Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 469: Thinking With Your Butthole with Seth Morris

Episode Date: February 27, 2017

Actor and writer Seth Morris joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of inexplicable hangover commands Jordan's body gives him, the official name for Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners and the new, very real, $1000 scholarship award Jesse is offering to encourage and support lifelong learning.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm back. And better than ever? No. The same.

Worse. Worse. Slightly worse. Somewhat worse. Back and slightly worse. I think I've been on a long, slow decline for about five years. Oh, okay. Five to seven.

So you're back and as bad as you've ever been. I had my age 27 season, age 27. That's when I hit my peak. And I gained power but lost speed about four or five years after that. Yeah. But I'm even three years past my power peak at this point. I'm 35 years old. Didn't Courtney Love kill you and make it look like a suicide? That's correct. Oh, okay. That's

correct. That was a bummer. I still remember where I was when I heard. Yeah, it was. It was. And I loved those mohair sweaters. Yeah. You know, end of the day, that's what I'll be remembered for. Yeah, yeah. My fondness for a mohair cardigan. And you definitely were crushed when the jocks started getting into you. Oh, yeah. That was a bummer. I was looking down on that from my perch on high. I live in a mountain. What are we talking about now?

Are you some sort of... Okay. So you're... In this scenario, you are some sort of football player and Kurt Cobain. Yeah. I'm a baseball player. Baseball player. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's still tracks.

Okay. I think we could probably still go down this road. But as a ghost, I also live in a mountain cave. Yeah, you're a mountain ghost who is a baseball player and Kurt Cobain. Great. I like that bear from the children's book. Not Corduroy. What's the other one called?

Paddington. No, not that one. How many other bears are there? There's one that lives in a fucking cave. The Berenstain Bears. There's one that lives in a cave. It's a bear from, no, not the Berenstain Bears. Or the Berenstein Bears.

Yeah. Or that Sinbad movie. About the genie. About the genie. Yeah. Should we introduce our guest? Yes god i wish it was sin bad yeah uh not that i'm not so stoked that our this guest is here oh boy i've really dug myself i wish i could do a sin bad impression i'm racking my brain what does sin bad sound like i can't remember

is that why you like look down briefly and then when you looked up, you were wearing a dangly earring? Seth, is Sinbad here? Can we talk to Sinbad? Hey, guys. How are you? Oh, it's him. Wait a minute.

That's Sinbad the Sailor. All right. Seth Morris, our guest on the program, a comedian, podcaster now, actor, improviser, good in everything. Sure. one of those guys you see seth morris cross your screen this is gonna be good you say to yourself you say number one seth morris is gonna do a great job i'm gonna put down my device that i'm always staring oh god limit the screen time yeah and i'm gonna i'm gonna lock into whatever this is unless they're watching you on the device then they'll pay more attention to the device. But you guys get what I'm getting at.

I signed up for an unlimited screen time plan. I got a great deal. Yeah. You just tape iPads to your face. Exactly. Yeah. By the time, you mean you bought the tape to tape the iPads to your eyes. Yeah.

You know, I have a secondhand sin bad story where i met a kid who said that he and his friends i guess he grew up here and they were at us they were uh throwing um reese's pieces this is like uh at cars uh teenagers goofing off was it specifically reese's piece i think it was reese's piece or it could have been skittles but i feel like it was reese's pieces it was a small definitely not emin it could have been Skittles, but I feel like it was Reese's Pieces. Definitely not Eminem's. No, no, no, no, no. But they were throwing them at cars, and before they realized it, they're at a stoplight, and they threw it at Sinbad and hit him. And he chased them and somehow stopped them.

And they go, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. And he goes, that's all I wanted to hear, and drove away. Whoa. Sinbad is a good dude. Sure. That was a teachable moment for those kids. Mm-hmm.

Boy, I wish I had a Sinbad when I was growing up. I got into so much shit. I know. If only Sinbad had pulled me aside and said that I was going down, going down the wrong path. Have you thought about

joining Big Sinbad's big sisters and being someone else's Sinbad? Yeah. I know. I just shaved the sides's Sinbad. Yeah. I know. I just shave the sides of my head. Yeah. Get that earring. Wear a silk yellow shirt.

Orange pants. Become friends with Confunction. Lakeside, maybe. Cameo. Yeah. Start hanging out at Indian casinos. Sinbad is such good friends with Cameo. Well, they have the same tailor.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so I have a secondhand Sinbad story. Oh, good. So in my job and put this on, my menswear blog, one of the things that I do is I spend a lot of time on eBay looking for cool things on eBay to put into our regular eBay roundup posts. So I'll pick out cool things I think might be a great eBay value for our readers. And one of the things I do is I have a thousand RSS feeds of, like, obscure tailors and designers. So, like, every Savile Row tailor, including all the ones that went out of business, you know, that kind of thing.

And when there's one called Domenico Spano, who worked out of Saks Fifth Avenue in New York, and there's this jacket that's been coming up at this point for two years in my eBay search that is really cool, my size, and was made for Sinbad. Wow. So what's preventing you from buying it? The feeling like you feel like an imposter in the jacket? Yeah.

I mean, on my best day, I could only hope to be a poor man's Sinbad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And are you afraid it will motivate you to steal the last Christmas toy from Arnold Schwarzenegger's child? Yeah, that's another concern. I've got a firsthand Sinbad story. Oh, my God.

He came on at midnight. I prepped him, and he was fucking hilarious, and every other thing he said made me laugh like a dork. Really? Yeah. How come we're not friends with Sinbad? You know, it was one of those things where I could tell that when I sat down with him, you know, he was friendly, but all business, you know? Right.

And I think when you are, when you've been a famous as long as he has, you know, you don't want people glomming on to you. as he has you know you don't want people glomming on to you you don't need barnacles you know as you're when you're when you're a comedy blue whale of that magnitude yeah you know you don't need hangers on did he take any of the jokes or did he do his own jokes uh simbad did a nice did a nice combo of uh of uh pre pre-done jokes and then fucking riffed out some Sinbad shit that was fucking stellar. I'm so impressed with people who have been in it that long

and kind of pressed it and ebbed and flowed and still stay positive. I mean, he could easily just, could have come in hungover and like, what is this? Totally, yeah. And I think his plug at the beginning of the show was an Indian casino.

Was it really? Yeah, I think it was a Morongo, if I remember correctly. Of the many of the show was an Indian casino. Was it really? Yeah. I think it was a Morongo. Yeah. If I remember correctly. Of the many Morong guy to choose from, it was. He was out partying the night before with the Gap Band. Oh, boy. Graham Central Station were there. The Brothers Johnson maybe.

Yeah, the Brothers Johnson were certainly there. Guys, can I? That's why for literally the first half hour of Jordan's pitch meetings with him, the punchline to every joke was Strawberry Letter 23. Lightning licks and thunder thumbs. Yeah, you got it. Can I ask you guys something? Oh, yeah, please. How did you celebrate National Margarita Day this week?

You know, that real holiday? That real holiday that was this week? Well, my daughter brought home some nice margs from school. It was a project that we put together. But it was just macaroni in a margarita glass and a little spray paint. Yeah, exactly. Margaroti, yeah. Yeah, you know, I called my grandparents and thanked them for being alcoholics.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a career in comedy. Yeah. They wouldn't have started the vicious cycle and you know thank you for because this is a complaint that I've had National Margarita Day has gotten so commercial remember when it was about the margaritas

it's nice that you took a minute to appreciate family exactly so I went out with some buds for National Margarita Day. Did you add a Google calendar for drinking-related national holidays that is shared among the staff of At Midnight? Yeah, exactly. And yeah, we're going to celebrate National Gin Month in March.

All month long, really? Oh, yeah. It's a month of gin. Wow, that sounds rough. And then Moonshine April. Good. And then Diarrhea May. So I went out with some buds, National Margarita Day. Mark's guac, you know, the usual.

Sure. uh mark's guac you know the use sure and i uh and i you know next day a little bit of a hangover right i'm not it's a sugary drink i'm not as young as i used to be guys a little bit you're way past your age 27 season sure yeah exactly um and you know it seems like when you wake up with a hangover, your body is sending you these commands. And they're very pointed commands. And they kind of come in the, you know, they're in the shape of an urge. It's like your body is, you know, it's telling you, close the window. Drive through McDonald's.

Turn on the fan. You know, it's like it's just you're getting these, and you should obey them or else you'll feel worse. Yes. So the weirdest thing after this National Margarita Day, I woke up and the hangover command was, eat a bag of trail mix in the shower. Eat a bag of trail mix in the shower. And I like rolled, and I felt like I was fighting it. I was going like, no, I, no, why would I do that? And then it just kept on and it kept on.

And I'm like, fuck it, fine. I'm going to eat a bag of trail mix in the shower. And I did. And it was great. And I felt better afterwards. I ate a whole bag. Yeah. And it was terrific.

Little Trader Joe's individual pouch. It wouldn't have been the same if you ate the trail mix outside of the shower. No, yeah. Did it get wet? It did, yeah. I mean, it was less of a bag of trail mix and more just handfuls of hot, wet nuts at a certain point. Times two. Times two.

I mean, let's be honest. But boy, it really worked, and I think it just, I just want to let everybody out there know. Yeah. Listen to your body. Uh- Yeah. Listen to your body. Uh-huh. Listen to your body. Yeah. So it's important.

My body almost was telling me to get Taco Bell because I was having a shitty day the other day. Yeah. And I was feeling nostalgic and sorry for myself. Did you give in? I just couldn't find anything close, and I would have had to go out of my way. Yeah. I would have just been in more traffic. I'm surprised to hear that.

I picture you as one of the healthiest people I know. You're a former Pilates instructor. I'm a former Pilates instructor. But I have such fond memories. I used to walk or ride bikes downtown, Novato, Marin County, as a kid, and get Taco Bell every weekend with my best friend. And we still always refer to the meal that we would get.

What was the order? It was mild bean burrito, regular tostada, medium Mountain Dew. And then these things called cinnamon crispas, which they don't have anymore. I don't think they have them anymore. But, yeah, and I consider Taco Bell, even though it's not, I consider it a healthy fast food. Sure, yeah. Because it's just beans and not, I consider it a healthy fast food. Sure. Yeah. Fresh Max.

Because it's just beans and cheese. Yeah. I never get the meat. Yeah. You got to worry. There's no pink slime in there. But it works every time. It makes me feel so good.

That horrible sauce. I love it so much. Yeah. I know what you mean about like getting that fast food urge, but feeling so undignified when you go out of your way to get it. Oh, it's disgusting. It's like, all right, you know what? Yeah.

If I'm driving right by the Wendy's, you know, why not? Oh, no, no. I will go. I will make like 11 left turns in Santa Monica to go to Taco Bell and then feel, just judge everybody else that's in there and then go eat it in my car. Like you guys are probably always here. I'm here because of a specific bad day. Yeah.

Is your order the same when you Taco Bell these days? Yeah, it's still that same order. I mean, they don't have the crispas. They don't have the crispas. Yeah. Do you substitute something else in for the crispas? No. I think they have like an ice cream sandwich made out of Cheetos.

They might have the Choco Taco there. Yeah, fluffernutter. They might have some sort of version of the Choco Taco. Yeah. Okay. The Choco Taco was always a nice ice cream treat. That is a great treat. Yeah.

Look, guys, I'm not here to malign Choco Tacos. No. Far be it. No. I would fucking walk out of this booth. Yeah. If I heard you talking shit about the Choco Taco. I'm just up in my cave.

Yeah. Handling my sweaters. Actually, when you were at National Margarita, were there other people celebrating that too? You know, no. Which is surprising because it's real. It's a real holiday. You know who I would picture celebrating that? I would think table of at midnight staffers right next to it.

Table of good morning LA staffers. Oh, yeahers oh yeah oh boy i would have loved to have these are communities of people who have both a need to know basis they need to know that it's margarita day because they're slaves to the news cycle slaves to the not quite news cycle The manufactured semi-news cycle. We have time to fill. And some of it needs to be topical. The topical time to fill community. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Matched with the, you know, camaraderie driven work. Yes, Trump is doing things, but it's all a bummer. Yeah.

Yeah, no, this, you know, this bar and this was a like, you know, this was a – this was not a proper Mexican place. This was like a Silver Lake-y, Fusion-y place. And yeah, very empty bar. I mean it was on like a Tuesday. National Margarita Day was on a Tuesday, which was – it showed some – was an error on their part. Wednesday. It was Wednesday. I'm sorry.

T-G-I-N-M-D. Sure. And so it was pretty empty, but there were two brand ambassadors there from, I think it was Quantro? Uh-huh. So there was a babe and a stud. Uh-huh.

Decked out in Quantro gear. Were they fucking? God, I would mean if these two were fucking. I feel like they'd leave that and go, we kind of have to fuck, right? Do we have to fuck? Yeah. We're both hot and gave up some of our dignity today. So they were in Quantro gear and they were coming around giving everybody little medicine

cups filled with a Quantro-based marg. Like the kind that a grandma would have her pills delivered to her in by a nurse yeah um those weren't grandma's pills

that was mommy's medicine I mean yeah that's what I call Margs some of that mommy's medicine

sure gross sure um and I felt bad for them because they were clearly

there in anticipation this place was going to be packed with National Margarita Day revelers. Right. But they were just kind of coming around to the tables and asking people if they wanted this, like, tiny shot of Cointreau margarita.

And then just at a certain point, they came around again and asked us if we wanted another one. Yeah. I think they just had to, like, get rid of this shit. At some point, just give them a margarita, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

Don't portion it out to me in these tiny demeaning cups. But anyway. By the time you have to be making second and third trips around the, who would you prefer, the babe or the stud? I mean, they were both jacked. Right. Sure. Can I be serious?

Yeah. In a perfect world. This isn't a comedy show, Jordan. Get dead serious. Sure, I will. Thank you. So, yeah, that was my National Margarita Day. That was nice.

Yeah. But I guess, yes, Jesse. Oh, I was going to say, I actually have a big update to share. Sure. Is this about the child you had or booze-based holidays? No, no, no. Nothing about the child. I had a child. His name is Curtis., no, no. Nothing about the child. I had a child.

His name is Curtis. He's doing great. Everybody's doing great. Thanks for all the well wishes, everyone. Last week's show was one that we recorded before the child was born. Child came early. Thanks also to Dave Shumka, who was kind enough to fill in for me a very, very fun day. Did a great job.

So there you go. There's that. That's not the announcement. Apparently, something we learned about Dave Shumka is he can rap most of the rap part from the Barenaked Ladies one week. Yeah, not a surprise. Not a surprise. I was floored. Yeah, I don't know.

I was not floored. Yeah, I pretty much had taken that as read going in. That Dave Shumka could do that. He didn't have to lift your jaw from anywhere. They teach that in schools in Canada. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was the National Anthem. It's like Gilgamesh. Yeah. Yeah, right.

That's honors Canadian. No, my announcement is actually related to you. If you're an AP, you just do Neil Peart drum solo. Um, uh, you, Jordan, uh, had a situation come up for you a few weeks ago at work. Um, and Seth, for your benefit, I'm going to encapsulate it briefly and you feel free to fill in any details. Jordan, Jordan brings lunch to work uh and he brings it in tupperware okay now there's a cleaning staff at work who will do dishes for you

so he tends to leave his tupperware for the cleaning staff uh to clean like a big jerk like a big jerk a real fucking hollywood asshole then he will will collect his stuff at the end of the week. A few weeks ago, he was there with one of his colleagues, a friend of the program. He said to her, I got to get my tuppies. Now, this was immediately controversial. This was red hot, right out of the gate. How do we feel about tuppies? The phrase or his way of using it?

Let's get your reaction before we continue down this road. This is the new Jordan Jesse go, what is a chode to you? You know, why don't we get an answer to both from Seth? Seth, when I say chode, what do you think of? Maybe we could do a quick Patrick Warburton impression. Yeah, I know. Then we could just hit all the buttons. When I say chode, what do you think?

Well, I think of the part of the anatomy. Yeah. Which is? Which is the grundle. Sure. Also known as the taint. The taint, sure. There you go.

That was Jordan's. Some people think it's a short, fat penis. Yeah. Oh. Anyway. Interesting. The community is divided. Wow people think it's a short, fat penis. Oh. Anyway. Interesting. The community is divided. Wow.

Okay, now what about tuppies? How do you feel about tuppies? I got to admit, when I first heard the word tuppies, I got a tightening, a little twinge, but I also think it's kind of cute. Yeah, and I think my coworker had that same reaction of not wanting to hear it ever again. So, yeah, I think it is one of those things. I don't know if you guys have heard, but there's some people who can't stand the word moist. And I never get tired of hearing from them, Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

But, yeah, I think it is one of those words like moist that, you know, some people... But nobody but you says it, right? No, I made it up. I'm the inventor of tuppies. Well, I've got good news for some people and bad news for other people. We've been doing this show, Jordan, 10 years. A decade.

Wow. Seth. How long has your podcast, Seth Morris Project, been going? About like four weeks. Yeah. Six weeks. So we've been doing our show for 10 years. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to take you all the way back to 2007. Okay. Yep. Good year. Justin Timberlake was making a good album with Timbaland a few years before that. I don't remember what happened in 2007. Yeah, boy.

I sure don't either. The years have become an undifferentiated matter. Yeah, probably nothing. Had the Fast and Furious movies gotten good yet? They were either good or almost good. No, that might have been Tokyo Drift. No, that might have been Tokyo Drift, yeah. If producer Brian could look up what the recent Fast and Furious movie was.

They were filming Tokyo, because I lived in Koreatown then. They were filming Tokyo Drift near my house in Koreatown. Really? Yeah. Ooh. 2006. Okay. So the world was reacting to Tokyo Drift in 2007.

Right. Yeah. We were reeling from the Vin Diesel cameo at the end. That's all anybody talked about. Yeah, yeah. So, okay. So we've been doing this for 10 years. And most other programs with devoted followings like ours. And we do have a passionate, devoted following. I mean, both of these guys love the show. Love the show.

Oh, one died. So it's just the one guy. Oh, okay. Yeah. The other guy died. Yeah, he did die. Hey, what's up, Law 3 partner? We have never had a name for our fans, for our listeners. So, like, for example, our friends Dave Shumka on his show Stop Podcasting Yourself, their listeners are called Bumpers. It's a long story that I don't remember, honestly, because it was a long time ago.

On My Brother, My Brother and Me, another fraternal program of ours here at MaximumFun.org, Mabim Bambinos. Okay? Everybody's got a fun name for their audience. Seth, have you picked that one yet for your people? I have not. I'm going to maybe like Smurpers or something. Yeah. That's a dope one.

Because it's Seth Morris Radio Project. Yeah. Smurpers. Smurpers. Hey, Smurps. You know what? Probably I said that because Tupp Smurpers or something. Yeah. That's a dope one. Because it's Seth Morris Radio Project. Yeah. Smurpers. You know what? Probably I said that because Tuppies was in my head. No, I don't think Smurpers is necessarily Tuppies. It's not Tuppies. Smurpers is not Tuppies.

No, you're biting. No? You think Smurpers bite in Tuppies? What about Smurpa Traders? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like it. Why are we talking about Seth's show right now? I know.

I want to hear what you guys came up with. Sure. Because I'm already imagining what. I am here to unilaterally declare. Hey, all you Smurpa Traders. It has a ring. That our listeners are now and will forever be known as Tuppies. Ooh, that's good.

That is good. Yeah, that's way better than the surface level, like, ghosters or... Yeah. Hey, hey, you're all my little tuppies out there. I'm talking to you. Yeah. What's up, tupps? What's up, tupps?

What's up, little tupps? I also want to say, if you haven't been on social media recently, I foolishly suggested that I would pay for any – so a listener designed a Tuppies style – tattoo style art piece immediately upon hearing about Tuppies. Yeah. We transformed that into a Tuppies t-shirt, which is really cool and is on maxfundstore.com right now. store.com right now but i foolishly declared that if anyone actually got it as a tattoo that i would pay for their tattoo oh well i'm here to say that someone got a tuppies tattoo it's real nice too yeah it looks like a premium price tattoo i've not gotten the bill yet uh but it looks like a high i'm gonna say to say with the shading, the different colors that went into it,

I'm worried this might be a $300, $400 tattoo. Oh, wow. Is it the word tuppies, or is it a picture of Tupperware? It is like a classic tattoo style scroll with tuppies on the scroll with the Tupperware in the background and a rose and some other tattoo shit.

Wow. The Tupperware looks like background and a rose and some other tattoo shit. Wow. The Tupperware looks like it has some sort of ventilation. Yeah, well, you know, it's for keeping your, I guess, baby turtle. Oh, okay. Turtle tuppies. Yeah. I also want to give a shout-out. A listener on Twitter invented Puppies and Tuppies,

which led our friend Megan Lynn Cott to create a Puppies and Tuppies poster which led our friend Megan Lynn Cott to create a Puppies and Tuppies poster that's in the MaxFun store. And just a lot of fun for me, checking out pics of Puppies and Tupps. Yeah. Puppies and Tupps, baby. Is that a thing? I guess it is, of course. You search for Puppies and Tupperware, you'll find something.

Yeah. Now, why not make your own line of Tupperware? You can't just Google it, though. No. I guess. Pornhub. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I mean, I guess something that we will run into if we're going to keep running with this. Yeah. And why wouldn't we? We are. P.S. I've decided that we are. We're running with it. Wait until you hear this other thing that we're running with.

Oh, boy. Okay. I guess something that we will run into is that Tupperware is not an item. It's a brand. It is like Q-tip where it's become the gold standard for the thing so much that that's what people know it as. Fair use. Okay. It's satirical.

It's satirical. Yes. This is a satire. Something I tried to start along the lines of Puppies and Tuppies that did not catch on like I thought it would. Cats in Amazon Prime boxes. Oh, yeah. Now, I'm not here to buzz market for Amazon Prime. Yeah.

But if you get an Amazon Prime box and if you have a cat, he'll get in it. Yeah. It's the first thing the cat will do after you've opened the Amazon Prime box. Yeah. Let's start. If you got Amazon Prime, it's going to happen naturally. It's a perfect place for the cat to watch Bosch. Yeah.

It's a castle of two things. Free next day delivery on a variety of items. Yeah. And Bosch. If I had a cat, it would like Red Oaks. Sure. You know, a lot of good Amazon Prime content. Ennis Esmer.

Very funny on that show. So that's our first announcement. Hashtag tuppies. It's a movement. Congratulations to all of you tuppies out there. Anyone who is repulsed by the word tuppies, of which there are a fair number. Sure. It's about 50-50.

Well, go suck a lemon. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully if you hate tuppies and think cilantro tastes like soap. Yeah. Oh, we're also going to force feed you all cilantro, by the way, so hopefully you like that. I also have one other big announcement. Okay. This is something

that is... Is this about a box that a cat would get into? No. Okay. Jordan, I apologize for that. All right. I know that you had your hopes up. Yes. Because you thought of that and posted it on Twitter one time. Yeah.

I thought people were going to follow suit. I thought that was going to turn into this huge thing that I could retire on. I don't know how I'm making money. Doesn't it suck when people don't think like you think? Yes. In general. Oh, God. I say that all the time.

Anyway. I never even noticed because I'm I say that all the time. Anyway. I never even noticed because I'm in my media bubble. Sure. Literally. Okay. Yeah. You only follow Chris Matthews on Twitter, right? Yeah.

And I am Chris Matthews. Oh, cool. Congratulations. Thank you very much. That's great. Yeah. I had a lot of fun. I was Tip O'Neill's press secretary at one point, I think.

That's a fun fact. Maybe it's somebody else that was Tip O'Neill's press secretary. Jordan, you've known me for a long time. We've been doing this show for 10 years. We worked together for five years before that. What would you say is the number one thing that people know about me? Well, um... Something that I love.

I mean, you hate the word moist. It's true. You're the first person to ever say that. Hate cilantro, tastes like soap. Yeah. That hurts a Christmas movie. Right. I think those are the three primary things.

Does this somehow rope... I was going to say love of lifelong learning. Oh, okay. Now, Seth, you might not know that about me, although we've known each other for quite a while. I am known all over the world for my passion for lifelong learning. I'm not surprised. Yeah.

I mean, I think Seth is in that same boat, being a fellow UC Santa Cruz alumna. Alumna. Yeah, alumna. Yeah. Alumno. Yeah. I believe it's the male form. Alumnamos.

We are all alumni. Yeah. What's the familiar again? Oh, I don't know. What if it's your work superior? Sientarse. Oh, boy. Sientate.

So I have a passion for lifelong learning. Everything from extension courses, book reading. Extension cords. Absolutely. Depends on how long the standard cord is. Right. Public radio and television. Yeah.

Instruction manuals. Mentors. Charts. Charts, yes. Yes, thank you. Nautical charts. Yes, protractors. Just anything protractor I love.

Calculations. Globes that have the land features are raised a little bit. How about this? I like that. Where you can feel around all those trenches. Picking brains. If I'm having lunch I'm picking somebody's brain. Okay? Right. I have a passion for lifelong learning

and I know that a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners also have a passion for lifelong learning. And here's the thing, Seth. I don't know if you know this. There's this guy named Bernard Sanders, and he says that Americans can't afford to learn. Okay? He says that our incomes are too unequal, and dairy is important.

This is a good question. Would he would have won? Yeah, he would have. Would he would have won? Would This is a good. Would he would have won? Yeah, he would have. Would he would have won? Would he would have won? Would he would have won? And so. Quick question.

Yeah. Would he would have won? Yeah. All right. I want to do something about that. I want to take action. Okay. Because I am tired of people talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, and not doing shit.

Okay. And I start, excuse my French, Seth, but not doing shit. And so I am announcing the first ever Jordan Jesse Goh Lifelong Learning Scholarship. Okay. Okay. This scholarship applies to any form of lifelong learning. Cassette tapes of great college courses. Okay.

Art programs at your local public park. Microfiche. Yes. Art programs at your local public park. Micro fish. Yes. In fact, one of the conditions that you use is that you spend some of the money printing out micro fish. Okay. We will also accept micro film. Okay. We're not snobs about it.

Right. By the way, somebody's got to bring those communities together. Yeah. That's bad. I know. Before violence erupts. Yeah, again. At our nation's public libraries.

It's a $1,000 scholarship. And this is real. Mm-hmm. $1,000 real dollars. U.S. dollars. I will write a check to the person who, between now and the start of the MaxFunDrive wears the biggest hat. Okay. It's the Jordan Jesse Goh Lifelong Learning Scholarship for people who wear the biggest hat.

$1,000. I have between 9 and 12 questions. Great. I'm ready. I have between nine and 12 questions. Great. What? I'm ready. How does, now, how are a big hat and learning connected? Well, Jordan, when you learn knowledge, where does it go? In your brain.

Now, where does your brain live? That's in your head. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. Guys, sometimes my brain is a little bit lower down, okay? Oh, yeah. But when it comes to the love of lifelong learning. You know how guys are.

Yeah. Think with their buttholes. Yeah. Join in. I don't know. You know how it is, guys. Yeah. We're always thinking we got one brain in our head and one in our tight little butthole.

Oh, pinky. I think about my butthole every seven seconds. Seth, what is the world's number one garment for heads? I'm talking about the whole world. I'm talking about- Okay, the world. I was going to say a red, white, and blue bandana,

but you're right. For the world, it's a hat. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you're Guy Fieri, then it's a pair of Oakleys. A pair of Oakley blades. I'm talking about the world over.

Okay, yeah. Not just Orange County. Yeah. Santa Rosa, I guess Guy Fieri is from. I was on a plane with him to Santa Rosa once. Whoa.

My mom lives right near that airport. Yeah. Was it like when Guy Fieri gets off a plane in Santa Rosa, is it like, you know, when the football team comes back from like winning the World Series and everybody's there to greet them? No, but he wanted it to be. Honestly, before I realized it was him, I had that feeling of like, there's a dick around here. Aggressive male energy here. And it was, yeah, he was preemptively annoyed that people-

Smells like Flavortown in here. Yeah. It smelled like Lowry's. Mm-hmm. So, knowledge lives in the head. Mm-hmm. Heads covered by hats. Big hat, big knowledge.

It makes perfect sense. A $1,000 scholarship. Jordan, you said you had some other questions. No, I think that covers it. Well, I have some sorry questions. So, how do they prove? They have photos of themselves in a giant hat? We will have a panel of celebrity,

lifelong learning enthusiasts. Malcolm Gladwell, right? Has this panel been constituted yet? No. Do I have George Saunders' email address? Yes, I do. He just came out with a new novel. What's he doing?

So that's the Saunders favor we're going to call it, huh? Judge the hat contest? Yeah. The greatest living American novelist? Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Are there any haberdashers on this panel? Well, that's an interesting question.

I have some haberdashers' email addresses as well. I bet you do. I know a hat maker. Listen, I don't... Maybe this is prejudiced of me. Yeah. But I've heard that those fellows can be a little bit mad. So?

I just don't want to be caught in some sort of endless tea party. I'm going to be putting together- Because this man has- There's too much mercury in his at- A blue ribbon panel to decide this $1,000 scholarship that, again, can be used for any form of learning, even sexual. So, Malcolm Gladwell. Yeah. Maya Angelou. Yeah, the late. So Malcolm Gladwell. Yeah. Maya Angelou.

Yeah, the late Maya Angelou. Yep. And Michael Silverblatt, who hosts Bookworm on KCRW. Right? Oh, man. I wish that Michael Silverblatt wasn't a local reference. I know. Remember when Dan Castellaneta basically did a Michael Silverblatt impression on Parks

and Recreation? It was really good. And I was watching. I was like, this is a Michael Silverblatt impression on Parks and Recreation. It was really good. And I was watching. I was like, this is spectacular Michael Silverblatt impression. And no one knows that this is an impression of a specific person. They can still enjoy it, though, because it's such a specific way of talking. But wait a minute. Back to the hats.

Because when you said that, I immediately thought of those big novelty foam cowboy hats. Right. What's bigger than that? I think you're going to have a bunch of people in those, unless you have people who are creative and they make an even more giant one. Honestly, I believe, Seth, we might see hats well beyond the traditional limits of hat making. So the biggest hat of all time is the 10-gallon hat.

Right. What if there was a 12-gallon hat? Are you also worried that people will just stand under an Arby's sign? Is that the way to game this? Well, I mean, they'd have to take that up with our celebrity panel. But I think that this hat, in order to count as having been worn, you will have to demonstrate that you can walk one block while wearing this hat unaided. Hats have to be worn on heads. That's true.

So you can't – so if it is just an RB sign situation, you have to find a way to dismount it and attach it to your head and walk with it. Walk one block, one city block. We both advocate returning it to the Arby's after you're done. And look, do you think that Henry Kissinger and the other members of the Blue Ribbon panel are going to accept some bullshit hat that you made up? No. No. They're going to stay with the spirit of the rules. This is not about gaming the system.

Hat size by volume. Okay. Does width count? Can it just be a lot? That's part of volume. Okay. Width, height, and depth. You know, I think you should start an LLC just for this contest because you I imagine lawsuits.

Somebody's going to get an eyeball whacked or there's going to be some big, big hat neck injuries. Madeline Albright's decision will be final. Yeah. OK, so so in this one thousand dollars. Yeah. Now, do they have to tell you what they're using it for? Is that part of the contest? What they're using the one thousand dollars for? Yeah. Yeah. Now, do they have to tell you what they're using it for? Is that part of the contest? What they're using the $1,000 for?

Yeah. Yeah. They have to have a specific educational goal in mind and a specific target for this money. So you can't just say, I want to become more sexually proficient. Sure. You have to say, I'm going to hire this sex coach. Yeah. Also Madeline Albright.

Yeah. Does that work? Dude, Madeline Albright. Yeah. Does that work? Dude, Madeline Albright. Yeah. How'd she get so tight? You know? She's got to keep it tight. Is that too gross?

Yeah, who knows? That's another Pornhub search. How'd Madeline Albright get so tight? You know us guys. There's two things we're thinking about. Our tight little buttholes and Madeline Albright. You know you're late at night when your butthole's whispering to you. Yeah.

What's Madeline Albright? Hey, say it's me, your butthole. Give that Madeline Albright a call. I bet she's up. We'll announce the winner on March 20th, the first day of the 2017 MaxFunDrive. Brian, can you set up an email address or something? And when we come back from the break, we'll announce how you get your information to us. I think preliminarily, I'm just going to say you share it on Twitter with us with a hashtag.

Now, have I prepared a hashtag? No, sir. I have not. Hashtag Jacked Albright. I was going to say a little hard to remember. Lifelong learning hat, maybe, but. A big hat? Hashtag big hat?

Yeah. That might, that sounds like it's like the nickname for a college football team. Yeah. Big hat. I'm sure there's like a swing band called Big Hat. Oh, there's absolutely just one member of Squirrel Nut Zippers.

It's me, the oboe player from Squirrel Nut Zippers. We'll have to ask Rachel Rosen about that. She probably knows. Hashtag Hashtag

JJ Go Big Hat. Okay. You think that'll clear up the confusion? Hashtag Albright So Tight. Yeah. I think hashtag JJ Go Big Hat. Great.

That'll be our first round. Share it with us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGoBigHat. And you're going to need to share a picture. You're going to need to share some evidence on Twitter of how big your hat is. Then we will select a pool of finalists. And by we, I mean Brian. Okay. He will select a pool of finalists, present them to the expert panel of celebrities and hat makers.

Okay. Millin makers. Okay. Milliners. Oh. What's the difference between a milliner and a haberdasher? Haberdasher runs a gentleman's clothing store. A milliner makes hats. Oh, I did not know that. I thought haberdashers did hats.

Yeah, now why is a haberdasher now more associated with hats? Or is it? Are we just wrong about that? I think a haberdasher, famously, like a haberdashery is a place where you would buy a hat. Probably from Harry S. Truman, our most famous haberdasher. Man who dropped the nuclear bombs on Japan. That's a fun fact. And sold a fair number of hats.

Here's a fucking hat for you. Yeah. It is haberdashery back home in the Midwest. Fun facts. Fun presidential facts. Fun presidential facts. A product of lifelong learning right there. Hashtag JJGoBigHat.

And the email address will be JJGoBigHat at gmail.com. Okay, so the first round... Don't just use that to sign up for porn sites. No. The first round is going to be on Twitter. Oh, quick aside. For a while I taught a sketch comedy class and had just a class email that everybody

was sending their sketches to when we needed to do a little read around. I checked in on that email that had been dormant for, you know, I hadn't taught this class in a year. Hoo boy, people used to sign up for a lot read around. I checked in on that email that had been dormant for, you know, I hadn't taught this class in a year. Oh boy, people used to sign up for a lot of porn. Oh boy, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, what are you going to do when you get home from sketch comedy

class? Yeah. Anyway, so I guess I should also, I should also, if I teach this class again in the future, which I would like to, I would, you know, I've just been so busy. Oh, I've just been so busy. I've just been so busy. Oh, so busy. If I do teach the class in the future, I should, you know, kind of start out with a primer.

You know, here's what's expected of you. You know, new pitches, rewrites. And then here's how to stream porn. Right. Just really let everybody know that you don't need to sign up for stuff. Yeah. You really don't need to put your email address into anything. No. You just have a nice ad blocker.

Yeah. There's major websites that you won't have any trouble using without putting any info in at all. There's at least three porn websites out there. Yeah. I've heard they're considering a fourth just for Albright. Not if Jeff Sessions has anything to say about it. Oh, boy. That'll crank.

He's demanding a porn site for, jeez, I don't know, Casper Weinberger? Ed Meese? Yeah. Okay. Those are conservative figures. That's fun. Hashtag JJGoBigHat. This is a real $1,000 scholarship.

Wow. And it must be used for educational purposes. What if you just spend it on drugs and your explanation is you were seeing what it's like to be fucked up? You were educating yourself as to what it's like when you're fucked up. No, you won't necessarily remember. Again, I'm just trying to look for all the loopholes here. So can't just stand under an Arby's sign. Do you think Lisa Loeb is going to stand for this kind of bullshit?

Is she on the panel now? Probably. I got her email address. So, okay. Is that how we're going to call in our Loeb favor? Yeah. All right. I'm calling email address. So, okay. Is that how we're going to call in our Loeb favor? Yeah. All right. I'm calling in all the favors.

I got George Saunders, Lisa Loeb, get Lin-Manuel Miranda to come by and judge this. I think there's maybe a better use of these people. Yeah. These are celebrities whose email address I have. I would love it if, for some reason, George Saunders and Lisa Loeb had a rivalry. I would not. I realize until you got them there. Oh, hey, Lisa.

Hi, George. Yeah, well, it's a classic team of rivals situation. Yeah, exactly. It's like Lincoln's cabinet over here. So, yeah, there you go. Hashtag JJGoBigHat. And something that you can do to help. If you're out there and you have not provided evidence of how big your hat could be,

search on Twitter for hashtag JJGoBigHat and fave your favorite big hats. Because then Brian's, his first line of defense is going to be, which one of these have the most faves? What's trending. Yeah. Okay. I got Weird Al Yankovic's email address. Again, better use of Weird Al than judging the hat contest. Yeah, I never asked him for a favor.

Now's the perfect time, right? I think so, yeah. What about Mayor Eric Garcetti? I don't have his email address, but I could call. Yeah. And ask for him? Sure. I mean, I bet someone from his staff will probably answer, but I bet they'll relay the message.

Well, if I tell them I'm a local businessman. Right. You know, let's just have local celebrities judge it. Eric Garcetti, Michael Silverblatt, host of Bookworm. Angeline. Angeline. I got a better idea. We got Lisa Loeb, George Saunders, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

When I was in high school, I was in junior state of America, and I met Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren. Let's throw her in there. Okay. How about your mom? She's a lactation counselor. Yeah, I bet my mom. I think, you know what? I think that's a good use of my mom.

Yeah? Judging hats. What about my mom? Yeah, I think she could probably, she probably can tell what hat's bigger than another hat. Yeah. Okay. She's a sharp lady. My mom, your mom, George Saunders, Lisa Loeb.

My mother, your mother, they live across the street. Thought I would let you know. Yeah, I think this is the most exciting thing. Yeah, I think my mom and George Saunders have been looking for a project to do together too. So I think this is great. Weren't they looking for like a feature? Yeah, but I think this is a nice like, you know, it was like, you know, they were talking about it as a feature. Then like, oh, maybe this is like a miniseries, like an HBO Sunday night kind of thing.

And it's like it's evolved a lot. Eliza Dushku was attached. Yeah, Dushku. But then she just got she got called away. She had to appear at a Buffy the Vampire Slayer convention in North Dakota. So it didn't work out. Timing, you know, getting everybody's schedules. I thought Warburton was a great replacement, though. Right. So it didn't work out. Timing, you know, getting everybody's schedules together. I thought Warburton was a great replacement, though.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, if you're looking for a deuce coup type. Lincoln's in the bar now. But yeah, no, I think my mom and George Saunders, this could be the, this could scratch that collaborative itch that they've been meaning to get around to. Jerry, Jerry, Civil War lands in bad decline. Patrick Warburton reads George Saunders. Hey, Audible, make it happen.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skylar Astin, Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee,

Jane Levy, Allison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette, Casey Wilson, Anna Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June Diane Raphael, Kiernan Shipka,

Ed Weeks, Zach Knighton, Kerry Kenny Silver, John Ross Bowie, Jamie Denbo, Janet Varney, Alexander Torsani, Chris Summer,

Natalie Morales, Matt Gourley, and many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Seth Morris, 6'4". He is, folks. A fit 6'4". Yeah. Alive. Sinewy 6'4". Do you consider yourself sinewy?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I didn't want to speak for you. He's good in everything, Jordan. Good in everything. Seth Morris, good in everything. Everybody knows that about Seth Morris. Want somebody to hit a home run?

Yeah, you got some polyester pants for your sitcom you need somebody to wear? Seth Morris is in. He's going to do a great job. Exactly. He brings his own polyester pants. Oh, really? Yeah. He's ready.

Hey, we got a sponsor on this week's program. It's Mack Weldon, isn't it? Yeah, it sure is. Mack Weldon, it's a wonderful company. They make underwear. They make socks. And they make shirts. They look good.

And they're very comfortable. Jesse, I have a pair of Mack Weldon underwear. Oh, yeah? Guess what my a pair of Mack Weldon underwear. Oh, yeah? Guess what my favorite pair of underwear I own is. Mack Weldon? It's my Mack Weldon's, and I'm not just saying that because we're doing the ad. That is a genuine thing that I believe, is that my pair of Mack Weldon underwear is my favorite pair of underwear, and they perform, my friend.

Can I tell you something for real? Yeah. My wife got a coupon code to Mack Weldon when they were sponsoring her program, One Bad Mother. I said, yeah, sure. Let's order some underpants. You know what I mean? Let's see how these things fly. Yeah.

Okay. I bought them. I liked them so much that I threw away my old underpants and bought new Mack Weldon underpants. That's a true story, folks. Yeah. Wow. They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial. Antimicrobial.

They eliminate odor. I didn't know that about them. Solid silver. 925 sterling. Okay. Sterling. 950, that's going to be coin silver. There's sterling silver, 925 sterling. Okay, sterling. 950, that's going to be coin silver. There's sterling silver, 925.

Apparently, if you get these Mack Weldons and you don't like them, which you will, you can keep them. They'll send you a refund. Should you rub them on your balls first? Yeah. By all means, they're yours. Get them. You don't need to send them back. And hey, if you go to MackWeldon.com, you can get 20% off by using the promo code JJGO.

It's JJGO at MackWeldon.com. Great underpants. Great underpants. And we mentioned this earlier on in the program, but if you go to MaxFunStore.com, we have a couple of awesome new Jordan Jesse Go items available for purchase. of awesome new Jordan Jesse Go items available for purchase. The Puppies and Tuppies poster. The Tuppies tattoo design

by, I'm probably going to butcher her name, Lizzie Tritilli. I think I did okay. Tritilli? I didn't say it with a lot of confidence, but that's probably around how it's said. Tritilli? Lizzie Tritilli. I did a great job with this Tuppies tattoo design.

I literally think this is the coolest t-shirt we've ever had. It's great. It's really, really great. This is the first t-shirt that we've ever had that I would consider wearing. Something I don't think people know is that all the Jordan Jesse Go merchandise is handled by an outside company. Yeah. Our friend's at Topetico.

So we don't have it laying around. No. I think when people think about us and merch, they think we're just rolling around in it. Yeah, they think it's like a Scrooge McDuck situation. Yeah, but this is such a nice shirt.

I might actually just put down my own money and order one because that's the only way I could get one. I actually was thinking really seriously about doing that today

because I liked it so much. It's a great shirt. Get over there to maxfundstore.com and check it out. Yeah, all that stuff right there

on maxfundstore.com. And also thanks to everybody who came out to Very, Very Fun Day and watched Jordan and Dave kill it by all accounts. Like, I've gotten so many notes from people about what a great job you guys did and what a blast it was overall. Oh, yeah, tons of fun, tons of fun. We're hoping to bring that across this great nation sometime this summer. Regionally.

I'm not talking about a barnstorm Regionally. I'm not talking about a barnstorming tour. I'm just talking about regional. A few dates here and there. Regional highlights. You're Austin, Texas. Atlanta, Georgia. Okay. Boston, Massachusetts. Another great town. These regional...

Hubs. Hubs. Thank you. Yeah. A hub and spoke system. We tour in a hub and spoke system. Yeah. Just so you know. It gets complicated because you always come back to the center before every new gig. Also, everybody earns double miles.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, that I'd make friends right away, that I'd have an amazing time. It turns out everyone was right. I instantly had 200 new friends. I've made lifelong friends at MaxFunCon that I'm going to keep in touch with for the rest of my life. If you aren't sure if you belong at MaxFunCon, you belong. Don't be like me. Don't waste two years being too nervous. Just go already. Join Ariel, Patrick, and Joe at MaxFunCon.

Tickets for MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Seth Morris. Da-da-da. Oh, you have a signature tone. I really like that.

Seth, what's going on on this Seth Morris project? So it's a limited run podcast. It's more of a comedy album. There's three episodes. And it's basically my ode to radio, terrestrial radio. You hear somebody get into a car, turn on the radio, and then you're kind of channel surfing from station to station. Wow. Three episodes, morning, afternoon, late night.

And our attempt was to capture that mood, that tone of what it's like to listen to the radio at that hour. Sounds like a moneymaker. It's a real moneymaker, yeah. You have print and dough here. Exactly. And I don't know if you're talking about this. Off mic, I asked. Apparently, there's some secrets.

There's some secret tracks. Okay. Seth Morris fan, some deep cut Seth Morris oeuvre. Okay. Secret tracks. Now, are you prepared To tell people How to find these Or are they just

Going to have to Put them on themselves I don't know I don't know if you want to I don't know if it's like I mean I remember When a CD had a secret track Oh no

Just like a CD You just got to keep listening Just your patience Will be rewarded Sure sure Eventually it'll get To track 93 And you'll get to hear

The version of the Danzig song Mother that you like Right yeah The one you know From MTV Yeah Yeah Yeah and you'll get to hear the version of the Danzig song Mother that you like. Right, yeah. The one you know from MTV. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but to listen to the whole thing, you go to stitcherpremium.com backslash Seth and enter the code Seth and you can hear the first episode for free.

Hell yeah. It's a great deal. I'd just go ahead and do that. Just do it. You could also go to macweldon.com and enter the code JJGO for 20% off. Right. But that's going to get

you comfortable underwear and not hilarious comedy. It's a good point. Right. But unlike Mack Weldon, if you don't like my podcast, I want you to send it to me.

I want you to send your used underwear to me. So you can... When something momentous happens to you, like you hear a great podcast from Seth Morris,

the Seth Morris Radio Project, SMRP. SMRP. We ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The phone number, 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. That's a free call for folks in the Seattle area. Otherwise, long-distance charges to apply. Does anyone still pay long distance?

I don't know. Is that a concern anymore? Maybe. I get free nationwide calling. Nice. Nice. You got that? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, fucking. This is probably just classic coastal elitism. Yeah. Just those out in LA talking about their data plans while we're out here in mines paying long-distance charges. Yeah. I assume everyone who's not out here is in a mine. Well, you know what the problem is. They spend a certain amount of time in a mine.

You know why they got to pay those long-distance charges, Jordan? They made that mine too deep. Now they're calling from China. Yeah, geez. I know. That's an international call. Yeah, you got it, buddy. Okay, let's hear our first call.

Check your local Yellow Pages for information on international dialing. Yeah. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. It is Lizzie B. in Brooklyn. This year marks my 10-year anniversary with the Container Store. So I could not resist in running to the tattoo shop and getting a Teppies tattoo. And I just left there, and it looks super rad. I will post it in the group.

All right. Punch a blimp, guys. Yeah. I think that's a great example of punching a blimp. I think so too. Although I do suspect that this call might have some fraudulent information because we only have the one listener in Brooklyn. It's the guy who works at the comic book store.

Are you telling me there's a second Brooklynite who listens to this? It's possible that she's calling from one of our bigger markets like Dubuque. Right, yeah. And she just forgot. Did she say Brooklyn, New York? Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, it could have been, sure. One of those other Brooklyns.

Brooklyn, Iowa. If they're both in Brooklyn, New York, it'd be great if there was a love connection that was made. Oh, that might be nice. I'm pretty sure she's in Brooklyn, New York, it'd be great if there was a love connection that was made. Oh, that might be nice. Hey, if you... I'm pretty sure she's in Brooklyn, Montana. It's a suburb of Missoula. Mm-hmm. Well... It's just outside Missoula.

That would be a great place to visit. Have you been to Missoula? Yeah, it's gorgeous. It's a cool town. I've heard it's gorgeous. Seth, what'd you do in Missoula when you were there? I was there for two different road trips randomly. Okay. were there i was there for two different road trips randomly okay one time we uh um we we had

a friend who was going to college there and uh my friend it was an age in life this could never happen again where we sort of dared each other because my friend liked this girl uh-huh and uh he said we we had a friend in chico and and we first went to chico and we're almost there now we kept joking we should go to missou, we should go to Missoula, we should go to Missoula, and kind of dared each other. And then we woke up one morning in Chico, said, yeah, let's go, and we took off all the way to Missoula. Did he meet the Missoula girl?

He did. He already knew the Missoula girl, and then they were just, she had a boyfriend. But hey, you created some magical memories. Got to see the big sky country. Yeah. Do some fly fishing. In Missoula, they have a strip club that is 24 hours a day, and they serve breakfast 24 hours a day.

And one of their specialty is fried brains. Oh, my gosh. So they have these big plastic jars of cow brains. I never ate the cow brains. And they're fried? Yeah. Is there a dipping sauce? I don't know. It just looked like eggs. I saw it. I never ate the cow brains. And they're fried? Yeah. Is there a dipping sauce? I don't know.

It just looked like eggs. I saw it. I never ate it. Wow. Huh. Is there a concept at this restaurant? Are we once again accidentally hosting the Doughboys podcast? But I mean, I guess the concept is eat these fried brains and look at these tits. Yeah. And did I

Oh, it's also a little casino. Wow. Yeah. That is a one-stop shop. it's also a little casino. Wow. Yeah. That is a one-stop shop. It's really a one-stop shop. That is a literal one-stop shop. What kind of gambling can you do at a Brainstorm, Montana? Well, there's a lot of one-armed bandits, and then there was a separate section that was, I think you

could play some poker or something. Full nudity? I didn't go in there. The poker dealers. Are the poker dealers all nude? Just bottomless old men. They have like vests and bow ties on. Just a shirt that's hanging down barely covering their genitals. Oh, yeah. You just see the tip of their balls.

Oh, boy. We got one more momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. So last night, my entire friend group on Twitter and myself found out that our friend Dom didn't die last summer and his wife was a completely made up person made up by him

he's been catfishing us for about nine years now I mean it's like they were listening to our conversation because this sounds like a move that will be pulled by Dominic Toretto from the Fast and Furious franchise. Fakes his own death just so he can, I don't know, pull some sort of car job. Yeah, probably some kind of car job. Yeah, some sort of robbery that also involves hot rocks.

Probably where he's driving a car off of a boat into a plane. Yeah, that would be fucking rad. Yeah. Wow, so this guy faked his death and made up a wife? That's pretty good. Should I watch other Fast and the Furious movies besides Fast and the Furious number five? No, I think if you, if you like,

I think the conventional wisdom is that around five, they're like, oh, we should just make these crazy. And then that's what they've been doing since five. I don't think you should watch the other ones because they will be not as crazy and take themselves more seriously. What about the ones after five? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're definitely going to watch six and seven.

Because I only saw five. Yeah, get your hands on six and 7. Did they just finish? Is 8 the next one or 7? 8, yes. 8 is the fate of the Furiouses coming out. So you're going to want to be caught up for that. That's one where Dom, much like this Dom, betrays the family. Dom-da-dom-dom.

Yeah, I know. I know. So, is this just viral marketing for a fast movie? Did we just fucking, did we just play a call? Did we just fucking buzz market? It's worth it. Classic buzz marketing. Listen, it's not like we ever talk about them on the show anyway.

Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, I would say that if you like 5, 6, and 7, more of the same, in a good way, added Statham, which is a bonus. And The Rock, right? He wasn't on until five or six. I think The Rock started in five. Yeah.

And one of them, either six or seven, hard to say, doesn't matter. The Rock is in the hospital for a lot of it, but comes in for the final battle, and he flexes himself out of a cast. Yes. And then somehow shoots down a drone and rips off the machine gun and blows of a cast. Yes. And then somehow shoots down a drone and rips off the machine gun and blows off a tank. The thing that I remember the most about Five is that it was a ton of fun. But then there was, like, one serious scene.

Yeah. And I was like, what is this? Like, am I supposed to be having feelings right now? It was excreble. It was one of the worst movie scenes I've ever seen in my life. And again, I enjoyed the movie overall. Like, I'm not being too fancy for it. I just was like, what is this scene?

Like, someone was talking about how he lost his dad or something. I don't remember. There was a lot of mythology there. I remember it was on a balcony. And it's a pretty long-going series. And I think that if you watched, if you got that first Fast movie at the right time. Right. Then you are, you do have some sort of attachment to these characters.

Mostly Bow Wow. Yeah, Bow Wow. Ludicrous. So, yeah, I think they, I think that they do want to have that earnestness to acknowledge the fans who have been there with them. The family. The rider dies. You know? Needs more sexy cholas.

Yeah? Not enough? They occasionally have a sexy chola, but it seems like it should be chock-a-block with sexy cholas. Sure. I like a sexy chola. Sure. Just feel like it should be chock-a-block. Let's say chock-a-block, okay?

Chock-a-block, sexy chola. That's my actor warm-up before I go on stage. Chock-a-block, sexy chola. I hear there's a great bar in Missoula, Montana. You can get some fried goat testicles. 206-984-4FUN, our telephone number. 206-984-4FUN. Give us a call if something momentous happens to you.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Seth Morris, limber and timber. You've got a lot of good nicknames. Yeah, three solid nicknames. Your nickname game is pretty strong this episode.

Congratulations. Watch out, Kurt Anderson. Yeah, geez. Just emailed Kurt Anderson today. How's he doing? He's doing well. We're going to blow that Anderson favor on this hat thing? Yeah, absolutely.

Great. No doubt about it. You know who would do it? Glenn Washington from Snap Judgment. Yeah. Glenn Washington is in on this. You're saying now. I'm going to email Glenn.

Yeah, I feel like it's a mere formality that I'm emailing Glenn Washington to ask him to be on this panel. I think Glenn Washington is on board. It's going to be a prestigious panel, no doubt. My mom, Glenn Washington. Jake Tapper from CNN a prestigious panel, no doubt. My mom, Jake Tapper from CNN. I have his email address. Yeah, we could,

yeah, let's burden the tap. I feel like there's going to be a subcommittee once there's a controversy about the initial ruling, and then they're going to have to, you know, you're going to have a separate body to investigate that process. I think at the end of the day, if there's a deadlock on the jury,

my mom's the deciding vote. She's the vice president. She breaks the tie. Yeah. Hashtag, what is the hashtag again? JJ Go Big Hat. Hashtag JJ Go Big Hat on Twitter. Share pictures or video evidence of how big your hat is.

You can describe your hat, but we are going to need documentary evidence. Don't catfish us. Don't hat fish us. Don't hat fish us with just talking about this hat. Don't Photoshop it. Oh, I want to. Let's meet and see the hat. Oh, I can't. I'm busy.

I'm so busy. Let's Skype and see the hat. Oh, I can't. My internet's down. Let's see that fucking hat. Can I establish one rule here? Yeah. This is really important.

No false flag operations. Sure. Yeah. Don here? Yeah. This is really important. No false flag operations. Sure. Yeah, don't put a hat on a crisis actor. That is a base rule for the whole thing. Okay? No false flag operations. And no lizard people.

So two rules. If you're part of the Bilderberg group, you're ineligible. Yeah, Bilderberg group, ineligible. Also if you work at Bilderbeer. Yeah. So let's list our rules here. Brian, write these down, okay?

Number one, biggest hat by volume. Number two, the tiebreaker is my mom. Number three, no false flag operations. Number four, no Bilderberg group members. Number five, no one who works at Build-A-Bear. Build-A-Bear workshop. You are decimating your demo here. Yeah, who's going to enter? Is this, now be honest.

Yeah. Beyonce. Yeah, be honest, Beyonce. Only from Target. Are you just doing this to get pics to satisfy some sort of fetish? Is this like when Quentin Tarantino had that toenail painting contest? Did he really? No.

I would totally believe it. No. Okay. No. Okay. No, in fact, I am... It's not like when John Travolta had that tight-shaved co-pilot contest. So you're saying no. You don't have a sexual reason for doing this. There's no sexual reason.

And in fact, I'm going to take it one step further. You don't even have to be 420 friendly. Oh, wow. Okay. You can be. We would appreciate it. But you do not even have to be 420 friendly. Extra points if you're sparking up a massive dube in your picture.

I mean, if you're blazing ganja, I'm going to take that into account. Sure. Certainly my mom's going to take that into account. Yeah. You know, my mom's blaze a little ganja. You know who she is, Seth. Oh, yeah. San Francisco lady, right?

Yeah. Santa Rosa Junior College, baby. Oh. You know, one time in Santa Rosa Junior College, somebody dropped a big bag of weed into her mailbox. Really? She wasn't sure what to do with it. So what'd she do with it?

Did she smoke it? I think she gave it to a friend who still, I don't think she's smoked weed in a long time. Yeah. I'm 70. Yeah. But I think she gave it to a friend who still, I don't think she's smoked weed in a long time. Yeah. I'm 70. Yeah. But I think she gave it to a friend. Oh, okay.

Who would use it. Right. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you very much. To your mom's friend. Thank you very much. You got super blazed.

Yeah. For free. Courtesy of someone running from the campus police. Or trying to frame your mom for something. Or trying to get a good grade, but forgetting to include their name. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

Seth Morris, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, thanks for doing it. This is wonderful. Always a joy to have Seth Morris. I recommend enjoying Seth Morris's couple of brief appearances on The Good Place. It was a Seth Morris appearance that I watched recently.

And my wife and I said to each other, I said, you know, you know what I think about that Seth Morris? And my wife said, he's always great.

Yeah. He's always great. That's so nice. You agreed. Always does a great job. Doesn't matter what you put Seth Morris in, he's going to do a great job.

And then you guys decided not to get that divorce. Yeah. So thank you, Seth. When can I leave your house, by the way? I'm the only thing holding you together

It's a lot of responsibility Seth, I appreciate it And I'm going to need you to stay indefinitely Okay Marriage is important Marriage between one man and one woman With one comic actor Right

Holds the whole thing together Do you think Seth can duck out And you can just slide in a Jillian Bell? And then you'll have somebody else who's always great when they pop it up with a little part. John Ross Bowie? Maybe. Okay. I'm not even going to say. I'm going to say maybe.

John Ross Bowie, okay? Maybe. All right. The only one I'm going to give you 100% on, Luis Guzman. If you can get Luis Guzman in there, yeah, sure, absolutely. That guy's great in direct-to-DVD Carlitos Way sequels. Okay? But I can't promise you I don't have his email address.

You're pointing at me like I have it. I'll get you Lisa Loeb's email address. Our producer, Brian Fernandez, hashtag JJGoBigHat. This is a real contest. A thousand bucks on the line. One thousand bucks. A real thousand dollars. Even more importantly, more learning on the line.

Yes, thank you. Thank you. No, you're right. I'm Even more importantly, more learning on the line. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. No, you're right. I'm sorry that I put the money over the learning. Right. Guys, hold on one second. Jesse's standing up to do a bit.

That includes, oh, he's turning his chair around backwards. Cool teacher. Must be time for some real talk. Let me rap to you guys. Yeah. Are you listening at home? Jesse's chair is actually backwards. He's committing to this. You don't need $ So you're listening at home. Jesse's chair is actually backwards. He's committing to this.

You don't need $1,000 to learn. Mm-hmm. Okay? That's not what learning's about. But can $1,000 buy a lot of knowledge? Yeah. Fuck yes. Mm-hmm.

Okay? Fuck yes. Community college credits. DeVry. Mm-hmm. $1,000 can get you a private investigator's license. You get a Viewmaster. Yeah.

And a Viewmaster disc that'll show you some dinosaurs. They could use it for lifelong knowledge to hire a private investigator to follow their ex-wife. Oh, yeah. Is my wife fucking someone else? That's knowledge. That's a piece of knowledge. It's an important fact. You can get a degree in that cold-hearted bitch.

Yeah. Hashtag JJGoBigHat. Hashtag all regular conversations about the show JJGo. Join us in the MaxFun Facebook group. A lot of fun happening over there. That's where I learned about this Tuppy statue. I don't listen to the program. Learned about it right there in that Facebook group.

That's great. It's a great way to keep up with Jordan Jessica without having to listen. Yeah. I don't listen to the program. Learned about it right there in that Facebook group. That's great. It's a great way to keep up with Jordan Jessica without having to listen. Yeah. Stop listening. Just look on the Facebook group. Maximumfun.reddit.com is a great place to go on Reddit. And I also want to mention, I've talked a lot on this show over the years about P the G's classic rap song, Cheeseburger.

We getting cheeseburgers. I'm getting a double cheeseburger. P the G has reinstated his YouTube account. Okay. He's got all new videos, including the classic cheeseburger. In fact, Brian, can we go out on a little bit of My Man P the G and cheeseburger? For Jordan Morris, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez over there on the boards, I've been Jesse Thorne. Seth Morris, of course, from the Seth Morris Radio Project.

This is My Man P the G. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. The Double cheeseburger. I'm getting the double cheeseburger. I'm getting the triple cheeseburger. I'm getting the triple cheeseburger. Yeah, y'all know PDG stay with the cheeseburger. Coming up every day like the magic. Maximumfun.org.

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