Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 461: 2016 Year in Review

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

When Jordan suffers a tragic coconut injury, damaging his memory, Jesse has to remind Jordan of what has happened on the show during the past year.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, Jordan, here we are on this deserted tropical island. Yeah. Spending another, another, uh, interregnatory period. Might be a word, might not.

You know, who cares, man? We're on island time. You got it, buddy. Oh, whoa. Look out. Out there on the horizon, I think it's a water spout tornado. Oh my gosh. Oh, now there's wind and water everywhere.

Should we panic, or should we continue being on island time? Look out, Jordan! Oh, no! A coconut! Oh, my mortal enemy fruit. Nut? I don't know. Whatever it is, I hate it, and it's coming straight for me.

It's falling very gradually, and I could get out of the way, but I won't, because I'm too busy wondering whether it's technically a nut or more of a fruit. Is it a gourd? I'm not sure. Ow. Jordan, are you okay, buddy? You crumpled to the ground. Uh, I'm sorry.

Who are you? I'm Jesse. Where am I? What sort of time are we on? I'm the untalented host? I'm Jesse. I'm... Where am I? What sort of time are we on? I'm the untalented host of Jordan, Jesse, Go. What's that? You're the talented one. You're the one everyone likes. Boy, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Oh, Jesus. I feel like I should probably get to a doctor or something because I can't remember a gosh darn thing. Why don't I just remind you of everything that's happened over the past year, and hopefully by the time we've wasted an hour and a half of time without doing that much work, you'll remember what the show is and we can just do a regular show next week. I don't know if that'll work, helpful stranger, but okay. Again, I'm Jesse. I'm the less talented of the two hosts of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Still not clear on what you're getting at.

Okay. Well, every year on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we have a slogan. In 2016, we kicked off the year with our friend Allison Rosen. You've been on her podcast a number of times. Allison Rosen is your new best friend. And we decided on a new slogan. Ultimately, we settled on Get Him, Get Her. I understood four of those words.

Okay. Let me just press play. Okay. On this, I guess, my first Sony, my first Walkman. Nice that you had that with you. And thank God. Very convenient you had that Sony, my first Walkman. And thank God it's hurricane proof.

And thank God this hurricane's died down. Wait, hold on, helpful stranger. Can we listen to this on mini disc? Yeah, sure. Do you have a mini disc player? I remember that for some reason. I don't remember who I am or where I am. AppleStranger, can we listen to this on Minidisc? Yeah, sure. Do you have a Minidisc player? I remember that for some reason. I don't remember who I am or where I am, but I do remember that Minidisc was a scrapped audio format.

Well, thank God you remember Minidisc. It's so much more convenient than that. Very convenient. Okay, let's listen. We need a slogan for 2016. Yeah, we're already ass deep into 2016. People are just drifting hither and yon. Sure. Just floating through this year not knowing what they're doing with themselves.

Yeah. Yoni. So, Allison, for you, we every year for the past couple years, we've picked a slogan for the year. It's kind of a guiding light for people who are listening. Sure. A beacon. Yeah, a beacon of hope and inspiration. Yeah, we had a-

So what have we had? What are the- We had eternal power, plug it in. That was a popular one. Immortal power. Immortal power, colon, plug it in. More powerful than ever, going ape. There's a lot of power, colon. Plug it in. More powerful than ever. Going ape.

There's a lot of power going on. Yeah. Well, in a lot of ways, the goal of this is to help people develop their power. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. A lot of people have underdeveloped. Like I'm listening to Rogan. Underdeveloped.

Also, the mood landing was fake. Underdeveloped personal power. Flatter theory. And our goal really is to – our goal is to – To teach them how to interview and inject themselves? Yeah. And I mean to a certain extent build a race of super soldiers so that when North Korea invades, we're ready for them with a lot of people who are really good to go. You got to be prepared for Rehoa.

That's racial holy war. It's coming. Yeah. 2015 was sleazy like Sunday morning. 2014, flight of the raptor, sting of the asp. I love an asp reference. And then immortal power plug it in and more powerful than ever, going ape. I actually put a little bit of thought into this.

And I was thinking about both my philosophies of life and also what motivates me. Sure. I've been thinking a little bit about this too. Okay. So maybe there's some way we can come to some sort of common ground. Graft one onto the other. Sure. Awkwardly.

Yeah. So when I think about what motivates me, well, I'll talk about my philosophy of life. You know, there's this expression, you got to be in it to win it. Sure. Okay. You have to step up to the- I've seen my own back tattoo. Right.

You have to, you've got eyes on the back to win it. Sure. Okay. You have to step up to the- I've seen my own back tattoo. Right. You have to- You've got eyes on the back of your head. Mm-hmm. You've got to step up to the plate to hit a home run. Sure. Okay. You've got to get into the game if you want to take home the pot. Mm-hmm.

So I was thinking about that. And I was thinking about what motivates me more than anything else in the world. Mm-hmm. And that is the mash-out posse. The Brooklyn-based hip-hop duo. Fizzy Womack, a.k.a. Lil Fame. I'm talking about M., of course. And so my suggestion is for 2016, our slogan be ante up. Like let's go.

Let's do this. Right. Ante up. And it's good for two things. One is if you can't decide whether to get in the game, you say to yourself, ante up. Another thing is if some motherfucker is walking through the hood with a chain, you say, ante up. You take his chain.

Get him. Get him. Get him. You don't give it back. Hit him. Okay. Hit him. Hit him.

Allison. Yes. Let me, while we're kind of figuring out where we want our year to go, I want to ask you about your 2015 going into 2016 okay what do you have any big goals that maybe we can speak to maybe some shared goals that we can all uh you know kind of enjoy together what what are you walking through the hood and someone comes at me with a chain i want that chain yeah it's a nice chain by the way yeah By the way, if Brian has not designed a t-shirt by the end of this segment, I will be very disappointed. Continue, Allison. Somehow saying anti-up is going to get me the chain.

Yeah. I will address that. But can I just – can I, before they fall out of my civ-like brain, ask a couple questions of Jesse? Yeah. So in it to win it and mash out posse, ante up indicates in it to win it? Yeah, because you're anteing up. You're already there. If you're anteing, you're in the pot. You're in the game.

Yeah, you're putting your money in the pot. So it's like a cooler way of saying dip a toe. No, it's not about dipping a toe. It's about engaging in the game. And it's also... It's also a perfect metaphor for...

I feel like you're getting very angry right now. ...sevary. So I'm going to... But how? This is where my whiteness shows. I'm going to quote from my friend,

my friend Lil Fame, a.k.a. Fizzy Womack. Okay. Take minks off. Take things off. Take chains off. Take rings off. Bracelets is yapped. Fame came off.

Everything off. Is he saying get naked? Fool what you want. We stifling naked? Fool what you want. We stifling fools. Fool what you want. Your life or your jewels. It's Bart Simpson again. Yeah.

The rules. Is Sideshow Bob there? The rules. Back him down. Jesse, can we talk to Chief Wiggum? Next thing, clap him down. Respect mine. We Brooklyn bound.

Stirring. I felt it. Yeah. Is anti-up a fizzy thing? No. Anti-up is what you say when you're sticking somebody up. You do? Yeah, when you got when you're sticking somebody up. You do? Yeah, when you got the gun on them or whatever.

White Jordan? You say ante up. As in like put your money in the pot. As in take your chain off. I'd be like what? This is confusing. What does that mean? I see.

Sure. Okay. Because I was thinking not as a slogan, but I was just wondering how this relates to shit or get off the pot in the same – That one's gross. I know. I'm not suggesting it. I'm just saying is it saying the same thing but not quite. Okay.

So as I transitioned from 2015 to 2016, I made two New Year's resolutions. Okay. To do more podcasts. Bingo. Here I am. I mean, what do you do? You only do four or five a week, right? To do – oh, sorry. No. To do more podcasts. Mm-hmm. Bingo. Here I am. I mean, what do you do? You only do four or five a week, right? To do – oh, sorry.

No. To do other people's podcasts. Oh, well. Here I am. You're welcome. Thank you so much. And to be more social. Okay.

Oh, I like those. Because I am someone who has a tendency to not be as social as I wish I were. Okay. After – because when I was younger, I forced myself to go out all the time. But now it's easy to just be a lazy, useless sack of shit. Peeing all the time. Sure. Drinking my soda.

Just urinating and injecting. Exactly. That's all I do. Not even the good kind of injecting. Drinking your Safeway brand sparkling water, Refresh-A. Which I'm sure relates because I'm overly hydrated. Sure. My urine is very colorless.

It's good, though. Odorless, too. Yeah, I know. It's supposed to be healthy. It's good. It's healthy. It's just copious amounts of it. So let's see.

So what else do I want to... You know, I also feel like this is the year that shit's got to happen. There's a lot of things in my life, mainly the trying to get pregnant thing. It's like, if it's going to happen, like, it's going to be this year. Sure. However, if Allison's going to get pregnant, it's going to be this year. It's probably not universal. Yeah.

I mean, it might be a little bit confusing if people, you know, didn't know the exact concept. Right. Here's something I have been thinking about. R.E. 2016. Please. What do you think about this? Destroy the brainstem. I'm sorry. Destroy the brainstem. I'm sorry. Like a like a sniper taking aim. Right. You want it. You want that kill shot. Sure. So you destroy the brainstem. But whose? Just, I mean, your goals, your problems. It's about precision. It's about, yeah, it's about taking a deep breath.

Like bullseye. Destroy the brainstem. Yeah. Like making a surgical strike on your goals? Sure. If I could paraphrase. Please. Do you mind if I use the language of the streets?

I would love that. You're suggesting that we yap that fool. Sure. Oh, my God. Yap that fool. Why is that not it? In a really, like, precision way, you know? Not like, you know, this isn't isn't about you know running at a problem with

20 different solutions or you know uh jumping into a situation before you've assessed it i mean we're getting older we're yeah we've accumulated skills allison rosen can self-inject right i can conduct interviews. Jordan, you've got that sexual power. Sure. At altitude. And that mattress. Annie up, comma,

destroy the brainstem. How about... I have to admit to you, Jordan. Sure. Destroy the brainstem. It's fun to say, isn't it? It's difficult to say.

I find it unpleasant to say. Yeah. And it upsets me a little. It conjures upsetting images to you. Sure, yeah. Because if you think about what happens if you destroy the brainstem, it wouldn't be like, great, cross that one off my list. Yeah. What about yap that fool? happens if you destroy the brainstem, it wouldn't be like, great, cross that one off my list. What about Yap That Fool?

2016. I will say that I don't feel comfortable saying Yap That Fool. I'll say it twice then. Okay. I don't want to sound like a white guy making fun of rap. I'm not making fun of rap. This is like my favorite song of all time. I know.

You're more comfortable in that zone. To me, I feel like I'm goofing if I say yap that fool. I feel like I'm a- But if you add what you said earlier, Jordan, yap that fool, but in a precise way. Sure, comma, but in a precise way. What about this? Get him, get him, get him. Auntie up. Nope. We're dropping Auntie up. Okay. Precisely. What about this? Get him, get him, get him. Anti-up. Nope.

We're dropping anti-up. Okay. It's just get him, get him, get him. Are these commas or are these periods? Exclamation marks. Love it. Done. Done.

2016. Get him, get him, get him. I like it a lot. La, la, la, la, la, get him, get him. I like it a lot. Does that help at all, Jordan? I mean, I think I'm slowly kind of starting to maybe recover some memories. I mean, maybe. Oh, my God. There's a lion on this island.

I just heard it roar. Oh, boy. Yeah, it roared again. I guess it did. Boy, we should work on getting my memory back so I can remember how to fight lions if that's something I knew in my previous life. Thank God Brian got that sound effects CD. He said apropos of that thing. These are two unrelated thoughts.

Look out for the lion, and it's a good thing Brian got that sound effect CD. So on episode 414 of Jordan Jesse Goes, Sarah Schaefer was our guest, the great stand-up comedian. And I actually really took it to a show that I have since come to really like called Octonauts. Should we take a listen? I'd love to. And, okay, number two. And, okay, number two, apparently they have eight pods in the octopod where they live. Now, in my defense, I try to avoid watching this show.

I just sort of overhear it from the other room sometimes. It's really important not to watch shows with your children. Sure. You don't want to guide them through it or something. You don't want to know what kind of messages and values they're getting. You want that to be a surprise. Yeah, exactly. It's like if you gave your mother her Mother's Day present and you hadn't wrapped it. You want them to have that moment of, what is this?

Sure. And then they figure it out. That's how they become adults. So you want to just gradually find out, maybe a couple of years down the line when your kids are six, seven, you're like, oh, you're very religious. Apparently we were setting you down in front of some evangelical Christian shows. I just thought that was stories about vegetables. Yeah, no. No, those tales were about more than just vegetables. In my defense, the octopod,

as constructed for the home enthusiast, I know this because I put the fucking thing together, has four pods. I don't know if you're supposed to buy two and glue them together. There are definitely four pods. Maybe they're selling the pod.

Maybe this is the racket here. This is like a two-foot-high octopod. This is not some pocket pod. This is a huge thing that I had to bring home in the car from the Bay Area after Christmas, fully assembled. So maybe— It has four pods. I recounted.

Can you buy—is this a, you you know remaining pods sold separately kind of deal if you want to complete the octonauts podtorium do you have to send away for the other ones you think i'm gonna get some kind of octo catalog in the mail i don't know i'm just i'm asking am i gonna write away to ll bean's signature sure's signature? Sure. Their heritage brand. Nice denim octopod. Yeah, flannel. So here's mine. And I don't want to, you know, we've given a lot of time to the Octonauts.

So your complaint. We are sponsored this week by the Octonauts. Sure. The British children's television show. That may or may not be religious. Hard to say. Yeah. No way to know.

So your initial complaint that started this discussion uh was what can you refresh us yeah i can um here was my complaint uh there's a plot line on this show where one of the characters goes inside what he believes is an underwater cave and it turns out to be the gaping maw of a whale shark. My assertion here is that whatever kind of training you have, and I'm sorry to yell, Jordan. Sure. You know that I hate yelling, but this really gets my goat. Sure.

This really gets my goat, Jordan. Yeah. Well, and you're fully erect, too. I can see it. You are having some sort of anger boner. I am long and proud. Hard as a diamond. Yeah, well, and you're fully erect too. I can see it. You are having some sort of anger boner. I am long and proud. Sure. Hard as a diamond. Yeah. Whatever kind of training you receive in

order to become an Octonaut, and I'll grant you, I do not know what the training is, but one presumes that there's some kind of training course. Sure. Even a correspondence course should give you the basic skills to identify the difference between an animal's mouth and an undersea cave. So do you remember?

I was just playing devil's advocate, always the peacemaker. It's tattooed across my back. I think playing devil's advocate is the opposite of being a peacemaker, but go ahead. I'll do either. You know, when in Rome. Sure. Do you remember what my potential explanation was? Yeah.

Well, you said that they could have been, it was a vast and gaping maw, that they could have been swept in there thinking that the whale sharks could think that they were krill. But also maybe I had a more practical storytelling explanation. Do you remember what this was? You got to save the cat. Well, partially. Is that what it was? It's an old screenwriting trick when you do the pilot of a TV show. Right.

A lot of times. Right. I mean, and I've written a lot of pilots in the day. Sure. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Right. The Single Guy. Yep.

After MASH. Yeah. Those are all of mine. I write the pilots and I leave. I get out of there. The Tortellis. I get out of there. House.

That's one of mine. Sure. The pilot of a TV show, a convention that is often used. CSI Milwaukee. Is you bring in you know especially when it's a workplace which I think the Octonauts fundamentally is

it's a workplace show yeah that's true right I remember we talked about that we compared it to Mary Tyler Moore you bring in a new hire and so you show them around and they're sort of an audience

they're an audience circuit right so they learn about the world as you are learning about the world. Right. I'm on the Octonauts Wiki here. Okay. Can you give me a URL for that?

Yeah, it's octonauts.wikia.com. Got it. So if anybody else wants to visit out there, it's a lot of fun, very informative. Is it safe for work? Yes. Yeah. This looks good. I just don't want to lose my job.

You know, there's some side boob here, but- Got it. You can just- I mean, there's side boob on HuffPo, you know? Yeah. This looks good. Yeah, you can see. You know, there's some side boob here, but. Got it. You can just. I mean, there's side boob on HuffPo, you know? Yeah. Episode one, series one. This is a British show, so they call a season a series.

Right. Episode one, series one. Octonauts and the whale shark. When Dashi is swallowed by a whale shark she thought was a cave, the Octonauts venture inside to rescue her. So, maybe somebody was a little hard

on a little children's television program that apparently has airtight storytelling. And that show is called Paw Patrol. Sure. And that show is called Paw Patrol. So there's your creature report there. It's a Loch Ness reference. Okay, yeah. I'm just kind of starting to get a sense of self back.

Do you remember Paul Rust? Oh, I mean, listen. I am a shell. Right. A husk. Yeah. Of a human being. My memories are gone and therefore my soul.

You're basically one of those little white paper pouches of desiccant that come in a new pair of sneakers. Yeah. I am but a vessel awaiting a spirit. Right. But I do remember the great Paul Rust because I love to binge watch his show Love on Netflix. Yeah, well, let's take a listen to our discussion of Wayne's World 3 from episode 417 of Jordan, Jessica. There is a crazy guy on the website GoFundMe right now that has written a sequel to Wayne's World called Wayne's Leisure World. It's about

Wayne and Garth as old men. I don't know. I got the Leisure World joke because it was the retirement community. That was what it was called where I grew up in Orange County. Leisure World. That's where my grandparents lived.

Oh yeah? Leisure World in Mission Viejo. There you go. This might – and listen, I didn't make this joke. I'm about to relay a cruel joke that my dad made to me. Wow. So you were about to tell a cruel joke about my grandparents. Yes, specifically.

Yes, specifically. My dead grandparents. My beloved dead grandparents. The nerds. My you. My dead grandparents. My beloved dead grandparents. The nerds. The nerds. My moderately beloved dead grandparents. I remember a handful of moments in my life where it was just me and my dad,

and he would tell me a joke that I knew was like, oh, if mom was around, if mom was around, I would not be getting this joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We drove by it, and he called it seizure world. So I apologize to your dead grandparents.

I don't know if they died from seizures or seizure related complications. That could also be a play on SeaWorld. Oh, yeah, sure. If you wanted it to be. I do, Paul. I do want it to be that. By the time I was in my teens. The thought of a penguin having a seizure is kind of cute, isn't it?

Like it's just flopping around. Oh, a penguin. I thought you said a pig. seizure is kind of cute, isn't it? Like he's just flopping around. Oh, a penguin. I thought you said a pig. He's asking. Oh, yeah. I mean, then. I was like, get that pig out of SeaWorld. Yeah.

Take him to LandWorld, which is where pigs belong. That's what they should call the zoo. LandWorld. Wow. I can't believe I've seen all the animals from land. Should we just end this episode and come out with a bang? Yeah, right. So there's this guy, and he

has this really, really badly photoshopped photo of Wayne and Garth with gray hair and wrinkles. Oh, boy. And he has, and you can go down this GoFundMe page and look at all of his

rejection letters that he's gotten from just every agency and studio, and none of them say they have read it. They're all saying, we don't accept these.

We are returning it to you unopened. And yeah, and this guy, and he always refers to the Hollywood gatekeepers. He's like, the Hollywood gatekeepers don't want you to see this movie.

Wouldn't he have to initially just get permission from Mike Myers? Wouldn't that be part of it? I don't know. I feel like if we're talking about gatekeepers he's going to have to deal with, he's going to have to deal with the leisure world gatekeepers. Sure, yeah. He's like, listen, Mike Myers has signed off. Dana Carvey has signed off.

But the people at leisure, so yeah. I'm sorry, sir. You're not on the list at Leisure. So, yeah. I'm sorry, sir. You're not on the list. You're not on the list. I'm sorry. Everyone wants to make a Leisure World movie. So, yeah. This is some guy who I guess grew up.

Oh, I just meant the guy who mans the gate. Oh, okay. That was the Hollywood gatekeeper. The actual physical gate at Leisure World. There may be a second metaphorical gate with the Leisure World management that he has to get through. But I mean just to get into Leisure World. There may be a second metaphorical gate with the Leisure World management that he has to get through. But I mean just to get into Leisure World. There's a gate there. I was envisioning a humor scenario

where that was the hard part to get signed off was calling it Wade's Leisure World. Like everyone's ready to shoot but we can't get the, and if we can't get that title we're not going to do it. Right. That's their attitude. I like to imagine that he's in a car. He's got Wayne and Garth in the car with him.

It may even be the Mirth Mobile. Sure. And he's at the gate of Leisure World, and the guy that runs the gate won't open the arm for them. Sure. And then they crank up Bohemian Rhapsody. He's like, get in on in here. Get in on in here. Get in on in here.

So this guy is trying to raise, you know, $10,000 or whatever. I don't know what happens when he gets the money. Yeah. Right. Does he portray the characters himself in a clumps-like fashion? So this might be something I should look up and get the details for. I would love to see this go on the page. Post after one of the breaks.

That's a good idea. That's good. That's a good idea. That's good. That's a really good idea. Anyway, but this is out there. Paul, okay, so I have a question for you. Have you been on our program since a thousand years ago when it was in Koreatown in my apartment and you played, I want to say, Bart Simpson running for president? Presidential candidate. More relevant now than it's ever been, right?

I believe it was. What with all these cartoon characters running for office. Sorry, guys. It was you and your former comedy partner, Neil. Current. Current. Yeah. Continuing comedy partner, Neil, who's now the head writer of Comedy Bang Bang.

Neil Campbell, yes. Forever. Comedy partner Neil, who's now the head writer of Comedy Bang Bang. Neil Campbell, yes. And one of you was – it was a presidential debate I think on the show. One of you was Bart Simpson and one of you was the screenwriter of Look Who's Talking 2. Right. I don't remember which of you it was. We did that and then we have done a subsequent one.

OK. That was at the Mount Washington. I think that was – I still remember. Is that the one that you're saying? The anger and confusion that that led to in our – probably at the time we had 2,000 people listening to the show. Of those 2,000, like 1,800. What the fuck was that? What did I just listen to?

Was that – because I think at the time we would like we would pretend like it was real and not say we're about to do a gag right right right and that really upsets people because they feel like they're being tricked well i mean we're i mean we are first and foremost journalists right well above all else yeah to hear the true thoughts of this screenwriter. We thought we were going to get an in-depth. We've been denied. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that was during a time that Neil and I were particularly fascinated with the idea that Simpsons are real characters.

A Roger Rabbit-like way in our reality. reality uh and uh also it was really it's fun to reference those characters because they're so beloved where people i think automatically assume if you're riffing on it you're mocking it i don't know if you guys have had this experience where you're like no i'm just riffing on it because i like it but people i don't know if it's because of the internet, the internet, that people automatically assume if you're talking about it, you're kind of like mocking it. Right. And that's a big – I mean that's a big problem especially because you run into kind of a fan community buzzsaw if you're going to make any kind of joke about Look Who's Talking To. Serious fans. Didn't quite make it through the sentence you know what's fair game though oddly enough look who's talking now they don't care about that

right sure yeah it's a what if it's in an else world sure i had a buddy who was like really upset because his parents wouldn't let him uh watch look who's talking and everybody all the kids in his class did and he was left out. But he... God, my friend John, he cracks me up. He told me that one time in like 5th or 6th grade in school, in class, in front of everybody

he referred to Saturday as Cartoon Day. Yeah. Got mocked. You know, it's funny. I also had some friends as a kid who could not watch. I get it. You guys had friends as kids. Sorry, you had business associates.

So these were the, like, oddly religious people on our block whose family did not believe in dinosaurs. As a kid, I really loved dinosaurs and, like like to have them say, you know, dinosaurs. They didn't even think they existed, let alone. Yeah, yeah. Scam by the museum industry. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah. The donations of $1 per person.

Right, yeah. Raking it in. Raking it in. Yeah, it's big business. And I'm going to make a hunch maybe these parents were a little older than other parents. No, they were not. No, yeah. These were –

Can I guess one thing? Maybe they were white people. These were whites. These were two popular whites. Yeah. So didn't believe in dinosaurs. But this was the house where I saw my first Freddy Krueger movies. Because they were absolutely fine with showing Freddy Krueger movies. Weird.

I think there was a – they were a big, like, sports family. So I think there was a sense of this will toughen them up. Like this will produce tough, athletic – Such as yourself. Yeah, right, exactly. So they sat me down in front of Freddy Krueger and my shot put career. That's how you made Varsity. Yeah.

Do you remember which movie? The original, and I also think I saw Dream Warriors there. Anyway, I was very scared of them. I did not like them as a kid. It's unsettling. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but they could not watch Look Who's Talking. When I asked them why they could not watch Look Who's Talking talking. I remember he says it's oh, it's because they show sperm.

And I think he's referring to that opening where where he comes and then you see like a you see like a like talking sperm going toward the egg. Yeah. And I think they're playing. I get around. I get around. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess they're playing. I get around. I get around. Yeah. Yeah.

So I guess the parents did not want them to see. It's actually pretty. I'll use the word sublime. Sure. You see it. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I knew those the families that were like violence was OK.

Yeah. But not sex. Sure. And that family was called America. Whoa. Sorry, guys. Hey, you were saying the cartoon characters. No, you're right. You made it political.

I set the precedent for mind-shattering satire. My neighbor was a lady called Mrs. Love. She was an older black lady that was always threatening to kill my dog. Oh. What movies did she like? I couldn't tell you.

Why did she not like your dog? Because sometimes it would pee on her house. In her house or? On her house. Oh, like on the physical structure? Because I lived in the city, so there was no grass or dirt or anything. So she would pee on like a telephone pole or something,

but then sometimes she'd do it in front of somebody's house. Yeah, I didn't know if her house was in the shape of a fire hydrant. And Mrs. Love would come out and she would scream at us and tell us she was going to – I'm going to kill that dog. Whoa. That's a – She was not a loving woman. No, that's a tough thing to – Her name, it turned out, was ironic.

The main neighbors that I remember were her. We had another neighbor who became the first transgender person to run for citywide office in a major city. She almost became on the board of supervisors in San Francisco. And then my babysitter's mom, who was like a wino character from a movie in 1979. More like bell-bottoms. It was sad more than anything else. But just kind of like shook her whole body while she walked. That's amazing. Glowing red nose.

Yeah. Yeah, like she could have been a character from Car Wash, basically, but in 1987. Of all the breeds of alcoholics, I feel like the wino is the most beloved. Sure. They're the funniest. It's the most fun to laugh at them because they love wine. Guys, I have this GoFundMe page pulled up for Wayne's World 3. Okay, great.

Thank you. Wayne's Leisure World. Wayne's Leisure World. Is it called Wayne's World 3. Okay, great. Thank you. Wayne's Leisure World. Wayne's Leisure World. Is it called Wayne's World 3 colon? Let's see. Wayne's World 3. Okay, hold on. This is from a man named Trevor Schneider.

By his photo here on GoFundMe, he looks to be about 55. Humorless looking man. He is from North Bay, Ontario. Sure. Not Facebook verified. Canadian like Mr. Myers. Yeah. So, yeah.

I mean, clearly close to his heart. Although I guess the character was from Aurora, Illinois. Right. But, you know, there's some kinship there. I have written a sequel to the movie Wayne's World. It is well crafted and brilliantly funny. You can read my Wayne's Leisure World screenplay by following the link.

So this is available. Have you read it? I have not read it. You haven't looked at the signs? You can watch the Wayne's Leisure World movie trailer by clicking on the following link. Oh my god. My goal is to find an agent to represent my screenplay to Paramount Pictures. Any funds raised will be raised towards that objective.

Hmm. Party on. Trevor Schneider? Can we listen to... Yeah, let's listen to some of the trailer. Let's have Brian can load up the trailer so we can listen to it. Oh, it's on Dropbox. You have to, like, download this. Oh, no, okay. I can... Okay, we can watch it here. Well, let's have

Brian load it up and he can play it through the board so that it sounds nice for the audience. Okay, yeah, let's have Brian load it up, and he can play it through the board so that it sounds nice for the audience. Opening pretty strong. Yeah. We got permission to use this? Yeah. So, I mean, that's where the GoFundMe money's going. It's a music licensing.

Is this all just going to be music, I wonder? Is there text popping up that's like... Warning. This video contains unsolicited material. You are watching the trailer to Wayne's World, released in 1992 by Paramount Pictures. Wayne and Garth are still fighting a good fight, but Paramount Pictures has refused to read our sequel, Wayne's Leisure World.

It is a story that demands to be told. It is the year 2047. Wayne and Garth have settled down and are enjoying their golden years. Not! As you know, the future is never a happy place. The world has gone mental. Vegetarians run wild. Wow.

Everyone's listening to whale music. An evil genius has cornered the synthetic food market. And don't get as started about robots. Will rock and roll save the day? We may never know. What is Paramount Pictures hiding? For 23 years, we have played by Hollywood's rules. Today, we are taking the offensive.

Help us mount a social media blitz that will take Fortress Hollywood by storm. The story must be told before it's too late. There's still time to change the course of history. Read the screenplay and judge for yourself share the story before it's too late wow wow okay so can we address the how he doesn't know how to say not not the things he's only read the Wayne's World novelization. He's never seen the movie.

The things that make the future dystopian in Wayne's World 3, Wayne's Leisure World, are things from before Wayne's World. Right. Whale songs and vegetarians? Yeah. Nope. These are things from like 1980. Yeah. Yep.

Yep. This is like, this is probably stuff they cut out of Demolition Man. Like a dystopian future. Disco has gone wild. Sure. Will rock and roll ever return? Everyone's eating yogurt. Oh no. I was really afraid that Whale Socks was going to be

rap music. Oh, well, it will be once the finished project. It's funny that his main angle on it is taken on Paramount. What are they hiding? What are they hiding?

Disinterest in reading a man from Ontario. You should be happy they're hiding their polite dissenters. Yeah, he does make it sound like an Illuminati plot to keep him down. Well, what's interesting with that is, and this is a sincere comment,

I think the reason Wayne's World will last forever is I do think there's a nice little idea of sort of, hey, we have something that's organic and underground. And when a corporation sees that they can make money off it, they'll pluck down, you know, and pull something out. Super deluxe.

Sure. You know, they hear the kids are doing something cool and they're like, hey, we could sell Doritos with them. Yeah, yeah. Not to – Yeah. But – and what's interesting – Let's promote Halliburton on Snapchat.

Let's get the kids to buy some Blackwater stock. I just don't want to get you in trouble with alternative comedy web platforms that failed 10 years ago. Do you guys want to guess how much money he's made so far? Yes. Negative six cents. Yes, I know. Right. You had to pay Kinko's to use the computer to make the GoFundMe page.

Are there any gifts or prizes? Let's see. Yeah, there are some. Because that's what I'm in. I don't think I can judge. There are perks. Without knowing about the, you know, with membership perks. Paul, I don't know if you know this.

No, I know. Okay. So for $5 and you get a PDF of the screenplay. That's pretty nice. Is it the same one that's linked to? Yes. Oh, a PDF of the poster. Oh.

Which, as I mentioned, it was Wayne and Garth with gray hair. Okay. And a, I'm doing quotation marks here, and a big thank you for helping us storm the barricades of Fortress Hollywood. Oh, a big thank. A big thank you for. You know, is that not a regional chocolate bar? I know. It's a graham cracker.

There's a graham cracker in it. You have to go to Vancouver and get it. $10. Same thing. $25. Gratitude. Crusade Against Fortress Hollywood. $50.

Yeah, same thing. $100. Wait, $50 is then a PDF of the script? So for all these, you get a PDF of the screenplay and a PDF of the poster and appreciation for bravely supporting our struggle against Fortress Hollywood. I say $365. Okay. Oh, and for $100. Wait, this could be a game changer.

But you get called up. You get a date with Christina Hendricks. You get called a producer. Okay. I still say $365. Okay. Paul, what do you think? I'll say $42.

$540. Wow. $540. And the price is right. You didn't go over. Yeah. Jordan, you are getting better and better, and I am so glad. Yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, I guess I was a guy named Jordan. Yeah, that's who I am. And, yeah, I got a big old dong. So I have two important pieces of information. My first name and the nature of my dong. My first name and the nature of my dong. Well, when something momentous happens to you, like you realize the girth and length of your own dong and you realize how prodigious it is, people call them in to Jordan Jesse Go at 206-9844-FUN. Seems like a waste of time. And on episode 419 of the show with our friend Nick Adams, there was a guy who called in after having witnessed

a prayer circle in a group of male strippers. Let's take one more call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Timothy from Chicago calling with a momentous occasion. This evening, I took the bus home and was staring out the window as I normally do. And as I passed the first window, I saw some ladies in a glittery dress having some champagne and some hors d'oeuvres, having a nice evening. And as I passed the next window in the room, presumably next to it, I saw some muscle-bound fellows with shirtless, with ties on and backwards hats. I believe they were strippers going to this party. And what was interesting was that they were standing, holding hands together and praying. I'm assuming this was for your upcoming performance.

Really heartwarming stuff. Thanks so much. Love the show. Bye-bye. Lord. This is Chad. Love the show. Bye-bye. Lord. This is Chad. Your servant, Chad. And yo, it's me,

Ryder, too. I'm here, too. Shut up, Ryder. Shut up. You shut up, Trey. And I just want to thank you for this day. Yeah, man. The fact that we can do what we love. I love this shit. And I want you to bless us all as we go into that room filled with champagne-drunk sluts.

Thank you so much for this dick, Lord. Lord, please let our dicks get kind of hard, but not fully erect. It's illegal if they get all the way hard, Lord. Lord, just give us half chubs, Lord. Make it look nice and thick, but... Lord, I got what it takes to make a half chub count. And while we're out there, just let... Thanks to your providence.

Let those sluts see you in us. As we shake our half erect dicks in their face. When I look in the mirror, I want to see Jesus Christ, your one and only son. And let us be witness. The light of the Lord. May the light of the Lord be upon our buttholes when we bend over. And just let us be. May they be clean and free of hairs.

And let us witness. If that's where they're at and they want to know more about you, let us, you know, speak through us, Lord. Let us share your story. Let us share the good news, Lord. Lord, I'm sorry that you gave me this weird speech impediment, but I'm grateful for my monster schlong and muscle physique. Oh, and also bless Genuine. Amen.

Jordan, is that you singing that beautiful whale song? No, I think it's probably one of the many whales circling this island. Oh, you know what they say. You really know you're in trouble when you see those whales start to circle. Yeah, they're probably after the lion. Yeah. They want to eat him with their baleen. It's going to take a long time. We should have made all our clothes out of krill.

Yeah, that was a bad move. It seemed like a great move at the time. It seemed like a real resource saver. Well, krill breathes. Yeah, exactly. And it's versatile. You can dress it up or dress it down. It's like a nice V-neck sweater. Yeah, exactly. And it's versatile. You can dress it up or dress it down. Like a nice v-neck

sweater. Let's see, Gillian Jacobs was on episode 423. Oh, one of the other stars of Love the Show. I remember binge-watching. Yeah, and she actually had a great conversation with us about t-shirt guns, and let's

take a listen to it. Might help us defend against these circling whales. So there were many t-shirt firing apparatuses. First one was like an oil drum with a tube at the top and a man pushed it out and then it just- On wheels. On wheels. Like a full on siege machine, like a war machine.

Sure, yeah. It did look like a Mad Max kind of- I was going to say, was it Fury Road-y? It was Fury Road-esque. I mean, it was painted with the Clippers logo, so it looked less apocalyptic, but it definitely looked improvised. It's like a man made this to kill someone to get his water. Yeah, and they say that the Iraq War was in vain.

Sure. get his water yeah and they say that the iraq war was in vain um and this so the man will push that pushes this barrel out and and then it will just start firing t-shirts in the air willy-nilly that come down onto the crowd oh uh and then does it spin on its own or how does it change the direction of where it's shooting uh i think it just shoots in one direction the man is kind of constantly pushing it so you said they were high tech so i was imagining one that could spin on its own it's like no it's like on the on wheels if you imagine the wheels on a uh uh garden uh what's that called wheelbarrow like wheelbarrow wheels got it yeah i'm with you now. And then Chuck the Condor came out on – I mean you said siege machine for the first one. But this second T-shirt gun was absolutely a siege machine.

It was like a Gatling gun that he rode out on. It was motorized. And this had maybe 60 slots for t-shirts this thing is giant and then just fired just rotated around the the court firing it into the audience it was uh terrifying but also awe-inspiring yeah there was a kind of a moment of like you know look what we can do right in this great country of ours look what we look what we've made like this great country of ours. Look what we've made. Like a kind of fuck you to God and the laws of nature. Yeah, a tower of Babel that launched T-shirts at everyone.

A real Sodom and Gomorrah. Yeah, sure. You could probably fire them up an ass. Yes. Against God's wishes. Sure. Maybe. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Yeah, I was like,

in the time between the first t-shirt canon I saw and now, I mean, what does the future hold? Here's the central problem of the t-shirt canon. If you get the t-shirt, it's going to be double XL, isn't it? Yes. I didn't even think about

the practical nature of catching the T-shirt and then like wearing it, you know, around that fires a clothing item. Yeah. I don't even know what these looked like. Like, I mean, I know the thrill. I don't know it firsthand, but I can imagine the thrill of catching something that's been thrown from the court.

I never caught a fall ball. I've never caught it. I've never caught anything. From the court. I never caught a fall ball. I've never caught anything. But I feel like once you got that T-shirt in your hands, and it's not even – I bet it's not even from the team store. Okay. It's probably the one you get for signing up for a credit card.

My buddy Matty is like a lifelong fan. Yeah. And I asked him like, oh, what do these T-shirts actually look like? He's like, when I was a kid – Yeah. Granted, it might be a different policy now. He was like 12 or something. It's like when I caught one of these when I was 12, and it was just a blank T-shirt with the Ocean Spray logo on the sleeve.

What? Just Ocean Spray cranberry juice. It's just whoever has T-shirts lying around just gives them to the team and just lets them rocket it out. Oh, I thought they were all Clippers shirts. I don't know what these were, but that was his experience with getting an Ocean Spray sleeve shirt. He is describing a Clippers game, but he might as well be describing an assembly at the boys club

that I went to as a small child. He's like, here, someone donated these. It's just some shit. Like the time that I finished second in the costume contest and I got a flat of Diet 7 Up and a flat of Carnation Instant Breakfast. Alright, let me

hear you Clippers fans. These shirts are irregular! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Who wants to see a preview screening of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids 2! Open your mouths, because we're going to

fire a hose of cream of mushroom soup! Y'all ready for this? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. The great questions of your life. The great questions of your life. Should you put ketchup on a hot dog? La, la, la, la, la, la. Mark and Hal always reach the definitive answer. Simply listen to We Got This with Mark and Hal every Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific on Maximum Fun. We Got This. Your better self is right around the corner.

Namaste. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, length of Santana's smooth that you can play on a podcast and not get sued. Probably like five seconds or something. Well, let's count. One, two, three, four, five. Yeah, it was about five. About five seconds of Santana. And Rob Thomas' smooth. That would mean to remove Rob Thomas from the equation.

He's an important part of that hit. Yeah, from the hit album Supernatural. That's the one. Jonathan Van Ness joined us from the equation. He's an important part of that hit. Yeah, from the hit album Supernatural. That's the one. Jonathan Van Ness joined us on the show. I'm just reminding you of things because you lost your memory. Yeah, yeah. It's helping me. I also, no, thank you for saying that because I also,

in addition to losing my memory, forgot the premise of this episode. Right. So thank you for- Well, I mean, smooth is a real earworm. Yeah, it really is. It would take a lot of coconuts to forget that one. Yeah. Yeah.

So Jonathan... Jonathan... No, you, Jordan, told us and Jonathan a story about having ripped your pants on the way to a party. I don't think that would happen. And as far as I know, I'm a pretty cool dude. Well, you're hot right now because we're on a tropical island. That's right.

And covered in all this krill. It breathes, but it over-insulates. Yeah. Let's take a listen. I'm kind of already not into going to this housewarming party, but I'm doing it because it's a good friend. It's a good friend, and I know that I would be on a little bit of a shit list if I didn't show up. Right. And I know that I would be on a little bit of a shit list if I didn't show up.

Right. So I'm driving in the valley. And I'm just driving and just moved my leg a little bit. Just normal leg move. Not because of anything. And then my pants rip all the way open from the crotch. Like just it's now. This is still in the car? This is still in the car this is still in the car so just a simple just an airing out you're just trying to do an airing just a shift and there was a comical like

the pants just exploded but when you say a shift you don't mean a transmission shift you mean a shift of your area my weight from you know from just just maybe trying to get it trying to get a ball off a seat. Yeah. You don't want to get sticky. Because you get like that stomach ache when you've been sitting on one for too long. Yes. I don't want that. Yeah.

I don't need that. I've got pleasantries to make. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, okay, well, I can go home at this point. But if I go home, I'm not going to this party. These pants are coming off. Kimmy Schmidt's getting on the tv right and i am conking out around 10 oh i love that i just assumed you were gonna say beating

it to jane krakowski yeah i mean you know yeah i'm not too proud no she's a beautiful woman very funny great singer yeah um so i okay so he i so i pulled over and just did a quick yelp as to Yeah. So, okay. So I pulled over and just did a quick yelp as to what was around me. Right. Three things were within a mile. This is like being on a road trip and going to the Walmart to get yourself some swim trunks. Yeah. So, yeah.

So basically what's around, we got an American apparel, we got an Urban Outfitters, we got a Gap. That's not a bad selection. Good choice, eh? It's pretty good, right? Considering you're in Toluca Lake or whatever, that's really you could do a lot worse. Absolutely. So, you know. You can get yourself some low quality basics. It's a sign.

Yeah. So, I chose the Gap. Because you're pretty rich. Yeah. You know, I'm like, okay. I mean, I'm not making Urban Outfitters money. Right. But I'm certainly making Gap money.

Right. I go into the Gap and I am walking like, speaking of racism, I am walking like a, like a 50s cartoon of a geisha. Uh-huh. Can you picture this walk? Yeah. It's like a little. Like a little.

But that's, I'm just walking like that so people don't see my penis. Right. Wait, would your penis act... You're gigantic. It's huge. Huge. Private part that you're hiding. That's the one.

Yes. You weren't wearing undie pants? I was wearing undie pants. I was just being colorful. Okay. For the sake of the podcast. Got it. You were just throwing a little spice.

Throwing a little spice. A little something for the ladies. A little cumin. Mm-hmm. A little cumin for the ladies. Yeah. For their pussies. Ow.

Yeah, a little pussy cumin. Ouch. I'm going to be cumin before long. Oh, this show is very fun. This is a very fun show. Jonathan, this is a very fun show. Guys, that was such a joke right there. I didn't even see it coming.

Slayed. Slayed. Yeah. So anyway. So you're geisha walking 1950s style. So I'm geisha walking. I go up to the pants, the pile of pants. And I found some that looked very similar to the ones that had ripped.

Thank God. Oh, really? What are we talking about at Corduroy? This is a Chino. I knew it was a flat front Chino. I knew it was. I knew it was. I knew it was.

So then what happened? So this is from the Bonobos website. Okay. Is that bonobos.com? That's the one. Got it. Put in an offer code. No, they don't sponsor us.

Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah, and the pants ripped in the car. They were old. I got a lot of wear out of these. They were nice pants. Yeah. Find a Chino, flat front chino.

Yeah. Try them on. Tapered or straight fit? Straight fit. Got it. Try them on. Yeah. And I have never had good luck with Gap clothes going back to childhood.

Right. A popular birthday gift for me was a Gap shirt. And it was always just like a weird tarp that I was wearing, a weird shirt tarp. Popular among people that were giving it to you, not popular for you. No, yes, exactly. This was a common thing for a mom or an aunt to get me. My friend Evan Larson in elementary school, every Christmas, just got Gap socks. Just so many fucking Gap socks.

Sure. You know how Gap had all those colorful socks? Oh, yeah. He'd get all those fucking socks. Mm-hmm. You know what? You know what? I'm all those colorful socks? Oh, yeah. He'd get all those fucking socks. Mm-hmm. You know what? You know what? I'm going to do.

Jordan knows. Jonathan, you want to know what eight-year-old heterosexual boys do not like? What? Colorful socks from the Gap. That's the last fucking thing they want. The last fucking thing. You want a transformer. Yeah, exactly.

So, I found these. I try them transformer. Yeah, exactly. So I found these. I try them on. Yeah. You know, I don't have time to get these tailored. I'm going to have to wear these right to the party. Right. There's no alterations on hand at the camp while you wait. This is off the rack the best fitting pair of pants I have ever tried on in my life.

Wow. They just fit fucking perfectly in the dressing room. Even with your giant deck? Yeah. It's like there was a little pouch for it. Because look, a lot of pants fit me off the rack, but I have a tiny deck. Sure. So I guess my question for you is, is it normal for you to find junk room in a standard off the rack or do you have to get it altered?

Well, I think that, yeah, I mean, absolutely. I'm having them add a pouch, a gap, if you will. Got it. Into the pants. Got it. These came with it. And it fell right into the gap? Absolutely.

Got it. And then I started swing dancing. Remember those? Yeah. Anyway. Sure. It was a real khaki not swing situation because your penis was under control. So these pants fit great.

I'm thrilled. I put on my ripped pants again. My strategy is to tell the lady I'm going to buy the pants and then I'm going to just quietly explain what has happened. I'm going to go back in the dressing room, change into the pants, you know, throw the other ones out. Right. So I go out of the dressing room, grab a blue pair.

Right. Fucking why not, right? Right. You can dress this up, dress him down. Right, sure. Chino's a wonderful clothes. I am dying for what happens in this story. What happens? So I get to the front and I'm about to explain to the lady what went on.

And she recognized me from when I was on at midnight. And I, it's just like, Oh, you've been on. And I'm like, yeah. Um,

anyway, Hey, I'm going to buy these, but I'm going to need to change into them. And she very earnestly looked me in the eye. It's a nice lady, you know, 23,

24. She looks me in the eye and says, have you soiled yourself? A lot of people come in here after they've soiled themselves. I said, no, but I ripped them. And she's like, that's fine. So I change the pants, give them to her. She throws them out.

Very nice. It was a great experience. As far as I know, she didn't tweet about it or anything afterwards. But people go into the gap after they piss themselves to buy new clothes. All the time. Soiled means poop. Does it? I think so.

I was thinking pee-pee. I think in this case we're talking about a classic spike poop. Wow. Yeah. I mean, soiled is very indicative of shat. Sure. I worked in the Macy's Young Women's, not Women's Collections is what I worked in, which was like, no, it wasn't called that. that. It was like the hip young adult.

But not like the teen. Not the teen section. Not like the gown section. But like the hip adult women section. Yeah. I don't think one person came in there who'd shit their pants. Huh. That you know of. Unless they were talking to my colleagues because

they were intimidated by my mask musk. Hmm. Might be. But yeah, I mean, maybe that's just like what happens in Toluca Lake. Maybe that it's a, you know, you're out there. Oh, you think that's a classic tea lake situation? Could be. I think that's curious that you would like, I have shot my pants before and I never continued like in my journey. Right.

I definitely like went the fuck home yeah right that's a situation to be addressed at home yeah for sure yeah yeah for sure i mean both times were really traumatic two times yeah as an adult wow do you get i would do you want to tell us the circumstances surrounding the show well yeah so well um but what learned from, I used to love kombucha tea, like synergy kombucha tea. I can't have it anymore. It turns me straight into the worst mess of a person. Literally. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like I bridesmaids it. That's why I can't drink coffee with chili in it anymore. Oh my gosh. Who can? Yeah. Yeah. I had like a kombucha tea with like a spinach salad

with like seafood and goat cheese. And then I took like five bong rips and then I was like, and then I was like, let's get Yogurtland. And then we got Yogurtland. And then I was like, you know, I don't feel good.

I was like, I'm going to go ahead and skedaddle on home. Yeah. And I got like four blocks away from my friend's apartment. It was actually an Olympic and Bundy. And all of a sudden I realized, I thought I was crying, but then I realized I was sweating.

Oh. And then I was like, oh, my God. I was like, if I relax in my midsection. Sure. It'll just come spilling out. Everywhere. You have to focus on your core. Yeah, but I didn't realize.

Like, I didn't realize that the reason I was sweat crying was because my entire body was in seizure. I was so clenched. Yeah. And I'm like, but I don't live until Culver City. Right. And I'm on Olympic. And for people who don't live in Los Angeles, that's quite a ways to go while still clenching. You're miles.

You're miles. Long clench. That's a long clench. So I turned green. I pooped my pants. And then I had to drive home. And it was so traumatic because every time I had to turn left or right, I could feel it. Yeah.

I was also in my new Lululemon tights, which, as we all know, are not cheap. No. Wow. And that does not seem like a great. No. If I'm pooping myself. You don't want tights. Which I'm not.

I don't mean to be rude. I'm not saying that I'm better than you. But if I'm pooping myself, I want something that is a closed environment, but not a tight environment. Yeah, very tight. Very north. Yeah.

Northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest. Very much everywhere. Yeah. And then the worst part was, so when I get home, I'm like, thank God it's like 11 o'clock at night. No one's going to be home. A whole apartment

block party. Like, all outside my apartment. So you have to make your way through party dudes. Did you guys ever see a scary movie where Anna Faris would be like, I'm not crazy. And then she like,

runs out of the room like, with her arms all crazy. That was how I ran up the stairs. Like, crying with poop all over Lululemon tights. Wow. It didn't occur to you

to just like, play it cool through the crowd. You're like, let's... I was so upset that they were all there. Yeah.

So I really broke dishes. Jeez. The whole way up. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan. Hmm? Do you remember watching the movie Taken? Vaguely.

I mean, some sort of, you know, kind of low budget cash grab for an actor who normally does prestige pictures. And it kind of set off a kind of a, you know, second or third part of his career where he was an action star despite being well into his 50s. Taken? How about this? Yeah. Let's play a clip from episode 428 of the show with Rob Kuttner, comedy writer Rob Kuttner, and see what you had to say about it way back then. I'm starting to understand Jesse's ideal space documentary.

First of all, it's an hour long. And it's just Patrick Stewart saying, and now John Glenn's getting it in the nuts. And now he's dropped his food tray and it's swirling through the void. It's basically America's Funniest Home Videos with a more austere narration. It's literally that. Oh, looks like Mr. Glenn's about to take it in his white dwarves. Who was it? Some kind of fucking nerd. I was doing a Robin Williams voice, by like Mr. Glenn's about to take it in his white dwarves. Who was it? Some kind of fucking nerd.

I was doing a Robin Williams voice, by the way. Oh, look out. Oh, yes. Got him. Look out, Mr. Glenn. Don't be afraid. You know who would be a great person to narrate my ideal space documentary? Is it?

Ray Romano. Oh, no. I was going to say- That's my Ray Romano. I was going to say Liam Neeson doing an American Ex? Oh, no. That's my Ray Romano. I was going to say Liam Neeson doing an American accent. Oh, sure. Yeah. Your legendary, most beloved signature character. Are you prompting me to do?

This is like inside the actor's studio. Is Liam Neeson doing an American accent here, Jordan? I don't know, Jesse. I'll see if I can get him for you. Hey, Liam, you want to do a weird American accent? I don't know, Jesse. I'll see if I can get him for you. Hey, wait a minute. You want to do a weird American accent? I don't know. Okay.

Can you do it? I'm on Inside the Actor's Studio. Yeah. Jesse Thornhouse sitting out with us, not hosted by that guy. The bald guy. They got a new bald guy. The other guy won a Peabody and took off. Another guy.

This other guy with no Peabody to host it. Yeah, okay. Yeah, hi, it's me, Liam Neeson from Brooklyn, New York. Yeah, that's right. Good old boy from Brooklyn, uh-huh. Yeah, well, looks like these spacemen are goofing around up there. I hope he doesn't take a lacrosse ball in his white dwarves. Yeah, uh-huh.

They're playing space lacrosse. in his white dwarves. Yeah, uh-huh. They're playing space lacrosse. Thank you. Thank you. After which, Leeson gets a call and says, give back my dialect coach. And daughter. Also, dialect coach first, comma daughter. Yeah, give me that. Jordan. Jordan.

Hmm? I think this qualifies as an emergency. Yeah, I mean, certainly. We're on an island. We're stranded on this island. The whales are circling. The lions are off somewhere in the distance. Yeah.

Coconuts are falling everywhere. Santana and Rob Thomas' smooth is being piped in randomly for five second intervals. One, two, three, four, five. Yeah, there we go. That's about it. So, yeah, I mean, we are in dire straits. Do you even remember what to do when an emergency happens? Boy, I sure don't.

I wish there was a helpful acronym based on a misunderstanding. Well, let's listen to episode 431 with comedian Hampton Yount and find out. And just like when it comes to strokes, just remember our catchphrase, Garabba. G, get help. Have fun with it. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A, Assess the situation. R. Read up

on it. A. Assess the situation again. B. Be kind to yourself. And A. Assess the situation. Never have sex. I'm going to provoke strokes. Garabba, baby. Garabba.

Jordan. Yes. baby. Carolla. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan. Yes. Jordan. Mm-hmm. Let's create dank memes. Oh, good. You think that'll help me get my memory back?

Okay. Well, I think with episode 432 with Daniel Van Kirk and episode 433 with Brian Heater, we created quite a few dank memes. Okay, I'd like to hear about that. Well, I'll press play on this mini disc player. Sorry, that was Santana's move. Okay, now play the clip. Got it.

I will say this. If we were all 9 to 11 years old, never forget 9 to 11. We would. It's a really important age group. Let's never forget them. A lot of important developmental things are going on in that zone. A lot of people aspire to be firefighters, police officers, FBI agents. Sure, first responders. Yeah, from that age.

Torturers. Sure. And it's a really great age to just concentrate on some inside jobs. I agree. Really like. I agree. I agree. That is the perfect age for jet fuel not to be able to melt steel.

Jet fuel can't melt steel tweens. That's when you realize that. That's when, that's the age when you, that becomes something you know. And you get your first sort of self-conscious boners. Hey, hey, weird, if there's any weird Twitter people listening, I'm talking to you, wolf pupae. I think you could put up a picture of that dead gorilla with the caption, jet fuel can't melt steel tweeds. And it would be very on brand for you. Yeah.

So that's a free one for you, weird Twitter. Free memes. Free memes. Dank meme. Maybe some sunglasses could go onto the gorilla's face. I'm walking my double D's. Okay.

Coco and Sissy. Sure. And of course, D's. You're D's nuts. Yeah. For the folks listening at home, Jesse pointed to Doe's nuts. Yeah.

Doe's nuts, though. Mm-hmm. Should we bring that in? Doe's nuts, though. Should that be a meme that millennials like? Oh, man. I mean, I think, listen, I think last week we had a big millennial meme hit with Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Tweens. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I think why not, let's keep this meme train a-chuggin'. Those nuts, though. Along the road to Danksville. Yeah. Yeah, those nuts, though. What should that be, what sort of image should that be on top of? Last week, I think... Cool Keith, I guess, right? Yeah, maybe. I mean, it has to be...

What about Cool Keith in, like, Dr. Octogynocologist outfit, but with crying Jordan's face? Crying Jordan is pretty good. I mean, last week we did it on Harambe, RIP. Yeah, RIP. The ape who was taken too soon. Right. The noble ape, justice for Harambe.

Right. So, I mean, I think you need an unrelated internet thing. If we want to keep the- What about that picture of Kermit the Frog playing the banjo? Yeah, that's good. Those nuts, though. I like it. That's fun.

I like it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan. Hmm? Do you remember the most genial and talented man in all of podcasting? I mean, you're probably talking about Dave Holmes, former MTV VJ, current author and host of most television programs. Yeah, not to mention the podcast International Waters. That's the one. Which is one that is perfectly appropriate to our situation. Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy, because we are sure in those. Yeah, well, let's listen. I mean, we're more in hot international waters. Let's listen to a conversation from episode 436 of Jordan, Jessica, with Dave. Yeah, Macklemore's going to be there. Ryan Lewis cannot be there. That's fine. Very indecreasingly superfluous to the Macklemore and Ryan Lewis cannot be there. That's fine. Very indiscretely. Increasingly superfluous to the Macklemore and Ryan Lewis experience.

There's a real open question as to who's going to stand behind Macklemore silently. But, you know, we've got some options. Sure. We've got options. Angeline's looking for work. Yeah. We're thinking about maybe getting Joe Biden. Great. maybe getting Joe Biden. Do you think Brian Lewis would be less, would be considered more

of a collaborator and less of a punchline if he just had changed his name to like Duke Goobler or something? Like, oh, it's Macklemore and Duke Goobler. Like, hey, there's those two guys with those names. Like, he mistakenly just had

a guy's name. Yeah. Yeah, I'll buy that. Jordan, I know that we got this Garabba t-shirt going on, but can we make a t-shirt that just says Duke Goobler? I guess. Can we? I'm done with Chip Dipson and Dip Dobson. Can we just be all about Duke Goobler? Yeah, I guess.

Okay, that was a lot of fun yeah i think i'm slowly starting to remember more things about myself what about steve agee do you remember anything about steve agee oh beloved comic and uh guy who we could always call to come on the show if someone cancels. Yeah, because he's just hanging out vaping weed. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Sometimes he'll let you vape a little bit of that weed. Yeah, he'll let you vape his weed. Yeah. No doubt about it.

He's not going to Bogart that vape. No, not at all. Well, when the movie Suicide Squad was in theaters, the three of us tried to remember all the members of the Suicide Squad. And again, I can't remember a lot of my recent life, but that was a really good movie, right? Like it looked like it was going to be good and then it was? Yeah, it really delivered on our hopes and expectations that it would be really good. It was a sort of dark take on the superhero genre. Oh, it's about time because, you know, comic books just aren't kid stuff anymore.

Let's take a listen. By the way, have you guys heard about the Suicide Squad? Mm-hmm. It's all the bad guys from the Joker to a variety of others. Harley Quinn. Joker.

Harley Quinn. And then people we care about. Will Smith. As much as them. Pol Pot. He's playing the Fresh Prince. He plays the Fresh Prince.

Famous DC, famous Flash villain, the Fresh Prince. I think, okay, can we name all the members? There's, what, six Suicide Squads? Easily. Yeah. I think there's more, but.

Okay, so first of all, you have the Joker. We're talking about the ones that appear in the movie, not every member of the Suicide Squad since the comic was being published. Yeah, we're talking about the filmic Suicide Squad. For the movie. So number one, Joker. Number two, Joker's- Hold on, I just want to draw the parameters. Right.

Can these be government agents involved with assembling the Suicide Squad? Are these members of- You mean like a Nick Fury version of- Yeah, I'm speaking specifically of Amanda the Wall Waller. Or an Agent Carter. Yeah. Yeah, I think we can include Amanda the Wall Waller. Or an Agent Carter. Yeah. Yeah, I think we can include Amanda the Wall Waller. Okay.

That's a talking walrus, right? Yes. Yeah. They call her the wall. So we've got- Joker. Number one, we've got Amanda the Wall Waller. Sure.

We've got Joker. The Joker. We've got Joker. Uh-huh.oker we've got joker uh joker's girlfriend harley harley quinn okay you got the fresh prince of bel-air yeah yeah carlton the brown note he's that dc villain that makes you shit your pants The brown note. He's that DC villain that makes you shit your pants. He embarrasses Bruce Wayne at galas. He has a really low voice.

Oh, is that the brown note that is in all those, when a cool thing happens in a movie trailer? That's brown note? Yeah. Blah. Yeah, from Inception. in a movie trailer, that's brown note? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, from Inception. Oh, okay. That's the brown note. We haven't got them all.

I mean, we're having fun here, but we haven't got them all. I'm sure we should. We got Dwayne Wayne from A Different World. Yeah. Got those sunglasses that flip down. Who else have we got? I think we got them all. The London Fog.

The London Fog, yeah. Alex Rodriguez. Mm-hmm. Yankeesog. The London Fog, yeah. Alex Rodriguez. Mm-hmm. Yankees legend. Yeah. Hillside Strangler. Yeah. Dikembe Mutombo.

Mm-hmm. The McMartin Preschool. And Air Bud. Brain Ape. Brain Ape. It's an ape with a lot of brains. Brain Ape. It's an ape with a lot of brains. It's got huge brainy head. I think it's just got a standard size.

Yeah. It's just relatively bright for an ape. And you got Black Einstein. Black Einstein, yeah. Gene, Gene the Dance Machine. Car Liker. The guy who likes cars pretty well. Yeah.

I think we got all six right. No, I think we only got four. Oh, yeah. We only did got four. The Human Anchovy. Sure. Manchovy. the human anchovy.

Sure. Manchovy. Manchovy. You're so bad, dude. Manchovy, the human anchovy. You're so bad. What's crazy is you could never imagine Manchovy going good. No. Okay, because that guy is a force for darkness in the universe.

He pisses on your pizza. Some of the Suicide Squad, you can see them. Dwayne Wayne, you could see him going good. Easy Cheese, you could see him going good. Like, he's a bad guy, but he's sort of on the in the middle. And of course, Fartster. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

And then the two of you, you and Steve Agee Jordan, got really sensual. Do you remember how sensual you were? I mean, maybe. I mean, was it as sensual as Santana and Rob Thomas' hit song, Smooth? One, two, three, four, five. And out. Yeah, let's take a listen. Can I talk to all the ladies for a second?

I would love to hear Jordan. Real quick, can you holler at the ladies in the Jordan Pesci Go audience right now? Let it go, Jake. Hey girls, whether you're human, cyborg, part of some sort of borg-like collective, whether you're human, cyborg, part of some sort of Borg-like collective.

Whether you're a ball of pure energy. Sure. I think you're brave. Yeah. I think you are strong. Yeah. And I think you are beautiful just like you are. And don't listen to all these fashion magazines and all these television sitcoms

that tell you you need to be a certain size, a size negative zero to be beautiful. Tell it. Tell it, Jordan. Not everybody is a sample size. You just live your truth. Right. And to me, that's beautiful. Jordan Morris laying it out.

Yum, yum. Jordan. Yeah. Can I tell you, this is just like something that I like to live by. Sure. And this is certainly for the ladies out there. Oh, yeah, Jesse. But I don't.

Steve, your R&B breakdown voice is great. Give it up, Jesse. Let's hear it. I just want to say that real balls of pure energy have curse. Sure. No matter what the magazines tell you. Yeah. Jesse loves curse.

You know who I wish was with us on this desert island? Hmm. I'll give you a hint. Yeah. It rhymes with Batrick Warfurtin. Does it rhyme with Batrick Warfurtin? It does. Well, I mean...

It's Matrick Warfurtin. So, I mean, if we do, you know, if what we're getting at is we'd like, you know, character actor Patrick Warburton to be here. I mean, obviously he can't because he's off doing the voices for most cartoon characters. And filming commercials for most rental car agencies. Yeah. If only some people could do impressions of him. Really good, accurate impressions. Hey, Jordan, give me one of those coconuts.

It's like he's here. I like to drink the water from inside. It's like he's here. Yeah, give me one of those coconuts. I sleep inside. He sleeps inside. Like, the thing that I would go on Twitter to complain about ruining my childhood if you

recast it with all women is just patrick warburton going yeah i'm evil dave dave i'm evil that's right dave i'm evil yeah dave dave that's right dave dave dave dave dave dave hey dave dave dave hey joe rogan joe i don't remember any of their characters yeah who's andy dandy alex is that Dave. Dave. Dave. Hey, Dave. Dave. Dave. Hey, Joe Rogan. That's right. Joe. I don't remember any of their characters. Yeah. Who's Andy Day? Candy Alex. Is that on Netflix? That's on some weird fucking thing. I miss news radio. News radio is funny as shit. Was and was. Yeah.

It's one of those things that comes and goes from Netflix inexplicably. Yeah. It might not be on there. That's right. We're on Netflix. You know, it's on like Ovation stream or some shit right now, you know? Like something that you're like, what even what? It's on 4chan. Yeah. If something momentous happens

to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. You guys want to say any more stuff in a putty voice real quick? Yeah, just call the number. That's right, you call it. Yeah. Dave. Just go ahead and call the number. That's right, you call it. Yeah. Dave. Just go ahead and call the number. Hey, Dave.

Call it. I just put the salad dressing in my mouth. Yeah, I'm crippled. This is him asking for salad dressing in his mouth. Hey, Peter. Hey, Peter. That's against the law. Giggity, giggity.

It's me, Stewie. Brian the dog. I'm a talking dog. I'm a talking dog. Oh, gag-preparing eye. Hey, check out these Disney princesses that can't even. Look over here. Get on these swings that you can go do anywhere. It's a California adventure.

Fly around. Fly around on these swings. Look out, that golf ball's going to hit you. I thought we were going to do Warburton reading BuzzFeed list titles. That was my proposed next bit. 19 times pizza wrap made you cry. There you go. Pizza wrap.

My name is Pizza and I'm here to say. Watch these Korean girls try Irish snacks for the first time Do you want to jerk it off to this? Why do we do these? Why do you want to Watch a Korean girl eat an Irish snack Fucking weirdos We hired this guy To be an investigative reporter.

He's doing real investigative reports for BuzzFeed. It's a pretty good writing on this subtype. Yeah. It's the politics guy. Take this quiz and see which one of the Powerpuff Girls you would eat on a deserted island. Oh, I got bubbles. I had to dismember and eat bubbles. Number five will shock you.

Gonna eat bubbles. Hey, bubbles, come here and get eaten. Our producer is Brian Fernandez, out there in London, England, home of the London Olympics. Jolly old London. London, England. Why are these policemen wearing these hats? I'm gonna get those bobbies. I'm evil, England. Why are these policemen wearing these hats? I'm going to get those bobbies.

I'm evil, Dave. Dave, I'm evil. Enjoy this 80 degree beer. Oh, good. Room temperature, perfect. That's exactly how I want to drink something. What a great country. What the hell is that lady, a queen?

Hey, that's queen. Can't wait to have a plate of boiled food for breakfast. One of the classiest guests we had this year on Jordan, Jesse Goh was Jonathan Ames, the acclaimed literary writer. Why would a novelist come on the show? Oh, he's stooped to television. Oh, okay. It seems like it would be damaging to his brand. Well, previously, but now that he's stooped to television, he can only burnish his brand, television being the lowest medium.

Sure, so he's just careening toward Earth from the pedestal at which he once sat upon. Exactly. Just hanging out there with Jonathan Lethem. Oh, boy. Whatever. Zadie Smith. Just hanging out there having brunches. I bet that's what they're doing up there on those pedestals.

Poached eggs going bird watching with Michael Chabon. Poof. Chuh. Those novelists love that shit. Anyway, he came on our show. Let's listen. Hulk would be a very dramatic lover. Wouldn't that be the whole thing?

The Hulk, he gets all enraged. Yeah, passionate. I mean, how could he be not? Wouldn't that be the lure? Do you think? Was the drama? No, you're right. I think you are poking holes in my bit, Jonathan.

Okay, I thought maybe you were covering up for what really happened. No, no, yeah. Right. I think you were poking holes in my bit, Jonathan. Okay. I thought maybe you were covering up for what really happened. No, yeah. Right. I think that, right, it is a funny idea thinking of making love to the Hulk or just, you know, like courting the Hulk and him just like, would you like to go to the farmer's market? But I think it makes for a nice visual, a little human riding on his back somehow. Oh, I would love to ride the Hulk. Farmer's market. Jordan, would you like to rent a paddle boat? Oh, that sounds delightful. Can I ask you a question, Jordan, sincerely?

Please. I don't know if you dated exclusively the Hulk or if you also saw David Banner. Bruce Banner? Bruce Banner? Yeah. Oh, David Banner is what he was called on the TV show. Oh, okay. That's what David Banner the Rat Man is named after.

Sorry. Bruce Banner, if you also dated Bruce Banner. But do you think that Bruce, maybe you know, can Bruce Banner become engorged without hulking out? Yeah, I think that is part of, I mean, obviously, like, you know, superhero comics have to, you know, you can't get too dirty. Right. But I do think that. They can show a hard-on, but they can't show penetration. Right, exactly.

It's like a playgirl. You can show a half-chub. Right. That's why Daredevil's always got a half- chub. Right. That's why Daredevil's always got a half chub. Right. That's what he's famous for. But I think that is part of Hulk lore is that's why, you know, that's why relationships are tough. That's why he's kind of a loner is because I think part of that includes when you get sexually excited, you know, the Hulk comes out.

Oh, yeah. Didn't he sue Gawker? Yeah, he did. For just this kind of conversation. Exactly. Uh-oh. I had a conversation with a dominatrix. This is not while I was being dominated. This was a casual conversation in a group setting.

Group therapy. Group therapy. Jordan goes to BDSM group therapy. Yeah, we meet in a church basement. I'm unhappy. Pow! Sure. And she told me that she was what they call in the BDSM community a switch, meaning that she could be a dom or a sub. So if you want a hard spanking dominatrix, she can do it. If you want a naughty schoolgirl, she does that. A turkey and cheese sub.

Sure. Oh, God, I would love a turkey and cheese sub right about now. She should make one of those. You want an Orange Julius. She can either spank you or make you an incredible sub. Oh, boy. She calls it a hoagie. Why not both?

Yeah, right. It's a regional thing. It's called a Hulk hoagie. You know, I had heard Hulk bragging about his hoagie, and it turned out to be quite small. Right. Probably because it took steroids, right, and it got all shrunk down. Oh, yeah. No, maybe.

It's a good possibility. I'm sure that's what it is. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Now, Jordan. Hmm. We can only play five seconds of Santana's Smooth. Legally. One, two, three, four, five.

That's it. However, we can make as many song parodies as we want. And Ian Carmel really helped us out in episode 454 jesse i want to i want you i want to introduce yourself i guess i just don't believe and what i want to see from you what i want to see i don't think i can do it jordan i don't think i can do it close your eyes and think about the most committed performers they are people who do youtube parody songs okay Okay? Yeah, okay. Somewhere out there, there's a fucking good-looking Mormon family. Uh-huh.

The dad was in theater school. Right. Dropped out when the wife got pregnant. Yeah. But fucking a couple times a year, he wrangles the family to do a song parody. Right. He's in great shape.

She's in great shape. They both have pretty good voices. Their kids don't want to be there. But they parody. Right. He's in great shape. She's in great shape. They both have pretty good voices. Their kids don't want to be there. But they are. Right. And they fucking belt out. Uh-huh. An amazing parody.

Uh-huh. Of Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe. Right. Called Call Me Gravy. Uh-huh. They fucking drop that shit just in time for Thanksgiving. Right. Everybody forwards it. This is me.

This is my family. OMG. So cute. You're committed. Jesse Thorne, introduce yourself like you are a fucking obnoxious YouTube parody family. Can I just imagine Daniel Day-Lewis learning how to make shoes? That's fine, too. That's fine, too.

Becoming a cobbler? Whatever your, whoever your commitment spirit animal is. Okay, we're just going to start completely over? Yeah. Brian, cut this out. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the monster. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Hey, our guest is here, Jordan. You know him as a stand-up comic, beloved stand-up comic. You know him as a successful television comedy writer on The Late Late Show with James Corden. His name? Ian Carmel. Hey, I just met

you. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Hey, I just ate lunch, and this is crazy, but I'm still hungry. So call me gravy. So pass that gravy. Pass that gravy is better. It's hard to eat, but.

I need some moisture. My mouth's so dry. So pass that gravy. Before I had this turkey, I was so hungry. I was so hungry. I was so hungry. I don't know the rest of the song, though. The original. That was amazingly good. I was so hungry. I was so hungry. I don't know the rest of the song, though. That was amazingly good.

Thank you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Jordan, do you remember the holidays? Yeah, I mean, they're full of beloved characters, right? Rudolph, Frosty, Parson Brown, Jingle Horse. Grandma, who was run over by the reindeer. Exactly. And you added-

Krampus, Shadow Jew. And you added- Some racist shit from Denmark, probably. You added a new character to the mix. Your famous Christmas misogynist on episode 456 with our friend Brian Husky. This is for the fellas in the audience. So ladies. Why can't the ladies look a little more pretty on Christmas?

Thank you. I know. I want a present. Let me see something. There's a couple presents I'd like to unwrap. Dump them out, ladies. Ooh, I like this character. The Christmas misogynist?

Yeah, that's right. Merry Christmas, dump them out. Dump them out. And this is something that a woman could do. I want to be fucking all the way till Three Kings Day. There's 12 days of Christmas. Let me get in that ass. Yeah.

Let me get in that ass. That's good. It's nice to have Patrick Warburton here on this island with us, Jordan. Yeah. Oh, what was that, Patrick? Hey, Jordan. Trying to build myself a raft. I better eat crabs.

I gotta eat crabs. He loves to eat crabs. I usually eat these in cakes. I just pick them up out of the sand and put them in my mouth. I don't eat crabs. They're crunchy little devils. Probably exoskeleton. Probably exoskeleton. Probably exoskeleton.

Well, there was one actor that I genuinely and truly wish had come on this island with us. And would come with us. I like it when we all come at the same time. That's nice. That's, of course... You don't got to do a bunch of extra work after, you know? The great Sam Elliott. And he came up on episode 457 with Janine Brito. Do you think Sam Elliott is powerful enough to narrate mustache rides as he's giving them?

Oh, boy. Do you think he can go to town and throw his voice so that while you're enjoying that incredible journey, you get the voiceover accompaniment? That would be nice. You have a truly beautiful clitoris. I've seen a lot of clitorises in my time. Ginny, was your Thanksgiving okay? I was taken in by some friends. My friend Zahra Norbosh, very funny Muslim comedian, and her husband Duncan.

And we did two Thanksgivings. So the first half was Duncan's family and the second half was Zara's family. And Persian Thanksgiving had five different sauces. Whoa. So I was in heaven. Food is a vehicle for sauce. Sure. And I was like, whoo.

It was gravy, classic gravy. That's more sauces than you're getting with like an app platter at TGI Fridays. Yeah. It was so good. Now, were these pouring or dipping sauces? Pouring. Pouring. Pouring sauces.

A few chutneys. Were there any pouring sauces? How are you going to want to go to the wet spot for that? Where was the spot? Maybe that's what they mean at the strip club, just that they have a lot of nice sauces available. Oh. I should hope. Blue cheese.

A nice tahini. Barbecue honey mustard. Yeah. It's okay. You're getting five sauces. Five sauces. For pouring. God, I am with you, man.

When I have a sauce variety, I'm like, this meal is a success. Yeah. Fantastic. When I have a sauce variety, I'm like, this meal is a success. Well, what's nice about going to a friend's Thanksgiving that comes from a non-European cultural tradition or even a recently immigrated European cultural tradition is that you often get a set of traditional Thanksgiving foods with a second set of culturally specific Thanksgiving foods. I went to a Filipino Thanksgiving. It was full of amazing foods. You have a full Thanksgiving dinner plus a second full Filipino Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. That's what you want.

Well, guys, sounds like Thanksgiving was great for everybody but Jesse. The man who had to deal with him on the Amazon customer support line. Hey, sounds like you, listen, memorable. Jordan, I'm going to. It's me, Sam Elliott. I'm going to go ahead and give you a $30 gift certificate. Jordan, that's what I can do for you. I can give you $30.

You haven't already. Check out some episodes of Transparent. It's a really lovely show. If you want to get your puss up on my mustache, go ahead. Plop it down there. Hang on to them hats and glasses. Here's the wildest ride in the universe. I'm going to go ahead and wa wildest ride in the universe. I'm going to. I'm going to go ahead and wave the customary five cent fee.

Just ignore my T-shirt. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. If you love podcasts, comedy, and creativity, and you're looking for some new friends to share them with, why not check out MaxFunCon 2017? looking for some new friends to share them with. Why not check out MaxFunCon 2017? MaxFunCon is a chance to get away from it all, spend a weekend laughing, and return inspired to create amazing things. Join us for MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead in June or MaxFunCon East in the Poconos in September and prepare yourself for one of the best weekends of your life. Tickets are on sale now at maxfuncon.com.

Well, Jordan, we've really summed up all the different ways we've wasted our listeners' lives. Yeah. All the different sand grains that have passed through the hourglass of our listeners' lives over the past year. Hope you're happy, assholes. Well, I've regained my memory. I feel pretty good about where I'm at and ready for another year of podcasting if we

get off this island. Yeah. But apparently we can podcast from the island, so I think that'll be okay. I'm not sure about the logic of this, how this works. I don't know either. Yeah. I'm not sure about the logic of this, how this works. I don't know either. Yeah. I don't honestly recall.

Hey, audience, don't try and figure it out. Wait a minute. There's an ancient battlefield going on around us? Oh, no. Hopefully they don't kill the lions and whales. No, maybe we want that. Yeah. Get rid of those lions and whales.

Yeah. Hey, you know, we've been doing Jordan, Jesse, Go now for ten years. Ten long wasted years. Ten arduous. Right. Intolerable. That's longer than Seinfeld was on the air. Did you remember that movie? And it's weird because this is better.

Do you remember that movie Intolerable Cruelty? Vaguely. Yeah, it starred George Clooney and what's that Welsh lady called? Catherine Zeta-Jones. The lesser but very watchable Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, it's a ton of fun. The original in the shooting script, the title was

Intolerable Cruelty colon Jordan Jesse Go's First Decade. Yeah. But yeah, those studio heads, those fat cats made them Cruelty, colon. Jordan Jesse goes first decade. Yeah. But, yeah, those studio heads, those fat cats, made them remove it because it was confusing. I'm going to pound those fucking fat cats. Yeah. Right in the nards.

Take that. Right in your cat nards. Right in the cat nards. So. You're going to wish you got fixed We actually got a call during our episode with Brian Husky Yeah About a man who got Lyme disease twice over the course of listening to our show

Yeah And it prompted us to ask the listeners How engorged are your tics? How your life has changed since you've been listening to the show. We've collected some calls. Yeah. And I think we're going to end on those. Yeah.

Thanks to everybody who suggested a clip for this year's clip show. And thanks to Brian Sonny D. Fernandez for putting the show together. Thanks to Daniel Baruela for being our guest engineer on this week's program. engineer on this week's program. And most of all, thank you to all of you for supporting us through all the pain and difficulty that it must've caused you to have this show pumped into your ears for these many, many years.

It's been a real trial and we wouldn't have been convicted without you. So thank you for your testimony. You snitches. Once we get out of this, Oh boy, we're going to stab you good. I'm going to pound your nards. Your cat nards. Bye, guys. Bye.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Long time listener calling to let you know how my life has changed since I started listening to you guys 10-ish years ago. I started listening in 2014. I was in 7th grade and now I am 23 years old. My last 8 years that I've listened to you. I first tuned in in 2009. In the last eight years that I've listened to you.

I first tuned in in 2009. In the seven years I've been listening, I've been fired twice, hired thrice, and had a child along the way. I've since had three kids, moved to Boise, Idaho. I've gotten out of three very serious relationships, came out to my family as non-binary, graduated high school, graduated college, and smoked a shit ton of weed. I've graduated college, I've gotten married, I've had two kids. I became polyamorous and my yeast infection cleared up. So I just got married and we closed off the house today. Now I'm halfway through a PhD in information studies, which they used to call library science. I graduated high school, I started smoking pot, I started college, and I've continued to have no sex.

At the time, I was in grad school for computer science, and I've since graduated, and I'm a sculptor at the government documents section of my university library, working there in the basement like an asshole. And now, years and years later, I run my own record store like a real asshole. I used to be in law school. Since then, I've been a public defender, and now I've got my own office with a friend of mine, and I represent people accused of crimes and people who have their kids taken away by CPS. Went to MaxFunCon. I found out that improv comedy wasn't absolutely terrifying.

Could actually get through it. Wasn't any good, but that doesn't matter. Started taking improv comedy classes in Fort Worth, Texas. Started taking them in Dallas, Texas. Started making a podcast. I moved out to Los Angeles and I started working on small film sets for sketch comedy videos and I edited

like 150 YouTube videos and I got paid for some of them and now I edit TV shows which is all I really wanted to do in the first place. When I first started listening to you guys about five years ago I was a drunk barista in an abusive relationship. And now I am three years sober and happily married in a healthy relationship.

And I just graduated from college, shy of 30 years old, super cool loud. And I just got offered a big kid job. Since I started listening to Jordan Desigo, I stopped just listening to things and also started contributing to the arts in my community. I started doing stand-up comedy. I started my own podcast. I started my to the arts in my community. I started doing stand-up comedy. I started my own podcast. I started my own radio show. Got my first real grown-up job.

Lost my virginity. Learned how to drive a car. And learned how to ride a bike. In that order. So, I guess I'm a big boy now. My life is like a thousand times happier now than it was when I first started listening. You guys have gotten me through some great times in my life and some terrible times in my life. Love you guys.

It's a big part of my life, even though we don't know each other. And that seems a little trite and creepy, but it's true. Run through the meadow and scare off the milking cows. Run down the beach, kicking clouds of sand. Walk a windy weather day, peel your face, blow away stuff, and listen, love you. And I also want to apologize to Sunny D for all of the rambling, drunken, overly sexual, momentous occasions that I've called in with over the years. I've called in with over the years.