Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 476: Bag of Tariffs

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

In a rare guest-less episode, Jesse tries to sell Jordan on the virtues of flannel-lined chinos, Jordan brings another NSFW question to the table from Reddit, and the guys get real about buffets.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Looking beautiful in a nice blue pin dot. Thank you, thank you. Uh, I'm, I told you, a peek behind the curtain. Yeah. Before we started recording.

Yeah. I told you that I had recently gotten some new warm weather shirts. Congratulations, Troy. Thank you. It's getting warmer. I had on like a cardigan in recent weeks when I was going to work. I had to ditch that asshole because it got too hot. Can I tell you what I do when it gets hot in here? Take off all my clothes.

Are you getting so hot? Yeah, I'm going to take my clothes off. Do you want to take your clothes off? Yeah, absolutely. We have a lot of that warm weather here in Los Angeles. I understand how you can get some warm weather shirts. You've got to make the turn. Eventually, you've got to get ready and make the turn.

That's something about seasons. You've got to know. Here it comes, and you've got to commit to it. Because otherwise, you're going to be in a bunch of chamois shirts. It's going to be a temperate May. I don't want that. It's the last thing you want. Now, you were, again, not to lean totally on this off-mic conversation that we were having.

But before we started recording, you were trying to sell me on the idea of flannel-lined chinos. Oh, yeah. Part of me is intrigued, but also part of me thinks that this might not be a good idea. Okay, Jordan, let's get into this, because we barely touched on it off-microphone, and this is an important topic. Yeah, we were just flitting from topic to topic, like hummingbirds to different flowers. Yeah, or different topics of conversation. They have very lively conversations, hummingbirds.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, absolutely. One minute they're talking about nectar. The next minute they're talking about beating their wings very fast. And how they'll fly for a little bit even if they're shot. Yeah. They'll be dead and flying. Is that a real thing?

Yeah, I think so. I think hummingbirds fly for a little bit. If you, like, would, you know, shoot a hummingbird with a BB gun or something, it would, like, stay airborne for a little while even though it had died. Like cutting off the head of a chicken and it still runs around? I think it's a similar thing. Where do you think a hummingbird's central nervous system is located? Its tail feathers? I think they're all central nervous system.

They're so tiny. Oh, yeah. I think they're one big nerve ball. That sounds cool. That does sound really cool. That's like me before I take a test, okay? That's me after I've had too much cold brew. Yeah, you got it, buddy.

I – so in recent months, I have tried to cut down the amount of coffee that I'm drinking. And you have gone through periods where your coffee consumption was off the charts. Ebbs and flows. I've had feast times and famine times when it comes to coffee. Just depending on what my schedule is, what's demanded of me, how smelly I'd like my poops to be. These are all things I take into consideration when I'm wondering how much coffee to drink. Jordan, the first question that people ask me when they find out that I know Jordan Morris and that I know him so closely, they ask me, well, how does he smell? Yeah.

And I'll tell you, the man smells sweet as a rose. Okay, sweet- Sure, thank you. Sweet as the sweetest rose. It's actually a green tea shampoo, but- Got it. There was, at the height of your coffee, you smelled a little bit. Coffee man.

Yeah. Smelled like coffee man. This was like three years ago, I want to say. Yeah. There was a period where you always had coffee. In that period, there was coffee coming out of your body. Sure. In a variety of forms, none of which smelled as sweet as a rose.

So, coffee consumption is significantly less than that these days. Yeah. And so – and we pushed our work schedule forward a little bit. So we're starting a little later than we usually do. Right. So trying to cut back on the coffee. I don't need it as much. And if I'm drinking it, it's just to have something to do with my hands.

Right. Might as well have a kombucha then. Sure, yeah. Or just be caught in a Chinese finger trap all the time. Right. Or trying to kill hummingbirds. Yeah. Just to watch them fly for a little bit.

Should our show be anti-hummingbird? I think that's a fun stance. Don't you and a colleague have an opinion about them being the rats of the sky? No. So here's the conversation. Yeah. Me and Emmy Blotnick, who I formerly worked with, now she works on the Comedy Central Donald Trump talk show. Yeah.

So we would often eat lunch outside together, and our office is ground zero for hummingbird parties. Right. It's like a warehouse where hummingbirds go to rave. Sounds magical. It's very magical. Well, I think it's magical. I like seeing those little scooties scooting in and out, flying around from flower to flower, talking about how they fly even in death. I think that Scoots is a good name for hummingbirds.

It would be a better name for hummingbirds if it wasn't also a word for poop accidents. Scoots? Yeah, like little scoots. I've never heard scoots. I've never heard scoots in terms of poop accidents. I think I've got the scoots as like a way of saying you have like diarrhea. Interesting. I think that's true.

Okay. Do you say that? No. Okay. This may be like from a script that I wrote in my head in a dream or something like that. Oh, okay. I'm not standing behind this. Where you're like a folksy southern man with diarrhea.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Ooh, lordy lord, you say. I'm out here getting diarrhea again. I got the scoots real bad. I got them scoots. I almost got the scoots. Oh, boy, baby.

I've got them scoots. On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another little baby's got those scoots in his diaper. In his diaper. The only place to eat around me is the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. I got them scoots. We're way off base here. Real bad. You're in this magical.

So, yeah. So, I always liked it when the hummingbirds would come around. Right. I mean, Blotnick did not like it when the hummingbirds would come around because she thought that they had rodent-like qualities. And we eventually came to call them slimy air mice. Right. Now, I don't think they are slimy air mice.

Right. But that is such a fun thing to call them that I started calling them that. I can understand that entirely. Yeah. So, you know, I hope hummingbirds don't take offense. I like them. And I hope that they started calling them that. I can understand that entirely. Yeah. So, you know, I hope homing birds don't take offense. I like them. And I hope that they fly around my head. Maybe they try and get a little nectar from my ear.

That'd be a fun misunderstanding. Yeah. That would be compelling. What was it, the thing that we were talking about, them pants, right? Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Wool chinos? No.

Flannel-lined chinos. Not a wool flannel. Wool chinos. Cotton flannel. Oh, okay. This is something that- I was envisioning a wool flannel-lined chinos. Not a wool flannel, cotton flannel. Oh, okay. This is something that... I was envisioning a wool flannel, so already I'm rethinking my position. Go ahead.

Go ahead! This is probably what a Northeastern sea captain wears under those yellow slickers. You know what I'm talking about? Sure. Oh, got to get out there on the sea. I'm the fish stick man. That's right. On the front of the fish stick box, I am.

Oh. Mr. Hellman's? What are those called? No, that's mayonnaise. Cod? No, that's laughable. I would never catch cod. I catch a different type of fish, and I know the differences between fish because I'm a seaman.

That's right. A seaman am I, catching halibut out there. Oops. I got the scoots. Oh, man. Captain's got the scoots. Elvis, what are you doing on board? Oh, I had to take another job after my music career went south.

Now I'm on this fish stick boat getting the scoots. Trading the colonel for the admiral, am I right? Oh, baby, the colonel's mad at me. How is this whole livelihood? A flannel chino is the most comfortable single garment available to wear for a man. Sure. It surpasses a sweat pant. It surpasses a cashmere sweat pant.

Because it lets you retain your dignity while having secret softness. Oh, secret softness. Exactly. So what you're doing is... That's why I always have a little hamster in my pants. That's what I call daddy's secret softness. They die a lot. I spend a lot on hamsters.

My hamster budget is pretty out of control these days. The truth is hamsters are going to die one way or the other. That's true. Nobody's ever had a long-lived hamster. Yeah, they might as well die in your pants. It's one of those ways to get that- Giving daddy a fuzzy little secret. I have so much confidence in my showbiz meetings.

Daddy's got a fuzzy secret. He's got a hamster in his drawers. Oh, yeah, baby. This is your equivalent of Donald Trump pushing things away from him. Have you seen that gif? Oh, yeah. Sure, of Donald Trump sliding a water glass. Yeah. Various things. I think yours is

daddy's little secret is that you got that hamster in your pants. Yeah. I mean, I'm gearing up for presidential run. I don't think I've been secretive about that. It's something I've always wanted to do. That's right out there since you're approaching 35. Yeah. So I think I should start, you know, I should start with power moves. Right.

You know, I should start, you know, gaining power moves. I mean, Right. You know, I should start, you know, gaining power moves. I mean, speaking of Donald Trump, I mean, boy, this guy's a real inspiration to me. I don't know if you've seen his handshake where he like cranks the arm back and forth. No, I haven't seen that. That's also a good compilation to watch sometime. Donald Trump handshakes. He he grabs and he he'll push you and then pull you in. He'll push you back and then pull you in. He's kind of working your arm like it was one of those hobo train carts. Yeah. You know those hobo train carts?

What is that? Oh, the ones where you pump them up and down and they drive down the track? Yeah. That's not – is that for hobos? I thought that was for train company employees. I think hobos steal them often. Hobos respect the law first and foremost, right? No, they're gentleman rogues.

Then who enforced the law in the Depression? Oh, you're right. It was wandering bands of vigilante hobos. Right? Excuse me, I have a movie to write. What do you think those bindles are for, buddy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, there you go. So, yeah, so, I mean, I think if I am going to be

president, and I think I have a shot at it. I think you got a fair shot. Yeah. I mean, if Hillary Clinton can be a candidate for president, why not you? Yeah, right. Exactly. So, yeah, I think I'm going to start just kind of collecting these kind of, you know, powerful eccentricities.

And I think hamster in the pants is a good start. Yeah. So, here's my concern about flannel-lined chinos. What's the concern? I'm not a man who likes to be hot. I'm not a man who likes to be itchy. That's got to be difficult for you because you're naturally hot, my friend. Yeah.

I mean, that's my hot British blood that my ancestors come from across the pond. Right. And yeah, you know what they say about we Brits. Yeah. Spicy. Yeah. Spicy Brits. Prone to explosions.

Yeah. Spicy, fiery Britons. Yeah. Just like their, yeah, just like their spicy cabbage that they can't stop eating. Yeah. They need it. Ooh, give me some of them taters. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Ooh, these wet taters. Hot, hot, hot. Yeah, that's why we like our, yeah, we Britons, we run hot and we like our food damp. Everything's a little damp. It's not wet, but it feels like it's been out in the fog. They've left it out and it's got some fog clinging to it. Let's add some cream to that, baby.

So, I don't like to be hot. Right. But I would much prefer to be hot upstairs than downstairs. So I am worried that, you know, given the climate that we're in, I would not have a lot of cause to wear these because I think if the temperature jumped up even a little bit from when I put them on, I would go, Jesus Christ, it's hot downstairs. Daddy's hamster is going to die. That's where daddy keeps his hamster. Look, I don't want to be responsible for the health and well-being of your hamsters. Okay. That's number one. That's the ASPCA's job. Right. That's why you run that credit at the end of every day. Sure. That says that they've ensured the safety of all the animals involved in the production okay however i will say that my experience was i bought flannel line chinos thinking they were going to be a novelty garment thinking that from time to time

like you'd wear them to a theme party or something yes a modest northeasterner yeah a main themed party i mean yeah when you're running down when you're running down the theme parties that are really going to get the place popping yeah i mean everybody loves an 80s party yeah you know you put on your fanny pack you put on your hyper color tea you dance around to aha right i mean Right. I mean, that's good. You know, pimps and hoes. Sure. Everybody loves pimps and hoes. Everybody loves a pimps and hoes party. But yeah, I mean, yeah, I think after that, when you're talking about pop and theme parties, the main region, that shit gets nuts, right?

I got invited to a Cambridge Square bookseller themed party. Okay. And that's why I initially needed them. Yeah. I wanted to look like a Boston-based seller. In my case, it was, you know, different people take it different directions. In my case, it was a dealer of rare and out-of-print books. You know what parts that I love the most of the main theme party?

When they spray all the hot ladies with chowder. Yeah. So much melted butter. Yeah. I know, right? It's amazing. So, okay. So you bought these flannel chinos.

Right. So you're like, I have these. This will be a once or twice a year thing. Right. But you're wearing them more than that. I found myself, I put them on once on a genuinely cold day. Like one day it was genuinely cold outside. And I put them on and I thought, oh, this is right.

You know, it's like putting the last piece in the puzzle. You put it in there, you're like, look at that. It is the exact same shape as the hole in this puzzle. This is a goddamn doggy. Only I was feeling. I didn't see it before. Yeah. But now hole in this puzzle. This is a goddamn doggy. Only I was feeling – I didn't see it before. Yeah. But now I'm – I suspected it might be a doggy.

Now I know it's a doggy. It was filling – rather than filling that last piece of a physical jigsaw puzzle, it was filling in an emptiness inside me. Oh, okay. Where coziness should be. Now have you thought about putting Jesus there? I've thought about it. I've been told by a lot of cool dudes who really have it together. Have their own acoustic guitars.

Have their own acoustic guitars. Yeah. And a lot of tattoos that, if you look closer at, are pretty lame. Yeah. That, if you have a hole in your heart, you should consider putting Christ there. If Jesus, I think this, if Jesus had, if flannel-lined Chino had been in the Holy Land

at the time of the life of the Christ, all that static that happened, you know, all that friction that happened to my man JC? Yeah, yeah. Might never have happened. Hmm. You know why? Hmm. Pontius my man JC? Yeah, yeah. Might never have happened. Hmm. You know why?

Hmm. Pontius Pilate, too cozy. Yeah. Okay, just too cozy the whole goddamn time. Judas, that guy's chill as fuck. He's just hanging out enjoying how soft the feeling is around his legs. It's like, ooh, I'm wearing like presentable pajamas. Yeah. I feel dignified but cozy.

I mean, I don't need any more silver. Exactly. I've got it pretty good. Realistically, how many shekels do I need when these things are 40% off right now at Land's End? Well, that is a great deal. If they had had Land's End at the time, can you imagine all

the things that Jesus would have had monogrammed? Yeah. Just the dog beds. Mm-hmm. Field jackets. Like a nice, like a bag for a long weekend. Oh, yeah. Jesus loves.

A weekender. Yeah. Jesus loved a weekender. That's something that is not covered in the New Testament. Mm-hmm. That it may be in the Book of Mormon. I have not read the Book of Mormon, but I can tell you it's not in the New Testament, but I can confirm it. Jesus loved a good weekend.

Palm Springs. Oh, my God. The Son of God? Are you kidding me? Going out to Ojai. Yeah, he loved Ojai. And once in a while, not all the time, once a year, he'll do Vegas.

Sure. He's not a Vegas guy. If the boys are coming. If the boys are coming. And it doesn't have to be all about the clubs and the bling. Let's say the Apostle Peter is getting married. If Petey's getting married,

I still call him Petey. We've known each other since we were kids. You throw everybody into the Pete. If Petey's getting married, I still call him Petey. Yeah. We've known each other since we were kids. You throw everybody into the party van. Right. Petey. Right. John.

John. Judy Jude. The whole gang. Judy. Judy. Judy. Judy Jude. You send them down to Vegas. And the thing about Las Vegas is a lot of people think the only thing to do is gamble or whatever.

But you can go see shows. Yeah. Let's be realistic. Let's say you're the son of God sent to Earth to die for all of our sins. Right. I can get in that headspace. Okay. Do you not want to go see Rita Rudner?

She's one of the- You got the weekend free. Yeah. Listen, and if there's one thing I know about Jesus is that his favorite edition of HBO's Comic Relief was 92. You got it. Rudner's set on Comic Relief 92 is iconic. And he would love to see that in person.

Ooh la la. Mm-hmm. And you know what? Rudner's never been better. Anyone who's ever seen a painting of The Last Supper knows this. Jesus loved a buffet. That's true. But Jesus before an affordable, mid to high quality buffet.

I have had a lot of different kinds of buffets. Yeah. I've never really liked any of them. I think that's probably a common buffet complaint. I think this is probably a pretty basic opinion to have. But they're not good, right? Nothing about them is good. I mean.

It's fun. It's fun. I like Jell-O. Like it's fun to do. Sure. I will say the one buffet that I think is unambiguously good is a Sunday bar. Oh, sure. Yeah.

No, that's good. You're right. Because if you go to Sizzler or something like that, none of the food is really good. None of it is a disaster, but none of it is any good. But it doesn't matter if ice cream is good. It's still ice cream is good. It's still ice cream. Sure.

And you can really make it disgusting in a way that you can't at home. Like, I just don't have the equipment to make a really gross fucking pile of sundae at my house. Sure, yeah. You don't have sundae stuff. Yeah. I mean, I have a, don't get me wrong, I usually got a little whipped cream in the refrigerator. I got a little caramel sauce. Sure.

Maybe I got- Maybe a magic shell. Maraschino cherries. Mm-hmm. But I don't have the full complement. You don't have chopped peanuts and jimmies. Oh. You don't keep jimmies in the house.

No, not even, the only time I'm using jimm's is when I'm at a Maine-themed party. The rest of the time it's all sprinkles. Right. That's what you do when the Maine-themed party gets really nuts. Right. You hit the ladies with the chowder hose. And then here come the Jimmy's. Got it, buddy.

Yeah, I mean. And you know what? Hey. Indian buffet. Oh, Indian buffet. Yeah, that's a buffet. Indian buffet's pretty good. That's a good buffet. Because there's what? Hey. Indian buffet. Oh, Indian buffet. Yeah, that's a buffet. Indian buffet's pretty good. That's a good buffet.

Because there's a lot of stewy foods. Sure. You're looking for a stewed food if you're going to slop it. Something that gets a nice skin on top. Yeah. If you're hitting it any time after one, it'll have a nice skin. The nice thing about Indian cuisine is they have the best slops by far. Sure.

Yeah, the best dollops. The best dollop-based foods. There's no food if you're at a Chinese food buffet or you're at a Mexican food buffet or you're at an all-American steak and seafood buffet or something like that. None of the foods there are really going to squelch in the high-quality buffet way that an Indian buffet is. And those foods are going to be delicious. It's like slow cooker food. Yeah.

And you can lay down. There are certain things you can put in a slow cooker and then eight hours later they're really good. And other ones, eight hours later, they're sad and limp. You know what I mean? Yeah. Indian is good with that. And you can just make a little naan base. Yeah.

You can lay that down. Yeah. Slop it on top. Yeah. Fold it up at the end. Yeah. Daddy's feeling nice in the pants. Can I tell you something that I've been doing lately with my Indian food, and I'm just going to run this by you.

Please, yeah. I just skip the rice. I just go all naan. Yeah. I don't need the rice. I eat it off the naan.. I eat it off the naan. Yeah, eat it off the naan. And get a load of this.

I'm skipping plain naan. It's paneer naan or nothing for me. Oh, boy. Sorry, plain naan. Later for you, garlic naan. I need cheese inside my naan or I'm not fucking with you. Cubed cheese. Cube that shit.

Cheese that's been a cube at some point. Give me a new cheese. Yeah. Nice white cheese. A that's been a cube at some point. Give me a new cheese. Yeah. Nice white cheese, a nice new white cheese, a young cheese. I maybe like a variety of naan more than you do, but I like the idea of that being the starch. I think that's great. Right? Mm-hmm.

Or I don't remember what the name of the one that looks like a spiral and it's a little more fried than a naan. I hear you. You know the one I'm talking about, though? Yeah, yeah. Looks like an earthwork. I'm picturing this bread. If you're picturing an overhead photograph. Like a crop circle.

From the sky of an earthwork. You know, a large-scale art installation in a spiral shape. It's like spiral jetty. Yeah. That's the Indian flatbread I'm talking about. India's got a lot of good starches. Oh, yeah. They do a nice job with that.

That's why they're called the land of a thousand starches. Is that where that came from? Yeah, that's where that expression came from. I'm putting those together now. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. Flannel-lined chinos.

I should give them a shot. What am I dropping? $45? If you catch the right Land's End sale, you're looking at $40, $45. If you're going in there paying full freight, which with Land's End, I cannot recommend in good conscience, but if you're going to go in and pay full freight,

I'm going to say $70. Okay. But even at $70, I think it's a value. Simply for the coziness. Mm-hmm. The common, there's no, here's the essential thing. There's nowhere else

where you can get the combination of coziness and dignity that you get in a flannel lunch, you know. So you will feel like

you are wearing a pair of juicy sweatpants. You will feel like you're wearing a fucking snuggie and nothing else. You're nude in a snuggie and Crocs or Uggs.

But you look like you're headed to Kennebunkport to play some touch football. Yeah. You look like you're ready to hang out at the Kennedy compound. Oh, boy. I would love to hang out at the Kennedy compound. Do you still have a compound? I think they've subdivided that. Yeah.

Well, it's like an Airbnb now. still have a compound i think they've subdivided that yeah well it's like an airbnb now they've got it on vrbo.com yeah they're like we're not sure we trust airbnb but we do like to rent it out for a little side income i didn't know i guess i don't know what vrbo is that's the vacation rentals by owner that's the That's the alternate Airbnb. That's shitty Airbnb, basically. Gotcha, sure. I mean, like, Airbnb has weird shittinesses about it. But VRBO, VRBO is like where you would go to get like a condo, to rent like somebody's condo in Kauai. It's just getting harder and harder to tell what apps are evil.

I know mozzarella sticks are good. Oh, yeah. Mozzarella sticks are great. Yeah. But like which gig economy apps are exploitative? And I wonder sometimes when I use Airbnb if I'm supporting one of the evil ones. Well, you run into a central problem, which is capitalism is fundamentally exploitative. Oh, okay.

Exploitation is the entire premise of our economic system. So what you're saying is to do what I want and not think about who it's affecting. Right. Just get what I can. I should grab, grab, grab, grab. The important part is that when you do it, you explain why you're doing it while taking pauses in your sentence.

I like that idea. Listen, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, boy, do we have sponsors on this week's program. We sure do. Thank goodness.

Yes. Thank, that is one of the most important parts of the program, having a good sponsor. Well, hey, we've got a great one today. Yeah. It's our friends at Blue Apron and, of course, their famous slogan that all the kids are saying, which is... Oh, let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes. Indeed, Blue Apron is an internet meal service that ships you great meals through the mail.

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What's that, Jordan? You're also getting carrots and ginger fried rice. Ooh, that sounds good. Let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes, indeed. They also got parmesan crusted chicken with creamy fettuccine and roasted broccoli, baby broccoli, and fontina paninis with hard-boiled egg and arugula salad. Lots of great stuff from BlueApron.com for less than $10 per person.

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but I think we all know their real slogan is... Blue Apron, let me at them cakes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You're looking at Reddit?

I'm looking at Reddit. I think listeners who have listened to the past couple Jordan, Jesse, goes will know that one of my favorite places to hang out online is Ask Reddit NSFW. Ask Reddit. That's like where you go and you say grocery store checkers. What's the weirdest list of items anyone's bought from you at the grocery store or something like that? Yeah, yeah. And it's or, you know, like what should I take into account when purchasing an above ground hot tub? It's either people kind of soliciting for kind of crazy stories or just people who need some like practical advice.

Right. But. Watertight. That's one of the main considerations. Right. Can, will my wife get pregnant if we fuck in there? Yeah, probably not. Well, hey, that, yeah.

I've heard that it's, I've heard that you can't get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub. It kills the sperm. So, if you're listening, that's a fact. I guess that's why I'm not pregnant. And assume it's true. Go ahead and blast inside your loved one. Or let your loved one blast inside of you. As long as you're in an

above-ground hot tub. Go ahead and sue us afterwards. Yeah, this won't hold up in court, asshole. You'll have to explain to the judge what a podcast is first. Ultimately, the Achilles heel of this, you'll have to explain to the judge why you were listening to this podcast. Boy, yeah, this will not, yeah, this is. You will not be a credible witness once you explain what happens on this show. You will seem like an unsavory character.

Yeah. Judge is like, oh, podcast. I'm listening to happens on this show. You will seem like an unsavory character. Yeah. Just like, oh, a podcast. I'm listening to S-Town. You'll say, well. Is it like that? Well, they don't talk to their producer as much in a car as I'd like. Yeah. Anyway, go ahead.

So the Ask Reddit in SFW is a not that populated subreddit where people ask naughty after dark style questions. Right. And because it is not a busy subreddit, basically no one answers. Can I ask you, when you say naughty after dark questions, you mean naughty questions about the screensaver suite after dark? Right. Yeah. Right.

How do the flying toasters fuck? Yeah. Got it. Got two perfectly good holes. Yeah. right. How do the flying toasters fuck? Yeah. Got it. Got two perfectly good holes. Yeah. Shove something in both. Alternate. So, but I, but sometimes you do get a lively discussion. And I think with this question, with this question, we'll see that a lot of interesting issues are being brought up.

Right. So this is Ask RedditditNSFW. The title of the question is, How do you get off to professional porn? Mm-hmm. So it seems like before you click on this, this guy just has never masturbated before. Because here's the truth.

Or lady, I guess I should say. I mean, I'm assuming that because of the nature of the question and where I'm reading it from, it's a man, but it could be a woman or someone who doesn't identify as either gender. Professionals are great at pornography. Sure. That's why they're paid the big bucks. By the big bucks, I mean probably $200.

Something really sad. Sure. Something painfully sad generally. Probably varies wildly if you're talking about men or women. But it is a product designed to get you off. Sure. There's no purpose to it other than, like, let's say I had a Honda Element. I can take that to the store to get my groceries,

or I can take my dogs to the dog park. It's a multi-use vehicle. Sure. Camping. Pornography has but one purpose, and it is quite sploochy. This guy is asking, how do you get off to professional porn?

I click on this thing. I think this guy just wants someone to describe jacking off to him. Right. But he has a larger concern. It's called JOI, Jack Off Instructions. Just need some JOIs over here. But yeah, I think that this guy has a, I think a legitimate, a legitimate concern. Right.

That I think speaks to the moment we're in, the national moment. Right. The zeitgeist. How do you get off to professional porn? Seriously, how do you get off watching 4K porn that takes place in mansions which us peasants will never afford to live in in our sorry lives. It just throws all sense of realism out the window. This is a Marxist critique.

Yes, yes. He also seems to have a complaint about the resolution of porn, 4K. Is that what he's talking about? That's a very high-key porn. Or that it cost $4,000 to make. You and I don't live in a 4K world. No. Not in our middle-class incomes.

Of course not. We're just regular lunch pail Joes. Sure. Just fucking lunch pails. Yeah. Toasters the normal shit. So one of the comments is, you seem to be fairly limited in the types of porn that you're watching. Or maybe all straight porn is like that.

I don't really know. And then he replies, the question asker replies, I'm very diverse. So a lively discussion that I think raises some good points. I mean, I think that the element of lifestyle is an underrated part of any pornography viewing experience. I mean, we just talked about it a couple weeks ago that I feel profoundly that nothing boosts my ego or my sense of my own elegance more than watching amateur pornography and seeing what shitty homes people live in. Yeah. So you like it. So maybe it shitty homes people live in. Yeah. So you like it. So maybe it is dual purpose for you.

Right. It sounds like you are having a Honda Element experience here. As a smug public radio host in San Franciscan, I can't even achieve an erection without feeling superior to someone. And so that allows me that thing. I think that's true. Sure. And so that allows me that thing. I think that's true. If it's a man and a woman and they're both wearing pearls and ball gowns and they're in one of those mansions with a white grand piano in it, yeah, I understand that.

Because you can't feel better than them. It doesn't give you the power you crave. Right. So you like knowing that you could send the performers an Amazon gift card and it would make their day. Right. So you like knowing that you could send the performers an Amazon gift card and it would make their day. Right. Just let's brainstorm here for a second. Okay. I think let's take this guy's complaint and see if we can construct a kind of pornography that really talks about how real people live.

Right. You know, I think let's – A people's pornography. And I think that's what, you know, your work in public radio is largely about. It's like how do – how are we living now? How are we living now? I love to hear real stories from real Americans. They're better than movies about superheroes.

Told without notes. Yeah. Okay. I like to walk the tightrope and say, everyone has a story. That's what I say in my work. That's what I assert in my work. Sure. Everyone has a story.

We just have to have ears to listen to it. Hi. I'm Jesse Thorne from National Public Radio. So can we construct a kind of pornographic scenario that is the kind of mean, you know, American existence? Yeah. So maybe it starts like how I assume most of the country's, you know, sexual experiences start in the bar of a Chili's. Yeah. I mean, and again, I don't make it out to the rest of the country a lot.

I mean, I'm here working in media. Right. But I think I have a pretty good idea of what goes on because I'm on Twitter. We're in show business. Yeah. Okay? We can't. We don't have time.

We don't have time to visit these other states. No, uh-uh. We're in Los Angeles. Sure. We tell you what to think. So how I imagine the rest of the world fucks. You start out and you're in a bar at a Chili's. Is it a Chili's or a Chili's 2?

Well, those are in airports. Got it. I think so. Although I would love a standalone Chili's 2. I would love a way, and maybe that's the second business we can have, is a way to get that Chili's Airport feel without going on the long trip. Yeah. Without having to go through those intrusive airport scanners. Yeah, I would love that.

You know how they have those combination Taco Bell KFCs? Yeah. Maybe we could have a combination Chili's 2 and TGI Friday Express. Oh, what about this? Scrap that. Yeah.

Chili's 3. Oh, snap. What is that? What is Chili's 3? Yeah. Is it vomiting? What is Chili's three? Yeah. Is it vomiting? It's either a step below Chili's two or a step above Chili's prime.

Yeah. Let's make a white tablecloth Chili's. Yeah, I like that. Fine dining and a bigger wine list. Yeah. Maybe they have a mixologist. Boof. Yeah. Order some Boof. What's that? It's French for beef. list. Yeah. Maybe they have a mixologist. Buff. Yeah. Or some buff. What's that?

It's French for beef. Sure. Can I have a buff? Buff. Buff. Buff. Excuse me. Could I have le buff?

Can I talk about a Shia LeBeouf story I read recently? Uh-huh. So, and this, okay, so we, I'll say we are, I think at the time of this recording, we're on hiatus from at midnight, taking a week-long break. The television program you work for. And without fail, whenever we go on hiatus, something fucking perfect happens. Right. That would be the greatest segment on the show. Right.

I will continuously point to the time we went on hiatus and then Screech stabbed somebody at a Laughlin casino. And then I think we also went on break during the guy from Creed's meltdown, which I think in hindsight turned out to be a little bit sad. Yeah. And maybe was for the best that we didn't make fun of him on TV. Yeah. He was more of a sad man than anything else. But Screech, I mean, we had him on The Sound of Young America 20 years ago, 15 years ago. Yeah.

He was a monstrous human being. Bad man. Yeah. He's a bad person. A bad man. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I think we probably could have felt okay dicking on Screech.

And I'm sorry if we have learned since then that Screech has some, like, you know, mental problems or something like that. And, you know, if that's the case, I think we all hope he gets treatment. Hey, how about this? Because he's brought us so much laughter. How about this for a mental problem? He's an asshole. Yeah.

Sure, I'm going to prescribe him one of these and one of these. For the whole audience, I'm holding up my fists. Take these and call me in the morning if you manage to wake up. From my pummeling that may kill you. I deserve to take your life. That's right. I deserve to snuff out the light of your life. So the perfect thing will always happen.

Something that makes, you know, that would make an amazing segment. And no sooner do we go on hiatus that Shia LaBeouf gets in a fight with a guy who runs a bowling alley who wouldn't serve him nachos. He called him a racist and then stormed out of the bowling alley but had to come back in the bowling alley because he forgot he was still wearing his shoes. Now, I don't know how much of that story is true. Yeah. Read it in a gossip rag. Right. And it was just a secondhand account.

Right. There's not video of all of this. You read this in art forum. Sure. Yeah. I read it in Famous Monsters. I was reading about the Wolfman and what's going on with Shia LaBeouf.

Yeah, what's happening in movie land. I like that story so much I'm just going to choose to believe it's true unless Shia LaBeouf personally sits me down and tells me why it's not. So here's the other thing I think we were trying to accomplish. Yeah.

Taking this guy from Reddit. Yeah. Giving him the nice down the middle. Right. Up the alley porn. Right. That he wants. He wants a people's pornography.

He wants a proletariat pornography. It's something for John Lunchbox to crank it to. You know, like you and me. He wants to pound it to something that is honest and represents not the people who control the capital, but the people who generate the wealth. Right.

That's the regular man. The worker. The cogs. So it's a couple, probably a heterosexual couple, just because that's the broadest audience. Sure, yeah. I'm not against any other kind.

Of course. But, yeah, I think we're going by this guy's – Might as well shoot broad. Sure. They meet – Let's call them Jack and Diane. Jack and Diane. No reason.

Couple kids. Yeah. Are they meeting in the Chili's bar or are they going there – are they meeting there? Do they – Well, the plant just closed. Sure. And so they're at the Chili's drinking away their problems. Yeah.

Because, you know, the problem. Let's get a couple more house Cadillac margs over here, they say. Because the issue here, Jordan, and I don't mean to make this all about theory, but the capitalist controls the means of production. So when he closes the plant, the job disappears. Okay. Certainly, the proletariat could go and with those machines could create wealth. Capitalists has prevented it. Okay.

So they're in the Chili's drinking Cadillac Margs. Yeah. Don't mean to get too Marxistic here, but they're drinking Cadillac Margs. Sure. Yeah. Don't mean to get too Marxist here, but they're drinking Cadillac Marge. Sure. And, you know, they decide that they should probably call it a night a little bit early.

Yeah. Because she's got a baby shower in the morning. Are they there together? Is it meet cute? No, I think they met there. They know each other through friends of friends. Got it. I think this is like a fifth date.

Oh, okay. That's nice. Yeah. But they both lost their jobs they worked at different ends different plants yeah these plants have both been closed right uh and then we'll see the boss at some point in this this is there's a long build-up to the fucking hair ones will cut to the boss and he's a pig in a tuxedo yeah smoking a cigar yeah does he have a monocle or is that too much? Yeah, he has a monocle in a bag that says tariffs on it. So this is their boss. This week's

episode isn't called tariffs. So we cut to him just to let the viewer know that they're, you know, they've got a foot on their neck. But they work at, the two of them work at different plants. Or a hoof on their neck. But the two of them work at different plants. Or a hoof on their neck, rather. One of them works at an auto plant.

Let's say the other one works at a plant plant, making those plants that you buy at Ikea. Sure, yeah. It's a plant plant. All that's moving to Sweden. Right. Back to its native Sweden. Right. Because of these clowns in the White House.

Right. And their drones. Oh, my God. The clowns and their drones. Speaking of drones. Clowny dronies. Hey, what about Ben Stein? Am I right?

Yeah. Good drone. Good drone on that guy. Thanks for the drones, Ben Stein. Mm-hmm. Okay. Hey, Jordan. Yeah.

Speaking of drones. Yeah. Hey, thanks for the drones, industrial box fan. Yeah. And hey, thanks for the drones, some radio head albums not all of them some some some uh same plants closed down yeah a pig did it yeah pig pig with a tuxedo did it right they decide they need to probably call it a night a little bit early she's got a baby shower in the morning say well should we go back to my place or your place?

You're seeing all this. Right. Should we go back to my place or your place? He's like, well, your place is a little further, but I think I'm better to drive. Right. I had a big lunch. Right. You're seeing all this.

Yeah. They get in the car. Do you see the lunch? Yeah, you see him eat lunch. Yeah, you definitely see him eat lunch. Big old bologna sandwich. Big old bologna. You know one of those sandwiches where you just take, you know, you put the bread down and you take the packet of bologna, you open it up, put it all on there, put another piece of bread.

Washer down, Arizona iced tea. You got it. 99 cents, you get 43 ounces. This is enormous. It's a very big tea. Just licking it. The Arnold Palmer on the side is life-sized. Sure.

It's like you're drinking out of his skull. Speaking of which, when we're starting businesses, can we start Palmer Skull Vodka? That would be great. Okay, go ahead. Does Palmer have to be dead? We can kill him if we need to. After we kill Screech. Pretty sure Jack Nicklaus is dead.

Yeah. So, yeah, so they go back to Kiz's place. It's a little further, but he's good to drive. They leave her car in the Chili's parking lot. She knows the manager. So she's like, hey, I'm going to come back for it tomorrow. You think she might be getting evicted? From her house?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if you think that'll make it more compelling and relatable to the common man, sure. Absolutely. Yeah, so she's getting evicted. Yeah. He's still got a couple more months left. He's probably getting evicted because of yuppies. Fucking yuppies.

I know. Driving their convertible BMWs. Sure. Oh, Michael J. Fox. Opening up their sushi restaurants. They love sushi. This is an 80s yuppie, by the way, right? Could specifically be Doc Hollywood?

Yeah, Doc Hollywood's coming in here with his white blazer. Oh, jeez. Okay, so they go back to his place. He's got a couple more months left on his lease. They go into his room. They start to undress. She's like, eh, can we turn the lights off? I'm feeling a little bit fat lately.

And he's like, no, I don't think you're fat. She's like, I know. Thank you for saying that, but it's just kind of how I'm feeling. And he's like, yeah, sure, absolutely. You know, however we're going to make you the most comfortable. Nice bed from Ikea. Creaks a little bit. He just needs to tighten the bolts.

People's bed. People's bed. He's got to find that fucking hex wrench. Mm-hmm. He knows that he's got the thing, the key, the hex key. Yeah. He knows he's got that somewhere. He's got to tighten these fucking bolts.

Yeah, it's in the junk drawer somewhere. Yeah. Some nice mish-bazish. Right. Turn on Fallon. Right. I sleep by 1145. Oh, God, that's so fucking hot.

Right? Oh, my God. Tell me you're not going to crank it to this. I'm already cranking it to it right now. I hate to tell you, Jordan. Oh, boy. Pumping these thighs. Well, if I didn't notice before. Yeah.

I'm okay if you want to finish up. God, the people's pornography is going to be our ticket to, I mean. This is all in real time, too. So this pornography takes two and a half hours to watch, and you cannot fast forward. Yeah. It's like watching something on demand with your cable package. Fast forward is not enabled.

It's not available to you. Yeah, not available. Are there any decorations in the house? They're watching... Is the TV on while they're boning? No, only after. Okay. Yeah.

They wanted to see because Channing Tatum's on tonight. Are they listening to music? Yeah, they just have Coast 103.5 on. Got it. Just jamming on the coast. Yeah. So it's sort of like Michael McDonald. And yeah, they have art on.

They have a black and white picture of Paris. Right. Because she loves Paris. God, she loves Paris. Yeah. And he's obsessed with pizza. Yeah. So they have a black and, she loves Paris. Yeah. And he's obsessed with pizza. Yeah. So they have pizza.

Yes. Is the pizza in Paris sort of like holding hands? Yeah. It's two portraits, but there's a black and white hand going from the pizza to the Eiffel Tower, which also has a hand. And they meet in the middle of the wall. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Dessy. Go. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we're the hosts of Rose Buddies. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show's on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it.

No viewing required. But it's a good TV show. What are you doing? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Just marking time until we die over here, guys. la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Just marking time until we die over here, guys. Oh, yeah, any day now.

When something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. That's 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm assuming Chris Fairbanks is also there. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. My name is Corey from Chino. I was driving up this hill to work, and it's a long, sloping hill with a curve on it. And this guy who was driving ahead of me opens the door, keeps moving, never stops driving,

opens the door, and vomits out the door of the car. Never stops driving, stays perfectly within the lines, meaning to me, he clearly has done this many times before. It was pretty great. Yes. Thanks for listening. That'd be great to be that elegant. Our buddy and Chino, pretty close on the guess, just one week off.

Yeah. Impressive. Very nearly nailed it. I'm impressed. Yeah, no, that sounds really beautiful, like a ballet. Yeah. I bet Shia LaBeouf can throw up out of his own car without missing a beat. Yeah.

Oh, God. Just whoop, whop, whoop. I bet some people just, like, puke beat. Yeah. Oh, God. Just whoop, whop, whoop. I bet some people just like puke often. Yeah. I bet some people just have a lifestyle where they puke a lot. How often do you puke? How often do I puke? I bet.

And we apologize for all the emetophobes out there. Sure. I will say that I probably puke once a year from sickness. I'll get a stomach bug. And let's say twice a year from drinking. Really? Yeah. What are the circumstances?

I think that's a little bit on the high end, I bet. Yeah, I think that probably is. For a man in his mid-30s. I think I probably throw up from sickness once every other year. And since I don't drink, well, there you go. Yeah, zero. Yeah, I think that probably is. For a man in his mid-30s. I think I probably throw up from sickness once every other year. And since I don't drink, well, there you go. Yeah, zero. Yeah. Although when I get a really bad migraine, I do sometimes throw up.

So maybe once a year is not unreasonable. Yeah. Like when the migraine medication doesn't work, then that's when I get to the point of- Puke City. Yeah, when I get to- Yeah. Puke City population me. Mm- Puke City. Yeah, when I get to- Yeah. Puke City population me. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I think that's probably my- Probably three pukes a year. Yeah. Which is, I'm trying to get it down to two. Hey- I haven't puked this year.

I've not puked in 2017. Do you think you can make it through the end of the year? I hope so. Check back with me. I got 20 bucks on it. Okay. I'll give you 20 bucks if you can make it through the end of the year. Oh, so. Check back with me. I got 20 bucks on it. Okay. I'll give you 20 bucks if you can make it through the end of the year. Oh, a challenge.

Yeah. Okay, I'll be a gentleman about this, too. I will tell you if I puke. Okay. Mm-hmm. I mean, watch yourself. I will. I got drones.

No, I know. Not to mention hoes in different area codes. Oh, boy. I got a whole set of stuff. Drones, hoes. Yeah. Okay, let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse,

and guests. I had a momentous occasion today to share with you guys. I'm a middle school teacher, and today one of my real squirrely little guys, this kid's always getting into trouble, raised his hand and asked if he could have a healthy snack during a lesson. I said, sure, and he reached into his lunchbox, and I kind of walked away to go help another kid, when suddenly I hear this almighty crunch come from his direction. And I look over, and the kid has pulled a full-sized bell pepper out of his lunchbox, and is eating it like an apple. And one by one, all the kids in my room notice that he's eating a bell pepper like an apple, and they just stare at him as he consumes this thing over the course of two minutes.

And he finishes his bell pepper snack, which has the core. He tosses it out an open window that's right next to him, and nobody says a stinking word about it. I'm still kind of having shakes about this moment. Thank you. That's why you become a teacher. Yeah. I was talking to our buddy Mike Mitchell the other day about health and eating.

And we were agreeing that it is very frustrating when you are trying to eat healthy. You find something that you like. Yeah. And then someone tells you why that's bad. Oh, yeah. Basically, I mean, it feels like it's like, oh, I'll just, when I need to snack, I'll get a piece of fruit. And then somebody will tell you about all the fruit sugar. Yeah.

And, you know, I think that, you know, like, oh, I'll have a salad for lunch. Oh, that if you put dressing on a salad, it's got more calories than a Big Mac. Right. They'll say to you. Right. And I don't know how much of this is true. Right. And I don't know how much of this is true. Right. But I feel like it is a frustration when you're like watching what you eat.

It's like somebody always likes to tell you why your thing is killing you and you should just eat a Big Mac. The only thing I eat is bell peppers. Sure. I feel like the safe things that everybody wants you to eat, bell peppers, handful of almonds. Yeah. that everybody wants you to eat.

Bell peppers, handful of almonds. Yeah. That if you, that is, that is, those are the two things that have yet to be debunked is actually bad for you. Yeah, I'll crunch it in one of those whole bell peppers. Wash it down with a handful of almonds. I like the yellow ones. I like those green ones.

Yum, yum. Do you, will you eat a raw bell pepper? I'll eat bell pepper raw, but I won't eat it like an apple. No, that's strange. You slice it up like you were making fajitas. And then you crunch them. Then you crunch them. Yeah.

And I don't eat a dip. I mean, the bell pepper is quite sweet. Sure. A lot of flavor in there. Bell pepper is very tasty. Very, very tasty pepper. Did you know that the different colors of bell pepper are different maturities of the same type of bell pepper? No, I didn't.

There you go. Hey, what a fun fact. Might not be true, but I think it is. What's the first phase? Blue? Yeah. You'd never see those. Yeah, I'd see those.

Too young. They don't come to market. They're too young. Too young to eat. Too young. In France, they have different cruelty-like regulations. Right. So you can get a blue pepper over there.

Oh, yeah. Really crunch into that young- Chain smoke. That young mewling pepper. Straight out of its mama. Eat those little blueies. Yeah. Nom.

Blue pepper. Drag off a cigarette. Nom. Blue pepper. Drag off a cigarette. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Oh, that was a whole bottle of wine. Nom, nom, nom.

That's me going down on my mistress because I'm a French baby. And I eat immature peppers. I smoke. And I perform cunnilingus on my mistress. Hello, baby. I'm a French guy. How would you like me to perform cunnilingus on you? Oh, man, I love it here in France.

It's me, how to work Elvis. Oh, my goodness, Elvis, you are a great hero in our country. My fishing boat crashed and I washed up ashore here in France. Which I don't know if it's near an ocean or not. You are quite a bad navigator. That's right, baby. You have made it into the streets outside of France! I'll tell you one

thing, all these bell peppers, they're giving me the scoots. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, another great one is in the books, Jordan. It sure is.

Hey, get at Papa John on Twitter and see if you can, and I'm sure he wants to hear your guesses as to who canceled on us. I think it's at I am Papa John. Right. And let him know who you think canceled on us. Yeah. I am so grateful to Papa John. He's been really ably fielding all of the questions and corrections at I Am Papa John. They come up on every Jordan Jesse Go podcast. And said, do you know about the, what's it called, the Sega Intimidator?

The Sega Menacer. Mm-hmm. Which is a bazooka that attached to the Sega Genesis. Yes. And I said, you know, I don't remember that. Well, first of all, he said, what do you think about the Sega Menacer? Mm-hmm. I don't know what that is, sir.

Were you doing some general tweeting about the Genesis? No. Or did this question just come out of nowhere? No. Okay. Nothing about the Genesis. I mean, I've been playing that Genesis you got me for Christmas. Sure.

Bulls versus Blazers. Yeah. Madden 95. Been totally destroying Daniel at Madden 95. Yeah. I've got to find a more worthy Madden 95 opponent in my office. I'm not that good at Madden 95, let's be clear. But, yeah, you said, you know,

have you checked out this Menacer? I didn't know what that was. He said, I don't know what that is. He said, oh, it's the big bazooka gun that came with the Sega Genesis. Probably the reaction to the Super Nintendo Super Scope 6. You got it. Yeah.

And I said, no, I've never played that. I never really played a lot of shooting games. And I thought, but, you know, maybe this guy's going to tell me he's got a bazooka in his house he's going to send me to play on my Genesis. I'll play that. I don't give a shit. And he says, yeah, I really enjoy it. I should play that more with my kids. All right.

Fair enough, sir. So you thought you were about to get a free menacer. I didn't think that. And you ended up getting nothing. I didn't think that I was going to. And to be fair, I didn't want it. Mm-hmm. But it seemed like I was, the odds seemed good.

That it was coming. So, okay, so here's your ideal situation. Uh-huh. This guy says to you, have you ever played the Menacer? And I say, no, I haven't. He says, good news, it's in the mail. Right. Or just like, I got one.

Because usually when people offer me something that they've got one of that they don't need, it's something that I don't want. Sure. You know, they say, oh, I got these baseball cards, these worthless baseball cards that I could send you. Well, that's great. But they're also worthless to me. Mm-hmm. I mean, we both like baseball.

That's great. Sure. I like baseball. But you know what I mean? You could have some fond memories flipping through them once, but then you got them in the house. Yeah, the same problem that that person had. But I figure, look, if I don't like the Sega Menacer, at least, you know, Christian Duenas is going to like the Sega Menacer. Yeah, he's got a pretty impressive pile of retro video games here at the office.

It is a very impressive rig. I enjoy looking at it every time I come in. Christian, I don't think, was even born when I was playing Sega Genesis. Yeah. So we'll get him a Menacer. Yeah. Maybe I should just go on and get him a Menacer. He knows about Sega Genesis stuff like we know about disco.

I know. Like we were like, ah, isn't it funny? Our parents put on these clothes and, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That's a disco song. All those jokes about disco are now about gene code genes. Sure, yeah. People wore gene code genes. They was a real thing.

They sure did. Have you looked up how much a menacer costs on eBay yet, Daniel? $30 for a menacer. That's a pretty good investment. You getting games with that? Does that come with Terminator 2? I think the menacer came with. I could be misremembering this.

And Daniel, if you could help me out, that'd be great. I think the Menacer came with a ToeJam & Earl themed shooting game. There you go. A ToeJam & Earl spin-off. That's what he said. I said Ratchet & Clank, but I was thinking of ToeJam & Earl. Oh, were you? Okay, cool. Yeah. There you go. That's what you get with a ToeJam & Earl spin-off. That's what he said. I said Ratchet & Clank, but I was thinking of ToeJam & Earl. Oh, were you? Okay, cool.

There you go. That's what you get with this. The next most famous video game duo. You got it. Oh, 25 with the game. That seems like the bargain. Let's make this happen. Do not send me these. Are you saying do or don't? Do not because I like the idea

of... Okay. I like the idea of getting one. I don't want anyone to put themselves out. Sure. I don't want to get a bunch of them. I don't want this guy to. He actually enjoys using it with his children. That's his prerogative.

Sure. Sounds like a fun activity for them as a family. The story is about me and my weird idea I was going to get a free thing that I didn't want but did want. Yeah. But I could just buy it for $25. What if someone is feeling compelled right now to send a menacer? Right. They've heard this talk, the ideas in their head. I've got this menacer.

I've got these stamps. Right. Is there a way I can get rid of both at once? Yes. Send them to Papa John. I was going to say, should you send it to Christian Juenas? Oh, Christian would love that. Maybe address it to him, care of Max

Fun, and then he can enjoy it, you can enjoy it, but then he'll keep it in his little treasure trove, which I assume he sleeps on, like smog. Yeah. He definitely does. He's sleeping over in there right now in the little desk drawer. Like a

baby cradle. Just pull the drawer out and... Yeah, just a bunch of Sega Master System games. Yeah, and he sleeps in there on his little blankie. That's fun. It is. It's nice. Well, Daniel Baruella has been on the boards for this week's program. Our producer, Sonny D.

Brian Fernandez. We're online, maximumfun.reddit.com. You can chat with us and chat with other folks in the Jordan Jesse Go community. You can also like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook and join the Maximum Fun Facebook group where there's often a lot of fun chat. You can follow us on Twitter, at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne. Been periscoping a little bit lately. Doing some periscopes. Somebody's hanging around the office, I'll periscope them.

Hey, that sounds like a fun social media activity. Yeah, follow me on Twitter. You might catch it. Follow me on the scope. Scope it out. Scope it out. Scope it out. Sega Menacer.

If you have corrections for the program, make sure to send them to our good friend Papa John's. Papa John's Pizzeria. You can also send them to Peyton Manning, but make sure they're marked Papa John care of Peyton Manning. Yeah.

And that's about it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Bye. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.