Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 458: Text Mext with Alison Becker

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

Alison Becker joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the secret celebrity dating app Raya, Alison's affinity for Bon Jovi, and Jordan's upcoming trip to see Smash Mouth in Pasadena. #GirlsPlaySportsToo

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to our program. Don't expect much. Wow, right out of the gate, huh? Well, I just, it's not that it's not a quality program. Mm-hmm.

We just have no ambitions. Okay. Well, how do you know that I don't have big ambitions for this episode? You didn't ask me. Maybe I want to solve the debt crisis. Really? Maybe I'm going to teach people. Which debt crisis?

Oh, you got a debt crisis? I'll solve it. Okay. Check out the beat while the DJ revolves it. Debt, debt, baby. Maybe I'm going to talk about which of my favorite seven wonders of the world are. What would you say? Library of Alexandria?

I mean, it's no Hanging Garden of Babylon. And of course, there's Kong, the eighth one in the world. Now you're right. Don't expect much. Yeah, I mean, honestly, best case scenario, if it's a real high-minded episode, maybe I'll bring up the brief period in seventh grade when I played a lot of Pong combat on my computer. It was a shareware game that combined Pong and Mortal Kombat. I didn't know that existed. Now you do.

How do you fit those two things together? This show's not just about joking around. You also learn things. Yeah. It's an important piece of video game history. There were fatalities. But it's Pong paddles, which are just, you know,

white lines, but they would... Spout blood. Oh, that sounds fun. I mean, that's enough for 1992. Totally.

1993, whatever. I mean, if you really want, if you really want that, you know, violence fix, if you're a real gore hound,

you're playing battle chess. Yeah, absolutely. Or, what's a thing that you like with the robots that play baseball for Nintendo? Oh, Baseball Simulator 1000. Yeah, there you go. I like how they picked a kind of unimpressive number for that.

Yeah. But I guess they were hoping it would become a franchise and then, you know, 2000, 3000. Got it. And I don't know. Maybe it did. There's literally no way to find out. Yeah. It was weird that they ended it with that like crazy sort of like space black hole scene with the baby in space and the whole freak out thing.

Yeah, yeah. But a lot of people say that the creative of Baseball Stars, sorry, Baseball Simulator 1000 is actually the guy who faked the moon landing. Yeah. And that scene was him confessing to it. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. It was Stanley Kubrick's first video game. I should mention Baseball Simulator 1000. By the way, Jordan, from now on,

new Jordan Jesse Go rule, you will bring up Baseball Simulator 1000, your favorite Nintendo Entertainment System baseball game. Sure. I will bring up Baseball Stars, your favorite Nintendo Entertainment System baseball game. Sure. I will bring up Baseball Stars, my favorite Nintendo Entertainment System baseball game. I'm sorry a slip of the tongue made me encroach onto your zone. Yeah, Jordan, there's a line in the sand here, okay? If you want to talk about Ro- Base Wars.

Base- What was Ba- Okay. I need somebody to Google this at this point. Brian, would you look up Baseball Simulator 1000 and see if it was different from Base Wars? I think Base Wars... You know what? Fucking no. No. Let's not talk about this anymore.

Let's just stop talking about this. Shoot lasers. Yeah. And then Baseball Stars is the one with the SNK crushers versus the lovely ladies. Yeah. Anyway. They're different. They're different.

But they are both on the Nintendo? Uh-huh. Yeah. Anyway. They're different. But they are both on the Nintendo? Uh-huh. NES. Okay. So these were competing futuristic baseball games. Well, good. We figured that out. You want to just end the show?

I mean, what more ground is there to cover? I mean, I haven't solved that debt crisis yet. And Jordan, to be clear, when I say, do you want to just end the show? I mean, like, should we just pack it in? Oh, the whole thing? Yeah. Can we – is there a way we can burn podcasting to the ground? Kind of like Sherman's March, you know?

Is there a way we can end it all? Can we send a guy with a dynamite vest into panoply? There's not a threat against panoply. They have many fine programs. But seriously, Andy Bowers, watch your fucking back. Yeah, we've got martyrs at the ready to dynamite vest in your operation. We're coming for you. We're coming for you, Pesca.

Yeah. You know what? This is payback for you being so nice to us. We're coming for you, that dating show I listened to and liked but forgot the name of. You know the one. Watch out. A collaboration with the Washington Post at some point, I'm sure. Yeah.

Chuh. Fuh. Yeah, watch out show about fuh. It's called Fuh Show. Yeah. On the dating show on Panoply that I can't remember the name of. Yes. Can I interrupt you for a second?

Yeah. I just named the podcast and I did a great job. Congratulations. For sure. F-H-O-S-H-O? P-H-O-S-H-O-W. Yeah. Yeah.

On the Panoply dating podcast, I learned that there is a celebrity Tinder. Oh, really? Yeah. It's called- Is Allison Beckers on it? I mean, I learned that there is a celebrity Tinder. Oh, really? Yeah. It's called- Is Allison Becker on it? I mean, why don't we introduce her? Yeah. And then we'll find out.

Our guest on this week's program is a hilarious actress, a charming host, a regular guest on Jordan Jesse Go, one of our favorites. You know her from many television programs, frequently on Parks and Recreation, for example. What are you on right now? What's a top credit for an Alison Becker right now? Well, right now I'm on a show on TruTV called You Can Do Better. Yeah, you can do better. Because can't you? Yeah.

Everybody. You can network. You've done network before. Come on, Alison Becker, let's step it up. That's great. TruTV, the home of Guy Branum. Mm-hmm. Home of Adam Conover. Others. The official Max Fun Television Network at this point. There you go.

Yeah. Alison Becker, it's a joy to have you back on the show. It's a joy to be back on the show. Thanks for having me. Did you know about Celebrity Tinder? I think you're talking about Raya? Yes. I am not on Raya.

Yeah. I'm not against online dating i haven't tried it uh one of the reasons why i haven't tried i don't know what raya is linked to but a lot of the apps are linked to facebook and i'm not on facebook oh interesting so i feel like that's discrimination right after that i think raya is linked to the Grams, which I am not on. Yeah. Oh, you're not. That's right.

You're not on it. I am on Instagram. I enjoy it. And I'm sure that's the only thing excluding me from this very exclusive social network where people go to fuck Ryan Gosling. I'm sure. Well, we would love to have you, guy who has been on Comedy Central three times. I also, like, try to make an effort to not date actors.

Sure. Okay. So I think I would not enjoy that app. Yeah. I also like try to make an effort to not date actors. Sure. So I think I would not enjoy that app. Yeah. Well, you could always date a nice development executive. That would be lovely. And I could pitch him while we're having sex. Oh, boy.

Here's the pitch. Hear me out. It's about cunnilingus. And how much you do. And how much and about how a guy is constantly doing it. No. So I learned about this celebrity tender and I asked a buddy of mine if he had heard of celebrity tender. This is a fellow celebrity.

This is Wallace Shawn. Oh, Wallace Shawn. Yeah. From the Princess Bride. Yeah. The acclaimed playwright. That's Shawn. Yeah. From the Princess Bride. Yeah, yeah. The acclaimed playwright. That's him. Yeah. Hoo boy, he gets so much ass on that.

Does he? If I was Wally Shawn, I'd be plowing my way through Hollywood if I was on that app. You know you're swiping right on Wally Shawn. Oh, absolutely. Indubitably. Inconceivable. Well played. Yeah. You're thinking of inconivable Well played Who says indubitably

You do now Just pretend like you didn't make a slight error As to what the princess bride catchphrase was That's just my new catchphrase Yeah you just gotta run with this thing now My other new catchphrase is Never get involved in a land war in South America There you go

Classic This is like the catchphrase is never get involved in a land war in south america there you go classic this is like this is like the catchphrase version of like tripping and then pretending you were like walk running got it lean into this uh so i asked this buddy i'm like oh yeah have you heard of the celebrity tender and he's like oh yeah i have heard of the celebrity tender um you know you got to submit your instagram and then like, you know, someone vets you. Hilarious. Yeah, yeah. They vet you to see if you have a vet.

Very important that you have a vet. You know Gosling's got a vet. Oh, several. Yeah. Many vets. And he's like, oh, yeah, they have to, you know, they have to vet you and, you know, just make sure. And I do know that your profile, because I have, I who are on it, and that your profile is like a video.

Yeah, and I hear a song autoplays, which was the most stressful part about thinking about this. Wasn't that how MySpace was too? Couldn't you add a song to your MySpace account? Yeah, absolutely. So Celebrity Tinder is like a- It's basically MySpace. Yeah, a 16-year-old favorite Screamo band's MySpace page. Exactly.

And I was like, oh, okay. So I have a female friend who I know is all over the apps. Okay. I asked her. I'm like, oh, hey, so I hear there's like a celebrity. You know, I've been on Comedy Central three times. I'm a creative. Yeah.

You're a celebrity. I mean, you know. I'm a creative. Yeah. You're a celebrity. I mean, you know. I'm like, is this an option for me, Jordan Morris? I would say yes. Fuel TV is Jordan Morris. I've hung out with you and, like, people come up, like, fans come up to you. You are a celebrity. Do they seem like the kind of fans who would be on an Instagram vetted dating app?

They're attractive. The women are very attractive. Yeah. I, I, let me segue into a story about that. Let me finish this story. Uh,

and then, so I asked this woman, like, so she's done a lot of dating apps. I'm like, Oh, Hey, so have you heard of the celebrity tender?

Do you think, do you think it's something I should apply for? And she's like, no, but she may have been saying that as a compliment. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Because like it sounds just like I'm sure there's lovely people on it.

I have friends who are on it. But it also sounds like it probably attracts the douchiest people as well. I'm sure that's what she was getting at. Right? I'm too salt of the earth. Too real. Yeah. Like you could also like probably date on it.

But are you really going to find like your partner on there? I don't know. That's why I have to go on more rafting trips. I did hear about a dating service that is aimed at like activities. Like your first date is like a hike or skydiving or something. Oh, boy. And I'm like that kind of sounds interesting. I don't know.

That would be great to get on that and just put your activity as the most dangerous game. Do you want to hunt man for sport with me? Or we hunt each other. Show up with just a giant rifle and just go chunk, chunk. Oh, you were hunting them. Yeah. Yeah, you're doing the hunting. Yeah.

That's what dating is all about. Whoever someone has to win the date. Yeah. I'm a maninist. If you survive the night, second date, miniature golfing. Yeah. That's what dating is all about. Whoever someone has to win the date. Yeah. I'm a meninist. If you survive the night, second date, miniature golfing. Yeah. A little more chill. What's the story you're going to tell about the attractive fans who come up to you?

Now, number one, I want to say that I think she was laughing, not because you don't belong on that app, but because you don't need that app. Yeah. You can fuck Ryan Gosling whenever you want, Jordan. Oh, thanks, guys. I mean, you guys fuck all the time, you and Ryan Gosling. Get with the goss. That's what you're always saying to me. You're always texting me.

Get with the goss. Yeah. And we are always fucking each other. But here's the thing. I think it's just sex for him. Right. And he's nice about it. But he seems like he would be nice about it. Realistically, Jordan, what is it for you? It's sex. And also I have a movie to pitch him about cuddling. We're trying to work, guys. We're trying to get jobs. Yeah. Now, listen. I adore Jordan and Jesse Goh fans. They are the nicest people in the world.

Yep. And they are why we do this. Yep. Certainly no other reason to do this other than our lovely fans. And any time we meet one of them, we're grateful. Absolutely. That is the 25 best people on this earth. We will now name them. So I was in Austin not that long ago for-

Biggie in the Mets was upset that I've never name dropped him on the show. So there you go. There you go, fella. Yeah. I was in Austin, Texas for a wedding, and I had lunch with our buddy Griffin from The Brother Podcast. Yeah. You know the one. Well, he also does Tales from the Magic Tavern now.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Alton, for you, Griffin is a guy on our podcast network who does many shows which are much more popular than this one. Yes. And great shows. Fabulous. Fabulous. On merit.

Popular for a reason. Yeah. Got the context. So we're walking up. And let's be honest. Griffin is the best one. Sure. Number one with a bullet.

Four. A bullet for Travis and Justin, his other two brothers, who deserve to die. What is this? Some kind of magic bullet? It can go through one guy and then the other guy? They shouldn't have lined up while they were playing the most dangerous game. There you go. Mistake one.

So we're walking up to this Austin restaurant. Barbecue. Going to get yourself some queso? Here's the thing. I'm texting with Griffin, saying, where are we going to? I'm in Austin. In Austin, they call it text-mxting.

It's texting, but it's covered in queso. I love it. I'm like, where are we going? He's like, I know a great Vietnamese place. I'm like, Vietnamese place? Vietnamese in Austin? Give me a fucking break. You say it yourself. I'm here for Vietnamese place. I'm like, Vietnamese place? Vietnamese in Austin? Give me a fucking break. You say it yourself. I'm here for the cue.

I'm here for the max of the Tex variety. This fucking Vietnamese place was goddamn delicious. It was like one of the best meals I've had this year was at this Austin Vietnamese place. It was so good. I didn't know there was even a strong Vietnamese community in Austin. It was probably cooked by a white. But it was so good. It was probably cooked by a tattoo white.

You know, whites cook some good stuff these days. Yeah. I ate at a Rick Bayless restaurant in Chicago, and it was pretty fucking good. Who's that? He's a white that makes Mexican food. Okay. Yeah. In Chicago, they believe Rick Bayless invented Mexican food.

Ah, sure. Yeah. This might be racism, but if I walk into a sushi bar and the sushi chef is not Japanese, I leave. I think that's one of the ones that it's okay. Now, this might be racism. If I walk into a sushi bar and the sushi chef is not waving a samurai sword, I leave. So you leave a lot. You leave a lot.

So you've never eaten at a sushi bar. I think that's more of a cultural thing though because I just know the Japanese culture is very clean and I wouldn't trust an American to handle raw fish. Again, the dirtiest race, Americans. I'm filthy. Previously, you were sort of on the edge of racism.

Now you've jumped right in. But it's more xenophobia towards Americans. Okay. Got it. It's a kind of a self-hating thing. It's a self-hating thing. You're filthy. I know how much I scratch my balls.

Right. I don't want to handle a piece of uni that I've handled. Right. I don't want you to make sushi for me, Jordan. No. I've handled. I don't want you to make sushi for me, Jordan. No! I love you. I don't want you to make sushi for me. I don't want that for you because I love you. I don't want you to put something in your mouth that I have handled.

Guys, I love both of you. Make me some fucking sushi. Alright! I will be running the dandruff out of my hair while I do it. Okay, so you eat this Vietnamese food. It's dope. You're excited.

It's dope. It's great. I'm like, what's this? Way to go. You got the whole McElroy clan there? You looking at G-Mac? You looking at a Rachel McElroy? Just Griffin.

Yeah. Okay. Boys night out, baby. Yeah, sure. You're in Austin. You're on JK. Gotta get some pho with your bro. Yeah.

Pho. Three letters. Bro. Three letters. Coincidence? Nah. Jordan. Also three letters.

You're talking to the host of Pho Show. I know a little bit about going out for pho with your bro. Yeah. As we're walking up to this restaurant, a real Austin cutie walks up to Griffin. He's a married man, and I'm sure was not, you know. No. Not even on Boys Night Out. Not even on Boys Night Out.

She was ecstatic to meet him. She was so thrilled, like Ed Sullivan Beatles gasping. Amazing. Wanted a pic. Wanted a pic. Wanted to – can you – I'm going to call my friend and you leave the message on their voicemail. And then just listing like just a – I mean and, you know, and I get it, man. The guy is fucking great.

Yeah. And if I saw him out on the street and did not know him, I would feel similarly. Yeah. Gushing. Yeah. So I'm like I'm going to – I i'm not gonna hover around like some weirdo i'm gonna go inside put our name in great and then uh so i go inside put our name in and a fellow walks up to me uh and i would describe this man as a kind of younger version of Jay Maskis from Dinosaur Junior. Does that paint a picture?

I got it perfectly. You could have just said an Austinite. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Austin Man 27B comes up to me and is like, hey, Jordan Morris, cool podcast, and leaves. So maybe I need celebrity tender. Nah, fuck it. Wait, I have a question for both of you.

Yes, please. As personalities, visible personalities, is there anyone who you would meet that you would probably freak out, like probably lose your shit over a little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good question. Does one come to mind for you, Jesse? There's one that I can't say because I may be meeting and working with this person. Okay. We'll see.

Knock on wood. Is it my boy Wally Sean? I would kind of freak out if I met Wally Sean. Wally Sean I would be like intimidated by. I feel like oftentimes it's like – let me ask you this. Is there anyone that you had a crush on when you were younger that if you met them now you'd still be like – Well, we've talked on this show about the time I was at the public radio conference. And then all of a sudden I was – and I was at like the welcome reception.

And then all of a sudden I realized that I had just started talking to Lisa Loeb. And I was at like the welcome reception. And then all of a sudden I realized that I had just started talking to Lisa Loeb. And I was like, Lisa Loeb, by the way, is like the chillest, nicest person. I know Lisa. She's lovely. What an amazing person. I met Loeb this year. Similar. But I think that's like, yeah.

I also feel like of our age group, a lot of guys were obsessed with Alyssa Milano. Because she was like on Who's the boss at the age when we were discovering our bodies. Sure. Oh, there's the boss, I said to myself. I remember meeting Gina Gershon when I was doing

the goofy press junkets for the Fuel TV and being like, oh, I remember. And it was just such a vivid sense of memory. You're like, I thought about you in a naughty way. Yes, yes. Yeah. I remember thinking about you and hoping my mom wouldn't come home.

Gina Gershon from Face Off. That was a weird – yeah, you know, I think it's – you know, it's not necessarily like who's the most famous, but I think it was like – Yeah, it's not who like who's the most famous, but I think it was like. Yeah, it's not who's the most famous. It's just who you have that weird connection with. Who was important to you during a pivotal time. Exactly. Do you have.

That will make you regress to a child. Now I know you've met Bon Jovi. Yeah, that was mine. Okay. And I did not do well. I am from New Jersey. I've seen Bon Jovi in concert 22 times. Oh, boy.

I love them. I love him. And I got to interview him once and I really couldn't hold my shit together. I just couldn't do it. You've hosted innumerable things. You're a perfectly professional, competent interviewer. Interviewed arguably more famous people and I was fine with them. famous people uh and i um was fine with them and then bon jovi i just when he when john bon jovi walked in the room i just started talking so fast that he literally had to put his hand on me and go

slow down oh boy uh and then we started the interview and um i said to camera i was like when i was a little girl growing up in new jersey, I had two dreams. One of them was to own a dolphin named Oliver. And the other was to make out with Jon Bon Jovi. And neither of those are ever going to come true. And then he grabbed me and he kissed me. Oh, boy. And I watched that tape over and over. Well, there was no telling.

No, sure. It was just like a weird TV joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was pretty great. Interesting. But it was pretty great. Interesting. I was noticing you referred to Bon Jovi as both him and them.

So there's Bon Jovi the band and Bon Jovi the man. You wanted to make out with the band. Yeah, I wanted to make out with the band. Who's the other guy? Who's the other famous? Richie Sambora. He's no longer in the band. Oh, no.

What happened? Alcohol happened, I think. Sambora. Sambora. I think they left amicably. One of the only bands, Bon Jovi and also Poison, they're two of the only bands that have been around so long because the lead singer is also technically the employer. Did you know that? I did not know that. A lot of bands break up because of creative differences because no one has final say.

But Bret Michaels with Poison and Jon Bon Jovi with Bon Jovi, they're the boss. So if there is any tension, he has final say. If the drummer's like, I want to do some reggae stuff. Tico Torres? Yeah, Tico Torres. I have his original art hanging on my wall. Oh, boy. I'm in deep, guys.

What's a Tico Torres artwork like? It's a charcoal drawing of a half-naked John Bon Jovi. It's somewhere between Francis Pave and Picasso, if you guys know art. It's somewhere between those two. Okay. What are you dropping on a Torres? It was gifted to me by the head of some network who was like, he gave this to me and it's been in my basement for years and I know you're a weird Bon Jovi freak. Do you want it?

And I was like, yes. But I don't know what it would cost. I have a rare Torres in my basement. Chico Torres. Yeah. Do you have any medical tape? I just broke my eyeglass. It's the only – well, it's not the only.

It's like the most embarrassing thing about me how much I love Bon Jovi what's more embarrassing I don't know but that's pretty embarrassing what's similarly embarrassing let me think on it

I'm catching you here because you let into this you clearly set yourself up to reveal further embarrassing things about you ordinarily I wouldn't put you on the spot

no that's fair let me think I don't know if there's anything I want to admit. Okay. What's the most recent Bon Jovi concert you've been to? Honestly, it's been like two years, and that's

a long time for me. Why have you turned against Jon Bon Jovi? I don't know. Because he kicked out Sambora. Yeah. I saw him once without Sambora. It was still good. What's the crowd like at a Bon Jovi concert two years ago? Great question. A lot of people in their 40s.

Jimmy Pardo, probably. I was going to say, I feel like you are younger than the average person. Well, I'm still in my 30s, but I'm pushing. But I was also like my older cousins listened to him and my brother. So I was like looked up to them and wanted to be into like, and I go because it'll be hilarious. And then once the concert starts, they're like, this is a great show. And I forgot I know all these songs.

So don't mock it till you tried it. I have a live music experience coming up. I want to tell you guys about it. Okay. I know I'm going to get shit for it. I know I'm going to get shit for it in Okay. I know I'm going to get shit for it. I know I'm going to get shit for it in here. I know I'm going to get shit for it online later. Okay, okay.

But I have good reasons. All right. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to go up to Pasadena and I'm going to see Smash Mouth. Shut the fuck up! Everyone! It's worse than I thought it was going to be. Okay. It's worse than I thought it was going to be.

It's worse than I thought it was going to be. Why? I have seen them live, not intentionally. They were just playing in a show of other people. Why? They were just playing at a Macy's. You were walking down. The guy just sits at the piano at Nordstrom's.

In the Husky Boys department. Yeah. Sail on cargo shorts. I just found out. Husky Boys. My friend told me that when he was younger he was a little chubby

and he said he shopped in the Husky section. I didn't know that that's what it was called. I bet the original name for Smash Mouth was the Husky Boys. With a Z.

Yeah. So, okay. So, on at midnight where I work, a problem that we run into a lot is the frame of reference that the audience has. Okay. I ran into this problem when I did a branded episode of Judge John Hodgman. Uh-huh. And John Hodgman. That sentence is the most Hollywood thing you've ever said. John Hodgman referenced. Youhuh. And John Hodgman. That sentence is the most Hollywood thing you've ever said.

John Hodgman referenced. He didn't call it content. No. A Depeche Mode license plate. Mm-hmm. And the advertising agency had us cut the entire segment. Mm-hmm. A Depeche Mode license plate frame that he had seen.

The advertising agency had us cut the entire segment with just the simple dismissal, millennials don't know what that is. That's so sad. Don't know the mode? Yeah. But they also, like, don't even know who, like, Nirvana is. That's, like, insane to me. Well, here's— Plus, they're lazy.

Yeah. They think that they can just get over based on my work. You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's what we did. And they all want a fucking my work. You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's what we did. And they all want a fucking participation trophy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm sick of handing out participation trophies to entitled millennials who don't like racism.

Have fun in your safe space, Snapchat. Yeah. I'll be over here enjoying my freedom by being a racist. So, you know, there's – and I don't necessarily think – so a problem we have on At Midnight is like, well, we know there's the television audience who's probably cool comedy fans. At home. And then there's the in-house audience. Yes. Which is like tourists probably, right?

Yeah. Like people who are like, oh, the Wheel of Fortune is full. Yeah. Could be anything. And they're not hip to At Midnight. Yes. Which is like tourists probably, right? Yeah. People who are like, oh, the Wheel of Fortune is full. Yeah. Could be anything. And they're not hip at midnight. No. My parents don't know what at midnight is. No.

Of course. No, I want them. You've been on it. I've been on it and they would just be so confused. Yeah, yeah. I made a blowjob joke. Their heads would explode. Sure.

Yeah. My mom, the last time I was on it, my mom came to sit in the audience and it was 90% period jokes, I think. It could be worse. It could be worse. It was real vulgar. I was sitting behind your mom and Brad. Oh, yeah. Periods are not vulgar.

Yeah. I mean, sorry, you think it's vulgar, Jesse. I think they're beautiful. What? Now it's weird. Now I'm on Jesse's side. No, I don't know. I think they're strong.

This is even creepier. And I was looking over them to see you. And I was maybe eight feet behind them. That's fun, right? And you should know that they did really enjoy it very sincerely. I can imagine. But I did find myself thinking at every punchline, Jordan's mom's right there. She's a nice nurse.

Sure. Doesn't understand why you have to swear to be funny. Yeah. But that is a challenge because you want to get that energy from the audience in-house. Sure. But they're not your crowd. Yeah. Oh, just real quick.

Have you, so you mentioned feeling bad about the blowjob joke and your mom seeing it. Have you ever had to do a performance or put out a show that you were weird about your mom seeing? 90 percent of the stuff. My parents are like very Catholic. They've been together since they were 12, since the sixth grade. So, yeah, most of the stuff – Literally? Yeah, literally. Wow. Crazy, right? And that's not like hyperbole. That's like legit.

And they couldn't use birth control then because they're catholic yeah yeah so they're 12 years older than you no they are not i see the math you did there uh they they also like is i they tried for 10 years to have kids because this was like before all this like fertility magic and stuff. So they just kept trying and trying. And finally they prayed enough and it happened. They got their own little earth angel. We'll be right back after this next hit from whoever sang that song. It's me, Casey Kasem. Well done.

Thank you. Nobody listening knows who that is. So I think so. Yeah. So I'm admitting. So you you you know, you've got the home the home viewer who probably has a pretty hip frame of reference. Right. I would imagine.

Right. Because they're watching this show. They're tuning in to see Paul F. Tompkins. They're live tweeting it. Sure. Steve Agee and Morgan Murphy. Snapchat. All that.

I'm just saying apps. Keep naming them. They're using them. Yes're using them. Waze. Yes, they're using Waze. They're getting candy from a ninja. Postmates. They're freezing up every time a KFC ad pops up. Yeah. GoPro. GoPro. Sure. Now just brands.

Hershey's. Marshalls. Yeah. Easy Spirits, guys. Easy Spirits. Bunch of Rent-A-Car. Alamo Rententa cars. Always Renta cars. Oh, millennials.

Oh, millennials. You guys love Renta cars at the airport. So, you know, so there's this thing of like, you know, making a joke but feeling like the audience didn't know who Depeche Mode was or something like that. Feeling like the audience didn't know who Depeche Mode was or something like that. So we've had to kind of collect this little basket of references that we feel like are, you know, cool enough for the home audience, but also, you know, that people kind of get. Wait, can I just ask a question? Yeah. Is this a back way of justifying that you're going to a smash mouth concert as quote unquote research? No, it's not.

I won't try to pass it off as research. that no no you you should call watch some fucking videos listen it's a bullshit thing that i'm doing jordan doesn't have to release his tax returns to you yeah he's under audit he has to release his comedy tax returns to me um okay so so so there's some things we can kind of count on that people get. Right. Drake. Right. You say Drake, an audience goes fucking nuts. Yeah.

Kids love to hear jokes about Drake. Right. Interesting. Do they know that he was on Degrassi? I think they do know that. And that's probably why, because it hits like a wide audience. Yeah. He was like a child star and is also a rapper.

So, yeah. Yeah. No. And I think you're right about that. He does kind of like span. audience. Yeah. He was like a child star and is also a rapper. So, yeah. Yeah. No, I think and I think you're right about that. He does kind of like span. Yes. You know, there are many. Yes, exactly. He's exactly.

Plus, he's Canadian. There's a whole thing there. He cries. He wears little sweaters. Great. Fucking Drake. Fun to goof on. And for whatever reason, a joke about how much Smash Mouth sucks pretty much always kills.

And I don't know why. I think that there's an element because the kids love to meme Shrek. So I think because of their strong association with Shrek, people also know who Smash Mouth is. Shrek is that racist frog? That's the one, yeah. Wait, I have an ignorant question. You're thinking of Harambe. I have an ignorant question.

How does Smash Mouth relate to Shrek? On all the Shrek movies, there is usually always a Smash Mouth song on the soundtrack. Didn't even realize that. Yeah, it's a thing. Didn't realize that. Probably, yeah, okay, yeah. Now it's tracking in my head. Got it.

So, again, still not sure why I'm going to a Smash Mouth show. So there was a beloved writer's assistant on it at midnight. I'll say her name, Katie Mathewson. If she's out there, you're great. She's out there. She left to write on the hit fox baseball program pitch oh I read that script

it's great yeah I don't think she wrote the pilot but she's writing on the series great so what about the lady

baseball player right that's the one yeah girls play sports too hashtag girls play sports too yeah you know when you're talking

about this episode hashtag it JJ go hashtag girls play sports too Allison I think she's're talking about this episode hashtag it jj go hashtag girls play sports too allison i think she's a woman you're right she is my bad my bad i just i don't know like jesse i just call her brave no what no guys come on we have a podcast who's applauding right now so many people hashtag girls play sports too has already has such momentum and hashtag women play sports too only has like 300 posts no you're right yeah yeah yeah let's just but yes she is a woman i was being disrespectful we were all being please tell us why you're hashtag we're never gonna let you

get through this yeah if you're out there play baseball in heaven with a child. Sends out a mass email. Katie. Katie does. Haven't seen her in months. Okay. Post-leaving. Post-leaving.

Okay. Beloved member of the family. Hey, guys. Smash Mouth is in town. Oh, okay. I get it. Would love it if we would all go. Great.

I'm saying yes to life. Now I'm in. I'm in. Okay, I'm in. I get this. Maybe love it if we would all go. Great. I'm saying yes to life. Now I'm in. I'm in. Okay, I'm in. I get this. Maybe, and here, hold on. So I'm not completely in at this point. I'm buying this ticket. But it'd be fun, a fun reunion.

Yeah. It's while we're on break. It's in Pasadena. How much did that ticket run? 30 bucks. Great. Wow. I'm in.

Yeah. Sure. I mean, we're getting up to the point where, eh, this is too much. But, you know. Right. But Pasadena is far. Pasadena is a little bit of a haul. It's not an $80 ticket.

Speak for yourself. Some of us live in Mount Washington. Yeah, you're right. Sure. A little closer for you. I think Jesse's offering for you to crash. Can I crash you? Because I am going to be so fucked up after this.

I'm going to need some bananas and some Gatorade. I'm going to be rolling, too, by the way. Got it. And I'm like, what? You know, we're saying yes to life. We're going. What better conversation starter is there than I've seen Smash Mouth this year? What do you think they open with?

One of those YouTube videos if they're raw vocals? Oh, God. Those are the best. Do yourself a little favor. Next time you're hanging out on YouTube, Google Smash Mouth raw vocals, and it'll just be a guy going, yeah, let's party. Party all the time. Yeah, yeah. Cadillac.

With no music. No music. And I'm not doing a mean version of it. That is it. That was a fucking, I was doing it a favor. There's so much conviction in it. It's amazing. And if you're not, and again, I'm not totally convinced this was a good idea.

Are you guys going to get – how many people are going? I think it's a 10-person group. I mean I'm going to make a crazy proposal here because you should get like a limo, a stretch limo or a party bus. Oh, a party bus. Shit. If you have 10 people in – Fuck. Because right there it's cheaper than an Uber.

I've never been on a party bus. Oh, because they have mini party buses, like a Jitney. Is that what it's called? I don't know. Like a Jitney is like a little bus, right? It might not be. It sounds like an antiquated racist term. I think a Jitney is a bus that goes a short distance.

Okay. Not necessarily and actually. No. What's a chutney? Chutney is like a savory jam I don't know that's what I'm going to call it though a savory jam a savory chunky jam Jordan if you want to

if you get yourself a party bus I think you can get a smash mouth discount oh yeah if you just say hey we're going to see the mouth if there's anyone out there who has party bus discounts for Jordan please hit him up. Please hit him up. So here's the thing that I think put me

over the edge from is this a good idea to fuck yes, this is a good idea. T-shirts were made. God, that's another fucking great idea.

Get some puffy paint. I should get in on this. Mouth 2016. I think Allison's a beloved part of the At Midnight family. No, you can come. You can legitimately come

if you want to. Who's opening for Smash Mouth? Great question. Another great question. Don't know. Who's Traveler? So it just, okay. Here's the bomb I'm about to drop on you guys.

Sugar Ray. God, I wish. John Popper featuring Mark McGrath. Yeah. Mark McGrath raps. Popper plays the harmonica. I was looking at my ticket and questioning my life choices. That's fair.

Am I doing this? Come on. Really? Okay. Because you spent $30 on this. $30. You could have bought LFO tickets. Sure.

Could have bought XFL tickets. You got it. You were really hating me, me being you. Yeah. He was hating... Wait, let me say that again. He hate me. With he being you and me also being you.

I hate myself. Look at this ticket. This performance? Yeah. Semi-acoustic. Ooh. Shut up. Yeah.

Shut up. This is going to be like their storytellers. You might get some raw vocals. Yeah. So, maybe this is like a fucking... like a fucking thing where nobody opens for them. They just sit down on stools with guitars like the Eagles. VH1 unplugged. Yeah.

And they tell the stories behind All Star, The Others. How much marijuana are you going to smoke before the show? I don't know. I'm thinking about what drugs to do and how much of them to do. I don't know. I just like weed for concerts. Yeah. It just really makes me enjoy everything.

Yeah. It is good for that. It is really fun. Maybe like one beer. Yeah. Okay. You know. But you got to get that party bus.

You're doing everything wrong unless you get that. That's a stellar idea. Because, again, I think it might even be like a discount compared to 10 people taking lifts and Ubers or no. You're for parking. Sure. You're absolutely right. I looked at the venue. They're performing at the Rose in Pasadena.

What's the Rose? So the Rose I had not heard of. So I looked on there. Yeah. It's like a Chuck E. Cheese. Bring the kids. There's a ball pit. This is a smash mouth. Now, that seems like a Chuck E. Cheese. Bring the kids, there's a ball pit. This is a Smash Mouth.

Now that seems like a place to see Smash Mouth. Yeah, I would see that. Mouth at the Chuck. Yeah. And the first, I would say, 20 pictures on this place's Yelp page are of Ted Nugent. Performing there, not eating there. Wow. Just chowing down on some What's Realistics.

I'm very curious about the semi-acoustic context. Yeah. I guess my first question is... Please. Who is the customer who says this? I love Smash Mouth. I'm looking forward to seeing them in concert. Mouth. I'm looking forward to seeing them in

concert. But what I love about Smash Mouth is not their bombast. It's their message. Yes. He is Bono in cargo shorts. I would assume that it is a limitation

of the venue. You might be right. You think the Nuge was playing acoustic? Yeah, I don't know. How big is this place? It does seem to just be an Outback Steakhouse. Like I've never heard. Like it has a little stage.

I've never heard of it. Yeah. Which means nothing because I'm not cool. But I'm like, it's not the Rose Bowl. It's not something I'm like, oh, I've heard of that. That's a place that people go see concerts. So maybe it's just a smaller, cool place. Intimate. Yeah. It would be awesome if they's not the Rose Bowl. It's not something I'm like, oh, I've heard of that. That's a place that people go see concerts. So maybe it's just a smaller, cool place. Intimate.

Yeah. It would be awesome if they were playing the Rose Bowl. 100,000 screaming fans. I mean, like, Smash Mouth has, I mean, there's a reason that Smash Mouth was the theme music for the Shrek movies. Smash Mouth has a certain charm, right? I don't think I'm off base in saying that there's something fun about Smash Mouth songs. Sure. The name is so bad.

It's a very bad name. It's such a bad name. I don't love the word mouth. No. Or smash. You're right. Neither word is good. But like inherent to the thing that you like about Smash Mouth is their bombast.

Sure. How can you do that with an acoustic guitar? But I guess it's like- Tenacious D at that point without the singing. But that's the cool thing about it. It's like when Adam Sandler did Punch Drunk Love and you're like, how is he going to do it?

It's like not in his element. We like him as this big goofy guy, but then it was fucking amazing. Do you think they're finally going to get an Oscar nod? Yeah. Then they're just going to go back to doing movies with Kevin James.

Yeah, no, and I think that's actually a great observation. Maybe they do have something to prove. You know, this is a... They're musicians. They're artists, Jesse. People know us as...

People think we like to party, but really we also like to feel. Yeah, people think... Here's a love song we wrote. Yeah, I wonder... I like to party. Yeah, I do think maybe this is like a big turning point for them and I have never seen them plugged.

Let alone unplugged. Yeah. So you won't be able to do an A-B comparison. You should probably get on YouTube and check out if there's some hot vids. Yeah, I bet there's some hot vids. From shows. Some live bootlegs. Some like German music festivals.

Oh, God. Do they still have that channel that's just live concerts? Oh, yeah. I think so. It's called like, yeah. Something with a P and I can't remember the name of it. It's called like. Is it called Palladium or am I making that up?

I think it might be Palladium. This is a favorite channel of my stepdad. I dated a guy who loved it and it was excruciating to me. I'm like, why would you want to watch? It's like watching people eating. It's just like, I want to be there. I don't want to watch it. It's excruciating to me.

It's like watching one of those Les Mis live in concert specials on PBS. No, that wasn't meant to be watched on a screen. Or watching an improv show recorded. You're just like, no, you want to be there. There's no magic. Yeah. But your stepdad's into it? My stepdad, yeah.

Stepdad loves Palladium. Last year at Christmas, we watched the Brian Setzer Christmas special on it. That sounds fun. It was really fun. I mean, I'm not even being sarcastic here.

No, no, it was fun. I'm not either. I am not being sarcastic. We had a lot of fun watching it. I was at a Christmas party the other day and the Yule Log was on in the background, and now there's all these cool hip Yule Logs.

There's the one with the dog and the cat. No, I had no idea there were new logs. The one I grew up with was WPIX Channel 11 out of New York. I was in Jersey, and it was just traditional Yule Log. Sure. And now the traditional one on a lot of the networks has like a dog and a cat because like you got to. They're not on fire. They're not.

No, they're not being burned. They're alive. And they just take turns like hang out in front of the camera. Then there's like an animal planet one that's like has these cats that like poof and disappear and then reappear, which is very odd. The Yule log that'll freak you out if you're on shrews. Yeah. And I was like the only one paying attention to it because why would you watch that? And I was like, the cat keeps disappearing.

And they're like, sure. Sure, Allison. But then someone else put one on and it took me forever to realize it wasn't just the scene in the movie, but it's just the Darth Vader funeral pyre scene where he's just burning. It just goes on and on and on. Shit, that's pretty good. I know. And I was like, oh, it's pretty great. Yeah, this is good.

It just goes on and on and on. Shit, that's pretty good. I know, and I was like, oh, it's pretty great. Yeah, this is good. Yeah, what's an Alison Becker doing for Christmas this year? I feel like you usually have fun seasonal activities. Guys, I'm going to pause the show here. Yeah. We're 45 minutes in.

Okay. Let's take our first break. Yeah. When we come back, we're going to talk to Alison Becker about what some of her top Christmas activities are. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, One podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology to enrich the lives of billions. And now, after a year where they've unlocked the golden age of knowledge, they're about to hit warp speed and go stratospheric. Wait, hold up. On Oh No Ross and Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims. We investigate them. We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims,

and we participate in pseudoscientific medical treatments and then report our findings to you. And yes, we've even investigated Scientology. Shrash. New episodes every month at MaximumFun.org. Oh no, Ross and Carrie. They show up so you don't have to. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Allison Becker, human being. Jordan. Yes. We got something up on the Jumbotron this week. Boy, we sure do. And it's seasonally appropriate. It's called the Jingle Friends Podcast.

Oh, this is someone's podcast? It could be about commercial jingles. But when I read the title, I assumed it was about Christmas. Why don't I read more? Yeah. Calling all comedy pod fans, come on down to The Jingle Friends Podcast and listen to three comedians from Brooklyn goof and gaff about holiday movies and specials every week. Oh, good. My assumption was correct.

It is about Christmas, the holidays. We're three non-believers getting in the holiday spirit all year round. We've got great guests from the NYC comedy and art scene and TV shows like The Simpsons, Ridiculous Tangents, Social Commentary, Esoteric Games of Fuck, Marry, Kill. Subscribe today. We love you. The Jingle Friends, iTunes, Stitcherunes stitcher or at jingle friends.com if you want to get up on the jumbotron it is fun and easy maximum fun.org slash jumbotron we will share your message with the world literally dozens of people every week tune in to jordan jesse go to get their latest fix in the world of aimless conversation. High quality.

Sure. You know, someone said on the Maximum Fun Reddit, they said, why is Jesse always slagging off the show? I want to be clear. I think this is a great show. I sincerely believe this to be a great show. I'm very proud of this show and I love doing it every week. Yeah, not as proud as this Fuh podcast.

Fuh show is a whole other thing, because that taps into a kind of a vibrant millennial audience. It's your offshoot, yeah. This is your semi-acoustic performance. Yeah. Just because this show isn't especially popular doesn't mean I believe it not to be good. I think this is a great show. It's the listening audience that are stupid. Oh, no.

For not taking to it more. The not listening audience is stupid. The listening audience are absolutely correct. You're right. This is a fucking great show. Great work. You're doing great, guys. Thank you, Allison.

So are you over there on True TV. I'm trying. You know, when I said you can do better about your show, you can do better. Yeah. I was just joshing you. I want you to know that. You're operating at the peak of your abilities. I can always do better.

That's a good point. We all can. We all can. That's a good point. Maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron is how you get up on the Jumbotron. We will share your message with our audience. We are also coming to where you live. If you live in San Francisco or Chicago.

We're coming to the SF Sketch Fest. Oh, I love that SF Sketch Fest. It's a lot of fun. Love that SF Sketch Fest. Always a great show, great crowd. January 14th is the date. I'm going to be there doing Judge John Hodgman as well. On Jordan, Jesse, go. We're going to have the great Travis McElroy. Yeah, just confirm that via email. I'm going to be in town.

Hey, Trav, come on over. I'm sorry that earlier on the show I said I wanted to kill you. Pop by the show. Let's make amends. Do you write Trav in the email? I call him Travy Trav. Travy Trav. E-Y or Y-I-E. T-Mac sometimes. Sometimes I just call him by their first initial in Mac. That's a lot of fun. That's fun.

Yeah, that's going to be a great show. Come to that. Probably more guests, too. That's always a fun – that's like one of our most fun – I feel like since we were in doing sketch comedy 10 years ago, we have never failed to have a good time doing a show at SF Sketch Fest. Always a blast. I'm going to go out on a limb. Best comedy audience in the world. Oh, yeah.

Not hyperbole. They're great. Yeah. I was up there with you once, Jordan, for our in the world. Oh, yeah. Not hyperbole. They're great. I was up there with you once, Jordan, for our old sketch group. Oh, yeah. Those were pretty good shows. They were fun. So, yeah. Casper Hauser's doing a show at Sketchfest

this year. There you go. Triumph of Return. I was just up in San Francisco and I went to the Tonga Room. Have you guys been to the Tong just up in San Francisco and I went to the Tonga Room. Have you guys been to the Tonga Room? I would like to go to the Tonga Room. They have a pool. It used to be the old pool in the hotel and now they keep the pool there with a little boat in it that the band

plays on. And it's I love tiki bars and it's like one of the best. It's the best. Hands down the best tiki bar I've ever been to. Wow. And I asked the manager how many times people get drunk and jump in the pool, thinking that he was going to say like once a year. And he said one to two a week. Wow.

And I was like, do they get banned? And he's like, well, we kick them out for the night, but they're welcome back the next day. After they towel off. And then he told me that if I were going to get drunk and do that to actually walk around to the other side, because the shallow end is near the bar and that's where most people jump in. But you should be smart and go to the deep end. I like that they've just accepted that this will happen.

I kind of wanted to do it though just for the story. Yeah. Boy, that is super low stakes. Especially if you don't live there. It's not like, you know. Yeah. Check it out though. It's real fun.

Yeah, I'd like to check it out. I might jump in the pool. We've also got very, very fun day coming up in February in Chicago. That is going to be a blast. We're going to be there with a bunch of other MaxFun shows, The Flap House, Stop Podcasting Yourself, Ono, Ross, and Carrie, Judge John Hodgman, plus some local Chicago shows, a great stand-up show with Graham. That is 90% sold out as of this recording. It will be more than that by the time this hits the air. So if you want to go to that show, yeah, you better fucking take care of business and get on out there.

I also want to mention that that very same day, February 11th, in Brooklyn, New York City, I will be promoting a show that I have produced, a bullseye comedy show called Bullseye Comedy Night. Comedy Night Bullseye, something like that. It's at Radio Love Fest, which is a great festival the WNYC puts on at BAM, the Brooklyn Academy of Music. And we're putting together a stand-up show with, and get ready for this, because I'm about to name a fucking murderer's row of past Jordan Jesse Go guests. Hari Kondabolu, okay, that's number one. Solomon Giorgio, Maeve Higgins, Guy Branham, and Phoebe Robinson. That is five killer stand-ups on one show.

I'm going to appear videographically, I think. It's going to be real fun. So if you live in Brooklyn, go to that. You can find more information at BAM.org. Yeah, all those shows. Also, MaximumFun.org for all your ticket links and everything you need. We'll talk to you again in just a second on Jordan Desigo. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, next June or MaxFunCon East in the Poconos next September. Tickets for both events are on sale now, but they're going fast.

Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets right now. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Allison Becker, very single. Really? Mm-hmm. No, no, let me, the follow-up question.

Are you ready to mingle? Si, senor. Yeah. Ooh, with perhaps a spicy Latino. I'm sorry I called you spicy. You're a wonderful people, and that was racist of me. Jordan, they're known for their samurai swords. That's true.

Thank you. No, stop. I apologize. I saw that I was wrong me. Jordan, they're known for their samurai swords. That's true. Thank you. No, stop. I apologize. I saw that I was wrong. We were, okay. Christmas, Christmas time is here. Allison, you usually are someone who does fun seasonal activities. Thank you.

What are your Xmas plans slash Chanukah plans? More of a statement of fact than a compliment, but there you go. Thank you. No, it was a compliment. You're like the, you are the funnest person I know. Thank you. That than a compliment, but there you go. Thank you. No, it was a compliment. You are the funnest person I know. Thank you. That's a compliment? That is a really kind compliment. I try to embrace life and

activities so I don't find myself crying alone on my couch too much. So that's how it manifests itself, is through fun stuff. My friend Darren and I, we are both from new jersey so every year we throw our annual very jersey christmas party which you've been to before right have i been to christmas party i think you have i don't know i don't know well it's a very specific theme

it's 1930s new jersey christmas gangster okay hey you know i think allison i think the i think the the rule with the very jersey christmas party if you remember it, you weren't there, baby. Bada bing, bada boom. Boom, boom, boom. Living on a prayer. I'm always really blown away by how much people commit to that. Yeah. People just get all done up and it's a lot of fun.

So that's like my own tradition with my friends. I also have family traditions. My parents, like I said earlier, are pretty religious. My mom every year, she has two nativity sets. One is under the tree and one was bought in Italy. Oh. My parents don't have a Jersey accent. That's where the Pope lives.

Right. They don't have a Jersey accent, but I like to do the impressions of them with a Jersey accent. So, yeah, this is from Italy. When we die, you'll probably inherit this. Just so you know, they're very expensive. These figurines were like $1,000 each.

We should explain that Allison's parents are the Situation and Snooki. Yeah, very much. Snooki. So you're not supposed to, if you've ever driven by a nativity scene or seen one, as my mother calls them, a creche. You're not supposed to piss on them. You're not supposed to piss on them, number one. But unless you really have to go.

But it's a representation of the baby Jesus and his pals. You're not supposed to piss on them, number one. But unless you really have to go. But it's a representation of the baby Jesus in his pouch. You're right. But you're not supposed to put the baby Jesus in until Christmas. Oh, okay. So if you drive by them, like the ones in front of churches now, there's no baby Jesus in there. There's a little devil baby in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they take him out.

They take her out. The devil's definitely a girl. They take her out. Yeah, well, because of her menstruation. Which I am very positive about. Thank you. And then they put the white, blue-eyed Jesus, which would make no sense historically. Thank you.

Well, it's a little more aesthetically pleasing. You have to admit. And every time – last year on Christmas, I got into a little bit of an argument with my mother in church, which was probably not good. But I was just – she's like, let's go up after Mass and look at the creche. And I was like, why are they all blonde hair and blue eyed? Like they lived in the Middle East. Like what? This is so racist.

Anyway, so my mom every year likes to put the baby – make a big show of putting the baby Jesus in the manger and then singing happy birthday. Oh, boy. And many more well not that many but you ascended to the right hand of the father so it's a pretty good deal for everyone you died for our sins and absolved us of our sins i would love it if and then after your mom sang happy birthday like five TGI Fridays employees came in and then sang a happy happy birthday

something something something Oreo madness. You are the king of the Jews. But yeah that's that's always fun. And then my mom makes rice pudding which is delish. She might not be the most progressive woman religion-wise, but she's the most progressive when it comes to rice pudding.

Oh, what's going in there? She's just real good at it. I don't know what she does, but it's real good. It's progressive. Like a cinnamon? Oh, she tops it with cinnamon and nutmeg, yeah. You gotta. Yeah.

Is there tapioca in there at all? No, it's just straight up milk and rice. You got to get a certain kind of rice. It's very finicky with that rice. Golden raisins. That sounds nice. I like a golden raisin. Underutilized, the golden raisin.

Underutilized. Can I tell you guys the truth? I don't like raisins. Oh, interesting. Golden or otherwise? Even, yeah, I don't know what the standard ones are called. Standard raisins. California rais called. Standard raisins? California raisins.

California raisins. You heard that through the grapevine, right? I did. That's right. Do you like grapes? Because I got a surprise for you when I answered this question. It's going to blow your mind, Jesse. Do you like grapes?

Yeah, I'm fine with grapes. Okay. No. I'm going to send you some articles later. Some links. Some jerky is dried out meat. That's fair. That's fair.

I don't like craisins. I don't want to. Yeah. Craisins can take a walk. Hold up. I kind of like craisins. I don't want to, yeah. Craisins can take a walk. Hold up. I kind of like craisins. Yeah? Yeah.

Do you like cranberries? Because I got some more ladies. Oh. I, so I've talked about this a couple times on the show. I have a kind of complicated relationship to the idea of the ugly sweater party. Okay. You know. On the one hand, you're no longer really into doing things ironically

on the other hand it's the only way you can get hard sure exactly yeah yeah but on the other hand it's a party god i'm gonna be so fucking hard at this concert no you know it seems it seems so like goobery to do it but on the other, I would like to be invited to one because I bet it's really fun. And I feel like I am not – I am failing as a fun guy in his 30s because I don't get invited to ugly sweater parties. I don't have a bar trivia team. Nobody has ever invited me to do an escape room. I am fucking this up. What about playing the board game Ticket to Ride? Yeah.

I'll do an escape room whenever you want. I did one and I found it lackluster and I think it was the specific one. I might not be into it when I actually got there. No, then no. Okay. That's why you're not getting invited. No, you're right. I've got a bad toot about it.

Because, you know, I like that shit. I like scavenger hunts and stuff. Yeah. What did you have to escape from? A room in West Hollywood. It just wasn't – It can be a little oppressive, the whole vibe. This one was very – it was so – and I do – like I don't do – I had never done an escape room before.

But like I said, I do scavenger hunts and like I get how those things work. And it was so – they had to give us so many clues that I was like, if you had to give us this many clues, then this was poorly written. Sure. Like it's just not intuitive enough. I did get invited to a We Sweater party. Really happy about it. Congrats? Well, just got the Facebook notice.

They're canceling the party because their neighborhood's going to be too clogged up for the Rogue One premiere. Fuck you, Rogue One. Whoa, those are fight words. I already have my tickets. I, for one, hate Star Wars stories. Yeah.

I see it as a sort of spiritual sequel to Ghost Dog Way of the Samurai. And I'm pretty excited about it. Forest Whitaker is the same character? Yeah.

It's in the Ghost Dogiverse? Yeah. If there's a scene where he's tending his flock of pigeons on a roof, we'll know. But do they live, like live on Hollywood Boulevard? Do they live above man's Chinese?

No, but I mean to cancel this party, that seems like a weird... It's not the Oscars. I feel like the Rogue One shit is blocking off a mile of street. Where are they doing it? Like in Hollywood? I think it was kind of central Hollywood. Maybe this thing would have been a pain in the ass to go to anyways. Good riddance. On the plus side, it's a nice excuse to go

to Muji. It is a nice excuse to go to Muji. And also, it kind of was a win-win for you because you still got the invite, which you admitted what you wanted. And then you didn't want to deal with it. Did you even get the sweater? No, I looked a little bit on Amazon. Right, but then you didn't have to put any money on it.

You kind of won. I did come out of this like a real guy who came out of something well. Hey, if you come out of something well, give us a call for our segment Momentous Occasions at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Hey, Brian, run that call, buddy. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and guests. This is Sylvia from Washington, D.C. My momentous occasion is that for four years I've been trying to get a job in a civil rights office in the federal government. Very exciting.

I finally got a job. Woo-hoo! That's actually not the moment's occasion. The moment's occasion is that while campaigning, the president-elect said he wanted to shut down my office. So, I might be the first person fired by him

before he even starts work. I'm not really sure. Anyway, thanks. Bye. I want to just say real quick, I'm an NPR journalist. Of course, as an NPR journalist, I have to abide by an ethics code. It has to do with things like political candidates, bias, and so on and so forth.

So I just want to say right up front, I honestly don't know who the president-elect is. And as a comedian, I can say anything that you are not allowed to say, such as, Sylvia, Trump is a vomit poop face, and he's an evil man. And I am so excited for you that you got a job doing something good for this world. And I am so sad that he might take that away from you. That is devastating. Jesse, do you have anything to say about that? Now, when you say Trump, who are you referring to?

Oh, have you seen Home Alone 2 Lost in New York? Yeah, sure. Who are the actors from that? Oh, the old man from the church. Oh, no, different guy. Yeah, he's got the birds. No, no, no, different guy. I think that New York. Yeah, sure. He's one of the actors from that. Oh, the old man from the church. Oh, no, different guy. Yeah, he's got the birds. No, no, no, different guy. I think that was an old woman, too. He's another guy.

I love that old man from the church with the birds. Yeah. Now, what does that old man have against civil rights? I know what it is. He wants to divert the funding to bird seeds. Right. I know what it is. He wants to divert the funding to birdseed.

Right. Well, I think here's I guess some good news for our caller who's, you know, whose job might might might go by the wayside because of the new president. But I think he's supporting a lot of other great industries that maybe you can get into. For instance, he's gay conversion. Gay conversion. Sure. Get some. You're, he's- Gay conversion. Gay conversion. Sure. Get some gays. You're not going to win me over.

Teach them about ladies, boobs, gines, all of that. I'm sure they're just going to hire so many camp counselors for all the gay conversion camps. Sure. And, you know, I think he's appointed both people who work for the WWE and Carl's Jr. So maybe look at getting into Carl's Jr. because that's going to be a growth industry. If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face. Let's take another call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. Calling with a momentous occasion, I guess. I am excited to report I am hopped up on painkillers currently because I just finished getting my penile prosthesis put in. I was born with something called venous leak, where the chambers of my penis don't hold blood the way they're supposed to, and so they can't really form an erection. So the doctors scrape out the old chambers and put in new silicone chambers

that attach to a pump in the scrotum where I can pump some saline into those chambers and have an erection for as long as I'd like. So, yeah, pretty excited about that. It's been a while coming, and now I plan on taking advantage of it in the weirdest possible circumstances, where I can put a few pumps in before holiday family dinners or hanging out at the public pool or potentially PTA meetings. or potentially PTA meetings. Yeah, so pretty excited to have this new bionic super penis and pretty excited to move on to the next chapter of my sexual life here. So just wanted to share.

Thanks for what you do. Keep doing it. I'm going to keep doing it too. All right. Bye-bye. That'm going to keep doing it, too. All right. Bye-bye. That call really took a turn for the braggy about two-thirds in. Yeah.

Well, anyway, welcome. I have so many questions. Yes. I won't be able to answer them. What's one? I know some of the answers. I read a wonderful book called Grunt that our friend and past guest Mary Roach wrote about the science of the military. And one of the chapters was about penis injuries, genital injuries. Right, right.

Because one of the things for soldiers who are deployed overseas in the 21st century is that body armor does not protect you effectively from upward explosions, upward-oriented explosions. And obviously a lot of IEDs, improvised explosive devices, are on the ground. So if you step on or activate an IED from below. Bye-bye ding-dong. Exactly. And so among other things, like many medical personnel will gather information about what you want to be done if it looks like you will no longer have it. Oh, okay.

But there are lots of reconstructive surgeries available. And among other things, they can actually make a really effective – for people who have literally lost their junk. Right. They can make a really effective prosthesis, and part of that prosthesis is one of these pumps. And the pump is like the least convenient part of it. You pump it up, but as he said, you get a super boner. And I wonder if that's what they do for transgender men who are transitioning. I wonder how they construct a penis.

I also wonder that. men who are transitioning. I wonder how they construct a penis. I also wonder that. But I just want to, I'm so curious about, and I'm sure I could just, this could be answered with a Google search, but I'm just curious about, first of all, thank you for sharing that. That was just a very personal thing. So thank you for sharing that.

A Google search that will haunt your Facebook advertisements forever. Not on Facebook. Ah, good. There we go. Ah! What do you guys want me to Google for you? I'm free. I just want to know like pre-pump, pre-silicon in what's the implants?

Were you like how was sex then? Were you still able to have sex just you wouldn't get hard? Like I want to know how that was working. I read an article about a man in I think it was Thailand who had this done recently. And I think this is rarer in Thailand or whatever country. I don't mean to interject, but Thailand is huge on sex reassignment therapy. OK, huge. So this is maybe they who got some sort of revolutionary bio bone and it made such headlines that he was just getting random requests for sex from women who wanted to try it out.

And the reporter asked him, oh, so have you taken anybody up on it? And he's like, no, I work really late. So I've been tired. Oh, what a nice man. He's a very nice man. But anyway. Yeah, because I would – that is fascinating though, the pump. Because in my head I was like, I guess I just have to make it hard all the time in case you ever need it hard.

Sure. I guess you can have it just perma hard and then maybe just you tape it to the leg every day while you're going out to the PTA meeting or whatever. You tape it to the leg every day while you're going out to the PTA meeting or whatever. Well, I think if we've learned anything from the history of sneakers, first you get the pump. Then you get Asics gel. Then you get, of course, LA Lights. And then you get the pump in retro. Yeah, then you get an ironic pump that comes back again. I recently purchased some pumps.

How are those? They're great. Because I do play women's basketball, and I was doing a search on Zappos for women's high-top basketball shoes, which, hey, Zappos, who I love, and it's mostly about the shoe manufacturers. You don't make any women's high-top shoes for basketball. You just don't. You make like two. So I ordered the pump and I was like, oh, I love the pump. Got it.

And then looked at the receipt and it said it's a dance shoe. So they really only had one high top sneaker for women to play basketball in. First of all, what is basketball but a ballet with a ball? Well said. I certainly find it to be very balletic. Sure. It is. I've often imagined what it would be like if swans played basketball.

Let's all think about that now. How's your vertical leap? Has it improved? It's not bad. Okay, cool. I got a good outside shot. Would you say Allison Becker got ups? Yeah, I think I'd say that.

Maybe not last year, but now I'd say it. We got those pumps. So now you got some ups. Yeah, exactly. God, if I had pumps, you know what I'd do? Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump. Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump. Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump. Just all day long.

Yeah, you do. I did for a couple days. I wish I had them on so you could do that right now. I want those Michael Chang pumps. Give me those tennis semi-star Michael Chang pumps. How about some pumps? It doesn't have to be in shoes. What about a pump shirt?

Oh, yeah. Pump undies? I got a lot of crevasses that need filling. My lumpy bod is not getting an appropriate fit. Tighten it up. I think the

elder, calling myself an elder, the elder version of pumps is like I have a lumbar support in my car that I can pump up and then release. Oh, I love that. I got that too. You just go... Yeah, sometimes I release it

just so that later I can treat myself with the support again. Because sometimes it's on and you're like, I want it and you're like, it's already on. I just want the difference. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm right there with you, Alison Becker. Yeah, it's good.

Right there with you. Jordan, you got a number of support in that Prius? No. You got to get on that. You can get the pillow. It's just a stool. I sit straight up. Really?

I got the A package. Oh, okay. You get the C package. It's an actual seat. Is the A package for stand-up comics only? Yeah, yeah. The stool and aup comics only? Yeah, yeah. A stool and a glass of water? Yeah, it's a glass of water.

And a notebook. Yeah, and every time I stop, it says, oh, what else is going on? 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Those are the ways to get in touch with us. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Alison Becker, great lady. And ready to mingle? Truth in advertising, folks. Yeah. She really is. That's why she's a beloved regular Jordan Jessico host. Hey, lion. I had to giggle after it. I don't know why.

No, no, that worked. Okay. Yeah. We'll get some more options on it, but I think that was a good first. Okay. How many times has Alison Becker been on Jordan Jessico? Half a dozen? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. Probably somewhere between five and eight. Always a pleasure. Yes. Always a genuine pleasure. Well, it is for us. I don't know about you. It is for me.

I could sit here all day and talk to you guys. Guys, quit pumping up my super famous hair. Also, I should say, just because you guys don't have a visual on the gentleman now, they are both looking extraordinarily dapper today. Cut it out. Cut it out. You're too kind. And like a flannel top. I don't even know what that is.

It just looks amazing. Jordan's also got on some like, they look like Italian leather shoes and like he's doing the V-neck over the... I'm going to say that's up to nice. A lot of people would say, what are you wearing, Jordan? Lambswool?

I'm going to say no, that's a merino. Yeah, he's got merino wool over a collared shirt. I actually borrowed this from Dan Merino. I fucked him last night. I didn't know that I was going to be sleeping over. I thought we were just going to get drinks. If I introduced you to my parents in that outfit, they'd be like, you should date him. Yeah.

No, this is my meet in the parents outfits. Yeah, it's a good meetin' the parents outfit. Yeah, colored shirt under sweater. It's no coincidence that later on tonight, he's going to watch meet the parents. I am going to watch meet the parents. Both of them. Yeah. Wasn't there two?

I think there's three. Meet the Fockers. Yeah. And then I think there's Baby Fockers. Oh, God. Which is like Muppet Babies. It's a cartoon Ben Stiller. Just getting into awkward situations.

Did Meet the Fockers have Barbara Streisand in it? Yeah. She was one of the mothers. His mother. She was his mother. Right? I don't know. I have not seen past the first parents.

I have not. Yeah, they were like super yoga-y. Oh. Ring. Ring, ring. I'm reenacting a scene here. Ring, ring. It's not a scene from the movie. It's a scene Oh. Ring. Ring, ring. I'm reenacting a scene here. Ring, ring. It's not a scene from the movie.

It's a scene from real life. Ring, ring. Hello, creative artist agency. Hi, this is legendary entertainer Barbara Streisand. I'm ready to break my silence. Can you get me the sequel to Meet the Parents? I think that is... I would like to skip right to that part of an acting career where you're like the beloved actor who gets stunt cast as the funny parent.

Yeah. I bet that's a fun, like low stakes. And it's also like, you made it this far. Yeah. We'll just pop you in this. Come by and have some crafty. Have a little crafty. Yeah, say come by, say hi.

Make a cool meal. Go home. Sure, you can be Have a little crafty. Yeah, say come by, say hi. Make a cool meal. Go home. Sure, you can be Monica's dad on Friends. Yeah. You want a hoodie? It says Friends on it. Yeah, you can be married to Jon Voight. Come over here and be married to Jon Voight.

He's scary. He's bad now. Maybe he was bad the whole time. Angelina Jolie's dad. Sure. A lot of people forget that. A lot of people forget that. Ah, not. Angelina Jolie's dad. Sure. A lot of people forget that. A lot of people forget that.

Ah, not just Angelina Jolie's dad. Angelina Jolie's estranged dad. Yes, estranged. Yes. Oh, I wonder what those family holidays were like. Probably super chill. Yeah. Yeah, super chill.

I mean, you got to figure you can get Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight in a room. But I, okay, I knew they were. Probably roll a J and watch the Twilight Zone marathon. Does anyone know why they're estranged? I don't know. I knew they were estranged. Yes,

because he's an insane monster and she's an insane non-monster. Remember when she wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck? Yes. And remember when she made out with her brother?

Does anybody remember that? Yes. This was a golden age of crazy Jolie. She made out with her brother does anybody remember that this was a golden age of crazy jolie made out with her brother yeah that's not okay yeah i blame voight you gotta blame voight yeah that was just to piss off dad like how what's the biggest way yeah sure yeah that's that's like worse than she was tattoo she was angry at the time about his performance in the movie varsity blue sure i never got over anaconda none of us said the country did angie we know you're listening sure we love you do we we're fine i got no problem with angelina jolie i just hope she's listening love seems strong she definitely is listening i honestly have no opinion of her what other hollywood

bombshells would you say listen to Jordan Jesse go? Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don't know that I would call her a bombshell, but she's certainly a lovely actress. Stone Cold Fox. How you doing, MG? Shout out to Gilles. Sure. Rosario Dawson. Oh, yes. Rosie Baby.

Call me. We gotta do lunch. I have a C, call me. We got to do lunch. I have a cuddlingus movie I want to pitch you. We have fun. Michelle Williams? I should hope so. If she knows what's good for her. She is so talented.

She is so talented. And I feel like she doesn't get the attention she deserves. Yeah, not listening to Jordan Jesse Govino, probably. Get on it, girl. Well, she's great in Manchester by the Sea. It's a small role, but she really knocks it out of the park. I've only seen the preview. It's great.

It's really good. My heart's broken. And I think yours is, too. Yeah. Is that what she says? She does say that. And it's broken. And I think yours is too. Yeah. Is that what she says? She does say that. And it's great. Oh, and of course, J-Law.

We all know J-Law. Oh, she's cool. She's so real. She's so cool. Just like me and my friends. J-Law, you want to come over and play Ticket to Ride? I don't know what Ticket to Ride is. What is that?

Is that a sex game? Well, I felt like I was talking about Settlers of Catan too much, and I don't really know anything about board games. Yeah, no, I think we need a new board game poll. But Ticket to Ride is like, that's like the Settlers of Catan of things that aren't Settlers of Catan. How do you play it? I don't know. It's about trains. Train.

Train. Train game. Oh, that sounds like a hoot. Sounds like a train game. Yeah. It is a sex thing, by the way. Don't you think, have you guys ridden a train lately? When was the last train that I rode?

I don't know. No, I haven't ridden a train lately. I think maybe the last train I rode was the train I rode ignominiously back from that Comic-Con that went so disastrously. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, I read a- Was it the ocean liner? Yeah.

I think I read... It's a delightful ride, isn't it? Right along the coast? It's fantastic. The sun was going down. I just really feel like Amtrak has not jumped on this, like, old-timey artisan trend that's happening. They can do that.

They should. I feel like if they hire me to be their, like, branding person, that I get, like... Yeah, God, if they... Because trains are, like, romantic and cool and sexy. If they got that guy, Waris, that's friends with,

uh, it's friends with Wes Anderson, the seat guy, a handsome seat guy. Right. I'd do anything for him. You know, Wes Anderson just shot an H and M commercial.

Yeah. On a train. Beautiful. On a train. On a train. Amtrak, jump on that shit. Sure.

Have little cakes. Oh. Cocktails in a jam jar. Rent out a train for a party, like a that shit. Sure. Have little cakes. Cocktails in a jam jar. Rent out a train for a party, like a car for a party. Take us to see Smash Mouth. What was it? What was it? What's the name of that Wes Anderson train movie?

The real one? Darjeeling Limited. Darjeeling Limited. Darjeeling, thank you, Limited. I just want to let the lady from that movie know. You'd fuck her. She's listening to Jordan Disico right now. You'd fuck her.

Jesus Christ. What a beautiful woman. Dear God. She is, yeah. Dear God. Is she in other movies? I mean, a simple internet search will surely not tell us. There's no way of knowing.

At the end of the day, there's no way of knowing. But Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, she's a stunner. Yeah. That's all I got. Me too. Christ. Yeah, she's a stunner. Yeah. That's all I got. Me too. I mean, Owen Wilson's real handsome too. Everybody looks good in that.

Adrian Brody. Sure. Jason Schwartzman. Others. The whole Anderson repertory crew. They look great. Looking good. He makes them look great.

He does. He lights them. He costumes them. Can I tell you something? Symmetry. He costumes them. Can I tell you something? Straight on. Symmetry. Yeah. Font.

Can I tell you something about meeting celebrities? Colors and fonts. Yes. That you were a little intimidated to meet. I was a little worried to meet Jason Schwartzman. Why? Because you enjoy his work? Because I do.

I love his work. I love his work. A Board to Death is one of my favorite TV shows ever. Rushmore, maybe my favorite movie ever. Like, just, I love. And also, isn't he the drummer on the OC theme song? California. That's primarily what you like him for, right?

His work in Phantom Planet. Yeah, as the drummer of Phantom Planet. I just like to remind people of things that they forget about. He's the drummer on that song. That's a fun fact. I was in Austin, Texas, and he was in Austin, Texas. I don't remember why that worked out. All of your stuff happens in Austin, Texas.

I know. It's a good place to get a story for a podcast. Yeah. Or some queso. Or some queso. Or some pho. And he and I were sext texting. No, I was nervous.

I was genuinely nervous to meet him. I don't know. Rushmore is one of those things. Rushmore I saw when I was nervous. I was genuinely nervous to meet him. And I don't know. Like, you know, Rushmore is one of those things. Like Rushmore I saw when I was 18 years old. It was like, you know, I don't need to explain to you. Yeah. When you see your first Wes Anderson movie, it's either like life changing or like. As a teenager. Allison has a dog named Dignan.

Yeah. So I think she gets it. I get it. There you go. I mean. You still have that dog? That dog's not dead, right? No, that dog's not dead. He's very much alive. To be fair, better name, it. I get it. There you go. I mean. You still have that dog. That dog's not dead, right? No, that dog's not dead.

He's very much alive. To be fair, better name, Mr. Little Jeans. But I'll take Dignan. But anyway, I was terrified to meet him. And when I did meet him, I have to say he was so lovely that it was almost upsetting or a disappointment. Because. Like boring. lovely that it was almost upsetting or a disappointment because like boring like I felt like he and I had connected so

he was so pleasant and so kind and I think it's just his affect you know like I think he's just one of those people that like Bill Clinton you know they always say he just looks into your eyes and you feel like he's on your side you know I felt that way about him but I knew I'm not going to be friends with Jason Schwartzman. It was like all I wanted in the world as I was talking to him.

I was like, Jesus Christ. We are not going to hang out after this. This guy is so fucking nice. I would love to. Yeah, that's not. No, we're like talking about our families and where we live in Los Angeles. I'm like, yeah. Have you thought about...

But you didn't want to take it to like, so you want to get a beer? Like you just didn't want to like take it to that level? Have you thought about becoming the bass player for Phantom Planet? Yeah, maybe. That's a good point. Although I think he got kicked out of Phantom Planet. Do you think he still gets the sweet, sweet residues from that? Oh, yeah.

That's what I call residuals. Every time somebody streams. I call them, yeah, Residu's. I think every time somebody streams the OC on Netflix, he gets a... Another fun fact. Yeah. Did you know there's a bar in the Valley called Residu's? And if you have a Residu's check that's under a dollar...

I've been, and it's a blast. I have them in my car in case I go to that bar. That's great. And once a year, I have them in my car in case I go to that bar. That's great. Once a year, I get a fucking envelope full of ones. That's an L.A. thing that I've wanted to do. So next time you go, let me know. Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely.

It's a lot of fun. Yeah, because if you are an actor, America, you often get checks in the mail. And a lot of times they are under a dollar. Yeah. Under a dollar. I have a lot of one-cent ones. Yeah, the one-cent ones are, like, comical because they mailed it in an dollar. Yeah. Under a dollar. I have a lot of one-cent ones. Yeah, the one-cent ones are, like, comical because they mailed it in an envelope. Sure.

That costs money with a stamp that costs money. I mean, the check costs more than one cent. Yeah. And they'll mail you, sometimes you'll get them from the same job and it'll be, like, one cent, one cent in separate envelopes and you're like, guys, get it together. I will get a manila envelope full of them, so that's a little bit more efficient. But yeah, you take them down to Residuals, get yourself a beer. I'll do that. It's a lot of them. So that's a little bit more efficient. But yeah, you take them down to residuals, get yourself a beer. I'll do that.

It's a lot of fun. Jesse, you have a concern. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Maximumfun.reddit.com is a fun place to talk about how much you resent our local Los Angeles references. Maximum Fun on Facebook. Search for that join up in that group

like Jordan Jesse Go on Twitter Allison Becker you're on Twitter right? I'm on Twitter at the Allison Becker Allison only has one L because I'm weird

no it's because you're cool because I'm cool because you're the Allison Becker yeah same on Instagram at the Allison Becker not on Facebook though Jordan is

at Jordan underscore Morris. I am at Jesse Thorne. I forgot to talk about how somebody on Reddit thought that I might be the same person as Brandon Routh. Who's that? Star of Superman. Bad Superman. One of the bad Superman. I'll take it.

Yeah. Sure. That's a good one. Because while he is not famous for having been good in that Superman movie, he meets my standard, which is they have to be famous for being handsome. Absolutely. And maybe you could get some of his sweet, sweet resigies. Gotta get those resigies. Gotta get those resig.

He's good in the Maria Bamford show. He played one of the love interests. He was good on the Maria Bamford show. Nice comic turn. Ralph can say a joke. And you know what? I thought he was really good as Caroline's dad on Caroline in the City. Thinking of John Boyd.

Oh, God, sorry. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D, is our producer, laughing sometimes audibly outside the studio. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Goff.