Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 455: Live at Now Hear This Festival with the Doughboys

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

Jordan and Jesse are joined by Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell from the Doughboys podcast live on stage in Anaheim as part of the Now Hear This podcast festival.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. This week's Jordan, Jesse Go was recorded live in Anaheim, California, in front of a modestly sized audience that decided to see us instead of Paul F. Tompkins for some reason. Enjoy! Hello, people who couldn't get into Paul F. Tompkins! Yeah! So excited to be here at the Now Hear This Festival. So glad they got our performance venue rider. I have a few special requests for every live show that I do, Jordan.

First of all, I want to be up against Paul F. Tompkins. And then also backstage, you want a shaved Greek boy? Yeah, 420 friendly, no drama. So we have that. I usually like... We always have a set when we perform Jordan Jesse Go Live. Has anybody else ever been to Jordan Jesse Go Live? A few people here.

So I always say, like, can you make it look like a press conference after a mine disaster? And then I always come in in a box truck, so I request a full loading bay. There is a loading bay here. For the folks listening at home, that was a very funny joke

about a loading bay that is actually in the venue. Great to be here with you guys. It is genuinely great to be here. We have so much cool stuff planned for you. The Doughboys are going to be here later. Come on. They're red hot. Backstage.

Two of the best boys. Two of the best boys. Very handsome young men. We're taping this on Halloween weekend. It's really cool that everybody wore their costumes out. I guess everybody chose to go as a graphic designer. I do see a couple of improv coaches, too. And some Harley Quinns.

Actually, Jordan, before we get into the... This is a weird thing. Like, sometimes, you know, a big festival like this, there's stuff that the hotel wants to share with the audience. So we agreed. I don't know why. Yeah, it really interrupt that the hotel wants to share with the audience. So we agreed. I don't know why. Yeah, it really interrupts the flow of the show. It happens to us a lot.

Yeah. People want us to read announcements. So just kind of bear with us, and we'll start the show after these announcements from the Anaheim Marriott. Yeah, so first of all, they say, we've received a number of complaints about counterfeit characters in and around the Disney parks here in Anaheim. Their suggestion is, please remember, the real Mickey Mouse always wears pants. Hungry? Be sure to check out Dinner, the Marriott's acclaimed restaurant-themed dining experience. Here's something they say. This is like just a fun

promotional one for Orange County. They don't call it Orange County for nothing. While you're in town, why not try some of our delicious apples? A note to all adult Disney nerds in the audience. Your denim jackets

covered in collector's pins look awesome. Again, these are just notes from the hotel. Not part of the show. Oh, here's something. A note for adventurous couples looking to spice up their trip. One of Disneyland's signature churros fits perfectly up a butt.

Planning on getting married at one of our theme parks? Why not change your plans to try a church synagogue or private event space um oh here's something uh if you want to use your tv to check out and this is really easy a lot of you guys are probably staying here at the marriott uh you just uh simply press menu then go to settings then stay, then hit pound 477. That takes you to options. From there, order Paul Blart Mall Cop on pay-per-view,

watch the whole thing, then go ahead and throw your remote in the toilet, and voila, you're checked out. And finally, a note about safe sex at the convention. Because we're at a podcast convention, no one will be having sex. So don't worry about condoms or whatever. Yeah, nothing to worry about. Just a few announcements. Announcements from the Anaheim Marriott.

I have two drinks. How you doing, buddy? You spent the night here last night. I went up to your hotel room. I was impressed. Yeah, nice digs here at the Anaheim Marriott. I did have a door from my room that led into a bigger room that had a pool table on it. Very opulent.

It had a whole hangout space. And when I went up this morning, I wanted to show you the pool table room. But the door was closed, so I guess that room was not connected to my room, it was just accidental that it was open and I am so glad I resisted the urge to jack off on that pool table because someone could

have walked in. So Jordan, everybody wants to know where'd you end up jacking off? Near the steam trays at the buffet. There was a full-on veranda outside of your room that connected to what I presume was the pool table room. And what I presume was the room of the people who paid to have access to the pool table room. Like, bop, bop, bop.

I really wanted to just see what I could see. Off the veranda? Yeah. Oh, you wanted to peek into the pool table room to see what kind of debauchery was going on. Yeah, and the people who paid for the pool table room. I want to know about their lifestyle. It's really interesting.

So we are here. This is near Disneyland on Halloween weekend. And so, you know, we have people here for the podcast festival, but there's also Disney Halloween people staying in the hotel. And when I was checking in, I was behind eight chimney sweeps. I was like, what the

fuck podcast is this? This looks awesome. But yeah, should we bring up those boys? Let's bring our guests on the podcast. They're the hosts of one of our absolute favorite podcasts in the world, two of the funniest guys around. Please welcome Nick Weiger and Mike Mitchell, the Doughboys.

Thanks. Mr. Weiger, sir? How are you? I feel bad. I feel like, Nick, I feel like given the content of your show, I should have written a four-paragraph historical overview to introduce you with. No, yeah. I mean, I do like kind of, if you're not familiar with the show,

I do kind of like a basically plagiarized from Wikipedia monologue. At the top of the show, we focus on a different chain restaurant every episode, and so introducing the backstory of Burger King or Pizza Hut or Chili's or what have you. Are you going to take the opportunity, now that you're in the mecca of chain restaurants, to hit up Morton's The Steakhouse, Anaheim Applebee's? There's literally a Pizza Hut inside of our hotel. Our hotel has its own Pizza Hut. Yeah, there's a Starbucks like 200

feet from where we're recording this. Somebody told me they saw Mark Maron hanging out by himself at the Pizza Hut in the hotel. God bless you, Mark. Mitch and I have talked before about how if we lived somewhere that wasn't LA, the podcast would be so much easier because there's a dearth of chain restaurants, especially sit-down chain restaurants in L.A. proper. You kind of have to go to the X-Serbs.

But down here in Orange County, they're just like everywhere. I feel like the main thing that happens on your show is you talk about driving an hour and 20 minutes to go to a terrible restaurant. That is a huge part of it. We just did Rock Lobster Fest, which is we went to Red Lobster for a full month, which is a bad idea to begin with. Disagree. Just heard one lone ugh

from the audience. It was bad for us, for our bodies, health-wise it was terrible. And then also, we drove an hour to the Red Lobster every week, and it sucked. It was bad. I should also, we drove an hour to the Red Lobster every week. And it sucked.

It was bad. I should mention that under these hot lights, you guys are both sweating melted butter. This month for you guys has really been a real live descent into madness on the podcast. Because you started off pretty positive about Red Lobster. And at this point, the podcast is just the two of you sobbing. I'm more on Mitch's side. I still enjoy the Red Lobster. I came out with a positive assessment overall.

Okay, you still enjoy Red Lobster. I'm the bad guy because I got sick of Red Lobster. I didn't say you were the bad guy. I was just saying that we had kind of divergent experiences. My issue is that I always thought Morgan Spurlock was a liar. And now we've done this podcast for like a year and a half. I'm like, he was right. This sucks. It's killing me.

Jordan and I were talking before the show. I have a friend whose parents live here in Orange County. They've always been season pass ticket holders to Disneyland. And so every week they go on a date night to Disneyland. And so every week they go on a date night to Disneyland

and have dinner in one of the restaurants at Disneyland. I know you're from Southern California. That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my life. By the way, that's very beautiful. I would like to meet the trashy meth couple who does that but for Magic Mountain.

There's a couple, they make meth in their bathtub, but once a week that, but for Magic Mountain. Like there's a couple, they make meth in their bathtub, but once a week, they go up to Magic Mountain, they eat a funnel cake, and then they stab each other with box cutters. Magic Mountain up in Valencia, the Six Flags Magic Mountain,

the SoCal Six Flags, is the first place I heard the phrase race card. The context was a white man was screaming at a black guy and his young son in line for Riddler's Revenge. And I didn't hear the start of the argument, but he was screaming at him and at some

point it escalated to, motherfucker do you know what a race card is? And then like a week later I heard Geraldo say it talking about the oj trial you remember the first time you heard race card yeah because it was a phrase that stuck in my head partly because the tension of the moment i actually you know if at disneyland which is here in anaheim you can go to the uh like the customer guest uh you know services services kiosk

and get a race card. You get to go right to the front of the line on all the rides. It's pretty good. Unlike Autopia and Radiator Springs Racers. Yeah, exactly. So I also grew up in Southern California. My dad worked for Disney in the imagination mines.

He had his hand chopped off in the Wonder Song. Wait, your dad worked for Disney? Nah, dude. I was just kidding. I thought it would be funny if Disney had a mine where they mined imagination. But it's a confusing premise, I understand. But something I never did, because I was a little bit of a goody two-shoes in high school, I was like, in the drama club,

and we don't need drinking to have fun. We're crazy anyway. But we were just really like little cowards. Yeah, that keep Mission Viejo weird bumper sticker. Yeah, exactly. So something that I totally missed that my peers did growing up here was getting fucked up and going to

Disneyland. Getting drunk, getting high, going to Disneyland. Something I totally missed. I feel like Disneyland opened when my dad moved to Southern California at age 13. I feel like at 13, he was on top of that. Yeah, right? My dad is way past you. My dad got booted out of Tom Sawyer

Island several times. Yeah. And that got booted out of Tom Sawyer Island several times. Yeah. I mean, and that's saying something, because Tom Sawyer Island, like, that's a pretty permissive island. Like, they're cool. They'll look the other way on a lot of shit at Tom Sawyer Island.

It was a very... I got tricked into painting a fence there. And no one said anything. It was pretty fun, though. I feel like you can still live that dream. You can get fucked up and go to Disney if you'd like. Here's what I did yesterday. So the Now Hear This people were nice enough to give us a nice hotel room.

So I'm like, oh, time to fulfill a lifelong regret. Fulfill a regret? That's not something you do. Time to correct a lifelong regret. Fulfill a regret? That's not something you do. Time to correct a regret. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm going to come... Spend the day in a hotel ballroom enjoying all your favorite podcasts. Right, Jordan?

Exactly, yeah. So no, so I was like, okay, I can come down here early. I can spend the day at Disneyland fucked up somehow, and then I'll have done it, you know? So I was like, okay, well, what do I want to do? What do I want to do? So I'm like, okay, well, I've had a couple of good Molly experiences, so I'll do that. That's a nice non-freak-out drug.

So I'm like, all right, time to do it. And I'm like, okay, wait, I don't know anyone who can get me drugs. Like, this is where I am at in my life where I don't know anybody. So I was like, I was thinking, how do you get drugs? How do you get drugs? where I don't know anybody. So I was like, I was thinking,

how do you get drugs? How do you get drugs? So I'm like, oh, I know, I have a friend who he and his girlfriend have some drug stories. So I just texted him. I'm like,

do you guys have a drug man you like? Could he meet me at Disneyland? How does he feel about soaring over California? And selling me one Molly pill. Yeah. Will he drive down here for 20 bucks? Did you call 911 and ask where their latest busts were?

Where have you guys been busting people lately? Yeah, I just want to know so I can stay away from there. So my friend texts me the number of a drug man. I believe his name was Ike. Never met an Ike before. So I'm like,

okay, so I have this guy's... Was this General Eisenhower? Yeah. I really like Ike because he gets me fucked up. So I was like, okay, well,

what do I text this man? So I did a couple of drafts of the texts. And so I was like, the first one was what do I text this man? So I did a couple of drafts of the texts. And so I was like, the first one was, hey, man, I'm in the market for some doses. What do you even call a unit of Molly? I don't even know what, like, I'm like, hey, it's a gram of weed or a nug of weed,

but I don't even know what you call it. I was like, hey, bro, I hear you can help me score. Worse. Then I also thought, I was like, give me... He just sent you a copy of the game. Yeah, right. Here you go, bro. It's all about negs. And then I decided on, give me some drug drug num nums.

Good in my mouth. Yum yum. Eat them up. Yum yum yum. That's what I ended up texting him. No, so I met this met this drug man was relatively uh you know normal handoff of money uh what was that older guy younger just like a chill dude chill dude nice apartment in silver lake uh and then so and then on my way up here i'm like okay do i want to do Disneyland? No, I think I want to do California Adventure. You're too cool for Disneyland. Because California Adventure has bars now. They have liquor bars.

And they have that ride that Patrick Warburton introduces. So I'm like, oh man, if I can... It's weird that Walt Disney never thought to include Patrick Warburton in the original plans for Disneyland. Yeah, it's a testament to Walt's racism, I think. So yeah.

So I did it at California Adventure and when it kicked in I just did not want to ride anything. I just wanted to go like this. I just wanted to be like a guy who got off the bus in the big city with my suitcase and point at things. Like, oh, whoa, look at that. It was great.

And I know some surprise. This becomes a surprise for you guys. I know some adult Disney nerds. And one of them had a pass to the secret bar in California Adventure. It's called 1901. Walt's birthday. Walt's birth year. Damn, Walt's old.

When he started drinking. Yeah, when Walt started drinking. It's like a secret club. You've got posh leather chairs, full bar. Then you can pick two Disney characters, and they have to fight in front of you. bar, and then you can pick two Disney characters, and they have to fight in front of you. So we picked

Jack Skellington and the car from Cars. Jack Skellington was killed immediately. Yeah, so it was great. Everybody get fucked up and go to Disneyland. You should do it. What was the best... Did you just not go on any rides? Let's see. Did the Little Mermaid Dark Ride. Oh, that would be a fun ride to be messed up on, I feel like.

Oh boy, it sure was. But the robotics made me like, oh shit, is this Westworld? Like, is it okay for me to jump out and strangle Prince Eric? Like, is this part of the package? The robotics, very realistic on those Little Mermaid characters.

And then kind of later in the day I went to I don't I'm I'm not proud of this I went to Soarin' Over California and you know Patrick Warburton introduces it you sit in these little chairs and it kind of zooms you over you're not proud of it I feel like that's

the best thing they shoot sensei yeah they shoot sensei you they shoot wind shoot sensei at you. They shoot wind. There's all sorts of things going on. Is Warburton throughout the ride? I don't know. Does his voice come in periodically?

It's Sonoma Valley. Wide country. These trees are evergreen. They never go gray. Check out San Pedro. You didn't say never go gray. Check out San Pedro. If I remember correctly, you soared down his mouth and through his body.

Yeah, Fresno's inside me. Come out of my butt. We're having fun with this. Apologies to you guys. I hope you guys like Patrick Warburton impressions as much as we do. They're like, do one, do one. No, we couldn't. Couldn't possibly. But yeah, no, it was great being in that

Soarin' Over California and like, you know, zooming around and all the scents and all the whooshes and all the air blows in the face. It was really kind of a lovely, a really lovely feeling. And I, let me stress how short this thought was.

This was a, I had a thought and it was a fraction of a second. I know that I shouldn't, I know that you shouldn't behave like this, but there was this little, like an eighth of a second where I'm like, should I jack off? Very brief, brief. off? Very brief.

Brief. It was so brief. A fleeting moment. Just a flea. A shooting star across the firmament of your heart. You probably weren't even the first. Sex criminal behavior. You probably weren't even the first guy to think that that day. Right.

What about the soaring over California provoked that thought? I just felt safe. Do you not? I just felt safe in the most beautiful state in the Union. Yeah. Just the thought of your ejaculate drifting over an orange grove, gently settling on the earth. Yeah.

Patrick Warburg's, hey, nice load. That's a great load. I'm really sorry. You guys do not like Patrick Warburg impressions as much as we do. This is very important to us. This is all that happens inside our heads. You should know that. During my wedding, I was thinking like, yeah, way to get married, Jesse.

He's like my Jiminy Cricket. I have a big question for you. Were you alone? Were you alone yesterday? So I did have some adult Disney nerds that I met up with. So I had a little bit of solo time. And then... I think alone would have been great, too. I wasn't trying to shame.

I think that would have been great either way. Don't bully him. Stop bullying me, Mitch. If I want to go to Disneyland by myself, I'll do it. You know what? This is a podcast. This is an example of online bullying. Oh my gosh.

Dox him. Someone dox him now. Doesn't dox mean kill? Bare minimum. Let's get Joe Biden over here. Yeah. What for? Good old Biden. Have you guys ever, have you guys, did you guys, have you guys ever gotten messed up

and gone to a fun thing? You know what? No. Yeah. It's just the crack house for me i feel i feel like so often like like we can get messed up during the day or whatever i mean like i think it's different with molly or whatever but like drinking and stuff i feel like yeah we're gonna do this and like you drink and then like an hour into it you're like i'm tired you just want to go home like i always feel like if i went to disney and i was like very drunk like every an hour and a half i'd be like this sucks i like need to go home and sleep right i've only done the big three in terms of drugs i've done tobacco alcohol and marijuana and that's it that's where i i thought you were

gonna i honestly thought you were gonna say the the big three. Tobacco, alcohol, and taffy. Perhaps Weiger's constitution is so gentle that taffy fucks him up. I like to get a good sugar high going. Saltwater or fresh? Depends on what kind of night you want to have. Here's how square I am. I'm honestly unclear on what Molly is. That's what they call ecstasy now, but it's a little different. you want to have. Here's how square I am. I'm honestly unclear on what Molly is.

That's what they call ecstasy now, but it's a little different. Right. And it's for people that use Snapchat a lot. You guys should check out my Snapchat story from yesterday.

I have all the filters on my face at once. I don't know if that's how it works. Why, or what did you think it was when he said he took it? I assumed it was

something like some sort of hallucinogen. Yeah. Or perhaps like an ecstasy. I pieced it together from context clues. Yeah. It's just like, it's just something that makes you... At all times, Nick Weiger is taking the SAT.

It's just something that for a while makes you feel like you have an internal warmth and that everything is the fucking best. Okay. Nick, if you took it, you'd probably just be like, whoa, this is really crazy. That's it. You'd say nothing else. I feel like I would have had more.

Because you're right. Because there is that fatigue that happens when you do something like that. And I feel like there's nothing I wanted more. I'm like, I could probably ride this for, you know, until the park closes. If there was just a place in California Adventure where you can lay on a cot and watch a Simpsons rerun. Like, if I could have been there for 45 minutes, I would have had a

second wind. Doesn't it feel like it's like, I think you picked a good drug to go out and do, like, that one is fun, even though you can get a little anxious or whatever, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Or getting stoned, smoking weed or something and going out to Disney seems like it would be fun. But I don't know about getting

drunk and running around. Like getting too drunk and running around. A couple drinks would be fine, but I don't know if I would want to get drunk and ride rides. I feel like I would get sick and throw up on Roger Rabbit or whatever. Yeah, right. I think that's why the ride

thing kind of lost its charm. It's like, I just want to walk and point. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I feel... I can never... Do people feel the same way? Like, day drinking is not as fun to...

Like, I don't like day drinking as much. Well, not getting day drunk, but like a little brunch buzz is nice. Okay, that's fair. Yeah, that's fair. Do they have a parade? No, God. Oh man, if I could have fucking hit a parade like right as it's kicking in.

Do they have the Main Street Electrical Parade anymore? I saw a VHS tape for the Main Street Electrical Parade at the flea market the other day. That's my main hobby is buying VHS tapes at the flea market the other day that's my main hobby is buying vhs tapes at the flea market and uh i thought hard about buying it that hit a button on me yeah yeah like had not been accessed since i was eight years old the main street electrical parade what the like who was like the guy at disneyland thinking back on Sure. Who's like, you know what would

really fucking cap off somebody's day at Disneyland, the most magical place on Earth? A light bulb parade. You don't think it's magical? What about it is bumps to you? No, it is, but I mean, I just feel like in the, I mean, certainly when I was

seven or eight years old, that was the shit. Yeah. But thinking back on it, I'm like, literally the premise of that parade is just regular shit with light bulbs on it. A giant snail is regular? What's your bar for amazing? What do you want it to be? It's a princess who has a giant glow skirt. I'm just saying. What do you want?

You look at Fantasmic. You're talking about Mickey Mouse a thousand feet high. Sure. Being projected onto a scrim of water. But this snail lights up and he's bigger than a normal snail. And he goes womp womp womp womp womp.

What do you want? What's necessary to impress you? I'm going to go a step further and say parades fucking suck. Whoa! It's 2016. Can't we admit parades are bad? No, parades are dope, dude.

No, parades are awful. Dude, I'm all about the South Pasadena, California, 4th of July parade. I fuck with that so hard. Isn't Howie Mandel the Grand Marshal of that like every other year? Howie Mandel, they would dream of't Howie Mandel the Grand Marshal of that every other year? Howie Mandel, they would dream of getting Howie Mandel to Grand

Marshal that shit. It's like lesser actors from Bobby's World. Candy Man himself, Keith David. I'm with Mitch on parades. I think they're unnecessary. I think they're a waste of everyone's time. Now it just sounds like we're no fun. No day drinking and on parades. I think they're unnecessary. I think they're a waste of everyone's time. They don't have to be necessary.

Now it just sounds like we're no fun. No day drinking and no parades. Listen. It's not a matter of utility, Ayn Rand. I'm not making a libertarian argument against parades. All art is unnecessary, Nick. A parade in Disney is just... I think my parents stopped taking me to parades

and they ended church around the same time. One of those things where it was like, we don't want to do any of this shit anymore. So you associate parades with Catholic guilt. I feel like at Disneyland, you don't need a parade. You can go into Mr. Toad's little cove. You don't have to see him wave at you while he's walking down the street.

That's the most boring version of it. Mitch, would you say that your favorite ride at Disneyland is Mr. Toad's little cove? Mr. Toad's little cove, number one. Number two, Space Rider. Number three, Peter Pan's area. Sleeping Beauty's Enchanted Crevasse. The Enchanted Crevasse is great. Yeah.

Of course, we can't forget the teabag. The Mad Hatter's teabag. I'll apply a little bit of nuance to what Mitch was saying, because I think parades out in the world at large are a waste of everyone's time. Civic parades. Yeah, parades within the, unless someone's coming back from the moon. What's going on here? If someone's coming back from the moon, let's have a ticker tape parade.

He was so afraid that he was going to get written up about that. Nick Weiger doesn't like veterans having their own parades. But within Disneyland, I think the whole point of Disneyland or a theme park is that they just overwhelm you with spectacle. And I like that Disneyland is so packed with theme that there is a parade going on and also there's just so much shit happening at the same time. I appreciate specifically about this position that you're taking, Nick, I appreciate the fact that your premise is parades

have no use in our regular, boring, day-to-day lives. Right. But when you could be on Space Mountain, that's when you want to be watching a parade. We have an option. I think that, no, I think because you're transported to a different reality. Like, that's the,

contrasting why Disneyland succeeds better as a theme park than Magic Mountain in Valencia, California, it's just that you're immersed in a different world, whereas at the Magic Mountain, you're waiting for Batman the Ride, and then you see a chain-link fence with razor wire on the top of it, and then just the... Then you hear race card for the first time. Yeah, exactly.

So, like, I like that you're just kind of immersed in theme, and I think that's part of the fun of it, whereas out in the real world, you're just shutting down streets and inconveniencing everybody. So I want to talk, this is something that I, the one kind of disappointing part of my day yesterday was the food. Now that we have the DBs here, do you guys have any opinion on...

The douchebags? Yeah, now that we have the douchebags here, the old double baggers, you guys put on two condoms, right? Oh, yeah. You gotta put on two condoms. The dope boys, am I right? Hell yeah.

Y'all in the corner slanging? They're pretty dope. What is your guys' opinion on Disneyland food in general, and is there a better theme park to eat at? Because the Disneyland food I got yesterday was terrible. Oh, really? Where did you go? So I looked in my...

Oh, really? How worried? So in my drug haze, I googled best food in California adventure, and a list from the Anaheim Board of Tourism came up, and they said that it was the hot dog stand. It was called Hollywood Dogs or something. I had a very, very bad hot dog.

You got a Hollywood dog in Anaheim? You come from the land of Hollywood dogs. You could have gotten one right before you came down. I thought I would have a little taste of Hollywood. But it was really a little taste of sad camp food. It was closer to what it was really a little taste of sad camp food. It was closer to what it was. Yeah, I took my kids to Disneyland with my wife about a year ago. My wife hosts a podcast called One Bad Mother,

and they have this wonderful Facebook group where all these moms support each other and all this shit. And she said to them, needless to say, there's a few theme park enthusiasts in this podcast Facebook group. And she said, you know, where should we eat in Disneyland? And they said, like a bunch of people said, definitely go to the Astro Pizza or whatever it's called. Like Buzz Lightyear's Pizza Restaurant. Pizza Port. Pizza Port. Pizza Port.

The Pizza Port, yeah. Yeah, Buzz has gotten into a lot of shit. He's really diversified his business interests since the first Toy Story movie came out. And I went to that, and I did not expect it to be good pizza, but it was legitimately worse than frozen pizza. Like, it was legitimately maybe the worst pizza I've ever had in my entire life, and I was stunned.

It was the one that everyone said was the best choice. Oh, you don't have to tell me. I was lied to by the Anaheim Board of Tourism. Betrayed. Disneyland is usually good at the shit it does. I also stood in line for a milkshake, which was pretty good,

but while I was standing there, a woman in purple overalls who had two dyed purple dogs with her. I don't know how they got into Disneyland. Was this Waluigi's wife? Yes. Samantha Waluigi. Samantha Waluigi hyphen Stein. This woman had purple overalls and she had two purple dogs and I was kind of

fucked up. So I'm like, oh boy, what's this? She's like, hey, sorry to bug you. I wasn't doing anything. She's like, hey, sorry to bug you, but where do you think the cameras are in this place? I mean, they've got to be looking out for ISIS. And then someone's like,

banana split. She's like, oh, that's me. And just left. This is my only interaction with this. I know that Molly is not a hallucinogen, but it seemed like my brain made that up. She was probably in ISIS, right? She's probably trying to recruit me. I mean, who wants to figure out where the ISIS cameras are that's not in ISIS? If you're in ISIS, you've got a legit interest in figuring

out where those cameras are. But if you're an Islamic terrorist, being in purple overalls and having two dyed purple dogs is pretty deep cover. No, I'm not a Quran expert. That's what they're making people do in Syria right now. That's why there's so many refugees all over the world, because they don't want to put on those

fucking overalls. Milkshake was pretty good. I would like if we saw security footage and you weren't just talking to the air. Hey, what are you doing with those two purple dogs? I don't know anything about ISIS. Yeah, like later on you're being interviewed by the NSA

because you said something about ISIS and then you explain the story as like Richard Kimball in The Fugitive trying to talk about the one-armed man who killed his wife. I'm telling you, there was a lady with purple overalls. Two purple dogs. I don't know how they got in Disneyland. As far as food in Disneyland, the big corn dogs they got near Main Street, pretty good.

I think they've got some really good fried chicken at one of the Main Street places. I forget specifically what it's called, but there's some really good fried chicken there. And then the Bengal Barbecue, which is right next to now the Tarzan treehouse that used to be the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. That's a pretty nice little stand with some skewers. I would say that Universal Studios has upped their food game maybe to the point where they're better than Disney, though. Right. They added the Simpsons stuff. The Simpsons is really fun.

The Simpsons has some good food over there. I had the Krusty Burger. The Krusty Burger is a legit tasty burger. It's a good burger. And the fried chicken there is good, too. And they have the big donuts. I think Universal might be better than Disney. I don't understand why they don't...

I get the pizza port is near Space Mountain. I'm sure that that's something that's going to... With the new Star Wars, it's going to be Unkar Plutt's Bread Cafe. Finally, you brought up Unkar Plutt. Was he around? Was he walking around Disney? How many portions can we get you guys?

I'm pretty hungry. I'll take a half a portion. I went to a wedding at Knott's Berry Farm one time. I don't know. I guess if you're getting married at Knott's Berry Farm, it's like saying that all the other fucking theme parks were booked. I insist on getting married in a theme park, but I registered too late for the sign-up list for Disneyland and every other theme park. Right.

I would rather get married at the John Lovitz Comedy Club at Universal CityWalk than get married at Knott's Berry Farm. That place, you would never be able to get the John Lovitz Comedy Store. That place is packed all the time. I think it now is officially empty. Yeah, I think it's shut down.

They made that place... It's just John Lovitz sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. It's the only property he owns. For those of you who've never been there, they made a comedy club, and the way that... It's three stories tall.

And so there's people that can sit on the third floor and hover over you. It's like you're in a gladiator pit trying to do jokes up at some kings and queens who can throw chicken bones at you. It's the worst designed comedy club that there ever was. I once went on a friend of the podcast Jensen Karp's show

Get Up On This and he said, well, we record at the John Lovitz Comedy Club but it's not in front of an audience. I'm like,

okay. So I just went there thinking that there was like a studio there or a room there but no, like we just recorded the whole thing just on the comedy club sound system I'm like, okay. So I just went there thinking that there was a studio there or a room there. But no, we just recorded the whole thing just on the comedy club sound system. Just sitting there in an empty comedy club while confused Latino goths walked by.

Staring in like, what's going on in there? I hate to say this to John Lovett's Comedy Club, but it stinks. Take that, Lovett's. Hello, Internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. And together we present Schmanners. It's extraordinary etiquette.

For ordinary occasions. We explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your questions relating to modern life. So join us weekly on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required. Check out Schmanners. Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? Hey, it's Jesse. MaxFunCon tickets are on sale

the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday at MaxFunCon.com. Come join us either in Lake Arrowhead in June, just outside Los Angeles, or in the Poconos at MaxFunCon East, Labor Day weekend. It is going to be a blast, I promise you. If you've never been to MaxFunCon, it really is one of the greatest joys you could ever enjoy. One of the warmest, kindest, most wonderful places on Earth full of creativity classes and comedy shows

and your favorite MaxFun podcasters and your favorite other people and your favorite new friends. Real talk. Why, you'll make a lot of new friends at MaxFunCon. Go to MaxFunCon.com and buy your tickets now because they often sell out real quick. Say, Jesse. Yeah.

We're talking about things that are good and things that are bad. I mean, you like to weigh in on that topic from time to time, right? I got a few opinions. I mean, maybe there's a signature segment we could do. I don't know, called Hang It Up, Keep It Up? How about that? Let's do that. In these morally ambiguous times, it helps to have a compass

to point you through the storm here's jesse thorne with hang it up and keep it up first hang it up pumpkin bread you get all the bad taste of pumpkins and you can't even make it into a jack-o'-lantern hang it up pumpkin bread hang it. Hang it up, Vladimir Putin. Yeah, I said it. You can't bully me, you big galoot. Hang it up, Vladimir Putin. Trunks. Sorry, I'm into chests now. Hang it up, trunks.

Hang it up, freedom. Honestly, just don't feel like it's working out. Hang it up, freedom. And now, to apply a soothing balm to the wounds of keep it up, excuse me, to the wounds of hang it up, it's keep it up.

There's that song. Keep it up, hummingbirds. Look, I know a ton about science, but I have no idea how these little fuckers zip around like that. It's a genuine miracle. Keep it up, hummingbirds.

Keep it up, day-old donuts. They're almost as good as fresh donuts, which is to say, very good. Keep it up, day-old donuts. Keep it up, sheepskin. Oh, very cozy. I like it. Keep it up, sheepskin. Keep it up, sheepskin. Oh, very cozy. I like it. Keep it up, sheepskin.

Keep it up, goats. Sure, everybody knows that they'll eat anything, but did you know that they'll stand on anything? And they have beards. That's a triple threat, folks. Keep it up, goats. That was Hang It Up and Keep It Up. For more information on what can hang it up and what can keep it up, goats! That was Hang It Up and Keep It Up. For more information on what can hang it up

and what can keep it up, visit your local library. Do you want to do the big contest? I'd love to do the big contest. We need two audience members and there is a prize at the end of this contest. There will be a prize. I feel like this woman in the podcast

sponsorship hat should be one of them. How do you feel about it? Are you okay coming up on stage, ma'am? We're not going to treat you badly. Okay, come on up. What's your name? Was that Melissa? Jessica.

Jessica, come on up. You can be on Mitch's team. Yeah. Anybody else want to play this game? We've got a hand up here. Come on up, sir. Come on up, sir. Sir, what's your name?

Trevor. Trevor, welcome to the stage. Trevor, ladies and gentlemen. Go ahead and grab... You've got wireless microphones down there. Trevor, you'll be working with Nick Weiger. There's a wireless mic right behind you. Pull it out of that stand there. Jesse, I like that you didn't even give anyone the opportunity to raise their hands. You just said, you and you.

Fuck it. Also, I don't know if you guys, if everyone saw it, but when he finished his segment, Jesse crumpled up his piece of paper

and then hucked it in the audience and nailed a woman in the front row with a fastball. Oh, no. Left-handed, too. Left-handed.

That wasn't bad. I assumed you were a southpaw when you threw it. Okay, so... Can I also quickly say that hummingbirds are kind of gross?

They're the most insect-y of birds. Whoa! Whose fucking podcast is this, Mitch? I'm sorry, does that sign outside say Doughboys? Did literally two dozen people come to see the Doughboys podcast? I'm telling you, they're bug birds. They're little weird bug birds. I'm kind of with you, Mitch.

Me and my buddy Emmy call them slimy air mice. Yeah. That's perfect. Fuck both of you. Okay. So this contest was inspired by

your smash hit show, The Doughboys. What's going to happen in this contest is Jordan and I will be giving you three fast food menu items. One of them will be real

from a real fast food restaurant around the world. Okay. International. International items. By the way, Nick, hold your microphone with both hands and stare with incredible intensity directly at the middle distance. I'm trying to make sure I absorb all the rules. Okay. One of them will be real.

Two of them will be some shit we made up. Okay. You each have an audience member to work with. Trevor, you'll be working with Nick. Jessica, you'll be working with Mitch. Jessica, thank you for wearing that sponsored hat on stage. MeUndies.com. It's the only undies that don't sponsor Jordan, Jesse, Go.

Yes, that's right. Just ask for the undies that have never sponsored us. Offer code Spontaneanation. Jordan, do you want to ask the first question? Yes, okay. So one of these is real. Feel free to talk it out. Prize at the end.

Huge stakes. Lots of drama. Audience loves it. Okay, which of these is real? Bacon and cheese raw burger. Buffalo barbecue zucchini dippers. Flying fish roe salmon cream cheese pizza. One is real.

You can talk it out. Talk it through. Talk to Jessica. She's here to help you. You can talk it out. Talk it through. Talk to Jessica. She's here to help you. Bacon and cheese raw burger. I feel like the raw one seems crazy, but that could just be like a Japanese pizza from Pizza Hut or something. The raw burger sounds like it might be the... Maybe that's...

Because I feel like that's a thing fast food won't do, right? They cook everything so much I feel like maybe it's just because you guys like well I think you specifically like buffalo stuff so much but that feels real to me oh yeah that's 100% I'm so sure of it I think I've eaten them possibly um I'm I I feel I feel like it's number one the bacon and cheese raw burger the bacon and cheese raw burger. The bacon and cheese raw burger. But you know what? Wait a minute.

Wait, did you just say it's real? We're looking for the one that's real. Oh, we're looking for the one that's real. Oh. Oh, fuck. That's even trickier. That's why you focus on listening to the rules up top. Boring.

This is more fun. I didn't know what was happening. It was great. Just so the at home I guess two. I guess we're going to go

or B. Buffalo barbecue zucchini dippers is your guess. Brian, what's the real answer? It's the flying fish roe

salmon cream cheese pizza. Oh, come on. What the fuck? The audience at home cannot see, but we have projected What's the real answer? It's the Flying Fish Roe Salmon Cream Cheese Pizza. Oh, come on. What the fuck? The audience at home cannot see, but we have projected this monstrosity on the boards. This is from Pizza Hut Hong Kong. That's exactly what I do. Do we get a half a point?

Because I basically said that it would be the pizza in... You said all three of them at one point. This doesn't work like that. You said the name of all three at some point. I think they've all existed. I think you have to look these other two up. Mitch, I'm going to tell you this. You're a member of the sketch comedy group,

The Birthday Boys. That's correct, yep. The creators of the iconic sketch, The Goofy Roofers. That's right. In fact, I believe you were one of those roofers. I was certainly one of the Goofy Roofers. I have a son named Oscar. He's a real In fact, I believe you were one of those roofers. I was certainly one of the goofy roofers. I have a son named Oscar.

He's a real goofy roofer. I'm going to give you half a point for that. Yeah! That's not bad. He gets a point just for being in a sketch you like? No, because I love my son. Do you not? I'm sorry. As a childless man, I can never understand that kind

of love. Well, look, one thing we don't stand for on our Doughboys podcast is arbitrary scoring systems. Let's try to lock it in moving forward. All right. Time for your guys' first question. All right. We got this, Trevor. All right.

Which of these is real? The Windows 7 Whopper. Windows 7. The Just 7 Whopper. Windows 7. The Just for Men Mail Burger. Or the Ramen Thrill Burger. One of these is real. Two of these are some shit we made up. Do you have any initial feelings, Trevor?

I think that the Just for Men Mail Burger, I'm not too sure about that because it would sound hairy and gross. Yeah, it's a hair dye. That would be insane. Hold on a second. Their question is so easy. No, it's...

How is it so easy? Ours was much harder because I could tell you what it is right now. You think that one of these is obviously real? What do you think it is? Do you want to help them? What do you think it is, Mitch? I think that it's C. Absolutely C.

It's absolutely C. The ramen thrill burger? Yeah. Wait, so he's just guessing for us now? Is that how this works? He's so mad he's absolutely C. The Ramen Thrill Burger? Yeah. Wait, so he's just guessing for us now? Is that how this works? He's so mad, he's helping you. Your choice is the Windows 7 Whopper, the Just for Men Mail Burger, or the Ramen Thrill Burger. The Windows 7 Whopper?

All right, so here, Trevor, I think your logic is sound. I think we can rule out the Just for Men one. Oh, shut up! No, that sounds, you're right, it's associated with a hair dye. It doesn't make any sense. Here's the thing. I think the ramen burger sounds so much like it's the right answer that that makes me think the Windows 7 burger is some sort of branded tie-in in another territory.

Yeah, I'd say Japan. You think so? All right. Are you good with that? I'm good with that. Okay. Trevor and I are going to lock in Windows 7 Whopper final answer. That is absolutely right.

Your fucking reasoning was sound. It's actually right. Nice job, Trevor. It is a seven patty burger served at Burger King in Japan. This is... In Japan! I'm giving you one and a half points.

And one of the promotional images is a Japanese woman trying to fit her mouth around it, which I'm sure to some is pornography. Some. Many. Some. Many. To most. Okay.

This is an outrage. Mitch masturbates in that picture imagining he's the woman. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on a second. So the idea of me eating makes me jerk off? I like... So like,

there's moments where I'm like, I go on like dominoes.com and I start beating off is what you're trying to say? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I was saying. That's exactly what happens. Okay, here's your question. Number three, Mitch and Jessica.

Which of these is real? Swallow Surprise Pizza Power Pack. Totally hammed. You guys are fun. The swallow surprise pizza power pack, the totally hammed out ultra-stuffed pizza pie, or the hot dog stuffed crust pizza? All right.

I'm second-guessing everything now. No, I know, I know. It was tricky. You know what, though? But this is the trick. This is the little trick quiz. So the first one, you're like, now we don't know what to do. But in this case, it's easy.

It's the one we think is real. It's C. Because I know that it's from Pizza Hut, and it is real. And we got you this time, you little tricksters. You can't get us again. That's absolutely correct. That is right. Australian Pizza Hut.

Where there is all kinds of weird shit going down at Australian Pizza Hut, by the way. If you ever hear about a weird fucking... Do not let any Australian person take you to one of their Pizza Huts. Every time I travel internationally, as soon as I get off the plane, the first thing that occurs to me is, I just want to see if the McDonald's has shrimp. I don't want to order the shrimp, I just want to go into a McDonald's and go, oh, that's their shrimp thing. Okay.

This question is for Nick and Trevor. Which of these is real? It feels like we're playing Trevor in IBM's Watson. He does, does like completely emotionally shut down. It's as though someone has

turned off his feelings. Okay. The premium berry burger with cranberry spread and real blueberries. The pumpkin spice venison bites or pork gunt.

Alright, Trevor, what are your initial thoughts here? Okay, I think that the Pork Gunt is something that sounds unfortunately presidential in this time. It does have a certain Hail to the Chief quality. Well, right now it's the season of pumpkin spice. Right.

Can we hear those first two items again one more time? They're right behind you. The premium berry burger with cranberry spread and real blueberries, pumpkin spice venison bites, or pork gunt. We can obviously rule out pork gunt.

Why? Pumpkin spice. You guys have never been to Pizza Hut in Japan. Lucky good pork gunt. Pork gunt

sounds like something that should not be said on the news. Right. It should be flaked out.

Yeah. Yeah. Pumpkin spice venison bites. It's just like a little too specific. Like venison,

I know Arby's just introduced a venison burger in some territories. And I think just the addition of pumpkin spice. I think we all knew that. You didn't have to say that out loud. It's just too specific. I'm leaning A.

What do you think, Trevor? A sounds good. All right. We're going with A, premium berry burger with cranberry spread. You are absolutely correct. Burger King in Japan topped a burger with cranberry spread and blueberries. Not least of which to note on this picture of the burger. Burger King in Japan topped a burger with cranberry spread and blueberries, not least of which to note on this picture of the burger is that it is next to a burger called the mush and cheese.

Mush? What is it? We don't know. A soft substance. Can I complain again? Please. Okay. What's bad about that?

Here's what's bad We had a disadvantage going first Because then they knew your little trick questions And then also Jesse The second time you read it You said You said the premium berry burger With cranberry spread

With real blueberries, which gave it away. Give us another half a point. Wait, how did that give it away? In what way did that give it away? Jesse, do you want to give Mitch another point for ham hat? Because so specific,

with real blueberries? But the specificity of the second one is what tipped me off that it was fake. You know what? Mitch, do you remember that sketch that the birthday boys used to do

where you'd all come out together on stage and there would be like a ladder or something with a pie at the top? That's right. We've got to get that pie. Oh, gotta get that pie. We gotta get that pie. Do I remember?

It was one of our first sketches. I love it. You played an old woman who was beaten to death, if I recall correctly. Yes, but that was a different time. Mitch, I'm giving you half a point. Jesus Christ. Likeability factor, baby.

Jordan, you want to give them a question? Here's your next question. Which is real? I'm going to look away. Chili-stuffed meat lover's pizza, creamed corn chicken sandwich, super sour sweet fries. Which is real?

They all sound fucking they're fucking awful. Sound terrible. Chili stuffed meat lovers pizza, creamed corn chicken sandwich, super sour sweet fries. They all sound like they could be real is my issue. I kind of feel A, but I don't know. What do you feel like? This is your prize. I don't want to blow this for you.

Several of these just sound like actual current menu items at the Jollibee. Yeah, I feel like all three of these must exist somewhere, but I feel like my... What if all three are real? No, one is real. We're not going to

pull one of those. Alright, no tricks like that. I kind of feel like, but what do you think? I mean, that cream corn chicken sandwich could be real, too. Audience, what are you thinking? One, two, or three? One and three. Super sour sweet fries.

Now, which hat is the baseball under? Just kidding. You guys have never been to a sporting event. I don't want to blow this for you, so... No, I... You were thinking B? I don't know. B could be good.

Jessica, spit it the fuck out! Okay, I'm so sorry. I know I said we weren't going to treat you properly. I want you to feel confident in what we choose. Oh, no. I felt A, but I don't know. You never know. All right, I'm going with Mitch. We're going A.

I'm sorry. It was creamed corn chicken sandwich from KFC Brazil. You fool. Never go with me. I'm bad. I'm an idiot. What kind of creamed corn has that much cream cheese? Yeah, it is.

It seems to be a co-branded thing with Philadelphia cream cheese. So, yeah, it is a chicken-branded thing with Philadelphia cream cheese. You were right. I blew this for you. So yeah, that is awful. No wonder Brazil is having such a bad time. No wonder they're a second world country. They're eating shit like this. Okay, Nick and Trevor.

Let me ask you, at this stage in the game, is it mathematically possible for us to lose? Yes, absolutely. What's the score? Okay, all right. Okay, here we go. What a dick question. I just didn't know what the score was.

Do we have to keep going with the quiz? The scoreboard's not visible. I didn't know. He doesn't even know what it is to be a dick right now. His emotion circuit has shut down. Okay, here are your has shut down. Okay, here are your choices, guys. The triple-decker

cod supreme, the lobster and caviar burger, or the all-mustard-everything fried fish sandwich. One of these items is real. The triple-decker cod supreme, the lobster and caviar burger,

or the all-mustard-everything fried fish sandwich. Let me just, as someone who used to work in game design, let me compliment you guys on the effective heightening here, because we have landed on the most difficult question for both of us, the third part, and that's just a well-structured game. You're going to need special moves to defeat this boss. Right. You might need to go back and grind some more just so you can level up.

Trevor, do you have any initial thoughts here? Farm some runes. Gather lavender. The thing is, lobster and caviar burger is a very real thing at some restaurant. I feel like that's a menu item I've seen before. But that makes me think that it's not this because we're looking at something that's unique to a specific location.

All mustard everything fried fish sandwich, that to me sounds like a very British thing that would exist, like a very UK thing. But what do you think, Trevor? Yeah, it sounds like good reasoning, and A sounds like it could be possible too, but I'll go with you on that one. I'll go C.

Yeah, you think A or C? Can we use a lifeline? Do we have any lifelines? No! You could poll the audience. But I'll go with you on that one. I'll go C. Yeah, you think A or C? Can we use a lifeline? Do we have any lifelines? No. You can poll the audience. You polled the audience on the last one. So I think you guys got one. Okay, we'll use our lifeline.

Do you guys have any thoughts? We'll poll the audience. One, two, or three? What are you guys thinking? A, B, C? B! Hearing some Cs. I think we're going to go with C.

No, I'm sorry. It is the lobster and caviar burger. That is a Wendy's Japan item. Wendy's Japan. It looks like the claw is on the burger. Holy fuck. That's a nightmare. Yeah, that is a nightmare burger for sure.

That's crazy. And there is no burger, right? Oh, wait, there is a burger. Yeah, I think there's a burger patty, a lobster claw, and caviar, which looks like turds. Rabbit turds. Rabbit turds. What is on the left? Because there's clearly a beef patty on one

and then the one on the left has like potato salad? I think that's the mush from the mush burger earlier. Now with more mush. Mitch and Jessica, are you guys ready for your absolute final question? 100%. This one's for all the marbles. You're behind two points to two and a half

points thanks to some very generous scoring policies. And we've also run out of good birthday boy sketches to mention. There's no scoring from charm this time. This is all gameplay. Which of these is real? The Buffalo Supreme Triple Snack Burger, the Dried Pork and Seaweed Donut. Or the Hinto Shrimp Chocolate Shake.

The chocolate shake that tastes a little like shrimp. Well, C seems clearly like it's not the one. Yep. Even though I like it. I feel like it has to be B. To be clear, C does not have shrimp in it. It just has a little soupçon of shrimp flavor. It reminds you of shrimp.

Yeah. I feel like A exists, but I like it. It sounds too real. It's sort of like putting a shell up to your ear reminds you of the ocean. So the shrimp shake reminds you. It tastes like chocolate, but gives you a feeling of the seaside.

You want to say B? I do. All right. B it is. Ladies and gentlemen, we have some new champions. Mitch and Jessica. It's from Dunkin' Donuts China. And oh, boy, does it look bad.

Wow. It really could not look more terrible. Well, Jessica, it looks like... Weiger is livid right now. Wait, how many questions did we each get? They went first, right? They got four questions. You got three questions. They got four questions.

We got three questions. And they got bonus half points. Yeah. So with a huge handicap, they're able to somehow eke out a victory. Yeah. This is very... This sort of... USA.

This completely unfair playing field is very bef this sort of, USA. This completely unfair playing field is very befitting the Patriots fan on the other side who's relied on cheating in multiple Super Bowls. Nick,

I would say this. I would say that Mitch's legendary likability is an asset, not a handicap. Right. He's a very likable man.

I know that. Sorry, Nick. Trevor, your prize, your consolation prize, will be this piece of paper from a real live Jordan Jesse Go show. Feel free to wad it up and throw it in the audience and hurt somebody. I feel so bad. I hope that this prize isn't really great. Yes.

That's fine. It's a little Batman guy. A little Batman guy. That's pretty cool. That comes in the bags. It's a Loot Crate exclusive. Ladies's fine. It's a little Batman guy. A little Batman guy that comes in the bags. It's a Loot Crate exclusive. Yet another company who has never sponsored Jordan Jesse Go. Loot Crate. Use offer code Adventure Zone.

They refuse to sponsor our show, even though I drive past their office every day on my way to work and just smolder about how they won't sponsor our show. Well, that's reason enough to give us money. This is awesome. I'm going to keep this. Thanks so much for helping me win this prize. Give her the Batman Mitch. Trevor and Jessica. Thanks, guys. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Hey, Max Funsters. You probably know that I run the Put This On Shop at putthisonshop.com, selling gentlemen's doodads and knickknacks, gift items, vintage and antique items, something wonderful for every guy in your life this holiday season.

You can use the code FULLCHORT at PutThisOnShop.com if you would like to get free shipping there. But in addition to that, we will be having a live in-person sale at MaxFun HQ Saturday, December 3rd from 11 to 4 p.m. You can find all the information at putthison.com. That's putthison.com. We'll be selling all kinds of stuff with discounts on everything. I'll give you a good price on everything you want to buy from Put This On pocket squares and the other things that we manufacture, including scarves and caps and whatnot, and vintage and antique items, all of them in person,

including me. And you can, you know, if you ask, I'll show you the studio, aka the death box and all that kind of stuff. Putthison.com for more information. Creativity, comedy, and new friends are waiting for you at max fun con 2017 max fun con west returns to lake arrowhead in june and max fun con east is back in the poconos in september don't miss a stellar lineup of hilarious comedians live podcast recordings of your favorite max fun shows and an embarrassment of amazing classes to choose from tickets for max Thanks for watching. Want to do momentous occasions?

Why don't we? From time to time on the show, and by from time to time, I mean every single episode, we like to go to our audience and hear about some momentous occasions, moments of shame, etc. Yeah, and now we will do that live. Ladies and gentlemen, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez.

Hold on a second. Trevor, runner-up prize, five bucks. Whoa, get up here, Trevor. Five dollars. Great work. Yeah, yeah, enjoy that fiver. Whoa! Get up here, Trevor! $5! Great work. Yeah, yeah. Enjoy that fiver, Trevor. $5. Arguably better than the Batman toy. I don't know. I like that Trevor utilized that opportunity while collecting the $5 to turn our performance into a receiving line for his wedding.

Trevor, I liked it. I thought it was great. It was great. We've got something from Brian here. Is Brian here? Where's Brian? Brian, come on up. Grab this microphone over here.

Oh, Mitch has it. You don't have to come all the way up on stage. We don't want to talk to you for that long. Brian, what's your momentous occasion? Don't get off stage. That bums everybody out. But don't sit in the chair. Stand up. Stay on stage, but stand up. Brian, how tall are you?

Can you put one foot up on the stage and one foot down on the ground for me? Yeah, that's good. Thanks, buddy. That's perfect. Now, everybody in the audience, let's take a knee. We're going to pray. Actually, you might go back to your seat. What do you got, Brian? What's your momentous occasion? So I was in New York

last week. Congratulations. Thank you. I live in Seattle, so it's not... You know what? Go sit fucking down. If you're going to just big time on us that you've been to the legendary Big Apple, America's greatest city. Okay, fine. I'll listen. What is it? So you're from Seattle.

You took that crazy plane out to NYC. And I heard about the Chris Gethard show, Career Suicide, which is really funny. You ever there? It's off-Broadway. Yeah, good job. Just plug another podcast. It's a show. It's not a podcast.

Okay, you can plug that. Great show. After the show, podcast. Oh, okay. You can plug that. Okay, good. And great show. So after the show, me and my friend were waiting for him to see if he'd come out and shake anyone's hand. So we waited for a while. There were some other people there. And we figured, okay, he's not coming. So we walk outside. And we're standing on the street.

And then we see him sneak back in. And we're like, oh, let's go back in. So we get the doors weren't locked. So we just walk out back in. And we're hanging there. I mean, he's sneaking. He clearly wants people to come up to him. If you've noticed, he's sneaking around.

He's clearly like, I hope someone comes to find me. So then he's talking to these couple people and we're sitting there and he's kind of not paying attention to us. And we're like, oh, well, maybe we can just shake his hand and leave. And then slowly we realize, oh, he knows these people. They're like his friends. and we just crashed it. And they're like, oh, Matt's going on tour, and how's Bill doing? And we're like, oh, crap. So we decided, do we sneak out, or do we say something?

So I eventually interrupted and said, hey, I'm so sorry. I'm crashing this. I really like the show. Thanks. And I walked out. You know, you played that pretty cool. You played it cool. That was a potentially really fraught situation

But I think you did a pretty good job The quick hello and then the zip out is nice It was super chill of you to wait till later to murder him in his sleep I've been in that position before Where you're like, should I leave or should I talk to him That's a tricky one I thought it was less awkward to shake his hand and leave than just sneak out. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah. No, I think you did the right thing. And you got to meet him. That was the main point. Was he nice? Did he talk to you? Oh, yeah. He was very nice.

Oh, perfect. It worked out great. Quick peck on the cheek? A little more of a nap, I know. Okay. Second base. That's cool. Cool.

Well, congratulations. Way to be a classy guy. Brian, everybody. Where's Charlotte? Is Charlotte here? Charlotte. Charlotte. Yes, ma'am.

Come on up. Come on up. Charlotte, ladies and gentlemen. Hey. Wearing some sort of custom couples t-shirt, it would look like. Grab that microphone so we can talk about this shirt you're wearing. This one? Here we go.

No, right here. No. I got you. You got it? Hello we go. No, right here. Take it from Mitch. You got it? Hello. Hi. Tell us about this shirt. I'm going to need to see one put up on the stage.

It says Matt Sarandon Hart. Matt Sarandon. That's from fucking Friday Night Lights. It's from Friday Night Lights. It was part of a couple's costume. My boyfriend was Matt Sarandon, and I was Matt Sarandon's grandma. You guys are a couple's costume. My boyfriend was Matt Saracen, and I was Matt Saracen's grandma. You guys are a little kinky. You guys are fun.

Okay. It was a real shirt that she wore on the show that I recreated. And then we went to a Halloween party last night where it was not well-received, so I decided to just try again at a podcast festival. Was it not well-received because people didn't know the show, or they were grossed out that you guys were into grandma play? We just spent the whole night begging people to watch Friday Night Lights. That was the same problem with my sports night costume last year.

It wasn't on for that long. It was really good. The costume that you have to explain... It was hilarious, but had funny moments. Right. The costume that you have to explain is a very specific kind of humiliation. Like when you're in that state, it's just, it's very awkward. I'd like to think that that was the problem with my costume when I went as Snoop from The Wire, but I realize now there were other problems too. Oh my God.

I want to say that you've positioned yourself just perfectly where it looks like I'm looking into the sun and I can't see your t-shirt at all. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. It really is a remarkable. Did you old up yourself? Yeah. Well, I mean, I had a wig and I had some like spandex elastic waist pants.

Well, I mean, it's not like, I mean, here's the thing. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I've seen Friday Night Lights. It's not like me and the other Friday, and I really like Friday Night Lights. It's not like me and the other Friday Night Light fans are like hanging out like, uh-huh. Remember that time when Matt Saracen was with his grandma and she was wearing that T-shirt?

Oh, see, all I do is talk about Matt Saracen's grandma. She is the best person in the show. You guys seem fun. What's your romanticization, Charlotte? I teach at a school in South Central LA and we just got a federal arts grant, so now we have an art program

for the first time. Oh, congratulations. That's so cool. Thanks, Obama. Michelle. Oh, cool. All right. That's so cool. Thanks, Obama. Michelle. Hey, thanks, Obama. And so how will you and the kids be

kind of working on ways to murder Chris Gethard? Or how is that going to enter into it? Not at all? Just going to be prestige drama T-shirts? Yes.

Pretty much. Do you sneak in watching Friday Night Lights? Do you make your students watch Friday Night Lights? Our spring show will just be a great scene between Matt and his grandma. I actually had the same problem. I went to a Halloween party last night. It's casual Bosch. Didn't work?

No one got it. I'm like, Bosch on the weekend. Oh, Amazon's Bosch. Amazon's Bosch. No one got it. I'm like, Bosch on the weekend. Oh, Amazon's Bosch. Amazon's Bosch. I was thinking Chris Bosch. Yeah, I was thinking Chris Bosch from the Miami Heat. Yeah, sorry. You guys are vindicated. No one laughed.

I was not being clear enough. I should have said casual Amazon's Bosch. If you haven't seen Bosch, you need to see it. Go home today and watch Bosch. I like Bosch, but still when someone seen Bosch, you need to see it. Go home today and watch Bosch. I like Bosch, but when someone says Bosch, my first thought is... Don't accuse Nick Weiger of disliking Bosch, if that's what you're doing. I like Bosch. It's a good procedural.

I just like... Even as someone who's seen the show, when someone says just Bosch, Amazon's Bosch is not my first thought. First thought's going to be Chris Bosch. Second thought, Hieronymus Bosch. Who Amazon's Bosh is not my first thought. First thought's gonna be Chris Bosh. Second thought, Hieronymus Bosh. Who Amazon's Bosh is named after. Yeah. Third one is gonna be Bosh, the video podcast network.

Is that called Bosh? Are you thinking of a Jash? I'm thinking of Jash. Very close. What age range are these kids? What age range are these kids? Elementary? What age range are these kids? Elementary school. Oh, wow.

Okay. So performing arts, will it branch out into the visual arts? Are you guys making macaroni paintings? Yes, so we got four arts teachers. So we got drama, music, dance, and visual arts. Like full time? That's so cool. Dang.

My kid goes to a fucking fancy ass public school in Los Angeles and like it's like yeah well if you want you can pay $300

for half an hour and some some lady will give your kid crayons yeah it's really above and beyond what we thought

we were going to get and then it's also teacher training so the teachers are learning how to do art in the classroom so it's pretty cool

uh hey how about a hand for a actually cool, heartwarming, momentous occasion? Thank you so much. Brian, is it time for the grand finale? You want me to tease the grand finale. Guys, I put this out there on Twitter,

and that's probably why there's so many fucking people packed into this room. Yeah, by the way, I'm sorry. Can on Twitter, and that's probably why there's so many fucking people packed into this room. Yeah, by the way, I'm sorry. Can I just, real quick, for those of you who are out there in the hallway, I'm glad you're watching this on the monitors. We are so grateful to have you here. And for everybody watching on closed-circuit TV

around the world. And you know what? Brian, how about this? Take two tickets to our show, run over to the Paul F. Tompkins show, and let somebody know they just got upgraded. Yank them out of that show. Guys, this show will end with a very special picture,

a highly anticipated picture that a lot of people have been talking about. Picture from the animal kingdom. From the animal kingdom. This will go out on social media later, but you guys are going to be the first people to see the hot new picture that everybody's going to be talking about around the water cooler.

Bigger than the dress. Bigger than those legs that are shiny or might be painted. It's going to be huge. Stick around. Don't leave like five or six people have so far. Stick around

for this hot new picture. Okay, another momentous occasion. Okay, something from... Let's go with Jason. Jason, come on up here. Okay, Jason, here he is. How you doing, Jason? Hi, Jason.

How are you? I'm good. I'm without a microphone. There's another one, another bad boy over here if you want to try that one. It's on. Hello. Hey, there you go. All right.

Apparently I just suck at microphones. We're professionals, Jason. Yeah, we get this. What's going on? Jason, there you go. Apparently I just suck at microphones. We're professionals, Jason. Yeah, we get this. What's going on? Jason, looking good. I like that high and tight look. Oh, thanks. He doesn't even know.

You cut your own hair? Jason's girlfriend or wife, Yellen, wife, she pointed to the ring. Yeah, he put a ring on that. She knew what Jordan's first priority was going to be after the show, getting all up in there. Sorry, gentlemen, she's spoken for. Okay, what's your moment? No!

We need to address the fact that Jason cuts his own, gives himself a fade. Is that true? Self-fade. Turn so I can see the back of your head. Damn, that's pretty good. That is really not bad. That's a good job. That's pretty good.

How do you do that? You're like with a mirror or something? Yeah, there's a complicated system of mirrors. Cool. And like years of mistakes. Got it. Do you have a background in cosmetology or hairstyling or anything? No.

My wife gave me a straight razor for my birthday once, and then I just kind of... So your background is in old-timey murdering? Yeah. He worked at that barbershop on Fleet Street, if I recall correctly. What's your momentous occasion, Jason?

I'm a classical composer, and I just got a big piece played by a band in Kansas City, Missouri, and it was premiered to rave reviews. Wow. Congratulations. Congratulations. What's the

name of the piece? The piece is called Burn It Down, Salt the Earth. It's a happy piece. Yeah, sounds like a hoot. It's really uplifting. Yeah. Can you kind of hum it for us into the mic?

What's the band? Megadeth? Yeah, when you say band in Kansas City, I'm thinking of like a moonshine jug and a washboard. That would be awesome.

No, it's the Mid-America Freedom Band. They're actually a LGBT... A group of Trump enthusiasts. You'd think that was the name. But apparently freedom bands are like these, like I said, LGBTQ bands all across the nation, and this is like the chapter in Kansas City.

Right. And they're actually all meeting in Palm Springs like this Friday. Like, all these freedom bands are sending representatives to Palm Springs to form like a mega freedom band. Oh, so that's why this isn't more full. Everybody's down there at Palm Springs. So like a symphonic

band then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like trumpets and drums and clarinets. How many pieces are we talking about? How many pieces? Yeah. In the band. In the band? I don't know.

You wrote the fucking piece. Not for as many people. You wrote the music. I did. You have to write what instruments you want people to use on it. I don't say like ten clarinets. Right. That's true.

And you can't hum the music? Why can't you hum it? Sing the song. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it.

Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. Sing it. You know, I have a little bit of a background in woodwinds. Really? Yeah. In high school, I played clarinet, saxophone, and bassoon. And I was in the Southern California All-Southern Orchestra playing the bassoon.

Oh. So I know what sort of... An applause break. That's what you wanted. My 20-year-removed teenage accomplishment. I appreciate that. No, but I know exactly what you wanted. My 20-year removed teenage accomplishment. I appreciate that. No, but I know exactly what you're talking about. The sort of symphonic band, the idea you've got some double reeds, you've got some single reeds, you've got a brass section, you've got a percussion section.

It's a whole ordeal. It's like the wind equivalent of an orchestra. Right. Yeah. Is that what you originally composed it in mind for, or were you thinking like an orchestra and it got adapted for that? No, no. They asked me to do it. Oh, so it was commissioned. Did they come up with that catchy title?

I wasn't commissioned. Did you get paid to do it? I got paid a small honorarium. It was equal to one student loan payment. Hey, that's not bad. That sounds okay. Only like 500 bucks? 1,100 more payments to go. No, no, no.

I got paid like $100. For like eight months of work. That sucks. But the thrill of creativity. I mean, you got to meet Dave Mustaine. Brave reviews. I actually have met Dave Mustaine. He's a lovely man.

He was actually very, very friendly. I mean, he's like, if you look at his Twitter, he puts a lot of stuff out about chemtrails, and that makes you a little worried. But then if you actually talk to him, he's a very, very pleasant man. I worked on a commercial for one of his recent albums. I directed it, and he was, this was probably like three years ago, and he was very excited to act and wanted to do more acting.

So look for that. He's got an arc on The Good Place coming up. Right. I hear he's the new Bosch. Amazon's Bosch. Also a bassoon enthusiast. He signed up thinking it was Hieronymus Bosch. Hey, how about a hand?

Congrats, Jason. Thanks, guys. Congrats. Okay. One last moment. And then this photo that everyone has been dying to see. Yeah, Nicolette. Come on up here, Nicolette. Where's Nicolette? Here she is. Nicolette, how are you?

Nicolette, first of all, welcome to the festival. Where are you here from? Texas. Texas? That's in the southern United States. Yep. I don't know. This is going great. Where is that?

Down by Oklahoma? South of Oklahoma, yeah. Cool. They play like north of Mexico, right? Right. Cool. Yeah. Whereabouts in Texas?

I live in San Antonio. Oh, all right. Spurs. Go Spurs. Yeah. Spurs country. So it's a basketball team there. The Spurs. The Spurs. Spurs country. So it's a basketball team there. The Spurs.

The Spurs. Cool. How's the mechs? Does it have a text quality to it? Tell us about that mechs. It's really good. So you have a momentous occasion. Yeah.

What is it? I recently had an awesome milestone. Last year I had two brain surgeries, a total of five surgeries in one year. I would have a surgery and it wouldn't take. So it kept going, hitting five. I was like, I'm going to give it one year before I feel like

I'm out of the woods. So I just hit that last week. Congratulations. Way to go. Yeah, thanks. Wow. I had a really punk rock haircut for a hot six months. When you say punk rock, what do you mean? Do you mean just a random patch shaved? Yeah, just this strip of jagged Frankenstein stitches.

It was pretty hardcore. Cool. Oh, man. Did you celebrate with some mechs? Where'd you go? The Alamo? Yeah. Lots of cheese enchiladas. This is the thing, because I listen to the podcast,

and Momentous Occasions has always interested me, all the things that are happening. But within this specific context, where the entire audience could fit into the same escape room, we have still heard so many fascinating stories. Like, everyone's lives are interesting. This is amazing that all these things happen to people.

Except for Nick and I. We are way more boring than everyone here. You guys ate a red lobster for a month. Which probably gave you brain tumors. We're sort of like Studs Terkel figures. We're just gathering like Studs Terkel figures You know Like we're just Gathering stories Right

And sharing them Where's our Arts grant story core So I imagine That was very scary You had to You had to go under And they

Like a Yeah I don't know how Hold on one second Don't tell story core That I hate them This is really important For my career

In public radio Linda Holmes Do not tell story core Do not spill it that I hate them. This is really important for my career in public radio. Linda Holmes, do not tell StoryCorps. Do not spill it. Well, it was kind of funny because I play music. I'm a singer-songwriter, and so I was like, well, I'll turn... What's your band? Megadeth? Just me, just Nicolette.

And I was like, well, I guess I'll turn lemons into lemonade. And I had an album coming out, so I was like, oh, this is a great PR angle. But then it kept happening. I was like, oh, well, the arc is kind of over. So now you have to get a whole new disease. I can't top that. Can I ask, not that personal of a question,

but did they just remove a fragment of skull to operate? Is that what happens? Yeah, they take an Oreo-sized chunk out of your your skull and then they go in and they clean up or whatever it was like an infection in the brain and like an abscess this is like so gross sorry guys no that's it's fascinating you're gone please then they like put the chunk of skull back in which you're not supposed to do and so i would hear i was like what is i hear something sounded like crackling and then i realized it was like my skull moving around. I was like, oh.

That's awesome. Yeah. And so then on the, so then they took it out. I was like, yeah, don't put that back in there. So do you have a hole in the side of your head for your skull? Like if I got stabbed right there, I'd be a goner. But also like, you know, anywhere else that's soft. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Olak.

Yeah. Folks, we've been Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. This is Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, the Doughboys, Nick Weiger, Mike Mitchell. Our producer is Sonny D, Brian Fernandez. Thanks to the sound guy and everybody here at the Now Hear This Festival. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present to you a picture of Jordan's cat, Bug, wearing a pumpkin hat. Pumpkin hat. I'm safe. You let these people knock off a man.

I'm somewhere to play. I'm a blueprint to a real man.