Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 451: Hulk Hoagie with Jonathan Ames

Episode Date: October 24, 2016

Writer Jonathan Ames joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jonathan's history fencing, the specifics of Hulk Hogan's sex tape trial, and the new Nintendo Switch commercial.   

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm your host, Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful evening in Los Angeles. Nice that as the fall falls, we start recording this show during the magic hour. falls uh we start recording this show during the magic hour yeah i mean and i think i think you can really tell if you're listening to the show on blu-ray yeah absolutely it's i mean it's how we prefer you listen to the show i mean you could stream it i like 4k streaming oh okay streaming 4k oh interesting preferred well i didn't get the. I've still been pushing these Blu-rays.

I also, I've been thinking about, just for the future of Jordan, Jesse, go, because I kind of want to future-proof the show. Yeah. Are you familiar with the idea of future-proofing it? I mean, I can kind of infer what it means. Do you want to explain it? So you put latches on cabinets and put those things in the electrical outlet so you can't stick a fork in there and that kind of thing. I thought you maybe meant should we build trap bananas in case apes become our masters? Either way.

I already started building the trap bananas. Right. So I kind of feel like a chump. So future-proofing. We're making sure that the show can continue. So future-proofing. We're making sure that the show can continue. Yeah.

From now on, I think we should shoot this show in high frame rate 3D like that new Ang Lee movie. Oh, yeah. Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk. Sure. Yeah. Anyway, so we should probably start dealing with PTSD issues. Right. And like another Ang Lee movie, we could probably bring in the Hulk. Well, I'm dealing with PTSD issues ever since those Penny Arcade guys were on the show.

Sure, yeah. I still wake up screaming. And I'm dealing with Hulk issues. Oh, great. Oh, boy. I didn't want to get into this. It's a little dishy. Right. But I used to fuck the Hulk.

Yes, yes. Go on. And, you know, it was great. The Incredible I used to fuck the Hulk. Yes, yes. Go on. And, you know, it was great. The Incredible Hulk? That's the one. Yeah. And it was great for a while. You know, just fun, casual.

Right. You got to keep it cash. No drama. Green Hulk or Gray Hulk? Oh, Green Hulk. Yeah. Well, that's when things started to get messy. Oh, really?

Yeah. You know, and everything was fine. We weren't putting labels on it. Right. Because who needs those? Right. Who needs a label? We're just having fun.

Outside of labeling, the Hulk is incredible. Sure, yeah. Or making sure you know which bananas are the trapped bananas and which ones are the eaten bananas. Right. If the future monkeys can read, we're in big trouble. Yeah. I mean, I think just the idea is to have some sort of like symbol that you understand. Oh, right. Got it. Right. If the future monkeys can read, we're in big trouble. Yeah. I mean, I think just the idea is to have some sort of like symbol that you understand.

Oh, right. Got it. Yeah. What about a monkey with a line through it? Like a kind of I hate monkeys symbol? Yeah, that's nice. Would that symbolize the trap bananas or the fruit bananas? Boy, it's confusing. We'll need a key. Got it. We'll need to carry around

a key in our wallet. Got it. And also just like some conversion stuff. Right. In case we ever go to a country that has the metric system. Got it. So yeah, things are going good with Hulk. Yeah.

And, you know, just when that whole gray Hulk thing started, I'm like, I'm out. Yeah. You know, too much drama. Really really and you know i hate drama well you're a no drama mama yeah and you know and i think that's something that i let you know everybody i'm dating know is if there's one thing i hate it's drama you're also 420 friendly, shaved, tight. And I love hikes and brunch. Right. So there's a, it's not really. That's everything about me, by the way. That is, I think if you get those things, you kind of get this saucy little package.

Well, should we introduce our guest on the program? I don't know. I hope it's not the Hulk because things will be weird. It's not the Hulk, but I can tell you this, Jordan. He's quite good at softball. Okay. I thought you were going to say he's incredible. He's incredible too.

Yeah. He's an acclaimed writer of fiction, nonfiction, and television. Cool. He's the boss of one of my favorite shows, the Starz series Blunt Talk. He is a longtime friend of Max Funn and a legendary charmer, Mr. Jonathan Ames. Hi, Jonathan Ames. Hi. That wasn't very charming, but hello.

But that was. Your post-high apology was very charming. Yeah, I guess I rallied at the last moment. I was thinking of Max Fun, though, when you said that. And I had such a nice memory of like being out in the woods. Oh, at Max Fun Con. What was that, two years ago maybe? Yeah, I think so.

Three years ago maybe, Lake Arrowhead. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what I remember most vividly about your visit to Max FunCon is that you were by far the best player on the softball field. Like Chuck Bryant was pretty good. Sure, Ken Roberts knows how to throw one of those underhanded slow pitch knuckleballs. But the real star on that softball field was Jonathan Ames. I'm having like a junior, senior moment. I have no memory of that softball field was Jonathan Ames. I'm having like a junior-senior moment. I have no memory of this softball game.

You sure it was me? I mean, if you're like me, you like to take some shrooms and play softball. I'm trying to remember this game. It might have just been Dan Kennedy. Could have been. No, it was you, Jonathan Ames. You were slugging out there. You're quite the athlete. Well, I have no recollection of this.

For an effete Eastern intellectual, you're really an excellent athlete. Well, I used to play a lot of sports as a kid. Sports was a great, great, I love sports. What were your sports of choice? Well, let's see. I played tennis. I used to play softball, but just recreationally. I was on the fencing team.

These are very effete sports. You never played professional softball, Jonathan? No, never. Purely recreational. I wish I could remember the details of the game. Dressage. I remember walking around in the darkness. I remember John Hodgman had a cabin where people gathered and were drinking.

Nice fragments, though. But no game, damn it. Ames was clubbing it. Oh. Maybe that's why. He wasn't clubbing it like in the Weeby Clubbing sense. Although that would be great. Oh, wait, wait, now it's coming to me.

Yes, we walked up a hill. Yeah. Okay, I do remember that field. Yeah, okay, I remember that game. Yeah, the chocolate was kind of ripped, too. Yeah, because he got guns. Something, when I was a kid, I had a friend that played tennis and would try and take me up to the tennis area. I don't know what it's called.

Right. It's called the Lynx. There you go. Tried to take me down to the links. And something that I just never got about tennis is that you're not just supposed to hit it as hard as you can. I know. Ah, me too. Drove me nuts. There have been periods where I have thought I should like to play tennis because it's a i like playing sports it's a recreational sport that a lot of

people do and doesn't take a lot of people to play you only need two people to play or you can just hit it into a wall but yeah the part about not just hitting it as hard as you can is so fucking hard to manage yeah like i just want to, like every time I hit the fucking ball, I just knock it way out of the tennis court. Because of your Hulk strength. Well, yeah. I mean,

they shouldn't have got me angry. Uh, Jonathan, do you, you mentioned fencing in there. Uh, what was, when was the last time you fenced?

Um, I, I think I went to a college alumni meet. I'm, I'm answering everything so earnestly. You guys are very funny. But I'm still imagining. But Hulk would be a very dramatic lover.

Wouldn't that be the whole thing? The Hulk, he gets all enraged. Yeah, passionate. I mean, how could he be not? Wouldn't that be the lure? Do you think? Was the drama? No, you're right.

I think you were poking holes in my bit, Jonathan. Okay, I thought maybe you were holes in my bit, Jonathan. Okay. I thought maybe you were covering up for what really happened. No, no. Yeah. Right. I think that, right. It is a funny idea thinking of making love to the Hulk or just, you know, like courting the Hulk and him just like, would you like to go to the farmer's market?

But I think it makes for a nice visual, a little human riding on his back somehow. Oh, I would love to ride the Hulk. Farmer's market. Jordan, would you like to rent a paddle boat? Oh, that sounds delightful. Can I ask you a question, Jordan, sincerely? Please. I don't know if you dated exclusively the Hulk or if you also saw David Banner, but I—

Bruce Banner. Bruce Banner? Yeah. Oh, David Banner is what he was called on the TV show. Oh, okay. That's what David Banner the Rat Man is named after. Gotcha. Bruce Banner, if you also dated Bruce Banner, but do you think that Bruce—maybe you know,

Bruce Banner, but do you think that Bruce, maybe you know, can Bruce Banner become engorged without hulking out? Yeah, I think that is part of, I mean, obviously, like, you know, superhero comics have to, you know, you can't get too dirty. Right. But I do think that is- They can show a hard-on, but they can't show penetration. Right, exactly. It's like a playgirl.

You can show a half-chub. That's why Dare penetration. Right, exactly. It's like a playgirl. You could show a half-chub. Right. That's why Daredevil's always got a half-chub. Right. That's what he's famous for. But I think that is part of Hulk lore, is that's why relationships are tough. That's why he's kind of a loner, is because I think part of that includes when you get sexually excited you know the hulk comes out oh didn't he sue gawker yeah he did just this kind of conversation the backing of Hulk Hogan sex tape.

Yeah. A, do you know anyone who has watched it? Why would one, how you, what degree of fan do you have to be of Hulk Hogan to want to watch that sex tape, I guess? Or to refuse to watch it. I just want to ask a basic question, because I'm a little bit older than you guys, not much, but I'm not good. I can never find sex tapes on the internet, you know?

What happens? Do they go away? Like, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, I hear about them all the time, but I've never actually seen them. Where do you Google them? This is a great question. Like, Google Gulk Hogan? Gulk Hogan? Yeah, just Google Gulk Hogan.

That's how they get around things in the dark web, just spell it a little differently. No wonder I don't get to see it. Search for the celebrity's name but in pig Latin and you'll find it. Yeah, I guess maybe the original was Pam and Tommy. Pam and Tommy Lee. I've never seen that. I've definitely seen Pam and Tommy Lee. Oh, yeah?

But it was like on – do you remember – so this would have been after your time, Jonathan. But when we went to college, the internet was not yet fully developed. I mean it existed completely, but it wasn't in its full current bloom. But a cat had yet to play keyboard and usher in the modern era. But we had a robust intranet in the dorms. And you could just, when you were plugged into the internet, you could just look around and see what other people left unprotected on their computers. And it was substantially, if not exclusively, pornography. And I think that's where I saw that sex tape.

Somebody had a hot real player file of it yeah i mean i was never like um i really it was out of pure amoral curiosity or immoral curiosity perhaps even i was not even and i've never really been into pamela anderson uh i do remember i feel like tommy lee had a monster crank i think i mean i know that as you know the fallout from that i've never seen it but i know had a monster crank? I think, I mean, I know that as, you know, the fallout from that. I've never seen it, but I know about the monster crank. Ray J also has a monster crank? I think Ray J's also got a monster crank. Yeah.

I like Lonnie Anderson. There you go. From WKRP in Cincinnati. This is kind of like an episode of that. Only better. Where is Lonnie Anderson? I don't know. She's still around.

Yeah, hanging out, counting mun. Just relaxing, having tea with the girls. Be nice to meet her. That would be great. That would be fun to meet Lonnie Anderson. I don't know, have dinner. I bet she's seen a lot. Something that came up in the legal wake of the Hulk Hogan sex tape I think is very interesting.

So the people who were trying to prevent Hulk from suing used this defense. because Hulk Hogan goes on like morning radio shows and talks about how big his dong is, that it is therefore in character for him to have a sex tape, and it is along the lines of how he presents himself publicly. So therefore a sex tape is not damaging his reputation because he goes on radio shows and talks about his dong. Right, because he's a public figure and that is part of his public persona. Sure. And his argument was that when he goes on the radio, he's Hulk Hogan. And when he was having the sex tape, he was whatever Hulk Hogan's real name is.

Oh, yeah. It's like Rich Gambarini or something. Yeah. Yeah. Terry Baleo. Terry Baleo. So Hulk Hogan's penis is a character in this world. And that argument is that Hulk Hogan's penis is a fictional character and he can talk because

he is, and he also has an argument, he said his penis is very small. No, really? He had to come out and say that? Yeah. So when he- To win this lawsuit? To win the lawsuit. He had to own up to his small penis. And racism, too, I guess.

Now, does this same thing about being a character apply to Bubba the Love Sponge? Oh, hard to say. Like, is he because he is... But that's the name on his birth certificate, so no. That is his authentic self. Bubba T. Love Sponge. Yeah. You can call me Bubba, though. I would love it if the judge settled in Hulk Hogan's favor but forced Hulk Hogan to have to produce like a series of animated films about his penis just to prove that it is a fictional character.

I think that Gawker put excerpts of the sex tape on Gawker. And that was part of, it wasn't just that they had covered it. It was that they had published portions of it. I don't remember if they like blurred stuff out. Yeah, I didn't see it. Sorry. It's okay. Don't worry, Jonathan.

But yeah, like I think the question is like, But yeah, I think the question is like I just – like I genuinely don't want to see that. No. Yeah. Like I'm not even curious about that in a non-sexual way. But I did imagine just now inside his golden shorts a little Hulk Hogan action figure that's kind of like a penis but had his arms. Right, had his arms and maybe movable joints. Yeah, and that's what's down there between his legs. Maybe he's like one of those. Do you guys remember the often played Saturday morning cartoon commercial for the Wrestling Buddies, the stuffed versions of the wrestlers.

Oh, yes. In fact, when I was in college, my college roommate, my freshman year roommate, Mike, was totally obsessed with Ultimate Warrior and especially Ultimate Warrior's life advice. life advice. He, for a while, the ultimate warrior, after he went slightly insane and was kicked out of the WWF, was calling himself warrior.

And he aspired to open a chain of inspirational gymnasiums for exercising and becoming part of, gaining warrior spirit. um and he was always talking about if you go on the internet archive and find i think it was like warrior nation.com or something uh you can still find some of his insane essays about how life is best lived which specifically is with folk, which is focus, but it's not about us.

It's about you personally. And distrucity, which is the quality of being able to destroy. Distrucity? Distrucity. And folk is short for focus, but not folk like common folk it's foc maybe f-o-k-e but it is focused but it's individual focus rather than group focus um anyway my roommate mike was obsessed with ultimate warrior and i i did locate and purchase for him an ultimate warrior wrestling buddy uh so So I briefly owned one myself. But yeah, sure.

That was like in 1986. No better thing to own than a huggable Hulk Hogan. You can film your own sex tape. I imagine somebody probably rubbed against one of those dolls. I bet it did happen. Yeah, I bet that was that imprinted on someone's sexuality. I mean, let's be honest. If it's plush, somebody's rubbed against it.

Yeah. I think people have tried to fuck a Teddy Ruxpin. Oh, sure. Got that cassette bay. Sure, yeah. That sweet motorized mouth with that seductive whirr while it's talking. Nong, nong, nong. Sure. Is the sound these sex acts would make.

John, I do genuinely, filthy jokes about Hulk Hogan's dong aside, do want to know about what it's like to be on a fencing team. Who fences, I guess i'm wondering what is the quality of a of a young fencer um i don't well they're athletic you know but they're not your typical jocks though there were some typical jocks they're they were kind of like the jocks who might later you know be at the head of a submarine or something like that. You know, they're just like… Classic, yeah, classic naval submarine jocks.

Kind of diabolical side, a little bit. Yeah. Because they like swashbuckling. And there's an equipment aspect to fencing. When I was a fencer, I fenced saber and it wasn't electrical. But later, everything's electrical. So you're going to kind of be good with wires and keep your weapons in order. What do you mean electrical?

I guess I don't know. Well, when you fence to score touches so that they – it all happens so fast. You do have a judge. Lights go on to indicate who's been struck. Okay. And there's all sorts of rules of engagement. Who begins the attack has what's called the right of way. Anyway, I haven't done it for a long time. I enjoyed it, but I had some crushing defeat. I was thinking

about this recently. I don't know why it happened 30 years ago. And something broke in me. I choked. I was going to win the state championship. I was up 4-0. You had to get five touches. the state championship. I was up 4-0. You had to get five touches. And I had like an undefeated season, real perfectionism going on. And then I choked and this guy came back, my rival, and beat me 5-4. And something kind of broke in me that night on the sport. I never really enjoyed it again. Do you remember the rival? Do you remember who it was? Yeah, I remember a nice guy named Tony Consoli later became Hulk Hogan. Yeah, but so, I don't know, like

it meant, like, I don't know, get all wrapped up in perfectionism and it wasn't that much fun. But then later I did in college and we would have fun. We'd go up on the battlements of the football field and stage sword fights there and then in my tv stuff i've often recreated fencing moments in fact i i fenced uh this season on

blum talk i was patrick stewart's body double because i kind of do this thing where he and his manservant pull do a little bit of uh inspector clouseau and kato, you know, where they attack each other and they battle. And so this one shot, they were fencing. But I stepped in for Patrick Stewart for a lot of the stuff because he had a bad shoulder. I mean, did you try and get into character as Patrick Stewart? Did you try and, you know... Become spectacularly handsome. Yes, I was going to say, tell people what to do.

Obtain an absurd amount of dignity. Well, I knew I was hidden by the mask. Sure. I guess I tried to think like his character did. Anyway, so that was the last time I fenced was a few months ago. I feel like I probably couldn't talk to Patrick Stewart. That would be tough. I've talked to many, many, many people who I admire and great

artists, great creators with Bullseye, you know, obviously. Sure, and Chris Fairbanks. And Chris Fairbanks. But I just feel like Patrick Stewart is so, so like, so powerful in his presence

that I genuinely would have a hard time conversing with him. Oh, but, I mean, you would find him very approachable, and he loves to talk, and, yeah, I think you would get engaged immediately. Would you say... He's not scary. Is he soups chill? Totes chill?

I don't know this slang, but I recognize the word chill. So from that, I'll assume that he's calm and easy to be around. You know, I would agree with you. Well, what's totes chill? Totally, I think totes is totally and supes is super. Oh, so not like a totes bag. No, not like a travel umbrella.

Is he a tote bag filled with chill yeah okay because that's why I'm like okay does he carry his chill no alright yeah

alright so it's totally chill what was it soups chill soups chill yeah is this people really saying this everybody yeah like in about 2008

yeah oh 2008 a great time to be totes chill and soups chill yep um just a great year for a brief overall oh, a great time to be totes chill and supes chill. Yep. It's just a great year for a brief overall.

Oh, yeah. A great why for a brief. So I would tend to agree with you. Uh-huh. But I have gone through many, many online image galleries of Patrick Stewart goofing around with Ian McKellen. Yeah. Which I think humanizes him to a spectacular degree. You know, I interviewed... By the way, if you have not seen these image galleries, do yourself a favor.

Get on Google, or Goog, as I called it in 2008, and type in Patrick Stewart goofs around with Ian McKellen. I don't know if that's exactly the search term, but it'll, you know, Goog knows what's up. It'll help you out. And they do all kinds of things. They go to Chinatown. Yeah, I think they were doing Waiting for Godot in New York.

Oh, yeah. And I think to sort of help support doing that play, I think they went around New York and did all sorts of pictures. Yeah, and just automatically everything they did would viral because they're the two greatest men. Does Ian and Colin ever show up on the set of Blunt Talk

to just do some goofing around between takes? I never saw them on the set of Blunt Talk, but I went to, I think, Patrick's wife's birthday party, which was at a pool hall in Brooklyn. I hope that's not too much information or something. TMI, as we would say.

And Ian McKellen was there and very nice. Oh, cool. And I'd also seen him and Patrick doing Waiting for Godot and the Pinter play. I'm blanking on the title. Yeah, they were doing a Pinter show when I was in London. And they're doing it right now in London, too. And I'm still blanking on the title. So, they were doing a Pinter show when I was in London. And they're doing it right now in London, too. And I'm still blanking on the title. So am I. Don't worry.

No Man's Land, maybe? That sounds right. All right. Thank you. I can hear the fellow on the other side. And he chuckles. It's very encouraging. It's not a fake chuckle. Yeah, that's why he hasn't gotten fired. He's a very sincere guy.

Everything else about him does a shit job, but... No, and he's a bad person. Sure. I mean, ultimately, like, one of the big problems with our producer, Brian, is that, yeah, he really is reprehensible. He's the other guy in the Hulk Hogan sex tape. Yeah. And he's encouraging Hulk Hogan to say all that racist stuff. I know, it's terrible.

I mean, I don't even know why we hired Bubba the Love Sponge to be our producer. We figured it would be enough if we just called him Brian instead of Bubba. Yeah. Anywho. Yeah. I have a question for you guys. Given Patrick Stewart's new status as a chill icon, do you think he might be a good person to open a celebrity lifestyle themed eatery?

Go on. I'm with you. You call it soups chill? It's only gazpacho. Sure. I mean, I think that soup plantation is noticeably having some troubles. They're having to close down a lot of locations. And that name has always been very uncomfortable.

You know, in the South, it's called Green Tomatoes or something like that. But yeah, they're okay with it here because here plantations are fine. No one has any negative associations with that. I think Patrick should come up with a whiskey. He likes whiskeys. A friend of mine drinks George Clooney's tequila. Oh, interesting. What is that tequila called?

Does anyone know? I know. All I really know about is Danny DeVito's Limoncello. Sure, yeah. Celebrity booze comes up a weird amount on this show. Yeah, I would like to try the George Clooney tequila. I have not, but... Casamigos.

Casamigos. Casamigos. Now, going back to Danny DeVito for a moment. Please. What was his name in Throw Mama from the Train? I don't know. I like his character's name. Yeah.

I'm trying to remember back to 1988. Oh, I watched it again the other night. It's so good. What's his name? Did Brian get it yet? Did you Google it? I like to know that Jonathan Ames, that acclaimed writer Jonathan Ames spends his free time watching Throw Mama from the Train. It's so good.

It's so good. Owen. Oh, yeah. And the way the mother says the name Owen. Owen. Owen. Oh, yeah. And the way the mother says the name. Owen. Owen. Owen. Owen.

I love the talk of that voice. Jesse. Let's all talk like that for the rest of the show. Jordan. Yeah. Owen. It was so good. Sorry, Brian.

What did I do to you? Brian. Hulk Hogan. It's fun. Podcast! Jordan, are we leaving money on the table not doing a Throw Mama from the Train podcast? Yeah, I mean... Like a Gilmore Guys type situation.

Oh, where we just constantly watch the movie for Throw Mama from the Train? Yeah, well, each week we watch one... You could do a reading of the script. Oh, yeah. Maybe celebrity stunt cast it i mean you of course would play the mother because of your impression i would like to uncanny c'est magnifique as they say in french your impression of the mom from the train uh i notice our local soup plantation has not closed but there is a sign up in the window window saying that it is applying for a liquor license. Wow.

So now I guess their solution to, you know, falling profits is we got to get some booze in there. So part of me loves the idea of just getting real fucked up at the soup plantation. What's soup plantation? Soup plantation is like a lower mid-tier chain restaurant that specializes in soup. Yeah. It's kind of an all-you-can-eat situation. You're dropping $10 to get in there

and there's soup, salad bar, cheese breads, make-your-own-Sunday bar, things like this. And it chillies with no table service. But there's no dawn with the wind kind of. No, no. Yeah, it's not about the antebellum south.

Man, I went to this restaurant in London. We were in London. It was right near our venue. It's a huge Indian restaurant. The food was actually very good. Huge Indian restaurant. The food was actually very good. But it was fully themed out, like high-end themed out as like 1930s Mumbai. Okay.

And it's real weird to go to like a colonial empire-themed restaurant in London. Right. Like it was so like remember the glory days restaurant in London. Right. Like it was so like, remember the glory days of the Raj? Sure. Themed. There's a, I have not been,

but there is a Korean restaurant in Orange County where the theme is Jurassic Park. It's totally illegal. Like they did not get permission, but they just have Jurassic. There's like animatronic dinos. I don't know where they got them. I want to go to this thing. Government surplus.

Right. They were used in a murder. The police just sell them off. Used for military research. But yeah, I guess that Indian restaurant is our soup plantation if they would go whole hog with the Gone with the Wind theme. Yeah. I would like – I like soup plantation to be honest about itself. You think they're –

Like in the baseball playoffs, the Cleveland Indians have only been wearing their racist hat. Oh, boy. Yeah. Like, at the beginning of the season, they made it their, like, second alternate hat or something, and they've been wearing a hat with... So they do have a non-racist hat that's available. They have a very handsome hat with just a nice C on it for Cleveland. Sure.

It's the first letter in Cleveland. Mm-hmm. And so it sort of signifies it stands in for Cleveland. Sure. I believe that's called synecdoche. I don't got time to read the whole word. It might be metonymy. Yeah.

I can't remember. It's a Bildungsroman. Yeah. And yeah, they've for some reason just been choosing to wear the racist one, the one with the like grotesque caricature from 1947. Yeah, sure. racist one the one with the like grotesque caricature from 1947 yeah sure and uh it's really uh it's really awe-inspiring and that's sort of what soup plantation could do like why if you're gonna be awful why do half measures sure just everybody all you know the people who are giving you your tray and your drink cup if you buy it could just be like swooning southern bells.

Mercy. Here's your bottomless beverage cup. Y'all. Were you paying attention when Ani DeFranco had her like – First of all, when it comes to Ani, I'm always paying attention. Okay, great. I'm more of a Tory man myself. Oh, okay.

But I understand where you're coming from. He's an Ani. I'm more of a Tory man myself, but I understand where you're coming from. Sure. He's an Ani, I'm a Tory. Let's call the whole thing off. She had, maybe a year and a half ago, two years ago, she announced a huge retreat conference Ani festival thing that she was holding in a plantation in North Carolina or something like that. And needless to say, the heads of Ani DeFranco's fan base exploded. Like the you could just hear across the nation, just women's heads going. And there was more fucking drama. It was like a solid two months of insane Ani DiFranco's songwriting retreat on a slave plantation drama. Oh, boy.

Do you think this was maybe South Carolina? Because I went to an artist colony in South Carolina on an old plantation. This woman, a great lady, had inherited these lands from her parents. And her parents had used it as hunting grounds from like the 1920s on. It hadn't been plantation since the 19th century. But the old plantation house, I think it was like 900 acres or 9,000 acres. It was a huge bit of land and by a river and we saw alligators and everything anyway when she got it she wanted to have this

land which had been used for hunting and been a plantation to be a place that would uh create art it was called the medway foundation and she held peace conferences there and all sorts of interesting things. In a sense, once she inherited to try to make up for some of the history of that land. And I think eventually she may have sold it. But I wonder if anyway. Now, Tori Amos had her retreat at Edwards Air Force Base. Does that seem weird? No, it's six flags. Oh, OK.

Sorry. I must have misread that. Is it Marine World Africa USA in Vallejo? Yeah, that's the one. That's the Six Flags. When you went to this retreat, was there any plantation stuff around, or did you just know that it was a plantation because they told you? They told us, and when you drove up to the old house, it had that long drive up and it was a beautiful sort of style of another era. I recognize all this stuff from Fletch, too.

And anyway, it was – but there was no other remnants. And for some reason – well, I don't know if it was there or somewhere. I don't know. During that time, I got a case of what's called mystery crabs. Oh, boy. You've never heard of soup chill. I've never heard of mystery crabs. I order them when they're in season straight from Maryland.

Oh, sure, yeah. I put it in one of my books. It was horrifying because there you are at an artist colony, and what do you do about the sheets? Anyway, it was a nightmare, and I ended up shaving my whole body, which was kind of interesting. But I had a good time there, though. Despite the mystery crabs. Yeah. Or perhaps.

Maybe I'd pick them up in New York and brought them down to South Carolina. I don't know. Once you shave. They have an incubation period. When you shaved, did you feel sleek or itchy? Itchy and sleek, like looking in the mirror. There were parts of my body I hadn't seen in so long just because, I don't know. Gross, I'm sorry.

Crevasses. This show is no place to be gross, Jonathan. We try and keep this show PG, Jonathan, if you've noticed. Yeah. Sorry if I get boring. It's all so hot today. I feel like I'm just sleepwalking. That's why I'm drinking coffee.

Wasn't it incredibly hot today, though? It was. October, it was like 96 degrees. Yeah. Los Angeles is really – The world's on fire. I feel like every year it gets to be October and it's 95 degrees outside and I'm angry and disappointed anew and then ashamed because I feel like I should know that that's what it's like. Sure, yeah. You should see it coming at this point.

I've lived here for 10 years now. Well, it had started cooling down a little bit. The whole world is on fire. I know we don't want to talk about that stuff. We try to get in – I mean The main stuff we try and get into and we already hit what it would be like to have sex with the Incredible Hulk, which is one of the main things we try and get

into. We already dealt with Tori and Ani, which we try and talk about every show. And then we get right into climate change. So these are sort of it's like a three-legged, we think of our show as a three-legged stool. So if you remove Tori and Ani or you remove climate change or you remove Hulk fucking, the stool topples. But as long as you have those three legs, it's as strong as can be.

That's a strong stool. You can even stand on it to pick an apple if you wanted to. I really believe in a nice, solid stool. Oh, I mean, that's why you got to eat fruit. I guess. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Listen up, Midwestern Max Funsters. Do not miss out on the inaugural Chicago Podcast Festival, November 17th through 19th. Catch the hilarious ladies of Lady to Lady and the witty and incisive Aneke and James from Minority Corner.

Plus, Bullseye with Jesse Thorne will feature interviews with some pretty heavy hitters, like Andre Royo and Dwayne Kennedy. Don't snooze, don't lose. Tickets are available right now. Visit MaximumFun.org and buy them. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, and Jonathan Ames I was told to come up with a weird nickname two seconds ago you don't got one chambered?

well Peter Pan sexual yeah home run sure just like in the softball game I've been trying to write a good line about that I'm not much of a tweeter twitter tweeter but i did someone wrote something on twitter to me today about the bdsm which i don't it's not a bondage thing it's the no dsm it's the doctor's

deck side manual for mental problems yeah somehow they tweeted to me about this and various categories that they were noticing in the show, you know, and I said, well, what categories or what features? And I said, I've always, I, I, I, I one time labeled myself Peter Pan sexual in that I'm weird and refuse to grow up. So that's, that's my new nickname. I mean, if you look up Peter Pansexual in, say, the OED or the DSM or on NBC, CNN, FedEx. CSN. Yeah. GSN.

Yeah. That's the Golf Network, I think. Maybe. No, that's Games and Sports. Yeah. The Games and Sports Network. The point is you get a picture of Jonathan Ames, you're going to get yourself picture of alan coming those are your two primary peter pansexuals yeah uh on the topic of naming and sexuality oh let's hold on because i want to say i want to mention is this about naming and sexuality we're

gonna get into naming and sexuality in a second i want to mention real quick uh we are going to get into naming and sexuality in a second. I want to mention real quick. We are going to be in Anaheim, California. Yes. At the Now Hear This Festival. We're going to be there with our friends, the Doughboys. You get a discount on a pass if you use the code JJGO. And we hope that you will see you there. That we will see you there. You'll see us.

We'll see you. Everybody's happy. I'm going to be at the Chicago Podcast Festival with Bullseye. And I'm actually going to be doing it with our friends Lady to Lady. Hey. It's going to be a real blast. And my guests on the show are going to be Andre Royo from Empire and The Wire. He's Bubbles from The Wire.

Super fun, cool guy. And Dwayne Kennedy, a past guest on this show. One of the funniest comics in the country, I think. So that's in Chicago in November. And tickets are on sale now, and you can find the link at MaximumFun.org. So I wanted to mention that. Jordan, as you were saying. So, some big video game news coming down the pipe today, guys. Yeah, what's that?

The new Nintendo is coming out next year. A whole new Nintendo. I've heard about this Nintendo Wii. Not your grandma's Nintendo. Oh, really? Is that my grandma's Nintendo? This ain't. My grandma actually had a Sega Master System.

Okay. Yeah, she loves Alex Kidd and the Enchanted Castle. My grandma had a TurboGrafx because she was super into Bonk's adventures. Grandmas love Bonk. So the new Nintendo is called the Switch. And everybody online.

As in what my father's parents would have him go into the backyard and cut. So yes, here's the thing with Switch. I feel it has many connotations. Calling something the Nintendo Switch. That's one for me, too. I never had to cut a Switch, but my mom and dad were both Southern, where that's a thing you do. And whenever I would gripe or grouse or backtalk or sass mouth, they would tell me that I was lucky because their parents made them go out and cut a switch.

So I should count my blessings. Right. I was once electrocuted changing a light switch. So that's. So you think of that. Yeah. And I think of I had a conversation with a dominatrix, which is not while I was being dominated. This was a casual conversation in a group setting.

Group therapy. Group therapy. Jordan goes to BDSM group therapy. Yeah, we meet in a church basement. I'm unhappy. Pow. Sure. We meet in a church basement.

I'm unhappy. Pow. Sure. And she told me that she was what they call in the BDSM community a switch, meaning that she could be a dom or a sub. Oh. So if you want a hard spanking dominatrix, she can do it. If you want a naughty schoolgirl, she does that. A turkey and cheese sub. Sure.

Oh, God, I would love a turkey and cheese sub right about now. She should make one of those. You want an Orange Julius. She can either spank you or make you an incredible sub. Oh, boy. She calls it a hoagie. Why not both? Yeah, right.

It's a regional thing. It's called a a hoagie. Yeah, right. It's a regional thing. It's called a Hulk hoagie? You know, I had heard Hulk bragging about his hoagie, and it turned out to be quite small. Right. Probably because it took steroids, right, and it got all shrunk down. Oh, yeah. No, maybe. It's a good possibility.

I'm sure that's what it is. So I can't separate this Nintendo from the thought of someone who is both a dom and a sub. Hmm. Sub-dom. I watched a very dumb internet commercial for the new Nintendo. Yes, it's a very bad commercial. A dom commercial or a dumb commercial? A dom commercial.

Buy it, you worm. You're scum. Buy this. Fucking nasty asshole. Buy this worm. You're scum. Buy this. Fucking nasty asshole. Buy this Nintendo. The new Nintendo Switch. Lick its boots. Um, I, I, uh, I saw that dumb commercial and I was just, I just thought like, they have

like a billion of dollars. Yeah. Less these days, but they still have a billion of dollars. Yeah. Less these days, but they still have a billion dollars. Why not take 50,000 of it and pay me to be like, nah, guys, that's dumb. Yeah, I think this commercial features,

so I guess the appeal of the Switch, in addition to being both a hard spanking dominatrix and a naughty schoolgirl who needs to be punished, is that you can play it at home like a regular Nintendo, but then you can yank it out and take it on the go. And they show

this... Hit somebody with it. A group. Yeah. You could whack someone over the head or get it stolen. And really be dumb. Yeah, yeah. You can either whack someone the head or get it stolen. And really be dumb. Yeah, yeah. You can either whack someone with it or be whacked with it. Yeah. Yeah. So they just show a bunch of cool millennials out with their switches, you know, going throughout

their day, flying on planes, going on a train. There's a part where a dude is headed to the airport with his nintendo switch and he like sits down in the seating area and like uh a cool chick with fun bleach blonde hair goes like hmm and then you're like oh she's got a switch too yeah i guess they're what does it look like does it look like a very dumb or a telephone yeah so the the the the one you plug into your TV just looks like a Nintendo-type thing, and the one you take with you is like an iPad with handles on the side. And is there a joystick? I've never played Nintendo. So the things on the side are the movement sticks.

But they're like arrow doodads, not like joysticks, right? Yeah, it would be like a thumbstick, probably. Oh, there will be a thumbstick, you think? I think there will be two thumbsticks on either side, yes. I didn't look that close at it. When I was a kid in high school, you held this little thing, which was like a calculator, but you could play football on it. You would watch this little red dot run up the field, and you would move it. That was the extent of the technology.

this little red dot run up the field and you would move it that was the extent of the yeah i remember i remember in middle school i went on a school trip and i never had i bought myself a sega genesis when i was like 13 or 14 with like two years of saved birthday and christmas money but before that i hadn't had any of these doodads. And I remember that one of my classmates had Tiger Electronic Baseball. And it was one of those LED screens. So the ball only went in like six different places. Right. And it just made a noise that was like beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, yeah.

Those noises are so annoying to all those old games. And it was all I cared about in the world. It was everything to me, those six places, and just getting to the point where you could get the timing exactly right to hit a home run every time, like completely obsessed me. Completely obsessed me. I have a – talking about that Switch commercial made me think of a commercial I saw aimed at a similar kind of cool millennial. I saw a Supercuts commercial. And this featured – this is shot from the selfie point of view. This whole commercial looks like it's one cool-ass millennial's Instagram story or Snapchat odyssey. We should explain to Jonathan.

Jonathan's a little bit older than us. We are cool millennials. Sure. So one of the things that we love to do is called a selfie. It's short for self-photograph. Now, what age group is millennials? Like 22 to 32 right now? I mean –

35 is the upper limit. That's how old I am. Yeah, yeah. So you guys – Jordan's – So you're millennials? Yeah. I don't – well, that's a good question.

Boy, I want to know the answer, but I also don't want to look into it or have someone explain it to me. Yeah. In the olden days – And why are you called millennials? Because you came of age in the 21st century? I guess so. What is the millennial? We used to be called Generation Y.

Yeah. But that was deemed lame because it was weird to only describe us in relation to Generation X. What about? I consider myself a child of the Willinium. I consider myself a child of Lil' Romeo, so that's where we differ. Fair. So in this commercial, it's all this gal, and it's kind of a rapid-fire montage of her holding the selfie and going about her day, doing her cool things. Getting some coffee, going to school, seeing friends, hanging out.

And then there's a quick shot of her on a fan boat. And then it goes to her at the mall. Do millennials ride fan boats? Is that a part of being a young tech savvy young person? Riding in a swamp on a fan boat? It's the most baffling. She's not doing any other adventure sports. Jordan, I swear to God right now.

Yeah. If he's watching, may he strike me down. No, don't strike Jonathan down, God. Lord. Whoops. We're sitting so close. God's kind of near sight. Plus, you're wearing that hat.

He was driving. Someone just said I should smoke them. Don't smoke and drive. That's the lesson here. Exactly. Yeah, pull over to the side if you're going to smoke. He was passing a galaxy. I shouldn't say he.

But sincerely, Jordan, do you not have a fan boat? Wow. No, I don't. I've never been on one. So what do you do? Just swim through the swamp? I guess I just don't. I've never been on one. So what do you do? Just swim through the swamp? I guess I just don't go into swamps. What if you want to see gators?

I don't. I want to stay away from them. Yeah. Seen those choppers? Jesus Christ. I mean, they can really munch. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. But I mean, if you're in a fan boat, you're all set.

But then I just stay away from the swamp. It's a non-issue because I'm not near the swamp where the gators are, so I don't need to go in the fan boat. Okay, let me ask you this. If, as you say, you stay away from the swamp, where do you score your blow if not from celebrity chef Paulul prudhomme i'm trying to kick blow that's probably why i'm not going oh i'm in the program now well just so you know if you're ever looking for some real pre-beaten booger sugar then you're gonna want want to look to legendary celebrity Cajun chef Paul Prudhomme. Just go out into the swamp in your fan boat and look around for an Applejack cap. He's got it.

I think they're called airboats. Oh, airboats. Have you been in an airboat or a fan boat? I have been. How was that? Tell us all about it now, please. Well, I went boar hunting in central Florida with my son. boat or a fan boat i have been how was that tell us all about it now please well i went boar hunting oh my gosh in central florida with my son but it was well we let the boar go and i'm

not a hunter myself but i went along and we went at night uh in these swamps with dogs and dogs with like gps collars to track down these wild boar, which may have been brought over by the Spanish in the 1600s. And alligators everywhere, you know. And then, like, we parked the airboat and went running through the woods, like, with the guy tracking the dogs. And then we found it, and it pinned a boar down. And then I held the boar while they took photos and they would have maybe killed it or spirited but we'd let it go and i heard that pigs are very intelligent and that's why they test cosmetics and various other things on pigs because they're most like us i mean we're

pigs you know like that twilight zone episode where you see people with the pig nose. It's like, oh, gross humans. Well, we're just as gross. I mean, we are a piggish species. We're bringing about climate change. I wanted to bring it back to that part of the hard stool. Thank you very much. Anyway, so that was my airboat experience. And you do zip along. And it's not good for the environment.

And the alligators, they're just these ancient, incredible creatures. They must, you know, they're almost, I don't know, like computer programs that are obsolete, but just still around and still quite, you know, I mean, they can eat cows, you know. But anyway, I'm just giving you. Well, don't get us, and if you want to talk about ancient creatures, don't get me started on the coelacanth. Oh, boy. I know a chambered nautilus that you could have a word with. A coelacanth.

It sounds like Hulk Hogan's genitals again. Jonathan, you've really – you've accidentally blundered into a real Jordan Jesse Goh honey hole, which is saying the names of creatures. Oh, yeah. We love it. Don't get us started on the great winged lizards. Oh, yeah, or ice age mammals. If you want to talk, Kate's all quatless. Who doesn't?

Who doesn't want to talk about that? So you were not invigorated by the airboat. Well, I liked it. It was at night. The sky was beautiful. The air. I was with my son. I love dogs.

So a lot of it was fun. And I was glad that I wasn't killing the animal. Though I do eat meat, so I'm a total hypocrite. But I get not wanting to personally watch the life drain from something's eyes. I get that. What caused you to go to Central Florida for a vacation? Disney World. Yeah, sure.

That's where the gators are. That's a sad story. Gators. That's a sad story. I was talking to our off mic last week. I was talking to our buddy Kyle Kinane about he does comedy every year at a music festival in central Florida. Every year it happens. It's called Fest.

I admire the lineup and wish I could go to Fest. It's like a punk rock festival. It's like a punk rock festival. Yeah, it's like punk rock by guys with tattoo's like a punk rock festival. Yeah, it's like a punk rock by guys with tattoo sleeves and beards. That sort of thing. But I cannot bring myself to vacation in Central Florida. I can't buy that plane ticket.

But maybe I should. Maybe it's beautiful. There's parts that are quite nice. Where are you from originally? Orange County. I'm from Southern California. So this is home for you. Yeah, there's parts that are quite nice. Where are you from originally? Orange County. I'm from Southern California. So this is home for you. Yeah, yeah. I don't, you know, not good in swamps.

Really? Not good in swamps. I would have really, I would have picked you for a swamp man. I know. No, you're a desert person. Exactly, yeah. You grew up in the desert. Yeah, that's why I'm, yeah, so at home in wastelands, badlands.

Is that why you're wearing that coyote belt? Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, yeah, it's why I'm, yeah, so at home in wastelands, badlands. Is that why you're wearing that coyote belt? Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, yeah, it's my totem. Dude, I was driving home from work the other day, just pulling into my driveway, two giant fucking coyotes. Yeah. Like, you know how coyotes are always a little smaller than you expect them to be when you're actually right up close to them? always a little smaller than you expect them to be when you're actually right up close to them. These were fucking full-sized-ass coyotes just trotting around by my car.

They do trot, don't they? That is how they— Yeah, they're real trotters. Yeah. I saw one on a ridge, like, as the sun was going down, just its silhouette, like a Clint Eastwood movie or something. Yeah, I mean, that's like a full-on, that's some, like, turquoise jewelry shit. I guess it's, I like seeing them. I think it helps that I... I should make a T-shirt.

Yeah, the big moon in the background. Maybe just a dreamcatcher floating. I like seeing them around. I think part of it is because I haven't lost a pet to them. Right. I think if one had devoured a beloved pet, I probably would not like them. But I always, I don't know, I just like seeing them.

And, you know, you get that kind of nature finds a way feeling when you see them. Does anyone know if, like, someone got a coyote puppy and raised it? You know what I mean? It got separated from its mother. Oh, yeah. If you could domesticate it yeah I watched

something that I will do when I don't want to watch anything of consequence and don't have any Simpsons episodes from seasons 1 to 10 that I have not seen recently, is just watch dog documentaries on Netflix.

And I watched one. And I've gotten, at this point, there are some pretty good PBS ones. I didn't know that was a genre, dog docs. Yeah, dog docs. Absolutely. If I was anything with dogs, Docs. Yeah, Dog Docs. Absolutely. Anything with dogs, I've often thought,

I used to think this, that if you put the word dog in the title of your book, you have a good chance of being a bestseller. Yeah. A lot of books with the word dog in the title do well.

Yeah, I mean, we talked about how multiple members of the Icelandic art rock band Sigur Rós produced a talking dog movie for money. And it was very successful for them. Yeah, I'll watch a hero dog documentary. Because a real nature documentary my wife finds upsetting.

Okay, because she doesn't like how cruel nature is? Yeah, exactly. She wants all the creatures to get along. Gotcha, yeah. Which I can understand. Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't like it? Who wouldn't like it if a wildebeest and a lion became friends?

That would be pretty cool. Truth is, they're mortal enemies. Yeah. Do you have a dog? I got two dogs and you watch documentaries on top of it yeah absolutely it's like i'm dog crazy do the dogs ever get in the way of the tv and you have to shove them aside so you can see the tv i want to watch i want learning about dogs get away from me guys somebody called k911 i'm dog crazy. Okay? But yeah, I want to say

foxes within a couple generations you can bring to like there was an experiment where people, where they bred for docility foxes that were in some kind of Siberian

fur farm or something and they learned that you can breed those to docility. But I know like wolves, you cannot breed to docility. Like you can get relative domestication.

Like you can get them to be less likely to flip out and murder you. But they will occasionally flip out and murder you, but they will occasionally flip out and murder you. Sure, yeah. It's like the raising the chimp. Yeah. It'll, like, it might just... I hate that story. The one in Connecticut. Let's not talk about it.

Let's not. You brought it up. And you know what? I was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. Yeah. So I... Something that i am noticing more and more lately is i'm trying to take stock of this is when when i am alone in my house what i have said to the cat and the other day i was just getting ready for work and just the local news was on and they were doing a story about mountain lions.

And the cat was just laying down in front of the TV, and I said to her, see, this show's about kitties. What the fuck? Why did the cat need to know that? Maybe you should practice talking to your Echo instead of the cat. Oh, my Amazon Echo? Alexa, this show's about kitties. your Echo instead of the chat. Oh, my Amazon Echo? Alexa, this show's about kitties.

Alexa, play Huey Lewis and the News sports. Sorry. I just sometimes like to have our listeners who might be listening to Jordan Jesse go around the house. I like for their Amazon Echoes to play

the Huey Lewis and the News album sports. Alexa? Oh, that album sports. Alexa. Oh, that's funny. Alexa, what's the five-day forecast for Carlsbad, California? There you go. And so they're getting that now if they're listening near there, Echoes. Yeah, cool. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if this is the ace. I don't know if I'm just noticing this now or if I'm starting to do it because of some sort of creeping madness. Alexa, play Rich Girl by Holland Oates. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. You're welcome, Amazon Echo owners. You're welcome. That's a fucking tasty jam.

You know what Alexa will probably do? And I learned this when I asked it to play the Fleetwood Mac song Tusk recently is that it'll sometimes pick out like a live version or an alternate take. It won't, I think maybe just, you know, by virtue of how they do business, they don't want to play the version you know. They want to play some sort of live version or something. I don't know how that affects the business,

but I, you know, kind of sort of makes sense. But sometimes that's a treat. Alexa, play Getting Jiggy With It by Kidz Bop. Yeah, play the Kidz Bop version without all those swears. Having fun with people's Alexas, you know? Yeah. Jonathan, do you want to tell the listeners' Alexas to do something? I can't. No, do you want to tell the listeners' Alexis to do something? I'm sorry.

I can't. No, that's okay. Alexa, buy Blunt Talk on iTunes. Yeah, that's a nice one. I didn't know about Alexa. I know about Siri. Alexa lives inside of an Amazon Echo. What's an Amazon Echo?

It's like a little speaker that has a Siri inside of it, but it's called Alexa. Yeah. And do you have one? No, I don't own one. I don't believe in technology. I don't even have a television. I just watch documentaries on Netflix. Sure.

On a television. Yeah. But I don't consider that television. Yeah. I have Amazon. What kind of dogs do you have? Dogs that would pick a fight with and lose to a coyote. But are they—

They're like terrier-chihuahua mixes. But are they cuddly? Like, do you roll around with them? One of them is an obsessive licker and hyper-affectionate. And one of them is a little more cozy. But, yeah, I do like to cuddle with them a lot they're big cuddlers that's nice john are you a pet guy um i i have a nice relationship with the dog right now whom i'm mad about and she just gives me so much love she's a pit bull mix.

I think mostly pit bull, but she kind of looks like a boxer, and she just loves to lick my face. I let her go at my mouth as much as she wants. One time I did yawn, and her tongue went deep down my throat. I happened to yawn as she was going in, and then the other day I tasted something fruity. I think she had been licking her anus. It was a fruity fecal thing.

The most part, I'm like, oh, this is probably good for me, her licking me. I don't know. It's a salve of some kind if I was a caveman. And the dog was licking you. And she cleans my eyes. But I love dogs. One of the big themes on Blunt Talk, I don't know if you've seen any episodes of Blunt Talk that have this, Jordan. But one of my favorite things about the show is that Patrick Stewart's character on the show has an air mattress in his office.

So when he's upset, he brings his senior producer in to spoon him on it. Just upset about anything. Yeah, it's great. It really makes me wish that I had someone, I had both an air mattress and just someone around here that I trusted enough to spoon me for comfort. Oh, yeah, you need a Smithers. Yeah, I need a real, I definitely need a Smithers. You gotta get a Smithers. Anyway.

Gotta get a Smithers. Back. Gotta get a Smithers. Back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. And we host the first podcast ever made, My Brother, My Brother Day. Every Monday, we put out the first ever advice comedy podcast ever.

They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls We're the Hammurabi Code of Podcasts And we're ready to entertain you with jokes So we invented the first jokes So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org You'll never crack our code Dan Brown Just try me It's history in the making

And in the faking And it's all yours for the taking. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Ames, Peter Pan sexual. You know, when something momentous happens to you, like author and television writer Jonathan Ames crushes a home run in your softball game at MaxFunCon, we ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The number to call is 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN.

The best thing to do, put that in your telephone right now. Let's go to the tape and our first telephone call of the week. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Benjo from Queens. I was on the subway the other day, and a 40-year-old guy

was looking a little out of it. He got on the subway. He went to go sit down. He saw a classy-looking 50-year-old woman. He asked her if she wanted a seat. She said, no thanks, but it's nice that chivalry isn't dead. He looked a little confused and said, what? And she said again, oh, it's nice

chivalry isn't dead. He then looked horrified and blurtts out, Sugar Ray is dead? I was just listening to them earlier today. Oh, boy. Wow. So maybe, I mean, this is like, I mean, maybe if you play Fly Backwards, you hear the secret message, Sugar Ray is dead. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Do you think I might have inadvertently killed Sugar Ray when I was trying to foment that rivalry between the Sugar Ray totally 90s cruise and the Max Fun Cruise Boat Party dot biz?

I mean, I don't know when he died. He, I mean, Sugar Ray is one of those bands. It's like you call it Sugar Ray, but it's Mark McGrath. He's the heart and the soul of that opera. Like John Darnielle in Mountain Ghost. Sure, exactly. There's a rotating group of players. I apologize if anyone has like strong feelings about the drummer of Sugar Ray being great.

And I'm lessening his contribution to the band. Sugar Ray being great and I'm lessening his contribution to the band. It would be awesome if like the entire, like how the drummer of Blink-182 is so highly regarded. Like if the entire band of Sugar Ray was like hyper virtuosic. Sure. It was like a Steely Dan situation where everybody was, you know, doing like contrapuntal shit and fucking jazz time signatures or whatever. Right. I'm not a musician, Jordan. All those tracked.

But then Mark McGrath is out there going, I just want to play. Right, right. But they're doing some really interesting stuff with like augmented ninths. I am almost rapping, but I'm not quite rapping. I'm not to tell tales out of school, and I could be getting this wrong. But you were in LFO for a while. I was in LFO.

I talked to our buddy Greg Barrett, and in his band, there are members of Smash Mouth. Oh. And he will tell you that Smash Mouth, the band, is very competent. Maybe like in spite of their bad lead singer. You know what I like? Hmm.

Greg Barron's band. Oh, yeah. You know, Greg Barron, for such a funny and talented comedian with such a quixotic dream of being a professional musician, really his band's music is a ton of fun. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Big fan. Yeah. usually you think like oh comedians band there's i mean what what do you want to listen to less yeah yeah they're great yeah i mean there's no question that that's not what he should be doing with his time i mean he's a brilliant genius of comedy uh and but, his band really is a ton of fun. Totally. Um, should we take another call? Yes.

Okay, here we go. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Christian from Pittsburgh. My momentous occasion is last week I bought my very first house, which I guess makes me an adult. So I bought 12,000 balls and converted one of the rooms into a ball pit because I'm a fucking adult. Garabba. Ball pit house, huh? I wonder... What kind of...

There's these fucking cities. Is that a room you jump in and you roll around in the balls? Yeah, I think so. Like at a children's... That's what I'm... Yeah. You know, like those places.

Like at a Chuck E. Cheese or something. Yeah. That's what I'm imagining. But the front door of it, though, would be hard to get in. All the balls would come rolling out. Oh, that's a great – I guess I'm maybe if it's a step down or something, if it's a conversation pit, you could fill that with balls. Well, yeah, but still, I don't know. You said a whole room.

Yeah. I imagine them going right to the ceiling. Anyway, Jesse, I don't i um you should say something i i am a pretty obsessed with a vague memory of a time i watched american pickers and they were in detroit and there was this guy who had bought an entire blocks worth of houses and built a train that he could ride on between them. Oh, yeah, just because a house in Detroit costs $1,000. And, like, obviously, I have to live in Los Angeles, you know? Like, I'm on the periphery of show business,

and my work requires that I be here in the locus thereof, you know? My work requires that I be here in the locus thereof, you know. But fuck if the idea of buying a block's worth of houses in Flint, Michigan and building a train that runs between them that I can ride on top of does not appeal to me so much. I get that. Like a fucking Wayne coin from the Flaming Lips and some kind of weird fucking complex, you know. It's just totally built out of firecrackers or something. Peacock feathers. I am remembering a thing a couple months ago. Someone had started a pop-up ball pit bar.

And this sounds like the most dangerous bad idea in history. Like, if someone drops a pint glass and then you and your fucking dumb buddies jump from the, you know, wherever from the bar into the ball pit, you're gonna get a face full of pint glass that's been in there. How much do you think it costs to buy

12,000 balls? Brian is looking it up right now. Okay, let's all guess. What kind of balls? Just like ball pit balls. Yeah, that was up right now. Okay, let's all guess. What kind of balls? Just like ball pit balls. That was what I was wondering. Those plastic hollow plastic balls. I mean, they're voluminous. What if you got

a room full of nice kick balls that you had as a kid? That would be fun. That would be fun. Smell all of those. I'd like to be dropped in one of those. God, that would be so fucking rad. That would be some really high quality off-guest. It could be scary if you fell through the balls and then had to crawl out.

Or if you got stuck because they're pretty tacky. Oh, my God. And you could suffocate. I have a fear of smothering. Yeah. I don't like to be smothered. I like to be covered with cheese and onions and gravy. Got it.

I flashed to you and the Hulk. It was something fun we did. We did hash brown play. It was a kink that we had. I think 12,000 ball pit balls and I was wondering how you would search for that. I guess you just type in ball pit

ball and the Google will help you. Yeah, I think so. I think they cost, 12,000 of them costs 900 bucks. $900 for 12,000 balls. Yeah. What if it was a room of gumballs? Fuck, that would be great. But it was like 40,000 and you were dropped the middle, and you were suffocating, but

you could sort of chew your way out. It was like some weird Mission Impossible death. Like, okay, let's leave them in the gumballs. They'll never survive. This is why Jonathan Ames gets premium cable shows, Jordan. Yeah. And all we get is a canceled show on IFC. I'm going to say 12,000 balls.

I'm going to say $500. Okay. Whoa. I think that most of the cost is going to be transportation. Mm-hmm. But I'm going to say $500 shipped to your door. Can you goog that? Yeah, Brian's googing it right now.

He's a professional. Wait, wait, wait. Jonathan hasn't guessed. Jonathan, how much money do you think? And remember, it's all right now. $12,000 and this is kind of balls that Chuck E. Cheese might buy. Yeah, exactly.

Those toxic things that probably end up in a whale snout in a beach. Snout balls, yeah. Somehow a coelacanth is eating them. Yeah, beautiful floating brains in our oceans being tortured by our boats churning making their sounds.

I would say I think 12,000 if every ball was 10 cents, which would be cheap Giant squid, yes. I think $12,000... If every ball was $0.10, which would be cheap, $12,000 times $0.10, I think that's like $1,200. I could be wrong. I'm not very good at math. Yeah, you're wrong.

I'm going to... It would be $120, I think. Oh, shit. Well, anyway... Oh, really? Damn it. Well, then, yeah. I don't know. $600 then. $600? Oh, really? Damn it. Oh, then, yeah. I don't know.

$600 then. $600? Oh, your fucking price is riding me. It's closest without going over? No, it's just closest, but he's fucking... Well, $12,000, that would be a nickel a ball, right? $600? I'm so bad at math.

No, me too. That would be a nickel a ball, yeah. I think you're dead on there. But I think it would be insensible. Whatever, $600. Okay, Brian. Brian Fernandez, our producer, getting on the talkback machine here. If you buy one Amazon, it's $50 for 400 of them.

So it's about $1,500. $1,500 shipped. I was right when I said $1,200, and then you said my math was wrong. It would be $120. I lost my nerve, so I cut it in half. I was right with the initial $1,200. Do I get a prize? Yeah.

You get all those balls. They will be at your house when you go home. What did you say? I said $900. I was right with my $1,200, and you threw me. That's all right, Jesse. You're so nice. We're going to send them to and bill them to

the stars network Brian what are those called what is their proper name just ball pit balls toxic plastic balls I don't know why I thought they would have a special name Hulk Hogan might have had those

because his own balls got so shrunk he might have had those sewn in we'll never so shrunk. He might have had those sewn in. Yeah, I got balls. We'll never know. I got balls. They used to do that to dogs at one point when they would castrate them. Oh, yeah, nudicles. Yeah, they'd put balls in because it helped them to still see that they had balls. Yeah.

Something like that. Dogs love having balls. There's one thing I know about dogs. So do princesses and princesses. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Everybody loves balls. They have problems with blood disorders, though.

Hemophilia and stuff. Princesses or princesses? Both princesses and princesses. Royalty. Oh, because of inbreeding? Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Jonathan Ames, Peter Pan sexual. Okay. Here's some, I'm going to give the audience some real talk. And I'm unshackled right now.

Okay. Wow. Shit, you. I'm fully fucking unshackled. You don't have Rince Priebus breathing down your neck. Paul Ryan let you go. My therapist retired last week, so I'm fucking running wild. My shit is cured.

I'm more powerful than ever. The therapist cannot retire until they've cured everyone. Yeah, I presume so. He didn't give me a certificate, although I asked for one. Cured. For future employers and stuff. What was I going to say? You're unshackled.

Yeah. You told Paul Ryan to go fuck himself. I did. You told that weightlifting college boy. Oh, I was going to give the audience some real talk. Yeah. Do you get the Stars Network audience? If you don't get the Stars Network, sign up for that shit.

You're going to love this show, Blunt Talk, on the Stars Network, sign up for that shit. You're going to love the show Blunt Talk on the Stars Network. It's fucking hilarious. Patrick Stewart is in it. He's hilarious. I bet at some point John Hodgman's going to be in it. That'll be great. In fact, John Hodgman was in season one. He was.

He was. He had a little guest appearance on season one. Fucking Jason Schwartzman was in there. That was great. It's genuinely bizarre. You can't believe it's a real television show while you're watching it in a good way. You're like, wow, he's allowed to do this on television. And I'll tell you why that is.

It's because I think there are a lot of weird shows on TV, mostly like adult swimmy type weird shows. And those shows tend to be kind of random weirdness, sort of self-satisfied random weirdness or a kind of like a cynical weirdness, like a gross cynical weirdness. And what I love about, uh, what I love about blunt talk that I also loved about Jonathan's previous show, uh, bored to death on HBO is that really,

it feels like the weirdness of the characters, the various strange sexual obsessions and bizarre personal characteristics, which are possessed of every single one of these characters, has a couple of very odd and specific things about them. They're treated so caringly and lovingly that it feels like the theme is less like, ah, here's some weird stuff, and more like we are all weird and we love each other. Like we can still love each other even though everyone is weird in some way. You know, none of us is not weird.

And I really love that. And also it's super fucking funny. Super funny. I mean, I just really like Patrick Stewart and his manservant with a giant dick who's always sneaking up on him and attacking him. It's just a joy to watch that program. So that's my full-on endorsement of Jonathan's show. I really – my wife and I, Teresa also loves it. We love looking – we look forward to watching it every week.

Can you get the – if you don't have Starz, can you get season one on iTunes or something at this point? I think you can get it on Amazon. The Starz app is on Amazon or Amazon Prime or something like that. So I think you can watch season one and season two if you watch TV through Amazon. I got the CISO app on there so that we could watch Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher's show and Jonah Ray's show. Those CISO, those Amazon add-on apps work great.

Yeah, I figured it's a fun way to watch streaming television. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne for Amazon add-on apps. A fun way to watch streaming television. Thank you, Jesse, for what you said though. Oh, you're welcome. I mean it very sincerely. I you said, though. I appreciate it. Oh, you're welcome. I mean it very sincerely.

I really love the show. I think it's wonderful that you get to make TV shows. I mean, I would also think it was great if you were writing books right now. I also love your books. That could happen, you know, I don't know how much longer. At the drop of a hat. I appreciate that you like it now. Well, let's be honest.

If blunt talk goes the way of the dodo, there's no doubt that you'll be staffing. Well, let's be honest. If Blunt Talk goes the way of the Dodo, there's no doubt that you'll be staffing up on Kevin Can Wait next season. Get me Ames, Kevin James will say. You got anything to say, Jordan,

while we're closing up this show? Oh, yeah. I got a TV rec. Once you're done with all your Blunt Talk eps, I'm going to be on at midnight this week on Comedy Central on the show October 27th. That's Thursday night. So, yeah, you can set the old DVR for that. Hey, if you haven't watched in a while, the show is no longer on at midnight, which is confusing.

We know. Stop. You're not the first one to observe that the time change is an issue. We know. So it's on at 1130 now. It's a lot of fun. I'm going to be on there with Lauren Lapkus and Chris Garcia. It should be a hoot.

You should DVR that or get the old Comedy Central app or the Hulu or something. I'm going to go out to that taping. You might, if you're lucky, you might see my chrome dome in a crowd shot. Yeah. You got to see those chrome dome crowd shots. That camera might swoop over my bald spot. Yeah. By bald spot, I mean the entire top of my head.

Yeah. If you're in the LA area, you should come see it. It shoots Wednesday night, the 26th, if you're listening to this early. It's a lot of fun. It's not like a nine-hour TV taping where they do a ton of alts. It's just kind of like a fun comedy show. Yeah, it's a total blast. I've been several times, and every time I go, I'm like, man, that was actually really fun.

Now, part of that is because I get those cherry clans backstage. Got to get those clans. Ooh, yeah. And if you're just coming. Stuff your mouth full of clans backstage. Gotta get those clans. Ooh, yeah. And if you're just coming... Stuff your mouth full of clans. If you're just coming, you know,

for whatever, bad news is you're not getting any clans. Yeah. I get the cherry clans because I'm a VIP. Sure. That's a VIP item.

But, you know, even if you're just a P, a lowly P... B-Y-O-C-C. Yes. B-Y-O Yes Bring your own cherry clams Stuff them way down in your little pockets Make them all nice and hot against your thigh

Snack on them while you're watching the show Jonathan Ames You're on Twitter You've been tweeting a little more lately Like a dying fish Watch Blunt talk. Put me back in the water. Someone hit him with a hammer.

Is it at Jonathan Ames? Yeah, I think that's my thing. Yeah, probably so. Brian has confirmed it. I stink at Twitter. Brian's your social media consultant. And then I deleted Twitter because I got upset like four or five years ago and lost all these followers. Was someone being a dick to you?

No, I just was like, I'm just not good at social media. So it was very hard to quit Facebook because they hold on. You know when you call an insurance company nine, ten times, they're like, okay, that person will quit. We don't have to give them the money. So it took forever to quit Facebook because they need the numbers. So I had to get some tech guy to somehow delete my Facebook. To wipe you, to ghost you. Yeah.

Hmm. Hmm. Anyway, but, you know, I tweet and I appreciate what you said about Bluntalk. Very kind of you, Jesse. It's a great show, people. So watch it on television. We have an incredible cast, though. So many funny people.

A lot of local L.A. actors. Just really wonderful. I like that guy's name. I don't know who plays the sex act guy that lives in Patrick Stewart's office. Eric Griffin. Yeah, that guy's a delight. He's really funny. He's a great actor and comedian.

We have Tim Sharp, Dolly Wells a delight. He's really funny. He's a great actor and comedian. We have Tim Sharp, Dolly Wells, Mary Holland, Adrian Scarborough. People should find out who these people are. Try IMDB.com. Karen Soni. I mean, just such an incredible. And then this year we have Fred Armisen will be a guest star. Jason Schwartzman, Stacy Keach, Les Lesley Ann Warren, Mary Steenburgen.

Some real classic bombshells. Murderers. Moby. Moby came back. Moby. Moby's like a regular on the show. Cool. He just pops up and he's like, hey, guys, it's me, Moby.

Remember how fun I am? Yeah, I am. Brian Baumgardner from The Office has a cameo. The Baumgardner. The Office has a cameo. The Baumgardner. Blind Talk's fantastic. And if you are like, what would it be like if somebody really interviewed Jonathan Ames? Jonathan was on Bullseye a couple years ago. I think we're going to rerun that in a week or so.

So go grab that on Bullseye if you're listening to this then. Our producer on Jordan J.C. Goh laughing probably too loud on the other side of the glass there, Sonny D, Brian Fernandez. We are on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. We are on Facebook. You can like Jordan Jesse Go there. You can join the Maximum Fun Facebook group.

You can tweet with the hashtag JJGo. A lot of fun, JJGo. I always like seeing what people are saying about it. It's a hoot. Join the fun. Join the conversation. Use hashtag JJGo. We all have a blast.

You know, a lot of people say this, Jordan. A lot of people say that Twitter is a haven for racists, misogynists, and homophobes. Sure, I've heard that. I haven't had any problem with that, and I don't know why that is. I've heard that. I haven't had any problem with that, and I don't know why that is. But no one has ever attacked me with a racist, homophobic, or misogynist attack on Twitter. I can't explain it.

I guess I'm just better at using Twitter than all these people who are getting attacked. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Sure. And, Blaine, you only look at Twitter. You open up the app. Right. You don't look at anything. You immediately go to hashtag JJGo. Right. And that's what you consider look at Twitter. You open up the app. Right. You don't look at anything. You immediately go to hashtag JJ Go.

Right. And that's what you consider to be Twitter. I go to hashtag JJ Go or if Bay Bay's Kids is airing on television, I go to Moments. Sure. Because that's usually a top moment. Yeah, yeah. Bay Bay's Kids. You run right to BET. Catch the remaining 20 minutes of Bay Bay's Kids.

Right. Back to hashtag JJGo. You got it. Right to bed. Yeah, well, I look at some Steve Harvey gifs. Oh, yeah, he cannot believe some of the things those guys say. Yeah, well, people say, I don't know, I mean, sometimes on Family Feud people say something kind of sexy. Steve Harvey is not sure how he feels about that.

Oh, boy, he didn't see that coming. Even though the question was, name something that goes in a butt. When someone says penis, you can't believe they said that. What? Yeah. He thought they were going to say cell phone in prison. There was one where, you know how sometimes in Family Feud it'll give you kind of two answers? It'll say like hair slash head can i it just interject real quick just to clarify i think steve harvey's

really funny harvey's great and that that shtick of i can't fucking believe it's great every time yes i agree and you know why it's a great it's a fucking great gif you know why you see those gifs because they're rad it's fucking rad it's really good yes it's a fucking great gif. You know why you see those gifs? Because they're rad. It's fucking rad. It's really good. Yes. Not a put down to Steve Harvey. Although you should know. It's fine. He's a performer.

Right. You know how they'll do like hair slash head if something can kind of go two ways? Right. It'll be like pants slash trousers. Uh-huh. There was one where the question was like, oh, name an attractive part of a woman. And someone said boobs. And the thing said, when it turned over, said breasts slash gazongas.

Like, those are the two most common ways to. They're like, well, sure, someone might say breasts. Someone's going to say breasts. But what if they say gazongas? Count? They're like, yeah, it should count. Because we know they mean, we know when they say gazongas, they mean bazookas. Okay.

Jonathan Ames has been our guest. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.