Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 475: Johnny Guac and Cheese with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

Fan favorite Chris Fairbanks joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the most popular monster trucks, half jingles from commercials you can't quite remember, and Chris's upcoming hip replacement surgery. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Goh, get ready for action. Oh boy, don't promise something we can't deliver. I'm delivering action. There's gonna be action this week?

Yeah, I brought, um, I guess a monster truck? Promise something we can't deliver. I'm delivering. Action. There's going to be action this week? Yeah. I brought, I guess, a monster truck. Oh, cool. Is it Bigfoot or one of the others? It's one of the others. Who's the most famous monster truck after Bigfoot? After Bigfoot? I think our guest knows.

Grave Digger. Oh, Grave Digger. Grave Digger. Our guest, by the way, a beloved regular guest here on Jordan, Jesse Goh, stand-up comedian and host of a television show alongside April Richardson on True TV that I've forgotten the name of. We all have, as has True TV. Oh, good. Yay.

I'm sorry, Chris. It's okay. Maybe people can still buy them on iTunes or something. Yeah, yeah. Get right on iTunes. I haven't even checked, but I'm sure it's there somewhere people can still buy them on iTunes or something yeah yeah get right on iTunes I haven't even checked but I'm sure it's there somewhere

well anyways almost serious Chris Fairbanks did I say Chris Fairbanks we should say Chris Fairbanks okay we'll say it's Chris Fairbanks

it's our friend Chris Fairbanks I will confirm it Chris Fairbanks our favorite guy adult crime solver do you care if I pilfer your no I like it adult crime solver

it's fun it makes it seem like the show has synergy. Yeah. So the lineup of monster truck fame goes Bigfoot. Number one. Gravedigger. Gravedigger.

Close second. I'm inclined to say Truckasaurus, but is Truckasaurus a monster truck? He's a monster who eats trucks and is maybe made primarily out of trucks. Let me ask you this question about Truckasaurus a monster truck? He's a monster who eats trucks and is maybe made primarily out of trucks. Let me ask you this question about Truckasaurus. Please. Is Truckasaurus real or a figment of our collective childhood imagination? I think Truckasaurus. Oh, like the Sinbad Genie movie?

Yeah, exactly. I think Truckasaurus remains were planted by Christians to test our faith. Never existed. Chris Fairbanks, you grew up in Montana, Missoula, if I'm not mistaken. Yes. Would you ever go to a monster truck rally? Yes. Were you as disappointed by it as I was the time that I went to a monster truck rally?

Well, I've grown to appreciate it more, much like amateur boxing, where everyone's drunk. It's a smaller, you can tell that the trucks aren't quite, the top three aren't there. Yeah. Maybe, I think Truckasaurus would come to eat and devour the local trucks. Like, I'm still the king of truck consumption. But no, they'll just be like.

And then you see them hitchhiking later on the road going to the next town to eat their trucks. Like David Banner. I went with my dad and my brother, who's much younger than me and was, like, young enough almost to be into it. But we were all a little too old. Like, maybe I was, like, 24 and my brother was 16 or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And the thing that I remember the most is how little monster truck there is in the monster truck rally.

Right, right. Like maybe we were there two and a half hours. So what is most of the show composed of? Judgmental people watching. That's really for me. Yeah, you just stare at mullets and go, wow. That's really for me. Yeah. You just stare at mullets and go, wow. That guy seems too young to have a wooden leg.

My parents did okay. They have new types of legs now, for one thing. Yeah. I think you get like two hours in. It's like I have a frog on his head. That doesn't make any sense. It's motocross,

but it's not the kind where they do tricks. You want it to be the one where they do tricks, but what it is is the one where they just drive in a fucking circle on motorcycles for hours. Hours and hours and hours. And it's the same. There's races. It's not

just one race. Well, for the most part, it's white people there. races it's not just one race well for the most part it's white people there's one race in the stands but yeah yeah the circular dirt racing yeah you always get looped into that and that is all that it is speak three hours you're there two hours and 40 minutes of just motorcycles driving around in an oval. And then the monster truck came out. And when I was there, the monster truck came out, drove over maybe one car, and then accidentally turned over on its top. And that was the end. Yeah, yeah.

Well, maybe you saw it malfunctioning. Do you think it would have gone on longer if the thing hadn't turned over? No. Okay. You think that was the grand finale? Yeah, I think that's all they had. I think that they couldn't afford to squish more than one car, so they're like, oh, sorry, guys, I guess it fell over.

Yeah, it's the equivalent of modern-day monster trucking. It's like if in wrestling they just got knocked unconscious immediately, now you watch monster trucks and their recovery as far as launching straight in the air like a rocket and landing. Wheels don't fall off anymore. They're better constructed. They bounce around for an entire show, and you're not necessarily just watching them literally crash and burn.

But, you know, before, they had heart. Yeah, they had a little more heart. That's true. Yeah. Like back in Giuliani's New York, right? Yeah. The monster trucks were seedier. You could smoke in them.

Is that who ruined New York, Giuliani, or did he make it good? It's before Giuliani's New York. Before Giuliani. Yeah. Yeah, like at a Dinkins. Yeah. Or at Koch. Okay, yeah.

Before Giuliani, you could smoke in your monster trucks. There was porno theaters in your monster trucks. Yeah. Everyone, they were, oh, God, that's the best. I'm not too familiar with this point of view. theaters and your monster trucks. Yeah. Everyone. Oh, God, that's the best. I'm not too familiar with this point of view. People knew that you were supposed to fold your monster truck before you ate it. Sure.

That's why they're better. It's the water. The Brooklyn water system makes their monster trucks better. I defy you to find an authentic monster truck show outside of the city of New York. You know what they have in Chicago? Casseroles. Monster truck casseroles. By the way, I just want to point out,

I'm just doing, like, generic plumber accent. That is not a New York accent specifically. We really, accent-wise, we went to the opposite of what a monster truck fan is. My accent was hard hat man. Yeah, yeah. I just, I only do New York guys and Southern guys. I really should have done plan B, accent plan B. Right.

What are the other traveling shows that a young Chris Fairbanks goes to see out there in Missoula? Oh, good question. Yeah. Well, it's – who came to town? Boy, monster trucks are the first thing you think of along with Western Montana Fair. I remember the great disappointment of my childhood was not going to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rock and roll show. Holy shit. They had a band. they had a band.

They had a band. Wow. One of them played the keytar. Yeah, and I think that's all I remember about it. Well, it helps him get up and move. Right, exactly. You don't want to pin Donatello behind a keyboard stand. Yeah, like he's some sort of fucking John Tesh or something.

He's not Leonardo. Yeah. The straight-laced leader of the group. Oh, and I do remember from the- Don't get me started on the intricacies of their personalities, these turtles. I could go on forever. Such a variety. You know that Michelangelo's a party dude, though, right?

Oh, wait, man. Totally, man. He loves lasagna. Close enough. Okay. Thank God it's Fridayiday am i right yeah homer causes pimples ugh i think we've i think we've talked a little bit about this on the show before but just those little snippets of commercials that you remember yeah like from a kid uh as a kid i think my quintessential one that i still have not figured out yet is guac and jack cheese.

That's two something. It's a fast food item. Guac and jack cheese. Wow. But here's the little bit I remember from the commercial for the Ninja Turtles traveling rock show is, We're coming out of our shells. Oh, that would be horrifying yeah no one wants that sounds disgusting you mean we're coming out of our shells just like walking jack cheese oh shit they were

the same oh yeah that's what it was it was the taco bell turtle shell open bowl turtle meat casserole. Is this a live stage show or a menu item? It's a reason men yell in a basement with money in their hands. What if you went to that pocket? Good lord. Break. Open the turtle.

Add the guacamole. Stick your dick in it. Break open the turtle. Ass to ass. Add the guacamole. Stick your dick in it. That's a fun show that doesn't exist. That's probably like what Dick Cheney did in college, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the basement of Yale. It's the basement of a yacht. They kill a turtle.

Build its shell with guacamole. The richest one there gets to stick their dick in it. Anyway. I don't know. What were we talking about? Do you guys still talk about stuff like that on the show or did I muck it up? No, absolutely. I mean, we usually try and elevate the discourse.

Sure, sure. Like you stick your dick in it and then you stick it on top of the bust of Wordsworth. It's in the crypt. We're not going to. Sure, sure. Like you stick your dick in it and then you stick it on top of the bust of Wordsworth. It's in the crypt. But, you know, we're not gonna Yeah. Yeah. We're not gonna critique you too hard. I imagine the Coming Out of Our Shells song is being like, what I'm picturing is just a major

rock star at the low, who was at the low ebb of their career in 1990 like maybe Bob Seger. Okay. But he's just wearing one of those turtle shells and he's just singing the goddamn songs. At least he can finally play a goddamn arena again. Yeah, yeah. Makes him feel like, when he closes his eyes, he can imagine that he's not singing Coming Out of Our Shells.

Yeah, yeah. He's singing Night Moves. Where did the turtle tour play? Was that an arena tour? I think, God, that's a good question. Yeah, I think so. I think it would have been like where you would go. I bet it was like at a hockey area.

Yeah. You know, a hockey area. Probably one of those hockey areas. Sure, sure. Like a frozen pond? Yeah, like a frozen pond. We went out into the woods. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I think so. Something like that. Or where you would see like a, maybe like a college basketball game or something. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going with. I'm going with probably like the UC Irvine basketball area. I believe that. Yeah. Okay, sorry, anteaters.

Turtles have the floor. Yeah, right? Your mortal enemy. That's the mascot of the UCIs, the anteaters. Jordan, did you get to go see any grand shows when you were a kid? Oh, let's see. We went to see Yo-Yo Ma. Really?

I think I was bored at the time, but, you know, wished I had appreciated it more. You probably would be bored now. Yeah, that's true. I mean, you'd appreciate it more, but you would be bored. We did go to see a lot of classical music that I remember being bored at. Did your parents like classical music, or was it a matter of teaching you to like... I think it was half and half. Yeah, I think they enjoyed it, but also read a book that said it would make me good at math.

Yeah. And boy, were they right. Was it like on a lawn with a picnic type situation? I think it was, I remember it being indoors. Okay. Yeah. And my pants being itchy. These are the two memories I have.

I was indoors and my pants were too itchy. To be fair, that could just be like one of those recovered memories or those false memories because your pants are too itchy right now. Good at math, bad at washing your junk. It's true. These are the two my two main qualities. As a kid. Two things that cellists are famous for.

Shifty britches. Did you ever go to the circus? Oh yeah, that was what came to Missoula. Barnum and Bailey's Circus. The big top. Yeah, that's the big to Missoula. Barnum and Bailey's circus. The big top. Yeah, that's the big one. And ski jumping.

I remember I went to it the year that they had a real live unicorn. Okay. Just a goat. Right. Just a goat with one horn sawed off. It's obviously a goat. It's bleeding from the head, too, so that you know that they recently removed the horn. No one is looking at the unicorn

thinking, they did it! They found a unicorn! That was amazing. I was six years old and thinking, I'm pretty sure that's a goat. I bet if it was a young enough kid, you can just tell him it's anything. Like, you can say, that's the president. Really? Oh, I met the president.

Yeah. It's a one-horned goat. I guess I'm Secretary of Commerce now. Although I prefer a one-horned goat to this clown we got in office. Am I right?

Am I right? It's about time we dove in there. Thank you. Let's enlist the farm animals we'd rather he be. It's a real clown car in Washington.

They keep getting out. Yeah. Steve Bannon and friends. They need to replace Hail to the Chief with da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da It's true. It's his theme song. Why wouldn't it? Yeah, because the whole thing is a circus. Boy, this has been a really, really cutting, deeply satirical episode of the show. Can I say something?

Can I say something right here? Chris, Jordan, the three of us, as long as we stick together, watch out Borowitz Report. Yeah, we're coming for you. The satire boys are coming. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Just three gentlemen being adults about topics and giving advice for them to them. My Brother, My Brother and Me is a podcast for you serious-minded adults. No monkey shines, no falderal. Hey, let me ask you a question.

How sophisticated is your palate? You like Merlot? Our show is basically like the Merlot and dark chocolate of podcasts. You've got to be grown up to like them. Our podcast is Toilet Wine. Listen to the Toilet Wine podcast every Monday right here on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, adult crime solver. Hey, guess what, Jordan? This week's show brought to you in part by our friends at Mack Weldon. Hey, you know what we've been doing the past couple weeks or the past couple times we've had to read ads? What have we been doing? We've been coming up with our own slogans. Right. You know, really, really socking it to these high-powered ad men.

Right. I'm so sick of these fat cats. Highly paid Madison Avenues. BMW driving. Yeah. Think they're too big for small-town America. I could have told you that Pepsi ad was a bad idea, right? Yeah, sure.

Oh, boy. Anyway. Yeah. But I think I got an ad. I got a good slogan for our friends at Mack Weldon. Okay. So just for context, Mack Weldon make real nice underpants. Yes.

And socks and other clothes. Yes. So I want you to think about that before you come up with the slogan. Okay. Focus on the positive attributes of Mack Weldon. Smart design. Premium fabric. Simple shipping.

Exactly. Going to MackWeldon.com and getting 20% off using code JJGO. Okay. The basics. The basics. I legitimately enjoy this particular product. Yeah. I love it.

I love it, too. Because I can say it, too, with all sincerity. I'm wearing my M-Dubs right now. Oh, boy. I'm jealous. You think they ever thought about rebranding to M-Dubs like when Federal Express became FedEx? Man, they should have. My M-Dubs are in the wash, and I am fucking bummed. Oh, yeah. You got to ever thought about rebranding to M-Dubs like when Federal Express became FedEx? Man, they should have. My M-Dubs are in the wash, and I am fucking bummed.

Oh, yeah. You got to wear your Junko pants. Yeah. Mack Weldon. Great underwear, socks, shirts. They look good and perform well, too. MackWeldon.com, 20% off with the code JJGO. Hey, look.

Up there on the Jumbotron, we got a couple of messages. Yeah, it's an announcement about a new podcast, or a podcast anyway, called Podcast Meander. Last year, a traumatized musician named Dan Leone set his life on fire, quit his job, gathered his savings, started driving west, fleeing from something. from something. Podcast Meander is his audio travelogue documenting his mad wanderings across the United States, the people he meets along the way and the slow reveal of what he's truly running away from. It features all original music

and a unique blend of real interviews, fictional sequences, and outright lies. Check out season one of Podcast Meander, now available at podcastmeander.com or iTunes or wherever you download podcasts. Another Jordan Jesse Go listener who went to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and wanted us to share their message, the folks from Third Act Saviors.

It's a podcast as well. Did you know that you can fix a movie by changing just the third act? You can fix the world by giving the Queen of England some queen dreams. Did you know you can fix your life by subscribing to the hot new podcast, Third Act Saviors? Listen as three friendly co-hosts and the occasional guest fix a bad movie or die trying. We're younger, dumber, and full of comer than those other bad movie podcast guys. That's Third Act Saviors, iTunes, Stitcher, and SoundCloud. Just search for Third Act Saviors.

I'm going to be honest. They might be young and dumb. Yeah. I don't think they could possibly have as much cum as our friends from the Flophouse. That's true. Those are three cummy fellas. Stuart Wellington's balls are swollen with cum right now. It's true.

It's absolutely true. Have you ever seen Dan McCoy from The Flophouse ejaculate? Oh, yes. I'm still watching it. I started watching two weeks ago. They're thinking about issuing it to riot police. Oh, boy. For crowd control.

Inner city kids dance around it in the streets when it comes. Maybe it would have been maybe if Dan McCoy Spray and Cum All Everybody would have improved that Pepsi commercial. We're coming out of our shells. Interestingly Elliot Galen, about average.

Oh yeah? Pretty normal amount of cum. Cumulatively or cumulatively. Thank you. I was going to correct you. It's an extraordinary volume of... We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, don't think about this that much, but I went in there with a character that was a... You went into audition.

Based on, yeah, as a perp. A lot of people think of you as a stand-up comic. You also do a lot of character work. I do a lot of character work for Carity. Yeah. And I went in with this... This character was based on a guy in my hometown who would... He had a sticker on the side of his truck with a CB radio and everything.

And he was a citizen on patrol guy that took it really seriously and showed up before the cops because he had more police scanners in his truck. He was passionate. But he was a little unbalanced because he then pulled a gun on someone at some restaurant. And then the police said, okay, you can't pretend to be a cop anymore. We're sorry. But you can show up in a regular car. Anyway, I went in with a character based on him where he would show up and then have it all solved.

And the cops weren't onto it. And then through improv, during the audition, you would improvise with them. And then it turned into, I was, the reason I was there and the crime was solved was because I was committing the crime so I had gone from crime solver to crime causer which reminded me

this whole thing is sort of like a callback to that failed audition right and then they and Pee Wee Herman did that character they had Paul Rubens do exactly what I went in and pitched but those guys are great those Reno guys did that character. They had Paul Rubens do exactly what I went in and pitched. But those guys are great.

Those Reno guys. They're great guys. They're really nice. Chris, you were just... Yeah, they stole from me. You were telling us off mic that you've been watching some YouTube surgeries. Yeah, I am getting what's called and it sounds kind of fancy in English. It's the Birmingham hip resurfacing procedure.

How is that different than the Yorkshire hip? Birmingham was silver. The dewclaw. The dewclaw. I see. I went terrier on you. Got it. Well, you interrupted.

A normal hip full replacement is them sawing your femur off almost halfway down and then hammering titanium into where the marrow was. That sounds terrible, right? Yeah. This is I keep my original equipment, but they put like a helmet, a shiny helmet, like a Ralph S. Mouse-sized helmet on my femur ball and then metal in the cup. helmet on my femur ball and then metal in the cup and uh so it seems like wow you just pop it out for a second put a helmet on there pop it back in but uh in the surgery which i watched which i really i don't know why i watched it it's so violent so bloody there's so much pounding there's big strong guys that come and bend the leg up to pop it out it's like it's horrifying i don't it's not like i'm gonna be awake and chiming in yeah i don't know why i want yeah what led you someone someone

said some bartender said i got that surgery done and all i've heard is it works great you're gonna be great and uh this guy said here watch it on this on my phone right now and i sat at the bar was it his was it did he know it was it was it was did he do it right there he did it for me doctors came in in a clown car um yeah it was i just it gave me nightmares but i am still looking forward to it in one month i will have my leg removed and then popped back on congratulations thank. Thank you. Thank you. What will you do once your hip is healed up? What's the first thing you're going to do? Run to the top of a hillside singing songs from Sound of Music.

Of course. Of course. I will. Edelweiss, Edelweiss. We're coming out of our shells. Thank you. Thank you. Guac and cheese.

Is this dumb yet? Anyway. I miss being active. I'm like not as active. I used to. Yeah, you were. I mean, I know you as a, I think of you as a sporty guy. And I haven't been the last couple of years.

I've been more of a lay-down guy. So I'm excited to be sporty again because I've been promised the ability to be sporty again. What are the top sports that you're going to pursue? Top five. Number five. Snowboarding. Skateboarding. Golf.

Other? Question mark? You're a golfer, Chris? I've always enjoyed golfing. That's interesting. Now, I knew you were a skateboarder and a snowboarder. I knew you enjoyed those board sports. I got into golf when I was like 14 or 15, but then it's expensive to do.

Yeah, well, don't... You have your own clubs? I do. I got my dad's old clubs. They're real nice. That's nice. Because they're new to a guy like me. So what do you do? Do you head down

or do you pick up a casual foursome? Yeah, my dad, I usually wait until I go home to golf with my dad, but he's got his group of just cool guys from around the Missoula area. Yeah, an ex-sheriff. You got a cement guy.

Sure. A guy who listens to police scanners. A guy that actually golfs with a long gun. What are you, about a scratch golfer? No. Golf is the most frustratingly hard sport. I've done it so long

I feel like I was better at it when I was a kid and I swung like I was hitting a baseball. My natural swing. Then you go to lessons and you learn how you're supposed to swing and that's when you start making mistakes. Yeah. You know what I mean? The secret to swinging I found is first of all, you got to find somebody who's there by themselves and you have your wife talk to them first. Have your wife buy them a drink and then invite them back to the hot tub.

Oh, that's what I've been doing wrong. I think, yeah. I mean, I don't think your golf game will improve, but you will have more three ways. You mean fair ways? I do mean that. Do you go to a... If you ever... Who is that guy? Do you go to... Sorry.

Do you go to like a country club? I mean... Have you golfed in Los Angeles? Oh, certainly, yeah. No, I go to municipal. I used to live across from, in Venice, the Penmar Golf Municipal Course. It's just a town course? Does that belong to the No, I go to municipal. I used to live across from, in Venice, the Penmar Golf municipal course. It's just a town course?

Does that belong to the city of Venice? It's where Harrison Ford had his first publicized airplane crash. Oh, wow. He landed across the street. The first of many delightful Harrison Ford airplane crashes. Yeah, I think it's just when he's in an airplane, he just starts thinking about snakes. He hates them. Thinks he sees a snake in the cockpit.

How many times do you guys think Harrison Ford has hotboxed an airplane? Boy, I mean. He's got the money. Yeah. I think, I mean, yeah, I think it's his, you know, his, what do you call that place where the airplane lands? Landing strip? Airport? Fairway.

I bet he's got a fairway boy whose job it is, you know, he knows Harrison's coming. Coming to do some flying. Shines the plane. You know, make sure there's some ice and refreshments. You roll four fat dupes. Right. You lay them out over the control console, just like that. Good foley, Chris, by the way.

Chris used our old discarded messaging paper to simulate the sound of Jays being rolled. This is a 1940s narrative show. It should be. This should be presented by DuPont. Then the thunder struck. Yes. Chris, then the thunder struck. Oh, sorry.

Just use the paper for everything. I did the sound of a piece of corrugated metal, but it was so accurate that it just sounded like metal. And then someone ran into the side of my shed. Oh, damn shed. No, I don't. I can say that. I just need the sound of the shed. Ah. There you go.

Oh. Twice. I can't stop doing the guy's voice. So think Harrison's fairway boy. You would think that the shed would be made out of corrugated metal. No, it was made out of guys. It was made out of two guys. The old two guy shed.

He's got a fairway boy. He's got a fairway boy. He's got a fairway boy. Shines the plane. Yeah. Make sure there's refreshments. Rolls. Four fat J's. Yeah.

You line them up over the console. Yeah. And then you buff a shiny new earring. Right. You lay it on top of there. So when Harrison gets in the plane, puts in that fucking earring. Yeah. Looks amazing.

Sure. Smokes those J's. right up into the sky, right down onto a golf course. Why did I put this picture of my family over this important gauge? You know what? I talked to somebody who flew in Harrison Ford's plane once. Ooh. Somebody who flew in Harrison Ford's plane once. Ooh.

He was for some reason talking to Harrison Ford's first wife, the pre-Colista Flockhart wife. Sure. And for like a magazine article or something. He's a journalist. And he said that she was like, oh, are you going to New York this week? Because he had said something about going to New York. And he was like, yeah, I am. And she's like, well, Harrison's going. You should just catch a ride with him.

And he was like, well, that's not real. That's not a – that doesn't – this is just the rantings of a mad woman. And then he just got a call from Harrison Ford. Hey, do you want to come – do you need a ride to New York? Do you want to get a ride on my plane? I'm leaving Thursday at 8. He just showed up Thursday at 8. Harrison Ford tucked his ass in.

I want to know. I want to know. Is Harrison Ford on record with being pro-marijuana? Or does he just have that I'm stoned dude all the time? Well, have you heard the classic story about Greg Kinnear and he on that movie, that remake of Sabrina? No. And Greg Kinnear was just at that point that remake of Sabrina no and Greg Kinnear was he had just at that point I think just been the talk soup host right but uh Harrison Ford was

smoking weed in his trailer and Greg Kinnear lost his mind I guess he's kind of a lunatic and he was like he's smoking illegal marijuana drugs on set he complained about Harrison Ford and they hated each other during that whole movie. That story comes from Karen Kilgariff. So if you think it's... Blame it on the killed. Yeah. Blame it on that killed.

If you think it's fake, don't get it, Karen, on Twitter. Get it, Papa John. Yeah. At I am Papa John, I believe it is. We're directing people

who want to complain about the show to Papa John. Yeah. Oh, Jordan, you know... The pizza guy? You know Harrison Ford's doobroller plane shiner? Uh-huh. That is a job. Yeah. Oh. Jordan, you know the- The pizza guy? The pizza guy, yeah. You know Harrison Ford's dupe roller plane shiner?

Yeah. Uh-huh. That is a job. Mm-hmm. Like my wife- Yeah, it's called The Fairway Boy, I know. My wife-

It's all gauze pads and ball bearings these days, boys. Sure. My like, the greatest regret of my life is my wife has these beautiful cousins.

My wife is also very beautiful. I want to make that very clear. Your regret is not fucking your wife's these beautiful cousins. My wife is also very beautiful. I want to make that very clear. Your regret is not fucking your wife's cousin? Sorry. I know. I jump ahead. She has this whole group of extremely attractive cousins.

And all of these cousins grew up in Marin County where my wife grew up. And none of them are – my wife comes from a very normal middle-class family, but all of her cousins, because they were both beautiful and just in a place where rich people live, got these adjacent to richness jobs that were extraordinary. So one of them was a receptionist. I remember this was like right out of college, maybe even in college. Like, yeah, since she was like 18. A receptionist at a wealth management firm in Marin County. And her job was to sit at the desk. She said there was about a call an hour and one person a day would come in.

And she was getting paid, I want to say it was $25 an hour and one person a day would come in and she was getting paid i want to say it was 25 dollars an hour plus an extra eight bucks an hour from one of the guys who worked there to screen his calls wow and she finished she went she was going away to grad school or something i don't remember and she recommended me for this job and i walked in there i'm talking to the people i'm talking about how excited i am because this is a dream job for a 20 this is a the greatest job you could ever have that is not a career depending on the height of the desk you could crank it at work exactly that's all we really want to do as grown-ups right that's what we want to do backward before giuliani ruined everything you could crank it at work and i realized realized five minutes into that interview, like, I'm like, this is easy.

This is just a job where she is passing it off to me. Like, I thought, I'm made in the shade. I could just see these people thinking, this is not a beautiful 22-year-old woman. Yeah, yeah. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And one of her sisters had a job that paid like $75,000 a year that was just being in charge of a boat. Oh, for God's sake. A rich man had a boat. And then her job was if he decided he wanted to ride the boat, it was her job to make sure there was like snacks on board.

And that had been like cleaned up or whatever. And that all the crew people came. But he rode the boat once a month. But the rest of the time, she could just hang out on the boat or do whatever as long as she was ready with the snacks when he called and said, I want to go out on the boat on Thursday. So you did have to be on call all the time as a cabin boy with snacks. Yeah. You had to be ready with snacks. Yeah.

But it paid very well. Wow. I'm going to say a two-way pager. Oh, wow. When you're in that income bracket, 2002. Yeah. I think you just want to find a nice person with a boat and work for them. I know.

Yeah. Get some boat. Do you guys know anybody with a boat? I live across the street from the boat people. Oh. I live in Marina del Rey across from those boats boats and i haven't dipped my toe into the wealth yeah maybe i mean have you thought about maybe those boats need you know personal stand-up comedians i don't know thinking about just being a boat comic there there is a boat right by killer

shrimp this restaurant i frequent because it's across the street there is a party boat and they have weddings even on the boat it's like a two-story, not a yacht, but it's like a boat for having events on. And I always thought it would be kind of fun to float around the marina and have a stand-up comedy show on a boat as a gimmicky like. Sure. That sounds great. Let's do it. Like if you want to do a lighter version of the boat, the comedy. Chris, let's do Jordan Jesse go on the boat.

I think it would be fun. Do you know what the name of the boat is? Because the cruise, the boat party cruise was so fun. What's the name of the boat? I can find out for you. Daniel's Googling right now Marina Del Rey party boats. There's a couple of them, and I think they even go to Catalina overnight. You could have it be an overnight thing and have it be-

Can we go to Killer Shrimp afterwards? But there's a stage already on it. Then we go to Killer Shrimp. Right. Big bowl of scrimps. 17 bucks. Comes with endless bread. Oh, boy.

Max Fun Con 2018. Yeah. We're scaling it back. Max Fun Con 2018, colon, scaling it back. Modest expectations. We shrimping. Yeah, I mean, I think the obvious thing would be for it to be called Jordan-Jesse Boat. Like, I think that's A to B.

Isn't that what we called when we went on that battleship? We did a show on a battleship once. Like the Queen Mary? A battle, actual battle. An actual battleship that was like, it was a docked battleship. Like a museum, like a floating museum. In Long Beach or something, right? So I think, I'm saying, just so we're not going A to B with Jordan Jesse Boat.

Right. We can call this Boat Jesse Go, right? Well, I mean, do I have to host the show with a boat? No. I like Jordan Jesse Boat. You do? Yeah. Okay.

How about we do Jordan Boat Go, and then while you're hosting the show with the boat, let's go have some margs. That sounds pretty good. But they've got some good margs. Yeah. I bet they have a marg machine on this boat I'm talking about. I'll get you the info. I've been wanting to do stand-ups on the boat. Do you think it's a Buffett-branded marg machine?

Yeah, oh, for sure. From a distance. I haven't been right up against the window, even though I do want to get a close look. And there are palm... There is a hamburger wearing flip-flops on the side of the margarita machine. Yeah, that's got Buffett written all over it.

A flip on a pop-top. We have a couple days off coming up here at midnight. I'm going to take a little couple day trip to New Orleans. Oh, that sounds fun. I haven't seen in a while, and I have going to take a little couple day trip to New Orleans. Oh, that sounds fun. I haven't seen in a while.

And I have reservations to ride on a fan boat. Oh, yeah. One of my great dreams. I assumed you were going to say a fan boat. I assumed immediately that you were going to say that you had reservations to ride on Harry Anderson. All right. Yeah. No, just Harry Shearer.

The other most famous New Orleans guy. Harry Anderson? Who doesn't play jazz. Of Night Court? The whole time he tells you about how he was in Spinal Tap. We know you were in Spinal Tap. Just shut up and run while I'm on your back. We know about your 1970s radio comedy group, The Credibility Gap.

So I got plans. I like that name. Fanboat ride. Haunted pub crawl. Yeah. I'm very excited I like that name. It's Fan Boat Ride, Haunted Pub Crawl. Yeah. I'm very excited about both of these. I think these are going to be two real slam dunky. Explain, if you would, the Haunted Pub Crawl. Well, why don't we do this?

I don't know if it's time for a break yet. Yeah. I'll boot up the website for Haunted Pub Crawl. Yeah. I'll read about that. We'll take some calls. Yeah. We'll fucking have a great next Pub Crawl. Yeah. I'll read about that. We'll take some calls. Yeah. We'll fucking have a great next segment.

Great. Okay. That sounds like a plan. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. My name is Patrick. My name is Parker. Max FunCon has been a huge inspiration in my life.

Now I have this network of friends that I've made that span literally across the entire globe, and they're some of my favorite people in the world. I truly cannot believe the amount of wonderful and lasting friendships that have come out of this. If you feel like you might not fit in, as long as you're a good person, you'll fit in because everyone there is good and amazing and kind and wonderful. And you should absolutely go. It will be the best decision of your life. Make a ton of new friends like Parker and Patrick at MaxFunCon. Tickets for MaxFunCon and MaxFunCon East are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, adult crime causer. I don't like my name anymore. We do not have an update. We do not have an update on the cost of renting a boat to do Jordan, Jesse Goh on it with Chris Fairbanks. I know the place. It is members only. You can't even park there. They're not just going to give out that information.

Willie Manilla, you got to join the club. You got to buy a dinner coat that's white. You got to know Ted Knight. Can I be clear with you, Chris? That's white. You got to know Ted Knight. You know it out of our tools. You know it out of our tools.

We do not have an update on the boat. That is a crushing disappointment. Yeah. I will say this. Battleship guy, if you're listening, we'll come back to the battleship. Sure. That was fun. It just has to be aqueous.

The battleship has to be aqueous? Wherever we do this show. Right. It has to be an aquatic show. Right. Yeah. We'd do it on sea dues. I would love to do a show on a sea dueDoo. That would be a lot of fun.

Everybody's doing it. Probably limited capacity, but we don't draw that much of a crowd, so that's probably pretty good. It's for the best. Yeah. Sea-Doo is just a two-person jet ski type thing, right? I think it's a brand. I think it's like a Q-tip. Everybody's doing it. We're going to become associated with Sea-Doo.

Yeah. We're coming out of my shell. Works with every song. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listener, try and work that into your conversation this week. Just yell at the person you're talking to. How to lose friends and alienate people with Jordan and Jesse Go.

And then try to explain it with something you heard on a podcast and watch their eyes glaze over. Everybody's talking about the hot new podcast, S-Town. But if you want to alienate them, say a thing from Jordan, Jesse, go that they don't know about. I'm looking at this website where I booked the haunted pub crawl. Not a ton of information. There's a picture of a skeleton playing the piano. And apparently after the tour, if you want to keep drinking, two-for-one hurricanes at Finnegan's. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. Because that's where you want to go when you go to New Orleans, a place called Finnegan's. Yeah, and get yourself two hurricanes. Yeah. Yeah. Finnegan's easy, it's called. Anyway. But I think it'll be a lot of fun. Do you think you're going to get a chance to meet celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme? I mean, that's the goal.

That's the dream of every person who visits New Orleans. Do you just go to pubs and people tell ghost stories or are they haunted pubs? Or is it a pub crawl and you go to houses that were once haunted? I think – what I think it is is it's kind of like a – you know, you've taken a walking tour or a haunted walking tour before. I think it's that but you stop at a couple of bars and they explain maybe the history of the bar. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

That's what I assume. In Austin, I bet they do that. A lot of those buildings are supposedly haunted on 6th Street and there's a bunch of bars. Of course you get drunk. Yeah. I bet you get a chance to go to the Cocktail Museum. That's in New Orleans, our old MaxFunCon friend. And Dr. Cocktail was like the cocktail expert of the Cocktail Museum. That's in New Orleans, our old MaxFun conference. Dr. Cocktail was like

the cocktail expert of the Cocktail Museum. That sounds fun. Yeah, it sounds like a good time to me. It's no fan boat. Let me ask you a question. Then again, what is? A lot of people call it New Orleans. What do you call it? Zatarain! Yeah, now we're talking. Now we're talking.

When something momentous happens to you like you meet a real live piano playing skeleton ghost, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dumbass. For our segment, Momentous Occasions. guests. This is Claudia from Houston, Texas and I just got home from Minute Maid Park where I just finished watching the home opener of my Houston Astros for the 20th year in a row. It was a great game. George Springer hit a home run on his first at-bat

and the Astros won. Hopefully it will be a great season. Love the show guys. Have a great week. That's a lot of consecutive years to catch that home opener. Sure. Astro Dome. Close to Six Flags Astroworld. Yeah. I remember that from a family trip to Houston as a child.

Have they exploded the Astrodome yet? They've always been flirting with it. Yeah. Wait, is that something that happens in movies? They blow up the Astrodome? No, no. I mean in real life because they no longer play sports there. Oh. I didn't know that. Yeah. Maybe five, ten

years they haven't played sports there. But I know there was talk they might or might not explode if they couldn't decide what to do with it. Because it's filled with asbestos? Yeah, exactly. It's completely constructed out of asbestos which makes it very difficult to light on fire, admittedly.

Yeah. It achieved its purpose. What about- You have to saw it into even pieces, stack it, and shoot it to the moon. That's what they did with my old apartment. Yeah, there you go. What about just turning it into a giant dome to Dave and Buster's? See, now this is the kind of creative idea that, frankly, our government is missing. The fat cat's in Washington.

Thank you. We're coming up with private-public partnerships like this one to transform Houston's Astrodome into an enormous indoor Dave & Buster's. I think most Dave & Buster's are indoor. I don't think calling it indoor is setting it apart from the other Dave & Buster's. In the marina, they have Dave & Buster's. I think most Dave and Buster's are indoor. I don't think calling it indoor is setting it apart from the other Dave and Buster's. In the marina, they have Dave and Buster's out on a boat. Whoa. I wish. I just lied, but I wish.

Oh, boy, that'd be great. Why is Southern Guy coming out now? Cajun grill. Sorry. You got it. I can't stop. Southern Guy wasn't here when we were talking about the monster truck rally, but he came out when we were talking about a fictional aquatic Dave and Buster's.

I've been holding him in after you said, Serenitans. He's like, you think of that around. Serenitans. Y'all haven't played Street Fighter II Turbo until you played it on a boat. A fan boat. You haven't played a giant version of Cut the Rope or Fruit Ninja. Oh, yeah. Ski ball on the waves.

You guys haven't traded 40,000 tickets for four Tootsie Rolls. You've done it. Out on the high seas. I like that guy. He's a fun guy. He's confusing, but I like him. Yeah. What's his perspective or premise?

I don't know. I think he has his own AMC show now, though. Comes on after The Sun. I can't believe they gave him a CISO show. Honestly. This character. I don't have a CISO show. No, everybody's getting a CISO. And that guy him a CISO show Honestly I don't have a CISO show And that guy has a CISO show It's just him playing

Ski ball Hell I've got a crackle I can't even get a CBS prime ticket or whatever That's called Well you gotta subscribe to the app Even to pitch a show Really

So they get more subscribers app even to pitch a show. Really? Yeah, that's how they get more subscribers. I was pitching them. There's a pitch a show or submit your own comedy special via the app. You can search for keywords. I pitched them Star Trek procedural set at a Space Dave and Buster's. They were not buying it. Yeah, a little too. It's kind of a muddled premise.

No, it's clear as day. Yeah. No, you're right. Gotta get those tickets, buddy. Gotta get them. How are you gonna get those tootsies? Ray Liotta's on board. Yeah, of course.

Liotta's attached. Yeah, he's good in everything. We got Liotta and celebrity chef Paul Prude home. They'll bring their own certain specific kinds of intensities to the roles. Yeah, and if Paul Prudhomme is dead, we're not 100% sure on that. We're going to go ahead and get Dr. John, the night tripper. It's going to be a great show.

Is Paul Prudhomme, at least the illustration of him, looks exactly like Dom DeLuise. Oh, I don't think anyone, anyone who did not spend the years between 1983 and 1992 confused as to where Dom DeLuise ended and Paul Prude Home began. It's just an amazing, seamless transition. Yeah, they both also look a lot like Heathcliff from the cartoon Heathcliff. So that's another. Who of those three men is dead? And I realize that Heathcliff is a cat, but I think it's fun to call him a man. Well, Heathcliff's lost at least one or two of his lives, but he's got seven or eight left, okay?

As far as celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme is concerned, Daniel tells me he is deceased. Deceased. All right. How about a hand for Paul Prudhomme? concerned. Daniel tells me he is deceased. Deceased. All right. How about a hand for Paul Prudhomme? Good life. Good life. Thank you. Good life.

Thank you for your life, your wisdom, and most of all, your signature seasonings. Say when you put a whole fish in your mouth but pulled out the skeleton. Oh, that teeth clip. That's teeth clip. Come on. Thank you for all your scenes in Cannonballs run one through. Oh, now hold on. Now hold on, Chris.

You're thinking of Dom DeLuise. Come on. What's wrong with me? The late Dom DeLuise. Okay, okay. Who were you talking about again? I honestly couldn't tell you. Fat Albert, maybe? Dilbert. Dilbert. I was talking about again? I honestly couldn't tell you. Fat Albert, maybe?

Dilbert. Dilbert. I was talking about Dilbert. Dilbert. From the UPN show, though. Not from the newspaper funny strips. I don't read those. Sure.

I'm talking about Dilbert from the men's rights blog. That's my Dilbert. That's my Dilbert. Didn't Chris Elliott play Dilbert on TV? Oh, I don't know. I don't know who the voice cast of Dilbert was. I feel like the voice of Dilbert was Chris Elliott. And I also feel like the creator of Dilbert has written many frenzied emails to Chris Elliott trying to get him to sign up for the men's rights movement.

What'd you get Elliott on your side? Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern. Chris Elliot wasn't involved at all. Do we have confirmation? Was he Cat Burt? He was Dog Burt.

Who was Cat Burt? I've been meaning to do this, edit together a montage of Daniel Stern taking it in the nuts in every movie he's ever been in. There's no... Even in Breaking Away, I bet I can find a scene where his foot slips off the pedals

when they alter the relay. Paint can. And he always... The pain is so intense. Upon initial contact with his balls, he's in pain and then the pain

becomes so intense that he crosses his eyes and it becomes euphoric and he actually smiles. Have you seen him get hit so hard Oh, I'm familiar with the 90s comedy

nut take. Yeah, you got, oh, it's the best. I guess it's spanning 80s and 90s. That was his go-to. I mean, Nobody,

there was a master's workshop on Nobody did it better. No, he go-to. I mean, if there was a master's workshop on... Nobody did it better. No, he was the best. The Carly Simon have taken it in the dick. Have you ever taken it in the nuts, Chris? I took a small camera into

my urethra for about 20 minutes. Is that... Check things out up there. Don't get me started about medical. Come on. Come on, Chrissy. I've been able to dodge most kicks to the nuts. Christopher. Christopher.

I have, however, had so many cameras in every orifice. Even a tiny one into my tear duct once. Oh, boy. Look out. I tried to, but. Hey, Martha, we got fiber optics in here. Literally. Okay, right in the eye.

Optics. Yeah. Jordan, you ever taken it in the nuts? Oh, yeah, I've taken it in the nuts, baby. What was the context? Sex. What are we talking about? I had it, of course, once.

Right. No, I think as a kid, yeah, I can remember some. I mean, I don't remember specific nut shots, but I remember the feeling of getting a nut shot. I took karate classes for a while. That's a good place to get a nut shot. That's one of your best places to get a nut shot. Yeah, your T-balls, your AYSO soccers. These are all places to get it in the nuts.

One time skateboarding, I landed. I jumped off something and my board landed straight up and I landed on it and right on my taint. Oh, gee whiz. So neither foot had hit the ground yet. Oh, gee whiz. And it hurt so bad. I peed blood, all that stuff. Oh, boy.

Oh, my goodness gracious. That was the worst. It's pretty common. I think skateboarders always get like a ruptured urethra or something. Oh, right in the zatter ends. We're all doctors. It's fine. Those are coming out of their shell.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. I'm sorry, I bailed. Nah. I don't want to be the crime.

You can bail, buddy. I'm not a criminal. Come on. We're chill. Flip-flop. Pop-top. Flip-flop. Pop-top.

Slice of pizza wearing sunglasses surfing on a shark. Sure. A lizard in a hammock. Who the fuck cares? Crazy straw? Crazy straw. Flip-flop! Pop-top!

I love that guy. Can I pitch you, Jordan, real quick? Because we've been really showing up Madison Avenue lately. Boy, we sure have. And one of the big problems with Jordan Jesse Go is you listen to it and you can't make heads or tails of it. It doesn't make sense. It's incoherent. And certainly in the context of

podcasts that people like and enjoy. I prefer audio collage. Yeah, and so one of the things that we have been trying to do on Jordan Jesse Go is how do we bring in a new listener? How do we tell them what the show is so that they'll feel comfortable and be able to listen to the rest of the show? Here's my pitch to you.

Jordan, Jesse, go, colon. It ain't all nonsense. Some of it's bullshit. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's fun, right? I like that a lot. Five o'clock somewhere.

Some of it's bullshit. Can colon be spelled out? Yeah. Thank you. Should we spell it like colon in the body or like Colin Powell? Colin Powell, former Secretary of Defense. Secretary of State? State.

He was Secretary of State. Oh, okay. And he was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs maybe? Hey, you don't have to be crazy to listen to this show, but it helps. Yeah. Thanks, Jordan. But it helps. Thanks, Jordan.

But it helps. Arugula. Arugula. Arugula. Yeah. Spicy greens. All right. Well, we've had Chris Fairbanks on the program this week. Chris, what a

pleasure and a joy it is to see one of our favorite guys in the world. It has been too long and I'm really happy to see you both. It's a lot of fun. Thank you for having me. Congratulations on acquiring that boat. Oh, you know, you know me and the sea.

We sure do. She's a stern but forgiving woman. She's the sea, you're the old man. And off we go. Put this ball gag in. Right? Maybe I don't know how to sail. That's right. I think that's about right.

Yeah. Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum, gentlemen. Chris, you're doing your drive-around podcast these days, right? We've started doing it. We did one on Monday, Do You Need a Ride? We took a little hiatus. Had some family stuff going on. You had to make some room for Karen Kilgariff to become the most successful podcaster in the world.

Right. Without you. And watch the numbers on our old podcast double in that time. Holy cow. Just out of association. It's a great podcast. I got to keep my hands. Karen's like a bag of money.

Yeah. I got to keep my mitts on that day. Oh, you got to get in there. Oh, that's what I do when I see her. I need her like a cat on a sweater. And then I have a little tour coming up that's not totally, but it's like kind of a punk rock band that you like a lot, Jordan. And I'll let you know about, but that's just a teaser. So you're touring with a punk band from the late 80s or early 90s.

Yes. Great. Hopefully, and it's like a festival thing. Comedy separate, not me and music together. That would be a nightmare. Everyone knows that. People would just tell that band to shut up. Yeah.

So I'm not going to say any more than that. But you'd be very excited. Okay. All right. All right. That's coming up. That's coming up. Keep an eye on Twitter or whatever.

Yeah, my Twitter. Can I give you a tip if this thing comes together? You betcha. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I know a lot about show business and music performances. I put on a lot of festivals myself, and I performed in a lot of venues from theaters to battleships. People love the song Johnny B. Goode. Do that one. Johnny B. Goode.

I will. Way down in Louisiana. Everybody's got to get some Zadarads. Turtle, turtle shell, but it be coming out just like a ring and a bell. Ho, ho. Come on, Johnny Guac and daniel baruella on the board this week our producer brian sunny d fernandez you can find us on reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com you can like us on facebook where jordan has shared a picture of himself licking a cat with a giant tongue brush.

Video. Yeah, video. It's a full video. Full motion. It's FMV. Yeah. You can play that on your Philips CD Interactive or your Sega CD system. Sega CD, 3DO, Panasonic 3DO.

If you have a CD-ROM PC, you're going to need 486 or better. Eight megabytes RAM. But if you've got that plus CD read-only memory drive, you should be good to go. You're going to need VGA. Oh, and just so the story makes sense, finish Sewer Shark first. Yeah.

Sewer Shark, so you'll know kind of where it is. In a way, it's a... You can enjoy it without it, but there's like little Easter eggs. Would you say it's a spiritual sequel to Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective? It's in the universe, certainly. Right. It's like a spinoff story. Like a standalone spinoff story like that recent Star Wars film.

Exactly. Maximumfun.org is where you can find us on the internet. Talk about the show on Twitter. Hashtag it JJ Go. Hey, how about this, Jordan? If you like the show, why not post a little thing? Hey, one of my favorite podcasts is Jordan Jesse Go. That'd be great.

I think we'd all appreciate that. Is it on iTunes? It's on iTunes. You should probably go on iTunes. Give it a good rating. Give it a rating. Rate it. Review it.

It's not all nonsense. Some of it's bullshit. Some of it's bullshit. You don't have to be crazy to listen. As long as Daddy isn't in town. I'm pointing at myself, calling myself Daddy. Yeah. Remember's not all nonsense. Some of it's bullshit. Some of it's bullshit. You don't have to be crazy to listen. As long as daddy isn't in town. I'm pointing at myself, calling myself daddy. Yeah. Member FDIC.

The great Chris Fairbanks. His podcast. Member FDIC. Is Do You Need a Ride? You can catch him on tour with a punk rock band that Jordan liked from the late 1980s or early 1990s. Soon. Soon. In undisclosed places.

I've maybe said too much. No. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse. Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

Jump up, turn around and sock somebody.