Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 463: Live from SF Sketchfest with Travis McElroy and Donwill

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Jordan and Jesse are joined by Travis McElroy and Donwill live on stage at the Swedish American Music Hall as part of San Francisco Sketchfest 2017.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, live backstage at the Swedish American Hall in San Francisco. This week's Jordan Jesse Go comes to you from SF Sketch Fest. Let's go to the stage and our special guest, Travis McElroy. For the folks listening at home, Travis walked up to the stage in a triumphant Christ pose. And then tripped on the edge of the stage. A little bit of comedy. I did it on purpose.

It's my friend. We all know you did it on purpose. How are you doing, buddy? How's San Francisco treating you? Oh, it's going good. Thank you, San Francisco, for everything. I've experienced very little of you. I've mostly been in shows. So, so far, San Francisco is full of Paul F. Tompkins, and it's great.

You've got to try the clam chowder before you leave. Paul F. Tompkins makes clam chowder. Inapprentical. It's amazing. Yeah, yeah. It's good at everything. Hey, I know you guys probably tuned into the podcast largely for

anecdotes, and we've got a couple. That's what people say to each other when they're recommending Jordan Jesse. Have you heard this new show? Jordan Jesse Go? If I do, I mean 10 years old. Have you heard this show Jordan Jesse Go? And they're like, yeah, I love podcasts. Serial, Another Round,

there are no other podcasts. And they go, yeah, well you're going to love Jordan Jesse Go. It has anecdotes. But let me tell it further. the two hosts are white men. And I know you're thinking, straight. Does Star Wars come up? You bet it does. We got a couple of anecdotes for you. I actually had an Uber ride to the airport.

Have you guys taken one of these numbers? Who's on Tinder, right? So Uber to the airport, the fellow picks me up and he's an older gentleman, big white Sam Elliott mustache, bald head, and he's got one of those like Aloha polo shirts. You guys know these? And it is silent. He doesn't even do that thing where he asks me my name before I get in. Just kind of motions toward me.

And I get in a radio-less car. No radio, so just silent. This guy's not saying anything. And 20 minutes into it, he just says, So I read an article the other day. And I'm like, oh shit. What is this?

Okay, I'm like running over in my brain what this could be. I'm like, the earth is flat. Yeah, Hillary's in the Illuminati. You ever heard about these bronies? Yeah. I'm like, what could this be? What could this be? I'm like, oh, I'm only thinking the worst things. I'm like, what could this be? I'm only thinking the worst things. I'm like, what kind of

article does this man read? So I read an article the other day. I'm like, oh yeah, what was it about? He's like, Charlie Sheen has AIDS. This is yesterday! This is yesterday! And I'm like, oh yeah, I think I've heard that.

And he's like, yeah, but these days you don't die from it. And then I said, yeah, well, Apocalypse Now is a great movie. And then silence the rest of the way to the airport. That was the end of our conversation. I got a lift.

Charlie Sheen is in Apocalypse Now, right? What am I thinking of? Platoon! I actually said Apocalypse Now is a great movie. Maybe he just thought I was trying to change the subject. To be clear, Jordan said Apocalypse Now, but he misspoke. He was thinking of Major League. I was thinking of Major League. I got a Lyft ride to the airport yesterday,

and one, I have realized, shockingly, I am at an age now where my Lyft driver kept calling me young man, and I was flattered. So I'm like, oh, you. He's like, would you like your first sip of beer, sonny? I've got some in the trunk. She spoke to me the entire time, which if any of you are Lyft or Uber drivers, don't do that. And I got in the car in the back seat because I don't like humans.

And she said, well, I don't like human interaction. I like the idea of humans. You said humans? I thought you said humans. And I'm like, what? Whoa! Oh, my God!

The Cincinnati has changed you, Travis. All the plantains. We accidentally booked an art shot on the podcast. No, humans. Human in argument. And I was like, I don't like them either. And that's a strong guess. That's something we can all agree on.

And as I got in the car, she said very politely, you can sit up front if you want. And the phrase that sprang to my mind, which, thank God, my filter barely caught, was, no thanks, I prefer to sit in the back and pretend like you work for me. It was 7 o'clock in the morning, and I was very tired, and that was my first, no thanks. And I was going to say it as a joke, but I just don't think it would have come across that way. And instead I just said, okay, and stayed in the back.

I feel like the real headline from this anecdote from Travis is, breaking Travis McElroy has filter. Justin, you got one? Can I tee you up for anything? Well, well yeah because i was in mine is also automotive related um and even less narrative than yours but i was thinking you know i'm from san francisco i was lost in i live in los angeles i was in los

angeles in like a northeast la in a kind of hip neighborhood called silver lake and i was walking down the street and i lived briefly in Silver Lake and the worst part about living, well, there was a lot of shitty things about living there, but probably the worst part was there's a lot of narrow roads with no sidewalks. Uh, and, uh, people exclusively drive Priuses. So you constantly feel like a car is trying to sneak up on you. And I saw, but I saw a prius parked on the parked on the street and it had a custom license plate that i honestly don't even know how you they got this past the state of california uh but it said self-love oh boy i know and i really it occurred to me

immediately like my brain translated the meaning of you know like you see a custom license plate the first thing you think of is what does this mean? And the reason that I know that I am now a Los Angeles resident is I immediately thought it was about like affirmation. Because Los Angeles is probably famous for a certain brand of self-indulgent hippieism, like a self-celebrating hippie-ism. And I realized that if I were still in a San Francisco mindset, I would know that that was the car of a masturbation expert.

Do we have any masturbation experts in the audience? Professionally or otherwise? A masturbation expert that would give classes to other people or just really nailed it for themselves? Like, I finally got it. I don't know, Jordan, what you know about the San Francisco economy, but 2017, it has two main areas.

One is tech, so software, you know, so on and so forth. The other is nice lesbians who work at dildo stores. That's all that's left. And the money is if you can find the intersection. I think I want my niche to say one in stink. Anyway. Got to put one in the stink. Anything else interesting?

This actually happened last night. Got to put one in the steak. Anything else interesting? Yeah, I got one more. This actually happened last night. I went on a little trip to the world-famous Tonga Room, which is a... Yeah, mentioning stuff. All right, I know what you guys like. You want me to mention stuff. Can I just interject here, Jordan,

and just say there's a guy over here who just went, eh. You're not wrong, sir. So it's a tiki bar. It's in the lower, it's in the terrace area of a very nice hotel. I forget the name. Don't yell it out. I don't care.

Famous tiki bar. And one of the cool things is that they have a, it's like where the swimming pool used to be in the hotel. So there's a pool, everyone's nodding along, yes, I've seen this. And there's a boat in the pool that will come out periodically to the middle of the pool, and there's a band on it that will play mainly Steely Dan. Not exclusively, but 80-20. Yeah, absolutely. Every two or three songs is Steely Dan. Not exclusively, but 80-20.

Yeah, absolutely. Every two or three songs is Steely Dan. Which I am not complaining about, by the way. This is exactly the atmosphere. I mean, the overall theme of this place is Polynesian, but I would say that a sub-theme is divorce. I know that like you I don't know if you guys remember the old

Toys R Us slogan where a kid can be a kid this is where a divorcee can be a divorcee and so not important nothing really happened there it was nice I had a bad Mai Tai and then I'm so I'm walking back and there's these two guys

walking next to me and one of the guys he's talking like this he's got one of these voices he like he's it's a voice of a man who's gonna tell you what's coming up next on kevin can wait kevin fires a gun with his butt and hits a horse with his car. Coming up on Kevin Can Wait. And he's saying to the guy next to him, he's like, oh yeah, man, tonight my wife started crying and locked

herself in the bathroom, but that's life. That's married life. Oh, it shouldn't be. I'm not married. Does that happen a lot? Is that like she burned the roast? You guys are married.

Do the wives cry and lock themselves in the bathroom so often you can be flipped to your buddy about it? You shouldn't be bothered to keep track of what she does in there. You know what I mean? Women! Do you think that that is actually You can be bothered to keep track of what she does in there. You know what I mean? Women. Do you think that that is actually his sincere emotional voice?

He's just done too many elevator pitches? Yeah. I'm feeling really dark inside. So sad, my friend. So sad. It's like Pokemon Go, but for farmer's markets. My wife cuts herself just to feel.

It's like, oh, okay, that's just this guy's... I haven't talked to my kids in three years, and yes, they still live with me. Ever since the election, I've really been re-evaluating

what the word democracy means. That is my favorite thing about living in Cincinnati on your Lyft driver, Uber driver story, is watching liberal people in Ohio try to suss out if you're someone they can talk to about... My neighbor did it. No joke.

This is how he led the conversation. So I haven't listened to your podcast yet, but how are you going to talk about the presidency over the next four years so here's a question triumphantly what sort of lives matter what lives would you say matter Good anecdote.

Oh, do you have one? No, I was just figuring that this would be the perfect time. We've done a little bit of local pandering, but, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a list. Yeah, my specialty as a San Franciscan when we come here to SF Sketch Fest is to do a little, a little local color humor,

you know, like a little something with the flavor of the San Francisco Bay area. Um, I usually just come up here and list my favorite burrito places or whatever. Um, uh, El Farolito, uh,

the one in the OMI. Chipotle. Yeah. That was like, people were like oh shit not the mission one yeah the outer mission my friends but I figured I would switch I would switch things around instead of talking about burritos I actually made a list of the

Bay Area's top curries so are you guys ready for it the of the Bay Area's top curries. So are you guys ready for it? The San Francisco Bay Area's top curries. Number one on the list, Burma Superstar's Burmese-style curry. This flavorful curry is the specialty at one of San Francisco's top restaurants. Get it with chicken and lentils or go wild and get the seafood version, is the specialty at one of San Francisco's top restaurants. Get it with chicken and lentils or go wild and get the seafood version with shrimp or catfish. Number three, Burma Superstars Burmese-style curry.

Is the owner here tonight? Is that what that was? Yeah, that's like the most popular thing we've done so far. Yes! Steve Holt. That's like the most popular thing we've done so far. Yes! Steve Holt! Bay Area's top three curries. Number two, Stephen Curry.

This sharp-shooting point guard's fancy passing and penchant for deep trays helped bring the Bay Area an NBA championship. Now that's what I call flavor. Can we get him with lentils? Do the deep trays hold more curry? Don't derail the bit, Travis. Guys, this is going somewhere great. You're going to love this third one.

Top three Bay Area Currys. Of course, we come now to the number one Bay Area Curry. That is, of course, Mark Curry, a.k.a. Mr. Cooper. It's been 20 years since ABC's Hanging with Mr. Cooper left the air. But this local funny man is a beloved Bay Area staple. Whether he's hanging around various places, wearing a Warriors jersey various places, or yelling things.

Since Huey Lewis left town and Tracy Chapman's family name isn't Curry, Mark Curry is the Bay Area's number one Curry. Thank you. Hey guys, this is Jordan. I just wanted to break in and tell you about our awesome new sponsor, Jack Threads.

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tape, prepaid shipping labels, so easy. Go to jackthreads.com, enter code JJGO, you get 20% off anything you keep. jackthreads.com, JJGO, offer code, save 20% off, never buy before you try ever again. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do, adventurers? I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him.

It's very good. I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of The Adventure Zone, a podcast about family playing Dungeons & Dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit. I roll to charm new listeners. It is very effective.

Against all odds. Everybody, we're the Macroids. We host the Adventure Zones, a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast. We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them.

Maybe listen to us. We come out every other Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org. I think this promo is a critical hit. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, New York City, where he does a regular show with our friend Wyatt Cenac. Please welcome to the stage Don Will.

What's up, what's up? How you guys doing? Thank you. My entrance wasn't as graceful as Travis's, but you know, I've got to unravel this mic cord. So I put out a solo EP recently called Stop Waiting. It's full of anxious and depressed rap music. I figured I would do a little bit of that for you guys. I have one song to do. Here we go. Haven't rapped in a long time, so this is fun. Yeah. Huh. Yeah.

Work a lot, but it's not enough. Probably never will be. Suck it up, tough luck. Hard on myself because somebody gotta be dominant. The rough won't form from coddling. The landlord hates you and your lord laughs at you. This pity party poppin', they got orders too. Shit.

Uh, yeah, yeah. This pity party poppin', they got orders too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This pity party poppin', they got orders too. What kind of orders would they serve at a pity party though, seriously? I don't know. Yeah. What if you realize that you are the problem?

The weakest link connecting every bad thing. All of them hit dog hollering, I lost't know. stay, whatever that shit is, not interested in hanging out unless it's some kind of way, it generates amounts as we eat, scrape the dinner plate I'm out, trying to avoid beef, I guess I have the trout, can you really bite bitten flows, Instagram model rapper should just sit and pose, picture perfect flows, every bar I compose, it's the ballad of a menace, in landscape mode that's the picture perfect, get a glimpse

co-following, revival shit, I should just get a tent, the best to it since, the simpsons Clips to distance, to get sent to sites They're barely right, just invite, bait, and click Flip the switch, it's illuminating And I'll be right back for the few who are waiting Uh, flubbed a couple of lines, but I'll explain it later Shots fired, man down, tip-top champs down

Lip-lock clamped down, get the jock out Your mouth ain't Ralph's, sway, how him God say it now, Don Dub, Biggie Depp, yep, yep, no doubt, pick a side, not a sideline, waste yours, this is my time, yo, yo, friends win chimes, it's by the Brahms with Laura and her wife, chillin' door down time. Now a harmonica solo for my daughter. She was mortified when she heard herself on this song. And that's it, you know. I would do another one, but I don't think I can. I don't know if I can. Thank you. Don Well, ladies and gentlemen. Don, take a seat, bud.

That was fun, Don. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. You earned a Jordan Jessigo's greatest rap reception, which is interested attention. You earned a Jordan Jesse Goes greatest rap reception, which is interested attention. Well, performing in front of a seated audience is usually kind of hard, but you guys made it fun. Guys, next time try and fuck shit up.

Please? Don't embarrass us. Fuck shit up. Okay, throw a cherubi or something. Yeah. But hey, if you didn't fuck shit up for that, you're going to love this quiz. This is when you guys are going to start to go nuts. Yeah.

I think with the quiz, that's what we're doing next, right? Yeah, we're totally doing the quiz next. There's a fabulous prize. We're going to need two volunteers. Not only will you not win this dollar I'm putting back in my wallet, volunteers, not only will you not win this dollar I'm putting back in my wallet, but you will actually win this Southwest drink coupon that expires January 31st of this year. So fucking use it quick.

Good for beer, wine, or liquor. Soft drinks are free. So, you know, this doesn't get you anything in that zone, but beer, wine, or liquor on your next Southwest flight. In the next two weeks. In the next two or three weeks, so use it quick. Do we have two people who think they know a lot about the Internet here? I expected more of a response.

This motherfucker back here goes, ooh, ooh. Guy who yelled ooh, get up here. Give him a hand, everybody. I feel like I recognize a past Jordan, Jesse, go. Maybe it was a momentous occasion guest back here all the way in the corner wearing some kind of caftan. Yes, sir. You. Come on up. Get up here. Sir, on my left here on Don Will's team, what's your name?

My name is Daniel. Hi, Daniel. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's a joy to have you on the program. Don Will, Daniel will be on your team. team what's your name uh my name is daniel hi daniel welcome welcome to jordan jesse go it's a joy to have you on the program don will uh daniel will be on your team don and dan don and and uh over here sir wearing uh what appears to be a horse blanket pinned at the front that really looks great like i'm gonna be honest with you it looks fantastic what's your name james james and am i remembering correctly james that you were on a pastor and jessica correct what what what what did you do on that jordan jessica program i was excited about my dry cleaning which flash forward to today i was really stressed out i didn't have enough clothes

for this so you just went ahead and wore a bedspread. Yes. Again, the bedspread really looks great. One of my favorite things about Jordan Jessica is how hard it is to explain the show to people, because it's not easy to sum up what you guys do on the podcast in one or two sentences. And so for someone to say, what did you do the last time you were on the show? I was excited about my dry

cleaning. Yep. Sounds about right. He looks so cozy. So the name of this quiz is Real Buzzfeed Article or Some Shit We

Made Up. We will be presenting you with one real Buzzfeed article and two BuzzFeed articles that we just made the fuck up. And it will be your job to figure out which of them is real. Are you ready for this?

So ready. Does anyone here work at BuzzFeed? Okay, cool. Like, no, fuck you, Reddit! Magical for life, motherfuckers. I'm the only person that still works at Dig. I work at JibJab.

Don, Steve, what's your name again? Daniel. Daniel, okay. Don and Dan. D&D. I like it. D&D. Yeah, absolutely.

Who's going first, Jordan? Okay, let's have D&D go I like it. D&D. Yeah, absolutely. Who's going first, Jordan? Let's have D&D go first. Sure. Okay, which of these is a real BuzzFeed quiz? Or a real BuzzFeed article? Dogs can talk, they just don't speak English. 15 hedgehogs

with things that look like hedgehogs. Ooh, yeah. Eight puppies covered in real human blood. One of these is real. This is going to be harder than I thought. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I saw an Imgur album of the sea on Reddit the other day. You are one sick fuck.

Got a lot of free time on my hands guys I get it He said I'm pretty sure I saw it Like he's not subscribed to reddit Slash r slash puppies covered in Million and one That's why we're the best That dude is a moderator

When you get tired of dragons fucking cars There's only one place to go I will never get tired of dragons fucking cars I am so done with Dragons fucking cars I'm all only one place to go. I will never get tired of dragon's fucking cars. I am so done with dragon's fucking cars. I'm all about dragon's cucking cars. There's a car's husband crying in the corner. Why? But I also like it.

Any cucks in the audience? Lip tarts? Anyone a lip tart? Hell yeah. So which one of these is real? I think we're going to go with B. B. You're right.

That is totally real. You're absolutely correct. 15 hedgehogs. Boom. With things that look like hedgehogs. Okay, James and Travis, here are three. Identify which is real. Make toilet chili

the prison way the story of Egypt's revolution in Jurassic Park gifs somebody in the audience right now is like the story of Egypt's revolution in Jurassic Park gifs or six rock hard boners that prove you're an 80s baby revolution in Jurassic Park GIFs. Or

six rock hard boners that prove you're an 80s baby. It could be. One of these is real. I feel like I make toilet chili all the time. You don't even need a list of them. Somebody's been reading my diary.

We got some real characters up here. Are we shitting, giffing, or bonering? I unfortunately think it's B. Yeah, I'm going to go with B. It is B. The story of Egypt's revolution in Jurassic Park GIFs. Quality. You know, they do a lot of real journalism.

A lot of journalism. I mean, really, aren't Egypt's revolutionaries all just a bunch of clever girls? You know, a lot of people don't know this, but a key part of all of the revolutions in the Middle East, the ones that were driven by social media, well, on the one hand, social media, of course, hashtags and so forth. On the other hand, operating door handles. It could all work.

Hold on to your butts. Anyway. You know, my one worry about the Egyptian revolution, they were so worried about if they could. They didn't think about if they should. Yeah. That's like almost uncomfortably satirical. That's like almost uncomfortably satirical. We're not trying to say things about things here. No, no, no, no.

This is just dumb. Back to boners. Weird. Okay, D&D, this one's for you. Which of these is real? The Hall of Presidents and other places to crank it at Disneyland. Which of these is real? The Hall of Presidents and other places to crank it at Disneyland.

Disney princesses twerking will shatter your childhood. Oh, man. And two dwarves, one cup. Which of these Disney-themed BuzzFeed articles is real? All right, all right. You know, we're going to roll that D20 here at D&D side. Nice. And go with B. It is B.

Disney princesses twerking will shatter your childhood. Good call. I knew it because I think I saw that. No, we support everyone here, even the losers. You guys know your clickbait. This is going to be a good round. I can tell. Don saw that because he's subscribed to the Reddit subreddit

slash r slash Disney Princess is working. Of course. Okay. Will you do that, Don? James and Trav, here's yours. Which of these is a real BuzzFeed article? Can you make it through this post without feeling sexually attracted to food?

Ten sex jokes only Polynesian grandmas will get. Or these plus-size models inspire us to try heroin for the first time. Why are you guys owing that? What about that is offensive? There's a real... You guys don't even know. You don't fucking know. There's a real opiate crisis going on right now in America. We learned that from... Is the answer to all three of these

poi? Yes, this is the first one with no letter answer. It's just the word poi. How are you feeling? Do you want to talk this one out? I think this is one of the tougher ones. Yeah. Travis is just sitting there in stunned silence. We're going with A.

It is actually A. Can you make it through this post without feeling sexually attracted to food? The answer is no. There are some nasty calzones on that list. There are some fucking nasty calzones. With their husbands just crying in the corner. Dead Heat, two and two.

Dead Heat, two and two. Why don't we take it over to Dan and Don. Here we are. Which of these is a real BuzzFeed list? Eleven delightful poems found in Pornhub comments. I read a book and I almost liked it. Or Obama is definitely gay and that's great news for farmers. You can poll the audience.

Do you guys have a feeling about one or the other? I'm going to have to use a lifeline because I'm all about sowing seed, but I don't know about that one. What do you guys... Okay. Can we go to the audience? Dan, we're the entertainers here. I'm sorry. A? Yeah?

I'm hearing A. I think it might be A. I think so too. You're absolutely correct. Eleven delightful poems found in Pornhub comments. Thank you so much for validating my hobby. Writing Pornhub poetry. Yeah.

Okay. Who comments on porn videos? Who goes there for a purpose other than, you know, baiting? Sure. Who goes there for a purpose other than, you know, baiting? Sure. I think the more baffling thing is when you're enjoying an adult clip, there are the Twitter and Facebook buttons, as if it's something you just want to share.

The most, I don't know if I've said this on the show before, but the most embarrassing social media thing that's happened to me recently is that I went to Yogurtland at 9 on a Saturday, 9 p.m. on a Saturday. I went to Yogurtland, and if you check in on Yelp, you get 30% off. So I'm walking out of there with a buck 50 yogurt, basically.

This is a deal too good to pass up. So I checked in, and I did not know, but it pushed to Facebook, because it told everyone I was at Yogurtland at 9pm on a Saturday. Did not find out until the next day. But, you know, maybe that's just who I am.

I shouldn't be ashamed. Self-love. Hashtag one instinct. Okay. James and Trav, it's your chance to tie this thing up. I don't think I care about coach coupons. Oh, man. Oh, boy.

Okay, these are your guys' three. I do have the coupon. Thank you. The truth is, James will not fly if he doesn't get a free blanket. And I will ask for two. Okay, for you guys to tie it up,

which Olsen twin movie love interest should you have dated based on your zodiac sign? Ten gifts that prove Disney princesses suffer from IBS. Twelve dogs who will suck your dick right now. Are we still on point? Right now? Right now.

Number three will shock you. With or without the human blood? Doesn't say. Unclear. Unclear as to whether or not these dogs are covered in human blood while they are sucking your dick. Thank you for asking for clarification. Sorry? I think it's the Marcy May Marlene one.

Which one's that? The Olsen twin. Yeah, yeah. Deep cut. All right. A. I don't want to lose, though. Final answer. It is A. all right A I don't want to lose though final answer

it is A what Olsen twin movie love interest should you have dated based on the Zodiac sign funny sir we picked that one when the

when the the Trump memo you guys know the PP memo came out I went on BuzzFeed to read it and that Olsen twin thing

was right fucking under it like after you've gotten done reading about to read it, and that Olsen twin thing was right fucking under it. Like, after you've gotten done reading about the possible corruption at the highest level of government, find out which Olsen twin love interest you should date based on your Zodiac sign. Just putting it out there, you can decide what to do with this information.

Okay, so we are all tied up. We have one more. Again, we've failed to work out the game part of this. So why don't we just do a thing? Why don't you guys, whoever thinks they know this first, buzz in with an eh. Let's say eh. Eh.

There you go. Cool. If you're having trouble saying eh, just imagine what the listener at home is saying to this whole program. I wonder what's happening on sword and scale this week. Probably a murder. Powered in blood. Yeah.

Okay, so say and, and then if you get it wrong, you'll get a chance to steal. For all the marbles, and by all the marbles, I mean one coupon for a tiny plastic cup of wine on Southwest. Which of these is real? Come on, that's not racist. Eight jokes only grandpas will find funny. Twelve times Beyonce made us say, holy fuck,

I should call my dad. And these reports allege Trump has deep ties to Russia. Yeah, I see over here, looks like James and Trav have buzzed in. It's C. Yeah. It's C. You're absolutely right.

Congratulations. I did it, Dad! Thank you, Dad. Thank you, James. Thank you. A joy to have you on the program. Dan and James, ladies and gentlemen. You're listening to Jordan Jesse Go Live, recorded at SF Sketch Fest. This week's show brought to you in part by our friends at Talkspace, the online therapy community. It's really easy using Talkspace to connect with an actual licensed therapist.

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La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. From time to time on this show, we ask you, the listener, to call in with something momentous that's happened to you. On our live programs, you write them on these handy-dandy note cards delivered to us by the handsome and hilarious Brian Fernandez. Oh, before we start, can I get in one last little bit of local pandering? Yes, of course. Guys,

this delicious Anchor Steam beer sure is refreshing. Anchory. Does anybody, okay, does anyone, you guys know Joe's Cable Car Restaurant, recently closed in the Outer Mission. Joe grinds his own fresh Chuck Daly.

I broke my Joe grinds his own fresh Chuck Daly stein. If any of you guys finds one at Thrift Town or Community Thrift or whatever, holler at me. Wait, is this just Craigslist now? Yes. I need a new vanity. If anybody has a lead on one, I'll come pick it up. You know who was on the guest list at last night's Judge

John Hodgman show? Craig. True story. Dad jokes. True story. No, that's real. Fucking Craig from Craig's List. Really? What? Yeah, for real. Now, I have a question about Craig from Craig's List. I have a question about Craig for Craigslist.

I have a question. Yeah. Is he as 420 friendly as they say? Is he as no drama and 420 friendly as they say? Where's Anna? Anna, come on up. Quickly, quickly, quickly. Or Anna.

Could be Anna. A-N-A. Hey. She's running. Here she is. Hey. All right. Hi. Hi. Is it Anna or Anna this microphone. Hi. Hi.

Is it Anna or Anna? Anna. Anna, welcome to the program. So tell us, what's your momentous occasion? I escaped from my four-and-a-half-year-old daughter today. Oh. And my husband, because our babysitter got pneumonia, so he graciously volunteered to let me come.

Oh. That's sweet. That's sweet. It's the first time I've been out in years. Now, will you take this opportunity to cuckold him? To make a cuckold of him, I guess I should say. This is a superb cuck-portunity. Yeah.

There are some cucks in the audience. You know who you are. And so do we. Yeah, you nasty motherfuckers well if there's dragons involved yeah ideally I have to say that when you say that you escaped your daughter to come here

I sincerely imagine just you holding hands with an 8 year old at the mall and then just giving her the slip and jumping in a cab your daughter following you in a car close behind you it has not even occurred to me that you might be having Your daughter following you in a car close behind you. It has not even occurred to me that you might be having provision

for her child care. She keeps finding me. So do you have to run straight home after this or do you have a whole day to spend? Well, I had to turn my phone off for the show. So I'm not sure where they are.

They're out. I don't know if everything's okay as far as I know. For the show. For the show. So if they're fine, you could stay out and score drugs. That'll be nice. That'll be fun. That'll be fun.

Would you characterize yourself as 420? No drama? I've mighty attempted since January 1st Yeah Well Anna thank you so much Anna ladies and gentlemen Okay I'm gonna say Aditya

Yes sir Give him a hand. Hi. Was that right? Aditya? Yeah. You actually got it pretty well. I didn't have trouble. Congratulations to me.

Aditya, what is your momentous occasion? I just recently confirmed that I'm going to be working at Google. Oh, congratulations. I have to say, I work at Google as a contractor. If I say I work for Google, apparently that's like a big crime. Oh, wow. Well, I just want to say, enjoy my nudes.

That you'll be able to look at. They are not good. These are very bad nudes. And I think as a contractor at Google, the good news is you won't have to worry about having health insurance. Yeah, that's going to be a problem. So what will your duties be at Google? CEO. Something about statistics they haven't really told me. Something about statistics they haven't really told me.

Something about statistics they haven't really told me. You're going to become Google's wet man. You're just going to be killing people for Google. This is awesome. I love the idea that everything at Google is like on a need-to-know basis. Like he works on the dark ops team at Google. Yeah, basically my whole job is taking packages and leaving them in the park.

When asked questions, I just put it under the bench, they tell me. I didn't get an employee handbook, but they did give me this capsule I'm supposed to bite open if I get captured. If someone from Bing captures you. Do not give up company secrets.

When do you start? Tuesday. Tuesday. Okay, long weekend. So you're going to just fucking rage this weekend? You're going to go nuts on MLK Day? You seem like a rager is why we pick him up. You seem like you fuck shit up.

Probably. Yeah. Hey, give him a hand, everybody. Good job. You, you, you. Chris S. Chris S., where are you? Come on up.

Hi, Chris. How you doing, buddy? What's your momentous occasion? So I was walking up to the grocery store with my wife. I saw a woman leaving, pushing a cart that only contained two loaves of bread. She looked over her shoulder, kind of like someone was looking at her. She threw both loaves of bread in the trash and then walked off.

That's awesome. Congratulations, Chris. Thank you. We're very proud of you. Chris, ladies and gentlemen. I know for the question. That'll be all. That will be all. Chris. Thank you. We're very proud of you. Chris, ladies and gentlemen. That'll be all. That will be all, Chris. You're listening to Jordan, Jesse Go Go! recorded live at SF Sketch Fest. I'm Jesse Thorne backstage. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective, also backstage.

And hey, if you're listening to this and you're a Jordan Jesse Go! fan, maybe you would like a handsome T-shirt or poster with this year's slogan, Punch a Blimp. Let's punch a blimp, ladies and gentlemen, online at maxfundstore.com available for two weeks only you've only got two weeks to get to maxfundstore.com and grab your

sweet let's punch a blimp t-shirt designed by our colleague sunny d brian fernandez they're really awesome go grab one maxfundstore.com let's get back to the show. How about one more? Let's talk to Lisa. Where's Lisa? Lisa, come on up. Lisa, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Lisa.

How are you? I'm well. How are you? Oh, very well. Thank you for doing a pose while you said that. I strike a pose and I well how are you it's sketch fest and also fashion week here so so um for context for this momentous occasion i have uh recurring anxiety dreams about uh needing to pee and not having a private place to do so

and um just last week i was on a sailboat. Oh, boy. We'd been out for like three hours. I really had to pee. And so I peed in a bucket and I overcame my... Yay! Congratulations. Congratulations to Lisa. So, wait.

No, you're not done. We have 45 minutes of questions. Now, did you ask the owner of the boat, where does one pee? Yes. And they presented you with a bucket. Yes, which he had recently used himself. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You were on water, right?

Yes, but I was waiting for us to get out and swim, but apparently the winds or the currents or something were not right for that. Okay, the owner of the boat that gave you the bucket, right, that had recently used it, was the male? Yes, that's correct. So he had just put his feet in the bucket. And there was water everywhere around the boat. I'll see what you're getting at

so apparently well this is actually something interesting that I learned he used to do commercial fishing and apparently there are regulations about urination and it's not legal to pee off the side of the boat but you can pee in a bucket and then dump it off

that seems hard to believe I'm no nautical man but that seems like a in a bucket and then dump it off the boat. That seems hard to believe. Ah, I saw it! I'm no nautical man, but that seems like a... I think this man's just collecting pee. I think this man is a pee collector. How did you find the experience? Was it...

Was it difficult? How difficult was it? You know, it was all right. It was a gentle rocking of the boat that I found soothing. Oh. Also, there were whales frolicking all around. Oh, that's nice. That's a nice image. Can you describe the bucket?

Was it like a five-gallon Home Depot number? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so it felt substantial. It felt substantial, yeah. I could brace myself against it. That's nice. Yeah. That's nice.

I mean, it's all terrible, but... It was a really big breakthrough moment for me. Did you cry? I did not cry. Now that you give it time, broken the seal, as it were, where will you be peeing in the future? Only time will tell. Okay, yeah, I mean, hey.

How about a hand for Lisa, everybody? Lisa! Ladies and gentlemen, where she wants. Let's do one more. Where's Jesse? Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Come on up, Jesse. There's Jesse. What did you

pee in? I realize I filled that out wrong. I did something that I did a long time ago, but there was something that missed occasion that I did yesterday, which was kind of cool. I interviewed... Go ahead and call an audible. I interviewed somebody who I'd been trying to track down

for a very, very long time. Your birth father? The general counsel for the Golden State Warriors and a former rapper who I really admired. Who's that? Cap D, David Kelly, for the general counsel for the Golden State Warriors. He's also a rapper, Cap D, from Chicago.

Wow. What was the one you were going to tell? Because that one wasn't that good. I mean, I'm happy for you and everything, but you're really... You're following a story where someone pissed in a bucket on a fucking sailboat. Okay, okay.

Okay, almost 15 years... Look, if you had come up here and you can't name obscure Chicago rappers, okay? Okay, okay. If you say, oh yeah, the general counsel of the Warriors is Saphir from Hobo Junction. What a place where I've gone up in flames. Okay, okay.

Famous Chicago rapper. This is the original story. Okay, so say 15 years ago, I... Pep Love from Hieroglyphics. Eat in a bucket. That's the kind of story we're looking for. Okay, I interviewed Kanye West on the phone, and he was a supreme douchebag and treated me like crap, and I felt like horrible, but then I realized a couple weeks later

that he just treats everybody like shit, and then I interviewed him. I felt much, much better about myself, that if he treated Ellen so horribly, then if he treated me like crap, it's not that big of a deal. Do you think that maybe he was just romantically interested in you? And that's how he... I think he's just... It was a nag. That is his way of flirting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just flirting with everyone all the time, including himself. Yeah, probably. For what outlet were you interviewing Kanye West? Scion Magazine. Scion the car? Yeah, they had contents. Oh, they had a content. To be clear, Scion the car? Yeah they had contents To be clear

Scion the defunct car brand magazine Was Opel magazine not available? They had Saturn magazine I like her Dodge Dark Quarterly I will say they had amazing socks too Great socks

They used to make socks Did Scion go out of business because they spent all their, too. Great socks. They used to make socks. Great socks. Socks are amazing. Great socks. Did Scion go out of business because they spent all their money on magazines and socks? Yeah, they had a reputable magazine back then that did culture and stuff like that, and they wanted me to interview Kanye West back before he was, you know,

Kanye West. Was Scion magazine like Skyways magazine where you only find it in the back? Yeah, you got it when you bought the car. And it was online. Is it to order a Sasquatch for your garden? Hey, how about a hand, everybody? Hey, I don't know if we have anything planned,

but me and Don will have something we want to do before we go. Oh, yeah, I would love to know what you two want to do. I wanted to say that I once saw JT the Bigger Figure shit in a hole. Game recognized game, folks. We wanted to go, if we're all done here, we wanted to go out on the water bottle flip challenge. So we're each going to try it.

If somebody fucking gets it, you guys are gonna go apeshit, right? Okay, do you wanna go first or should I go first? You go first. And I should explain, this came out of what these two guys have been doing for 45 consecutive minutes backstage.

Obsessively, these two grown adults. If we don't get this, this will be the most anti-climactic end to a podcast ever. We'll just have to... We'll fucking figure it out. You'll just have to think of a local member of Living Legends. Yeah.

Okay, so Jesse, you think of something that people will clap about. Okay. Probably the famous clam chowder. And then we'll... Okay, so do we decide who's going first? The secret is, at the end of the day, all you have to do is say Mac Dre

and you're set. Are you going first? I'll go first. I have to stand up for it. I'm worried about the table cough. There's a lot of X-Factors here. I drank a little of my water too, so it's weighted weird.

Donwell is holding his water bottle slightly above the ground he's preparing we see him and it landed on its side insufficient height says Don now it's Jordan's turn to steal

this is for all the marbles pretty much no matter what happens the audience is going to go apeshit because we need to go out on something big get your local reference ready if I don't hit this What happens? The audience is going to go apeshit because we need to go out on something big. Get your local reference ready if I don't hit this. Okay. Jordan Morris!

Donnell! Travis McElroy! Brian Fernandez! Our thanks to SF Sketchfist! Jordan Morris! Donnell! It's the SF Sketch Fest. Thank you.