Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 465: Dorm Frosted with Mike Schmidt

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

Comedian Mike Schmidt joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of everyone's hairstyle history, Mike's mom's criminal past, and Jordan's run in with Ru Paul at work.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we talk for a while. That's true. And then the show ends and you listen to something else. Let's say, oh oh i don't know the slate culture gab fest jordan have you ever looked at we have a kind listener who takes notes while

he listens to jordan jesse go of just things that stand out to him yeah and he'll share that like on the on the reddit or the facebook right? Yeah, he makes a Google Doc of this. I look at that and I think, this is what I'm doing with my life. If you just read it, if you just were to read it, it would seem like something they found at a serial killer's house. Something they retrieved. It is in an evidence locker. It may have been written in feces. I just look at the list and think, who am I? What is this? What choices have I made?

These are the kinds of questions that come up for me. I made a choice today. What choice did you make? So I like to have a little snack before I come over here. I usually eat dinner afterwards. Okay. Go into the fridge. I've got a clamshell of blackberries. I learned that word the last time we talked about berries.

Right. It's what blackberries come in. Right. They also like to come in Mrs. Blackberry when they're trying to get pregnant. Hey, I like to come in that clamshell. Am I right? Sure, yeah. Only on your birthday. That's the only time my wife will let me fuck with this blackberry.

Does this make sense? Is this coherent? Hard to say. So I'm getting these out of the fridge. I can't wait to see it on the list. I'll just say that. Hold on, Mike. No, why don't we introduce Mike and then he can comment on my Barry story,

which, spoiler alert, is bad. I want to see the Google Doc coming in a clamshell Blackberry thing. I'm excited for that to see next week. Our guest on the program, beloved regular guest on Jordan Jesse Go, although I think it's been a few years now, he's the host of the long

running smash hit podcast, The 40-Year-Old Boy. Okay, the long running podcast. Thank you, I'll hit podcast, The 40-Year-Old Boy. Okay, the long-running podcast. Thank you. I'll take that. The 40-Year-Old Boy. Since we last saw him, he's grown a disturbing new hairstyle that makes him, coincidentally, look like he's going to a concert of the band Disturbed.

Mike Schmidt. Hey, I feel bad for leaping in there, but I apologize. It was just too much. Don't worry. It's too much. Don't worry about it. Clamshells and blackberries and Google Docs. How am I supposed bad for leaping in there, but I apologize. It was just too much. Don't worry. It's too much. Don't worry about it. Clamshells and blackberries and Google Docs. How am I supposed to sit that out?

Okay, so here's the thing, Mike. You are a monstrous and occasionally violent man. Yes. And so you have to make a choice. And we're going to get back to these blackberries in a second. I can't wait. Oh, it's fine if we don't. You have to make a choice.

If something more interesting comes along, I am perfectly happy. Don't see that happening. Yeah. You every day make a choice. You say, am I going to take the fact that I'm bigger than everyone around me and be – and Ron Funches it, which is to say, go, that sounded contemptuous, but it was fond of Ron. Ron funches is wonderful. But like, are you going to be? That's his laugh, which is, yeah, one of the best.

It's one of the top laughs in the world. Are you going to be like, make it clear to everyone, I am no threat to you. I am a gentle giant through your physical presentation. Or are you going to just go ahead and say, I can terrify everyone. Why not? Well, this was not a choice to terrify, certainly.

I guess to describe that, I would... Well, today's haircut day. I'm here in a... Literally, this is fresh. Just this morning. I mean, I wear it like this, but a month ago is when the last cut was, so I had hair before I came just this morning. I mean, I wear it like this, but a month ago, you know, is when the last cut was. So I had hair before I came here this morning and then my girl is going out of town forever. So I had to go get one last zip. Yeah.

I would guess, I mean, I would describe it as misfits-esque. Okay. Would you? Is that accurate? I will describe it. I guess you're sure. I will describe it. It's sort of medium long on the top, longer in the back, with totally shaved sides all the way down to the back. Yeah. It's to the skin on the sides and in the back.

And there's only hair on the top. But this would be that Nazi cut, the under swing or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, the Macklemore. There you go. Exactly. But it's longer in the back. I just decided once, I said to Natalie,

the girl who cuts my hair, I go, I don't think I want to lose the length. She goes, don't. And when that happens, when you get seconded on your stupid idea. Yeah, when you get

the okay from Natalie. Of course. Natalie gives you the go ahead. Natalie gives the thumbs up. Yeah, because she wants to cut hair. That's her whole deal. Sure. But then she's just like,

no, don't. And so we've let it run amok. Wow. Do you think that Macklemore is really pissed about these Nazis? He's like, that's the last thing I had, my famous haircut. Sure. Yeah, I guess Macklemore. I mean, what's the next hairstyle for him?

Where do you go from this, I guess, is the question. I'm thinking like a 90s George Clooney Caesar. What about just shaving the middle? Oh, yeah guess, is the question. I'm thinking like a 90s George Clooney Caesar. What about just shaving the middle? Oh, yeah. Long on the sides. Whoa. He does hawks from the road warriors? 80s wrestlers?

Yeah, it's all of this. Yeah. That's the reverse hawk, right? Isn't that what the, when you, because you have the Mohawks, the hair in the middle. But then when you bang out the middle, that's the reverse. Oh, yeah. So that could maybe be Macklemore's way of saying, I stand against the men who have appropriated my haircut. Yeah.

I'm reversing their hairstyle. I am the yin to their yang. I'm a rapper, but I like homosexuality. But I'm not gay. Let's make that clear. That was a Macklemore impression. Yeah. You said you just like him. You know what? I like Macklemore fine. I got no was a Macklemore impression. Yeah. You said you just like him.

You know what? I like Macklemore fine. I got no problem with Macklemore, sincerely. So, okay. So, wait. So, you were talking about why you got this cut, and you said that your girl is leaving town forever? Well, the woman who cuts my hair has cut my hair for 11 years. She's actually absconding.

She's heading off to Detroit to live her life. Is it because of your hair? It is. I've chased her off. She was horrified by it and said, that's it. I can't do it anymore. She said, if it gets to a certain length, I'm leaving town. How long have you had your relationship with Natalie?

Probably 11 years she's been cutting my hair. Wow. That's a long ship. You know what's so funny? And again, because this is a simple cut. It's literally just a zero guard around the side and then clean up the ends if it's fuzzy. But I don't trust anybody else. Even today, I'm like, who can cut my hair?

She's like, literally a chimp. I don't know. It's just get out. Goodbye. It takes 11 minutes. I don't even speak the same language as the people who cut my hair. Really? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And I love the people that cut my hair. I want to be dead clear on this. I fucking love... So I had the most wonderful barber. We talked about him at the time on Jordan, Jessica, my barber, Jerry. Jerry

had been cutting hair since the 50s when he was like 13 years old. His father owned the barber shop. May I jump in? Yeah. Do you let a 13-year-old cut your hair? Absolutely. I mean, even if it is Jerry, I know you trust Jerry.

But if you went into a shop now. If I'm not an entertainer, yes. I got $20 on that. Seriously. If I am an entertainer, yes, YouTube video. My God, look at you. You're doubling up. Well, I think it was World War II.

All the men were off fighting. Yeah. And all the boys had to cut the hair. Well, I think it was World War II. All the men were off fighting. Yeah. And all the boys had to cut the hair. Yeah, they had one-armed baseball players. Well, yeah, the girls played baseball. Yeah. And then Pete Gray, he played baseball. Yeah.

And then everybody else was out cutting the hair. And the teens were cutting hair and the toddlers were working in the factories. Would you let- Making bullets and munitions. Sure. Would you let one-armed pitcher Jim Abbott cut your hair? Whoa. Oh, boy, what a treat.

That's a rough one. You got to figure he's got dexterity. I let him cut the sides and the back. He can't cut the top. Yeah. Because that's a pull down fingers, get to the split end, snip, snip. That's a two-hand operation. That's a good point.

If Abbott calls Pete Gray, I let the two of them cut my hair. Would you say, would Pete Gray in this situation be a zombie Pete Gray or the ghost of Pete Gray? I'm going to go ghost, honestly. I don't let a zombie near this cut. Hey, guys. Give us a call. Let us know who you would rather have cut your hair, a zombie or a ghost. Personally, I'm going Frankenstein.

Really? That guy's got a memorable hair. You go off the board? Oh, yeah. He's got a memorable head of hair. That's a flat lid, though. It's iconic. But it wasn't his to begin with.? Oh, yeah. He's got a memorable head of hair. That's a flat lid, though. It's iconic. But it wasn't his to begin with.

He had no choice. It's not like he chose that cut. That's a good point. You're right. Do you think he needs to get a haircut? Sorry. Frankenstein's monster. Oh, it stopped.

No, no. It stopped. It's true. It's a good point. I want to cut my hair. Frankenstein himself, he cuts my hair. Frankenstein's monster. You pick him?

Yeah. All right. That's what I'm going with. Frankenstein's monster. I'm sticking with it. In my mind, his iconic flat top was his Yeah. All right. That's who I'm going with, Frankenstein's monster. I'm sticking with it. In my mind, his iconic flat top was his idea. All right. And yeah, we just didn't see that in any of the movies or anything.

Okay. So Jerry not only was in the comics. They filmed that scene and it was cut. Oh, my God. That scene is terrible. They literally filmed it for two days and went, we're going to lose all the haircut stuff. Frankenstein trying different hairstyles. Can we put a Hall & Oates song behind it and make it a fun montage?

Igor bringing in different skulls with different hairstyles and then just plying them on. Oh, I love it. I want to watch that. Jerry would have. Uh, perm bad. Jerry had those things that you strap onto your hands to make a massage. Oh, yeah, yeah. Natalie does it. Because I go to one of those, you know, hip, hey, to make a massage. Oh, yeah, yeah. Natalie does it.

Because I go to one of those, you know, hip, hey, men, come here places. Yeah, hey, men. Number one, Natalie sounds great. I can see why you're upset that you're losing it. Oh, it's terrible. But Jerry would do that the whole nine yards, and he was real gentle, and he was from L.A., but he was like 75. So he'd be like, he called me babe totally sincerely and effectively. Like completely, hey, babe, how's it going?

Hey, Jerry, I love you. Can I marry you? But Jerry retired. So I was casting around. I tried going to the places that are like chain hipster hairstyling places. They're very popular in Los Angeles. I couldn't get that going. I couldn't get it working.

It was too expensive. And so I started going to a place that's just right down the block that is like there's never white people in there. But there are sometimes black people in there, which I feel like means that you can trust a barber if a black person will trust a non-African-American barber to cut their hair. I feel like that means their fade game is tight. Okay. You know what I mean? If they need a line cut, they're going to get it right.

Sure. But yeah, nobody in there really... There's one new guy whose English is better but the amount of English is basically the number on the thing and then a few important hair words, like fade taper. You know what I mean? Jerry. But it's fucking tremendous.

I love it to death. The only weird thing is that they shot... I'm guessing it's been a barbershop since... It's in the bottom of a hotel that is not a hotel, hasn't been a hotel for decades, where they only shoot stuff right on the corner here. Oh, okay. Innumerable things are shot there. I was watching the Naked Gun the other day, and there was a scene in there. Actually, there was a scene in the lobby of this building in the Blade Runner trailer.

Oh, okay. The Blade Runner trailer. So anyway, but there's on one side of the building, there's just a row of little storefronts and there's businesses in there, you know, mostly primarily phone card sales. Jesus. Not lawyers doing lawyer things. That would be another category. But in the one that I go to, I mean, maybe it's been a barbershop since this hotel opened in 1930 or whatever when this was a swanky Los Angeles neighborhood. And it had no signs, no anything.

It was just a bare barbershop with a window. It didn't even have a name as far as I can tell. The pole? There was no pole. No pole? No pole. There was no nothing. nothing but they shot something in there the other day and they did that kind of you know that kind of hand-painted golden black lettering uh that is very popular in a hipster business these days

they did that they wrote like elegant barbershop or something for the purposes of the filming um and it is so it is so profoundly incongruous with the content that are just 12 Central American men watching Blair Witch the TV show in Spanish. Blair Witch the TV show? I think that's what they were watching. I think there was a Blair Witch TV show. Okay. I don't know.

Is it a one-seasoner or something? They have DVDs of it? I don't know. On MTV, maybe? Huh. Yeah, I don't think I made that up. That's plausible to me. Yeah.

That seems like something that happened. It was. I mean, it could have just been a latter day Blair Witch. Sure. Have there been a lot of Blair Witches? Yeah. I think they made like three of them. And then they just made a new one, which was like a kind of a remake of the first one.

Yeah. Maybe that's what they were watching. So I guess here's my understanding of the Blair Witch. I came here for this. Yeah. This is more interesting than that Blackberry story that I probably won't finish. Doubtful. So you got the Blair Witch.

You get the Blair Witch 2 colon Book of Shadows. Right. Which I remember seeing in high school and walking out and saying to my friends, I don't think they had a Book of Shadows in that. So pure, pure sequel title nonsense. Wasn't that like a weird deconstruction of the first one in some way, like a Gremlins 2 situation? So it took place in a world where the first movie was a hit, and I guess they were dealing with like a copycat killer or something. Sorry, spoilers for Blair Witch, colon Book of Shadows. Got it.

And I guess they- 12 Central American barbers just hang their heads. Yeah. So upset right now. Right, que triste. Sorry, fellas, why are you listening to this podcast in a language you don't speak? Yeah. Sir, if you're right.

The new guy could, I mean, the new guy's English is stronger than the- Okay. So maybe he's listening to the podcast and describing it to them. Yeah. And then they're all disappointed that I spoiled- He's Jose Thorne. Yeah. He's interpreting.

I spoiled Blair Witch colon Book of Shadows. Then I guess there was a new one which I did not see that I guess was a sequel to the first one that assumed the first one existed. So. Okay. There you go. Maybe that's what they were watching. Maybe that is what they were watching.

One time they were watching Planet of the Apes fight on Golden Gate Bridge. Mm-hmm. They were watching that and then soccer games. That's fun. I go to a man for my haircuts who is much like a Jerry.

Yeah. But he is not nice. He is cranky. Why do you go? Just close to the house, walking distance. But it's worth incivility to not go an extra block?

Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's a... Okay, here's why go an extra block? Yeah. No. Okay. Here's why. So inexpensive. And again, yeah, I agree with Jesse. If you're going to a Floyd's or a Lloyd's or a Chichu's.

Droids. Droids. Yeah. And avoid the noise. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's a terrible place to get your hair cut. Yeah.

I avoid that. Honestly. I'd be honest with you. Will you get your hair cut by a beautiful tattoo woman? Sure. I mean, that's the main- Will you drop 50 bucks and be a little bit mad about it? Absolutely.

Yeah. Mean Jerry's cutting my hair for 20 bucks. Yeah. Well, that's the thing about the place around my corner. When I started going there maybe five, six years ago, $10. Yeah. Sure. So I'm going in there giving the guy $15, telling him to keep it.

Blowing his mind. Feeling like a king. Now it's up to $15. I give him $20, but I resent it. So Mean Jerry, long gray ponytail. Yeah. A lot of Indian, Native American shit hanging up in the barbershop. Like a lot of paintings of a man and a wolf gazing out over a moonlit-

You like staring at a dream catcher when you get trimmed up? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Me and Jerry's got a stack of 90s Playboys. Whoa. And you can thumb through them while you cut your hair. Let me tell you what, those girls with a Pac-10 were looking pretty good in 1995. Hubba hubba.

Arizona State. Ooh, ooh la la. She just graduated. Magna cum laude. Ha ha, cum. Hey, that's not really what I was going for. No, you were. No, you're right, I was.

I'm sorry. I think actually in those 90s Playboys, that's where, because I discovered Natalie completely by accident. In the 1990s Playboys, that's where, because when I discovered Natalie completely by accident. In the 1990s Playboys. Exactly. There was a Floyd's by my house. I was looking for a joint and I walked in and there was a girl who just, she had gone to the Pamela Anderson School of Ladies. I mean, she just

zoffedig. She looked like a, she walked off a mud flap and started cutting hair. And I sat with her and she, you know, shoulder fucked me for a while and that was great. And then I walked out of there and I'm like, my hair, you know, shoulder fucked me for a while and that was great and then I walked out of there

and I'm like, my hair looks awful. This is terrible. And then the next time I went back, Natalie was there. I mean, you would receive the shoulder fucking

you desire. Which is big, certainly. Yeah. But then Natalie was there. There's a nice sensitive spot right between the blades. Jerry used to give me a- Don't neglect the blades.

Jerry used to give me a gorgeous shoulder fuck. Really? Oh, yeah. He had the techniques. He had the expertise, the experience. Oh used to give me a gorgeous shoulder funk. Really? Oh, yeah. He had the techniques. He had the expertise, the experience. Oh, babe. Oh, babe.

When I was describing 90s Playboys, I had a weird remembrance of something that I had not remembered in years. My dad was like a Playboy subscriber, so they were always like, you know, under the towels. There's always one under the good towels. You could check out there and and see the new see the new ish

and uh i remember like the playboy doing a thing like girls of blank like and it's all women who had worked somewhere oh yeah like the girls of starbucks sure yes and they always be they'd have the hottest one on the cover with just an apron on, the Starbucks apron. Yeah, you gotta. And then you'd get in and you'd be like, oh, these girls look and work at Starbucks. And I'm not disparaging them, but for Playboy, certainly, that was the hook. And you understood, well, that's their back door into the magazine. Anyway.

Oh, so you're saying that these women are sneaking into Playboy? They are. That's how. They actually heard tell of this being plotted by the editors and got jobs at Starbucks just to try to do it. So you think they're doing like a half day on a Sunday. Yeah. Punching in. Took a lot of vacation time after that.

They cleaned the bathroom. Oh, yeah. No, that's grim. Someone has to do that, right? I think so. I think cleaning the bathroom is easier than like learning all the drinks, which is probably the time consuming thing. So I think if you are just working at Starbucks to get in the Playboy spread, you're going to want to do the you know, more like general tasks, you know. Yeah. But do you think a girl with four inch fingernails wants to clean the bathroom ever? know? Yeah, but do you think a girl with four-inch fingernails wants to clean the bathroom ever? Yeah, well, I don't think she wants to learn

what the difference between a mochaccino and an ice blend it is. She doesn't have to spell them. She's just got to make them. No, I think it's just where, how much time are you investing in this fake job? Yeah, you're a ringer. You're a ringer. Does she have to go through the whole playbook?

You know, if you're a backup quarterback, you've got to memorize the playbook. You've got to know there's two shots of this and four squirts of that. Yeah. So on and so forth. It's complicated. There's a whole. I mean, have you tried to order a cup of coffee?

Guys. Oh, boy, I'll tell you. Nonfat chai grande. No whip. Nonfat soy. I mean, is this a cup of coffee or is it something else? And these fucking communist cups. Thank you.

I know. Put Jesus on them. Yeah. Year round. Put a crucified Christ on the cups year round. I want to feel his pain. I want to feel the blood of Christ. His pain.

Blood of Christ. Blood of Christ. Blood of Christ. Mike, thank you for joining in on that. I'm sorry that I bailed on it. I'm disappointed, honestly. It was just about to get going, too. I could tell.

We'll find some other chance to chant Blood of Christ later in the podcast. Mike, how do you feel about the new haircut? Kill the pig. Slit her throat. Spill her blood. Yeah. Well, if Piggy won't give us the conch. Can't get that conch away from Piggy.

Gotta get that conch. Gotta us the conch. Can't get that conch away from Piggy. Oh, got to get that conch. Got to get the conch. So, Mike, is this the most outrageous hairstyle you've ever had? Did you have a mohawk as a kid? Have you ever had something more standout-y than this? No, I had. When I was a kid, I had. I mean, my hair was super thick. It looked like, because I put up pictures, old pictures on social media, and people were like, Jesus, look at that perm.

And I'm like, nope, that's all Schmidt. That's all me. Yeah, wow. My hair was, like, curled, but also I had it feathered back. It was just – I had a monstrous head of hair. And I actually had this hairstyle in, like, 93. I mean, it wasn't long in the back. Yeah, yeah.

But it was all up, you know, cut underneath. When you were in Pantera. Exactly, yeah. And you'll enjoy this. I had, then I got long and the bulls were the bulls then. And so I got the tips blonde for Rodman when he was there. Oh, yeah. And, and so I literally, I'm sitting there with the, you know,

all shaved on the sides and I got the long hair and I'm in the foil. I met a stylist with the hair in the foil to get that. And you're, you got to give that like three hours at least. And after an hour, I go, just take it off. I can't. I really can't. And they took it off. So then it was more of a dirty dishwater, I suppose.

Yeah. And I was more of a Swen Nader than a Rodman. And that killed it because that killed the hair on the ends. And then I had to just cut the hair off and go back to a normal cut. You ever have a highlight or a frosted tip, Jordan? No. I've had... My hair has only been... I imagine four jocks picking you up in high school, throwing you in the back of their

lifted pickup truck and forcing you to frost your tips. You got to frost those tips, buddy. Then we all drove off to the Sugar Ray concert. Did a little bit of kissing that we didn't tell anybody about. Till now. Till now. Oh, boy. What the... Sorry, buddy. Then we all drove off to the Sugar Ray concert. Did a little bit of kissing that we didn't tell anybody about. Till now. Till now. Oh, boy. What the?

Sorry, fellas. Yeah, so let's see. I hate to kiss and tell, but I love to kiss and tell. So I have not had a lot of different hairstyles. I've had very long hair. Well, you have a very curly set. So, I mean, I would imagine it's hard to frost any of that. This is have had- Well, you have a very curly set. So, I mean, I would imagine it's hard to frost any of that.

This is all Schmidt. Oh, sure it is. It's all Schmidt up here. But if that gets long, it all stays pin curl tight? Is that how it works? It does. Yeah, yeah. This is all pretty natch. I don't really do anything to it.

So I've had very long hair. I shaved it once in college, like during a summer, and had a smooth dome. Okay. It's the only time I've ever done that. Wait. How smooth? I mean, I think like yours, like your current smoothness. Oh, I got a number one on top tapered on the sides of the back.

That's what I got. Wow. I still remember. Because I remember when you came back from summer break and your hair was short. It honestly looked great. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. I mean, your hair looks great.

Yeah, you've been blessed with a great looking head of hair. Yeah, and then for a couple weeks in high school once, I had like cornrows, which my mom did not like. That's what we're looking for. Yeah, yeah. Are you joking? I am not joking. Because I didn't want to commit to the bit there unless you were serious. You had cornrows.

I did, yes. What were the circumstances? I just wanted to – Thinking about auditioning for NSYNC. Yeah. They were just like, I saw it added in the newspaper. New band coming soon. Must have dumb hair that will embarrass you in 10 years.

Like girl you like mentioned she liked them, that sort of thing. And you just went, you immediately went right for him. I think just in high school, my MO was just like being a goof, like just doing like doing and wearing stuff to be a goof. A lot of like bowling shirts to school. Okay. Uh, stuff like that. And then I think that was just part of my like, Whoa, this is weird. Don't kick my ass. Sure. I like hair that makes noise. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So yeah, that was just kind of my part of that.

There was definitely a long, too long period when I considered having Adam Duritz style white person dreadlocks. Whoa. Sure, sure, sure. I'm talking about early 90s. You strike me as that. In the Adam Duritz era i i if honestly if anybody said you know hey did you know jesse had dreadlocks i'd go absolutely i mean i didn't

know that twice yeah yeah yeah uh what now what do you remember the thinking behind that yeah i thought adam duritz looked cool with this i was in i was in san francisco It was 1994. People didn't realize how dumb it was at the time. Sure, sure. Yeah, I think when I realized, I think the thing that- You wanted to join some more exclusive hacky sack circles. Yeah, I think the thing that turned it for me was when I realized what is involved in getting dreadlocks if you are a white person. Sure. Sure. Like I think dreadlocks like part of the appeal of dreadlocks, you know, depends on what kind of dreads you have. But like part of the appeal of like your classic Rastafarian guy dreadlock is that it is in some way the natural state of the hair that you're letting it grow out and lock up is like letting it be itself. Right. Like being proud of your identity and so on and so forth. And, you know, there's there's different kinds of dreadlocks that require different kinds of maintenance.

But that's the general overview. White people dreadlocks. The amount of work involved in white people dreadlocks is astonishing. Like for a group of people that have been derided for decades as fundamentally lazy dropouts. Hippies have incredible commitment. Like you have to put a special mud in it and you have to like rub it together and you have to like do all this difference because straight hair doesn't naturally do that. There's another topic in this zone that always kind of baffles me. I want to admit, since you say the corner, I did have frosted tips in college briefly.

Oh, yeah? Did I miss that? Was that- Dorm frosted. Nice. Yeah. Dorm frosted tips. Ooh, there's no frosted like dorm frosted.

That just means we're home alone on a Friday and let's all do each other's hair? Well, I had highlights. Yeah. I was hanging out with my friend Jilly B from Vallejo. Oh, sure. She had one of those hats where you pull the hair. If you didn't have a friend or an RA who fancied themselves a hairstylist, that you let do it because they were kind of cute. I see.

Then you didn't go to college as far as I'm concerned. But what's funny to me is because, again, I'm glad it's Jilly B and she's a lady. Yeah. Because when you first said it, I imagined a bunch of dudes just sitting around. Hey, bro, what do you want to do? Watching Run TMC and frosting their hair together. Hey, what do you want to do? You want to turn on the Warriors game eight years ago?

Let's get a pizza and, you know, I'm going to blonde you up. How's that sound? Yeah. We'll do some kissing we won't tell anybody about. It's going around. A hat where you pull the hair through the holes in the in the, like it's like a shower cap with holes in it and you pull the hair through.

Then you get highlights like that. It looks terrible. Especially if you just let your friend Jill do it, you know. But yeah, so I had my own misadventures. I wanted to capture that. I'm always blown away by the hippie slash stoner who can tell you all the pot science stuff. Who can talk about the chemicals involved and how much THC does what. And it just makes me think you should put some of this energy into not living with five roommates.

You've really worked at this. This is so much. You know so some of this energy into not living with five roommates. Right. Like, you've really worked at this. This is so much. You know so much about this. You should stop riding a bike at 11 o'clock p.m. and concentrate on your life. Stop riding a bike. That's very specific. That's good. When we were trying to figure out how to make this studio cooler, and it's already getting a little warm in here. But it doesn't have great ventilation is the problem. And you can't just put in direct ventilation because it's too noisy for the microphones.

I see. So I had to figure out how to get the quietest possible ventilation. And it turns out that if you want the quietest possible duct fan, the way to figure out which one to get is watch a bunch of secret pot growing operation how-to videos like all duct fan all silent duct fan reviews on the entire internet are a guy with a grow-up in a closet or in like a thing that's behind the back of a closet right are all these when men wearing guy foxawkes masks? Yes.

I'm envisioning that. I'm envisioning that. My mom just grew hers in a pot. Like in a clay pot. I mean, we didn't have a fan or lights or none of that nonsense. I just remember seeing it one day and going, oh, I think I know what that is. And then she's like, don't touch it. The nugs are too dank.

Oh, if you touch my nugs. So your mom grew pot. Did she ever get caught for it? Did she ever get in trouble for it? No. We had a lot. We had some stuff happen. I mean, we had guys who, my mom was half a criminal, I found out eventually. High five for half a criminal, mom.

And bang. Yeah. This is a true story. My mom wound up getting lung cancer. And my girlfriend Jill and I went to Florida to be with her after the surgery. And she was loopy after that because they hacked out a part of her lung and they put her under and she woke up and she didn't recognize me. She was actually – and she was angry at me because I was in the room. It was one of those things.

So my stepdad steps out. He's – because she's the – that's the only guy she recognized. Well, he steps out and he leaves the two of us in the room. And my mom starts to tell me about a murder. Oh, boy. And I'm just very specific because she thinks I'm her friend, Mark. So she starts asking me about, you know, well, we've got to get out of here before they come. And I don't want to give too much away. Mark's dead now, thankfully, so he can't get pinched. But my mom's still around.

I don't know about the statute of limitations. And she's still got that bloody knife. So my mom, she was a drug person. We knew from the time I was a little kid. When I was probably 11 or 10, she broke out her box and said, look, this is rolling papers. This is marijuana. Don't touch it. It will always be under the couch. It's going to be here. I don't want you guys, don't throw it away, but don't touch it. And then she hung out with dudes who would,

you know, we had man's agents store in my house one time. I had a buddy, my mom's friend, Mark, had a friend named Dale. Well, Dale was skipping bail. He was on the run from the law and he stayed at our house. And one day I left for high school. I went out to go to the bus and there were cars parked on my block and they stormed my house. They came over the backyard fence.

They went in the front. Looking for Dale. And Dale was going to jump out the window. He had a gun and he was literally going to jump out the window. And my mom said, don't, please don't because she didn't want, we loved him and she didn't want him to get shot

in front of my brothers, Scott and Andy, who had not left for school yet so dale had to give himself up in my house wow uh yeah so so yeah it's funny because she she grew like i said she grew one plant in a pot right but what once like mark was her connection mark was they were always getting all sorts of tomfoolery and uh she called the house one time and it wasn't mark who answered and the guy said well you know my mom's like is mark there the guy one time and it wasn't Mark who answered. And the guy said, well, you know, my mom's like, is Mark there? The guy goes, who? And he said, Mark. She goes, the guy goes, you mean the fat man? And my mom hung up. Oh, boy. Then she got a call and Mark had been raided and there were cops at the house and they were telling people to come over and pinching them if they did. What do you think was your mom's involvement in all this?

involvement in all this? She was their friend. Okay. You know, my mom was, and my mom, you know, she did drugs. I mean, I saw my mom, my mom did coke in my house in front of me.

You know what I mean? She just had friends. They hung out and they did it. It wasn't like she went, watch this, blam! You know? But they passed her on. All right, now we're going

to your piano recital. She just was a drug person. Then she was into it. And she ran with a weird crowd. You know what I mean? She wound up dating dudes who'd been in jail and all that kind of stuff. And we'd get introduced to them. They'd be in and out of the house.

So it was a weird thing growing up sometimes. Was your stepdad part of that element? Once he came along, that stuff kind of ended. Yeah. We knew Mark. My mom knew Mark until he died. And Dan, he got along great with Mark. Mark was a really good family friend. It's just one time we came on my freshman year. I walked into my house. I had a townhouse and there had to be 60 microwaves, like 20 televisions just in my house.

Sure. And of course, we're all kids. We're like, we're going to get a microwave and a TV in our bedrooms. It's going to be amazing. But my mom was just a way station. You can make oatmeal while you – Exactly. And then have it in bed. Yeah. Whatever a kid wants. Yeah. That bedside microwave for hot oatmeal in bed.

You don't give a fuck. You walk in. Yes. Appliances everywhere. But my mom was a way station. So it's like – Wow. A bunch of stuff fell off a truck and they hid it in my mom's house. So because the heat was on or whatever. So I only heard these stories about my mom

when my dad, my parents were divorced since I can remember when my dad was inappropriately mad at her and yelling at me. OK, yeah. Like your mother, the fucking cocaine dealer. Oh, what? And why am I taking the beating on this? Come on. I'm pretty sure my mom's

in graduate school right now. Going back to school. She's sitting down with Jill getting her hair frosted. I don't think anything you say. Sure. Get her nose frosted, right? Oh, ha ha.

Bang, bang. That's bang, bang. Snort. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Big bang, snort. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Allegra Ringo. And I'm Renee Colbert.

And we host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog? Renee, can I tell you about a dog I met this week? I wish that you would. In turn, though, can I tell you about a dog I met this week? I wish that you would. In turn, though, can I tell you about a dog hero? May I tell you about a dog breed in a segment I like to call Mutt Minute? I would love that. Could we maybe talk about some dog tech? Could we have some cool guests on, like Lin-Manuel Miranda,

Nicole Byer, and Ann Wheaton? I mean, yeah, absolutely. I'm in. You're on board. What do you say we do all of this and put it into a podcast? Yeah, okay. You think? All right.

Should we call it, like, I don't know, Can I Pet Your Dog? Sure. All right. What do you say we put it on every Tuesday on Maximum Fun? Or on iTunes? Sounds good to me. Meeting's over. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, host of the 40-Year-Old Boy podcast. That is a fucking bullshit nickname, Mike. Oh, I'm sorry. It doesn't look good on a hat, I'll tell you that. That's too long.

Yeah, I mean, I think ideally the Jordan Jesse Goh nickname, you know, lets us in a little bit, lets us know something about you, something about your essence. So I don't know if you want to do this again and maybe just pick a more traditional nickname. Let's do it again. Let me think of a good one, yeah. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, professional failure. There we go. That's fun.

That's the kind of behind-the-scenes peek that we're hoping for. Are you enjoying this sausage that we've made? Have you seen how we've done it? Enjoy our sausage. Hey, Jordan Jesse goes sausage this week, brought to you by Talkspace, the online therapy company. If you need therapy, but you're not going to go to a fancy therapist's office, pay a squagillion dollars an hour. You just need somebody to check in with who's actually qualified to check in with. Talkspace is a really great option. You can do it digitally, online, through a variety of things.

Everything from texting somebody to full-on chatting with somebody live. To sign up, you can go to Talkspace.com slash amazing and use the code JJG to get $30 off your first month. You can also just find out more about how it works at Talkspace.com slash amazing and the code is JJG.

Talkspace is therapy for how we live today. Another announcement. Another company that we value because they support MaximumFun.org, the work we do, and this great podcast that everyone's listening to for free. Hey, you're right, and it's a great one. If you're a fella and you want to try on some clothes before you pay for them, clothes you have purchased online, go to jackthreads.com. You can choose anything you want to, and you try it on at home for free. You got seven days to decide if it works for you.

And if you don't like it, you send it back. Jack Threads gives you everything you need to send things back. Packing tape, prepaid shipping labels. Packing tape. No fuss, no muss. They send you the packing tape. Hey, either way, if you love these clothes, if you love the clothes and want to keep them, you get some free packing tape out of the deal.

You get to keep the packing tape. So as if free packing tape wasn't a great enough deal for you. What else can we offer? Can I sweeten this deal, Jesse? Please do. If you go to jackthreads.com and enter code JJGO, you get 20% off anything you keep. 20% off, free packing tape, jackthreads.com, offer code JJGO. It's a fun way to shop for clothes online.

Never buy before you try ever again. And, hey, we got something on the Jumbotron. This comes to me, comes to us from the great Adam Ragusea, host of The Pub. It's one of my favorite podcasts. He's got an all new podcast called We Didn't Start The Podcast. Apparently it's about Billy Joel. Yeah, finally. The Billy Joel podcast everyone has been waiting for from Adam Ragusea, host of The Pub, to others.

So Adam Ragusea, God bless him, really doesn't like Billy Joel. Meg Donahue, his co-host, really does. So if you're looking for a sober critical examination of Billy Joel's oeuvre or joleuvre, then We Didn't Start the Podcast probably isn't for you. But if you like hearing two friends laugh at their own immature jokes, and if you listen to Jordan Jesse go, it's possible that you do, We Didn't Start the Podcast is bingeable now on iTunes, AudioBoom, or wherever you get podcasts.

Anywhere, Jordan. Anywhere. Anywhere. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on JordanJesseGo, just hit up Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second

on JordanJesseGo. My name is Patrick. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, that I'd make friends right away, that I'd have an amazing time. It turns out everyone was right. I instantly had 200 new friends. I've made lifelong friends at MaxFunCon that I'm going to keep in touch with for the rest of my life. If you aren't sure if you belong at MaxFunCon, you belong. Don't be like me. Don't waste two years being too nervous. Just go already. Join Ariel, Patrick, and Joe at MaxFunCon. Tickets for MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, voice of the millennial detectives. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, voice of the millennial detectives. It's about time. It's a little pastiche. It's about time somebody stuck up for those. A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that. It's the classic formula, Jordan. Sure. The old this and that. It's Jesse's, the elevator pitches, it's Jesse's nickname meets Jordan's nickname. Tell me more. If something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan.

Something big is happening. Oh, my gosh. Tell me about it now, please. Okay. So this is something that we're going to try. Might be a failure. Could be. Not going to pretend like it might not be a failure.

High risk, high reward. A little of this, a little of that. You got it. On Friday afternoon slash evening 4 to 6 p.m. Pacific Coast time, Jordan and I will be in this

studio taking your calls live. Whoa. It's a live Ask Me Anything starring Jesse and Jordan, 4 to 6 p.m. Just call us at 323-305-9422. That's 323-305-9GAB. Thanks, Brian. Good work. Catchy.

Not good work. Nine gab. Thanks, Brian. Good work. Catchy. Not good work. Just the thought of just the tiniest bit seeping through the window of Brian's emphatic, aww. But yeah, Friday from 4 to 6, call us with any question for us, big or small.

We'll take it live on air, talk to you, then record it, then give it back to you. 4 to 6 Pacific time. Later. That's 4 to 6 p.m. Pacific time, which is 7 to 9 p.m. Eastern time. Yes. That's midnight to 2 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time. All right. And if you can't figure it out, given that I just gave you Greenwich Mean Time, then go fuck yourself. If you don't know what your GMT plus or minus number is, you don't even deserve to have a clock.

Out. Okay. Let's get to the momentous occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and possible guests. I'm calling from London where I just shoved my hand in a public toilet. where I just shoved my hand in a public toilet. And the reason for that was because as I went in to sit down, I heard the tinkle of metal, which meant that my piercing fell out as a surprise.

So not knowing what else to do, and luckily I hadn't started doing what I wanted to do, I rolled up my sleeves and fisted the toilet, got my piercing, put it in a napkin, and went about my day. Love the show, guys. Bye. Yeah, dope call. Good call. So I'm assuming this was some sort of intimate piercing, some sort of gentleman's piercing.

I assume that it was a gentleman's piercing. That could have been a husky-voiced female. Yeah, so it could have been. I guess I'm saying a private piercing. Yes. Piercing for the eyes of a loved one only. Yeah, exactly. Or a doctor. Yeah, or a doctor.

Or someone on the bus. They just want to flash it, too. I like to get piercings that I just show them to my doctor like, hey, get a load of this. Check this out, buddy. I don't know what it does. Yeah. What do you think it does? Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder. Yeah, I mean, I guess, oh boy. You're a man of science. Would magnets work on this? Yeah, I'm glad to hear that he or she did not jam it back in after fishing it out of the toilet. I was bracing myself for that and being grossed out. But I guess if you take it home and sanitize it, I don't know what one sanitizes an intimate piercing in. I'm sure there's a solution.

Can I give you some real talk right now? Please. I got these Invisalign braces. I'm wearing them right now, actually. What? Makes my S a little extra sibilant. actually. What?

Makes my S a little extra sibilant. But I got these Invisalign, and you got to take them out and put them back in to eat. And at first, they give you like a special box to carry around to put them in, and there's a whole fucking rigmarole. I no longer care where they go in between

when I take them out and put them back in. Really? Like, I'll put them on top of a napkin if I've got one handy. I'll just put them in my fucking pocket. I don't care. I don't even care.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Sure. Even lint mouth. Yeah. When I was a freshman in high school, my best friend was- A lot of shit went down. Well, certainly. My best friend was Mike Scott.

And we used to do dumb things to people to just- It was literally almost these social experiments that we would do. You'd walk up to somebody and just take their book. Schmidt and Scott, the two Mikes. Exactly. That's how we did it. That's how we worked it. Were all of your other friends named after great baseball players of the 1970s? Exactly, right? And my mom's maiden name is Anderson. I could have been Mike Anderson. Yeah.

But he walked, one time he sat next to me. We were in study hall. And it's that thing where you got to be quiet, you know, and your goal is to make somebody do something stupid or laugh. So he sat next to me in study hall and he looked at me and he took out his retainer and the spit trails and everything and just took it out and just put it right on my book and just stared at me to see what I would do. What are you going to do with that? Yeah. Because we're playing idiot poker at that point. And I just stared right at him, and I literally just, and I flicked it. I shot it across the fucking room. It just spit and tooth frisbee all the way across and landed right on Jackie Gauti's lap.

Oh, not Jackie Gauti. Yes, absolutely. He had a crush on Jackie Gauthier. He was going to ask her to the freshman prom. That was actually German class, not study hall. I apologize now that I remember. It's okay. But yeah, so I relate with the Invisalign.

And I got to say this to the dude on the phone, because you're giving this whole scientific bullshit about a napkin and good for him. That dude will never be clean again. I don't know. Dude, you put your hand in a public toilet. I don't care how many showers you take. Yeah. The memory is still emblazoned in your brain.

Well, do you feel like the piercing will ever be clean again? No, none of it. That's what I'm saying. His arm will never be clean again. The piercing, how do you not? Leave it in there. Leave it in there. I don't care if it's diamond encrusted.

I don't care if you get your mom's name on it. It's over. I wonder what you're dropping on an intimate piercing. I don't know much about's diamond encrusted. I don't care if you get your mom's name on it. It's over. I wonder what you're dropping on an intimate piercing. I don't know much about the world of jewelry. Yeah. What do you guys estimate you're dropping on an intimate piercing? I would get solid gold. Oh, sure you would.

If it was me, I would get solid. I mean, you guys know how I roll. Sure. Gold or nothing at all. What do you think you're dropping on a solid gold Tate bar? $600. $600? I'm going $600.

Yeah. I mean, I'd be willing to settle for 11, 9 carat. Low end. It doesn't have to be 22 carat gold. Low end. You want the hardness. What if you're just going to the piercing pagoda in the mall, having someone jam one in your taint?

Are we including the taint jam? Yeah. Full package, what are you walking away with? $120. Okay. Wow. I'm just trying to get a sense of the loss if this guy- $80.

I flushed it or something. I'm saying $80, including the act of jamming. So I'm going to say the thing itself costs $25 or $40. But then the jam costs $40. That hardly seems worth the effort of the whole thing,

the whole experience, the whole taint jam, the whole picking out the thing. That you're giving out so, giving them so little money. Yeah.

Pay $1,000 for something that ridiculous. I mean, if you're going that route, you've got to go the whole route. But then, honestly,

conversely, you need to be ready for when it tumbles into a fucking train-spotting toilet, you let it go and wave goodbye. If we need to raise money to build a wall between America and Mexico, a much better plan would be, than a 20%

tax on Mexican imports, would be a 10,000% tax on taint jammers. Yeah. Or cock piercings. Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah, get it up to $1,000% tax on taint jammers. Yeah. Or cock piercings. Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah, get it up to $1,000 no matter what it is. It's a serious decision. It should cost $1,000.

I think that's totally fair. And yeah, it's like Lord of the Rings replica swords. You're talking to a very enthusiastic, you know, aficionado crowd. Yeah, if you've made that decision. Who will pay top dollar for a product? They want the best. They want the best. They want Aragorn's ranger sword as it appears in the movie.

They want that jammed through their taint. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Eric in St. Pete. I was just about to leave work, walking down the hall, saw a woman I know. Saw right next to her. She has an identical twin. I've been working here over 10 years.

Didn't know she had an identical twin. And that explains a few odd conversations we've had. All right. Thought you'd enjoy. Bye. See, that's another fucking dope-ass call. That's good. I feel like sometimes people call in and I complain about them not coming hard enough

to the hoop with the momentous occasions. Not knowing that one person was actually two people for ten years is gorgeous. That's gorgeous. And even better, they never told him. Yeah. That's my favorite part. They had the dumb conversations with him and never once went, oh, you're thinking of Molly. I'm Holly.

Not once. Take that, Eric. I don't know. I may have told this on the podcast before, but I, you know, I've worked on the same lot for about three years now. So I kind of like, there are people who work there that I kind of like recognize but haven't had a lot of interaction with. There's like, you know, the people whose parking space is next to mine and stuff like that.

Spike Ferriston. Spike Ferriston. And so I, you know, I was walking, you know, from car to office and saw somebody that I recognized. And, you know, it was like a little bit far away. So I did like a jump up wave, like a kind of a leaping wave. And that person looked at me and then turned away and kept walking and i realized it was rupaul oh wow i was just waving because anyway well look in fairness to you when you see rupaul you better wave sure anyway i had i had rupaul in here one time for bullseye rupaul is a fucking magical dude. Sure. That's why RuPaul has been a famous person since 1990 or 1988 or whatever it is. Because RuPaul is literally the most magnetic human being I've ever talked to in my entire life. Seriously.

I just wanted to be all... I don't care about RuPaul's Drag Race. I've watched it a couple times. I think it's fun. Yeah. But I don't care about RuPaul's Drag Race. I've watched it a couple times. I think it's fun. Yeah. But I don't care. And I don't care about RuPaul's, any part of RuPaul, outside of respecting it, none of it is like my thing.

Yeah. You don't buy it, into it for entertainment, but you know what RuPaul does. Okay. Totally. Like if I went over to somebody's house and they're like, oh, we're watching Drag Race, they'd be like, oh, cool. We'll watch Drag Race. But like, I wouldn't, i wouldn't i wouldn't tivo it right fucking rube ball came in here shook my hand all i can

think for an hour and a half is please be my friend forever wow like please be my friend like rupaul is just that the only other person i feel like terry cruz was like that too but like terry cruz you get it because he's like gigantic and ripped. Like he's so distinctively. Right. Like you just never meet a man that like has that kind of pure physical power. Sure. He's just really intense.

And then the fact that he's like he's very smart and thoughtful and interesting. Like you're like how could someone be both of those things at one time? Right. The, the impressive thing is that he is like a super famous person been through all kinds of trials and tribulations. Uh, but also just as like, and there was a part in the interview where I asked him like what he's,

I asked him if he ever like what it was like when he came out and he said, well, I wasn't ever really not out. And I was like, really? Because you grew up in like rural Georgia in the 70s. You know, were you like what was that like? And he said, you know, it was fine. I think everybody just knew that I was who I was and they they like knew that I was a loving person.

And so they didn't pick on me. And I was like, you know what? I fucking buy that. Yeah. A hundred percent. I see that. Yes. Like who could pick on me. And I was like, you know what? I fucking buy that. Yeah. A hundred percent. You accept that premise. I see that. Yes. Like who could pick on this person? This is the most visibly decent human being that's ever existed.

When you interviewed him, is he in, I don't know what to call it. Is he RuPaul? Yeah, no, he's, yeah. Stack heels the whole night? No, no, no, no. Or he's dressed like a. He's dressed like a sharply dressed dude. And I've seen both incarnations, but I don't – he's a weird tread lightly area.

I don't know. Yeah, no. So he's not in his – it's particularly weird because his drag persona has the same name as his actual name in real life. Yeah, exactly. So it's very difficult. But, like, no, he goes about his daily business as an immaculately turned out dude. Okay. And, you know, dresses in his TV garb only as a performer, basically.

Okay. I see. And, yeah. Kind of like Jordan. Yeah. Exactly. But he is sharp as, that's a wig. You didn't know?

Oh, my God. That's a wig. He only puts on for the podcast. It's hard to say with me where the performance begins and ends. That's a good point. I think my life is a performance, I like to think. You know. That's a really good point. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. Yeah. So I like to blur that line a lot. Yeah. That's a good point. I think my life is a performance, I like to think. That's a really good point.

I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. Yeah, so I like to blur that line a lot. Yeah, that's fun. Wasn't that you that went on Letterman that one time and acted like a dick to Letterman and said you were pursuing a rapping career? Oh, that's Joaquin Phoenix. Oh, okay. Joaquin Phoenix.

Got it. If you have something momentous to share with us, call us at 206-9844-FUN. And on Friday, we will have you call us live with any question you have for us. And if you have a momentous occasion, you want to call and share with us? That would be great. Yeah, absolutely.

You get a busy signal. I would love to hear some sharing. You get a voicemail or a busy signal, you just hammer that phone. Hammer those lines. Like you're trying to win concert tickets. We will not be screening these calls. Oh boy, this could go real bad.

We do not have the means to screen these calls. Brian literally just put his hands on his head in basically like a, Kevin! face. Yeah. We realistically will not be screening these calls. So just be great. Don't be bad.

Please. Getting back to Eric on the phone, how would you guys handle that if you stumbled upon the twin conundrum after 10 years and not? I'd move to a new city. Yeah, it's the only way to do it. Realistically? Yeah, new city is the answer. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Schmidt, sans nickname. Oh, man, Mike. You're supposed to be the quickest mind in the West. Can't come up with a nickname. Mike Schmidt, quickest mind in the West. There you go. Got it.

Here's old six gun. Great, great, great. Hey, Jordan, I want to mention real quick. Please. February 11th, big day for Max Fun. Yes. I'll tell you why. Okay. If you live in the Chicagoland

area, very, very fun day is going to be hitting you like a ton of bricks. It's our one-day festival at Thalia Hall with Jordan Jesse Go, The Flophouse, Ono Ross and Carrie, Judge John Hodgman, Stop Podcasting Yourself, The Great Dwayne Kennedy.

Ooh. Yeah, just book Dwayne Kennedy on that shit. Yeah. Dwayne Kennedy is a legend. Dwayne Kennedy. Ooh. Yeah. Just book Dwayne Kennedy on that shit. Yeah. And the night- Dwayne Kennedy is a legend. Dwayne Kennedy is maybe the funniest person. He is unbelievably proficient at what he does. He is so funny. He is so great.

And everybody should know his name. Yeah. Dwayne Kennedy doing a headline in standup comedy with our friend Graham Clark from Stop Podcasting Yourself. It's going to be a show. And our friend Ricky Carmona. And if we're lucky, I hear we might get a visit from our friend, Coke.Michael Bay.

Ooh, you mean that character that some people like and some hate? Yes. About exactly 50-50? Yes. Maybe, if I can Coke-sim out. Coke-sim out. That's true. And we're also having a free party the night before.

You can find the information at MaximumFun.org. Regular Jordan and Jesse Goh listeners will recall the extended DJing conversation that we had with Ricky Carmona on the show a few months ago. Ricky's going to be spinning. And guess who else is going to be spinning? Original 45 RPM recordings. Yeah, that's right. Your boy, Jesse Thorne. The voice of the millennial generation.

Like all millennials, I love vinyl record albums. They're making a comeback at Whole Foods. Tangible. You like to hold it. You like to hold it. Got it. Object. Got to hold that vinyl.

Object. Got to hold that vinyl. Classic. Got to hold it. Warm. Got to hold it. And if you live in Brooklyn, New York City, or in Viron's, I'm going to extend this out, not just Brooklyn, all the way out to in Viron's.

It's a big deal. That same day, February 11th, Bullseye is putting on a monster comedy show at BAM, the Brooklyn Academy of Music. It's part of Radio Love Fest, which is WNYC's radio festival. Why spend all your money watching Ira Glass dance? I mean, obviously, because you just want to know

what that's like. It's probably an amazing show. It's a good investment. Yeah, Ira Glass doesn't fuck around. He doesn't do anything half-ass. Those are good reasons to watch Ira Glass. But if you have more money than that, if you already got your Ira Glass dance ticket...

Maybe you can't make it that day or something. Exactly. You're busy. You had something and you've already moved it a couple of times. Then come to Bullseye Comedy Night. Can I tell you a little bit about who's going to be on this show? Let's hear it. Solomon Giorgio.

How about Guy Branum? Whoa. Try on Maeve Higgins. Can I offer you Hari Kondabolu? Yeah, sure. How about Phoebe Robinson? Those are all of the funniest people. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, powabolu? Yeah, sure. How about Phoebe Robinson? Those are all of the funniest people. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.

Well, except for Dwayne Kennedy. Yeah. That's five punches. He was otherwise occupied. That's five punches straight to the gut of hilarity at the Bullseye Comedy Night show. That's going to be an extravaganza, and I'm going to be appearing via video form. What am I going to be doing? Honestly, haven't figured that out yet.

It's going to be great. Well, spinning? Spinning some vinyl? Yeah, probably just do that. I'm just going to drop the needle. It's going to be like one of those, you type in the name of a 70s soul song into YouTube and it's just a close-up of a turntable and you see a hand drop a needle on it and then you hear it recording through the Handycam's microphone.

Yeah, those are two awesome things to do if you're in those places uh our friend mike schmidt always a joy to see you mike thank you for having me i was so happy to be asked michael of course the host of the long-running now in its ninth year yes the 40 year. Yes. Yes. It is now a 50-Year-Old Boy Podcast. Soon. Like next summer. 49-Year-Old Boy Podcast. When I started, it was the 40-Year-Old Boy Podcast, but we've been nine years, and then in the summer, year 10 will start

before I flip. Because I used to always joke, what are you going to do when you turn 50? And I said, if I'm doing this show when I'm 50, fucking shoot me in the head. And guess what? Hooray! Guess what? Here comes Dale. No kidding. Out the window, blam, blam.

Old blam, blam Dale. That's him. So, yeah, it's exciting. I mean, I'm sure as you know, holding a podcasting empire so close to your heart, why would you ever stop? Well, what's weird about the reason that Mike should stop. Wait, what?

The amazing reason, the amazing quality of his podcast is that Mike's podcast is Mike just telling you a story. And Mike is a masterful storyteller. But Mike has to continue to make these terrible mistakes in his life so that he can have a new thing to talk about on every episode of this fucking podcast. Don't think that isn't talked about every Monday with Shannon. As we wonder if my life is a self-fulfilling prophecy to keep a career fueled. I don't know. You know, there are shows that are full stories about things that happen and there's never ending things that happen, as you know.

Yeah. And then sometimes you just talk downhill and see what happens. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm in the same boat. I've committed to recommending a different cultural product every week on Bullseye and writing a whole fucking essay about it. Oh, boy. And there are days when I'm just like, what do I like? You know what I mean?

What's left? Yeah. What's left that I like? Do I have to actually find new things to like? But it occurred to me I did an outshot on Bullseye

about the Simpsons episode You Only Move Once the famous Hank Scorpio episode and it occurred to me

that was the first Simpsons episode I'd ever done I was like oh oh, good. Well, I got 100 in the old quiver then. Sure, yeah. Just do one about each Simpsons episode from season two to 12. Perfect.

Yeah. So, yeah, the show is we're in the ninth year. It'll go to the 10th sometime in May, I think. And, yeah, I do turn 50 in the middle. Everybody's like, are you going to change the name? Probably not. Probably not. Of course not.

Why the fuck would I change the name? Got brand equity. I'm loaded in. Grandfathered in. Literally at 50. Wear a house full of hats you'll have to destroy. Just like send them to a third world country or something. We wanted to do that

with shirts because I literally am swimming in shirts that nobody fucking bought. I'm going to Kuwait in a couple of weeks uh when's this air this airs on Monday so yeah yeah I just outed my all right so hey I didn't mention this in my show yet I'm going to Kuwait in a couple of weeks um so yeah and I wanted to bring old shirts and just pass them out to people and just get photos of people in Kuwait in the rubble just wearing a Mike Schmidt dirt shirt terrible um am I plugging is that what's happening here are we just saying goodbye yeah we just plug that yeah well can I plug one thing yeah that what's happening here? Are we just saying goodbye? We just plugged that. Yeah. Well, can I plug

one thing? Yes. It's a new thing. We started a YouTube channel. Oh, wow. So I used to sell the back catalog, and I still do, at MikeSchmidtComedy.com for people who want to have standalone files and bring them with themselves. But if anybody, because I found out a lot of youngsters, you guys would know about this. I don't. But a lot of

young people, they get their audio from obviously Spotify and then from YouTube. And I found this out the hard way. There's a guy with my name, fucking another comedian in Los Angeles with my name. And he was on Joe Rogan's show. And people started to write me. And so I would have to write them, go, look, I'm not that guy. However, there are plenty of cool Mike Schmitz in the world and here's my show. Well, the good news is you had spent the previous 45 years of your life never having to clarify that you weren't that Mike Schmitz in the world and here's my show. Well, the good news is you had spent the previous 45 years of your life never having to clarify that you weren't that Mike Schmitz.

Well, from the baseball player, I had to clarify that one. So then I would tell people and they'd go, well, is it on YouTube? Because I always get my stuff on YouTube. And it had to be 100 people who all said that. So I went, well, it's about time. And for the 10th year, so we have a YouTube channel now where we've been uploaded. Right now, the first two seasons and then the third one is in progress and eventually all nine and then ten. And I'm going to start putting them up. You're literally watching the status bar right now on your phone.

It's ridiculous. At the upload. You know, it's – yeah. But also you find out because there's ads and all that. I mean, I didn't know anything about this. I just put the show out on iTunes and hoped it worked. But you find out all these other avenues and things to explore, as you know, because, again, you're the king of this. I should put the show out on iTunes and hoped it worked. But you find out all these other avenues and things to explore, as you know, because again, you're the king of this. I should have talked

to you, but my friend is like, dude, you had 1,800% growth in a week. It's good growth. But all it means is six people listen instead of one. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. But it's all new and it's all starting. So we're really excited. So go subscribe. And if you want to jump into the show then, because people jump in now, they don't know

what the fuck's going on. But it's literally, you can listen from episode one, year one, which was 20 minutes long. And there's some shows that later on get to be four hours, which are ridiculous. It's too many hours. It seemed like it, certainly. It's about three too many hours. And I would tell people if they want to jump in and find out what everything's all about, listen to episode three of year five, sorry, year three, episode five.

Because that's the one that always gets requested. And I do this show when I do live shows. Sometimes I'll tell the story live. I'm going to do it. Year three, episode five. Okay, cool. I'm doing it. All right. Right now, what if we did that?

What if we went out with it? We played the whole show. So thank you for letting me plug like a psycho. But yeah, go to the YouTube channel and subscribe because it makes YouTube think I'm a hitter and listen to old shows and try to get on board. Yeah, we're all fans of Mike's here. I mean, Mike has been doing this nearly as long as we have. There's a very small

group of people that have been in this game for this long doing it with success. You're talking about formless white chatting? Yeah. I mean, oh yeah, dude, have a little bit of form. Sure. They read a dumb thing a guy did in the newspaper.

Well, if I can say this to you, you've always been so gracious to me, to have me on and to plug me and to say good things about me. And the first time I ever did the show live, where I actually went out and started to attempt to tell stories on stage, Jesse and Maximum Fun sponsored it in San Francisco. That's true. And stepped up in a big way. And you're so cool. And thank you so much again for,

because I get people all the time from Max Funnel like I discovered you on Jesse's show and they stuck with me. Yeah. And so thank you very much for giving me the opportunity. And the good news is we never made that mistake again.

You know, it was a one and done situation. Can I say two things before we leave? Yeah. One. What happened with Blackberries? Oh, thank God.

That's two. Okay. Thing one, I got razzed a little bit online for forgetting the name of the YOY podcast, a fantastic podcast about love and dating on the Panoply Network, hosted by Andrea Salenzi. It's a real treat. I listen every week. If you're out there dating, using apps, listen to this show. It's a treat.

Thing two. So I was getting the blackberries. I dropped them on the floor. I scooped them in a bowl. And I'm like, eh, I was going to wash them anyway. So I just washed them and ate them. Yeah. Good call.

The end. Yeah. Good call. Well handled. They weren't on the floor for that long. Well managed. Thank you. Jordan.

Brian Fernandez. Sonny D. Beef. Beefy D. call him what you will he's our producer on the boards over there and laughing barely audibly um a problem that i'm sure you have 10 years of complaints about oh my god go look at the first reviews on itunes from 2009 or whatever, 2007. Who's that laughing? Someone who enjoys me? Shut the fuck up. We're on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can join our Facebook group, the Maximum Fun Facebook group, and like Jordan and Jesse go there.

You can no longer get a t-shirt. They are sold out, but you can still get a poster that says, let's punch a blimp. 2017, let's punch a blimp. Get it. Mike Schmidt's on board. Absolutely. Yeah, let's punch that shitimp. 2017, let's punch a blimp. Get it. Mike Schmidt's on board. Absolutely. Yeah, let's punch that shit. A little disappointed there's no shirts.

Yeah, well, you're sold out. We'll get you a poster, bud. I hope so. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.