Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 453: The Golden Ticket with Sarah Morgan

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Sarah Morgan joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan and Sarah's trip to Halloween Horror Nights, Jesse's experience taking Simon Trick or Treating, and Jordan's obsession with the video game Bloodborne.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You look happy tonight, Jordan. Well, I, uh, yeah, I've got a little secret. Oh, really? Daddy's little secret?

Yeah, Daddy's got a little secret. Oh, really? Daddy's little secret? Yeah, Daddy's got a little secret. A little itch downstairs? Probably where the eye twinkle's coming from. Got it. Are you a father? Maybe I'll reveal it by the end of the episode. Maybe I won't. Wow, that's quite a tease.

Yeah, that's how I like to do it. I had no idea. Yeah. It's called an actor's secret. What is it called? An actor's idea. Yeah. It's called an actor's secret. What is it called? An actor's secret. Okay. I mean, I consider this show a performance.

Right. Who I am on this show is not really who I am in real life. This is a character. You're inhabiting a character. Yeah. You're making choices. Acting is choices. Well, and it's having a secret.

An actor's secret. Got it. And Daddy's got one. And it's an itch downtown? I'm not going to say whether or not it's a downtown itch, which is what you get when you have sex with downtown Julie Brown. Should have worn a wubba wubba wubba. Hard to say what that means. What do you think

downtown Julie Brown's up to? I mean, you got to figure conservative commentator, right? Yeah, following in Kennedy's footsteps. Yeah, I mean, working on the game show network sometimes.

Yeah, that tracks. Why do I only know what Kennedy is up to? Well, because I think that's the most noteworthy. So former VJ Kennedy that Jesse and I grew up Well, because I think that's the most noteworthy. So former VJ Kennedy that Jesse and I grew up with and I presume both had

some early sexual feelings toward because of glasses. Yes. We, I think... I also can let you know what Lisa Loeb is up to. Sure. So I think that her flip from cool VJ who, you know, at 12 or 13 is the girl of your dreams to, you know, AM radio conservative commentator. That's a big flip. Yeah. So I think that, you know, I'm sure Dan Cortez is doing fine on himself for doing fine for himself hosting a, know show on you know i don't know like some

sort of travel show where he tastes barbecue i think that being an mtv vj a position in which no longer exists hey i watched mtv music yeah that should be punishable by death if someone honestly says that to you in a conversation. They should die. I'm not for the death penalty except in that case. I think that being an MTV VJ is the job in the history of mankind and perhaps Vinestar is – R.I.P. Yeah.

We've killed all theI.P. Yeah. We've killed all the Vine stars. Yeah. In honor of the closing of Vine. So we should actually let people know about our schedule a little bit. We're recording this a couple days in advance of when it's going to come out. So between now and when this comes out, we will have murdered all Vine stars. Yeah. And everybody, Lil Poopy.

Digital Sean. That cute guy who falls. Yeah. That slightly racist guy. Lola Comedy Num Num. And Susie Sheboygan. 69. Did you read?

There's an article in the... Okay, I'll tell you what I was going to say. I hope none of those are actual Vine stars because then what I said would count as a threat. I want to say that an MTV VJ, that is like the most important you can be to a set of people. you can be to a set of people as without having any art or content while also being meaningless to everyone else. Sure. Like someone that is literally four years, we're one year apart in age. Someone who is four years older than us or four years younger than us

the people that are the most important personalities of our childhood completely meaningless sure just three four years and also why is kennedy the most important person in our childhood what did she do she just said the names of the videos that were coming up. Right. Well, Anne was nice and pretty and seemed cool. And she had those glasses. Had those glasses. Yeah.

And now isn't nuts about immigrants. But, I mean, I think you were right with the Vine Star analogy. I mean, I think that there's a set of those people that are not on MTV anymore because, as we said before, MTV doesn't even play music anymore. I don't even have a television. What does the M stand for? I don't even have a television. What does the M stand for?

I just watch documentaries on Netflix. We all love documentaries on Netflix. We all love them. It's the best thing to watch. Have you seen documentaries on Netflix? If there's one thing I love more than watching them, it's talking about them to someone who doesn't care. So I think you were right is that there are a set of those people, but they are, I think, Vine people. I think YouTube people.

I think specifically over Hyper Goober who yammers over video game. Oh, yeah. That is truly amazing. I think that there are kids growing up now who have favorite Goobers who yammer over video games who will be – who they will remember their whole lives and when they become 30-year-olds with podcasts will reminisce endlessly about the goobers they liked who yammered over video games. Are there 51-year-olds right now, this very moment, having conversations on FM radio about goobers who yammer on podcasts. I hope so. I hope this cycle never ends of yammering people your age about things you remember from high school. Let's introduce our guest.

I'd love to. She doesn't know who Kennedy is. She doesn't know. She doesn't care. All she watches is fucking a show about gardening on the BBC whatever. It's called The Great British Bake Off. Okay. She is the head writer of International Waters, Maximum Fun's own comedy game show.

She's a charming and beloved Jordan Jesse Go guest. She's here all the way from London. That's in England. Sarah Morgan. Hello. Hi, Sarah. Hi. Ahoy hoy.

Did you have... No, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So you don't know about any... So let me ask you, did you have music video introducing attractive people that were important to you in your youth? Okay. So I'm older than both of you, which doesn't help this conversation. And we did have MTV. And I do – but no, everything else you're saying is just words.

What's the name of the – Kennedy was the guy that got shot on a grassy knoll. Sure, yeah. what's the name what's the name of Kennedy was the guy that got shot on a grumpy knoll sure yeah what's the name of a nice man who's a comedian he's a British comedian he was on my show

he was on Bullseye this was like maybe three years ago his name is probably Simon he's thin and wears glasses oh Amstel

Simon Amstel Simon Amstel so he was he was an MTV presenter like I watched his comedy special and i really enjoyed it i thought it was very funny um but he was like a kennedy-like figure as far as i could tell everything he when he would relate a remark about the time that he spent talking to musicians on television he related it as though he was tired.

He was tired because it was so important to me. Like I had exhausted him because it was so important to me, this anecdote that he was sharing to me about a British television show where he talked to, that's all or whatever, that's all, exclamation mark. Yeah, that's all, but our most beloved boy band, that's all. Yeah, sure. With all or whatever. That's all, exclamation mark. Yeah, that's all. Our most beloved boy band, That's All. Yeah. Sure. With all the hits.

I mean, they had all, there's the funny one in That's All, the cute one. The mop top. The bad boy. Scary, That's All. Yeah. Sporty, That's All. Ginger, That's All. And Ramone, Ramone, That's All.

Who is the person- And Sque's all. Who is the person... And Squeaky from. Who is the person in your childhood, who is the person in 1989 or 1991 who is the most emotionally important to you for having done the least? That's a really weird question because nearly all of our VJs and DJs

just got U-tree'd. So all of our... Wait, what did DJs just got U-tree'd. So all of our – Wait, what did they get? Operation U-tree. Is that where they're all pederasts? That's the one where it turns out everyone that was ever on television ever in the 70s and 80s turned out to have done bad things and is now in prison.

We were arguing about this on At Midnight today. We wanted to do some jokes about Zayn. You guys are familiar with Zayn. Yeah, sure, from 1D. From 1D. Zayn from 1D, now a solo artist. You've taken the erection of their name. That's great.

I mean, you still got the D though, right? Yeah. It's a soft D in this case. Yeah. I mean, when you talk about 1D as much as... You got to thumb it in. That's the direction. In, inward.

When you talk about 1D as much as Jesse and I do, it helps to shorten it. It just saves time. Yeah. We've only got 90 minutes. I actually did the math the other day. My life would be 14 days shorter if I said One Direction every time I was talking about 1D. And in fact, I feel guilty about having said 1D in the long form just now.

Sure. I feel like I'm throwing my life away. I could have been with my children. Who is your favorite 1D? Is it Ginger or is it Squeaky Fromm? I mean, I would say my favorite 1D is probably Donnie. Oh, sure.

You had to like Donnie. He was the one who stabbed Sharon Tate, right? That's the one. Donnie Wahlberg killed Sharon Tate. You heard it here first. Yeah. Oh, gosh. So Zayn wrote a book.

Right. And we were talking about how to properly joke about it because people – because it was all the rage on Twitter. It was the only non-election thing people were talking about on Twitter for a period. Hashtag Zayn book. Right. thing people were talking about on Twitter for a period. Hashtag Zane book. Right. And people were talking about their favorite parts of Zane book. A lot of people really loved the chapter where he talks about how much he respects women.

He has a chapter devoted to how much he respects women. Well, if I wrote a book, it would have two chapters dedicated to how much I respect women. That's weird. You're welcome, Sarah. I appreciate it. Yeah. So we were talking about this. Okay, so we don't know that much about Zayn, but we do know how to generally joke about boy bands.

But is there a satisfying joke you can make about a boy band that does not include they were fingered by their manager? And I don't think so i don't know if you're just so it's a it's a minefield making jokes about the boy band so anyway yeah i mean it's it's it's wonderful that there is a prominent muslim member of a boy band i think i'm pretty sure zayn is from a muslim background which is kind of awesome, but that's literally all I know about him. Yeah, I mean, I would prefer if he stayed in his own country. Sure.

But I don't mind the song and dance, you know? The old soft chew. Sure. Sure. Melts the heart. Yeah. You know, it's interesting we talk. One of my favorite things to complain about

is hyperactive goobers who yammer over video games. Right. But I am so into a video game right now that I have watched a few videos of hyperactive goobers yammering over it because I wanted to see the part of the game they were yammering over. Can I guess what the video game is? Sure. Give me three guesses, okay? Yeah, I'll give you three guesses. Bulls versus Blazers in the NBA playoffs. Nah, man. I beat three guesses. Bulls versus Blazers in the NBA playoffs.

Nah, man, I beat that already. Lakers versus Celtics in the NBA playoffs. Getting warmer. Granny's Garden for the BBC Commodore. Gotta go old school. Gotta play that BBC Commodore. No, I am into this game called Bloodborne, and it is a spooky axe game.

It's a spooky game about HIV. Yeah, that's right. The year, 1983. You are a flight attendant. Fuck a monkey. It's very realistic. It is not fun. It's the first game where you get to play a monkey fucking flight attendant.

So this is a spooky game set in a Lovecraftian dystopia. You got to kill guys and collect blood echoes. You got to get runes. You got to put them on your weapon. So you get the runes and you put them straight onto your weapon? Well, after you get the rune workshop tool. You get that from killing... Who do you kill to get

the rune workshop tool? You kill a witch. Can I guess? Yeah. Ty Domi of the New York Rangers. That's him. He's been possessed. Kevin Duckworth. No, I already said it was the first guy. One of the dragons off Granny's Garden. But yeah, I am into this game like I have not been into a video game in a long time. And it's one of those where I think about it while I'm at work.

And then after I'm done playing it, I want to watch a video about it. I think regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners will remember the period of time where I was obsessed with the video game Skyrim. I have not played, I've not purchased a video game since Skyrim because I'm worried that will happen again. That was what, three, four years ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I became so upset. I realized I was neglecting my child because I was so obsessed with gathering lavender in the world of Skyrim so I could become powerful enough to kill a mammoth. Oh, sure. You got to. Yeah.

Then, frankly, I became too powerful. It became too easy to kill a mammoth. You know what that's like, Sarah. Oh, geez. That was like one of the main things in Granny's Garden, right? Yeah, yeah. For the BBC Commodore. Yeah, sure.

So I am genuinely worried about- Okay, let's all go around and say what our favorite game for the BBC Commodore was. Okay. I think mine was Chip Shop. Chip Shop Mogul.

It's like a SimCity type game, but you run a chippy. You run a chippy. You run a chippy. Right. And you got to get them in there. Everybody. What was your favorite game for the BBC Commodore?

Mine was Crown Jewels. And it was a text-based adventure game about showing off your dick. Dick and balls. Sure. The Crown Jewels. Yeah. Mine was the bit at the beginning

of Leisure Suit Larry when it tried to guess if you were over 21. But because there were American questions, I didn't have a fucking clue no matter how old I was. I was about eight, obviously,

when I was playing Leisure Suit Larry. But I still like that the questions were just ridiculously American-based as well as... there was a joke about George Burns. I didn't know who the fuck George Burns was. So mainly my favorite game was to play the opening try and get the RU over 21 code to crack on Legit Larry. I never completed Legit Larry.

So by over 21, they were really specifically looking for over 83. There's some real good Fibber McGee and Molly questions. I love that that was the only access to seeing tits. It was just digitalized Pleasure Suit Larry ones. And even then you had to crack a code to see them. So I actually only know Leisure Suit Larry as... I'm sorry, Leisure Suit Larry is how I should be saying it. My crazy accent. let's call the

whole thing off um so i only know it as like a punch line is like the dirty video game i actually never played one what's great you should have a go mate what was it like bloody and how do you see the bloodstones yeah yeah yeah you'll fucking love how do you see the tits uh by going on a series of whimsical adventures in very tiny 8-bit form that involve things like stealing a bottle of Spanish fly. Didn't know what that was.

Still don't really know what that is. You have to go to a disco and impress ladies with your dancing. There was something about an apple. It was really difficult.

Yeah, yeah. Given how shit it was. I had a... Every now and again you'd see like some digital tits. Now, were they out or was it just digital cleavage? Out.

Okay. Out they were. Cool. Tiny square. It was very exciting. I somehow had a subscription to the Sierra Online magazine, the publishers of Leisure Suit Larry. Different than the Sierra Clubs monthly magazine. No, same magazine.

It was one of those things where the cover is right side up on one side and then there's another cover if you turn it upside down and over. So it reads one direction as the Sierra Club magazine and the other direction as the Sierra. So it's like... That's 1D. One is mostly polar bears and then you

turn it around. It goes from 1D to 1 tree. There you go. Yeah, I subscribe to that magazine. I don't think I ever played Leisure Suit Larry. There was a screensaver game where Leisure Suit Larry was a hidden character, I believe. Wow. Yeah, I remember that.

That's a lot of fun. Yeah, thank you. So how did you become obsessed with this video game jordan uh i got it and you know also decided to spend more evenings at home for mental health reasons and uh needed something to fixate on right you know. And your cat was not enough. Yeah, the cat was tired of cuddling. Which, by the way, is the very last James Bond film for Daniel Craig. The cat is not enough. It's just him at home.

He got paid $200 million for it. With a vaporizer and a video game controller. Yeah, I don't know. But, yeah, I guess I've been a play a couple hours of video games a week guy for a while. And I haven't been like into one to the point where I've been like thinking about it. But, oh boy, this one did it. This one burrowed right into the old nerd stem in the Medulla Oblong Gamer. Oblong Dorka.

That's the one. Nice. Yeah. And I watched our buddy Griffina. That's the one. Nice. Yeah, and I watched our buddy Griffin yammer over some videos of it. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. What video would you not watch Griffin yammer over? Yeah, but then I watched some less talented men yammer as well, and it didn't make a difference. I'm like, I think I'm just in here to see this game.

Yeah. Anyway. Do you get that thing with the get? I haven't played a game that's really sucked me for a really long time, but when I used to play Grand Theft Auto, I liked that thing where you would close your eyes and still be playing it.

Oh yeah, sure. You have a little trace. Or like you go to the shop and you drive to the shop, like on your feet. It's very exciting. Or like try to think, I could steal that ice cream van.

I could nick it. I could go on a rampage. That was 100% my life when I was too deep into Skyrim. Everything in my life was either lining up arrow shots with my bow and arrow inside my mind and thinking about what poisons I would put on them and gathering lavender. I literally had the experience, absolutely sincerely, Gathering lavender. I literally had the experience, absolutely sincerely, seeing lavender thinking I should gather that, then realizing it was real life.

That is not a joke. That is a real thing that I noted when it happened to me. So I want nothing more than to talk about this game with people. I want to ask them what they think about the side quests. I want them, I want to hear what happens when they get more insight points. What's a side quest? Gotta deliver a newspaper. Yeah, you gotta get an apple for some reason. It helps you see tits.

So, but this is, it's kind of an older game. I think it came out last year. It was like, you know, on a lot of like last year's game of the year lists. So, the one person I know who has recently gotten it, who's not tired of talking about it, is our buddy Dan Telfer, who I work with.

And Dan Telfer has two kids, I think. And so he cannot play this in-depth. And cancer. Yeah, and cancer. Not to mention the cancer. Yeah. So two kids plus cancer equals, I'm doing a lot better at this game than old Dan Telfer.

That chump with his fucking wife and cancer. He's doing a lot better. He's doing fine. I chipped into his Kickstarter because I'm a big fan. And then it freaked the fuck out of me. Your healthcare system is based on if you like someone

you can Kickstarter their cancer treatment. Our healthcare works in the same way as a web series about funny roommates. Dan Telfer is much better. I would not. You're not allowed to say within a certain amount of time that he's clear of trouble. But he's in a good job. I definitely would not joke about it in that way if he was not doing well.

He's at work. Lovely head of hair. I probably should have checked in about it before that way if he was not doing well. He was at work, lovely head of hair. I probably should have checked in about it before. Talented guy. Since he works at Jordan's office in case something had changed that I didn't know about it before I made that joke. So every time I see Dan Telfer

I'm like, hey, what you doing Bloodborne? What you just doing Bloodborne? And he's done the same thing he did a week ago because he hasn't played it. But I've done all this new stuff. And I want to talk about the guys i've summoned with the hunter's bell from other realities yeah that was exciting the when i was when i was in the beckoning bell oh when i was ringing that bell when i was deep into skyrim i felt like i finally had it was sort of like when somebody i know who's like a deeply committed nerd decides to take up following a sport and they and this world opens up to them of talking

to other people who like that sport uh to me it was like that in a reverse or the opposite way like i realized there was all these people where i could just be like, oh man, what kind of guy are you in Skyrim? Are you a cat man? I'm a cat man that has poison bow and arrows. That's how I kill mammoths. And they'd be like, oh yeah, I'm one of those lunk-headed guys. Those kind of sturdy looking white guys. So if there's anybody in the Southern California area who is also about 30 hours into Bloodborne, I want to talk to you. We can eat a sandwich.

I will drive as far as Ventura. Do they need to be 420 friendly? Ideally, they will be 420 friendly and no drama. Shaved? Shaved. Tight? Shaved, tight, ideally. Yeah.

Mainly, what I'm looking for is that you're also about 30 hours into Bloodborne or, you know, you're replaying it or don't care talking to me about it. Anyway, that's all. That's all I want. What did you – Just putting it out there. Sarah, it was just the Halloween holiday. Is that a holiday that's celebrated the same way in the United Kingdom as it is here in the United States? No.

No, I believe the last time I was on this show, it was the same time last year, and I said, we do have shit Halloween. Yeah. Because you, but you just mean that there's no Elvira there. Yeah. Elvira is here, although I haven't seen her, so I'm a bit annoyed that I've been in the same country and the same city as her, and

yet not seen her. Are you just prowling the streets at night looking for Elvira? Just ringing my summoning bell. Just running up to any woman with huge jugs. Yeah, and a black dress on, which this season is. There's a lot of people dressed in Elvira dresses. Not the real one.

It's like Father Christmas on every street corner. They're helping out. It's her busy time of year. These are Elvira's helpers. They're her helpers. I was in this arts program for teenagers when I was in high school where we went to dance performances that we got free tickets to or whatever. And there was this guy who was one of the bosses of the thing or he was like the best buddy of the boss of the thing. His name was Huntley.

Huntley was a nice guy, but I was never that impressed with him. Huntley was a nice guy, but I was never that impressed with him until one day he just casually mentioned that he was in the wedding of Jambi from Pee Wee's Playhouse, who also Jambi from Pee Wee's Playhouse also co-invented Elvira with Elvira. Nice. Okay. We've just got Pee Wee's Playhouse in our country on Netflix. I'd never seen it. Love the films. Obviously, I've never seen Pee Wee's Playhouse. I am like forcing my child to like Pee Wee's Playhouse in our country on Netflix. I'd never seen it. Love the films, obviously. I've never seen Pee Wee's Playhouse.

I am like forcing my child to like Pee Wee's Playhouse. It's really difficult because she's terrified of the salesman. Oh, really? You know, the big, massive, you know, the salesman from series one. And I keep telling her, oh, he's not in it again after this. I don't know, but I'm kind of, she's like, I don't want to see it. It's got the salesman in it. But I'm like making her get into it because it's really good. How old is she?

Nearly four. Nearly four. She loves everything else about it. It's got the salesman in it. Oh, wow. But I'm making her get into it because it's really good. How old is she? Nearly four. Nearly four. She loves everything else about it. Yeah, four or five. Although, you know, Justin McElroy's kid, completely obsessed with Pee Wee's Playhouse because Justin and Sydney forced her. Like Ludovic, what's it called, from Clockwork Orange.

Yeah. Just jam her eyes out. Yeah, exactly. Feed her gummy bears. Like what I like. Like what I like! Like what I like! Be me! Those giant characters

in kids shows are easily the scariest. I was so afraid of Sweetums as a kid. What's Sweetums? Oh boy, was I afraid of Sweetums. He's the bigger

than a human Muppet. He drops like this. Oh yeah, yeah. The really big one. Yeah. I always wanted him to put me in his mouth. He looked like he. Oh, yeah, yeah. The really big one. Yeah. I always wanted him to put me in his mouth. He looked like he could fit in there quite nicely.

Same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Just him being like, because with the smaller Muppet, if you're a kid, you're like, eh, that looks a little weird. I could take it, though. You could defeat it. I could defeat it in some sort of test of strength. Sorry, go back to Jambi'sambi's wedding oh yes jambi yeah he was in jambi's wedding and like

literally to 14 or 15 year old me there was there was no credit that you could you could say i was vice president in the 70s you know what i mean you could say uh i'm uh what's his face who wrote the kid stays in the picture robert evans yeah you know what i mean like there's no i'm kareem abdul-jabbar like literally he could be like did you know that i'm nba hall of famer kareem abdul-jabbar and i'd be like yeah but do you know jambi uh this is this uh so So Jambi, this was a long time ago, right? This was in the late 90s. Okay. So this was a marriage to a woman because I totally did not get that vibe off him.

No, I think it was a marriage to a dude. But I'm from San Francisco. Oh, it's been legal here for a long time. It was – there was a lot of weddings that weren't legally recognized. Oh, okay. But there was probably domestic partnerships by then in San Francisco. So we, there was a hot second where it looked like Elvira was going to come on at midnight. It didn't happen.

Which is literally the only reason I came to this country. Yeah. I booked a plane ticket. I'm sorry. I'm like, I have to hang out with Jordan because I'm gonna... I'm sorry. At least I get to see Elvira. I owe you $8,000. And it's coming.

That is the exchange rate at the moment. It's coming. Did you lose the booking to Corden? Yeah, I know. Right. She's singing the Monster Mash in his Hyundai right about now. And it's pretty funny. It's my favorite comedy bit. And I don't know what.

I mean, it was amazing to think that Elvira would even consider us on Halloween in the first place. Right. Something happened. She got snooched. But there was a while where we were pitching Elvira bits. So we were, you know, just kind of going around talking about what Elvira could do. And so obviously we were kind of pitching to Elvira's two schticks, her horror pun schtick and her boob pun schtick. Right.

And so we were making boob puns. And the last time that Sarah was here, the two of you had gone to see a live Elvira performance. At Not Scary Farm. But then I realized as we were pitching around that there were younger people in the room

who maybe didn't know who Elvira was who just thought I was remarking on this woman's jugs. So I had to go around to everybody who works for us who is under 30 and just say, hey, I don't know. You know who Elvira is? She has a thing. It's her boobs. When I was talking about her, I feel like every joke I make now

includes five minutes of an apology to a 20-year-old. You thought that your biggest concern must have been that they thought you were making sexual remarks about that character from Tiny Toon Adventures. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah. The one who. You're a cartoon pedophile.

Sure. Exactly. And then I had to apologize for the horror puns as well, because there's actually some people who work for us who are related to the Crypt Keeper. Okay. Little Debbie Keeper. Baba Duke is a Baba

Don't. What? I don't know. It was kind of related to what I was talking about. It's just, you know, something you shouldn't say. Love that Baba Duke though. It's hot in here. It is very hot in here. You guys want to take a break?

Or off all your clothes? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach-turning, you won't believe it. But it's also, like, funny. It's funny. It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine. It's a real hoot. It's called Sawbones, and we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold,

and right here on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. Yeah. That was two years ago when I bought Jesse some eels. Way to bring it back.

Yeah. I couldn't remember my nickname from last time, but the time before I was international eel smuggler because I bought you some jellied eels from England on the plane. Some real jellied eel controversy, or as you would say, controversy, on MaxFunEmployee Twitter today. Our office administrator, Daniel. Easily my favorite Twitter. Yeah. Oh, it's the best Twitter. Our office administrator. No, Weird Twitter.

Oh, okay. Then MaxFunEmployee Twitter. Those are my two favorites. Then Film Twitter, then MaxFun employee Twitter. Those are my two favorites. Then film Twitter, then black Twitter. Yeah. Yeah, those are the big four, right? Policy wonk Twitter. Daniel, our office administrator is a big fan of Balut, which is... Oh, is that that weird booze?

No, that's Malort. Malort. I've had... Okay. I had that at MaxFunCon. Balut is a fertilized egg with an embryo that you eat. I'll stop it at once. Yeah.

It's something that's eaten in the Philippines and some other parts of Southeast Asia. And his family is Filipino. He is Filipino. He is Filipino, and he thinks it's great and offered to eat, to help anyone who wanted to eat Balut, eat Balut. It was very magnanimous of him, very kind of him.

I retract my horror. Culturally, it's clearly an important thing. Everyone. sorry for sounding disgusted it's the word embryo yeah yeah no it's disgusting i i i ate a balut once on an internet eat food show yeah on the youtubes on the youtubes uh and i you know that it was you know it was a dare eating show and you you know we had to eat Balut. And it looks like a hard-boiled egg that somebody would bring to work with them, if they're a weirdo. But then you bite into this hard-boiled egg, and there's a chicken inside who has an eye.

Eyes. Its eyes are basically done. You dip it in a little salt first. The eye. No, the whole thing. Yeah. You dip it in a little salt first, which is kind of- The eye. No, the whole thing. Yeah. Salty eyes. Salty eyes.

Sounds like something a serial killer does. Salty eyes. And I was so grossed out by it. And, you know, there's video of me being grossed out by it. And you're a good eater. Oh, I'm a good eater. Yeah. I'm a member of the Clean Plate Club.

Yeah. I'm mommy's big boy. Yeah. Got it. And you're a good eater. Oh, I'm a good eater. Yeah. I'm a member of the Clean Plate Club. Yeah. I'm mommy's big boy. Yeah. Got it. And I was just called a racist in the comments for days and days. You had a violent reaction to it. I did. I was very grossed out by it. What we shall describe as a violent physical reaction.

There is some mild vomiting. Yeah. Not a full hurl. Uh-huh. But a gag and spit. Yeah. So, yeah. But, yes.

And that was in the theory of the commenters because of my racism. No. And the fact is, no, it's because it's gross if it's not your cultural practice. Sure. You're racist because you insist on wearing that bindi. That's true. It's slimming. But Daniel pointed out, so our colleague Lindsay, one of the hosts of Brian and Lindsay Will

Totally Eat That with Brian, our producer, said she would never eat it and she wouldn't have eaten it on Brian and Lindsay Will Totally Eat That because, and this is true, she made me agree not to make her eat anything that she found sad. Right. And I honored that by not having her eat any balut. And he Balut. And Daniel was quick to point out that she ate Jelly Deal, which is, in his book, distinctly more disgusting than Balut. Look, no one's ever been made sad by Jelly Deal. Have you met Cockneys? They are fucking chirpy as anything.

They're all chimney sweeps, right? Have you seen Dick Van Dyke? Yes. All he eats in that film. Got it. And he clicks his heels, happy as Larry. Throws you a tuppence. Stop saying tuppence. Sorry, sorry, Sarah. Tuppence means vagina.

Sarah, sorry, threppence. That's the anus. I'm sorry. Sarah, sorry, Threepen. That's the anus. Jordan and I went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Night. And in Simpsons World, I bought a Lard Lad Donut stand. And I went to go and buy the Lard Lad Donut. And Jordan, to be helpful,

said I should show the man my tuppence, meaning money, but in my country tuppence means vagina and hilarity in suit. You thought I was saying that you should. I was saying I should, in exchange for a large $4.99 donut, show the man my vagina.

It also means 2P, but not really. It doesn't really mean that mean no one says that anymore okay we focus on yeah yeah yeah that's well that's that's special that's just for birth why show why show your tuppence when a halfpenny will do if you have no halfpenny then god bless you yeah exactly um it was so cool to go to halloween horror nights but more specifically Simpsons Land with Sarah because like – I mean I'm a jaded old coot who's been to Moe's once or twice. But oh boy, it was so cool to see it with a true Simpsons fan who has never seen it before because it's magical. Do they do it up for Halloween? Like what are the Simpsons Halloween specials called?

Treehouse of Four, yeah. Is there like Bart Simpson Eagle Crow? What's that called? The Raven. The Raven, yeah. They do – God, we had to watch that in English class so many times. Oh, sure, yeah.

If you want to make learning fun. Oh, they make you watch that episode of The Simps times. Oh, sure. Yeah. If you want to make learning fun. Oh, they make you watch that episode of The Simpsons? No, just that part. Oh, okay. It's super boring. Right. It's not the best. Not the best Treehouse of Horror.

They were figuring it out. Yeah. They play the music from the Treehouse of Horror special. So the sort of Addams Family version of the Simpsons theme tune. And that's about as as and there's some green lights i think there was nothing else yeah i've never been there before so i don't know what was different about it it was night and it was simpsons world and i was excited and running around like a small child going look a love tester look look at that if you could crusty burger they do buzz

cola oh it's exciting i I've never seen television before. I mean, one of the great charms of Simpsons World at Universal Studios is that you can buy duff. You can buy three different kinds of duff beer, which is actually pretty good. They brew it in the park. It's not like they just slap a label on a Heineken or something. But because Halloween Horror Nights is dedicated to spooks and scares, they It's a spooktacular. They do not sell the alcohol because

I guess they are worried about the safety of these characters. Oh. Because if dudes are getting loaded and going into the Freddy vs. Jason maze, I think Jason's probably going to get a pop in the face. Yeah, and then you've got to deal with the Bloodborne. Oh, boy.

You got to equip some runes before you go in there. I took my son Simon trick-or-treating this year. My son Oscar was sick, so my wife and he stayed home. I took Simon trick-or-treating with another family of our acquaintance. We went to a nice, relaxed neighborhood. The level of differentiation between trick-or-treating neighborhoods has come so far in the 25 years since I was a child. In the 25 years since I was a child, it was the difference between a five and a seven if you went to a special neighborhood now 80 of neighborhoods

there's no trick-or-treating allowed the other neighborhoods literally just like the neighborhood association gets together and hires elvira away from at midnight like the level of commitment by certain three block three block stretches of Los Angeles is astonishing. So I was very grateful. I had gone to one of those in Silver Lake in Los Angeles. And it was so fucking exhausting. Because you're just getting pushed by parents in costumes. And you're worried you're losing your children at all times.

And you're worried about the people there. you're worried you're losing your children at all times and you're worried about the people there. We found a nice neighborhood where half of the houses had their lights on for trick-or-treating. That's what we wanted. In the UK, if you have a pumpkin outside your house,

that means knock on the door and if you don't, then don't bother. Yeah, I think if the lights are on, if the porch light is on, there's a sock on the door, it means you're fucking. Yeah. Go hang out in the quad for a while.

We don't have porches. Moats. If the drawbridge is up. And it was great. It was a nice time. Simon was dressed as a dragon who loves tacos. This is one of his favorite books. It's about a dragon that loves tacos, and he made his own tacos, which was really lovely.

So he had a store-bought dragon costume. Yeah, or a garage sale-bought dragon costume by my mother some years ago. Gotcha. It's been sitting in our closet. And where did the tacos come in? He made them out of construction paper. They came in on the basis of the book Dragons Love Tacos.

Gotcha. I was worried that maybe there was some congealing sour cream that he felt like he had to carry around. The best part about the Dragons Love Tacos book

and my son's relationship, I've not read the book. Some he read at school. We don't have it at home. But the premise of the book is that if a dragon eats hot sauce, then it breathes fire. Oh, boy.

So it has to be careful not to eat salsa. Simon is legitimately afraid of that part. So the rest of it, he approaches it as just a normal goofy children's book that he loves. He is genuinely terrified that a dragon near him will eat salsa and breathe fire. Because he's very, he's five. He's very afraid of fire. It's like the only thing he's really afraid of. I don't know what.

Is your son a Frankenstein? Well, he's a Frankenstein's monster. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Yeah. He hasn't gotten his doctorate yet. Yeah. He hasn't gotten his doctorate yet. But there was one house on the trip through the neighborhood that was sort of full on Halloweeny. Like there was one house that had an inflatable black cat, like a six foot tall inflatable black cat, like one of those Santa Clauses and a giant dragon also. And, you know, some like posters up. That was fine. There was another house that had like rear projections of creepy ghosts and the loudest like damnation screams.

Effect sound effects playing and shit. I kind of feel like if you're going to do that, put that behind a door or something, right? That should be an optional activity, the genuinely terrifying thing, right? I don't know. There were some 15-year-olds, but there were no children between 8 and 15. 90% of the children were under 8. The rest of them were 15 and just couldn't afford candy at Walgreens. I don't know.

Shouldn't Halloween be kind of an ordeal? Isn't that part of it is learning to kind of brave up a little bit, you know, and confront something that's kind of scary? Were there scary things in your childhood Halloween in Mission Viejo? Yeah, I mean, we definitely had Halloween Dad on the street. And Halloween Dad dressed up like Dracula. Right. And had a spooktacular in the garage. He had one of those, something you'll see at a Halloween Horror Night.

He'll have like a chainsaw with no chain on it that revs. You know, it can't cut, but, you know, it makes the rum-num-num-num-num sound. Yeah, it makes that classic chainsaw num-num-num sound. Yeah, num-num-num. It's like a cat eating. Got it. And so he would chase you around with that, and they had a little, you know, archway that you would walk through that had the Damnation music and cobwebs and a guy that would grab you. And I definitely was –

Wait, there was a guy that would grab you? Sometimes he would have like a – there would be a Frankenstein there. Was it a British television person? Yeah, he would put you in a boy band, tell you not to talk about it. Dave Lee Travis. Tell you you would make you a star sure um

but yeah I mean I was definitely like afraid of it it was took me a long time to like scary movies and scary stuff I was a little bit

late to that party but I definitely remember like liking coming out of the other side and feeling like yeah okay I did that

that's over I got this thing I have that to some extent but it's because i would go to bernal heights in san francisco and trick-or-treat with my best friend petey and petey's dad mark was a little scary to me because he thought i was a pussy okay you were worried he'd make you run laps well like yeah or like ride in the back of his truck

with no seat belt on like in the bed of his truck and go seatbelt on, like in the bed of his truck, and go off the hills. Sure. So we would lift out of the truck bed and fall down. And I thought that was terrifying, and he thought it was funny that I thought it was terrifying. Yeah. I do see now, like, thinking about Halloween Dad. And it's always something I've kind of aspired to. Like, you know, when I, you know, I'll have a couple of kids, I'll be Halloween Dad.

Right. It seems obvious to me now that Halloween dad is dealing with something. That's why you become Halloween dad is because something's going on. You have energy. I think. You're shooting it out there with your chainsaw and your cobwebs. The full terror was out in front. There was definitely Halloween dads who would put up a few spooky things and then have a

garage that you entered to get spooked. But when it's all out there, it's sort of like one time Teresa, my wife, went to a birthday party when she was eight years old. And the parents played The Shining. Yeah, yeah, sure. And The Shining is an amazing film, of course. And I'm not even sure that it's always inappropriate to choose to play The Shining for your child. Maybe your child loves that shit.

I don't know. You know? I'm not here to judge. Sure. We're turning health kid. I judge. Right. Yeah, I know.

Doesn't seem like a good thing no matter what to choose for. It's actually about Freudian issues. Yeah. It's not about a haunted hotel. It's about menopause. Yeah.

But to choose it for other people's children. Sure. That's about menopause. But to choose it for other people's children. That's the part that I was uncomfortable with. What was the scariest thing that you saw when you were little? I mean, this is not The Shining. It's a different ballpark, but it is similar. It's when your uncle died and you were in the room. Yeah, exactly.

We were visiting him at the hospital. My mom was going to the snack bar. I was told to wait there and he flatlined and the doctors came in and told me I had done it. Got it. My being there, the fact that I had lied earlier that year.

Young man, did you spill your yoo-hoo on this electronic equipment? It was there before. It's me, Jordan. That nurse loves chocolate drinks. I was in a similar situation. He has a very good squeaky voice, too. I definitely was at a seven or eight-year-old birthday party, and the parents put on one of the early Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

Who are these parents? Who are these parents? When I was off sick from school and my mum couldn't pick me up from school so she got her friend to pick me up and we went to her house and she was like, oh, just sit, I'll get you a blanket.

So I'm at a weird house where my friend wasn't anyway and her mum was there and she got me a blanket and got me a hot squash. Like a nice hot drink. Not squash the vegetable. What's in a hot squash?

Squash is like, I guess you'd call it bug juice. Okay. Like cordial. Yeah. Cordial? Anyway. Bug juice is like a jug that you drink from at summer camp. Oh, okay.

What's the stuff they drank at Jonestown? It's like a bright... Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid. That's it. Yeah, juice is Kool-Aid. Squash is Kool-Aid. But that's a brand name, right?

Yeah. Squash is just the generic term. God, we've gone off track. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. So my friend's mom sort of put me in a blanket and then she went, just pick any video.

And I just went through their videos and I just, I saw the two words that was a funny two words. I went, the thing. She a funny two words I went the thing she went yeah I'll put that on and then left the room oh boy

I was about eight or nine oh boy to be honest I fucking loved it yeah because it's it's just

it's just itchy and scratchy it's just so cartoon I was just like this is amazing what's going on I saw one of the alien. What's the scariest?

Alien or aliens? One of them is scarier than the other one. Alien is scarier. Yeah. Alien is the one I saw when I was about eight or nine. And it was just on TV in the back room of a place that we were staying. And I was just watching it because I didn't want to be in a grown-up party. Me too.

And I still hate even thinking about it. Here's what I think is different about our generation v. our parents' generation. I think that we – Always want a participation trophy. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to be told I'm wrong. I think that we have a different relationship to nerd shit.

Like we like nerd shit till we die. But to them, anything that's not Howard's end is kid stuff. Right. So I think they regard Freddy, Jason thing in the same way that we, you know, that's, oh, it's the same as Spider-Man. It's the same as Superman-man it's the same as superman it's just a little scarier like it's like the like genre stuff is kid stuff i think and i don't think they think they don't i don't think they differentiated freddy from uh you know goonies or the sandlot or something like that i think to them it was all just, here is the kid stuff. I'm still very upset that as like a 16

or 17 year old I went to see the movie Sexy Beast. Expecting it to be like a stylized crime drama. It turned out to be about Ben Kingsley giving you fucking nightmares. I'm still scared of that.

You went to see it like that joke about naked lunch from the Simpsons. You can think of two things wrong with that title. I was expecting it to be sexy and bestial, and it was neither of those things. I don't like any scary anything. I don't want to be scared of anything. Yeah. Not at 0%.

That's my level of interest in being spooked out. Yeah. Halloween Horror Nights was pretty spooky. the spook level was quite high i legit but it was it was it was what it was about the freddy krueger thing which is i i grew up terrified of freddy krueger like someone in my street had a poster in the window uh years before i ever saw the film and i was terrified of that poster and always imagined what the film was like and just absolutely terrified. And then sort of that turned into a deep respect

and love for the series of those films. And then, but still going in a fucking maze where, you know, there's loads of them. There's a whole bunch of Freddy Kruegers in there? So many Freddies. So many Freddies. Some of them are like, like just, they've all got masks.

They've all got- Some of them are African-American. Some of them are- You know what all got masks. They've all got- Some of them are African American. Some of them are- You know what? Black Jason. There was a black Jason. Black Jason. And you know what?

It's about time. It's about time, our kids. No, sorry, Sarah. I'm going to cut you off because I need to be an ally here for a second. It's about time that our kids know no matter what race they are, no matter what gender they are, hell, whether or not they subscribe to one of the two genders that society thinks are

okay, they can be an undead Hulk who punishes kids for sex. Can they steal people's dreams? No. That's for whites. That's for whites. Come on, white men. My kid was at a birthday party recently and there was a black

Olaf. It was a frozen thing. I was very pleased that there was a black Olaf. Those mazes though. There's a lot of Freddies, a lot of Jasons. There was a big prosthetic, spoiler alert for if you like mazes and it's still on. I don't know. But there's a bit where there's

a giant rubber snake Freddy that's eating a real actor person who's going, ah. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty cool. How do you... Do they touch you? No, they're not allowed to touch you.

None of them are allowed to touch you. Listen, if you pay $10 for a little bottle of water... Yeah, bottle service in the champagne room. That bouncer will look the other way and you can grab Freddie's tits. But no, there's no, yeah, there's a lot of like, they do seem to be trained

in looking like they're going to grab you, but then they don't. Okay, because that is a big concern if they're going to touch you. I know like my son right now is going through a problem where he suffers from a medical condition called white guy butt. Just to say that there's no differentiation vertically. There's no horizontal differentiation as you travel down the rear of his body, which means that his pants are always falling down no matter what. You know how it is with the kids these days,

their pants down around their ankles. Sagging pants. And his teacher took my wife aside and said, like, you have to do something about this. And my wife was like, I don't know what to do. There's nothing to hang the pants from. It's a problem for us, too. But the reason is we thought, like, it's not that big a deal.

It's not like the other kids are making fun of it. He's five years old, you know. But the problem is that there's only one person in the school certified for butt touching. And so when my son's pants start to fall down, they have to call the butt toucher in who's got like a non-molesting certification. And she's allowed to pull up his pants. The teachers, the regular teacher is not allowed to pull up his pants. And I imagine that you would run into that kind of trouble with spooky Jason's and whatnot. Yeah, you'd have to be, it's called being CRB checked.

I can't imagine there's a special certificate for, yeah. Is there, are there classic, are there like Dracula's and stuff? No, there was the exorcist. That was really good.

But you, your friend cast those mazes, didn't he? Yeah. So we, oh, a friend of mine, he's been on the show before,

Eric Martin, a hell of a guy. He works for Universal Studios. Kind of took us and flashed his big shot wad, flashed his tuppence. Got it. I hear he's got more of a

thruppence. And passed us some of the lunch, which was great. But he was talking about working there and he was and one of his friends was there with him had actually been a Scarector in the past. And she told me the most amazing thing is that at the end of the night, things shuts off at

2 a.m. or whatever. They gotta run everybody out of there so they can clean up. And I guess they line up all the monsters. And the monsters all line up like a Braveheart, you know, gang. What do you call that? I don't know. Braveheart gang.

A mob. Braveheart mob. Army? And they just rush toward the front of the park and everyone has to run away from them. Like, so they rush. Oh, like a search party. Yeah. Yeah.

They all have chainsaws. They all have chainsaws. Or like all the kids on my Little League baseball team going from foul line to foul line looking for syringes. Sure, yeah. So they're rushing the people out of the park. And if you make someone pee their pants, you get a $100 gift certificate. It's called the golden ticket. They are trying

to make you pee. Isn't that great? Yeah, that is really good. They want you to pee. That is really good. She told lots of stories about getting spat on, beaten up,

punched every time she was in a maze dressed as like a spooky thing. She would just get attacked. Yeah, I think it's a high risk job. Scaracter.

Yeah. What happens if you punch somebody? I don't think it's a high-risk job. Scaracter. Yeah. What happens if you punch somebody? I don't think you'll have to punch them back. Do they get a $100 gift certificate? Yeah, they get a Minions t-shirt. So yeah, you know what? If you're listening out there, respect your

scaracters. They're there for you. They're spooking for you. It's a tough job. They're eight hours a night. Yeah. 30 minutes on, 10 minutes off. Why are they so consumed with these characters from fictional films

when they could be real life characters like Dracula? Historical scares. Historical scares. Or man. Dracula's a real monster. Did you know the real monster is man, Jesse? We all know.

Guys, it's very funny. I just don't think Dracula's are very funny. No. That's true. They're serious. And Dracula's are not a historical problem either. They're ahistorical. They live outside. Dracula's, for. You know,

Dracula is a, for all I know, you know, Brian over there could be a Dracula. You got your back to him, Jordan. Yeah. I mean,

he's shaking his head no, but Sarah. We got to invite him into the podcasting hutch though. That's how it works. Sarah, let's say you were Brian. You're the producer of our show.

Okay. Let me put myself in Brian's shoes for a second. Okay. Let's further, let's further, yeah, it's fun, right? He really enjoys life. Okay. Let me put myself in Brian's shoes for a second. Okay. Let's further... Yeah, it's fun, right? He really enjoys life. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to go and get some cosplay on him. Okay. So, first of all, you're Brian. Second of all, you're a Dracula. Okay? Right. Now, if I were to say, hey, a Brian might be a Dracula, what would you do? You'd shake your head no, right? No! Yeah, you'd shake your head no, no, no. I'm not a Dracula, what would you do? You'd shake your head no, right?

No, yeah, you'd shake your head no, no, no, I'm not a Dracula, okay? That's how fucking Draculas get you, Jordan. That's exactly the kind of shit Draculas love to do. They're devious. So he sounds pretty scary, but is he more scary than one of the politicians from the current election? Hold on, Jordan! Jordan! You know the ones, baby! Jordan, this is not

about social commentary! Sorry, man, I'm a truth teller. I'm a satirist. I thought Dracula's a social... a society. Jordan! What if your... What's your sister's boyfriend's name? Your sister's husband's name?

What if Tyler's a Dracula right now? That's cool. No, it's not cool! It's dangerous! Yeah, I mean, he seems nice, though. No, it's not nice! He's not nice! Not if he's a Drac!

Well, I think you've got some baggage you need to unpack. Do you know what these guys do? It's like you've never even met you need to unpack. Do you know what these guys do? It's like you've never even met a black Jason before. Do you know what these guys... Jesse, I have met black Jason. Guys, do you know what... I am friends with black Jason. He spooked me good, but not because of his race, because he was an undead Hulk who

murdered teens. Nigel Farage from Brexit might be a Dracula. He almost certainly is a Dracula. Yeah. Hugh Grant might be a Dracula. He almost certainly is a Dracula. Yeah. Hugh Grant might be a Dracula. He can't be killed. Nigel Farage can't be killed. It's true.

He chain smokes and drinks and has been in literally a helicopter crash. Wait, what? That smashed his face up. Oh, boy. If you Google pictures of Nigel Farage helicopter crash, it's really hard not to laugh. Even though it's a sad thing that happened to him. But he cannot die. So he is Dracula.

To all intents and purposes. Although he would not come from Transylvania. He doesn't approve of Romanians at all. I'm pretty disappointed with how casually you guys seem to be taking the Dracula problem. I'm going to get my shit together. We're going to have to take a quick break.

Sure. We're getting giddy, right? No, I'm honestly, at this point, and I wasn't even going to say this out loud. Honestly, at this point, I'm not 100% sure that you two aren't Draculas. We couldn't have come in here. We have to tell you.

Is it like that cop thing? Yeah. The rules are the same if it like that cop thing? Yeah. The rules are the same if you're a cop or a Dracula. Ooh, Dracula cop. No one make that show. I'm making it. No one make that show. I'm making it.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. The first ever Chicago Podcast Festival is just around the corner. The first ever Chicago Podcast Festival is just around the corner. Don't miss your shot to catch MaxFun's own Bullseye, Lady to Lady, and Minority Corner performing live for your entertainment. Split Single was just added to the Bullseye lineup in addition to the previously announced and amazing Dwayne Kennedy and Andre Royo. Bullseye and Lady to Lady are November 17th and Minority Corner is November 18th. Visit MaximumFun.org and keep the live shows column on the right side to grab your tickets right now before time runs out.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, European eel smuggler. Jordan, what do you do? What do you do at night? Give me an example. I'm kind of into sleeping.

Right. What do you sleep on? I mean, it's got to be a mattress. Yeah, you got it. What's the best kind of mattress that sponsors Jordan, Jesse Goh? I think a Casper mattress is the one you're talking about. Yeah, it's got to be a mattress. Yeah, you got it. What's the best kind of mattress that sponsors Jordan Jesse Go? I think a Casper mattress is the one you're talking about. Yeah, that's right. They're a retailer of premium online mattresses for a fraction of the price.

They're obsessively engineered. They're shockingly fair. Hey, and they're also risk-free. You get a risk-free trial and return policy. You try that Casper for 100 days. Free delivery to the U.S. and Canada. Painless returns. If you don't like it, send it back. No harm, no foul.

Don't roll the dice with a generic mattress that you purchased from the big box retailer. Go to Casper.com slash JJGo. Use the code JJGo at checkout. You'll get $50 off any mattress purchase. They sent me one of these Casper mattresses, Jordan.

You love sleeping on it. I love sleeping on it so much, I bought myself a Casper pillow. I used my own money to buy the Casper pillow. That's God's own truth. These are made in America. Right here in the God's United States. They're 50 bucks off.

Casper.com slash JJGO. Are you going to buy some Paragu Paraguayan generic big box retailer mattress? No, you're going to go to Casper.com slash JJ Go and use the code JJ Go. Get in there. Jordan. What? The last thing I want to do is try and bullshit our audience. Nah.

Terms and conditions to apply. Sure. That's just straight talk. Natch. There's going to be... You go to Casper.com slash JJ Go. Terms and conditions to apply. Sure. That's just straight talk. Natch. There's going to be, you go to casper.com slash JJ Go, use the code JJ Go, terms and conditions will apply.

You're going to get an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. Made in America. Right here in Trump's America. Hang on, when does this come out? Monday. Okay, that's not the election. Yeah. That's America. Hang on, when does this come out? Monday. Okay, that's not the election.

Yeah. That's Tuesday. Yeah, it'll be immediately before the election. So Casper Metros is nonpartisan, we should say, unlike Jesse. Yeah. No, like me. Huh? No, I'm nonpartisan.

Oh, well, I thought you were, I thought you had just thrown in your lot with a certain candidate there. No, I certainly, I. Well, if you ask me, it's scarier than any monster i love trump's america but i love hillary's communist china too okay i love both of them sure i love all candidates and jill stein's little burning man little burning man yeah is that a burning man for smaller people or is that a burning man yeah a burning man for smaller people or is that a burning man for children yeah it's for kids does advocate a children's you gotta get him

started early for public schools for public school students otherwise they wouldn't know to bring their own water students and family they get a they get a voucher to go to a little burning man okay yeah Casper dot-com slash JJ go students and family, they get a voucher to go to Lil Burning Man. Okay, yeah. Casper.com slash JJ Go.

Use the promo code JJ Go. I'm also, I want to mention, I'm going to be in Chicago, Illinois in November in about, let's see, about a week after this comes out. I will be there with my hit radio show uh, my hit radio show, Bullseye, uh, at the Chicago Podcast Festival. We will be performing with Lady to Lady, our, uh, friends and colleagues here at MaximumFun.org.

I will be offering you comedy from Dwayne Kennedy, one of the funniest guys in the world, uh, an interview with Andre Royo, the fascinating actor from Empire in the Wire. And, uh, we just,

uh, we just added music from Split Single. Indie Rock Superstars Split Single. So it's going to be a ton of fun. I hope that I will see you there. And of course, one last plug if I might. Need a gift

for a loved one or yourself? Put this on shop. All my cool vintage stuff. I went and visited Sarah Morgan in England. Went to the flea market. It's really nice you came all that way just to see me. Yeah, I was, just to see you. Coincidentally, I was lucky enough to get a few bookings at the London Podcast Festival. But we know the real

reason why. Yeah, exactly. And, yeah, I bought a ton of stuff in England. There's a lot of vintage men's accessories and doodads as well as pocket squares and scarves. You took our doodads? Our beloved doodads. But as pocket squares and scarves. Our beloved doodads.

But he left the baubles. We got a great new cap that's inspired by World War II aviator caps. It's really, really neat. All of that at PutThisOnShop.com and if you use the code FULLSHORT, you get free shipping. Oh, can I mention one other thing? Sure. Jordan was on at midnight. You should watch that shit on ComedyCentral.com.

I think it's on there. It might not be on there anymore. I don't know how long they leave this up there. If it's still up there, watch it. I mean, I say watch it one way or the other. Get it. Yeah. I mean, why are you so busy hacking your way into the DNC's emails when you could be hacking your way to hilarious entertainment on Jordan's episode of At Midnight on ComedyCentral.com

I legit have to use an unblocker if I want to watch At Midnight in my country. Did you have to do that to watch Jordan destroy? Sorry Chris Garcia, you're a real funny guy. You got crushed by the Jordan Morris train. Yeah, and all he got was a sitcom.

He did get a sitcom just now. Well, I'm in this country. I won't have to click that button three times before I get to watch At Midnight. So I will watch it. I will watch it. Yeah. Legally. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, European eel smuggler. Can I ask you a question, Sarah? Please. Do momentous things ever happen in the United Kingdom? What am I saying? Of course.

Sometimes large animals have veterinary emergencies. And Dr. James Harriot has to get out there and save them. Oh, yeah. Sometimes there's a horse that needs foaling. Yeah, exactly. Dr. James Harriot and his hot wife. Super foxy wife. He's not a not handsome man himself.

He's a handsome guy. Sure. But his wife's a stone cold fox. I'm talking about the television show All Creatures Great and Small. It's a British docudrama. Sounds like a hoot. You rarely see the small animals now I come to think about it. Yeah.

It's all creatures. Great. There's a lot of cows, a lot of horses, a lot of folding. It's not saving a lot of shrews. There's no tiny animals. He brings a kitten back to life in one. That's cool. Spoiler alert, but that happens.

Like a zombie thing. Yeah, it's a Halloween episode. Yeah, sure. Like a what if. Countryside of horrors. It's not canon. Every year they would do a countryside of horrors episode. I know.

I remember this from my childhood. Well, the next time something momentous happens to you, Sarah, call America. The long series of numbers you have to press to reach America. 001, sure. Yeah, and then dial 206-9844-FUN. That's the number to call if you have a momentous occasion like these folks. Brian, why don't we take a listen to our first call? Hey, guys.

This is Allie in the Midwest. I have been on vacation driving across Kansas, and driving through Kansas City, I encountered these two handmade stenciled signs for some place that looked like yard sale signs. One of them said, upscale steampunk goggles, the other one was upscale russian winter hats i don't know what store it was supposed to be for there was no indication but it was pretty delightful take care bye yeah when you've had it with the cheap shit it's some upscale you're tired of those steampunk goggles from h&M that just break after you wash them two times. You want the good shit.

You want that handmade. Primo. Hand-slapped leather. Swarovski crystal. Boy. Eyepieces. Imagine the man that wears both. Both the Russian winter hat and the steampunk goggles.

I was in San Bernardino, I think. San Bernardino. Is that the one that's north of here, right? San Bernardino? I think it's like east of here, but yeah. What's the one that's north of here? Bakersfield. I was in Bakersfield, California.

And I was just kind of putzing around downtown Bakersfield. I don't mean to shock you guys. It's a little economicallyzing around downtown Bakersfield. I don't mean to shock you guys. It's a little economically depressed, downtown Bakersfield. But I was like, I'm going to take a look at downtown Bakersfield's antique malls and whatnot. Right square in the heart of downtown Bakersfield, there is a dual storefront. Right square in the heart of Bakersfield. There is a dual storefront, one side of which is all steampunk zombie equipment. Oh, boy. And one side of which is all like folding spade, heating pill, aluminum blanket survivalist gear.

And I thought, I immediately, like the first thought in my head was, I got to move to Bakersfield. Yeah. Not because I want to shop at this store. The last thing I want to do is shop at this store. In a thousand years, I don't want to go into the steampunk emporium. Okay. No offense, but might as well send me to the chap hop emporium.

Not interested. Okay. No offense, but you might as well send me to the Chap Hop Emporium. Not interested. Okay. But I thought if you can have an entire store, think of what kind of store I could have. I could have any type of store. They must have $20 a month rent or something. You can have any type of store there. Just sleep in the back on all your electric blankets or whatever. Yeah.

I could have an electric blanket store. What would you sell? Oh, jeez. I mean, seashells maybe? By the seashore? No, it's not by the seashore. It's very affordable. It's inland.

And as long as you've got a vibrant online presence, you're doing fine. You don't need the foot traffic. Would you like seashells with little googly eyes and stuff, or just seashells? I like furniture made out of seashells. I'd go whole hog. I mean, what is a seashell but a house for a crab? Think about it. A wise man once said.

A wise man once said. Let's take another call. And the real monster is man. Let's take another call. Let's keep is man. Let's take another call. Let's keep it upscale, guys. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Paul in Arizona. Yesterday I was driving in my car, and on the opposite side of the road there's a small bird,

like bigger than a sparrow, smaller than a crow, medium-sized bird. Hold on. Out of nowhere. Pause. Pause the call. You guys know that as soon as the call comes up, I got my antenna up. I'm listening for bullshit artists. Sure.

Okay? A penguin in the pants. The last thing I want is a penguin in the pants, okay? This guy is changing his story. He's two sentences in. I'm Paul from Arizona. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. Sarah in the studio here was kind enough to wave to him through the microphone.

I still get excited when I'm referred to. And then he said, I saw a small bird, like a medium-largish bird. What is this garbage? What does Paul take me for? Some corn-pwned roof. What are you worried that he's doing? He's hustling me. He's trying to snowball me.

That's when I come in his mouth and he kisses me. He's trying that on you. That's when I come in his mouth and he kisses me. He's trying that on you. Yeah. Oh, boy. That's when he's trying to do it. You don't need that. You got a show to do. You can't do a show with your mouth full of jizz.

I got to have my tongue free. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Mm-hmm. You know, it's like, Jordan, what if we tried to do a show where you were engaged in a sex act that prevented you from going, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, We don't got no show. Yeah. It's the same way with me.

Mm-hmm. And Paul. So I'm just saying, yeah, Paul, you're treading in dangerous waters, okay? The waters you're treading in are shark waters, and sharks will eat you as soon as they in dangerous waters, okay? The waters you're treading in are shark waters, and sharks will eat you as soon as they look at you, okay? They got magnet fields from their nose and very dangerous

teeth. So be careful what you chum. Chum. He saw a medium bird. That's the Phil Collins parody of what he... Okay, play the call. Play the call, Brian. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

This is Paul in Arizona. Yesterday I was driving in my car, and on the opposite side of the road, there's a small bird, like bigger than a sparrow, smaller than a crow medium-sized bird out of nowhere a owl swoops out grabs the bird in its talons and tries to fly off with it but the other bird is too heavy it can't really get uh too too high up in the air

it's maybe three or four feet up in the air and it's struggling to try and fly off with its prey. And at that moment, a hawk, a giant hawk, also swoops out of the sky and tries to grab onto the owl and its talons. It does not catch it, but it does make contact, knocks the owl to one side so that it drops the bird that it's carrying, and all three of them then fly off in other directions. And all of this happened in the space of maybe six to eight seconds. It was amazing.

So, that's my moment as occasion. Love the show. See you guys later. Get them, get them, get them. Okay. I think that's called a Tducken, isn't it? Yeah, then John Madden just ate them all. Jesse, you look furious. I was about to make a really complicated turducken joke.

I was going to say that last November I was driving down the road. Did we all think turducken at the same time? Yeah, I think we all thought Tadakon. Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry I stepped on your joke, Jesse. It's okay. You looked really happy. I was really excited about this whole plan I had to tell this complicated story about

a time that I saw a turkey eating chicken. Yeah, that was better. I'm sorry. I got giddy. I shot my pole. I said turkey. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

If something momentous happens to you, call us at 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the monster. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sarah Morgan, international eel smuggler. Sarah, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thanks, Jesse.

What's coming up on International Waters? Oh, just the usual merriment and mirth. What kind of merriment and mirth is it? There's a lot of Georgia Seagull listeners who don't listen to International Waters. They're missing out. They absolutely should listen to it because, as we've realized in the last hour on this show,

that there is a lot of fun cultural differences between the united kingdom and the united states of america and you know you you know who you want to plumb those cultural differences mtv icon dave holmes yes we were having this conversation off mic dave holmes with legit cool mtv guy uh very exciting our host of international wars yeah we've had some terrific British and American comedians on the show it's a panel show which I don't believe

you have over here except for something called At Midnight but I've never seen it because you have to pirate it it takes three clicks to watch that

fucking thing but apart from that show yeah it's a panel show between American comedians and British comedians a pop culture battle royale

hosted by Dave Holmes. We've had many beloved Max Funn characters? Scaracters. Scaracters. Scaracters. Scaracters on the show, including John Hodgman. Yeah. Josie Long.

Yeah. Can you name some people as well? We've had, oh, who else well we've had ooh who else we've had Jesse Thorne on I've been on he's been on it I created the fucking thing you did create the fucking thing

yeah who else have we had on I think I was Michael Bay on it once you did Jordan was Michael Bay on it once we've had probably

ooh anyone you listen to anyone you like on MaxFun they've probably been on International Waters and also some British people

you've not heard of who are really good as well. Some famous British people. Some famous British people you've probably heard of. If you're one of these Britain nerds, you're going to be like, oh yeah, I know who that is. And you're going to come on your own face. The old self snowball.

The old snowball suicide. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. MaximumFun.reddit.com is the place to discuss it on Reddit. Join us on Facebook in the Maximum Fun Facebook group where we have a ton of fun. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D, our producer, laughing just outside the microphone booth here. You didn't laugh that much. Let's be honest. You didn't laugh that much. You didn be honest. You didn't laugh that much.

You didn't really enjoy this week's program. I feel a little bit sad about that. Do you think it was about you? I do. Do you think he was holding back or was I just relentlessly on my way? Guys, Brian's dad just died. Well, maybe you shouldn't have killed Brian's dad, Jordan. Sorry, baby.

Oh, boy. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks to everybody who came out to the Now Hear This Festival and saw us. That show will probably be up on the feed in a couple weeks. We'll see. And we love you all very much, baby. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye.

Bye.