Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 457: Wet Spot with Janine Brito

Episode Date: December 5, 2016

Comedian Janine Brito joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of a strip club billboard Jordan sees on his way to work, Jesse's Thanksgiving crisis, and Janine's life working in marketing.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, friend? Doing alright. You know what? I was fucking with you there. I was putting on a brave face. Right. There's something the matter.

Wait a minute. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is this gonna be another recurrence of your classic segment, Something Stuck in My Crawl with Jordan Moore? No, it's not a cultural thing. Okay. But I'll try and come up with one if people want to hear me go off on

one of my classic jags. I was calling them rants for a while and then me and Dennis Miller got in a thing and so I have to call it a jag now. Can I give you a suggestion? People who have watched every episode of Westworld and want to tell you how much they don't like Westworld.

Yeah, yeah. You know, it's not right. Are you teaching a college class on Westworld where you have to discuss it? Yes. Feel free to stop watching Westworld. I don't get that either. Anyway, I'm enjoying Westworld. That's great. No, you know, I got a little bit of a headache.

And I was driving over here and I'm like, oh, what's this headache about? What's this headache about? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I didn't have any coffee today, which is the is the first time in i would say a year that i haven't had a cup of coffee it wasn't a conscious thing it just kind of didn't happen i guess i'm coffee guy now yeah i guess i'm fucking coffee guy and i'm gonna feel weird and headachy if i don't have it but you are not coffee guy in the you went through a period where you were genuinely coffee guy, where you smelled like coffee. Sure, yeah. And just like –

I ground – There was just like brown sweat coming out of your forehead. Yeah. It wasn't a long period, maybe like six months. Yeah, I had a pocket full of beans that I was always grabbing. No, you know, it's a weird adjustment. I think when I first started becoming coffee guy, I – you know, I got too into it. Like, you know, like someone who discovers religion late in life.

Right. Yeah. I was a little too enthusiastic and I was drinking coffee and I think it was, and I think I was also in a weird period in my life and I think the coffee was making my ups and downs more. I didn't realize what it did to me. Like, I'm like, oh, why am I so, why am I having these feelings one way or the other? Like, where are these coming from? Like I'm like, oh, why am I so – why am I having these feelings one way or the other?

Like where are these coming from? Like, oh, it's because you're also shoving coffee in your face and that legitimately affects your mood and emotion. So, yeah, I didn't have any and I guess I'm just having – I'm having to figure out how much is too much and how much is just enough to where I don't get my little headache. Where are you at now? I have had zero today. That seems like too few. Yes, I know. I got to have some.

I should have some. Although it's late in the evening. God, what an interesting conversation. It's late in the evening, so I probably can't have any when I leave, or else I'm not going to get to go night-night. Jordan, I'm just trying to look out for you, buddy. I got to go night-night. What if you just got your binky?

Yeah, the binky would help. But if I'm all ganked up, how am I going to have my binky? Yeah, if you're ganked up, you can't have your binky. Too ganked up for my binky. Well, maybe our guest has some ideas. Let's hope so. She's a stand-up comedian. Hopefully she has a little baggie of Cheerios for me.

Television comedy writer, beloved charmer. Oh, what? Janine Brito. Hi. Hi, Janine Brito. How are you? I'm well. How are you guys? We're doing well. Jordan's got a little bit of a headache. What's your relationship to coffee? Oh. I come from an ancient line of coffee kings and queens. So my dad is Cuban.

And he drank coffee his whole life. His bedtime drink was a cafe con leche. And it didn't affect his sleep. And yeah, just consciously they always gave me Cuban coffee, which is just pure espresso brewed with sugar. It's the sweet tea of espresso. Oh, boy.

I don't think I've ever had this before. Is there somewhere to get this locally? Oh, I don't know. I haven't found any local places. Can I make that for you? Cafe Tropical? Oh, I bet they would do that. And then I'm sure Porto's probably has it.

Oh, sure. Porto's, the famous Cuban bakery of Glendale. Anyway, so you've had this stuff as long as you can remember. Yes. Can I ask a quick question? Is there anywhere that you could get it in the Grove? You know, something funny I've heard about the Grove. Local outdoor

shopping mall. Outdoor shopping mall that is mentioned on all podcasts is I was talking to a man from... Nantucket?

From Nantucket. And if you've heard the rumor, it's absolutely true. This man sucked his own cock and I watched. It was fucking amazing.

Oh, boy. Someone told a man from a region of China who had immigrated here was telling me that the only place he can find food that is authentic to his region of China is in the Grove. What? He's like, I've looked everywhere for it. Nobody fucking does it. There's a guy in the Grove who will make... A crate and barrel? Yes.

There's just a little hot plate in the back. Listen, you have to go install three at the dressing rooms at Forever 21. You knock three times, someone will throw a banana leaf over. It's filled with chicken. There are soup dumplings at the Glendale, not the Glendale. Oh, the Americana. The Americana. I've heard about these dumplings.

That's the Grove's slightly more suburban counterpart. But I'm surprised to hear that. Maybe his regional specialty was sugared pretzels. Yeah, right. He's from the Wetzel region of China, the Wetzel provinces. He's like everywhere else is Auntie Anne's. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I need to get that.

Gotta get a Wetzel. But Ginny, do you have the same coffee relationship that your father had? Yeah, I can drink it whenever. There was two times in my life I can remember I couldn't have coffee. One was when I first moved here. I whitened my teeth. I was like, all right, let's do it. And while I was using the whitener, I couldn't have any. And I sunk into such a deep depression that people were like, what's happening? Are you okay? And then I offhandedly mentioned that I hadn't had coffee in a week. And someone was like, oh, yeah, that's it. Which I didn't realize it had that big of an effect. Yeah, sure.

It was crazy. And then the other time, when I was living in San Francisco, I got sick, couldn't have it for a week. And I worked at an art college. And my first sip I had in the middle of the cafeteria. Hold on. What art college did you work for? Tell me it was a – California College of the Arts.

God damn it. I was hoping it would be Expressions. What? Is that like the Barbizon School of Modeling, an art school? Expressions? Expressions in Emeryville. I did a television commercial for them when I was living in San Francisco. It seems like there would be expressions and then just expressions, which would be a weird strip club.

So do you still have the same compulsive relationship with what I call the brown stuff? Brown crack. That's what I call it. It's like crack on steroids. crack that's what i call it it's yeah it's like crack on steroids yeah i would say i am the downtown julie brown of coffee brown stuff um yeah i when you drink it do you chugga chugga chugga oh god this sucks yeah no i need it at one point i was up to six cups a day when I worked in marketing. It was a combination of wanting coffee and wanting an excuse to get away from my desk.

And wanting to die. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Being like, maybe my heart will go fast enough to shoot out of my chest and end this nightmare. But yeah, now I'm like one or two cups a day. It's manageable. That sounds fine. Yeah. I've heard that the world of marketing is particularly hard drinking, alcohol-wise.

Did you find that to be true? Yes, but I would never drink with my coworkers. That's probably a good policy. I was like, get the hell away from me. Sure. But I would definitely go out with friends. What were you selling, Janine? Oh, God. It was the most boring. I were you selling, Janine? Oh, God.

It was the most boring. I wasn't selling. I was doing market research for. This is going to be the most. Talks they do. Employment verification and unemployment claims management. They were just bought out by Experian. Wow.

Yeah. Experian or Experian the strip club? If only. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I did employment verification for strippers. Oh, yeah.

If I could remember what a good credit score was, I could have made a joke about credit scores there, but I literally know so little about credit scores. I cannot tell you what

is good and bad. Between a 750 and 850 is excellent. Between like 6 to 725 is average. Well, anyway. Anything below that is. This chick's jugs were like at least an 830. There you go. There's on the topic of erotic entertainment. Yeah. entertainment, is this a path you're comfortable going down?

Yes. Um, the two things, there is a strip club billboard that I pass sometimes when I have to drive a sneaky way to work. Oh. Uh, it's not only. Sneaky way as in you stop in before you head to work. Yeah, exactly. Let me just get a little.

Right. Yeah. Sneaky way is you stop in before you head to work. Yeah, exactly. Let me just get a little work. Right, yeah. I mean, and the gals who are there at 6.30 a.m. are, they're beautiful, attentive. Why are you driving a sneaky way to work? To avoid a bail bondsman? Right, yeah, yeah. So the wife doesn't see me. She doesn't think I go to work.

I told my wife I'm a man of leisure. Is that why you're always wearing that suit? Yeah, right. Exactly right. This leisure suit. Like my hero leisure suit. If there's construction or something on my usual route or if there's a little traffic, I'll drive through a neighborhood. Not important to the story.

um not important to the story and had this the name of the strip club is it is something like expressions or uh you know exotic or something like that and it has a couple of exclamations on the billboard one is uh biggest club in town and then in a in a bubble that look that is like a spilled puddle of liquid, it says, it's the wet spot. Oh. What? It's the wet spot. What? Oh, God. In a pool of a liquid.

What? I'm wondering what they mean this to be. Is it male liquid or is it female liquid? I mean, it could be. Like engine coolant? It could be engine coolant. Yeah. It could just be a place for drippy manifolds.

Could be crystal Pepsi. Do they also do radiator work? The stage is a waterbed their stilettos puncture it's a mess yeah they gotta just bring in a new waterbed for every dancer that goes up there yeah we're doing we're doing 40 waterbeds a night but

we got our thing anyway that's gross that's so gross is it supposed to be the strippers i don't know who is who's making the wet stuff is it the men lubricated through their own they're really into themselves yeah or is it just like the guys just come and then sit in their wet cummy pants. Ooh, don't you want to sit amongst cum guys? Like, what? Like, that side of the equation.

People often say that's what being on this podcast is like, sitting amongst cum guys. It's like a drum circle, but it's a cum circle. Expressions always have the wettest cum guys. Right. So for what that conjures up the wettest what that conjures up is wait you would think yeah this is so bad you think doing that day in and day out would get really cum drum.

I like that you raised your hand first, said, wait. Worth it. Worth it. Oh, man. What that conjures up is right, is ejaculating into your pants. Right. And then having to, I mean, listen, this isn't something I do frequently, but it's happened. As an adult?

I mean, like – I mean, okay. Oh, boy. How to explain this with some dignity. Listen, Jordan drinks great coffee. I drink great coffee. Great coffee. Sometimes I go to Blue Bottle and there's a guy pours it over. No, it's a pour over coffee. I think sometimes I.

We're looking at you like. You forced me to talk about this. Where are you going to go? Sometimes you. Once in a while. I will decide that it's – Oh, it's a choice. I will decide to have some –

Jordan, can I ask you a question? Would you like us to cancel the podcast? Yeah, podcast over. Brian doesn't need the money. He's got a union writing job. He doesn't need the money from Jordan, Jessica. Sometimes. Sometimes. You know, when I'm home alone.

And you're making traps. I'm making traps. You will decide that it's time to have some private time. Right. And I'm glad I'm not being gross now. Yeah. For the – and –

To engage in the onanistic art. Sure. Exactly. And you will not have materials around. Like you won't have cleanup materials. Right. But, you know, I'm living life. You know, I'm living life.

You know, I'm not – the mood strikes you. It's time to – You don't want to block that chakra. You don't want to block the – exactly. Don't block the shock. If I get blocked up, then I'm going to have all sorts of issues. Right. And so you do your business and the tidiest thing to do is to just – is to do it in your pants like you're – like you have underwear on. You're not nude.

And then you're like, okay, well, I'm – I'll clean up from here. Okay. That makes sense. And again, not a regular practice, but it's happened. And then you hit the showers. And then you hit the shower, exactly. Or you go into your big meeting. Down at the Y.

Yeah, you go to your meeting at the Y. And then you clean up from there. Both the showers and the meeting are at the Y. That's why it's so much easier to take a shower at the Y because then you can just go right to your meeting. Straight there. Boy, I'm going to get fired from my job at the Y, aren't I, for this story. And that is so uncomfortable. Like the post, the aftermath of that is so disgusting feeling. It's like, oh, okay.

And when I drive by the wet spot billboard, I'm like, oh, you want to make me feel like that? No, thank you, billboard. Yes. I can understand that completely. Sure sure it's like getting sand in your shoe what do you teach down at the walk is it conduct nine to ten yoga yeah ten to eleven onanism right places to blast in a pinch. Shock. Gross. Anyway, that's erotic entertainment issue one that I've been having.

Okay. Is there a list? There's a list? There's one more. Okay. All right. I'm ready. There's one more. Are you guys okay?

Yes. Can we switch? Do you want to talk about the Lord? Did you come on him? He wishes. What does that mean? Hard to say. It would be lucky for him.

So something else I will drive by periodically is the tea. Probably no one will come on the Lord. Because he asks for it, but then they think it's like he's asking for it. Well, the Lord's always like, eat my body. Yeah. That's pretty erotic. That is, yeah. There's an undercurrent.

Yeah. The son of the Lord. People who are trying to tweet us to correct biblical pedants. Yeah. I will periodically drive by the Tiki Theater, which is a like old school. It's on Santa Monica Boulevard. It's where Fred Willard was arrested. It's where Fred Willard got ganked like two years ago practicing the onanistic arts. It's like a porno theater. It's like a theater. Like you sit in a seat and you watch a pornographic movie. That's quaint to me.

Ain't it? And it's not in like a booth. No, it's just like a theater like a theater community yes exactly uh so that's always been there and i whenever i will drive by that thing i'll think well this can't have much longer like what is there a more antiquated business yeah well with the community element i mean sort of like live journal something. I feel like that's – it's so – there's always going to be a population that will seek that experience out. They're like, there's convenience, but I want to be in a plush suit. The other thing is I want my Raisinets.

I love the smell of the popcorn. I got my cup holder. You got to have a cup holder. A lot of these places, your rep movie houses, your video stores, they're going non-profit. So that may have been- You can apply for grants and government support. I will say I was driving by the Tiki Theater about two weeks ago. They have a new sign.

They have a nice new sign. They are apparently not only not broke, but they're doing so well they can make improvements. What's their slogan? Still a business? Yeah, it's one of these. That's the. Yeah. So I don't know.

Maybe. I mean, right. And I think I think I think you were on to something in that. Like, yeah, there is the community aspect to it, but also maybe maybe the hipster community, the I brew myrew-my-own-beer guys, want to acquaint retro porno experience. It's not the same without the film grain. I think the game has that little bit of grain, you know? A little bit of dust in the projector. And maybe when I was driving by this, I was thinking about there was a print ad campaign for Canada Club Whiskey a while ago that I would see in magazines a lot.

And it would be like, just like dad used to drink. And, you know, to have all these like Don Draper type guys. That's so sad. I know. Before he got mad. You remember your alcoholic father and how he never spent time with you. Be like him. Yeah.

Aspire to that. Maybe there is a certain element of like I want to enjoy porn like dad did. You know? Bleh. Bleh. Sorry. Anyway. They've got a new sign. Good for them, right? I think that's great. I want there now

to be a female equivalent that's like porn just like a mama used to make like an Italian. Like, hey! Sorry, sorry about that. You're so skinny, you're not watching enough of porn. You got to put in a teaspoon of sugar. Yeah, right.

Give it a full of flavor. Martin Scorsese's. Yeah. Ragu. I feel like Fred Willard handled that with a lot of class. I asked Fred Willard about that. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I asked him when he was on Bullseye.

And, you know, on Bullseye, because it's not a news show, usually if I'm going to ask somebody something like that, I'll tell them, you know, this is a prerecorded show. I'm going to ask something personal. If it's something you'd rather not answer, just tell me, and that's no problem. And I said that. I asked him that. It's the only time anyone has ever asked me not to play an answer. But it was sort of a bummer because what he said was, you know, he said, you know, I'd rather not use this. And then he gave a very, he continued and gave what i thought was a totally reasonable explanation for the situation um i mean it was you know it was like it was i don't remember exactly what it was but

you know it wasn't like i was well i was looking for the subway and i went in the wrong door not that kind of reasonable explanation but like a yeah like a people are people type situation, type explanation. I was so bummed I couldn't play it on the air. I was like, what a fucking, that's a great answer to that question. Let's just play that. But I didn't want to, you know. Yeah. You want to respect the boundary.

It's fucking Fred Willard. Yeah. I'll do whatever he wants and needs me to do. Sure. You know what I mean? He just wants you to put on a, scrap the whole interview and put on a Gilbert and Sullivan record? Yeah. You're going to do it.

Yeah. And I never, with that whole thing, I don't understand what the issue is. Everyone who goes to those places, they're all adults. Sure. Some of them. Everyone knows what the deal is, I assume. Some of them aren't there to jerk it. Some of them are cine-asts.

What is that? Cinema enthusiasts. The way you said it makes it sound like a fetish. Yeah, I was like, see an ass. I was kind of... Yeah. Anyway, to change the subject away from fluids. Yeah.

Excretions. Yeah. Fluids. Yeah. Excretions. Yeah. Are you, do you have any fun stories about your moving adventure? Oh, God.

No, other than just to have too much stuff. Yeah. Yeah. You mentioned before we went in there that your reaction, like I've moved a few times. My wife and I moved together a few times. like I've I moved a few times my wife and I moved together a few times and the last time I was so stressed out that we decided we're gonna hire the uh uh hire the movers to pack and move we're like literally moving next door but we're like we're gonna have them do the thing where they pack it and then they bring it and the whole nine yards and not unpack it. We didn't have them unpack it.

But it cost like an extra $650 or something like that. I don't remember. For them to pack as well as we did? Oh, wow. And I was like this – when they did it, when I was just sitting there reading a book while they packed my shit, the day that they were going to move it. So it wasn't like months and months of moving beforehand. It was the greatest feeling, like the most,

because it makes me, moving makes me so crazy. Like so intensely insane and stressed out. And these people were, these nice men were doing it for me. It was like, I felt like I would sell a kidney to just have this forever. If they were like, instead of saying $600, they said, we're going to need one of your two kidneys.

I'd be like, well, I got another kidney. Sure. Let's do this. Yeah. And my feeling about it is I'm so protective of my stuff and I'm so into my stuff. But you were saying that your reaction to moving is that you just want to basically make a bonfire. Well, that's the first reaction. But then I'm always like, well, and then I got this thing.

And I remember all the things I have sentimental attachment to. And I'm like, well, let's just take it all, including the empty tissue box. It like swings the other direction. Like I was finding magazines. When I was unpacking, I was finding magazines and things that I've never read and are just garbage pieces of material. Like, you know, it's not a book. And I was like, why did I go through the effort of putting this into a box and schlepping

it across town? It makes sense with the tissue boxes because those make good slippers. That's true. Right. If you're Howard Hughes. Yeah. How is your cat adjusting? He's doing well.

Okay. I was worried. Because that's stressful for them. Yeah, yeah. I think he just cares if I'm there. I'm his person. He's very attached to me. Okay.

And he's like, are you going to come along? All right, then I'm fine. Yeah. You're cool with this new place, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I was gonna say, this is the cat. I was being your cat. I should have done a voice. You should have. Can we take that again? Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna be your cat. Jordan's just taking a second shooting.

I'm interested to see what your voice for my cat's gonna be. I don't know. Okay, well. It matches up. Let's do this. I've never seen your cat. Can I have a description of him so I can pick a voice? He's a male.

I know that. He is a male. His name is Poppo. His full name is Professor Poppo Meowington. Oh, boy. Here's a photo. He's my screen saver. Oh, a little mustache. He's got a little dapper curled up.

Oh, turn and press the button again so I can see this cat. There he is. Oh, what a cutie. He's got a little. What aled up. Oh, turn and press the button again so I can see this cat. There he is. Oh, what a cutie. He's got a little. What a cutie. Kind of stern. Yeah. Okay.

I think I can. Okay, here. Okay. All right. Janine, you like this new place, right? Yours is far cuter than mine. What does the voice you do? Oh, this is terrible.

Yours is far cuter than mine. What does the voice you do? Oh, this is terrible. In my mind, he sounds a little like Ren from Ren Stimpy. And he's a huge misogynist. Oh, boy. He's like, you feed me, you bitch. Yes, that's your job. Like, it's very problematic.

Yeah. But it makes me laugh so much imagining my cat puts me down all the time. I don't know what that says about me. An owner's place is in the home. But he's very sweet. Yeah. His personality is nothing like that. Jesse, do the dogs have voices?

I mean, not exactly. Not exactly. The issue, I think, with a dog, relatively speaking, and especially my dogs, is that they have actual literal voices that they use very freely. You have some yip-yappers? Jesus Christ, shut up, my dogs. I love my dogs so much, but Jesusesus fucking christ what a nightmare their barking is just a nightmare that i'm gonna live in for the next 10 years yeah i mean i i don't um i think i talk to my dog's eyes my dogs have very soulful eyes and so like they give me- It's like Michael Shannon. Yeah. Actually, I don't know if you know this,

but you know Boardwalk Empire got canceled? Yeah, yeah. Michael Shannon's been living at my place as a dog. Oh, really? Yeah. I bet he's great. I got him a nice kennel and everything. Yeah.

We're crate training him. The thing is, is if you train them, they actually like the crate better than being out of the crate. So it's not really a punishment or anything. They den naturally in the wild. I feed him in the crate. He does all his acting in the crate. Oh, like film crews come over and film him?

Yeah, I mean, to the extent that he's still booking stuff. We have to audition on video. Oh, okay, yeah. You can control the light better that way. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. He's still making strong choices.

Right. Bringing a lot of intensity. He does always wear the little ears I got him, though. That sounds cute. Yeah. Just a lot. The choice is mainly a lot of licking his own dick. Great.

That's the main. But that's not new. Yeah. I mean, if you talk to Scorsese, he'll tell you on the set of Boardwalk Empire. Yeah. Michael Shannon. You're like, oh, yeah, Michael Dick licked Shannon? That's the one. Yeah. I mean, I really don't know if anybody has seen Take Shelter, but he's really like he's really amazing in that.

It's a really kind of harrowing kind of tale of mental illness and kind of a family crumbling. And, you know, you really like – it's really just so striking how a man who is going through that much can find that much time to lick his own dick. I really, really just recommend it. I really, really just recommend it. So you'll be just blown away by how powerful it is and how intense, but also just how long he goes to town on it. Has your cat found a spot in the house? Is there a sill? Is there a beam of sunlight that comes through? No, my shit's all over the place.

My stuff, sorry, excuse me. My stuff is all over the place okay stuff sorry excuse me uh my stuff is all over the place yeah i don't know if this is a family show it is uh so i didn't i didn't want to yeah curse we're actually we actually don't podcast this show i know we describe it as a podcast uh we take the recording and play it uh on the uh speaker system at a theater in Branson. Okay. Okay. So. A lot of like Brunch Matin. Branson.

If you have either any down home humor or any corn pone humor, we would really appreciate it. Well, no. Branson is the wet spot of Missouri. Oh, Missouri's wet spot. Missouri's wet spot. Yeah. Oh, Missouri's wet spot.

Missouri's wet spot, yeah. But is there a, I guess what I'm worried about is, is there a potential for a sunbeam to come in the house that the cat can light? Yeah, there are two big windows. That was a concern for me, too. Yeah. Sure. So he's going to be good. Oh, good. Going to need some beams.

He needs some beams. I'm so glad there's a beam in here. My dog voice is the same for every dog. Oh, yeah? Which is, uh, hello. It's like a very, like, breathy old man. Like, oh, girl. Like a bumbling.

Yeah. But my dogs are little girls. My dogs are girls and they're little. Hello, I'm a little girl. Oh, I am 16 going on 17. Sounds like an old British man who still wears his explorer outfit everywhere oh yes i had to play sweet 16 my father and i danced to butterfly kisses felt like a woman there's a line in butterfly kisses that this is what's sticking in my craw

sorry here's my jag the craw daddy hour yeah there's Yeah. There's a line in Butterfly Kisses, and every time I'm at a wedding or something and Butterfly Kisses comes on, I have to sit around and think about this for 20 minutes, is, Butterfly kisses, every day. And then the dad goes,

with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right. It implies so much darkness. Like, what's the dad's life been like to where he's singing about his past, where he's made all these mistakes? The drink in the staff. That song was sponsored by Clearly Canadian. It's like a big crossover thing. Right, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, Canada Club. Oh, yeah. Clearly Canadian is the sparkling water. The precursor to La Croix. Right. I'll have you guys know that Clearly Canadian was a sweetened beverage. Oh, okay.

So it's not a pure croix. It's not a pure seltzer. Yeah. No, it's not. By no means is it. Neither is New York seltzer, for that matter. Another popular 1980s soda beverage that's back. And better than ever?

It's about the same. Okay. That'd be nice, a Clearly Canadian and Canada club. That sounds like a nice cocktail. Yeah. Anyway. I guess there's probably some Canadians. Served in a toque.

Yeah, right. What's the name of their prime minister that's so dreamy? Justin Trudeau? Yeah. Trudeau? Trudeau. Call it a Trudeau or something. Gary Trudeau. Gary Trudeau yeah call it a trudeau or gary trudeau gary trudeau yeah their prime minister is just a hat that floats it's just a joke you don't get right and they're still doing i guess yes jesus christ newspaper comic strips what the fuck are you yeah

okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go Newspaper comic strips. What the fuck are you? Yeah. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Brian and I'm Aaron. And we host throwing shade, a political comedy podcast that somehow horribly offensive and socially conscious. If you want to know what it sounds like if the news drank straight vodka, check us out on Thursdays on MaxFun. And we're the first MaxFun podcast to be turned into a TV show.

So check that out January 17th on TV Land. Throwing Shade. Politics. Pop culture. Wigs for days. Janine Brito, calf queen. Because you're caffeinated or because you have mighty leg muscles? Both. Cool. Or because you're a baby cow.

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Choose your favorite pair to have your prescription added and order. It's completely risk-free with free shipping all around. Visit warbyparker.com slash JJGO and begin that home try-on experience. Janine Brito's wearing Warby Parker right now. Right now. Looking great. She looks stunning.'s wearing Warby Parker right now. Right now. Looking great. She looks stunning. I got 12.

I'm now the Diana Ross of glasses. I just costume change in the middle of every day. Yeah. It's a brand new look. I like that. Sure. That's fun. You're getting ready for your residency in Vegas.

Yes. And when I say share that shit, I mean C-H-E-R that shit. Right. I pronounce it chair. Oh. Share that shit, I mean C-H-E-R that shit. Right. I pronounce it Cher. Oh. Cher that shit. That would be more of a Charo that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. MorbyParker.com slash JJGo. Sunglasses, eyeglasses, prescription, non-prescription, all of them available to you at a very reasonable price. I also want to mention, you know, Jordan, it's the holiday season. I've heard that. A lot of people are looking for great gifts. Yeah. I mean, I don't know where to get them.

Well, it just so happens that you can go to PutThisOnShop.com for some hot holiday gifts. Everything that we sell on sale online at PutThisOnShop.com, men's accessories. Janine is a noted dandy herself. Yes. Men's accessories. Janine is a noted dandy herself. Yes. She's a few, I know few women who wear tailored clothes with such elan. Thank you.

The charming Janine Burrito. I'm surprised any time I see her outside of a necktie. Oh, yeah, I went casual today. Yeah, we have on matching shirts. Oh, we do. Look at that. Oh, yeah. But anyway, everything from men's accessories that are new that we hand make here in the United States to lots of cool vintage stuff that are not just for dudes but for anyone. Lots of really like special cool things. I'm a big believer in if you're going to give a gift, it should be something special and cool and not just something you got at Target or whatever.

No offense to Target. Target's fine, I guess. But you know what I mean. Put this on shop.com and you can use you got at Target or whatever. No offense to Target. Target's fine, I guess, but you know what I mean. Put this on shop.com and you can use the code FULLSHORT for free shipping. Also, we are going to be a very, very fun day in Chicago in February. That's right. February 11th along with The Flophouse, Tights and Fights, Judge John Hodgman, Stop Podcasting Yourself.

We got Ono, Ross, and Kerry in there Ono Ross and Kerry We're going to have a stand-up comedy show Graham's going to do some stand-up comedy Graham Clark Maybe Jordan's going to get up there and give us a little coked out Michael Bay Oh yeah Sure, that thing that sometimes goes over poorly

Yeah Hey, this whole thing Will you love it or hate it? This whole festival is an exercise in that thing that sometimes goes over poorly. Yeah. We actually have already sold out the entire VIP balcony. There are a couple of-

I think there are a couple of- What do you call those? Opera boxes left. You can buy an opera box for you and your friends and you get little binoculars to watch the show too? You can bring them, yes. They won't be provided for you. They're not prohibited. No. I recommend going to

warbyparker.com slash opera glasses. But there's still general admission tickets left and there's going to be, it's going to be so cool. We're not far away from that, right? A guy fucking going to an arcade fire concert with some opera glasses. Yeah.

I'm sure it's happened. Maximumfun.org slash very, very fun day for information on that. And MaxFunCon tickets are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com. Often those sell out

before the new year. So get going if you want to come to MaxFunCon or MaxFunCon East in the Poconos. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janine Brito, calf queen, still. You don't need a new nickname. You don't need a new nickname. You seem to have bailed on it. I know. Well, I was trying to think of a cow thing and I couldn't. The mistress of moo?

Yeah, I think it's because I'm lactose intolerant. I couldn't pull it together. Got gunked up. You would probably just give yourself diarrhea by even mentioning a dairy product. Sorry, I didn't understand that. I didn't want that kind of wet spot. No, no. None of us do.

That is one of the worst wet spots. Jordan, you go home to Mission Viejo for Thanksgiving this year? I did. Huntington Beach. Huntington Beach. Huntington Beach. Actually, where Mom and Brad live. We had a lot of fun. I had a lot of little step-nieces and nephews around.

Oh, yeah. So, Full House, a lot of energy, a lot of fun. We took the kids. The series or your visit? The what? The Netflix series, Full House? Yeah. A lot of fun.

A lot of fun. Yeah, we basically just binge-watched Full House. A lot of fun. We basically just binge watched Full House. We didn't speak to each other. And yeah, so we took the kiddos. We ate. We had to eat a little bit early. My sister had two.

She's married. It's a two Thanksgiving situation. Oh, wow. She's trying to cover all the bases. Covering all the bases. Gotta alternate, my friend. Yeah. I think, you know, they're, listen, they've been married only a couple of years. I think, you know, maybe they'll learn to alternate. Eventually they'll give up.

Yeah. Or maybe they'll just try and reenact the hit film Four Christmases. Mm-hmm. Starring Reese Witherspoon, I think. And Vince Vaughn? I forgot that was a movie. Sorry. Reese Witherspoon, I think. I forgot that was a movie.

I've only read one screenwriting book, and it was very interesting, but I rolled my eyes all the way through just because the author kept referring to Four Christmases as the perfect screenplay. That was what he held up. I've never seen the movie. Perhaps it's a perfect little puzzle box. I bet it's not. I bet it's a bad rom-com that they shot in two months. But yeah, for some reason, I will always remember that movie just because I was reading this book and I'm like, oh, this is interesting. This is interesting.

He's mentioning four Christmases again? What? Anyway, I feel like I probably just have to watch it at some point. Anyway. But yeah, we kind of ate early. We took the kiddos down to the beach. They were all in their nice clothes. Little shirts. Little shirts tucked in the slacks. Sort of like Mitt Romney.

Yeah, a bunch of little Mitt Romneys running around. Little Mitt bits. Yeah, little Mitt bits. You see Mitt Romney waiting in his dress clothes? No, I haven't. It's a great picture that was all over Twitter. I have not seen this Mitt Romney

waiting picture. We're in a golden age of Mitt Romney pictures. I know. Well, I mean, we're in the new golden age of Dan Quayle pics, too. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of crazy shit going on in the world right now. Hopefully Dan Quayle will get on a hoverboard and we'll see some Quayle fails. I would love to see a Quayle fail. Oh, man. Wait wait is that true how did that reboot of arsenio hall get canceled i know quail fails was on the table you know he was just a little too early if they were wait did was there a dan quayle picture going around just dan quayle was you know

over at trump's house or whatever oh sure okay why was mitt romney waiting he was with his family on thanksgiving when he initially and all of this will probably be out of date by the something will have donald trump will have killed mitt romney with his bare hands yeah we've talked about this on the podcast for janine of like because we record this a couple days before it comes out and it's you want to tiptoe around everything topical because the world will be a totally

different kind of hell before the comes out so there's no like should I mention this guy who could be dead or say the n-word at a baseball game like you know what do you do they're poking our buttholes with spears now? Yeah.

Why aren't Jordan and Jesse talking about it? Why are all these jokes about tiny paper cuts on the balls? Sure. No one's doing that anymore. Yeah, there was just a picture of Mitt Romney, like in between the first and second Mitt Romney Donald Trump meetings, Mitt Romney made a tweet that was like, check out how chill I am right now. Wait, is that verbatim? This is NBD.

Now, are you thinking of Mitt Romney or are you thinking of the tweet where Kenny G tweeted a picture of himself riding a bike with no hands with the caption, my hands are only for playing sax? I did see that. It's so good. Oh, you're so good. I couldn't believe how good that was. And it was, he apparently has maybe a home in San Diego or something like that. Mitt Romney? He's got many homes.

I don't know if you knew this about Mitt Romney. He's an affluent man. Really? Yeah. knew this about Mitt Romney. He's an affluent man. Really? Yeah. You would think he could just, I don't know, not work for four years

instead of humiliating himself publicly. Go on a book tour or something. I don't know. He is... It's just a shot of him with his kids and it's like on Thanksgiving, tide pooling. And he's just wearing a dress shirt and pants rolled up.

And you're just like, wow, he's always that. Yeah. That's his thing. His pajamas are just a onesie with a print of slacks and a tucked in shirt on them. He takes off that and zips it up to his neck. He's a handsome man. Looks great. He's got that Mormon clean living on his side.

Very fit. Sure. Hey, I got clean living on my side. I don't look that good. I mean, I think Mormon clean living is not just no drugs and alcohol, but I think you're not. There's a lot of stuff in there.

You think it's my moral corruption? Yes, I do. I think it's all the lying you do that's poisoned your body. No, I mean, I think we were talking about this at work today. We went down a weird little rabbit hole at work today of Mormon parody songs. It's as great as you think it is. Wait, this is parody songs by and for Mormons?

Yes, exactly. God, I wish I could remember one. Of pop songs. Yeah. You know, Mormon style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. That's about how clever they are.

Wow. But yeah, everybody in them is a horrible, just a dorkus malorkus. Really? But they all look great. They all look amazing. Yeah. I dated a Mormon girl for a little bit, and great looking family all around. Oh, I bet. Just beautiful people.

I bet. Yeah. But maybe a little boring to eat at the house um no they were fine i went to a wedding or not not the wedding itself i wasn't allowed to go oh right at the reception and it was weird that there was no like not only just not alcohol but no coffee yeah first of First of all. Sure. No tea, none of that. The big thing was Sherbert Punch. Oh, boy. A big bowl of Sherbert Punch.

I bet that's pretty good, though. It was tasty, and they actually got drunk on Sherbert Punch. Like, there was behavior at the reception reminiscent of people being, like, they had ribbon twirlers and just, like, there was a lot of ribbon twirler butt slapping. Oh, boy. That sounds kind of sauc boy that sounds a little wild saucy get a little wild and saucy wow that's sugar that's so funny uh that's wait so did so everyone just got their own ribbon yeah you just got a ribbon on a stick at the end after after a little dancing um stiffest cha-cha slide i've ever seen by the way wow just so stiff and

uncoordinated. And then, yeah, towards the end, people went crazy with those ribbon dancing. Because they were all ganked up on Sherbert. Yep. Yep. Or Sorbet. No, Sherbert. They got the dairy in there.

Oh, yeah? They're living it up. Yeah, you know it. I went for- He's graying with a lot of dignity to Mitt Romney. He's a really handsome guy. Really handsome guy. I went to a cabin for Thanksgiving, invited my mom, and it was a success.

I had this, my cabin is like, I could not afford to buy a cabin in a place with a grocery store. So my cabin is about two hours past the grocery store. Like there's like a store about 40 minutes, 35, 40 minutes. That's still far too long. That's like a store where you could get like a bottle of oil for $5 or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. A place that knows it's the only store.

Yes. Exactly. They're very nice. How far away are you from the nearest wet spot? Dude, the whole town is a wet spot. Oh, shit, dog. That's why there are no stores. They can't support the foundation.

It's too soggy. I'm on a wet spot. Yeah. foundation it's too soggy yeah um and i so i had a great idea which is i have uh amazon fresh delivery service which is where they will bring in certain cities amazon will bring groceries to your house um and it's been uh in many ways a blessing especially when we had babies and stuff you just can't get to the grocery store it's's like, fine, I'm just going to order groceries on the Internet. And I had this idea. You know, normally what we do is stop at the grocery store that's two hours up the road.

But with dogs and children in the car, that is tough. And so I thought, oh, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to order. I'm just going to make a meal plan for the weekend. And I'm going to order all the food on Amazon Fresh ahead of time. And then I'm just going to put the bags that it comes in into my car because they come with like whatever blocks of dry ice. And I'm just going to drive all that up there. And it worked great.

I made a meal plan figured out all the ingredients got the recipes together like the whole nine yards filled out all the got all the stuff on the website gave them all my money got to the cabin

and I'm unpacking I'm putting away your cornmeal for your cornbread stuffing and your cranberry your frozen cranberries and your cranberry, your frozen cranberries for your cranberry sauce. And guys, there was one item missing from my order. Can you guess what it might have been?

On the edge of my seat. Don't say it was the onion straws for the green beans. It was the onion straws for the green bean casserole. How am I supposed to make... Was it actually? Did I guess it? There was no fucking turkey.

Oh. I thought that's where you were going. So I was doing a one that was. Yeah, you were doing a misdirect. I was doing the old. And I thought, yeah. It's Wednesday night. I think we're all on the same page now.

I'm two hours from a grocery store. No fucking turkey. Hey, Amazon, we can't eat every episode of Transparent. We don't have every episode of Transparent, Jordan. There's no internet there. I couldn't even order a turkey to be returned to me. No deliveries there. There was a frozen steak in the freezer.

One steak. So I thawed that and cut it in three pieces my kids didn't care because they don't know what thanksgiving is they're too young but uh i cut that in three pieces one for me one for my wife theresa one for my mom like we each got two ounces of steak. And I, you know, we just ate extra cranberry sauce. When I finally like – there's places in the town where you get cell reception. So if you go for a hike, sometimes while you're hiking, you'll get all your text messages from the last 24 hours at once. Yeah. From the last 24 hours at once.

And that happened and I got a text message of a voicemail I had received from Amazon over the weekend. This was like on Sunday I got this text message. And it said like, hi, this is Frank calling from Amazon. I'm just calling to make sure that you got your turkey. That was it. Frank from Amazon. Number one, Frank didn't leave me a number to call back. Oh, God.

Number two, when you say you're just calling to make sure I got my turkey, you're calling because you know I didn't get my turkey? So did you return home to a late-delivered turkey that had just been rotting on your porch? No, there was no turkey. Oh, not at all. That's what I thought the call was about. I thought the call was going to be like, oh, we realized we fucked up and we rushed to deliver it. We wanted to make sure you got it. So I called back the number and they did not leave a voicemail number. So I called back the number on my caller ID and went through a giant phone tree to get to a person.

And the man who answered, like the Amazon Fresh helper person. So first I talked to three Filipinos, a series of Filipinos to get to the Amazon Fresh person. The Russian doll of Filipinos to get to the Amazon. Exactly. A classic Filipino 800 number customer service nesting doll situation. And I finally got to the guy and the guy was clearly like, you know, Amazon will do anything to avoid having to help you directly. Like their whole customer service infrastructure is built around heading you off at the pass. Like there's no phone number listed on their website. There's no, you know. And they just hope you'll forget, get frustrated, and just started watching episodes of Transparent.

Exactly. Exactly. Or The Tick. Starring Peter Serafinowicz. Lots of great originals. They're on Prime. I finally – should we plug some more of their shows? I don't know.

I'm really happy with them right now. Sure. Let's see. I watched a couple episodes of The Man on the High Castle and I got bored. Yeah. And Transparent's really good. Ain't it? It's really an excellent show.

It really gets you through the fact that all those people on that show are such monsters. How do they make it? Jesus Christ, what a group of terrible people. Hey guys, if you got Amazon Prime, now's a great time to re-watch Inside Llewyn Davis. There you go. It's a real treat. It holds up.

Yeah. An underappreciated Coen Brothers movie with a great performance from Oscar Isaac. I finally got to a guy. When he sucks his own dick in that movie. When Oscar Isaac, Poe Dameron himself, goes to town in the East Village. Anyway.

I finally got to a guy, and it was clearly like the person, you know when you get to a customer service person who's the person who can help you like the real customer service person like the other people have been reading from a weird script and this is the person where it's like their job to make to fix things for you i finally got to this guy it was just a dude and he sort of talked like this he's like okay uh tell me about your situation and i'm like it was real slow and sort of rumbling sam elliott do you think yeah and uh you know i said you know look here's the deal i you fucking ruined thanksgiving like i got to i

got to thanksgiving and had no turkey to offer to my family and I was cooking. And I don't think I have ever heard – like he understood and appreciated my concerns so deeply and had so little to offer me. I was about to ask if you own Amazon now. That was how they were right. Yeah. And she's now Jeff Bezos. Oh, you just get this. He just goes, he goes like, well, the situation is that we had an insufficient number of turkeys and very sorry about that.

And I'm going like, I ordered this turkey two weeks ago so that I would know that I could – Yeah, sir, it must have been a very difficult Thanksgiving for you. I'll tell you what I've been authorized to do. One mustache ride. I'm Sam Elliott and you could go on as many mustache rides as you want he was like bro like it by this one our conversation this man is like having an emotional collapse like he is more sure yeah yeah He says, I'll tell, he said, he said,

yeah, I understand that you, you went ahead and ordered that turkey early so that, so that you wouldn't worry,

have to worry about a situation just like this and I'm sorry that, well, listen, what I can do for you

is, is, I'm going to put a $30 gift certificate on your Amazon account. And, well, jeez, I'm real sorry. $30. $30. He's like, I know it might not be much consolation, but sir, you have not been charged for the turkey. Oh, boy.

Do you think Sam Elliott is powerful enough to narrate mustache rides as he's giving them? Oh, boy. Do you think he can go to town and throw his voice so that while you're enjoying that incredible journey, you get the voiceover accompaniment. You have a truly beautiful clitoris. I've seen a lot of clitorises in my time.

Ginny, was your Thanksgiving okay? I was taken in by some friends. My friend Zara Norbach, very funny Muslim comedian, and her husband Duncan. And we did two Thanksgivings. So the first half was Duncan's family my friend Zahra Norbach very funny Muslim comedian and her husband Duncan and we did two Thanksgiving so the first half

was Duncan's family and the second half was Zahra's family and Persian Thanksgiving had five different sauces whoa so I was in heaven food is a vehicle for sauce

and I was like whoo it was gravy classic gravy that's more sauces than you're getting with like an app platter at TGI Fridays.

Yeah. It was so good. Now, were these pouring or dipping sauces? Pouring. Pouring. Pouring sauces. A few chutneys. Were there any pouring sauces?

How are you going to want to go to the wet spot for that? Where was the spot? was the spot. Maybe that's what they mean at the strip club, just that they have a lot of nice sauces available. Oh. Blue cheese. Sure. A nice tahini. Barbecue honey mustard.

Yeah. So, okay, you're getting five sauces. Five sauces. God, I am with you, man. When I have a sauce variety, I'm like, this meal is a success. Well, what's nice about going to a friend's Thanksgiving that comes from a non-European cultural tradition or even a recently immigrated European cultural tradition is that you often get a set of traditional Thanksgiving foods with a second set of culturally specific Thanksgiving foods. I went to a Filipino Thanksgiving. It was full of amazing foods.

You have a full Thanksgiving dinner plus a second full Filipino Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. That's what you want. Well, guys, sounds like Thanksgiving was great for everybody but Jesse. The man who had to deal with him on the Amazon customer support line. Hey, sounds like you – listen, memorable. Jordan, I'm going to – It's me, Sam Elliott. I'm going to go ahead and give you a $30 gift certificate.

Jordan, that's what I can do for you. I can give you $30. You haven't already. Check out some episodes of Transparent. It's a really lovely show. If you want to get your puss up on my mustache, go ahead. Plop it down there. Hang on to them hats and glasses.

Here's the wildest ride in the universe. I'm going to go ahead and wave the customary five cent fee. Just ignore my t-shirt. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la June, and MaxFunCon East is back in the Poconos next September. Tickets for both are on sale right now, and they will sell out.

Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets today. We can't wait to see you there. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, the bloody crow of Cainhurst. I'm Janine Brito, saucy turkey. I'm sorry, what was your nickname, Jordan? I'm still slipping in Bloodborne references.

Got it. Don't worry about it. It's a video game you've been playing a lot lately. I beat it, but yeah. So you're done playing it? Done playing it, yeah. Did you get 100% completion rate? Nah, I'm not that guy. Really? Yeah. You'm not that guy. Really?

Yeah. You're not into grinding through? Do you look for Easter eggs? This one I watched some on... Oh, God, this is fucking worse than the coffee conversation. I watched some online videos about Easter eggs, and there was some stuff that I definitely wanted to do that I did. Yeah.

So I feel good about it. I consumed the three umbilical cords of the Great Ones, so I got to fight the moon presence. Do you want to hear more about it? That's really cool. After I defeated Garamond the First Hunter. Anyway. A lot of fun. We have fun on Jordan and Jesse.

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, when they tie that bow on the package. Sure. What do you got inside? Open it up. What did I get for Christmas? I got a lot of fun on Jordan Jessica. Sure. You know what I mean?

This show is a good fucking time. From a guy who's defeated the moon presence. Is there any reason for someone who's never heard this show to start listening to this show? No. JJ Go, this is Frank. I just wanted to make sure you got that fun. We sure didn't, Frank. Everything else was here.

The fun was not. I was at my cabin for Sunday Funday, and you can imagine how that went down. Fun was not. I was at my cabin for Sunday Funday, and you can imagine how that went down. We had just a slab of cheer in the freezer. I had to cut it three pieces and just kind of subside on that. Cheer and sides. Cheer and sides.

Okay, let's take a call here. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. Let's have our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Jeff. This is Scott in Milwaukee. I just killed, gutted, and skinned. Pause! Pause it! Pause it! Your bet, Jordan. Why did he kill, gut, and skin?

Oh, boy. If he's anything like me, it was the moon presence. We have no way of knowing how many umbilical cords he consumed. That's true. He has to consume three or you can't fight the moon presence. I'm a fresh out of ideas. What do you think? I mean, the thing is, is like the first, my first thoughts of things that he killed are not things that you would necessarily skin and gut.

Yeah. Like I would say, oh, he killed a possum. That was my first thought. But if you kill a possum, last thing you're going to do is- Make a little possum shammy out of it, I guess. But not a lot you can do with that possum pelt. Yeah. Nobody really wants that.

You know what I mean? If you gutted it sufficiently and then filled it with sand or something, you could use it as a doorstop. That's a possibility. A possum-bility. Imagine the possum-bilities. Oh, man. I'm trying to think of what's in Milwaukee,

and I realize I know nothing about Milwaukee. Well, you know that it comes from the Indian word Milwaukee. Sure. So Alice Cooper. So he killed, skinned, and gutted Alice Cooper. I think that's my bet. Okay. So you've got three good guesses.

I'm going to go see what it is. Let's hear what it is. I just killed, gutted, and skinned and fully prepared my first squirrel. And I'm going to eat it tomorrow or the next day. And I think I did a pretty good job. And pretty proud of my marksmanship. Get him, get him, get him. Bye-bye.

Yeah, kill those creatures. Yeah. Yeah, boy. I mean, this is absolutely hypocritical of me as a guy who eats meat constantly. But yeah, killing a squirrel seems a little upsetting. You're chewing on jerky right now. Oh, yeah. Always got a little stew in my mouth.

I would kill a squirrel. Yeah? I understand anyone who finds it upsetting. I'm not judgmental of them. But I would totally kill a squirrel. I would also probably go deer hunting if it didn't seem so boring. Yeah. That's my main concern with going deer.

Like I like the idea of eating deer sounds great to me. It's tasty. Is that some deer? It's really good. It's really good. And I think I could probably get myself to kill an animal. But the act of sitting, pouring pee on yourself. You want to shoot deer in a bucket.

That's what you want to do. You want them provided or you want. See, that's the thing. I also don't want that. That seems cruel. You want a little bit of a chase and challenge. That seems cruel. Like if there was like a thing where you like do a tough mutter and then at the end of it.

You get to shoot a deer in the head. There's just a restrained deer. Or like if there was a bunch of fun stuff that you did while you were hunting the deer besides just calming yourself or drinking beer, which I think are the two things people do. Yeah, yeah. Like they either find inner peace or alcoholism. I don't drink and I'm far too far from inner peace. It will certainly never happen. So I think the actual process of doing it more than the idea of killing an animal gets in my way.

Janine, you ever killed anything? No. My grandparents had a farm in Alabama and I would take animals to the slaughterhouse. So I had a hand in it but never held blade in my hand and felt flesh beneath it. That's Sam Elliott. That's creepy. I'd maybe like to punt something that had broken into my

home. Like if there's some sort of vermin that I could just kick really hard. Have I ever told you about how I have this for the last seven years or however long it's been, I have had a burning desire to place kick my dog Coco. Oh, boy.

No. And I want to be really clear about this. I love my dog Coco possibly more than I love my children. In this fantasy that I have, it's when Coco's walking in front of me and she's just about the size of a football. She's the color of a football. And her butt is right there. Her little dog butt. Her funny little dog butt.

And in my fantasy, when I kick her, first of all, it does not hurt her. And second of all, when she's shooting through the air, instead of what would happen, which is she would scream from terror and disorientation, confusion. Just a perfect spiral. It would, she would be, yeah, she would be sort of like, like she maybe would have like a bullet hat on or she would just pin her ears and her legs back.

pin her ears and her legs back. And she would just be like, the wind would be going through her scruffs and she would just be flying like as though she was born to do it. Like she was Astro Boy. You know what I mean? That sounds fun. That sounds fun.

And I picture her now landing in an end zone and then jogging. Like she is both the football and the receiver. Yeah. A little touchdown dance. Yeah. She does the icky shuffle. Yeah, you got it.

Okay, let's take another call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Gus. I'm calling with a momentous occasion that might also be a little bit of a moment of shame. A few weeks ago, I started having some trouble with my hand. One of my fingers was swelling up super bad and was getting kind of red. And there was like this weird little rash thing.

After a little while, it started spreading to my other fingers and my whole hand. I finally went to the doctor. They sent me to the emergency room because they thought I had a blood infection. I spent about 30 hours in the hospital getting blood tests and IV antibiotics and all that stuff. Then the hand surgeon came in and I thought he was just going to chop off the whole hand. But he looked at it for about 10 seconds and said, oh, you have hand herpes. That is my shameful modification. I have hand herpes. Fine. Wow.

I didn't know that was a thing. I nor I. Hand herpes. I had a really similar situation. I had hair growing on my palm. Hand herpes. Hand herpes. Hand herpes. Well, God bless you, madam.

Well, if it's possible there, then everywhere, I guess, right? Yeah. Butt herpes? Oh, for sure, butt herpes. You can eat it. Oh, for sure. What about... Like, who doesn't have butt herpes?

I eat everybody's gut. What kind of nerd? Yeah. Come on. Can I get herpes from F in the AP? Armpit. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it makes sense. A little dick deodorant?

Yeah. A little Dickie D. Yeah. That's, I mean, I don't know if she stated a sexual preference, but do you think it was? Romantic? I was assuming from just, she gave the wrong H-J. Or I guess the wrong F-B, too. Yeah.

That's a good point. Or the wrong M-R. Mustache, right? The wrong mustache, yeah, yeah. Are you suggesting that Sam Elliott's mustache is anything but pristine? Oh, man. Sam Elliott's mustache

just has a continuous penicillin drip. Yeah, it's got to. Which do you think is the more dangerous mustache ride to take, Sam Elliott or Tom Selleck? Oh, Tom Selleck for sure. Oh, you seemed

really convinced. Those little Magnum PI short shorts, he got so much action from those games. Sam Elliott's a former People Magazine Sexiest Man of the Year. I mean, I'm sure Tom Selleck is too. I am with Eugene on this. I think it's Selleck. I think Selleck's the more dangerous stache ride. Have you guys seen Thomas Hayden Church's mustache on the HBO series Divorce?

No. Wow. I love it. Something else, huh? I am in romantic love with Thomas Hayden Church's mustache on the HBO series Divorce. A lot of great things about that show. It's a real funny show. A real good show.

Another thing I'm romantically in love with is it's that show's creator, Sharon Horgan. But more than that, I would say Thomas Hayden Church's mustache, which is truly stunning. Truly stunning. You would run through it while Sam Elliott narrated. Oh, God, yes. If I could lube up with a little penicillin. Sure. Yeah, you want to protect yourself. Oh, God, yes. If I could lube up with a little penicillin first. Sure, yeah, you ought to protect yourself.

Okay, if something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disico. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la a joy. This is just empty flattery. You should know that. Oh, thanks. Janine, it's been a blast. I know. Sincerely. You guys have been great. Sincerely.

Janine Brito, people can follow you on Twitter, right? At Janine Brito? That is correct. That's a fun follow. That is a fun follow. Thank you. J-A-N-I-N-E. Yep.

B-R-I-T-O. You got it. Do you like how I just congratulated you on knowing how to spell your own name? At Janine Brito, you got a comedy show here in Los Angeles, right? I do. Dave Thomason and I run a show at the UCB Inner Sanctum every first and third Monday at 830. It's free and it's a blast. It's a lot of fun. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

You got any road dates coming up? I am. Oh, gosh, I do. I'm going to be in San Francisco on December 9th at El Rio Bar in the Mission for Millennials Ruin Everything. El Rio? El Rio. Like three blocks from where I grew up.

Oh, for real? Yeah. I'm going to be there. What's the premise of Millennials Ruin Everything? It is hosted by two delightful young SF millennial comedians. Goddamn. And Dominique, who's last? Dominique Gellin.

Yeah. Okay. Sounds like a lot of fun. It's going to be super fun. Yeah. Well, great. Well, we all know what's going to be fun. Yeah.

We got your very, very fun day in Chicago. Yeah. Got your MaxFunCon on the West and East Coast. You got your Janine Burrito at Janine Burrito. You got your warbyparker.com slash jayco. Sure, yeah. You got using the code FULLCHORT for free shipping on putthisonshop.com? Yeah.

And, yeah, don't drink too much coffee before you go to bed, even if you have a little headache. I usually like to have a nice café con leche. Oh, that sounds nice. And possibly a – my wife, when we were in college, lived in Cuba for a time. And the biggest news that she brought home from Cuba, besides a list of various things that are both surprisingly wonderful there and surprisingly oppressed there. It was a real mixed bag. Yes. Is that you can't say papaya there because it means pussy.

So it's called a fruta bomba. Which also sounds like it should be pussy. What do I say if I want fruit? What do I say if I'm inquiring about a pussy? But, I mean, you could hardly ask for a better fruit name than fruta bomba. You could hardly ask for a better pussy name. A woman wasa. Yeah. You could hardly ask for a better pussy name. That's true. A woman was like, ooh, girl, that Fruta is Bomba.

Fruta Bomba. Yeah. Woo! Okay. Our producer, Sonny D., Brian Fernandez, hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. We always appreciate it when people are talking about the Jordan Jesse Go on Twitter. You know, I don't know if you saw this, but a listener named Ernesto made a video where he took the audio of us talking about how Jordan Jesse Go is a medicine you take to coat the ball of terror that sits in the pit of your stomach in contemporary America. It's in the pit of your stomach in contemporary America. And he put it, he spliced it into a Pepto-Bismol advertisement.

Very, very specific viral video. Yeah. Well, I mean, have we ever done anything that anyone likes? No. Nah. We got our 10 people. Sure. You know, Lothriper likes it.

Yeah, get out there on Twitter. Chat about the show. It's fun. Maximreeper likes it. Yeah, get out there on Twitter. Chat about the show. It's fun. Maximumfun.reddit.com. There is always a lively discussion there. And, of course, you can join the Maximum Fun group on Facebook where there is also always a lively discussion. Thank you very much. No one said there wasn't. No one said there wasn't.

You're welcome, Jordan. No one said there wasn't. Thank you. A lively discussion. No one said there wasn't. No one said there wasn't. You're welcome, Jordan. No one said there wasn't. Thank you. A lively discussion. No one said there wasn't. A lively discussion in the Facebook group. Can I say one last thing before we go? Yeah.

I just want to say. She's having a little stretch. I just want to say that I have, in the last couple of weeks, listened to several episodes of The Flophouse, our sister show here in MaximumFun.org, in which Stuart Wellington, Dan McCoy, and Elliot Kalin get together and watch a bad movie and then make laughs about it. And I just wanted to say, if you haven't listened to that show, you really should. It's not new to me, but it's just one of those, that show and Stop Podcasting

Yourself the last couple weeks have just been a real comfort to me. I just laughed my butt off listening to those shows, and I'm just so grateful for it. I'm so grateful for every show at Maximum Fun, but those are just two that have been on my mind lately and have just really been there for me.

My typical way with podcasts is to binge and then cast aside, is to binge and then cast aside. is to binge and then cast aside. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. You take a little break. You come back to it. Not that Flophouse. It stayed on the roll since I discovered it. It is a funny show.

Those are three of the funniest guys. Yeah. So check out that show. And I'm really looking forward to seeing them in Chicago. A very, very fun day as well. But whether or not you're in Chicago, A very, very fun day as well. But whether or not you're in Chicago, check out their show because it is real funny. Okay, that's it.

Thanks to Sunny D. We'll be back next week on Jordan H. Ashton. I'm out.