Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 470: Time is a Hat Circle with Dan Kennedy

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Writer and host Dan Kennedy joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of what happened when Dan's AirBnB hosts asked him to dinner, the increased deployment of the clapping emoji between words online, and how great Laurence Fishburne is in John Wick 2. Plus, Jesse announces the Blue Ribbon Commission who will be judging the finalists of the $1000 #JJGoBigHat Scholarship for Lifelong Learning.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to the program, all you tuppies out there. What up, tuppies? I want to say, Jordan, real quick, because I like to give, and we'll introduce our guest in a moment, I like to give credit where it's due.

By the way, I should say that before we started, I think you were in the restroom. Yeah. Going potty. Yeah. Like you do sometimes. That's what you assume I was doing. Oh. Were you shooting up?

Yes. Oh, shooting up. Yes. Maybe you were pulling yourself off. No. I wasn't pulling myself off. Is that a way of saying masturbating? Okay.

Detour. Let's remember what we were talking about. Okay. You shooting heroin. We'll get back to it. Right. So when you work for At Midnight, as I do, you have to make a lot of jokes that involve masturbation. Yeah, sure.

Well, young men love At Midnight because it's a hilarious show. Sure. Young men love masturbation. They sure do. It's the one thing they all have in common. It makes them feel great and it helps them get to sleep. Exactly. J-O-T-L-E-K-O. Right.

Got it. And you can notice who, because there's a lot of great writers on that show. And you can tell who wrote something by how they talk about masturbation. Uh-huh. I say cranking it. Uh-huh. Nick Weiger pulling yourself off. That's not a phrase.

I think it is. I don't believe it. It sounds like it's from the 20s. Don't you think it sounds like, ah, Al Capone was pulling himself off before. Jordan, you know that I have a- Elliot Ness bust down the door and broke up his hooch ring. You know that I have a great- Shouldn't have pulled yourself off, Mr. Capone.

I have a great regard for our friend and your colleague, Nick Weier. Wonderful podcaster, a decent man. One of the funniest guys there is. Can I also just mention something so as not to gender this more than it already is. Another great writer on the show, Chelsea Davidson

coined the term for the female spank bank as mash cash. I want everybody out there, I want you to try and use mash cash in conversation. Find old Chelsea Davidson on Twitter. Send her a thanks. Mash cash.

It's a useful phrase. Don't send her a weird tweet about mash cash, though. I'll make sure to tell her that these are coming, by the way, so she's not terrified. Anyway, I was just going to say, I hold Nick Weiger in the highest regard, but I will differ with him on whether

pulling yourself off is a real phrase and whether anyone should eat a Del Taco. Two points of divergence between I hold them in the highest esteem, I want to be clear. But what I wanted to give you credit for, Jordan, if I can get back to the A story line here.

What are we talking about? Yeah. Let's introduce our guest. Yeah, you K-holing, right? Let's introduce our guest, one of our favorite guests. That's not a euphemism for masturbation, by the way. It means it's like being in like a heroin daze no it's a different drug okay it's a tranquilizer huh

dan what an interesting episode this is dan dan will know our guest on this week's program is a celebrated memoirist and novelist he's the one of the hosts of The Moth podcast. Right? I'm getting that right, right? I know that there's different hosts on different parts of The Moth. There are. Do you always host The Moth podcast? When I'm in town, I host The Moth podcast.

Okay, so he's almost always. And then sometimes do you host the radio version or never? I think I've only been on there as a storyteller. Okay. I haven't been on there as a host. Dan Kennedy is his name. One of our favorite guys. And the thing I was going to compliment you on, Dan, was before we started, you're like,

and I'm not going to be one of those guys who talks before I'm introduced. So thank you. Yeah. You sure didn't. You sure didn't talk before you were introduced. So thank you. Yeah. You sure didn't. You sure didn't talk before you were introduced.

I'm going to compliment Dan on his tasteful floral shirt, which makes him look like an enormous elf. Like an attractive, enormous elf. Sort of what I'm aiming for is like sexy storytelling elf. That's a thing that hasn't really super hugely hit yet. You have an elfin feature without an elfin scale. Yeah. That's one of the things I'm going for. I call it forced elf perspective.

Right. It's sort of a – It's a science thing. It's a little bit of a science thing. It's sort of a – It's a science thing. It's a little bit of a science thing. I just want to say too that, one, it was wonderful to have some assistance in figuring out what the hell it is I do. Because we were both – I like that we were both equally confused.

You were like, do you host the podcast, the Moth podcast all the time? And I was like, I think I do. But then sometimes other – then I'm gone and someone calls me and I'm in L.A. Periodically, you head over to the Argo Studios to visit Paul Rouest and the two of you lay down some tracks. It's all so different now, though. He's wearing a Guatemalan vest. It's all so different now, though. That's a little referential humor for an audience of zero.

Yeah. Me and Dan Kennedy, no Paul Ruest. Anyway. Anyway. I don't want to get too far off of this A plot here. Which is how do you refer to jerking off? No, that's the B plot. Hold on. Dan, where do you stand?

Well, let me tell you one thing. So, you know, without giving too big of a peek behind the curtain, which by the way is a 40s reference for masturbating. Judas having a peek behind the curtain. That's right. So that was like a post-jazz age way of saying it. My 40s voice and 20s voice are the same by the way. Yeah. Everybody's.

Anything before 1970. Oh, you just talk like this. That's right. I just want to say that without- I'm headed to Woodstock to see Jimi Hendrix. Why? Yeah. When I get there, I'll be doing some acid.

Well, I'm looking forward to Altamont. Oh, yes, indeed. Oh, man. Altamont was a bummer. That's the day the 60s died. I'm going to go camping with my friend Charlie Manson. That's also the day that- Was that the 70s?

That was in the 70s, I think. I think that's the day that the dialect changed. I'm going to go camping with my friend Charlie Manson. That's also the day that- Was that the 70s? That was in the 70s, I think. I think that's the day that the dialect changed, too, was Altamont. It was like, why, I'm on my way to see the Rolling Stones at Altamont. These Hells Angels, boys, sure will keep me safe. Oh, no, now I talk like this. Oh, man. I'm into Steely Dan now. They, like, stabbed everybody.

It was harsh. I enjoy the drumming of Neil Peart now. Dan, what do you call cranking it? Well, that's what I was going to say. We've got to resolve the B plot before we get back to the A plot. I was going to say before. Isn't this more of a D plot? It is because it involves the D.

Before, like I said, I didn't want to give too much of a peek behind the Max Fun curtain. But the situation when you're on JJ Go in the headquarters, in the worldwide headquarters, not the remote situation, is that you hang out in the booth with Jordan and with Jesse and you kind of wait for it to come to the part where you all start talking. And I just want to say it's a little weird being between two grown men who are talking about masturbating and sitting perfectly silently between the two while you discuss it and just going, uh-huh. Dan, imagine. Are they almost done? Should I leave? There was that moment where I was like, hmm.

I think most guests just busy themselves in their phone. By the way, busying yourself with your phone. That's how those millennials. Is the new term. I would say, Dan, that you should think about what it's like to have two grown men whisper about masturbation directly into your ears. Because that's the at-home experience. That's right. I didn't think of that.

I didn't think of that. Okay. Let's get off of J-O's because I got a K-O for you. Sure. I want to compliment you, Jordan, because last week on the program, we brought up a couple of major initiatives slash topics. Okay? Number one, we decided that from this point forward, all Jordan Jesse Go listeners, and

by we, I mean I, all Jordan Jesse Go listeners would be known as tuppies, which, by the way, is spelled T-U-P-P-Y in the singular, T-U-P-P-I-E-S in the plural. That was our first thing. That has received, I'm going to say, a largely positive response with some very vociferous dissents. Sure. Some extremely. So overall- Do you think that the people who hate tuppies are the same people who hate the sound of Brian laughing?

Yes, probably so. Is that a diagram? What's that diagram look like, I guess? I think it's like a circle and underneath it is written the word normal. Sure. Just normal human beings can't bear this. The other big initiative that I announced, of course, was Jordan Jesse Goh's scholarship for lifelong learning, which is going to be awarded March 20th at the beginning of the MaxFunDrive to the person who wears the biggest hat. But they have to walk one block.

One block in the hat. And, you know, the finalist will be decided by Brian. And the winner will be decided by a blue ribbon panel. And I will be announcing the blue ribbon panel on this program. However, today or at a later date? You mean, will they be decided? They'll be decided at a later date? You mean Will they be decided? They'll be decided at a later date

Okay And unless this program Oh, I see what you mean No, I mean on this episode of this program Okay Unless we keep recording Until it is a literal later date Yeah

I mean, it's nighttime That's true We could, yeah We could go past midnight Or just cross the international deadline Yeah Then we turn into mogwais, right? We could, yeah, we could go past midnight. Or just cross the international deadline. Yeah. Then we turn into mogwais, right?

Yeah, I think that's correct. Yeah. But Jordan, I wanted to congratulate you because when it comes to, and I would expect nothing less of you because you are a professional memeticist. Sure. As an employee at the At Midnight program, generating internet memes as part of your business. You complained briefly on the program about being unable to start the meme of kitty cats in Amazon Prime boxes. Yeah. Well, the meme has blossomed. It's here.

You know how Amazon Web Services went down the other day? I'm convinced it's because of the popularity of pictures of cats inside of Amazon Prime boxes. I'm going to be talking about this with Kathy Lee and Hoda next week. Absolutely. It's going straight to the top. Yeah. So I just wanted to congratulate you on that. I thought you might want to introduce a hashtag or something so people can check it top. Yeah. So I just wanted to congratulate you on that. I thought you might want to introduce a hashtag

or something so people can check it out. Hmm. Oh, yeah. Let's see. Yeah. So cats in Amazon Prime boxes.

Yeah. Prime pussy. Oh, boy. I mean, I think if you're searching Prime pussy, you're going to get a variety of things. Announcements from the office of the president.

Yeah. You know what? How about this? Let's combine cats and Amazon's terrific streaming content. Hashtag the cat in the high castle. I thought you were just going to say, like, Cat Bosch. Let's go Cat Bosch. Okay, great.

So, hashtag Cat Bosch, Bosch spelled B-O-S-C-H, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. You'll check that out. I also saw someone with a small toddler and a baby in Amazon boxes. It's pretty good. She was claiming were hairless cats. I'm not so sure. Yeah.

By the way, unable to start the meme is a euphemism for something. Just so you know. Don't go saying it like everywhere. As I've gotten older, I've had a much more difficult time starting the meme. It used to come so easily. Back in the days of keyboard cat and – Dan, you were telling me before we started that – No.

No, I was. You were. You were. I was. Don't pretend like you weren't telling me. You were telling me. I was. You're a New Yorker.

You're visiting LA to do some show business business. Mm-hmm. I hope I haven't said too much. No, you haven't. Although I do want to acknowledge this weird sense of... You're guesting on Sabado Gigante. This is weird. I do want to mention this

weird paranoia that I just realized I have, which is this, which is like, oh, I get to drop by and see my friends. It's so awesome. The show is so cool. And then I realize there's going to be a microphone and the stuff I say is going to get recorded. And then I get like freaked out. For posterity too.

And I'm like just don't say anything. These all go in the Smithsonian after we record them. Yeah. I'm like just be really quiet, which works for the first part when you have two men spooning you talking about masturbation. And you're just quiet and you just sit there quietly enjoying this. Those are what's called spoonerisms. But, yes, I'm in town. You had to decide.

You had a choice to make when you were deciding where to lodge for the trip. Yes. Okay. So, yeah. When you said he had a choice to make, I immediately assumed that he had chosen Sabado Higante over El Gordo de la Flaca. Sure. Oh, did you see an El Diario that – no, I don't read it. Something about Tutti Frutti Higante perhaps?

Yes. Anyway, yes, I was telling you that – So what morning radio show are you doing? El Cucuy or Radio Laser? Radio. El Piolín, my friend. These are billboards I've seen. I was telling Jordan. So I think what I was telling you, this is what I was telling you. Radio. LPLing, my friend. These are billboards I've seen. I was telling Jordan.

So I think what I was telling you, this is what I was telling you. Yes. Was that, yeah, so long story short, I always have a completely neurotic conflict when I'm in Los Angeles. There are several ways. There are three ways really for me to be here. One, if I'm on a studio's dime, which is like ridiculously accommodating, very nice, very accommodating. And then when there's – So when you say a studio, Sears Portrait Studio.

Yeah, like – well, there's a Mervin's – like a family sitting – Mervin's family sitting studio. Right. And when they bring me in to consult on a sitting, I'm generally put up. How do we get this baby to look up? We need someone to get this baby to look up for this Christmas card. And the secret that I never like to say is a moment of reflection. You always have to take a pause for a moment of reflection. That's right.

I mean, if they could figure this stuff out so easily, how would I make a living? At the end of the day, he's just a storyteller. I really am. Sure. It's like, listen, the cavemen did it. They drew on walls. It's an urge we have. Ask that baby.

Call it a divine spark. I don't know. What lesson did you learn from this? That's when I – okay. So anyway, I'm going to get in so much trouble here. All right. I'm trying to figure out how – So sometimes a studio.

So sometimes – Sony Pictures. And then sometimes I'm on my own dime because I'm nearby and I go, oh, I'm going to swing through Los Angeles and say hi to so-and-so and blah, blah, blah and drop by and see Jordan and Jesse and blah, blah, blah. And then I go, OK, I'm on my own dime. Airbnb it, right? Right. Which is great until this last – It can be.

It is often – I think something you can say about the service that Airbnb provides, it's often a great service. Yeah. It is – I mean there is – Often. And it's always a surprise. Yeah. There's always something surprising that you could not have gleaned from the posting. I'd characterize the reviews as unhelpful.

Sure. Yeah. So I'm at this place and the two guys that own the main house, there's a little house up on the side of the hill and then there's the main house further down. And they're really cool guys, whatever. I mean just in terms of like, hey, how's it going? Oh, good. Oh, that seemed like a cool guy. No freak outs.

Yeah, exactly. And like no like weird like Civil War era costume. I mean no like red flags. The basic stuff. The basic thing. Is going right. Yeah, that you scan for socially in parts is all there. And then one of them goes, shoots me a little Airbnb text and goes, you know, why don't you join us for dinner like one of the nights you're here?

And I was just like, holy shit, this is the weirdest thing ever. Meanwhile, never mind that like I travel like how many miles a year, hang out with wonderful people that I did not know the night before the show and all of that stuff. I have a million pounds of evidence to the contrary of my anxiety. But I'm just thinking like this is the weirdest thing. I call my girlfriend. I'm like, what does that mean? She goes, what do you mean? They just what?

I don't know. That's what people do, Dan. People like hang out and stuff. And I was like, oh, man. Oh, God. This is just so – I don't know what to do. And then I think there's a class of Airbnb hosts who has this dream of being like the old owner of the bed and breakfast. Comes in and hears your tale and makes a connection and shows you all their favorite places. I would add a category which is people who couldn't cut it at a real estate seminar. Sure. Yeah.

Like those people. There's a certain kind of like sub-IKEA furniture buying slumlord of Airbnb. Sure. It's very strange. Yeah. I was in Austin once and I had an Airbnb. And the fella who rented me the house said kind of the deal was my girlfriend and I are going to be on a yoga retreat. So I'm not going to be in the house.

Why did you even move forward once you knew that? They sounded totes chill, 420 friendly. Hammock in the fucking backyard. If I could get in some hammock time, that is an immediate selling point for me. Did you let them know you're a no drama mama? I should have. I should just say that in the profile. I want it to come up organically.

Oh, I see. You know, it's like, but I think it's like shaved. Did you mention shaved? Yeah, I should say shaved. You know, it's like saying you have kids on a dating profile. You got to say you're a no drama mama. 420 friendly. 420 friendly.

It is hard, though, because if they're not going to be there, it doesn't really matter if they're down to clown. Sure. No, it does. Jesse, you can't. That's just a bad situation all the way around. You don't know if they're going to come back. You don't know what kind of weird spiritual shit is hidden around the area. You don't know.

So this guy, so this was like a three-day trip. And a day into the trip, this dude comes back. And he's like, yeah, you know, I decided to leave the yoga retreat, which is like – There you go. What did I tell you? This guy had a fight or something. And I'm like a little annoyed that he was there when he said he wasn't going to be. But he was just the fucking nicest dude, like called me weary traveler. Whenever I came back, he's like, oh, welcome back, weary traveler.

And he had a he had a giant golden retriever with a bandana oh of course that busted open my door at night and got in bed with me and and there's this part of me that's like fuck that like fuck this like this guy it's fucking it's weird this guy told me something was gonna happen and didn't he didn't warn me he's got this dog that is now in my bed. I'm like, there's a fucking dog in my bed. This is great. So once that, fuck this, once I looked at it through another lens, I'm like, you know what?

This is kind of great. Dude was nice. You'll have to pick your jaws up off the floor he brewed his own beer yeah gave me a couple of fucking homemade no that's not adding frosty somebody had to bring that to austin i know when when he's the only guy so if you uh are in austin can't find any craft beer let me know i got a guy but i'll tell you the thing you did that sounds like you were right on the right course is that you didn't try, you didn't protest, you didn't try to get away because you cannot fucking win with spiritual people.

Sure. That's why I like religious people, not spiritual people. With religious people, there's rules. Sure, yeah. Just got to honor their code. It's like Italian gangsters in the movies. So I think- Direct, direct.

Oh, you know what it's like? John Wick from the movie John Wick. Yeah. It's a real- He's got a code. It's a real assassin's guild. You can't kill anybody when you're in their hotel. As long as you got a code.

You don't have to have characterization. We've learned anything from John Wick. Yes, exactly. It could just be scowling and shooting. God, I went to John Wick 2 yesterday. I love John Wick 2. It was great. John Wick 2 was awesome.

It was fucking great. Peter Serafinowicz sells him those guns. He sure does. There's Peter Serafinowicz right there. Selling him guns. That's my Twitter friend. Lawrence Fishburne had some pigeons. God, was Lawrence Fishburne amazing. It was so great. Lawrence Fishburne came in and I'm like, oh, what's Lawrence Fishburne had some pigeons. God, was Lawrence Fishburne amazing.

It was so great. Lawrence Fishburne came in and I'm like, oh, what's Lawrence Fishburne going to do? Oh, be awesome. Turns out he fucking earned an Oscar as far as I'm concerned. Jesus Christ, was he magical. Here's the thing. And, you know, spoilers for John Wick 2. Yeah.

You know, I think we got John Wick 3 coming. Mm-hmm. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. If those studios that are flying Dan Kennedy around. I'm going to be the fifth writer in on John Wick 3. Can you write six lines for us? Because that's how long this screenplay is.

Where should he punch this guy? In the neck or in the dick? In the neck or in the dick? I sure hope that in this theoretical John Wick 3, that God willing will come, that Lawrence Fishburne whoops more ass. He didn't whoop a lot of ass. I mean, he was great. He's a husky older man. Sure.

But, you know, Keanu got in shape. Keanu's an older dude who has been in bad shape, if paparazzi photos I've seen are any indication. If fucking Keanu can get jacked for Wick, Fishburne can get jacked for Wick. Come on, Cowboy Curtis. Let's do this. Yeah. Anyway, so I would either like for him to team up with John Wick or to be the main antagonist. I think that seems like it's been promised, right? I should hope so. Don't you feel like John Wick 2 promised be the main antagonist? I think that seems like it's been promised, right? I should hope so.

Don't you feel like John Wick 2 promised that Lawrence Fishburne's- Well, remember when we got that Hulk movie that said Tim Blake Nelson was going to be the leader, but then he wasn't? Yeah. Anyway. I'm still mad about it. That's a good point. Anyway.

You know what? I'm going to be very, very frank with you. Please. When the action in John Wick 2— I like that you say that and then sort of stammer. I'm going to be very forward with you. When the action in John Wick 2 transferred—and I'm not going to reveal any spoilers—but transferred to Lawrence Fishburne's hands holding a pigeon that he was caring for on an urban rooftop, I thought, oh, well, this has gone from kind of a ripoff of Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai,

to totally a ripoff of Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai. Almost acknowledging it. However, and Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai, one of my favorites. I love that movie I saw that movie at like 10 in the morning at the Angelica like the second day that I quit doing Drugs and Dreams I was just like this is so

amazing it is and I have to say within 120 seconds Lawrence Fishburne had completely converted me to the point where I might have thought that he was better than Ghost Dog.

I don't even know. That's how much I loved him. Anyway, we're pretty far afield here. Sure. Talking about how much I love John Wick 2. I also don't get to go out very much. I went by myself at 11.30 in the morning. I think that helps any John Wick movie.

Is it not being the only fun thing you've done recently? Yeah. Being a parent is very rewarding. I imagine. A lot of spiritual rewards. Yeah. Excuse me, religious rewards. I don't like spiritual people.

I only like religious people. Moist, the word moist. I hope my funeral is fun. I love ducks. I love docs. I love docs. Oh, I'm a doc junkie. Fun. Is that sort of a tired refrain of the spiritual?

I hope my funeral's fun. It seems like it would be. I guess a thing that has been for some weird reason griping on me more than it has, it usually does. This is a thing that annoys me, but just like someone saying something that you've heard a million times, like they're blowing your mind. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, for some, I don't know, those things are echoing in my head in a weird way. I can really understand. If I socialized at all, I think I would probably feel the same way. I mean, I definitely feel that way about things in film and television that take the form of a joke but are not actually a joke, such as the scripts of the Gilmore Girls. Like that, I understand that unreasonable, like I understand that it's unreasonable.

I can look at the Gilmore Girls and think this is a fun show starring some brilliant actors and actresses that I should just enjoy. But I can't for that reason. Just as I'm sure you can talk to someone and think their passion for yoga is perfectly reasonable. It can really improve someone's quality of life. Absolutely. Do you do some yoga sometimes yourself? Sure. As do I.

Got a fob on my key chain. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Sure. As do I. Got a fob on my keychain. Yeah, nothing wrong with that, okay? But I understand how you could have a disproportionate reaction to something that is only somewhat unreasonable. Sure. Anyway, Dan, so, your Airbnb

hosts. I just want to say with a record that I knew, like, by the second beat, something was going to, they were going to come back, or something weird was going to happen. I really thought it was going to be a person that was going to be next to you in bed in the middle of the night. But Dan, you may be too invested in the narrative structure. This is called moth disease. This is just stuff we're saying. By the way, I want to be clear right now. We are permitting Dan to have notes. notes dan if you'd like to have notes okay good

i mean i like everything i'm hearing i would just i just feel like we should set a call and talk about like how realistic is is it like a little too on the nose that the dog came back and yeah we should we should have had a call uh-huh uh so dan by the way there might be a version that's just like what you pitched. So your hosts, they invite you to dinner. Now, are they buds, roommates, a couple, a married couple? Do you have any idea what their relationship is? They're a couple and really they're living the dream. And really they're living the dream.

You know, like they had a great place abroad and they've got that and they're selling that. And that's kind of like financing the dream here. And they're definitely of that sporting nature of like, it'll be great because we'll meet so many people and stuff like that. Which, by the way, those are defined as wonderful people. You know, when I sort of like summarize folks like that. wonderful people, you know, when I, when I sort of like summarize books like that. But anyway, I was calling everybody, I was calling my friends for like three days before going, what do you think is going to happen? Like, is this weird? Is this a strange? And everyone's going, you're such a sad little man, you know, but I'm like, no, really. And, uh, and of course, and I went, I went, I went and, uh, and just like every single time, if, if you're a member of the little mental club that I'm a member of, it turned out to be the most charming evening ever.

Now, are you eating with them? I did not want it to end. I did not want it to end. I was like – then like my friends – You literally asked them if they were interested in upgrading to a thruple. I was like. I was. I was like, have you thought about what's going to happen if either one of you die? Yeah, you would still want someone to take care.

Yeah. It was the most charming evening. They were like, oh, we're also inviting – you know, we're inviting this woman from down the street who is from Paris and she's here on a project. And we're going to invite our neighbors who are friends with this guy who used to write for Hitchcock and blah, blah, blah. And then it just all unfolded in this beautiful sort of evening that I can't believe, you know, wasn't starring like Jason Schwartzman and whomever else. Jason Schwartzman would totally be in the movie. I would love to host evenings like that.

My dog is a biter, so I simply cannot socialize. I think that would be great if the invitation said that. Will you join us for dinner? Don't try to pet the dog. The dog will bite. The dog will bite.

What can you tell us about the menu, Dan? My father is a temperamental racist. We're there. Could you overlook some of that during the meal totally oh totally were there horse to ubers available um for the meal yes there was an amazing uh selection of cheeses and i and this to me really speaks volumes like that is luxury to me because i'm one of those people that no matter how well I'm doing, one cheese will suffice. You know, like you could just go like – you could be like just the pinnacle of my life in terms of abundance and I would be like, just choose one.

You know, we're going to have cheese. You don't need five different cheeses for crying out loud. I feel like a king when I eat an aged Gouda. I get that like 300-day Gouda. It usually says how many days. 300? Maybe like a 1,000-day Gouda or a 500-day Gouda. I don't know how many days.

But it looks like an old shoe, sort of. Like a dress shoe that you found, you dug up. Oh, nice. And washed off. That does sound appetizing. The umami on this cheese. That's the fifth taste.

Jordan, did you know that umami... Yes, umami's the fifth taste. Yes, and you fucking figured that out when you went to the burger place. Jordan, did you know that? Yes. The Amami is the fifth taste. Yes. And you fucking figured that out when you went to the burger place. You didn't know that before. By the way. You just, the burger thing. Speaking of I hope my funeral is fun, that is the thing.

That goddamn flavor and the way people talk about it. And the way it's like announced with a sense of discovery for the thousandth time in a row. And by the way, I put off for two years going to the Amami Burger place and I finally went here in Los Angeles. I was like, let's discover the fifth taste. Let's have the culinary Rosetta Stone that's going to italics blow my mind. And it's not italics, Dan. It's blow, period. Oh, yeah. Capital your, period. Mine, period.

I'm pretty sure it's blow, applause emoji. Your, applause emoji. Mine. Do you? Mine, nails done emoji. Yes. Here, here's. I can't. What is, what's the nails done emoji?

Which one? What is that? When someone does the, you know, the like, ooh, look at your nails. I don't know. I feel like it's just this general punctuation. I can't figure it. Like, what does it mean? Right.

Yeah. Like, I understand this. I get this now. It's like you're done and you're chill. You don't give a fuck. Okay. It's DG AF. It's like, I'm just going to do my nails.

I'm just going to do my nails. I'm just going to, okay. I was like, yeah, I'm just doing what you're doing. And one of these eggplants fellas came sending me. Do they want to go for Japanese food? By the way, every single clapping hands tweet I read like this. Somebody has to go to the. They're kind of offbeat.

I don't even know how you're supposed to. Like, Jordan, you just did it beautifully. Is that how they're supposed to be read? Like the new Christy Minstrels doing my Sharona? Yeah, I mean, I think you just kind of have to figure out what your beat of that is. This thread is everything. This is not normal. All right. Jordan, stop normalizing.

Sorry! Getting upset about people having revelations. Well, but in fairness, I think Jordan should be allowed to be upset about a few things. And the Omami thing is the deal because we got a little sidetracked on Blow Your Mind. Yeah. Blow. You're so fine, you blew my mind i went to twitter i went to umami burger and i uh had it and guess what the uh it tastes like it tastes like a fucking hamburger

it's a hamburger flavor it's simply hamburger flavor well hamburger is an umami-rich meat. Like, what's the fifth sense in terms of, like, it's burger? Yeah. It's burger flavor. Meat and ketchup. Dried tomatoes, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I tried tomatoes to a lot of things. I was like, ooh, is this umami burger?

I will say that I, when umami first started popping up, big fan, I think that the quality has declined since it chained. I haven't eaten at it in a while. I think it really has gone down a lot. I had some B minus C minus umamis, and I'm like, you know what? I'm done. Really? I got lots of burgers at my disposal. You're a burger expert.

Thanks for the good times, umami. By the way. We've had some fun. That's the name of the movie about the charming dinner up in the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. Thanks for the good times, umami. Thanks for the good times. Yeah. With Jason Schwartzman. With've had some fun. That's the name of the movie about the charming dinner up in the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. Thanks for the good times, you mommy. Thanks for the good times. Yeah.

With Jason Schwartzman. With Jason Schwartzman. Good onion rings. Those onion rings are great. They are really nice onions. Very good onion rings. Well, we've concluded the portion of the show where we talk about local Los Angeles restaurants. I think there's some in Nevada.

Let's move on to Grove Talk. I just want them to leave the Christmas shit up all year round. I think there's one in New York now, right? One of what? There's an Umami Burger in New York now. Oh, yeah. There's one on 6th. Yeah. On 6th.

Great Street. I've walked by it like a thousand times. I prefer Broadway. Do you really? Yeah. Well, when it comes to streets in New York. Do you? I prefer Broadway. Do you really?

Yeah. Well, when it comes to streets in New York. Do you? If I was going to rank my favorite streets in New York, number one, of course, would be what I call the Great White Way. Very familiar with it. Yeah. Broadway. Really?

A lot of theater there, which I love. I love the energy of live theater, Jordan. I love it. It crackles. Yeah, right. God. You know what I've gotten so into lately? Live theater.

Hamilton the musical. This is a revelation that I need to share with you guys. Please, I haven't heard of it. It is very good. It's really excellent. I want to see it. Can I tell you something that happens on Twitter? Yeah.

I do not know Lin-Manuel Miranda well, but I have met Lin-Manuel Miranda. He's been a MaxFun supporter for a long time. I'm very grateful to him. And I did see Hamilton and thought it was great. Once in a while, I will tweet something with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Or Lin-Manuel Miranda will tag a joke I made or something like that. Just once in a great while. There is nothing more humiliating.

There's no more powerful lesson about how measly your show business powers are. Then when you write a joke, Lin-Manuel Miranda adds a friendly tag to it, and then that friendly tag gets 2,400 likes on Twitter. You're like, how did these people even find this? These people don't even see it automatically. They don't follow me. It's sad that you can't be grateful that everyone identified with it. But –

Yeah. Oh, it's undoubtedly sad. This is a sad story, Dan. You're a storyteller. You should understand that. Dan, I am curious as to what the rest of the menu was at this meal. Hang on. Let me put my rain stick in the corner and tell you a tale.

The menu was amazing. It was this – So there were several cheeses.. The menu was amazing. So there were several cheeses. You thought it was excessive. What were the dates wrapped in, Dan? Were you at the – no, there weren't any wrap dates. There were – it was chicken. Chicken with – I don't know.

It was some kind of – look, where I'm from, you just make chicken with a little salt and pepper and you go like, that's pretty good chicken. Ooh, pepper. Exactly. Ooh la la. Right. Ooh. But these were fancy people and they were like – you can always tell very fancy people because they make their dishes with stuff that doesn't go together. You know what I mean? It's not tomatoes and garlic.

Yeah. Like if I did it, I'd be like, how the fuck did I? It's tomatoes and pomegranates and you're saying, what? Sure. And you eat the chicken. This has balsamic vinegar and nine paperclips. Yeah. And it's great.

And it's great. And then it sort of transfers over to their life. Like all of their big successes are like happy things that I would I'd be terrified to do. You know what I mean? Like I would be terrified just in terms of chicken. I'd be terrified to go like I would go like, how the fuck did a peach get in the chicken? Like how did a pomegranate? Like, dude, now we got to dump it out, dude. And the I'm going to go ahead and say to you something from my heart. I find that anyone's success of any kind comes from them doing something I'm too scared to do. There is nothing that I'm not too scared to do. But this is not – No risk too small. Here is what amazes me about you is you say that, but you have to understand from afar that you look like this really confident. As a matter of fact, as I was parking downstairs, I remember you had some kind of thing where you bet people.

It was like a pledge drive thing where you would swim in the lake in MacArthur Park. Yeah. Did you? I sure did. Yeah, I did that. But then you're also – I'm just going to let you know there was a certain point in my life where a friend took me aside and said, you really need to retire this. I'm a loser who's afraid of things. And I was like, what are you talking about? I am a loser who's afraid of things. He's like, it's not it's not playing anymore, dude. You're kind of doing this and you're doing that and you're doing this. And I was like, OK, I'll put it on a shelf. doing this and you're doing that and you're doing this. And I was like, okay, I'll put it on a shelf.

I feel that way about you too. Whereas you go, no risk too small. I'm a terrified man. If someone's successful, it's because they're not as fear-based as me. Yet you're like, hey, pony up some dough. Max fun people because I'll go swimming in that lake right now. This is the perfect opportunity for me to announce the Blue Ribbon Commission. Oh, boy. That will be selecting the person who I give $1,000 to for wearing the biggest hat.

Perfect opportunity here. Of course, you're going to need a hat expert. Any Blue Ribbon Commission has a hat expert. I've recruited Cody Willima from Willima Hat Company in Altadena, California. Cody is a man who not only knows his way around a hat, he knows his way around hat making equipment because he literally makes hats. He personally makes custom hats for show business celebrities, hat enthusiasts, and folks who just walk in off the street. That's Cody Willima from the Willima Hat Company in Altadena, California. Now, I know what you're saying, Jordan.

This commission, like any great commission, needs a bestselling author. Well, I looked at Dan Kennedy's record and it was mixed, frankly. I needed a real home run hitter. I've enjoyed Dan Kennedy's novel, American Spirit, by the way. It's wonderful. I enjoyed it, too. It's terrific. We both read it and we both loved it.

Get out there. Get a copy. You'll love it, too. American Spirit. It's a great novel. It's about a guy who- It's about a sad guy who drives in a car and makes some mugs. It's great.

Which is why I was like, I should really drop by and say hi to Jesse and Jordan because I think the last time I came through town, I was like – I felt like if you wrote a book that emo, you had to be emo in all your interviews. And like every interview I did for that book, it was just like, wow, this guy is a fucking barrel of monkeys. I thought he was supposed to be funny. There's plenty of funny in that book. There's a lot of laughs in the book. I thought there was a lot of laughs in it. Okay. So anyway, are you saying that Michael Silverblatt didn't ask you what you thought, what you said when you talked about jerking off?

All I'm saying is I got a distinct feeling this is how people talk about your novel right before they tell you you're not on the hat judging committee. Well, on the hat judging committee, perhaps the world's best-selling author other other than of course our lord sure big up to jc yeah um i love religious people i want to talk about a special author the best-selling author the author who wrote a very special book the author most recently of big magic and of course of Eat, Pray, Love and other best-selling books. She's friends with Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert is on the Blue Ribbon Commission. Thank you very much. Now I know what you're saying. Jesse, this is great. You've got a writer. You've got a hatter. You're going to need a funny man. Sure. Who's the funniest person in the world? Well, there's only one answer to that question.

His hit show on Comedy Central, Review with Forrest McNeil, returning for its third and final season in less than a month. Not looking at the date right here, but I'm going to go ahead and say less than a month. It's in the zone. Set those DVRs. right here, but I'm going to go ahead and say less than a month. It's in the zone. Set those DVRs. You know him as the creator of Mustache TV, the must-have

party game of the early first decade of the 2000s, the early aughts, Mr. Andrew Daly. Wow. Andy Daly. Jordan, Dan, you're saying to me we need a glamorous actress.

Okay, she can be funny, but we need an element of glamour that, frankly, the hilarious Andrew Daly is unable to provide. Without being unkind to Andrew Daly. No, it's not about being unkind. You're talking about hat judging. You need glamour. What about the star of Netflix's Love, Gillian Jacobs? Oh, boy. What a treat.

Gillian Jacobs. She's a beauty, she's a brain, and she's got more than a little bit of Hollywood glamour. Mm-hmm. Okay? Now, again, I hear resoundingly you guys saying this to me. We need a Marxist rapper. I mean, if you're judging hats. I mean, that's what it's about, right?

Now, anybody who listens to WTF, the Marc Maron podcast, our friend Marc Maron's podcast, knows that our friend Lin-Manuel Miranda's high school bully was the rapper Immortal Technique. So he was out. I'm not messing with Immortal Technique because he is the enemy. The enemy of my friend is my enemy. Right. Okay. Somebody's never seen Alien vs. Predator. All I've seen is John Wick 2.

The only movie I've seen in a year. I was so grateful. Just to remind you, you've got a nation on the edge of their seats right now. So I crossed Immortal Technique right off the list of candidates for the Blue Ribbon Commission. Sure. And of course, will the blue ribbon commission have our moms? Yes. That's already been decided.

But we needed a Marxist rapper. So I sent an email to the greatest Marxist rapper that I know, Boots Riley of The Coup. He said, of course, Jesse. That sounds fun. So there's your blue ribbon commission, folks. Doesn't get any better than that. Wow. Sounds like- Glamour, hats, best-selling Marxist. So there's your blue ribbon commission, folks. Doesn't get any better than that.

Glamour, hats, best-selling, Marxist, the whole nine yards. Sounds like a real Dan Kennedy dinner party, if you ask me, a real Algonquin roundtable. Exactly. So I hope that everyone is sharing their hats with hashtag JJGoBigHat. JJ Go Big Hat. I would like to nod to the person I think is so far the early leader, Pamela Council, Jordan Jesse Go listener. Pamela not only posted a picture of herself in a truly astonishing, almost architectural hat. She said she would like to use her $1,000 scholarship for lifelong learning to sign up for classes in hat making. Oh, wow. Oh, so she's giving back. That's appropriate.

It's a perfect circle. Exactly. Yep. In fact, she is, I don't know if you knew this, she plays bass in the band A Perfect Circle. I feel like everything's coming together beautifully. And she's half protractor. I also want to say a hat. On her father's side.

A hat is a circle. Yeah, that's a really good point. Time is a hat circle. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. My name is Patrick. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, globe and they're some of my favorite people in the world. I truly cannot believe the amount of wonderful and lasting friendships that have come out of this. If you feel like you might not fit in, as long as you're a good person, you'll fit in because everyone there is good and amazing and kind and wonderful and you should absolutely go. It will be the best decision of your life. Make a ton of new friends like Parker and Patrick at MaxFunCon.

Tickets for MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jordan? Yeah. It takes a lot more than just the sweat of our brows to bring you this program. We also need the support of folks like our listeners at home.

Yeah. And our friends at, for example, Warby Parker. You mean the boutique quality eyewear at a revolutionary price point? Yeah. That's exactly who I'm talking about, Jordan. These are the glasses that start at $95 including prescription lenses? An astonishing value. Boy, I've heard that every pair you buy, a pair is distributed to someone in need.

So they're also a philanthropic organization. Frankly, at this point, you know about Warby Parker. If you make a different choice, it sickens me. Listen, if you don't want to gross this out, go over to warbyparker.com slash JJGO. You place your home try-on order. You make sure to download the Warby Parker app from the iTunes App Store. And hey, you get some free shipping. There's no obligation to buy.

You can order, the home try-on, you can order five pairs of eyeglasses. They ship them to you. You try them on. You can wear two at once if you want to. Then they give you a return address label. Just throw them in the box. Throw them at your local United Parcel Service worker. It's completely risk-free.

Visit warbyparker.com slash JJGO and begin that home try-on experience. We also are supported this week by our friends at Mack Weldon. Mack, of course, short for Mackenzie Weldon. Jesse. What did you say? Do you know? I don't know about that. Okay.

But I do know what is covering my bottom and penis right now is a pair of Mack Weldon underwear, and I love them. I just checked. Look at me, too. Check you out. We're both wearing Mack Weldons. M-Dubs. These are really, really great underwear.

I genuinely look forward to wearing them. Unfortunately, all of my underwear is not Mack Weldon, but when my Mack Weldon pair comes up in the rotation, I'm like, oh boy, I can't wait to put on my Mack Weldon underwear. What do you like? You like that high-end line? You like the standard boxer brief? Or do you like, as I do, that fly mesh? I don't have the fly mesh yet. I should try it.

I like it because it's refreshing in my area. Boy, here's what you do. If you want to be refreshed in your area like we are, you go to MackWeldon.com. Use the promo code JJGO. You get 20% off underwear,

undershirts, sweat things, polos. No-show socks? They make very nice no-show socks. I don't have any no-shows from Mack Weldon. I don't have any no-shows from Mack Weldon. You don't have any no-shows from Mack Weldon? I got to get some. Get on that. MackWeldon.com. Promo code JJGO.

20% off. We love them. We think you'll love them. They got nice kid socks, by the way. Hey, there you go. I got a bunch of their kid socks for my kids. They're wonderful. I shouldn't have kid socks around the house.

That'll creep people out. But for those with kids. I don't know. What does Bug wear? What brand of socks does Bug wear? God gave her little socks on her feet. Oh, God. So.

MackWeldon.com and use the code JJGO for 20% off. And go to WarbyParker.com slash JJGO for your free try on. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. Hey, it's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Kennedy, apologetic. That's a fair description.

Sure. It's accurate. DK all day. Dan Kennedy's in the house, folks. An accurate nickname for an accurate man. What am I so pumped about? Hard to say. Yeah. Are you giving away tickets to Super Trip?

Are we going to drive the Morning Zoo Prize Patrol van? Give our friend Jimmy Pardo a call. 591-ROCK-591-ROLL. We're going to be in the parking lot of Jiffy Lube all day handing out thermoses. Another popular euphemism. Handing out thermoses in the Jiffy Lube parking lot.

I'll be right back. I've got to hand out a thermos. Does that just mean putting stuff in your butt? It could mean whatever. Right? Everybody's got a thermos. Does that just mean putting stuff in your butt? It could mean whatever. Right? Everybody's got a different technique. Handing out thermoses in the Jiffy Lube parking lot. Make the orgasm more intense.

One would hope. Yeah. Fingers crossed. The male thermos is very sensitive. A lot of nerve endings in the male thermos. Okay. Jordan, Jesse, go. You're home for vulgar and nonsensical metaphors.

Where, where? Dan, you write books. What's the name of that guy that wrote the Jabberwocky? E.L. Carroll. Lewis Carroll. Lewis Carroll. We're where Lewis Carroll meets Howard Stern. Early Howard Stern. Now, you know, I think, and Jordan, hold on to your socks. I think that Howard Stern does really amazing interviews. I've really been getting into his interviews.

Yeah, I've never heard that. I've never heard that. I've never heard that from anybody. He's a really amazing interviewer. Yeah. I thought he was a shock. Have you seen Blackfish? I thought he was just a shock jock, but apparently there's a lot of substance there. When something momentous happens to you, like you figure out that Howard Stern is a good

interviewer, we ask you to give us a call at 206-9844-FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Here's our first momentous occasion coming along the road right now. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and I don't know, Chris Fairbanks? I guess. It's Andrew calling from Toronto. And I just saw a full-sized Doberman walking down the street wearing a cardigan with a tied-up plastic bag in his mouth that was full of goods, and he stopped at a crosswalk, waited for the light to change,

and then proceeded to cross the street in a correct manner. And there were no people around. This dog had no owners. So, I don't know, maybe like an animorph that got stuck in human or animal form. It was great. Anyway. I was so against this until I found out there was no person. Some sort of postmates dog, it sounds like.

The dog is delivering takeout to a high person. Wait, what kind of sweater was it? A cardigan sweater. A cardigan? Yeah. How did it do the buttons? That's not the weird thing about it. How did it do the buttons?

No, it's one of the weird things about it. There's a lot of weird things. I want to know. What is a bag full of goods? Okay, it may be that I've just been reading The Oxcart Man too frequently with my children, but I'm going to say maple syrup. Possibly some hard candies. Maybe there's a stranded man somewhere.

A side of bacon. These are goods. These are all in the goods category. Why does that dog- Some calico for Ma. Oh, yeah. Or the goods category. Why does that dog – Some calico for Ma. Oh, yeah. Or for Dan Kennedy. Why?

The shirt that he's wearing right now. Calico print. That's a calico. This is? I believe it is. This is flowers, Jesse. Yeah, I know. But a calico could have flowers.

It could? Yeah. Let's get back to the point here. The point is why was the dog dressed that way? Why did he dress that way? No, that is not – I guess it was a little bit chilly out, but it might warm up, so he wants something he can kind of put on.

He wants to look put together, but he doesn't want to look stuffy. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. It's a fun solution. You can dress it up, dress it down. I just feel like in Toronto, if he's wearing a cardigan, do you know what I mean? It's like, it's right now in Toronto. He's probably Drake.

Oh, he might be Drake. If you're in Toronto and you're wearing a cardigan, dollars to donuts, you're Drake. Probably Drake. That was Drake. He did not mention that this was courtside at the Toronto Raptors game. Or alone at home feeling sorry for himself. The two states of Drake. So really the call was, hey, I'm in Toronto.

Drake just morphed. Yeah. That would have been a more succinct way to put it. That's why you have the storytelling. I appreciated the storytelling. You sure must have kissed the Blarney stone. It didn't. Or you have the gift of gab.

Yeah, that could have been a two-minute call. Hi, I'm in Toronto. Drake just morphed. That's like 15 seconds. Yep. Hey, you guys, Drake morphed, I'm in Toronto. Drake just morphed. I got to go. That's like 15 seconds. Yep. Hey, guys. Drake morphed. I'm in Toronto later.

Yeah. Would have given him a chance to say tuppy for life or something. Sure. Okay. Let's take our next. Did you hear Brian go? Oh. Yeah.

That's the new sign-off, everybody. Ditto heads. Mega tuppies. That's something you could say. Hi, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I was just sitting in an airport waiting for a flight and for about 45 minutes, I was listening to the woman across from me, who was maybe in her 50s, talking to her daughter on the phone. And her daughter sounded like maybe she was doing Teach for America, something like that, and was having a really rough time. And so the mom, for 45 minutes, was trying her best to cheer her daughter up, fuck her up, make her feel better, and nothing was quite working.

But the mom was really giving it all she got she was sweet to listen to and then just as she was about to hang up the phone the mom was clearly feeling feeling like she hadn't been able to sort of fix what her was bothering her daughter so she dug deep in her bag of tricks and said, Honey, before I go, let me just share with you a quote from my favorite movie, Back in the Habit 2. And unfortunately, just then they announced the flight, and I never got to hear what the pearls of wisdom were,

but I thought it came from Back in the Habit. It probably worked out okay. Thanks. I have a question. Do you think that this mom calls the movie Sister Act Back in the Habit 1? Well, I guess she just refers to movies by their subtitles. So she calls the second Ninja Turtles movie The Secret of the Ooze 2. Right. But what about the first Ninja Turtles movie?

Is that called The Secret of the Ooze 1? The Prelude to the Secret of the Ooze. Got it. Well, no, that's what Brahms' The Secret of the Ooze is called. Right. Secret of the Ooze, The Prelude. I feel like that was a – I kind of feel like we were all waiting for that flight. Yeah.

A little bit. That's a really good point. A little bit. Like I feel like right now we should all waiting for that flight. Yeah. That's a really good point. A little bit. Like I feel like right now we should be getting on the plane. Yeah. I don't feel like I need a priest to tell me what God would and wouldn't want me to do. I feel that in my heart. That's called having a soul.

We all have souls. Sure. Ghosts are real. Oh, boy. Okay. If you have something to share with us, call us at 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN.

206-984-4FUN. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez will listen to your call. So waste his time. We don't pay him that much. No. Yeah. Throw it away. He's a professional television writer. He doesn't need us.

Let's waste his time and make Elizabeth Hurley's life worse. She's the star of the show he works on. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Working really hard is probably an overstatement, but I don't know. We're trying to book people that you'll like, I guess. Whatever. The point is the MaxFunDrive is coming up. Tune in to catch crazy awesome episodes of all the other MaxFun podcasts and perhaps even slightly better than average episodes of this podcast. And show your support for Jordan Jessigo and all the other great programming that we do. We've got our highest goal ever, 10,000 new and upgrading MaximumFun.org donors and supporters.

That is an incredible goal. I think we're going to be able to do it. And it's because of you that we're able to do all these things that we do. The MaxFunDrive kicks off March 20th. That's March 20th. It's only two weeks long. It's the only time that we bother you about this stuff. Go to MaximumFun.org for details and don't miss it.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm sorry. You're condensing. You're just condensing. That's right. Drake just morphed.

Drake morphed. Drake morphed. I'm in Toronto. Siri, what is calico? Okay, we're going to find out once and for all. It's a plain woven textile made from unbleached and often not fully processed cotton. It may contain unseparated husk parts. What?

This is not what I believed calico to be. Two seconds ago I asked Jesse, I go, Jesse, what is calico? Can it be like any kind of thing? What am I thinking of? I don't know. Am I thinking of a chintz? I think you're thinking of ways to hurt me because you go, Dan, what it is, is it's a repeated pattern on a dress. I said it was a simple cotton printed with a small repeating calico.

Cotton fabric with a small all over floral print. But thank you very much. That's underneath terminology. What was that husk shit from earlier? Yeah, and then what was that dress shit where you were like, it's usually on dresses, Dan? There's two definitions of Calico. Because it is. It's in Little House in the Big Woods.

Little Shop in the Big Woods. That sounds fun. Little Shop of Horrors in the Big Woods. Yeah, well, paws out shooting a bear. That'd be fun. And he finds himself a man-eating plant. Look out. Just prior to this, somebody went, hey, do you guys want to get Jesse super fired up?

Ask him what calico is. And then challenge his definition. We're like, that's just stupid. That's not going to get him fired up. Oh, he'll freak out. He'll just, dude, ask him. Let the record show that I nailed it. Despite some doubters' doubts, doubters wearing dress fabric shirts, I might vote doubt.

Dan Kennedy. Dan Kennedy Of course you have the best selling novel American Spirit Which is a delight Both Jordan and I Don't laugh sadly when I describe it as a best selling novel You cashed those checks Checks done got cashed

Dan Kennedy's got that wonderful Got that wonderful novel He's got two Two books of memoir, right? Mm-hmm. Two books. One's called Rock On. One of those was best-selling.

Rock On. Was that the best-selling one? That was the best-selling one. What was the second one called? Didn't buy that. Loser Goes First. Loser Goes First. That was the first one.

They're both delightful. I've read both of them. They're funny. I was joking when I said I hadn't bought that one. Did forget what it was called. Did read it and enjoy it. Want to be absolutely clear. I'm nothing if not a straight shooter, Jordan. I know that about you.

Yeah. Dan Kennedy's got those books you should read. Probably one of these show business things is going to come out and happen. Stay tuned for that. Let's say on Starz. Let's go ahead and i'm gonna project that it

will appear on freeform oh well we'll see we've we've both former cast our lots the former abc family now known as freeform yeah that's where that's where i think dan kennedy's tales of the Time He Met Fat Joe, which was his pitch. Dan Kennedy once met Fat Joe. I am paralyzed. Sorry. That's okay. Yeah, I just found myself just staring at you guys laughing, which wasn't much of a contribution. But in my defense— That's all Brian's ever done.

That's right. In my defense, I sat quietly between the two of you while you talked about underwear. And earlier, I sat quietly between the two of you while you talked about masturbation. Are you good at Photoshop? Because it occurs to me now that Brian's also good at Photoshop. No, he's not. I'm not. No, I'm not.

You probably have Final Draft Pro on your computer, though, right? Oh. Yes. Yes. There we go. I would say that the first thing you should do is get yourself

a book of writing by Dan Kennedy. Yeah. I've read American Spirit. I've read Rock On. Yeah. Really liked them both. Yeah.

Really did. You missed Loser Goes First? I haven't read it yet. But you're looking forward to it. I'm not the Kennedy completist you are. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.

Can I tell you but also Can I tell you how much of a Kennedy completest I am? Started with John F. Went ahead to Robert. Once Robert kicked a bucket, kicked it over to the MTV VJ. Checked out some of her conservative hot talk radio rants and her fun game shows on the Game Show Network. Then I went ahead straight on in to danny k over here uh-huh uh then i did danny kennedy once i had watched all the danny k movies

and the jamie kennedy experience yep i was gonna say dan kennedy's a great follow on twitter i got really excited because jamie kennedy favorited one of my tweets, but he does not follow me. Sorry to hear that. He doesn't? No. I got excited. I was like, man, Jamie Kennedy, the creator of, what was that show called that you worked on? Living with Fran. Living with Fran.

There you go. Living with Fran. You worked on that, Jordan? That was my first showbiz job. I was a PA on that. That's awesome. Yeah. It shaped me.

It was his job to bring scripts to Fran Drescher's house. Oh, that's right. Of course. Bagels to her trailer and clothes to her dog. That was so lyrical. That is a really great first show business job. It is a great show. Clothes to Fran Drescher's dog. It's pretty solid. Fran Drescher's real

funny. She's terrific. Real beautiful. I had a lovely experience I wouldn't say working for her, working with her. I was a part of the team. Yeah. Yeah, she's terrific. Real beautiful. I had a lovely experience, I wouldn't say working for her, working with her. Yeah. I was a part of the team. Yeah. Yeah, she's terrific. Nothing but nice things to say about Fran Drescher.

Dan Kennedy. The voice is real. Read his books. Yeah. I wouldn't go out of your way to buy his shirts. It's a beautiful shirt, Dan. It's a nice shirt. It really looks nice on you.

You look great. I want to be clear that I really – He's got this, too, just so you know. Yeah. He's got a contrast inner cuff. He's got a contrast inner cuff. But I think it's a really lovely shirt, Dan. Thanks.

And I want to be clear that's why I've been talking about it because I think we established in the beginning I like the shirt. So now it's okay to have some fun with the shirt. But I don't want to step on your shirt because i do genuinely like you genuinely it's just you know i think one of the things i have to deal with is you know i walk into a room with a certain confidence and people look at me and go that's one of the more confident people on the spectrum i've ever seen. And then they're like, you know, let's take him down a couple because he's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, well, I mean, you've got that broad-shouldered elf

look. I feel like few people can match. I have like a mild hunch and staggered gait that makes folks kind of go like, we could take him down a couple notches. He looks off balance.

He's a little too confident. Well, it's been nice to have you on the show, Dan. It's been a lot of fun. I really, really had fun seeing you guys. And I look forward to just going to an airport and being lonely and trying not to cry. Hey, Dan, let me ask you this. Okay. How about one of your trademark stories? No notes allowed.

Yeah. Talk about the time you cried in Chili's 2. Oh, my God. Dan is a great storyteller. He is. Why? Because I'm jealous of his ability to do that. So you got to take him down.

Got to take him down a peg. You're taking me down. Such a funny, fun guy. So sad. This is like when Goebel was on The Tonight Show. You guys are like Dean Martin and Sammy and I'm Goebel. Goebel was on The Tonight Show? Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.?

And just torn apart. They really gave him the business, huh? Oh, God. Cleaned the floor with them. Well, I mean, Sammy D, of course, was one of the chosen people. But Dean was like... He was an anti-Semite. He was like, is that a calico?

Is that a calico print you got on, George? And George was like, I don't know. It's a calico. So it was almost exactly the same. It was precisely the same. It's remarkable that I haven't seen this because I reproduced many of the beats of this legendary television moment of the 1970s. Ten seconds ago, you were saying ghosts are real and now you don't get it. Yeah.

Well, that's just the way the cookie crumbles, Jordan. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Cookies are great. Jordan, I'm so sick of people telling me that cookies are great i know sorry like i'm the first guy to think of i'm like revelation it's been a long day for all

of us and i feel like we need to each kind of go crumble the cookie now yeah which is another euphemism for masturbating thanks for listening to jordan jesse go brian sunny brian sunny d Jordan, Jesse Go, Brian Sonny D, Brian Sonny D Fernandez on the boards this week. Hey, I really am. I get this question a lot. We really are giving $1,000 to someone who wears a giant hat. Put on a big hat. Put on a big hat.

Painting my nails. Put on a big hat. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Christy Minstrels. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez on the boards. Hashtag it JJGo. Big hat. And I want to mention one other thing.

My friend Izzy Smith from NPR. He's like NPR's bullseye guy. Wonderful dude. Has launched this initiative across a bunch of different podcast platforms called hashtag tripod, T R Y P O D. And the basic idea of it is that right now, 80% of Americans do not listen to podcasts. You probably get,

because they host one. You probably get a lot of enjoyment out of podcasts. I was trying to do an earnest thing over here. I'm sorry. I didn't know. You probably get a lot of enjoyment out of podcasts. I was trying to do an earnest thing over here. I'm sorry. I didn't know. You probably get, excuse me, you probably get a lot of enjoyment out of podcasts. Why don't you share, why don't you talk to someone in your life who doesn't listen to podcasts? Like take their phone, install a podcast app, download a Jordan Jesse Go podcast for them or even better, a show that they'll like.

And teach them about what you get out of podcasts. Show them how to Bluetooth their phone to their car stereo. Show them how to open that podcast app. Subscribe to, I mean, stuff you should know. Yeah. Probably stuff you should know. That's a good place to start. Yeah, probably just stuff you should know. It is super. My brother, my brother and me. Yeah. Probably stuff you should know. That's a good place to start. Yeah, probably just stuff you should know.

It is super. My brother, my brother and me. Let's keep it in the family. Everybody likes those McElroys. They're the best. Yeah. By the way, watch that McElroys TV show on CISO. Wonderful work.

Good work, you good boys. As long as we have 25 minutes, I'd like to tell a poignant story about it. I went to a retirement home and taught people how to download podcasts. I didn't even think Fat Joe was going to be in this. Dan, number one, all stories have to have conflict. Give me my rain stick. You're going to have to fight one of these old people. That's number one.

And then number two, you're going to have to learn a lesson from this thing. You don't learn a lesson. It's not a story, Dan. We know that. That's when I realized Jesse was hurtful. The moral of the story is Jesse is hurtful. No, it really has been fun seeing you guys. Yeah.

I love your glasses and I love your underwear. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. The other earnest thing that I was going to say is I'm going to say for me personally, Dan Kennedy's Twitter. Top five Twitters on the internet. Great Twitter. Follow Dan Kennedy after you read his book. Follow him. This is not normal.

Follow me on Twitter. It's getting better. It's one of those. It is getting. You are almost there. It's one of those Twitters, and I'm going to... Jordan, I'm going to... Lemonales.

I'm going to include your Twitter in this as well. Hey, Lemonales. Where I'll see a funny tweet. Yes. I'll star it. I'll go ahead and give it a star. Sometimes I'll go ahead and give it a retweet. Then I'll say to myself, I love this guy.

I'm going to go ahead and check out that timeline, see what I miss. I'm going to click through to Twitter.com slash Dan Kennedy. What is it? Dan Kennedy, NYC. Dan Kennedy, NYC. Dan Kennedy, NYC, or Jordan, underscore Morris. And I'll look through. Click star. Oh, click star. Click star point. Star point. Star point. Star point. Star point. Passing out star points like it's going out of style, which it did six months ago when it changed into hearts. But, and I don't know what this is like for you, Jordan, when you see your phone blowing up like that. But for me, I'm inevitably in my apartment in New York, hunched over the sink in the

kitchen, eating a quesadilla, and I see something lighting up on my phone and I just see like Jesse Thorne, Jesse Thorne, Jesse Thorne and I just go how the fuck? SEO bot is at it again. I just hold up my phone and I'm like tell me how the fuck my life's not working out again because look at this. Same thing for me but instead of hunched over eating a quesadilla

I'm pulling myself off. I'm handing out a thermos. Same thing for me but I'm having one of those real nice dinners with my friend Jamie Kennedy. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah. The Jamie Kennedy experience.

We'll talk. Well, that's when you hire Jamie Kennedy to jerk you off. But what you really want is emotional intimacy. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.