Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 460: Galoot Contingent with Helen Zaltzman

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

Podcaster Helen Zaltzman joins Jordan and Jesse fora  discussion of frolf as America's new pastime, Jesse's excess cardamum, and Jordan's trip to see Smash Mouth in Pasadena.  Plus, Helen's husband Martin Austwick jumps in for momentous occasions and the guys saw a screening of Fences with a Q&A with Denzel Washington.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Goh, your weekly waste of time. Fun! Enjoyable waste of time. Yeah. A real goof around that you can listen to and then think to yourself, did I get anything from that? And then- Well, I'm closer to death.

Oh, man. That's going to be sweet. If somebody says to you, Jordan, you're at a party. Yeah. And I know a couple. Which I am frequently. Yeah. Number one, you're always going to show business parties.

Number two, you're always going to Hollywood. Rap parties. Hollywood parties. Galas, red carpet events. Exactly. These are the subsets of party that I go to. And you're probably, I mean, you're probably talking to like Scott Rudin. Sure.

Yeah. Or Brian. Scott Baio. And they see, they say, oh, so what do you do? You say, oh, I'm a comedy writer and I am a podcast. And they say, oh, I listen to Serial. What's your podcast about? It's basically that.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a fair. We try and solve murders that say something about the racial divide in America. Yeah, I think that's a fair characterization of Jordan Jesse Go. Second season that might be better, but people like it less. Yeah. Hey, guess what? We've got a guest on this week's Jordan Jesse Go.

She's a podcaster herself, a celebrity podcaster from across the pond. Oh, boy. Yeah. Which pond are we talking about? Walden Pond. She lives. We live on Walden Pond. Uh-huh. she lives on the far shore oh boy all those blue bloods yeah it's gonna be a real she's at the rich kid camp it's gonna be a real snobs versus slobs situation she is the host of the very snobby

podcast the illusionist it's about words and the less snobby podcast it's frankly it's one of the least snobby podcasts you could make on that subject she's also the co-host of answer me this one of the uk's most popular and longest running comedy podcasts her name is helen zaltzman she's welcome back to jordan jesse go helen thank you so much thank you for setting me up so that it feels like um i am a dick right from the off because it's good to keep people's expectations realistic. Yeah, we want to start out antagonistic. It's cool. Like it's a battle.

I'm from a very snobby town, actually. The town's claim to fame is writing letters of complaint to newspapers. Oh, boy. Yeah. And they sign them off disgusted of Tunbridge Wells. Wow. There was a – I don't know if this blog is still active, I think it was a Tumblr, and it had the very not catchy but descriptive title,

Angry People from British Local Newspapers. Oh, that's us. And no matter what the story was, everyone just looked so unhappy to be there, even if it was about a bicentennial or something like that. Although I guess in England, probably you had your bicentennials a long time ago. Well, it'd be like bicentennial of a window still not being fixed. Right. Bicentennial of the park still not being cleaned up from all the dog shit.

I mean, I think that one of the closely held secrets of the media industry is that on most things that ask you to call or write in and then air the thing that called or wrote in uh i think you've got like a 50 50 shot that's good isn't it yeah that's what i mean like i'm saying people imagine the tens of thousands of people are writing to the houston chronicle probably No. Three crazy people write every day. Yeah. They're on like a do not open list. And then besides that, everybody else who's not crazy gets published.

So this is probably a lot like when my sister, when I was in high school and she was in junior high, cut out a ticket from the Orange County Register and mailed it in, and we got Everclear tickets. Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. The analogy that I would have used would be when, Jordan, when you and I started, we would often campaign to be chosen best radio personalities in the Metro Santa Cruz alternative newspaper. And we won every year. We had some stiff competition from white reggae DJs.

Yeah. But I'd like to think we crushed them. Or don't forget about older middle-aged folk music DJs. That's true. Oh, we crushed them good. Bam. Right in the scarf. And Capitola-based urban music DJs.

That's true. Yeah. But you said that's for the best alternative radio personalities no this was in the alternative newspaper like the weekly newspaper because i was thinking after that many years you can't really consider yourself alternative anymore you've you've gone you know you're the establishment right you've won that many times we are pretty mainstream yeah that's true oh by the way yeah so we're gonna be doing a lot of opening for you too opening for you too was going to say doing some ads for this week's Big Bang Theory. There you go. Spoiler alert, Sheldon gets diarrhea. I don't know what happens on that show.

Is that the Big Bang? That's the Big Bang, yeah. The sphincter is going. Well, that's my theory. Haven't seen the show. We haven't seen the episode. They only send us some, you know, some teases. I haven't seen it either, but it sounds like we could storyboard a whole lot of it. Yeah, maybe that's what we should devote the episode to,

just coming up with a hypothetical Big Bang Theory episode. Yeah, well, Sheldon is one of the characters. Sure. The other character's name is John Ross Bowie, right? Mm-hmm. Is it John Ross Bowie? Somebody we know is on the Big Bang Theory. Yeah, and they have intestinal distress.

Yeah. And, you know, they deal with it. Oh, Blossom is on it, right? She is. Yeah, sure. Blossom from the show Blossom? And, of course, David from Roseanne. Is Punky Brewster on it?

I don't know. Probably. I think her, I don't think Punky Brewster is on it, but I think her flying invisible bear creature from the animated Punky Brewster is on it. Oh, okay. And the Ghostbusters from the cartoon The Ghostbusters, like that ape. Right. To be clear, not the real Ghostbusters.

Yeah. This is just the Ghostbusters. Just the Ghostbusters. I would love it if there was, I mean, I know we've talked a lot about Ghostbusters purists on this show. Have we ever discussed the possibility that maybe there are Ghostbusters purists to the point where they want there to be an ape in it? Like, listen, I don't care if they're broads.

Where's that giant ape? Well, they cast Coco, the gorilla, in the role of the giant ape initially, but there was an outcry because they didn't want a female giant ape. Oh. Yeah. But the thing is, is like when you're casting and you're drawing

from that pool, it's like this is why you cast Tilda Swinton. There's only so many famous apes. And Harambe got killed. Sure, that's true. Died before he could be in the Ghostbusters reboot. Tragic. Tragic.

Helen, did you guys have the weird case of Harambe in England? Did that make its way over there? I mean, you have the same internet as we do, but. Yeah, but it's several years behind. Okay. Got it. So we're just about to get Rebecca Black. Oh, okay.

Very excited. But you are super stoked about that dancing baby. The one from Ally McBeal. Yeah. I'm not ready for that. That is still haunting. I wasn't very fond of the 90s anyway,

but that is... Oh, God. Now I might have to leave and just expunge this. The internet in the UK is just one of those animated GIFs that is like a guy

with a pickaxe and a hard hat. Right. When your website is under construction. Exactly. And then a spitting pot leaf with sunglasses. You know.

It's all done by water wheels. Wooden water wheels. Very picturesque mills run the internet. I love an internet mill. See, when your internet isn't working, you've got to unplug the mill and then plug it back in again. You hear about that internet mill, meek mill thief? Yes.

Really tore things up on Twitter about 18 months ago. Yeah, the mill's diss track was surprisingly competent for being recorded in such a short amount of time. Yeah. Well, Helen, I know you guys are a little bit behind, but in a couple months you guys are going to get introduced to two plucky kids who made an internet video called Damn Daniel. And it will delight you for years to come. Yep. Damn Daniel. Okay.

I think I've learned how to be optimistic again. Yeah. You know what? Thank you. I know you're already a podcast star in the UK, Helen. Yeah. If you're thinking about becoming a vodcast star. I wasn't, but if I was, consider it.

Can I recommend a timely premise for a sketch or a little a little mobisode? Damn Daniel back again with the Brexit. I don't know who Daniel would be in this case. John Major. Yeah. That tracks. Yeah. That's some wonderful satire.

Winston Churchill. King from the King's Speech. Oh, yeah. He's good in everything. When we were chatting about... So you are here on holiday. Yes. Oh, thank you for translating for me. I'm on your turf, so I suppose I should say vacation.

Nah, we can do holiday, right? Yeah, absolutely. You said you're excited to do some miniature golfing. I am very impressed by southern california's uh themed miniature golf and also i'm surprisingly good at it surprisingly to me because i'm really bad at anything that involves spatial awareness and aim and i'm quite good really mini golf what are you shooting i don't know what's your handicap i'm supposed to have like remembered all these i'm not so into it that I remember.

That's why they give you the little card with the tiny pencil. Yeah, well, I steal a lot of the tiny pencils. Okay. So that's my prize. I don't know. Cut a two? Two or three? Is that good?

Oh, I don't know. Now you put me on the spot. You know what? I asked the question but was unprepared to understand the answer. Well, this is on you. It is. This is my fault. understand the answer.

Well, this is on you. It is. This is my fault. Something that is my fault is having a lot of raw onion to eat for lunch just now before coming to a small box with the two of you. So I do apologize. I think that mini golf along with froth or disc golf are probably the two greatest American sports. Some would say that the American pastime is baseball.

Yeah. Some would say that football has surpassed it. But I would say that Frolf and mini golf are the true America's pastimes. Well, baseball has a lot of similar characteristics. You're whacking a ball with a long, thin object. No. So it's basically aerial golf. Yeah, that's a good point.

Do you think that Major League Baseball, because I do agree with you that it is being overtaken by Frolf and mini golf. Yeah. Do you think Major League Baseball would benefit from the addition of some windmill traps? Yeah, I think it absolutely would. And maybe a clown's mouth that opens and closes. Oh, yeah. I could see that. I have a friend.

Here's my evidence for the success of Frolf. Who do you picture when I describe Froff players? Let's see. Kind of like a good-looking dude. You know, goes to the gym, does a lot of hiking, maybe some rock climbing. Yeah. He's got those individual toe shoes. He's maybe got those, like, chants that cinch up at the calf.

Yeah, or zip off. Or zip off, or they that cinch up at the calf. Yeah, or zip off. Or zip off or they zipper cinch. Yeah, which is the verb that describes that is zimpering. There's a lot of portmanteaus going around with this guy. Yeah. It's impressive. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this man wears a lot of portmanteaus.

He's dressed for any season. He listens to The Illusionist. Uh-huh. Oh. He's a portmanteau enthusiast. Yeah, and, you know, maybe a little man bun these days yeah but he kind of pulls it off um my friend uh rafael posted on twitter well he i went to lunch with him the other day and uh he had just hung out with the comedian gabriel iglesias you know he's like the king of Latino comedy, like the top Latino comic.

And there's billboards everywhere that there's Latinos. Right. All of America's cities. And he's like one of these comedians that's a giant dude with a tiny voice. Right. And he had just hung out with Gabriel Iglesias. And I was like, wow, that's one of the most famous comedians in the country. How did that end up happening? What were you two doing? Yeah, we went frothing. Oh, boy. Yeah. So apparently, the celebrity comedian Gabriel Iglesias, his manager and my

friend Raphael, they may completely comprise the Latino frothing community, but they are like a vanguard. Right. And that's America's fastest growing demographic. So that's why I'm projecting that Frolf is America's new pastime. Would you say that the 2020 election will be pretty heavily influenced, maybe even decided by Latino-Frolfers? Well, I mean, you remember soccer moms, right? Yep.

I mean, that was a big thing in the 1990s and the 2000 election was micro-targeting soccer moms. I think that what you will find is that your Nate Silvers are going to be zeroing in on Latino Frolfers. And maybe just doing an interview with Gabriel Iglesias, because he's a lot of fun. He makes noises and the whole nine yards. So go the Latino frolfers. So goes the nation. Yeah, like Gabriel Iglesias might say, you know, I'm going to go vote in 2020. It's going to

look a little something like this and then do an act out. He's very high energy. Sure. Very compelling comedian. Is there a kind of set frolf outfit like there is in golf with the brogues and the argyle socks and the golfing bags and stuff? Like a classic frothing outfit. I think it definitely involves the zip-offs.

Yeah. You know, I would say that there's not a distinct – and this is coming from a man who has frothed once. I've had a total of one froth. But I think we went to college around it. Yeah. You know, there was a lot of frothing in our peripheral. Yeah. Frothing is the juggling of sports froth. But I think we went to college around it. Yeah. You know, there was a lot of frothing in our peripheral. Yeah. Frothing is the juggling of sports.

Right. So you're into it. I mean, you've experienced it and you're tolerant of it. Yeah. Right. We went to college, we should explain, before competitive Quidditch. So that's the context for this. Yeah.

I think if we were to revisit our old old college you know the field would probably be half rolf half quidditch yeah or possibly some people doing like a form of soccer where you have to juggle the whole time oh yeah sure i went to a very old university so they were still playing quidditch from the first time around unicycle polo yeah and yeah and i think there's less a uniform and more of just kind of a vibe. Yeah. Kind of a chill, laid back. A smell as well, like a patchouli smell. Oh, yeah.

Bit of weed. There's a musk. Yeah. There's a froth musk. Incense. Yeah. I'm getting. You have to throw it into like a stick with chains around it or something.

Oh, you know what? I mean, there's froth and then there's ultimate. Oh, okay. Ultimate frisbee. So did you do ultimate or Frolf? The one I did was Ultimate. I did not Frolf. So Frolf is penultimate.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, I think Frolf is like even chiller than Ultimate. Oh, yeah. Less running, I guess. Yeah. Like Ultimate is a pretty intense activity.

Ultimate's a ton of fun. Sure. I mean, I can't do it for cultural reasons. But like it is really fun. I respect it's a ton of fun. Sure. I mean, I can't do it for cultural reasons, but it is really fun. I respect it as a fun activity. Yeah. Hey, guys. Yeah.

Speaking of chill vibes, I think the audience would be furious at me if I didn't talk about how I went to see Smash Mouth last night. Oh, my God. Well, let's take a quick break. Okay. When we come back, Jordan Morris went to a Smash Mouth last night. Oh, my God. Well, let's take a quick break. Okay. When we come back, Jordan Morris went to a Smash Mouth concert. The tension is palpable. Following the news is hard and it sucks.

How do you know which stories are important? Which sources do you trust in this post-truth world of reactionary journalism? I'm Brent Black. And I'm Travis McElroy. And we host a podcast called Trends Like These. We cover trending news stories. We debunk misleading clickbait headlines. And we always try to throw in a little bit of good news.

In our quest for truth. So join us every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Z Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, onion eater by mistake. Hey, this week's episode of Jordan, Jesse Goh brought to you in part by our friends at Blue Apron. For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. It is nice that they measure it out for you.

All you got to do is cut it up and throw it in there. Yeah, absolutely. You're not buying some crate of cumin from Costco that you're only going to use once. I get so much- You get just enough cumin. I accidentally bought two cardamoms. Cardamom is expensive, too. It costs like $10 for the thing.

I got these two cardamoms. I don't know what I'm even going to do with these two cardamoms. Cardamom is expensive, too. It costs like $10 for the thing. I got these two cardamoms. I don't know what I'm even going to do with these two cardamoms. I put in some cardamom into some gingerbread cookies. That went fine. Lovely. But like outside of making a bunch of cardamom ice cream, outside of that, I don't know what I'm going to do with all this cardamom. With Blue Apron, they just give you exactly the right amount that you need, and it comes right to your door in a special box. So here's some upcoming meals.

Yeah. Seared pork chops with farro and cranberry chutney. With what now? Farro and cranberry chutney. Dope. Spaghetti squash and marinara with mushroom and garlic knots. Hot. That sounds nice.

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It's a better way to cook. This is optional. Again, the important thing is you go to blueapron.com slash JJ go. But you can put in the memo box on your order. Let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes. Num, num, num, num, num, num. Yeah.

Write that in there. I mean, you got to use the URL to get the free ones. But if you say in the box, let me at them cakes, or record a voice memo on your phone and email it in to Blue Apron as an attachment. It won't get you more than three free meals. No. But I think they'll know that you're down. Yeah, exactly. Which is important.

Down for what? Down to clown. Yeah. Down for cakes. Down for cakes. Yeah. Not down for excess cardamom in the house. No.

That's for sure. Just the right amount of cardamom. I mean, how much space is cardamom taking up in your house right now? I feel like my entire house is made of cardamom. No. That's for sure. Just the right amount of cardamom. I mean, how much space is cardamom taking up in your house right now? I feel like my entire house is made of cardamom. Yeah.

I know, but it's fragrant. Well, that's nice. Yeah, that's the plus side. I've made a sort of adobe of cardamom. Oh, okay. Yeah, making bricks

out of it. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, which is cheap and easy for Jordan, Jesse, go listeners, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And we will share your personal or even commercial message with the world. That's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go with the story of the Smash Mouth concert. Jumpstart your creativity at MaxFunCon 2017. Surround yourself with beautiful nature, brilliant artists, hilarious comedians, and of course, some of your favorite MaxFun podcasts. Whether you join us in Lake Arrowhead in June for MaxFunCon or in the Poconos in September for MaxFunCon East, you'll leave inspired and with a bunch of new friends. MaxFunCon.com has all of the details. Buy your tickets before they're gone. It's Jordan Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, host of the popular podcast Serial. You know what? I love that show. It's really gotten me into podcasting. That's great because podcasting has been going only two years. Glad to really gotten me into podcasting. That's great because podcasting has been going only two years. Glad to have you on board so soon. Have you heard

Mark Marone's show? I love this guy. He's very irascible. Yeah. Tell me this. Is he real raw and uncensored? Absolutely. Gotta have it raw. Let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes.

Those uncensored cakes. Do you think Blue Apron will change their slogan to let me at them cakes? I hope so. I hope they continue. Dearest Blue Apron, please change your slogan to let me at them cakes and continue to sponsor our podcast despite our insistence on saying the phrase let me at them cakes. I genuinely enjoyed your service. Sincerely, Jesse Thorne. Despite our insistence on saying the phrase, let me have pancakes. I genuinely enjoyed your service. Sincerely, Jesse Thorne.

Okay. What was the smash? So for your context, Helen doesn't know the backstory of the Smash Mouth concert. I mean, did you go to the concert in 1998? Oh, no. This was this year slash last night. Mind-blowing. Let me know, what's your experience with them?

What's your frame of reference? When I say Smash Mouth, what do you think? What comes to mind? I mean, obviously, we have a very close relationship, Smash Mouth and I. We go on boating holidays together. Oh. Did they do that song that went, hey, now, you're a rock star, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's the one.

That's all I have. Yeah. Smash Mouth. I didn't a rock star, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's the one. That's all I have. Yeah. Smash Mouth. I didn't have much else, to be honest with you. Smash Mouth may be kind of like the American blur in that Smash Mouth are probably our biggest rock band of the last 25 years. Right. But in the UK, they're more of a cult favorite among smash heads. Are they? I'm not sure they're even cult favorite.

I think they're slightly below um offspring yeah yeah not many hit wonders or len oh boy len bloodhound gang you know that's what we're talking yeah sorry this is no no smashers or whatever you call yourselves no you've got the zone right i think i think you are you're well primed to understand this story so kind of what happened was that the show i work on at midnight, you know, a weird thing that will just always get a laugh is dicking on them. For some reason, everybody likes to laugh at a joke about how Smash Mouth sucks. So our old writer's assistant who left to work on another show sent an email saying, hey, I miss you guys. Smash Mouth is coming to town.

Who's going? And everybody rallied. We all rallied. And another little wrinkle that didn't actually happen was – so like you can rely on a joke about Smash Mouth to work, you can rely on a joke about the Cheesecake Factory to work. And that is helpful for two reasons. One, if you just need to dick on a restaurant, you can say Cheesecake Factory. And two, they don't buy ads. Right. So they just rely on their reputation.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And people's insatiable appetite for cheesecake. Right. Constant manufacture there. And yeah, cheesecake's made on an assembly line. I tell you what, cardamom cheesecake, you should consider that.

That would be very nice. Oh boy. Can I tell you that whenever I'm at the Cheesecake Factory, which I have been three times in my life, I imagine that like behind the door that the server goes into to get your food is like basically like a Charlie Chaplin movie. Right. Like with like cogs and wheels and people getting consumed by the system metaphorically. Yeah. A lot of in the turn of the century, a lot of orphans lost their hands working in cheesecake factories.

So in this kind of email chain, you know, we're like, ha ha. Wouldn't it be amazing if we went to dinner at the cheesecake factory beforehand just to kind of complete this little cycle of inside jokes? Right. And I yelped. And from the venue, the cheesecake factory was 0.3 miles away. Yeah. Which I guess I think is probably in Smash Mouth's rider. Yeah.

They perform less than a mile away from a Cheesecake Factory. Do you think they would accept an Outback Steakhouse? Yeah, in a pinch, I think. Could they perform in a Cheesecake Factory? I mean, I think that would be ideal for them. What's the capacity? I don't know. 100 cheesecakes?

I was going to say 2,500 calories. Yeah. Well, this, so we actually, the Cheesecake Factory did not take reservations. What? We showed up two hour wait. Holy shit. Two hour wait. We went to another nice restaurant in Pasadena called the White Horse Tavern. It was a lot of fun.

No cheesecake. But yeah, so this is in Pasadena and they were Horse Tavern. It was a lot of fun. No cheesecake. But yeah, so this is in Pasadena and they were playing at something called The Rose. Not The Rose Bowl, but The Rose. Yeah. Which we, when we were inside it, we're like, what did this used to be? Like it used to be, you know,

it wasn't a concert venue. And the best we can guess is that it used to be a food court. You know, and because like at the along the wall where like the, you know, Cinnabon would be, they had turned into like bars. So it seems like this was just some sort of weird food court that had a Panda Express and a, you know, Orange Julius or something. And they just made each of those little, you know, kiosks a bar. Jordan, I know that you're confident that it wasn't the Rose Bowl. Is it possible that it was the Rose Bowl Aquatic Center? Oh, it might have been. Were there any children's swimming lessons going on? There were some.

Did that used to be a food court? Yeah. Okay. That they just filled with water? I mean, they have a food court there that surrounds the pool. Okay. This was probably it. Yeah.

No, it's funny you mentioned kids. This was all ages. Uh-huh. All ages show. And a surprising amount of children just running around. Just from the Shrek movies? Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Were they even born when Smash Mouth were last Smashing Mouths? That's a good question. I didn't know why there were so many kids. I couldn't put my finger on it. All of Smash Mouth's progeny, the next generation. Yeah, right. Have Smash Mouth ever taken a break from Smashing Mouths or has it been a continuous operation? It's a calling.

Yeah, right. Chooses you. I think they- I think Dalai Lama. I was about to say, I think about Dalai Lama. I was about to say, I think about Dalai Lama. So I don't know this, but the impression that I got is that they are semi-active and that they maybe play a couple of shows a year at like garlic festivals. Right.

Oh, what a brilliant career. Yeah, primarily garlic festivals. Well, they do. It's not exclusively garlic festivals. It is exclusively in Gilroy, California. Right. In and around Gilroy. They play the Gilroy County Fair. They play the, yeah.

Tell me more about the garlic festival. Hold on. If you can insert a footnote into your Smash Mouth story from last night. Sure. Tell me, what's the garlic festival? Well, I guess I am thinking specifically of the Gilroy Garlic Festival that's kind of there on the Central Coast. And I guess I was just using garlic festival as a stand-in for a corny local event. Okay.

But the Gilroy Garlic Festival in Gilroy, California. Gilroy is a city or a town. Founded by Gilroy Garlic. Yeah. It smells like garlic there because their primary industry is garlic growing. It sounds tremendous. And they have a truly is garlic growing. That sounds tremendous. And they have a truly grand garlic festival there once a year. It's one of the best agricultural festivals you could go to.

Oh, my God. When? Probably in the summer, right? Yeah. That sounds about right. I'm making a mental note to go. I've been to a pea festival twice. Oh, boy.

Well, everybody does that. Why wouldn't you? It's a lot less smelly than a poo festival. Did R. Kelly perform at the poo festival? He was banned. Yeah. Because the previous years, very few people recovered from that. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait. So, no, no. I'm actually kind of curious about this sort of thing. Because this sort of thing is like up your alley. Like this is your, you have a go to a weird local event lifestyle, right? I wish. I wish there were more weird local events for me to go to. It's because I really like garlic.

And I really like festivals with a single theme, it seems, such as peas. So they had various different pea contests, like pea shelling, pea shooting. They had a pea queen. Oh, boy. They had green balloons around the village. How beautiful was the pea queen she was green and spherical perfection just my kind of gal yeah um i like them green and round there's a there's a reddit for that oh yeah yeah uh r slash pea queens you just have to be careful about your spelling so so this was a uh this was a a semi-acoustic

performance now what does semi-acoustic mean so acoustic guitar uh-huh plugged in bass okay smaller drum kit uh another guy just kind of doing general percussion cow cowbells, that thing that goes, you know, castanets. Yeah, castanets. There's just a woman doing the tango on stage with a rose between her teeth. And then a guy who's playing like a little organ. Are some of the members of Smash Mouth possibly in our friend Greg Barron's band? Yes, I think that is the case. Okay.

And so we had a pretty big group. We had 10 people and there were a couple of musicians in the group who all agreed that the guys who were in the band are very good. Yeah. And there was a lot of vamping. There was a lot of jamming. Walking on the Sun, one of their two songs, had a straight up five minute jazz intro. Yeah. And they played for an hour.

They basically got off stage when 60 minutes hit. So a pretty big portion of the time was taken up by jams, just like jams. When you said that they got off stage when 60 minutes hit, I imagined like Ed Bradley walking on stage with a microphone to ambush interview them. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

My buddy Dave, who went with us, had some of the best observations of the night. He says, I'm like, oh, they sure are jamming a lot. He's like, yeah, they just don't want to play Smash Mouth songs. They would rather just jam in C or something. Yeah. They're really into fusion now. Yeah. Jaco Pastore is placed with them.

fusion now yeah jaco pastore its place with them and yeah but it did it did seem like but they did seem to be having a lot of fucking fun with it like it really translated that they liked doing this you know i mean i imagine they like doing this more than just like you know they're plugged in set at the whatever whatever garlic festival uh and also they you know they were all sitting in chairs and dave also said like i think they they just called this semi-acoustic so they could sit down did they sit down on high stools yes they were on high stools were there candles around i would love i would have loved for there to be candles around when i was envisioning this whole thing in my head i was seeing candelabras. Like an intimate romantic evening with Smash Mouth. Yes, exactly.

I was imagining LL Cool J unplugged. Oh, yeah. Specifically. Was LL Cool J there at all? I didn't see him. Yeah. I also don't know what any of the members of Smash Mouth look like, so I just imagine them each as just a different size of LL Cool J.

Oh, yeah. Different eras of LL Cool J. Somewhere like a seven foot tall LL Cool J. Like a nesting doll of LL Cool J. Oh yeah, different eras of LL Cool J. Somewhere like a seven foot tall LL Cool J. Like a nesting doll of LL Cool J that's been taken apart. LL Cool Abdul-Jabbar. Do they open or close with All Star or do they open and close

with All Star? I was anticipating open and close. Right. When I was thinking about how the evening would go, I'm like, okay they fucking right out of the gate with it and then they hit you with it at the end. Because I'm imagining, yeah, like specifically I'm thinking like they come on stage fucking rocking your ass with All Star, get the party started with All Star. Then at the end, there's an unexpected super acoustic power ballad version of All Star. Yeah.

And it was really nice because he, you know, there's a little bit of a storyteller's element to this. it was really nice because he, you know, that's a little bit of a storyteller's element to this. And yeah, I mean, apparently a lot of, a lot of those songs are about his, uh,

you know, his dead first wife and, um, his son was killed in a car crash. So that's actually what walking on the sun is about. It's not, uh, they're party songs.

Uh, the song all star is actually about San Francisco giants, shortstop, Brandon Kromberg. It is, and how he was killed in a tragic car wreck. Yeah. Taken from us too early. No, they just closed.

So they straight up closed with it. And when they fucking started, like, that place went so nuts. Like, I can't think of a place that has gone more nuts for, like, the first couple notes of a song. more nuts for like the first couple notes of a song. I think we can stipulate that the song All Star is the worst and that you had to hear it. You still, to some extent, have to hear it all the time. It's relatively tuneless and it's basically a guy yelling at you. Right. But if we stipulate that, I then feel comfortable saying the next thing, which is it's a legit super fun song. Yeah.

And that's – yeah, I was surprised at how much I liked it. I like figured out, oh, like that's why this was a hit song for a while, you know? Yeah. Like that's why this was in every PG-13 movie from 1999 to 2001. Because it captures that spirit of kind of innocuous faceless anonymous fun yeah you know like sticking your dick through a hole at a rest stop at a highway rest it is the glory hole of songs and it has that little whistling part but i mean it is like it's a fucking super fun song yeah and like it sounded

great live it really did sound good live. Were there any solos in it or instrumental breaks? Jazz intros. All Star was relatively they did a pretty faithful version of it. The version we all know and love is kind of what happened up there. They gave the people what they came for. Yeah, exactly. Plus 90 other minutes of stuff.

50 minutes. And I was when I was looking at the audience. So the base of the audience, the you know, if you were to pull out one demographic and say the audience is most mostly this, it was it was galoots. In the kind of that way that like when you go to see a musical act and the fans look like the band. Yeah. In the kind of that way that like when you go to see a musical act and the fans look like the band. Yeah. This was a, you know, there's a pretty big galoot contingent there. Just a lot of people wearing bowling shirts. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of bowling shirts, a lot of shorts. I went to a live recording of a Kevin Smith show that was very similar sartorially. Yes. 3,000 people dressed as Kevin Smith. Yes, they're all cosplaying as him, and they do it day to day. They couldn't figure out which the real one was. So many New Jersey devil sweaters. Yeah, yeah.

So many hockey jersey as casual wear. I don't know how they even found them in London, hockey sweaters and stuff. Oh, wow. So you went to it in London London and still that was the crew. That was the shtick. You guys have those guys over there. Well, I guess we do. I mean, I saw them.

We were all in a room together. It happens. Wow. So yeah, this was very, very similar to that. But I will say that even though the main contingent was Galoot, they were only about 30% of the audience. Oh, interesting. The rest were just kind of like people who were there because they kind of recognized it.

Right. I would say 5% children who were running around. Yeah. And yeah. And then some like. So this is like going to see a movie at the movie theater in my neighborhood. Yeah, exactly. Like an R-rated movie.

Right. Yes. 5% children running around, 30% galutes. Yeah. Some old people who are coming and going a lot yeah uh yeah and uh you know there was only one guy there who i kind of rolled my eyes at he was you know a dude in his 20s he had big like white oakle's on and was just like, I'd constantly had his phone out and I'm like, I know there's no vine anymore, but is this guy making vines? Like he had that look like, I'm making a vine, you know, that-

He's probably making boomerangs for Instagram, right? Maybe he's making boomerangs. Maybe he was making Snapchat stories. Hey, now you're a- Hey, now you're a. Hey, now you're a. Yeah, he could have been periscoping. But he was like, and he was clearly there by himself. And I'm like, okay, you are here too ironically, sir.

Right. Like, I know we're all here a little bit ironically. But you, sir, are, you have taken it to a weird level. Yeah. And if he's wearing Oakley's, then he is either on some next level irony. Yeah. Or he is like a guy who has ruined irony for everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and you know, and then there were a pretty fair amount of cougars. Yeah. So big, big coug contingent. That's nice.

And then hopefully they went home with some of the galoots. Yeah. And to be fair, I mean, there were also a few actual cougars. Right. Yeah. It's nice to have that element of jeopardy, isn't it? Yeah. Really raises the stakes. Will I make it all the way to all-star at the end of the show?

Not there. Without being devoured. It really gave all-star its necessary conclusion of the film triumphant note feeling. But sadly, the organist perished shortly before. Sorry, Greg Barrett. You got to find a new organist. You got to find a new organist. But no one dressed as Shrek.

Oh. I was disappointed. I thought there would be at least one, like, you know, full costume Shrek there, but there was not. That would be nice. Yeah. They weren't allowed in. How would you compare the audience, Jordan? Because you and I went to a Writers Guild screening of August Wilson's Fences. Yeah. That featured a Q&A from Denzel Washington.

How would you compare the audience there and at the Smash Mouth concert? I would say that the audience at the Writers Guild screening, you replaced the galoots of Smash Mouth with 70-year-old guys who wrote two episodes of Knight Rider. And that is the kind of – that's the bouillabaisse that's holding together the stew of that. I did not expect when we went to this screening of Fences, and I thank you for inviting me to that. It was a great time. Happy to. A really beautiful, really beautifully performed, particularly version of one of the greatest 20th century plays.

The thing that I was not prepared fully for was the coming and going. Yeah. Like, if you're going to a screening of Fences, Helen. Yeah. Like, if you're going to a screening of Fences, Helen, and Denzel Washington is going to physically be there answering your questions afterwards. Is Viola Davis also going to be there afterwards? Viola Davis wasn't there, but August Wilson's widow was there. And the other co-star of the movie was there, who was probably, I would say, the best one. Absolutely.

At what point in this show would you choose to leave the event? Here's your choices. At the end of the movie, before the Q&A starts, while the giant security guys are looking for people who want to kill Denzel Washington. After the Q&A with Denzel Washington, the single most compelling actor in the world, or in the middle of the relatively brief Q&A. How long is the movie and how much have I had to drink beforehand? You know, I mean, it's a two hour movie. It's not a short movie. That's manageable.

Yeah. It's not like four and a half hours, then a Q&A. Yeah. There's a nice bathroom break before the Q&A. Sure. That gives you an opportunity to decide that you're going to stay for the first 10 minutes of the Q&A. Yeah. Then walk out while Denzel Washington is talking.

Well, because experience teaches me nothing, I love a Q&A. And I would almost certainly stay till the end of the Q&A unless it was properly terrible, like when I saw Errol Morris do a Q&A after a screening of his Donald Rumsfeld documentary. Was that bad? Oh, because it was people asking awful questions. He was, I don't know whether he was jet lagged or something, to be fair, but he was not very forthcoming. But then someone got up and basically said, in that way that people do in Q&As where it's not a question, it's a statement, it takes five minutes. Well, if I'd made this film, it would have been better.

And we went, ah, fuck this, and left. I did an event one time. I was on a panel, and the theme was media for the 99%. And my sincere – probably the guy who invited me to it listens to Jordan to jordan jessico thank you kindly for the invitation uh it was me and a person who was like a reporter for the local pbs tv station and like produced their local news station their local news show and uh robert sheer the left on left right and center the columnist robert sheer who's a really really nice guy and just really exactly what you would think he would be like based on like, oh, what do you do, a radio show? And the Q&A after that, like the discussion was like I learned a lot, like it was really valuable.

And the Q&A after that made me want to shoot myself in the face. made me want to shoot myself in the face. Like, I can only imagine, like, if you're doing, like, there's, I don't think, like, I feel like at least if you were at, like, a tea party, you were on a panel at a tea party event, they would be, like, brusque. This is for the political movement. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. The political movement. Like, they would at least be, like, brusque.

I would love just a Q&A for a general tea party. Hi, question over here. Can I get more finger sandwiches, thank you. Request for more sandwiches. What kind of fruit is in this jam? If I were to have made the scones. But, like, there is literally no group of people worse than leftists trying to make a point in the form of a question. Yeah, right?

Just like, oh, please be quiet. So this Q&A we went to, moderated by Leonard Maltin, Maltin nipped that shit in the bud. Oh, nice. Maltin laid down the law right up top. Headed it off at the pass. Yeah, I was really impressed about how Maltin got up there and basically said, hey, no fucking statements. Ask short questions. Yeah.

He didn't say fucking, but he was about that hurt with it. I think he literally said, don't ask stupid questions. We all know what these things can be like. Right. I mean, I think he literally said stupid questions. And was there zero tolerance in sub clauses in the questions? Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Simple phrase, question mark at the end, sit down. This is like writing two sentences. Like writing a radio news break. So, yeah. No. You know, yes. Seeing movies at the Writers Guild is something that I've been doing a lot of lately.

And, yeah, and it seems like the general kind of person who goes to those things is like an older person who's like a legacy guild member who probably doesn't work in TV anymore. And, yeah, I think they just go to so many of those things they're just fucking rude about it. Or possibly people who are in other guilds like Blacksmith or Meadmaker. Sure, yeah. Was there a Q&A after the Smash Mouth set? Yeah, there was. Yeah. Was there a Q&A after the Smash Mouth set? Yeah, there was.

But people were like, if I had written All-Star, if I was tasked to write a movie that captured the spirit of Shrek. I have a question about All-Star's neoliberal perspective. Oh, boy. Here we go. Obama and his cronies, drones, dot, dot, dot. So I noticed you don't mention chemtrails. Oh, boy. cronies drones dot dot dot so i noticed you don't mention chemtrails oh boy when you were writing all-star was the water fluoridated because yeah no you know uh after the smash health concert we did uh because it ended at like

10 10 like 10 after 10. We all went to a bar later, and somebody in our group was taunting them on Twitter to try and get them to come. He said we would buy them a round of drinks. And we thought – there was a hot second where we thought it was going to happen. But they're not ready to confront their long-term bullies. You're right. No, yeah, I know. Yeah, I don't know if they – you would have to watch a lot of At Midnight to get the recurring jabs at Smash Mouth, but maybe they are. Maybe there's a super cut that people keep sending.

Oh, boy. Would someone please make that if it does not exist? I feel like they could just be. I mean, I think if you are a public person who's a laughingstock, such as Smash Mouth or like whatever, Oprah's weight gains in 1988 or like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm trying to think. Yeah, Corey Feldman or something. Dan Quayle. When Dan Quayle went and met with Donald Trump and it was like, oh, right, I remember what it was like in 1990. 90. If you are that person, I think the traditional presumption is, well, you know, you know that at some point it's just a scaffolding on which to hang stupid jokes.

Right. You know, nobody at the Jimmy Fallon show really cares about Chris Christie. They just want to make a joke about how he eats a sandwich all the time or whatever. Right. And they think like, oh, for that reason, it's not a cruel joke. But I think that like a solid 50 percent of those people are completely emotionally crushed by that. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? That's right.

I do kind of realize that and kind of look at, know you know look at them you know with those other bands that you mentioned helen your your offsprings your lens your lens and what's a lens song still my sunshine oh yeah that one yeah all the has some like electronic beats that sound like like a leaky faucet lfo the light funky ones yes yeah. Yeah. Who did that song that went, how bizarre, how bizarre? Oh. Bloop, bloop. Was it one of those bands where it's just three initials? OPM?

Yeah, or OMC or something like that. OPP, other people's pussies. Yeah, yeah, exactly. APM. It was an AP. Oh, an American public media. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they are a very unique laughingstock, but like-

I think laughingstock's too strong. I think that would suggest they've done something truly offensive rather than just being moderately successful. I think that's what's so distinctive about Smash Mouth. Like, all Smash Mouth ever did wrong was want us all to enjoy ourselves. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think, I mean, I may be wrong, but I don't think they've ever been like horribly misogynist or just slightly tuneless.

Yeah. And I don't know too much about their extended catalog. Yeah. And I was surprised when I was, you know, I'm like, okay. They've got an amazing cover of No Woman, No Cry. Yeah. Their Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah is heartbreaking. But I was surprised. That's the pull quote from is heartbreaking. Yeah. But I was surprised.

That's the pull quote from Upworthy.com. I was surprised at how many. So I'm like, oh, boy, I know two songs. Right. And I'll, you know, and I'll hoot and holler when those two songs start. But I'm like, oh, these, you know, they're one of those bands you're like, oh, that was them. Oh. But I'm like, oh, they're one of those bands you're like, oh, that was them?

Oh. And yeah, and I think just being a guy who rode around in high schoolers' cars in 1998, I picked up some of those choruses. I feel like in my imagination, a Smash Mouth concert opens with Walking on the Sun. Then they play the entirety of the Huey Lewis and the News album, album sports yeah then they close with all stars you know q a you know what i'd go see that i like sports yeah right that would be rad um and yeah you know what like it it it it was it was distinctly not sad it was like a really not sad event and i was really and we all like felt great we all wanted them to play longer we were all kind of like oh is that it i would have sat through 30 more minutes of this i think we were all like yeah and like i think the good musicianship

the like people you know this was a half full food court but everybody wanted to be there like everybody was excited and cheered when those songs came on and sang along. And the, you know, cougars swayed drunkenly and the galoots high-fived. And I don't know. It was like, yeah, because I have seen some of those like past their prime bands and it's been like a bummer. Right. It's like, ah, this seemed like it was going to be fun, but now I just want to leave. And this, I absolutely did not want to leave.

It was like really fun. Yeah. Great. Yeah. And I think it was somebody in our group said like, oh, if you just like were at a bar and that band came on, you'd be like,

who the fuck are these guys? Hey, this is pretty good. But they just happened to have been weirdly famous 20 years ago. So yeah. Do you think this is going to make it awkward for you now? If you have to write a joke, denigrating Smash Mouth?

Because you'd be like, well, they're kind of talented, but here's the joke. Yeah, can you write – They put on a great show, but look at these dicks. Can you write a joke where the punchline is, everybody had a good time? Just like in a Smash Mouth concert. Smash Mouth are really quite good musicians. Sure. Yeah.

Boy, what a great looking goatee. Just like. Yeah. No, I think great looking goatee. Just like. Yeah. No, I think I'm still fine dicking on them. I mean, I think Jesse's point stands is that, like, at a certain point, jokes about stuff isn't exactly about the thing. You just want to make, like, a joke. And you just need a frame of reference that people will know. I just want to clarify.

joke and you just need a frame of reference that people will know. I just want to clarify when I make that example there's no doubt that should I ever become famous enough for something to be one of those joke scaffoldings I will be one of the people who's emotionally crushed by it. There's no doubt about it. Zero percent chance that

I would have a good attitude about it. Is being in Smash Mouth a full-time career possibility? Well, part-time you're in Greg Barron's band. What's Greg Barron's band called again? The Reigning Monarchs? The Reigning Monarchs. They're a lot of fun.

Yeah. I suspect no. I think we all peaked at their tour schedule when we bought our tickets, and there were not a lot of dates. And I don't think they make albums anymore. And how much were the tickets? Tickets were $30. But some people who waited to buy them got them for like 15 on stubhub so yeah uh i think me me getting my ticket as soon as it became available was a huge mistake it's a work expense it yeah i guess i

could write it off joke inspiration yeah and hopefully that supercut comes to light so i can show that to my tax guy it definitely seems like a concert created specifically for and possibly even sponsored by Groupon. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and that was that was a pretty big contingent there of like, oh, you it was either this or whale watching. We've already had one fish pedicure today. Yeah. That's enough marine activities. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, jet lag ascending. Hey, guess what, Jordan? We've got a special guest in the studio that came with our special guest. boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, jet lag ascending. Hey, guess what, Jordan? We've got a special guest in the studio that came with our special guest. In addition to Helen Zaltzman? Yeah, in addition to Helen Zaltzman, also from the Answer Me This podcast, also from the Helen Zaltzman household, Martin the Sound Man, a.k.a. Martin Ostwick.

Hi. Thanks for having me. Is my pronunciation correct? Yeah, that was perfect. Okay, fantastic. Sound man? Is that how? Yeah, that was perfect. Okay, fantastic. Sound man? Is that how it's pronounced? Yeah, I'm a pretty sound guy. And in Britain, that's a good thing.

Good. Yeah. Hey, when something momentous happens to you, like there happens to be a podcasting celebrity like Martin Nostrick from The Answer Me, this podcast, as well as 75 other podcasts. Here's a podcast where he just talks about a different Tom Waits song every week. Oh, boy.

Yeah, I heard you're a really big fan of Tom Waits. Is that right? You just love it when he goes, and then bashes on a saucepan. Yeah. The best. That's clever. Yeah, that's his best songs.

Is that the most specific podcast you have? Is a different Tom Waits song every episode? Yeah, that's the most specific. Well, we Is a different Tom Waits song every episode? Yeah, that's the most. Well, we're hoping to go on to other artists, which I think we'll be able to do in about five years' time. Because he keeps producing those albums. Yeah, I think he's going to. I hope he doesn't do another box set. I mean, where do you go from Tom Waits?

Yeah. Even Tori Amos seems like you're like, you're not quite reproducing what the... I quite like that. Yeah, Dylan, I suppose, is the obvious one, isn't it? No, you die before you finish. If you want to do,

yeah, spend your whole life doing one person. I mean, you could just do Dylan's Christmas album. I would love that. Oh my God. Just listen to all the songs and start over

and listen to it again. Yeah, I mean, there must be, there's a lot of like kind of celebrity slash like credible music artists doing Christmas albums, aren't there? Yeah. It's not just Dylan. Well, maybe that's your new podcast, the Celebrity Cash-In Christmas Album. I would adore that podcast. I just interviewed Jane Lynch about her Christmas album for Bullseye.

That'll be on the Bullseye holiday special. Wow. Jane Lynch is really fun. She's a treasure of our time. She really is. She's just a fucking joy. We listened to her reading her memoir as an audio bit. It's great to have her

company for several hours. Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. When something momentous happens to you... Make sure Jane Lynch is there. Like Jane Lynch spends her celebrity on a traveling cabaret show with a Christmas theme. No, in a good way. That's great.

That's terrific. What a fun way to spend your celebrity. Yay! I mean, she could just be doing like a cash-in TV show. You know what I mean? Like a shitty pilot. She could be doing one of those Chuck Lorre shows or something. Are we sure she isn't?

Oh, well, no. I should... Jane Lynch did do a show with Chuck Lorre. It just didn't get picked up. That's why you fall back on your cabaret. Jane Lynch is great. I would go see the Jane Lynch cabaret show, which, by the way, also features Kate Flannery

from The Office. I'd go see that in a second. Absolutely. That's two fun, funny people who are good at singing. I heard Catherine O'Hara is the support act. And then Christine Baranski, she sells you ice creams in the interval. 206-9844-FUN is the number to call when you buy that ice cream from Christine Baranski. Here's our first call. Hey, guys.

This is Ryan calling from Brooklyn. Can you go ahead and pause this, Daniel? At least pretend to care about our show. If you're going to call into our show, Brian from Brooklyn, at least pretend to care. Give me more than one note. Do you think he maybe thinks this is the Butterball Turkey Hotline? Just having, you know, dryness issues. I almost asked Helen, what do you guys eat for Thanksgiving in England?

It's humble pie. Oh, okay. I recognize that the Butterball Turkey Hotline is probably an American-only reference, and I sought to expand it. You know, they're accepting, or at least this year they started accepting texts. Oh.

Yeah. I thought you were going to say this year they started accepting game hens. Game hens. Partridges. Okay, play the call. Play the call. Hey, guys. This is Ryan calling from Brooklyn.

With a moment of shame, I went out drinking to a holiday party last night, and so my stomach is feeling kind of rough today, and I just just sneeze so hard that I shit my pants. That explains his tone at the beginning then. Yeah, well, we'll forgive you for the lack of enthusiasm going into it. We understand now what state you were in. Yeah, I can't even imagine dealing with the consequences of a self-poop as an adult. I just dealt with them this weekend with my three-year-old who pooped his pants twice in a row. Did he sneeze really hard twice?

So the second time I just— What does in a row mean? Well, like he pooped his pants. We changed his clothes. We were out of the house. Oh, no. We had an extra set of clothes. So we did not have an extra set of underwear, but we had an extra pair of shorts or something.

So we put on the extra pair of shorts, and then he pooped in those. Oh, no. And I had to wash them out in the library bathroom and put them back on him wet. Nice. Oh. But that's what public facilities are for. Yeah, exactly, for pooping in sinks. Exactly.

So if you're wondering what happens when you wash your hands in that library sink, sorry librarians who comprise our entire audience. A child's poop has been in the sink. Or an adult's. Good news for you, 15 graphic designers who also listen. You don't have to wash your hands in that sink. Ryan hasn't specified where he pooped his pants. Maybe he does

work in graphic design in Brooklyn. I would presume in the top part, right? Hey! But there's going to be some dribble down. does work in graphic design in Brooklyn. I would presume in the top part, right? Oh. Hey. Hey, yo. Hey. But there's going to be some dribble down.

Yeah. There's going to be a little dribble down. Oh, we don't usually do poop stuff, but I'm having fun with Ryan. Yeah. Once in a while, you got to do the poop stuff. By the way, I take back all my criticism of Ryan. Ryan's got the guts to call in and tell us about pooping his own pants. He's a good man. He's a good man.

Good man. A real American. He gave up his own pants. He's a good man. He's a good man. A real American. He gave up his own dignity to entertain you. So I don't want you out in the audience judging him. This could have been you walking in those footsteps with Jesus carrying you and you pooping your pants. When there was only one set

of footprints and a poop trail. That's when I was judging you. Okay, let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jeff, you guys. It's Rachel from Eugene calling on a momentous occasion. Last Wednesday, my house lost power because my town had an ice storm that the news was calling the worst in 50 years. And now it's Sunday night, and I just got home from a friend's house who is letting us warm up very nicely. And my porch light's on, which means my power's on.

I don't have electricity, and I can take a hot shower. And that means that when I get up for work tomorrow morning, I don't have to get ready for work in the dark. And it's the best. And that's all. I'll let you guys bye. We love you, too. We love you, yeah. Enjoy your hot shower and electrical lights.

You know what I like? That was clearly a woman who understood the premise of momentous occasion. She had the number programmed in her phone, 206-9844-FUN. And she was clearly standing at the bottom of her porch steps looking up into her house with the electricity turned back on. A Christmas miracle. Yeah. It truly was a Christmas miracle. Yeah. That's the power of baby Jesus or at least. A Christmas miracle. Yeah. It truly was a Christmas miracle. Yeah.

That's the power of baby Jesus, or at least the goats or whatever. Yeah. Just like Jesus brought electricity to that manger. Yeah. So, too, can the power of prayer bring electricity to a house where there was an ice storm recently.

Was it Jesus that brought the electricity to the manger? Yeah. Yes. It wasn't the three wise men? No, uh-oh. They brought Wi storm recently. Was it Jesus that brought the electricity to the manger? Yeah. Yes. It wasn't the three wise men? No, uh-oh. They brought Wi-Fi. Brought a router. Oh, the three wise men.

Gold, frankincense, and a router. So the three gifts of the magi. Three Wi-Fi's. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, let's redo the joke with that. Although I guess you need to know they brought Wi-Fi for that to make sense. So maybe the place you said it is. I mean, I think everybody knows that they brought Wi-Fi, right?

It's in the Bible. I know the gift of the Magi is the story where they switch the combs or whatever. Yeah. But is that also what you call the gifts that the wise men bring? Yeah, they are also known as Magi. I think it just, when we got slightly less Orientalist, we changed them from Magi to Wi-Fis. Right. Less racist that way.

Do you guys have like Christmas installations? In your godless nation. Are there a lot of creches in the UK? A few. I think people, there are some areas of the country where they will go all out with just throwing festive stuff at their houses. But then we arrived in Los Angeles yesterday and we were driving through some neighborhoods where most of the houses didn't. But then there would be two across the street from each other where clearly it was some kind of contest. Because they had both gone big. That's Tim Allen's house.

And Macaulay Culkin's over the road. Oh, yeah. Old Allen and Culkin at it again. And then up the street, the Griswolds. Yeah. Really trying to get it to work out just once. Yeah. Across the street from Tom Arnold.

Yeah. Does that seem right? Makes sense. Yeah. Sure. So I found this all very inspirational because at the moment I don't have a house which to bedeck. Oh, right. Next time I have one, it is going to be like, I don't know, so light it might bring down helicopters.

You're living in the attic of your brother podcasting celebrity Andy Zaltzman. I am. I am. It's a real, it's like a think tank at this point. Less home, more think tank. It's like a think tank at this point. Less home, more think tank. It's like a podcast collective. Yeah. Is that where PRX got the idea for the podcast garage in Boston?

We said podcast attic and they just – Yeah. We didn't have the first two floors, so they had to – You're lucky you didn't say podcast Lori. Oh, boy. Then it would have been really good. We wouldn't know what you were talking about. It is that.

And our chocolate tastes less good or something, I'm told. Okay, if you have a momentous occasion for us in the future, call us 206-984-4FUN. Or you can make a voice memo on your phone and email it to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. That would be a fun way to do it. Or you can just email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org and tell us, you know, what we mean to you. Yeah, I think we'd both like to hear that. Yeah, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Martin Zaltzorskwik, the sound man. Helen Zaltzman, bassist from Smash Mouth. She's surprisingly good musician. Competent, yeah, you lay down a funky groove. Stanley Turrentine. Yeah.

Hey, before we go, we're on the way out. I just want to thank the listeners. And by the way, on the way out, we mean the podcast is on the way out because we, Jordan and I, are on the way out. We have terminal cancer. Yeah, so this podcast has about nine months left. Yeah. So savor each episode. And please write stories about us in newspapers and magazines.

And so then when we don't die, we can kind of ride that popularity. Yeah. We got cancer specifically so that we would have a hook to get press. Got to have a hook. Because we have not gotten any press since 2007. Cancerous podcasters. Yeah. It's a pretty good hook.

Yeah. I mean, it's not like we're real raw and uncensored. The headline is, Cancerous Podcasters Moderately Successful. Hey, I want to say a thank you to the Wallace family. Oh. For a really nice Christmas gift. Violetta Wallace and Chris Notorious B.I.G. Wallace. They sent me a lovely 2017 cat calendar.

What cats teach us. Life's lessons from our feline friends. Can you give me some examples? Be a sociopath. Yeah. Ruin a couch. Lick yourself publicly. Bring dead things as gifts.

A lot of fun lessons. So it looks like each month has a very nice kitty or kitties and a little saying. I think this is March over here. There's a nice cat on a blue fence. He's a brown cat. And he says, nurture your independent spirit. Oh. There's a cat with quite a provocative pose on the front of that calendar.

Yeah. Legs akimbo. Alternative. Alternative. Is it hot in here? Yeah. Alternative title on that one is don't relate to others. Be aloof.

I don't think cats are that independent. Yeah. No, they're selfish think cats are that independent. Yeah. No, they're selfish. They're very selfish. Yeah, I'd like to see cats feed themselves, for one thing. Yeah, good luck. All your hunting instincts have been bred out of you, motherfucker. Don't give me any more of that alpha shit.

All right, then. Fine. Just try taking this bell off your neck. You can't do it. You don't have hands, asshole. Fuck you, cats. That's the moral of this story. You little assholes

would die without us. We know how to get famous on the internet. Turn against cats. Yes. And that Benedict Cumberbatch. Ooh, I sure don't like him. Martin and Helen,

what a joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Martin and Helen can both be joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Martin and Helen can both be heard on Answer Me This, the podcast just narrowly saved from extinction. Yeah, sorry about that. We're going monthly with old Ollie Mann over there in England, right? Are we looking at monthly?

Yeah, yeah. We're going to try that for a bit. I love listening to the show. I listen to every episode. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I fast forward through the ads. Oh, come on.

Those are the best Squarespace ads you could possibly have. Blueapron.com slash JJ Coe. Gotta get them cakes. Gotta get them cakes. Gotta get the cakes. Helen also hosts the podcast The Allusionist. If you're a snob, you'll adore it. A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N-I-S-T, which is about words and their origins and meanings.

And how humans bandy them around. But in a fun way. It's a very fun show. I try. I try to make it fun. It's over there on that Radiotopia network over there at the podcast garage in Boston, Massachusetts. Special thanks to guest engineer Daniel this week. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer.

His uncomfortably loud laughter will return on a future episode. He's away for Christmas. You can join us on Facebook, just like Jordan Jesse Go, or join the Maximum Fun group. We're also on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com, where there is always a lively discussion of every week's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I would say that's the number one weekly Jordan, Jesse, Go

discussion locale. Oh, absolutely. Got to get over there on Reddit. Well, I would say number one, our friend Stuart's bar, Hinterlands

in Brooklyn. Yeah. It's probably your number one venue for Jordan, Jesse, Go discussion. But if you can't make it there.

Yeah, anyway, they're probably just talking about the Adventure Zone. Yeah, you're right. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Hashtag JJGo on Twitter. That's a great hashtag.

Lots of fun talk, for example. Oh, yeah. We heard this week from a lot of people that our show was four hours late. So thanks for caring. Thank you for caring with the hashtag JJGo. It means a lot to us. You're lucky to get it, even four hours late, listeners. Yeah.

Agreed. We shouldn't be doing this. We should, like, drag it out a couple of weeks, see how much they really want it. Yeah. Just imagine a world in which we use this time to further our careers. Again, we love doing this show.

And please don't start listening to another podcast. It might be better. Yeah, please don't. Please don't. Please don't. Obviously, The Adventure Zone is better than us. Yes, we know! But don't listen to that show.

That's forgiven! I mean, do listen to it, but don't abandon our show for it. Yeah. I agree. Don't listen to Joe Rogan. Yeah, you know what? There we go. Yeah.

It seems like somebody can get me high. Kick Rogan to the curb. Let's get that guy mad at us and have our necks stepped on at some point. Don't literally kick him because he can murder us. Yeah. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye.

Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.