Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 471: Midnight Party with Paul Provenza

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

Stand up comic and filmmaker Paul Provenza joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the spectrum of pet adoption difficulty, stand ups you like to see sputter a bit on stage, and Jesse's daughter Grace's very important upcoming social engagement.  Go to MaximumFun.org/JJGoBigHat for all of the information you need to win a real $1000 to support your lifelong learning by wearing a big hat.  And check out the new stand up documentary that Paul is featured in alongside Jerry Seinfeld, Garry Shandling, and Sarah Silverman, Dying Laughing.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we turn on microphones. And say things into them. And then, it's over. You got it, that's the Jordan Jesse Goh motto.

Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, week in week in week out lo these past 11 years jordan and i have thrown an hour of our and your time down the drain by turning on these microphones and saying things uh here's i just want to i did because we we struggle with this at the top of the, how to say what's going to go on. Yeah. Because if you're a new listener, it could be difficult to adjust to this. Yeah. You could be just tuning in because you are a fan of our great guest who we'll introduce in a bit. Yeah.

And so here's what I thought. I want to stay on the cutting edge of podcasting. Yeah. I do too. Now, I don't want to worry you. And this could be preemptive. I'm prone to worry. But I think the genre that we're in, although it is fresh now. Right. I mean, right now. Yeah. Jordan. And for the benefit of our guests who haven't been introduced yet. Yeah. There is no hotter, newer, fresher take on podcasting than two white guys. Two white guys and a guest, Gavin,

and mostly just remembering Nintendo. Yeah. Yeah. Nintendo remembrances. Yeah. And Genesis, which does what Nintendo. Of course.

I'm sorry that we left you out, Sega Genesis. Please don't divorce me so I want to stay on the cutting edge of podcasting and I've been listening to some of these hot new shows these well produced docu-series these small batch well produced

sound rich third journalist festival award winning and I think what we need to do is to have more conversations with our producer in the car so do you think that

part of the show either before or in the middle maybe it's something we go back to periodically throughout the episode we break it up. Just us with Brian talking in the car. Yeah. That's a good idea.

On our way to something, wondering if something will work. Maybe restating some information that we think people might need to know. Jordan, can I throw something out there to you? Oh, also in this, we drive through Arby's. Oh, okay. It's like a sponsored thing. And I think people would like to hear that. Have you sold that sponsorship yet?

Is that something you've already sold? Because I am already in talks with White Castle. Well, shit, man. We got our wires crossed. I am sorry. We should put someone should be in charge of this. No, I know. Someone should be in charge of this.

We can go to two places. Okay. Fair enough. Here's my concern with this, Jordan. Yeah yeah and we'll introduce our guests why don't we introduce our guests i want no part of this he's out he's halfway out the door already we gotta introduce him before he bails i already got blood coming out of this ear from that laugh you gave to people he's uh he's a legendary stand-up comedian legendary television host documentarian currently bleeding documenting the human condition i would say would you say that's your primary subject some humans condition yeah yeah paul provenza sure

hi paul how are you happy to be here nice to see you nice to see you as well Paul is a man who knows his colors Paul's got a beautiful salt and pepper head of hair he's bringing that out with blacks and grays

in his wardrobe you guys are really you really drill down we like to paint that's the important thing but listen about this talking to Brian in the car thing

right I think you should go for Sonic because they're big with two guys in a car. Right. White Castle's regional. Sure. Right. I'm just putting my two cents in. Sonic is a good idea.

I'm just putting my two cents in. If you like the idea, just let me dip my beak. All right. Just a little. A little dip my beak. Paul, we'll make sure you get some tots out of this deal. We'll put some tots in the mail. Hey, how about a soft serve cone, buddy?

Love it. Would you like that dipped? Love it. It'll be there in six to eight weeks. We're not rush shipping anything. So here's my only concern about this plan. Yeah. Now, Jordan, how would you characterize, based on your experience,

my feelings towards Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer? I think you like him. Yeah. I love the guy. You're a little worried he's going to dip his beak. Yeah.

Well, this guy's always looking to dip his beak. Sure. This asshole. But I love this guy. Yeah. Brian's been, I've been working with Brian

since I was just a guy in an apartment in Koreatown. Not even when I got this. This was before I got the second bedroom. I was doing it in my, I was recording in my foyer. Now, I was lucky to have a foyer. I was going to say, you had a foyer.

You should show up right now. Whoa. Okay. Seriously. Okay, Rockefeller. White privilege. Jeez. Yeah.

However. Okay. I want to say this. Do we want to, I'm trying to find the right word. Encourage him. Oh, well, he'll be off, Mike. He's just a device. Got it. Yeah. He's like he's like a like a like we're the subject. He's the subject of the story and we're the Greek chorus. Yeah. He'll be like your Paul Schaeffer. Right. Kind of thing.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. He's, I got him the outfit, by the way. And every once in a while we'll remember, oh, Brian was great in Spinal Tap. Remember how Brian was in Spinal Tap? Had a little scene and really funny. Do you know that this comes in, whenever anybody has said Paul Schaeffer was great in Spinal Tap, had a little scene, really funny? Do you know that this comes in, whenever anybody has said, Paul Schaefer was great in Spinal Tap, it is immediately followed by somebody else going, Paul Schaefer was in Spinal Tap?

Yeah. Oh, I just assumed that it was immediately followed by someone else saying, did you know he co-wrote It's Raining Men? Oh, that's a fun fact about Paul Schaefer. I'm supposed to be interviewing Paul Schaefer in a couple weeks. And the CBS Orchestra? Yeah, the whole CBS Orchestra is going to be there. Strings and everything.

Wow. Yeah, so that's my concern with that. But I think it is a workable idea. I definitely think that we should buff this show up a little bit. We're already bringing in stars. We've got Provenza here. Yep. He's from Kids Court.

That shows how that's working out. He's from Kids Court. From Kids Court. You know, we're bringing the show back. What? Kids Court That shows how that's working out He's from Kids Court From Kids Court You know we're bringing the show back You're gonna bring back Kids Court? Is this a scoop? This time with the death penalty Whoa!

Lookout! Times have changed You gotta keep up Ladies and gentlemen You'll be filming in Texas, right? We're working with the ISIS production company We're gonna do some beheadings They're doing a lot of hot stuff these days.

Them and Vice. Sure. You can hook up with either of those. You know, they share the crew. I didn't know that. I did not know that. It's a similar aesthetic. Sort of dangerous, edgy.

We're going down deep, yeah. So in this all new capital punishment kids court. What is punishable by death? Is everything? Whatever I feel like it. Wow. Acting up at a restaurant. Yeah. Enough with kids.

Can people stop having kids already? Don't we have enough kids? Thank you. Finally. There's enough people, enough kids. I mean, I love kids and all, but I love puppies too. We got enough of them too. Sure.

Yeah. How many- Shelters are full of kids. Yeah. That just- That's right. People may be left in a box. By the way, it is easier actually to adopt a kid than a puppy. I don't know if you know that.

Yeah, yeah. You know our friend Michael Showalter, past guest on this program? He came on The Sound of Young America one time and I asked him to do some, he was going to do some stand-up comedy on the show. Thrilled to have Showalter there. Now, a big-time movie director directed our friend Emily and Kumail's movie coming out, The Big Sick. But Showalter there. Now, a big-time movie director directed our friend Emily and Kumail's movie coming out, The Big Sick.

But Showalter came directly from – he would not do comedy. He's a sensitive guy. Would not do comedy, would only talk about how he had just been denied a kitten. Wow. He had tried to adopt a kitten, gotten as far as the trial period. They had revoked the kitten. They had tried to adopt a kitten, gotten as far as the trial period, they had revoked the kitten. It will scar you if you are rejected from taking care of something with a brain the size of a walnut.

Yeah. It takes its toll on your self-esteem. I had that problem when I tried to adopt a stegosaurus. Is it in the tail of a stegosaurus? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, something like that. I think so. Yeah, something like that. I think so. I had a – when I was in the market for a pet, I was looking on one of these pet websites. Iguana.com. Yeah.

Exactly. Oh, that's a pet website? Sure. My bad. Single ferrets dot milf. Is there a dot milf? There should be. There probably should be.

Is there a dot milf? There should be. There probably should be. So, yeah, I was looking for a pet, and I saw this nice cat that looked very beautiful. Her name was Ling Ling, which may have been racist. Or Siamese. Could have been a Siamese cat. Yeah, yeah.

The name made me feel a little uncomfortable. I don't think that this pet's caregiver wasn't trying to be racist, but it might have been one of those things. Might have just been somebody who really wanted a panda. Yeah, right. Or just an old woman who doesn't know the difference. This cat isn't fucking. It's probably a panda. It's a main thing that pandas do so it's not fuck um so i sent an email to whoever was in charge of ling ling saying that i was interested and would like to meet her did you tell them that you were maybe just for coffee

no drama no expectations. No hookups. Right. So I wanted to meet Ling Ling, and the pet caregiver emailed me back a couple days later saying that Ling Ling had been adopted. Anyway, a couple weeks later, I was trolling the same pet website. Guess who's fucking still up there? I'm going to go with Ling Ling. Yeah, it's Ling Ling. Ling Ling was still up there.

God damn it. And so my brain starts working overtime. Right. You have a perfectly competent person who wants to come in and maybe adopt this racist cat. Before she told you that Ling Ling was already adopted, did she ask you anything? Did she know anything about you? No. Did she Google you and find you in a costume

talking to Denzel Washington? That's probably what it was. Or listen to two minutes of this podcast. I decided that I should not be in charge of another living thing. Well, your first mistake was giving her your name. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have. Yeah, I should have said I was.

Can I tell you what my theory on this is, Jordan? Yeah. I don't think there is a Ling Ling. I mean, I think there's the Panda Ling. I've heard about this on pet sites. This is something called catfishing. Catcatting? It's a bait and switch.

I've heard that happens a lot on adoption websites. Yeah. The old switcheroo. You know, that's so funny. I did get another email from the pet caregiver saying that she would consider letting me meet Ling Ling if I just sent her routing numbers. You have to come to Nigeria to pick her up. Right. Yes, exactly. There are dramatically different standards depending on the organization.

True. So I have two dogs, Coco and Sissy, as my listeners probably know. I call them my listeners. To a lesser extent, they're your listeners. Jordan, to an even lesser extent, yours, Paul. Coco and Sissy are your listeners. Yes. Right.

That's fair. If you play this in the house when you're at work, it soothes them, makes you think you're still around. That's the primary use of this podcast, is to play for pets so they don't go crazy in your house. To keep the dog from chewing the leg of the sofa. Yeah. I adopted them both from rescue organizations,

organizations that had gotten them out of other bad situations. Sissy came from a shelter. It was a kill shelter. And Coco came actually from Mexico, from a dog hoarder in Mexico. Which is actually a kill shelter. Yes. Legally, by international law. I think so.

Yeah, I think so. And I got Sissy. When I got Sissy, Sissy came over to our house. This was a period in our time when we were trying to have a baby but had not yet gotten pregnant. Although, as it turned out, my wife was pregnant at the time. So it was a mistake to get a second dog. But we had this dog come over to our house. And there were these two very suspicious people.

And they had, to be frank, sort of middle-aged, slightly... Look, I'm not going to shock you by saying that these pet rescue volunteers were middle-aged and slightly dumpy, but they were. But they had a kind of Sam and Diane vibe going on that was a lot of fun. I've noticed there's a lot of Asperger's in pet rescue. Yeah. Well, you know you know i mean a pet is a unconditional love nothing wrong with that god bless him and these two uh these two people put my wife and i through uh like basically we it was basically the nfl scouting combine

for dog parenting like we were measuring our vertical leap fully. You know what I mean? They were measuring the size of our hands, like everything. And we already had a very healthy, happy dog at that point. Is there a history of heart disease in your family? Exactly. Did you have to put on an ape costume and jump on a trampoline and do a slam dunk? Yes.

I don't think that's what happens at the combine. That would be a nice capper. Yeah. I mean, if they're looking for a capper after the zigzag drills. So I, we eventually, we passed the test. Not bragging, Paul. Okay?

I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but I'm doing well. Hey, it's me. Okay. I didn't get a ling-ling. Sorry, Jordan.'m doing well. Hey, it's me. Okay. I can't get a ling-ling. Sorry, Jordan. Sorry, Jordan. Jordan's happily married now to his cat bug.

And so that was- Whose name, I will say, is not problematic at all. Yeah, I agree. And that was quite an ordeal, but we made it through. We adopted the dog. Now, our previous dog, Coco, we went to a far reach of Los Angeles. Los Angeles, for those who don't live here, goes on forever, just indefinitely. Yeah, it's the infinite universe.

The further you go, the more diffuse your car becomes around you. It just turns eventually into a kind of golden haze. Until you reach the event horizon. Is that where Magic Mountain is? Somewhere a little further north. We've got a hamburger hamlet up there.

Past the event horizon. Once you pass that event horizon, as Stephen Hawking says in A Brief History of Time, you are turned into spaghetti. So you're driving through this golden haze, and the further you get, the more Fry's Electronic Superstores you pass. Each with a different theme. More confusing than the last. Olive gardens start popping up.

So we go to this... Yeah, you know you're out of town when you see an olive garden. We're looking for this house. It's the same thing. We found this doggone pet finder. We're already thinking about we want to take this dog home.

And we ended up in a sort of exurban tract home just where like just a sort of round 60-year-old woman opened the gate, beckoned us in. We went inside. There's like five dogs in the front yard, all terrifying, giant and terrifying. Not threatening us, but just the kind of dogs that are so large and athletic that they are threatening by their very presence. And she sent us inside and we sat down on a giant overstuffed leather sofa.

The kind with the flat flaps on top of the arms. You know that kind I'm talking about? In front of a giant big screen TV. Not a flat screen TV. I want to be clear. A big screen tube TV. A huge. Circa 90s.

Wall size 1992 big screen TV. You got it from Paul, the king of big screen. Playing El Gordo y la Flaca or something. And Coco, our dog, who at the time was named Chicklet, I think it was. Maybe Sissy was named Chicklet. One of them was named Chicklet. We're it was. Maybe Sissy was named Chicklet. One of them was named Chicklet. We're going to have to get into that a little later on. Pretty cute name.

Just jumped on our laps. The lady came over, like, talked to us for like two minutes and was like, okay, great. And we just took the dog home. No paperwork. It was like a pickup. It was basically a pickup. It was easier than going to the UPS store.

Sure. It's like when you buy drugs from someone, you have to hang out for a little bit. Yeah, exactly. I adopted a cat some time ago, about seven or eight years ago, and they put me through a crazy...

Rigmarole. Rigmarole, what's the process called? I don't even know, but they wanted to see the dishes I was going to feed the cat out of. Oh. What is an inappropriate dish to feed the cat out of? Well, that question remained unstated.

If it's convex instead of concave, that would be a problem? Like crazy, like crazy. And, you know, they literally walked around and looked at every inch of the house. Just recently, about six- What were they looking for? Like parakeets?

I don't know what they were looking for. I was afraid to ask. I didn't know if they had backup. Sure. Are there enough sunbeams coming in through the window? Yeah. They like to lay in those. It was just crazy.

Six months ago, I adopted a dog. My wife saw this picture of a puppy online. She knew this agency because a couple of friends of ours had gotten a dog through this rescue agency. And they were having a little fair, a little adoption fair in the parking lot of some, you know, farmer's market kind of thing. So we drive out there. It starts pouring rain on the way out there. It is just torrential when we get there. They're packing up because obviously show's over for them.

And they still had this puppy. So we look at this puppy. We're like, oh, he's so cute. And we literally just went out there to meet these people because we knew they could get some good dogs. And we wanted to help them out. You had heard from your friends that they had the good shit And that they had the good shit And that they were good people

Okay so we show up They said oh yes This dog is still here Here take a look at him Oh can we hold him Yes eight minutes later we're in the car on the way home With a dog and a crate and a half open bag Of dog food

Going what the fuck just happened We have a dog and a crate and a half-open bag of dog food going, what the fuck just happened? We have a dog? They didn't care. They were just like, I got like five at my house right now. I live in an apartment. I'm already in trouble. Just foster the dog. Foster the dog.

Right. I don't think we heard back from these people until like five months later when they said, oh, by the way, you need to send this jack. They couldn't care less. I think this adoption agency was a front for a human trafficking operation. It just all was too weird. They were too chill about it. They really didn't care what happened. I go to the Pasadena City College flea market once a month.

And it was a huge flea market. And one of the things, there's two great things about this flea market besides the flea market sales. They both come in trucks. One is the pie and burger truck. Thank God we're addressing local Los Angeles restaurants. Dear God, if you're in Pasadena, please do go to the pie and burger. No reason not to. That's wonderful.

No reason not to. Can I tell you this? Pie and burger truck delivers almost the full pie and burger experience. I've not eaten out of the pie and burger truck. I have no complaints. I ate out of it and was thrilled. I would like to eat out of that truck. Okay.

So there's that. The other is an enormous RV that belongs to the Pasadena Humane Society comes, and then they take out all these doggies. This is what I call the awe truck. Yeah. There are like probably- That's what the horn sounds like. Aww.

Aww. Yeah. There are like probably- That's what the horn sounds like. Aww. Aww. It's being operated by 27 lovely grandmas who are all putting doggies in your arms. Like, it is brutal. It is cruel. It's human cruelty. It is to me that they are forcing me to pet these doggies because I have two doggies and three children and one wife and not a huge house. I can't. I don't need, you know. Sure.

You don't need to be falling in love with some dog who probably has bladder problems. That's how you get manipulated by big puppy. Yes. Big puppy is full of shit. It's controlling our emotional life. Somebody's got a housebreak big puppy. And those things are full of BPAs. Yeah, they sure are.

You've got to watch out for those BIPAs. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, Ben. What's that, Adam? Maximum Fun has asked us to make a new promo, and I think the best way to do it is to tell people what our show's about. Oh, that's pretty easy. The Greatest Generation is a hybrid podcast that guarantees you a

good night's sleep with a combination of both latex foam and memory foam. No, it's actually a show that allows you to skip the post office by printing out your own postage. No, it is a podcast that allows you to design websites by using award-winning templates. Ben, it is most definitely

not that. The Greatest Generation is a Star Trek podcast by two guys who are a little bit embarrassed to have a Star Trek podcast. New episodes come out every week on Maximum Fun or wherever you download podcasts. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul Provenza, dipping his beak. Yeah.

Get it wet. Get the beak wet. Jordan, we got some sponsors on this week's program helping bring you Jordan, Jesse Goh. The first of them, Squarespace. It's a way to create a website. Yeah. You can share your art, things you love. You can sell stuff.

Yeah, sell whatever you want. They do commerce on these things. Not quite. Don't sell illegal drugs. No, please don't. Just the legal ones. Yeah, just sell some nice- So legal drugs, like bath salts in some states.

Right. So yeah, sell your legal drugs, sell your handicrafts. Get a site from Squarespace.com. If you go to Squarespace.com slash JJGo, free trial, 10% off. Yeah, Squarespace is a way that anyone can make a beautiful website. They've got templates that are responsive, depending on what device you're using. And, you know, I've made myself some Squarespace websites in my time, Jordan. A lot of fun.

Yeah, absolutely. And they came out gorgeous. And, hey, you know how I've made myself some Squarespace websites in my time, Jordan. A lot of fun. Yeah, absolutely. And they came out gorgeous. And, hey, you know how often they have customer service? 20, I don't remember. 24-7. Yeah. 24-7 customer service. That's what I was trying to come up with.

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Yeah, just go on over to squarespace.com slash JJGO. Free trial, 10% off. That's a deal. Hey, we also have a sponsor this week that is a podcast musical. I can't imagine our audience would be interested in that. Definitely. I know. This is a real shot in the dark, but are there any fans of musicals and podcasts out there?

When you say a podcast musical, is it a podcast or is it a musical about podcasts? It's a podcast. It's a narrative fictional podcast starring real Broadway actors. And it's by playwright, excuse me, award-winning playwright, Jonathan Goldberg. It's called The Fall of the House of Sunshine. It's about a children's show host.

Named Brushy Sunshine. They are murdered by bullets, fired through a rip in space-time. Holy shit. Oh, this old story. Yeah, Detective Dankent is tasked with solving the case. They're rebooting this thing? Tale as old as time.

Yeah. It all goes back to Gilgamesh. Silly, fun. The episodes are about 15 minutes long, and they include three original songs, iTunes, Stitcher, other podcast apps, or you can go over to podmusical.com. Yeah, that's The Fall of the House of Sunshine at podmusical.com. If you want to sponsor Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Or if you want to get up on our Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Paul Provenza, interloper. Paul, you're not an interloper. You're a welcome breath of fresh air.

And interloper. Yeah, fair enough. Is there a sexual connotation to interloper. You're a welcome breath of fresh air. And interloper. Yeah, fair enough. Is there a sexual connotation to interloper? It's always seemed like an erotic word to me. It feels like it. You're right. You're right. You and I go to the same website. That's right.

Interloper.milf. When I hear interloper, I feel like inappropriately sexual. Like when your shirt brushes your nipple in the middle of the day or something. You're like, what just happened? I need to lay down. Too much sexuality. Yeah. Interloper.

Is that why you got that fainting couch? Yes, exactly. You don't have a huge apartment. I was really surprised when you took up so much of it with that fainting couch. Yeah. I mean, I'm always swooning. Right. Getting the vapors.

Right. Don't always have a julep at hand. Oh, I mean, I'm always swooning. Right. Getting the vapors. Right. Don't always have a julep at hand. Oh, if I don't have my julep. That's intra-loping. Got it. Oh, okay.

Intra-loping. Intra, sure. Got it. Got it. Thank you, Paul. No problem. Paul, you're in a new documentary film.

I am. I'm a very small part of this film. But this is like, we get an email about this movie. There's 10,000 people we love in this movie. It's not just Paul Provenza. No, no, no.

We sent them a numbered list of requests. You were 17th. 16 people said no before Paul Provenza. I got to tell you, I moved up. Paul Provenza from Kids Court. Now with capital punishment. New and improved. Tell us about the movie, Paul.

What do you know about it? I just think it's terrific. I got a call out of the blue from these guys. Paul Tugud, fantastic name. That's a very good name. Almost Tugud, to be true. And Lloyd Stanton, not so great in it. Fair. But it's all right. It's good normal.

They're British filmmakers. And I saw some clips from some other stuff they had done. I went, well, these guys know what they're doing. And Suli McCulloch, who's an old friend of mine, comedian from way back, is co-producing it. And they just said, hey, we want to interview you about some experiences as a comedian then i found out who was in it and i was like well i'm very happy to be among this group of people and then i saw it and i was absolutely blown away it's an absolutely gorgeous movie i mean it's it's really artful it's all talking heads except for cutaways that kind of give you

this this this vibe of what it's like being on the road or, you know, whatever the particular topic is that they're in the movie at that particular time. And they just had this beautiful, artful approach to it. And they interviewed so many comedians, everybody from Jerry Seinfeld, Gary Shandling, Jerry Lewis, to people like myself, to Philippa Esparza and Royale Watkins and people you've never heard of. Sarah Silverman's in it. Who's Sarah Silverman? I'm not familiar with her. She's, keep an eye on her. Okay. Keep an eye on her. I will, thank you. And they really

just had conversations. Oh, the kid from Wreck-It Ralph. Oh, I loved Wreck-It Ralph! She's the kid! Okay, got it. And yeah, they just talk to people about what it's like to be a comedian. And so they have this unbelievable spectrum of people talking about what it's like to be a comedian. And you walk away with a real sense of something very odd. What an odd group of people in an odd world with an odd manifesto.

And it's pretty cool. It's an odd world with an odd manifesto, and it's pretty cool. And I think they drill down so deep that that irony comes to pass, which is when you drill mostly so weird to do, like, just a talking head interview and then see it put together. Like, what did you... Were you misquoted? Yes. I misquoted myself. That's how good this movie is. Got it.

Hello, I'm comedian Paul Provenza. And I love to eat poop. I didn't say that. Wait a minute. Somebody, hold on, that's what my dog does. That's some good looping right there. And it's a misbehaving dog. You were wondering why they always insisted on having

a shot of the back of your head. Reaction shot. Well, it's funny because you don't know the context, but it's when you do something like that. But again, these guys they just they just really did it up they really did it really thoughtfully really thoughtfully and because they're from outside the world of comedy i was skeptical because people always sort of have

their own idea of what comedy is or comedians are or what their life is like that they tend to impose on things you know but they didn't they They really were like, let's hear what, what it really is and let's try and create this, this vibe, this feeling. And they did a great job. As far as I can tell people who don't know a lot of comedians think one of two things of comedians that they're always funny or they're always sad. Right. That's true. That's true. They also, here's another interesting one. They also think that we do nothing all day because we work at night and we do nothing all day except play video games or whatever and occasionally write a joke.

When really we're up at like 6 in the morning doing morning drive radio wherever we're at and all that other stuff. And it's not at all just meaningful and in non-meaningful ways. It's not at all what you think it is. I know a lot of comedians and especially the male comedians that I know are extraordinarily frequent masturbators. Oh, like crazy. Yeah. So like there are things to do between that morning radio and hitting the club at night. And they're fully explored by the comedian community. We spend time at malls and masturbating when we get back to the quality inn.

How much masturbating is in the film? Not enough, if you ask me. Maybe there'll be a director's cut or a Blu-ray or a Criterion thing. The alienation of the lonely, semen-handed man in a quality inn. Oh, quality inn is a sad name of a place. Yeah. When it tells you what you're supposed to think of it, then you're in trouble.

Paul, do you still do those kinds of gigs? Do you still go to a quality inn and do drive time radio? Oh, yeah yeah yeah i mean i haven't been doing much stand-up per se for a while now because i've been working on other stuff and uh and also frankly you directed the disney movie the aristocats that's correct with the dancing cats uh and um i focused a lot on the dishes they eat from. Right. Sure. Concave. Concave. The food. Yeah.

Can't be a mound where the food rolls off. Yeah. Yeah, so I haven't been doing much stand-up per se. Plus, I've also been doing a lot of work with Set List. Yeah.

You've been doing this show for quite a while. This is like your signature show. We just had our 50-year anniversary at Nerd Melt. So I've been doing it show for quite a while. This is like your signature show. We just had our 50-year anniversary at Nerd Melt. So we've been doing it for about six years. And all around the world. There is nary a comedy festival in this great world of ours that does not feature Paul Provenza flying in to do set lists. And the evil genius Troy Conrad.

So that's been a lot of fun so I've been doing a lot of hosting and I've been doing a lot of other stuff that I'm interested in right now Setlist is a show where you bring comedians in and give them topics that they hadn't expected we create a setlist

and they see the topics one at a time on screen at the exact same time that the audience sees them for the first time. And they have to improvise the set that goes with it. But they have to buy into the conceit that this is my act. This is actually my set list. So it's really fun. It's really fun for the audience, too, because they know.

They're in on it, and they know what's going on. But for comedians, it's like bungee jumping. It's really nerve-wracking. In fact, do you guys know who Tim Minchin is? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, cool. Tim is a singing comedian from Australia. Very funny.

A hero to the skeptic movement, the man who wrote the music for the Broadway musical Matilda. Matilda, that's right. That's right. And, you know, he had just played a series of shows at the O2 Arena and came down to the Soho Theater. We were in London at the Soho. and, you know, maybe 100 seats. And he was more nervous doing set list there than he was doing his own show at the O2 Arena. So really, it just lays bare all your vices and virtues. I would like to see Andy Kindler do that.

I'm dying to get Andy. Andy just hasn't done it yet and kind of sort of refuses to do it. To be fair, I would enjoy watching Andy Kindler negotiate a breakfast table, for example. There are very few challenges that I wouldn't enjoy watching Andy Kindler take on.

I just had Andy Kindler. I'm directing a play that we're trying to find a venue for. Congratulations, Paul. Your career sounds like it's doing great. It's not at all. I don't know if you've noticed, but all this shit is payment free. Got it. But I had Andy come and do the reading, and he was hilarious.

Andy is so funny. I think that most of Andy's fans are ironically his fans, though. No. No, sir. I'm glad to hear it. Who doesn't love Andy? Only a monster doesn't love Andy Kindler. I agree.

Andy Kindler is the funniest man in the world. Yeah, Andy Poig. Yeah, but I think maybe what you're getting at is the strange space that Andy Kindler performs in. You know who else fits in that space? Todd Glass. Sure, yeah. Right in that pocket. It's hard to describe. Yeah, in. Exactly. You know who else fits in that space? Todd Glass. Sure. Yeah. Right in that pocket. Yes.

Yes. It's hard to describe. Yeah. And it is. It is. It is. You don't necessarily want the joke to go over well when Andy Kendler is telling the joke. Yeah.

Because he's funnier when he's not killing. You kind of want to see him react to the joke not going well. Exactly. Which is a really challenging place to be. And he is phenomenal yeah and i'll put our buddy chris fairbanks in that zone a little bit too of that kind of comic that does just want to watch him sputter a little sure yeah the sputtering guys although i will say todd glass has a joke or had a joke i don't know if he's still doing this joke that in fact it i

it's a stretch to call it a joke but there's there's a bit in a special that he did maybe three four years ago where he's talking about how rich people are different from poor people and the example that he gives is that poor people back their cars into parking spaces i don't know if that's true. I don't. It doesn't have any particular resonance. It's just so alarmingly specific. It's so funny. I love when comics do that thing where, you know, and they always talk about it in the third person.

Like, you know, you're home masturbating and your mother walks in the door. You know, and it's whatever. And nine times out of ten, it's usually something where I sit and watch and go, no, no, I've never. No, that's never. You know how that is. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't. Todd Glass has the conviction to convince me.

Literally every time I have backed into a parking space in the last like four years. Like let's say I'm in a tight spot and I just went past it, but I want to get back in so I can go head out on the way out. As I'm probably like, oh, yeah, classic poor person. Raised poor, stage poor. My one of those that I just like, I just, I think about every time I'm reminded of it. I know that's a bad sentence. I think about it every time I'm reminded of it. I know that's a bad sentence. I think about it every time I'm reminded of it. Right. I didn't want to give anything away.

Right. I remember seeing Howard Kramer for the first time, and this is also maybe not a joke. It's just something he said. He's kind of in that space. Yeah. For sure. He said, a starfish? What the hell is that?

I'll shove it up my ass for five bucks. There are 10 funny things about that. Why don't you know what a starfish is? What is it? Is it a joke? Is it Dadaism? What is that exactly? And every time I see a starfish, I'm like, oh, a starfish?

What the hell is that? I'll shove it up my ass. Five bucks. But, you know, Jordan. I love comedy like that. It's great. You can't really do the math on it. Yeah, yeah.

I love that. It's great we have Paul here because Howard actually wrote that joke at Set List. At Set List? That would not surprise me. That's just a thing he yelled when he saw the word starfish on the board. You see? And he would have killed. Yeah.

See? But, yeah, I would love to see Andy do it. Todd Glass has done it, but in the way that only Todd Glass and maybe Andy Kindler would also do it, which is where they do it without doing it. It just becomes funny as to how he's avoiding actually doing it. And it's hilarious. There are people, Todd Glass has been a podcaster for many years. And it's hilarious. There are people – Todd Glass has been a podcaster for many years.

And when I talk to Jordan Jesse Goh fans, his podcast is one of those that comes up. And I think it's because Todd's show, as far as I know – it's been a long time since I've heard it. But as far as I know, it's just him talking for four hours about something very small. But Todd is so sincere and passionate in his most deeply held beliefs. It is a beautiful quality that he has. You can't tell if he's serious or he's not. You really can't tell with Todd. It's confused me for the decades that I've known him. There's a viral vid of Todd Glass talking about how to plan a party.

And you keep, it's 10 minutes long. It's him leading you through all the different ways to plan a party. You're waiting for a punchline of this video. Then you realize, no, this is just a video with a man who has profoundly deep convictions. Like core of his identity is specific things that you should do when planning a party. And it makes me, I know, extremely happy. You know, the funny thing about Todd Glass is whenever he goes to a gig, he spends the whole day before his first show redoing the entire place. He makes them move chairs. he makes them put up curtains he makes them bring in lighting people and he just goes in he's got

like he's a friend of the comedian in that if he shows up at a room he will absolutely rant and rave and make them make it right yeah and i love him for that i love them for that because too often you show up and it's you know the light is it's easy shit most of the time too it's like we always move the light up six inches like since you hung it it's dropped a little bit just fix that but they haven't in four years you know or like you know take the gel out we don't need a gel this is not a theater but you're not doing death of a salesman. We don't need gels. And he goes in there and makes them do all of that stuff. The late show on Saturday is The Tempest. That's the thing.

That's why they got that thunder sheet backstage. Is that the Stratford-upon-Avon comedy club? Yeah. It's actually, I think it's a Zany's now in Stratford. I'm not 100% on that, but I think it's a Zany's. A Zown's. I'm not 100% on that, but I think it's a zany. A zounds. Do you ever miss those quality in hangout at the mall, morning drive type gigs? Is that something you would want to go back to?

You know, yeah, I do them. Every once in a while, one will pop up and I'll do it. But I really love doing festivals and being at festivals. And I spend so much time on the international circuit, which is a blast. It's really great. If you have the option of working in Dayton, Ohio at the Chuckle Hut for a week or a festival in South Africa or a gig

in China or something, it's really a different ballgame. The quality in South Africa are just a whole other level. The masturbation you're gonna do you know they're there they're there

yeah those white sand quality ends yeah I know what you mean about the comedy festival being such a great place to perform

it's so nice to perform at a place where people like comedy yeah I feel like sometimes you will do a comedy show somewhere for people who it

feels like don't like comedy well here's the thing is a lot of clubs. They basically market people into the room. Yeah. Between the promotions that they do or the group bookings and the party bookings and all that sort of stuff. Sometimes it's just the best place in town to eat nachos.

Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's just closer than the movie theater is. And so people pop in there. And it's not quite the same as an audience that's really into comedy. Jordan and I did a comedy show at a very standard comedy club here in Southern California in Pasadena that will, shall go nameless. Pine Burger. It was Pine Burger.

They got a little back room. Yeah. And, uh, normally it's the bathroom, but on Saturday nights, um, and we, we did it.

We probably did. What did we do it four times maybe? And every time we'd get. It's hard. Our show is not. No, it's not a popular show. Every time we'd get two or three Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. Sure.

You know, some at Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. They get it. They know where Jordan Jesse Go listeners, they get it. They know where we're driving this train. Okay. They know the stops because they know the conductors. You don't think they show up to find out. No. They already know.

Yeah, absolutely. They got the timetable. We issue it to them. And then I'm going to say, and this is in a secondary room of this club, And then I'm going to say, and this is in a secondary room of this club, I'm going to say four people who possibly were dropped off there after they received treatment at the emergency room. Right. They're just waiting for their loved one to come pick them up. Blood donors waiting for their juice.

Yeah, exactly. Just periodically someone raised their hand and said, am I supposed to get a cookie? I was led to believe. And that is a weird thing to do. It is very weird to ingratiate yourself to someone who does not – it's not that they're hostile. You just don't know them. And they don't know you. They just aren't interested. It's like a blind date.

Yeah. With people who just aren't necessarily going to be attracted to you in the least. Yeah. Guys, do you know what time? I have a quick question. Do you guys know what time we're going to finish this? I actually, I walked my daughter home from school today. And she told me that she has to get to a midnight party tonight at Jack's house.

She's bringing the glue. I don't understand what this is at all. This is a thing my daughter said when I walked her home. Oh, okay. She's going to need

to get to a midnight party at Jack's house. She actually said this? How old is she? She's five. It's her job to bring the glue. Okay.

Oh, boy. Yeah. I just wanted to throw that out there. I want to make sure we get done in time for my daughter to get to that midnight party at Jack's house. Yeah. Or else they'll be glueless. It's her job to bring the glue? Do you think she just has to poop?

Yeah. That may be what that means. Your five-year-old's a huffer, man. Yeah. She's huffing. Well, you know, I can't blame her. Just like her old man. You grow up in the favela.

Sure. You're going to end up huffing. From you, Dad. I learned it from watching you. It's just a culture. I think favela is my word of the day. That's my favorite word I've heard all day. You know, maybe I should have upgraded from that corrugated tin roof.

But the elements. It's beautiful when it rains. Sounds beautiful. Clean things up for the World Cup. Hitting that roof. But the elements. But it's beautiful when it rains. Sounds beautiful. Just the rain. Clean things up for the World Cup. Hitting that roof. Hitting that roof. It was nice.

I appreciated that. Yeah. So what, I just feel like this five-year-old's midnight party that involves somebody bringing the glue is a fantastic sketch waiting to happen. She sat up last night. Context. It's not helpful context, but it's context. Last night, I sit in there while I'm waiting for the kids to fall asleep.

They want an adult in there. I have a five-year-old and three-year-old. They want an adult in there after they go to bed to sit there with them while they fall asleep. Normal behavior. And I was sitting in there, and usually Grace is the first to fall asleep. My five-year-old, the three-year-old is the one that fights sleep as long as he can. But Grace, Grace, like we took them to bed at, you know, 840 or 835 or something like that. Like nine, 905, Grace sits up and she says, Daddy, is it midnight?

I have to go to a midnight party at Jack's. I'm supposed to bring the glue. Where do you think? So today, she gave me a little explanation about this situation. Because I was wondering what was going on. There's going to be some other kids there. Jack invited some other kids. So the concern here is that they will be missing Grace at the party

because she didn't go last night. They moved the party to tonight. Oh, I see. There's already some kids who are committed to coming to the party. And the worry here is both that she will be absent and... Sorry, is there a weird... My phone buzzing.

It's the kids at the party going, where's the glue, man? Sorry, I'm receiving an important phone call from Campbell, California. So there's two concerns. The first is that she'll be absent. There's other kids going to be at Jack's for the midnight party. She doesn't want to disappoint them. That's the first thing. Second thing,'s other kids going to be at Jack's for the midnight party. She doesn't want to disappoint them. Okay.

That's the first thing. Second thing, well, they're not going to have any glue. She's supposed to bring the glue. So I just want to make sure, I mean, where there's an evening record. Yeah. I have five, ten. Let me ask you something. Who's going to be at this party? Well, it's at Jack's house.

So Jack's going to be there. There's going to be some more kids there from school. And each of them are bringing something. My daughter, Grace, she's five. Her job is to bring the glue. Right. To the midnight party. I guess we should know what other people

are bringing to the midnight party before we can really put all this together. Right. This sounds like an improv warm-up. So the question is... And I'm bringing felt. Yeah. Yeah, so there's a couple possibilities. And I'm bringing a proctologist. The concern here, I think, and it's... I'm going to the

midnight party. I don't know. It sounds like something that would happen in an improv class. Sound. Yeah. Sound. Guys, we're ready for long form. That would happen in an improv class. Sound. Yeah. Sound. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Guys, we're ready for long form. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, Jordan, the Max Fun Drive is coming up. What's the Max Fun Drive? Well, it's a special time of the year where if you like this show and

other shows on MaximumFun.org And this show likes you back. Sure. Or if you don't like this show but you do like other shows on MaximumFun.org Right. Probably My Brother, My Brother and Me. Sure. Why wouldn't you like that great show? Those guys are the best.

With its theme and Me. Sure. Why wouldn't you like that great show? Those guys are the best. With its theme and focus. Premise thing that you can tell other people about. If you are a fan of this show and other MaximumFun.org programs, what you're going to want to do is drop us a line during the MaxFunDrive, pledge a little bit to to support and you get a bunch of cool stuff. We're going to have cool shows all Pledge Drive long. Special guests, fan favorites. Yeah, you can pledge your support. Keep this thing going. Make sure everybody at MaximumFun.org gets paid.

And yeah, you and you can let your favorite podcasters know that you like the show and you think they should keep doing it. Yeah, it starts March 20th and the last day of the drive, we will be doing, along with a number of other MaxFun hosts here in Los Angeles, a live streaming show on Friday evening. You will find all of that information at MaximumFun.org.

You will also find information about MaxFun Meetup Day. That's coming up across this great country. We did this last year, and it was like such a stunning success. We got pictures from all over the country of people having meetups. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash meetups2017. And if there is not already a meetup listed for your town, area, region, go ahead and there's instructions there on how to start one. Head it up. All you got to do.

Head it up. I want to be clear. All you have to do is pick a place and show up. That's it. People get worried like I can't bring enough people or whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're worried about sitting there alone, first of all, you shouldn't be. It doesn't happen. We've had meetups where multiple people show up in like Beirut and stuff.

Yeah. But I say, I think it was Istanbul. I think there's three people in Istanbul. So anyway, I say, if you're worried about it, say to a friend of yours, hey, will you go hang out at a bar with me for two hours? Maybe some internet weirdos will show up. Yeah. Internet weirdos are going to be lovely. Your friend's going to be thrilled to meet them.

They're going to be awesome weirdos. That's all that's required. Basically, just pick a place. Maximumfun.org slash meetup2017. These things are a ton of fun. They are a ton of fun. I also want to give a quick update. We've had some pretty incredible entries in our scholarship contest.

Okay. There's a lot of big hats out there. Yeah. So Jordan, Jessica, listeners probably already know this, but we are giving away a scholarship of $1,000 toward lifelong learning to the listener with the biggest hat. So what have you seen so far? Does anything stand out as being a potential winner? I saw a man playing the piano while wearing a piano on his head. Okay. I was impressed with that. That sounds neat. That's something that I was really impressed with. I saw a child with a very tall hat.

Maybe that was just big relative to the person? No, it was, I'm going to say, five feet long. Okay. That's a big hat. Yeah, and it was not wide, so I can't speak to the volume. Okay, that's something for the Blue Ribbon Commission to decide. And again, we are so grateful to the Blue Ribbon Commission featuring folks like Boots Riley of The Coup, Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic, among other books. Gillian Jacobs from Netflix's Love, which is just starting its second season on Netflix now.

Who else have we got? Your mom, my mom. They're the co-chairs of the commission. And a hat maker from Willima Hats in Altadena, California. His name's Cody. Cody Willima. Let's keep seeing those hats, people. Let's flash them caps.

Yeah. Flash us your caps. Flash your caps. Your big old cappies. All you got to do, post it on your- Dump them out. Let's flash them caps. Yeah. Flash us your caps. Flash your caps. Your big old cappies. All you got to do, post it on your... Dump them out. Dump out those caps. Post them on Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag JJGoBigHat. And if you go to MaximumFun.org

slash JJGoBigHat, you can find all of the information there. Brian put together a little info page. You can share that information far and wide. I just want to emphasize something, Jordan. Please do. A lot of people have been asking me, Jesse, this seems like a bad idea. Jesse, is this $1,000 of your own money? Jesse, are you just making this up? Is this an extended bit? I want to be clear. This is all too real.

Unfortunately, I am legally bound, now that I've announced that I would do this, to do it. Otherwise, it would be fraud. So I am actually going to give $1,000 of my money to the person who wears the biggest hat. If you're not out there trying to make a big hat for this contest... You're throwing away a cool thousand. A cool sawbuck. I was just going to attack them. Oh, okay. Like, say they're disgusting.

Yeah. They're barely a step above an animal. They know that. They might as well. They know that. They might as well rut in the mud like a pig. Yeah. Sort of like a pig.

And you know I don't eat no swine. Nah. Nah. I wouldn't even eat you. If you can't even make a hat, don't eat no swine. Nah. Nah. I wouldn't even eat you. If you can't even make a hat, I wouldn't even eat you. Nah. You think some bullshit store hat is going to cut it?

No. Make a big hat. Make a big hat. I want to see a lighter than air hat. Like a dirigible. Or a blimp. Depends on whether it has an internal structure. Have a hat that can have an animal on top. You got it.

We did have one great hat this week that was essentially a man who had strapped to his head a cat scratching post. Okay. With a cat on it. That's really good. Yeah, that was very nice. That was not necessarily the most voluminous, but the most precarious, certainly. The cat can't have been happy about it. No.

Even with the scratching post there. So, jj, maximumfun.org slash jjgo. Big hat. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, one other quick question. This is also related to my daughter, Grace. I was out of town. Do you have a piece of gold? I do not have one handy. Because she is currently building a leprechaun trap.

She asked me if I had a piece of gold. I did not have one to offer her. It makes you really question your value as a father, doesn't it? Jordan, I don't know

if you have any bullion. Yeah. I think she prefers bouillon. I happen to have a Krugerrand handy. That'll do. That'll work. That's perfect.

A Krugerrand is perfect. What about just a handful of gold bond? Yeah, well... What if the leprechaun has itchy junk? Then you get a leprechaun, but you don't really want him.

Yeah. He's really sweaty. Yeah. His thighs have been rubbing together. It's catching. What do you think she's going to do when she catches the leprechaun, but you don't really want him. Yeah. He's really sweaty. Yeah. His thighs have been rubbing together. He's catching. What do you think she's going to do when she catches the leprechaun? Yeah, that's a good question.

Eat it, right? That's how the midnight parties start, my friend. What did Darby O'Gill get up to in Darby O'Gill and the Little People? I think he ate the leprechaun. Yeah? Yeah. Can you eat a leprechaun? Yeah, that's how you get their powers.

Their powers of smallness. Seriously? Is that the legend? That if you eat a leprechaun? I don't know a you get their powers. Their powers of smallness. Seriously, is that the legend? That if you eat a leprechaun? I don't know a lot about leprechauns. I don't think so either. But yeah, I don't keep up on the leprechaun thing. I did read an interesting leprechaun article this morning. There's a New York Times Metro section.

Yes. Once you're done with world affairs, you dip into. This revealing Vanity Fair piece. A man, a movie man, who makes horror movies, has a vision for a movie called Vampiricon. Vampiricon gets bit by a vampire. I am in. If you can't see this as the next Sharknado, you, my friend, are small-minded. Yes, I know.

You could be leaving all that Sharknado money on the table. On the table. You're going to need to cast Tiffany. Sure. Yeah, ideally Tiffany. You know, find a spot for poor Tara Reid in there. I want you to ask Grace what she's going to do when she catches the leprechaun. And does she feel good about putting a leprechaun in captivity?

You know what? I think it's time to start addressing moral and ethical issues. They're finned to troop over like killer whales. One of my biggest concerns here is that I have two terrier dogs. They're going to catch this leprechaun the second, Grace Cat.

As soon as it goes in that leprechaun trap, Coco and Sissy are going to be sticking their schnozzes in there. Yeah. Shake, shake, shake, break the leprechaun's neck. Yeah, that's a pretty good squeak toy, a leprechaun. Yeah. Oh, I should say that the reason that Vamprechaun has not been made yet is because he's being sued by the maker of Leprechaun. Oh, okay.

Wait. So the guy- Not Lepre-pire? No, yeah. So the makers of Leprechaun and also Leprechaun and the Hood. Oh, because they- Leprechaun is their intellectual property now? That's what he is saying. Anything around Leprechaun?

He is saying that he contributed in some way to the creation of Vamprechaun. And so that he does not want Vamprechaun to be made or he wants to be- Oh, man. I hope this goes to a jury trial. He wants to be- Because I want to be on that jury. Yeah. Leprechaun v. Vamprechaun.

I mean, the real problem that they're going to run into is it's only eight people on the Supreme Court right now. What if there's a deadlock? This is clearly an issue. They're going to have to send it back down to the lower court. You know, where's Justice Kennedy going to fall? He's normally the swing vote. We know where Scalia would have gone. Yeah.

And that's out of the picture now. I think Cthulhu breaks the tie. Yeah. Sure. When something momentous happens to you, was there a Leprechaun in the hood poster in your Blockbuster video your entire childhood, Jordan? I mean, I think every blockbuster had a poster for at least one of the

Leprechaun movies. And then Fat Beach. Fat Beach! I feel like Fat Beach was the only movie with a poster in my in the blockbuster video at Army and Mission in San Francisco. You didn't have Soul Plane up there? This is pre-Soul Plane. Oh, pre-Soul Plane.

By the time Soul Plane came around, I was an art house cinema enthusiast teen. Uh-huh. Idiots. I'm talking about the Fat Beach era. This is just after Car 54, Where Are You? starring the Fat Boys and KRS-One.

Okay. Something momentous. Buster Poindexter? Yeah. Do you think that your daughter's clamoring to own a leprechaun is related to the fact that St. Patrick's Day is coming up right now? Do you think she's being topical? Is it seasonal? Yeah, well, she always does topical material. There you go.

She's like Will Durst. She just goes on stage with a newspaper. Yeah, Mort Sahl style. There you go. She's like Will Durst. She just goes on stage with a newspaper. Yeah. Mort Sahl style. I saw Mort Sahl do, have you ever seen Mort Sahl? We're going to get to these momentous occasions, but have you ever seen Mort Sahl do stand-up? Sure have. I saw him not that long ago, maybe 10 years ago, 7, 8, 10 years ago in San Francisco at the Purple Onion.

The things that I was surprised by, number one, still very funny. I actually enjoyed it. Was worried it would be sad. Actually, good point. It is great. He still does it every Thursday night at the Throckmorton. Really? Yep.

Oh, right there. I think it's Thursdays. In Marin County, Mill Valley, home of my wife's parents. Mort Saul was very funny, did a lot of topical humor, and a lot of topical humor from 30 years previous. Yes. It was a very interesting mix of topical

humor and very old topical humor. Yeah. It's weird though, because he is able to actually take some of that old stuff and actually apply it to this day and age, and it makes it a little bit more surreal even. Good work, Mort Sahl. That's what I have to say.

He was very funny. That was the thing that I took away from that. He was funny and sharp. And he's still upset about the Kennedy assassination. Very upset about that. When something momentous happens to you, like you assassinate President Kennedy. You are assassinated. We ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN.

I want to be clear. I am not calling for assassination. I am simply saying, were someone to be assassinated and you were the perpetrator, we would ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN. We would ask the assassinatee to call in, but they're in no position to do so. Unless they cross the Rainbow Bridge backwards. Oh. There's a phone booth at the earth side of the Rainbow Bridge you can use real quick, then cross over towards those pearly gates. If you find a leprechaun, they should probably call.

Right. I would consider that momentous. Yeah. 2069844-FUN is the number to call. Let's take our first call. Jordan, Jesse, illustrious guests. This is Adam calling from rural Quebec, where I just went to fill up my tank after getting two fillings at my local sort of locally owned gas station. And the cashier is practicing the bass.

I hope you can hear it in the background, because he's pretty good. Wait, what's he practicing? The bass? Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Like an upright bass sounded like. It might have been. Could have been a cello.

Yeah, sure. Can you pluck a cello? This is a person working in a store at a gas station? Yeah, just hanging out at the gas station. This is good defense for the shooting that ultimately seems to happen in those places. Yeah.

I was just, don't twerp me. Sure. A guy was driven mad by ambient bass playing. Yeah. Had to go ahead and assassinate Kennedy.

Sure. I would have been killed if I hadn't been for this bass. Yeah. Well, you know. It's a Manchurian candidate thing.

If they hear the right three bass notes, they go into a trance. Yeah. You, you know. It's a Manchurian candidate thing. If they hear the right three base notes, they go into a trance. Yeah. You make your choices. Mm-hmm. You know, let's take our next call.

Hi, Jordan. Jesse Go. This is Rob from Portland, Oregon with a momentous occasion. I killed my first chicken. I'll try to keep this short. I have a pet chicken

because I live in Portland, Oregon. I heard a commotion outside. Went outside and found the neighbor's dog had gotten loose and was throwing the chicken around like a rag doll. I had to get a rake, bought the dog off to get the chicken. The chicken was still alive, so I had to take it to the backyard and chop its head off, which I'd never done.

The only act I had turned out to be real dull. The death was ugly and terrifying. It will haunt my dreams. And then I told my wife when she got home from work and she said, no, I just saw our chicken in the backyard. So I went back and sure enough, our chicken's fine. Turns out the neighbor's

dog killed the neighbor's chicken. Actually, I killed my neighbor's chicken. I thought it was ours. So I'm a chicken murderer. The neighbor's fine with it. He kills chickens anyway. He doesn't care.

Anyway. I mean, the worst part is he's going out on tour with the Decembrists tomorrow. This is like a making of a murderer story here. This is... Jordan! This is our ticket! You know our friend Karen Kilgareth?

She hosts My Favorite Murder. This is a huge smash hit podcast. You know about this Finding Richard Simmons where they talk to the producer in the car? Sure. This is our ticket. We unpack this chicken death in Portland, Oregon. Or just chicken deaths in Portland, Oregon in general. Or, I mean, should we broaden it out to just Portland mix-ups?

Oh, yeah. Like when you're coming out of there. Let me ask you this. Halfway through that story when he said, it turns out it wasn't my chicken, didn't you guys hope just a little bit it turned out it was a leprechaun? Yeah. Yeah. Weren't you wishing a little bit?

Yeah. I kind of was, too. Yeah, I was looking forward to a little blarney. I was hoping for a bit of Blarney. I was hoping for a bit of Blarney my last time in Portland. Okay, so let's say

your dog kills a chicken. It turns out not to be your chicken, but it's a neighbor's chicken. No, the neighbor's dog killed a different neighbor's chicken.

Oh, a different neighbor's chicken. Yeah. Okay. That's why we need to do the podcast because Paul doesn't even know. Well,

because yeah, there's a lot of confusing aspects to this case. Someone please add some ambient electronic music behind this. Does somebody eat that chicken? Yeah, I mean, I wonder. I wonder how bad the dog fucked it up.

I wonder if the meat is tainted. I don't know. I was at a kid's play event the other day. My haltingly saying that made it sound like a nightmarish euphemism. But I was at a kid's meetup the other day, and it was the kind where you don't know the other parents. And I'm talking to these parents I don't know. How does this happen?

How does this happen? Well, in this this case it was specifically a meetup for parents of transgendered kids so it was like so the transgender kids can meet other transgender kids and like have fun but in general when you have a kid this age you end up going to a shit ton of things where you are forced to talk to adults you do not know because the children know each other the adults do not know each other. I do not go to school with these adults. So I just have to be nice to them until my child is tired.

So I'm being nice to these parents. And one of them told me about another one's. One parent who was friends with another set of parents told me that the other set of parents' mother had just killed a chicken in front of her child. Wow. Which, you know, that's something that grandmas do. Sure. Okay. I'm not, hell, my grandma, born and raised in God's United States, she'd have killed a chicken.

She's rest in peace. Grandma Rita. She's hopefully killing chickens in heaven Grandma Rita could have Grandma Rita would kill a chicken as soon as look at it You know that's dinner right there The thing is Is when you have one of these urban chickens Once you kill it

What are you going to do? Eat it? It's too stringy I don't know that's what I'm asking It's too stringy You want to eat a nice fat chicken Maybe you're making stock. Okay.

Well, at least you don't want to let it go to waste. I think if you have an urban chicken. I mean, if a chicken has to die in such a horrific manner, at least, you know, it should not go to waste. At least it should be stock. Sure. At the very least. And it's nice. If you put the stock, here's a nice stock tip.

If you put some of the stock, you make the stock. I can't get that app off my iPhone. You're going to want to put some of it in tuppies to put in the freezer. Sure. Okay. But if you put some of it in an empty ice cube dish, what's that called? Ice cube tray. Ice cube tray.

You put the stock in there. Then you have access to it in small amounts if you need it for sauces. That is a fun tip. That tip is so valuable, I'm going to leave here and kill a chicken. Yeah. Absolutely. But make sure you got some celery and carrots on hand because I want a full and rounded stock for me, Paul. I want a rounded stock, okay?

I don't want a one-dimensional stock. I want to see an herb sachet in there. Wrap it up in cheesecloth, Paul. Are there a lot of chickens in Portland? Wrap it up in cheesecloth. I think they are, yeah, I think the, I have a little bit of farm shit at my house is probably very popular in Portland.

Axes, chickens, overalls. Yeah, trowel on the wall. Banjos. Mason jar serving out of. These are all things, hay bales for seating. These are all things that you can have in Portland. It's part of what makes Portland so wonderful. Yes.

It's one of the reasons why we got this one listener in Portland. We got the one listener in Portland and the one in Brooklyn. Yeah. The chicken killer. Yeah. The chicken killer. I was really, really horrified at that story until for some weird reason I learned that the chicken he had to kill wasn't his and then I liked it. Oh.

Yeah. It's less traumatic after you find out it wasn't your chicken, I guess. I don't know. That makes a ton of sense. Well, if something momentous happens to you, like you get killed with a dull axe, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your telephone. Don't try and remember it.

You're not going to remember it. Nah, put it in your phone. You got you. You're listening to this on your phone. Put it in your phone right now. 206-984-4FUN. We need the content. Nothing happens to us, particularly me.

I have three children. I don't leave the house. All I can do is hope that one of my children says something funny so that I can report it back the next week. And pretty soon that's going to be gone. Pretty soon all they're going to be doing is playing video games and ignoring me. We need your content to keep the show going. I'd like to hear about what video games they're playing. That'd be pretty interesting.

Is this going to be like a Guinness issue where people are going to do stuff just so they could call in? I'm going to be killing chickens just so I can We hope so, frankly. We hope that you're putting yourself in danger, putting your loved ones in danger. Please do.

Yeah, do it. Making reckless life choices of all types. We hope that you're putting yourself in danger. Yep. Putting your loved ones in danger. Please do. Yeah. Do it. Making reckless life choices of all types. It'll help us kill four minutes. Particularly but not exclusively sexual. Yeah. I mean, certainly some of them should be sexual. Yeah.

But also- And also involving assassination. Some of them should involve that kind of batsuit thing. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Sure. One of those. And then you float through the air.

Yeah. More dangerous sports. It's a new type of extreme sport, Paul. Flip out of the way of a train. I don't know. Yeah, do a flip out of the way of a train. Back or front? I mean, I would prefer back, but you know what would stink?

Beggars can't be choosers. You know what would really stink? What if you get in the way of a train, you got your camera set up, you're rolling tape. Well, there's no such thing as tape anymore. Digital remember VCRs. Oh my god. Speaking of phones, I don't remember anybody's phone. I don't remember anybody I know's

phone number anymore. Remember when we knew people's addresses. So you're standing in front of the train, you're rolling tape, you're ready to do a front flip. You accidentally forget and you do a somersault. Then you look like a real asshole. I don't want to hear about it.

Then you should call Jordan Jesse Go. No, I don't want to hear about a somersault. No, I don't want to hear about somersaults. Fuck somersaults. If I believe in one thing and I don't, it's fuck somersaults. 206-9844-FUN. Like a nice winter pepper. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go

it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Paul Provenza outer loper that's fun Paul

that is fun that's a word that should exist yeah needs to also a little erotic Paul I think also a little erotic there you go That's fun, Paul. That is fun. That's a word that should exist. Yeah. Needs to. Also a little erotic. Paul, I think... Also a little erotic. Just a little bit.

Paul, I think that words that should exist could be your new hook. I think it might be. All you do is you say one, and then you just go, words that should exist. Huh? Words that should exist. Thanks, folks. I've been Paul Provenza. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're talking. words that should exist thanks folks I've been Paul Provenza come on

now we're talking Paul Provenza featured in the new documentary Dying Laughing about the sport of stand up comedy you can enjoy his documentary films including Disney's The Aristocats you can go see

Leprechaun and Vampyrechaun. You can go see his live stand-up comedy show, Set List, which is performed often at the Nerd Melt Theater here in Los Angeles and at comedy festivals around this great world. And the other world, too. Melbourne.

I'm talking about Melbourne. Melbourne. Actually, we're not there. We're in Adelaide right now. As we speak, it's taking place in Adelaide. Why are you not there? I got things to do. You got Arch Barker down there? What do you got? A Greg Barrett down there?

These are American comedians more famous in Australia. It's a thing and it's weird. Oh, there's a bunch of them. Eddie Ift. Oh, sure. Eddie Ift. Eddie Ift. Big in Australia. Can't get arrested here. Yeah. Oh, there's bunches of them. Eddie Ift. Yeah. Eddie Ift. Eddie Ift. Big in Australia.

Can't get arrested here. Yeah. Arch Barker's real funny. Yeah. He is very funny. America, wake up. Wake up and smell the Barker. One of the funniest guys.

You're shipping the comedy jobs overseas. That's not. It's a real nightmare. How you make this country great. Well, Paul Provenza, it's been such a joy to have you back on the program. Thanks for having me, guys. We think back on the program. We can't quite remember.

75%. Yeah, okay. We've got confirmation from Brian. It's been a joy to have you back on the program. There's nothing I like more than sitting in a small enclosed space with you guys. Thank you, Paul. It is the most fun thing in the world. I agree with you.

I like a good cigar. Yeah, that's nice. In a small enclosed space with you guys. We should have been lighting up. You know what this party needs? Glue. Oh, yeah. Let's head down to my Prius and I got some glues for you.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. Hey, guys. Pledge Drive's around the corner. Max Fun Drive. Yeah. March 20th. I hope you guys are going to be there for us. Max Fun.

Special Leps. Bonus Eps. Oh, I love Beps. Is this Fun Drive just for you guys or for Max Fun in general? For Maximum Fun in general. So can you earmark an appropriation to a specific show? Absolutely. You can absolutely earmark that.

I mean, I think a lot of people, it's funny, there are some people who will affirmatively earmark. So they'll say, I want my money to go to this show and this show and this show. Most people just say, as long as it doesn't go to Jordan, Jesse, I'm cool. As long as... Hey, cash is cash. Trying to starve that thing out. You know?

You know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. You got to starve it out. Okay. Hit us up on Twitter. Hashtag it JJGo. We're in the MaxFun Facebook group

and at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Having a lot of fun over there. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Always have a nice fun over there, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Always have a nice time. It's a great place to have fun. You know who I should talk about more?

Hunter Ellen Boss. Yeah? Is that a Reddit guy? Yeah. There you go. He's on Facebook, too. Hey, cool. That guy always comes through with a thoughtful post.

Man, he's on all those websites. Yeah, I should be talking more about Hunter Ellen Boss. Sorry, Rage-tacular, you're yesterday's news. Rachel Rosing. Yeah. talking more about hunter ellen boss sorry sorry rage tackler you're yesterday's news rachel rosing yeah i'll also go to r slash obscure media yeah it's a good place to see like discontinued chucky cheese robots oh that's fun that's fun you know you know what i like uh vintage audio it's just dudes posting pictures of their stereo systems but i like seeing pictures of dudes stereo systems so i'm cool seeing pictures of dudes' stereo systems. It's pretty fun to me.

A lot of fun stuff there on Reddit. You know what's not that good? R slash baseball. I love baseball, but I'm not that into it. Yeah. Why do you suppose it's not that good? Because too many people? Too many people contributing? I think a lot of the really good contributors that you would want to be on R slash baseball are already on

R slash Dragon's fucking cars. Right. So it's sort of, it's a talent siphon. Talent drain. Yeah. They're working on their animations. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

Go.