i'm supposed to shoot a thing where I show my butt on TV. Is that okay? And then so I had to hold off on that. How's that, doc? I mean, I guess he's heard that. So he didn't even – he was like, yeah, that's fine.

Come back Monday. These Hollywood doctors, they got to deal with a lot of stars. Giving them B-12 shots. Sure. But it's become a regular thing now that I have someone make up my butt a little bit just to kind of cover... They make up the butt. Yeah, they'll put a little

powder on just to keep the shine down. I don't know where exactly the camera's going to be but I think I might have a scabby here or maybe just a little red guy here if you don't mind. I just would rather... If this is going to be screenshotted, you know, can you just would rather if this is going to be screenshotted you know i mean can you just put on mr skin.com oh yeah i mean i'm all i've got my own page on mr skin now

oh help me so so when you are showing the butt on cable is is something covering the junk do you have some sort of or is that is it just you know obviously you would edit out the junk but right for the shoot is something covering the junk something's covering there either is a like uh well there's either a little baggy which i've used which is just a little and that's the saddest one that's the that's the b my b choice if i have an option um i would go for the other choice which is just a basically a g-string kind of a thing that's skin colored you know um but the other option is which i think i was wearing the g-string last night's episode if we're taking notes here but uh the someone is someone is someone is but uh the the

the other thing is just a like a a bag uh uh that's a little cloth pouch the pouch that uh they call a cock sock and it's got a drawstring and you just put it you just put it right over the it's like a shoe bag like a bag that you would keep your shoe in if you were putting it in your luggage. Right, right. Yeah, just but an average size shoe, one shoe. See, I kind of resent this. I'm probably – we've been doing this show a long time. I probably mentioned it, but I have upwards of two professional acting credits.

One of which was when I was still living in San Francisco, I did a television commercial for a local arts college. And when they called to tell me that I got the job, the woman said – and they mentioned the special circumstances, right? And I said, no, they didn't. She said, oh, you're going to have to be nude. Is that okay? And I said – For a commercial? Yeah, they didn't. She said, oh, you're going to have to be nude. Is that okay? And I said – For a commercial? Yeah, for a commercial.

And I said, okay, you know. And I assumed that they would provide me with – I had fantasies of G-strings and dick bags and the whole nine yards. Sure. I mean, I think we've all fantasized about a dick bath from time to time. They just said, okay, time to go. Like, we shot a version of the commercial where I wore, like, boxer shorts. And then a version where I was holding, like, a moving box.

The tag of the commercial was that I had been fired from my job, but it was okay because I was going to go become creative. And just where I'm holding a moving box in front of my dong with my like desk effects in it. And then one where they like pixelated, showed and pixelated my junk that was only on the internet. And that was the one where you had nothing covering it and they just had the camera rolling on you? So neither of the other two did I have anything covering it. I just, they like removed a couple of people from the set that were like totally unnecessary. You know, like a craft services person. Yeah.

There's a couple of pervos working there, but like, they just were like, yeah. Okay. Like look at their watch. Okay. Time to take your dick out,

sir. It was really intense. And the, like the only comfort was that no one, you know, it was pixelated enough that while certainly my nude body was a punchline, but I had signed up for that. I was getting my $400 check or whatever. But I knew that it wouldn't go on TV.

I'd be in my boxer shorts on TV. go on TV, you know. I'd be in my boxer shorts on TV. And then I was working the bar at San Francisco Sketch Fest like a year or two later. And somebody said, you know, I think I know your face from somewhere. And I said, oh, you know, we just performed at Sketch Fest. And he said, no, it's not that. And I said, oh, I've been in this local television commercial that's been running a lot for expressions and he said

yeah that's it and he goes yeah I interned at that ad company I've been looking at your dick all summer oh boy I was like well thanks a million might be nice to get a hold of see if you can get a hold of the post guy

who's going to pixelate it just slip him a fiver and say, hey, can you add a couple extra pixels? He works cheap. Five bucks. Yeah, he can add a couple extra pixels for five bucks. I think that's fair. What's it to him?

Let's be honest, they barely had to pixelate my situation. Well, you know, it's probably a good eight to ten pixels there. It's a little Mario hat. A Mario hat's worth of pixels. One Koopa Troopa. Yeah. It's definitely a bit of a – there was a commercial I was in where they just kind of sprung it on me.

I was jumping on a bed with excitement about Kevin Garnett joining a basketball team. basketball team and uh and they were just going to slow play all these reactions to this happening in slow motion of all these people reacting to this and i was jumping on a bed with excitement and uh sports fan excited and then and then the director's like how about you take off your clothes and do that and uh it was just you know it's like one of my first commercial jobs and it was just, you know, it's like one of my first commercial jobs. And it was just like, okay. I wasn't comfortable with it. But I just want to see chubby guy jumping on the bed, undulating in slow motion. It was like the worst feeling. And then they're like, okay.

Okay, good. And that's a wrap on Alan. It's like you're just leaving. You know, covering yourself. You're just wearing one of those silver blankets all right there's a wrap on ellen get out you make a sick get out get out did you at least when in the are you the worst thing do you at least get a nice round of applause from the crew it seems like that would be a more supportive environment like right when you take it out i i have to say this was the yeah round of

applause uh there's a scene where i'm not from last night's episode but there's a scene where i'm standing in front of uh of the of kether don who's her husband on the show and i have to reveal myself to her and her first reaction was just laughing like it was not written that way she just like burst out laughing which is i was like kevin this is terrible for me why are you doing this please i'm a grower don't do this she was like i'm sorry i'm sorry you're so you're so big you should at least gasp. Like, oh, mercy. Oh, my. It was just terrible.

But we made it through. We made it through. And, you know, it's a real bonding experience when you have, like, eight crew guys there. And it's just. Everybody goes for a beer afterwards. Clink. Raise a glass to. Yeah, you really get close to these people after a while. Once you put on

that butt makeup, it's the same thing as with astronauts. You know, they put on the butt makeup and then they're very close. Yeah. They're putting on the butt makeup and zero gravity and then they go out there for those moonwalks, those naked moonwalks.

That's why they call it a moonwalk is because those naked moonwalks. That's why they call it a moonwalk, is because you take out your butt, and that's why you have to apply the makeup, is because the butt will have to come out. I don't need to explain space to everybody. Everybody knows this. We have science fans in the audience, I'm sure.

You guys remember the space shuttle? Yes. Oh, okay. No, I'm just saying it to the audience. Oh, yeah. I wasn't addressing you specifically. Of course you remember the space shuttle. No, I'm just saying it to the audience. Oh, yeah. I wasn't addressing you specifically. Of course you remember the space shuttle, Jordan. I'm a space nut. You were in astronaut training for 18 months.

Yeah, couldn't finish. Clubfoot. Well, and it's a popularity contest. And if you got a clubfoot, you ain't winning no popularity contest. That's the wrong club to be in. Yeah, right, yeah. I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have a club Everybody hates a club. That's the wrong club to be in. Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have a club foot as a member. I have this.

Groucho Marx. I have a children's book about a mouse that goes to space, and it's written by a real-life astronaut. And he's a mouse? Yeah. It's written by this. I mean, there's two remarkable things about this mouse. He came back from space super intelligent, as mice tend to do.

And I love and respect America's spacemen. Men and women. I think that, like, obviously to become an astronaut, you have to have seven PhDs and be able to bench press 500 pounds and all this. You know, like they're really remarkable human beings. But the book is so bad that I resent all astronauts.

The space program as a whole. to cede space to the Chinese on the basis of how incoherent the plot arc of this book about a space mouse is that was written by a real-life astronaut. So the mouse goes to space. So the mouse goes to space. Is he in the space program with other mice, or is he the one mouse astronaut

in a team of humans? Okay. He is a mouse. His character apparently is is a mouse. His character apparently is a regular mouse. And it seems he goes to space training first. Does his space helmet have little ears? Is there holes cut out for the ears or does it have a helmet area that the ears can go in? I think the ears are crushed under the helmet.

area that the ears can go in. I think the ears are crushed under the helmet. It's as though he is an experimental mouse with some other experimental mice. He is not presented as a full-fledged member of the team. Okay? And he's unlikely

to be chosen. So the first arc is, will he be chosen? Probably not because he's too scrawny or something. Then you'll be surprised to learn that one of the astronauts thinks he has a lot of heart or something and he gets picked to go to space. So then he's in a mouse cage on the space shuttle. Again, he's not an astronaut at this point. He's just in a mouse cage.

They're going to torture him until he dies and measure how long it takes in space versus on Earth or whatever it is that they do to mice. This is all text, right? Yeah. Someone's saying this. Exactly. It's a text-based adventure game.

Oh, okay. Like Zork. Sure, sure. Adventure games. Oh, okay. Like Zork. Sure, sure. And so then they drop a very important key behind a console and no one can get it.

And they think, oh, we should ask one of the mice. That's a good idea. He previously had not seen – he seemed only to be a regular mouse. But then they present as completely normal that he would be able to go do something on behalf of the astronauts and wear a space suit and be part of the team and talk to the astronauts. So that part of his powers is introduced a third of the way into the book. It seems, and yeah, it seems to me that, right, because space animals are there to die, basically. And I guess maybe if you're a kid reading the book, you don't know that, but.

We know that. Yeah. We know about Laika the space dog. It seems, yeah. The tragic space dog. Was there sort of a meta section right there where you just see the writer going, oh, yeah, this is supposed to be a kid's book. Hey, here's a little space suit, buddy. Yeah. Go find the key.

In a world where people and animals can communicate, it seems cruel to send the animals into space. Yeah, in a cage. Yeah. Certainly. In a mouse cage. It's cruel to send the animals into space. Yeah, in a cage. Yeah.

Certainly, in a mouse cage. It's like four mice in this little tiny, like a clear plastic. There's some union rules they're breaking right there. Then he helps them and he becomes a space hero. Then there's like 12- Just by getting the key? Yeah. Then there's 12 more pages of book that I don't remember what it's all denouement so there's a mouse like kind of settling into the private sector and realizing that he's bored and

he'll occasionally look up at the stars and yeah like speaking at libraries sure yeah you know whatever commencement speeches finding other keys ending up he'll have his wife drop a key behind the dressers so he can feel the thrill working found the key in space working at a subaru dealership in taos he's trying to find himself but like really this book has and it's such a it's such a garbage book that i sincerely like not as a joke joke, as I'm reading it, and it's also not like totally incoherent. It's just that it's like six books in a row of different types and styles. And so I can't like fully dismiss it. And it's competently illustrated because it's not illustrated by the astronaut.

And it's competently illustrated because it's not illustrated by the astronaut. And it really makes me angry at all of those who risk their lives to discover new frontiers. Well, I think that's reasonable. Yeah. I mean, but I mean, I think it's important that kids learn that glory is fleeting. Everything ends. that glory is fleeting. Everything ends. You know, if you're in the happiest part of your life,

it'll end soon. Right. And you'll have to kind of settle into drudgery. Yeah. Have you seen the Sick Transit Gloria episode of Paw Patrol? I haven't. I've heard it's great, though. Yeah, it's a really good one.

I'm going to watch the Americans first, and then I'm going to catch up on Paw Patrol. Rubble becomes an alcoholic and just kind of drops out of the group slowly like they can't figure out how to connect with him. What is Paw Patrol? It's a show about dog heroes. Come on, Alec. Get your head in the game. Oh, wait.

Oh, this is a not – this is a joking thing. No, this is a real show. This is a real show. This is a real show. Real dog heroes. And Rubble is one of the Paw Patrol guys. Okay. Well, yeah. My only question was, was it all dogs?

I assumed it was just a patrol of people. There's a boy with a special jet ski. The jet ski, of course. Are you worried that this will encourage children to be lake dirtbags? It'll glorify jet ski use to the point where kids will want to vacation at the lake? Paw Patrol is pretty bad. You know what? I want to say something.

I bagged a little bit on Octonauts at one point on this show maybe six months ago. Oh, Octonauts is pretty good. Yeah, Octonauts is pretty good. I had only seen like half of one Octonauts and it made me uncomfortable. Jordan revealed that they were using well-worn plot devices and the characters weren't as dumb as I suspected. Yeah. Octonauts is pretty good. Paw Patrol, not as much.

Octonauts is pretty good. I went to see Octonauts live. Oh. Whoa. You went. Could you guys – I mean, did you have to wear like an underwater suit to go down there? Now, I should be clear, Alan.

What? When I say I went to see Octonauts live. Sure. I think you're thinking that I went to see them doing their work, the Explore, Rescue, Protect, their work. You went to the undersea base. To the Octolab. Yeah. No, I didn't go to the Octolab.

It's fictional, Alan. I don't know what's real anymore. I couldn't get tickets, so I had to settle for a Springsteen. Got it. I went up to my local Ticketmaster window and said, one Octonauts are like, sorry, people have been lined up for days. Will you take a Springsteen? Oh, man. Name one good Springsteen song.

I can't. There isn't one. Right. I sat through four hours hours did he do any of the parodies of the streets of philadelphia those are a lot of fun yeah they are fun the streets of pizzadelfia yeah horny bill clinton philadelphia yeah yeah oh man old bill loves to fuck i know it's horny hillary though i mean we all know all know, right? Is she horny? I don't know. I guess Donald Trump did say in a recent speech that he thought she had been unfaithful.

That's right. I mean, I guess that's not necessarily the result of a horniness. It could just be like an emotional thing. But we know she loves the horn. Right, fellas? She does. It's okay. She's horny. It's okay.

She loves it. It's cool to be horny. Yeah. It's hip to be square. Oh, I love being horny. You don't. She horny. Yeah. It's okay. She loves it. It's cool to be horny. Yeah. And it's hip to be square. Oh, I love being horny. You don't want to lose that. Yeah, exactly. It's nice to see a woman her age who works as hard as she does.

She is very hard working. Very hard working who can still take the time to be super horny. Yeah, get horny. To have the energy, the zest. Get that, dude. She is very zestful. Yeah. You know, I was working on a BuzzFeed list the other day.

I have another job working for BuzzFeed. You get college credit for that, right? Yeah. Well, they said I was going to get college credit, but apparently because I'm not enrolled in college, I can't get it. I actually pay them $20 for every article that I write for them. That's a good deal. Does that seem fair? They said for the exposure, it's worth it.

That's a terrible deal. You've got to really look into that. Well, it was the five zestiest- You must have one of these people here to look into that. Okay. The five zestiest celebs, and I had Hillary Clinton at number two. Number one was celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. Uh-huh. And I had Hillary Clinton at number two. Mm-hmm. Number one was celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme.

Oh. Very zesty. He's extremely zesty. Yeah. Who were number three, four, and five? Well, let's see. I had- Pow.

Yeah, you got it. Emeril Lagasse, number three. Y'all love my butter biscuits. You got it. Course number four was Martin Yan from Yan Cane That was who Alan was doing an impression of Yeah And number five

Was Jeff Smith The frugal gourmet Yeah Alan also did a perfect impression of We're syncing up Yeah you guys are maybe a convicted pederast, I think. Jeff Smith. I hope not, but zesty.

Very zesty. Recipes of our immigrant ancestors. Yeah. These celebrity chefs and one presidential candidate all had the perfect response to are you zesty? Their answer was yes. That's a terrible name for a BuzzFeed list. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to go see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live.

Oh, God. That's the dream. There was a Ninja Turtles live show, and I remember the commercials so well. They were all in cool rocker outfits, and they were also in a band. I don't know if this is canonical or if this was another dimension or something like that. I mean, which canon are we talking about? Are we talking about Marvel Comics universe? No, Ninja Turtles universe.

They have their own universe? Yeah, they have their own universe. Okay. Yeah. And in this universe, they're a band. They're also a rock band. Okay. Yeah. And in this universe, they're a band. They're also a rock band. Okay. Yeah.

They have like a whole album's worth of songs, right? I think so. Yeah. I think it was also an album. Yeah. But I never got to go. My parents said it was too expensive, and I am still mad to this day. Our producer, Brian, nodded so emphatically in the window behind you,

Jordan. Yeah. When I said that the Ninja Turtles had an album of songs, like it was as though I was talking about hero by Mariah Carey. And he, that had been the first slow dance that he ever slow danced in ninth grade with his wife, Lauren.

Like that's how deeply the phrase Ninja Turtles album connected with Brian Fernandez, our producer. Now, are they originals or are they just turtle parodies, i.e. Highway to Shell? The streets of Shelladelphia. Sure, yeah. That one actually weirdly is about AIDS in the Ninja Turtle community. So in some ways it's a parody because they introduced the idea of Ninja Turtles into the song,

but it's still a very dark and painful tune. So it's not a funny parody. No, but it's just their vehicle for raising awareness about HIV and full-blown AIDS in the turtle community. I mean, it's just like, and a lot of people, you know, I think there was a lot of miscommunication about how Ninja Turtles got AIDS.

Some people thought they could get it from turtle toilet seats. No, sharing a pizza. Oh, really? Yeah. But you got it from sharing swords and nunchucks. Yeah. Well, that's why they have those new safe pizza exchanges right if you have a dirty pizza you just take it down canada i mean because they're

going to do it either way you're going to be on a skid row or they're going to be they could go to a safe place hey you know you know what uh uh uh you know what uh splinters the good guy shredder you know what shredder says man i? Shredder. You know what Shredder says? Man, I could use some of this Ninja Turtle harm reduction. Oh, yes. Because they keep hitting me. Sure. Keep trying to hurt me. Yeah, hit me with their nunchucks.

Yeah. Destroy my technodrome. Hit me with the staff. He's joking. It's a double entendre. It's about, he's talking about the harm reduction program, the pizza exchange. Right, right, right. Yes.

But he's also talking about how the turtles keep attacking with their karate. Physically attacking. And he sees them going into the harm reduction, the pizza exchange. Yeah, exactly. I'm the one that could use harm reduction. Use some harm reduction. Me, Bebop, Rocksteady, Krang. Not April O'Neil.

They would never attack April O'Neil. Of course not. Or Casey Jones. You know, maybe at first they were a little threatened. Yeah, I think that relationship started out contentious. And then, you know, uneasy alliance and then lifelong friends. Yeah, and Splinter is a good friend of theirs. A nearly romantic friend.

Sure. Well, I mean, you know. They're not related. If you're an old man who turned into a rat, that's how sexuality works. Well, hell, we ain't related. Get suckered, Leonardo. We got that in common. Yeah, I mean, if you are a – so, I mean, I think different origins for Splinter.

In the movie, he was a rat who turned into a rat man. Right. And in the cartoon, he was a man who turned into a rat man. Got it. I don't know how it was in the comics. Don't tell me. Or in the new movie, in the new new movies? Oh, I have not seen any of the Michael Bay produced.

Oh. I saw the first one. I haven't seen the second one. Do you know, do they address Splinter's origin in that? Gosh, he was a little rat that got changed into a big rat. But the thing that I recall the most was that he learned karate in order to teach them. He learned karate by, I think it was he found a karate book in the sewer and became a master. Sure.

All you need is that one. I think that encourages kids to read. I mean, that's how Johnny Carson became a magician. Found a book in the sewer. He was a little rat at the time. Did the new movie address – I honestly don't remember what exactly was the secret of the ooze. They didn't get into the – wait, wait. I guess they have to get into a little bit of the ooze.

But I can't remember. I don't recall what the – I'm so sorry. It holds its secrets close to the face. Yeah, yeah. The ooze does. But, you know, you adjust to the look of it of those guys running around in the movie. I don't know. It was like the action's pretty good.

He does some pretty fun action, that Michael Bay. Sure. Check him out sometime. Michael Bay. Yes. I know a lot about him because I, researching my famous character that sometimes goes over well and sometimes very poorly, coked out Michael Bay. Yeah.

This is you yelling with a face covered in flour. Yes, exactly. But you do actual coke, even though that's flour. Yeah, yeah. I do real coke to get in the mindset, and then I add additional coke. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like your butt powder. Yeah, yeah.

The real coke gets you pumped up to throw fire at your own face. Exactly, which would scare me normally. Yeah. But then I get the bravery from the cocaine. Yeah. Now, I have not gone as far. When I say I've researched the man, I have not listened to an interview with him to hear what he sounds like. Right.

Well, that would ruin it. That would ruin the impression. Yeah. Because it would let me know how accurate I was. Right. Fortunately, no one knows what he sounds like. That's true. He's never spoken into a microphone.

He did his own book on tape. Right. He got his start directing the type of soft core Playboy movie that Donald Trump has been criticized for appearing in. Really? Really. Those are the first couple of Michael Bay appearances on IMDb are like, you know, Playboy, Video Cinerfold, the girls of the Big Ten.

Wow. Yeah. But he did not direct the ones that Trump were in. Did he direct? I would have imagined that he would have directed a Paula Abdul video. That sounds right. If I was going to say this is what Michaelael bay got to start doing i would have said like possibly opposites attract featuring mc scat cat yeah yeah i mean i would think that maybe don

bluth did that because of the impeccable land before time caliber animation oh god there's this song in one of the land before time movies that uh that my sons have been singing, and they love Land Before Time, which is not very good. The first one is fine. Have we done the quiz on this show, what do you think there are more of, Land Before Time movies or Air Bud movies? No. Do you want to do it now?

Yeah. I know the answer. Okay. Take some time to think about it. What are there more of land before time movies or air bud movies can i ask a question you can ask as many questions as you like are there this is a very fun game to the air buddies wait yes the air buddies movies count okay okay what about uh other non-dog air bud movies because aren't there there like... I am not counting MVP Most Valuable Primate.

Okay. These may exist in the Air Bud universe. Right. But they are not Air Bud branded entertainments. Got it. Okay. And one other question. If folks are listening to this, can they play along at home?

They can, yeah. I encourage it. Or you can buy the home game. So what should... Available exclusively at Walmart. I just... Wait. I don't. Or you can buy the home game. So what should be available exclusively at Walmart? Wait. I don't want to hear them.

I don't want them to influence what I'm going to answer, though. Oh, okay. So if you're playing along at home, shut your fucking mouth. Just think in your head. Yeah, don't say it out loud. I don't want to hear your answer because this is important to me. Can I clarify one other thing? Mm-hmm.

Don't project your thoughts. Oh, thank you. If you have the power of telepathy or even a strong projector yeah a powerful thinker like Elon Musk or Donny Deutch or Professor X

sure that guy's a loud thinker Jesus Christ are you guys ready to Are you guys ready to guess Yeah Okay So

There's a lot riding on this This is how the song goes Hey hey Today's the day My dad is coming home today Oh man that fucking sucks. That's a Land Before Time song? So fucking awful.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, I'm going to say Land Before Time movies. I'm going to say there's like nine or ten Land Before Time movies and five or six Air Bud movies. Okay. Alan? I was going to say the opposite. I think there's more Air Buds. Did you know that the Sigur Rós, one of the guys from Sigur Rós.

Directed the Air Bud movies? Took his money from Sigur Rós, the made-up language Icelandic dream pop band, and plunged it into a talking dog movie. No. Yeah. Google Sigur Rós talking dog movie and you'll read the most fascinating behind the scenes like business of entertainment article about how he took his money that he earned in the band and decided to invest it all in making a talking dog movie.

And this interview, he's like totally frank about it. He's like, it's a horrible movie. We didn't care if it was good or bad. We just needed to get it finished. If you keep the cost down, and I knew how to because I was an indie rock band, you can make money making talking dog movies. Wow. Is it in Icelandic?

No, it's in English. Huh. I can't remember who's in it, but, you know, Dean Cain. Wow. Is it in Icelandic? No, it's in English. Huh. I can't remember who's in it, but you know, Dean Cain. Yeah. It might actually literally be Dean Cain. A Dean Cain caliber celebrity. Yeah, it might actually literally be Dean Cain. So we're on opposite sides of this fence here.

You're guessing Air Bud. You're guessing Land Before Time. Brian, do you want to guess from the booth? Brian cheated. Guys. Wow. There's the same number. There's the same number. There's the same number.

What's the number? 11. Wow. So I win. Yes. Yeah, we both win. And you win too. And you know what?

If you're listening at home playing along, whether or not you got that home game, you still win. Still buy the home game though. Please, I need this. It's now available at Kohl's. Yeah. We expanded the distribution. Yeah. You can get it at some newsstands at airports.

Get it at your local Hudson News. Yeah. Go to the Hudson News and pick up. The Chili's 2 and play it. You were talking about the pumpkin spice earlier. i did want to add uh pumpkin ice cream is now uh you know they're putting it out there at least at the our local trader joe's oh have you tried it but oh yeah it's great okay it great. I was surprised how much I liked it. I guess I'm not uniformly against pumpkin-flavored or pumpkin-spice-flavored things. This latte was no good.

This is just pumpkin. Yeah. Okay. No, there's no spice. That's where maybe they went right. I will try other pumpkin-related things, but I just need to remember, the latte is not for me. If we have some faithful listeners out there that are still with us next year, around, you know, September 20th, if someone could just send me a tweet

or a Snapchat or whatever cockamamie social network we're using, you know, next year, just say, hey, remember, Jordan, you've had the pumpkin spice latte and you don't like it. You know what I get at the Starbucks? Alan, you don't next year. Just say, hey, remember, Jordan, you've had the pumpkin spice latte and you don't like it. You know what I get at the Starbucks? Hmm. Alan, you don't know this.

I can't have caffeine because it's a migraine trigger for me. Oh, no. So I don't drink, I don't really drink coffee and I don't, I'm not super into tea. There are like,

I could get like a chamomile tea, but I don't, I don't want to give them $3 and get a chamomile tea. It just, who cares? But sometimes you're in a position where you had to get something from Starbucks. Like I was at an airport the other day and I had bought some kind of egg sandwich.

It was awful. And no positive reviews. I've been reading The Trumpet of the Swan with my child lately. That's wonderful. I just don't want people to think I hate everything. That's another little mouse astronaut story? Yeah. It's a story about a mouse astronaut.

His name is Swan. Yeah. Lin Swan. He's named after the legendary wide receiver. And they have one thing. You know they have Frappuccino, right? It's like ice and whatever all mixed together. Yeah.

They have one of those that's just a shitty vanilla milkshake. Like a vanilla milkshake if you put ice in it instead of milk, I guess. Yeah. Ordering that at the Starbucks, they never believe that you want it. They double check like four different times about four different vanilla coffee drinks that you could be ordering. Are you sure you don't want the other thing? It makes, there is nothing in the world that makes me feel more like a nine-year-old at

a bar than ordering the like icy vanilla milkshake. Yeah, it's right. It is a Shirley Temple. Yes. It is such a Shirley Temple. Just a shameful act. You have to convince them that that's what you want. Like, I don't want to have to defend it. I already ordered it.

Do you have a, I mean, you have a kid. Can you just point to the kid and go like, he'll take a... Yeah. That's what I'm doing from here on out. I don't care what he thinks. Yeah. He can go fuck himself. He's getting a nice frappe. Yeah. Switcheroo, buddy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Grow up go fuck himself. He thinks he's getting a nice frappe. Yeah. Switcheroo, buddy.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, grow up and get a job. Move along. Fuck you. They might have put you on a watch list or something for ordering that sort of thing. Oh, yeah.

You think so? You think that's what the terrorists are ordering? That's what I'm hearing. Yeah. I've also heard that. Little bird told you that? Yeah.

I keep my ear to the ground. Look, I want to... Jordan, if you don't mind, I want to pump Alan for information, but I know he's not going to do it on microphone. So maybe we can take a quick break. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on I'm Jordan Jesse Gull. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Or maybe you find yourself constantly explaining terms like these and you need a place to vent.

Do you have a love for all things pop culture, social commentary, and politics? Sounds like you need Minority Corner. Where you can learn, laugh, and play. Sounds like Blue's Clues. Only it's more black, gay, and ladylike. James and Anneke will happily administer your weekly dose each and every Friday. You can listen on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Minority

Corner. With a K. Because the C was taken. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Hey, Jordan, we're going to be in Anaheim, California as part of the Now Hear This Festival. Yes. We've talked about this on the show already. Yeah. And while you've been gone, I've been teasing who our guests are going to be. This is very exciting. I think it's time to bring our listeners to climax.

We've been teasing. Yeah. Taunting. Yeah. Edging, they call it. Sure. Yeah. Isn't that when you cut yourself during sex?

Yes. We've been doing that, too. I hope they're not in a public place. They're lying in bed. Yeah. They should listen to this in private. Yeah. I think now is the time to make the big reveal, Jordan.

You know them as our most hated rivals. Mm-hmm. You know them as two of the funniest podcasters in America. You know them as... Humanitarians, first and foremost. Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter 2. Oh, Jimmy Carter 2 is going to be there too?

Yeah. Yep. No pun intended. I assume that Jimmy Carter 2 spells his name T-O-O. He sure does. Like a fun movie sequel. Yeah, right. He wrote the Look Who's Talking movies.

Jordan. Yes. Our guests on the Now Hear This Festival are going to be... The Doughboys. The Doughboys. Mike Mitchell, Nick Weiger, two of the funniest fellas. Yeah, nowhearthisfest.com if you want some tickets. We're going to be there on October 30th.

Who knows? Will I renew? I started a rivalry with them. I bailed on it pretty quick because I like them so much. Sure. Great guys. I really was just doing it for the attention, but I didn't really get any attention out of it. Who knows?

I might try again at the thing. Maybe I'll start a fight. Only one way to find out. Yeah. Go to Anaheim. Yeah. Check out a bunch of popular podcasts like ours. Yeah.

Others too. Yeah. Nowhearthisfest.com. I also want to mention, you know, I run this menswear blog and shop. I run a menswear blog, just, you know, put this on. And we have a little shop, a little vintage shop. I just got back from London, London, England. And I managed to do some flea market shopping while I was in London.

And we have a big influx of new stuff in the Put This On Shop, which is like little vintage items, you know, things like men's jewelry, desk accessories, little decor items, lots of wonderful, magical, awesome things. They're all at PutThisOnShop.com. And as always, if you use the code FULLCHART, we will give you free shipping for all Jordan Jesse Go listeners. And we just added a ton of new stuff to the store that is so cool and you don't have to be a dude or a fancy lad uh go check it out go take a look i think you'll like it so i wanted to mention that as well uh because it's a very generous offer on my part i'm not gonna lie

to you can i say something about the dean kane imdb page jordan i have been sitting here on tenterhooks thinking when is jordan gonna say something about the Dean Cain IMDb page? So we, Brian, being the great producer that he is, while we were talking, was kind of Googling and finding out, you know, kind of related information to everything we were talking about. Dean Cain, I guess, has been in a number of dog movies. Brian, how many dog movies has Dean Cain been in? He thinks eight dog movies. Some of them are in the same universe where he plays. Superman.

Superman. Yes, this is all in the Lois and Clark universe. I think we've got the dog that saved Christmas, the dog that saved Christmas Vacation, The dog that saved Christmas. The dog that saved Christmas vacation. The dog also saved another holiday. I want to say Halloween.

Dean Cain dog movies. If I type that in, I think I'll get that. So there's a whole set. But here's something that is on his IMDb page. Just when you go to IMDb.com slash Dean Cain. So there's trivia. There's star signs. He's a Leo. Born July 31st, 1966 in Mount Clements, Michigan.

And then there's quotes. Oh, wow. That sounds fun. This is the only thing that is on the mobile site. Uh-huh. Quotes. Makes one part Denzel Washington and two parts Eva Mendez and you have a nice hot cocktail. This is not attributed to anyone.

It doesn't say if this is from a movie, if he said it, if it was said about him. It's just the text. Mix one part Denzel Washington and two parts Eva Mendez and you have a nice hot cocktail. What the fuck does that mean? Two parts. Yeah, right? Is that... Because that is not a description of Dean Cain, the world's doughiest white.

No, that sounds like a pretty accurate description of Dean Cain. If you take one part... What is it? Two parts Denzel Washington and... Oh, sorry. One part Denzel Washington, two parts Eva Mendes, and you have a nice hot cocktail. Well, Jordan, I'm not here to brag. Obviously, I'm a self-effacing man.

You don't necessarily know that about me, Alan, because we just met recently. No, I picked it up. The last thing I want to do is brag. I did interview Eva Mendez once. And she was about two-thirds of a real hot cocktail. Sure. All it needs is one extra part. Yeah.

Who said that? Is that something that Dean Cain said? Anyway. Can we get to the bottom of this? Maybe it's a famous movie line he did. Yeah. Or maybe he, you know, ground them up into a liquid and made a cocktail out of them. Okay, so.

He starred in both The Dog That Saved Christmas and A Dog For Christmas. So I guess these are just things that Dean Candace said to the press. The Dog Who Saved Summer. The Dog Who Saved Fall. A Horse For Summer.

That's a different thing. Horse Camp. A Bell For Christmas. It's about different thing. Horse Camp. A Bell for Christmas. It's about a puppy. I think that's in the original dog thing. The Three Dogateers. That, by the way, is the one that's produced by the Sigur Rós guy. That is real.

I did not make that up. Small Town Santa. That one also features a dog very prominently. Dogateers is the most creative title. Oh, the one also features a dog very prominently. Dog of Tears is the most creative title. Oh, the dog also saved Easter. This is why we celebrated Easter, because that dog saved it. This is a hell of a dog. Yeah.

And he saved the holidays. What do you think, guys? So he saved Christmas, Christmas vacation, and the holidays in three different films. It's nice of them to do a non-denominational one. So the dog can also save Ramadan and Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Wow. I would say 50% of the movies that Dean Cain is in feature a dog prominently on the video box.

When you find your niche, just know, just dive right in. Gotta dive in that niche. A nanny for Christmas. And, of course, Circle of Pain from 2010. Oh, that's my favorite. Circle of Pain. He's never left that Circle of Pain. Still there.

And that Circle of Pain is where you have to star in dog movies. It's kind of a hell. Aussie and Ted's great adventure. That's about, it looks like a teddy bear and a dog that have an adventure. He likes to be around dogs. Man loves dogs. I mean, who doesn't? Sure.

Who doesn't love Dean Cain? He's a charmer. Dogs love Dean Cain. He likes saving his holidays. Bailey's Billions. That's about a really rich dog. That seems to be like his original dog movie from 2005. That he saw that and just like, I found it.

You know, I've been, you know, kind of a mid-level star. It's time to just do this. Do you think that he auditions for these dog movies or is he offer only on dog movies? I think he has to audition for every single one. Dog boys. He's in that one. This is amazing. It's a spicy cocktail.

It really is. Excuse me, a real hot cocktail. As advertised, quite the spicy cocktail. Hot cocktail. I'm sorry, I said it was a spicy cocktail. He real hot cocktail. As advertised, quite the spicy cocktail. Hot cocktail. I'm sorry, I said it was a spicy cocktail. He said hot cocktail. More like Dean Bone. Nice, nice, because dogs love bones.

They don't like canes. No. They like bones. Dogs love, oh man, can you think of a dog chewed up your cane? Oh my God, I'd never walk again. I'd be so annoyed. He was on Mythbusters. How many dog movies can a man star in?

It's like that old urban legend that a man can only star in three Christmas-themed dog movies. Busted. Myth busted. Can I bring up a mystery that presented itself as I was driving over here? Well, Jordan, I don't know if you heard the bad news, but Starley Kine's podcast mystery show got canceled. I think it's time for us to slide up in that market niche. Well, good. So here I'll present the mystery, and then next week maybe we'll solve it or maybe not. Great.

People will have to tune in to see. Yeah. So I was driving over here. I was in deep Korea town. Oh, yeah. I noticed a new medical marijuana store. This was called Journeys. And on the sign was a silhouette of a father and son holding hands.

Why did that happen? What does that mean? And I know it's a medical marijuana store that has the green cross all over the place. My first thought is that it's palliative care and the son is walking his father towards the light. Oh. That this is for. Kind of a hospice. Yeah, exactly.

This is for dying fathers who have relatively young children. Tragically dying fathers. Or it's for cool dads who want to introduce their boys to the green tractor. The old green tractor. Yeah, I'm going to roll up a spliff of the old green tractor. Smoke it up.

Yeah, that's a good implement. Oh, yeah. Oh. I was trying to... Oh, wait. Oh, here. Oh, yeah. Oh. I was trying to. Oh, wait. Oh, here. Oh, John Deere.

Oh. I'm trying to think of the name of a tractor. Classic. Yeah. Are they encouraging fathers and sons to get high together? Are they encouraging fathers to get high while caring for their sons? That is a thing I'd still like to do. That's one of my dad bucket lists is maybe get high with my dad one time.

That's what I'm interested to know. My dad is clean and sober. He probably would not get high. It's not a huge goal, but it's not mandatory by any means. Where does your dad – It would be kind of cool. I think he would do it. I think he would do it. I think he would try it.

He doesn't – he's more or less sober too. But you think that you could – I've heard he smoked weed within the last few years. Push him down the cliff. I don't want him to get addicted to the weed or anything. Well, he's an older man. It's probably fine. I don't think anyoneed you of wanting him

to get him addicted to the weed? My dad is addicted to weed. Get crushed by that old green tractor. I always thought that would be kind of fun to do. I don't know. Do you have a strategy for this? Because your dad doesn't live for you. Is it back in Alabama?

In Bama, yeah. Is he... Is it a situation where you like go home for a holiday maybe a thanksgiving or a christmas and then yeah i think it'd be a holiday thing and then i'd have to like that's the problem i'd have to like find pumpkin spice weed and it's probably still illegal in alabama? It is illegal. Along with oral sex. Right. Yeah. That's the other thing.

I'm trying to give my dad a blowjob. One step at a time. Yeah. I'm going to start with the green tractor. Yeah. The old green blowjob. But, yeah, I think it's doable. I've broached the topic before.

I've let him know, you know, I partake from time to time or whatever. And if you ever wanted to. He is like, well, yeah, your Uncle Larry, too. Uncle Larry's in on it. Out on the boat. Yeah. Sorry to out my Uncle Larry. That's a dirty drug addict But with a name like Uncle Larry

I mean, yeah You know that guy likes a little of the old You know, Green Tractor I've never smoked weed before I don't know I'm confessing I don't know how it's done I think you eat it like Pac-Man Oh yeah Now I'm sting I don't know how it's done. I think you eat it like Pac-Man. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Oh, yeah.

Now I'm stoned, baby. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Then you're talking to Wolfman Jack. That's right, baby. Nom, nom, nom. Ah-woo. Time to listen to Fish or something. Yes, yeah, that's right.

That's accurate. Would you, in all sincerity, Alan, given the opportunity, I don't know what your relationship's like with your father, and I don't need you necessarily to characterize it. It's a sensitive subject. No. Given the opportunity, if there was a J to be blazed sitting on that Thanksgiving table table would you say hey dad let's puff that absolutely you know what i forgot that i've tried this before now that we're talking i do it every year my cousin of mine gave me every year i try this now a cousin of mine i think yeah my cousin of mine gave me uh his like, vaporizer one time I was in town.

And then I couldn't give it back to him. And we were driving to the airport, and I found it in my bag. And I was like, oh, no. And I got to get rid of this thing. And I was like, oh, no, Dad, look at this. I got this vaporizer. I was like, what is that? And then he just didn't want to talk about it.

It made him uncomfortable. I had it in the car. And then I was like, hey, maybe it'd be cool if we did this. He's like, no, no, we're not going to do that. And I trashed it. And that was one of the most paranoid things I've ever done at an airport was break apart the – not even break it, but I screwed it into the little parts. Yeah.

And then went to different garbage cans at the airport. That's nice and cautious. It was the most suspicious looking thing I could possibly do. I'm just going to different garbage cans. To one garbage can and then to the other garbage can. I got caught in a situation not unlike that. I'm not a user of marijuana. I stay off the green tracker.

I stay with the old white ox, if you guys know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about. Oh, yeah. Cocaine, baby. I was... Raising a flock of heroin geese. I was driving, let's say, a comedian,

an older comedian, a man in his, I'm going to say at the time, maybe mid-50s, to the airport. Rodney Dangerfield? To the airport on behalf of a comedy event for which I was working. And he kept calling me to say where I should pick him up in San Francisco where I was. But he wouldn't tell me the address. And I could not understand why he wouldn't tell me the address. And finally, I'm like trying. This is before GPS.

Finally, he just breaks down and tells me the address. And I look it up in my map book and I drive there. And he's standing outside. And he's standing outside with Robin Williams. And he says, Hi, this is my friend Robin. Sorry, we couldn't tell you the address just because we didn't want to, you know, whatever. It's him and his, it's Robin Williams, shake hands with Robin Williams. It's fine, you know. And the comedian gets in my car with his wife. And we're driving.

And when I say my car, I should clarify here, my mom's car. Driving my mom's car. And I think we had determined that my car was too shitty to drive people to the airport at the time. And so we're headed to the airport and at the time and uh so we're we're headed to the airport and this comedian says hey do you mind if i smoke in your car and i said yeah i do mind if you smoke in my And he says, oh, that's too bad. Maybe we could pull over or something. And I was like, I guess so. I'm willing to.

Why do you need so badly to smoke in my car? It's like my mom's car, so I can't. He says, well, Robin gave me some some weed and I want to blaze it and it's Robin Williams weed I gotta I gotta use this we're headed to the airport you know and I'm like okay I just not in my mom's car please like do you want where do you want me to pull over like you want me to pull over in a park so you can sit on a park bench on our way to the airport? Oh, outdoor poster store. Cool.

And he finally goes, you know what? Never mind. Never mind. He's all mad at me. You know, never mind. He's super pissed at me. I'm like, I don't know. I can't let you smoke weed in my mom's car.

me. I'm like, I don't know. I can't let you smoke weed in my mom's car. And we drive and get to the airport and he's like, do you smoke weed? I'm like, no, honestly, I don't. He said, well, I'm going to leave Robin Williams' weed in your car and I hope that you find someone who can use it.

And then you just broke it up and put it into separate garbage cans. Separate garbage cans. Separate. Some separate garbage cans. Wow. I gave it to a friend. I mean, you know, you don't want to waste Robin Williams' weed. No, you can't.

You can't. If it's celebrity weed, you can't just toss that. Yeah, that's serious stuff. That's got to get smoked. But you know what? It's not my fault that he didn't make a plan to use Robin Williams' weed on the way to the airport. It's not. You're no narc.

I'm not here to narc him, but he can't smoke weed in my mom's car. I'm not trying to narc anybody. I'm not here to narc anybody, but this guy's got to make a plan. Got to make a weed plan. Comedian Rick Overton has to make a plan. Come on, Rick. Okay, look, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Hal Lublin.

I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes.

Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh yeah, dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast Dice and

Bites Dice and Bites La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alan McLeod. Some call me Molasses Boy. Now you were on it. I heard you.

I was just at the airport listening to you on the Doughboys podcast being called Molasses Boy repeatedly. This was the name that your high school football coach gave you? That's right. And it's one of those ironic names like when you call a fat guy slim? Well, I wish. I guess if it was ironic, ironic would mean that i was fast but i was too slow no could mean that you're sour oh isn't it sweet molasses yeah well if it's ironic oh i see that i'm sour yeah well no unfortunately it was just a way to motivate

me to go faster off the line did it work no it't. It just ashamed me. I would have hated to play high school football because it hurts. But at the same time, I would have loved to have played high school. And it's, for many people, a terrible experience. But I would have loved to have played high school football to have played it. So you can have high school football stories? Yeah, just the rest of my life be like, well, you know, like our friend Guy Branham. Guy is one of the most hilarious, intellectual, and homosexual people that I know. 10 out of 10 in all three categories. And he played high school football.

For the rest of his life, he can be like, well, I was on the football team. And people look at you with a certain amount of respect. Yeah, exactly. They don't otherwise. Like, oh, this guy probably could. Well, just like if you're an effete liberal elitist like I am. Sure. It gives you a dimension.

It gives you. An unexpected... Nobody's gets it. I can say to a thousand people, I was on the academic decathlon team, which is true. It's not going to give any fullness to people's idea of who I am.

Right. It's like when I tell people I've been to prison. Yeah. Oh, oh. Prison, huh? Jordan, you were homecoming king or something. Yes, ill-gotten, though. But it doesn't matter.

Sure. It doesn't matter. All you have to do is say- Is there a election? Yeah, I've told this story before. I'll do it quick. I won homecoming king, but then I found out years later in the early days of MySpace that it was rigged as a goof by a guy I knew who worked in the office, the school

office, wrote my name in enough times to where I won. But that's a good idea. I am the shamed, ill-gotten king of Capistrano Valley High School. No, you were the homecoming king. It doesn't matter if it was ill-gotten. It gives people's perspective on who you are some dimension. They'll say, I bet you were some kind of theater dork in high school. Sure.

Which, like, let's be honest, Jordan couldn't possibly have been a theater dork in high school. No, no, no, no. And you say, well, you know, actually, I was homecoming king. Yeah. They say, you know what? I'm reevaluating you, Jordan. I'm seeing you in a new light.

Just as if you meet Molasses Boy over here on the street and he says, yeah, I was a lineman on the football team. And then you say, oh, really? And you're an actor now. I thought I had you figured out. There must be a lot to you, Alan McLeod. I would say most football players, there's probably a lot less to them than the academic decathlon. There's so much more that offers you later, I think. Oh, yeah.

Definitely. All my job applications ever since. Here's the thing. It's grass is always greener kind of thing. If you ever get pulled over by the highway patrol, you just give the secret academic decathlon signal and they let you go yeah it's like an illuminati but with more sex oh god the fucking boning in academic decathlon in between the fifth and sixth events then later in between the eighth and ninth events yum yum man there's nothing like it the the you must have just racked up all kinds of babes after that homecoming king incident i mean i mean it was a happy accident i

mean no i mean i think if i look at it too close it's like oh he did it because he thought it would be funny if i won like it was like when a you you know, like for you, we can all relate. Like having a doughy fella take off his shirt for a comedy commercial. Like, wouldn't it be funny if this man who is not in bad shape, but not in great shape. Not ripped. Not ripped. What about this? A soft man. This soft man. A torpid. Not ripped. Not ripped. What about this soft man?

This soft man. A torpid. Was nude. Yeah. It's a little bit like that, I think. Anyway. I don't think the guy who rigged it was doing it to be mean. But I do think that.

You thought it'd be fun. It'd be fun and funny. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's a cool guy. We went to see the Vandals together. Was he in your top eight? He was not in my MySpace top eight.

Maybe that's why he pulled the curtain open. Yeah. On the machinations that went on at the office. I'm not going to get that sweet top eight spot. I'm going to let this guy know that his whole life has been a lie. I'm going to do this really cool thing for him. Yeah. But ironically.

Yeah. Anyway, we got some calls. Yeah. Something ironically. Yeah. Anyway, we got some calls. Yeah. Something momentous happens to you, the Jordan Jesse Go listener. We ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN.

206-984-4FUN. Our special hotline number. Mm-hmm. Very special. Sorry that sentence went so poorly. That's not your personal number or anything? You're putting that on there?

That's my cellular phone. Oh, wow. The way it works is you call in. I answer my phone. Hello, Jesse speaking. You say, hi, this is a Jordan Jesse Go listener. I have a momentous occasion. I say, well, go ahead and tell it to me.

They tell me what it is. And if I like it, I give them the voicemail number that they can call in to. It's a little too complicated. And then they have told the story once and then they can make it nice and tight. Get that dry run down, yeah. I'm sort of like a segment producer. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I sort of shape the narrative and make sure that Jordan's got the right index cards.

And if you want to just text Jesse some Bitmojis too, that'll be fun. That'd be fantastic. And Dick Becks. Sure. All of the above. Use WhatsApp or just a regular messaging thing. Is there a Bitmoji that has his dick out? There should be.

Can I ask you guys a quick question? Please. As I know we've got to get into momentous occasions. We're running out of time here. Because I know we got to get into momentous occasions. We're running out of time here. If you send a sext, I assume sometimes people sext and it's not in like a messaging program. Right.

Like a WhatsApp or whatever. I assume sometimes people just send a text that's sex related, right? Sure. What happens if you get it, the person gets it and they're like out to dinner and their phone's on the table i've never sent a sext sure or what if you send and you send and you're going back and forth and everybody knows everybody's in bed and then a couple days later you send the text that says like you want to go to brunch and the last one was like, oh, I just splooged. Here's my splooged. Yeah.

And they're like having breakfast with their mom or whatever. Yeah. And the mom's like, oh, you got a text. It says, want to go to brunch? Hmm. Is that a splooged above it? Yeah. Actually, I was having a group convo about this.

I found that I am, I think everyone in the group thought it was unusual that I delete all my text messages. I like tidy up that inbox every other day. Really? Yeah. I have to do that a lot, too, just because I was, you know, I'm traveling because I was traveling recently and I wanted to take some pictures. And I kept doing the thing that it does in that commercial that's on now where you have this great thing. And then it's like, oh, I can't take the picture because of all the data or whatever. Yeah.

I have to delete all my old texts. So if you just said, I just like a tidy inbox. So I guess I, you know, if you don't want that to happen, you just got to tidy up that inbox. I mean, I know sometimes you want to remember. That must happen all the time. I'm sure that happens all the time. Right. And you're just.

What can I say? I love to have sex. Brunch is ruined. I love pictures of dicks and sex and stuff. Get over it, mom. No, you loved dicks And sex And stuff Get over it mom No You loved dicks once Yeah

Sure I wouldn't be here Dad used to send you pictures of his dick Used to mail them to you Mail From the war Don't judge me He had his corporal

Draw the dick It's the job of a lance corporal Lance corporal Excuse me It's where the lance comes a Lance Corporal. Lance Corporal. Excuse me. It's where the Lance comes from. Lance means dick. And his name is also Lance. His name is Lance.

Typically. Yeah. Typically they're named Lance. Not without exception. Especially during the war, they had a shortage of Lance. That guy's name was Lance. Lance Corporal. Lance Corporal Lance Corporal. Reporting for duty, sir. Drop them trows.

The job I was named for. It was hard for me to go into any other business. Okay, let's play our first momentous occasion call. Hi, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. My name is Brian. I'm calling from Minnesota. I'm calling at the moment of a momentous occasion, I guess. I can't help the moment of shame.

I just got done with my first day of working at Paisley Park, Prince's house, which is pretty mind-blowing and crazy and weird place to be. And I guess the moment of shame part is the uniform that they have us wear. It is a, I don't even know what you'd call it. It's like a long, a really long, fancy shirt. I don't know. It's a printy-looking shirt, man. It's all purple and stuff.

So it's pretty fucking awesome. So, yeah, that's my momentous occasion. Love your show, guys. Thanks, bye. Like a caftan, I would imagine. Yeah. Is Prince's house kind of like a Dollywood now? Is it a...

They have opened it up. So he built it to be like a performance venue sometimes, and there's also recording studios in there. And then they've sort of opened it up for a few events since he passed. and then he had opened it up for a few events before he passed as well. Uh, is, I think his idea was that like, if he wanted to do like a show, like a secret, he was into doing secret shows, uh, that way he could do it at Paisley Park so that, uh, he didn't have to go anywhere to receive the adulation of the fans so he could just be like i'm doing a show at my house tonight and then 500 people in minneapolis could come then just go to bed see the show and go to bed the amazing thing about paisley park if people google it like you have this imagination based on what he did to cedric sabalos's house that one

time uh about what it's going to be like. It literally looks like it used to be a Best Buy. Whoa, okay. It just looks like the most generic office park building in the history of the world. A man with unlimited musical imagination and almost no architectural imagination. It's not even purple.

Really? I know. Hmm. no architectural imagination. It's not even purple. Really? I know. Hmm.

Well, maybe Prince, like a theater dork who also played football, wanted to have a little dimension. That's a good point. Rest in power, Prince Rogers Nelson. Sure.

I like to wear the little uniform that's kind of Prince-esque. Yeah, a little caftan, nice little caftan. Have you guys ever had to wear anything embarrassing for a job?

Hmm. I think I have. Yeah. Oh, I mean, Chippendale's dancer. Oh, right. That's not embarrassing. You look fucking good in that. Oh, I don't know.

It wasn't my color. Jordan, you rocked that shit. I cut it out. You rocked it with your cock out specifically. Well, you're not supposed to have your cock out. You're supposed to keep it restrained. Yeah, it's not that kind of show. Yeah.

I didn't know that. Yeah, they want to see the outline of it okay but it's not supposed to come out of the cock sock got it got it that is not what they told me but it's possible i wasn't with the iconic chip and dale's group sure oh you were just in an alley behind a circle now that i think about it you were the in an alley behind a circle. Now that I think about it. You were the guy named Chip and a guy named Dale. Our friend Lance couldn't make it. Overseas. Let's take another call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and let's say McElroy or maybe a doughboy. I don't know. Calling it a momentous occasion. My momentous occasion is a few weeks ago I celebrated being cancer-free for five years, and I got really drunk and called in the momentous occasion. Only now I just realized I called the wrong number and left a voicemail, and I don't know who I called. So whoever got that, I'm not sorry.

Have a great day, guys. That's cool. Congratulations on five years of living cancer-free. Yeah, get that cancer out of there. Our apologies to Dave and Graham from Stop Podcasting Yourself. Sure. Although, to be fair, they can use it for their occasional segment, Drunk Dials. Hey, there you go.

That's where drunk people call into their show and leave a voicemail. Oh, that's nice. Isn't that sweet? That's perfect timing. Yeah, that's great. Worked out fantastically. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to go getting drunk and, you know, risking that cancer coming back.

The good news is he was at Applebee's, so if he called into the Doughboys, he's covered. Oh, sure. A lot of podcast options to call if you're drunk. Got so fucking hammered at that Applebee's. Oof. If it's 911, they can use it for their podcast. The 911 goofs podcast? Man, there was a news, the police station by my house, I only used to live in the Western edition in San Francisco, and the police station by my house had an email newsletter that was written by, I guess, a police officer at the station.

And it was like, it was just a magical treasure. Like, it was just a crime blotter. Like, it was just a crime blotter. But he would use, he would say, like, the rapscallions absconded. With, in everything, like, crazy giant novelty words in everything. But it was also written like a police officer wrote it. Like, in that weird policeman talk. The odious murderer. Like, it was. Dastardly murdered. The odious murderer. Like, it was...

Dastardly murdered. It was truly spectacular. And the day that it mysteriously stopped being like that and turned into a boring crime blotter was one of the saddest days of my life. But maybe they took care of all the rapscallions. They probably did handle those rapscallions. Sent them off to the hoose gal.

Maybe they took... Yeah. At one point, our supervisor tackled someone who had robbedions. Yeah, they probably did handle those rapscallions. Send them off to the hoose gal. Maybe that's it, yeah. At one point, our supervisor tackled someone who had robbed someone. Oh, yeah? Yeah, our board

of supervisors member, like the city councilman. I'd like to do something like that one day, too. Catch a guy? I'd like to be a city councilman.

That'd be cool. When I worked at Borders Books and Music, again, this is not a bragging show, but I did work at Borders Books and Music for a time. is not a bragging show, but I did work at Borders Books and Music for a time. Wow. They trained us. You weren't allowed to touch anyone.

Someone could come in and take all the money out of your cash drawer and call you a filthy slur and just walk out the door. And even like the store detectives, the people who are in charge of stopping them, they would stand in the door and say, stop right there. And if they didn't stop, they weren't allowed to touch them. And they would just, you could just walk out the door. Maybe that's why brick and mortar bookstores are having such a hard time. Yeah. Seems like a weird plan.

People grabbing money and saying slurs. Yeah. are having such a hard time. Yeah, it seems like a weird plan. People are grabbing money and saying slurs. Can you at least grab a copy of Withering Heights and just fling it at his head? No, you can't touch them even through the magic of literature. I'm not touching you. You know, you can do it as long as it's from the young adult section.

So like literature, no. Right. But if you want to throw a twilight... Yeah. Get a twilight over there Start hucking Get a twilight up the side of the head One of the reasons why YA has become so popular

Popular among bookstore employees They call it that because the guy gets hit in the head When he's robbing a place and he's like Yah! No! Right? Yeah, that's how it goes we gotta rename this

section 206 saying yeah I mean probably everybody knew that yeah no I mean yeah you're saying 206 984 for fun is the number

is the phone number to call hmm like if you're in a bookstore you see somebody throw 206-984-4FUN is the number. Is the phone number to call. Like if you're in a bookstore and you see somebody throw a book at a rapscallion. What does that rapscallion say again, Alan? Yeah! Yeah, you got it. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, actually, I forgot to mention this, but I went to the Octonauts show. Mm-hmm.

I went to that at the Microsoft Theater here in Los Angeles. Yep. Thousands of Octonauts fans, they're with me. And, again, I- How many leagues under the sea were you? Again, this is a standard theater. And league is a measure of distance, not depth. Oh, how many parsecs?

Am I mixing universes? Here's the point. Yeah. I am now a real live octagon. Because everyone in the stadium was, you know, they're like, oh. Well, everyone who helped with the adventure. Is the seventh octonaut here with us? And then the lights come up and you all find out you're the seventh octonaut.

Initially, I was just an octonaut cadet. But at the end of the show, you graduated. Graduated. And I became a full-fledged octonaut because we saved those three fish. Now that you're an octonaut, does everyone have to let you lay with their wives after they get married? Yeah, primogeniture, the rite of primogeniture. Is that what that's called? I think that's what that is.

That might be the first. Primogeniture. That's a nice janitor. It might just be that your first born son becomes king. Yeah. Prima Nocta. That's what I'm looking for.

Prima Nocta. I'm an octo-nocta. It's a primo-nocta. I already fucked Captain Barnacle's daughter. That was some nice bear pussy, I'll tell you. If you're looking for underwater bear pussy, you're going to want to fuck Captain Barnacle's daughter. There's a bear squirting the woods? No way to know.

He's deep under the ocean in the Octolab. Yeah. Yeah, I got to check out a new gup, the Gupex. That was pretty exciting. Yeah. But most exciting of all was becoming an octagon. I love all that underwater stuff, man. Congratulations.

Alan McLeod, he's one of the stars of FXX's You're the Worst. Top 10. Top 10 cast members on You're the Worst. Top 10. Top 10 cast members on You're the Worst on FXX. He really is. He's wonderful on the show and it's a really great show

that I really, I really enjoy watching. It's a real hoot and a half. He's also on Drunk History. I see him on that Drunk History. That's another fucking great show. He's not on, he's not on Billy on the Street, which is another show I love.

But I did a little writing for Billy on the Street. Well, there you go. Boom. Boom. There you go. It's a fucking hat trick. It's a showbiz hat trick. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez on the boards for this week's program.

You can hear his laughs seeping through that studio window. Jordan, it's great to be back here with you. A lot of fun. Thanks for holding things down in my absence. Happy to do it. You did an admirable job. Happy to do it. Alongside some great comedy pals last week on the program. Can't help but notice there's still

some watermelon limeritas in the fridge. Yeah, from the six months ago. Yeah, from the... Six months ago. Yeah, those are gross. Good luck unloading those on somebody. No one wants them. Too bad. They taste too bad.

Nobody wants them. Don't mind if I do. Yeah, take them home, McCloud. Fill up a knapsack. Give them to Uncle Alan. Uncle Larry? Larry. There you go.

Uncle Larry loves those. It's okay. I had an Uncle Larry, too. Yeah, it's great. Uncle Larry. Did he pass on? Oh, yeah. He passed okay. I had an uncle Larry, too. Yeah, it was great. Uncle Larry. Did he pass on? Oh, yeah. He passed on.

No, it's really bad. He was like a great uncle. It wasn't a surprise. We should mention that the astronaut who wrote that mouse book turned out to have gone through some real tragedies. Some real awful public tragedies. And I feel really bad. And I honestly wish that Brian had not Googled it. In between segments, some real, I apologize to you, astronaut, who wrote that mouse-tronaut book. You're just trying to help kids learn about science and mice.

And he's one of the top astronauts. He's a great, I bet this guy's a fucking fantastic astronaut. There's no doubt about that. Top ten. At least he's one of the top ten on You're the Worst. I bet this guy's a fucking fantastic astronaut there's no doubt about that top 10 at least he's one of the top 10 on you're the worst top 10 astronaut cast members on you're the worst hashtag a JJ go on twitter go to maximumfun.reddit.com

and the maximum fun group on facebook to chat about it those are very fun welcoming places I'm on Twitter at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is on Twitter at Jordan underscore Morris. Alan, I bet you're on Twitter. What are you looking at?

At Alan McLeod. That's an M-C-L-E-O-U-D? A-L-L-A-N M-C-L-E-O-D. You were close. Thanks so much for having me. I did okay. I did my best. You did. It was a joy to have you here.

Thank you very much for participating in the program. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.