Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 480: Child Colleague with Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Throwing Shade's Bryan Safi and Erin Gibson join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the proliferation of the word "discotheque" in foreign language textbooks, the nightmare of having a pig as a pet, and the astonishing existence of Guy Fieri's Trashcan Nachos.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we provide you with an hour of whatever this is. Talking. Yeah. Speech.

English. Absolutely. Another language? Probably not. Yeah. Speech. English. Absolutely. Another language? Probably not. But English first. That's the rule on Jordan, Jesse, go. Always English first. Do you think this podcast could be helpful for ESL students?

No. No, I think this podcast- Yeah, would probably be confusing for them. Get them in trouble at school. Yeah. I think that would be the primary effect that this podcast would. When I graduated from college, I was profoundly unemployed, just sickeningly unemployed for nearly a year. You were so unemployed you were doing a job, but they were taking money away at the end of the day.

Which I thought was unfair. I later learned was illegal. And I, like my one moment of triumph, I mean, besides my weekly borrowing of my mom's car to drive to Santa Cruz to do my college radio show, was. Well, hey, there's a triumph there because mommy loves you. What's more triumphant than realizing how much mommy loves you? You know mommy loves baby, right? Yeah. And baby loves num-nums.

See, this could be of an ESL test. So they like – they paid me $250 or something to go into – You saw this on Craigslist. On Craigslist. So that's like someone, you know, good diction, no drama. 420 friendly. 420 friendly. 420 friendly. And I read a full half hour of Which Way to the Discotheque.

Would you like to buy some apples or some pears? to buy some apples or some pears? I took three years of Spanish in high school and was always amazed at how each level included something about the discotheque.

I guess it's probably just a big part of the culture in Spanish-speaking countries. And French-speaking countries, I think, to be fair. Yeah. Well, I'm not fucking with that.

No, God. God, no. Yuck. Not countries, I think, to be fair. Yeah. Well, I'm not fucking with that. No, God. God, no. Yuck. Not after they chose the wrong candidate in their presidential election. Thank you. I'm glad we're going there. Yeah. France first.

Yeah. English first. France first. That's my motto here on Jordan Disco. But yeah, a lot of concern with how to get to the discotheque, how to ask people where it is. Yeah. And the bibliotheca.

Yeah, sure. Well, when I was in middle school, I learned Japanese. And by learned Japanese, I mean didn't learn Japanese. And one of the techniques was she would play a tape for us. Our teacher would play a tape for us

called Rapanese. And that worked because to this day, deep inside my mind, in fact, it went through my mind, down my spinal cord, into my soul. That's where the soul lives. At the base of the spinal cord.

Beeru kudasai. Can I have a beer, please? Now, why 12-year-olds were learning to order a beer is a whole other concern. But I definitely remember how to order a beer in Japanese because of Rapanese. It's very helpful. So if we were to travel abroad, you would be getting drunk on Japanese beer. Yep. And I would be hopefully getting laid at some sort of Mexican discotheque.

Sure. So we are basically set. Yeah. That's our main shit, right? Sure. Drinking beers and getting laid. I mean, what else is there? What else is there?

Should we introduce our guests? I'd love to. They are our dear friends from one of our absolute favorite podcasts in the world, our Max Fun Brethren. They are the hosts of both the television show and the podcast Throwing Shade. Brian Safi and Aaron Gibson. Hi, Aaron and Brian. Hi, you know, I just went to Japan and I really I actually could have used Rapanese and I might look it up. Yeah. What were you up to in Japan? I just went on a vacay. Yeah, we went for two weeks and it was wonderful. What kind of stuff did you get up to?

We were in Tokyo for a week and then like Kyoto and then Hiroshima and Miyajima. Hiroshima was not as fun as it might sound. Quite flat from what I hear. Quite flat. How are their discotheques? You know what?

You are right by the way. In Spanish books. Yeah. A discotheque all the all it was so much talk about the discotheque. It comes up so often.

But don't you think it's so they can have kids be interested? Have fun with that? Yeah. Like they don't they're not talking about like I mean but then they say library, which is the opposite. Well, they need to balance it out. They're like, listen, we'll teach you about the library.

But also – DVD players. Yeah. The Bee Gees. Yeah. They're like, what is a seven-year-old love more than anything else? Disco. Disco.

I think that – yeah, I think that probably if you went to a public school, all of the textbooks you were using were probably from 1985. Definitely. I feel like they never update them. I'm sure there's kids learning Spanish and they don't know what the email is called in Spanish. They don't know what a computer is called.

Wi-Fi. But they know the Spanish words for Huey Lewis and the news. It's like, do kids go into public schools now? It's like they wouldn't Wi-Fi. But they know the Spanish words for Huey Lewis in the news. Oh, my God. It's like do kids going to public schools now, it's like they wouldn't even be able to go to a foreign country and ask to join a polyamorous throuple. Because those textbooks are so backwards. They don't even have throuple or emoji. No, they're not caught up at all.

According to Ale, who speaks four languages, bragging, he said... Wait, to who? Oh, my husband and fiancé. Got it. He said that, because I started taking Italian lessons so that he, I could ask him if he wanted a blowjob in his first language. Sure. Yeah. That's really polite of you. Thank you, thank you.

It's not in the book yet, and I'm afraid to ask because I don't know the other people in the class. It does seem like you could look that up. I could. If that was the only thing you were – But I think I would only look up the word blow and job. And I feel like there's a nuanced word for it. Oh, there's definitely like a sexy Italian dictionary.

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. I disagree. It's a sexy dictionary. It's an affogato. I think it's probably – That's when you pour espresso on someone's dick. You pour espresso on someone's dick and then dip it in a nice ice cream.

Nice. I think it's probably just a cognac. I think it's probably, you know, a blowjob. That's true. Like beer in Japanese. Beer in English. Suketo Bodo. I remember that was a big one when we were 12.

Yeah. The word skateboard. ATM. That's one. ATM, mu. That's one. Oh, well, okay. But that's what he was saying. He was saying Italian, Spanish languages will just adopt a new word if it's English. Like computadora is Spanish, in Spanish, right?

Yeah. That's computer. They'll just slap us something that sounds like the language. They'll throw a vowel at the end. Yeah. He's computer. They'll just slap us something that sounds like the language. They'll throw a vowel at the end. Yeah. He said the French refused to do that.

They will create an entire new word that sounds nothing like... To confuse us. Yeah. Yeah. I think you guys know the policy of this podcast.

France first. That's right. Right. I'm sick of immigrants coming in trying to dictate our beautiful language. Thank you. The language, the true language of love.

English? English. Yes. One of the ugliest languages ever. Can you imagine a more beautiful word than blowjob? No, nothing. Oh, gargoyle. That's a beautiful word.

I mean, can we all imagine getting a blowjob from a gargoyle? Jordan, what's going on? Yes. I was going to ask Brian, how was your, when you went to Japan, were you an adventurous eater? Yes. Very adventurous. What's great in like a lot of those places is they, when you walk in, they know that you don't know what you're doing. You know what I mean? And so basically they just say omakase, which just means, can we decide what you eat? know what you're doing sure you know what i mean and so basically they just say omakase which just means can we decide what you eat and so you're just like

yeah yeah it was incredible every i mean really like i it's not even fun to talk about because everything was amazing yeah that is not fun i wish i had a i wish i was telling aaron i don't have a funny story out of that place interesting you took a whole trip did you go to a weird disneyland did you go to a weird i saw a lot of weird stuff for sure but it was it was also like it was weird at first blush and then and then after that you're like no they're actually that's the right way to do that like you're doing it maybe a little better i will say that the gay scene there is very interesting and then yeah and then it's a little bit invisible but also huge okay um and so and also there's like very

specific bars that like foreigners can go to and ones that they can't. And the ones that they can't, they get very specific with what they want for that bar. So for instance, there's bars that are literally like you have to be 32 to 36. There's bars that you have to – and they'll check everything to make sure you are. There's bars that you have to be 180 pounds to 210. They're very specific about what's allowed in these things, which is totally fascinating. Is that because of fetish reasons? I don't exactly know because I wasn't really – I was very discouraged from going to some of those.

So the ones I went to were the bigger ones that remind me honestly of a lot of the ones here. It would be great if you went to Japan and it turned out – I mean for you, look, you're engaged in romance. Yeah. Presuming you were available, you go there and you just fall into something. Right. You know, like if you're some guy from Croatia. Yeah. You're a gay guy from Croatia. Yeah. You're a gay man from Croatia.

It's hard to find that. You accidentally and you're sort of stocky and hairy and you accidentally show up at one of Bob Mould's bear parties. Right. I think that they might show you right in. And you're just like, what? There's a – I'm a thing? Right. Right?

Yeah. Let's have sex. Sure. That would be fantastic. I have to say that probably nothing immerses you into a culture more than a romance there, right? That's true. That's the way to see something. I've been going on a lot of solo vacations in the past couple of years, and I have not had a lot of vacation romances, but I usually try and solve a mystery while I'm there.

That's cool. What was your last one? Huh? What was your last one? Oh, the artifacts. Yeah. You solved a mystery with artifacts the artifacts yeah you meant like a murder or something no i try and do more like hardy boy stuff i see yeah yeah it's an archaeological thing wait so did you it's like a young adult kind of mystery i see can you reveal what you found uh

a skull it was missing a human from a museum can ask a question? Was it jeweled at all? Yeah, it was. It was used in various rites. Got it. Did other people melt when they saw it? Yeah, and then I think that's why they wanted me to retrieve it because I'm good at averting my eyes. What kind of hat did you wear, though? Just a standard hat.

A ball cap? Yeah. It's a San Diego Padres hat. And what I do is I pull the brim down over my eyes when I approach the skull, and then it didn't melt me. And I returned it to the museum, and I was a big hero. What is the Padres mascot? Is it a person? I think it is. Yeah.

So they used to – one of the weird things about the San Diego Padres is they used to really be Padre-themed. Like fathers? Yeah. So they had a guy in like a friar to themed. Like fathers? Yes. So they had a guy in like a friar tuck. Oh, right. Oh, I see. A Latino dad. Yeah, like a full friar tuck type outfit with a rope who's swinging a baseball.

He's their guy. Their uniforms are brown, that were brown, and mustard yellow. Those were their colors. Yes. Beautiful. Beautiful combos. were brown and mustard yellow. Those were their colors. Yes. Then at some point 10 or 15 years ago, they checked out on that and just went with kind of blue and white. Okay.

And so I think they're done with, their main thing is they have the most different weird uniforms honoring the military of any team. Okay. So they'll play in an all digi camo uniform. What? Wow. With American flags on it. Just pander city.

Yeah. Just 100 percent pander city. Like as though. Is anybody like guess what they're wearing this week? I know. Well, as though they're like the thing that is holding back America's armed forces from the respect and value that they deserve is that our baseball players aren't wearing enough digital camo. Yeah.

In San Diego. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what I think would be good? It would be magic eye. Oh, yeah. Like if the baseball men would wrap themselves in a magic eye. They wouldn't even have to throw the baseball probably. Yeah.

People would just be – would have fun squinting. And it would save a lot of effort, baseball probably. Yeah. People would just be – would have fun squinting. Yeah. And it would save a lot of effort, a lot of injuries. Did you ever see one of those – I'm just asking for legal reasons – Please. Outside of a dentist's office? No. Thank you very much for clarifying that, Aaron. I would have hated to have gotten into legal trouble.

I just don't want anyone to think that they could just use the magic eye however they want when I think they're relegated only to dentist offices. So you're looking out for the Padres here. Yes. You don't want them to get sued by the American Dental Association. Yes, thank you. I mean, have you seen them anywhere else besides a dentist? I've never seen one there. I don't know. Where have you seen one? Grandma's house? No, like the mall.

Like, cool places. At the places they sell them. Yeah, at the places they sell them. Various places next to pogs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anywhere that has pogs has magic eye gloves. The one family in our neighborhood that had one in-house was the Plotkins. Who weren't renting them for the weekend.

Yeah, yeah. They owned it. Like a Genesis from Blockbuster. Could have been an installment kind of thing. Where did they have it? Where did they show it? It was in the living room. Oh, really?

It was like a prominent piece. Yeah. Was it a full poster? We're not talking about a book. This was framed. Oh, wow. Yeah, this was a framed piece. They must have won that

at the fair. In behind the toilet for standing peers or in front of the toilet for sitting peers. Oh, yeah. That's really where you can appreciate it.

I think so, too. How do you appreciate it when there's a TV next to it? At the dentist, do they have it on the ceiling? My dentist had it wall-to-wall eye level wherever you looked.

Wow. Astronauts. So just any surface that was a magic eye. Dolphins. There was another one that was race car. I mean, they had everything.

That's pretty cool. I mean, that really runs the gamut. If you're talking about astronauts, dolphins, and race cars. Anything anybody could ever love. Land, sea, and space. All of it.

Adventure. The theme was adventure. If they had mole men, that would be a good addition. That's underground. Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice. I will say the Plotkins. Yeah.

Their move was not telling you what it was. Oh, fuck them. Like letting you find out for yourself. What was it? And I couldn't do it for my first couple visits to the house. I just- That's how they got you of visits to the house. I just. That's how they got you back. Yeah.

Right. I did not. Did you just keep leaving your purse behind? Right. Exactly. I left my earrings on your nightstand. I would borrow a sweatshirt when I was leaving because I was kind of cold. Yeah.

I'll return this later. I was really, I was really a really coy child. Right. What was it? I got there. I got it maybe fourth or fifth time over. Dino scene. Oh, wow.

And did you come back to the house after that? Tyrannosaurus. Moon in the sky. Oh, wow. Mountain in the background. Everyone getting along. Everyone getting along. Just like dinosaurs.

Yeah. The classic dinosaur get along. A peaceful scene. Yeah. Did you go back after you saw it? I did. They were family friends. Oh, they were. Okay. But it felt hollow. You after you saw it? I did. They were family friends. Oh, they were.

Okay. But it felt hollow. You were just using them for the poke. It did feel hollow. I didn't want to be there. Plotkin is a good last name for a neighbor. Yeah, it's a good childhood friend. Yeah, for sure.

It's like a Wonder Years character. Are you going to use that in your autobiographical pilot spec script? With the VL? Yeah. The Plotkin's in me. Yeah. I don't think anyone The plotkins in me. Yeah. I don't think anyone would be interested in that, frankly. Do they know about the magic eye part?

Yeah, I know. That seems like the selling point. Yeah, I'll just- I would lead with that in the elevator pitch. I'll hinge it on that. Yeah. Elevator pitch. You can bring-

Family sitcom magic eye poster sold in the room. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I walked in and I unfurled the poster and I sat it up and I had the executives look for hours. Do you think they bought it framed or they framed it?

I don't think they ever... That's a great question because they were never rolled up. I felt like they always framed them. I think they bought it framed. I think they did too. I'm not basing that on anything, but I think that's the kind

of family they were. I'd like to see them take it down to the frame store, the custom frame store. They spread it out on the table and he says, so, Magic Eye poster, huh? They say, yes. Can I buy a custom frame for it, please?

They're like, hold on. Just checking. It's 1991 now, right? They're like, oh yes, it certainly is 1991. Look at these pogs. Okay, we can do this. We have two choices black or black metal okay that's it's interesting because i remember that the um thing you put your face in with the needles in it yes yeah i just saw one of those recently anyway that was cool it sounds cool but i don't know if there are things like that because we have phones now.

So kids don't have gadgets. They don't have like physical. Oh, yeah. You don't have a ball that you put your fingers on and a lightning bolt goes to the finger. But do we know that? I cannot confirm. I know a little something about this because I have an elementary school aged child. Kids have separate gadgets.

My daughter, there are two things going on at my daughter's school. One is a doodad that you pinch between your fingers and is kind of shaped like an octopus with three legs or like one of those headphone

splitters that goes out like sort of a star shape with three extensions. Maybe it's three or four inches across and you spin it between your fingers. It's called like a fidget digit or something like that. And what is it? It just creates, it just gets your anxiety something to do? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I'll say as a fidgety man, that sounds fun as shit. I would love to spin that thing. But it's less creative. I will say it's less creative than a needle face. It's far less creative. No, I agree. Do you remember? It would not make the cut in Hammock or Schlemmer. No, it would not. Do you remember the first time

you did a middle finger in the needle thing? Oh, no, Brian. I wasn't a bad boy. I wasn't a bad boy. That was a big deal. Yeah. You used to go in the store and just do it in all of them. Do they still have Spencer's? They do.

They've got it. They've got it. Can I tell you the other thing they have in elementary school? I would like to hear about Brian's first time flipping off the needle thing. Amy Schwartz's house, me, Amy, and Trey. We each did it, and then we dared Amy to leave it there for a full day to see if her parents saw

and they didn't see. Is this Trey Anastasio from Fish? It is. Or Trey, the eighth grade teacher at my elementary school? Well, they were both there. Oh, wow. So you were referring to them collectively, all Trey's on deck. Yes, exactly. I would say Trey, and then they would both look, and I would say, I did mean both of you.

So they learned quick. The other very popular item in elementary schools at the moment is a beanie baby that attaches. It's a tiny beanie baby that attaches to the pick it up loop of your backpack. You know, the loop at the top. Okay, sure. With like a little carabiner. It's called a backpack charm.

So children are now doing 1950s gimmicks. Yeah, essentially. I was going to say that does sound very, like, sort of... Analog. Jacks, yeah. Well, I mean, she recently... Jacks! She recently received one, and that's how I know she and her partner are going steady.

Oh, sure. Oh! Oh, it's like a crush thing. Right. If you have their backpack doodad, that's how you know. Wait, is that for real? No, that's not. The backpack doodads are for real.

It's not an actual going steady thing. It will be. If it lasts, do you let your children date? Smoke cigarettes? Yeah. Smoke cigarettes on dates. What are they going to do after they have sex? Yeah.

I mean when they're out – like if you're out at a bar or whatever. Yeah. It goes good with like a whiskey. It sure does. My kid only smokes when they drink. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay.

That doesn't really count. Yeah. Grace is a social smoker. Okay. Yeah. No, that's what I was wanting. Reds? Marlboro Reds?

Or she does American cigarettes? Filterless. She rolls her own cigarettes. Is she carrying a bucket of tobacco and rolling papers around with her?

Yeah. God, well that's... When you're young, you can do that and it's not a... You know what I mean? Well, people think it's cute. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. A child now is a 2002 hipster. Exactly. I think. Yeah. They still love PBR. They grew up so fast. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, according to the toys. Exactly. I think. Yeah. They still love PBR.

Well, yeah, according to the toys. Yeah, sure. All the elementary school kids are really into Electro Clash right now. Isn't that wonderful? It is really cool. They just read old issues of The Fader and just talk about what's going on in Brooklyn. That's great. Which, by the way, is not the most expensive place to live.

Is it? According to some article I read, it said that Brooklyn's not the number one most expensive place to live. I should explain. This is just going on at Grace's elementary school.

It's because last week they all went to the auditorium and had a Fisher Spooner concert. Everybody's really into it right now. People are going to get a bad idea about what LA is about from that right there. It is always sad, though, when a band starts playing cafeteria.

You know what I mean? That's when you know that they didn't have what they used to have. Let's get in there with the fans. Enough of these big arenas. Let's start playing in lunchrooms at around 11 a.m. Is it better than Ezra? That is one weird thing about living in

Los Angeles and having children. Oh, boy. Is that the parents of the children at your school often- Might be in a band. Yeah. They are like- A famous- Yeah.

They were like the bass player of Better Than Ever. Literally, my daughter has a weekly music class where she sings in a chorus. daughter has a weekly music class where she sings in a chorus the teacher the volunteer teacher of this uh music class was in the band veruca salt oh you're kidding she's very nice my wife my daughter loves loves the class and has no fucking clue what veruca salt is right um but like that kind of thing she's more of a liz is constantly going on. It's so weird. Wow. And I mean, I guess, I own a podcast network.

I have a much more confusing job than any of them. Than explaining who Veruca Salt is, was? Yeah, I know. It is a very- I used to love them. It's a very, very odd world. I bet. Yeah.

It's a very- The other thing with the backpack charms, I find – I take my daughter to school. My wife picks her up from school. And we live far enough away that we drive to the school, but some people live close enough that they walk to the school. So there's kind of these like walking groups where you sort of like pick someone up on your way. Like are they sort of additive, you know, as they come out of their front door. And I like I know. Like a music video from the 90s. Exactly.

So I know which groups people are. And afterwards, after school, you throw all the patio furniture in the pool, right? Yeah, exactly. And I think it's great. You know, I know when I park, about the time I get there, what kids will be walking down the street with their parents. And I'm friendly with their parents. Everybody's parents are lovely. However, with these backpack charms, I have such deep class issues.

I am upper middle class at this point. Like, I cannot claim to even be lower middle class. I own a house in Los Angeles. Everything's fine. But I have such deep-seated class issues, I resent the kids that have a lot of backpack charms. I feel like I

would be in that game too. Can you spin it though that those are just bad parents? They're spoiling their children? I mean, that's how I'm spinning it in my head, but I'm spinning it, but then that those are just bad parents? They're spoiling their children? I mean, that's how I'm spinning it in my head, but then it spins back around. They're spoiling their children, because they're rich kids. They're probably real-life Veruca Salts. They're probably

Willy Wonka Veruca Salts. They want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter! Exactly. They're going to get it, too. That's the problem. Are the Backpack Charms licensed characters? Or are they? There are licensed characters, but they're also just like Beanie Baby animals. And they are Beanie Baby TM.

I think. I don't. Okay. So what is the company? Ty? So they're definitely that. Got it. I don't know whether they're technically Beanie Babies.

Do you remember for a hot minute when everyone thought Beanie Babies were good investments? Oh, sure. Yeah. That was wild. There's a documentary about people who put all their money into beanie babies. Well, it works out great for me because my

three-year-old, Oscar, I go to the flea market every Sunday. At this point, because we have a baby, I have to take at least one kid with me because it's too much to ask for Teresa to have all three kids at once with the baby. Do you go to the Rose three kids at once with the baby. So you go to like the Rose Bowl?

I go to the Rose Bowl. Go to Pasadena City College. You do the rounds. I go to Long Beach. I go to Santa Monica. At the Pasadena City College, there is – so the problem is three-year-olds do not want to go to the flea market. Of course. There's no reason for a three – They don't care about rugs.

They don't like antiques. Yeah. Right. They don't care about rugs. They don't like antiques. Yeah. Right. So there is a woman at the Pasadena City College flea market who just has an enormous like a rental storage space sized box full of Beanie Babies and they're a dollar.

So that is like, oh, is that a perfect thing for me to buy for my child for a dollar? Don't care. Cost a dollar. there's an infinite supply of them she's there every month do you think there was a tip because kids that age don't really care what it is right they just want something yeah just want to ask her like the beanie baby he loves the beanie babies and one nice thing is like by the time the beanie babies hit peak beanie baby it wasn't like they were making, like, they had, like, oh, sure, you could get, like, a David Ortiz Red Sox Beanie Baby. But mostly they were making weird animals. Because you run out. You run out.

There's no, you can't only make so many bears. Did they ever have, like, I'm curious if beanie baby ever evolved into the thing where like prada made one or like you know what i mean like designers actually made them l l l l beanie baby yeah or like something like that they missed an opportunity big time with that yeah hanging out i loved it so i think it's at a certain point, he just started adding dicks, right? Oh, yeah. For sure. He makes a man of Tom. Yeah. Yeah.

This is Blizzard Bear. This one's got a dick. Oscar's got an eel that's called Mr. Eel. That's his name. Okay. Oscar named him. He's got like a beetle. He's got a dragonfly.

You're right. They did get very specific. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Wow. Forfly. You're right. They did get very specific. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Wow. For sure. A dugong. What does a beetle look like?

I just don't imagine that being like a cuddly stuffed animal. Well, three-year-olds don't care, and I find it amusing. Okay. My friend, when I was growing up, this child colleague of mine. She. I don't want to say friend. Child colleague. Yeah.

By child colleague of yours, you mean a colleague of yours when you were a child. Yes. Not a child that worked on your television show, for example. No, but we did. To keep costs down we did do that as well that's for the best child grew they're affordable yeah no but she would get uh whenever she got a stuffed animal and it would drive her parents crazy to the point that like they were like talking to my parents about it she would name like her stuffed monkey everything was

named jesus and we came, I grew up very religious and so did my friends and they were like, you cannot name the monkey Jesus. You can't do it. And she was like, well, I'm calling it Jesus. She would call every animal Jesus

and the parents were just... And they weren't excited about it? No, because they thought it was, like, sacrilegious and inappropriate and, like, that they would have to explain. Like, because, you know,

you would bring a stuffed animal to church or something and then what's the pig's name? Jesus. Well, that's inappropriate. to explain, like, because, you know, you would bring a stuffed animal to church or something. And then what's the pig's name? Jesus. Well, that's what it probably is. I think it's fucking, I think it's just brainwash. I would have gone the other way. Help my kids stop naming everything Jesus.

I think that's a compliment, Brian. Pigs are smart. They'll eat anything. They can play video games. They're vicious. They're cleaner than you. They are, but they're absolutely vicious. That's like, you know, if you're a farmer, you know never to get inside the pig pen.

And here we are. But they will kill you, they'll crush you, and they'll eat the bones. That's how people used to get rid of bodies. Tom Arnold was on. Wait, and they could play video games? Yes. What video game does a pig play? There's a video online of a pig playing a video game, and that was the example that my friend Allison gave me why I should stop eating pork and I did.

Okay. I'm not here to indoctrinate you guys, okay? When I interviewed Tom Arnold for Bullseye, he told the story of having had a good friend of his murdered in front of him by a pig. Yeah. Now, to be fair, they were trying to murder the pig.

He worked at a slaughterhouse. Kill or be killed situation. And they're so smart that,, I had a friend who had two as pets, like small ones. Hot belly? No, they were like a minute, I don't know, they were small. Like, that he had them, because they were smart and all this, well then they outsmart you. So they know that the one thing that you will hate more than anything is when they fucking scream. So if they don't get what they want at any minute, that's what they do. I have experience with this.

Fill your house with screams. Do that. I've got experience with this because my wife's cousin's pig, Atticus, came to stay for the weekend with us, and I was thrilled. Sure. Because I think pigs are fucking adorable. They are. And I have always wanted to have a pet pig, and they do have a pet pig. I thought it was

going to be great. In fact, what happened is Atticus alternated between biting me and screaming like a human child the entire time. It's terrifying. Can you do how they scream? Because I don't... It's like screeching. It's terrifying.

It's like, fuck! They can actually pronounce fuck. It's the only... And I don't think they know what it means. And they don't have lips. Like, fuck. That is frightening. Fuck. Yeah. And why did they, what, were they just like immune to it?

They were just like business as usual? So apparently Atticus likes them. The pig was out of its element. Atticus lives in an apartment, okay? I thought Atticus would be thrilled to have his own backyard area. No. Instead, what he did was terrify my new neighbors and upset them very much. Make them think that I am some sort of animal murderer or torturer.

Did the pig sleep with your wife's cousin in the bed with them? God, that was... You mean like sexually? No, I just mean like is is it cousin, then pig in arms? The pig used to be small, but became somewhat big. I think at this point he's probably... You got yourself a big pig on your hands? You got it.

Okay. A BP. And I think he was a little too big to get in the... I mean, if he got in the bed Jesse would you say this is a monster hog would you call this a monster hog exactly what I would call it Jordan given the opportunity a heifer's a cow a heifer's the cow I think so yeah we okay so they were like he needs a bed that's what's going on because all night he was screaming so what happened is lay down in the grass or something.

Yeah. He's a fucking pig. But that pig wants a couch or something, right? So one of Teresa's other cousins- That would be cute. One of my wife's other cousins went to the PetSmart or whatever and got a bed for the pig and brought it to us, put it in the backyard. All night, the same noise is going on.

Oh, my God. The second morning, we go outside. There is, like, hollow fill everywhere. Like, tiny pieces of dog bed are everywhere. Like, there may still be little tufts of polyester pillow filling in my backyard now four years later. Does it give you a chill when you see it? Oh, my God. Yeah, I've heard it's just a nightmare.

But Atticus lives in a one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco. And is fine with it. Yeah, he's happy with it. Wow. Loves him. Loves their three-year-old. And they go on walks with him? Do you think they just say that to justify their weird lifestyle of pig ownership.

Well, I mean, there's no doubt that they have a weird lifestyle of pig ownership. But you think they they because when you have a weird pet or you have a weird deal, you just want to insist that it's normal to everyone. So they don't think you're weird. So do you think this pig is biting and shrieking? But they're just like, he loves us. And at this point, they probably can't get. Yeah. Maybe you don't know even i mean you think that the pig is sort of like uh how the virus gets into your brain from the cat poop to control yeah maybe a little bit and i think like everybody is immune to how annoying their pet is because they love the pets i'm not dear god my pets are

annoying i love them very much. But yeah, but I think that, right, there's a, I guess I'm thinking of the equivalent of when you go into someone's tiny apartment. Well, they're always more in love with the thing than. Of course. Right. And it's just filled with shelter dogs. Someone's apartment filled with shelter dogs and they insist that it's fine, but you're

in there for five minutes and you're like this is not fine. You live in a hell. Right. A loud hell. That has to affect you emotionally and physically even. Well I think those people are always like it's better than what their alternative

is for these dogs. I think probably it is good for the dog to be in... I don't agree. Sure. The problem... If the dog is in a cage in an apartment all day and getting walked, the dog is better off dead.

And you can email me personally if you have a problem with what I just said. Actually, we actually want people to get at IamPapaJohn on Twitter. Yeah, if you've got a question, if you've got a complaint or a correction about Jordan, Jesse, go at I am Papa John on Twitter. Can I ask a question about that handle? Is it affiliated with... It is. It is Papa John. Who did I am I am?

Well, probably Papa John was taken. Or Papa John is the pizza and then I am Papa John is the man. But who runs I am Papa John? Papa John does. Presumably. Or possibly Peyton Manning. Is he like their spokesperson? I it is all associated. Possibly Peyton Manning. Is he like their spokesperson? I think they're friends. I think they're best friends.

So Peyton Manning is a pizza cuck. Yes, he is a pizza cuck. That's got to be something, right? It's a subreddit, definitely. Guys, at some point, let's round this out. I got a cuck story. Anyway.

Great. So, yeah, right. Do you think that the pig is – because you haven't been able to observe the pig. I think, number one, Jordan, I think your problem is you're going on too many Craigslist dates. Sure, yeah. Well, that's where people meet. Yeah. I mean, everybody's plugged in these days to the World Wide Web.

That's right. They're not doing it in real life. They're getting on Craigslist. Craigslist. So that's thing number one. Thing number two, yes. And I think there's no doubt that there is a combination going on there of absurd hipster affectation. And there's no doubt.

My wife's cousin is a professional musician. and I believe his wife is as well. They're both amazing, brilliant, wonderful people. And his pants are extremely tight, wears extremely tight pants. And so there's that. Like, I think that is the life they have chosen. Sure. How do you walk a pig in tight pants? That's a good question.

That is a good question. I want to be clear that I'm not against that. So I think sometimes when people say absurd hipster affectation, I'm fine with it. Sure. It is absurd to have a pig in your house. But as I've stated, I've always wanted to have a pig live in my house. I can't blame them. I just have questions about the logistics of the whole thing.

And if something was screaming all goddamn day, I would have a problem. I think the other thing is that they are very big hearted. So I think that they – but really what I think it is is I think that the pig is very smart and knows who its family is and knows who it can bite. Yeah. family is and knows who it can bite. Yeah. Like the pig, Atticus understood which people he could bite that would stop the gravy train and which people he would bite that would scream and drop their food and run away. Did he know his name?

Sorry. Did he know his name? Like if you called Atticus. Absolutely. Oh, he did. Okay. Absolutely. Did you think about setting up a Sega Genesis for it?

Because apparently they love video games. They love video games. Did you think about setting up a Sega Genesis for it? Because apparently they love video games. They love video games. Well, I didn't have a Sega Genesis at the time. How good are they at video games? Because I've been having a hard time

finding somebody who can beat me at Madden 95 here in the office. A pig will. Oh, yeah. A pig will do that. They're really good at RPG.

Even if I'm the 49ers. They're good at inventory maintenance. Because ideally, I'd like to have somebody that- Wait, does that not stand for role-playing game?

Yeah. It does. What is- Inventory maintenance is a ideally I'd like to have somebody that- Wait, does that not stand for role-playing game? Yeah. It does. What is- Inventory maintenance is a thing you do because you can only carry so many things. I have a limited reference. Yeah. We get it. You're cool.

We're nerds. Whatever, Aaron. Yeah. Stop it. You know what? That was not the point I was- I'm proud to be a nerd. Nerds rule.

Jockers rule. Stop bullying us, jocks. Sorry. I guess I'm kind of a nerd. Jocks rule. Stop bullying us, jocks. Sorry. I guess I'm kind of a nerd. Okay. I'm nerdy like that. Oh, my God. I've read every Harry Potter.

Yeah. Said every model under the age of 20. Have you guys checked out Marvel movies? That's like my thing. I love them. They're so fun. Brian, what Marvel movie are you excited about? What Marvel movie am I excited about?

Yeah, Marvel movies. Marvel men. Yeah. I don't know. Any of the man? I don't know. Spider-Man, Gun Wonder. You like to have a man at the end.

Is Wonder Woman a DC or is she? She's a DC. Okay. Well, I'm excited about that. I have this book. So my daughter loves superheroes. She doesn't have a lot of understanding of what superheroes are. She's never really seen –

She probably doesn't even know who Jack Kirby is. Oh, my God. She's never really like seen oh i uh just real quick i saw i saw an online thing of guys on reddit making fun of somebody for being a filthy casual what does that that's what you call somebody who's just like seen the movies but hasn't hasn't read the books i like you call them a filthy i love that filthy that term. Filthy casuals. Is Jack Reddit or whatever you said his name was? Jack Kirby. Is he

Aquaman? No, that's like a famous comic book man. Oh. Drawer man. What would that be? Because that's not a filthy casual because he didn't know any of it. That is a man who has lived a reasonable life and has not acquired information that he doesn't need.

Curious bystanders. Did Jack Kirby invent Fantastic Four? No, maybe. I mean, I think Stan Lee did, but I think Jack Kirby probably drew. Defined it. Defined it. Man, Stan Lee really took it and ran with it, didn't he? And by that, I mean, like, he also, I think, himself must have wanted to be famous.

Yeah, yeah. Because I know exactly who that is. Well, he's really cool and really fun. He fun he seems like he's really one of my heroes i like his distinctive yelling have you met him he's screamer okay i so grace you really do like him you should not meet him grace has never meet your heroes grace did you wait did you have a bad deadly experience that seems loaded no brian this is all by proxy. Brian met someone who we both admire and it didn't go well. Every time I've met someone who I deeply admire, I'm like, oh, that was rough.

Yeah. Anyway. I'm sorry, guys. It's all right. You've let me down. Grace loves superheroes. She calls herself Batgirl. And there are times, it's faded now, but there were times when she would only answer to Batgirl.

I think she got the idea. At some point, I think she had the idea like, well, they bought this Grace shit, so I'm going to try Batgirl. Sure. I'm going to kick this up into the next gear. And so she- I think you can draw the line at fictional characters. Right.

Does she have like some background- She hasn't ever- Like we went to see Lego Batman and she didn't really like it. It was like too much for her because she's five. Right. And the thing about superheroes is they're completely inappropriate for children. Like they really- They're just trying to beat each other.

That's the only story really is them trying to hurt each other. So I'm going to say like 11 and up. So she has this like picture book, like board book about DC superheroines, which is great because she only likes girl superheroes. Which is great because she only likes girl superheroes. And she wants to be Batgirl, so she prefers DC, although I don't think she knows the difference. And this book, it's like a feminist book in theory. Theoretically a feminist book, like an empowering girls book. Like an empowering girls book. But it's so hard to empower girls using superheroes without mentioning that what they do is beat people up.

So like every page is a new character. And it'll be like Batgirl loves computers. STEM, guys. STEM. Yeah. Batgirl. What's STEM? STEM is science, technology, engineering, and math.

Ah. It's what girls are just as good at as boys. I've heard that. But not adult women. No, no, no. They're just different situations. I'm told that it's STEAM now. They've added arts just because. Is that true?

Just threw that in. Yeah. At some point, it's just going to be a list of all the subjects in school. Yeah. Language arts. It's going to be everything but what? Investment banker? Exactly.

So Grace, it'll be like Batgirl is so smart. She loves programming computers. And when she works with her friends, she can do anything. It's like – But she also has an assembly of weapons. The main thing they do when they get together is beat someone into submission. Sure. Like they don't really – there's not a lot of like –

I think you could go – like it seems like if you were trying to do something that was for kids, you could rely on a lot of animal saving. You could rely on a lot of animal saving or like – Liberating zebras from the zoo or something. So that is what – Destroying a zoo. That is what kids' entertainment is about now. Yeah, like if there's a flood, you get someone out of the way of the flood. Like if there's a flood, you get someone out of the way of the flood. So like when we were children, the big boy targeted cartoons were your Thundercats, your

He-Mans, your G.I. Joes, which are all based on things fighting each other. At least G.I. Joe in the end. And good and evil. I feel like now maybe there's not quite the evil. Well, because you can't have things fight each other anymore. Right.

And so now all kids' cartoons are about saving animals. Can I ask you guys a question about superheroes? Please, yes. And maybe I'm wrong, but it always seems as if at least in the movies, and maybe this is the same in the comic books, that people aren't quite as into Superman as they are Spider-Man or Batman. Is that fair? Yeah. But why?

I think that, you know, when we were kids. Because he doesn't have the darkness? He was corny. Okay. And I think that, yeah, he was virtuous, always wanted to do, not complicated. He was just a. He was boring. He was always, always wanted to do it, not complicated. He was just a- He was boring. He was always my favorite.

Yeah. But I think that it really comes down to Superman would not be good in bed. And the other two would. Interesting. What is cuter than Clark Kent? That is the cutest person. But he would never fuck you as Clark Kent. But I think you could request it.

I think if you were in this LTR with Superman slash Clark Kent, you could be like, hey, just for fun, why don't we put on the glasses tonight? Like Batman has darkness. He's damaged, which means he's probably like – But Peter Parker doesn't. No, I guess he does, right? His parents are dead. Clark Kent is a type of gay bar in Japan. Yes.

Probably. in Japan. Yes. Probably. I think Superman Superman has good sex

powers, right? I think. Would he break you? I think that is a popular comic book dork thing

to talk about is how you couldn't fuck Superman or else he would destroy you. I think there's a danger there but you know what maybe that makes it hot you know what else i mean he is nerd like i guess he's not in other words he is intimidated by lois lane and i feel like maybe there's some coaching you'd have to do with superman in bed sure maybe that's what makes them unattractive i here's something that I wondered about.

Let's say you're having sex with Spider-Man from the movie Spider-Man. Yeah. Which one? Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield? Or Tom Holland. Probably Tobey Maguire. Okay. Like Spider-Man 2.

Yeah. Yeah. I loved that one. It's really fun. Yeah. That's my favorite one. Me too. Of all those.

Yeah. Yeah, I loved that one. It's really fun. Yeah. That's my favorite one. Me too. Of all those, yeah. But if you're having sex with Spider-Man, and he has, he shoots spider webs.

He probably shoots spider webs when... When he comes? When he comes. I thought that's an apparatus from a suit. So in the 60s, it was an apparatus from his suit. But in the movies and stuff, I think they made it into a thing that comes out of him. It goes back and forth. I think it is now back to being an apparatus. Because I think Andrew Garfield wore the gloves that did that.

Yeah. It's an apparatus again. I think that was something people did not like about that first round of Spider-Man movies. Yes, people didn't like all the cub jokes that came with it. I can understand that. Yeah. Get it? Came with it, Jordan?

Oh, I sure do. Okay. Well, we'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, From the dawn of time, one podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology to enrich the lives of billions. And now, after a year where they've unlocked the golden age of knowledge, they're about to hit warp speed and go stratospheric. Wait, hold up. On Oh No Ross and Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims. We investigate them.

We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims, and we participate in pseudoscientific medical treatments and then report our findings to you. And yes, we've even investigated Scientology. Shrash. New episodes every month at MaximumFun.org. Oh no, Ross and Carrie. They show up so you don't have to. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, That was, in a normal context, that would have been a good one. I know. You got so thoroughly outclassed by Brian just now. I mean, you just got beat the fuck down. I had to go in a different direction.

Holy shit. And my choice was wrong. Okay, we got sponsors on this week's program, Jordan. First of all, my pals at M-Dubs. That's Mack Weldon. Yeah, you got it. They're making underpants over there. I'm wearing Mack Weldon socks right now, and I'm loving them.

Ooh. Guess what I got on my butt? Mack Weldon underpants? You got it. Yes! Also a Boyle. Oh no. That's not Mack Weldon's fault, we should say. That Boyle was there before the underpants. It's been there for too long. Gotta get someone to lance that. They don't have

Boyle-causing bacterias. No, they're very comfortable. That's why I wear them when I have a Boyle. What they do have smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping. I always like going onto the old Mack Weldon website and shopping. If you want to go there, go to MackWeldon.com, and you get 20% off if you use the promo code JJGO. Yeah, they make nice no-show socks. They got a nice undershirt that always stays tucked.

They got a few nice products over there. It's not just premium underpants. Oh, yeah. Socks, shirts, shorts. I've got a nice pair of running shorts that I like from Mack Weldon. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know they offered that. I like them a lot.

Well, MackWeldon.com, 20% off with JJ Go. And, Jordan, can I ask you a question? I'd love to. Do you like to eat? Have you asked me a question? Do you like to eat, Jordan? Always putting stuff in my mouth. How many times a day? Three? Five?

Sometimes up to ten. Yeah. So you're going to need something to eat or else you'll die. Oh my gosh. I don't want that. I have so much more living left to do. Well, why don't you check out our friends at Blue Apron? Ah, let me get them cakes. Ooh, let me get them cakes. Blue Apron, it's a meal

service for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Ooh, let me at them cakes. Jesse, can I tell you about a problem that I have had in the past? Is it hunger? It's hunger. Yeah. And when you're dealing with this hunger, there's what we call the single man's dilemma.

Oh, no. Listen, I was making a pizza at home. You know what would be good on this pizza? A little basil. Sure. Go to the supermarket. Buy a box of basil. You get like a $5.

That little clam shell of basil. Yeah. Costs like $6.99. So I put the basil on the pizza. It tastes real good. But unless I'm eating basil for every meal, which I'm not. I'm not a psycho. No. This

basil goes bad. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of food. It's a waste of environments. Yeah. Blue Apron just gives you the stuff you need for that meal. And they send it right to your house or apartment. Yeah. It doesn't matter. They're agnostic about that. They don't care what you live. They don't

judge you. They're Blue Apron. Three meals free. Blue Apron. They don't judge. Three meals free. Three meals free. Free shipping. You go to blueapron.com slash JJGO. That's a heck of a deal, Jordan. Three free meals? Yeah, just do it.

You're not going to get that down at the food bank. No, you're not. Go there. Try it. Blueapron.com slash JJGo. It's a better way to cook. Let me at them cakes.

Let me at them cakes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la know it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's an actual conversation. I don't know where it's headed. Absolutely. You're absolutely right. You said it actually better than I did, so I have to think about what that means. Hey,

this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show. Bullseye. Creators you know, creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, filthy casual.

Brian Soffie. Do you want to come up with a new one? No, no. I just did because there was something we talked about last time. Yours is so fucking good. Yeah, yours is really good. Brian Soffie, The Rose. Aaron Gibson.

You know it. You don't even need to say it. I choked. They know it. No, that was solid gold. Yeah. That was the lemme at them kicks of nicknames. That's something that's going to go down through history.

The original Rose? The Rose. Oh, the Rose. Okay. I just want to remember. I want to make sure. Quit trying to punch up my shit. I remember.

I just want to make sure I remember it correctly. All of Brian's personal lives just start. Have you ever been kissed by a rose? That's right. It's very, you know, as soon as in the gay community, people are concerned with masculinity and I feel like that's the way

to just throw it all out on the table. Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever been kissed by a rose? Yeah. Guys. I'm a mask musk. Yeah. I, in the last segment,

I teased a story that involved cucks. Uh-huh. I think we're going a little long today. It's a long story. So, hey, you listeners out there. I'm going to buckle in. You're going to have to wait for next week for this nasty little cuck story.

You're going to have to wait until next week. I'm sorry. I'm withholding from you. Do you think next week's going to be the JJ Go Cucktacular? I hope so. Oh, yeah. I love it.

Can you give a tagline for the story? For like a preview? Oh, sure. I went to a secret cowboy society and had a drink poured on me. That is a good tease. It's a good story. That's a good tease. But you'll have to tune in next week. Okay.

Well, in the meantime, if something momentous happens to you, like someone pours a drink on you. Everyone there was a nasty little cuck. Just a nasty, masturbating, small-dicked little cuck. Oh, God. Yum, yum. I can only imagine. I am so hard right now, Jordan. I'm giving you my num-nums.

Keep talking about those num-nums. Ooh, this is thrilling for me. Ooh. Anyway. I usually have to go all the way to Japan for this. I'm already queasy by your story. Yeah. And that's all I know.

I'll tell it to you guys afterwards. I'll tell you like a quick version. But it's one of the most insane things that's ever happened your story. Yeah. And that's all I know. I'll tell it to you guys afterwards. I'll tell you like a quick version. But it's one of the most insane things that's ever happened to me. Jordan. Wow. From the podcast. It sounds truly momentous, Jordan. Yeah, it sure is.

When something momentous happens to you, call us at 206-984-4FUN. That's 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, dumbbell. Let's play our first call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, guest, and Sunny D. This is Mike from San Francisco. I work in a building with a very unusual address and parking configuration, and as such, I frequently intercept people in front of our building who look lost

and help them find their way. Just now I was standing out front. Can you pause it real quick, Daniel? This is a really perfect example of what a Paw Patrol plot would be. This guy's in trouble. He needs dogs to save him. Yeah. So somebody's trying to figure out how to park in a building with an unusual parking

configuration, and then Everest comes in. She's a husky. And she helps people out with those steely blue eyes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, gosh. What a gorgeous dog. Yeah.

Oh, beautiful dog. I think we're too turned on by everything now. Everyone in here should go to their homes and masturbate. Yes. Gosh darn it. Go back a little bit, Daniel, and press play again. Or the park across the street. We'll find their way.

Just now I was standing out front when a car came driving by very slowly. I made eye contact with the woman driving, and although I had my earbuds in, it sounded to me like she said, do you need a date? Assuming I had misheard her, I turned off my podcast and asked her if she needed some help, and she repeated herself and, in fact, had said, do you need a date? So that's a phrase I've only heard one other time in real life from what appears to be a prostitute, but now they've taken to just offering it on a drive-by basis. So I thought that was momentous.

Make of it what you will. Thanks, guys. I like to imagine that that conversation started with them locking eyes in their cars next to each other and then her doing the roll down your window motion. I just think he—I'd like some clarification. Is he certain she's not talking about the fruit? No, I think. Could she be selling dried fruits?

Is it a farmer's market? Yeah. Is there a farmer's market nearby? Erin, I don't know if you actually did this or if it was just your joke that you would pull up next to like a guy around our age or something. I just roll down your window and go, hey, how old are you? It's really... Because how old does he need to be?

Well, it only works if they're clearly over the age of 25. Yeah, yeah. Wow. So he thinks that she was like propositioning him for money? I think that's what that means, right? In her car. I mean, that's new.

I've never heard of that. I'm interested to know. I was savvy business. I want to know what car she was driving. Oh, sure. Me too. I'm going to say 98 Jetta. By the way, in my head, it was like an 88 Pontiac.

And I don't know why. In my head, it was a Jay Leno fire engine. That's kind of what I'm into. That's just what I'm into. I like how she's like, you know what? I'm not going to exhaust myself here. The business won't come to you. You go to the business.

That's right. I mean, street walker. I mean, you know, do we need to walk now? We've got cars. We've got hoverboards. We've got the internet. We've got Craigslist. How hot would it be to get approached by a hoverboard prostitute?

Sorry. Amazing. Yeah. How hot would it be to get approached by Jay hoverboard prostitute? Sorry. Amazing. Yeah. How hot would it be to get approached by Jay Leno in that fire truck? Oh, boy. How hot would that prostitute be when the hoverboard caught fire? Unbuttoning all those jeans. All those jeans.

Because I am actually pretty confident that he wears more than one pair on his legs. We know he wears it on his top, too. Jay Leno has not spent $ dollar of his tonight show money he lives completely off his prostitution money cruises around burbank in his fire engine yeah he's cruising dough is enough you know story about one of the friends cast and i know which one but for whatever reason i don't want to say but during the like crash in 08, when the economy tanked, or 07, I guess, this person said, seriously, fuck, I might have to dip into that friend's money. I had never touched it. Wow.

Isn't that incredible? Oh, Schwimmer. So they were just going off their money off being the dad from Al. Hundreds of millions. Yeah. The dad from Al. You read The Coffee Shop, right? Got all that Ed money and now

all the Ed money's been spent. Gotta get into that. Are you watching Handmaid's Tale? And then I'm shutting up. No. Okay, well, it's excellent. Is there an oracle? Well, no, but one of the stars of it, who's just this incredible actress that I had never seen before,

because I guess her only other credit was Chuck. And she's like this very serious. Is she the wife? Yes. It is like a serious, hardcore role. I've never seen before. And I looked her up. I was like, who is this?

And then that was her other credit. Huh. Anyway. Just one of the Chuck alums. Yeah. Do you think she's delved into her Chuck money? One of the Chuckles. Yeah. Literally all get she's delved into her Chuck money? One of the Chuckles. Yeah.

Literally all get together once a year. How many seasons was that show on? Four? I think 20. Yeah, I think that's one of those shows you're like, oh, that's been on since 1983. Like a bone situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

All our moms watch it. It's not still on. I don't think it's still on. But it ended, I think, only like four or five years ago maybe. It's still on. I don't think it's still on. But it ended, I think, only like four or five years ago maybe. My only association with Chuck is that I remember that Chuck was the thing that was supposed to go on after us on the Warner Brothers stage when we got kicked out of Comic-Con.

Oh, yeah, sure. And I remember thinking like, Chuck, huh? Yeah. Like, I understand that there's, like, people who are, like, going to Comic-Con to, like, dress up like a TARDIS and talk to other Doctor Whovians. But I didn't know there was, like, a whole gang who's just like, oh, God. Comic-Con is the one time a year that I get to be with other Chuckheads. Someone was keeping that show alive. Chuckleheads is probably what they're called, right? I think the – well, something that I have heard, and I think this is still true, that the biggest Comic-Con adjacent event and that the biggest event around Comic-Con that doesn't take place on the grounds is the Bones meetup. Like that is the biggest gathering of people who are there for Comic-Con who are – I guess the – like they just pick a gazebo at a public park and all the boners go in and talk about bones.

It's ending this year finally. I've heard that. 12 years. I would have murdered someone to be on that show just to have those residuals. Those bones. Oh, sure. Those bones. Those bones.

Yeah, those bone bones. Yeah. Just to be able to roll them bones. I would have memorized all that stupid jargon they have to do. Erin, what would be your ideal, besides being an actor briefly and then moving away, what's your dream bones role? What would you? Oh, me? Yeah.

The detective who comes in like every three episodes and gets the case taken away from her. Oh, your're incompetent. Like, like they, like they, their, their jurisdiction is always over mine. Yeah. So I've got this case and I'm like, this is my time to break out as a detective. I'm finally going to make captain. Yes. Or whatever.

And then Bones comes in and ruins my day. Bones. So it would be like a dramatic and comedic role in the way that I play it. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Because I'd always be like, I'd see them and then the comedy that I would play it. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah. Because I would always be like – I'd see them and then the comedy would start. But I'd be standing over a dead body. Erin, I think – I hate to tell you this.

I haven't seen a ton of these shows, but I'm pretty sure that as a tall, pretty blonde, you're pretty much locked into angry district attorney. Not bad. That's not a bad place to be. I was at a party when I first moved to L.A. And I was – this guy was trying to flirt with me. And he goes, you know what? Where was the party? House party? Disco party?

It was at – Library? It was at the biblioteca. Were you trying to pick up guys at kids' story time? Yeah. And this guy was like – he was like flirting with me. And he was – I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, I work on CSI Miami or no regular CSI.

CSI regular. Yeah. And I was like, oh, cool. And he's like, you know, you're, you're pretty enough. I could get you on as a dead body. And I was like, what a nag. What a weird way to pick up girls. That is a classic.

That is pickup artist negging. That's what that is. No, that's people's dream. You know what? He might have thought he was a dream maker. Pretty enough to be a dead body. Yeah. I think he's a dream maker.

If he told me that, I'm in. And then he did some close-up magic. I don't have as many credits as you two. There's nothing like sitting, sorry, laying naked, covered in makeup and leaves in a public park for two days and making sag men. You don't have to memorize anything. No, you just have to be naked and dirty. I think you are technically an extra probably too.

Yeah. So you probably don't even get it to the good catering. I would do it. I'd do it in a second. If somebody offered you, presume you're not working, like not that you're, not in the sense that you're hard up for money, but you're on hiatus from your smash hit television program, Throwing Shade on TV Land. And you're just not up to anything. You don't have any plans. Sure.

Somebody says to you, you're a dead body. It takes two days. You get to be on Law & Order SVU. Do you know who could get away with that? I feel like that's a job for, like, Amy Sedaris. I feel like she would be like, I'll do that. Sure. Yes.

And people wouldn't think it was sad. They'd be like, she's hilarious. Or, like, even someone. They'd be like, oh, it's a joke. If we did it, there would be, like people who would be like, what is happening? They have drug problems that need supporting. How badass would it be if George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston or someone hugely famous did that? That's so funny.

It would take away anything that the show was about. People would just be like, why is nobody talking about how handsome that dead body is? If I had one more zero on my yearly income, I would consider it. I feel like I'm not rich enough to do it. I would love to have Clooney. I would ask Clooney first. Yeah. Because you'd probably come up with some great pranks on set.

Oh, that's true. He would make that the most fun week of that whole season. Can you, but you know what? If you weren't famous like George Clooney, then you would just be an asshole on set. And that's the difference. That's true.

God, famous people get away with everything. Let's take our next call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Dan calling from Victoria. Daniel, pause it. Because I do not like Dan's attitude. He's coming in hot. He's coming in like he's the king of king shit

king town. By the way, people live in Victoria. Yeah. Have you been there? No. It is like a doll. It's like a dollhouse. You can't believe that people actually live there. From the hit television show Dollhouse, one of the really great television shows of our time. No, because it's so, like, cute and precious and high tea and all that stuff. So I'm just surprised.

You go there for, like, a day. I'm surprised that people live there. Anyway. Well, I'm not, to hear that it's cute and precious, I'm not surprised at this guy's shitty fucking attitude. He's like, let me give you guys. He seems lovely. Let me give you guys a gift. That's what his voice says to me. Let me give you guys the gift of my company.

And also Canadians now have every right to be snooty, so they are. Yes, they're better than us now. And I am legitimately grateful. They've got that cool prime minister. I'm grateful that anyone does telephone us. I mean, let me be clear. That's true. There's no reason. People don't gain

anything from telephoning us. So I guess he's right. He is giving me a gift. Telephoning anyone has become a high anxiety experience. Even when they're like, call your senator. I'm like, please don't pick up. You know what I mean? Not that they would, but it's scary. Please, Kamala, please. I had this on the way

over. I've got hands free in the car, guys. Pretty badass please. I had this on the way over. I've got hands-free in the car, guys. Pretty badass. So I'm having a little business call. Wait, you're hands-free calling? Hands-free calling. Do you have caller ID? Oh, yeah.

I know who's calling at all times. Do you have call waiting? Unless it's an unknown number. Do you have call waiting? Call waiting. Do you have iTunes? I've got Star 69. I've got iTunes. Hold on.

Do you have iTunes? iTunes. Holy shit. Do you have an automatic car? Shuffle. Automatic. Automatic transmission. Power windows. Trunk. So wait.

Do you know when you run out of gas? Or do you have to put a dipper in? Does anything come on when the light goes off? Oh yeah. I've got many alerts to tell me what's going on with my car at all times. When someone does the roll down your window sign, do you even know what that means? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's someone who wants me to suck them off for money.

Got it. Got it. And I always say yes. Okay. Let's play the call. Wait. What? What were you saying about hands-free?

Oh, yeah. I just meant it's a nightmare to call somebody. Okay. Let's play the call. What were you saying about hands-free? Yeah. I just meant it's a nightmare to call somebody. Sorry. I was just talking to a guy I had never talked to about doing a job coming up. And I'm just working out the details of this thing. And I was realizing how this is the first phone conversation I've had this year. And at the end of it, I'm like, do I have to ask this guy about his weekend? Like what he's going to do this weekend?

How does this work? How do we end this? Emotionally, I cannot call anyone for anything besides my wife and my parents. I can't. If I had to call Jordan, I would get so nervous.

Totally! Literally to the point where I've always been afraid to call people on the telephone. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It's not like I have a particular fear. I've always been afraid of it. I think that just that they'll get confused and it'll be my fault or something. I don't know what it is, but I will literally I am so grateful to be so deeply

in love for so many reasons with my brilliant and beautiful wife, Teresa. The main one is that if we need to order pizza, she's willing to call every time. I cannot. I do not want to pick up the phone. And if I do it,

if I make myself do it, it's fine. I don't have a problem with the doing of it. But like, I would give someone just to call pizza. Like to call for pizza. If there was

a guy, like an Uber type guy who would call for pizza on your behalf, I would pay him $3. You're talking about one step above Postmates, like someone who not only picks it up but also calls for it. I want to order pizza. How do you talk to him? You text him.

I'm talking about a guy who's just hanging out next to me and he's like, don't want to pick up, don't want to dial that number because you might say the wrong thing and confuse them. I'll do it for you. Three bucks. I'm in. I'm like, one, two, three. Here you go.

Bam. I'm digging around in my car for a parking change. This is a good business. Yeah. This is a really good business. You got to hang around the right people. Yeah. It hinges on you hanging around someone all day.

Sometimes I'll make my, Derek, my partner, listen to voicemails that I've received before I do, even though I'm not expecting bad news. I'm just like, do they hate me? It could be from your secret family. You're always rolling your dice. Brian, it's Karen. When are you coming home? The kids need you.

This sales trip is particularly long. Wrong number. Okay, play Dan's call. The context is I've taken to going out at night walking between about midnight and 2 a.m. because I like to go to sleep, but that's when my neighbors play their music the loudest. So I was just walking down a residential street at about one in the morning when what caught my eye was a flickering light, and as I come around this corner, there is a fire on the side of this house, directly under the doorbell, directly next to the front door,

this, you know, human head-sized ball of flame chewing on the tall dry grass next to the house. So I do the right thing and dance over there and stomp out the fire. I take the water bottle out of my backpack and pour some water on top of this half-melted recycling bin, which I think was someone's ashtray up until that point, and left the smoldering mess in the middle of their walkway and thought about knocking on the door, but decided I'd just let them wake up to their good fortune tomorrow morning, or this morning as it is. Love the show. Bye-bye.

Okay. He had to get credit somewhere. What way to burst the bubble of that island. Yeah. Yeah. That idyllic. Remember that picture you painted? That beautiful painter of light that you are with words?

Yeah. And then he just ruined it. Talk about a painter of light with words. He's a good storyteller. You know what? I take it all back. Dan is lucky that they make Paw Patrol in Canada because he just became an honorary Paw Patroller.

Yeah, right. I'll also say this. White noise. I don't know how loud this music is, something that has saved me several times because my neighbor, who I share a wall with, has three children under the age of five i do love and nothing wrong with children but they are screamers constant scream they might be pigs they could be pigs children pigs murder victims those are some of your top i have to say i would have knocked on the door just to get the thank you but i would have been too scared but also that i do love that he's walking around between midnight and 2 a.m. with a backpack.

Yeah. Like in case of something. Yeah. You never know. He's got to get up on some trains just in case he sees a chance to get up. That's right. Who are these music hoodlums ruining the beautiful, quaint village? You know, it's Canada, so it might be the Barenaked Ladies.

It could be the Barenaked Ladies. You know, I might be thinking specifically of Victoria Island. Oh, you are. Which might be a part of larger Victoria. Yes. So I can only speak to the island life there. Well, I think we can figure this out. And Jordan, you're a detective.

Sure. Which one has the Barenaked Ladies? Well, only when I'm on vacation. Oh, good question. I think if I had to guess, Victoria Island would not have the Barenaked Ladies. Right. That's more new pornographers territory. Honestly, yeah, maybe.

Maybe a little more new pornographers, yeah. Canadians, hit us up. Where do the Barenaked Ladies live? Yeah. Let us know. We're on Twitter at IamPapaJohn. I think I actually want to know. You want to know where the Barenaked Ladies live? Yeah. I do think it's on the West Coast. Yeah. Let us know. We're on Twitter at IamPapaJohn. I think I actually want to know. You want to know where the naked ladies live?

Yeah. I do think it's on the West Coast. Yeah. I mean, I've heard there's a place in France where the naked ladies dance, but I don't know if this is a similar thing. Yeah. What kind of dancing do they do? It's through a hole in the wall.

Oh, sexual dancing. Yeah. I've only seen it through a hole in the wall, so I can't really be sure, but I think it's a kind of a sexual date. We all collectively forgot the second part of that song. Yeah. I also, we also have one last call. This is from our friend Law Threeper.

Jordan Jesse Goh, listener non-parole, if I may use the language of the naked lady. I love that term, by the way. Thank you. Yeah. Threeps. Threeps called in last week. He's had cancer surgery this week. So let's take a listen to the call.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, possible guests. And hello to my favorite people at Maximum Sunset Headquarters. I hope you guys are doing okay. This is Al. I'm calling you from Savannah. I'm calling you from my hospital bed where I am high as a painkiller right now.

I just had a dream that Guy Fieri was eating a plate of Guy Fieri's face. That's wonderful. Surgery went really well I'm paralyzed on the right side of my face But it could be a lot worse So I'm not really going to be too complaining about that But I appreciate you guys And all the support you did

I love you, bye guys Aw, thanks bud That's quite an amazing dream What a terrible psyche you must have. Yeah, I'm glad we didn't just hear about that important cancer surgery. It's good to leaven that with a little bit of Guy Fieri eating his own face. Which, by the way, I feel like Guy Fieri would do if he saw a plate of his face. Sure, if he was made out of, like, velvet.

He'd be like, looks great. Yeah, if it has enough ranch dressing on it. Yeah, it would need some horsey sauce. Oh, man, what's better? You mean donkey sauce? Yeah, donkey sauce. What is donkey sauce. Oh, man. You mean donkey sauce? Yeah, donkey sauce. What is donkey sauce? I wish I didn't know that.

Horsey sauce is what Arby's would have. I'm sure Guy Fieri's not turning up his nose at horsey sauce, though. You know, Brian and I ate at his restaurant in Las Vegas. I've also eaten at his restaurant in Las Vegas. Did you have the garbage can nachos? Yes, I did have the garbage can nachos. Wait, is that what they're called? They're not just a cup in a garbage can.

Is that true? I don't remember. They dump them in the... I only remember because I think I was the only one who saw them. The table next to us got it and I was like, what are they carrying in a tin pail? And then they dump it on your plate upside down. It's called garbage can nachos. Like a raccoon.

Like a raccoon... For real though? Yeah. That's a fucking great dining concept. It is. though yeah that's a fucking great dining concept it is by the way i have to say in dining i know that like they say they don't but they they do that like good food and novelty don't go well together who cares i love a novelty restaurant and i love a novelty presentation sure there's nothing better yeah you should get into molecular gastronomy. I guess I should.

Yeah, you should. But you know what? That doesn't look good. They'll encapsulate any goddamn thing in a bubble. Did you go to Bazaar? I've never been. Jose Andres or whatever? I went to Bazaar one time. I was not that into it. Is it good or is it just sort of cool to see? You don't leave full.

That's the place where you get like a frozen beet and then you get a frozen beet and then you get a carrot that's been whipped into a foam. See, I want a choo-choo train delivering tater tots. You know what I mean? That's the kind of garbage pail full of nachos.

I am just immature enough to where that would really turn me on. What if it's a choo-choo train delivering tuna tartare? Oh. I don't like a highbrow, lowbrow. Okay. You want all or nothing. Yeah.

Okay. It's a choo-choo delivery. You're a tots. Yeah. You're a unibrow guy. I'm more of a unibrow person. Got it. So, yeah.

206-984-4FUN, our number. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Brian Safi, the rose. Aaron Gibson, you know it. There it is.

There it is. I'm bailing now. I'm out on that one. You know it. There it is. There it is. There's all that. I'm bailing now. I'm out on that one. You don't like it anymore? I like the emphatic presentation, but I'm bailed. No, I'm out. I don't have anything. I think the thing is, it's just the Rose is so fucking good.

Well, next time, Brian should go last. Oh, fuck you, Aaron. Wait, do you think he'll have worse if he has more time to think about it no I'm just saying if his is the best he should go last because mine is never going to be good and so why hang me out to dry you know like this is all of your fault

it is Aaron, Brian it's been a joy to have you on as always always great to see our friends Aaron and Brian. Since the days before Throwing Shade was a podcast. That's right. That's right.

Since you guys had to come over to my house to do Jordan, Jesse, go. I have a question. Did Jennifer Love Hewitt have something to do with your house ever? She was murdered there. Is there no connection between Jennifer Love Hewitt and the house you used to live in? No, not as far as I know.

Jennifer Love Hewitt never owned it? Okay, never mind. She's not your, wasn't your landlord? I could have sworn, I don't know. It was Jennifer Jason Lee. It was Jennifer Jason Lee.

Maybe the last time I was at her house, she came up. Maybe that's it. Because in my head on the way over, I was like, because I was thinking

about the last, or one of the last times, and I was like, oh, Jennifer Love Hewitt used to own his house. That's how rumors get started. You should start telling people that. That's a feather in your cap. Everyone would believe it. You know what it is? Jennifer Love Hewitt owned the airspace above my head. I see. She had the air rights. She had the air rights.

That's what it was. For her drones, yeah. For Lufkiewicz drones. She has, frankly, and I'm going to be frank with you, Erin, because I believe that you deserve it. Thank you. She has too many drones. There's a drone collection and then there's a drone army and she's crossed the line. Yeah.

She's preparing for something, you think. We need legislation. She's preparing to overthrow the government. The craziest game of telephone. I swear I'm going to shut up right now. I mean, I would support Jennifer Love Hewitt's drone overthrowing of the nation. The craziest game of telephone I ever did or heard about. And then I'm done.

You don't have to be done. A lady. No. I told my friend Jesse a long time ago that I had seen. I was at a hotel working some event right when I moved here. And Natalie Cole was there, the singer. And I said, oh, I saw Natalie Cole at this hotel. Da-da-da-da.

And a year later, the story came back to me as there was an earthquake in L.A. Natalie Cole was in a hotel. And then she panicked during the earthquake and hid under a coffee table and ate fettuccine alfredo. That is the story that came back to me. They were like, were you in a hotel room with Natalie Cole and there was an earthquake and she hid under the table and ate fettuccine alfredo? That's the story that came back to me. Oh, my God. So anyway.

That is crazy. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. I wish my social circle was fun like yours. Was she eating it off the ground? You don't know. She got room service even though there was an earthquake. Oh, yeah. Fine China.

Come on. Would you not send Fettuccine Alfredo to Natalie Cole? Of course. To a star of her magnitude? I mean, to get to do something like that, that's unforgettable. Yeah. She was a talent. Thank you.

Nice job. She's good in everything. Thank you, Natalie Cole. Unforgettable. Unfor unforgettable. Nice job. Thank you. Nice job. She's good in everything. Thank you, Natalie Cole. Unforgettable. Good job. You guys host the podcast Throwing Shade. Every Thursday. It's a favorite in our house.

Often on in our house when children are not available. That's fair. It's not good to listen around children. Not appropriate for children. But often on in our house, favorite of mine and a favorite of my wife, Teresa's. It's very nice. What happens on this podcast for anybody who's not already a subscriber for some reason? Well, we talk about issues affecting women and LGBT people.

And try to make them funny. And try to make them funny. And also a lot of – I mean that stuff's a laugh riot these days too, right? These days. These days it's especially funny. But no, I guess we try to sort of make them funny so that you can feel on top of them and not feel weighed

down by them. And then there's also lots of talk about groceries. And what happens in Los Angeles. Like just general shitting on Los Angeles talk. Yeah. You also get involved in very, like if you think that the kind of like conceptual and character elements of Jordan and Jesse Goh are strange?

Can I recommend the podcast Throwing Shades to you to put it in context? Like every third episode, something so bizarre. You guys will yes and each other to a place that is beyond comprehension. Yeah, that's fair. And yes, we do. My favorite thing from this week was only that my mom had brought it up. There's a guy that she lives near now in Missouri and his name's Chalky Crumpy. Chalky Crumpy.

Chalky Crumpy. So if that doesn't dangle a carrot in front of your rabbit eyes. There's a lot of Chalky Crumpy talk. My rabbit eyes are bugging out of my rabbit head at this point because you had mentioned a woman named uh lurleen lurleen she was the lurleen wallace was the first governor of arkansas she was a true piece of shit she was married to george wallace the segregationist and because of term limits there um he couldn't run so she ran even though everyone knew like he'd be oh he'll just be running the show. But anyway,

her name was Lurleen. And Aaron said, I have a name that beats Lurleen. Chalky, chalky, crumpy in my mind. And this is the same, like in my mind,

judge John Hodgman, we've been doing that show for five years. I can only remember if you ask me for an example of a case, I can't, I could, there's only one that I remember. It's about these brothers who couldn't agree on whether to patch up a bat hole in their bathroom. Uh-huh.

And so, like, that's all. So in my mind, Judge Sean Hodgman is the bat podcast. I'm on that podcast. Sure. One of the first Throwing Shade episodes that I listened to has, in my mind, defined what Throwing Shade is about. that I listen to has, in my mind, defined what Throwing Shade is about. And like a lot of people would say,

oh, it's about women's issues and LGBT issues. Or in my mind, it's about different things Erin has lost in her private part. Oh, by the way, I quickly abandoned that after I got in a relationship because all I started getting, I had to start considering another human being in this whole thing.

Now, now he's back on board with it. I'm going to start doing it again. Right. Yeah. There is that weird thing, like we both got into relationships while the podcast was going on

and we found ourselves being like, if they heard this, they would be disgusted. Like, it would change everything. So there was like a minute when she got in a relationship where she became a little more tame and the same with me, but now we're just

back to our old tricks. As someone who is dating, I don't know if you guys have heard this term these days, but sometimes you'll be going out with someone, you think it's going good, and they'll ghost you. Oh. Yes. I thought you were going to ask if I knew what dating was. Have you heard?

I do. That's when somebody pulls up next to you. Rolls down the window. Rolls down the old-fashioned window. So she ghosted you. So I've – yes. So my recent dating life has been marred by ghosting, which I get. And I've done it myself and I'm not proud. I wish I hadn't.

The times I've done it. Yeah. It's rude. You owe the person an explanation. I don't think I do. I actually't. The times I've done it. Yeah. It's rude. You owe the person an explanation. I don't think I do. I actually don't think you do. Context is everything. Oh, interesting.

I think to a certain point. Context is everything. If you're on three dates and you ghost, whatever. But if you're like a month in and you ghost, it's not okay. Sure. Yeah. I think there's a cutoff point. Yeah.

I think you could argue about what that cutoff point is. But sure. I agree. Yeah. You're keeping your dating life focused, by the way. I was a machine when I was dating. It was probably too cold. Anyway, when you get this ghost, when you send that text that doesn't come back, my first thought is always like, fuck, they listened to the podcast.

Fuck. That's it. It was too dumb. Too much too soon. Yes. It's just me talking about my balls. Aren't they doing you a favor? Because anybody you want to be with is going – that you'd want to be with would be charmed by you. No, I know. Couldn't disagree more.

You know. No, not in your case. I think there is such a thing as too much too soon. I think so too. Yeah. And obviously like, yeah, I mean maybe like when you get to know me, you think the like vulgarity is like, oh, this is kind of – you know, he's being funny. He's being – you know, he's just being outrageous. But I think maybe you would hear this and go like –

But they know you're a comedy writer. I guess I would get it if they were like, oh, I'm dating this accountant and he also has this podcast and he's doing that. It would help if our show was funny. I think that's – If it had jokes or any kind of – No, but it's like anything else. And if you go straight from, I don't know, tricycle to motorcycle, then that's too much. That's too fast. All the way to bombsicle.

Yeah, yeah. I did get nervous when he told me he'd listen to the podcast. Of course. I asked him not to, actually. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Can I change it to creamsicle? Please.

Yes. That's too quick. I was trying to think of a type of popsicle, like a brand. Creamsicle's good. Bomb Pop is a type, but it's not called a bombsicle. But a creamsicle is called a creamsicle. The white part of a Bomb Pop was my favorite. Oh, yeah.

And then it's a nice part. What flavor is that? Red, white, blue. Like the rocket. I know. What flavor is what I'm asking? Red, white, and blue. The flavors of the colors.

I don't know, actually. Is it raspberry? Lemon lime, maybe? Red, white, and blue. The flavors of the colors. I don't know, actually. It's raspberry? Lemon lime, maybe? Democracy? Cherry? Freedom? Liberty? Maybe lime. The blood of the servicemen and women who gave their lives for the country. That's what the fucking Padres should do. Eat those popsicles.

USA. USA. Daniel Baruella on the boards this week. Sonny D. Brian Fernandez probably fucking taking a nap right now. I know. Classic napper. Classic Fernandez just out there napping around. We're not being racist, by the way.

You've heard the expression. Yeah, it's Portuguese. Portuguese. Portuguese. Fernandez is Portuguese. Guys, stop checking in about whether you have new shoes. Sorry. Sorry. Can you wait three minutes until we're done with the credits? Fernandez is Portuguese. Guys, stop checking in about whether you have new shoes. Can you wait three minutes until we're done with the credits? We just want to wait for the other person to get new shoes.

I'm sorry. Brian and Aaron, of course, from the Throwing Shade podcast. You can find that at MaximumFun.org or in Apple Podcasts, whatever podcast software you use. Join us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com, on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo on Facebook and the MaxFun group. Those are the main ways. And, of course, remember to send your corrections and updates to at I am Papa John. We'll talk to you next time. Thank you for having us.

Of course. Thank you. I'm Jordan Jessico. you next time. Thank you for having us. Of course. Thank you. I'm Jordan Jessico.

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