Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 456: Nogs and Toddies with Brian Huskey

Episode Date: November 28, 2016

Brian Huskey joins Jordan and Jesse for discussion of Christmas negatives, Jesse's nog preferences, and the appeal of Charlie Brown's Christmas Special.  Plus, the guys break out the JJGo Mailbag, and Jordan makes up a song about shopping at Target.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Goh, of course, your weekly test of whether laughs can come out of you yet. It's like a Pepto-Bismol to soothe the ball of fear in the pit of your stomach. Well, it doesn't so much

get rid of the ball of fear, it just coats it. It gives it a nice coating. God, what I wouldn't give to have an animation of my stomach with a ball of fear in the middle. What does the ball of fear look like? Is it a black skull?

Yeah, I mean, roughly. Yeah. It's sort of deformed and lumpy, though. I mean, it's not a pure, it's not like a crystal head vodka bottle. No, this is a skull that has been maybe deformed by some sort of demon. Like, you know how they say when they find like an Utsi? Remember Utsi? I don't.

He's like a mountain man from the olden times. Oh, sure, sure. They found him. They figured out that he had straw tied to his feet for insulation. So when they find an Utsi, they look at his skull and they say, oh, it's got these weird lumps and everything. He died because another Utsu era. They bludgeoned him because they wanted his feet straw. Exactly. They can figure that out. That's called archaeology. And so in this case, the

pit of fear in the center of your stomach is sort of like that. It's sort of like one of those. And you can infer, oh, yes, you've been bludgeoned. Oh yes, they've compressed your head using a head compressor as the Mayans did to make their skulls pointier. That's real. That's the... I think we can picture

the fear now. Okay. That's the first step to getting rid of it is being able to picture it, I think. Then that pink Jordan Jesse Goh slides down, coats the walls of the stomach, and it coats that ball of fear. It's multi-action. Also prevents diarrhea. That's nice. Should we be making medical claims like this podcast prevents diarrhea?

Yeah. I mean, you know the- Test it out, asshole. Listen to this at the Cheesecake Factory. My Facebook- See what happens. My Facebook has been alive with things about the FTC or one of these federal agencies saying that you have to label your homeopathic medicine as not medicine. Like it just has to have a thing on it that says it doesn't work.

We should probably put one of those on. If we put one of those warnings on Jordan Jesse Go, just a Just a big, like Jordan, Jesse, go, and it's got that race car that Brian designed, and that's cool. And then underneath it just says doesn't work. Doesn't work as medicine or entertainment. Yeah. Hey, I got some mail. Yeah? Just before we introduce our guest, I wanted to go into the mailbag.

And now I should say for our guest and maybe new listeners, Jesse said mailbag like it's a segment that we do. It is not. Yeah. So our first thing, this is just, I don't, it's not a good idea to just open mail on the air because what's in there? Who knows? Anthrax.

I mean, that's, yeah, that's, I mean, that's the most likely option. And, well, I'd say there's two likely options. Anthrax, Bed Bath & Beyond coupon. I think it's mostly like you're really hoping for Anthrax because otherwise it's almost certainly something that's not worth the time on your podcast. I actually have a service. It's kind of like a blue apron type thing where a company just delivers me loose powdered sugar. And a lot of times people will go, oh, it's Ant-Tex. I'm like, no, no, it's just my loose powdered sugar delivery.

Were you at our college when they shut down the entire thing because there was two people who were doing a fun thing where they would borrow something from each other and then they would return it by mail, even though they lived in the dorms together, and one of them borrowed a cup of laundry soap from the other and returned the powdered laundry soap in an envelope, and they had to shut down the entire college for like two days. That is some UC Santa Cruz shit right there. Yeah, okay. What do you got?

Oh, wow. So this is from someone named Andrian in Fair Oaks, California. Beautiful country. Haven't been. This is a window decal, a custom window. This is pretty solid. And it's a custom window decal that is in the form of a presidential thing. Now, the bad news is they mailed this to us two days before the presidential election.

So it is already a dated premise. We could have turned the tides. This only would have come sooner. And it says Duke Goobler 2016. Oh, look at that. Duke Goobler 2016. There's some at that. Duke Goobler 2016. There's some text at the bottom.

I can't see this. It's got a little piece of paper over it. Two in the pink, one in the stink. Yeah. Great. Yeah.

You want to put that on your car? No, sir. For new listeners, that is a running joke on the podcast. Very clever. If you had been listening

this whole time, that would delight you. So what's your fucking problem? You should be listening frequently enough to where you get inside jokes. Sorry. I don't mean to yell at recent or casual listeners. But don't go back to the beginning and start listening from the beginning.

No, don't go back. That was 10 years ago. Don't listen to that. It's not good. Start at the beginning of 2016. Maybe listen to that one. That has all the inside jokes that you need. Maybe listen to that one where Paul Rust and Neil Campbell came on and they were the two candidates for president.

And one of them, I think Neil was running as the guy who wrote Look Who's Talking To. And he was running against Paul as Bart Simpson. That one's fine. Don't listen to any of the other ones around that. Yeah, no, sir. I also got you a gift. Oh. I know you're a comedian.

You have to write things down. So this is a big boy notebook from Bob's big boy. It's because you're such a big boy. God, I am a big boy. You're a big boy notebook from Bob's Big Boy. It's because you're such a big boy. God, I am a big boy. You're a big boy. So big. I'm a big boy. I got to get a son.

Yeah. God, I got to get a son. You got to get a son. I'm such a big boy. I need my own boy. Yeah. Well, thank you, Jesse. This is great.

This is like a promotional item for Bob's Big Boy. I think it's- My favorite restaurant. For sale. Oh, yeah? There's a price's Big Boy. I think it's for sale. There's a price in the corner. Oh, it's 25 cents. There was a time when Bob's Big Boy was such an iconic character in America that if you walked into your local Five and Dime, the Woolworths down by the corner, you were looking at peachy folders. One of the choices was a Big Boy notebook.

I have questions about this. Maybe we should introduce our guest on the program. He's a beloved entertainer. There's no doubt about that. I'm an institution. I'm an entertainment institution. You've seen him on television

in a broad variety of programs. Like a Prairie Home Companion? Veep is probably the most. What's your top credit? We could go recent. Okay, we'll do recent things because that's how you promote things. Right.

I'm on a show called People of Earth on TBS right now. Yeah, alongside our friend Wyatt Cenac. Yep. Another period. That's a great show. Comedy Central, Children's Hospital. Co-created by our friend Moshe Kasher.

Guy Branum writes on that show sometimes. The Real O'Neils, but that's like, who cares? I mean, no offense. I mean, literally millions more people than care about any of these other things that we list. The hipsters that we're trying to appeal to. Yeah. Just guys, so you know, I just do that just for the money. Actually, I really enjoy the work.

It's pretty funny. I bet it's pretty good. I mean, it's pretty good. But you're great on it. But otherwise, I'll slag them in private. And he's also now the star of his own television special, which is very distressing. Not the fact that he's the star of the special. The special itself is very distressing. I think we, Jesse and I star of the special. The special itself is very distressing.

I think we, Jesse and I, both got to watch an advance of this. Have we said your name? Brian Husky. It's Brian Husky. That's it. That's who I am. Congratulations on your Pepto-Bismol fear formula endorsement deal. That's huge.

Thank you. It's going to be big for us. That's huge. We're going to retire off this. Especially now. Jesse and I both got to watch your special, which thank you for sending along an advance. I feel like a big shot. Doing the work.

And people – You know what I loved about it, Jordan? I had those counter numbers up in the corner that were turning while I watched it. I was like, oh, yeah, I bet this isn't even color-corrected. That's time code, baby. You guys got the inside scoop one. It's not the final sound mix. Now, I think there's a lot of like kind of buzzwords that get overused these days.

Epic is one of them. Everything's epic. Everything is epic these days. Kids. Come on. Kids is another buzzword. No, the kids are using that. Most people are adults.

Let's face it. We're big boys. Thank you very much. And one of those I think is descent into madness. Anything that is like a little bit crazy these days people call it descent into madness your special is truly a descent into madness and it's not it is the the correct use of that term in the most literal sense yeah is an apt summation of what happens in that particular show which i you know even in, even in talking about it, like sometimes we're like, well, do we let people know that?

Do we not? Because there's a little, there can be a little bit of a reveal. It's clear from the start. I guess so, but you don't know how it's going to get there.

But yeah, so the quick, I mean, the quick pitch is it's a kid's show that takes place in the mind of, someone's lost their mind.

What's this thing called? It's called Mr. Neighbor's House. Yeah. You know, Brian Husky looks real cute in a bow tie. He does. Yeah, right? Boy, howdy.

Clean up real good. Mm-hmm. Real good. What were we talking about that we were going to bring him in on? Oh, the big boy. So there was at one point, and when was this notebook printed? Let's see if I can find a date on this thing. I'm going to look at it.

I'm going to say 72. Yeah. That sounds about right to me. Yeah. So there was a time in American life when you could put the big boy on something and sell it. Yeah. What are the characteristics of the big boy? What is he like?

He's cherubic. Sure. He's very humble cherubic, the design they have there. Big cheeks. Yeah. Big eyes. Doughy. Sure.

Adorably pudgy. But I mean, the character, is he just- Is Astro Boy a copy of Big Boy or is Big Boy a copy of Astro Boy? That's a good question. I bet Astro's a copy. Of Big Boy? That's a good question. I bet Astro is a copy.

Of Big Boy? Because once Big Boy became – because there's Bob's Big Boy. In the South, we call it Shoney's. So in different regions, they have different names for the same franchise. Here on the West Coast, we call it Best Foods. We call it Trader Joe's. It's very confusing. Like how in the South they don't have soup plantation because of the dark legacy of slavery. Well, because there are actual soup plantations down there. So it would be like, oh, you want it down there the Frazier's have? No, that's no.

That's where they harvest soup. Here in Los Angeles, we do have soup plantation. That's because we've solved racism. I, the first time I heard that someone used that in an improv show, like as a specific reference or put it, you know, put the scene there. I thought that was one of the funniest things that someone had made up. And I was like, oh, that's real. Okay. Trump 2016. Hey, this is not a place to air your political views. He already won.

Okay. You don't need to continue. I wonder how many podcasts are just like, yeah, let's just stay on topic because if we go off down that road, every podcast will discuss the, quote, recent events. Yeah, yeah. The impending road. So, you know, whatever. It's all good. I've got a –

Real O'Neils. Watch it on – Check it on ABC. I've got a- Real O'Neils. Check it out. Check it out. ABC. I think ABC. A question about classic institutions while we're talking about the big boy. Yes. And Brian Husky.

And Brian Husky. What's the deal with Snoopy? What's good about that? Oh, God. What's good about Snoopy? The peanuts in general or Snoopy- Is it just a general wistful feeling? No. He had his time in the sun.

He was a power player for a long time. I know that. I just watched a Snoopy last year for Christmas. I watched Christmas Snoopy. You mean a Charlie Brown Christmas? Okay. There's a differentiation because I don't think there's an express Snoopy specials. Snoopy is Jewish.

Yeah. So he wouldn't have a. Agnostic. I don't think I had ever. I'm not saying there's a big man in the sky. I don't think I'd ever examined the idea of Snoopy. But I genuinely didn't know. Like the premise of it is that Charlie Brown is sad.

The whole Peanuts universe, the premise is that. The most important thing to know about Peanuts is that Charles Schultz suffered from lifelong depression. And that informs everything that you will read in Snoopy. The fact that he goes to a therapist who shits on him. In Snoopy. The fact that he goes to a therapist who shits on him. Sets up like a roadside therapist stall. Right.

That he's continually just getting, you know, he has expectations that are getting dashed. To me, Snoopy is like his, this inner voice that's always mocking him. You know, he has this dream of this girl. It's just him working out, Charles Schultz working out his stuff without cutting himself. it's just him working out Charles Schultz working out his stuff without cutting himself watching the special what I was struck by was not that it was bad because I don't think it was bad

great it being like the most important thing I thought the music was beautiful cool it was very boring great and I didn't know whether everything was boring then.

Yeah. Or whether it was like a bold choice to make it so boring. Like I know that my son. You mean the pacing of it and stuff? Yes. Like my son could not believe it was real. Like he could not believe it was a show. It was so boring it like made him want to cry but the other thing is

likewise and i'm not trying to segue back to the special but i had to watch mr i wanted to watch mr rogers stuff and a bunch of kids show before i did our our version of the show and the pacing of mr rogers show was so slow and so calm and everything. And I think at that time, appealing to children, they were almost like, let's get them into a calm place where they're going to pay attention as opposed to now where they kind of whip them up into a frenzy. You know what I call it? Generation SpongeBob. Oh, boy.

Man, he went there fast. Geez. Really? You know, Sacred C cows with this guy. Yeah. I was going to say it's the Yo Gabba Gabba effect, but if you want to go even earlier, that's great. Yeah, thank you. I guess Snoopy seems maybe even like a concession.

It was really great. A concession to kids. Like, he is the thing that a kid would like in Peanuts. Because he's a World War I fighter. Yeah, kids love World War I. Why is he in the French Foreign Legion? Because kids hate the Kaiser. They're afraid of the Kaiser.

Don't you check under your son's bed for the Kaiser every day? I just feel like there has to be this whole set of cultural references that I'm missing in Snoopy because I'm not from the greatest generation or something. Yeah, it started in the 50s and then it kind of hit its stride in the 60s and stuff. So it's referencing – going back to referencing that time is – I don't know. I guess it would be weird to have an adorable animal character now that's sort of like talking about the Iraq War or something. But distance, you know, a certain distance. It's like how M.A.S.H. is about Korea, not Vietnam. Right.

I don't know. The music was amazing. Music's great. The music is so beautiful. It's Gherbaldi? Yeah. Vince Gherbaldi? Yeah. Oh, I'm personally sick of that soundtrack because my sister played it every year at Christmas

way too fucking much. It's one of the only good Christmas things though. Like, what else are you going to play? About the 45th thousand time it gets a little like jarring and grating, but 43 through 44 in the pocket. It's great. But there are like three minute stretches of that show. Christmas,

Charlie Brown, where he's just walking. There's so much walking and there's so much traveling. Yeah. There's just jazz music playing and there's like- The kids won't understand if Charlie Brown's at the school and then he's at his house, we need to see him travel the distance. The geography of this room, which is just one corner to the next, we want them to know.

And the aesthetic is pretty abstract. So it's really, there's a lot of scenes where like six characters are on screen, the music is playing, and then all that's happening for two or three minutes is just only the feet of one of the characters

is moving. I guess like, I guess Peanuts was a, you know, newspaper strip and that's not necessarily for kids. No, no.

All this stuff was started. So it does seem like maybe they retrofitted Peanuts for kids. Yes. When it was supposed to be a thing for adults to deal with the sadness in their lives. Yeah. We're going to filter them through these adorable hydrocephalus head kids to give you some perspective on yourself. I want to do a quick Christmas check-in.

Okay. Because this episode will be- Tis the season. Airing at the beginning of the quick Christmas check-in. Okay. Because this episode will be- Tis the season. Airing at the beginning of the big Christmas build-up. What cultural touchstones of Christmas have significant meaning to you? What are the things that you are happy come around at Christmas? Let's see. Yeah, we always watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special.

Liked it. Grinch. Liked the Grinch. Grinch is pretty good. I guess I'll look... These are ones that still hold up for you. Is that what you're saying? This is like something that you're...

Like, I love This Christmas by Donny Hathaway. Like, I'll listen to that song. I listened to that song in September. I don't give a shit. Right, right. But then again, I don't like to live by other people's rules. I mean, yeah, you're a bit of a renegade. A maverick.

Black sheep. Yeah. But, like, that's something about Christmas that I fuck with that all year long. I'm happy. I'll time bin fucking Christmas all year long. If I'm in Target and This Christmas by Donny Hathaway comes on, I'm kind of getting down in the Target. Whereas if Jingle Bell Rock comes on, I want to shoot myself. Right.

My least favorite. I'll do two negs before I do some more pauses. Yeah. Mine is that Paul McCartney Christmas song. Fuck, that is a horrible song. That is. Neg. That.

Yeah. It makes me feel like there's bugs on me. It is the sound of when you're tied down in a madman's shed. And he's dumping a jar of bugs that he's been saving on you. It really is a trial. I almost feel bad putting it down because people are like, oh, it's the worst Christmas song. Is that a, is that a? Yeah, I think so.

What does that remind me of? That simply, happy, wonderful Christmas time. Was that a Wings era? That was, right? Like a 1976 or something. That's why I feel like any time a Christmas song pops up from someone like that, like an icon, they're just like literally like, well, you're being asked to do this. And they'll shit it out in like five minutes while they're in the studio. I guess that is still big business, the Christmas album.

Oh, totally. I feel like that used to be an even more gigantic that everyone would just do an entire Christmas album. I mean, speaking of someone who once interviewed Rob Halford as he was promoting his Christmas album. Seriously? His metal Christmas album. Yeah, that thing fucking rules, too. It's really good.

That's amazing. Yeah, that's good to know that I'm not in the minority on that because I feel like I hear it everywhere. I feel like it just is everywhere. It's genuinely, and this is not about Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney's great. Paul McCartney's great. Because I feel like I hear it everywhere. I feel like it just is everywhere. The thing that he is better at than anyone since like Irving Berlin or whatever, which is he thinks of a little thing that sticks with you. Oh, yeah. And so that song just stays inside you. It's like literally –

It's a musical tapeworm. It messes up your mental digestion. Yeah. It's eating your calories. Yeah. It will make you lose body weight. Yeah. It messes up your mental digestion. It's eating your calories. Yeah, it will make you lose body weight. It's fucking awful. It's a diuretic that you can't stop. Okay, so that's one.

Thing two. This is for the fellas in the audience. Why can't the ladies look a little more pretty on Christmas? Thank you, I know. I want a present. There's a couple presents I'd like to unwrap. Dump them out, ladies. Ooh, I like this character.

The Christmas misogynist. Yeah, that's right. Merry Christmas. Dump them out. Dump them out. And this is something that a woman could do. I want to be fucking all the way till three Kings day. There's 12 days of Christmas.

Let me get in that ass. Yeah. Get in that ass. That's good. Stop saying the diehard is a Christmas movie. Everyone knows that you're not the first person to say that. Stop telling me that like you're the first person to observe that Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Yeah.

I've never had this tense social moment with somebody. I feel like – I always – just to be fair, I always just say let's just steer clear of Die Hard. Like I like to keep my friendships intact. So let's just not talk about it. I like Die Hard. And I think that it is fun that it's a Christmas movie Die Hard is a dope movie

Die Hard's great I watched Die Hard like two years ago when I was like yeah that shit's still pretty fucking dope absolutely it's not a

not a I mean this is not a I'm not slamming the quality of Die Hard but I feel like this is something that I have to deal with nine times a year.

Somebody just going like, my favorite Christmas movie? It's Die Hard. You know Die Hard's a Christmas movie? Like they're the first guy who has ever thought of that? Like, no, that is something that everyone says all the time. Yeah. So stop. Yeah, but that's the guy in the office who's really funny and who should probably try stand-up.

He should. Yeah. But he's so funny. the office who's really funny and who should probably try stand-up. He should, yeah. But he's so funny. Jordan, have you ever thought about – He's thinking about doing some open mics. He does voices that are crazy. Yeah. I don't know where they come from. He's a little twisted.

Oh, my God. He goes there. I don't know what happened. So, yeah. I needed to find some impressions songs, Curtis Mayfield's vocal group. I typed impressions into YouTube accidentally. Oh, God. It was dumped into the world.

The first nine pages are Stewie, right? Of people much more successful than I am who are the funny guy at their office. Who is the hot impressionist right now? Oh, it's not. That's the thing. Like, it's not even like it used to be that you had to be Terry Fatore, the guy who won America's top talent. Or, I mean, let's go Rich Little, the man of an empire of it. Frank Gorshin.

Frank Gorshin, yeah. Or, and then it was like, oh, and then you can be like Aries Spears or Jay Pharoah. Right. And you're like that but you're a black guy. So you're doing Denzel Washington and Jay-Z. Now just, it's just like

a video, the popular impression video is, I did 7,000 impressions in 33 seconds. And so they, yeah. And they just go, hey, forget about it! And it's like, you know. That's not a knife. That was pretty good.

Good Dundee. It started off kind of bad. Yeah. Pulled it out. Jamaican or Irish. That's not a knife! Hey man, that's not a knife there! That's not a knife. Bop, bop, bop! What if Beanie Man starred in Crocodile Dundgeon? That's me, David S. Pumpkins.

That's not a knife. Things I'm excited about? Yeah. Seasonal drinks. Oh, you're talking about seasonal cocktails? Talking about nog, talking about a toddy. You're a nog man. I'm a nog man.

I'm a recent nog man. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Tell me more. Didn't like nog before, now I'm a nog man. I'm a recent nog man. Oh, really? Tell me more. Didn't like nog before, now I kind of like it. Not a good story. It is such a crazy thing. Here's a creamy, thick

egg drink. Here's like a post-workout drink with alcohol in it. You're trying to bulk up and get fucked up. Egg nog, fucking bourbon, you're doing up. Trying to bulk up, man. Eggnog, fucking bourbon. Yeah. You're doing it.

Trying to blast my quads and get a little fucked up. Dump them out, ladies. Can I interest you in a beverage? Perhaps something with yolks and cinnamon? Yeah. Yeah, it's almost like, I feel like that was born of a bachelor's panic. Of like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I can make something. I can make tons of stuff here.

What I think it literally is. Spaghetti with ketchup on it? Yeah, that's a drink. Is that like before cocktails were invented, which was not actually that long ago. Oh, yeah? Like maybe like 1900 or something, cocktails got invented. And please don't write me cocktail historians. Actually.

Like the main kind of mixed drink involved dairy. Yeah. And it's just a leftover from like the kind of mixed drink that George Washington would have had. It's like the only one that's hanging on. Well, it could be. It also is, I'm sure at some point is like have medicinal purposes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

To balance your humor or something. Sure. Sort of like how we impregnate oranges with cloves. You know what I mean? Yeah. In the hope of creating

a new orange. Yeah. Hybrid technology. It was a couple years ago on the show. I said I didn't like nog. A listener sent me his personal nog recipe.

Made it at home. Pretty damn good. Oh, that. I said I didn't like nog. A listener sent me his personal nog recipe, made it at home. Pretty damn good. Oh, that's nice. I like to make nog. I guess I was just having an inferior nog. Sometimes I feel like I will make nog. I love to make nog from scratch. How do you nog? It involves eggs.

Nah, lost me at that one. It's like, is there a word around? You need a nice eggless nog. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of gross stuff in it. Yeah. And it comes out gross. I mean, you know, it's a gross drink. Yeah. nice eggless nog. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of gross stuff in it. Yeah. And it comes out gross. I mean, you know, it's a gross drink.

I love eggnog. I feel like if you, I, my experience with it was making it immediately and then drinking it was good, but I like left it in the fridge for a couple hours and then went back for a little more nog and it had gotten gross. Did it turn into a custard or something?

Yeah, there's just a skin or a film that it develops and I think you could probably whip that away. Or leave it and just see what happens. Yeah! But I've made nog for social gatherings on a number of occasions that I was quite proud of. I like that we're in the pocket

around and we're just referring to it as nog. But you know, what kind of nog? Yeah, I'm trying to save time here i was having a nog with bobby deniro oh yeah yeah and um i i feel like if you if you offer nog to people the range of reactions is extraordinary where some people are nog lovers like myself i'm a nogman all the way. But some people will legit get angry at you. People will be like, what the fuck? Fucking eggnog is gross, dude.

Like, how dare you? It's like a dare. Try this. This smells weird. Try this. Try this holiday drink. Drink these eggs. I don't want to get into trouble with nog anymore. So I just have my secret shame is just sitting at home drinking some nog. Solo nogging.

My wife will bring home some grocery store nog. Grocery store nog is not that good, though. My sister loves grocery store nog. Really? Which is one step away from meth addiction. She just goes crazy. She'll drink a big old- She hoard it?

No. She'll be drinking it into February? She'll get one for herself, and there's another one for you guys. But she just will. Nice. And just pound it. I feel like. And she doesn't do little shots of it?

Like she'll get a 16 ounce thing and just sip away. Go to town on that nog. Yeah. I like a, truth be told, my favorite nog is like a high end nog. Sure. Like from a high-end nog. Sure. Like from a fine ice creamery. I used to get nog as a kid from Mitchell's Ice Cream in San Francisco, great ice creamery. But then – or a homemade nog, a well-homemade nog.

You got to get one of those instant re-thermometers to cook the eggs enough without making it into – Way too much. Having a curdle. Taking it into having a curdle. But anyway, my other favorite type of nog would be like a generic grocery store nog that's basically nog flavored milk. I think that in between, like if you want to give me like a Southern Comfort branded nog, not interested. I don't want, I want either, yeah. How would you feel about- Thrifty's brand nog.

So you're not going to get a Williams-Sonoma nog, right? Because you know that they're out there. Sure. J.Crew nog. No, I don't believe in J.Crew nog. I don't get nog at any of the mall stores. It's got a wonderful color. It's like a rich cloud.

Pottery Barn has a nice nog. That's true. That's true. And so does Sbarro's. Yeah. There's a few good places to get nog at the mall. Rejuvenation has a wonderful nog. I learned something about Sbarro's when I read an internet list, 15 facts you don't know about Sbarro.

This is why we can't make a living in the content industry. Shooting yourself in the foot. We're not shooting hot fire like 15 things. No. So this was something we were reading around at midnight because there's a very short list of TV shows that we can make fun of on at midnight just because they don't advertise. Like you can't take a shot at Burger King because there's probably going to be a Burger King commercial on. Right. You know.

Yeah. But the list is very short. And the only three that people would recognize, the only three that aren't like super regional. Lumber Liquidators. Lumber Liquidators. Sbarro. Yeah. So one of them is Sbarro, Cheesecake Factory, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.

Wow. So, you know, if you watch that show every night, you will notice an inordinate amount of slams against those three restaurants. Why do they hate us? We were going to endorse the show, like give you some sponsors. Yeah, right. We were going to do, yeah. Dear Mr. Hardware.

It's me, John Sbarro. We're going to back Family Feud. Screw you. My thick, chewy pizza. Yeah. Apparently, Sbarro, part of its initial store was a cheesecake made by the founder, the founder's personal recipe. And the cheesecake they sell is that same recipe to this day. So it's like a turn-of-the-century cheesecake recipe. Made by machines.

Yeah, made by a weird tube. Made in vats that are like 70,000 gallons at a time. Yeah. So big cheesecake fan over here. So I've been thinking about how am I going to get this Sbarro cheesecake. Have you tried it before? I have not. I'm curious now.

I'm really curious. Okay. I don't like cheesecake. Well, then you're going to want to order something else. Cheesecake is another committed, creamy descent. You really got to get in for some post-cheesecake farts. Oh, boy, yeah. Don't eat it right before bed or stay warm all night.

Yeah, it's called the lonely man's cake. Camper's nightmare. The tent ruiner. I love to go out camping, eat a nice piece of cheesecake. All I do is eat cheesecake all weekend. Don't build a fire. No need to. Just get in my bag.

Brian, what are your holiday yays and nays? I would say they're very vague. The yays are, and having a kid like brings the yeas back around. Like the yeas. How old's the kid? Nine. Okay. The yeas are just decorating the shit out of a place.

You know what I mean? Like really kind of going all in. For a while I was like, I don't, why? Why so much? But like doing it with her, you're like, yeah, okay. That's cool. Definitely. I don't – why? Why so much? But like doing it with her, you're like, yeah, okay. That's cool. Definitely – I don't know. I mean it's such a cliche, nay, but don't start – they started doing Christmas music early, like the first week of November.

And there's got to be a rule that the week of Thanksgiving or the day after, start it. When you say they, are you talking about your family? I'm talking about society and my family, which is part of society. My wife... They is CVS. My wife basically has to white-knuckle it through the

rest of the year until she can finally listen to Christmas music again. When does the Christmas music start around the house? You start it? Because you'll do it in September, I know. Well, only this Christmas by Donny Hathaway.

You know that's my jam. This Christmas. I don't want it before. Just after Thanksgiving. Yeah. Right, after Thanksgiving. And I will not allow it. I don't like it after Christmas, but I will allow it to continue after Christmas until

what's the last Christmas? Is Three Kings Day the last Christmas day? Boxing Day. No. You know, your 12 days of Christmas. My wife's family is Catholic, so they actually celebrate Christmas, you know, instead of coming after Advent. You know, like all the days. They know what all the days are.

Isn't Advent leading up to Christmas? Advent comes up to Christmas, and then Christmas is 12 days. Oh, that's stupid. Lame. What are we doing? It's like, okay, the Jews get like eight days and we're going to go for 12. Like, come on, guys. Why are we trying to outdo each other?

Yeah, it's 50%. Let the Jews have this one. Oh, don't believe us. Our Christmas is so much better than your version of Christmas. That's cute. Oh, eight days. That's cute. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got a third more. Sorry if I'm not trying to take the three kings out of Christmas, Mr. War on Christmas. Oh, boy. I bet you're against those goats in the manger, too. Too many rules for Christmas. Let's just keep it simple. Let's keep it simple, stupids. So those are your cons.

I sure hope the Starbucks cup has a big Jesus on it this year. Santa con. Santa con. Santa con. Anticon. I'm at the point don't like their Christmas album I've always grown up with a thing

where everyone the family gets presents for everybody else so you end up getting an enormous buying an enormous amount of crap that's not sincere

and receiving a lot of that yeah every constantly just like can we just do a special gift a gift for this person you know

change it up never get into it and it's like a bad we just do a special gift for this person? You know, change it up, never get into it. And it's like a bad cycle because it's being passed on to my daughter. Of course, they should get all the stuff. Right. You know. She's nine years old. Give her a lot of presents. She's still believing it.

Yeah. You won't buy her anything. No, no, no. Not during the regular. Not even at Christmas she gets socks. Every year I do wait. I was like, well, I think Santa's going to cover this because in a way I do believe in him in the sense that he'll fulfill my responsibilities. But, yeah, every year she's crying, just tears.

Yeah. I understand. I do the things I do love. I love the high-stakes tension of getting up in the middle of the night and setting up all the Santa stuff and eating like – By the way, children should not be listening to Jordan and Jessica. If your children are listening to Jordan and Jessica, this is your fault. Well, this is a hypothetical. This is another show I'm working on.

Hey, kids got to learn about dumping them out sometime. Might as well be from us. Dump them out, kids. Kids got to learn about dumping them out sometime. Might as well be from us. Dump them out, kids. So have either of you ever had a, like, Santa set up? Hey, Jordan, two in the pink, one down the chimney.

Am I right? That's right, baby. Right up your stocking. Right up your stocking. Have either of you ever had a difficulty doing Santa set up it seems like it's a delicate dance because you don't want to wake up the kids but you want to one of my most vivid Christmas memories

is when I was about 15 it was Christmas Eve and my two I have two much younger half brothers one of my half brothers is 7 years younger than me and one is 14 years younger than me. And they actually – I think they listen to this show. So hi to John and Brendan.

I love you very much. But, yeah, so my brothers were asleep and my dad was sitting at our living room table and he just goes, Oh, fuck, Jesse. I got to go get Christmas presents. Will you come with me? Oh, God. It was Christmas Eve at like 10 o'clock at night. Oh, fuck, Jesse. I gotta go get Christmas presents. Will you come with me? Oh, God. It was Christmas Eve at like 10 o'clock at night. Oh, boy.

We had to just go. What are your options? We just went to the Toys R Us and just bought whatever was left. Okay. That's nice that the Toys R Us is open. Yeah, the Toys R Us is absolutely open because they know about my dad. So it was just a... They know what Lee's up to.

It was just like sacks full of like Nerf bullets. Yeah, loose Nerf bullets. Yeah. Loose Nerf bullets. The only thing that was left. No guns. Sorry. Just throw these at each other. Pack of peanuts.

I don't know. We got you this copy of California games for the links. Yeah. The hottest game that everybody's talking about. Last year's Barbie closed. I was thinking it would be like, oh, boy, a hardware store? I don't know. Yeah.

There was one year the Black Sheep, my stepbrother in in a black sheep family, like didn't have anybody's Christmas gifts. And was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go. I got to go meet a friend. And he went and he clearly went shopping at the drugstore. And so Christmas morning people were unwrapping like. Cough medicine. You know, one was like a box of chocolate covered cherries. Like, oh, that's cool.

And then, yeah, the other stuff was sort of like a notebook. Like a spiral notebook. Pencils. Great. Bandages. Is there anything sadder than that little toy section at the drugstore? I definitely, like, whenever I walk by that, I imagine, like,

a desperate dad who forgot a present. And yet, so perfect like I'm always astounded with my daughter's like I'm gonna go look at the toys I'm like all right yeah I would be very dissed by this and you know if it's small and plastic they're into it it's crazy my wife's family is huge as I mentioned Catholic fat uh Fat? Yeah. Real fat-sos. Horribly obese people. It's the nog. It's a nog addiction.

My wife's family is enormous. They all live in the same place. They all live in Marin County, north of San Francisco. And so they used to – her grandfather is very, very old. Her grandmother has since passed away. But when we first got together and for many years thereafter, they would have this huge Christmas party every year at Teresa's grandparents' place that would have 90 people at it. Yeah. All of whom were directly related to Teresa.

All family. No. Yeah. And one friend. There's no friends. Yeah. No friends. And yeah, just 90 people there. There's no friends.

No friends. And yeah, there's just 90 people there. And Teresa's grandparents, bless them, would get a gift for every person there. Whoa. But that meant that what your gift was. Yeah. Was a $15 gift certificate to Macy's. Sock.

Pack underwear. One sock. Yeah. So, like, what it was like... You were amazed that they would get a gift for everyone there. I mean, it was, like, awe-inspiring. And they would also... But the girls would often, instead of a gift certificate, would get, like, a pair of earrings from Macy's. Like, costume jewelry earrings from Macy's. Like, a $20 pair of earrings from Macy's, like costume jewelry earrings from Macy's, like a $20 pair of earrings from Macy's, which no one wants that except for a 12-year-old.

Yeah, yeah. Especially one that someone else picked out. But, yeah, like you would just go to Macy's like all year long. It would just be my wife and I trying to figure out something that we wanted to buy for $30 at Macy's. Yeah. You're just like, because literally like- The gift certificates are only good for one year. So you can sort of backlog a bunch and come in with $300 worth of them.

One year, the other side of the family, they would give us a gift certificates to Amoeba Records. Whoa. Yeah. They were so fucking cool that's why yeah because they pay but you know what some people are saying the same thing about grandma with the macy's i mean yeah we get these stupid amoeba you go to the certificate but the macy's was so cool go to that get like one eyeliner i don't know like what do you get at macy's as you

said underwear but a pack of underwear costs more than $15. Oh, yeah? One underwear costs like $24. I guess you're getting yourself a $5 pack of underwear then. Yeah. I would love, give me a $15 gift certificate to Target where I can get a pack of underwear for $15. Maybe her intention was to turn it into a little family outing and pool together your gift certificates and then you all buy your underwear and each gets one.

And it continues that sort of bond. I like the idea of having a unified family style of underwear. Like everybody in the family wearing the same underwear. Yeah, the family. Men, women, children. They all have the same undies. Pets.

Everybody's got it. The family genital coverage has been the same for years. Yeah, that is the safest low value gift card is Target, isn't it? Yeah. Because you're going there eventually. Yeah. Target or Walmart, depending on where you are based. I mean, just go there and get four Icy's.

You know what I mean? Sure. Fucking Icy's are great. That's like my kind of Starbucks gift card. The main reason I'm going to Target is to get an Icy. Got to get an Icy. On my way somewhere else when it's hot outside. The worst is, though, and I've definitely had this, is the years where it's just like,

all right, well, we're not coming to see you back in North Carolina, so everybody just gets an Amazon gift card. Amazon safe, too. Or an email. That's a safe one. Here's an email where you just go and click. It's a lot of emails and clicks. That feels gross. I want those safe one. Here's an email where you just go and click. It's a lot of emails and clicks. That feels gross.

I want those eBay bucks. Those are nice. If you need to give me a generic gift, hit your boy with some eBay bucks. eBay bucks is what I want. Yeah. All day long. I was – we're taping this on Sunday. Sunday morning.

Yeah. 6 a.m. I didn't have it very happen on Saturday night. Not a lot of plans. Great. No judgment. I went to Target. Oh, super sad.m. I didn't have it very happen on Saturday night. Not a lot of plans. Great. No judgment. I went to Target. Oh, super sad.

Yeah. I didn't feel great about it. I was in Target like late and like a late on a weekend Target. And asking people like, what are you guys up to tonight? Anybody going anywhere after this or grab drinks? Oh, you were in Target too. That's cool. Oh, cool.

Yeah. But I thought up a song that made me feel better. A Target song? Saturday night's all right for Target. Gonna buy some soap and eggs. I felt okay about it. That's pretty good. You might get sued if you release it, but that's a good song, pretty good.

I think I could probably safely put that out as a ringtone and then make a little cash off that. Just minor some of those major notes. You're fine. Oh, God, I'll buy some soap and eggs. Eggs. Eggs. Yeah, just yell eggs at the end. I like the Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas special.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I like the song This Christmas by Johnny Hathaway. Mm-hmm. I also hate that Paul McCartney song. Yep. Yeah, we got that. I also like hymns. Mm. Mm-hmm. I also hate that Paul McCartney song. Yep. Yeah, we got that. I also like hymns.

Mm. I like hers. Or like, boom, I'm the best at everything. I like to listen to like a Baroque Christmas album. Mm-hmm.

You know, or like something with a lot of... Yeah, a nice dirge. It reminds me, I mean, like,

you know, I went to Episcopal Church as a kid. I like the, reminds me. I mean, like, you know, I went to Episcopal Church as a kid. I like pipe organ Christmas, like giant. Not like calliope style circus Christmas. But, you know, like a very dignified classical style Christmas thing. Yeah. Or I like Pee Wee's Christmas special. I do like a really well-decked out, committed Christmas party, which I'm asking people to invite me to this year.

I haven't been invited to a party in six years. Yeah, yeah. The last one I went to, it was not well, just kind of like, yeah, we went to a 99-cent store, and here's poison. That's some inexpensive poison. Yeah. store and here's poison. That's some inexpensive poison. Yeah.

But when I was back in New York, I went to this lady, producer lady, and she just did it up and it was great. And then you feel like you're in love actually or whatever. You always feel like you're in the scene from some Christmas movie. What about ugly Christmas sweaters? You know, I get how that's like an obnoxious trend. Yeah. And I get how that is the, you know, a realm occupied by the kind of person who is fun but not funny. Yeah.

And like a person whose thing is being outrageous. And I get that's annoying. But I want to be invited to one of those. I just want to. I bet it would be fun. You know what? I could probably silence the grumbling for the night. Yeah.

Get a fucking ugly sweater and have a good time. I think I can manage that. The difference is if you have the fucking ugly sweater and you're wearing it in the hopes, much like the guy who mentions Die Hard's The Christmas Party. Sure. This is the same guy. Yeah. Yeah. Same guy.

Yeah. Oh, I'm wearing the sweater too. But you're doing it. It's the guy who has a parrot on his shoulder down on the street. Like, I didn't even notice. What? Oh, you don't have one? Okay.

Yeah. Juggling top hat. But a room full of bad sweaters is great. Yeah. It's like a Halloween party. Have you seen Whoopi Goldberg's ugly Christmas sweater? She got her own line of

Christmas sweaters. Oh. Really? One of them has two Black Santas kissing each other. Really? Yeah, it's awesome. Fucking Whoopi Goldberg's cool. That's the main take home from Jordan Jesse Go. I saw one of Black Santa doing the dab. Oh, that's what's up.

I'm like, you know what? I think I'm okay with this. I think I'm going to go ahead and be okay with this. Yeah, just like Loretta Sanchez. Do you guys have- California senatorial candidate. Yeah. That was a great dab.

Wait, so you have kids. Yeah, I have a five, a three, and a neonatal. Wait, a prenatal. Oh, wow. You love kids. The one's on the way. Nice. So are you creating your own traditions, or are you borrowing family?

No. Well, we just bought a cabin, and we're going to do Christmas at the cabin this year where there's snow and shit. Do they have Santa anxiety? Because we can't travel because my daughter is really concerned that Santa won't find her. Oh, wow. And I'd be like, sweet. Can you leave Santa a note?

I was like, yeah, we can leave him a note. I mean, he's watching you all the time not to creep you out. So he knows that our plans might be to go back to North Carolina. Do you think he only does it if you do a formal like re-delivery request through the usps yeah you know his website is terrible you can pick up one of those relocation packets at the your local post office yeah i know but the thing is like they they don't we don't have a zip code for the north pole it's just santa north pole like so they're like well we can't get it to him. Yeah, zip code of the North Pole is 000bullshit. 000 degrees.

I have a couple. Like, my mom has been sending me things that I didn't realize were weird at the time. But my mom went to China when I was, like like four years old, four or five. Left you behind? Took you with you? Yeah, just left for China permanently. She lives in Sichuan province. She went to China right when they-

Great province. When they first opened China to non-Chinese you know like when big bird went to china my mom went to china and she brought back this uh village this chinese traditional village made of clay little pieces you know like i was hoping you would say she brought back over 200 simple mountain folk and said here are your new siblings. And we would set that up every Christmas which made sense to me because it was a thing that we did every Christmas but to my children, I don't know how

I'm going to explain to them oh yes, well your grandmother went to China one time and brought this back. It doesn't technically have anything to do with Christmas except that it was around Christmas when she went to do it and you can't just leave it up in your house all the time. Yeah. That's a great explanation.

She also would- Stick a little Santa hat on one of those guys. Hang the- Boom. Boom. Hang the tree- Baby Jesus. Hang the tree with colorful upholstery ropes.

On the tree? On the tree. Upholstery ropes. They're very pretty. Yeah, like the kind that you would use to tie back a window dressing. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they're in beautiful festive colors, but my wife thinks it's very strange. I don't really know how to.

I've seen that. I don't think that's weird. Okay. Yeah, that's a thing. Okay. That's a thing. Yeah, so there's a few things. I don't know.

I think we're going to have to see what happens when we go up to the cabin. This will be the first time that we do that. But I think like snow things maybe. Have you ever thought about maybe getting lost in the woods and undergoing some sort of ordeal? Yeah. Oh yeah. That would be a beautiful tradition. Especially if the local vicar saved us.

Sure. Yeah. Just do an Into the Wild Christmas. Find a nice school bus. Oh I love an Into the Wild Christmas. Eat the wrong mushroom bus. Oh, I love an Into the Wild Christmas. Eat the wrong mushroom and die. Okay, okay, okay. This first segment's way too long. We'll be back in just a second. Christmas.

Are you in need of a shake-up? La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la East is back in the Poconos next September. Tickets for both are on sale right now, and they will sell out. Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets today. We can't wait to see you there. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm Brian Husky. I'm their guest. I want to mention something. Since this is almost a holiday season,

as many of our listeners know, I am a shopkeep. I run the Put This On Shop at putthisonshop.com. This is always a wonderful place to shop for Christmas if you like vintage and antique things. And you can always use the code FULLCHORT for free shipping.

However, I'm going to be doing an in-person sale here at Maximum Fun Headquarters, which has also put this on headquarters, on Saturday, December 3rd from 11 to 4. I'm going to be there. Dan, my put-this-on shop assistant, is going to be there. We're going to be selling stuff with special discounts. There's going to be there. We're going to be selling stuff with special discounts. There's going to be some stuff super – basically, if you come to that and you can't find the perfect gift for somebody on your list, then it's on you.

It's your fault. So it's at Max Fountain Headquarters on Saturday, December 3rd, 11 to 4. I will be there. Come say hi. And all the information is at PutThisOn.com if you're looking for it, including the address and so on and so forth. Wouldn't that be on the recipient in that you have all these amazing

cool gifts that you could give to them, but they wouldn't appreciate it? So I want to take the blame off of the shopper. Sure. You know, it's more the recipient. If they're not cool enough to get this stuff, they don't deserve it. Yeah, let me put it this way. Buy it for yourself. I have an enormous, as yet unengraved, bronze, cast bronze cow trophy. Cow trophy.

It's beautiful. Like, it's legitimately beautiful bronze. It's a bull, actually. On a giant pedestal. It's an award. It's probably a foot wide Yeah And the plaque unengraved

It can be a bullshit award It can be a taking the bull by the horns award It can be a big dick award Super horny award You could just put Engrave this as a bull on there That is Just a really literal bull Yeah this is Yep bull on there. They wore it away from it. Just a really literal bull.

Yeah, this is – Pluck checks out. This is an example of some of the amazing shit that we have here. But you can buy it online and put this on shop.com. But come by, get a special discount at the sale December 3rd. And that's right around when your television special is airing, right, Brian? There's a reason you're a pro. These segues are like natural patterns that just happen.

We have really amazing segues for sale as well. To be specific, these are the mobile units, not the transitions. December 2nd at midnight. So I guess specifically it ends up being December 3rd. This is a problem with Adult Swim programming. This is a problem with adult swim programming. Sure. This was a problem with Children's Hospital. People are like, okay, so it's Thursday at midnight.

So it's Friday? Or is it Wednesday night at midnight? I don't know. Just look at a calendar and you guys do the work. I can't do it. Yeah. But we're looking at Friday night, Saturday morning. Friday night.

Friday night. Yeah. Late night. Get into it. Yeah. So. Late night. Get into it. Yeah. So tons of stuff. Please join us there. No sponsors this week, but if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org

slash Jumbotron. And if you want to sponsor Jordan, Jesse, or any of our delightful shows, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org, T-H-E-R-E-S-A. And we've got some momentous occasions lined up for your enjoyment. If something momentous happens to you, we have you call us, 206-9844-FUN. Hey, Jordan, you know I was in Chicago. I'm shopping at this fancy menswear store. I'll give them a plug.

Independence, Chicago. Oh, sure. Very fancy menswear store. I bought myself a nice Levi's vintage clothing LVC shirt. Nice pair of Japanese socks. A lot of Japanese socks at this store. What's special about Japanese socks? They really know their socks. Yeah.

They stay on your feet. Can I recommend a sock brand to you? Yeah, yeah. Check out Anonymousism Socks. Anonymousism? Anonymousism. Okay. Are they very expensive?

They're pretty expensive. You can get them on sale after Christmas or whatever. I mean, I think the retail is about $20 a pair. Oh, my God. But you can get them reduced, but they're fucking dope socks. Okay. All right. Yeah, socks.

Respect your feet. Look, you want to get cheaper socks? Go to Land's End. That's also a good quality sock, but it's not going to be that cool. Listen, I do my Christmas shopping at CVS where they play too much music way too early, and that's where I get cheaper socks, go to Land's End. That's also a good quality sock, but it's not going to be that cool. Listen, I do my Christmas shopping at CVS where they play too much music way too early and that's where I get my socks. So, you know, I should change it up. You kids like Ninja Turtles?

Everybody's getting a splinter. Got nine splinters at CVS. A literal splinter. Yeah. I thought it was the rat teacher. No, I... I shouldn't have started with, hey kids, everyone likes Ninja Turtles, right? Anyway, I'm in Chicago at the sure no i um i shouldn't have started with hey kids everyone likes ninja turtles right anyway i'm in chicago at the chicago podcast festival and uh i'm at this fancy menswear

store the guy who the guy who's running the store comes up to me he says oh you know just so you know i'm a big fan now this does not happen to me a lot brian oh yeah look i've never been in a rapping toyota sienna commercial okay i'm, okay? I'm not a viral celebrity. There are different ways to go about it, but yeah. I am grateful to this guy, and I assume he knows me from Put This On. I'm a menswear celebrity, minor menswear celebrity. And I'm like, yeah, you know, this guy's a shopkeep. He reads Put This On whenever I'm walking around.

And he said, you know, I actually got a momentous occasion on the air the other day hey yeah this fancy menswear store likes jordan jesse go there you go i've had weird encounters where someone's like hey i really like your stuff it's like oh thank you and then they refer to a podcast that i've done a few times and and more and more what are we looking at Not Funny? We're looking at Improv for Humans. But yeah, there's increasingly that's the kind of sighting. And then they base it on the weird headshot that they put up online.

You don't look like that. Podcasts are the new TV, apparently. It is. It's the new radio TV without the TV. So when something momentous happens to you like you're shopping for expensive socks

in a store in Chicago and a guy comes up and he knows about your weird podcast, call it in. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. Hey, Joe. I hope you can hear me okay. I'm calling over Skype. can you pause this brian just pause it real quick you want to give listener feedback on how to present the the mementos first of all he sounds like shit yeah you know he sounds like fucking garbage you don't have a phone go use a fucking pay phone go ask if you can use the phone at your First of all, he sounds like shit. Yeah, you know. He sounds like fucking garbage. You don't have a phone? Go use a fucking pay phone. Go ask if you can use the phone at your corner cafe if you buy an espresso drink. My phone was stolen, so I'm on Skype right now trying to reach you guys.

I need help. But I hope you don't cut me off too early because I know this sounds like shit. That was the next sentence. Call us on Google Hangouts and at least we could put little hats on each other. Jesus Christ. Send us a snap. Mm-hmm. Snap us, and then it's like a fish with bubbles coming out of the mouth.

All sorts of fun filters. He says, this not only sounds like shit, but it has zero filters. Are you going to hear him out, or did he? Maybe we should install a tin can in our office with a string going out the door so you can talk to us on that. It would sound better, you fucking asshole. What the fuck are you? Paul McCartney, 1976? Thank you.

Thank you. Let's hear the rest of the thing. Maybe he just cured his cancer or something, and then we'll feel bad. Just got appointed attorney general. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Joe. Oh, from the beginning.

I hope you can hear me okay. I'm calling over Skype. Sounds shitty. So about 10 years ago, I called into Jordan, Jesse, Joe, when I found out that I had Lyme disease. There you go. I was living in, well, I was a teenager at the time, actually, living in rural Pennsylvania. And I called in immediately after I found out, or I was pretty sure that I had Lyme disease. You know, I had good J.J. Go fans.

And I then called back later to tell you guys that I would be okay, that I got medication. Well, that's changed since then. You know, it's going on a lot. Pause it. Pause it. Geez. Yeah, of course. So let's see.

We got a new president. This guy's going to catch us up. It's the last 10 years. Everybody's driving hybrid cars now. They kept changing iTunes on me, and that was a real problem. Now every movie's a comic book movie. Jeez. It used to be I asked for an iPod for Christmas, but nobody even has iPods anymore, even if you want one.

All right. Hopefully he'll bring up his little line to use his bag every time we mock him. Hopefully this has a good prestige at the end. Yeah, I think the answer is he was misdiagnosed with Lyme disease. The false diagnosis was Lyme disease. The real diagnosis was bullshit disease. Long-windedness. Just go back a little time.

Not all the way to the beginning, Brian. Do not go all the way back to the beginning, please. Please, Brian. Jordan needs time to have a son. Gotta have a son. Gotta get that son. Gotta get a son. And I've actually moved to Thailand, and I live kind of in the jungles outside Bangkok.

Okay, this is... And I got a weird bite recently. And I'm feeling like a slight fever. I'm looking at the bite and it's got a ring around it.

And I got Lyme disease again. God damn it! There you are. I'm good at calling these. So I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow because as long as I get early enough treatment, it's not a big deal. But I just thought it was a really fun kind of anniversary that I wanted to share with you guys.

So, yeah. Happy Lyme disease. Ten years. Woo. Okay. That really is beautiful. You know, sometimes I take, you know, earlier in this call, I was upset. Because he sounded muffled. Sure.

And he was sort of aimless. I now know that these are symptoms of life. Yeah. The foggy lack of focus. Yeah. He just meandering. The Skype connection was actually perfect. He just sounds like that. Yeah. The foggy lack of focus. Yeah. He just – Meandering. The Skype connection was actually perfect. He just sounds like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Him choosing Skype over his cell phone was right next to him, not making that choice. As long as he gets one admittedly painful shot in his buttocks tomorrow, he's going to be fine. As long as he doesn't get addicted to getting Lyme's disease so he can call in and thinks it's a Lyme show. Oh, yeah. Ha-ha. Got to get – It's your Lyme-y so he can call in and thinks it's a Lyme show. Oh, yeah. Ha-ha. Got to get.

It's your Lyme-y buddy. Here I am again. He's just like farming ticks at his house like an ant farm. He's gotten out of control at this point. I think I might be dying. Yeah. Sort of problematic. But it is nice.

It is nice. He's been listening for 10 years. Our show has been on the internet long enough to where a guy can get Lyme disease twice on two different continents. And we're still a moderate scale failure. Sure. And he – Relatively in the same place that we were. In his mind, there's a correlation between Lyme disease and your show.

We still sort of dance on the lemon between should we or should we not continue doing this. It's just barely worth it. You know, I think this is probably the most moving thing since Riley Silverman came on the show and told us that she called in a momentous occasion the first time she went out dressed in women's clothing. That was also sort of like a five ten year gap and of course huge changes in her life but she had never she had not moved to thailand so and this is a jungle man yeah so sorry riley uh who's uh uh which one is real and which one is a her sex changed, but her gender remained the same. Jeez, I'm sorry, trans people. If I'm getting that, if I'm switching that back.

Oh, I got in such trouble. Major transition. The point is, Riley went through a major transition in her life. But it's nothing compared to this guy who can't use Skype. Hey, how has your life changed? I bailed on the premise where I like him now. How has your life changed since you've been listening to the show? Yeah.

Let us know. Yeah. Or don't. Yeah. Or don't. Two options. I want this as a fun segment. Yeah.

That'll be a fun segment. Okay. What is it? Specifically, how has your life changed in the as a fun segment. Yeah. That'll be a fun segment. Okay. What is it? Specifically, how has your life changed in the course of this show? Yeah. Since you started listening to this show. Oh, my God. It'll be more impressive if you've been listening to it for a long time.

Yeah. But, I mean, if you tell us, you know, I started listening three weeks ago. Ten days ago, I learned how to fly. Sure. Then that would make it on. Sure. It's not a long time to be listening, but it is a significant transformation because man does not in and of himself possess the ability to fly traditionally. You know what he meant when he said learning to fly.

He didn't literally. Oh, just PCP? Yeah, just feeling good about himself. Yeah. 206-984-4FUN. What has changed in your life? And keep it pithy. Have you expanded your sexual horizons?

Yeah. Are you transforming into some sort of beast underneath the blood moon? We want to know this. And not just Lothreeper. I know what you're thinking is this only open to loth reaper from the maximum fun reddit no and don't be shitty and be like i've aged 10 years in the past we don't want to hear it you're just wasting die hard to christmas movie you're just wasting our time and by our time i mean Brian's time sure this is why

Brian gets paid barely enough money to make it worth it worth it for him to show up you know maybe just workshopping some stuff maybe you guys could say okay we're gonna go back to a specific episode from seven years ago yeah call and here's

here's what we said in that episode what happened what was happening where were you at that time and then what's changed since like give them target points yeah maybe I don't know i just i i freelance i do a lot of consulting how about really insightful here's a pitch here's a pitch and i want to hear this one if this one applies to you give us a call at 206-9844-FUN okay uh before you started jordan jesse go listening to jordan j Go, you're just a regular guy.

You're a superhero. Now you've killed Osama bin Laden. You've delivered the final shot. Oh, you're speaking to members of SEAL Team 6. That's a small sort of group that you're speaking to. Very small. No, I'm talking about the final shot. So it's really the one guy.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, you really are a very specific demographic. He's not allowed to identify himself, by the way. Really hoping that guy's a listener. You know what? Can I add a little filigree to that? If you're on SEAL Team 5 or

SEAL Team 7, go fuck yourself. Don't call in. So people who aren't allowed to call in Lawthreaper or people on SEAL teams five or seven. Any adjacent SEAL teams to six. Yep. Five and seven were just like they're the towel boys for six.

If you played for the San Francisco SEALs, give us a call. Lefty O'Doul, are you out there? Is that a minor league baseball team? Yeah, from the 40s. If you are a sentient SEAL who's evolved to the point where you can see and use your clippers and fingers, give us a call. If you're a regular seal and somebody can dial a phone for you and then you just go, If you're a seal in the studio taking a break from your new album you're recording, just take a moment. Give us a call.

Let us know what's going on. Yeah, tell us about who you're fucking to. I bet you're fucking somebody fine. If you're like a dollop of wax on an old-time letter. Tell us what's in Boston, Joe. With the king's marking. Yeah. Whose marking is there?

Give us a call. Whose marking is there? If you're an undersea creature that is an eel, maybe a sea eel. Oh. a sea eel. Oh. If you failed and caused the challenger to explode,

a natural tragedy, then give us a call. Give us a ring. And you know what? You can even give us a call if you're some soil. Sounds just enough like it to where it's probably worth it. Yeah, pretty good. Well, we've had a lot of fun.

Sure. Do actually call. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories. In innovative ways.

Using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this. Like this. But let's face it. All that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses.

Being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop Podcasting Yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes. Or MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, hi, I'm Brian Husky. I don't normally be on this show, but I am today as the guest. That's the explanation of me being here. I'm Brian Husky. Brian, we're thrilled, Dan. Guys, it's great to be...

One of our favorite guys. Thanks for being my friends. I wouldn't go that far, Brian.ky. Brian, we're thrilled, Dan. Guys, it's great to be- One of our favorite guys. Thanks for being my friends. I wouldn't go that far, Brian. Please. My favorite. Friendly acquaintances. But if I'm one of your favorite guys, I guess you're keeping me on a safe distance. Yeah.

I don't have friends, per se. I get that. I get that. No. The longer your beard gets- It's just hard for us to commit, you know? Well, you need to get a- We've just been through a lot.

You need to get a son. I gotta get a son. I gotta commit to a son, you need to get a son. I've got to get a son. I've got to commit to a son. God, I've got to get a son. You know what? There are apps for that. It's sort of like a Tinder thing. You can get a son.

Sunwhat? Sunder. You've been swiping the wrong direction on Sunwhat. That's your problem. We're having a problem with the app. Right. Okay, the name of the app is Boy Finder. So it's being misinterpreted in a lot of different contexts.

Sure. And the next thing is we don't know how legal this is. Yeah. But we're rolling it out, so let's go for it. Sure. So, Brian. Yeah. Everybody wants to watch your special.

It's on the Cartoon Network channel. Yeah, the sub one called Adult Swim. Midnight, midnight o'clock. At December 2nd. December 2nd. At midnight o'clock again. At midnight o'clock. That's going to be a great show to watch.

You want to watch? Can we tell you? We should say the name of it so you know what it is. Or you know what to set the DVR for. Or you can finally just tune in at that time. Mr. Neighbor's House. And I wrote it with Jason Mantzoukas and our friend Jesse Falcon. And Rob Corddry is a producer on it.

And John Daly, Nick Kroll, Steve Agee do some parts in it. And then Mary Holland is in it. Mary Holland from Blunt Talk sure Blunt Talk she's great yeah it's a good group of kids

she's now in our improv show that we do at the UCB and she's wonderful Steve Agee sucks though he was

such a piece of shit on set such a difficult oh my god he's such a fucking diva so he packages himself as this like outlier stoner hipster yeah such a fucking diva So he packages himself as this like Outlier stoner

Hipster He is Mariah Carey Six foot tall Doughy Mariah Carey Everything has to be white Terrible The absolute worst when AG's there Oh god I don't care if AG's career

Is destroyed from this He is a fucking monster That guy if AG's career is destroyed from this. He is a fucking monster. That guy. I hope his career is destroyed by this. He deserves it. Yeah. No, I would tell everyone listening to this to tweet at him just vicious hate speech. I heard he moved to Thailand. He's trying to get Limes of the East just so he can get back on the show because he ruined it last time. Steve Agee, if you're listening to this, you are not welcome here.

No, no, no. You're the last person who would be welcome. I would rather have Pol Pot on this show. You are probably the biggest mistake the universe has ever created. The biggest problem and issue for all of us to be focusing on. You're worse than the Crusades. That was hundreds of years of slaughter. Jesse, we actually, we don't have a guest book for

next week. Should we ask Steve to do it? Should we see if Steve's around? Steve would be great. Steve's down. Steve's always around. He's glad to come over. He's got a flexible schedule. I will be, I'll be here at MaxFun HQ on the, what is it, Saturday Glad to come over. He's got a flexible schedule. I will be here at MaxFun HQ on the, what is it, Saturday the 3rd of December for the Put This On Holiday sale.

Come say hi and pay us a visit or use that full short code in the shop. Can I ask a question about what specifically, what kind of stuff is it? Well, like I said, I have that bowl. You got one bowl. So that's. It's, well. It better be more than just like three things. We have a lot of gentlemen's accessories. So we make pocket squares.

We also have many vintage cufflinks and tie bars and little fancy doodads. Doodads. But also like pins and stick pins and other jewelry things that range from. You don't have to be a fancy lad. I just want to emphasize that you don't have to be a fancy lad to find something you like. Dandies are welcome, but they're fancy lads. And then a variety of interesting

vintage and antique, what you might call gift items. So things like that bowl or you can get yourself a beautiful 19th century woolen blanket for your home decor. Great. You can get yourself a vintage military rucksack. Love it.

You can get yourself, you know, things like that. Yeah. You know, little neat and beautiful and fun things. I have great taste, Brian. I went yesterday out to the desert to this very cool place called Elmer's Bottle Ranch, which is this – We're talking high desert? We're talking Oro Grande. No, it's at the edge of the high desert. Okay.

You keep going. And it's this guy who used to go out in the desert and collect bottles with his dad and junk and stuff. And his dad passed away, and he had all these bottles and all this stuff and he just – he used to sell houses and he was like, I'm not going to do that anymore. And he took this little plot of land and he started building these little bottle trees, which are like metal pipe with other metal pipes sticking off. He put bottles on there and he put like a a decorative head on each one like a typewriter. So it's this huge compound filled with all these weird trees like this little maze you kind of walk through. And it's filled with hummingbirds.

Oh, boy. Like hundreds of hummingbirds. What? It's amazing. It's amazing. I would encourage anybody to do a Google search and go out there because it's free. You just like that. That area is such a good place to see like a, a wonderful thing created by a madman. I love that.

I love that. I mean, I love outsider art. I love stuff that's just like, I just did this because a voice told me to do it or sure. Because I'm bored and retired. Isn't this great? I'm quieting something.

Yeah. Yeah. Something needed to be tamped down inside me. What made me think of it was we went to a thrift shop afterwards, and this would be probably something you could sell here. I bought these two bandsaw blades, like circular bandsaw blades that someone had painted these really vicious-looking blades that they painted these lovely decorative pastoral scenes on there. That sounds nice. One's like a little babbling brook, and the other one's like a cottage in the woods.

I just bought a three-dimensional painting of a creepy eyeball. Yeah? That's going to be for sale in the shop. Oh, you bought it to sell it? Yeah. Why don't you keep it? You're done with it? I don't need stuff.

That's why I deal with the stuff. I got plenty of stuff. You have a lot of stuff. I'm a stuffman. Yeah. I love stuff. You're a stufferman? I love stuff the stuff. I got plenty of stuff. You have a lot of stuff. I'm a stuffman. Yeah. I love stuff. You're a stufferman? I love stuff.

Yeah. I mean, you know, I'll swap one thing in and one thing out once in a while between my personal collection and the shop. But this allows me to get out there and pick stuff and buy it without having – while having a place so that I don't have to move to a compound in the desert and build it into trees. Yeah. I was a stuff guy for a while and then I purged. Bailed on it? Bailed on and then so- You mean it was all stolen during the purge?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. During the filming of the purge. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But my place is so tiny.

It makes me sad I can't put this stuff up. So I just spread it out. But stuff's great. Stuff. I'm always amazed that people are so confused. Like, why would you have that? Someone, I guess, who wants to live in sort of like an Ikea environment or whatever, but genuinely like, oh, why would you have a bandsaw that has a painting on it that makes no sense? Why am I getting more Southern as I say it?

Those people are not welcome in my world. Brian, you've got a problem with stuff. Why do you have so many figurines? Why is everything so whimsical and weird? Why? It's so dark. Just have a nice julep. Julep.

Have you guys noticed that there's an enormous amount of hoarders in L.A.? Aren't there an enormous amount of hoarders in L.A.? Aren't there an enormous amount of hoarders everywhere? Yeah, but I've – I had a hoarder neighbor once. I lived in an apartment building where I would – every time I would go by this dude's door and it was open, I would go like, oh, boy. That man has pillars of National Geographic.

I don't know. Maybe it's because they're more car hoarders, but I didn't clock hoarders until I was here. And just so many people, the amazing guy fills up his car where the papers are leaning over into the driver's side seat and they can only make right turns or whatever. Yeah, craziness. And there was this one guy

that we used to drive past his house every day to take my daughter to school. And his house filled up. So he's moved out to his van outside. Oh, boy. And you would just see him in the morning asleep in his van. He's like an 80-something-year-old man. It's the most tragic of mental diseases. It was overt.

Like, hey, you are crazy. Look at all this stuff. That happened in my house. My house was that before I bought it. It was filled with stuff and you had to empty it we didn't have to we weren't in charge of emptying it

somebody emptied it and rehabbed it but that was its state before they emptied it do you ever feel like you have madness ghosts or anything or his weird

sort of like bad no I was like that I was like that already you just hear a voice going that's why you were like oh I can fill this up fill a garbage bag with happy meal toys I can fill this up. Fill a garbage bag with Happy Meal toys.

I can outdo that asshole. Yeah. I think basically the main difference between antiques dealer and hoarder is taste. Taste and knowledge. Yeah. A hoarder is not going to let go of that Krispy Kreme box that's empty because it reminds him of the death of his first child. that's empty because it reminds him of the death of his first child. When my wife and I moved in together, a good friend's mother gave us a bunch of housewarming gifts.

And we're like, this is really generous. Why did she do all this? Oh, we found out later it's because she's a hoarder and because she hoards things for a situation like this. So she was just excited that her hoarding was paying off. That's funny. Going back to the Christmas theme, we ended up with a literal portion of a kind of big closet that was the re-gifting zone. Just all the stuff that we got that were like,

well, in a pinch, we're going to wrap this up and give it to someone that we don't care about. Always nice to have a couple of those around. Nail clippers? Who gives a nail clipper as a gift? Worst gift I've ever been given was by my cousins. It was a Chef Boyardee box of instant pizza mix and an aluminum pie pan.

That was the gift. And it was wrapped really well. This is a future pizza. Yeah, future pizza. This is going to be a pizza at some point. I love that they just gave it like a bag of water, too. It's a whole ingredient. Sure. Okay, Brian Husky.

Watch him on television. Mr. Navis House December 2nd, midnight plug. Brian Fernandez on the boards, a.k.a. Sonny D laughing disconcertingly outside the studio. You can join us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com.

You can join us on Twitter, MaximumFun.reddit.com You can join us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo You can join us on Facebook by liking JordanJesseGo and also joining the Maximum Fun Facebook group Thanks this week to my dog Coco Great job Coco. She has been

a very good dog this whole time She's sitting on my lap right now. She's well behaved I don't think she's barked once during the entire show. She has that. You just mentioned her, and she's got that very self-conscious kind of dog look of both sad and I hope this turns into play. God, they are so fun to project emotions onto.

I love to project. Coco is my special baby. Also, MaxFunCon tickets on sale right now. MaxFunCon.com. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye, America. MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.