Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 477: Prepper's Gumbo with Doree Shafrir

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

Writer Doree Shafrir joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse’s interview with Terry Gross, Doree’s recent trauma getting bit by a dog, and Jordan’s trip to New Orleans.  Plus, the guys finally call it quits for a very important reason. Action Item: Should Jordan take shrooms and go to the Main Street Electrical Parade at Disneyland?  

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I feel like I'm peppier than you today. You're very peppy today. I'm sick. I'm tired. And I expended all my emotional energy doing a not that great job interviewing Terry Gross earlier today. Oh boy.

I didn't do a bad job. Right. Just not the job I could or wished I could have. It didn't end with a tender kiss is what you're saying. Oh god. You both weren't so swept up in the moment. Oh that it would. Oh that it could have. I mean,. Oh, God. You both weren't so swept up in the moment. Oh, that it would. Oh, that it could have.

I mean, you know, listen, I know you're a happily married guy. And so is Terry Gross, a happily married woman. Absolutely. But I'm sure that, you know, you've had that talk with your wife of like, all right, if we each get one.

Right. We each get one. Right. She's probably like, all right, it's Michael B. Jordan. And you're like, got to be gross. So I'm sure she would understand if your interview went so well. My first pick was Lynn Rosetto Casper, host of The Splendid Table. Yeah.

My wife vetoed that. Oh, no. She's threatened by Lynn Rosetto Casper because Lynn Rosetto Casper can make a meal out of whatever's in the refrigerator. Yeah, she's good with pies. Yeah, she's amazing with pies. So that was off the list. I said, well, how about the honey-voiced, infinitely patient Miss Terry Gross? But, I mean, it sounds like this is a non-issue now because you had your chance and you fucking blew it.

Yeah, I blew it big time, You weren't able to seduce Gross. I failed to seduce Gross romantically or intellectually. And now I stand before you or sit before you in this microphone chair,

a chastened man. I'm sorry to hear that. And I will forever be chaste. For if I cannot love gross, I shall love no woman. Wow. I have literally been chastened. Do you think there's a nice

NPR branded chastity belt you could wear for the rest of your life? I'll check in the NPR shop. I get a discount. I'm not here to brag, Jordan. Yeah. Jordan, if I were here to brag, Jordan. Yeah. Jordan, if I were here to brag, the first thing I would have said is, between now and the last time we recorded Jordan, Jesse, go, I've eaten two cherimoyas.

Oh, boy. That's what I would have said if I were here to brag. Yeah. Okay? You know what I love in the NPR? They were perfectly ripe, almost custard-like in consistency. You know what I like in the NPR? They were perfectly ripe, almost custard-like in consistency. You know what I like in the NPR shop? What's that? It's the Michael Silverblatt's bookworm butt plug.

It's a local item. Yeah, it's a KCRW only. Yeah. Love that bookworm butt plug. Well, should we- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your failure. Yeah. Well, you know. Again'm sorry about your failure. Yeah.

Well, you know. Again, not a full failure. Sure. I just didn't do a great job. I feel bad about it. She was so lovely. She could not have been more lovely than Terry Gross. I've never met her before.

It was the first time I'd ever talked to her. No, we need to introduce our guest. But I feel like I want to help you out. Okay. I feel a psychological blockage. Yeah. This is clearly a big moment for you. Yeah.

And I know that, yeah, when you get done with a big project or a big event, on the way home or in bed, you're always replaying it in your mind. Right. What could I have done? Or, oh, I should have done this. Or, ah, if I was only thinking, I could have done. Do you want a little mulligan do you want me to play gross and then you can ask what you feel like you should have asked yeah can we try it one time just before we introduce our guest yeah here i'll get in the character okay i'm terry gross now, I'm from W-H-Y-Y.

I'm Terry Gross. That's right. It's me. She says her own name, too. It's me. Hi. Hi. From W-H-Y-Y.

It's me, Terry Gross. Hi, Terry. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Terry. Hi. Hi, Terry. I like you. Do you like me back?

I'm fond of you, but basically the only two things I like are Six Feet Under and True Blood for some reason. What about the Great American Songbook? The Great American Songbook, too. Stephen Sondheim. She likes Stephen Sondheim. I bet. Okay. Does that feel good?

Yeah. It's obvious why she likes Six Feet Under. It was a very good show until it kind of went off the rails. Well, don't tell Gross that. I know. That was probably my mistake. I brought up how- Yeah, you did 20 minutes about when and where Six Feet Under fell off for you.

When Dwight from The Office came in, you're kind of like, this seems off tone. Is this a new, different show? If I'm Gross, I'm walking now. Yeah. So it was actually kind of her not to walk yeah when i brought up when dwight from the office came on six feet under or one of the lead characters was brutally assaulted by a meth head for no reason see i'm walking if i'm gross i'm walking i'm not about to hear that yeah she probably liked it the whole way through yeah gross actually thought suicide squad was a lot of fun, too.

I don't see what the big deal was. Why did I bring that up? I don't see what the big deal was. Why did I bring that up? Yeah. Why would I bring that up? Well, you were just excited. The trailers were good.

Our guest on this week's program, a writer, podcaster, now acclaimed novelist, Dori Shafrir. Hello. How are you? I am great. Sorry for that longer than usual dick around at the beginning. Oh, no. As someone who has listened to Fresh Air,

I thought you did an excellent job, Jordan. Oh, thank you. You liked my gross impression? I did. It's very well done. Thank you. I have a very good Dave Davies. I. I have a very good Dave Davies. I don't have a very good Dave Davies.

More and more useful these days. He's on it more and more. The problem is halfway in between Dave Davies and David Bianculli, and I kind of like slip back and forth. You know how that is. Boy, do I. Oh, God. Boy, do I.

Anyway, long story short, I did not do that great with Terry, but I did get Rock Historian Ed Ward's phone number in Berlin. Hey! So I gave him a call. Okay. Talk about some Neil Young B-sides. Exactly. So that's nice.

How are you, Dory? I am fine. You sound as pepless as I. Well, it's not that I'm pepless. It's that I got bit by a dog last weekend. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh that I got bit by a dog last weekend. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. You got bit by a dog for real?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not messing around, okay? When I say I got bit by a dog, I got bit by a motherfucking dog. Right. Wow. Because normally, Dory, I'm a news hound. And I would say this. This does not sound like news to me.

Sure, if you bit a dog, now that's news. Woman bites dog, that's news. Stop the presses. Stop the presses. Print it. Write it up. Let's go. Dory, so your dog wound on your hand is so purple.

I would have mistaken it for a tattoo. It's really intensely purple. Or that you've just been cutting beads. I think that might be the lighting. The stitches themselves are blue. There's five of them. They're sort of in that crook between my index finger and my thumb. On my left hand, I'm a lefty.

But the skin around the wound has turned a kind of shade of yellowish, brownish green. Dory, I've got a couple follow-up questions for you here. Hit me. Number one. First and foremost, and this is the question that's on everyone's mind, will you ever play piano again? Maybe chopsticks. Oh, wow. Not even heart and soul.

Yeah. I'd have to work back up to Heart and Soul. If you're going to play one beginning piano song, I think we can all agree that Chopsticks is the superior choice. It's a classic. It's totally a classic. Although I would love to see... Is it problematic these days? Hard to say.

Chopsticks. Oh, interesting. Maybe so. I would like to see Dory... Please write that think piece, someone. I would like to see Dory... Dory, you work for BuzzFeed. Let somebody know.

I definitely will. Okay. I would like to see you in a frustrated film montage trying to build back up the strength to play Heart and Soul. Sure. You go, blah, blah, blah. God damn it! And you use your hand and you throw the papers. What music would you have playing in the background as I tried to do this, though?

That would be confusing if you're trying to learn chopsticks, but the montage song is heart and soul. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that was question number one. Question number two, what were the circumstances of this bitter attack? I hate to ask you to relive this trauma, but.

Do you really hate to ask me, Jesse? No, I love it. I love it. It's going to be juicy. It's going to be juicy. This is what we're after. All right, guys, picture it. Sunday morning, 830 in the morning.

My dear husband is sound asleep because he'd been up till 430 playing video games. So he was all tuckered out. He was all tuckered out. The poor baby. Do you remember what video game he was playing until 4 a.m.? You know, they all sound the same to me. Something with war. No, that's a problematic comment.

Brutal warrior. Yeah, sure. Sure, whatever. Sure. Anyway. Foreigner killer, I think, is the latest. So I took our dog to Silver Lake Dog Park. It's a great dog park.

I disagree. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Oh, wow. I now disagree. Before you were pro. Before I was sick, I felt fine about it. Okay.

I felt fine about it. So my dog, Bo, is 70, 75 pounds. He's a big boy. He's 70, 75 pounds. He's a big boy. And he is neutered, as most dogs in Los Angeles are, since it's the law. And, you know, when he sees a dog that has its balls, sometimes doesn't love that dog. Sure.

As I'm sure you can understand. I mean, imagine if you... I hate seeing men with balls. Sure. Yeah. Hate it every time. It enrages me. So you get it. I don't...

I mean, I hate seeing a man with a thin penis. A man with a wide penis. Yeah. I'm just so jealous of that thin penis. Ooh, it slides right in. Duh. Anyway. Yeah. So I... So Bo... I'm just so jealous of that thin penis ooh it slides right in anyway so I so Bo

so Bo's he's hanging out he's hanging out he's just hanging out and he sees these balls on this Doberman and he's like I'm gonna start some shit so he runs over to the Doberman and kind of starts some shit and the Doberman's back of starts some shit and the doberman

doberman's back right and i run over and i'm trying to separate them and the doberman just goes on my hand takes a chomp takes a chomp and i was like the dog bit me and there's like blood starts running down my hand oh my it was a whole thing the guy was like your dog started it my dog's nice and i was like listen mister your dog's not even supposed to be in the goddamn park it's a rule sure he has balls he has balls get those balls out of my face oh my gosh literally um but you're okay you're recovering i'm recovering So then a very nice lady let me come to her apartment across from the dog park and wash up. And I called my husband who had been like, you know, he was like, I'm going to sleep in. He was meeting a friend who's meeting Vanessa for breakfast.

Sure. And he was like, you know, I think I'm going to tell her to meet later because I just want to sleep a little bit. And I was like, honey, I got bit by a dog. And so he had to come pick me up. We went to urgent care. They stitched me right up. But here I am with five stitches in my hand. More importantly,

where did he and Vanessa go for brunch? I think that's what everybody wants to know. Square one dining. No, in fact, I was a little jealous. They didn't invite me. And they went to Smorgasburg. What's Smorgasburg? Wait, Jordan, you don't know what Smorgasburg is?

It's a local restaurant, Jordan. No. It's like a food market fair every Sunday in downtown L.A. Where is it relative to the Grove? Just for the benefit of our listeners outside of Los Angeles. Yeah, I think we like to describe everything for the non-LA listener in terms of how close or how similar or dissimilar it is from the Grove. No, I get that. It's probably about 10 miles from the Grove. It's in downtown Los Angeles. Nice. And it's in what is normally the produce market during the week. Okay. But then on Sunday, they clear out and it's all like cute little hipstery like Korean tacos and oysters.

Probably something wrapped in a waffle. Something that's not normally on a waffle is now on a waffle. Exactly. Fuck, I love it when they put something that's not normally on a waffle on a waffle. I know. It's good for the thing and the waffle. Yeah. Yeah.

Helps out the thing, helps out the waffle. Yeah. Everybody wins. It's like putting The Rock in a movie. Yeah. Oh. The Rock looks good. Everybody else looks good.

Yeah. The Rock is a waffle. Do you follow him on Instagram? I don't. You know, I am not on Insta. It's the, like. What? It's the, one of the, like, one of the social networks that I just never caved and got.

And I feel like it is something you need to cave to a little bit. Yeah, it does. I do feel a sense of failure when I join a new social network. It's like, OK, I guess I love Instagram. And I particularly love The Rock's Instagram. What am I missing by not following The Rock on Insta? He is like very tender with his daughter. Okay. It's very sweet. Okay. And on Easter he dressed up as Pikachu and like chased her around the house. Well, that's traditional.

Sure, yeah. Good Friday. Yeah. You put the ashes on your forehead. Right. Because that's Pikachu's trainer is Ash Wednesday. Yeah. Good Friday, you put the ashes on your forehead. Right. Because that's Pikachu's trainer is Ash Wednesday. That's a Pokemon joke that I think made sense.

On Easter, you dress up as Pikachu and chase your daughter. Yeah. It symbolizes Christ's return to life. Or Christ's evolution into a Raichu. On the third day, Christ evolved into Raichu and gained tackle attack. Yeah, well, and also the ability to roll that rock away from the cave entrance. Right. Previously, the unevolved Christ was unable to.

Right, roll the rock away. And now I have officially said everything I know about Pokemon. I am done and also don't correct me online. Well, I've said everything I know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. For knowing so little, you should pray to him often. Did you hear? Okay, I'm not going to get into politics at all, but there was an amazing fresh air interview with a New York Times White House reporter. And one of the things she said, as though it was perfectly normal, but she said everything like in a normal way. One of the things she just tossed off was she just mentioned, well, at first Donald

Trump was uncomfortable with Mike Pence because he prayed so much. Wow. Okay. I don't know how to parse that. All right. Okay. I don't know how to parse that. All right. Okay. I guess if someone is praying a lot, it's cause for concern. Well, like if you're-

So like not at a meal or- Yeah. Like if you're in the middle of a- Like you're talking to somebody in the middle of a- You're talking about- You're at the ball game. Yeah. And you're talking about what a great curveball Rich Hill has.

You say, what's amazing is the way he snaps those things off. That's why he's been so successful late in his life is he really learned to snap off. Of course, he has those blister problems and you look, there's fucking Pence. He's praying. He's not even listening. He's just sitting there praying, oh, dear God, help his blisters, whatever. What a schmuck. That's Mike Pence.

I don't know. Can I tell you something about my dog? Yeah, sure. While we're talking about dogs? Yeah, we had an upsetting dog story. Yeah. Well, this one is similarly upsetting. Oh, okay.

I sense a theme. I also... Because the dog's balls that are into it. No, there's no ball. There's no ball. Sorry, Jordan. That's okay. You can go ahead and pray if you want to.

Maybe I will. You know what they say, pray the time away. Dory, for your benefit, I have two dogs. Oh, okay. And they're both smaller dogs, Chihuahua-Terrier mixes. Okay. And I went up to my cabin this past week in the forest, deep in the forest. And where my cabin is, it's 7,500 feet altitude.

So it's still – it was snowing up there. As we record this, we're in Los Angeles. It's literally 90 degrees today. But it was snowing up at the cabin. And I was up there with my dog. And, like, I have a 5-year-old, a three-year-old and a baby. Oh, wow. Okay.

And so I don't get to go on that many out-of-the-house adventures. Sure. But I had talked my daughter into hiking from our house to this place near our cabin called Poppy Lake. And this is like the one place. You're talking about the baby, right? Yeah, I'm talking about the baby. The oldest one and I went for a hike with our dog Coco. And it was too much hiking for a five-year-old.

But she was being awesome about it. Great. Like we got to a certain point where the roads of the little place where the cabin is run out and you're walking on trails, but the trails are all covered in snow. So we're hiking through the snow. My dog Coco ambivalent about it sometimes seems excited. But then I wonder if that's just her trying not to die of hypothermia or whatever by jumping and bounding. Increasing her internal warmth through jumping and bounding. by jumping and bounding,

increasing your internal warmth through jumping and bounding. And maybe it's like a 45-minute hike to get to the lake. Okay. But a significant half of that is in snow. We finally get up to the lake and it's spectacular. I mean, it's the most beautiful thing in the world

because everything is covered in snow. There's this haze, this sort of mist surrounding everything. The rock is dressed as Pikachu. It's just gorgeous. Yeah. And I'm just kind of standing there in awe with my daughter, my five-year-old. Even it's like awe-inspiring even to a five-year-old.

Yeah. This kind of majestic majesty. The lake is about two-thirds of the lake is frozen over and the snow blends into the lake and it's a beautiful thing. Anyway, my dog gets up there and she looks around. She walks down to the edge of the water and falls in. Just immediately. Did you think it was solid, do you think? Oh, my God.

I have no fucking clue what my dumb fucking dog thought oh no context for you dory i forgot to mention my dog also once jumped off a roof for no reason oh dear my dog may have a death wish yeah but i mean i mean isn't it her right i mean god i mean maybe we're getting a little too political here but if the dog wants to end it, who are we? End of life right issues. Yeah. No, that's true. It's very presumptuous of me to presume.

How old is your dog? She's in hospice. She's 24 years old. Okay. She has a very painful. No, she's 10 years old maybe. All right. So she's like, she's getting older, but she's not old.

But straight into this fucking lake. And i want to be clear my dog is a chihuahua terrier my dog is not a my dog is not a portuguese water dog my dog's not a golden retriever nor is she a seal it's true that water must have been fucking freezing yeah so i mean jordan we can get into a whole list of animals that she's not. I think that'd be a great way to waste the time in the podcast. Let's list animals that aren't dogs. I mean, she certainly isn't a peregrine falcon. I'll start.

Dog. Fuck. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Fucked it up, Jordan. Sorry.

So she does not really swim, to be clear. I've never seen her swim in my entire life. So I don't know, did she think it was just more land? Yeah. But I'm probably 12 feet away from her. And the dog just sort of plops into the water. And just her body just goes, oh, no no no no no and she kind of starts rotating in the like she's dog paddling but not going anywhere and just sort of rotating

like sort of like if you dropped a pool noodle in the water and let it spin gently. What I'm envisioning is those battery-powered scuba men that they sell at only Radio Shack. That's exactly what it was. Imagine that. RIP Radio Shack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But scruffier. Yeah. Realistic brand dog.

Did you guys see that Radio Shack? Yeah, the Radio Shack. There's like a Radio Shack in Dayton, Ohio that has its own Facebook page. And they just wrote on it one day, fuck you, we closed. Fuck all of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, we closed. Fuck all of you.

And when I saw that, I'm like, where will I get a scuba man that is, I guess, supposed to swim but doesn't really? I know. Not to mention, where are you going to get a generic AC adapter? Yeah. That costs more than a brand-name AC adapter. Yeah. So I'm looking at my dog, and I'm just realizing as I look at my dog, I have to go into this frozen lake or my dog will die. But you're wearing a wetsuit, right?

Yeah. I was wearing a scuba. You're wearing your vacation wetsuit. Yeah. I mean, you know, me on vacation, I like to sit back in the cabana. What is your daughter doing at this moment? In a Corona. A wet suit and a corona.

My daughter is confused. Right. She's like, this is not right. Bafflement is the quality that I would describe to her at this point. And so I jump in the water. Oh, my God. Like I don't dive into the water. I jump into the water. Okay. Because I can't – if I had dived in, I don't dive into the water. I jump into the water. Okay.

Because I can't. If I had dived in, I would have died. Because, as I said, we're 20 minutes from anything. Oh, my God. Like, to be abundantly clear, we're not. There's no road. There's no houses. There's no cell phone.

Is the dog yelping? Is she making noise? No, she's frantically. Sure. But not achieving anything. Okay. Except for the same slow rotation. It's like if that man, if that scuba diver, if one of his fins was slightly broken.

And so he was just spinning in a circle slowly. So I jumped in the fucking water. I'm wearing blue jeans. Oh, my God. I just jumped in the water up to my thighs and pulled my dog out. And I'm like, okay, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I'm no frontier doctor. Sure.

The last thing I am is a cast member of All Creatures no frontier doctor. Sure. The last thing I am is a cast member of All Creatures Great and Small. My first thought? I mean, maybe... I guess I did a little bit of Boy Scouts as a kid. I did, you know,

one level of Boy Scouts. A little Boy Scouts, a little Campfire, a little Girl Scouts. Spread it around. Gotta spread it around campfire, a little Girl Scouts. Sure, yeah. Spread it around. Got to spread it around. Everybody needs a little Giorno. Some cookies. And then, you know, I remember watching like Voyage of the Mimi in school.

Oh, God, yes. With Ben Affleck. With Ben Affleck. So what I did, it's funny that you mentioned Voyage of the Mimi. So what I did was I got a deaf woman to erect a tarp and then the condensation went down off the tarp, and I drank that. My first thought, given that those are my two prongs of wilderness training, Voyage of the Mimi in grade school and a little bit of Boy Scouting, well, maybe just pee on the dog. Yeah. Maybe just...

That fixes some things, right? Some things are fixed. Some things are fixed. You pee on it for something. Yeah. It sterilizes. Right. Yeah.

Right. Warm it up a little. Your urine is sterile and warm. Warm it up a little? Yeah. Maybe the dog got stung by many jellyfish while she was in there. I don't know. So I'm holding my dog.

My dog is shaking uncontrollably. You'll be shocked to learn. The good news is it was not super, super cold outside. I mean it was very cold outside, but it was not zero degrees outside. It was 40 degrees outside or 35 degrees outside. But luckily I was wearing a chamois shirt. And this is why I say do not leave the house unless you are wearing a chamois shirt. You never know when you're going to need to chamois something, whether it's a vintage

sports car or a small dog. So I took off – That's a really good life tip. Thank you. I took off my jacket and the whole time my five-year-old daughter is so confused as to what's going on. Terrified, but not terrified at all. Like a crazy combination of those two things. And so I took my coat off, threw it on the ground, took my shirt off, wrapped it around my dog, tried to like dry off my dog.

Then I put my dog down, but then my dog was still shaking. So I'm like, I can't put my dog down. So I picked my dog back up and wrapped it up like a little papoose in my shirt. My poor, poor, poor Coco. But it's her fault. I wrapped her up. The simplest thing, just don't go in the frozen lake. Yeah. That's the lesson here. Stay on land, dog. Okay. So I wrapped it up like a papoose. Not the wrapper.

I know what you're thinking. The wrapper papoose? I was confused. Mixtape wrapper papoose? Yes. No. I wrapped it up like a baby, like a Native American baby of yore. Wrapped it up, put my coat back on, and held it inside my coat.

And I'm like, Grace, that's my daughter's name, I said, Grace, we have to go back now. And she said, Dad, why would we go back when we just got here? Wow. And I literally said, we're going back because coco might die oh boy i guess you could have said the dog is cold i know i don't want to sorry i don't need to backseat parent you i said we're going back because the dog might die. Yeah. And she went, like, again, like this, like, what? What?

And I just said, we're going back now because Coco might die. And we went back. I carried the dog. I carried the dog and pulled my poor daughter, who was like she needed a break from the hiking. Sure. This happened right away when we got there. And as I said, I was already pushing my luck getting her to hike that far. But, yeah, I wrapped the dog up in a shirt,

wrapped the shirt up in my coat, closed my coat and carried my dog with one arm while I held my daughter's hand and hiked 20 minutes back through the snow thinking like – for the first 15 minutes, my dog shook uncontrollably. Oh, Coco. And then by the time we finally got back to the road, she had stopped shaking. I just put her down. She just ran back to the house. Nothing happened. I'm wondering.

That was good. I liked hearing about it. Yeah. Is there any way like in post or something like that we can just get Werner Herzog to narrate that? Yeah, of course. Because I think it would bring the gravitas necessary. And I think, you know, that is, I think it's close as you will come to living a Herzogian situation in your life.

Absolutely. I mean, unless I go to the Taiga. Sure. Spend some time out on the Taiga. Or to the Port of Call, New Orleans. Yeah. Well, you know, Werner Herzog is on this week's Bullseye, so we don't even need to bring him in. We can just do that thing like they did with Roger Ebert's voice when he lost his voice.

Oh, yeah, just cobble it together. Just go ahead and cobble something together into a sort of robo-Herzog. So Herzog said Coco a lot when you were interviewing him? Yeah, and you know what else I think? I mean, as long as we're doing like a machine learning situation, why bother writing a script when we could just have a robot do it? That seems like a good idea.

I like it. On the frozen lake. Yeah. I pulled my daughter by the hand and told her that the dog would soon perish. While we are on the topic of travel adventures. Yeah. I've got one.

Well, you traveled. I saw a funny apron. But. Yes. You traveled to the most famous port of call of them all. Yeah. New Orleans. That's right.

What? But before I talk about that, I want to ask Dory about going to European Disneyland. Oh, yes. Which is something you did recently. Can we take a break and talk to Dory about Euro Disney in a second? Yes. Because I'm very interested in this. Yes.

I want to know. Let's have a break. I want to know everything about it. Yeah. What's different? Do they have a Song of the South ride? Sure. Do the churros have a shrimp dust on them?

They probably do. There's more shrimp overseas. Okay. We'll find out in just a second when we come back on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Are you easily confused by terms like cultural appropriation, cisgender, and woke? Or maybe you find yourself constantly explaining terms like these and you need a place to vent. Do you have a love for all things pop culture, social commentary, and politics? Sounds like you need Minority Corner. Where you can learn, laugh, and play.

Sounds like Blue's Clues. Only it's more black, gay, and ladylike. James and Anneke will happily administer your weekly dose each and every Friday. You can listen on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Minority Corner. With a K. Because the C was taken. It's Jordan Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, a Cherimoya King. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, I'm Dori Shafrir, author, writer, and guest on this podcast. Yeah, but all of these things are true. All true. Jordan, we have a sponsor on this week's show. I'd love to hear about him. Oh, it's our friends at Mack Weldon.

Ah, Jesse, I'm wearing Weldon's right now. I'm Mackin' too! Oh, you Mackin' buddy? Oh right now. I'm Mackin' too! Oh, you Mackin' buddy? Oh, you know I'm Mackin', baby! Man, if you want to join our club, if you want to Mack with us, you gotta get on your Weldons, go to MackWeldon.com promo code JJGO. What are

you getting for that? Oh, you're getting 20% off, but more important, it's not just... Dory. It's not just about getting 20% off when you're Mackacking. Okay. It's about the quality of underpant that you receive

when you place an order. It's a high quality underpant. These are superb underpants. These are the kind of underpants that immediately become your favorite junk support system. And hey, listen, I like what they do to my junk. Right. But I also I like what they do to my junk. Right. But I also like what their socks do to my feet.

I'm not wearing socks right now, but when I'm wearing socks, I'm wearing Mack Weldon's. I love these socks, baby. A lot of times people think that I'm not wearing socks, but I'm actually wearing Mack Weldon's high-quality no-show socks. Man, so many great options. They're soaking up those juices. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm talking about, Jordan. And hey, they have a line of silver underwear

and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial. Because they're made of solid silver. Is that correct? I did not see that on the copy. But they do naturally eliminate odor, so you don't have to worry about sweats and smells. You can go to macweldon.com and get 20% off with the promo code JJGO.

That's MackWeldon.com. Use the code JJGO. We also have something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. That's right. It's an Indiegogo for a film project called Anywhere Else. Please support a debut director to make something great. Tim is making a conscious director to make something great. Tim is making a conscious effort to create a film

that is as diverse as the crowd who may see it. Go to Indiegogo.com under the project titled Anywhere Else Film. That's Indiegogo.com. There's a link here. It's a little long.

I'll read it now. I-G-G dot M-E slash A-T slash Anywhere Else Film to learn more. I'm read it now. I-G-G dot M-E slash A-T slash anywhere else film to learn more. I'm sure if you go to Indiegogo and search anywhere else film, that'll come up. It's a really fun looking jukebox musical. Oh, that sounds fantastic. Yeah. So go check that out.

Anywhere else on Indiegogo. I like those Jumbotrons. They come straight from our community. If you want to get your message up on the Jumbotron, whether it's a project you're working on, a commercial message, a wish for a friend, or just if you want to brag about how many cherimoyas you've eaten recently. Delicious tropical fruit. Incredible flavor. It's a rich, rich, sweet flavor. You know, Jesse, I've never had one.

I'd love to slice one open for you right now, but I don't have one on hand. Of course, you would notice if I did have one on hand because the sweet fragrance would be filling the room, wafting. Are you getting some sort of kickback from the Cherimoya Council that I'm not in on? Just let me wet my beak, man.

Just want to wet my beak? This seems like something I'm not in. Just cut your old buddy in. I'll to wet my beak. If you're getting, this seems like something I'm not, just cut your old buddy in. I'll talk about this fruit. Ooh, this soft custard-like consistency. And you're really selling it. Yeah, the fat black seeds. Spitting out those fat black seeds.

Is there a cherimoya season? And are we in it? Oh, yeah. We're in the heart of cherimoya season. Okay. Welcome to Southern California, where we're in the heart of cherimoya season. Okay. Welcome to Southern California, where we're in the heart of cherimoya season. Don't try growing cherimoyas in Florida. It won't happen.

The temperatures are too extreme. Yeah. Fuck you, Florida. Grow them in Santa Barbara County, the home of the cherimoya. I really have had two cherimoya. God, fucking cherimoya. They're so good. They're so amazing.

You ever had one, Jordan? I can't picture it. What is it? It looks like a green scaly dragon egg. And then inside, it's sort of white and creamy and has giant black seeds. Oh, yeah. I've had one of these guys. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, these are good. Shit's delicious. It's a nice fruit. Anyway. They sound like distant cousins of the papaya. I bet they are. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say, you know what they call cherimoyas?

What? The Andean papaya. Hmm. Do they? Doesn't sound like they do. I think they probably do. They might. I can't say 100%.

I haven't talked to the folks over at the Cherimoya Council about it. But, you know, they don't run a lot of stuff by me. I just have a quick meeting. I hand them the tape. They hand me the briefcase. That's it. You know, that's the end of that. It has to be a briefcase because the currencies down there

are becoming deeply, profoundly devalued. Sure. So you have to have a lot of physical space to store the bills. The actual payoff in U.S. dollars? Eight or nine bucks. Yeah. I don't... It's not...

Honestly, I take a cab out there to get it. I mean, I park at night. You take a cab out there to get it. It costs me more than I make. Sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I honestly... The only way that I make money in the deal is I sell the briefcase on Etsy. Oh, that's nice.

Sometimes it's a nice vintage case. Yeah. Smart. You can sell those handcuffs on sexual bond to Jetsy. That's something, right? Yeah. Bond to Jetsy? Sure.

It's bridal leather. I'm assuming that the briefcase has handcuffs on the end. Okay. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll make it happen for you. We'll talk to you in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la So the 2017 Max Fund Drive was a huge success. Thank you so much to everyone who joined or upgraded during the drive and to all of our amazing monthly members.

members. To celebrate, we're giving our $10 and higher monthly members the chance to buy additional enamel pins with the profits going to our friends at the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank. What? Yeah. The sale runs April 26th through May 3rd, and it's your last chance to get your hands on these sweet pins. $10 monthly members should receive a link and a code in their email on April 26th, so keep an eye on your inbox and get your denim jacket ready. For more information, visit MaximumFun.org slash pins. And thank you again. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dori Schafrier. Dori Schafrier, novelist. Novelist. Acclaimed novel, startup. Thank you, Jesse. I will talk a bit more about startup in the final plug section of the program. And again, the audience for this show is very concerned with what we do in what segment.

Yeah. We'll give you a little tease. I've read this thing and it's fucking fantastic. I've heard it's the cherimoya of novels. You guys, I'm blushing. It's on the jacket. David Sedaris said that. Yeah.

Anyway, but so we're talking about getting out of town, getting out of the rat race for a little bit. Getting out of Dodge, yep. Jesse's dog almost died. You went to Euro Disney. Yes, which has rebranded. Okay. It is not called Euro Disney anymore. It is called Disneyland Paris.

Oh, boy. So I guess I know Euro Disney ticks a little button for me in my brain in that it was something that people made jokes about when I was interested in comedy but didn't know what current events were. So I would just laugh at something because it sounded like a joke. It's the Galooly of theme parks. Yeah. Like Jeff Galooly, Euro Disney, and Norman Schwarzkopf.

Yeah. When I was starting to get like watching Letterman and Conan and stuff, I'm like, these are jokes. I'm, you know, that makes sense.

I'm an adult. Yeah. Because it's the 25th anniversary of Disneyland Paris slash Euro Disney this year. Yeah. So,

you know, the dates line up. Yeah, it's back in the, back in the zeitgeist. So are you, so you, you went on a Paris vacation.

Yes, I went with my husband to Paris for a week. We stayed with his friend in an apartment. And his friend lives there for the year. And my husband is very into Disney. He loves Disney. Your husband, we should explain, is a public figure.

Sure. Goofy. I guess. My husband is goofy. My husband is goofy. My husband is Matt Myra. Past guest on this program. Past guest on this program. Friend of Jesse and Jordan's.

Former writer on At Midnight. Current writer on The Goldbergs. Blah, blah, blah. Celebrated podcaster. Celebrated podcaster on The Nerdist. And now we do a podcast together called Matt and Dory's Excellent Adventure about our quest to have a child. So the two of you were trying to fuck a baby into each other in gay Paris. Basically.

And so I told Matt, I'll go to Disneyland Paris with you. We'll happily do that because marriage is about compromise. And you get six days in the City of Lights. Yeah. It felt like a good tradeoff. He gets one day in a very slightly different version of a thing that's an hour from his house. Yes. Exactly.

So you are not – you are – what is your level of Disney fandom v. his level of Disney fandom? His level of Disney fandom is like off the charts. Mine is like, it's all right. Okay. What is he a fan? This is the thing I don't, I don't want to cast aspersions upon Disney fans. Yeah. I don't understand what it is that they are a fan of.

Jesse, I was once like you. Okay. I was confused about this. Here was this man I loved who was very into Disney. And I was like, hmm, this is strange. I mean, he's a man of many enthusiasms. He also loves trains. He also loves the Dave Matthews Band.

So, but I finally got to the bottom of it. Well, trains, to their credit, are very useful. Yes. So I don't want to lump trains in with the Dave Matthews Band. I think that's more than fair. He told me once that it, reminds him of his childhood and it was like the one time that he remembers his family all like really getting along and he's very wistful. And then I felt really bad for being a snob about it. And so I've let him have that.

Yeah. And I think if you do, if you do come from a family where there is a lot of – I mean, I don't know anything about how he grew up. But I guess if you do grow up in a family where there is a lot of, like, you know, strife or argument or something, like, those peaceful times are, like, very clear in your head. So, yeah, I guess if they did have nice family trips to Disney. I think Matt also likes this idea that you don't have to think about anything. You can kind of clear your mind. You can just go there and everything's there. And he doesn't like to plan things.

Okay. So that is also an appeal to him. Whatever. I can understand that. That terrifies me. Everything you've described so far terrifies me. Yeah. So we went to Disneyland Paris.

You take a train. You can take a train there, which is a benefit because you can't take a train to the one here. Nice. It was like a third as crowded as Disneyland. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So that was nice. You could just like wait for 10 minutes and get on a ride.

See, now that is one of the things that I am most – I've gone to Disneyland a couple times as an adult. And I just find myself thinking like I paid $100. It's insane. To stand here? For like an hour and a half to go on a two-minute long ride. Because when I was a kid, my father is disabled. And if you're disabled, you get in a special disabled line. They've changed the rules about this.

Your disability now has to be directly related to standing in line. But like my dad would take his disability paperwork with him when we went to Disneyland and go to the office, and they would give us a special thing, and we would only have to wait in line for five or ten minutes. That's amazing. It was amazing. I mean, I guess, you know, it probably,

my dad has severe post-traumatic stress disorder. It probably kept him from flipping out and punching Snow White at some point. But, like, that was my, my but then when as an adult i no longer have that privilege yeah and so standing in line the whole time i'm just thinking like what the fuck am i doing yeah why am i standing you really start i could be doing anything else in the world yeah yeah so that was that was a nice part of right of disneyland paris um it was filled with british people okay tons of british people with lots of like snotty crying kids which like you know every disney has that um there was like a vaguely racist aladdin situation okay um where you like walked through this darkened passage with like scenes from aladdin

that were like racist when you say a vaguely racist aladdin situation are you referring to the movie aladdin yes right okay yeah so they just showed parts of Aladdin to you. Well, no, it wasn't the movie. It was like a display. Yeah. You know. And then when you finally met Aladdin, he was just a kind of a loud Italian guy. Hey, I'm Aladdin. There was, what's his name, Jafar.

Yeah. He was one of the characters you could like meet and take a picture with. Oh, wow. Which does not happen in America. You don't meet Jafar. No. You don't meet the villains. You don't meet Cruella de Vil.

No. Also, like the chipmunks were around. Like they're just bringing in other. No, not Alvin and the chipmunks. Oh, okay. Chip and Dale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were hanging out at Jafar's house?

No, but they were like a popular character you could take pictures with. Like I was shocked at the number of people who were like excited to take a picture with Chippendale. Like a Rescue Rangers Chippendale? Like an earlier Chippendale? Contemporary Chippendale? Hip-hop Chippendale? Not hip-hop. Is there a hip-hop Chippendale?

I think there probably is. There's got to be. I mean, there's a hip-hop Tweety Birdale? Not hip-hop. Is there a hip-hop Chippendale? I think there probably is. There's got to be. I mean, there's a hip-hop Tweety Bird. Oh, yeah, yeah. There was also Peter Pan, which is kind of weird. It is always interesting to see what characters and celebrities the rest of the world has latched on to. I think we've talked about this a little bit on the show, but it's how weird it is that they love Donald Duck in the Netherlands. Yeah.

And David Hasselhoff is popular in germany i mean to be fair donald duck is the only one that does anything that's true like of all those disney characters donald duck is a character right he has a characteristic which is getting mad yeah and forcing children to smoke cigars yeah just generally being a shitty daffy duck. What are, do you, what now, did you notice anything else that was different from regular Disneyland? Well, the food. How was the food? The food was fine.

Yeah. You could buy croissants. Okay. The food was cheaper also. Okay. There were, you could buy like wine everywhere. I don't mean to correct. I don't mean to correct you.

Yes. It's not pronounced Chris. It's pronounced Chris sandwich. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. No one ever told me that. I feel like such a dumb. The only people who pronounce it right are the people at Burger King.

Yeah. Also, people were smoking. Oh, interesting. They were smoking and drinking wine. Yeah. A Disneyland where you smoke. So it was. So they were smoking and drinking wine. Yes. A Disneyland where you smoked. So it was a comedy sketch about a Parisian Disneyland. It was kind of ridiculous.

Like you weren't allowed to smoke in most of the park, but people did anyway and no one cared. Huh. Wow. So a lot of vaping. Really? Yeah. Okay. A lot of vaping.

Vaping or Eurovaping? Hard to say. It's now called Vaping Paris. Got it. It's called a vape-pan-wich. Right. A vape-pan-wich. Now, I've heard that Euro Disney, one of the other big differences is it's persistent four-on-the-floor beat.

Is that correct? Yes. Oh, oh, oh, oh oh oh yes weirdest thing at euro at disneyland paris euro disney whatever there was one of those outdoor stage shows with the stormtroopers oh and very like ominous star now when you say this when you say the stormtroopers, you're referring to the ones from Star Wars, right? I am. Yeah. Which is a Disney property.

Not the ones that occupied France. World War II. Okay, but that's the thing. It was like, I was like, like Matt and I both looked at each other and we were like, is it not weird that this is happening in France? Like, do they not understand what's,

like the overtones of this? Like, I was creeped out. I was like, we need to vacate this area. Yeah, it is funny that, you know, that Stormtrooper imagery and that Stormtrooper costume

is so popular. It's like, this is a Nazi reference. Yes! It was, and then Darth Vader comes. I mean, like, it was really,

I got creeped out. Did they do that thing in the Stormtrooper show where they make the big spray of water and then they back project movie scenes onto it? Because that's pretty amazing. I do love that. No, they didn't. Talking about the world of color.

Was there anything phantasmic in the Stormtrooper show? Oh, phantasmic. Well, you know, I didn't. I'm talking about phantasmic. I thought you were talking about the world of color. You probably said world of color and then in your head you thought I was talking about the Main Street Electrical Parade. No, I know what the Main Street Electrical Parade is. Okay.

Anyway. Oh, real quick. Main Street Electrical Parade is a Pocahontas show. I'm going to crowdsource something. Okay. Two things have happened. Yeah. One, somebody gave me shrooms. Okay. Two things have happened. Yeah. One, somebody gave me shrooms.

Right. I've never taken shrooms before. Uh-huh. Two, the Main Street Electrical Parade is back. Let me know. Should I do it? Hit me up on Twitter, at Jordan underscore Morris. Okay.

I've heard great things about shrooms. My wife did shrooms once. Yeah? She had a great time talking to Jesus. Oh, neat. What'd she do? He was very encouraging.

And she was at Knott's Berry Farm, though. Yeah. Well, Knott's Berry Farm. That was the mistake. Oh, boy. Yeah, sure. The whole time

she was talking to Jesus turned out just to be Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Oh, boy. Yeah. Bet she felt like a real dummy. Mm-hmm. Bet she got that

great fried chicken they're famous for. Jesus is a great rack, dude. Still looks good. Still looks good. All these years, Jesus is still looking sexy. So did you do any, what sorts of impressive non-Disneyland things did you do in Paris? Is there anything you can recommend?

Well, we went to Versailles. Okay. Which was very interesting and cool. I did find it strange that they didn't really talk about what happened when Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI were absconded from Versailles. They were just like, they were taken back to Paris. Sure. I was like, that's it? That's all you're going to say? And then the stormtroopers came Paris. Sure. I was like, that's it? That's all you're going to say? And then the stormtroopers

came out. Exactly. Did you find it weird that all the tour guides were sans culottes? I did. You know what I'm talking about, right, Jordan?

Oh, yeah. I've heard there's a place in France. There's a certain hole in the wall where the men could Potentially Do you know what I'm talking about?

That people Like when you're a kid You sing There's a place in France Yeah where the naked ladies dance Yeah sure And you know the revolutionaries Were known as the same

I did That means they're not wearing pants Yeah Sure Yeah We have a lot of fun On Jordan, Jesse, Go Rhymes, history

Jokes, humor France Disco beats We have a lot of fun on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Rhymes, history. Jokes, humor, France, disco beats. So my trip that I went on, I went to New Orleans for a couple of days. I've never been. New Orleans is great. It's terrific. Stay there a little longer than you would stay in Vegas. It's like a Vegas that you can stay at a little bit longer.

Yeah. Great. Yeah, so New Orleans is awesome. The food is great. History, architecture, all that, all the shit you want out of a vacation spot. I think if you make sure to go when it's not oppressively hot, you're golden. Did you have an occasion for this trip? We had a little hiatus from work.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And there was kind of, and so, not to get too insidery on you, but there's a looming writer's strike. Yeah. So I thought to myself, this is the one time when I have a break from work where I could, like, afford to take a little trip during it. So I think perhaps there is a time in the future when I will be taking a long break from work and should probably just stay at home. Yeah. Anyway, so it was a little treat.

A little treat. Yeah, nice. Two things of note. One, in all the t-shirt shops, there was a popular slogan that said, don't make me poison your food. I saw it first on an apron.

I'm like, all right, this is for like a sassy chef. But then I also saw it on T-shirts and hats that just said, don't make me poison your food. Is that from one of the Pawn Stars guys? I don't know. It seems like just a threat. It seems like just a shirt with a threat on it. It must be a saying of a. One of the swamp people.

Of a guy. Yeah. Right. I'm like, is this a guy. Yeah, right. I'm like, is this something Dr. John says? Do I just maybe not know enough about? Hello, it's me, Dr. John the Night Tripper. Don't make me poison your food. By the way, our Creole accents are just a French guy. Yeah, we are very sorry about that.

Yeah, apologies to all Creole people. Dr. John is one of those people I'm always like, oh, yeah, you're still alive. Yeah. Good for him. Yeah. Being alive. He's still out there night tripping. Just don't take any food from him.

He might poison it. He might poison it. Thing two. Yeah. Okay. Now, there's a naughty street in New Orleans. Okay. It's called Bourbon Street.

Sure. Wait a minute. Bourbon, like the liquor? Like the liquor. Seems inappropriate. Yeah. Well, I mean, the shops and businesses on this street reflect that. Oh, my goodness. Now, I'm no prude and I would be honest with you guys if I succame to the lusty call of the strip club.

Succombed. Excuse me. I would tell you guys if I chrisandwiched to the call. I did not. I'm not judging those who do. But I didn't do it. Despite the fact that Booty, Booty, Booty was rocking everywhere. Yes. On that street.

But I came close because they have the New Orleans strip clubs have like guys out front who are yelling at you to come in. Yeah, like something you would see in like an 80s movie about a strip club. You know, like, you know, all right, you know, we've got we've got all kinds of girls and they are naked and ready for you. And so there was this one. What are these guys wearing? So this guy, this guy I'm talking about, mostly they're like dressed like fake nice, like they have suspenders and bow ties. And they're like, you know, trying to. Are they dressed fake nice or dressed like a guy that is about to sell you a phosphate?

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. They're traveling medicine show salesmen. So there's a guy... You gotta know the territory. Yeah. There's a guy outside this strip club, bow tie, suspenders, and he's just yelling, tits! Tits!

And I'm like, you know what, sir? Tits! Tits! And I'm like, you know what, sir? I almost appreciate how direct this is so much. I might take you up on this. Anyway. What's sadder? This is my great regret.

What's sadder, going to a strip club by yourself or with others? I mean, I think, hmm. I mean, no, I think by yourself is definitely. That's a, you know, something one shouldn't do. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, if you're with a gang and that's where the evening's going, not the worst thing in the world. And if a guy is just yelling tits, you might as well take him up on it.

Sure. Yeah. So is you, the folks from Swamp People. Yeah, the Swamp, Dr. John. Celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. Yeah. Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer.

And Harry Hansen. Just me and all the New Orleans noteworthies. And Anne Rice. And Anne Rice, yes, of course. Famous vampire novelist Anne Rice. If anybody loves a strip club. Yeah. It's Anne Rice.

Oh, yeah. Interview with a vampire novelist. Rice is making it rain. Rice is just. She's got the dough. Out there. Oh, yeah. Rice is making it rain. Rice is just out there. Bottle service. Private table. Yeah. Crocodile.

Order one in. But yeah, couldn't recommend New Orleans enough. If you get a chance to go there, make sure it's not hot and then go there. Alligator, Jordan. Sure. It's alligators. Alligators live in America. Crocodiles live in Africa.

Don't be an asshole. You know, a lot of people, I mean, there's a lot of debate as to how to say it. Some people call it New Orleans. Some people call it Nolans. I call it New Zatarains. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the Cherimoya King. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dory Schafrier. You can have a nickname if you want to. Oh, what would you guys nickname me? I mean, I think it's something you gotta look deep inside yourself and figure out, you know? Yeah, if you need some shrooms, let us know.

Yeah, I've got some shrooms. Thank you. I'll take you up on that. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. What about this? Dory Shafrir shroomin'. No. That sounds like the Disneyland ride, Soarin'.

Oh, yeah. That's what I would think of every time I said it. I think that's a California adventure ride. Yeah, yeah. Just trying to protect

you from these vengeful Disney fans. Disney literalists. Jesse, I appreciate that. Remember to tweet your corrections at I am Papa John. Mm-hmm.

All corrections on Jordan Jesse. Go ahead over to the good Papa. When something momentous happens to you, like you're soaring over California, we ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. That telephone number, 206-984-4FUN.

That's 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your telephone. Here's our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Evan from Boston. Trying to let you know that today I went to a sex shop with my wife to get some sweet butt toys. Because last night I literally lost a vibrator inside of my wife's ass. And right before I thought that we would have to go to the hospital,

ass and right before i thought that we would have to go to the hospital i saved the day by literally covering my hand in lube and really getting up there to retrieve it so uh hope that's how much it's enough love the show guys and love you bye we love you too friend what the fuck i have so many questions so we've been doing this show for more than 10 years, Jordan. I feel like that is the realest it has ever gotten. Yeah. I feel like that was much realer than the person who had a penis installed and it was too big. That was moderately real. My initial.

This is extremely real. My initial reaction is that, is this too far? But am I being a prude? Am I? Here's my... I mean, I didn't go into the New Orleans strip club. I was taken aback by this ass-reaching story. I was just confused because he opened the call with, we went to a sex shop, and I thought

the call was going to be about his and his wife's journey to the sex shop. Sure. And then it really took a turn. Yeah, I thought it was just going to be a nice thing. Like, oh, we got some Spanish ticklers. Sure. Exactly. I mean, no one tickles like a Spaniard.

Especially a Catalonian. Right. Yeah. So, boy, I admire their resolve. Paella and Ticklin, that's what they're known for. So, Dory. Yes, Jordan. You went to the Silver Lake Dog Park.

I did. And were bit. Yes. Am I wrong in assuming that it will be a while before you go back to the Silver Lake Dog Park? You are correct. So, this couple. will be a while before you go back to the Silver Lake dog park. You are correct. So, this couple- Once bitten, twice not shy at all. This couple lost a dildo in an ass.

Wait, wait. Hold on. A butt vibrator. They said a vibrator. No, I'm sorry. We don't know. It could have been a dildo. You're right.

Do not put stuff in your butt that does not have a flared base. You got to have a flared base. That's just the basics. Here's what I'm picturing. I'm picturing one of those little pocket vibrators that are small and thin and do not have a flared base. And should not go in butts. And should not go in butts for this very reason. Well, I can't believe we're talking about this not during Analogist, first of all.

Yeah, this is it's only April, people! Analogist is months away! So. Okay. Here's what's amazing. They lost this item. I'm sorry that I assumed at the top that it was a dildo.

He said it was a vibrator. He said it was a vibrator. You should be taking notes. I was. I'm absolutely, I apologize. Here's the picture I drew. Oh, that is very detailed. Why is your head on both the members of the couple? It's the only way I can achieve two messes. It's true.

So, they lost this vibrator in this butt. And it was in there in such an extreme way that he had to lube an arm. How did it get so far in there that it couldn't get out? You know what I would have used if this situation had... Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

Thank God. Indeed. Knock on wood. There but for the grace of God go I. I have, well all my children technically have uh one of those things you buy at the science museum it's like a robot claw arm oh yeah oh yeah you know what i'm talking about loop that up oh that'd be my first move yeah i'd probably loop that up forceps yeah like a fort like. Yeah, I'd probably loop that up. Like forceps. Yeah, like a forceps. Like, well, it's a tool. When you're doing a job, you need a tool.

Yeah. So this guy lubed up his arm. Yeah. Reached in. How far did he have to reach in? I know. Up to where? To where on your arm?

Like some kind of animal husbandry student. How did it get so lost in there? And you're back at the thing the next day buying a new one? I mean, they're like, we can't. But also, I guess you throw that one away. Hopefully they're buying a flared base for the old one. Yeah, you gotta. Let's listen.

Caller, I know we don't love to do follow-ups on these. Call us back and let us know, just for our own peace of mind, if whatever new butt item you bought had a flared base because we want that for you. And if it didn't, for God's sakes, take it back and exchange it for one that does. Now, that said, all of these things, you know, I think we've given some good warning to this young man. Sure. We've given some good guidance to this young man. I want to commend him because it's easy to let the flame go out in your marriage.

Absolutely. You know, as the years go by. Sure. Work, kids, the economy, this clown in the White House. Am I right? Oh, boy. It's not cherimoya season anymore. Yeah, sure.

These are the kinds of things that you're going to be facing down. And I'm glad that you're doing what it takes to keep that flame burning. The blowtorch that is looping up your arm to reach within your wife. That's going to be

tough imagery to get out of my head. If it had happened to me and I had something lost there, I frankly would want to loop my own arm up. There's a certain intimacy to

trusting your partner enough to do the search. Also, if I may... You may. Please. I insist you do. It seems like she could have just waited to poop it out. I'm just going to throw that out there. Yeah.

No. I mean, I think we all have a lot of questions, and I think that's a perfectly valid one. Hold on. This isn't a scat podcast. Okay? Don't get gross. Yeah. Okay?

Sorry, guys. Dory, it's disgusting. we try and keep it clean on this show thank you very much my apologies do you guys think that i'll ever find anyone who loves me enough to move up their arm and retrieve a vibrator out of my ass i don't know that that's something that'll happen but i just want to know that somewhere there's someone out there. Anyway. Can I recommend to you an alternative, Jordan, if you don't find love? Yeah.

Just enroll in an ag school and see what happens. Texas A&M. Sure. I'll probably have to reach up something. You know, Jordan, it's interesting that you said you hope to find someone who, you know, would go up your ass. Right. But what about you

finding someone who you would feel comfortable enough to lube up and go up there? Hold on. This isn't a therapy session. No, no. I mean, that's an interesting point.

Sorry, Dr. Phil. No, it is interesting that I went there. It is. Yeah. I find it very interesting. Oh, boy. Are we going to have to...

Have we found a knapsack to unpack? Just going to leave very interesting. Oh, boy. Are we going to have to – have we found a knapsack to unpack? Just going to leave that there. Oh, boy. Guys, once I'm done unpacking this knapsack of white privilege, I'm going to work on that knapsack. I've got two knapsacks here. I've got ass issues. Put the white privilege on the back burner. This is like a rucksack.

Yes. Here's our next call. Rucksack burner. This is like a rucksack. Yes. Here's our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Sunny D, Christian, and guest. This is Emily calling from Rochester, New York.

Pause the tape. I would like to- Daniel, pause the tape. Pause the tape. Daniel is on the board this week. How could you be so fucking stupid? I know. Some people. Ugh.

He's sitting right here like to be that rude to Daniel's face. You know, Grant. Okay, great. You remembered that Brian is off working on his little television show. Okay, that's nice. That's lovely. It's not Christian every week. Christian's got a life.

He's out there hitting the clubs. He's getting himself some fried chicken. He's playing video games. That's got a life. He's out there hitting the clubs. He's getting himself some fried chicken. He's playing video games. That's pretty much it, I think. Yeah, those are the three things. That's the top three for Christian Dwayne. Anyway, I just wanted to- Daniel, we're sorry.

We're sorry for our call. We're sorry, Daniel. We didn't mean for this to be the most embarrassing day of your life but it just happened sometimes fate just loops up it's yeah and reaches reaches up as far as it can go okay let's go back to the beginning and play it again this very nice woman i'm picking on for no reason i feel bad hi jordan jesse sunny d christian and guest, this is Emily calling from Rochester, New York. I would like to wish you a happy 420 with a momentous occasion and a lifelong learning story.

It doesn't actually have anything to do with weed, but today, April 20th, is my first anniversary of becoming an apprentice iron worker in Local 33 here in Rochester, New York. That makes me the third woman in our entire local. And at the age of 33, I'm about 10 years older than all of the other apprentices. It was a really tough year, and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through, but I did, and that has given me the confidence

to stick it out for three more to become a journeyman. I learned a lot about ironwork and about myself. Most importantly, that I'm not afraid of heights, as I believed I was for the majority of my life and I experienced menstruating on a construction site which is probably the most surreal thing that will ever happen to me I've had a lot of fun and gotten to do a lot of really cool shit. Right now, I'm working on building a bridge over the Erie Canal. So thanks a lot, guys, for being the dudes that can drag my ass out of bed every Monday at 4.30 a.m. so that I can get to work.

And hopefully, I will be able to call you with an even more momentous occasion when I journey in the future. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye. Congratulations. That's a nice, clean, momentous occasion. A little long, but

truly momentous. She's building a bridge. She's building a bridge. A literal bridge. A literal bridge. And I think we should all take a minute to salute our nation's craftspeople. Yeah. That good old local 33. And Jordan and I are in show business.

I know you're just a writer. Yes. Some kind of novelist. But Jordan and I are in show business. And I would like to take on behalf of show business, for whom we speak, I'd like to salute America's craft services people. Thank you. Yes. Thank you for making us a nice sausage or a salad. For having a jug of lemonade and a jug of iced tea.

Yeah. You mix them if you want to. Don't have to. Yeah. But why wouldn't you, given the opportunity? It's fun sometimes, but I prefer just the iced tea. Yeah. You mix them if you want to. Don't have to. Yeah. But why wouldn't you, given the opportunity? It's fun sometimes, but I prefer just the iced tea. Really? Yeah.

But I mean, is that because you're considering your health? It's both. Yeah. Oh, it's both? Yeah. I mean, I like a nice glass of iced tea. Really? Yum, yum.

I don't think it needs anything. I think that's God's perfect beverage. But I mean, there's a jug of lemonade right there. He's not wrong. Well, I mean, I'm not, I don't never do it. Right. But just when I feel like I need a little change of pace, you know? And then at the end, I'm always like, that was okay.

Tomorrow, back to iced tea. Sorry, that's just the way things are. I'm not going to censor myself. I guess, I don't know. Like right now, my feeling about this is thank you. I just want to thank you, Jordan, for 11 great years. Oh, so this is the last episode? And, you know, we've been doing Jordan, Jesse Go for over 10 years.

But Jordan and I worked together in our sketch group, Prank the Dean, before that. And we also co-hosted a radio show called The Sound of Young America that eventually became my NPR show, Bullseye. So Jordan and I have actually known each other for 17 years. Yeah. About right. actually known each other for 17 years. Yeah. Right. So, um, you know,

this wasn't how I anticipated an ending, but I mean, it has to end sometime. Right. You know, so I think this is as good a, as good a reason as any to just kind of just shut it down, go our separate ways,

shut it down, go our separate ways. Probably never talk again. You guys, I'm getting kind of sad. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

I mean, it's, it is in some ways a sad day. But on the other hand, what is genuinely sad to me from my perspective, and I'm going to be frank with you, Dory, is to look at a jug of lemonade next to the jug of iced tea and think, I'm only going to have iced tea. I'm not going to mix those together. Okay. only going to have iced tea. I'm not going to mix those together. People

went all the way to the Supreme Court to allow beverages to mix in that way in the 1950s. Loving versus Virginia, right? Exactly. That's what that was about. It was about someone wanted to mix Coke and Sprite. Palmer versus Ferguson.

Yeah, sure. I see both sides. Right. But I mean, now that I see both sides. Yeah. Right. But, I mean, you know, now that there's one less podcast out there, people can, you know, take more time to listen to Matt and Dory's Excellent Adventure. You're right. You're right. So, thank you, guys. Yeah.

No. You know, it's. Or more likely just S-Town. Yeah. S-Town. Just re-listen to S-Town. I'm done with S-Town. I finished S-Town. I'm not familiar with it.

So, anyway, thank you you jordan thanks for everything yeah no it's been fun and uh yeah uh onward and upward i guess yeah absolutely i mean probably downward in my case i think this is the start of a spiral if i'm being perfectly frank this is probably the start of a spiral for me um this has been the only thing you know at this point i'm like if you imagine one of those diver men from Circuit City. From Service's State of the Art. From Circuit City where Service's State of the Art. You imagine if it only had one flipper.

Okay. And there was a little leak in the air pocket. Yeah. So it no longer had neutral buoyancy. It's the start of a spiral. You put that in a pond, it's going to spiral downward. Wow. That's where I'm at right now, Dory in a pond, it's going to spiral downward. Wow. That's where I'm at right now, Dory.

And I, Dory, we barely know each other. I know your husband, Matt, better than I know you, but I like you a lot. I'm really grateful

to have somebody as special as you here to honor this moment when, I think in a way, it's the beginning of the end of my life. Yeah. I'm just kind of glad to have a couple more hours a week, just kind of me time. So I think that'll be fun's the beginning of the end of my life yeah I'm just kind of glad

to have a couple more hours a week just kind of me time so I think that'll be fun I'll probably like check off just do check off

you know do some reading and check it off and yeah so you know sad to see it go but man what are you gonna do

yeah and Daniel uh thanks for being here a few times yeah you seem nice you seem like a nice guy you seem like a good guy I think And Daniel, thanks for being here a few times. Yeah. You seem nice.

You seem like a nice guy. You seem like a good guy, I think. Well, so we just kind of take a break and do our last segment ever? Yeah. Great. Awesome. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Dori Jafri. I'm still looking for a nickname. I want to thank all of our listeners for 10, 11 great years. Yeah, it's been fun. Thank you so much for all that you've given us, all of your support over the years. iTunes reviews. Sure.

Sending us weird food in the mail. The whole nine yards. I feel like I got in right under the wire. Thank God, because you've got a book to promote. I know. You've got your new book, Startup. It's a satirical novel about the world of Silicon Valley. New York.

It takes place in Brooklyn, but the world of tech and startups. I would love to make my last, to make my last act as the co-host of this show. Is this an official or unofficial act? No, this is official. Okay, so I should get out the parchment. But would you please? Of course. My last act as

co-host would be to just recommend the shit out of Startup. You were nice enough to send me an advanced copy i feel very lucky to have read it uh read it on that plane in new orleans and boy is this thing great it i it it it started out and i'm like all right this is a very fun and funny look at this world it's a little rom-commy but as i as I'm going through, I'm enjoying myself and I'm like, oh. There's something else

here. It's got a little satirical bite and it's a little bit sexy. It's a little bit sexy. There's some sexy parts. I mean, no one lubes up an arm. I know. But there's some sexy bits. You gotta save something for the sequel. It's true. Yeah.

And it's very funny, and it definitely has some surprising social commentary that kind of comes at you in a really cool, surprising way. Would you characterize the commentary as trenchant? Sure. Yes. Wow.

Upside the head. Yeah, I really, I think what's, so I think this podcast will go up on Monday. Is it available for purchase? It will be available Tuesday. Okay. So if it's Monday, get on that Amazon, pre-order it. And just remember, as the Gap Band once sang, trenchant, upside your head. Trenchant, upside your head.

Yeah. It's really, really good. I mean, if you got a summer vacay coming up, if you need a book for poolside, if you need a book for wherever, you can do- The sex shop. Yeah. If your wife's in the sex shop and you want to wait in the car, you're at Disney. Crack open startup. It's great. I loved it. Thank you, Jordan. You're welcome.

Dory, thank you so much for joining us on the program. It's been a joy to have you here. Thanks for having me. I mean, congratulations on 10 years of this program. Yeah, yeah. We didn't get a lot done. No. Probably could have used our... In the early years, we picked what the best animal was to a bracket system that lasted over a year. So, I mean, I think that, you know, we probably could have used this mouthpiece for something worthwhile, but didn't.

So, you know, that was a mistake. I think you're going out on a high note. Yeah. It just was a good episode. Had that ass story. You went to Euro Disney. That was interesting. It was interesting to learn about the stormtroopers.

You know what? Can I make a pitch to you, Jordan? Yeah, sure. What if we take a look and see what we can put together next week? We sit down. We bring a guest in. We record something, kind of a free-flowing conversation. We'll break it up a little bit, but a free-flowing conversation, a comic conversation about whatever comes into our minds.

We'll come up with a name for it next week. My initial feeling, and you can tell me if this is a bad idea my initial feeling is Jordan Jesse Go I like it I mean we could probably do some more brainstorming but that's a great jumping off point we can lay it down we could probably beat that

we'll lay it down, we'll put it out we have an RSS feed already so we'll use that and we'll just see how it goes yeah, I mean like like low-pressure. Yeah. Just kind of like spitballing some stuff. A real low-pressure system rolling in from the east. I like that.

You know what I mean? Yeah. A real tropical storm. Yeah. Done. Okay. I'll see you here next week. Okay.

Great. I want to mention before we go, we often joke about our MaxFun subreddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, which is the only warm place on the entire internet. And when we joke about that, typically we bring up a Redditor named Lawthreaper. Now, this is not his actual screen name. I can never remember what his actual screen name is. It sort of looks like Lothreeper. So for years, over time, I've

abandoned trying to remember what his actual screen name is. It's hard. When you just need to pull the name of a person who enjoys the show too much, you just... You go right to Lawthreeper. You just go right to Lawthreeper. Well, our friend Lawthreeper is –

For a while it was Shrimpoo, but I haven't heard from Shrimpoo in a while. It's been a while since we've heard from old Shrimpoo. But Lawthreeper had a little health challenge. I heard from – he didn't say anything to me, but I heard from some friends of his on MaxFun as an unofficial Slack channel also where people chat about MaxFun. And he's on there and some other folks there mentioned to me that he was going through a little health challenge. So I just want to acknowledge that we're thinking of Lothreeper. And if you're out there and you listen to this show, you know how important Lawthreeper is to all of us. Think a nice thought for Lawthreeper. Hopefully everything will be totally fine.

But give old Threeps a nice thought. Totally. Yeah. There's definitely like, you know, five or six people I think of when I think of like serious Jordan Jesse Goh fans who I love interacting with. Who are funny and great and positive and like the show. And, yeah, he's definitely one of a kind of small group of people who I'm like, oh, they get it. I always love hearing from them on the internet. So, yeah, definitely support your local positive commenter.

Yeah. We're talking about old Threeps. Old Threepy. Old Threeps. Thanks, Threeps. Speaking of thank yous, thank you to Daniel Baruela, who's on the boards this week. Thank you, Daniel. Thank you, of course, to our brilliant and handsome producer, the Beefcake, Sonny D, Brian Fernandez.

Always looking good. Big Beef. Our man, Big Beef. Looking good over there writing on his television program. Hopefully, you guys will lose your livelihoods and we'll all be back together again like the family. That would be great. That would be fantastic. Thanks to Brian Fernandez.

You can find us on Twitter at jessithorn, at Jordan underscore Morris. Are you on there, Twitter? I am. I'm just at Dory, D-O-R-E-E. Oh, there you go. Yeah. At Dory on Twitter. You know what?

Another way you can access that, twitter.com slash Dory. Indeed. I'm not saying you have to, but you can. There's a lot of ways to get there. Yeah. And I don't judge you. Dory's book is called Startup. It's in stores.

Tomorrow, this book is... Just go on a website. Just go on Amazon or look at Startup or go to your local independent bookseller and ask them for Startup. Just go get yourself. You need a great book. You need a beach read. You do. This book's a beach read.

It's fun. It's funny. It's got satirical bite. I love Startup. You don't have to read it on the beach, Jordan. You can read it down in your- Whereevs. If you're one of these Silicon Valley preppers, read it down in your hole.

Totally. You got a special hole? Drink your Soylent. Yeah. Read your startup. Wait for the end. Add a little coconut oil. That might be nice.

Probably. It's probably something people add to Soylent, right? Yeah, probably. Seems like you'd add coconut oil to Soylent. Fix their stools or something. Yeah. You know what would be nice if you added it to Soylent? Again, I'm not trying to brag here, but a nice ripe cherimoya.

That sounds nice. That would be nice. Sprinkle a little Zatarain on top. It's called the prepper's gumbo. Okay, we'll talk to you guys next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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