Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 462: Watch Out Blimps with Laura Swisher

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

New MaxFun Senior Producer Laura Swisher joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's new resolution, Jesse's difficulty getting Ta-Nehisi Coates' Black Panther comic book, and the new slogan for 2017. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Happy New Year, my friend. Happy New Year to you. A good wassail to you. I do not know what a wassail is. And, uh, hey, a special Happy New Year to everybody out there who's already broken their resolutions.

You know what I did? Die Hard's a Christmas movie. This year, I resolved to keep my resolutions so that... Wait a minute. Hold on. This year, I resolved to break my resolutions so that when I broke my resolutions, I wouldn't gain weight. That was good. Can I get some options on that? Can you just do that again, but give me a couple different reads?

Yeah. This year, I went ahead and resolved not to go to the gym because I hate it there. I hate the smell. Okay. Yeah, I think we'll probably use that one, but just do one more for fun. Okay. Is this like a just for me take? This one's just for you. Okay. You're Vince Vaughn. This is Wedding Crashers 2.

Got it. And you're just going to go. Just going and going and going. Yeah. I'm a little locked up. Oh, boy. So just close your eyes and imagine you're crashing a wedding. Right.

Okay. So you need to score with the babes at this wedding, right? Right. Okay. Because you're a wedding crasher. Right. It's what you do. How, are the babes hot?

Oh yeah. Smoking hot. Okay. Jugs for days. Right. Games for miles. Buns for years. Right.

These gals have buns for years, Jesse. Yeah. Like century Jesse. Yeah. Like century buns? Yeah. Or does that mean they've been poached in tea? These are infinite buns. Got it. Can you imagine if we opened a restaurant that had infinite buns?

Yes, it would be great if we would open a restaurant that had infinite buns. Focus up. Okay. Like a bao? Chinese pork bun? That's a great kind of bun. Yeah. So here's what you need to do.

You're a wedding crasher. Right. You got to score with these babes. This is Wedding Crashers 2. This is Wedding Crashers 2. Got it. I don't know if Vince Vaughn gets married or something at the end of Wedding Crashers 1. I forget that movie. If he does, he's been divorced or something.

Yeah. It was a lot of fun, though. Sure. You got to score with these babes. Right. It was a lot of fun, though. Sure. You got to score with these babes. Right. You're a wedding crasher. It's what you do.

Got to score with these hot babes. And there's only one way to do that. What's that? To make a hilarious joke about how people don't keep their New Year's resolutions. Right. Okay. And we're rolling anytime you're ready. I resolve to stop smoking. Gives you cancer. Cool. We'll use the second one. All right. I resolve to stop smoking. It gives you cancer.

Cool. We'll use the second one. All right. Great. Let's introduce our guest on the show, George. I would love to. Our guest is a stand-up comic. She is a television performer.

She is a television producer. She is now Max Fund's most recent employee, our new senior producer, Miss Laura Swisher. Hello. And might I say it's a shame that you're married with a line like that. I was like, oh, that's poor ladies. Slick. Very slick.

Yeah. Well, you know, I got a few tricks up my sleeve, okay? I'm talking about paying for sex. Yeah. Those are some really small tricks. Yeah. You honey-tongued old devil. Here's some money, madam.

I believe you're a prostitute. I'm going to quit smoking. I actually thought of, on the way here, a New Year's resolution that I would like to maintain in the new year. Really? A sincere? A sincere New Year's resolution. Okay. What is it?

No more floppy comic books. No more monthly issues. I'm going to go all trades next year. You're going all trades? All trades. Trade paperbacks or hardbacks if it's something I feel like I want to spend a little bit more on. Is this because you watch too many episodes of Hoarders and you're like, I don't want

to be that person? It's a concern. I don't want to be crushed under my own filth and eaten by my cat, which is a possible future for me, I'll admit. cat which uh would happen is a is a possible future for me i'll admit uh but yeah you know i just i i was looking at my pile of floppies they're building up i'm not reading these things as fast as i used to i'm buying them they're just sitting there collecting dust uh making the house look sadder uh-huh because it's a pile of comic books that's in an adult's house. That's what you call a pile of floppies.

That's what I call dildos. You say, for you, it's comic books. Right. For me. Sure. I just have a pile of them. You know, just get those hardback dildos. Those nice collections.

Laura's got to keep up with her pull list of the dildo shop. Yeah, yeah. You know, and it's great when they do the summertime event dildos where all the dildos get together for one big adventure. It's crossover dildos. Crossover dildos, yeah. Where the rabbit meets the black fist. Yeah. Just thinking of names.

Can I tell you something? Please. I go to the multiplex and I can't believe, I feel like everybody's a dildo nerd now. I know, right? It used to be something special. It used to be, yeah, only certain people. Only with refined taste, and now everybody's an expert on dildos. And by the way, can't we get back to movies about people, real people, stories, emotions,

instead of these dildos flying around, coming at a CGI explosion. There's more to the human experience than dildonics. I think so, too. Yeah. So, yeah, I think I'm going all trades. I still do want to keep reading comics. I think that a trade looks relatively handsome on a bookshelf. You don't have a pile in the house.

looks relatively handsome on a bookshelf. You don't have a pile in the house. I think I will have more psychological ease when I look around my space because there aren't, you know, comics strewn about. So I think that's what I'm going to do. I mean, and I definitely like my monthly comics a lot, but I think, I don't know. I think the time has passed. Are you going to condo them?

Are you going to pick them up and see if they bring you joy? What's that? Condoing? A Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo. Oh, right. The ones that don't spark joy. Sure.

Maybe you can give them away to listeners. Yeah. I mean, I think I am going to do something like that. It's like, you know, look at the ones that I might like to reread or give to someone. That's an interesting idea to give them away to listeners. We could run a contest. It would be like the reverse of when listeners send me their unwanted baseball cards. Here's some of Jordan's crap.

Can you give us the history of it? Like this one sat next to my toilet for six months. Yeah. People like this one has food on it, as do most of them. Yeah. What was I eating while I was reading this Ramen my guess Probably wings Probably wings

Two out of three That's a pretty good guess I subscribed to my first Comic book of Regular comic books this year Since I was like 11 I mean I don't think I ever Subscribed to year since I was like 11. I mean, I don't think I ever subscribed to any when I was 11,

but I used to buy them floppies. Sure. And I found out that Ta-Nehisi Coates was writing The Black Panther. And I'm a big fan of Ta-Nehisi Coates. And I thought, I wonder what he's going to do with a comic book. And I didn't, I was not prepared to, I didn't want to wait for the trade paperback to come out, but I also was not prepared to go to a special store that regularly. Sure. There is not one by my house. You have to go to a different neighborhood and I'm, there's none on my way home. So I was like, I'm not going to go to a special store regularly

to buy this thing. So I subscribed. First I went on Facebook and asked the Jordan Jesse Go community what am I supposed to do. I subscribed. It's very convenient. It comes right to my house.

But I waited too long to subscribe and my subscription started with episode two, issue two. So then I went to the comic book store. I'm like, fuck, I got to get comic book

number one. Yeah. So I went to, I happened to be doing, I did a show with our friend Guy Branum at Nerd Melt and I'm like, great,

I'm at the comic book store. I'll get number one so I know what the fuck is going on. They're like, oh no, we don't have number one. Yeah. You missed out. It's a collector's item. I know. the fuck is going on. They're like, oh, no, we don't have number one. Yeah.

You missed out. It's a collector's item. I know. I mean, you could get like a fourth pressing. Why would you do that? That would be crazy. So I went on eBay. I'm like, I'm just going to give someone $10 for this so that I know what the fuck is going on.

And I went on eBay and it was like $20. I was like, I can't give someone $20 for this. And I think that is part of my, and I have run into that same problem. Me too. I think that's part of my switch. I think part of why switching to the trades makes sense because if you miss five, and I think the companies do that on purpose. I think they have one issue in a run that they make scarce for some weird reason sorry if this sounds a little bit conspiracy i get it now same thing

happened with me it was with um maya angelou spider woman yeah and uh generational difference sure sure spider-man i meant actually yeah yeah i um i was a spider. So I came up with two plans. Okay. My first plan was I'm going to steal it from the internet. Somebody was like, you can just steal it from the internet. I'm like, this is not my fault. I'm just going to steal it from the internet. You've tried to give many people money for it.

And not feel bad about it. Okay. So I stole it from the internet. And then I found out I had to buy an app to money for it. And not feel bad about it, okay? So I stole it from the internet, and then I found out I had to buy an app to look at it. I was like, okay, I'm out on that. Yeah. Out on that. So then the next thing, and I'm like,

what am I going to read on my fucking computer? I don't know. I don't know what that is. I'm not. Okay, look, I don't. Yeah. I'm not going to finish sentences. Pah.

So then my backup plan is, fuck it. I'm just going to start with number two. I know who Black Panther is. He's a superhero. He wears a suit and he runs around and he's the president of a fictional African country. I don't think anything

in my entire life and I'm including Gilgamesh or the tale of Genji has ever been so inscrutable to me. Yeah. It's issue two of this comic book. I'm looking at this. I'm like, what?

I read every page just one after another. What the fuck? What the fuck is that? It's just a list of made up words. The that? It's just a list of made up words. The entire comic book is just a list of made up words. Well, if I know my recent Marvel continuity, that's coming out of Secret Wars, Jesse. Oh, Jesus.

That was a huge universe unmaking event. Oh, wow. With cosmic ramifications. You can't expect to just jump into a comic that dovetails off of Secret Wars. You gotta read Secret Wars. I know. What are you doing not reading Secret Wars? I know Spider-Man is a Latino boy.

Now there's two Spider-Men, Jesse. Okay. And one. Wait, two concurrent Spider-Men? Yes. Holy shit. Yeah, I know. Wait, you're just talking about Red Spider-Man and Spider-Man when he's wearing the black alien symbiote. No, there's Peter Parker and Miles Morales having, you know, parallel adventures.

Did they brunch or anything? Yeah, there's a lot of brunch. Most comic books are just about brunch these days. Oh, my God. Someone stole a scone. And then. Want to meet me at Tavern on the Green? I'll catch you up. Reed Richards is one of the new watchers anyway do you guys uh do you guys have any new year's resis that's what i call new

year's resolutions man i mean ultimate power sure not just physical power. We're going to steal that from Reed Richards. He's one of the new watchers. Yeah. I mean, I'm looking certainly to some extent at physical power. I mean, I'm probably going to be pounding iron. Literally just punching it or? Yeah, because you got to toughen up your, if you're going to really kick some ass, you got to have a pad there on those knucks. Absolutely. Got to have those bumpy knucks.

Okay. And but also intellectual power. I'm going to read the classics and I'm going to go fishing a lot. Okay. And I'm going to eat the fish right there on the

boat. Live off the land. The sea I guess. Well the lake. The land and the sea. I think of it. Think of my 2017 as a sort of surf and turf. A real surf and turf, yeah.

Crab apples. Mm-hmm. Sea urchins. And then steer. Like a thistle. Ooh, a thistle's nice. Or I would probably make pemmican. Yeah.

That's made of acorn meat. You got to boil it or it's poisonous. Do you prefer thistles to brambles? That's a great question. Hey, let me answer it this way. Hey, don't throw me in the thistle patch, okay? I'll just go eat those thistles. I'll be happy there.

Get all those thistles. Laura, what do you got in the New Year's resolution department? I want to finish my bucket list. Oh. Yum, yum, yum. I'll be happy there. Get all those thistles. Laura, what do you got in the New Year's resolution department? I might, I want to finish my bucket list. Oh. Do you plan on dying soon? I just want to make sure that it's exactly where it needs to be. But, you know, every year I say the same thing. This is the year that I finish my bucket list and I never do.

Okay. So I've seen you zipining through the Andes already. The YouTube video. I saw the YouTube video of that. You killed that Kodiak. I did. It was brutal too. I'm going to admit, I was a little afraid that it would break my selfie stick and you

wouldn't be able to capture it. It was great that you did it one-handed too, that you were able to film murdering that beautiful creature, but also keeping the camera straight. It doesn't just happen. You actually have to practice a lot with wrestling and whatnot, but you don't start wrestling with a bear. You start with just people. Wrestling with like a teddy bear or a... Yeah. But at carnivals.

Like a representation of a bear. You know, those big stuffed animals that they... Yeah. Right. Like the kind you... So you first, I mean, like really what you're saying is that you have to start practicing your pitching because you're going to have to knock over those milk bottles. Yes.

To get the bear that you're going to be wrestling with. I didn't want to get into everything because I think the details might be a little boring. But, yeah, I mean, essentially, yes, you do have to do that. No, I mean, I think the audience tunes into this show mainly for information. So I think they probably want to kill their own Kodiaks in the new year. Yeah. So, you know, I think walking them through that isn't, you know, isn't beside the point. Can I pitch something to you, Jordan?

Sure. New name for the show? Jordan Jesse Goh hasn't been working. It has not. What if we try Stuff You Should Know If You Want to Kill a Bear? Check it off your bucket list. What about just Stuff You Should Know Too?

Yes. Like, ooh, a sequel to the popular show. Stuff You Should Know Too, colon. These guys don't know shit. What about Stuff You Should Know Too, the secret of the ooze? I think they're all viable ideas. Yeah. So what else is on this bucket list of yours, Laura?

I mean, I don't want to get away from this. You bring it up. We want to fulfill it. You've done the zip lining. You killed the bear. Killed the bear. I want to shave my head once. Right.

And not have it grow back. Right. So. I don't know. But that, to me, might be a little bit out of my control. But I'm putting it on the list. Have you thought about doing chemo? No.

So you shave your head. That's on the list. Now that's on the list. So shave your head, do chemo, and then it won't grow back. Let's see what happens. All right. Temporarily. Temporarily.

Okay. It's a very physically harrowing experience, though. So I just want to warn you. Chemo or being bald? Well, both of them. Yeah. I know the latter from experience. The former from descriptions that others have.

I just want to know which part was harrowing. Yeah. So you just started working at harrowing. Yeah. But you just started, so you just started working at the Max Fund. Yeah. So you were kind of going into 2017 with a new job.

Do you think there's a new lifestyle on the horizon? Will this new job allow you to live, you know, better or differently? Probably better.

I mean, it's the podcasting lifestyle. Sure. Hey, you don't have to tell us. The parties, the hot tubs, the, you know, the sounding lifestyle. Sure. Hey, you don't have to tell us. The parties, the hot tubs. Sure.

You know, the sound booths. Babes with butts for miles, butts for years. Like before, for me to even get my hands on foam crating. Yeah. Right. Like, I don't even know where I would look. And now, all I could ever want. Is that how you were paid?

Yes. Foam crating? Yeah. Good. Isn't. No. Really? Yes. Foam crating? Yeah. Good. Isn't... No. Really? She can barter it.

Oh, okay. I mean, she's allowed to barter. I'd prefer if she didn't sell it. But I'm not allowed to use the name of the organization when I barter. I can't say that this is Max Fun Foam Crating.

No, you have to put your assets into a blind trust. Otherwise, you could influence world events in order to benefit your business interests. Okay. All right.

Good to know. I didn't know that before, though. Every morning, Jordan, I wake up, I open that newspaper, and I show it to a cracked mirror. That's called satire.

That's how satire works. Good. I read it backwards. It's like a secret code that only I know. Oh. I and other people with mirrors. That's like a secret code that only I know. Oh. I and other people with mirrors. That's how Stephen Colbert got his start, right?

Yeah, exactly. That's good. He did his with invisible ink, which is actually just like, it's like a quill and urine. Oh. Yeah. That sounds gross. He was in jail at the time. It's hard to get raw material.

Yeah, yeah. So you got to use urine for most things. This was in between The Daily Show and Exit 57, Sketch Comedy Show. Oh, okay. And Comedy Central. Stuff you should know. Yeah. Two, the scorch trials.

Do we, since we are a bit into 2017 at this point, I mean, every year we do come up with a slogan to kind of kick off the new year. And I think 2017 is kind of a unique case that really needs and deserves a special slogan. Yeah. Is that something we should try and suss out at this point? Yeah. I say this. Let's take a break. Okay.

We got the head honcho here, Laura Swisher. When we come back, let's get into this. Let's do some sussing. Yeah. Let's suss this thing. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Laura Swisher. I don't have a moniker. You got to have one. It's part of being on the show. Sorry.

Swish. Does that work? Shit, man, that is good. That's dope. I think you had that chambered. You played it off like you just came up with that off the dome. Trying to play it cool. It's also my Twitter handle.

Swish. Swish. I like it. So every year, Laura, we have a slogan. It's a slogan that we see as capturing the spirit of the American people, the indomitable spirit of the American people. Who we love. Exactly.

It's kind of like a vision board for the year. It's a watchword for the year or a set of watchwords. It always makes a great back tattoo. It's a fantastic back tattoo. You're looking for a new back tat. I am. Yeah. I think everybody's on the lookout.

It's great. It makes a great meme if you just superimpose it over a picture. Kermit the Frog drinking tea. Yeah, exactly. Michael Jordan crying. Cat hanging from a tree limb or something. These are all great. Somebody from The Real Housewives being like, no.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Like, I'm sorry. I'm a real housewife. No. What about someone choking and, I don't know, the drink or something spews out of their mouth, but really fast and sudden. Does that work, too?

Yeah. Are you suggesting that as a slogan? No, as a meme that you would superimpose the slogan over. Right. Right. Yeah. It could make a good slogan, though. We'd have to figure out how to capture it on an audio podcast. Yeah.

And then maybe one of Beyonce going like, yeah, that'll be okay. Yeah. Yeah, that'll be okay. Could you imagine if Beyonce said that that would be okay to you? It would be amazing. Yeah, it would. Hmm. And I would tell her that she's doing okay, too.

She is doing okay. Yeah. You know, she really got through a tough year. Yeah, it was a big year. But I believe in her. Me, too. I think she's going places. You know what I say.

Let's keep an eye on this Beyonce character. You know what I say. Hmm. Beyonce for president 2020. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think Beyonce is inspirational. I think she's an excellent singer.

I love the way she dances. And politics confuses me. Sure. And I think personally, I think we need to impeach that Becky with the good hair. No, I hate Becky with the good hair. Oh, I hate her. Oh, Becky. Oh, let me at that Becky. She does have nice hair. No, I hate Becky with the good hair. Oh, I hate her. Oh, Becky. Oh, let me at that Becky.

She does have nice hair. Do people remember that? It is pretty good. Yeah, the hair's good. I'm going to tell her a thing or two. Isn't it funny to think about

the weird internet shit we were into pre-election? Yeah. Like, why did we talk about damn daniel at all yeah like to think like what was it even what was damn daniel it hadn't even occurred to us that jeff sessions could be the attorney general sure at the time we have to talk about that that would be an important thing to consider yeah but damn But damn Daniel was a lot of fun. Damn, Sessions. Back again with the jokes about agreeing with the KKK.

Classic. Classic Jeff. But let's talk about a slogan. What have been some of our slogans over the years? More powerful than ever. More powerful than ever. That's the initial one. And yeah, and I think that's the one that has made the best poster.

Yeah. That did make a great poster. I mean, ideally, these would be a good, a nice poster. Flight of the Raptors, Sting of the Asp. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Which is probably our best one. Yeah.

This year's slogan was, get him, get him, get him. Mm-hmm. As inspired by Brooklyn's own mash-out posse. Mm-hmm. And yeah, and I think that we just kind of need to talk a little bit about what this year was like and kind of what we're looking to do in 2017. Well, this was a tough year. Sure. Absolutely.

We lost one of our most important gorillas. And that was the main thing that I went through this year. Sure. That Suicide Squad movie looked like it was going to be good, but it was bad. So I think we all took that pretty hard. Yeah, that was really difficult. So 2016 was pretty tough. I mean, Will Smith struggled overall.

Yeah, I know. I would say. And we had a lot less Jaden Smith out there. Yeah. What's Jaden up to? I don't know. Why isn't Jaden blessing us with the wisdom that he was blessing us with in 2015? He's probably doing karate on a blimp.

I just want to point out that I've been shrugging my shoulders. And then I just realized, oh, this is a podcast, so no one can see my reaction. So I just want to point out that I have been reacting this entire time, but just the wrong way. Well, I should also clarify. Oh. Oh. Uh also clarify. Oh. Oh. Uh-huh. Oh.

Maybe we could just get some efforts from Laura real quick and just sprinkle them in. Yeah. Yeah. I just want to clarify. Do some general grunting and then people can, you know, loop it as they see fit. Something that you said, Jordan, which is that Jaden Smith is probably just doing karate on a blimp. I think probably a lot of people are imagining Jaden on the flight deck of a blimp. Nah, he's

on top of the blimp. Well, I think in my imagination, he's fighting the blimp. Oh! Like he's doing karate on it. Yeah, and he's just levitating because of the power of his own mind. Yeah, like, blimp, don't fuck with me or I'll do some karate on your ass. Sure, I have transcended matter. Yeah. And, uh, and yeah, and I can fly around because I have, like, blimp, don't fuck with me or I'll do some karate on your ass. Sure. I have transcended matter. Yeah.

And, yeah, and I can fly around because I have broken the laws of physics. Yeah. So let's talk about what our goals are for 2017 vibe-wise. What are you looking for, Jordan? Well, I mean, I think, you know, and I think we need to, like, you know, we need to, you know, I think there should be a theme of looking for the good people. Right. Kind of keeping an eye out for the people in your life and community who could help you through a tough time, who can kind of be a port in a storm. Right. a port in a storm.

Right. Mm-hmm. And, you know, and like kind of telling those people that you value them and, you know, that, you know, you want them to be a part of your life and vice versa.

Yeah. So here's my jumping off point. Okay. It's the top of a blimp. It's the top of a blimp. I will jump down onto Jaden Smith. Blimp defenders. That's her slogan of a blimp. It's the top of a blimp. I will jump down onto Jaden Smith. Blimp defenders. That's her slogan.

Blimp defenders. You got to find those blimps and you got to defend them from the children of movie stars. Right. How about this? 2017. Get some apps for the table. Get some apps for the table. Get some apps for the table. Here's for the table get some apps for the table

here's here's I mean who doesn't love apps what apps are we talking about whatever apps edamame edamame is good

mozzarella sticks of course wings onion rings I was thinking my first thought was tempura green beans my first thought was mozzarella sticks

I mean mozzarella sticks are the app you know regardless of the quality of restaurant, they are the app that is most likely to be delicious. If the inside is gooey. If the inside is gooey. The outside must be crunchy. The inside must be gooey. It is a fucking bummer when you get that unmelted, you know, cheese doodler inside rolling around.

That was the worst thing that happened to me in 2016. You had a bad matzah stick? I had a cold mozzarella stick. And I felt like my, I cried for days. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside. It never occurred to me that that could happen. I guess I trusted the system to deliver me a mozzarella stick that was crunchy on the outside and gooey on the inside. Yeah, no.

Where were you that this happened? Not the restaurant. I'm just trying. The geographical location. Were you outside? Were you in a red state? Because I'm wondering maybe that tipped them off, like, you know, make this one cold. I considered the state that I was in, and I'm just going to go ahead and say which state it was.

Michigan. I considered it to be part of my mozzarella firewall. Right. So that's the Rust Belt for you. And then it crumbled around me. Yeah. Yeah. Laura, how do you feel about Motts Sticks specifically and apps in general?

Do you have favorite apps? Do you normally order apps? Do you normally order apps? See, I hear apps and I just think iTunes, iTunes apps. So that's where my mind goes. Thank you. Digital native. And then Motts, then I think applesauce, like Motts applesauce. So already I think it's flawed.

For me, it's flawed because that's where my mind goes instinctively. But I'm also, you know, I could be wrong. Again, typical millennial thinking. They love their smartphones and their applesauce. You know, when you said it, say what you were suggesting again. Oh, the whole thing? Yeah. 2017, get some apps for the table.

See, now all I can think about is how I deserve a participation trophy. Typical millennial. Yeah. Typical millennial. Yeah. Typical millennial. Oh, well. But I do like that it's positive. Sure. And it involves food.

I always say appies for apps. So I say appies. That's more fun. Get some appies for the table. Appies for the table. You don't have the confusion of people thinking you're talking about applications. Yeah. You have more of the confusion of the fact that you just made up that word.

Appies? And that others aren't familiar with it at all. But you don't have the two-forked-road problem. Right. It's sort of like coming to the end of a road of understanding and having to bushwhack your way through a jungle of confusion. Laura, but I do want to get your opinion on apps. I don't know if you eat meat, if you like a wing,

if you like a slider, if you... Onion rings. What's your go-to? Okay, so obviously the Arctic choke, the cheesy... Choke dip. I love that. A creamy spinach. What do you like dipping in there?

Tortilla chips. Maybe a pita. Let the record show that, as Laura said that, the look on her face was one of what can only be described as pity. That Jordan would consider any other dipping thing with an artichoke dip. Like a nice little grilled toast thing? What about a crudite? Crudite. No.

No? Chip only, huh? You know what? What about a crudité? Crudité. No. No? Chip only, huh? You know what? We had a party last weekend, and there was crudité. There was crudité at the beginning of the party, crudité afterwards. I'm sorry that I couldn't come to the party. I didn't get an invitation. That's weird.

It must have got lost in the end. But you're a parent of kids. Yeah, I don't socialize. You know what? It was me sparing you that anything was going on because I also know that the odds of you being able to stop by, because we're not even, we're like way in bumfuck regular part of town. And you're, you know, in that other part of town.

It's way far away. The closest I get to socializing is listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself. You know, I was talking to our buddy John Ross Bowie about this issue. The great John Ross Bowie. About, you know, kind of new parents. And, you know, and I think he was talking about, you know, coming from the improv world. Yeah. And the improv world is the domain of the sad and childless.

Yeah. You know, predominantly. It's a lonely man's game. Sure. These days more and more a lonely woman's game um and you know kind of the idea is that there are all these improv shows that like you know take place you know at midnight inside an abandoned blockbuster video on a wednesday yeah on a wednesday midnight on a wednesday is a popular before you start a scene you gotta chug a beer and kind of all of these things that And I'm like, do you know, you know, do you you know, what do you do when you know when

you know new parents? Do you invite them to these things knowing that they're not going to come? Or do you just, you know, as as Laura was saying, write them off, spare them, just write them off, you know, spare them the pain of knowing that, you know, the world is partying without them. And he said, you know what? We partying without them and uh he said you know what we just appreciate the invite yeah and so i think that's my it's my feeling as to that's a good i mean that reflects your spirit for 2017 let's order some apps for the table yeah happy my or happy look i'm not

i don't have a i don't have a dog in this race. Look, I'm not the app police, but I kind of am. It's a dog race, by the way. Oh, cool. Yeah, like down at the Greyhound track. Yeah, yeah. I like – The Simpsons got Santa's little helper. Exactly.

I like the theme of it. My concern is that it does not roll off the tongue. It's not punchy and it does not lead to self-actualization. Okay. Those are valid. I think that what you're going to have is a bunch of people going around helping each other, and that's the last thing we want. Sure. I mean, but I mean, you know.

This is about personal. These slogans are about personal power. I was going to say what I was trying to encourage was a spirit of community. Okay. Coming together. Making your community better by, you know, ordering apps for the table. Starting a garden. Right.

But what about something like. Like a posse to patrol crime. Let's crush them together. Mm. Oh, boy. Something that combines a sort of feeling of violence with a sort of teamwork vibe. Yeah.

Kind of a summer comic book event style. A spree to crush yeah like if our slogan all wasn't already get him get him again for 2016 i would be suggesting suggesting let's get him yeah are you okay yeah let's crush them together are you worried about people doing violence in our name? I mean, it's a metaphor. Ultimately, I see it as a metaphor. But my hope would be that some we have a very literal listenership. Well, my hope would be that some people would take it literally.

Right. Yeah. I mean, I think if you're if you're honest, if both of you are honest and you found out that one listener did some sort of violence because they were inspired by something they heard. I mean, of course, you condemn it publicly. But is there a little part of you that's like, oh, my gosh, I inspired that. If the violence was towards one of those dirty blimps, then I would be OK with it. What about 2017? Let's punch a blimp.

Oh, man, that's pretty good. That is. I mean, I, it feels natural. Felt good. We all reacted. That's right. Got a real jam to it. Yeah. We understand what it's about.

It's about coming together to overcome our obstacles. Which, to most of us, are blimps. Yeah. And I guess here's the issue I was thinking about, R.E. violence. I want to be clear. Yeah. I'm not talking about dirig issue I was thinking about, R.E., violence. I want to be clear. Yeah. I'm not talking about dirigibles. No, those are great.

Blimps. Don't punch those. Yeah, just blimps. So are we getting into a situation where we are having the same problem as the Juggalos did? What's that? Well, so the Juggalos- We're sticky from the Faygo? Yeah.

Too blazed? That dude wants too much for a crank. So what happened with the Juggalos is that fans of the ICP would commit crimes. Right. And so the FBI designated them a gang. Oh, yeah. When I don't think what the ICP rap about, when they rap about murder and, you know, et cetera, the murderous arts. They're not saying that literally.

But people are, you know, we're out there murdering. So I just don't want us to end up like Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. I guess, first of all, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are doing great. They're out there on Juggalo Island enjoying themselves. Number two, I feel like to some extent I've always wanted to have a gang to join. You know, growing up in San Francisco's handsome and historic Mission District, I felt like as often as I was invited to become a Norteno, it's very frequent. I mean, you know, they very much made it clear there was an open-door policy to me, okay? They said, look, we need that special blend of skills that you bring to the table.

We need someone to hide drugs in their ass. We need a big asshole. Your management style. A literal physical. A wide. Yeah. We need a big asshole. Your management style. A literal physical. A wide. Yeah. As many times as I was invited, I just felt like it wasn't the place for me.

And ever since then, I've been looking for a gang to join. So, you know, I've had some conversations with our friends at MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang. some conversations with our friends at MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang, and again, it's just a place where I feel like I'm just like, I'm three degrees off. You know what I mean? It's like they're Caroline in the

city, but I'm more of a single guy. Right, if we're talking about classic must-see TV. We're putting this gang war in terms of classic must-see TV. That's like the gang war in terms of classic must-see TV. That's like the main thing I talk about with my buddies from MS-13. Yeah. I mean, they don't make them like that anymore.

No. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of today's gangs are less dangerous. 2017, let's punch a blimp. I like it. Let's punch a blimp. You on board?

I'm on board. Okay, so here's the spirit of this thing. We're joining together. We're taking on board? I'm on board. Okay. So here's the spirit of this thing. We're joining together. We're taking on seemingly insurmountable obstacles. We're almost certain to win. Right. We will not fail. Because of our spirit.

And again, that's the spirit of the American people, Laura. Yeah. Let's punch a blimp. Let's punch a blimp. So what I want is you out there in the audience thinking about what challenges am I facing in this new year? Do they seem insurmountable? Do they seem too big to get my arms around? Okay.

Do they seem lighter than air? Do they have tire messaging? Are they always hovering above pagers? Are they always hovering above major sporting events? I think one way or another, you can do this if you bring this community in with you, okay? Who do you care about? Bring them on. Let's do this together.

And let's tag Jaden Smith on Twitter. He can help us punch a blimp. He can help us leave our physical bodies, defy the laws of physics, so we can easier punch blimps. I would fucking love to have Jaden Smith on Jordan Jesse Go. That would be great. Can everyone ask Jaden Smith on Twitter to come on Jordan Jesse Go? Because I would be thrilled to have him. It would be the first episode that was in all caps. Most of our episodes are really subtle.

Right. It's a real sort of like, do-do-do-do, you know. But this one would be. That was an example of subtlety, by the way. Do-do-do. Yeah. Jordan, Jesse, Jaden. Sure.

Well, you know what? I would be fine with it being Jaden, Jesse, go. I would step down if Jaden Smith wanted to co-host this thing. Guys, I'm not. Hello. You're the senior producer, and I'm glad that you're coming up with ideas like this. Yeah. This is my new.

Forget my former, my hip-hop interview show. I'm the white guy. He's the rapper. The new thing is definitely Jade and Jessie Go. And all we talk about is J and Sculps for the future. He's got so many goals for the future. I love goals for the future. Science, music, dance, blimp destruction.

Steam. That's science, technology, engineering, art, and mathematics. The five pillars. Steam. Yeah. Plus he's probably getting his mom's band back together Oh boy Jada Pinkett Smith

Love that band Don't remember what they were called She was in a band? She was in a metal band What? She had her own metal band Wow Yeah

She's the Lady Ice-T I should have known that Yeah I should have known And now I do Alright Thank you Hey get out there

Let's punch a blimp Let's punch a blimp We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Bachelor family of products. We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, it is a garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile. We're the raccoons in charge around here. So join us on Tuesdays.

Because the TV show's on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required. But it's a good TV show. What are you doing? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And swish. Hey, this will

probably air by January 14th, right? Yeah, I think so. We're going to be at SF Sketch Fest San Francisco. We're bringing our buddy Travis McElroy with us. Sure. Get those ticks. Come out to the show. It starts at 1.

It's going to be fun. Yeah. I didn't intend for that to rhyme, but it felt nice. I hope everyone brings me a burrito or an It's It. Just hurl them on stage at random times. Oh, God, that would be fantastic. Can you imagine just me being concussed by a super burrito yeah could we yeah i mean should you know our show is just kind

of like aimless banter should more of it be dodging food yeah i mean there's a real there ever since cereal there's been a real hum yeah like throbbing, throbbing need for more Dodging Food podcast. Do you think maybe at the end of the show, I mean, ideally we would forget about this. Right. So it would be more of a surprise. Yeah. But as we're like taking our bows or whatever, people douse us Carrie style. Some of that famous San Francisco clam chowder.

Oh, man. That's the best chowder in the world, Jordan. I mean, you got to get that chowder. Did you know that I'm from San Francisco? I haven't heard you mention it. Yeah. I love that chowder. I thought you were from the Pacific Northwest.

Now, Jordan, any San Franciscan knows there's nothing more San Franciscan than some of San Francisco's famous San Francisco style clam chowder. So just as we're taking our bow, it comes raining down on us. Yeah. Is there any other kind of chowder? No, not as far as I'm concerned. Okay. If there is, I don't want to know about it. Yeah.

What's that? Manhattan clam what? Oh, yeah. Did you say Manhattan clam bullshit? Okay. The classic San Francisco clam chowder, made of clams, cream, chicken stock, Joe Montana, Coit Tower, Willie L. Brown Jr. And fog. Yeah.

A little soupçon of fog. Adds a nice texture. And a naked guy. Yeah. In conclusion soupçon. Sure. Of fog. Adds a nice texture. And a naked guy. Yeah. In conclusion, a naked guy. It's your classic Mission San Francisco clam chowder. Douse us in chowder. That's a North Beach chowder.

If you want to know what a Mission chowder is, we can get into it after the show. Okay. You and I can talk about it. I lived in San Francisco, but I'm not from there. You're going to need some Santana juice for one thing. Fresh Santana juice. Don't get the frozen stuff. It seems cruel to put him in the press, but once you get that sweet, sweet juice, it's worth it.

When it is so smooth, too. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 2- Oh, January 14th. That's when we're at SketchFest. SFSketchFest.com or MaximumFun.org. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's go to the phone.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Alan, Florida. It's calling. I'm still in the shower. I just- Pause this, Daniel, real quick. I like Daniel. Sure.

Say his name, Alan. Yeah. One of these guys. Daniel's name is Daniel. Right. Alan's name is Alan. Number one, Alan came to the microphone with a positive attitude, okay? Yep.

I'm ready to punch a blimp with this guy. Yeah. This guy can punch a blimp. Number two, I'm still in the shower. Yeah, this guy obviously gets it. Program it into your phone and call us when it happens. Risk ruining your phone. Exactly.

Risk being out $600. You got it. Small price to pay, Jordan. A very small price to pay. Ruin that phone. Ruin the phone. Is that an alternate slogan? Yeah.

2016, punch a blimp, comma, ruin the phone. Play the clip. The punch a blimp comma ruined the phone. Play the clip. An invitation via text messages to what Jordan would refer to as a secret sex party. I'm not sure if I'm going to go to the secret sex party, but I literally five seconds ago got the invitation. A real genuine invitation to a real secret sex party. Thanks, guys.

I'm really excited. Bye. Now, I'm I'm really excited. Bye. Now, I'm surprised that the invitations for that come via text. I would think it would be a nice paperless post. Really? Yeah. Like an animated GIF? Yeah, a little like, you know, like a classy GIF of an envelope opening.

Right. It unfolds and a little, you know, e-stationary comes out. You know what I would use to send it if I was hosting a secret sex party? And I want to be clear, I have not. I'm happily married and monogamous. But if I were to, I would definitely use JibJab. Oh, those are fun. I would specifically use that one with John Kerry. Oh, yeah.

Just land, Will Shirley. Vote for me. I mean, that has the benefit of being very funny. Right. And also getting people very horny. I get so horny when I think about his distinguished stentorian northeastern tones. Yeah. Yeah.

But, I mean, you know. And don't get me started on Teresa Hines, Carrie. Oh, boy. That's French minx. Sure. She's a real ketchup heiress, if you know what I mean. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah.

I mean, but, I mean, maybe the people organizing this SSP are millennials. Yeah. And they don't know how to send paperless posts or jib jabs. Then you want to get at them with WhatsApp. You got to get at them with WhatsApp. Hey, WhatsApp. Yeah. You want to come over and fuck?

That's actually their slogan. Yeah. It's good that he was showering because you don't want to show up to this thing with stank balls. I don't like that he wanted to pull a power play and not show up to it. Yeah. If you're single and you get invited to a secret sex party, just roll the dice. Roll the dice. Live a little. If I'm throwing a secret sex party and I know everybody that I've sent the invite to and

certain people don't show up, that hurts. It does. That hurts. You think it's something you did. Yeah. I'm like, is it me specifically that he doesn't want to have sex with? Well, Laura, maybe they just don't like it being bookended with crudités. I would never have.

See, my secret sex parties, this is a promise that I make to everybody. There will be no crudités at my sex parties. Mine will have roasted root vegetables. Oh, that's nice. Just some leeks. Some seasonal, yeah. Well, I like to cook leeks in a little bit of Dijon mustard and some stock. I like to.

This is how I like to finish mine off. After, you know, everybody's, you know, kind of lying there on the mini air mattresses I've spread out around my apartment. Yeah. And, you know, the kind of post-coital exhaustion, I like to douse them with some nice San Francisco clam chowder. I've had some buckets rigged up to the ceiling. Hit them with the chowder, baby. Down comes the chowder. Pa-pow. Everybody has a good time.

Oh, yeah. That's why you're a YouTube star, my friend. This land will surely vote for me. And when it gets cold, that's how you know it's time to leave. Yeah. When the chowder is too cold. When the chowder is cold, it's time to rope it in. If I, this is my opinion about it.

Yeah. If you're going to host a secret sex party, don't send an electronic invitation at all. Oh. That's the wrong move. That's where you're making your mistake is when you're sending an electronic invitation. You're going to need to write it on a piece of parchment, seal it with wax. Okay, because it's a secret party. Right.

You're going to have to have your eunuch deliver it. Oh, yeah, sure. Because otherwise, if you don't use your eunuch, if you use your standard courier, he might get a boner and start fucking. Yeah. I mean, and still you want to taunt the eunuch, too, by making him deliver sex messages. Yeah, absolutely. This is the whole thing about having a eunuch.

Yeah. You can let him in there to take care of your harem, and you can taunt them by delivering sex messages. Do you think this guy's text that he got had emojis? Yeah. I'm worried that it's just- Probably just those fingernails. You know how sometimes you're on a text message chain of like, oh, friends from work or like-

Sure. You know, whatever. Oh, buddies from college. And you send each other a funny picture of something funny that your kid did. Yeah. Or like a misspelled sign in the window of a restaurant. Yeah. Misspelled in a funny way.

I'm on some and it's mostly Star Wars complaints. Yeah. Like I'm worried that he got invited just because somebody accidentally replied all to one of those. Oh. Are you saying our boy Alan's not down enough for the secret sex party? That's my concern. I can't say that's the situation, but it's my concern, Jordan. That's fine.

Okay, let's play our next call. Hey, Jordan, just to go. So I just wanted to call in with a moment of vacation, or at least a moment of vacation for me. wanted to call in with a moment of vacation, or at least a moment of vacation for me. I was just, well, I should say that I'm from Houston, and I just saw a guy pour one out on the curb for a homie, and right after he poured it out, like in the middle of the street, he did the Catholic prayer, you know, where he did the cross on his body. And then he pointed out to God, he's like, this is for you.

Or I guess it was God, maybe his angel friend. And I thought that was really cool. I had never seen that before. And it was just really, that made me feel good. All right. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye. Now, here's my feeling

about this call on the one hand almost all of this call is an exercise in weird cultural tourism that makes me uncomfortable fair however

I do really like the idea of giving a shout out to your angel friends yeah like I feel like that is so good that I'm fine with the rest of it. I love the idea of having an angel buddy. That'd be a lot of fun. Like, if your friend gets killed, the plus side is you got a flapper.

And hopefully he'll help the angels win the pennant. Yeah. So your dad will rejoin the family. Oh, my God. Yeah, man. When I was in MS-13 with Christopher Lloyd. Yeah. Oh, wait. So your dad will rejoin the family. Oh, my God. Yeah, man. When I was in MS-13 with Christopher Lloyd. Yeah. Oh, wait.

So you did join. Well, I was like, we had a kind of like local offshoot. Okay. So it's not a strict top-down organization. You were getting college credit for it, right? Yes, of course. Well, I certainly wasn't getting paid. I hope I got credit.

MS intern. Yeah. Anyway, the two of us had a lot of fun doing that. Joe Pesci was in it also. Great. The kid from Little Big League. Everybody. Yeah.

Everyone from 90s children's baseball movies. Well, I mean, it wasn't just baseball movies. We also had the dead guy from the hit movie where they drag the dead guy around. What's that called? Weekend at Bernie's? Yeah, we had Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's. Swiss Army Man? Air Bud, Golden Receiver. Yeah. All the faves. We had that chimp

that's friends with Jason Alexander. I think it's a Rangutan. Yeah, probably. A Rangutan. And of course, all the gang from The Land Before Time. Oh, yeah, all the gang from the Land Before Time. Oh, yeah. They were singing that great Land Before Time song. Just kidding.

There's none of those. They're fucking horrible. They're so bad. Are there songs in the Land Before Time? I think, I don't know if there are songs in the original Land Before Time. Definitely at least one Land Before Time that my child has, has songs. And they're almost spitefully bad. Like, I'm not just saying that they're, like, lame.

They're, like, aggressively awful. Do your kids like to sing them? Do they sing along? I have no idea what they sound like. They sound like. I'm not saying I want one of you to give me a taste by singing them. I mean, I certainly couldn't. Jesse would have to.

They're singing. I'm not going to. I'm not going to put people through that. Come on. Just do a few. Do one of the the verses i only sing do the bridge i only sing i only sing songs from the music man you know that about me that's fair i'd arose i'm home again rose that's from the land before time yeah okay pretty good. Pick a little, talk a little. I'm a dinosaur. Pick a fake,

I'm a Tyrannosaurus, talk a little. If you have something to say, a momentous occasion has happened in your life, have a moment of shame, 206-984-4FUN, the number to call

or just record a voice memo on your phone, email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

to us at jjgoe at maximumfund.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Laura Swisher. Laura, it's been a lot of fun to have you on the program this week. It's been a blast.

And it's been a lot of fun to have you at maximumfund.org. Thank you for accepting our job offer. Absolutely. I can't wait to punch blimps with you guys. Oh, we're going to punch so many fucking blimps, dude. It's going to be a lot of fun. Look you at MaximumFun.org. Thank you for accepting our job offer. Absolutely. I can't wait to punch blimps with you guys. Oh, we're going to punch so many fucking blimps, dude. It's going to be a lot of fun. Dude, Jordan. Look out blimps.

I'm going to be out there fucking up the world. Look out blimps. If you're a blimp, watch your back. Pow, pow, pow, pow. Boom, boom, boom. Ka-chow.

It's going to be a fucking mess of Hindenburgs in the sky. Was that a dirigible? Oh, the humanity. Yeah. I don't know if the Hindenburg was a the sky. Was that a dirigible? Oh, the humanities. Yeah. I don't know if the Hindenburg was a blimp or a dirigible. Did it have a rigid skeleton? That's the question, ain't it?

I know it had sections of gas, gas sections. You know, some people say I'm the world's largest source of natural gas. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. You're welcome. 2017 is going to be a great year. Okay, folks. Thanks for listening to this week's Jordan and Jesse Go.

Thanks to guest engineer Daniel, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com to have a chat. Join us on Facebook by liking JordanJesseGo and joining the Maximum Fun group there on Facebook. We'll see you at SF Sketch Fest at Very, Very Fun Day in Chicago, Illinois. And at MaxFunCon. Tickets for both MaxFunCons on sale right now at MaxFunCon.com. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun.org.

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