Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 478: Urban Shepherd with Ophira Eisenberg

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

NPR host and comedian Ophira Eisenberg joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the Tasmanian Devil's hometown, the proliferation of cool teens wearing Led Zeppelin shirts, and the comfort a fun local news story like goats being used to clear brush on a hillside can be.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I have a quick announcement that I'd like to make. Please. And this is, you know, I like to get the business out of the way at the top of the show. Yeah.

Last week on... That's what you... I mean, it's a good entertainer strategy. You lure the men with business. Right. Logistics. Right. I mean, that's what I think the first time listener wants to hear. They want to hear our business housekeeping.

That's how I got hooked on Serial. Program notes. Yeah. So- Tour dates. List your tour dates before the podcast starts. A week ago, Jordan, you and I recorded the very last episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Yeah.

I mean, it was a beloved show. And part of me is sad to see it go, but it had run its course. Over 10 years we spent. Our guest, by the way, a stand-up comic, the host of NPR's Ask Me Another, memoirist, Ophira Eisenberg. Hello. I'm really happy to be in the aftermath. I want to include you in

this conversation because you are, it turns out you're a very auspicious guest. Oh, yeah? Booker is really not doing much for you? Well, initially we were going to get Bette Midler to sing Wind Beneath My Wings. Oh, yeah. But they said, well, what about Ophira Eisenberg from Ask Me Another?

Right. And we're just like, book us whichever one has more costume changes. And it turned out to be you. It was me. Yep. Two, two in five minutes. So just let us know. Simple black strappy tank was all we were looking for.

Just let us know when you need to change or you need to put on a new wig and we'll just vamp. Yeah, okay. I know the current wig I have, which is a Halloween classic. Great. Yeah. But Ophira comes in, full Bride of Frankenstein. Let me explain the situation.

For your benefit, Ophira. Maybe a pink rave number later. Just a thought. You know what? I've got it in blue. So we were celebrating over 10 years of doing the podcast Jordan and Jessica. And Jordan and I both have burgeoning

careers in the entertainment industry. Sure. We're bound to take off at some point. Yeah. More and more often people are suggesting to us that we should go into entertainment.

And so we thought, well, this is the perfect place to end Jordan, Jesse, Go one week ago. And I think there was a disagreement about when there's a jug of iced tea and a jug of lemonade, whether or not you should mix them. Right. I think that was the core issue. Right. Wait a second. Who sided on what side?

No mix. Uh-huh. I felt that you should mix them to make an Arnold Palmer. Sure. I guess maybe I should clarify my position. I don't think you should not ever mix them. We settled this issue last week by ending Jordan Jesse's forever. I brought it up again, though. I'm sorry.

Old wounds. Old wounds. I'm not saying you should never mix them. I'm just saying for me it's an occasional treat. I think iced tea is the perfect beverage. You don't need to fuck with it. So we decided to end Jordan and Jesse Go last week. Now, this week we're starting a new show.

Jordan and I are hosting it together. It's going to be a kind of weekly comic chat. We'll have a guest on most weeks to talk with us. It's going to be a sort of free form. We will have a recurring segment called Momentous Occasions. We're calling this new show Jordan, Jesse, Go. Yeah, I think you can liken this to the comic book publishing world. Every couple of years, you need to end things.

You need to start again. Remake the universe. Right. This is the new fresh start. It's not really a take off or the spin off. The new show it's in the same pot.

It has the same RSS feed. Okay. You don't have to unsubscribe or resubscribe. It has the same RSS feed, but it's a new show. We're doing it. This is a new show. And I know the titles are similar. So just like for people who want to catalog these things, maybe for people who are updating Wikipedia, just refer to this.

What we are in now is Jordan, Jesse, go post Flashpoint. Everything else leading up to this is pre-Flashpoint. Got it. So, however, and I think that made a lot of sense last week, but like United Airlines, I care. I don't ever like a sentence that starts that way. We're taking a cue from United Airlines. Also, we have not seen the news.

Listen, we love United Airlines. We're very excited about the Fyre Festival coming up. Oh, I can't get enough robot press juice. So like United Airlines, we, Jordan and I, are always plugged in to our audience, which we consider a kind of customer base. And we're always listening to their thoughts and opinions about the show. Sure. Smart. What I heard when last week's show went out was that people were

very upset about the ending of Jordan, Jesse, Go. This was a beloved treasure in their lives, something they came back to week after week after week after week. They didn't want to have to get to know a new show. They didn't want to have to get to know a new cast, a new format. So many driveway moments that they could reflect upon. They didn't want to lose those. Exactly. And so I would like to announce that this will be

the final episode of Jordan, Jesse Go. Next week, we will return to Jordan, Jesse, go. So this week's episode, the final episode of Jordan, Jesse, go, beginning next week, and again, you will not have to change your RSS feed. You don't have to subscribe and unsubscribe. We're bringing back the classic show. Exactly. So we are bringing back the classic show exactly so we are bringing back the classic show next week

original formula the same Jordan and Jesse you love the same old format that you love momentous occasion that you loved you will not have to deal with the new elements you won't have to deal with the new name Jordan and Jesse go you won't have to deal with the new hosts

Jesse and Jordan it sounds a lot like what Coca-Cola did back in the day I don't know. Also, Wally West will be the kid Flash again. So I just want to let everybody know that we've heard your complaints. We will be seeing this episode of Jordan and Jesse go through to completion. Because we already booked Ophira. We already did the whole thing.

We announced it. I don't want to lie to people. However. But it's over. This is the end. Okay. This is But it's over. This is the end. Okay. This is the beginning, the middle, and the end of Jordan, Jesse, go. And next week we will be returning to doing Jordan, Jesse, go.

I feel honored. It is incredible. Yeah. I don't even know what to say. It's like, you know, you are to us as Tom Hanks is to Conan. You know, you are to us as Tom Hanks is to Conan. I mean, to be part of something from the ground floor and to see how it was finally realized. But I think just to warn you.

Yeah. Because what you are in right now is essentially a kind of a rebooted Jordan, Jesse Go. Sure. Fans will hate this episode. Of course, because it sounds like too different. It's change. Sure. People don't react well to change.

Sure. They freak out. Our costumes are slightly different. We have slightly different costumes. Yeah. There's some detailing on Jesse's breastplate that they don't like. So, yeah, this will be a hated episode that will be the source of a lot of online sketches. Sure.

Song parodies. Just be prepared for that. I didn't like the lot of online sketches, song parodies. Just be prepared for that. I didn't like the memes I saw just leading up to it. Celebrity screenwriter Max Landis will do a famous rant about how bad this episode is. I was very concerned about the memetics of the situation. That was all. And Ophira, not just memes, also macros. Macros?

Macaroons. Macaroons. Well, not just macaroons, macarons. The viral macarons. The French kind, the colorful kind, both the coconut kind and the French colorful kind. Have you ever had a viral macaron? I have not. I had to get a shot for that. I got hepatitis b from a macaron

in paris once listen i was at the viral i was at the fire festival by the way we're recording this i should just say that this is hot news we're recording this yeah you're probably sick of the fire festival by the time you're hearing this and also also, someone may die at this thing. So I apologize if between the time we recorded this and the time this goes up, someone has been, like, picked apart by crabs at the Fyre Festival. I'm just going to say, if you call something the Fyre Festival,

you're hoping someone will die. Sure, yeah. That's right, yeah, yeah. You should just call it Shit Show 2017. $10,000, charter a private plane. But they have to put an exclamation mark for the eyes. that this is actually some sort of Peter Thiel fantasy libertarian ideal state. Like is this – those Silicon Valley disruptor guys, do you think they created the Fyre Festival as a preliminary test of a later system to be implemented on a country that they buy?

Well, the question is does anyone have that kind of mastermind? test of a later system to be implemented on a country that they buy. Well, the question is, does anyone have that kind of mastermind? Yeah. And I would say, Jesse Jordan, that we always want to believe that person exists, the mastermind. We do. But they don't. My name is Jesse Thorne, but keep going. What did you, did you call him Jesse Jordan? Jesse Jordan.

Jesse Jordan. Jesse Jordan. Oh, Jesse Jordan, yeah. But I was looking in two different directions. going what did you did you call him jesse joyce jesse jordan jesse jordan oh jesse jordan yeah but i was looking in two different directions that was actually the most disconcerting part of the whole thing uh i thought you were maybe calling him jesse joyce my co-worker who we're talking about on the way up oh yes a very funny jesse you are all you're often confused for salty new york earring wearing vape comic Jesse Joyce, right? Yeah, well, it's because of my chain wallets. Yeah.

Yeah. It's cargo shorts, but. Cargo shorts? Yeah. Got it. Can you have a chain wallet on? You can check a chain wallet on cargo shorts. Yeah, you can chain wallet on cargo shorts.

Come on. What am I? You're from Orange County. As I was saying that, I'm like, of course you can put a chain wallet on cargo shorts. Jordan, you traversed the streets a chain wallet on cargo shorts. Jordan, you traversed the streets of Mission Viejo in 1996. Of course you can have a chain wallet and a cargo short. I don't know where I was at.

I thought they came together. Probably a slip in the time stream. You're going to need to lift your pickup truck if you want to drive comfortably. Sure. But, yeah, you can have a chain wallet on a cargo short. You know what they call that? A sublime concert. Right. I just thought maybe for a second, and it's been a while since I've worn a pair of cargo

shorts. I was struggling to remember if cargo shorts even had belt loops. Like if you are putting on a pair of cargo shorts- You just glue them on at the waist. Yeah. You just glue them on at the waist. Yeah, you just, the fucks you have are so few that you're fine with the pants falling down. We're fine seeing your Taz, the Tasmanian double boxer shorts at all times.

I think most boxer shorts now do have elasticated panels at the hips. Sure. Just so you don't have to worry about wearing a belt. It's optional because of those elasticated panels at the hips. Sure. Just so you don't have to worry about wearing a belt. It's optional because of those elasticated panels. And what's nice is if you participate in athletics, they move with you. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

I don't know anything you guys are talking about with your milk garments. I think the Tasmanian Devil is due for a comeback. Is he from Hobart? Oh, I don't know what Hobart is. Is he originally from Hobart? I think he'smanian devil is due for a comeback. Is he from Hobart? Oh, I don't know what Hobart is. Is he originally from Hobart? I think he's from Tasmania. I believe that's the capital of Tasmania. Yeah.

Is it? He's a Hobart. I just wanted to know. Yes, he's the mayor of Tasmania. Is he a city devil or is he a country devil? Ophir, I'm so sick of your fucking NPR humor. We get it. You know what the capital of Tasmania is.

You know what? I actually just drove by that street today in LA, and I was like, Hobart. What is Hobart? I think it's Hobarth. Is it Hobarth? Maybe. I didn't. Man, I wish we had a producer to look this up.

We know these jokes kill at the bell house. Where everybody's drinking their- Where they make the bells. Craft brews yeah unlike and enjoying the rock and roll humor of dave hill that's right but here in god's united states here in the heartland of los angeles don't screw around with your southern hemisphere capital thank you okay got it we're just here to talk about jacking off. I just want to hear more about boxers. Yes. One thing that's upsetting to me.

Just the one. Speaking of the Tasmanian devil returning, as you know, I spend a lot of time in vintage clothing shows doing stuff for my menswear blog, Put This On. And the world of streetwear is engaged in a 90s revival at the moment. Okay. Which substantially- Oh, that's right, because Cross Colors is back and Janko. So Cross Colors, if you have a pair of Cross Colors jean shorts, and I'm not here to brag, but at one point in my life, I did have a pair of Cross Colors jean shorts. I remember asking my mom, I think we were maybe at a Marshall's, to buy a cross-colored

shirt. And? And she did not let me. And I remember her trying to explain why I couldn't have a cross-colored shirt. And as a child, it confused me. But now what I see she was trying to say is that's for blacks. Right. I didn't know.

I just liked the idea of unity. You just wanted it. Yeah. You thought for us, buy us. Yes. I'm an us. Yeah. I should buy something that we made.

Yeah. Us. People. People. And I don't see race. So that's like just kind of a thing. That sounds something about me. To be fair, I feel like that was the rhetorical theme of cross colors was not seeing race.

Wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. May I ask you a question about the 90s revival of trend? You may. Can I just say how much cross color shorts cost? $200. What? Now?

Yeah. Like a new pair or just a pair from back in the day? Just a pair from back in the day costs $200. That's, yeah. Yeah. I know. Everyone just like find yours, I guess. Some people have to have them somewhere in a trunk.

Yeah. No one kept that. They've got to be. I don't think. You know, I think you are right. I think if they are anywhere, they are in a trunk. They're in a trunk. Yeah.

On the body. Yeah. Still on the body. If they are anywhere, they are in a trunk. They're in a trunk. Yeah. On the body. Yeah.

Still on the body. I feel like it's not being re-realized in a different form. It's exactly what it was in the 90s. Right. You know, I like it when the 80s is re-realized, but it's like the 2010 take on the 80s, for example. But I feel like the 90s has come back exactly as the 90s. Is it because it's not far away enough? That's an interesting question. That's interesting.

I am mainly disappointed that I'm not seeing more people wearing a different world style flip sunglasses. You know, and I think part of what it is, that's an interesting question, is because I think that now that you can get everything. Right. You can just get the old shit just get what it was you didn't have to read you don't have to reimagine it because you can just go on ebay and buy the genuine article yes I do not think ironic t-shirts will come back oh yeah like wearing a gas station t-shirt that says ed or frank on it or right something like childish or cartoonish like I feel like that's just we we took that on and it's just been watered down.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know. Hello Kitty. Maybe Hello Kitty. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, you know, if you go to like a Target, you know, the adult Spider-Man t-shirt is the main thing that they sell these days. Yeah. The faux aged.

Yes. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. The faux agent. Yes. Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

I know. Right, when you see like a 14-year-old walking around with like a Journey concert T-shirt and you're like, all right. Yeah, you know, that is – it's so interesting. I was – when I was vacationing in New Orleans, I – I'm sorry, where? Oh, sorry, New Zatarain's. Got it. I came across some cool teens and wanted to observe them, but also didn't want them to talk to me. Right.

Behind a plant you go. So when we, Ophir, I don't know how old you are. I would guess 18, 19. It's close, a couple years. 23. 23. I would guess, so when we were kids, who wore a Led Zeppelin t-shirt? No.

Nobody. Can you describe the person who wore the Led Zeppelin t-shirt? You're right. Mostly nobody. I would not describe that person as friendful. No. No. It is a guy with long hair and jean shorts, not cross-colored jean shorts.

No. He may have acquired them at Marshall a... He may have acquired them in Marshalls. He may have acquired them in Marshalls. They had a loop for a hammer. Yep. This man does not have a hammer.

Nope. And it's like the guy who... The guy with hair in his face who would, like, sit behind the school at lunch and practice guitar. Yeah. I mean, in my town,

he would just always be washing his truck. Oh, sure. Okay. Always. Just, yeah. Constantly polishing it. Never shiny enough. These cool teens were wearing Led Zeppelin, Journey.

I don't know. That confused me. But what's weird about it is that it gets to a certain point where you see a group of teens and one of them's wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt and one of them's wearing a Journey shirt. And with all due respect to Journey, I don't think that Journey has ever been cool at all. No, no, no. Yeah.

Even at the peak of Journey, I don't think they quite were... Concert t-shirts. But I think, yeah. Even when they were the biggest selling act in the world, I think people

at Journey concerts were looking around like, I hope nobody recognizes me. Right. It's not even like the girls would wear the t-shirts or anything. No. Everyone was just like, just look at it like we'll buy the records and make out later yeah and yeah and i think that has all been lumped

and because right because the led zeppelin t-shirt guy from our youth probably hates journey more than anything yeah it's probably his mortal enemy band i think all led zeppelin shirt wearers who are committed to led zeppelin would not be like the Journey shirt wearer. Yeah. They're natural enemies. Sure. I think so, too. But, I mean, I think for your modern, your cool teen who's grabbing these at the Hot Topic or the H&M.

Or the Target. You know what? Or the fucking Target. I think it is all just lumped into, like, I'm into classic rock or I. You know what I blame? Yeah. I blame Journey for collapsing irony. Yeah.

Right. Exactly. The high quality of Journey's guitar pop was – initially was rejected for not being cool. Mm-hmm. Then later was adopted ironically, but it was too difficult to appreciate ironically because of its high quality, because of course everyone loves Don't Stop Believing. It's like a perfect pop

song. Sure. Yep. And so that irony sort of, it all formed into a perfect diamond. And when that happened, you no longer had a leg to stand on if you were trying to like something cool. Sure, Led Zeppelin was engaging in sex acts involving fish.

Sure. But, Daniel, you didn't know about that? Daniel made a very... That's the main thing about Led Zeppelin. I don't remember the fish sex acts. Yeah, they penetrated someone with a fish. That's a famous... Was it a real fish, though? Yeah. Of course.

Does it make a difference to you? It wasn't like a plush fish. Ophir's a vegan and just wanted to make sure that if someone was being penetrated... Yeah, I just wanted to check how real the fish was. That was really the most important thing to me. And then it all just becomes one group.

We need to know what's wrong with kids today is it's too hard to tell who the enemy is. Yes. That's why, you know who they think the enemy is? Who? They think the enemy is the past. I'm telling you, they think the enemy is the past. So they're wearing

the t-shirts to mock the past? They like the past on their level. Not on your level. I'm more afraid of – I think I was afraid of the past, though, as a child. I've had two very vivid old man feelings lately. One was when I realized that I was listening to, by choice, both Steely Dan and Paul Simon's Graceland. In fact, I wrote an entire essay on Graceland for Bullseye this week about how I was reenacting an ancient dad ritual by listening to Graceland driving my daughter to school.

The other is I read an article in the San Francisco Chronicle. I'm not a big newspaper reader. I'm not here to not. But you do go to other newspapers outside of. Well, I read the San Francisco Chronicle sports section because I'm a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the San Francisco Giants and the Golden State Warriors. Yes. And so, uh, that's, you know, there's not a lot of coverage of that in the Los Angeles Times. I imagine. And when you're there a lot of coverage of that in the Los Angeles Times. I imagine.

And when you're there, you notice the top articles list. In the top article, the big news in the San Francisco Bay Area is BART, the subway in the San Francisco Bay Area. A train was invaded by 40 to 60 teens who beat the people up on board and stole their stuff. What? Oh, boy. Then got off and ran away into the neighborhood. Teens organized probably through their apps. I think it's what it's called.

Yeah, they probably got an app. It's probably a flash mob. Yeah. If it's not a flash mob, it's definitely a mashup. Did they all break it to a song from Les Mis? Right. That's how you can tell if it's a flash mob. Got it.

Or at least, yeah, their version of La La Land. San Francisco Land. Sure. When I read about that, a young person's reaction to that is to think, holy shit, how do they coordinate that? Like, how do I get in on this giant robbery? Probably a slack chain. That sounds fun. Probably a slack.

Whatever, right? Slack. Not just a general. It's fun because you can put emojis in there. That sounds fun. Probably a slack. Whatever, right? Slack. Not just a general- It's fun because you can put emojis in there. Sure, yeah. Right, exactly. A general sense of threat from all people under the age of 21, which is what I immediately felt.

Right. That's what I thought. They're coming to get me. That's what I thought. Teens are coming to get me. They're coming to get me. Teens are making their move. That specifically is what I was thinking.

I've suspected teens are preparing to making their move. That specifically is what I was thinking. I've suspected teens are preparing to make their move. This is teens making their move. And why didn't we make our move? Because it was difficult to be organized. Yeah, we didn't have the app. We had to look in the back of zines and see when the flash mob was to beat up everybody on public transit. And you had to get that one zine that was the list of all the other zines. You had to write away. You had to get a mail.

Postal money order. There was no Venmo. These teens on the part, I bet they're Venmoing each other like crazy. I stole a phone. Here's $10 from my Venmo because I'm going to sell the phone. Now let's do Molly and

we're polyamorous probably. Let's wait for the drop. I do find the whole gender ambiguity thing kind of interesting in a sense because I think I was – I liked both men and women and whatever and I didn't care. But I didn't have a term and I felt alone on it and then just like life went its own route. But I think there is a difference between being gender ambiguous and not liking anyone which is possibly gender misanthropy yeah just not wanting to pick anyone because you don't like anyone let me call a lead zeppelin fan i'm sorry i interrupted you no No, no, that's okay.

My, oh, I had an old man moment this week, too. I, my walk to work, I usually go down, I usually go down Melrose, nice place to get a nice coffee, and one of the- That goes straight over to the Grove, doesn't it? Yeah, right to the Grove. Got it. Get a nice coffee, and it is one of the only streets where you still see band posters. You can look at a nice band poster. I love band posters.

Love a band poster. There's a little place called Headline Records. I like to stop at that window, check out those band posters, see who's coming to town. I was walking there today, saw a band poster, this nice design, looked like it was some woods or something. Yeah. Checking out this band poster. I'm like, shit, I don't know any of these fucking bands. I don't know.

And listen, I'm used to not knowing the bottom Coachella bands. That's fine. That's fine. That's your chosen lifestyle. You've chosen to pursue other things. You's fine. That's fine. That's your chosen lifestyle. But I didn't. You've chosen to pursue other things. You watch Archer. For instance.

Sure. There's. You know who Lucky Yates is? Voice of Krieger on Archer. Yeah. If he was headlining Coachella, I don't know if he has a music project. He'd be there. I'd check it out.

Yeah. Not only did I not recognize the small bands, I worked my way up, and the top band, I didn't know what it was. The real worry comes in here. I just figured out what the Chainsmokers is, and I didn't like it. I thought it was bad. That's okay. That's okay.

I think that is correct. Thank you. My biggest issue is when I'm driving my car on the freeway, which is a type of large road that we have here in Los Angeles. With more than one lane. Yeah. And a car is like a personal subway. Okay. And they're free to go anywhere.

Exactly. Okay. And I'm driving, and I'll drive past the Staples Center, the arena. And there's a huge LED screen that advertises who's playing at the arena. And it'll say Hall & Oates on there, right? And I'm thinking, huh, maybe I'd like to go see Hall & Oates. I really like Hall & Oates.

Maybe that'd be interesting. There's another thing, and it's also playing the 20,000-seat Staples Center. I don't know what that thing is at all. Sure. I'm unfamiliar with this thing that 20,000 people have chosen to pay $150 each to see. Jew board? It's J-U hyphen B-O-R?

What is it? Is it a DJ? I would like to justify this, though, for a second. Is it from Korea? All I want is for it to be a famous Armenian thing. Sure. What is it? DJ? I would like to justify this, though, for a second. Is it from Korea? All I want is for it to be a famous Armenian thing. Sure. But I am free of responsibility. The reason I haven't heard about this is cultural, not that death is coming.

I'm close to death. Yeah. Sorry. But is that thing – right. I don't think it's the same thing. I just don't think that – you're saying it's an old man moment. I had an old lady moment, which I will share in a thing. Right. I don't think it's the same thing. I just don't think that you're saying it's an old man moment. I had an old lady moment, which I will share in a moment. But it's the fact that you don't perhaps know that YouTube star.

Jew bore. Or whatever that is, is not so much because you're out of touch, is because it is actually not for you. But the way entertainment is so niche now, they know that they will bring, they know how to target those people. If I knew about YouTube star Butterfly Baby, I would love her. I would love her if I knew about her. The problem is I'm too old to know about her. Okay. Maybe.

Maybe. And I think you're right. I want to know what's in that makeup hole. It's true. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a song parody this is how old i am i was trying to think of it my one up to that was like i want to see their song parody of blank and i'm like shit what's that butt song what's the song about big butts big butts yeah mix a lot no no that's a current butt song although it's probably not Older butt song. What's the newest?

What's one of the most recent butt songs? All About That Bass? Yes. That's the one I couldn't remember. And that's like a two-year-old butt song. That's about two or three years old now. Yeah. That's the most current butt song that I know.

Yeah. There might be one more. I got into an Uber in New York. Yes. And the woman was playing like a top mainstream radio station. Sure. That was hip hop. And she said, would you like to listen to any particular kind of music?

And I went, no, this is fine. And then she decided to take it upon herself to change it. And what did she put on? Sting. Like an album? Like a Sting album? Like the one with Fields of Gold.

Wow. Because I knew that song and I just thought, is she looking at me and going, I know what she's going to like. She doesn't want to admit it to me right now, but I'm going to get up. She wants that Sting.

I had. Do I look adult contemporary already? Let me at that stank. I think I got you beat. Give me a loop, baby. I got you. All right. Give me some ancient music, some medieval music.

Bring in the strings, please. I got picked up in a lift by a cool young person. Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. Get in the lift. Was it yeah. Now we're talking. Get in the Lyft. Was it Justin Bieber? It was not. But he had abs for days.

He was shirtless. These handsome Lyft drivers, they'll pick you up shirtless. Because you can tip in the app. Right. If you can see the goods. Right. Lyft chest. I love that.

No choice. Lyft chest. Yeah. Hot club music coming out of this car. Sure. Banging. Sounds banging. Banging. Sounds banging.

Banging. Beats. Bass. Treble? Not so much. It's treble. Yeah. Treble is mixed.

Sure, right. We're driving. We get about a half a block. He's driving. Takes a little look back. Hits a button on the presets. Fucking NPR. Ah, yeah. Mother fucking.PR Motherfucking And I loved it

I was glad to hear the news You know I grew up I'm the youngest of six And my parents are much older And when my father was alive as a child We used to do this thing Because we'd be like what do you want to watch on TV And we'd go through all the brothers and sisters

Like Abigail wants to watch soap operas Amir wants to watch car racing O do you want to watch on TV? And we'd go through all the brothers and sisters like, Abigail wants to watch soap operas. Amir wants to watch car racing. Ophira wants to watch cartoons. And Dad says, let's watch the news. And we'd always do that. Dad says, let's watch the news. I love news. That's what is being old.

Old is no fun. You just want the news. That's the end of that story. It's true. I love news and then I want to eat a vegetable and clean my room. I love it. I'm old.

I like bran and news. I like to be regular. I want my bowels to be regular. Anyway. Anyways. I don't like the news. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, it's seen better days. There's been times in my life when the news, yes. Yeah. I find no comfort in it. There is no comfort. Although, maybe that's the future, that you can just tune into the news that you like. It's a whole thing that you go to to find out what's wrong that you can't do anything about and i can't deal with that very effectively i oh sorry go ahead yeah i i mean i totally

understand this although i battle it every day because i think i should know these things i a point came to me and i shouldn't say this as an employee or a business partner of National Public Radio. Maybe here's how we'll get around this. Jesse, I know what you're going to say, and I do a great impression of you. Okay. So why don't I say it now? Jordan's about to start talking. Wow.

Now. Oh, anyway, this is Jordan speaking. Perfect impression of Jesse. At some point, I thought to myself, should I feel like I need to know about the news? Do I gain anything from this? Like, I think there's NPR around me enough, and I glance at the front page of the New York times enough that I'm vaguely familiar. I'm not going to make any catastrophic mistakes on account of unfamiliarity

with my elected leaders or whatever. Maybe I should just watch Archer. Right. I have excellent. Yeah. I have, I'm experiencing it. Thank you, Jordan, by the way, that was excellent. Yeah. I'm experiencing it. Thank you, Jordan, by the way.

That was amazing. It was like listening to myself being reflected back to myself. People call me the Frank Gorshin of podcasting for a reason. So I have been getting gradually, like in this recent part of my life, gradually more and more into the local news. Me too. Oh, really? Yes. And there is not enough of it.

No, more. It needs to be on constantly. No, there honestly is not enough of it. You think there's not enough of it? There's a huge problem. I'm surprised as to how much of it there is. You want more? I want more.

Okay. You're a glutton. You should know that our local news is mostly about Usher. Yeah. Okay. Where he was seen. That's right. Of course.

And I'm like, well, I think that part of this is just symptomatic of having worked on a topical TV show for a couple of years, and it is really useful for that. I mean, if you can put on that while you're getting ready, you will absorb five different things that you can bring to that morning meeting where everybody says what the show should be about. So are you watching on television the kind of show that Bob Saget worked on on Full House? Yeah. No. Like a local morning news talk show? Sometimes I'll watch Good Day L.A., but it's a little too insufferable.

Good Day L.A. is a show we have here in Los Angeles for your benefit, Ophira. That's an elderly man surrounded by sexy young women. Yes. And they don't seem to like it much. Yeah, they talk about Usher most. Yeah. So, no, I'll watch a more traditional local news. I mean, you know, ideally CBS This Morning is on, which is my favorite TV show. What do you got on there? Gayle?

You got Gayle. You got Gayle King. Charlie Rose? I previously referred to her as Oprah's friend Gayle, and I think that's demeaning. She's Gayle King. She's a great journalist and a great TV host. Right. And I apologize for every time I refer to her as Oprah's friend Gail.

Charlie Rose. Charlie Rose. And then a third woman. She's getting there. Kathy Lee. Kathy Lee. Soon she'll know Oprah. But sometimes, you know, I'm up a little earlier than CBS this morning

or I'm, you know, a little bit late. Sometimes I miss it. It's not a long show. It's not like the Today Show, which is on for nine hours. It's on for a tasteful two. Right. Yeah, we have something called New York One. Although, New York One, and it is a very casual lo-fi approach to news.

You were joking that there is a guy that reads the papers every morning. There's a guy that reads the papers every morning. He literally holds up the papers to the camera and reads them. But they just fired a whole bunch of their classic people. Oh, no. To bring in new younger people. YouTubers. Yeah.

YouTubers. We're going to be doing a lot more unboxings. Probably Jew-bore. New York won. Yeah. But I want more local news because I want more current event. I want more in-the-moment local news. Right.

That's what I want. So I was considering this to myself. Like, why am I doing this? Why am I watching so much of this relative to how much I watched it at other points in my life? And I'm like, oh, yeah, there's a functional aspect to this. This is, like, helpful to me in my life. And I'm like, oh, yeah, there's a functional aspect to this. This is like helpful to me in my day. But also I'm like, oh, I guess if now in our current climate, maybe if once the shit gets too upsetting, I just know there's going to be a story about goats who had to clear a hill. There's just going to be some just going to.

I know that after this explanation of. You know, what's going down in Syria, North Korea, what the blast radius is. There's just going to be a story about how a hill was in danger of catching fire. So they brought in a team of goats to eat it all up or some shit about the super bloom, which is some beautiful orchids that bloomed when there was a lot of rain. Yep. Fuck, I loved stories about the super bloom when it came. More. By the way, the goats have what's called a munch radius.

Oh, right. Yeah. Really? I hope so. I love that. For sure. Why not? Although I am obsessed with the super bloom.

I have not seen it with my own eyes, but I love the idea of the super bloom until someone said to me, they're like, well, you know how flowers work. They really bloom before everything dies. Oh, boy. I was like, thanks. Thanks for that. Wait a minute. Bub me out.

About the super bloom. Ease off the throttle a little bit there, Charlie Rose. Not everything has to be a metaphor for all of our fallibilities. Yep. No, but I like that too, where it's a hard-hitting news thing. Everything has to be a metaphor for all of our fallibilities. Yeah. No, but I like that too. Our collective fallibilities. Where it's a hard-hitting news thing and then they're like, and now live from the Swan Festival, you're like, yay! Yeah.

I saw one. I saw one. This could not have been more perfect. It was a collection of depressing news stories and then something about how the police force horse had a baby horse and there was a new police horse and they showed a baby horse. Oh, wow. That is good. That's really good.

I would like to develop in the next three to five years, I'm going to need to develop what I would call a grumpy hobby, something where I can develop long-term expertise tell other people why they're wrong and why things aren't as good as they used to be um she's becoming like a clockmaker model train layout oh yeah those those stores are closing um get a lot of for sale like i already i mean one option that's open to me is I already have a lot of records. You know, I'm at the flea market most weekends. But LPs are not going to cut it.

I would have to upgrade to 78s. Smart. Yeah. Something printed on shellac. Right. Yeah. That I can complain about. Something recorded in a field. Right. Yeah, that I can complain about. Something recorded in a field.

Yep. That's going to be a more fruitful long-term endeavor. Possibly rebuilding a Camaro. That's a good option. Sure. Oh, yeah. I mean, just what about something nautical? You could become a boatman.

Well, those people are really angry. Boatman? Yeah. Seaman? Seaman. Sorry. Yeah. That's true.

What's preventing you from becoming a boatman? First mates? Well, I'd have to buy a boat. Sure. They're expensive. I think they cost about $100,000. Well, you got it. You got it.

Boats always have – that's why they're so angry. All the cliches with the boats. They're like jokes. Either you buy a boat. Well, you know what owning a boat is like? It's like throwing a million dollars in the ocean. They're all those ones. That is a weird genre of boat.

Is the boat owner's joke about what a bad investment the boat was. You're right. Bar owners do that. Yeah, but on the other hand, you had enough money to buy a boat. Yeah, so you're probably doing okay. That's probably your fourth major category of transportation. You really had to get a motorcycle first and a snowmobile before you can qualify for a boat. Right.

They want to make sure you can pay for the snowmobile. Why don't you buy a bar? I don't drink. That's perfect. Oh, my God. That's perfect. If you ask a bar and hospitality expert, John Taffer, that's a great kind of bar owner because one of the worst kinds of bar owners is somebody who's getting drunk behind the bar.

Drug dealers should not do drugs. Absolutely. Don't get high off your own supply. Exactly. I think is the old cliche. But that's not what don't get high off your own supply means. That means get high off a different supply. I don't think you're splitting hairs. The point of don't get high off your own supply isn't that you shouldn't get high.

Scarface encourages getting high. He's high as a kite. They encourage – Scarface encourages getting high. He's high as a kite. I think you understand the point here, though, is that, like, just because – I think, you know, an alcoholic bar owner is the worst kind of bar owner. Absolutely. You're more responsible. You see it not as – What if it's a nautical-themed bar?

You just see it as product. This is good. Even better. Porthole windows. Even better. And I could practice knots. Sure. You guys know how much I love knot tying. I only know the one.

What's that? The simple knot? Yeah, the simple knot, right? What about the one where the bunny rabbit goes around and then he goes back in his hole? Oh, like the pretzel? It's like a little pretzel-y thing? Yeah, he goes back in his hole. Kind of like a garlic knot. Yeah, that's a nice knot.

I mean, you know, it's another tarp. You know. What about that nautical bar? My favorite knot? You want me to tell you my favorite knot? Yeah. Afraid not. I've been zinged. That's right. I think. Have I been zinged? Not clear.

Not clear. Didn't quite make sense. You said it like a zing, so I'll take it as such. Yeah. I think that's it., so I'll take it as such. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it. I think open a nautical bar. You can... And that way, the people that you want to make feel bad about their lack of knowledge

and whatever your grumpy hobby, they are just walking in. But what am I making them feel bad about? That bars have gone downhill? You can incorporate... You can have a jukebox there where you can complain about music. That's right. You can always have a new thing in there that you complain about. You can pepper it with things you want to complain about. And you'll always have an audience, the people that are there drinking.

Can I wear coveralls? I should hope so. I think it's mandatory. And fishing boots. Like for fly fishing. Hip waders? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hip waders, that's good. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I like this

hip waders idea. Couldn't I just take up fly fishing? I mean, that will work too. That's a perfect grumpy old guy thing to do. I think you should be working in the bar and always casting, but just into nowhere. It's very dangerous. Casting into... Very dangerous.

Yeah, sometimes you'll hit somebody in the eye with a hook. That's how they know they have to leave. Yeah, right. When you get hit with the... When you get actually fishing lines. All right, close it. You have to go home, but you can't stay here. Watch out for my lure.

I'm straightened out. Yeah, we're all straightened out. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions.

They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire. One of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bee, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. My name's Ophira Eisenberg. I'm a guest.

We got something up on the Jumbotron this week, Jordan. This is from, excuse me, this is to Andrew Milko from Ishmael. I'm tired of you chasing me in that boat. That's the biblical pronunciation. Ishmael. Oh, hi, friend. I'm glad you finally made it out to Colorado to work with us. To express this gladness, I've now paid $100 to have your name come out of Jordan or Jesse's mouth.

How did it feel? Did you enjoy that? I hope so. I'm not sure this text input box will limit my characters automatically, so I'm just going to stop typing now. Congratulations to... I think we all enjoyed that. To Andrew from Ishmael. Famous literary boat captain.

And biblical martyr. You got it. A lot of good stuff. Two great things. Two great tastes that taste great together. Great taste, less filling. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. As that Jumbotron helpfully pointed out, it's only $100 for a birthday wish or an anniversary gift.

I bargained it twice the price. Yeah. Why not get it for your significant other, for your anniversary? It's better than jewels or chocolate-covered strawberries. What could be more romantic than the dulcet tones of Jesse and Jordan intoning a reminder of your love? Not only that, but, you know, people right now are into gifts. They're into experiences. That's true. If you're a millennial, you know that things are garbage and experiences rule.

Yeah. You love travel, hanging with friends, hikes, and road trips. So while you're listening to a podcast, if you have something that you love. Excuse me, I left one out. What? You love travel, hikes, road trips, and hearing your name said on podcasts. That is right. The four experiences of a fully realized life.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Hashtag van life. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Hal Loveland. I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion.

Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, yeah. Dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast. Dice and Bites. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, I'm Ophira Eisenberg, stand-up comedian and guest. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, the final episode. The swan song for one of the least beloved podcasts in American history. But next week is the return of a similarly hated podcast. Jordan, Jessica. I shouldn't say hated.

I should say ignored. Yeah. But it's being relaunched. We're substantially liked by those who have not ignored us. Right. If you haven't ignored us, you probably tolerate us. You loyal few. You band of brothers and sisters.

You people who were into You Look Nice Today 10 years ago and figured that this was second best. But yeah, I think we've had a good run with this show. But I'm excited to get back to the old stomping grounds. I know. It'll feel like an old boot. It's going to be really exciting. I already dusted off that original formula, put together the 12 herbs and spices. Right.

This is going to be a flavorful experience next week when we get back to doing Jordan Jesse Go. But for now, let's focus on doing Jordan Jesse Go and making Jordan Jesse Go as good as it can be. Granted, not that good, but, you know, it's a one-off. Have we decided what the fictional in-universe explanation for the change is going to be?

I have to check in with Eric Larson, creator of The Savage Dragon. He's sort of my idea guy on this kind of stuff. Once in a while I'll run something by Todd McFarlane, but he always just wants to try and sell me one of his Barry Bonds home run balls.

So, you know, I think ultimately it's going to be a time phase shift or- Yeah, I like that. Makes sense. Electromagnetic pulse. Yeah. How about an electromagnetic pulse event? I like that. Yeah. Thatromagnetic pulse. Yeah. How about an electromagnetic pulse event? I like that. Yeah.

That works for me. Great. Seems like something that would happen in spring. That's a really good point. It's a nice time for pulses. I think so. It's a nice time for pulses. It's a beautiful time for pulses and mega blooms.

And young love. See? Oh, God, yeah. And goats. And is there a greater pulse? Herds of goats on the hillsides. Is there a greater pulse than the one in my pants? I love a dub, love a dub, love a dub. God, I can't tell you how much I love this hillside goat story that I saw.

That thing of having goats trim your hillside, it's been going on, what, five, seven years now? At no point have I gotten the slightest bit tired of thinking about it. It's great. The idea that you can hire a goat herd is so thrilling to me. Ophir, do you know about this? Is this something that's crossed your- Not only do I know about this, but they do it in Brooklyn. They do it in New York.

Uh-huh. And I met someone who trains the goats. Oh, boy. They don't have to be trained. They just have to be trained not to leave. Okay. Not to just freak out and charge. Not to go break into the vintage can store.

That's right. That's right, because that's what they love doing. And wreak havoc. With their little hooves. It's hard to keep them out of some of those storefronts given how much they love mixology. But yeah,

so you can get it. That's the next level. You could work with the goats. Think about it. I'm going to say, fuck it to entertainment and just be a hill goat trainer. I can tell a goat not to leave.

Jordan, if this writer's strike happens, that's a good plan B. Urban shepherd. Yeah. Oh, my God. Urban shepherd. I just created the next job. Jesus, you really did. Oh, yeah?

Okay. Well, I think that's it. I think I'm going to take what savings I have. And, yeah, maybe just say fuck it to entertainment and buy those first couple of goats. Yep. And get out there to a town that has hills that are fire hazards. And you need that stick. Yeah, I got to have a crook.

The staff. The staff, yeah. My urban crook. You can get a little, you can get Wi-Fi on there. Well, I mean, yeah. Listen, I'm going to be an urban shepherd, but I'm not going to be a caveman, okay? I'm going to need Wi-Fi. But yeah, and I think a big part of-

For apps. For apps. And I think part of my urban shepherdry will be having a social media presence. It's important. So I'm going to be gramming the goats. I'm going to be snapping the goats. Yes, you are. Hashtag goat van life.

Yes. I'm going to put my goats into a van. You know what? Goats coming out of a van, I could watch that all day. Hipsters will love them because they already got little beards. Come on. That's right. Jordan, if I were you, you're in a position of power to negotiate this thing right now.

You've already negotiated for apps. Go ahead and negotiate for apps. Appetizers. Because goats are going to need something to eat. Yeah, they're going to need mozzarella sticks. Or, you know, deep fried mushrooms or, you know, there's a variety of choices. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what I would normally deep fry mushrooms for myself.

But if the goats want them. Yeah, absolutely. want them. Yeah, absolutely. When something momentous happens to you, like you successfully negotiate for a sampler plate of apps each day that you are doing your work as an urban goat herd, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions, as this person has. Run that tape. Hi, it's George,ions, as this person has. Run that tape. Hi, it's George, Jeffrey, Jordan, and Gus.

I'm calling in with a moment of shame. I was taking out the garbage a few weeks ago, and it was kind of late at night. I forgot to lock the door behind me. In the morning, I came downstairs to find a random stranger drunk in my living room. He came in. He helped himself to a beer from the fridge, and on his way to the couch, he noticed the bottle of gin and helped himself to that instead.

Drank about three quarters of it. Luckily, that's about the only thing he took, though, so I can count my blessings. Anyway, bye. This is what I call an example of pithiness gone wrong. So you want more info. Well, the important part isn't which ones of his drinks he drank. It's what happened when he found a guy in his living room.

It seems like he just waited it out. But also, I don't understand. Where is this guy living that there's just someone at all times being like, that door's open? Like, you know, that's pretty quick. He leaves the door open for one second. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is a story you hear about. I mean, I, you know, as someone who watches the local news in L.A., I heard the story about the woman who broke into Drake's house and stole his sodas.

But let's be honest. That person's waiting at Drake's house and stole his sodas. But let's be honest. That person's waiting at Drake's house every day. But it seems like this is something- Because usually he only has diet sodas. Can you believe it? They're waiting for him to get regulars, and then you can break in and do the do. They want to treat themselves a little bit. And they don't like the aftertaste.

Yeah. Maybe cancer. It seems like something, this is something that happens is like drunk guy or fucked up person goes into a house and just hangs out there. Yeah. I, that has never crossed my mind when I've been fucked up. Maybe I'll just go into a house. I'm just looking for my own sofa in a different place. Do you think that you could be drunk enough to confuse another house for your house? It's possible.

I mean, I think certainly when you live in like an apartment complex or something, that could happen. My older sister once confused a sofa cushion for a toilet seat lid and picked up the cushion of the sofa, puked, and then put it back down. At least she's polite enough to put it down. Or maybe she just wanted to do that and it was all justification. Also, if this happened to me, not my moment of shame, I would be like, do you want to hear the most terrifying fucking thing that has ever happened to me? I came downstairs and a drunk guy was passed out on my couch. of me. I came downstairs and a drunk guy was passed out on my couch.

Yeah, I think I would try and slip past him and then run outside and call the police is what I would try and do. I don't want to be trapped upstairs. This guy seemed pretty chill about it. Yeah, very relaxed. Almost like, did he know the person? Also, he has beer and

gin just hanging around. What kind of alcoholic is he? Yeah, I know. What kind of Rockefeller, more specifically? Who has beer and gin just hanging around. What kind of alcoholic is he? Yeah, I know. What kind of Rockefeller, more specifically? Who has beer and hard A? Jesus Christ. Notice the gin on the coffee table, so the gin was out. The gin was out.

I was very good at clue. This guy is a suspect character, too. I don't know if he's an unreliable narrator. A man who owns gin? I don't want to listen to a man who owns gin. Did I ever mention to you this time when I was like eight or nine years old, and I slept through this whole thing, but my mom was – my mom – so our apartment or flat in San Francisco was half of a duplex. So it was a whole floor. It qualifies as a flat.

I'm not just being affectedly British. Our flat in San Francisco had a dining room. But I had a bedroom and then we had a bedroom that we would, like, rent out to ESL students in the back. So my mom's bedroom was actually the dining room. So it was in the front of the house in other words and one day she woke up and uh there was a man with a knife in her bedroom uh going through her shit uh uh presumably looking for jewelry or something and my mom at this point was probably what 45 or 50 somewhere in there um screamed ran him out of the house chased him down the street and around the block.

And lost him somewhere around the block. Yeah. Well, I mean, she wasn't wearing shoes, for one thing. She was just wearing a nightgown. I'm going to get your chasing shoes on. And that guy is still shaken by that memory. Yeah. It was very traumatic for him.

That's amazing. I grew up in a grocery store because my parents owned grocery stores, just like convenience size or deli size, whatever you want to call it. And I was a young kid, but we all worked at that store. People would rob it all the time, right? Mostly for cigarettes and cash. A guy came in. My older brother was working with scissors. That was his weapon.

Scissors. And we had some dog repellent that we were selling. Just basically paprika spray, I think. And he just wanted the money and the cash. And so my brother grabbed the paprika spray, sprayed the guy. The guy was like, ah. Grabbed like, I don't know, 40 bucks. Started a takeoff takeoff store was in

a strip mall my brother called out to this guy nick who ran the pizza shop nick came out with a knife and threw it at the guy oh my god hit him in the shoulder and so he was like ah and the blade hit him in the blade hit him in the shoulder like actually, he made contact. He threw a knife at him and got him. Like a pizza knife? Yeah, he was cutting. He was cutting up the vegetables for the pizza. Like a chef knife. Like a chef knife.

Wow. That pizza guy, Nick, he was maybe a monster or a criminal. I don't know. A man who has thrown a knife before. He made a good pizza though. It seems like the practical idea of throwing a knife at someone and the blade hitting them correctly seems like such a long before. He made a good pizza though. It seems like so, like the practical idea of like throwing a knife at someone and the blade hitting them correctly seems like such a long shot unless

you're trained. Yeah, somehow he did it and then the guy, I mean it was a little tiny parking lot so he didn't probably throw a fart but he made contact and then the guy got to his car and he had locked himself out. And he came back to the store, put the 40 bucks on the counter,

and sat down and cried. Oh my gosh. Holy shit. And they called the police. Wow, that is really intense. Did he leave his keys in the store? He left his keys in the car. I guess this was like, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was a... And his was 40 Canadian dollars, yeah. I mean, he was a amateur. And his was $40 Canadian dollars. So that's like $35 American dollars. At the time, he dealt with it as $40 Canadian. I mean, I think there's, I mean, obviously, I think we Americans have this stereotype of Canadians as being soft and polite. But it sounds like it's pretty fucked up up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know.

And it was written up in the Calgary Herald with Oh, boy. With the title Robbery of Errors. Oh, someone was so happy to do that. That's nice. That's a cute headline. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I think I would be a little bit. It's a special kind of terror when I think that someone has scissors because it does mean that they are desperate. Desperate.

It seems like I'm improvising a weapon, so I am more likely to lash out. Yeah, the fact that His injury was with something that was a better weapon than what he had. Next time, go to the pizza shop, steal the knife. Do you think you could have stole the knife with the scissors? Can you steal a knife with scissors?

You use the scissors to steal the knife. You use the knife to rob the store. You use the knife to rob the store. You take your keys and in your pocket so you don't get caught. Hey. I love that nursery rhyme. My mom sang it to me before bed and it's never made sense until now. She would enter this trance.

It was a strange upbringing. It makes sense now. He didn't want the $40 in the first place. It's just hard for farmers to find wives. Especially down there in the Dell. Are you kidding? Jesus Christ. It's a real sausage party.

Let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is James from Wellington, New Zealand. The other day, I got on the train, sat down, and realized I was sitting next to Jim Bolger, who was our prime minister for the first six years of my life. So that was pretty cool. Keep up the good work. Now that's what I like.

Hold on. Band meeting? Sorry, go ahead. Is that racist? Yeah. Okay. Against New Zealanders Yeah All New Zealanders are

Murray from Flight of the Conchords Go ahead What I like about this momentous occasion Is Number one It's not just weird sex shit Yeah I'm not saying don't call in your weird sex shit

Obviously you should call in your weird sex shit. I'm not saying don't call in your weird sex shit. Obviously you should call in your weird sex shit. It's just that I don't want people to get discouraged and not call in non-weird sex shit. Or things that don't have anything to do with sex at all. I don't think you ever

have to worry about encouraging or not encouraging people with their weird sex shit. They will still call. I want the not... You can say no weird sex shit, they will still call. I want the not- You can say, no more sex shit. You're going to get the calls. I want to encourage- It'll make them want to do it more because it's forbidden.

It's taboo. That's right. I want to encourage classic style, non-sexual, classic style, non-sexual momentous occasions is what I'm looking for. non-sexual momentous occasions is what I'm looking for. And I think sitting on the subway train next to the

Prime Minister of New Zealand is a good one. It is good. And that the Prime Minister takes the subway. I would have... Now,

having said all of that, you tell me, and his dick was out, I'm in. Like, that does... Fred does really raise the stakes. And I was on the train

to go to the doctor because I had lost a dildo in my butt. Yeah. You lose the dildo inside your butt. You go on the train to see the... Shit, prime minister doesn't fit into that rhyme scheme. I'll work on this.

It's okay. But I think that's a lot of fun. And I also appreciate that this foreigner knew that he couldn't just say the name of the prime minister and pretend that we would know who that is. I mean, you could be there. And I sat down next to George H.W. Bush, and we would say, sorry, not familiar. No. Related to football running back Reggie Bush. I don't know.

No way. Yeah. Why all the initials? Yeah, that's what I would say. What's with all the initials? It's a few too many. It's a few too many. We were all talking and talking like this.

I don't know what we were saying. I know. If I said I sat down on the subway next to Jean Chrétien, what would you say? Gesundheit. Okay. Okay. Just checking. Just checking.

Just checking. Who is that? It's an old prime minister of Canada. You know, within your lifetime. Jean Chrétien. Yeah. That's a nice name. He's claimed to fame. It did make American news because someone broke into the version of parliament.

Not his house. Yeah. He just sleeps at parliament? No. Yeah. They broke into his house. Yeah. He just sleeps at parliament? No, yeah, no, they broke into his house. But they broke in. Like, a guy broke into the house. That's how high the security is.

Yeah. And Jean Chrétien, who is a tough Quebecois-er, strangled him. Wait, strangled him? Wow. Yes. To death?

No, he lived. Are you guys ashamed that Drake just let that lady take his soda? Right. We're Canadians. We're a strangling people. Yeah. You're supposed to strangle. If Drake had ever trapped a fur, as I'm sure Jean Chrétienien had i think he would have had the strength i actually

believe he grabbed the this is the truth he grabbed the guy with one of his hands and with the other grabbed a sculpture which i think was a famous inuit piece of art oh boy hit him on the head and there was all this controversy about the sculptor oh was he being disrespectful to the work of art wow when he was bludgeoning the intruder everyone was kind of disrespectful to the work of art? That's right. Wow. When he was bludgeoning the intruder. But everyone was kind of, I mean, the reaction of Canada was like, good for you, man. Like, you know, people were pretty impressed with him. It's impressive. One time by my house, my board of supervisors member, like, tackled a guy who had broken into a car.

It was the highlight of my entire life. to a car, it was the highlight of my entire life. Just reading about my local city councilman tackling a car break-in guy. Didn't Tom Hardy jump kick a guy off a scooter recently? Yes. That happened. Yeah. Right.

I know. It's that kind of stuff that makes you actually, that's what they're supposed to be. Yeah. Right? They're supposed to be kind of superhero-y or something i guess my concern is i'm not a hundred percent confident of tom hardy's general commitment to civic life sure in the way that i am my local city councilman no i understand that if tom labonge sure if he's doing it yeah i believe that but if it's jean-claude van, well, maybe he's just doing it for the glory. Could be. Tom LaBonge, Councilman Tom LaBonge.

He's doing it because he believes in- He's trying to further an equitable system of government by the people and for the people. You think globally, you act locally. Exactly. If a guy steals your scooter, you jump kick him off it. Yeah. You think globally, act locally, jump kick Scooter Lee. See something,

kick something. We have one more call. Let's hear it. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, possible guest. I have a momentous occasion to share that certainly

wouldn't be something worth sharing. Headed not for all the good, good, max fun listeners. After surgery yesterday, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. This treatment will paralyze and disfigure me.

Top that off with the fact that I'm going to have to endure a year of radiation and chemo. Well, after returning home from what was probably the worst day of my life to date, I found two care packages in my kitchen address from fellow Max Funsters, including cards from Maximum Fun HQ, gifts from fellow Max Funsters, and a batch of homemade blondies made from Jesse's secret recipe baked by the amazing and hilarious Ms. Bowser. I want to say thank you in advance for all the podcasts

I'm going to be listening to this year. A special thank you to you. Thank you, Alexandra, Talcott, Tom, Tara, Padraic, Padraic, sorry bud, Candice, Charlie, Randy, Aubrey, Cajun Bill, Scott, Jacob, Woody, the wonderful people at Maximum Fun HQ.

I don't know what I'd do without you. Love you guys. Bye. That's our buddy Law3per. Yeah, he's a big MaxFun fan, big MaxFun booster, very active on the Reddit. One of the top internet guys, in my opinion. Had a real tough surgery, and we're all thinking about him yeah we're all thinking about we're thinking about you and i was i was so uh grateful to hear from those max fun fans who uh reached out

to him who knew him from reddit and from the there's a max fun slack uh knew him from those and uh reached out to offer him some support. And we're glad to do the same because goodness knows he's supported us plenty over the years. Yeah, for sure. Shout out to Threeps. Hope everybody who's on the Twitters and the Reddits and the Slacks and whatnot and the Facebook group are all sending old Threeps your thoughts. He's a good dude and a long time supporter of ours. We're very grateful for everything

he's done for us and we'll be thinking of him and wishing him all the best that he can hope for as he deals with what's going to be a little bit of a tough time. Yeah. And yeah, you guys are the best. It definitely is always nice to see and to hear about

when fans of the show rally to do something cool. It's not just about podcasts or comedy or whatever. It's about creating kind of a cool little support network. And definitely it makes us feel like doing this dumb thing is kind of worth it. That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you very much to everybody who helped him out. It's very, very cool to hear about.

I also enjoy hearing about weird sex stuff that fans do. Sure. Yeah. I mean, obviously we want you to support your fellow Max Funn fans. I have a pretty mainstream sex life. I've been married a long time. My wife and I, you know, we have a robust intimate life. Sure.

But nothing weird. And it's just fun to hear about what people are up to out there. You know, I have this big, as you know, because we talked about it, I wrote about sex in a memoir and people are always like, oh, now that you're married, are you going to write another follow-up book? And I'm like, no, because nobody wants to hear about Sex with My Husband.

That book, if you write it, is in health and wellness. Like, that's where that ends up going, right? Like, it's not like a fun comedic memoir. Right, right. It's not something that you write. It's a graph on the cover. Yeah, that's right.

It's this bar graph on here. If you've got a momentous occasion for us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. And the thing to do is to put that number into your telephone. [phone]FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Ophira Eisenberg. You can have a nickname. You've kind of been phoning it. This is your last shot. You've been phoning it on the nicknames for the whole show. Oh, right. I should have come up with a nickname from the very start.

You know what nickname I'm not going to use? Oph. I'm going to use my coffee name. Ophira Eisenberg. Joan. Nickname, Vera Eisenberg, Joan. I don't think we've ever had a nickname that's just another name. Yeah, I like it.

Pretty good. It's rock solid. Pretty good. That's fun. I like it a lot. And it's fun. I bet that's fun for your husband, too, because sometimes when you're at home together, you can be the coffee name. Yeah, I can be the coffee name. Yeah, I can be the coffee name.

You know, just a little. Who am I talking to now? Is this Ophira or Joan? I would like to speak with Joan if at all possible. Is there something wrong in the secretarial pool of Sterling Draper Cooper Price? Goodness, Joan, aren't you a tall latte? Ophira Eisenberg. Yes, dear. We mentioned this briefly, but you're the host of NPR's Ask Meberg. Yes, dear. We mentioned this briefly, but you're the host of NPR's Ask Me Another.

I sure am. That's available on podcast. It is available on the podcast. Now, Ophira, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Great, finally. Because I think you deserve brutal honesty. Sure. I don't.

I'm an Ophira Eisenberg fan, but that's not enough to sell me on the podcast, Ask Me Another. And sure, I like fun comic trivia games played in front of a live audience. But again, that's not enough. beloved peripheral figures in the world of Maximum Fun. Yes. One of the most beloved satellite Max Fun would-be members and one of my favorite guys in the entire world was involved in Ask Me Another

for me to really get into this show. Like Jonathan Colton? Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Jonathan Colton. Sure. All right. Wish granted.

Whoa! Holy shit! It's you and Jonathan Colton! That's right. Oh, my gosh. That's. It's you and Jonathan Coulton. That's right. Oh, my gosh. That's one of my favorite guys. He's great. I mean, I met him through, of course, the show.

But he's a good person to do a show with. He's one of my favorite guys in the world, Jonathan Coulton. I love that guy. Got that beautiful house in Brooklyn. Very jealous of his beautiful house. I know. What a gorgeous house. He's got a whole recording area. Oh, it's a beautiful house. I know. What a gorgeous house. It's got like a whole recording area.

Oh, it's a beautiful house. Sounds like a whole thing. He did well. Cool wife who pushes him around. That's great. I like that. She's so cool. Who doesn't have a cool wife?

I want a cool wife that pushes me around. I know. I will say, I don't know how long you can get to this because I'm not sure about the rules regarding these things. Sure. But Ophira was very funny on At Midnight. That's very sweet. Last week, I think it is still up for viewing on your cable company's on-demand system or on the Comedy Central app.

Mm-hmm. You were very funny on the show, and spoiler alert, won the whole fucking thing. Thanks, Jordan. So maybe go watch that if you want to. I also want to mention something cool, which is a thank you to everyone who has let me and Jordan know how much you enjoy Jordan's Pilot Bubble. Yeah, thank you very much. It's been really cool to hear people like a thing that more often than not no one ever gets to experience. So, yeah, if for some reason you don't know, I wrote a pilot.

It's called Bubble. It's kind of a funny sci-fi kind of show. We put it up in the feed. It's up on SoundCloud and definitely love hearing from people who have listened to it because if you know anything about showbiz, usually a pilot just sits in a drawer and then goes in the garbage and nobody ever gets to enjoy it. So it's very cool that people are enjoying it. Jordan, are you available to do press around this at all? Like would you be willing to do an interview for a blog or a news website or newspaper? Guys, absolutely.

I am available for press. The New Yorker. The Atlantic. Can I? Hold on just one second. Vanity Fair. Guns and ammo. Tad friend of The New Yorker.

I know you're listening right now. Yeah. Hit up Jordan. Hit me up. Hit up Jordan. Yeah. It's a cool show. It's got a terrific cast filled with Jordan and Jesse Goh regulars. Hit me up. Hit up Jordan. Yeah, it's a cool show.

It's got a terrific cast filled with Jordan and Jesse Go regulars. And if you want to press the flesh about it, what do you call talking about something that's a cute way to say it? It's called press the flesh. Dumping it out. If you want to dump it out about the show, I would love to talk to you about it on whatever medium you would like to talk to me about it on. And, you know, I have a quick announcement that is related to that. One of the stars of that show, a guy who did a really wonderful job acting in Bubble, is our friend Mike Mitchell. Sure. Mike Mitchell, of course, is the co-host of one of our favorite podcasts the dough boys over there on the feral

audio network and uh mike and nick weiger were kind enough to have me on their show this week the three of us went to a restaurant uh called mr pizza factory um it's the most popular pizzeria in korea there are over 400 locations in kore. There's only one in the United States. We ate a pizza with cocktail sauce and shrimps on it. We ate a pizza with bacon, corn, streusel and dried cranberries. And both of those pizzas was one of those pizzas had a sweet potato stuffed crust, and one of them had a classic hash brown crust. Sure. It was astonishing. And I had a wonderful time talking with them about that.

That will be out the same week that this episode is out, a couple days later. So go check out the Doughboys. Now, weren't these pizzas delicious? Would you go back and have more of these pizzas? No. Okay. Just checking. These pizzas were, I mean, spoiler alert, I would say overall, these pizzas were not

as weird as I would have liked them to have been. Not as good as I would have liked them to have been. And not as bad as I would have liked them to have been. Right. They were of the quality of like a round table pizza. Like they were not good quality pizzas. They weren't like gas station quality, but I expect, basically I thought I was going to a sort of

cheesecake factory of Korea when in fact I was going to a sort of Shakey's of Korea. Okay. And I was disappointed by that. You didn't even get to play Cruise in USA probably. No, I didn't at all. And the worst thing was there was like no culturally specific Korean shit.

It was a weird idea of what America is. I think the time I went to Mr. Pizza Factory, I had one with like potato discs. Mine had potato. Like boiled potato discs. Yeah, one of the ones I had. I kind of liked it. Yeah, but boiled potato discs, that's their signature pizza. It was by far the most palatable.

This sounds to me like vaping is to smoking, personally. Oh, sure. Like I feel like vaping is what a computer thinks smoking is. Love to vape. What is love? Must blow fat clouds. I am, right. I am like human. Humans blow fat clouds.

So I must blow fat clouds. Do androids dream of blowing fat clouds? Do they? That's the question. I think they do. Or skinny clouds. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think we'll all solve that riddle when the Vape Runner sequel comes out this year starring Ryan Gosling.

Well, Ophira, it has been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you for making the time to do this. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. Thank you for telling us that you were going to be here in Los Angeles away from your home in New York City. It's weird. As a new parent, it's weird. Yeah.

You're glad to be rid of the child, though, right? It's interesting you know just later later for you asshole yeah yeah right exactly let him miss me yeah i'm gonna get hammered and then drive yeah crash crash late drunk drunk um uh ask me another available on your local radio station uh or on your local podcasting application. Ophira Eisenberg, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. You can also catch Ophira at stand-up comedy venues around this great nation, but mostly in New York.

True. Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week. Thank you, Daniel. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. We're on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. We're on Facebook. Just search for Maximum Fun and Jordan Jesse Go. We are on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris

and with the hashtag JJGo. And, Jordan, you're a Hollywood writer. That's true. Solidarity forever. Yes, union forever, maybe. Hollywood writer. That's true. Solidarity forever. Yes. Union forever. Maybe. For the union makes us strong. Mm-hmm.

If. If. If the worst happens and there is not a settlement in the potential writer's strike as we record this. That will become public. It will be decided the day after this episode comes out. What are you going to do with all your time? Well, I don't want to promise anything too big. Right.

But there may be a special I Have a Lot of Time on My Hands additional podcast coming to MaximumFun.org featuring me and a co-host who you know from this show. It's not me. Who you love. It's not you. No, they don't love me. It's not a co-host from. They tolerate me to get you.

It's a beloved guest from this show. I can confirm that. Will be co-hosting with me. It's a weird way for you to ask. A show. How much time will you have? Are you willing to relocate? I do have to fly back. You are, after all the guests on the

most hated episode of Jordan Jessico of all time because it was the one after the retcon. So yeah, check it out. Keep your eyes peeled. Yes, it may happen. It may not happen. But there might be an additional Jordan Morris project coming to podcasting very soon. Yeah.

Unless the writer's strike doesn't happen, then it won't. See, but I'm glad you're advertising it now because if the writer's strike happens, the amount of podcasts. God, I know. I was like, yes, what are all the strike podcasts going to be? It's just going to be, yes, everyone. Welcome to one hour of negotiation talk. Yeah, right. It's going to be, everyone's day is going to be four hours of picketing and the two hours of podcasting. Well, it might be a web series. Yeah, maybe a web series.

Maybe, yeah, maybe like a kind of an onion-y kind of political article kind of thing. Who knows? Maybe a blog. We'll brainstorm it. So, yeah, so keep an eye out for that. Definitely like follow us all on social media and we will be talking about that if it happens. Yeah. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.

Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.