Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 459: Ham Zoo with Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Comedian and writer Eliza Skinner joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's berry consumption habits, Jesse's offer to perform at President Elect Trump's inauguration and Eliza's experience��opening for Louis CK in large arena venues.  Plus, Jordan wants people to send him videos of seals who sound like men. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. How are you, friend? Doing okay. I'm enjoying this drizzly weather we have outside. Yeah.

I had a plastic baggie filled with blackberries in the car. I ate them on the way here. I'm sorry, a plastic baggie filled with blackberries? A sandwich baggie. All right, I see what you're saying. What's blowing your mind about that? You transfer them to a new, you purchase them in a clamshell. Yeah, in a car show. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you transfer them to a baggie. Yeah, I'm not about to bring that whole package. I say just bring it. Live that life. Yeah, but then if I, listen, I'm not about to eat a whole deal of blackberries in the car. You called it a clamshell. I guess I don't even know what that little plastic package is called.

That's a clamshell. Clamshell. Interesting. I'll call it that from now on. So if I eat an entire clamshell of blackberries in the car, I'm going to have some weird poops. Right. So. What if it's one of those half clamshells?

The shallow ones that are designed to look like you're getting. Our guest is gesturing. I would like her to weigh in on my bowels. Should we introduce them now? Yeah. And then talk about this issue. Our guest, beloved stand-up comic. She's a podcaster.

According to her sweatshirt, she must work on the Late Late Show. That was our Christmas present. Longtime friend of ours, Eliza Skinner. Yay, me! Hi, Eliza. Hi, Jesse. I want to ask you real quick about Christmas presents. Uh-huh. I own MaximumFun.org. Sure. I want to ask you real quick about Christmas presents.

I own MaximumFun.org. Sure. And I love it. Look at you. Touch you. I love it when people go to MaxFunStore.com and grab all the latest MaximumFun.org merchandise. Sure, yeah. If there's something up there, grab it. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable wearing MaximumFun.org merchandise. Sure, yeah. If there's something up there, grab it. I'm not sure I would feel comfortable wearing MaximumFun.org merchandise.

What if you, well, see, you're a very particular case. You got a lot of thoughts on what you wear. I'm a bit persnickety. So, but I will say, if, say, you were at your office and it was a regular day, but then it became a dreary day where it was rainy and cold. You may put on a maximum fun thingamadoo. Truth be told. Okay. And I'm going to drop some real talk right now.

Okay. So hashtag it, Twitter users. In my desk drawer. Okay. I don't have a hooded... This is a handsome hooded sweatshirt, incidentally. Thanks. It looks like a pretty soft and beefy one.

That's a quality product. Yeah, it's soft. I mean, you know, it'll be destroyed once I wash it once. These hoodies. Yeah. These hoodies. Once that raccoon gets a hold of it. Oh, well, that's why I shouldn't send my laundry out to raccoons.

It's the same thing. Hoodies and gremlins. Yeah. You can't get them wet. Mm-hmm. and gremlins. You can't get them wet. In my desk drawer right now, I have a Columbia brand polar fleece that was a promotional gift from the television program Portlandia.

There you go. It's got a little bird on it. There you go. You know, and I think that's the ideal crew gift or piece of swag is something that, you know, like, I mean certainly you're not going to wear your swag you know somewhere of consequence.

Well, do you want to see do you want me to make it a lot worse? Oh boy. She's unzipping. This is going to be personal for you Jordan. Oh boy. Eliza Skinner, it's getting better, not worse. Oh shit. She's wearingzipping. This is going to be personal for you, Jordan. Oh, boy. Eliza Skinner, it's getting better, not worse.

Oh, shit. She's wearing her at midnight crew gift. Wow. I am moving. Double swag. I am. And actually, this morning when I was getting dressed, I'm moving. So I'm packing all this stuff up.

So I'm like, oh, what T-shirts have I not packed? And I did consider a maximum fun tee. But I was like, come on now. That's too on the nose. And I didn't even think about the fact that you work here when I put this on. And I was like, oof, still on the nose. You know, I will say my – the great shame of my life. One of my top five shames.

Amongst your many shames. Amongst my many shames, an impressive bloom in my garden of shame. What a beautiful way to think of it. Yeah, right. Yes. The secret is to prune the lesser shames. And you got to talk to the shames, too. They're living things.

Shame loves music. Classical music. Classical music. So, yes, my most impressive shame blossom is that for a couple years in my underwear rotation was a pair of underwear that was branded from the movie Walk Hard. What? Yeah. Oh, wow. That was at the height of my rotating swag into my actual wardrobe. That's one of those things that when you realize you are allowed to throw it out, it's like a door opened in your mind that you didn't know you had that room.

For a time, Jordan, when you were working on Fuel TV, you were doing a lot of work at Film Junkets. And I feel like it was sort of like in the Pee Wee Herman holiday special where he's building an addition to his house out of the fruitcakes that he gets as gifts. Yeah, yeah. Oh, those beefcake gay guys that are almost naked

are building an addition to his house out of the – I think that you are in – could have been in a similar position with the sheer volume of free crap that you were getting from the premiere of Surf's Up 2. Yeah, definitely not in addition to my house, but I certainly could have made a tent or nest. Right. Well, especially when you're starting out, you feel like you got to take that stuff. Yeah, exactly. I mean, there's a key ring. I got a tent.

What, am I going to buy a key ring? I'm not made of money. Yeah, and I think when you get your first couple of showbiz jobs, you know, almost inevitably, unless you were like a finance guy who quit or whatever, you went from being very poor to being paid an amount of money. So, yeah, like definitely those first couple accesses to swag you get are, yeah, you behave like a vulture. On top of a paycheck, I get a free travel mom? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's a little bit like in the Werner Herzog movie, Little Dieter Needs to Fly. Oh, sure. That's what we were all thinking. Where Dieter has spent a year in his 20s having been a prisoner of war in Laos, being starved to death. And even in his adulthood, living in a beautiful home on Mount Tamalpais, he lifts up his floor and shows the 600 pounds of food that he needs to have there in order to sleep at night. Only with, you know, T-shirts for surf's up too. Right. And I do think that swag has gotten more tasteful,

you know, in recent years. You know, I think if you weren't looking real close to that logo, you would think that was just a cool Fairfax boutique called Late Late. Yeah, yeah. And it doesn't have like Corden's face on it anywhere. Right, yeah. God, I hate looking at his fucking face.

Though I do have a... That's what you meant, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been on my back. I do have a... This morning, I was wearing an Adam Ruins Everything sweatshirt with a picture of him on my back. Yeah, I really got a lot of this stuff. I should prune. I should really roll it back.

I feel like one of my most important movies living in – one of my most important moments living in Los Angeles was being in a Goodwill, finding a promotional baseball cap for Andy Richter Controls the Universe, and then deciding not to buy it. Wow. Because I didn't need it. That is very adult. I don't need it. I love Andy Richter.

I love Andy Richter Controls the Universe, but I don't need an Andy Richter Controls the Universe hat. No, no. It's true. As I said, I'm moving, and so I'm really trying to prune and have it be an opportunity to just get rid of a whole bunch of stuff. Is the move because of anything? Are you? No, which is awful. I don't know why I'm doing it. It's a horrible prison I've trapped myself in. You're like, I should do one of the worst things

for no good reason. That's what I did. Is your new place nicer? Yeah, my new place is nicer. And I've disliked my apartment for a long time. Okay. It's one of those places where the windows look out onto, into other people's apartments. Yeah. And a, or a parking lot full of like angry birds. And not the game. Actual birds.

Oh man. Very angry with each other. I was going to ask if I could come over before you moved. Throw some pigs around. Seriously, I'm addicted. You in America. I am addicted. When's the next movie coming out?

Not soon enough. Have you guys checked out Tetris? What? Tell me about it. I've never heard of it. Is it like bejeweled? You know, Eliza, you don't want to get involved in this mess. It promotes communism. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, well, it's fair. Ooh. Yeah.

Well, it's a dark time for that. But moving is a time to condo. Moving is when you lift the items and decide whether they give you joy. Yes, that's what I've been doing. But also, once you start rolling with that, you don't even need to do it in some cases. You open up a drawer and you're like, oh, this is all garbage. This is all, why have I kept this underwear so long? It's basically not even underwear anymore.

It's like waistbands and ankles. Well, to remember your fond memories of the movie Walk Hard, I think. Yeah, exactly. It's like one sock with a hole in it. I'm never going to find the other sock or sew this up. Just get rid of these socks. Yeah, but if you take that, if you pull that sock out of that drawer, you'll think, remember those two parts of Walk Hard that were funny? They were really funny parts.

Then they'll be bringing me joy and I'll have to keep it. Yeah. It's all hard. This one sock out of two will remind me of the four minutes out of 90 that were funny in Walk Hard. Oh, God. That was John C. Reilly, right? Yeah. Remember when he was a good actor?

Yeah. Yeah. He definitely went from prestige guy to Will Reilly, right? Yeah. Remember when he was a good actor? Yeah. Yeah. He definitely went from prestige guy to Will Ferrell's buddy. Yeah. Very fast. But you know what? If you had the chance to be Will Ferrell's buddy. Yes.

I know. In a second. And also he's great at it. Totally. To his credit. He's very good at being Will Ferrell's buddy. He's good at both. I recommended him.

Somebody was looking for recommendations of like tough actors the other day. And I was like, I did a long list. And then I was like, or maybe John C. Reilly. And they were like other day. And I was like, I did a long list. And then I was like, or maybe John C. Reilly. And they were like, what? And I was like, no, no, no. Remember? Remember? He's a great actor.

Yeah. He did True West off-Broadway with Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yeah. Not an entirely serious movie, but he was very good in The Lobster this year. That was a little bit more, you know, a little closer to Boogie Nights than it is to Step Brothers. Sure did like that movie. Yeah, yeah. This year, that was a little bit more, you know, a little closer to Boogie Nights than it is to Step Brothers. Sure did like that movie. Yeah, yeah.

I watched that on a plane and I watched the whole movie and then realized the plane hadn't taken off yet. We were. Did the movie do that? Yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah. Colin Farrell.

Manifested. Looked into the down the barrel of the camera and says, Jordan, see if the plane's taking off yet. Well, we should explain that The Lobster is a movie that takes place in an alternate reality where when you die, you come back as an animal and planes can't take off. Yeah. Uh-huh. So everybody was very mad that I chose that movie. Yeah, I bet. They're probably like, you know, you could have watched Moana.

That wouldn't have happened. It's Moana. That's what it would have been. That's how white moms watched Moana. That wouldn't have happened. It's Moana. That's what it would have been. That's how white moms say Moana. Moana. Oh, you know, Juliet loves Moana. She loves the Moana. Have you taken your kids?

I've probably said this on the podcast before, but one of my best friends growing up, his mom called it Nightendo. You guys going to go play Nightendo? And we were. With the power glove. Did you get the power glove? No. Did you get the little square where you walked around on it? Was that a power pad? Oh, power pad.

Power pad. I didn't have any power accessories. I did have Rob the Video Robot. That was the little bit of Nintendo. That's like obscure. Yeah, yeah. Not many people have that. It was very bad. He was known for his dangerous's like obscure. Yeah, yeah. Not many people have that. It was very bad.

He was known for his dangerous heat. Yes. And blazing. Creating hot spinning metal discs that help you play Gyromite worse. I remember thinking I was so good at Duck Hunt. Like going to my friend's house and playing Duck Hunt and being like, oh my god, I am gifted. I am like remarkably good at this game. Maybe I should become a killer.

Yeah. And then realizing it's just a very simple game. You know, that's when I realized that I was funny is when that dog laughed at me. I'm like, maybe this is part of who I am. Can I talk about my strategy transferring the blackberries from the clamshell? Sounds weird. I wanted to say, you said you put them in a sandwich baggie. I'm going to say, as soon as you put those blackberries on it,

that's a blackberry baggie. That's not a sandwich baggie at all. No, you're right. I just wanted to be descriptive about what size baggie I was using because I didn't want anyone to get confused. Is it still a blackberry baggie if it has little green marijuana leaves printed on it? Well, it depends. Are there blackberries in it?

Yeah. That's a nugsack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. That's a nugsack. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. And those nugs are dank. Yeah, they are really dank. Are they dank berries? Yeah, these were medium black. I really like blackberries. If I'm snacking on a berry,

hard to beat black. Really? I've never gone back. They do say the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Yeah, I think, yes. Jordan, I think this is interesting because I think that blackberries- Thick-shaved blackberries. Jesus. Oh, boy.

If you wander, if you're wandering, if you're wandering in the countryside- If you're wandering in the countryside- Pulling fat, juicy bee berries. Pulling fat, juicy bee berries. From spiny bushes. A tumbleweed. Then I'm 100% with you.

Walk hard. That's the best berry there is. I think it's probably even better than a strawberry, your classic best berry, okay? But I don't think that there are many other grocery store fruit items that have a wider variance in quality than a blackberry. A not quite fresh blackberry is garbage. And like two hours after it's ripe, it's also garbage. Yes.

Very small window. But isn't that kind of the delicate beauty of life? Well, it's also garbage. Yes. Very small window. But isn't that kind of the delicate beauty of life? Well, Jordan likes to write the edge. I like them for the snacking but also the metaphor. I also like to think about how fragile this all is. They have the worst seeds though. I mean you don't notice strawberry seeds, raspberry seeds. Who knows?

Blackberry seeds though. That's a real fuck you. I realize this is maybe something a little bit gross about me, but I love the sensation of getting something out of the tooth that's stuck there. I like that you like it because it's something we all go through and you've embraced it. Yeah, when you can really get that seed out. If you've been nom-nomin on it all day. Man, if you can figure out how to love getting seeds out of your teeth, you're figuring out life. I lead a simple life. No, I mean,

you've jujitsu-ed the negative energy of the world. That was actually an entire Deepak Chopra book. Was it? You just opened it up. It was 250 pages long.

They're all blank except the last one which says, enjoy getting those seeds out of your teeth. That's why all my meals are blackberries and pulled pork

so I can spend the whole next day. Working that meal for days. So why are you transferring them into the bag for road use? Yeah, for road use. Because I'm not going to eat the whole clamshell. Yeah, I think that. I understand that. But you know about those half clamshells, right?

Yeah, I don't. I think even. Now, I have eaten a half clamshell of blackberries before because as I've mentioned before. Yeah. I love them. Sure. And I feel like even that creates a urgent loose poop that I'm not nuts about.

Yeah. All those seeds. Yeah. Man I went crazy on some figs one night and I was like there's never going to be a downside on this. They were fresh figs. I was like I can't stop myself. This is only going to be good for me. The next day was a nightmare. That's what happens when you go fig wild. I did.

I did. I was like a fig and shit. The thing is if you have children, which I imagine one day you may have children. Jordan, you'll be a wonderful father. Sure. I could have lazy sperm. I don't know. Does that mean you have children, which I imagine one day you may have children. Jordan, you'd be a wonderful father. Sure. I could have lazy sperm. I don't know.

Yeah. Hard to say. Does that mean you'd have lazy children? Yes, exactly. Lazy sperm just as a, yeah. If you one day have children. I can't get my sperm to get a job. Still living in your basement.

Typical millennial sperm. You'll learn that you face, you come to this crossroads, which is. Always on the Snapchat. You're going to be taking care of the sperm for years. Looking for a job, I know. Sorry, Jesse. Sperm, what a participation trophy. Yeah, geez.

When you come to this crossroads in your life, basically, where your children won't eat anything. And so your choices are either to cook two entire sets of food or just give up and eat the thing that your children are eating. Now, usually the thing that your children need eating is boxed macaroni and cheese, which is not my favorite. I mean, it's salt butter. It's not the worst thing to eat in the world taste-wise, but I'd rather not eat that. But the one thing that my kids will eat, it's berries. And so berries are expensive. They're not always in season.

There's all kind of problems with the only food my children eating being berries. But they are also like a natural food that is moderately healthy. And so I have just decided my wife and I have full permission to buy as many berries as we need to to get through the week. Like if our children just want to eat some berries, they can just eat some berries. And part of that is giving myself permission to just eat some berries. And if we run out of berries, just go buy some more berries. And part of that is giving myself permission to just eat some berries. And if we run out of berries, just go buy some more berries. By the case, so many berries

in my house. It's the same thing as realizing you can just throw away those rock hard underpants. But also, if they're rock hard underpants, throw those away too. But yeah, and we haven't even touched on blueberries. Also a good berry. People don't, no one goes crazy about it. No one's like, ooh, blueberry.

Well, they are superfood. They're amazing. They're superfood. They're tasty. Unless they're mushy. That's true. I think blueberries, you know, regardless of season and ripeness, have the best chance of being good. It's a reliable berry.

It's a reliable berry. That's very fair. We need more reliable berries in this confusing world. I know. That's something like a racist relative when he's talking about

someone being one of the good ones. They're a real reliable berry. Out there, working. What about razzle-dazzle berries as I call them? Those are even more delicate than blackberries.

That's a raspberry. They, I mean, if you look at a raspberry the wrong way, it's like, ow, I can't. It just falls apart. I was out of the box for one minute

and I'm moldy now. I'm just not confident. I can't keep the mold off me. I had some golden raspberries the other day. That was a treat. I'm like, this is a risky purchase. Are those not... They're still raspberries? I thought those were... No, a golden raspberry is a raspberry.

There's another berry that looks like a golden raspberry. It literally looks like a golden raspberry. It's a little stickier than a raspberry. There's more sticks in there. You know what I'm talking about, sticks? Like where a blackberry has seeds, it's got little sticks. This sounds like you had a nightmare about berries. Gooseberries?

Oh, yeah. I think it might be gooseberries. My friend growing up had a tree in her yard that had those on it. And as a chubby child, when you find a play area that's also food, you are amazed. Sure. So I'd always be like, yeah, let's play in your backyard. We can eat it. Let's go to the ham zoo.

Yeah, exactly. The zoo where there's also loose ham around okay we'll be back in just a second jordan jesse go we gotta get to the ham zoo real quick La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm Hal Loveland. I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion.

Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, yeah. Dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast. Dice and Bites. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eliza Skinner, the whisper of the wilderness. I would like to take this opportunity to make a public statement. Please. Well, two public statements. Okay. You're pushing it. The first is directed towards our president-elect, Donald Trump.

Donald J. Trump. As I understand it, you know, they're putting together his inauguration festivities. Yeah. And so far, all they found who are willing to perform there is a lady from America's Got Talent. She's got quite a career. Now there was a hot second, and I feel like this got buried. You know.

Berries. We were talking about berries earlier in the show. This is fun. It got buried, you know, in the news because of the horrors. You know, the horrors. Sure, sure.

But there was a hot second where Vince Neil from Poison Motley Crue, Motley Crue, was going to sing at the inauguration. Did he just decide that? No. So he got the invitation and this was pre-election And then Trump won and they disinvited him. Another campaign promise. I know. Right. Exactly. Where's that wall? Where's where's Vince Neal's on that acoustic version of girls, girls, girls, which is actually the first dance at his wedding. Girls, girls, girls. I think that's a really sweet Trump's wedding. Trump's wedding. Yeah. Yeah. Trump's wedding? Trump's wedding, yeah.

Yeah. Is it Jenna Ivanko? Something Ivanko. I remember because her last name sounds so much like Ivanka. It spooks me. But anyways, I think that was a not remarked upon enough funny thing that was happening for a while. Anyways, sorry. So who is it? It's somebody from America's-

So far, it's somebody from America's Got Talent. Ivanko. She's got three PBS specials. Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. So it's a real high-pitched voice. So she's like a female Mark Russell then. Ivanko. She's got three PBS specials. Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. She has a real high-pitched voice. So she's like a female Mark Russell.

Sure. Yeah. She came in second on America's Got Talent, which is like, I guess it's sort of like if you came in second in the popular vote of a country. They still need somebody to sing the national anthem, but I heard they're really close to getting Terry Fatore. Oh, boy. Celebrity ventriloquist.

Las Vegas ventriloquist. If they can't get him, I've heard they're going to get Peanut, but not Jeff Dunham. It's going to be just Peanut. He's the worst one. Actually, is he the worst one? They're all the worst ones. Of the Dunhams? Yeah.

We're splitting hairs if we're deciding who the worst ones. perfectly qualified to do this because obviously many people in the arts and entertainment lean leftward many of those people were offended or bothered by donald trump but of course i am neutral and so i am not bothered by donald trump i am willing to perform at the trump inauguration however they should know i will not do patriotic songs okay Okay. I will not do inspirational songs. This is what I'm willing to do. A live in concert version of the Music Man. I don't want to

learn. no edits. Just, well, I would be Harold Hill, so it would just be the Harold Hill

songs. Okay. But I'm talking about 76 trombones. I'm talking about Trouble in River City. I'm talking about Marion the Librarian.

Okay. If Trump wants to bring in some people to sing ida rose that's fine that's his call okay but i'm doing it like a les mis in concert situation i'm not going to be doing a fully staged production okay i'll wear some stuff that suggests the costume okay well i'll change my hat i I'll do a little something, okay? You're a showman. I am nothing if not a showman, Eliza.

Yeah. I'll sell it, okay? But I'm not going to... You know, it's not like a throw pennies at my feet and I'll dance thing, okay? This is about me and what I care about, okay? And what I care about is having an opportunity to sing the songs from the Music Man to a huge and appreciative crowd. I mean, these people are going to love this.

I'm going to be—do you remember how excited everyone was about Maya Angelou in 1992? That's going to be me. I feel like the only issue with that is with a spectacle like that, even if you're making tasteful choices, toning it down. Boners. Yeah. It almost distracts from the inauguration. Because of the sexual component. Yeah.

And I feel like that's something that threatens Mr. Trump a little. Were it another president, were it Ford, maybe? Yeah. Carter, Ford? Sure. Maybe. Yeah. Carter, definitely. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, they would step aside

and be like, please. Sure. The people deserve this. Have a bit of my spotlight. Yeah. Because it's not just for me, it's for the American people. Are you calling our president-elect

a diva who can't share the stage? No, but I can. Do you want me to? Our president-elect is a diva who can't share the stage? No, but I can. Do you want me to? Our president-elect is a diva who can't share the spotlight or the stage. Eliza? Yeah? I'm not blocking his shine. I'm providing my own.

I know that. You know that. Yeah. But people like that don't always know that. When people hear Pick a Little, Talk a Except... Which I won't be singing. Trump will be providing someone to sing that. That's not a Harold Hill song. Yeah, no.

This is sung by a group of henpecking ladies. Okay. I feel like by the time this gets on its feet, you're going to be singing that song too. I'm willing to. Okay. Do you think we can sweeten the deal if I'll accompany you and sing the parts of Rent

I remember from high school? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great opportunity. Wait, was this from a production in high school? Like, would this be a specific track? No, it was from a cast CD. Or this is just from you appreciating it in high school? Yeah, yeah.

So we went to see... I had a cast recording, and we went to see it at the... Because that's a very different experience. If you do a show, in high school or otherwise, you'll learn your track, which very often has bizarre harmony parts of songs that you are not singing the lead in. And you sound like a real weirdo.

Wait, that I'm not doing what? That you don't sing the lead in. No, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Jordan. Oh. Yeah. I'll probably be singing a lower. If you're going to write the check, you want me to sing the lead.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll probably just be out there by myself going, 525,600 minutes. Exactly. There we go. Yeah. How do you measure, measure a year? And then you wait. Hold, hold.

Love. Love. Love. I would listen to a podcast of this. One part of a musical. Yep. Do you want to know this, Eliza? What can you provide? I know a specific chorus track from Lil Abner. Okay.

Why it was jubilation tea, jubilation tea, Pone unshaven and jubilation tea, corn pone, He kept us hiding out. I think it's going to be one hell of an inauguration. Yeah, I mean, you've really just basically summarized the whole proposal, the whole package of policies that's going to make America great again. Yeah.

I feel like it spells a lot of things out. I don't want to, you know, take words out of his mouth. Yeah. But, you know, it's about reassuring people that, no, this isn't disastrous. The whole world doesn't hate us. You know, they just hate us. They don't hate us. Right.

It's just like a hey like a like oh i hate them yeah i'm not like i hate them do you think you get the real little abner to come the real one from the newspaper yeah probably yeah yeah probably i mean what's he doing these days right i know that he? Yeah. I know that he asked Beetle Bailey and Beetle Bailey declined. And I heard that Andy Kapp said yes and then just no one can get in touch

with him. Oh, wow. It wasn't a bad way. Oh, wow. Exhaustion. Yeah. Classic Hollywood. Dehydration.

Exhaustion. Can I tell you what? I heard that they're in No. They're in negotiations with the Lockhorns, but it's a real fight. Oh, God, I bet. It always is. To knock down Drac Hound.

What should you have a second pronouncement? Don't remember what it is. Okay. This whole time that I've been conversing the last five minutes or so, I was like, what the fuck was that second announcement? Was it about berries or... Well, listen. You can think of it. I have a question for Eliza. Okay.

You mentioned before we started gabbing on Mike that you... Who's Mike? He's a nice man. I'm ready to gab about him. I like Mike. Very handsome. He's a doctor. Oh, my God. You were saying that you recently did, like, arena comedy shows.

Oh, yeah. Tell us about why you did it and what that is like. I just wanted to challenge myself. So you booked Shea Stadium. You should know, Jordan, just for context and for our audience as well, you know, eliza usually like to perform in more intimate rooms for artistic reasons sure yeah yeah it's a choice but you know she's going through a painful divorce right now and she's going to need to play some alimony yeah exactly so she had to cash she had to cash a few checks you know and if our artistic credibility is the price to pay so be it it's it's true. It's true. Yeah, I was opening for Louis C.K.

And he can sell a ticket. I opened for him in Vancouver and Seattle. And the Vancouver shows were like almost 6,000 people. Oh, boy. Seattle was like almost 5,000 one night. And then an intimate venue of 2,000. Oh, that's nice. You can really pick everybody out of the crowd.

Yeah, exactly. Do some specific crowd work. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, did I. I learned everyone's name. Right. Yeah.

It was really weird. Hey, back row, what are you? Some kind of faceless mass? And then, like, there was, like, a cloud, like, a swarm of bees above them, which was where the laughter would be. Okay. It wasn't like it came from faces or humans. Right.

So you just had to play to the bees. Got to play to those bumblers. Got it. Sure. Yeah. I mean, they're making the honey. Am I right? You got it.

And that's what it's all about. How much honey are you taking home? You don't got honey unless you got bumblers, baby. Got to put that honey in the pocket. It's gross that way. Sure. Yeah. And the first two shows, they had the camera and then they put you up in the, they had

screens with close-ups for people who were far away. So it was like I was like Beyonce or Joel Osteen. Or Beyonce in conversation with Joel Osteen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Each night I'd be like, I'm going to be like Beyonce and then go out there and be like,

that was kind of more like Joel Osteen. But it's not that bad. I really Dr. Phil'd it tonight. You're the like Joel Osteen. But that's not that bad. I really doctor filled it tonight. You're the perfect medium between the two. Oh, my God. Thank you. You sit comfortably in the middle. Thank you.

No problem. Because you know what? I think you can do it. No. I think you can. And then I do a crazy dance. Yeah. Well, off to Red Lobster, everyone.

Yes. So did you? Okay. I'm curious. I only get to go to Long John Silver's. Oh, it sounds like you're not doing something right. Did you like do anything special? Like do you get your hair done to perform for 6,000 people?

I did one night. I got my hair done one night because also I've been lightening my hair. It's later now, which is – it's harder to deal with, especially on the road. I'm not going to take all my tools and things well you had potions and serums i recently saw a picture of you on facebook in a like right now you're wearing a toque yeah because it's cold outside but i saw you with like a full on television haircut in a photograph like a full taylor swift music video hairstyle yeah well that's the thing with this kind of hair hair, it's that or it's garbage. Right.

So I did one night go and get my hair done, but I got a blowout. Ah. But the guy doing it really took his time, and finally by the end was like, I got to go. This has to be done. And he was like, oh, I'm sorry. And did it real fast. That's how they do it in Vancouver. The old Vancouver blowout.

Yeah. That's so dirty. I got a Vancouver wax, how they do it in Vancouver. The old Vancouver blowout. Yeah. That's so dirty. I got a Vancouver wax and they added pubic hair. That's where they glued pubic hair to my asshole. Yeah, Canadians. I just get my hair set once a week. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you got to sit under that dryer.

Yeah. Yeah, and touring with just a bunch of dudes, no one noticed a thing. It made no impact on anyone. What's the food backstage like? Ooh, it depends. Sometimes they have catering, but then there's like a whole, it's a real tour. So there's like a whole staff of people who come and they like set it up and they're working there all day. And so then by the time we get there, it's, you know, there's still some chicken skewers left.

I like a skewer. It's a pretty good thing to get from catering. Yeah. But if there was anything, like, he has an opener who travels with him, who's been traveling with him this whole tour, Joe List, very funny dude. And, like, everyone, the whole staff of the tour knew that he likes a Coca-Cola with some ice.

And so it was cute to see them fulfill those little diva requests. That's show business, baby. I like that his thing is the easiest thing to get. Well, I mean, we're still comics. Right. It's not like suddenly we're like, oh, where's my duck? I told you I need a duck, a boneless, skinless duck with one eye.

6 p.m., one-eyed duck. 7 p.m., speedball. It's that simple. That's how you do comedy. Are people, are they paying attention and can you tell if they're paying attention? Yes. Sometimes they are, sometimes they are not. The first night, it felt like there were still people getting seated.

Sure. And so I was like, ah. But also, that's your job as an opener is to get them – entertain them but also get them paying attention. I mean when people are buying tickets for Louis, they're not like, I don't know if I really want to see this. They're like, ah, we can't wait for him. But you're kind of like settling the crowd and being like this is where you look. OK, this is how comedy feels. You guys shut up and don't say things back.

You just make noises. Yeah. I mean, he is at the, you know, crazy popularity level to where, like, people are probably coming to that who have maybe seen one other comedy show in their life. And they know him from, like, viral Conan clips. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And his show. Oh, yes.

And his television show. The night before I got to Vancouver, he and Joe had gone out and done, like, some little local shows, which blew their minds. That, like like got more press, it seemed, than the actual shows. People being like, Louis C.K. did surprise shows in just a bar. Do you think he's probably hanging out with our buddy Graham Clark from Stop Podcasting Yourself? I can't imagine he's not. Probably went and did Ring-A-Ding-Dong Dandy, his wrestling-themed show.

Why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it was really fun, and I'd never been to Vancouver or Seattle. Did lots of sightseeing. I went to an aquarium. Not going to tell you which one.

Just kidding. It was the Vancouver one. I'm so glad you told us, because I was on pins and needles. Well, once we got to Seattle, I was like, oh my God, another aquarium. Am I going to do it? Am I going to be bad and go to two aquariums? But I wasn't. I was like, just one, just one. You know, aquarium is such a

I'm out of town and looking for something to do slam dunk. They got those walls of jellyfish. Oh, walls of jellies, huh? Let's not even get into that. Let's talk about them seals. Oh, come on. The seals. They're so graceful underwater, so

we now get out of water. Yeah, they come out of the water and they're like, ah. They love making that sound. I love videos of seals that sound like men. Have you seen these videos? A seal will come up and go, hey. Are you asking people to send you

videos of seals that sound like men? Listen. I'm not going to kick at it. Wait, specific men? Like famous men? Like do they sound like George Clooney? I'm a seal. I love fish.

What? Yeah. Right. Yeah. I guess it wouldn't. It would just be able to make. Inconcealable. There it is. Yeah.

No reason to continue with this bit. That's so dumb. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Yeah. No reason to continue with this bit. That's so dumb. Yeah. Mike? Yeah. No, listen. If after this podcast comes out, people want to spam my Twitter with videos of seals that sound like men, I ain't going to kick them out of bed.

You know what? I'll watch all those vids. How about this? Somebody, I'm going to deputize Lothreaper here on our Reddit. Sure. Somebody, I'm going to deputize Lothreaper here on our Reddit. Sure. Start a thread on the Reddit about seals that make people that sound like men.

Let's keep them there and then send Jordan links to that thread. Yeah. But I mean, make it clear which men they sound like. Yeah. That's what I want. I want a vid and then the man you think the seal sounds the most like. Yeah. Yeah.

We're talking about, what are we looking for? Don Johnson? Right. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Right. Randy Johnson. All the Johnsons.

Yeah. Mariner's Grey Randy Johnson. Lyndon B. Oh, LBJ. LBJS, LBJ seal. And then-S. LBJ seal. And then finally, Bigfoot the monster truck. I know he's not a man, but I'd love to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

I like to think of him as a man. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. What do Maria Bamford, Jad Abumrad, Dick Cavett, Phoebe Robinson, Dan Deacon, W. Kamau Bell,

Brooke Gladstone, and Andrew W.K. have in common? They've all been speakers and performers at past MaxFunCons. Every MaxFunCon is a murderer's row of amazing stand-up comedians, thoughtful cultural leaders, and skilled artists. And MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East 2017 will be no different. Visit MaxFunCon.com for dates and more information

and to grab your ticket before they're gone. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eliza Skinner, whisper of the wilderness. I thought of what the second announcement was. Is it about the whisper of the wilderness? Well, lately, I, and to a lesser extent Jordan, have occasionally jokingly remarked upon how this podcast is barely functional. How only a very select group of people listen to it and how it's not worth our time.

I want to be clear that when – I want to like explicitly say when we say that, we love doing this show. to like explicitly say when we say that we love doing this show it is actually pretty successful not as successful as successful shows are but not unsuccessful uh we love doing it we don't have any plans to stop doing it just a couple people emailed me really worried about it and i was like oh right our show is important to some people. And I also got a few messages. About how you needed to dump this dead weight

over here? No, they just wanted me to dump them out. Okay, fair enough. Usually the people who want you to dump the dead weight direct those messages to me.

You know, I think I made a flip remark on last week's show implying that Jews killed Jesus. And I wanted to say that they couldn't kill Jesus because they're from space. Anyway, now that that is

settled, that I implied that the audience was made up of goofy bearded dudes. And I want to say that there's a lot of lovely beardless ladies out there. Yeah. Listen to the show. A lot of people who don't identify as either gender.

Yeah. Who occupy a their own liminal space. People with no beards. No beards. Some beards. Facial hair. Extra beards. James Beard.

Yeah. Ben Dykes. Yeah. Mutton chops. Extra beards. James Beard. Yeah. Ben Dykes. Yeah. Mutton chops. You got all kinds. So with my joke, I did not mean to delegitimize our non-bearded dude listeners. You guys have a great show with great fans. I mean, it's no Baron Billy Stop, but I mean, you guys are great.

We're okay. I would love to be that thing you said. Baron Billy Stop? What's that? Oh, it's the most popular podcast in the world. We're okay. I would love to be that thing you said. Baron Billy Stop? What's that? Oh, it's the most popular podcast in the world. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. It's these two guys.

They've been friends since college. It is new bits. Oh, I get what you... And they... Oh, man, it's fun. Yeah. I'm like, did Baron Bond host that? No, no, no.

No. I don't know. I don't know who. It's Baron something. Yeah. He also has an NPR show. Okay. God, that's the best guest. Former Los Angeles Clipper, Barron Davis.

Yeah. But I'm sure all your listeners know. They're fun. So I just wanted to say we fucking love doing Jordan, Jesse, Go. Yes, every time we say that it is a dumb show, we are simply acknowledging how dumb it is. But we love doing it. It's something I look forward to every week. I get to see my friend Jordan, and Jordan's the funniest guy I know.

And then all these funniest people we know get to, like Eliza Skinner, we get to see. And it's a joy every week. So when we're joking about it, we're just being silly and self-deprecating. Sure. Not actually suggesting we're going to take away your binky. It's snowing here in the studio. Oh, my God. It's a Christmas miracle.

I am the real Santa Claus. My tumors have gone. All my tumors. All of them? Yes. There were so many. Falling off my body. All of them?

Yes. There were so many. Falling off my body. I find in favor of Chris Kringle. How do you measure a year? Love. Love. Measure in love. Love.

Seasons of love. Hey, guys. Yeah. Lose it with the season's bleedings over there, okay? Wow, look at Mr. Puntown, USA. We've got momentous occasions to play. Let's hear them. When something momentous happens to you, our listener, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hi, this is Hillary. And Russ.

From San Bernardino, California. We're calling with a momentous occasion. We are at my office Christmas party in Los Angeles, and we were just in the middle of a lottery for everybody who attended. When they interrupted the lottery by a group of firefighters saying that there was a code violation for too many people being there. And they proceeded to do a 30-minute, like, musical number because they weren't firefighters. They were performers.

And they did Soul Man. They did a whole masoch of grease. They did, what else did they do? Hot stuff. They did a bunch of stuff that was really terrifying for about 30 minutes, including standing up on tables and dancing. We have video proof of this.

And then they proceeded to tell us that they were part of a group called Performers in Disguise where they hide in parties and proceed to come out and do musical numbers. So that happened, and we're going to go get very drunk now. Love the show. Thank you very much.

Bye. I think I know what happened here. A lot of people would say this is inexplicable. Why would this terrible, terrible, terrible improv everywhere ripoff be taking place at this office Christmas party? I don't think they're really members of Performers in Disguise, okay? Think what happened is somebody paid up front for strippers, then realized that wasn't appropriate for an office Christmas party

and said, can you work up an act? That's what you think? Yeah, these strippers just... Because I think something isppers because i think something is happening i think something's going on i think you guys are in for a treat you got a show and it's happening in song that's right i'm actually one of those people yeah you were pretending to be a comedian i know for years. These past 30 years or so. I was deep undercover for this moment.

You've been pretending at first to be an elementary school child who aspired to comedy. Preschooler who aspired to comedy. A comedy fan who loved to watch Steve Martin movies or whatever. Yeah, I was influenced. I pretended to be. Somebody who pretended to be seeing for the first time Wet Hot American Summer or Mr. Show, I presume. Sure. All of those.

Then later went on to a career as an actor in stand-up comic, became a television writer. Yeah. James Corden is going to be crushed. Oh, God. Yeah. No, I mean, I got to put in my two weeks notice because now I've done this. But I bet you have something that you want for Christmas. Tell

Santa what it is and he'll give it to you kids. I bet you have something that you need for Christmas. Just make yourself a wish and put it in a dish with cookies. Whoa. Where's that grease meddling? I was promised a grease meddling by the woman on the phone.

This car is automatic. It's systematic. It's hydromatic. Why, this car is a Tercel. Seasons of love. Okay, let's take our next call. Hi, this is Robin in Toronto. I'm calling with them on my just occasion.

Robin in Toronto. I'm calling with them on my just occasion. I, about like six years ago, I guess, I sort of ran away from home, and I like wasn't talking to my mom for years, and we've been talking this summer. I like reached out to her, and we've been talking a little bit, and I just bought her a Christmas present for the first time since I lived with her. I don't really know what I'm doing. And she, I don't know, is still all of the problems that she had when I left. But I'm a grown up now and I'm trying to make friends or whatever, like be in each other's lives. And that's all.

That's my thing. Have a great day. Bye. Eliza, I cannot wait to hear this song. Hey, so that sounds important. No. I tell you what, that mom is really going to love that sounds important. No. I'd tell you what.

That mom is really going to love that Starbucks card. Man, this is really heartwarming to me. Yeah. One of the best parts, and I mean this sincerely, because I know like a lot of... Hold on. I feel something coming on. Let me turn my chair backwards. I got some straight talk for teens. Oh, boy. I know that a lot of teens listen to this show, okay? One of the best parts about being an adult, and a lot of young adults listen to this show too, is that there comes a point when you realize, for me it was around age 33, that you are a grown-up now.

that you are a grown-up now, so you can both make your own choices and love your parents. Like, you're not responsible for your parents. If they do something shitty, you can be like, I think that's shitty. That's fine. You don't have to invite them over. You have no further obligations to them

because you are now a fully formed adult. And it's okay to have all of those things and also be like, I love my parents. They're my parents. Yeah. And you can also mourn the loss of the parents that you wished that you had had. Yeah. And build whatever support maybe – because some people don't have great parents. Right.

And they don't get the support from them that they specifically need or whatever it is that they don't need. You can build that in other ways with other friends, with your community. And then, yeah, become friends with your parents and realize, OK, well, they weren't this other thing that I had kind of hoped that they were. But they're this thing and they're this. This is what I've got. So let's see what this is. Let's see what the good parts of this is what i've got so let's see what this is let's see what the what the good parts of this is yeah definitely like nothing nothing is more of a a like conversational to me than like talking

to someone in their 30s who still rails about their parents uh Even if you had terrible, I mean, some people had terrible ones who deserve to be railed against, but yeah, definitely, definitely, you know, take them or leave them at some point. Yeah. Not just take them or leave them, but just know that...

They're not parenting you anymore. No, yeah. You're not responsible for their behavior. They're not responsible, like you don't have to do special things to you for them because they're your parents anymore. And they're not your source of financial support, emotional support or anything. You're a grown up now. They're just a person.

You can visit them and stay in a hotel. You can visit them and stay in a fucking hotel. Even if they tell you that you can't. You can. You totally can. Say you have a disease that prevents you. You don't have to say anything. You could say, no, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm getting a hotel. I'm getting a hotel. I sure do love you. If something momentous happens to you, like you run away from home. I also love the Doubletree. I love you and also the beautiful rooms at the Doubletree. I also like to offer this to our caller. Thank you for letting us be a sort of surrogate mother to you.

You know, we hear a lot from folks like you who say, I've run away from home. I've been through terrible things. The only thing that kept me going was your wisdom. To a lesser extent, your good looks. But your wisdom. No, I don't hear. They don't necessarily call the show on purpose your good looks oh okay but your wisdom no I don't hear they don't necessarily call the show I hear from them

oh it feels like that's a call for Baron and Billy maybe Baron and Billy stop yeah their show oh god it really is like

having a parent but through a podcast you know I feel like you just get so much warmth and wisdom anyway

I just want to say on behalf of myself Jordan our, Brian Fernandez, our guest, Eliza Skinner, and all our future and past guests, I just want to say to all you runaways out there, you're welcome. Love you, baby. Okay, now it's getting creepy. There's no aways like runaway. Love you, baby. Okay, now it's getting creepy. There's no aways like Runaway. It's really getting uncomfortable. Luck be a lady tonight.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jordan brought here for me. I thought it'd be a fun, it's a Christmas gift. And yeah, I say Christmas. Well, you're a courageous guy. Yeah. Well, you're saying it to someone specific also. I'm glad someone's just finally standing up to the Jews. Oh, you mean the space people? Yeah.

Yeah. You got it. I'm doing that. I was thinking it'd be funny to say, well, now that we've got the Christ back in Christmas, let's put the isthmus back in Christmas. I got to use something Panamanian. The land bridge that connects to the cross. Anyway.

I always thought that the whole happy holidays thing was supposed to be for when you're addressing a large group and you don't know who they are. And so if you say Merry Christmas to them, then you're assuming that this whole group is all Christians and you're negating all the people who may not be. Yeah. So in that sense, happy holidays. Yeah. But when you're saying it to a specific person, you can be people. Sure. You can be one-on-one. You can make a choice.

It's almost like that is a dumb argument. Having and getting mad about it is dumb. Well, I try and save my energy to standing up against political correctness. Oh, sure. All those PC Nazis out there. You get a lot of it, too. Hey, word police, get on my face, okay? And don't tell me happy holidays.

Say Merry Christmas. You're raw. You're unfiltered. Just while we're on the topic of word policing. But also say a very specific thing that I want you to say. Yeah. It's a beautiful, this is beautifully, it's sort of indifferently wrapped. Yeah.

It was a quick wrap job. Oh, a quick wrap job. What do you mean by that? Do you mean that is faster than it makes to hat? That was too quick. That didn't even make sense. You should have done it slower than it makes to hat. That was too quick. Yeah. That didn't even make sense. This is the gift wrapping. You should have done it slower than it makes sense.

This is the gift wrapping equivalent of that song. You know what? It's fine. It's fine. I worked at Borders Books and Music in downtown Washington, D.C. for a time. The Borders Books and Music in downtown Washington, D.C.? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. The flagship Borders? Wow. The one where we found George F., D.C.? Yeah. Wow. The flagship Borders? The one where we found George F. Wells Newsweek that one time. Yeah, in the cafe. The one that Rick Santorum himself visits? We had to recommend something personally. To each customer that came in? To each person that came in.

And when you were working the checkout, that meant that everyone, while you had to recommend something, but you were allowed to mention that you had free gift wrapping. So you would end up wrapping a lot of gifts because every single person you're saying, oh, would you like any of this gift wrapped? We offer free gift wrapping. And I resolved to become a good gift wrapper. I was like, I'm going to get this right. Anyway, I failed and I'm still horrible at it. That's charming after this long, though.

Halfway into wrapping a gift, I'm like, oh, fuck it. I just want to put some packing tape around the whole thing. Side note. Yeah. If free gift wrapping is offered, I always take them up on it. Yeah. And I love a card that's addressed to me from, I don't know, Bon Jovi. Yeah. Whoever I would like to be sending me a gift that says, hey, you're doing a great job, Eliza.

I'm going to take it home and I unwrap it. You're halfway there. And it's fun for me. I'm going to go ahead and open this stock. Yeah, okay. So I should say this is for specifically the cabin. Oh, great. This is keeping in mind that you have a standard definition TV with which you can use to entertain yourself.

Ooh. Wow. It's a Sega Genesis machine. It's a Sega Genesis like machine. It's a Genesis console. It comes with 80 preloaded games, but also in the top, you can put in old Genesis games. Oh, wow. So I thought this might be fun because the, you know, because you, Jesse has a VCR at the cabin.

People were offering him their VHS collections, which he turned down, but maybe you could take some people up on their old Genesis collections. Oh, like the band? Yes. Phil Collins' Genesis only. This has built into it Sonic 3D Blast, Sonic & Knuckles, Sonic Spinball, but even better than that, Curling 2010, Meatloaf Rotation, Make a Brain Switch, Snake, Skeleton Scale, and... Guys, I know what you're about to ask me. There's one title that's on the tip of everyone's tongues. When you think Genesis. And guys, I know what you're about to ask me.

There's one title that's on the tip of everyone's tongues. When you think Genesis. Yes, it does have plumbing contests. Yes! I mean, you know, the little NES is such a hot. Wait, yawning triceratops. How is it possible that there was a better punchline waiting for me than plumbing content? I know that that little pocket NES is kind of the hot gift this year. Yeah.

And I thought about getting it. Yeah. But I think that this one just does what Nintendo does. Thank you very much, Jordan. Merry Christmas to me. I may install it here at the office. Oh, okay. Just saying.

Your call. See what our colleague Christian Duenas can do. It's going to be tough getting work done. Yeah, I'm going to need bowls versus blazers in the NBA playoffs. So if you're out there and you got that dusting up, send it in. Eliza Skinner, what a joy it's been to have you on the program. Thank you. Likewise.

You're great on Twitter. You're at Eliza Skinner. That's me.'s been to have you on the program. Thank you. Likewise. You're great on Twitter. You're at Eliza Skinner. That's me. You're also a podcaster as well. Yes. I have a podcast called Angry Little Goats with Will Weldon. What happens on Angry Little Goats? We talk about news of the week.

Yeah. And we banter. It's just a couple of pals hanging out mostly. Yeah. Sounds like a ton of fun. Yeah. You know. That sounded more sarcastic than I intended it to sound.

I took it as sincere. Oh, I intended it That sounded more sarcastic than I intended it to sound. I took it as sincere. Oh, I intended it to be extremely sarcastic. Yeah, that one sounded very sarcastic. No, I don't know. I didn't. I was angry. It was a great show.

Well, I just get into one of the funniest people around. Oh, thanks. Come on. Give me a break. James Corden don't hire no chumps. No. Oh, actually, he has a couple times, but that was on purpose. Yeah. We have a chump position on staff.

It's a diversity thing. Yeah, exactly he has a couple times, but that was on purpose. Yeah. We have a chump position on staff. It's a diversity thing. Yeah, exactly. You know. There's a fellowship. We got to hire a couple of ding-dongs, a couple of donks. A couple of bozos. Yep, and one chump. The good news is that a lot of times it's like an executive's nephew.

Yeah. Sure. Like if you're having a hard time rounding up a good doink. Someone's always got one in the family. Yeah, absolutely. Eliza Skinner, thank you so much for joining us on Jordan Jesse Go. Thank you for having a hard time rounding up a good doink. Someone's always got one in the family. Yeah, absolutely. Eliza Skinner, thank you so much for joining us on Jordan, Jesse, go. Thank you for having me. We are going to be at San Francisco Sketch Fest in January.

Yes. That is going to be a ton of fun. Go to sfsketchfest.com or maximumfun.org and get your tickets now because it's not just going to be us. We've got Travis McElroy with us. Yeah. And more TBA. Sure. Sonny D, Brian Fernandez over there on the Yeah. And more TBA. Sure. Sonny D.

Brian Fernandez over there on the boards. Thank you, Brian. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Go to MaximumFun.reddit.com to discuss it on Reddit and like us on Facebook.

I am at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. A lot of fun to be had there on Twitter. And a little bit of just kind of we try and address who is and isn't a cuck or a cuckservative.

Sure. And a libtard. Well, we get into that a little bit. I thought we were supposed to call them libtistic now. Oh, I'm sorry. Got it. Hey, thank you to all the PC word police out there. Keeping me honest. Like you, Eliza. Thank you.

Thanks for joining us this week. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.