Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 450: Autumnal Nip with Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Comedian Kyle Kinane joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of craft services at Jordan's work, airplane boarding order, everyone's childhood cool teachers, and costume options for Halloween this year. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, a man whose apple fit perfectly in his cup holder on the way over. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's maybe a little bit of an involved new nickname, but let's be honest, no more ridiculous. It's sticky.

It's catchy. Well, I mean, it's literally sticky inside your cup holder now. Well, no, here's the deal. When I say it fit, I mean it hovered. Like it didn't go down completely into the cup holder, but it braced. You know what I'm saying? Can you picture this apple? Yeah, but did you have to eat like a halo around the top of the apple?

Yeah, I couldn't eat too low on the apple. Right. So I had to, you know, there was a certain, there was an area which I had to stay above, but I did it, and that fucking apple stayed in the cup holder the whole ride over. Well, that's what they call eating high on the apple. Sure. You know? You gotta eat high on the apple.

Absolutely. Yeah. If you want the old wife to eat low on the banana, if you know what I'm saying. You gotta eat high on the apple. Absolutely. Yeah. If you want the old wife to eat low on the banana, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, I don't have a wife. God, I wish I had a wife! Anyway, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, Go! The show about

broken dreams and halo apples. Mm-hmm. I'm really excited about this. I'm so happy for you and your apple. Thanks, man. That means a lot. Can I ask what kind of apple? Standard red, baby.

Really? Oh, yeah. So it was a real garbage apple, but it worked out okay. You know, I was about to defend the apple because I enjoyed it. Uh-huh. But toward the end of the process, I hit a mealy part, kind of ruined the whole thing. What cafeteria did you get this apple from? This is a, did you know that I'm in show business?

Oh, you know what? I had heard that you were in show business, the business of entertainment. Yeah, and we have a little organization called Craft Services. That's a man who comes and, you know, sets out various delights in front of me so I can be creative. Right. So I don't have to worry about where's my apple coming from. Right. Where's my handful of almonds?

Where's my fiddle faddle? Yeah, like that's why we have Brian Fernandez here. Sure. It's to laugh loudly at our jokes, laugh slightly less loudly at our setups, and also bring us apples. Yeah, and the occasional fiddle faddle. Yeah, and the occasional hand job. So, yeah, sure, which is what I call a fiddle faddle. Got it.

So, yeah, this was a – I was coming over here. We're recording a little earlier than we usually do. So I didn't have time to stop and get a little bite to eat. So to make sure my energy was up for the old cast, grabbed an apple at craft services. You know what they say. An apple a day keeps the energy up for the old cast. And it's weird that that saying has been so popular in America but only started making sense.

Well, more popular earlier among anglers. Sure. They were trying to keep their energy up for casting. Yeah. Especially with fly fishing, you gotta go 10 to 2, 10 to 2, 10 to 2. But I mean, what is podcasting but the fishing of the 20th century?

I know what century we're in. Don't correct me. Our guest on the program, by the way, relaxing, enjoying himself over there, wearing a BMX-themed T-shirt. You betcha. You know him as a brilliant stand-up comedian. You know him as an actor from the television program Love recently. I was watching that. He was on there. Doing a great job, by the way.

Sure. Acting up a storm. Yeah, doing great at acting. You know, not every comedian is good at acting. This one is. You know what makes a difference? What's that? Craft services. Yeah, sure. Gotta get that crafty. So you're saying that the reason that some stand-up comics are... It's Kyle Kinane, by the way. Yeah. Wait, I want to mention

he's got a brand new special In stores now or in stores tomorrow if you're listening to this on literally the day it came out. It's called Loose in Chicago. Kyle, not just a friend of our program but a friend to comedy fans everywhere, one of the funniest guys in the world. One of the best stand-up comics in the country. Agreed. Oh, well, all right. So you're saying that for the stand-up comic to make the transition to actor, you need good craft service. Absolutely. I mean, hey, you were using it to keep the energy up.

I mean, it's applicable to all people. Now, I got to tell you this. Was there no craft service on the set of Seinfeld? He wasn't a great actor. Jordan, I got to tell you this. I've been backstage at the television show that you work on at midnight on Comedy Central. That's the one. And it's a great show. It might have an even greater backstage snack spread.

Yeah, it's real nice. I've been backstage on other television shows. Kyle, I don't know if you know about this, but I work peripherally to show business. Yeah, I know you're kind of like a satellite. Yeah, exactly. And I've been backstage on television shows.

Okay? I've appeared on television shows. Hell, I hosted a show for upwards of four months. The selection, I mean, we're looking at Cherry Clans, which are looking at Cherry Clans, which are not called Cherry Clans anymore

because that's racist. Now they're called Cherry something else. Sure. We're looking at... Cherry Indigenous Peoples. This is a backstage where you can get Red Vines or Twizzlers. Either one. Red Vines and Twizzlers, if you want.

Yes. Oh, is this a larger point point or have you made the point? Do you feel like you've made the point about the reference? My point is that I've been backstage at your television show

and it is a real feast. Like often, there's just some Costco muffins and a thing of red vines. I've seen hot, legitimate hot food at At Midnight. Yeah.

It's remarkable. Like egg rolls and such. Yeah, there is a man that comes into At Midnight. Uh-huh. A at midnight. Yeah. It's remarkable. Like egg rolls and such. Yeah. There is a man that comes into at midnight. Uh-huh. A certain man. Yes. Who he has – what he has at his disposal is – all he has is the tools that a college student could have in a dorm if they had attentive parents. Right. Like if they had attentive parents.

Right. Like if they've got one, you know, those parents that load you up before you go to college. Right. Like a hot plate. Hot plate, yeah. Microwave. Yeah. Little like electrical grill. Right.

So, and this man. Like a George Foreman style grill? Yeah, kind of like one of those. But without the slats that allow the fat to drain. The fat to drain. So it keeps the fat in there, yeah. The flavor. You got to keep the-

The flavor. The fat carries the flavor. That was me doing my famous Julia Child impression. Ooh. Thank you. It was really good. Thank you. I was on Saturday Night Live for 18 years.

Oh, wow. Yeah, 18 years. Are you Charles Rockett? Yes, I am. Oh, cool. Yeah. 18 years. Are you Charles Rocket? Yes, I am. Oh, cool. I'm parallel universe Charles Rocket. Sure. Who did not die tragically.

No. And was on Saturday Night Live for a long time. That's the one. Yeah. So, yeah, this man with, you know, nothing but dorm tools at his disposal, manages to take kind of frozen treats and things of that nature, but make the best version of them. I don't know what this man is doing to quesadillas

and frozen chicken balls and stuff like that, but he's adding, there's something. Maybe it's love, maybe it's just preparing them exactly right but boy howdy can this man make a dorm treat could be mrs dash yeah treat yeah he could be mr dash it could be he's got an unlimited supply of mrs is there a mr dash do you ever get that when it's like because it's free food, you want to like, I should – I have to eat this. Yeah. I mean –

Because it's wasteful. How many times have I thought, boy, I'm hungry and I just don't have any food and now it's here in abundance? Yeah. No, there definitely is a – you do have to fight a, oh my god, I should eat this because it's free impulse. And there's enough variety on your show that it's not like you come in. I can't eat any more red vines because if you can't eat any more red vines, just have some of whatever Cherry Clan is called now. Sure. I think it's called Woke Clan.

Got it. It's the wokest candy. Yeah, I don't know. It is. It is a challenge i did i i did have to like do a little mental reset you know because i do have such a a sedentary job of just not eating myself into a fat stupor they'll also bring you a sandwich they'll totally bring you a sandwich it's nice it's nice i'm a i'm a real sucker for cold cuts

Oh yeah Like just Speaking of crafts They're like having a little trailer When they got the little cool You could open it up And you got your sliced ham And your sliced turkey

And there's nobody behind a counter regulating Nah man How much of what should be there Or what you're touching Yeah Well they wanted to see you put the little gloves on I put the little gloves on Oh I put the little gloves on. Oh, that's nice of you.

But I just slap it ham down. You know what I like? Slap it down like I'm making a saloon bet. You're sort of like. Just slapping it down hard on the bread. Sure. All in. You're like an abstract expressionist sandwich artist.

Yes. Just going wild. I think outside. Following your feelings. I think outside of the crust. Got it. If you got a nice rollable cheese like a provolone you could roll a little salami up in there oh i love i love to roll a salami inside a cheese slice i wish i had a wife sorry but we were just at the deeper argument here yes jordan you know that they have cold cuts at the grocery store, right?

No wives get them. You don't need love to have access to salami. I can just get it? Yeah, you can just get that salami. When it wasn't your purchase, it's so much more of a treat like, look what they have, as opposed to I know what I have. I'm instantly sick of all my groceries. As soon as I get them put away, I'm like, I don't want any of these. Kyle Kinney, what's your top cold cut?

Oh, top cold cut? Number one. You know what? And this is trash. But the budding ham, like 79 cents for a whole package. And it has maybe like paper thin slices. Yeah. Like translucent slices of ham.

Yeah. And I would use one package per sandwich. Yeah. And it's the most processed thing in the world. Me and the family cat would lose our shit when that came out of the deli counter and mom was making some lunch sandwiches. When that came out of the deli counter and mom was making some lunch sandwiches. My dad used to make me – my parents are and were divorced. My parents were divorced, but they changed their mind.

They got back together. People start talking again. You pulled a parent trap, right? Yeah, exactly. My parents were divorced and my dad would make sandwiches for me at lunch and he was so bad at it. And like it's hard to imagine being able to be bad at making sandwiches. Yes. But he was so bad at it that it like nearly put me off of all sandwiches for the rest of my life.

Did he put the mustard on the outside of the sandwich? Explain how you can be bad. Well, he would have. The bread was in the middle. He would make the sandwich impeccably and then just hide it in the yard. For one thing, it would be like store brand health bread. You know what I mean? Like a wheat bread, but like a gross wheat bread. Not the kind that you would want to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich of that tastes like soft sugar.

So it was ingredient choices. But it was like natural type bread, but the store brand, the Safeway store brand version of that. Okay. Then bologna. Love bologna. You see, I do not love bologna. Love bologna. You see, I do not love bologna. I secretly love bologna mixed with the specific smell of whatever cleaning solution the janitor at my grade school used.

Spray a little pledge on there. Miracle whipping bologna with a hint of disinfectant. Sure. And I'm reliving the third grade all over again. Are you eventually going to be found dead in a hotel room? Yes. Okay. There's more.

Put anything else you want on the end of that sentence. That's true. Probably. Auto-erotic Windex-induced asphyxiation. He choked on this ham after being overcome by 409 fumes. Just huffing Simple Green. Huffing Simple Green with a pimento love belt around my neck.

Common and Oscar Mayer. A deadly combination. Never got to the masturbating part. I don't think he really knows how this works. He could have been cranking it the whole time. Somebody just choking themselves like, I just don't get it. This really isn't that fun. Ah, you got to be cranking it.

I think there's a whole other thing you're supposed to be doing. Yeah. You guys know the cranking it motion, right? Like the, ah, give me a fucking break. Yeah, sure. Cranking it motion. Yeah. I saw a guy on my way here walking down the sidewalk by himself.

I'm going to say, this is Los Angeles. Maybe the only person on that entire section of sidewalk. And he was walking the same direction I was driving. I'm driving and I thought, looks like that guy is making the jack off motion. And I drove. I got parallel to him. I looked over. He was just making the jack-off motion

and there was no one there. He wasn't wearing a Bluetooth headphone. His internal monologue was so powerful that as he walked down the sidewalk, he was just making, and I'm talking about 10, 15 seconds of it. I'm not talking about just a quick ba-boom. Like, not like shaking some loose almonds in his hand.

No, I don't think it was loose almonds. It's possible it was. Could have been cashews. You know, some sunflower seeds. They kind of toss them around in their hand like that. It unlocks the flavors. One of Mr. P's famous nuts? Yeah. I don't know. I couldn't of Mr. P's famous nuts? Yeah.

I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Or he's just had enough. He's given a big old whatever. Like, look at all this. Come on. You probably watched that debate last night, right? Oh, boy.

And how. And how. Guys, it's a week and a half after the debate when you listen to this. Yeah. But, I mean, we still have some hot takes that I'm sure are going to be relevant. Have not been covered at all by comedians on social media. Yeah, it's weird. I feel like, I mean, obviously we don't chat a lot about politics on this show.

We will, you know, kind of do a bad Bill Clinton voice every now and then. I think that's as close to a hot take as we get. We try and get that in every episode. Yeah. That's right, we do, Jesse. Yeah, there you go. Wait a minute. Is President Clinton here?

That's right, I am. Look at my butt. Wow. Wow. Are you like a... Kyle, are you seeing this? I'm as shocked as you are. President Clinton appears to be half mandrill.

Judging by his proud blue buttocks. I'm presenting to show dominance. How did he keep this hidden this whole time? I'm only shot from the waist up. Have you ever seen my legs? You haven't. They're monkey legs. He is sneaky.

Yeah. I knew it. But it's weird. It's weird mentioning that stuff. And then just like last week, you know, we like chatted a little bit about it in those terms. And then the world became different. Yeah. Like we recorded on a Thursday and then on Friday the shit went down. Yeah.

It feels weird to even mention it not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Yeah. All we talked about was our fondness for horny president. Sure. Now it's become profoundly fraught. Yeah. Two horny. Two wives.

That's right. Anyway. Yeah. So, yeah. It's to the point where I feel like I don't even want to timestamp this with anything. Yeah. Because, I mean, who knows with these crazy candidates of ours? Well, I'll say one thing to timestamp it.

I think this will suffice. We're waiting with bated breath for the second Jaden Smith Karate Kid movie. I mean, we can only pray that... Is it following the plot line of the original part two? Yeah, I think so. Or they might just skip right to Karate Kid three. Doesn't that star a woman who became a movie star? I think that is four.

Although I will say I've only seen the first Karate Kid movie. Yeah, I've never seen any of the other Karate Kids. But I definitely, there definitely exists a picture of me doing the Karate Kid pose as a seven-year-old. There's no doubt about that. Sure. I think we've all got that. We all have that, which goes to state, whatever you say to an Access Hollywood entertainer behind closed doors, we all have that in our past. Sure.

We all have a Karate Kid pose photo in our past. Here's the thing, though. Completely even parallel I've just made there. It's one thing for me to show Billy Bush that karate picture. It's another thing for him to agree with me that it's a cool picture. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of just a locker room pose anyway. Yeah.

Something you do for the guys in the locker room. You know, I'm not going to really do karate. No. Yeah. But I'm going to talk about it like I have. Because, yeah, looking at my karate, it's like you talk about karate with guys you don't have anything else to talk about. You just appear like more of a guy.

Yeah. You're on a party bus. By the way, I want to mention something real quick. Since this will be coming out a week after we record it, which is an unusually long period of time for us, because a videotape has surfaced of Donald Trump killing a man with his bare hands, you will have forgotten that there was an audio recording. It's just a locker room murder yeah it's like killing a friend in the locker room you know like guys do um i watched the debate last night uh in a bar which is a very

fun way to do it i had not done it before i felt like you know kind of obligated to watch for work uh but you know didn't you know the idea of watching it at home alone and just being reminded of our toilet earth was stressful. So I'm like, get a couple pals, head down to the bar. And they had sectioned the bar off. So half the bar was a debate zone and half was people watching the Packers game. Okay. This was a Wisconsin politics bar, we. Okay. And it was so- This was a Wisconsin politics bar, we should explain.

Can I ask which bar you were at? It was Tom Bergen's. Okay. Okay. All right. So, yes, it was really weird, just the alternate screams from either the debate side or the Packers side. And when the Packers side would scream, I would look over and sometimes it was a commercial.

I think they were just screaming. But yes, I don't know much about football. They're a rowdy bunch, right? Packers fans are notoriously rowdy. Could there have been a ghoul of some kind? Could have been a ghoul. They were happy screams, but maybe they were glad to see the ghoul. Hey, a ghoul!

It's been a while. It's nice that the ghoul's coming out again after his divorce. Yeah. He's going to get out of the city. He doesn't know if he can haunt again. Yeah. And nobody's scared of him. Oh, no, no, sorry, man.

Try it again. Oh, wow, you really got me there, ghoul. This is a nice apartment. Oh, yeah. Dang. Where did you go? You go to Ikea or? It's good stuff in here. This is nice.

It's not bad. It's not weird to do Tinder, ghoul. Everybody does. I know there's a stigma against internet dating, but it's how things work now. It's not for weirdos. You're standing out from the crowd. I mean, everybody else is like, yeah, I guess I'm writing a little bit and taking improv classes. You're a ghoul.

Don't be ashamed of it. Celebrate your uniqueness. Yeah. What woman wouldn't want a nice, secure ghoul? Yeah. And there's never been more of a demand for ghouls. No, absolutely not. Yeah.

Although it seems like one might get elected and then they'll be in the White House, right? Yeah. A couple of ghouls up there. Ghouls. I thought we were going with Halloween. I thought that was the timing. Oh, shit. Yeah, I didn't really think this out either.

Fall colors and everything. Oh, yeah. Beautiful time of year. Beautiful time of year. What are you guys going as for Halloween? Are we all going as Barb? Yeah. We're all going as Barb, right?

I'm going as Barb. People are really attached to Barb. Cynical Barb. Yeah. Nay-saying Barb. Yeah. I think we're in the midst of the Barb backlash, though. Now I think we're now in a moment of what's so great about Barb? I think I'll probably go

as like the leaves. Oh, that's nice. That's seasonal. Yeah. Or maybe apple picking. And I don't really go to a lot of Halloween celebrations. I'm just going to go as cider.

Good thinking. I was going to suggest hayride, but cider is good too. Yeah. I'm going to go as a nip. A nip on your neck. Oh, a little nip. A chill. A fall nip. A little fall.

A autumnal nip. Yeah. It's me, autumnal nip. Would you just be my name if I was an NPR reporter? Autumnal nip. Got it. Got it. Anyway.

How are things with you, Kyle? I'm great, man. Yeah? Yeah, I feel good about it. Got it. Got it. Anyway. How are things with you, Kyle? I'm great, man. Yeah? Yeah, I feel good about it. Got this comedy special out? Yeah, told some jokes. Yeah. When you do a-

Pointed some cameras at myself. When you do a comedy special, you recorded this in Chicago. It's in the title. I did, yes. Is there craft service for you? What's the craft service situation when you're doing a solo comedy special? On my own? I mean, if I wanted to put the flags up, like, hey, I'm going to really need some snacks back here. But otherwise, I don't want.

Comedy's like, oh, God, athletics. Mean and lean. Sure. Get up there. What's on your rider? Full stomach. When you're hitting the road, what do you need in that what I call greenie? The real answer for my rider is I will not fly United Airlines in anything.

Anything else, you can make me sit in a porta potty three hours before the show starts. It was I will not fly United Airlines no matter what. And if you have a deal with them, the gig's that good, I'll get my own flight on a different airline. I would assume that you would have a special airline. I feel like all comedians have a different airline. I would assume that you would have a special airline. I feel like all comedians have a special airline. They get points to get status and then they get a little crown. And then you get fucked. They get to get on the airplane before the toddlers do.

And then at some moment you realize none of it means anything. Yes, yes. Every time I'm like, I should spend more. Oh, brand loyalty is really going to pay off. And then like, oh, Delta priority. And it's everybody except three people have never flown in an airplane before. That's me. Delta priority.

And so you're like, well, this meant nothing. Yeah. I don't fly because I'm so tall. I struggle on a regular airline. So I just try and fly on JetBlue or Virgin which are a little bigger but you know they only go to so many places so I had to fly

So you're just flying back and forth from LA to Long Beach Yeah pretty much and coming up with seeing that Queen Mary getting that ghost tour on Halloween. Oh I haven't done the ghost tour Oh I'd like to do it this year That would be a lot of fun I had to fly a regular airline recently Oh, I haven't done the ghost tour. Oh, I'd like to do it this year. That would be a lot of fun.

I had to fly a regular airline recently, and I was absolutely gobsmacked by the number of people, members of the military, and parents with small children. And I'm fine. I've made my peace with the important people. And I understand the first class people paid an expensive ticket. But it gets to the point they're just listing medals. Yeah. Like our first class platinum. Medals are jewels. Yeah. Medals are jewels. Yeah. Like our first class platinum. Metals are jewels.

Yeah. One of them is jewels. Yeah. And then they're just down to like, okay, if you've got a brass or wooden block, if you have – You're listing the various infinity stones from the Marvel universe. Does anyone have the soul gem? And it's just me sitting there with a you know with a roller bag on my lap going yeah well and that happens still no matter what you've dedicated

yourself to like what's what small uh fictitious comforts they've convinced me I need when I get to the airport. I flew to a conference overseas and I was not getting paid, but they were paying for my plane flight. And so I asked for premium economy. And for some reason, it was one of those airlines that only has basically premium economy and regular. It was great. I don't know what the fuck airline it was, Norway Airlines or something. And I got to go into the International Lounge. Oh, yeah. And I ate so much curry. It just had all this free curry.

Yeah. I can't not. If you're going to give me curry. That is a nice. You got the airline equivalent of craft services. Yeah. That's exactly. Only it came with fake Ames chairs.

They love the fake Ames chairs in the airport. This is a real premium experience. And when I just resign myself to the fact that I will get on the airplane last and just try and relax while everyone is doing the pre-boarding stuff, knowing that I am among the last people to get in. Unless it's the Southwest, they have that whole thing. Yeah, but your seat is reserved. Yeah, sure. So I just try and basically dive into the thing as soon as the door is closing. I try and go in at the exact.

I've taken that approach. I just have a backpack too and I don't have to worry about. I love my new thing is watching every dipshit with like the roller bag that has ignored every warning of like we're going to really we really want you to check the gate. You're going to get them right when you get off. But there's not going to be room. And everybody's like, well, they're not talking about me. Get them right when you get off. But there's not going to be room. And everybody's like, well, they're not talking about me.

And so everybody gets on. And the look of actual just confusion of how can there be no room for my precious roller bag? Even though there was just warning upon warning. And then just idiots standing like – I think it was Kumail. You know Kumail Nanjiani. Kumail Nanjiani. Wrote something. Stand-up comedian. Yeah, like there should be lessons in air travel.

Like there's some inexcusable like you fucking idiot. You are making this – you just didn't listen. No, no, you're special. And I get it. Some people aren't used to it. Some people don't travel often. But there's some basic common sense that is just glaringly obvious when people are just so self-centered. But no, I'm like special.

So I'm going to. But yeah, it's like in third grade when they teach you how to write a check. Yeah. They should just like, they should have a bunch of practice plane boarding. Yeah. Here's the to address. Here's the from address. And the stamp goes in the upper right corner.

This is something you'll need to know at some point in your life. I flew to New York to go on tour with Judge John Hodgman a couple of weeks ago. My plane landed at a different airport, I want to say in Poughkeepsie. That was a real concern for me. They just announced, they just came over, we're going to go ahead and land at Pernod Nair Field. If you'd like to get off the plane, you're welcome to. Otherwise, we're just going to sit around here for a little while,

get some new gasoline, and go ahead on into JFK. Oh, they're out of gas? You didn't plan how much gas you needed? Also, why did we land at an airport that's like 35 miles? Like, it was just the exact too far to get a cab distance from New York. So you had to retake off again. Yeah. We had to retake off again.

The flight ended up being like two and a half hours late. They just landed near. But, like, again, I want to emphasize they didn't stop in Chicago or something. Again, I want to emphasize they didn't stop in Chicago or something. They also didn't stop in Philadelphia or whatever or Cincinnati or Pittsburgh, something that's two-thirds of the way there. It was at something or other airfield in Poughkeepsie. Even in that, I could still imagine a scenario why that would make sense. I could still imagine you're flying in New York, a global city with flights constantly happening,

overrun with flights, and if they had to circle or used up, they have just enough fuel to get to somewhere so the plane's not too heavy, and if the plane's too heavy, needs to spend more fuel to fly,

more expensive to the consumer. If it's that they got there and, wow, weather caused a lot of delayed flights and they have to fly and burn up fuel and they have to land. Like even that I can understand. Like I'm surprised at how much I'll excuse the airlines for some things. More than just the braying open mouth dolts shuffling through the airport, standing in the middle of a walkway trying to read the screen. Like, this is a hallway. This is for that way or this way. Not standing there.

Taking their sweet time at the Chili's, too. Oh, it's Chili's, too. Chili's also. You sit down, you wolf down that awesome blossom as quick as you can. Yeah. And you get up to make room for everybody else. Let's go. I'd love to see somebody eat an awesome blossom like it was a hamburger. That would be great. Pick it up in two hands.

Just kind of scrunch all the bits together. Just the logistics alone I don't think could be done. Because I think they are attached at the bottom. To what? It's one onion that's been blossomed. Yeah, but you hold it top and bottom like a hamburger. I'm agreeing with you. I think it can be done.

Oh, okay. I thought you were arguing that it couldn't be done for that. Oh, no, I think it can be done. Sorry for presuming conflict. That's okay. Is the awesome blossom, that's from where? That's Chili's. Where's the Bloomin' Onion? I think that's Outback.

Bloomin' Onion is definitely Outback Steakhouse. I may have had a legitimate, just a dream that they both just came together and were like, yeah, it's- It's one thing. Like, we cool, dude? Yeah, like they announced it, like, we know. And if the commercial didn't serve either business, it was just like yeah we're all right with it so i feel like i feel the same way okay why do jimmy buffett and sammy hagar have separate restaurants this should be one restaurant oh you want to start talking about buffett man you are basically one

man you're a flip-flop hammock man and you have a restaurant that's margarita-based and has a vaguely Mexican menu but also burgers and shit. Just make this one restaurant. I'm going to say Sammy Hagar's restaurant is your Friday night. Uh-huh. And Margaritaville's your Sunday afternoon. Okay. So explain to me. I've been to both.

What's Sammy's? It's not Wabarita. It's the Cabo Wabo Cantina. It's not Wabaritaville. I've been to both. What's Sammy's? It's not Wobber. It's the Cabo Wobbo Cantina. It's not Wobberitaville. No, no. Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying maybe it should be. You can combine them both.

You can combine Sammy's Wobbo with Margaritaville. You got one restaurant, less confusion, and you get to combine forces and present an experience that's ideal for a sunburned man with a metal detector. Yes, Kyle, you have a concern. It's a joke that's a personal favorite that fails every time and it's about how Margaritaville is the saddest song in the world. is the saddest song in the world because if you now, instead of it being like a fictional place for divorced dads to just not worry about things, imagine that song but in a real Margaritaville location.

It's an actual place. And it's just like the parking lot restaurant across from a Pay Less Shoes and how sad those lyrics become. Yeah. I'm just looking for my shaker of salt like we have one on every table terry why are you crying what's going on sure this appetizer platter is meant for four people but you've eaten it by yourself some people say it's a woman to blame

go home terry that that is an insanely good observation. What they've done is they've taken a mythical idea, Margaritaville as a concept, as a state of mind, and turned it into something next to Famous Dave's. Yeah, exactly. A sad parking lot restaurant.

In Schaumburg, Illinois. I blew out a flip-flop. It's November! Get some boots! I like to imagine you blew out a flip-flop. It's November. Get some boots. I like to imagine blew out a flip-flop. I like a man who's so tough on a fucking pair of flip-flops that he likens them to like a blown-out tire. Oh, I've done it. I ride those babies. I've had it.

I like to imagine that Jimmy Buffett is the younger brother of warren buffett sure a real roger clinton situation yeah but like in in this imagining that i have inside my head warren buffett went out and he built an empire with value investing and then j Jimmy Buffett became extraordinarily rich and successful, this older brother leading by example. And then Jimmy Buffett said, oh, I'm going to sell liquor with the name of my dumb song on it. And then he made $300 million as well. And Warren Buffett's just like well i'm fucking happy for you right he's just chasing it's right it's a it's a right they're just they're just going for their father dan buffett's approval yeah and this whole time warren's been

making value conscious investments based on earnings to price ratios, taking prudent minority stakes in major American brands. And then Jimmy Buffett's like, it's a restaurant. It's got chicken strips and quesadillas. You guys want to keep this party going? How about burgers with pineapple on them? A little island flair. I want to hear more about why you think Hagar is Friday night and Buffett is Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon. I mean, musically, just listen to music. I mean, Hagar, he can't drive 55. That's true.

There's only one way to rock, but there's six ways to make nachos at the Cabo Wabo Cantina. Yeah. You could add six different meats. And then Jimmy Buffett's just kind of like half awake. You know, half the things are burning on the grill. Sure. You get Jimmy's sleep. Don't tell me when to flip the burgers with your Nazi recipes, man.

It's sleepy. I'm not going to wear your monkey suit. Wait, are you talking about that apron? No, I mean the hairnet, man. Yeah, we ain't into these rules. You're going to get a handful of guacamole. That's literally exactly one handful our chef is going to scoop out. The ranch dressing's been in my pocket.

Change of attitude, change of latitude. I would eat there. Of course I would go there. Yeah. I think a Friday night, you want Sammy getting in. You want the Red Rocker telling you how to do. Drink down this margarita. Drink three margaritas.

Punch these bottle cap jalapenos in your mouth and let's go get some. Start running around waving this flag. Yeah. Just wave this flag, baby. Yeah. Oh, baby. I have been in Cabo Wabo Cantina exactly once. It was the location here at Hollywood and Highland. Is that where it is?

Yes. I think it's relatively new. It was basically just because you had to take somebody on a nice date. Yeah, exactly. I was trying to get some. I'm like, how am I going to show her that I'm a high roller? A lot of razzle and some dazzle. Sure. Get apps, margs, guac, tocks, enchiladas, berg, buff wing.

And the soundtrack, while I was in there, a good amount of time, hour plus, all screamo. All screamo. For the whole time I was there, there was no island vibes. There was no chill. At the Cabo Wabo Kitchen? Zero fucking chill. Yeah, it was like a hot topic in there. Yeah, Sammy's not chill, man. But, I mean, he is chill. I mean, I get that, you know, he was in Van hot topic in there. Sammy's not chill, man. But I mean, he is chill.

I mean, I get that he was in Van Halen or whatever, and I Can't Drive 55 is pretty rocking, but it's not Screamo, you know? Doesn't he live in Maui or something? I think he lives in Cabo. Does he really? Yeah, yeah. Loves it down there. That's a tequila-based drink. Now, as much as Margarita, like Margaritaville, Margarita's a tequila drink.

Jimmy Buffett's a real rum vibe. Yeah. Yeah. You want that rum vibe. Sure. It's that Sunday. Yeah. Have some rum.

You're buzzed. But, oh, if I fall down, it's all sand. I'm fine. Yeah, I'm I fall down, it's all sand. I'm fine. Yeah. I'm never anywhere where the ground isn't sand. Sammy's tequila is an arrhythmic heartbeat. Beach to 70s playground to beach to 70s playground.

Those are the only two places I go. I got no problem with either gentleman, though. I got to say that. Yeah. You know, Sammy getting booted out of Van Halen being the forgotten years of Van Halen. And I guess I'll just make great tequila that wins awards. Yeah. And, you know, I have tried both of the tequilas, and they're both very good. I think, in general, Celebrity Booze is pretty good.

It's usually a good bet that it'll be tasty. Have you had Dan Aykroyd Skull Vodka? Yeah, I have had Dan Aykroyd Skull Vodka. Pretty tasty. Have you had Danny DeVito's Limoncello? Yeah, no, I think that was our way back in the day, that was the Jordan Jessica's signature drink. Oh, yeah. It was Crystal Head Vodka

and Limoncello. Minnesota Danny. Yeah. I have had both. Both are very tasty. Not a big Limoncello fan in general, but it was good. It's a taste of life from that famous fella. Yeah, sure. But then I would like to try Diddy's Vodka at some point. Oh, what's that one? It's called-

Ciroc. Right? What's that mean? Is that Diddy's Vodka? What does that mean? Yeah, that's Diddy's Vodka, Ciroc. Yeah. I don't know what Ciroc means.

Any guesses? Got me. It means $15 at the bar. Am I right, guys? Oh, boy, yeah. $15 drinks. I want to know what's the lower rent vodka. It's like, where is Cisco's gin coming out of here?

Well, I mean- There's something out there I want to know about. There's E40 Slurricane. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that a liquor or is that a mix? It's a pre-mixed liquor drink. Ugh.

So it's like a malt beverage. Yeah, but I. Maybe like a. Slurricane. Yeah, I think it's like when you get like a Long Island iced tea in a can. Okay. I think that's what a Slurricane is like. Gotcha.

Have you had this? No, I don't drink, but I would gladly drink it just to support 40 Water. I saw us sitting right behind home plate in the wild card game hanging out with Marlon's guy. Hey. I mean, what if? I mean, I don't want to challenge your lifestyle, but what if you- Whoa, you're not going to ask me to put on a tie, are you? Sorry, dude. I don't want your

noose. Get these stripes off of me, jailer. Have you thought about ditching the sobriety, but only for slurricanes? Yeah, just becoming a classic slurricane drunk? Yeah, but not all the time.

I'm not saying pound slurricanes when you get, but I mean, not like all the time. I'm not saying pound, you know, slurricanes when you get up, but just, you know. Just at school functions? Yeah, just a parent-teacher night. Yeah. Take the edge off. Miss Gonzalez,

you want a slurricane? I only get one kind of drunk. Okay, back to Blossom V. Onion. Can I ask you real quick before we do that? Should I have made up a name for my son's kindergarten teacher? Nah. Okay, good.

Come on. They like it when you shout them out. Got it. Give shout outs. Got it. Shout out to my third grade teacher, Mrs. Holt. Yeah, what's up? What's up?

You out there, Holt? Shout out to my fifth grade girls, Miss Young and Miss Jaylee. What's popping? I hope you haven't died. Yeah. Where you at, Miss Cornell? Still in Southern Oregon, if I remember correctly? That's a nice part of town.

Where you moved after you were my second grade teacher. I'm going to put a big one out to Mr. Canel. Yeah. Great science teacher. Canel, Canel. The opposite of that. He would take his dissection specimens and put them in the teacher's

lunchroom fridge. Oh, boy. It would be like a dead possum in a plastic bag. But how did he feel about having his prostate stimulated? How did he feel about it? Yeah. Wasn't supposed to talk about that anymore. I want to give a shout out to Mr. DeFrandeville, a.k.a. Mr. D.

One time that guy told us about a time that he was on a golf course with his friends smoking a spleef. And the sprinklers came on. Wild. Yeah. That was a pretty fun story in calculus class. That dude knew how to party. Hey, on that same kick. You know about spleefs. And on that same kick. Guys, I was

out there smoking a spleef. On that same kick. Hey, if you're out there, Mr. Neve, thanks for turning your chair around backwards and telling us about backpacking through Europe. Yeah, absolutely. You sure did that, and it meant a lot to me. Oh, man. If it weren't for Mr. Clark, I never would have known that Shakespeare was the original rapper.

That's an important lesson. Kids don't learn that soon enough. You guys sound like you have way more interesting teachers than I ever had growing up. Nobody tried to reach you on a kid level? Like, hey, I've been there. No one made the cool teacher move to you no i had zero cool to you one old guy who tickled me because i fell asleep in class that was really inappropriate that was an inappropriate way to wake up a student

sure yeah maybe spice up the lesson were you ticklish if you're sleeping you're ticklish okay i think whether you think you're not if somebody just grabs you by the ribs from behind while you're sleeping, you're a ticklish person at that moment. was kind of like a classic 65-year-old 1968 gay guy. He just had sort of settled into this bohemian lifestyle and just ridden it out. He was a real nice guy and a good teacher. And one time this kid in my class named Jonah talked some shit. Disobeyed or something. Yeah, yeah.

Back talk maybe. Maybe some back talk. Yeah, and this playwriting teacher goes, shut up, Jonah. And Jonah goes, and he goes, you've never even had sex before. I was like, yeah, Jonah totally hasn't had sex. He's a big old virgin. Jonah just got smacked the fuck down. Big old virgin.

And then he said that sex was both. And he goes, it's okay. You'll have it eventually. He goes, you know, it's overrated and it's underrated. Well, anyway, back to rising action. Well, that is a – that's a wise lesson about sex. Shout out to Scott. Yeah.

Cool. I wish I had those teachers that would break that wall. I never had it. Never had at all. Trying to be professional except for the one spanish teacher that i guess had sex with a bunch of students on a field trip but i wasn't on that field trip so uh well you gotta get that permission slip whatever you gotta get the permission slip bring back a sign sign permission slip my spanish teacher was a guy who i guess used to be the best

teacher and then his wife passed away and he got weird, and would just sit in class and be like, Okay, students, today we're playing a game as a present. He would just open his drawer. He'd have a bucket. He's like, The prizes for this game, one Band-Aid. Here we go, a Kane County Cougars schedule from 1992. We'll just put garbage in a bucket and try to get you to get Spanish conjugation right. And Rudy's like, I think you're out of your mind.

He's like, would anybody like to go to the office today? And people would just raise their hands and he would just write slips for them to get kicked out of class if they asked to be kicked out. Sure. And it was kind of like, it was just a stretch. Like, I'm sure there's a backstory that's sadder. I thought it was magical. I love it. But, yeah, not breaking the wall.

We had a teacher named mr clark who i legitimately believed and it was the rumor at school but it remains to me a credible rumor that he was a punch drunk boxer like he taught government and uh econ that was his main thing i think maybe he taught a remedial u.S. history class. But he would just stand up in front of the stand up in front of the class and go, and then he'd just have someone read out loud

out of the textbook. He would just kind of disappear. Just in a world 10,000 miles away and would get very basic things about government wrong. Like, I remembered, like, being, like, raising my hand at one point and he said, yeah, Jesse. And I said, like, aren't there a hundred senators? And he's like, that's why you're the professor.

He loves me. he thought it was amazing it was so weird I realized like two months in that I didn't have to go to class at all and he would neither notice nor mind just draw a face on a pillow and put it in the chair point out my shortcomings in class

Kyle did you ever win anything from his weird bucket of trash? Oh, nobody tried to win these games. And if you did get the bucket of trash, you just kind of gave the bucket of trash back, which is why the prizes were the same every week. Oh, yeah. It was an unopened Band-Aid. That was the AAA baseball team from not even the county we lived in.

For some reason, it would always have an expired schedule. Kane County Cougars schedule from 2002. I had a guy in community college. So you had to take a – like logic classes fell under math requirements. But it was also under philosophy. So I'm like, okay, that's cool. I like philosophy. Maybe I can get out of this.

I'm awful at math, but maybe I can skirt the issue by taking this logic class. But they had regular philosophy professors trying to teach logic which is not... Logic is a very specific subfield. Yeah, you know, if these three people in a room and one of them believes this and two believe this and then who

whose name is what? When will the two trains hit each other? Yeah, but a very advanced version of that kind of thing. And so he's just a philosophy teacher and just run around from different college to different college in the area just trying to make ends meet. So he'd get to our class and put up the problems on the board and hand out a test and everybody would fail the test. He's like, this one doesn't count. It's wrong. You can't do this job.

I don't know how to do this. And he had one. But there was some basic stuff that we all kind of got. We're kind of learning it with him, which was fun. So he put some problems up on the board. He's like, if this, then that kind of statements. It's like, if this is true, then that's true. And we're all agreeing with it.

And some girl just goes, why? And he made the mistake of just pointing to the board. He just goes, duh. Because it was a very obvious thing. I mean, we're all struggling. He just goes, duh. And there was a little bit of a laugh. The next day I'm walking up to that classroom and I just hear her kind of muttering something.

And then him just going, why are you trying to ruin my life? And she leaves class and the rest of the class comes in and he's throwing books against the wall. And I guess she reported him for whatever behavior the duh would have fallen under. And then I read an article in a local newspaper later about how so many college professors, like, they don't have one job. They're, like, driving from college. That's how I knew about it. Just busting their ass driving, trying to figure out, like, wait, this college is teaching this curriculum, and then I got to go to this one for another class. And he was featured in that article.

Now it made sense that he just broke because this one girl was like, no, I didn't like the attitude you gave me. What did she know? She's never even had sex before. Yeah. That's a good point. This was community college. Everybody had had sex. Except for me.

I really put that one off. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Ty is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Yeero. Sacrebleu. Sacrebleu. Ayers Rock.

Uluru. Uluru. What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court.

The real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you you buddy that's so thanks for making this podcast more relatable i'm here to get in touch with the common folk and thank you we appreciate that uh we've always had the common touch me particularly i think sure i think of myself as like i'm like the working man's donald trump yeah and i'm the jimmy carter of podcasting. Exactly. Between us.

We've farmed a lot of peanuts. Oh, boy, have we. Hey, we've got something up on the Jumbotron this week, a message for Emma Kate from Dennis. Happy birthday to my lovely girlfriend, Emma Kate. You've accomplished so much this year, opening up your own Pilates studio and working all these long hours to make it a success. It's a wonder how you still find time to be such a wonderful friend,

caring partner, and all over all badass. I'm proud of you and love you very much. I hope you enjoyed my weird inflection. Yeah, right here at the end, it's not something we're supposed to read out loud, but it says, can you do the next to last sentence sort of robot-y? Sure, like you kind of didn't read this ahead of time. Yeah.

Maybe it's a pretty simple sentence, not that complicated, but you didn't look at it ahead of time, so you read it weird. Anyway. You know what? Hmm. If I had a girl, now I'm lucky to be happily married. Oh, so fucking good. Fuck, I want a wife. Fuck, I want a wife.

Oh, gotta get a wife. Do you like this character? I like this character that I live in. Skin I wear. This mask that I can't take off. Is a Pilates studio just a big room? No, it has terrifying equipment in it. Oh, no, it's got the tables, right?

It looks like a bunch of table saws you see. I legitimately believed a Pilates studio that opened down the street from my house in San Francisco was an S&M thing for, like, nine months before they finally put a sign up that said Pilates because it had like frosted windows. I bet it could be a multi-use thing though. Yeah. I bet you could tie somebody up and go to town on them.

They actually have zoning specifically in San Francisco for Pilates slash S&M. It's all S&M. Yeah, all exercises S&MM without the sexual gratification. Exactly. And I hear you get that permit, but as long as you're serving food. Yeah. You've got to have little bags of chips or something. 30% of your income does have to be from a kitchen.

Sure. Anyway, my point – I work at the kitchen in a sex dungeon. It's not a lot of business. Yeah. Less sanitary than a normal kitchen. I don't know. This guy's trying to eat nachos, but he forgot to undo the zipper.

What a mess. Just nacho cheese all over our good gimp mask. Mom, that's my bed. I got this stuff wipes right off. Yeah. You just hose those down, you know? You just get hosed down. I mean, that's what I came in for anyway was a hosing.

It's something I enjoy. Yeah. Now I got a food fetish. Who knew? Sure. Want a nasty dominatrix to cover me in guac. Lunch lady fantasies. Dump a steam tray of sloppy joe meat on you.

What happened? While I was working Fridays at the Cabo Wabo Cantina, something just happened to me. Sure, yeah. We are also going to be- There's only one way to guac. That's the name of the side dish there. Yeah. We're also going to be at the Now Here This Festival in Anaheim.

It's not just us. I actually just saw Comedy Bang Bang's live show in Anaheim. It's not just us. I actually just saw Comedy Bang Bang's live show in London, England. Sure. Had a great time. They're going to be there. Our friends Matt and Jimmy from Never Not Funny are going to be there. Our friends Linda and Glenn and others are going to, I don't know exactly what the lineup is,

are going to be doing Pop Culture Happy Hour there. All kinds of great shows, fantastic enjoyment. Our buddy Mark Maron, Nate DiMeo and Memory Palace. And if you use the code JJGO, you get 25% off a three-day pass for the festival. Now hear this. It's the last weekend in October there. We're doing our show. Special guest, the Doughboys. Yeah.

The Doughboys are going to be there. Those are the ones. Yeah. Nick Weiger. Mike Mitchell. No others. Just those two. Those are the guys.

Just those two guys. Will we be talking about Awesome Blossoms? Yeah, probably so. Will we be talking about restaurant concepts and how well executed they are? Well, Nick Weiger is going to be there, so I think yes. Here's what I want to see. Yeah. R.E. Blossom v. Bloomin' Onion.

Yeah. I want to see one of these food bloggers. I know you're out there. I know you're listening. They're called floggers. I want to see you floggers. You food bloggers who also work at S&M Dungeons. I want to see you floggers you food bloggers also work at snm dungeons i want to see a little busy day a little autoplay vid on my facebook page one of you guys

taking an awesome blossom and taking a blue and i mean and intertwining them like the fingers can you guys picture this so the blossom and the onion come together. And I think that not only would be a delicious treat, but a powerful symbol of harmony. Yeah, that's the real Rainbow Coalition. Or that's the puzzle that, that's like an Indiana Jones-esque puzzle. Oh, yeah. It's the box that releases Hellraiser. I was going to say, it's fantastic. Like, what did you do?

It's a fantastic thing. Like, what did you do? Some guy who actually has that awful Australian accent from the commercials that seem like they're making fun of us. Crikey, it's the end times. Oh, no. You've released the beast. He's here to bathe in our blood. Crikey.

You would just get a whole, a deep fried whole onion. That would be nice, too. Which I'm fine with. Sure. Will someone on the internet find me the Outback Steakhouse song that used to play in every commercial break of a San Francisco Giants game that went, When the boomerang go, it come back. You will too. Outback, Outback Steakhouse. Outback Steakhouse from the land down under.

Prepare for centuries of darkness. It's the reign of the old gods. It does sound like there should be a mandolin or something. I want to plug one more thing while we're still plugging stuff. As many of you know, I run a shop online, putthisonshop.com. You can buy all kinds of great vintage things and accessories, small home decor items, gift items, beautiful pocket squares and hats. Got a nice new hat going right now. Actually, Brian's wearing one of our hats right now.

He looks great. You just sell one hat at a time? Brian helped design that. We usually do one hat at right now. Actually, Brian's wearing one of our hats right now. He looks great. You just sell one hat at a time? Brian helped design that. We usually do one hat at a time. I mean, we have multiple copies of that same hat. We don't just sell... When you're like vintage and stuff, I thought you were just like, I found a hat.

We got a couple hats. Check us out at ifoundahat.com to see a hat I found. I'd love to buy it. I don't know. I kind of like this one. We got a couple hats I found. Don't worry about that. If you're looking for a hat I found, yeah, sure.

GarageSale.com. I had a woman make from premium materials, including a soft leather band, and yes, I can also provide that. All right. Okay. I didn't mean to offend. Both options. Well, quit being offensive. Remember when 99-cent stores were called the garage sale store?

No. When did that happen? I don't know. Was that just another dream you had? Maybe. When I was little, I swear to God, we went to a place called the garage sale store. We're going to have to get some. It was just a bunch of shit.

Some people on the internet were nice enough to verify my childhood memory that at 16th and Mission Street in San Francisco, there was a store that you went into with a catalog pointed to what you wanted and they went in the back and got it for you. Wasn't that how Sears operated? Didn't they bring mail order? Yeah, they invented mail order, but it wasn't a counter that you pick up mail order items from. Oh, that wasn't the first version of Sears of just like, I've saw your mailer, I would like this, and they go get it. No, they had actual stores to begin with. Oh. I think.

That seems efficient, though. Put this on shop.com and use the code FULLCHORT for free shipping. FULLCHORT. And then let Kyle know whether it was a weird dream that he had. What was this dream that you had? It's called the garage sale store. If we're throwing out addresses, it was on Lake Street in Addison, Illinois, right next to Dominic's behind the Fannie Mae candies. rookie card or something and then put a decimal point on the $120 or $1,200 price tag and then got it for $12.

Wow. It was a local news story. Something like, well, something happened here. And the kid was like, I don't know. She just said $12. I was like, no way. It can't be $12, but I'll buy it for $12. And I was like, yeah, he just –

What happened? How did they resolve it? I think he kept it. I think he got to keep it. Or I think he was like out of decency, he gave it back. But I think it was mostly like, we know you. That's sweet. What a scumbag.

One time I made a trade with a local baseball card store. It was a new baseball card store that had just opened. And I got myself a Jerry Rice and Joe Montana autograph picture. It's pretty big news in San Francisco in 1988. And later on, the guy tried to trade back. I'm like, I'm a nine-year-old and you're a grown man. Like the next time you came in or did he track you down? Yeah, like the next time I came in, he's like, you know, we could trade back.

Do you want to trade back at all? Like he looked it up and he's like, oh, fuck, I just got swindled by this eight-year-old. But you said no backseats. Yeah, I did say no backseats. And that was the last thing that we actually took it to the Ninth Circuit. Did not make it all the way to the Supreme Court, but did make it all the way to the Ninth Circuit. That's the Warren Court for you. Yeah, it it was no backsies in writing yeah and then there's the technicality of like how did you spell no backsies because legally it's yep did you spit your palm before

you shook on it yeah dna tests are going to follow if you just spit your palm so i did all that stuff i like how baseball card stores are either just opened or there's no baseball card store. These places are not... It's not a legitimate business. I think there's no such... Every piano store is going out of business. You never drive by a piano store like, we're booming!

It seems like the sports card store, you knew it was in trouble when it added shoeshine shit. Like they added some shoe repair and shoeshine elements to it as if that was a one-stop shop for someone. The baseball card store. That's something else nobody needs. Yeah, yeah.

Shoe repair. Ah, laser disc sales. We'll also add that and really pack them in here. Laser disc sales. We'll also add that and really pack them in here. The baseball card store by my house was half, by my father's house, was also half vintage costume jewelry. Like, I cannot imagine the person who went into that store looking for costume jewelry and had to deal with the fact that half of this small store was baseball card children and men. Like, what a nightmare.

What kind of person do you imagine is going costume jewelry shopping? Well, like a 1968 gay guy. What kind of proper individual? Like, I never thought I'd have to deal with such feelings. I just came in for a brooch. The cheapest one I can find. When the store went out of business, I remember going in there. And this, I probably was 15 at this point, you know, in 1996, the end of all baseball cards.

And I went in there. I remember asking him, the card store guy, because there was only this one guy, what he was going to do. He said, I guess I'll probably sell at flea markets and stuff. And I was just on the cusp. I had just passed the point where I was old and sophisticated enough to understand in that moment how sad this man's life had always been like up until 15 to my mind owning your own baseball card store was the greatest job of all time like how could adulthood be going better for you but just as he said he was just going to sell baseball cards at flea markets from now on i realized oh, his life is filled with tears.

Yeah. It sounds like, Kyle, you realized that about your community college teacher. I did. It seems like you guys both shared parallel stories of realizing that adulthood can be kind of tough. Yeah. It opens up occasionally. Anyway, I'm a podcaster now, so I'm doing great.

Yeah. Living the dream. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfundstore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? MaxLundStore.com, because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kyle Kinane, living the dream. He is, ladies and gentlemen. He's one of the funniest stand-up comedians in America. He's got his own stand-up comedy special that you can purchase probably in multiple formats. Is that the case? You mean like online? Yeah, what are we talking about?

MPEGs? Probably. Yeah, I mean, hey, if you're listening to this, you know how to do it. Don't take my word for it. You'll get it. Just type in Kyle Kinane new thing. Yeah. Get yourself a real audio file of that. Give Kyle Kinane money. Just type that in. Get an AIFF. Yum, yum. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love apes. Love those files. That's not like an accredited bank. I don't know what that is. It's like a naval credit union. It's for only Jimmy Buffett. This place is an offshore place to put your gambling winnings. It's our beach safe.

So your fucking ex-wife doesn't get her hands on it, right? Chill bank and trust. Oh, I want an ex-wife. Oh, ex-wives. Give me. Give me one of them. I just want to share half my stuff with somebody I don't talk to anymore. All right, guys.

When something momentous happens to you, like you finally meet the love of your life, have a ceremony performed either in a religious place or in a place of civic significance like a city hall, the two of you decide to share your life together. Like if, for example, you get a wife. Got to get a wife. Got to get a wife. Got to get a wife. Got to get a wife. We hope you'll call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. 206-984-4FUN is the number. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your telephone.

Save it for later. You might need it. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, guest. This is Adam from North Carolina. I am out playing golf by myself and hit my first hole-in-one with zero witnesses. But I was listening to The Adventure Zone, so get them, get them, get them. I don't fucking believe you.

I don't fucking believe you. You're a liar. I know you think that this validates what you did, but I don't think you did it. It's a real penguin in the pants here. Yeah, this is a fucking lie. I don't know why he would rub it in by saying he was listening to a different podcast. Yeah, that was bullshit. That's a fucking lame move. You know what?

As long as you're lying, as long as you're fucking lying to us, John from Cincinnati or whatever your name was, I wasn't paying attention. I'm glad your HBO show was canceled early. And you know what? If you're fucking lying to my face about scoring a hole in one or whatever, you might as well lie and say you're listening to our podcast. You creep. You golfing creep lie and say you're listening to our podcast. You creep. You golfing creep. Stay away from my daughter.

Stay the fuck away from my daughter. Jordan. Hmm. You don't have a daughter. Oh, I gotta get a daughter! God, I need so much. Let's take another call. Hi, this is John from North Carolina.

So I had a pretty hard weekend, including my youngest having to go to the emergency room for stitches. So I was worrying about everything that was going on, and then I got into a fender bender. Wasn't serious, but it was my fault. And then the man was upset at first, but I asked him if he was all right, and he told me not to call, not to file it right away, and he'd see if there was any permanent damage. And he just called me and said, there's definitely a dent, but that's all, and just don't worry about it. So I don't know.

I really needed that, and he was very kind to them. Sometimes people really impress you. Get them, get them, get them. I think that's a lie, too. Yeah, I think it's a lie. Fucking bullshit. This guy. This man doesn't have a youngest. He probably doesn't even have a car.

Yeah. This guy's probably hopping on a razor scooter or a hoverboard. Pedicab. And going to his job selling drugs at the mall. Like at a Walgreens? Instead of like a kiosk where you buy a cell phone case. Oh, God. Or a mescaline.

Specialized pharmacist. Mobile pharmacist. Yeah, mobile pharmacist. Scooting around the mall. Yeah, I don't believe this. So many lies. I think this is – Jordan, correct me if I'm wrong. I accidentally swung the microphone way far away from my face just now.

I did a full-on one of those Elvis-style stage moves with my microphone. More of a Brian Setzer-style stage move, let's be honest. I shouldn't flatter myself. Wait for his restaurant. Oh, yeah. I could come up with a good witty pun for the restaurant. I'm trying to pun pompadour. The only thing I've come up with is chompadour.

That's got Brian Seltzer beat. Yeah, Brian Seltzer's good. I'm going to go with the tray cats, and it's like they're all scary. Oh, they're all hairy trays. Yeah. Not good. It wasn't good. You're right.

Nobody should laugh at that. Fruit Suit Riot. I know he didn't sing Fruit Suit Riot. Oh, God. Now you're bringing down the full fury of Rage-tacular on us. Reddit regular Rage-etacular loves that band. I think this could be a general 90s Swig themed restaurant. You got

Chompadors, Fruitsuit Riot, Brian Seltzer, and Big Bad Voodoo Sammies. That's what I call sandwiches. I like that. I'm with that one. Anyway, the rest were bad with that one. Anyway.

Yeah, the rest were bad. That one's good. Jordan, I think there's a lesson to be drawn from this week's calls. And we're only going to take these two calls this week. Yeah. And the lesson to my mind, and you can correct me if you see things differently, but the lesson to my mind is don't bullshit us. You know, we're not jack off.

We're not just a couple of guys wandering down the middle of the sidewalk doing the jack off motion, okay? We're sharper than that. Yeah. Okay, we know when you're trying to pull the wool over our eyes. We're the Brian Setzers of podcasting. Hell, Brian Setzers? No. We're the Brian Setzers of podcasting. Hell, Brian Setzers? No. We're the Chris Isaacs of podcasting, okay?

Speaking of good at everything. Sure. Brian Setzer's the Jordan Jesse Go of rockabilly music is what I would have said. I would say that he's the Jordan Jesse Go of Christmas concerts. Okay, all right. You know. More specific. Yeah. Anyway right. You know. More specific. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm Chris Isaac. That show was his sitcom was in syndication for a while. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. The Chris Isaac Show. He was the first guy to play a cheeky version of himself. Yeah.

A trend that continues to this day. Two ever increasing results. Everyone's better than the last. Wandering around. You know who's funny? Playing a version of yourself. You know who's funny? And Kyle,

I know you think that I'm about to say Kyle Kinane, and sure, Kyle Kinane's funny. But you know who I think is the funniest guy around? Time to get jealous on my part, huh? Mr. Justin Timberlake. JT. JT is so funny.

He's so funny. Funny, funny, funny. He goes on SNL. It's what I call Saturday Night Live. I love the political sketches. They're very satirical. Taking down a peg is what happens. I do think we are.

I think you have been so deeply wounded by Justin Timberlake is funny. To be fair, no one has said that in a long time. He had a little cameo in the Popstar movie. He did a good job. He did funny. He always does a good job. He did fine. He always does a good job. Did something personal happen. That's one of the worst things about it.

Yeah. That's why I'm so hurt by it. I do want to have an intervention for you and Justin Timberlake is funny. Because it's over. I think we all agree that it was a collective mistake. And I know it wounded you. Because it goes against everything you stand for. I can't stop thinking about it.

And you were vindicated. You were right. America agrees with you and I think it's time to move on. You know that song Cry Me a River? Hmm. I love that song. He's got some jams. I think we can all agree he's got some jams.

No one's saying that the man doesn't produce a hummable pop tune. And for a while, people were saying he was funny and they were wrong. But everyone agrees. You can sleep well. I don't think I'm going to be able to. With the knowledge. It's just a likable guy. I'll say this. Okay.

I already said I like Cry Me a River, right? He was great in The Love Guru. Oh, you all love Love Guru. Pretty much carried The Love Guru. Now, granted, that's like, you know, sure, everybody's great in Citizen Kane, too. Okay. Everybody's funny in The Love Guru. But he was great in The Love Guru.

So I'm just going to leave it at that. Yeah. I don't want to leave this on a sour note. It's probably going to come up for me again because I'm just stuffing it back down and spilling it back out. The levels of sarcasm at play here are so deep. It's a lot of layers. I'm really at a loss. So we don't like him.

What do we believe? But do we kind of like him or we don't like him at all? And that's why kind of like him is still like law even worse. I think let's all go around and say what we actually think about Justin Timberlake. Just to be clear. Yeah. Because there are levels

of irony here. Yeah. That are being... People are pawing at them like a blooming onion interlaced with an awesome blossom. Oh, yeah.

How do you start that? Don't know. How do you start an interlock? Punch it. Just fucking punch it. Punch it open. I think he's got some pop jams. I don't listen to a ton of pop music, but when one comes on the radio, I'll tap my foot.

I think the he's funny thing was overstated, but now I think he's in a good place culturally. Because you like that Trolls song so much? God, I love Trolls. Anything that kind of sounds like Pharrell's happy, but isn't it? Oh, God, I'm doing it again. Song's fine. Dr. Luke version of Happy by Pharrell. I know so little about it, it doesn't affect my life.

I'm not trying to be diplomatic. No, no, no. JT, get out there and live your life. Do what you're doing. Good for you. I'm not, I guess I'm not seeing the movies where he's popping up and I'm like, oh, well, goddammit. Yeah.

Timberlake. I'll say this, okay? Justified, his first solo album, it's a great album. Genuinely one of the best pop albums of the last 15 years. I don't want him ever to rap again, and I'm still mad at him for throwing shade at Prince before Prince died. I don't want him ever to rap again. And I'm still mad at him for throwing shade at Prince before Prince died.

Because he's like a really shitty version of Prince. I didn't know he did anything to Prince. I was going to say, what if Prince was like doing funny little parts in movies in the early 90s? Prince was really good on... what's that show called? Was it Zooey Deschanel? Oh, sure. Yeah, New Girl. Oh, the New Girl, yeah.

New Girl. Yeah, Prince was on New Girl, and he was great. Prince is really funny. Prince knows what he can do, although under a cherry moon would argue otherwise. Staying in his lane for the most part. Except for the late 80s. He's got a big lane. He's fine.

Nice wide lane. All right, people. I don't know. Justin Timberlake's probably a good guy. I don't know. He's very handsome. I didn't know. What did he do to Prince?

Oh, let's not get... I'm not going to get into it. Just Google. You can Google it. Okay. All right. America. What was the phrase? It was throwing shade? It was throwing some shade. Yeah, he was shading Prince. That Google. You can Google it. Okay. All right. America. What was the phrase? It was throwing shade?

It was throwing some shade. Yeah, he was shading Prince. That means being mean to, right? Yeah. Okay. Insulting. Blocking the shine. He's blocking Prince's shine.

I just started saying dope in the last three months. Dope? I finally felt confident. Dope's got nowhere to go but up. Yeah. I feel like I've already overused it. Like, I'll just, like, in one night night I'll have to be like stop saying dope. Can I suggest saying deez nuts?

But that's not fun. It's kind of fun to say deez nuts. Use it sparingly. Like a Mrs. Dash. I can't say deez nuts because a guy I was in a band with in 1996 or 1997 had a bumper sticker on his car. And it just had like two acorns with Deez over it. I didn't know where Deez Nuts came from. And he was so surprised.

Like, look at it. I was like, what? Deez Nuts. Look at that sticker. I'm saying it to the world. Deez Nuts. And I'm like, I'm D's nuts. I got a sticker. I'm saying it to the world. D's nuts. And I'm like, I'm never going to say that. There was a guy at my high school who, real big shot, when he was a senior, started his own T-shirt company.

The T-shirt said Balls Deep. Wait, was it like Big Johnson? No, I think he just said the text balls deep i don't think it had puns or any kind of cleverness no no allusion to no i just said that was just the text ball i mean it was right around them that in sync really took off so yeah you know good on him you know who who thought that he would still be a star all these years later where did d's nuts start how did they where d's nuts start would still be a star all these years later? Where did Dee's Nuts start? Where did Dee's Nuts start and still be a star?

I don't know. It wasn't like a famous person said it? It wasn't from a movie? Rap people said it in the mid-90s. I think probably the best Nuts thing was there was a cool Keith song where he went, Keep it real. Represent what? My Nuts.

Hey, let's get on it. All you research junkies out there, what's the first appearance of Dee's nuts? I'd like to know. Yeah, I think this sounds like a great episode of our friend Helen Zaltzman's podcast, The Illusionist. Sure. Researching the etymological origins of Dee's nuts. Or possibly a Jeffrey Nunberg commentary on fresh air. Oh, I'd love a Nunberg on this.

Get on it, Nunberg. Oh, I got to get a Nunberg. Oh, I need a Nunberg. Yum, yum. Oh, I need a linguist Jeffrey Nunberg from UC Berkeley. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kyle Kinane, deez nuts. Kyle, it's always fun to see you. It's always a joy

to see the great Kyle Kinane. Thank you for having me. One of the funniest guys in the world. Wouldn't you say, Jordan? Yeah. Who's your top five funniest guys in the world? And I'm going to spot you one. Justin Timberlake. Sure. Two through six. Who's your two through six? Kyle Kinane.

Right? Get out of here. Nailed it. And then just, you know, Kyle Kinane and his various personas. Oh, his signature character! Oh yeah, my character work. Yes! Some of the best. I jump right in. I play a cheeky version of myself. Yeah! Wandering around

LA or New York, dating! I've been doing it this whole time and you didn't even know. Yeah, if you get the right craft service in this guy he really transforms. Buddy, get me a good cup holder apple. Oof. Have we called everything back? We have to call everything back.

I don't know. This is an OCD podcast where we can't leave. This is total recall. Jordan, I'll check. Let me call your wife real quick. Oh, my wife. Okay. There we go.

Great. Everything. All settled? Everything. Everything is settled. We can go to sleep. Everything is settled. The devil go. Great. Everything. All settled? Everything is settled. We can go to sleep. Everything is settled. The devil in my brain is quiet.

Brian Fernandez. Briefly. Until tomorrow. Brian Fernandez, our producer, laughing almost too enthusiastically outside the studio window. Kyle Kinane has a brand new stand-up comedy special. It's called Loose in Chicago. I've seen billboards for it around town. You got your billboards, Canaan.

I haven't seen one in real life yet. Oh, they're lovely. There's one by that pizza place on Santa Monica. How appropriate. You know the one. How appropriate for me. Yeah. Gotta get the boards. Put them up by the pizza place. I know my market. Sure. Pizza fans, also Canaan fans.

I'm gonna level with the listener. You're not going to go wrong. Spend your $3 on demand for Kyle Canaan. Hell, I say spend $12. Whoa. Get yourself that DVD. I don't know if I can back up $12, but I can give you $3 worth of... I think you're going to get your $12 worth out of

Kyle Canaan's loose in Chicago. Is there a limited edition vinyl? Probably down the road. I got no plans yet, but. Okay. It'll probably show up. Picture disc? Cassette? All of it.

The whole thing. Reel to reel. Reel to reel is the new shit. Banners, plain banners. Reel to reel is the new shit. Are there guys who do that? Whack cylinders. I kind of, I respect it.

I respect it. Somebody's putting out reel to reel tape? Yeah. Like half inch tape? Reel to reel has a wider dynamic range. Yeah, because that's what's been missing from your shitty band is the range on the recording device. What if you were just a good band? Yeah.

What if you just did that and didn't blame it on the lack of mid-range on an MP3? Yeah, it's over-compressed, Kyle. Oh, yeah. It's that brick wall limiter it's over compressed let's use that weird effect in our voice that makes it sound like we're screaming through a megaphone every garage rock band but get it on tape so i think jordan i think we found kyle canane's justin timberlake it's funny yeah here it is yep resent Resentments we've been nursing since college for $200, please, Alex. Sorry.

I got into my character. Guy too old to care about that stuff. Your famous character. That and United Airlines, right? Yep. Oh, boy. Maximumfun.reddit.com. You can chat about the show on Reddit.

Like Jordan, Jesse, go or join the Maximum Fun group on Facebook. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, at Kyle Kinane. Kyle Kinane's on Twitter. Follow him. Sure. Full of gags. He'll probably tell you where to pick up his latest special. Oh, I'll tell you where.

Loose in Chicago. Up your ass. I'll tell you. That's where his special is. Reach up in there. I put it in there for you. It's right behind these nuts hey Kyle Kinane ladies and gentlemen we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica

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