Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 474: Ham Gif with Emily Fleming

Episode Date: April 3, 2017

Writer and actress Emily Fleming joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the sincerity in the Fast and Furious franchise, home decorating in porno, and a deep dive into an obscure NSFW subreddit.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. What? Okay, I guess I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan, Jesse, go, we have insincere responses to imagined greetings. And then we chat for a while.

Yeah. I mean, can I tease some stuff that's coming up on the show? Tease that shit. And I know we don't really plan anything. So some of this might not happen. Right. But so far. Coming up later on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Here's what we got. A mystery box. Oh. And I brought a little topic that let's just just say, is a little NSFW. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah. Yeah. So lock your kids in the basement. Huh? Don't feed them.

Done and done. Don't feed them for a week. Okay. I got that covered. Jesse, it sounds like you're abusing your children. Fair enough. Yeah. I was only suggesting that the audience do it. Okay. But you've been doing it.

Sorry. That's okay. Don't call Child Protective Services. Yeah. I'm sure your children are very well fed. I feed my children literally on a daily basis. Doesn't matter if it's Sunday. That's the Lord's Day.

I still feed them. Even though the Bible says not to? Yeah. You know what? I double down. I feed them shell Even though the Bible says not to? Yeah. You know what? I double down. I feed them shellfish. Whoa. Yeah. And cloven-hoofed foods. Are you worried about wrath? I am, certainly.

That's always going to be a concern. Specifically the Lord's wrath. Well, it comes in a variety of forms. I mean, locusts certainly always a concern. Extraordinary weather events. Yeah. Bolts, lightning and otherwise.

I don't know what the, I guess crossbow would be the other category. Yeah. I mean, what is lightning but God's crossbow? God's a Ren Faire enthusiast. He's also into falconry, which, to be honest, is pretty impressive. Should we introduce our guest, and then we can get into this fucking fascinating litany of gobbledygook? Absolutely. She's a comic, actress, comic actress, comedy writer.

She's got on a great blouse. Moved here recently from New York City. To be honest, I just met her 90 seconds ago, Emily Fleming. Hi. How's it going? It's going well, Emily. Hey, cool. I love that you know what blouses are.

Yeah. Hey, you got a nice little roped shoulder on that sleeve. Yeah. I kind of had an issue. I was thinking about taking this in. Taking in the roping? Yeah, well, it's just a little poofy, but I think that it makes everything else look small. Makes you look sharp.

I would call it Paula Poundstone chic. Nice! It is 1995. Poundstone is at the height of her powers. That is what you are reminding me of, of a simpler time. I don't know if Poundstone was at the height of her powers in 1995. I think she was at the height of her powers in 1987. Okay.

Well, are we talking about her stand-up comic ticket-selling powers or her many-children-adopting powers? I guess what I would say – when were her shoulders the biggest? I'm going to say 1987. Okay. 1988. Yeah. 1988. Emily, you look like an 88-pound stone. Oh, thank you very much. She actually follows me on Twitter.

I think she follows a lot of people on Twitter, but I think when I joined, that was one of my first... Poundstone, don't follow me. My first wins on Twitter, I was like, no way. This is cool. Orlando Jones follows me on Twitter. Wow.

Very cool. Dude, I didn't get – do you guys remember a couple years ago when Taye Diggs followed everyone? I didn't get it. Diggs ain't following. I didn't get it either, man. There was a, yeah, for the listener who might not be in L.A. comedy, there was a weird rash of Taye Diggs just following every comedian. And I'm guessing what it was, was that he had hired a social media person or his people hired a social media person. He's busy.

I don't know that Taye Diggs is doing a lot of his own tweeting. Yeah. But there was just this weird thing of everyone posting, holy shit, Taye Diggs is following me. I remember. That was all that Twitter was for about nine months. Yeah. And then Batman Superman came out and everybody just started complaining about that. Right. But before Batman Superman, it was all the mystery of Taye Diggs.

And then Donald Trump became president. It's been pretty quiet since then. Yeah. Things have really settled down since then. Sure. Just wait until Justice League comes out. We're going to get a whole... Then that'll really reinvigorate Twitter for everyone, I think. I'm so exhausted from the superhero movies.

I can't get... You can't even. I can't get excited about it anymore. It is... I like a superhero movie, and I like a comic book, but it is hard when one comes out a month. Yeah. It's just it almost feels like I'm just watching a TV series on the big screen. Sure. And it's I don't know.

It's not holding my attention that well. And I don't think they're going to age well. Yeah. Because I still think CGI looks like Space Jam. Like every time it still looks like there's a cartoon, there's a real person. And that kind of makes me feel good, though, because it's going to be a little bit longer before they can replace us as actors in movies. Just a little bit longer.

Well, I feel like one of the big things going on in the world of superhero, any kind of blockbuster movie, you always have to raise the stakes up the ante with each successive sequel, right? I mean, you got Gremlins 1. Sure. Then all of a sudden, watch out. There's a new batch. Yeah. You know what I mean?

One of them's electric. Yeah. One of them has the voice of Tony Randall. You know, it's like you're in Fast and the Furious 8 or whatever it is. Sure. You've got to deal with, oh, how are we going to get these Hummers

to fight a submarine or whatever it is that's on the side of a bus right now. I feel like maybe the Transformers movies and Fast and Furious should just do what everyone wants and merge. Just merge. Yeah. It seems like it's the same shit. Mark Wahlberg belongs in those. It should be like the – what's the one? The Dispensables or what's the one where all the-

The expendables. The expendables and Fast and the Furious and Transformers should just all fucking- Now I would argue. Now hold on. I would argue that the Fast and Furious is a superior franchise. Yeah. They're doing a lot of good work. They're making it.

So Vin Diesel hits Jason Statham with two wrenches, which I like. Wait, two wrenches? Yeah. Did you see the last one? He fought him with two wrenches. I only saw number five. Yeah. That's the only one I've seen.

I did enjoy it, though. Six or seven. I forget. Jason Statham wasn't in the five, right? That might have been the one where they teased him at the end. Oh, okay. He probably didn't stay for after the credits. Wow, y'all got some deep cuts on some.

I saw Fast and the Furious 5. Fast and the Furious 5, I just wanted, the whole time I was thinking, why did we have that feeling scene? Just don't have that feeling scene. It was literally the dumbest time that I've spent in my like and certainly no one involved is equipped to do that acting like is this the paul walker thing you guys are talking about the part that i was and they slapped somebody they were like they were in brazil on a on a porch looking out over the favela talking about someone's father dying and it was the worst thing i've literally the

worst thing i've ever seen like worse than the part in jim cotta where he goes to the village of the crazies the worst thing i've ever seen in a movie and it what's crazy about it to me is nobody is there to see that. I think some people are. Really? Yes. I think if you who boy. I think that that series means a lot to the Latino community. I think it is. And I think that they I think that something that the Latino community appreciate about the fast series and also something that I actually appreciate about it, too, is that it it has it has a it has a really big heart in the center of all this dumbness.

that it is saying something about family and how it's important and it's not just your, it's not just your, you know, birth family. Yeah. Like Jordana Brewster is to Vin Diesel's character. It's reasonable that that'd be related, right?

That makes sense. But it is also the people from your world that you bring, you know, into you to help with your heists and your hacking. Right. And the family is not, you heists and your hacking. Right. And the family is not ride or die.

Right. So family, in other words, family isn't just mothers, brothers, cousins, sisters. Sure. It's not just defined by the relationship on a family tree. It's more specifically defined by what vehicular skill you possess right what specific talents you have with regard to a specific class of vehicle and i will argue that i don't think those scenes are good right but they they set that series apart from your dead pools and your guardians of the galaxies which are like and check this shit out, right? Come on. I think that the – I appreciate the sincerity.

Okay. So I'm getting back to my original premise here. Yeah. Which is I didn't get to see the new Wolverine movie, which I hear is quite good. And I would like to go see that. I was playing briefly at the movie theater by my house. It's gone now. What? I know. Fast turnover. That was playing briefly at the movie theater by my house. It's gone now. What? I know. Fast

turnover. That was quick. Fast turnover for movies that nine-year-olds should not be seeing, but for some reason are seeing at the movie theater by my house. But I would say the last few super movies I've gone to, superhero movies I've gone to, the main problem with them,

too many guys. Why are there so many guys? It's just like 12 guys crashing into each other at all times through the course of the film. And then everyone has one thing they say. Like Black Canary goes like, what can I say? I'm like a canary in a coal mine. And then that has to do with like...

It's actually a good line. Something, and then people stand up and applaud. They're like, yeah, she fucking said her thing. That's my girl, Black Canary. What's Black Canary in? I don't know what that is. It's a DC character who hasn't been in a movie yet. That's what I thought.

Yeah, I knew the character was... What's Scarlett Johansson called? Black Widow. Black Widow, okay. Yeah, I was like kind of stoked there for a minute. I was like, which movie is Black Canary in? Yeah, sorry. That's kind I thought. Yeah, I knew the character was. What's Scarlett Johansson called? Black Widow. Black Widow. Okay. Yeah, I was like kind of stoked there for a minute. I was like, which movie is Black Canary in? Yeah. Sorry.

That's kind of cool. Ideally, when they do the Birds of Prey movie, Black Canary will be in that and she'll be good. There was things as a kid that I kind of wanted to play. Like Emma Frost was one in Black Canary and then Harley Quinn. But I don't think that's going to happen. But I think you're close. Yeah. I mean, you're writing for at midnight.

Sure. Sure. I'm just like that's two degrees away, man. Yeah. I mean, that Margot Robbie was writing for right before she got Suicide Squad. I knew it. You actually are sitting at her desk. Oh, Jesus.

So I wonder. That's why it smells like enchilada farts. You would not believe what Robbie orders for lunch. It's like, come on. Gross, Margo. Does it need to be enchiladas every night? You ordered enchiladas again? Yeah. Can you at least change?

Can you get enchiladas rojos one night and enchiladas verdes the next night? Just to change up the farts slightly. We just want some variation in the farts. A little twist on the old tooteroonies. Tooteroonies. Here's a little bit of fun that I think has been lost from the world of superhero movies. Yeah, let's hear it. I think the best-

Wait, can I guess what it is? Yeah. Fun in general? Yeah, fun in general. Anything fun happening? Yeah. Fun in general? Yeah. Fun in general. Anything fun happening? Yeah. I think that one of the coolest things to happen in a superhero movie was at the end of that Iron Man movie where you're watching it and you're like, hey, that Iron Man movie was pretty good. I didn't expect that.

You think that first one was the one that set this whole shitstorm in motion? I think that first Iron Man movie is what started it. So here's what was cool. And then, so, okay. So I was like, I don't know if I'll see that Iron Man movie. I don't care about Iron Man. My friends were like, see it. It's pretty good.

And hey, see it all after the credits. I'm like, okay, I'll do it. Hey, that Iron Man movie's pretty good. Oh, here I have to say it's after the credits. Holy shit, they're going to do an Avengers movie. And that's a great, that was one of the most fun things that's happened to me in a movie theater.

But now, you know about the movie fucking five years before it comes out. That's true. You're watching teasers, you're watching trailers, you're watching teasers

for trailers, you're watching five second sizzle clips. Wasn't there a whole comic book kind of film phase like in the 70s and 80s? When was like the – You're talking about when the Dolph Lundgren Punisher movie came out.

No, when was the Christopher Reeves era for Superman? Oh, sure, 80s. Yeah, and then wasn't there like an attempt at some Spider-Man movies happening and they were kind of shitty? There was like some weird like late 70s superhero movies that were made because like someone broke into an office and stole some bearer bonds and then was holding those They were like tax shelters.

disappeared. Yeah. And then the Batman movies just were just going on for a long, long time. Sure.

There was just like a lot of that going on and then Marvel was like I guess, you know, we can get in on this. But it's, yeah, I loved all of the Batman movie franchises. They were super, every single rubber nipple, one of them. Oh, okay. You even like the controversial Schumacher campy Batmans.

I love all of them. I think they're all great. I think they're all fun in their own way. And the Dark Knight thinks it's the best, but you know, it's, they're all great. I think they're all fun in their own way. And The Dark Knight thinks it's the best. But, you know, they're all the best. So you'll take a Schumacher over a Nolan, is what you're saying? Yeah, I don't know. I think the first one, the first Nolan one was pretty great. Begins. Yeah. Yeah, I was into it. And then whichever one Heath Ledger was in, fantastic. And then after that, I was kind of like, eh. Now they are three and a half hours long.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. And Christian Bale, for me, is probably the least charismatic of all of the people to play him. So there was no fun. I think that Michael Caine is who saved the whole fucking thing. Yeah. And Morgan Freeman, because they had like, you know, they were interesting. They're more interesting than Christian Bale. Guys, I think we've had the requisite podcast. Are we growing out of superhero movies conversation that every that every podcast needs to have? It's taken off the air. Have you guys done anything at the Grove lately?

Right. Yeah. What are our favorite anything at the Grove lately? Right. Yeah. What are our favorite Nintendo games that we remember? Should we get into this mystery box? Yeah, let's get into this mystery box. Okay. There's a story behind this mystery box. Let's do this.

Let's take a quick break. When we come back, mystery box. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, Jordan, we've got sponsors on this week's program. I'd love to hear about them.

Yeah, it's like we're professional podcasters. Oh, boy. Don't tell our sponsors. We've tricked them podcasters. Oh, boy. Don't tell our sponsors. We've tricked them. First up. Oh, Jordan. I got to lie down. You know why?

I got myself a Casper. Nice. A Casper mattress? You got it, buddy. A Casper mattress. That's a premium mattress at a fraction of the price. So this is a mattress that you order online. Yeah.

And they ship it to your house in some sort of magic space box. Exactly. I mean, that's exactly. It's sort of like it writes upside down underwater on butter. I think you're thinking of a space pen. Oh, got it. This is a space box where you get a Casper mattress from. Yeah, it's wrapped up in like a plastic thing and then you cut open the plastic thing and then it just sort of expands outward like one of those dinosaur capsules that you would drop into water that would turn into a dino sponge.

Man, think about how awesome it would be if you could sleep on one of those. This is like that. It's like sleeping on a dino capsule. It is a really wonderful mattress. I've got one at my house, and I'm super happy with it. You can try it for 100 days. It delivers free to the United States and Canada, and they will take it back if you don't like it. It's made in America, and there's a special offer for Jordan and Jesse Go listeners.

Oh, man, this is great. If you want to try one of these Casper mattresses for 100 days, and if you want 50 bucks off, you go to Casper.com slash JJGo, and you use the promo code JJGo at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Yeah. Get yourself a Casper. Hey, Jordan, Casper mattresses. I got to lie down. I like that we're coming up with slogans for our sponsors unprompted. I think from now on, all our sponsors get new slogans.

I think, yeah. It's called creative in the industry. I mean, I'm sure they pay agencies tons of money to come up with these things. Hacks. For our small, modest fee, we will not only advertise your product on our podcast, but we will come up with a bad slogan. Okay. The Fall of the House of Sunshine also sponsors this week's program.

It is a serialized musical comedy podcast. It's written by award-winning playwright Jonathan Goldman. Can I take a crack at the slogan? Yeah. The fall of the house of sunshine, I gotta wear shades. Ha ha! Yeah, now we're talking.

So, this is a musical comedy podcast. It's about a children's show host who is murdered by bullets, fired through a rip in space time. Straight through a rip in space time? Yeah, I know. It's a tale as old as time, Jesse.

This is a classic podcast format. Podcasts have been around for 12 years. For 12 years, there have been serialized musical comedies. We've heard all of your favorites. Once Upon a Mattress. It's a silly, fun

comedy. Each episode is 15 minutes long and contains three original songs per episode. Go to podmusical.com to learn more and subscribe. That's The Fall of the House of Sunshine at podmusical.com. The Fall of the House of Sunshine.

I gotta wear shades. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris,

boy detective. I'm Emily Fleming, man. Yeah, that's pretty solid. Yeah. All right. Oh,

that was actually Matthew McConaughey's nickname when he came in. So you might have to think of a new one by the next segment. Also, can you lose the hand drums? Because he already did that. He did the hand drums. Am I making noise with my hands? No, just Matthew McConaughey already did the hand drums when he was in there. Oh, that's right.

Anyway, so we, I've been teasing this mystery box. Yeah. This came in the mail. Okay. Here's how it works. If you send us something at Maximum Fun World Headquarters, we'll open it. We don't want it. First rule.

Don't send anything. First rule. But. We don't want it. Okay. That's number one. Whatever it is, we don't want it. Second rule.

What we'll do is we gave it to Nick Liao, who's manning the boards this week. We said, take a look in here. Tell us if it's anything. Because we want to have a sense of surprise, but we don't want to have a sense of profound disappointment when it's not anything. Sure. And I don't want it to be my wife's head. Oh, boy. Do you remember when that happened?

That was a bummer. Yeah. That was a bummer. Yeah. That was a shitty episode. Yeah, and I personally don't like that that private moment when a man discovers that Kevin Spacey has cut off his wife's head and mailed it to him is immortalized on the podcast. Because personally, I'm one of those people who doesn't like to put it all out there. Do you remember that time? I like to have a private side of myself. Do you remember that time? Speaking of weird episodes of the show.

Yeah. You wouldn't necessarily remember this, Emily. I don't know how careful of a listener you've been. But do you remember that time when Joe Pesci was on the show? We got eight heads sent to us in a duffel bag? Yeah, yeah. That was after we had such a big hit with our Pulp Fiction episode that people were kind of trying to imitate that style. They wanted that kind of like edgy, talky, you know, pop culture references, reviving the careers of charismatic but underutilized actors. You guys ever seen Moonwalker?

The Michael Jackson movie? Fuck yeah, man. Yeah, hell yeah, I've seen Moonwalker. I've seen it so many times. I love that movie so much. Yeah, Moonwalker's great. Have you played the Sega Genesis game at all? No, no.

You kill people with dancing? Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, do you remember Joe Pesci was like the villain of Moonwalker? Yeah, and he turned into a robot and then a plane. Well, at first he just looked like an enthusiastic spider owner, but, like, with a pretty sweet ponytail and cool sunglasses, but who hated kids. But, yeah, I think it's arguably his best role. Moonwalker, I mean, that's an argument that he'd probably be willing to have a few. I think the most interesting thing about Moonwalker is that it exists. Sure.

Oh, yeah. Like Michael Jackson was so popular and rich that he could make an action movie that was in between a short film and a movie. that was in between a short film and a movie. Well, don't you think that that's like the lemonade of Michael Jackson's career? Like it's kind of the same thing. Did it come out in theaters? I think it did. I think it might have.

The biggest tantrum or the biggest tantrum I ever threw that I can remember. And, you know, it's one of those things where you look back on, like, how you acted as a kid, and you're like, ah, boy, I really, you know, I really made my parents miserable in that instance. Ugh. And I'm, like, embarrassed about it. All right. I don't know how old I was, but the biggest tantrum I threw as a kid was when I asked my mom to rent Moonwalker, and she came back with Moonraker, the Bond movie, and I was a real dick about it. Because I wanted to see Moonwalker and she came back with Moonraker the Bond movie and I was a real dick about it because I wanted to see Moonwalker not Moonraker I didn't want to see a boring ass

70s Bond movie they probably just didn't have it I think she just had that kind of classic mom thing of getting the title of something slightly wrong you didn't want to watch that VHS tape of the making of crullers. Yeah.

Creeping crull maker. Okay, what's in the goddamn box? When you're in the industry, you just call them crulls. Got it. What's in the box? What's in the goddamn box? What's in the box? So we got this box.

Does it say who it's from? This is from the Curiosity from Berwyn Avenue in Chicago. So this says- That's better than that time we got that package from North American anthrax and such. By the way, I cannot wait for the DC movie where they finally introduce The Curiosity. My favorite Jack Kirby character. Is that just the Riddler's pocket pussy? Yes, the curiosity.

Riddle me this, Batman. How do I clean this thing? It's filled with my jizz. So we have a hot dog bun in a plastic bag. Here, I'll let you pass that around. Oh, thank you. It's a seated hot dog bun in a plastic bag. Here, I'll let you pass that around. Oh, thank you. It's a seeded hot dog bun. A shallot in a plastic bag.

Why the fuck is someone sending us a shallot? It's a relish in a tiny jar. Oh, I know what they're doing. I know what this is about. This is Sport Peppers. This is Sport Peppers, the famous Chicago Nightmare. This is Chicago Nightmare. It's like Goat Pepper.

No, look at the color that it is. Oh, this is fucking molded. Okay, there's a moldy tomato that is seriously covered in fucking mold and it smells. Thanks a lot, The Curiosity. To be fair, it does kind of look like a pocket pussy. This box has probably been sitting on my desk for two weeks. Do not send us fresh foods. I think this is something how to make your own Chicago hot dog. Yeah, this is a make your own Chicago hot dog kit. Some of it is rotten. You know what I would say? You're going to send perishables, right? Perishable on it. Sure.

And then here are two fabrics. If you want to touch this fabric here. Emily, here's a fabric for you. So this is a square of brown, ultra suede-like fabric. Well, it's longer than ultra suede. All right. It's definitely a polyester. It's like a polyester fake fur, maybe.

I don't know. I just feel like this whole thing is like a gypsy curse. Why did you have us open this, Nick? This is how AIDS started. This is fucking terrifying. So it says,

join us for opening day at the Curiosity. Cubs versus Cardinals. Make your own Chicago hot dogs. Some assembly required. Oh, I'm a Cardinals fan. Is this just a buzz marketing

for something? It is buzz marketing for something. Fuck. We walked right into their goddamn trap. Is there a real hot dog in there? There is. There's a real hot dog in here. Sport Peppers.

It is vacuum packed. Yeah. They just meant to send this to Jimmy Pardo. Oh, boy. They meant to send it. They were getting Pardo's. Now our whole studio smells like week old hot dogs. This is worse than we had Margot Robbie in here. Oh, boy. They meant to send it. They were getting Pardo's. Now our whole studio smells like week old hot dogs. This is worse than we had Margot Robbie in here.

Oh, boy. Fucking Margot Robbie and her fucking fajita farts. Oh, my God. This is the worst. Let's come back in a second and we'll get into this NSFW conversation. Okay. All right. This is disgusting.

Yeah. Don't send us these things. We'll be back in just a second. I'll tell you just a second. I'll be back in just a second. Yeah. How do British people pronounce Edinburgh, Leicester, or Norwich? Not like that. Are you tired of getting your world news from reliable sources, often with no puns or sexual innuendo? Why was there a butcher's hat haunting Coronation Street? What's Coronation Street, and why is Dave Holmes obsessed with it? International Waters pairs a team of comedians in L.A.

against a team of comedians in London in a pop culture battle royale. Join us once a fortnight to hear the best comedians in the world trade jokes and stories and maybe even learn something at the same time. International Waters with me, Dave Holmes. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Emily Fleming, human woman. I mean, it's not a lie. Yeah. As far as I can tell. That was actually Val Kilmer's nickname when he was in here. Sorry to keep doing this to you. Sorry, bud.

That's all right. That's all right. Sorry, Emily. Bad news. You'll get it. You'll get it by the end. You'll find a nickname. We'll give you another shot at it. That one of the. That's all right. Sorry, Emily. Bad news. You'll get it. You'll get it by the end. You'll find a nickname. We'll give you another shot at it.

That one of the 90s hunks hasn't already taken. Hey, can I say a quick thank you? Please. I want to say a thank you to everybody who donated during the Max Fund Drive. Yeah. Thank you so much. It was a very successful drive. Truly awe-inspiring.

Thanks to everybody who watched our live stream, found out all the winners to JJ Go Big Hat. Thanks to everybody on our Blue Ribbon Commission who determined the winners. Thanks to everybody who made it possible or didn't make it possible because frankly we're recording this on Thursday evening for us to go to the Grand Canyon to record an episode of the show.

So an episode of a show. A super show. Sure. Thank you. You're all very wonderful. And also I should mention this as well to thank you you're all very wonderful and also I should mention this as well to thank you we're putting some of the

special stuff that we recorded at very very fun day into the donors bonus feed including the battle royale you participated in the battle royale

battle royale was a lot of fun probably too drunk to be on stage at that point yeah that's exactly what we were looking for yeah

it is I hope it's a hoot, and I hope I didn't say anything awful. Yeah. Please listen and tell me I didn't say anything awful. Thanks to everybody who donated. You can, of course, always donate at MaximumFun.org slash donate,

but we especially thank everybody who made it happen for us in the MaxFunDrive. You're all the best. Jordan, what is your hot topic here? Okay, two hot topics. Number one. I think I've mentioned this before, what is your hot topic here? Okay. Two hot topics. Number one. I think I've mentioned this before. Marilyn Manson t-shirt.

Yeah. Number two, tiny TARDIS hat. You got it. I think I've mentioned before that there's a guy at work with a utila kilt. I don't know if you have mentioned this. Can you explain to me what the difference between just a kilt and a utila kilt is? Pockets, I think. I think roughly speaking. A kilt, you know, that's Highland garb.

I know what a kilt is. Right. What makes it utilitarian? A kilt is a traditional garment used for traditional purposes by people of Scotland and in certain sort of ceremonial situations, people of Scottish descent, like weddings and stuff. Right. So I think it's for offending people on a windy day. Yeah.

So that's what a standard kilt is for. A utila kilt is often made of like heavy cotton duck, like a heavy canvas fabric, and it has cargo pockets on it. Awesome. And a guy who's really into multi-tools wants to tell you about it. Yeah. And this- And Dr. Martens.

And I think this man does work in a field where you need multi-tools. Right. So I think there is a functional element to the Utila kilt. He's also a very nice man, always very smiley. I would call his vibe young Santa. So I'm in my – and I have talked about my secret bathroom at work. Yeah. The bathroom that plays Coast 103.9.

Yeah. Jordan has a secret bathroom. You can't know about this because you work at the same office as Jordan. But Jordan has a secret bathroom that's super chill that he likes to go to. Oh, I'm really upset about this. They play the radio. It's nicely air conditioned. And I'm not around anyone that I work with.

So I can blast out a Margot Robbie in the toilet. Every time I go full Margot Robbie, the worst people come in and, like, hang out next to me. And then, I mean, my shoes are very. Fleming, I know you haven't been there long. You've got to get a secret bathroom. You've got to get a secret bathroom. And I would say two things. If you've got the worst people coming in, impossible.

Say two things. Number one, get yourself a secret bathroom. But if you can't do that, in the meantime, station somebody at the door. So that way, if Hardwick comes in, they can give you a signal. Well, it's not Hardwick. It's other women. But it's, I mean,

it's like, I don't think dudes really give a shit. About poops and stuff? About shit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't, that's the only-

I do. I don't want to get involved in anyone else's poops. You don't want to smell a co-worker's poops. No way. You don't know. I don't know. I do. I don't want to get involved in anyone else's poops. You don't want to smell a co-worker's poops. No way. You don't. I don't even like that I poop. I would prefer not to. Yeah, I do, but I don't care for it. And I have sugar-free Red Bull poops.

So that's like, you think Margot Robbie's are bad. Shit, man. There's some taurine in there. Filled with taurine. You. Yeah. They're filled with taurine. You got to keep Hardwick out of that bathroom. So, in my secret bathroom, guess who comes waltzing in? Oh, Jesus. Utilio Kilk guy.

Oh, Jesus. Is this a multi-stall bathroom? It's a multi-stall bathroom, two urinals. Okay. Of course, Utilio Kilk guy gives me a fucking huge smile and a wave because he's a nice guy. Well, he's happy to see you because he's a nice man and you're a nice guy. Sure. Two nice guys.

Yeah. I mean. You usually wear Utility Kilt at work. Yeah. So he knows your kindred spirit. So he gives me a nice high and he goes up to the urinal and I immediately realize that I have never thought about how people piss in those. And I just wanted to know all about it. They go down.

But I couldn't. They're like knee length, right? Yeah, they are long. So I could, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. And then the kilt is long too. Yeah. I mean, part of me wanted to. You fellas have some big old dogs.

So how do you guys think it happens? Do you? I think there's a little hole behind the cargo pocket. The cargo pocket's in the front. So there's a little. It's like a boxer short. There's like a little glory hole in the, and you slip that through there and then up over the top of the cargo pocket with the flap right on top and do your business right into

that urinal. Yep. I figure you just curtsy like a little girl. Oh, okay. So you just do a deep knee. You hold on to a tree and lean back. Do a little curtsy. Yeah.

And squat. Hmm. I mean, I'm very curious about the logistics. I mean, it seems that number twos, I mean, I can picture that. Yeah, sure. You just flap it up over the cliff. Oh, it's icy. Like a jimbery parachute.

You don't think he gathers the material and holds it? I think he, yeah, I think it's like- Just so? Yeah, I think it's like when a Victorian lady reclines on a picnic blanket. Or does side saddle. Yeah, right, exactly. I think he recedes down into it like a turtle's head receding into its shell until all the light is colored as it passes through the kilt. And he's in a sort of secret tent of his own that he's created for his secret movement.

This sounds like a Michel Gondry movie that's going to come out. The world inside my utilikilt. Kyle Garcia Bernal is so fucking good at it. Cue Arcade Fire. Right, yes. And then 10 minutes of xylophone-based rock music. You know what? I think it's nothing I like more than xylophone-heavy rock music.

I think that you are absolutely right, Emily. I think I actually stole that from a Michel Gondry script. I just read the first draft of a – it's also the last draft of this new Michel Gondry movie. He wrote it in 10 minutes and I read it and he's going to make a feature film out of it. It's got a lot of inventive imagery. Sorry for the spoilers, everybody. Bjork is starring. Okay.

So if you're a Utilico enthusiast, I'd like to know how you pee. Can I get into this NSFW thing? That's not the NSFW thing? No, that was pretty safe for work compared to what I got. Okay. This is going to get a little blue. Oh, wow.

I think you remember we had some fun a while back with a random internet site or an internet site, rather, that generates random porn search terms. Okay. So you look at this site and it just shows a... It has no pornography on it, but it just shows a scrolling list of porn that people are searching for.

Right. Of what they're typing into the search bar. At that moment? At that moment. Okay. Real time. Uh-huh. And, you know, every tenth thing will be hilarious and baffling.

Right. So, you know, you get – Boobs. Boobs. But, you know, you get boobs, butts, big butts, big boobs, name of porn star. And then you'll get something like understanding therapist. Something that is so specific or snake crawl into pussy. Oh, Jesus. Or snake crawl into pussy. Oh, Jesus. And it will forever be the greatest thing in the world.

Teenest Japan. Wait, what'd you say? Teenest Japan? What's teenest? I don't know. Is it just a teen penis? I don't know. I hope I'm not laughing at something that is awful and illegal.

Yeah. It sounds illegal. It does. It sounds like a teen penis. Yeah. Teenish anyway. Oh, it could be a teen penis. It's a portmanteau. Or it's a teeny tiny penis. It could be a teen, which is more fun. It's a teeny penis. Wait a minute.

Do you think it's related to a teen witch? Teen witch? Do you think someone just misspelled teen witch Japan? The Japanese remake of Teen Witch that they also want to masturbate to? Top that. Yeah. Okay.

So we had a lot of fun with that. I think I found a new website for random hilarious NSFW material. Fantastic. You guys know about ask reddit right yeah ask reddit is a sub reddit on reddit uh where people say like hey if you've ever worked retail what's the worst thing that someone has ever said to you at the counter right and then people answer like if you're a plumber what do plumbers know about plumbing prices that regular Joes just don't or whatever? Sure.

Cool. And this is an active subreddit. There's a lot of action here. People are sharing the secrets of plumbing. Sure. Ask Reddit NSFW that is a weird, sparsely populated ghost town where people are just yelling their fetishes into the void. Okay. So this is people posting these ultra-specific sex questions. Ask Reddit NSFW.

And it's not like people aren't answering them a lot. So it's just these kind of floating questions with no conversation attached to them. This is really sad sounding. All right. Let's get to it. Come on. I'm excited. Maybe because no one is discussing these.

I don't know if anybody has any thoughts. Maybe we could come up with some answers. First one. This is a public service we're doing. Anyone know how to find adult videos? That one I cannot help with. Yeah, but I've never seen one. I've heard that they exist.

Wow. It's tough. They don't have them at Blockbuster. That's the thing. I get all my videos at Blockbuster. They don't have any adult videos. Sometimes they'll have like an Emmanuel, but the sex parts are edited out. It's an R-rated version.

like an Emmanuel, but the sex parts are edited out. It's an R-rated version. Do you think that they mean pornographic videos or just adult videos with it like Howard Zandt?

I think this person is trolling is what it sounds like. It's being very condescending and like no doy. So let's get to the dirty shit. Okay.

This is... Have you seen the piano? It's pretty adult. Very adult. The piano with Holly Hunter? Very adult. Yeah? It's pretty adult. Very adult. The Piano with Holly Hunter? Very adult. It is very adult.

It has some mature themes about loss. Shakespeare in Love? Mm-hmm. It's about knowing laughs. If you like having fingers, you're going to love The Piano. I'm sure. There you go. Okay, here's one that I genuinely don't get.

This is a phrase that has a question mark at the end. Stunt cock narration porn? Question mark? What is... This has no comments attached to it. I think I know what this is. This has no one answered this. I think I know what this is.

Okay. Let me take a swig of my white wine in my... Do you have white wine in a water bottle? Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Cool. I sure as shit do i didn't know that was going on congratulations thank you it was you're officially our funnest guest oh 100

um i came in here i rode here in a bmw driven by a very hot woman yeah i'm drinking white wine in the back it was uh that's living yeah Yeah. Am I Alicia Silverstone yet? You've really taken to this L.A. lifestyle. I know you haven't been here that long, but you're really like – Well, I'm usually just doing this on the subway in New York. So, I mean, this is kind of an upgrade, I guess. Fair enough. So what's stunt cock narration porn?

Stunt cock narration, I think, is sometimes – not a lot of times they show the dude that is in the porno. Usually it's just the woman and then there's the penis and out and out. Yeah. They want kind of a director's commentary. Well, we want the guy to be talking about, like, I want to hear some dirty talk from the guy to know he's enjoying it at least. Most of the time it's just the woman just, you know, causing a ruckus. Sure. With her fucking...

Going to town. Just like... Wait, so... Carrying on. The weird dudes whose faces we see in pornography films... Uh-huh. ...are actors, traditional actors,

cast for their looks and acting ability, but then they bring in stunt cocks for the sex parts? Well, I'm pretty sure all men in porn are just stunt cocks. You never see the dude. It's always the woman and then the dude just like his penis. But I need to know that the dude is having a good time, so I want to hear some narration, some play-by-play. This is a person who wants to hear

from that. Yeah, I think I would like the same. Is this like a... Is he narrating... Is the narration diegetic or extra-diegetic? Is it coming from his mouth?

Is this his inner monologue or not? Is it coming from his mouth as it opens and closes or is it running past us sort of like him telling us about his childhood? It's like a Daniel Stern voiceover in Wonder Years. Exactly. No, I think it's just him probably telling her what he wants to do or like, you know, that's good because, you know. Where they're going to go after this. Yeah. How much he values his white T-shirt he's still wearing. Right. Got it. you know. Where they're going to go after this. Yeah. How much he values his white T-shirt he's still wearing.

Right. Got it. You know. His lucky fucking T-shirt. Sure. I. Yeah. You don't have an LFT?

I don't have an LFT. Yeah. I get one, Jordan. Jeez, man. That's why I'm married and you're not. I can't do the white T-shirts and the porn. I gotta leave after that. I can't.

That's the final straw for you? Like in porn, fuck you, like already. But if you're going to think that the white t-shirt is doing something for you, it's just insulting, I think. How do you feel about overweight 12-year-olds at public pools? They can keep the t-shirts on. They can keep the t-shirts on. They can keep the t-shirts on. I mean, it's not helping them, but it's like, you know, whatever makes you feel comfortable at the pool.

You don't have to get off to that. Yeah. I also, I feel weird. I also don't like it in a pornography where someone has one weird article of clothing on. Yeah. Well, I mean, the woman with shoes on is pretty hot. Like, for some reason.

Yeah, I understand, you know understand a woman accessorizing. For some reason, women with shoes on, it's even to me kind of sexy. Sure. But the dude with the tube socks on can be shot in broad daylight. Like I don't – the tube socks, it's like go fuck yourself. Like I don't – the tube socks, it's like go fuck yourself. The main thing that upsets me about pornography is in quote-unquote homemade pornography, I'm like, man, did you not like put some stuff away before you shoot the porn? Oh, yeah. Like clean up a little bit.

Absolutely. Like get some art. You know what I mean? Like I'm like – The bare wall is very distracting. Get some art. That's what you could say to all dudes anywhere. I think that that's, I kind of like it

because that's kind of, you know, that's real for me too. Also, sometimes something's on the television. I've never seen that before. Sometimes things are on the television or you can hear construction. What is this? Why is something running on the television or you can hear construction. What is this?

Why is something running on the – why are you watching Friends right now? So, Emily, you mentioned that there's this kind of porn where you don't see the man. You just see the penis part of the man. Yeah. I – listen, I was searching for something else. And I clicked on one of these videos. Uh-huh. And it's a, you know, it's a point of view thing.

One of these videos, you're talking about pornographic videos? Pornographic videos. And it featured a very, very attractive woman. Uh-huh. And it's set in bed. Were you looking looking what were you searching for pornographic 3d videos yes exactly i was so pretty for something i could watch in my oculus rift got it um it's a very this very attractive woman it's kind of like that it kind of starts with her like waking up and she's talking to you the viewer okay she's like oh boy

yeah oh um up kind of early huh she's like you know uh if, yeah. Up kind of early, huh? She's like, you know, if you don't mind being a little bit late to work, we could. I'm just really enjoying how you're toying with the microphone right now. Yeah. I'm in character right now. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you break character.

And it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Like you can kind of the setup of this is that this is like this is a couple. And they like sleep. You know, this is a couple. And they sleep. That's nice. This is their house. It's romantic. It's romantic.

And I think it kind of gives you that nice, familiar relationship feel. It's like, oh, boy, if you don't mind being a little bit late for work, maybe we could fool around a little bit. It's really nice. It's sweet. And then, you know, some like pre-sex fooling around starts. And then she says, you know, this is good for us because, as you know, as you know, this is really good for us because, as you know, we've been trying to get pregnant. Hey, that's my search.

Yeah. So I really appreciated that. That's amazing. You just described my search. That is always, cream pie is always my search because it's the thing I cannot do. Because you like thinking that the couple is going to be amazing. No, because that's the thing that I can't do. That's like the thing that just you're not, if you don't want to have kids, you're not supposed to do it.

Oh, sure. And that makes it kind of exciting. Okay, I got two more NSFWs. I think we figured out stunt cock narration porn. Cool. Where to come and what to do. Where to come and what to do. This also has no comments on it.

So no one is helping this guy out. Okay. Poor girl. Certainly south of the Mason-Dixon. Yeah. That's my first rule. Okay. Nah, I don't think so.

In the mighty Mississippi? Yeah. That's where you want to blast. In the waters of the mighty Mississippi. Certainly so. You pass through Missouri, the gateway to the west. This sounds like a Midwestern boy. This doesn't sound like a Southern boy. Southern boys are disgusting. They will fuck a cow.

They will fuck a bale of hay. They will fuck a pickup truck. But this is a guy from Minneapolis. I think he's from Michigan or something like that. And he's got a nice mom who's a little too nice and just won't fuck off. But, yeah, no, that sounds like somebody who's a little too nice and just won't fuck off. But yeah, no, that sounds like somebody who's just kind of – I don't think he's trying to figure out what to do to fuck. I think he's just trying to do it like where to come and then how do I like solve it. This guy seems like he needs all the information. He just doesn't know anything. Do you think he's in that program that they put NBA draftees in before they let them be in the league?

I think so. I think they're like, yeah, they got a guy come in to tell them how to be a man, where to come and how to do it. Where to come and what to do. What to do with their money so they don't spend all their money before their playing days end. Yeah, sure. Investments. Did you read the article about they got a guy that comes to that thing who tells all the players that when they have sex with a lady, they should always bring home the condom.

This is real. Yeah. This is a real thing that a billion dollardollar industry is teaching 18-year-olds. Well, I mean, I don't know. I think if I was a dude, I would appreciate that information as well. Hanging onto that condom? Yeah. I mean, there's women.

We've got, like, a whole list of shit. But that's the one thing. If you're going to be a guy who doesn't want to be paying child support. I put all of mine in a little scrapbook. I'm just crazy about scrapbooking. I'm crazy about scrapbooking. It's not about women potentially impregnating themselves. It's about a keepsake.

Yeah. Oh, is that what it is? It's like when Derek Jeter was sending women home with an autographed Derek Jeter baseball in his black car. Oh, but I thought that he sent them like the same gift basket every day. It was a gift basket with a Derek Jeter autograph in his black car. Oh, but I thought that he sent them like the same gift basket every day. It was a gift basket with a Derek Jeter autographed baseball in it. Oh, well, that's just condescending. It's spectacular.

What a monster. Final NSFW. Yeah. I'm looking for a ham gif. Dot, dot, dot. And nothing. Nothing. I'm looking for a ham gif.

What does this mean? What is a ham gif? I don't even know. Are you talking about a ham jif? Because it's pronounced jif. All right. Well, gif or jif. I also say gif.

I say gif, too. It's better. I think saying gif is better. Me, too. Jif is correct, but gif is better. Wait, what? I thought gif was correct. Jif is correct. What does it stand, but GIF is better. Wait, what? I thought GIF was correct. I guess the creator of-

What does it stand for? I don't know. It's a type of peanut butter. Yeah. No, I thought it- I want to hear about Utila Kilt peeing. I don't want to hear about what GIF means or GIF or why we should pronounce it one way. We need a new person for people to tweet at.

Yeah. So we've been doing Chuck Woolery for a while. Yeah, we were doing Chuck Woolery. When people correct us, we like to redirect them. So if you have a correction for Jordan Jesse Go, about anything that happened on Jordan Jesse Go, your natural inclination might be to tweet Jordan or I. Okay. We were using various presidential candidates, but there's not really a presidential race going on right now. So then we recently switched to Chuck Woolery. Mm-hmm. I mean, I guess we should go ahead and- But there's not really a presidential race going on right now. So we recently switched to Chuck Woolery.

I mean, I guess we should go ahead and – Paula Poundstone? Yeah, Paula Poundstone. Just pound it out to Paula Poundstone. I don't think she's on Twitter. Let Paula – yeah. She is on Twitter. Yeah, she follows you on Twitter. That's right.

But she's a very nice lady. Leave her alone. She knows people we know. We shouldn't pick Paula Poundstone. No, let's not do Paula Poundstone. Don't do that. Okay, hold on. Let's take a little break.

Oh, Papa John. Yeah, there you go. The guy who owns Papa John. Perfect. Papa John from Papa John's. Tweet all corrections at Papa John. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hey, MaxFun community. This is your friend, Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and a bunch of other stuff.

I am a longtime member, supporter, and devoted follower of Maximum Fun. And now finally I have my own podcast on the network. It's called Magic Lessons, and it is me coaching people through their creative issues and problems. This season we have some amazing creators that we're helping through their joys and struggles of making something out of nothing. And then I bring in special guests like Glennon Doyle Melton, Brandon Stanton, Martha Beck, the poet Mark Nepo,

Michael Ian Black, Sarah Sarah Jones Gary Sheingart these amazing friends of mine to come and help coach these people so that they can get their work done I hope you'll tune into it it's called Magic Lessons

and it's all about love love love love love love love love

love it's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne the voice of the millennial generation wait a minute what? Jesse Thorne king of of the millennial generation Wait a minute What? Jesse Thorne, king of dads

Jordan Morris, boy detective Emily Fleming Character from Candyland game Fuck, Emily, I am so sorry That was Matthew Modine's Yeah, Matthew Modine already used that one Oh man Sorry about that

Yeah Good head of hair, that guy Zero for three He does have a nice head of hair. Very hunky. The best. Very, very hunky. What kind of white wine you got in that water bottle?

When you're cooking up a white wine water bottle to come do a podcast. Sauvignon Blanc? Yep. Every time. Tell us about the notes. I'd say it's about a three-week-old bottle of wine that I forgot I had. And I just threw it in for good measure. Anything buttery in there?

I don't know what that means. What would it pair well with? We're talking about notes. We're talking about wine notes. Getting a little apricot in there. I don't know. A little bit of coconut water from the bottle. No, this is like I went to the gym earlier, and this is the alkaline antioxidant water bottle I had at the bottle. No, this is like, I went to the gym earlier and this is the

alkaline antioxidant water bottle I had at the gym. Then I threw a little bit of wine in here just to have for myself. And anytime you're at the gym you've got to worry about those free radicals. It's only those free radicals. You need those antioxidants. I'd pair this with

probably a little bag of Twizzlers. A little Twizzler bag. Strawberry or cherry? Oh, fuck the cherry, man. Just pure strawberry. I don't want to know I'm eating a candle. Right.

I just want it to... You want it to kind of sneak up on you. Yeah. You want to be laying in bed at night and realize, oh, I ate a candle. Yeah. You ought to be laying in bed at night and realize, oh, I ate a candle. Yeah. Got it. Got it. Okay, when something momentous happens to you like you realize you ate a candle, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN

for our segment Momentous Occasions. That number again, 206-984-4FUN. Jordan, where should people program that into? Their phones. Yeah. Don't be a dumbass. Put it in your phone. So that way when it happens, you got it right there.

You're all set. You're not accidentally calling Dave and Graham. God, I would hate that. That happened one time on Unstop Podcasting Yourself. It was really great. It's nice. Okay, let's hear our first call. Hey, guys.

I had a momentous occasion. Hey, guys. I had a momentous occasion. I just got home, and now I have a scrotum. It's pretty exciting. I'm transmasculine. It's not just, like, a random thing where someone gave me a scrotum or something. It was surgery. I'm on a lot of drugs, but stuff is pretty good.

That's all. Thanks. Bye. He gets it. Yeah. He knows what we're doing on this program. Congratulations, by the way. And can I emphasize another thing? Please. If someone just gives you a scrotum, call that in, too.

If it's not, yeah. It doesn't have to be a surgical thing. It could be. It could be. Do you work at a lizard store store one of the lizards tied do lizards have scrotums no i don't know no interior they're they're their stuff's interior i want to suggest yeah that this listener hook up with our other listener who recently got a penis that was too big for his shorts yeah and i just want these two to meet. And I'm sorry I've forgotten names in this case.

If you're listening out there, I'm sure you can find each other through Twitter or the Facebook group or something like that. Let's just call them Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. Sure. Click and Clack. Find each other and talk about dong length

as it relates to shorts because it's an important issue. Yeah. And, you know, you got to find community out there. because it's an important issue. Yeah. And, you know, you got to find community out there. Put together a pamphlet. Sure. That's my recommendation. Well, hey, yeah, that's awesome.

And, you know, and let this be a lesson to everybody else out there. This guy can find the time to call us doped up post scrotum surgery. Yeah. You can find the time to call us. Yeah. up post scrotum surgery yeah you can find the time to call us yeah i think that's what that's one of the most admirable things about this whole thing is going into this surgery he knew i'm gonna get this ready gonna put it on speed dial as soon as i'm up and at him as soon as i'm as soon as i'm semi-coherent yeah and that period after they give you that michael jackson shit you know they give

you that michael jackson yeah you're pumped full know, they give you that Michael Jackson shit before surgery. Yeah, you're pumped full of Jacksons. I was listening to somebody else's podcast. Maybe it was Dave Shumka's podcast. Stop podcasting yourself. Graham Clark's podcast, too. That's the one. Somebody was saying about how they told them ahead of a surgery that they gave them that Michael Jackson drug.

Is that what all anesthetists now tell? Anesthesiologists? Yeah, anesthesiologists. They're like, I'm going to give you that Michael Jackson drug. Because they said that to me before I had surgery. I was like, whoa, that's the last thing. He died of that. I think they just want you to feel impressed that you're getting the same shit as a celebrity. The king of pop.

This is how you get these bad doctors. Like Doc Hollywood from the movie Doc Hollywood. I found that most doctors in Los Angeles these bad doctors. Like Doc Hollywood from the movie Doc Hollywood. I found that most doctors in Los Angeles are bad doctors. I just, well, no, I have the same one. There's a sitcom pitch, by the way. What, bad doctors? Oh, God. Everything's

bad. Bad judge. Bad lawyers. Bad doctors. Bad it's just, I don't know. Bad, bad Leroy Brown. Sure. No, I have a doctor. Bad, bad Brown. Sure. No, I have a doctor. Bad, bad Bats Maru. No, I have a doctor who I have, like, he found out I was, you know, an actor or whatever. And he just started asking me, like, how does that pay? Am I, like.

It's a mixed bag, sir. And I was like, I don't know, man. I don't know what to tell you here. I think that. Can I have my adderall or what like fuck off but and uh but he just kind of went i was thinking of getting into you know the show the doctors and i'm like i'm sure you were oh he thought he wanted to be one of the doctors on the doctor he wants to be like uh i don't know he said he wanted to join sag

wanted to be a dr drew and be like yeah be a Dr. Drew. And be like, yeah, be a TV doctor. And I was just like, oh, Jesus. But yeah, almost all, and then my dentist, I think I've told you, they also, when they found out I was a comedian and an actor, they told me about all the celebrities that they work on. Isn't there such a thing as dentist-patient confidentiality? Well, they don't tell me what they've done to those, like the work they've had to do on those patients. But they could say, I— They're like, don't tell anybody, but Randall Park had a crown replaced. Yeah. Woo!

Bob Odenkirk has the same dentist as I do, and he's got a good set of teeth. He's got some choppers. He does. There's some choppers on BF. He has also gotten better looking as he's gotten older. Oh, Silver Fox, for sure. 100%. For sure.

Odin, Kirk. One of my favorite, favorite drunk history episodes. Bob, I'd fuck you. Yeah. If it came down to it. It is. You know, brass tacks. In general, I think the cast of Mr. Show looks pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, he looks very good with this little gray in his good. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, he looks very good with this little gray in his... Sure, yeah. Absolutely. David Cross was on a live bullseye last year.

Very handsome. Cross is looking good, huh? Very handsome, man. Yeah. Nice. Cute guy, for sure. Okay. Great.

Well, hey, congratulations on your scrotum collar. Yeah. Absolutely. Paul F. Tompkins looks great. Paul F. Tompkins looks great. Very true. Karen Kilgariff looks amazing. Paul F. Tompkins looks great. Paul F. Tompkins looks great. Karen Kilgareff looks amazing. Paul F. Tompkins has been wearing a hat I really like.

He posts a picture of himself on Twitter. I see this hat. I say, hey, Paul, still like that hat. It's a good looking hat. It looks great in it. I guess it doesn't have anything to do with age or how you age. Well, I think that style should get better as you age. I think that's the one thing you have control over.

Like a nice Sauvignon Blanc. Mm-hmm. You know, give it a couple weeks. Yeah. Forget you had it. Let it simmer in that free gym water bottle. You got it. Let it collect some of those gym nutrients.

You got to let it roll around a little bit in the backseat of your car. Do we have one more call? I think we probably have one more call. Okay, let's take a listen. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Jess. This is Pat from Vancouver, Washington. Calling with what can only be described as a moment of shame.

I was trying to sell a superhero-themed shower curtain on one of those Facebook local buy-sell groups. Kind of like Craigslistlist but not as sketchy. Can you pause this for a second? Nick, please pause this. If you have a superhero-themed shower curtain that you don't want anymore, don't try and sell it. Yeah, just throw it away.

That's on the discard list. Maximum, what are you getting for a superhero shower curtain? Five bucks for a used shower? Maybe it could be a rare thing. It could be something you get at... Put it on free cycle. Sure. Well, it just sounds like maybe he's sentimental about it.

He wants it to go to a... I understand that. What does that mean? He wants to sell it to his mother or something? Well, just that he doesn't want it to go to waste. I sometimes think about inanimate objects that I've had at a certain period of my life and that when I throw it away, that it has a life of its own. And it's going, why would you?

It's a brave little toaster situation. Yes, every fucking time. Put it in the dumpster behind a bagel place and a freegan will take it. No, I threw out a bra from a very good year yesterday and it's still at the top of the trash can looking at me every time I brush my teeth. Blink, blink, blink. I just feel terrible about it, but I'm a goddamn grown up. That is such a great way at this. Just if you want something to go to a good home, put it near day olds.

Yeah. And a freegan will get it. Yeah. That's the perfect rule of thumb. So, yeah. So, I mean, I'm kind of with you on this. I think, you know, when you're selling and reselling cheap things that have been in a bathroom, you're probably doing too much.

Right. But maybe this is a- Let's listen. Maybe it's a rare thing that he got. It was a Comic-Con limited edition thing from 1996, and it has some sort of collector's value. It's got Eric Larson's signature on it. Right. The man who drew Spawn.

Is that him? Who cares? Don't correct me. Savage Dragon. Savage Dragon, I'm thinking of. To purchase the shower curtain, I messaged her after work that I am on my way. I went to our meeting point, and she was not there. I waited 15 minutes and messaged her after work that I am on my way. I went to our meeting point, and she was not there. I waited 15 minutes and messaged her.

No answer. 20 minutes, messaged her. No answer. 35 minutes, no answer. At this point, I was getting kind of irritated. There were sketchy people in the parking lot doing kind of unsavory things. I messaged the woman one more time and was kind of curt with her and just wondered where the hell she was and why she was wasting my time.

I immediately got a message back from her saying that her husband had had a heart attack and she was at the hospital with him. He was in ICU. And she was really, really sorry for wasting my time. So now I feel like kind of an asshole. Yeah, text her back. Picture it didn't happen. All right.

Bye. Wow. That's good. Yeah. Why did he wait 35 minutes for this? Why did he wait to be upset half an hour? Did he say how much he was selling it for? Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know how much. Right. Yeah. Does this superhero shower curtain have an upside down airplane on it? Right. Yeah. It's a rare. Yeah.

Shower curtain collectors would know this as a rare mistake at the shower curtain printing factory. They're talking about it in whatever the shower curtain equivalent of wizard is. Jeez. Yeah. Jeez. Yeah, right. I mean, yeah. And I think you have to assume maybe this is this guy's first Craigslist handoff. I mean, I know it wasn't Craigslist, but it's a Craigslist-like thing. I mean, Craigslist handoffs, I mean, what?

One out of five times they just don't happen. I just don't understand how the fella doesn't have stamps. Oh, to mail it. Get some Venmo, get some stamps. Yeah. Heck, PayPal if you got it. Get some Venmo, get some stamps. Yeah. Heck, PayPal if you got it. Sure. Go ahead and go with PayPal.

Or just throw it near some bagels. I used to work in a nonprofit industry. And if you worked in nonprofits like me, you know that there are certain things that always come up on want lists. Women's shelters are always looking for superhero shower curtains. Yes. Especially if they're hand-drawn by Eric Larson, creator of the Savage Dragon. Yeah, they want image ones.

They want creator-controlled. Right. Yeah, nothing from the big two. Yeah. It's image or valiant. Yeah, put a valiant. Maybe one of those things. Is that one called that just does Darkwing Duck?

Oh, nice. I don't know who does Darkwing Duck. Yeah, I don't know. Isn't it the same people that do all the other ducks? I don't know. Whatever it is, it's popular in the Netherlands for some reason. Yeah, just get yourself a Moomin. Yeah.

Whatever that is. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la I'm Emily Francis Fleming. Hey, check it out. You got it. Yeah. You, you finally had a nickname that wasn't already taken by a hunk from the nineties.

Although, Oh boy. Christian Slater telegrammed me earlier today. Oh, sent me a telegram. It said, plan to use nickname Francis. Do not let anyone else take it. Oh, fuck. Sent me a telegram. It said, plan to use nickname Francis. Stop.

Do not let anyone else take it. Oh, fuck. Well. Oddly enough, that name is taken in the Screen Actors Guild, so I'm Emily Fran Fleming. You not only had to add a middle name, but you had to change that middle name. My middle name, yeah. Couldn't be Emily F. Fleming? You had a middle name, but you had to change that middle name.

My middle name, yeah. Couldn't be Emily F. Fleming? I kind of like, I've always liked the name, like, Fran and Francis in my name. It's my grandmother's name. I just kind of like it, and I kind of was, she's a Fran. Like a lot of my sister-in-law's name and my new son's middle name, Francis. Oh. Yeah.

Congratulations. I actually, there was a Jordan Morris when I joined SAG, so that's why on IMDb I'm John Penis. Perfect. Yeah. This has been a fun show. I had exactly the same problem, which is why I had to change my name to Godzilla O.

Right. Well, that's the masculine conjugation. Yeah. Yeah. So I appreciated that. Emily, thank you so much for joining us on the program this week. Thanks for having me. Very fun to have you on the program.

Yeah. And thanks again to everybody who supported the MaxFunDrive. You guys make our work possible, and we couldn't be more grateful for it. It's really nice. I think part of the fun of the MaxFunDrive is realizing that people listen to this. I think that is what

we call the podcaster's burden. It's just feeling like you're screeching into the void like someone with a specific fetish on Ask Reddit NSFW. And, yeah, it's just super, super cool to know that people are listening and that they like the show and that it's a fun part of their week. Or just like a potty-mouthed person in their mid-30s who's made bad choices career-wise. Yeah, right.

I know. Just hypothetically to make up a kind of person out of thin air. Yeah. So thank you so much. Like, yeah, getting those notes about what this dumb show means to you really is a, it's a really remarkable thing. Yeah. It's very

it's very powerful. Yeah, it's really nice. And it's, there's because there's certainly reasons we should not do this show. Yeah. There's many. Yeah. But it's really nice. Because there's certainly reasons we should not do this show. There's many. But those kind of nice outpourings of sincerity just kind of make it easy to put all those

things to bed and make this an exciting, fun part of my week. So thank you very much out there for giving me a reason to come in and do this. I really appreciate it. Yeah, and I actually, I had this, very sincere thought the other day that I will express on the show, which is, and I had this thought like completely 100% sincerely, but I thought like, man, you know, all those donors, all those tens of thousands of donors out there

who support the show and all the max fun shows they allow me to see you jordan and john hodgman who i do judge john hodgman with i don't don't always see him but talk to uh like my two favorite guys in the world like my two favorite guys to talk to and hang out with and just my favorite people i get to see them every week because of those donors like otherwise you know i'm a i'm a i'm an old man i too many children and never leave the house you know what i mean so that really means that that's like i'm really grateful to you guys for um for making that possible and i'm glad that uh i'm glad it happens and i'm i'm glad you enjoy the the stuff we make so

yeah thank you very much my only disappointment is having to see Nick Leal every week oh boy Nick Leal running the boards this week for Brian Fernandez off making television giving us boring hot dogs to unbox oh gross hot dogs Brian Sonny D Fernandez

of course is the producer of this program still the producer of this program yes Still the producer of this program. Yes. If you have thoughts about the show, hashtag them JJGo on Twitter. Join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com or in the Maximum Fun Facebook group. If you've got corrections on the show, tweet them at Papa John, the founder of Papa John's Pizza. He'll be grateful to see them. Hopefully he'll forward them on to his friend Peyton Manning.

Or Father John Misty. Or send them to Father John Misty. Sure, yeah. These are both popular dad figures. Definitely. There's someone on Twitter who will occasionally fave one of my tweets whose Twitter handle is almost exactly the same as Father John Misty and every time

I have this thought, huh, Father John Misty follows me on Twitter. Well, that's nice. Thanks for... And then I see it and I see that it says Fatter John Misty. Nice. And then I think, well, I'm a little disappointed it's not Indie Rock Celebrity Father John Misty.

But that's pretty good. It's pretty good. That's a pretty fucking good Twitter handle. I will, you know, when you're looking at the faves, I've been tricked by this numerous times. And I think, you know, as a fella, you look at those faves and you're grateful for every fave. But sometimes you notice when there's a pretty lady in the avatar. Sometimes you notice. Sometimes you notice. there's a pretty lady in the avatar. Yeah, sure. Sometimes you notice. Sometimes you notice.

You're lonely. As a lonely heterosexual man, seeing a pretty lady pop up in your faves is a nice feeling. Yeah. And sometimes this pretty lady will pop up. I'm like, oh, who's this pretty lady? Click on it. It's just a guy who has a WWE diva as his avatar. Nice.

it's just a guy who has a WWE diva as his avatar. Nice. I don't know if I'm followed by any actual WWE divas. Probably a couple. Yeah, I would appreciate it. And again, to this guy who just has the diva as his avatar, thank you. I don't want to diminish your faves. They mean a lot.

The fact that anybody would care about me on social media is a great feeling. The same – I relate to you completely. The exact same thing has happened to me. You see a pretty lady and even as I'm a married man, even as a married man, you're always glad when a pretty lady – Sure. It's a nice feeling. Then you click on the profile. You want to learn more about them and it's just a guy whose profile picture is a VH1 diva. Different kinds of divas.

Love it. VH1 divas. It just turns out to be Celine Dion. Yeah. Celine Dion, the French-Canadian sensation. Okay. That's it for this week's Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll talk to you next time on the program.

Bye. Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Bye.