Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 454: Big Boy with Ian Karmel

Episode Date: November 14, 2016

Ian Karmel joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of old Trivial Pursuit games, Ian's rules for public bathroom usage, and Wilford Brimley's sex life.  Plus, Jordan helps Jesse commit to his new nickname, Ian pitches a few invention ideas, and there's a new situation in Jordan's special work bathroom. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Goh, of course, your weekly science experiment, are things funny yet? experiment are things funny yet we'll see i've got a uh i've got a i've got a doozy of a story queued up about my work bathroom can we laugh at this hard to say it's do jokes work day four should we just make noises loud sighs grunts what would? What do you want from a comedy podcast audience? Do you want us to try and be light and humorous? You know what I was thinking of doing?

Yeah. Like a heartfelt speech about how 9-11 affected me. You know, what it's like here in New York in the aftermath of 9-11. Sure, sure. People liked it when Letterman did it. Yeah, I think so. Just take other, like, you know, key media moments

and try and replicate them. Yeah, and then we bring Regis out. What do you remember about the MASH finale? Can we... No, I don't enjoy watching MASH, but I mean, you know, I kind of know what the show's about. Maybe we could kind of poke through the MASH finale together. I mean, we wouldn't get all the beats necessarily, but I think we could replicate the vibe.

I've got the Hot Lips Houlihan beats committed to memory. Yum, yum. Right here in the old Spank Bank. For the folks at home, Jesse's Spank Bank is, I don't know, right around his frontal cortex? Yeah. Where does the spank bank lay? Well, what you do is first you hit the base of your skull with a syringe full of radioactive dye. Oh, okay.

Then you get in that MRI tube. You know, you lie down. Hold on. I need to get my phrenology head. Is that funny? Can we reference something that was racist? I don't know. I don't know either.

Yeah. I've got an especially big spanking lobe. Boy, I'm naturally so horny. I'm a naturally horny people. Is it enlarged by circumstance or by gift of birth? Hold on. I have to. Let me cast these runes.

Ask my god, Rom the Vacuous Spider. I played a game of Trivial Pursuit where Hot Lips Houlihan came up. Okay. It was a question. It was, what's the nickname of Jennifer Houlihan or whatever her first name is? And I did not get it. This was a classic example of a very problematic type of Trivial Pursuit game. Yeah.

Trivial Pursuit game where you found the box somewhere and you don't know when it's from and it turns out to be from 1980 oh sure yeah a lot of west germany related questions a lot of ed sullivan questions right few radio comedy questions yeah it was a very challenging very very challenging situation yeah no i have uh never enjoyed a game of trivialvial Pursuit. Wait, you mean that you've never enjoyed – you've partaken of it but not enjoyed it? Yeah. No, I mean it's exactly the situation you describe. I think we had a family Trivial Pursuit in the downstairs closet where we kept all the board games. And we would break it out on family game night from time to time.

And, you know, we would break it out on family game night from time to time. But, yeah, it was just one of those things where it was just from 1976 or whenever and just nothing made sense. I mean, you did a lot better than your parents at the science questions, though. Oh, yeah. You were actively studying science in your laboratory. That's true. And I've always loved graduated cylinders. As a child, I just had them up in my room.

You graduated with a degree in cylinders, didn't you? A minor in cylinders. I majored in Bunsen burners. Oh, excellent. These are the science words I know. The best moment of our Trivial Pursuit game was this was up at my cabin. game was, this was up at my cabin, and we had a Bullseye Buds retreat there, which is the staff of Bullseye has been nicknamed by Christian the Bullseye Buds. It's spelled with a Z, right? Yeah, absolutely.

Of course. How else would you, is there another way to spell it? I mean, not that I know of. Just like in the movie Air Buds. That's about a dog that can smoke hella weed. Yeah. And there was a question which came up. There's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't get blazed.

I'm not going to tell you exactly what member of the Bullseye Buds took this guess, but it was the true magic moment of the Trivial Pursuit game. The question was, this strikes the Empire State Building about 50 times a year. Now, you're considering this choice. You're thinking of all the different possibilities. There was a long consideration period for this Bullseye staff member. What category is the center? Nature and science. Okay? Nature and science. Okay.

Nature and science. So far I've thought of one answer. Okay. It seemed as though this person was having a hard time coming up with an answer until a light bulb went on. The guess was parachutes. I was, okay. So it's lightning, right?

Yes. Of course it's lightning. I'm like, what can this surprising answer be? Mine was going okay. So it's lightning, right? Yes, of course it's lightning. I'm like, what can this surprising answer be? Mine was going to be King Kong's. Parachutes. Parachutes. Parachutes striking the Empire State Building. Yeah, it's odd to think of a parachute as striking something.

It cannot strike anything, I don't think. It can envelop. It's too soft. Yeah. It can billow against. Sure. A anything, I don't think. It can envelop. It's too soft. Yeah. It can billow against. Sure. A parachuter could strike the Empire State Building. Absolutely.

Were he, for some reason, bailing out of his World War II aircraft over Manhattan? Sure. What a grisly death. What a grisly death. But it really was a brutal, like, the essential frustration of Trivial Pursuit is that there are some questions that seem so reasonable and other questions that only the worst baby boomer would know the answer to. Right. Yeah. Like, sure.

I'm trying to think of what one of those would be. Something about Buddy Holly, I guess. Yeah, but like not about – there was a question about Rudy Valley. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's a little bit closer. Yeah. Like you or I might know about Buddy Holly.

That's a thing that's still relevant in today's world. Yeah. You know what I mean? That was ultimately like the- Wayne Newton or something like that. And what it does is over the course of the Trivial Pursuit came. And I should explain. of the Bullseye Buds, myself,

Kevin, Bullseye's producer, Christian, producer at large here at Maximum Fun, and Cara, our production fellow. We're all millennials. Sure. Okay, we range from

the eldest of millennials, myself, to... What we call the dark millennial. Yes. In a time before Snapchat, the dark millennials wandered the earth.

Over the course of the whatever, 60, 70 minutes of playing Trivial Pursuit, whatever it is, just this profound, deep, boiling resentment of the baby boom just starts to build and build until it's steaming out of everyone's ears. With every question about MASH. With every question about a lesser Norman Lear sitcom. With every question about something that probably happened off camera in the movie American Graffiti. Yeah. Rhoda. Yeah. Deep Rhoda questions.

Yeah. Tertiary characters on Evening Shade. Yeah. Yeah. I would say that that particular Tribunal Pursuit edition is the worst thing the Baby Boomers have ever done. Yeah. I think that's about right.

That's fair. I've seen the voting returns. Boy, I haven't played a board game in four eves. I've begrudgingly played a couple games of Cards Against Humanity, which I have said before on the program I do not like. And I played one

of the most awkward game situation I've been in in my recent life. This was maybe a year, year and a half ago. I was at a work party with someone I was dating and have not met these people. And it was this young lady's work, not your work? Yes, exactly. Never met these people.

And maybe honestly a little too early to be going to someone's work party. We were maybe four dates in. But you were already wearing the lampshade. Yeah, exactly. I might as well go to a fun work party. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, but but, you know, hell, why not? Right.

And this was a house party and they booted up a bootleg version of Cards Against Humanity that you play, like, with your phones. Uh-huh. So it goes through the TV. It was through their cable service or whatever. What is this?

Is this like a board game that you play by dialing into that thing that has half a page advertisement in the newspaper in 1993? It's something like that. Yeah. It was pretty simple to set up. So it was just like, you know, it was like those mechanics, but on your phone. Through that BBC information system dial up thing. Yeah. You call the 80s.

Yeah. You call the operator. You call the switchboard lady. Got it. She puts you through to fun party game. Got it. And, you know, and I think those games are known for their, you know, for their bad taste, for their non-PC humor. Their ribaldry.

Yeah, exactly. You know, they're not, you know, everybody's thinking it, you know. Come on, it's just a joke. Like, that's the tone of these things. Yeah, like baby AIDS. Like, oh, I can't believe you said it. So random. So dark.

Yeah, exactly. Baby AIDS is a great. To be fair, equal opportunity offender. Absolutely. They'll also say adult AIDS. Right. And horse rape. Got it.

So think about the proper version of the game has that sense of humor. The fucking bootleg version that you build up on your TV, sometimes the answer is just the N-word. What? That's not that bad. That's an exaggeration. But like think about think about the humor of those types of games. But just an unsuccessful guy illegally made his own and could probably be sued and just has no sense of comedy. They were the most they like just I work in the comedy business. I'm not easily offended. I think I know the difference between a joke and a slur. But these were so awful. They were like so just so vile.

You're like, why does this card say hook-nosed? Yeah, right. Yes, exactly. Why does this say a boatload of quadroons? I wish it was... I would be more comfortable if it was like old-time racism. But it was just the worst. And it was one of these things where like, fuck, I – what do I do?

I am absolutely new to these people. They are not evil people from what I can tell. Were these people in the entertainment industry or in a different industry? No. These were regs. Okay. These were – yeah, no one was in the entertainment industry. That's different industry? No, these were regs. Okay. These were, yeah, no one was in the entertainment industry. That's what we call you, by the way, listeners.

Yeah. Hey, I just want to shout out to all you regs out there. Punching your clocks and filling your lunch boxes, sipping your coffee. It doesn't even matter. Most of our listeners are what we call entertainment insiders. Right, exactly. They subscribe to Entertainment Weekly. Exactly.

They've seen all the set pics from Doctor Strange. Yeah. They've been looking at those set pics for months. Sure, they know all about that set. Yeah. They've seen the pics. They prefer practical effects. Oh, right, exactly.

It's more real. You can touch it. Yeah. So, yeah, that was so uncomfortable and what did you do uh i who boy i hemmed and hawed and complained but i still did the did the game i still played it to its completion i guess i was thinking about what and i don't know if that was the right thing to do i still kick myself about it a little bit should i have said hey this is bad can we do something else but yeah i just was like i was just paralyzed by that i don't know these people

i'm a guy they've never met they all seem nice like everybody was very nice and like you know they didn't seem like were Were they a multicultural group? It was not completely white, but it was not. It was not. It was not mixed enough that someone who was not white would feel comfortable speaking up. Yeah, right. Exactly. Yes, exactly. I think there were a few.

And I would glance periodically to the not straight white guys in the room and they seemed fine with it and i think everybody with these games you know you kind of enter into it with a sense of you tear up that social contract yeah let's get we're just down and dirty why not i'm already wearing the lampshade so yeah and i did not i did not find any allies allies in my glancing around the room. You were looking for a single raised eyebrow or a slightly like a sideways facial expression. Yeah. And I was doing those. There's a part of me.

That call and response was not coming back. Jordan, I think you're familiar with my career ambition to appear as a guest on the television show Archer. Sure. My sole career ambition. I once visited – Mine's to own a hammock. Sorry. Okay. Great.

I guess that's not really a career thing. Although I could probably use it in my career enough to where it would be a tax write-off. Well, I mean if you got that four-hour work week or whatever it's called. Oh, yeah. You get that book and then you're just staring at your toes and you're teeny. It's true. Got to get that book and a case of Soylent

and I am good. It's probably a Rita. Yeah. I visited once upon a time the production offices of Archer. This is when they were working on, I've actually twice visited them. Again, entertainment insider. This was when they were working on the pilot of Archer, and we went to a local barbecue

joint, which of course is the thing to do when visiting a major southern city such as Atlanta. Go to the local barbecue joint. And the whole staff at lunch together played a game called Apples to Apples, which I think is similar to Cards Against Humanity. Yeah, I think it is the silly Billy version. Fun for the whole family, from what I understand.

I was terrible at it and uncomfortable playing it. Not because it was offensive, but simply because I am not that silly. I'm not sure. I'm not sure exactly what it is. And I, to this day, believe that my poor performance in that game may be the thing standing between me and a coveted cameo voice role on the FX series Archer.

Yeah. I mean, listen, I know this story because I subscribe to Entertainment Weekly. Right. Because I want to see those early set picks Jordan you're mistaken I don't mean to correct you it's not my place to correct you but I don't think that this was actually

in the Entertainment Weekly story you might have seen this on joeblo.com might have been joeblo.com oh you know what I saw this on joe blow.com it might have been joe blow.com yeah uh oh you know what i saw this on ebombs world that i made a video about it for break.com did you see that yeah yeah i mean i've seen all this stuff because i love the net oh man i was so proud of the jib jab video i made did you see that yeah It's more of an animated greeting card, but.

That's some good content in there. You got it. Yeah. I mean, apparently for his coveted role on Archer, the guy from the Americans just wowed everybody during Settlers of Catan. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I figured.

They probably have one of the expansion sets too. Yeah. More lumber. Okay. Well, our guest, the expansion sets too. Yeah. More lumber. Okay. Well, our guest Ian Carmel almost here. So let's take a break. We'll come back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goff. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la still mad about that. For answers to these questions and so much more, come on over to Pop Rocket, a pop culture roundtable show with me,

Guy Branum, Winter Mitchell, Margaret Wappler, and Oliver Wang. Catch us every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you decide to get your podcasts. I'm not gonna judge. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the monster. Okay. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It was fun when I used that last week.

I didn't keep it in the rotation. Okay. You didn't sound stoked about it. Yeah. Well, that's because I wasn't committed to my choice. I mean, that was the problem. Do you want to do it again with extra commitment? Jesse, I want you to introduce it again with extra commitment? Jesse,

I want you to introduce yourself again. I guess I just don't believe in myself. And what I want to see from you, what I want to see from you. I don't think I can do it, Jordan. I don't think I can do it. Close your eyes and think about

the most committed performers they are. People who do YouTube parody songs. Okay? Yeah, okay. Somewhere out there, there's a fucking good-looking Mormon family. Uh-huh. The dad was in theater school.

Right. Dropped out when the wife got pregnant. Yeah. But fucking a couple times a year, he wrangles the family to do a song parody. Right. He's in great shape. She's in great shape. They both have pretty good voices

their kids don't want to be there but they are right and they fucking belt out uh-huh an amazing parody uh-huh of carly ray jepson's call me maybe right called call me gravy uh-huh they fucking drop that shit just in time for thanks. Everybody forwards it. This is me. This is my family. OMG. So cute. You're committed. Jesse Thorne, introduce yourself like you are a fucking obnoxious YouTube parody family.

Can I just imagine Daniel Day-Lewis learning how to make shoes? That's fine, too. That's fine, too. Becoming a cobbler? Whatever your commitment spirit animal is. Okay. We're just going to start completely over? Yeah. It's Jordan.

Brian, cut this out. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the monster. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, our guest is here, Jordan. Mm-hmm. You know him as a stand-up comic, beloved stand-up comic. You know him as a successful television comedy writer on The Late Late Show with James Corden. His name, Ian Carmel.

Hey, I just met you. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Hey, I just ate lunch and this is crazy, but I'm still hungry. So pass that gravy. Pass that gravy is better. It's hard to eat, but I need some moisture. My mouth's so dry, so pass that gravy.

Before I had this turkey, I was so hungry, I was so hungry, I was so hungry. I don't know the rest of the song, though. That was amazingly good. Thank you. That was stunningly good. That was what they call a demonstration of value. I can't remember if that's from the book The Game or if it's from a physical theater class I took with a real-life clown. It's from the movie The Game.

You're thinking of the movie The Game. Got it. That's where it's from. Isn't that... Sean Penn actually sings that whole song. Sean Penn does, yeah. If you stay after the credits, it's Marvel style.

Correction. They're teasing another game movie that they never really got making. Correction, it's a line from the rapper The Game. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

The gritty urban rapper. Mm-hmm. Face tattoos and all. Face tattoos and all. Face tattoos and all. Formerly known as Chuck Taylor. Copyright infringement. You think Nike would have sued him? Who owns Converse, by the way?

That's a fact that some people don't like to contend with. A lot of punks who are rocking like Chuck Taylors, you know, thinking they're casting off the system. Meanwhile, Phil Knight sitting on his throne of the bones of small South Pacific children. It is a nice throne. Yeah, it is a beautiful throne.

Grotesque, sure. Absolutely. A nightmare. Grotesque in concept, but in execution and I'm not talking about when he executes the children. No, but that happens too. That does happen. That happens too.

And he does a good job. Yeah. You don't want him to unionize, you know? Take the magic out of it. The secret, you got to buff those bones. You got to buff the bones. You got to buff the bones. He does a beautiful.

There's a nice sheen on them. There's a sheen. There's a sheen. And then underneath, the bones are matte underneath. So it's more of an ornamental bone on the outside, and then the contrast is stunning. You know how they came up with that? No. On an episode of Exhibits television show, Pimp That Throne.

That was. It was Pimp That Throne. Sure. Wash the throne. Wash the throne. Wash the throne. Ian Carmel making his French and South Island. Ian, I was in our intro segment. Yes. Ian Carmel making his fresh and soft I'm doing. Here we go.

Ian, I was in our intro segment. Yes. I was teasing a story about the work bathroom. Yes. I want to ask you, what's your... Do you think jokes work yet? Oh, yes.

Can we be funny as a nation? Are people ready to laugh? This boy's election? Yeah, I think we have to. Después. Spanish. After the election. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I understand después. What was that other word? Election. It's a fun Matthew Broderick picture. Because that movie was so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we ready to laugh in the wake of the most hilarious movie?

I'm sorry. What was that word again? Election. Sorry, we don that word again? Election. Sorry, we don't work blue. Oh. Thank you. Boners. They're the best.

I love a boner. Gotta love popping a bone. I love a boner. As long as it's not in public, I'm all for it. I love getting one under the desk at work, and this is my secret. No one knows. This is for daddy.

This is daddy's boner. This one's for daddy. Ian, what are the bathrooms like at the James Corden program? Are they nice? Do you have one you prefer? Are there options? I'm going to assume that Corden himself is stanking them up. Corden himself goes and uses every bathroom as a show of power.

Every bathroom in the entire office he uses, and he makes hard eye contact as he walks out of them. Sure. That's why he has all those contact as he walks out of them. Sure. That's why he has all those 2 a.m. fajitas. Yeah, yeah. Just so he can get to work the next day and really fucking do a number. He's a man with a rigorous fajita schedule. Absolutely. They vary pretty wildly. I will tell you there are bathrooms in the guests' green rooms.

Okay. And then that's an area that you're not supposed to use. Right. But you know I do. Oh, wow. You know I do. Oh, wow. You know I do. You know I sneak in. You're in Daisy Fuentes' bathroom?

Absolutely. Exclusively, yeah. The Daisy Fuentes Memorial Green Room. Yeah. R.I.P. R.I.P. All right, rest in power, Daisy Fuentes.

Soldier gone too soon, gone but not forgotten. Pouring it out. We, there's, so there's ones in their dressing rooms. Please, God, don't take Dan Cortez for us. Yes, leave us Omar Gooding. Leave us Dan Cortez.

The world has just got so much harder to live in. Our jocks need to rock. There's different levels. There's those ones which are really nice and clean. And this is true of our bathrooms at work, and I think of men's bathrooms, and I've heard women's bathrooms, too. They're fucking awful. They're awful everywhere. That's only men's bathrooms.

People tell me women's are also gross. I think this is maybe us. I think they have different standards. That might be true, yeah. I've used women's bathrooms. I'm talking about this is the situation where I'll use a women's bathroom. There's one available. I'm hoping to assault a Republican man's wife.

Absolutely. So I put on a dress. No, this is the situation in which I will use a women's bathroom without shame. So at my therapist's office, and just for context, Ian, my therapist recently retired because I'm cured. Congratulations to both of you. At my therapist's office, there's two one-unit restrooms.

Identical in all ways in terms of fixtures. Yes. One for men, one for women. Sometimes somebody's in that men's bathroom, I got to get my brain fixed in a timely fashion. You're on the clock. You're paying for that time in the bathroom.

I'll make it. You think it's Into the Woods star James Corden? Yeah. I'll knock. That's what I know him from. I'll knock on that lady's room, say, excuse me, anyone in there? Just to double check. Absolutely. Hearing silence, if the door is unlocked, I will go ahead and use that lady's bathroom.

And I will do that in any context, including in public. I have this giant beard. And I will do that in any context, including in public. I have this giant beard. So I don't – I feel like – especially since I have grown the beard, I feel like it is almost as though it is more appropriate for me to do this because I am not trying to trick anyone. You're clearly not trying to sneak one past the goalie. Exactly. So I will do that.

And women's bathrooms are always nicer. Your frame of reference is a like a medical facility. Yeah. The men's bathroom, I imagine, is also clean. Well, to be fair, where my therapist had his office in Burbank, there was also the New York Film Academy. To really test this high path. Yeah. What is that? Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. High path? I'm sorry. Election. You got to go to like- What is that? Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. High path?

I'm sorry. Election. Oh, okay. I got it. I'm following. I'm following. You got to go to like- Jordan has a lot of graduated cylinders.

We established that before you got here. Yeah, I have a big collection of graduated cylinders. He's got a few beakers too. Dude, that's where your money's all tied up in cylinders. Big science. Big science nerd over here. To really test this, you have to go to like a Buffalo Wild Wings. Oh, my God.

Oh, right. You have to go to a place where the baseline bathroom situation is foul. Uh-huh. And to see which – to see if that's true because I'm guessing that both these bathrooms you're in, you know, up in the burbs. With a BW3. Yeah. That's Buffalo Wild Wings and WEC. Yeah.

I think that this – And WEC. And then like Beef WEC? Yeah. Like that. Yeah. That's why it's BW3. That was the original concept for Buffalo Wild Wings. That's why people call it BW3. Is that true? That's true. That's true. That's true. A lot of people don for Buffalo Wild Wings. That's why people call it B-Dub 3.

Is that true? That's true. That's true. That's true. A lot of people don't know about WECC. Yeah. I just learned it within the last two years, and I'm a full-grown adult. Yeah.

World traveler. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Congratulations on visiting Buffalo. I went in early December. Not ideal. Did you try the WECC? I did try the WECC.

How was the WECC? I loved the WECC. I couldn't get enough of the Weck. Honestly, the wings, I was like, enough of you. You can get you in any city. I focused on the Weck. Just a quick question. Now, I love buffalo wings. It's maybe my favorite food.

How are the buffalo wings in Buffalo? You said they paled in comparison to the Weck. I prefer... It wasn't even a paling in comparison. The Weck I enjoyed and I was like, okay, it's kind of like a French dip, but you can't really – you never see Weck on the menu. You're not in Grand Rapids or Beaverton, Oregon or Yakima, Washington. Sure. And you're like, oh, I wonder if the Weck here is good.

They never even have the Weck. But you can get Chick wings almost anywhere. Sure. Including really good ones here in Los Angeles. Have you been to Pok Pok? Oh, I have been to Pok Pok. They do a nice job. Ooh, the chicken wings at Pok Pok.

They do a nice job. Shout out to Pok Pok. When are we going to Beyonce's chicken restaurant? We got invited to that. Yeah, sure. What is Beyonce's chicken restaurant? Beyonce's tour chef opened a wing restaurant. It's called Love Baked Wings.

Oh, on Melrose. And it's really tasty. I didn't know that. Okay. It's on my way home.ings. Oh, on Melrose. And it's really tasty. I didn't know that. Okay. It's on my way home. Pretend like you haven't eaten there yet. I've already told them I've eaten there. I communicate with the Twitter account pretty regularly.

Is it a really good wing? They do a nice job. Somebody there who's a Jordan Jesse Go fan knows about our interest in wings. Do they? Good wings, great sides. Oh, I love a good side. A lot of good side options there. What's their best side, in your opinion?

There's a sweet carrot. Oh, yeah. Like a glazed carrot. And it is nice. See, you need the chicken. It's a nice option. If the chicken wing is going to be a fiery lead singer along the lines of a Beyonce,

you need those sides to be kind of cool customers laying in the background. You got to have a cool solange. Yeah, absolutely. A solange. Yeah. You can up the rear. Absolutely. A solange. A solange really does sound like something cool.

It does. Like a solange sounds like a dessert you'd get somewhere that had – that would be a sorbet involved. That's after dinner solange. Can I introduce you to a solange? Oh, I couldn't. I'll look at the menu. I'll look at the menu.

We probably won't get anything, but I'll look at the menu. If I may refocus away from wings. I mean, I know that wings are a fruitful subject. Absolutely. Meatful, at least. Fiery subject. And I appreciate this weck discussion. The entire time inside my head, I was saying, wick, wick, weck.

But I want to- Of course, there's that Keanu Reeves movie, John Weck. John Weck. People are saying I'm weck. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm weck. Of course, there's that Keanu Reeves movie, John Weck. John Weck. People are saying I'm Weck. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm Weck. I need to get back to the bathroom situation. Oh, yeah. Sure.

So this is what I think. I think that at Buffalo Wild Wings, you are facing a sporting event-like situation, which is to say that at any given Buffalo Wild Wings, 70% of the people there are men and 30% women. Certainly, there are many women who like to visit Buffalo Wild Wings. Of course. But any restaurant where the top attraction is the number of televisions showing sporting events, it's going to be more men than women. Yeah, probably.

And I think that that plays itself out in the bathrooms. So I think that you will find it's not necessarily a fair comparison because you have 40% more men in that men's bathroom than you have women in the women's bathroom. Well, where are we going to get a good sample then? Because I think you're right. I think both of these cases are extreme. You know, you've got a doctor's office type facility that, you know, it's probably cleaned

pretty regularly. You know, people are respectful. Right. When they're in a, you know, they're not in a, they're not in a fuck it mood when they're there. Right. So where can we look to where people are in a fuck it mood, but we have relatively similar numbers of men and women coming in and out? Costco. Oh, fuck.

Wow. That's right. You're right. It's probably a Costco because people are kind of a fuck. They go in excited. Sure. But by the time the samples weren't what they thought they were going to be. Yeah.

They never are, by the way. It's just a bagel dog. It's just a bagel dog. You're always chasing. You go in once and they have like a little mini pizza and you're always chasing that experience. It's never there. Where's the mini quiche?

I would love a mini quiche under any circumstances. Real talk though, guys. Yeah, sure. Those pot stickers are pretty good. I do love the pot stickers. Those frozen pot stickers from Costco. I love the pot stickers. Those are pretty good. That's a pretty solid pot sticker. Kirkland does a good pot stickers are pretty good. I do love the pot stickers. Those frozen pot stickers from Costco, those joints are pretty good. That's a pretty solid pot sticker.

Kirkland does a good pot sticker. And a good tire. It's their signature. Yeah, right, exactly. It's their signature pot sticker. Why John Kirkland does not put his signature on anything other than that? He will not. He's at the factory. He's at so many different factories every single day. Why isn't that Costco

food area where you get your $1.50 hot dog? Why is there no wings? That seems like a prime place. You should be able to get 25 wings for $2.99. If that. Well, I'm guessing, you know, that Costco

food area, ease of preparation is probably key. Right. So you're going to get a chicken bake. Chicken bake. Something you can warm up. I bet they don't want to have deep fryers there. Right. So, you know, and I think the pizzas that they're serving are the Costco pizzas that

you can get. It's being heated up. They're heating it up. Hot dogs. They're on that treadmill situation. Sure. Just waiting for you. You know how you get those rotisserie chickens?

Yeah. Let's put some wings over there. Over in that corner of the store. In that area. That's not a bad idea. In waiting for you. You know how you get those rotisserie chickens? Yeah. Let's put some wings over there. Over in that corner of the store. Yeah, in that area. That's not a bad idea. In the rotisserie chicken area. But I, yeah, but where are you eating these? At the little tables?

In my car. Yeah. In my car. Just have them between your knees while you're driving. Between my knees wearing a thing that I'm going to pitch to you guys as an investment opportunity right now. Let's hear it. A bib with a blue cheese pocket on it.

Oh, yeah. For wing eating while you're driving. So it's a bib that protects your shirt, but also there's a little cup just sitting there in the bib so you can dip the wing in it, eat it. Can I get matching ones for baby and dada? Absolutely. Baby and dada.

Babies love blue cheese. Oh, it's dad's day to cook. What are we going to eat? It's because you're playing on these sexist stereotypes of men and women and their roles in society. We're all sexist. We're trying to move some product here. We're not trying to change the world. Exactly.

Yeah, that's the commercial. You got to sell people something they're familiar with already, such as sexism. Such as sexism. People love it. Men's bathrooms – we need to all get out. There needs to be a national conversation about what the etiquette in men's bathrooms is regarding a couple different things. This is something I'm passionate about. One is if you're going to use –

You've been so low-key thus far. I'm glad we finally get on one of your passions. You get fired up. This is sort of me at coasting speed. Toilets. If you're going to pee in a toilet with a seat on it, not a urinal, not a trough, not a hole in the ground, a toilet with a seat on it, lift that seat. Yeah, who are you?

There are a lot of people in the world just peeing, trying to use that gap on the seat, you know, that tiny little gap, trying to get their pee to just fall in there. And that seat gap got installed because people were trying to pee into the hole in the inner hole of the seat. Who are you? Lift the seat up. Grab some toilet paper if you're squeamish and use that to do it. But people are peeing all over these seats and then they're just like, and now I'm done. And now all we can do is pray. And they just walk out and there's splatters of piss all over the toilet seat.

Sure, little dots. And you got to go in. So you have to make a bowel movement. Maybe you had a fajita at 2 a.m. the other night. The old Gordon special? The old Gordon special. And it's time for you to do what God put you on this earth to do. You've already locked eyes.

So you go in there to poop, you know, and there's piss all over the seat. And now it's on you to clean up someone else's piss. And is it enough just to wipe the pee with a thing or do you have to put one of those weird paper things on top? Oh, I hate those. I don't even do the paper things. I hate the feeling of that on my bare bottom. It's so much grosser than whatever diseases I'm getting transdermally. So that's bathroom issue number one.

That's number one. If you're going to pee in there, lift the seat. I think we can all get behind that. Lift the damn seat. Right. This is basic shit. This is basic shit. You'd think it would be.

Right. Raised by wolves, for God's sake. The second one is conversation. Yeah. I'm a hardline no conversation in the bathroom man. Yeah, don't chat with me. I don't want to talk to anybody. Can I address the thing that's worse than conversation in the bathroom?

Talking on the cellular phone in the bathroom? Oh my God. What kind of sicko are you? Does the other person know? Secretly peeing while you continue a conversation with a sales representative so that's maybe what that's maybe probably leading to some of our this is probably these problems are probably related oh my god so so the people who are talking on their phone you don't want to pee right onto the water because you're the splashing so you're probably

trying to pee around the rim so you know right pee on porcelain is much quieter than pee in water. It's whisper quiet. So these people are talking and they're peeing around the rims. They're splashing up onto the seat. And they're so busy. They're so engrossed in this phone call. Uh-huh. Like reverse the charges, Carol.

You know, they don't even think to they don't even think to leave. Operator. Representative. Speak with a representative. Right. And they're just getting so frustrated. I don't even think to leave operator representative speak with a representative right and they're just getting so frustrated pennsylvania six five thousand i don't have my routing number operator so they don't even think to lean maybe why are they carrying around one of those phones with a horn that you're talking to and a thing that you hold up to your ear. Klondike 5. Yeah.

Are those all your bathroom issues? No, there's more. There's more. But I will say, as far as the phone conversation goes, you know how in California, if you're recording a conversation, the person has to be aware that you're recording. You have to be like, by the way, I'm going to record this conversation. You should have to tell the person you're on the phone with, I am going to walk into a bathroom. Sure.

And through my penis or whatever genitalia you have. Right. Get rid of some of this liquid. Yeah. You should have to tell them that. I think that's true. And it should be illegal as shit on the phone with anyone. Yeah.

Illegal. Sure. Illegal. What do you think? Jail? Fine? Prison? First offense.

First offense, a fine. Yeah. Not to exceed $250,000. Okay. That's good. Second. Judge's discretion. Judge's discretion. Not to exceed $250,000. Okay. Second. Judge's discretion. Judge's discretion. Not to exceed $250,000.

And second time, absolutely, mandatory jail time. Not prison. We're not talking two years or greater. But this is six months work release. Okay. Yeah. I'm glad we got that all out there. It seems all very legally binding.

The third one, if I may. Or did you have something? Go ahead. The third one, people I may. You may. Go ahead. The third one, people sometimes – I was in a bathroom the other day. No sword fighting. No sword fighting. You're an adult now. I'm pro sword fighting, but no conversation beforehand.

It has to be an eye contact thing. An unspoken. You have to slap someone with your glove. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, right, exactly. Letting him know that you have offended his honor. Yes, a glove which you have just coughed into because of your consumption. People make – I was in a bathroom at a bar the other day.

Not even a bar, like a bar restaurant. It was like 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. I don't think anyone was there. The person next to me peeing was making such a bizarre battery of noises that it distracted – I couldn't go until they left because this guy was like peeing next to me. He was just like, oh. And like I get that as an opening salvo. Maybe you make the one noise you're relieved. But this person continued it throughout the entire.

Maybe they were on the phone. They might have been on the phone. It was a Bluetooth. It was a Bluetooth. There was a sex line operator. Hi, honey. Are you there? Okay, good.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. All right. I love you. Yeah.

I love you. He was just making so many noises. Good luck on deployment. Yeah. Operator. Please be safe. He was just making so many noises. I don't have my routing number.

Yeah, I don't... I don't have it. Maybe that's their, like, their access code at their bank. Yeah. It's just a series of near-orgasmic runs. Maybe they're connecting

to a bulletin board using a modem. Yeah. Yeah. He was just making so many noise. It just really, really bummed me out. And I think –

Lock it down. You're saying one exclamatory noise, a brief – Fine. Fine. Like they say – like the FCC said when Bono said, oh, fuck. Yeah. It's a fleeting exclamation or something like that. Yeah, a fleeting exclamation is fine.

A signifier that you're relieved to finally be peeing is great. I don't need this running commentary. Right. So, okay. So I just want to be clear. Yes. Because I don't want to go to jail. Okay.

I don't want you to go to jail. I don't need that. I do want to go to jail, but I need to know the rules so that I can. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both sides of the aisle. You can make an opening gr can. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Both sides of the aisle. You can make an opening grunt. Yes.

Then, you know, finish up silently. Yes, three seconds or less. And after you're done, can you say, I'm a big boy? Yes, absolutely. If you are a big boy. Well, I mean, I went pee-pee in the potty. So, yeah, I think I'm a big boy. Yeah, I think I'm a big boy. Your pants still have to be around your ankles when you say it. Oh, sure. Well, I mean, I went pee-pee in the potty. So, yeah, I think I'm a big boy. Yeah, I think I'm a big boy.

Your pants still have to be around your ankles when you say it. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pants and underwear fully gathered around your ankles. Number one. My He-Man underoos. Number one, you're getting braggy. Number two, we know you go pee-pee in the potty.

Number three, we know you're a big boy. We've seen your star chart. Okay? Yeah. There's a lot of gold stars on there, and we know what those mean. Well, some are for chores. Okay. Some are for chores.

Okay. So here's my work bathroom situation. Yeah. A couple weeks back, I talked about, so we have a lot of bathroom options where I work. Okay. Some are far nicer than others. I found a nice bathroom in an adjacent building. Is it on the Price is Right set?

Yes, exactly. Wait, do you work at Television City? No, I don't. I work at Hollywood Center Studios. Oh, because of the Price is Right set. Just what Hollywood lot do you work at? That's all right. Is it a movie lot?

I only work at Sunset Gower. Lot humor. We finally managed to find a more alienated local subject than the Grove. Yeah. You guys ever try to park at Sony? Forget it. Oh, my God. Forget it, folks.

Oh, I'm a visitor? Why are you mistreating your visitors by making the park on five? God. Okay, I was about to actually get into that. Go ahead, keep talking. Yeah, that really resonated with me, too. I go there sometimes for screenings.

There's an adjacent building to ours that has a beautiful bathroom. Yeah. Not only is it pristine, not often others in it. Always smells nice because nobody's been using it. Yeah. But they got a speaker. They're piping in 92.3 The Wave.

Which- You mean- The Wave. That's the one. More local references. wave which you mean the way that's the one and it more local reference don't get started on knx 1070 news radio who wants to talk um this is a beautiful easy listening station yeah just makes for a wonderful soundtrack to you know a, a 5-5-30 number two. Absolutely. So I go in my, you know, my fortress of solitude,

and they are playing fucking Christmas music. No. Oh, wow. I don't know if this is the Wave's decision. I don't know. I don't casually listen to the Wave. I only listen to it while pooping. It's President Trump, actually.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, President-elect is that was that one of his mandates first mandate yeah was christmas music in all bathrooms 100 days of office yeah radio playing non-seasonal music sad period yeah uh i mean i guess that will help amer America put the Christ back in Christmas. Yeah. So I don't know. And I don't love Christmas music. I'm fine with it. I'm not one of those types. Right.

But especially while I'm having a poop. Yes. I don't know. It's not how I want to feel. I want to hear some Phil Collins-era Genesis. You know? Right. That's part of the all to feel. I want to hear some Phil Collins-era Genesis, you know? Right. That's part of the allure that brought you to that bathroom in the first place. So I was complaining about this to some coworkers.

I prefer more progressive Genesis, but go ahead. Sure. Well, you love time signatures. Yeah. Whereas I prefer the Genesis from the Lord's Bible. So I would love this bathroom. Sure. And Brian out there prefers the Sega Genesis.

We all have a different Genesis. And so I was talking to a coworker about this, and I'm like, oh, hey, you know that bathroom where they're always playing the music? He's like, oh, they're putting on Christmas music in there now. He's like, oh, my God, that's too bad. Yeah, I don't want to listen to Christmas music. And I'm like, yeah, I prefer the easy listening that they usually have.

And he's like, wait, what? Like, it's the easy listening that they usually have he's like wait what like it's the easy listening you play of you know the wave on he's like every time i've been in there they've played guns and roses appetite for destruction what it's like it's like another like we're going through a dimensional gate do you think you're being gas lit somehow i don't know what's happening is there somebody watching like and picking just looking at you and picking a personal soundtrack like there's a dj yeah just like sitting outside of it like i know what the dial dial this up for this guy yeah yeah yeah playing the weck soundtrack yeah i love it when will smith used to uh rap about his meals absolutely and the plots of the movies he was in. Parents just don't understand which.

There were some cuts, yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, sure. Nightmare on my beef. Yeah, Nightmare on my beef. Yeah. And of course. Just the two of us.

Yeah, what's the Will and Ian pun? Points. All right. So, yeah. So, not only is this bathroom playing Christmas music, but also, this guy has had So yeah So not only is this bathroom playing Christmas music But also this guy has had a totally different experience In this same bathroom Yeah I think that they're

I think Ian's got the right idea here I think that they've hired Oh sorry, Wellenny, yum Oh yeah, it was right there I think that they have hired an experienced curator. Someone, the reason that this bathroom is so nice is that someone is mixing, and if I may, remixing. Oh, yeah. The elements into what I call a mashup.

Like from the movie Pitch Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. They're curating your experience as you go into Dine. It's weird because there was that one time I went in and it was just- I said Dine. It was Anna Kendrick smacking some cups around. Yeah, absolutely.

She was doing it with a toilet paper roll. And I want to be clear that this person bears animus towards you, Jordan. This person dislikes you, so they're trying to drive you mad. Yeah. I don't know that I would... Yeah. Well, maybe they're also trying to do that to my coworker. I don't know how I would feel about pooping to appetite for destruction.

That'd be a tough thing to do. I mean, that's so much juice. You don't feel like that would get you into what you might call your power pose? I don't think so. I think it would stress me out. I think it would cause me to clench. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Your window would close. It would make me feel like pooping in the jungle. It's not just fun and games in there. There's tigers. And they are watching you poop. The Mr. Brownstone part might, you know, we've been dancing with Mr. Brownstone. That would kind of get you in the mood for it.

Yeah, maybe that would be good. Because of the brown part, which is the color of poop. Oh, boy, it sure brown, stop. That would kind of get you in the mood for it. Yeah, maybe that would be good. Because of the brown part, which is the color of poop. Oh, boy, it sure is, buddy. For the people listening at home, poop is brown. You got that right, Ace. Boy, howdy. You do a lot of sound effects on this show, right? We drop them in later.

So after every funny thing we've said, Austin Powers will go, yeah, baby. Oh, fantastic. My wife. But is Austin Powers saying my wife? Austin Powers saying my wife. It's Austin Powers doing a Borat impression. Jordan, to be fair, that is not Austin Powers. That is the love guru.

The love guru is saying my wife in as close to a Borat voice as he can get. But in full Love Guru regalia. Yes. Yeah. I would love a morning radio show that just played drops from lesser Mike Myers movies. So I married an axe murderer. His role is that advisor in Inglourious Bastards.

Yeah. Right. What about the documentary he made about his manager? Oh, Superman. Shep? Yeah. He had any dialogue? I forget what it was.

Yeah. He's in it. He's interviewed in it, isn't he? Mike Myers? Mike Myers interviews himself for his own documentary that he directed. So there's probably some drops you can throw into your morning radio show from that. I feel like that anytime you're directing a documentary, you don't get to be one of the interview subjects. No.

You'd be like, you know what? I need a shot of this and you just sit in front of the camera and do it you know what i like it the most i think michael rapaport did it perfectly it beats rhymes in life the tribe called quest documentary you don't have to tell me what michael rapaport's tribe called quest documentary is called just for the people listening at home poop is brown michael rapaport made documentary. This is everything you need to know. You don't see him at all, but you hear him a couple times asking questions. Yeah. And he left that in.

Just the artist hiding his signature in the painting. Plus, he did include, Avenger style, after the credits. Yeah. His part of Jay-Z's City is Mine video. Oh, did he? I never stayed to watch after the credits. Yeah. His part of Jay-Z's City is Mine video. Where Jay-Z says, thank you very much, Agent Rappaport. And then Blackstreet goes, you belong to the city. Really? You belong to the night.

They do do that, but it's not in the Tribe Called Quest documentary. You should keep saying that. Weird. Oh, what? Is it on Fade to Black? What is it on? In the city of darkness. It's a music video with Michael Rappaport. I haven't seen it. I'm not familiar with it. I feel like I've let you down. I was

flipping around. It's great. Jay-Z and Michael Rappaport getting a big argument. In this music video? In the music video. In the music video for that song. It's a setup. Michael Rapaport is like an FBI agent who's trying to pressure Jay-Z into spilling the beans. But guys, Jay-Z's not going to spill the beans. The city is his.

Jay-Z's not turning states. Is he Jay-Z in this music video? Yeah. Huh. So he's playing himself. As a rapping drug dealer. Oh, okay. And then Blackstreet are on top of a tall building in ditty suits making grand gestures

and sing, we belong to the city. How many people are in Blackstreet? You belong to the night. Four? Four? I was going to say four. I think four. Yeah, yeah.

What is it? Every now and then in rap videos, people just be on top of buildings. Just in any music video. Just get up there. My favorite one is Busta Rhymes in the victory video. Oh. Just perched on the side of a building in a storm like a gargoyle.

Do you think now with drone technology, we'll have more building top shots? Seems like those would be easier to get these days. I think we will at first, and then people will be so unimpressed with it that we'll get a lot more sewer stuff where drones can't go. Oh. Yeah.

That'll be the new what's up. Sure. Yeah. They're actually making music videos for all of the songs from that video of the Teenage Ninja Turtles national tour of malls. Oh, great. Making them in sewers. Yeah.

Can drones not go in sewers? I suppose they can. Yeah. It's just who wants to get them down there? It would be hard to get it down there. It would be tough. Yeah. It's too low for a drone.

Drone spawning. Morally. Yeah. They're about to soar. Yeah. Speaking of the post-credits tease, a few months ago I was flipping around and I caught the end of the Gem in the Holograms movie on HBO. That was on HBO. HBO went ahead and bought that, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Throw it up there. And I noticed it because our Flophouse buddies, Flophouse the Bad Movie podcast, had goofed on it in a recent episode. Yeah, they're very funny. So this is the last 10 minutes of the Gem in the Holograms movie. Do you remember the cartoon from- I do.

Yeah. I remember when they made the movie, too. I didn't see it. No. I think no one did. I think it has some sort of weird record for lowest grossing wide release or something like that. It was directed by the director of that Justin Bieber documentary. Am I remembering that correctly?

I don't know. I think that's true. Sounds about right. Yeah, that sounds like what you get when you direct a successful Bieber documentary. Yeah. Do you know the cartoon? Are you familiar? I watched a lot of it as a kid, but I don't remember anything about it except that they

were a kind of new wave band yeah they were a they were a there was a computer they had a computer friend they had a computer friend uh fun new wave band i think they all everybody dressed like you know kind of a starman era david bowie right that was the aesthetic uh and they they their enemies were a kind of punk group called the Misfits. Yeah, I remember that. So from what I understand, the Misfits are not in the movie proper. Uh-huh. Post-credits come around.

That first batch of credits. And there's Glenn Danzig. Exactly. In a pretty little dress. exactly in a pretty little dress so the fucking credit that first you know batch of credits ends cut to black camera comes back up again and you're in a you're in a like a subway tunnel you know where drones can't go right right right right and there's a there's a like a crashed subway car and then boom you see the misfits and a couple of them are famous i forget who it was but i remember going oh these are the misfits just justin long just yeah it feels like justin long

it's uh yeah it's justin long yeah it's uh tim blake nelson yeah Dule Hill yeah Dule Hill and Wiz Khalifa and Wiz Khalifa I mean I knew we all did our dream Misfits casting a couple years ago and we never thought

they would do it and they did they landed the plane I forget who exactly played the Misfits Michael Clark Duncan that's the name I was trying to remember

that entire time the Misfits are girls canonically and they were girls in the movie. Right. Young women. And I forget who exactly was. I'm like, oh, these are kind of names they're getting to play these Misfits.

And, you know, they're like, all right, I hear there's this band called Gem and the Holograms. We're going to get them. Boom. Rest of the credits. There's a post-credits scene for a movie that was the lowest grossing movie of all time that will never get a sequel. Yeah, that's great. It's so...

I bet those misfits were so excited to get cast as that. That's cruel. They thought they were jumping into a franchise. Hell, fucking, I bet they were talking about a misfit spinoff movie. Yes. Gossip Girl was probably one of them. It was probably Gossip Girl. Yeah.

It was probably Gossip Girl. Anyway, so even though I forgot who you were, movie misfits. Babe was supposed to be a trilogy, Jordan. Oh, no. Fucking sometimes fate is cruel. Pig in the City went so far off book. That shit is so hot. It's the hotness.

They went so, I mean, it just got real weird. It got too whimsical. They were like, what if Babe was even better? Keep it on the farm, Babe. If they would have kept the whole trilogy on the farm, make the city come to them. That's how you do it. Keep it on the farm. Now, city folks are coming to the farm.

Farmer Hoggett calls up the city and invites it over? Yeah. Like the Department of Water and Power? Who's he speaking to? He needs to make a little extra scratch so it becomes a sort of pumpkin patch corn maze situation. All these people who don't respect the farm come over.

So is the killer dog from Babe Pig in the City, is that in the corn maze? Yes, but he gets brought out. He's got these owners. This guy won't get off his cell phone, real jackass,

and growing his kid. You know what I mean? His kid ends up befriending Babe and the two of them. What are we talking about? Preps or yups? Oh, yups.

These are yups. Yeah, but that's preps but uh it's mainly yups talking on their car phone and their bmw convertible exactly another type can i take a minute to talk to some over-the-top streaming services hey over-the-top streaming services yeah netflix yeah hulu yeah amazon prime sure crackle yeah Netflix. Yeah. Hulu. Yeah. Amazon Prime. Sure. Crackle. Yeah. Sure. PlayStation View. Yeah. CISO? CISO. CISO.

Hey, CISO, you out there? Yeah. CISO? DiscoveryChannelKids.org. There you go. The gas station channel? Yes. Hey, you out there?

Channel that plays in the gas station pub? It's real. It's about time you got into the original content business. Yeah. Why not fucking take some of this nostalgia we're creating in here. You make that gem sequel about the misfits. Oh, wow. You make that third Babe movie where he goes back to the farm.

It could even be called Babe 3, Back to the Farm. Back to the Farm. And? You make Bullseye Buds, the movie about how- You guys go to a cabin. Yeah. There you go. Boom. Make Air Buds.

Yeah. Air Buds. The one where the dog blazes guns. Nothing in the rule book saying a dog can't get high. Air Bud, where it's Jane Eyre. Yeah. She plays basketball. But she's also fucking big. we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica

instead of door busting for a plasma tv this black Friday, how about you stay in and snag the best deal of all, MaxFunCon 2017 tickets. MaxFunCon West returns to Lake Arrowhead next June, and MaxFunCon East is back in the Poconos next September. Tickets for both go on sale Friday, November 25th, and they're going to sell out fast. So mark your calendars and visit MaxFunCon.com on November 25th to secure your spot. Max Fun Con, way more fun than a smartwatch or whatever. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, boy detective. And this is Ian Carmel, 1988's Columbia Gorge windsurfing champion. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Congratulations. It was a great year for windsurfing. It was big. I was sort of the peak of it, you know. And then I got into drugs and it was just so fun.

That was a good gorge year. It was a good gorge, gorge year. Yeah. Gorge short for gorgeous. Of course. I want to mention. I do want to know what color poop is though. Bram, bram.

Bram, bram. Bram, bram. I would like to mention a couple of live events coming up. Please. First of all, I am in Chicago this very week as part of the Chicago Podcast Festival alongside Lady to Lady. I will be doing my

NPR program, Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Our guests, Dwayne Kennedy, one of the funniest stand-up comics in the world. So funny.

So funny. So funny. Honest, so funny. Yeah. We got an interview with Andre Royo. Yeah, that's Bubbles from the Wire.

We got music from Split Andre Royo. Yeah, that's Bubbles from The Wire. We got music from Split Single. Yeah, that features members of Super Chunk and the Bob Mould Band. And it's going to be an extravaganza. That is this Thursday evening, the week that this show goes out, at the Chicago Podcast Festival. Tickets still available. Okay? Get real, people. Tickets still available.

They're going to be, you're going to pay way more for them on StubHub. You got it. If you don't act now. You don't want to pay those StubHub prices. Don't you do it. Max Fun Con and Max Fun Con East tickets go on sale the day after Thanksgiving. So get ready for that. We're coming back to the Poconos, back to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. But more than that, I want to highlight Jordan Jesse Goh as part of Very, Very Fun Day, MaximumFun.org's first ever one-day podcasting festival in Chicago, Illinois.

We're going to be at a beautiful venue called Thalia Hall. It's going to be Jordan Jesse Goh, Judge John Hodgman, Tights and Fights, The Flophouse, Stop Podcasting Yourself, plus local shows, a stand-up comedy showcase with our friend Graham Clark and Daniel Radford from Tights and Fights. There is going to be meet and greets and Q&As. It is going to be 12 hours of podcast spectacularity. So get your cocaine now. Yes. I want to be up for this. The Flophouse are going to be showing a movie.

We haven't licensed the movie yet, so I can't tell you what it is. But I can say that last time we licensed a movie for them, Superman IV, The Quest for Peace, was unavailable. Oh, no. we licensed a movie for them. Superman IV, The Quest for Peace, was unavailable due to an exclusivity window for Batman vs. Superman that has since closed. The window is closed. So that window is closed, that window of exclusivity. We are now

free to license Superman IV, The Quest for Peace. Though you can't say if you have or haven't. No, we have not licensed anything yet. It could be Bratz. I hope it's Bratz. Now I want it to be Bratz. I want it to be both movies. There's a lot of good options. That's the point.

But it's going to be an extravaganza. All of those shows under one roof, plus Q&As and all kinds of fun stuff. It's going to be a blast. And tickets are on sale now. Okay? On sale now. There are regular tickets that get you into everything.

There are VIP tickets that get you into everything. Plus a reserved seat in the VIP balcony. Plus a poster and a tote bag and a VIP lanyard. And a single kiss. What do they call that? Not a lot of lanyard. A placard. A placard. The lanyard holds the a single kiss. What do they call that? Not a lot of lanyard. A placard. A placard.

The lanyard holds the placard. Yeah. Hmm. A badge. Could be. You know the thing I'm talking about. One of those things. It says VIP on it.

Yeah. There's also wolf tickets, which get you into a mid-'90s hip-hop show. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And there are even some opera boxes, which you can purchase at the price of one box, that also come with a poster autographed by everybody. On Earth.

All humans. Even the bad ones. A lot of the bad ones, too. And a visit from some Max Fund personalities to your box. Oh, boy. Coming up to say hello to you on your territory in your private box. That's how classy you are. That's really fun.

That's a fun little experience. And can I say this? Yeah. It's a steal at twice the price. You got it. Maximumfun.org slash veryveryfunday is where you can find more information. Hey, Jordan, if I went to very, Very Fun Day in Chicago this February, would it – what type of – I guess I'm just wondering,

what type of occasion would it be? Well, I mean, it would certainly be momentous. Well, then I guess it would qualify for our signature segment, Momentous Occasions. That's the one. And that whoever goes should call 206-9844-FUN to share a momentous occasion with us, as this person has. Hi, this is Jelena from Toronto calling with a moment of shame. I was giving a big presentation for my job, and I connected my laptop to the wire and had everything set up to open it and just have everything that was on my screen pop up on the big screen for everyone for some reason and I hooked it up I opened my screen and there was Netflix recently watched Shrek 2, Shrek 1

and Shrek 3 so that was pretty embarrassing everyone thought it was cute so luckily I did okay but just make sure you don't do that get em get em get em why'd she watch them

out of order? why did she go to maybe she did 3, one, two? At what point do you think she watched Puss in Boots? Yeah. Where does Puss in Boots fall on the Shrek timeline, I wonder? It's actually a sequel to Babe Pig in the City. Yeah.

Oh, okay. It's not recognized as canon. Sure. Yeah. It's an Elseworlds babe movie. Oh, I guess I'm trying to think about how the Netflix recently watched. So maybe she watched three. And she's like, oh, love the three.

I got to see how they got here. Yeah. And then she watched one and two. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Has your Netflix gone from trying to help you to actively confusing and upsetting you? Yeah. I like the Netflix service.

There's a lot of good stuff on there. But yeah, the recommendations thing is just, it's just shit now. It used to try and show you things that you would like to watch. Now all it wants me to watch is that Ashton Kutcher show. Oh, so bad, ranch. I'm not interested.

No, I'm not. I wish him the best. Yes. I don't. Good luck with your tech investments, sir. Health and wealth. Sure. Yeah, no the netflix agenda with uh pushing its uh uh all over the place quality wise original programming is there

anything with a wider range of quality like it's crazy and you go into a category and you're moving to the right you're on the third thing and it's projecting that you will give this one out of five stars. Just don't show that one to me. Yeah. And yeah, there are times when I am looking for the original programming, but it is hidden behind

nine Ashton Kutcher things and eight documentaries about how Legos are made or something like that. I would like to know how Legos are made. I mean, you gotta figure it's an injection molding process, right? One can only hope. A Nordic one.

A Nordic injection. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, the two examples I can think of are there are times when I find it's hard to find the Kimmy Schmidt and the Black Mirror, which are the two top things to watch on Netflix. Why would you hide the Kimmy Schmidt? Do they not know about Pinot Noir?

It's like they don't. They should have a category on Netflix that's just called 27 Perfect Jokes. Sure. And all that's in there is Kimmy Schmidt. Yeah. Do they have 30 Rock? They have the rights to 30 Rock, too. They have 30 Rock, too.

Yeah. And then remember Stoop Crone? They know you're looking for it, so they don't have to put it out there. Yeah. Maybe that's it. They don't have to put it out there. I'm a motivated buyer. I didn't even consider that.

It's like, oh, he'll be fucking around trying to find this for a little while. We might as well try and tempt him with some Kuchar. They want you to watch the Kuchar. They want you to watch the Joe Rogan comedy special. Sure. All this stuff. What? His terrifying bald head.

He's a scary man. Staring at me like, I know how to beat you up. I'm your podcast rival and I can take you. Like, I know. I would kill up. I'm your podcast rival and I can take you. Like I know – I would kill you and not feel bad. Not even because he would have done so much acid afterwards that he contextualized it in a way that made it okay. He does look like – I mean I know he's supposed to be enlightened and everything. But he looks like he would force like mushrooms down your throat.

Yeah. I don't know what he would do. Scream Ram Dass at you. Can I tell you a beating people up story? Sure. Like mushrooms down your throat. Yeah. I don't know what he would do. Scream Ram Dass at you. Can I tell you a beating people up story? Sure. I had a meeting with Lexi Alexander, the director of Punisher War Zone. Sure. But also a former world outspoken feminist and anti-racist and also a former world karate champion.

Wow. She is a Palestinian-German and perhaps the single most amazing person I've ever met in my life. So an enemy of the Jews. No, I'm just joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. All of the Palestinians. Germans, give me a couple years.

So she – yeah, I'll give you a ring in 2025. The alt-right is opposed to her outspoken feminism and anti-racism. How do they feel about Punisher Warzone? Yes. I know. That's what their deepest – that must be their deepest moral quandary is they love the hyper-stylized super violence of Punisher Warzone, just like Patton Oswalt does, but they can't deal with her outspoken feminism and anti-racism.

So they, at one point, were threatening to dox her. And she was telling me about this. She was saying that they were threatening to dox her, which is to say put out all her personal information on the internet. And she said she had to look up what doxing was. And then she said to me,

so I told them, go ahead and put my address on the internet and come over to my house so I can punch you into face. I love her. She was amazing. Okay, let's take another call hey jordan hey jesse impossible guest i'm calling from savannah i was just calling you with a little bit of a

moment of occasion my wife makes a little bit more money these days so we decided to buy ourselves a new home and uh we just sold our house and so we got a moving pod and put it in the driveway and after about four hours pretty hefty labor tonight, we started moving everything out to the pod. And after we opened up the pod, we got a shelf in and about a couple hundred pounds of books in. When we were in there moving a freezer and it dislodged itself and started rolling down the driveway with us in it. So we put it in my car that it smashed into, stopped it from rolling all the way with us in it. It was my car that it smashed into. Stopped it from rolling all the way out into the street. But now my means of going to work tomorrow is a little bit incapacitated.

So there's my moment of occasion. I hope you boys are having a great week. Love you. Have a good night. He gets it. He knows what a momentous occasion is. And it's fun because you know he didn't die. Yes. Well. At least not from because you know he didn't die.

Yes. Well. At least not from that. No. He will someday. Hey, guys. As we all do. This is Alan from Savannah calling from beyond the grave.

I've got a sweet southern voice, and I am currently on the other side. Free from my corporeal form. I am pure energy, and I am loving it. I got a quick one from St. Peter. He should have just rode the freezer to work the next day. Used sort of like a broom handle as like a gondola thing. Yeah. Just pushed himself on that wheelie freezer.

Yeah. Would have been a lot of fun. Yeah. I like those pods. Those are fun. It does seem like been a lot of fun. Yeah. I like those pods. Those are fun. It does seem like an amazing technology, that pod technology. Well, I mean, besides,

I mean, the other thing is you can go and suspend, they do suspended animation. Sure. And you can grow human beings in there. Yeah. So the pods are amazing

all around. They do a lot of fun stuff. Cloning. Right. Hyper sleep. Sure. So if you want to see what the future run by apes is like, hop in there.

Set the timer for 20 years. Yeah. Nobody ever talks about the movie Cocoon anymore. Not enough. I guess not. The only time I ever hear it brought up anymore is to reference how Brad Pitt is now currently as old as Wilford Brimley was in the movie Cocoon. And Brad Pitt, still hitting it.

Looking great. Ladies love it. Looking great. Wilford Brimley in that movie. Aging gracefully. Aging very gracefully. Brimley, at that point, was all mustache. Yeah.

Well. He had one of those wasting diseases. He did. But I think he's the secret to Brimley's longevity. Yeah. Thick old dong. Thick gotta be. Thick. Gotta be.

Yeah. Gotta be. Gotta be thick, baby. Gotta be like the forearm of an NFL quarterback. Sure. Yeah. You think Brimley's boning now? Oh, yes.

You know Brimley's boning. There's nothing I believe more. Yeah. I think that's a thick old dong. I mean, you like hearing him say diabetes. Think about what he sounds like when he's saying cunnilingus. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Ian Carmel, currently number three on the FBI's most cuddly list. Why do they keep that? I don't know. I just think for personal reference.

You know, it's not all book working cases for them. They don't like to have fun. They like to influence elections and do a little cuddling. Yeah,

influence erections. Actually not. It's just cuddling. We need to be very clear about that. Yeah, I've been to a cuddle party. Not a sexual thing.

I know the rules. Yeah. No boners. What do you do if you get a boner at a cuddle party. It's not a sexual thing. I know the rules. Yeah. No boners. What do you do if you get a boner at a cuddle party? You just got to explain it away like I'm sorry? You carry ice cubes. You cuddle. You carry ice cubes.

Bring the swelling down a little. Rice. Yeah. Then they switch. They just switch the music. Usually at a cuddle party, it's like an Enya or something like that. Soft jazz. Municipal waste.

Municipal waste, yes. Boom, they throw on the municipal waste. And the boners get huge. They get gigantic. And aggro. Spooky sound effects too. Halloween. Happy Halloween.

Stop having a boner. It's violating the tenets of this very event. It's me, Alan, calling from Savannah, Georgia. I have a little bit of occasion

That was working in the lab Did you Did you see the video of Billy Joel Singing the Monster Mash at Madison Square Garden No Yes This exists Why did he do that

I think it was a concert around Halloween So they covered the Monster Mash? So they covered the Monster Mash. How is it? You didn't see it. There was an article in Wired. The headline was, Internet Reaches Completion? Yeah.

It's over. Time to forage. William of Joel. William of House Joel did the Monster Mash. How did he sound? Sounded good. Spooky? Still got it.

Whoa. You know he takes a helicopter from his house to Madison Square Garden for those Madison Square Garden concerts. Yeah, can't be bothered. I would, too. Yeah. I would, too. Can't trust him behind a wheel.

Mayor de Blasio takes the subway. Yes. Billy Joel is catching that heli chopper. Helicopter. Yeah. Well, Ian Carmel, it's been a joy to have you here. I'm so glad you could join us, it's been a joy to have you here. I'm so glad you could join us.

It's been great being here. Ian, now, where can people find out more about the great Ian Carmel? At Ian Carmel on Twitter. That's a lot of fun. At Ian Carmel. I'm overly active on there. And here's the thing. Jordan, I don't know if this is something you're looking for, but if you're looking for somebody on Twitter to tweet back and forth about lesser members of the Dungeon

family and DC Pearson's asleep. Ian Carmel's your man. Ian Carmel is available to talk. I will step into that role. Want to talk about Witch Doctor's album, A SWAT Healing Ritual? I would love to be there for you. He's in.

He may even have thoughts about Witch Doctor's late career adult swim release, King of the Beasts. Oh, yeah. I'll get into that. If you want to talk about E-40 or any of his crew, I'm down for that kind of conversation.

The whole Sick With It crew. The whole Sick With It crew. I'll talk about Droopy. That's his son, Droopy, right? Yeah, Selly Self. Yeah. If you want to talk about the National Basketball Association,

I'd be more than happy to engage you in conversation on that topic. What about JT the Bigger Figure? Oh, I love you. Absolutely. JT the Bigger Figure? Oh, I love you. Absolutely. JT the Bigger Figure. Discussing his iconic game-recognized game. I'd love to talk about any Bigger Figure with anyone, by the way.

Got it. Yeah. I'll go. I'll go Brother Lynch hung. Anybody. Sure. Come at it. I celebrate the catalogs.

That's just FYI for you, Jordan. Sure. Sounds like fun. If you're looking for it, throw me a follow. Nah, I'm good. You're right. Sounds like fun. If you're looking for it, throw me a follow. Nah, I'm good. You're right. You're right. You've got a podcast called All Fantasy Everything. Oh, I do.

I have one called All Fantasy Everything. This is like, well, legendary comedian Jesse Thorne hosts a segment on the Slar Brothers podcast where he does crazy fantasy subjects. Oh, does he? I didn't even know. You didn't steal it from him. I didn't know you had that.

People keep telling me that you stole it from me. Oh, my God. I had no idea. It's different. It's a different thing. Oh, no. Is this like a confrontation? Don't worry.

It's a different thing. This is going to be as popular as Gallagher walks out of here. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. It's a different thing. popular as I in fact one of the things I wanted to remember to say yeah was it's definitely a different thing oh good there's no problems here yeah it's 100% a different thing God who just signed this huge sponsorship yours is more yours is yours is more of a knockoff of the dough boys no oh yeah yeah that in that I am a dough boy do they do fantasy drafting too they did that one Yours is more of a knockoff of the Doughboys. Sure. No. Oh, yeah, yeah.

In that I am a Doughboy. Do they do fantasy drafting, too? They did that one time with sandwiches. Oh, well, I think that's wonderful. No, with items on the diner menu. That's what they did it with. So you're doing fantasy drafting with not just sports, but other things? Anything.

Any old thing. Yeah. So we just drafted the mall, me and David Borey and Sean Jordan. Oh, wow. We just drafted different, just anything. Fantasy mall. Fantasy mall. What round pick is in Orange Julius?

It's controversial. Orange Julius probably would have been about a third round pick, but I opened it up. I just drafted the food court in general. Oh, wow. But I specified in the explanation. So you got the hot dog on a stick. You got the Sbarro. We're talking about random Chinese food restaurant, whichever one's in there. Sometimes Panda Express, sometimes not.

Sometimes other. But I specified that Orange Julius was separate from it because that is a separate place in many malls. It's not in the food court all the time. Sometimes it's a little bougie. It's hanging out in a different part of the mall. Got it. Yeah. Nothing bougier than an Orange Julius.

Nothing bougier than an Orange Julius. Somebody took shoplifting. Yeah. Nothing bougier than an Orange Julius. Nothing bougier than an Orange Julius. Somebody took shoplifting. Yeah. Somebody took a – I took walking into a store looking really schlubby but having enough money to shop there. Yeah. And then spending a bunch of money when somebody finally comes up to help you. Yeah. It's fun.

Yeah. And we do – yeah. Today we just – the 90s came out with – we drafted the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. We're doing – me, Ron Funches, and Kamail Nanjiani are doing video games on Saturday. So that should be a lot of fun, too. Our audience won't be interested. Yeah, nobody likes those people. Yeah, so it's been a lot of fun ever since I stole the idea from you.

I had to listen to it. What did you do? Are you telling me it's not the same? This is a bit that I did not create. The Sklar Brothers offered me this to their credit, and I've been doing it for years on Sklar Bro Country, their great show. I've been on it once.

I listen occasionally. I portray a fantasy sports expert, but I don't present picks for fantasy football. Rather, fantasy doulas. Oh, okay. Fantasy rose varietals. Oh, so like a doula you're making up like Margaret Claxton Klein. Rose varietals.

I'm just looking up the funniest rose varietals. And there's some funny ones. If you ever go to the Huntington Library, local reference. They have a beautiful rose garden with so many funny ones. I'm more of a Descanso Gardens man. You're a Descanso Gardens man? Well, now is when I walk out. Now is when I walk out.

Last straw. Talk about last straw. Ian Carmel, a very funny man. Our producer, Brian Fernandes. That sounded much more dismissive than I intended it to. I apologize. Brian Fernandes, our producer.

MaximumFun.org, our internet website. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. MaximumFun.reddit.com is our Reddit. And you can join us on Facebook as well in the Maximum Fun group, which is always a good time. Or by liking Jordan Jesse Go. I'm at Jesse Thorne on Twitter. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. So follow us there.

We'll talk to you next time. I'm Jordan Jesse. I'm a big boy now. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture Artist owned Listener supported