Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 481: Pigeons of the Water with Steve Agee

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

Comedian and actor Steve Agee joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Steve's video game hiatus, Peter Dinklage sightings, and the Max Fun team's run-in with an unsavory character on the streets of Los Angeles.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm pumped up, Jordan. Pumped? I took a nap and had a Dr. Pepper. Hey, check you out.

That's the old one-two, the classic one-two punch. Yeah, that's a Jesse Thorne speedball. You got it, buddy. Now, what's a traditional speedball? It's speed and cocaine, right? No, that's heroin and cocaine. Heroin and cocaine. I think it's heroin and cocaine. But with you- You inject it. You're a sober man. Yeah. You have migraine, so you watch your caffeine intake. Yeah, this morning I had to take my migraine medication.

That's a downer. So if you really want to juice yourself up, a little nap, a little DP. Yeah, exactly. I actually learned it from Kirk Hammett. And what you do, you shoot it right into a vein underneath your ball sack, right? Well, I've run out of arm veins. I ran out of leg veins. So I've got to get right up there in the tank.

Under the ball sack it is. You know what I do? And this is something that only experienced IV Dr. Pepper users know about. Because it takes real skill. I balance the Dr. Pepper syringe pointing up on the ground. And then I just sit right down on it. Oh, nice. But you got to aim right. Or else you're going to get it in the butt. I actually OD'd. pepper syringe pointing up on the ground and then i just sit right down on it oh nice but you gotta

you gotta aim right or else you're gonna get it in i actually od'd and was legally dead for 20 minutes because i did the same thing with a dr star oh wow yeah well when you're using dr star you don't know what they've cut it no you don't know what has wal? I think Walmart. I think it's a Safeway thing. Safeway? Yeah. Vons? One of those. Yeah. Kroger? What does the Kroger cut it with?

Yeah. You don't know. And you know, it's half pure prune soda. Yeah. And then just like half baking powder. You never know. You never know what kind of product you're going to get. Our guest on this week's program, a beloved friend of the show, almost always willing to come here

at the drop of a hat. We have a miscommunication with another guest. We holler at movie star Steve Agee. Holla. That's your boy. Steve Agee from Blockbuster Film. By which I mean he works at Blockbuster Video. The only one left in LA.

Oh, Steve Agee, what a pleasure to have you here, as ever. Thank you, boys. If that Blockbuster closes down, do you think you could get a job at The Last American Apparel? Oh. And just be at the last of everything? Are those going out of business? I think they're done, yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of talk on Reddit menswear forums that they were selling their wooden hangers cheap.

Oh, boy. Does that appeal to you? Are you a wooden hanger guy? Absolutely. Well, the thing is, you've got to support the shoulders of the garment. I understand no wire hangers, but what about the plastic ones? Do you use those? Well, they don't support the shoulders of the garment.

Oh. I mean, I will occasionally, I'll admit, look, I wasn't born with a diamond spoon up my ass. Okay, so I will occasionally use a broad-shouldered

plastic hanger. There you go. But I prefer a wooden hanger. Do you hang your pants with those clamp, the hangers with clamps on them? I love those clamps. You like a clamp? I do, too. Oh, I love it.

But I like a wooden clamp that goes all the way across and has a little bump for the seam in the middle. I know exactly what you're talking about. Those are great. Clamp it down. You know, I also like to go to American Apparels that are going out of business, because I love posters of women who look drugged up and don't know that they're having their picture taken. What was that dude's name? Terry something? Dov Charney.

Dov Charney. Was that his name? Oh, no. Terry Richardson. Terry Richardson. Terry Richardson. Two famous scumbags. Just two monsters.

Yeah. Every time you just, what, how, why would you associate with this person? Sure. How does this person get a second job after they got a first job? Yeah, it seemed like at the height of Terry Richardson as a scumbag, the shoots just got more high profile. Yeah. It's like, why is Meg Ryan doing this? Sure.

You know what I mean? Like, how did he convince Burt Reynolds to go in there for that. You know what I mean? Like, how did he convince Burt Reynolds to go in there for that? You know what I mean? Well, I think with Burt Reynolds, he prefers that when someone's taking his picture, they're also jacking off.

Yeah. That's how Burt prefers to work. Jacking off. Jacking off. Yeah. Well, we're off to a good start. I was thinking about... Steve Agee, stand-up comic, actor.

Guardian. Top build in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Top build. I think I was like 70 on the call sheet. Um, now do you refer to yourself as a guardian despite the fact that you played a Ravager? No, I'm a Ravager. I'm a Ravager Jordan. Some would say that's cooler.

I agree. Yeah. I played a cassette tape. Oh, good very funny in that movie by the way yeah it was really fun and um i only just recently saw it and noticed they cut a bunch of my stuff do you want to do some of the scenes uh i'll be i'll be groot be steve i'll be a cassette tape yeah you got to be a zune okay they have zunes in the new one i shouldn't say well it's not a spoiler spoilers for guardians there's a very funny zune joke at the end perhaps the finest zune joke ever committed to film wow probably the only one yeah yeah it could be

the only one yeah yeah but it's you know uh yeah. I wouldn't say there's a lot of other Zune humor. Yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, yeah, great Zune joke. I hope it's one of those wood grain Zunes. Was that a thing? Yeah, they had brown wood grain Zunes. They did? Yeah, because Zunes are great. It was, I will say, I might be misremembering, but I think it is brown, but it was not wood grain.

Really? Classic. Yeah, I think you might be right. Classic poop Zune original. Original poop Zune. Earth tone Zune. Yeah. I have several Zunes. Do you really? Well, because Jordan and I are known Zune enthusiasts. No. Yes, I was quoted in the New York Times Magazine on the topic of Zune. Yeah, we are probably the we were the two longest Zune holdouts. Wow.

We're like, it's any day now, America's going to catch on. I had a Zune Classic and a Zune HD, which is the smaller Zune with the touchscreen instead of the wheel. Yeah, I had both types of Zune as well. And we have a friend of the program whose name I won't give in case this is against the rules, but a friend of the program whose wedding I officiated some years ago who works at Microsoft in a different non-Zune division. But my Zune broke or something like that. Sure.

And he emailed me, want some Zunes? And I was like, some Zunes. And I was like, what do you mean? And just one day a box arrived at my door. And with the explanation that at Microsoft, I guess, in Seattle or whatever, Redmond, Washington, they just have a room where abandoned shit goes. Like broken old Xbox 360, promotional versions of Xbox 360. And anyone can just take it. promotional versions of Xbox 360 and anyone can just take it.

Sort of like if you work on a television show, maybe there's like a box of unwanted promotional crap that arrived. If you work on a talk show or something, you know, like just a box of, um, you know, hats for swamp people.

So were Zunes a thing of the past when this had happened? Yeah. Zunes were, had already been discontinued, but I just got a box of like tester Zunes. And so I like five zoons so i mean i think i think you know i think something that the the guardians franchise has done very well it's kind of revive you know breathe some new life into these old forgotten characters yeah yeah groot yondo yondo the old forgotten kid yeah i didn't know Bradley Cooper

Bradley Cooper Sure Vincent Diesel Yeah Yeah Bradley Cooper was actually erased From continuity During

During the Secret Wars Well He had lost that fight To Booster Golds From the DC Universe It is yeah God damn it Are you comic book guys

I didn't know I didn't even know What Guardians Of the Galaxy were Before he made that movie i was i know about a window of comic book things having to do with spider-man primarily yeah from i'm gonna say 1989 to 1992 right 93 i've got a window where i i can if you want to talk about eric larson the guy who drew spider-Man, then invented the Savage Dragon, then yeah, I'm on board for that.

Jordan has more contemporary comic book knowledge. Yeah, but I liked comics as a kid and read them pretty consistently with some breaks when I was trying to get girls to like me. And then decided, fuck it, right? Fuck it, right, boys? Come on. Fuck it, right, boys? Come on. Fuck it, girls. So with periodic breaks, I've read comics pretty consistently, and I had not heard of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

So, yeah, so my proposal, if you can awaken these old characters. Not even mini Groot? No, not even mini Groot. Mini Groot. Lil Groot. Lil Groot. Lil Groot. L-I-L. Maybe the kids see this Guardians. They see this handsome poop Zune at the end.

I got to get me one of those. I want to be like my hero Star-Lord. Are you talking about an actual Zune or is that just what you call Chris Pratt? Yeah. He's my Zune. Yeah. My son and my Zune, or is that just what you call Chris Pratt? Yeah, he's my Zune. My son and my Zune. Maybe the second coming. I guess there was no first coming of the Zune, so it never came.

Steve, you didn't come to my wedding. How do you know about my wedding vows? What? My son and my Zune. That would be amazing. sun in my suit that would be amazing yeah um speaking of broken xboxes steve whenever i see you my instinct is to always ask you talk games just to like talk about a video game and to see if you play it yeah see if you've played it but you are a year and some change with no video games yeah i'm about a year and five months off of video games. What is that about? Were you playing video games compulsively?

I was playing way too much. And it was a huge problem. I could play easily 10 hours a day. Wow. And I think the last game I was playing was Metal Gear. Okay. And that was a huge world. Boy, this is the phantom pain.

Yeah. I would wake up in the morning go i'm gonna go out and run errands and get some coffee and but first i'm just gonna play for half an hour yeah but first i'm gonna i'm gonna trank dart more rabbits and attach balloons to them fuck man and then the whole day was gone wait is that part of the game trank darting rabbits and attaching balloons that That game was good. It's really fun. It's a great game.

That was a good game. Yeah, you trank dart. It's about correcting resources to upgrade mother base. Sorry if this is going to trigger you, Steve. No, no, no. I'm over it. Okay. This is like pouring a drink in front of an alcoholic, I realize.

Smoking. I'm a little worried that you're going to trigger me with re-Skyrim. Can you just be careful not to bring up gathering lavender? Yes, I can. Boy, there is a lot of that shit in this game. You have to gather resources to upgrade Mother Base, which is a sea base where you live with your men and your nice dog. Yep.

And a big part of that is tranking animals out in the wild and attaching balloons to them, and it shoots them up in the air, takes them back to Mother Base. To everything. You can balloon a car, people. Yeah, dudes, shipping containers that have minerals in them. This does kind of make me want to play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My Xbox has a broken disk drive, so I can't really play games on there anymore.

I just use it to watch videos. But my greatest worry is I consider myself a good father. You know, I really love my three children, and I really care about them a lot. And my— Do you know all three of their names? Pop quiz, hot shot. What's your child's name? Any order. It doesn't have to be birth order.

Curtis is the youngest. The middle one is Oscar. I want to say the oldest one is called Gathering Lavender. GL. My greatest worry is that they will have a new Skyrim because it's bound to happen eventually.

Sure. I mean, it's been years since the last- New Destiny is coming out soon. I thought about getting Witcher because I heard it was like Skyrim. I've held off because I was like, I don't need to get a thing just because it's like Skyrim. Skyrim was so good. But if they come out with a new Skyrim, I'm going to get it. What was the last one they did, Elder Scrolls, that it didn't?

There was some online thing that I hear was not good. Yeah, it didn't. I played that and Skyrim was maybe the best. If a new one comes out, I'm going to be at Target or whatever with my $500 or whatever it costs to buy a new Xbox or PlayStation. And just give me the Skyrim machine. Yeah. And I'm going to abandon my family. Yeah.

Yeah, I would probably still be playing Skyrim if my game hadn't gotten a glitch in it. That's what made me stop. Did you, like, lose a save? that's what made me stop. Did you like lose a save? No, it was just doing this weird thing where like characters were just disappearing and like pop it like just kind of strobing and it was

just really annoying and I just stopped. They came out with a fix for it, you know, but I luckily used that as my way out. But not after playing like 200 hours. It's like when an ex calls you and says, hey, I got sober. And you're like, good for you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.

Exactly. Did you put away your video game machine? Did you put it in a closet? It's in the closet. It's not even near the TV. Are you still using it to stream MLB.TV? Because I would be lost without MLB.TV. From Xbox?

Yeah, that's what all I got on there is my MLB.TV because I would be lost with that MLB.TV. From Xbox? Yeah, that's what all I got on there is my MLB.TV. No, I got Netflix in there too. I used to use Netflix on there too, but then,

yeah, I just put it in the closet. Guys, I have a smart TV as well. Me too. Netflix on my TV. My TV's not that smart. I went over,

I was over it. That's what I call it. That's a little something I like to call comedy. Okay. I have a smart TV. I'll tell you the truth. It's not that smart. Okay.

What do you think your TV's IQ is? Less than my mother-in-law, and she's as dumb as a rock. Okay. Oh, boy. She's not. she's a marriage and family therapist she's quite bright that's an advanced degree so Steve so you were you super into the

destiny the game that also rewards obsessive constant play I was way into destiny until I got to a point where it's you were doing the same missions over and over grinding and just like I have friends that are still playing it yeah but so all the first shit is starting You were doing the same missions over and over, grinding and just like... I have friends that are still playing it.

Yeah. But so all the first shit is starting to come out for Destiny 2. Are you seeing it online and saying, I'm going to get there. I got to get up in that. I'm seeing nothing about it. I'm just hearing about it from my friends who are still playing it. They're like, well, you got to get your Xbox out for Destiny 2. And it's really

tempting. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Did you play it? No, I didn't play Destiny. That's not my cup of tea. But it looks very cool. And I appreciated the meme going around from it, that wizard lives on the moon. Yeah, that was amazing.

There was a early beta of Destiny that came out with the voice of Peter Dinklage as a robot helper. Yes. And after you kill a certain guy, he says, that wizard came from the moon. Yeah. And everyone hated it so much that they replaced his voice. Yeah, that was a pretty good Dinklage. Yeah, they didn't like Dinklage.

They didn't like Dinklage? They didn't like his performance? I think what happened- No, it was a pretty good Dinklage. Yeah, they didn't like Dinklage. They didn't like Dinklage? They didn't like his performance? I think what happened... No, it was a very dry read. You got to figure that what happens is you give Dinklage his $50,000 and you get an hour. That's what it felt like. Dinklage comes in. He's like, I got to get back to working on writing plays.

Sure. But I'll give you an hour for 50 grand. And we blow through this thing. Yeah, that wizard came from the moon. Can we get another one? No. We got to go. We got to go.

No. I talk like this all the time. This is what I talk like. This is what I talk like all the time. I'm Dinklage. That's me. God, it would be great to be friends with Dinklage. I was just working in Palm Springs.

And day one, I was sitting in the hotel lobby. I just checked in. But my room wasn't ready yet. one I was sitting in the hotel lobby. I just checked in but my room wasn't ready yet so I'm sitting in the lobby and out of the corner of my eye over at the front desk I see a little person with a whole bunch of other people and I didn't want to stare or anything but

in my head I go, oh there's a little person because you don't see them all the time. Right, sure. And then I go back to him, you know, looking at Twitter on right sure and then i go back to him you know looking at twitter on my phone and then i hear him speak and i go it's fucking dinklage in my hotel and i turn and sure enough with a the big like a beard like to rival yours jesse it was wow he had a big big little dinklage beard i saw him once. The great highlight of my life in Los Angeles, my star-strewn life in Los Angeles, was one time when I was in the Los Feliz Goodwill and Peter Dinklage and a couple of—

This was before Game of Thrones. This was not movie star Peter. I mean, granted, he had starred in Station Agent. Sure. He was a successful actor. Yeah. Elf. Elf.

Station Agent was great. Station Agent was great. Terrific movie. Peter Dinklage is great in everything. He was great in that not entirely successful Michael Showalter romantic comedy. Oh, yeah. Slash romantic comedy deconstruction. The Baxter?

Yeah. That had some good things and some things that didn't quite work. Yeah. Dinklage was one of the things that worked. He was great. Ark on 30 Rock. Yeah. Fantastic.

Dinklage is there, and it was the same thing. It was like out of the corner of your eye, you see a little person with several people attending them. Like just people with like notepads writing down. Whoa, notepads. You know what I mean? Like just like people, they were like production people. Yeah.

And it was obvious that like he was in charge of something. Were they scouting? It was Goodwill you said? Yeah. They were either scouting or looking for wardrobe inspirations or something like that. And I only saw out of the back of the corner of my eye, I just saw a very small person with people taking notes. And I thought, I wonder if that's Peter Dinklage. I mean, it's got, I mean, could be Warwick Davis.

Or the guy from Seinfeld. That's a guy named Warwick Davis. Sure, Warwick Davis. Yeah, that's got, I mean, could be Warwick Davis. Or the guy from Seinfeld. That's a guy named Warwick Davis. Yeah, that's Willow. And I look around. Yeah, it's Dinklage. Dinklage. Look at that handsome son of a bitch. Fuck.

I look back. You can't get just, anytime you see a movie star, you can't get too involved in it. No. You got to let them be. You got to let them use the goodwill as they will. Yeah. Let them buy 80s paintings of flamingos. Exactly.

I've been thinking about it ever since the time when my life and Peter Dinklage's life passed by like ships in the night. We've been trying to get Peter Dinklage on Bullseye since before Game of Thrones. Wow, for real. And no dice. Peter Dinklage is very choosy about his breath.

I saw him at the Gelson's in Los Feliz, the one over on Franklin, one night, and I wanted to go up and say hello to him, but I was too afraid to. Yeah. And I had an in. I had done karaoke with his brother. That's a great opener. And I wanted to go, hey, I've met your brother. Yeah. Steve, are you a guy, I've met your brother. Yeah.

Steve, are you a guy who will karaoke? Not usually. Okay. No. In a pinch. It was my landlord had a karaoke room. Oh, okay. So it was one of those nights where I was like, I'll go up and karaoke with you guys.

Wait, your landlord had a karaoke in the building? Okay, so. Didn't you say he had a karaoke room? I thought you just meant that he had rented one of those private rooms at a karaoke parlor. No, no. So I used to rent Ken Marino's guest house. Sure. This was around 2009 or 2010.

This was before Ken Marino fell in with Mexican cinema's greatest star, Eugenio Derbez. Years before. Five or six years before. And Ken and Joe Latruglio built a karaoke room in Ken's house. Oh, wow. I had a knock on my door one morning, and it was Ken and Joe, and I had a truck at the time. And they go, they were both really excited, like two little kids on Christmas. They're like, hey, can we borrow your truck?

We want to go buy lumber. I go, for what? And he goes, we're going to build a karaoke room upstairs. I gave him the keys. I'm like, yeah, right. And then that night, it was done. That night? They built it in a day. They built a room?

I think they got a guy to help them. Wow. But they built it. They named it Nine Tight because it was as big as this room that we're recording in right now. That's quite small. And it could fit nine people tight. Nine tight. Oh, boy. So it's called Nine Tight. How could you not give your keys to Joe Lutruleo and Ken Marino?

They come up to you. You're looking at two of the stars of this state. Yeah. You're looking at the screenwriter of Diggers. Yeah. Yeah, sure. That was a good movie. Based on his father.

You're looking at the star to be of Brooklyn Nine-Nine And Burning Love Sure A lot of great Wet Hot Between those two men Still one of my favorite scenes in Wet Hot Is Ken Marino driving his van into a tree while singing

That shit is so funny Just he's singing and looking straight ahead Where the tree would be And then just all of a sudden snapping into reality Oh shit Yeah What's the song he's singing? Looking straight ahead where the tree would be. And then just all of a sudden snapping into reality. Oh, shit. Yeah. What's the song he's singing?

I was, yeah, it's. Even though we ain't got money. Hell yeah. I'm so in love with your money. Everything I'll take. Oh, fuck. Yeah. God, it's so good.

So funny. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host the weekly comedy podcast, One Bad Mother. We celebrate our moments of parenting genius. As well as our failures. Just like, we're going to have hot dogs. And I'm like, no, we're having fun.

Everybody loves hot dogs. Yeah. And it just like smashes that thing right on my chest. And then I'm just crying in the middle of like kids space while people are like literally dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it.

Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you coming in. Who do you think Steve was replacing? Why don't you submit all your guesses to at IamPapaJohn on Twitter. Just holler at IamPapaJohn. The other day, I took a few of my colleagues out. And you're going to think I'm big-timing here. And the truth is, to some extent, I am. I took a few colleagues out, and you're going to think I'm big-timing here. And the truth is, to some extent, I am. I took a few colleagues out for pupusas.

I said, as many as you can eat, it's on me. Where? At the pupusaria down the block. There's a nice pupusaria called— Pupusaria. Well, the thing is, I would tell you, it's called los molcajetes. Yeah. Like jugs. Yeah. Yeah. Like jugs.

Yeah. Bowls or jugs. But there's three different unrelated pupusarias within a mile of here that are all called Molcajetes. No way. Yeah. I figured that out one time when I was like because pupusas take so long like pupusas are one of those foods where you go in and you order it and then you're like and i don't know if it's about the process of making pupusas which does not seem that complicated to me or if it's

like a cultural thing about like uh let them wait yeah let them wait. But they take so long. So I was like, I'm going to call ahead. I called ahead, ordered the pupusas, walked to the pupusaria, said I ordered whatever pupusas. They said, you did not. Should you call the wrong pupusa place? Yeah. Did you go to that pupusa place and pick them up? No, I couldn't figure out what was going on.

It took me days to figure out what had happened. And what had happened was there's three different papoosarias near our office, all of which have the same name. It's like a Ray's Pizza situation. Exactly. Original molcajete, famous molcajete. You essentially prank called a papoosaria. Exactly. Anyway, I took a few colleagues to the papooseria.

We had a great time. But on the way, we were standing at the corner and waiting for a light to change and chatting, as colleagues do. By the way, in this neighborhood or your neighborhood? In this neighborhood here. Okay? In this neighborhood here. Okay. In Westlake. Uh-huh. Although the Molcajete is in question.

It's sort of on the border between Westlake and Koreatown. Okay. And as we're standing there, a man kind of catches the corner of my eye. Like I'm facing across the intersection 45 degrees. Uh-huh. And the man is coming to my right down the street. And I'm thinking like, what's going on with this guy? First thing I notice, he's wearing athletic socks, but not shoes.

So he's wearing white athletic socks, but no shoes. socks but no shoes and he's dressed i'm gonna say on the edge between sane and insane person so so not conclusively insane although the fact that he's not wearing shoes points towards insane yeah Yeah. And I'm evaluating this man. Uh-huh. Like, what's going on here? Now, I get a big sign as to what's going on here when I notice he's brandishing a knife. Oh, boy. What are we talking here? We are talking about a stabbing knife.

Mm-hmm. So my first thought is, is this a stabbing knife? Right. And I look at it and notice that it is definitely a stabbing knife. Does it have serrated teeth coming out of it? It looks like... A Bowie knife? It's like a knife that you would buy.

It's not a nice knife. buy is not a it's not a nice knife it's a knife that you would buy for a dollar at a store that also sells that also sells those

little paper wrapped things that you throw at the ground and they make a snapping sound yeah but it has it's double edge so that's my definition of the difference between a standard and stabbing knife. If you were tough shit in my elementary school, you would pop those little assholes with your finger. Oh, wow. I would never do it.

I would never do it. I'd have a hard time popping a knife one way or the other. Sure, yeah. I have a friend who writes at Bob's Burgers. His name is Tall John Schrader. I have a friend who writes at Bob's Burgers. His name is Tall John Schrader. He drives around with a box of those in the cup holder of his car and just throws them at people randomly as you're driving around.

Jesus Christ. That's like something that a sociopath would do. He also keeps an air horn to blow at people. Wow. He's crazy. How did he get that job on that nice show? He's funny. He was a writer on sarah sarah silverman sweet tempered friendly television program this sociopathic prankster so one night we're driving to a concert i think maybe at the wiltern i think it was queens of the stone age and uh of course soon as we get in the car, I see people on the sidewalk. He's throwing those poppers at him.

I go, have those ever gone off in your car? And he goes, nope. And he reaches down to pick one up, and the whole fucking thing exploded in the car. What was that like? It was amazing.

That sounds hilarious. Horrifying and loud. Yeah. I love that it happened, though. It was really funny. I wonder what triggered it. Like, what happened to where they all go off at the same time? I think one just exploding next to another.

Sounds like chain reaction. Tall John Schrader was talking shit. Yeah. They decided to teach him a lesson. Yep. They overheard that shit. Nope. So, knife man's coming around the bend. Stabby.

Old stabby. Old puncture wound folly. Little cutter. So yeah, I mean, look. Pokey pokey. It had that kind of like black. I'm going to be sad if the story ends with someone getting stabbed. Textured black plastic handle.

You know what I mean? Like that would be on a steak knife that you bought a set of for $2 at the dollar store. Like the cheapest, shittiest plastic handle you could imagine. Did it look like it was wrapped in black electrical tape? No, but it looked like it would not last long and soon would be wrapped in black electrical tape.

Right, right. And the guy didn't look murderous. But what was weird is we're standing in a semicircle and being convivial. Like the purpose of this is a team building lunch. I'm just trying to lead my employees in a round of social eating. You know what I mean? Social eating. Just trying to encourage everybody to have a nice time, enjoy some-

Our working lunch. Yeah, have a pupuse. Have some curtido. You know what I mean? Have some horchata. Exactly. I had a nice horchata now that you mention it. It was very good.

It was delicious. And not just an horchata. Have an ensalada. Oh. Yeah. So the drink, not the food. Not a salad. No, not an ensalada de verduras.

No. The drink. It's like a, it's sort of like a, it's a, like what? It's like one of those agua frescas, but it's a Salvadoran thing where it's got a lot of weird chopped up fruits in it. Yep. Anyway, this guy's walking up and I'm thinking like my, I immediately went into. Who can I put between me and him? Yeah.

Yeah. Which employee is lower on the chain? Grab Christian because he's junior. Just bring him out. What on the ground can I throw at him? Exactly. And again, I came up with Christian. Yeah, because he was laying on the ground.

He's small. He's having a little nap. He's small, a little round. He's broad-shouldered more than he is round. And I'm like in full fight mode but part of being in full fight mode is like and this is like i think this is just like a skill that snaps into place from childhood trauma which is like when you recognize somebody on the roll up, you have to do this thing, which is like you have to kind of take evasive action without revealing that you're taking evasive action.

Yep. Is the punchline of this going to be that it was Peter Dinklage? Yes. It was not Peter. It turned out to be Warwick Davis. Willow. Willow. Willow himself.

Willow. Yeah. out to be warwick davis willow willow willow yeah and uh so this so i'm thinking like i have to maintain the tone i can't be like hey guys man with knife yeah like i can't we can't just all just run away because someone will not understand what's happening it's like a car crash like it's like a car crash where everything is going in slow motion but as if while you were driving instead of driving you're just like making office jokes you know what i mean anyway i'm i'm just in this survival mode where survival means maintaining a convivial conversation as though there weren't a knife man there. Yep. While.

A knife man. Keeping my eye on the knife and making sure that the knife doesn't go anywhere dangerous. Yeah. As the man gets closer and closer to us, He gets to within two feet of Kevin Ferguson, our producer, and he's behind him and crosses the street.

And I said to everybody, Jesus Christ, I am so glad that guy with the knife crossed the street. No one else had noticed this guy with the knife at all.

Zero percent. And I had this immediate flashback to this conversation i had the other day on bullseye with our friend moshe kasher uh which was there are these weird things that when you are when you grow up in a dicey place, like are baked in. And there was a time, and one of them is always distrusting your surroundings. Being this weird kind of hypervigilant and always looking for a random guy with a knife. Yeah. And a couple of my colleagues had no interest in having that skill.

And it occurred to me because I had just had this conversation with Moshe, like, for much of my life, I would consider that a sign of pathetic weakness. Like, that I had been standing there with these three people. None of them saw that there was a guy with a crazy person with a knife there. Weakness on their behalf? Yeah.

They are profoundly profoundly pathetically weak for not recognizing the danger that they were in but then like as we're walking to get the pupusas the realization that i had and it's one that i've had only in the past i'm gonna give it the past four years of my life. I recently turned 36. Uh-huh. Which was that, oh, yes, they were much happier not having seen the person with the knife. No, he didn't stab anyone. Sure. He was just a crazy guy walking around with a knife. Jesus.

Nothing bad happened. Given that nothing bad happened. Right. It's definitely better not to know that there was a crazy man with a knife. Yeah. If something bad had happened, well, sure, maybe there's something you could do. There's not that much you can do about it. Right.

But given that he had no ill intent, he just happened to be holding a stabbing knife. You know? Maybe he was taking it to trade it in at a Knives for Gift Cards event. Yeah, he might have been trying it. At the fire station. Knives for needles. Yeah, sure, get some nice clean needles. Get tickets to the Dodgers Brewers game.

Yeah. Two feet from Kevin, he could have stabbed him. What if he had stabbed Kevin in the back and you're like, I saw that coming? Yeah. I didn't want to say anything. Why didn't you do it? Jesse. I don't know.

What can you do? He wasn't. It was like he wasn't. He was holding the knife. Yeah. He wasn't like swinging it or. Just like down at his side walking with a knife. He had it in a.

Oh. He had it facing downward. Like if you'd been holding a coffee. Whee! Whee! Whee! Like if you imagine someone stabbing a pumpkin over and over. That's how he was holding it. He wasn't holding it in like an arrow. The blade wasn't thumb side up.

It wasn't like an arrow saying I'm gonna do a fencing move and poke you with it. Right. It was like, I'm going to bring it down. Sure. Yeah. But it wasn't held up.

Have you looked at local police blotters to see if there's been a stabbing epidemic? Well, of course there's been a stabbing epidemic. There's a continuing stabbing epidemic. We're in a constant state of stabbing. Yeah, there's a continuous flood of stab. Yeah. I think the blotter would more likely to be say, would say like an unusual stab today.

Few stabbings. Yeah. Few stabbings in Westlake this week. Seven down from 42 the previous week. This is broad daylight, right? Yeah, absolutely. Broad daylight.

Lunchtime. Yeah, I mean like- You guys are like, we're burning the midnight oil. It's 11 p.m. Let's take a little break. Because the thing of it is, is that you cannot- It was one of those things where you can't run away. Because if you run away, it's like you can't move when a Tyrannosaurus is looking at you.

Sure, yeah. Jurassic Park taught us anything. Their vision is based on movement. By running away, you are activating the situation. You're saying, I'm a victim. Chase me. Exactly. I have something valuable.

Yes. And so that's why it was- Yeah, my kidney. My unstabbed kidney. So essential to maintain bonhomie during this time. A standard level of bonhomie. Got to maintain the good vibes in that situation. But yeah, I mean, like what I learned out of it, I think that I am the broken one.

Like that while I, as a, as a teen, I would have interpreted as being like, I would have been like, Jesus Christ, you didn't see the knife. You could have gotten us killed. I feel like the guy with the knife is the broken one. Sure. You shouldn't have a knife. You should have knives around the house for, you know, cooking. Holster it, at least.

Sure, yeah. Have a nice... Probably headed to a knives for shoes event. Yeah. Swap the knives for some shoes. He was probably going fishing. Oh, yeah. Maybe he just puts it in his mouth.

In the lake here. Dives in. Someone caught a giant fish recently. Yeah. Yeah. That was like a 35 or 40 pounder. A news making fish. It was huge. I saw the photos. Sure.

I was like, that thing survived that long. I know. It's as big as the lake. I wonder if there are maybe, is that the first sign of mutations going on in this lake? Maybe. A mutation that will bring about a beast maybe just that there's a gargantuan carp yeah that'll like become become land-based is that

what it was carp yeah well they used to think they used to think that the dinosaurs were closest in relation to lizards that's why they were called terrible lizards in Latin. But it turns out they're closest in relation to carp. Wow. Yeah. So a 35-pound carp is like a dinosaur living in our world. Yeah. It's like a look back in time. Sure.

I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson. You know, what a lot of people don't know is that carp have feathers. Really? Yeah. I mean, I think we see them in the movies and they're sleek. But in reality, they have feathers. I thought I knew everything about carp. Something that my daughter taught me, my daughter's in kindergarten.

She loves science. She loves reading books and taking science classes and her name is collecting that's collecting lavender my daughter collecting lavender and uh she she taught me uh that they can operate door handles and they work they hunt in packs carp carp are the pigeons of the water. Yeah. That's what their Latin name is, Aquius Paginus. Paginus. The pigeons of the water. Agua Paginus. Okay, we'll be back in just a second.

I'm Jordan Jessico. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we're the hosts of Rose Buddies. It's a podcast about the Bachelor family of products. We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, it is a garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile. We're the raccoons in charge around here.

So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show's on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required. But it's a good TV show. What are you doing? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. I'll throw out a little plug. What's that? For the delicious Carl's Jr.'s cookies Steve Agee brought us. Steve Agee brought us chocolate chip cookies from Carl's Jr., known as Hardee's, east of the Mississippi. When you had texted me.

East of the Rockies? Yeah, I think so. When you had texted me. I wonder what the first Hardee's is. Like if you're traveling. I want to know why there's a difference. Was it a divorce and someone got. what the first Hardee's is. Like, if you're traveling... I want to know why there's a difference. I think... Was it a divorce

and someone got... Do you think that the... Do you think that the fucking first California settlers must have been thrilled to see the first Carl's Jr.?

Yeah, right. Like, ah, we're home. Traveling in the Carl's Jr. We're home. Can't wait till we get to California to In-N-Out.

Yeah. Circle the wagons. But when you called me to see if I could come in, it was fairly last minute. And I was like, I'll be right there. I was driving here. I go, oh, fuck. I haven't eaten anything today. Just coffee.

And I'm going to be halfway through this interview and I'm going to start trembling. So I haven't had fast food in so long. I would rather do a podcast on ecstasy than do a podcast with an empty stomach but coffee. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I'll just go to Carl's. Yeah. And so I got you guys a little dessert. I got the Western bacon chi. How'd that work out for you, buddy?

It was good. A fast food classic. Let's hope it stays good. Yeah. I do want to drop one plug. Speaking of plugs, as many listeners know, I'm the proprietor of the Put This On Shop. It's a vintage treasures and accessories shop associated with my menswear blog, Put This On. It's dads and grads season.

So on putthisonshop.com, you will find the usual selection of treasures, but you will also find a special selection of gifts for dads. Nice. A second special selection, gifts for grads. And a third special selection, gifts for cads. Cads? Like shitty people?

A cad in your life. Yeah. For the rogue. Whether you're looking- He didn't call me back. I'm going to get him a- I'm going to get him a little gift. A tiny curio.

So those are all available at putthisonshop.com. So go there and do some shopping for somebody. Find a special. I always get, I feel like a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners will buy a special, like a little pin, a lot of like vintage special pins and cufflinks,

little nice things. We had a listener, Jordan Jesse Go listener, who is a minister, a cool minister. So a youth pastor. She got some vintage Bible study pins from the 20s that were in the shop. We still have a few more, actually. But put this on shop.com.

Those are not in the CAD section. Do you sell mustache wax? No, we don't sell mustache wax, but I do wax my mustache. I can tell. It looks very lustrous. Otherwise, it's going to go up the nose and into the mouth. Yeah. You got to keep it going sideways.

What do you use? You know, I... It's called... Dr. Zog's Sex Wax. It's good enough for your board. It's good enough for your board. It's good enough for your face. I didn't want to research it, and I didn't want to ask anyone because both of those seemed real weird to me. I didn't want my browser to know mustache wax was a phrase I was interested in, basically.

Oh, yeah, That makes sense. So I bought the highest rated one that was on what we shall call a popular online shopping site. How did it work out for you? It works great and it's called Can You Handle Bar. Oof. Oof. Oof. Can You Handle Bar. bar it's a really it's a really effective wax i'm grateful for it's lasted me quite a long time yeah

um but boy i'm just glad that i didn't click on a sponsored cookie link that says, can you handle bar? And then for the rest of my life, all I get is Facebook things that say, because you like, can you handle bar? We think you'll like, Oh, asshole club. Dollar.

Soul club. I know last week we didn't, I teased the story about cuckolding and having a drink poured on me. Yeah. I said I was going to get to it today. Yeah. We're past that point. Yeah. Pushing it to next week.

Oh, shit. Sorry, everybody. Pushing it to next week. Oh, shit, dude. It's a really good one. Oh, shit. Worth the wait. It's going to be worth the wait.

Yeah. I'm excited about it. Yeah. You know, in our office, somebody got a label, one. Oh, shit. Worth the wait. It's going to be worth the wait. I'm excited about it. Yeah. You know, in our office, somebody got a label maker. People have really been going apeshit with the labels. Somebody put on my colleague Stacy's desk, one of the drawers, do not open, contains spiders. She's very afraid of spiders.

Yeah, boy. Caused a lot of problems around the office. That's the last thing you want to see on your drawer yeah the real champion was Nick Liao a production fellow here who's been mad that people have been using his headphones just stealing them from his desk and stuff so he labeled them he just labeled them cuck

I wouldn't touch them you don't want to be walking around like some dirty cuck. No, some snowflake. No, but maybe you do. Maybe there's some nasty motherfuckers out there. I'd see you out there. I'd see you out there. You nasty cuck.

Let me ask our listeners this. Can I ask our... Please. Y'all nasty? You guys nasty? Y'all nasty? Y'all nasty. Y'all nasty.

Raise your hand if you're nasty. You know you're nasty. You know you're nasty out there. You nasty cucks. Nasty. You nasty cucks snowflake libtards. We got a nasty SJWs out there. I'm going to fuck you right in the safe space.

Right in the safe space. What are you, some kind of snowflake? Delicous snowflake. What do you want? Hillary Clinton's murder list? Yeah. I'm going to fuck you while you're watching

Transparent on Amazon Prime. Pizzagate. Right up the pizzagate. Pizza rat. Right up the pizza rat. What are you, one of those nasty pizza rats? That's one of those sexy-ass pizza rats. Dragging that pizza.

Oh, yeah, baby. When something momentous happens to you, we have you call us at 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hey, what's up? This is Cole in Ridgewood, Queens. Just had a momentous occasion. I dropped my keys down into a drain, and they were, like, literally about to fall off into the edge about four feet deep into a black abyss. But I ran inside and made a makeshift hook and dental floss system.

Went back outside, fished him out in like under a minute. Yeah. Hope you guys are having a good day. Bye. We hope the same for you, Cole. Way to go, MacGyver. You know what? Normally I like to shit on collars.

It's fun. And they suck. Nasty little cuffs. Pizza rats. You're going to jack off. Dragging that pizza. You nasty, you nasty dogs in a swimming pool. You nasty gutter snipes.

Dropping around in that swimming pool. You cats. You're some food on the ground and I'm going to eat you anyway. Five-second rule, baby. Any nasty grads out there? Normally, I like to shit on people who call in, especially when their call seems braggy. Sure. And my first instinct with this call was to shit on him.

I almost paused the call to shit on him for specifying what neighborhood in Queens he was calling from. Because Queens is already too specific. That already presumes that we want to know what neighborhood of the borough of what borough of New York City you're calling from. Just say New York City.

Calling from New York. People know what that fucking is. Sam, call from the island. Maybe you can say Brooklyn. I'm not nuts about that either. Yeah. I mean, look, if you say Queens, that's fine. You see that as sort of like your identity.

You don't want to- You're not one of those. I think you're one of those midtown bankers. Give us your address. Be more specific. You're cool. If you call from Cambridge, Massachusetts, it's fine. You don't have to say Boston. You can say I'm calling from

Cambridge, Massachusetts. That's okay. But don't tell me that you're in the Fish District, Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's too specific. Nah. However. However. I do like the idea of saving

keys from a train. Yeah. I like it a lot. I wonder if this guy had... I'm proud of him. I'm proud of Cole right now. He said makeshift floss and hook. Dental floss. I wonder if he had the hook

or if he had to make the hook out of a third thing. Paper clip. Or a second thing, probably a paper clip. Wire hanger. Paper clip, baby. Paper clip, baby. Wire hanger all the way baby Yeah you nasty gutter rat

You love to get up in that gutter don't you You floss fucker You love to stick that hanger up your gutter To get your fucking nasty cut keys Oh yeah Tiny little keys You like the way that feels you gutter fucker We're flossing baby

The fuck is happening Where's all my gutter fuckers out there, baby? Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Jill from Nashville calling with a momentous occasion. So my boyfriend and I

were having sex in his hospital bed when a nurse proceeded to walk in. And he pops up still for like from being in the midst of going down to me

and later as she quickly closes the door embarrassed he's like did did did she see us

and I'm just like come on it's not a fucking invisibility look anyway um he had made it very clear

that she'd be back in an hour took um she disappeared for a few hours, to be honest, and comes back without knocking and enters. Then after that, she was pretty nice

beforehand, but after that, she's just been kind of cold and found it awkward and stuff. Like, maybe we should have invited her, you know, and joined the party. I don't know. It was rude. I'm not sure what the etiquette is in that situation. But anyway, to make it better, it was our first time. And yeah, that was pretty memorable.

Anyway, I love the show. And go punch a blunt. Bye. Lots to talk about here. Oh, yeah. First. First. First.

Hospital. Before we talk about it. Yeah. Just want to let the listener know. Yeah. As we were listening to that call, Steve Agee started out by doing the okay sign and finger

fuck motion, and then it just turned into him pulling off his thumb. The dislocated thumb trick. Who needs that other guest? Not us. Steve Agee now making shadow animals on the wall. Look, hospital sex makes me uncomfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like this is the first. This is the. Someone just described a porno scenario to us. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to Jill, by the way.

Jill had a good. We've lately. We've put a moratorium on weird sex calls, relatively speaking. Oh. We've been looking for just good old fashioned key saving. Mm-hmm. Catching a, catching a polywog down by the bog and. Yeah.

Yeah. Or even in the bog. Yeah. Well, I don't want to go in the bog. Right. I'll go near the bog. Where are you getting your cranberries? I get them from the store because I'm not nasty.

Yeah, you ain't nasty. Hey, Jordan. What? Call me Miss Jackson because I'm nasty. I will. When it comes to gathering cranberries. Gathering cranberries from the bog. I'll get right up in that bog.

You bog dweller. Oh, yeah. Put your face right in that swamp. Soak that beard, Jesse. That nasty swamp water. Here Soak that beard, Jesse. That nasty swamp water. Here comes a gator, baby. Snapping turtle. So majestic.

I liked Jill's attitude. Good toot. I liked that she had a voice that suggested that she has a second career playing a puppet of Stuart Little in children's library productions. I was going to say maybe she's the voice of one of the Powerpuff Girls. Yeah. Very distinctive voice. Very distinctive voice. I like anyone who calls in with a very distinctive voice. And I like anybody who's fucking anyone who's in the hospital.

This is something that I would like to see more professional athletes doing. I couldn't tell if she was the one hospitalized or if the boyfriend was. I think she said in his hospital bed. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I would like to see more athletes contributing to their communities by doing things like fucking people in hospitals. You know, nice of him.

Even though he's the one laid up, he munched that bog. It feels like he should be the one making the phone call to you guys. Sure, yeah. As soon as the nurse opened the door and saw the gator was coming, closed it right back up. But, you know, maybe he isn't the one who called because he passed away yeah shortly after having been fucked in this hospital bed r.i.p jill's poor r.i.p jill r.i.p hospital fucker yeah wait is this the guy is this the same guy who's being nasty

yeah is that a nasty guy i'll put it in my bedpan. This is awful. This guy's getting worse and worse. Bust a nut in my IV bag. This is genuinely upsetting. Give me a little cafeteria jello. Squeeze that juice into my IV bag. Buy a balloon at the gift shop. I hate this. I was enjoying the nasty guy before.

This is awful. I'm ready for that big dick enema. This is sickening. This is really sickening, Steve. You should maybe cut this part out. I'm making myself sick. I feel dizzy. What is this, a jerky boys tape?

He didn't call anyone sizzle chest. Sizzle chest. If you want to share your momentous occasion with us, and why would you at this point? No. No reason to. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Put it in your phone. That's 206-984-4FUN.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Steve Agee, pizza rat. I like the idea that there's someone out here who was just turned on by pizza rat.

I hate everything about this character that Steve is doing right now. By the way, you said something when I said pizza rat about like, yeah, dragon that pizza. And I envisioned a dragon dragging a pizza. Oh, yeah, dragon that pizza. And I envisioned a dragon, dragon a pizza. Oh, yeah. That sounds fun. That's a subreddit. Yeah, it's totally a subreddit. Dragons, dragon pizzas.

Yeah. I could get off to that. Sure. I mean. Pull one off. It would have to be like, I would really have had to have exhausted all my normal sexual interests. I could probably get off to a dragon pulling a pizza across a subway station. Or Khaleesi feeding pizza to her dragons.

There's some appeal there. There's some appeal there. If the dragon is being ridden by a secondary character from Sonic the Hedgehog, I'm in. Are there even other... Well, I mean, is Knuckles, is that a primary or a secondary character? So, my knowledge of this is spotty.

Right. And oh God, please don't correct me. Because I know who King Koopa is. Sure. So, the Sonic games, since we were at our prime Sonic playing age. Sonic Spinball. Since the original Genesis Adventures. Sonic Spinball. These things have just

been going. Sonic Spinball. We all love Sonic Spinball. It's the rule of three. Yeah. Say it three times. So there's a cast of characters now in the Soniciverse that he's collected through games, cartoons, comics, and there's this extended universe of animals the internet wants to fuck. Oh, all right.

Yeah. Is there a game like... You know that video game called like Disney Heart Adventure? Sure. Where Donald Duck is going on an adventure? Yeah, with Sephiroth. Yeah. With Sephiroth. From Final Fantasy.

Oh. That game takes place in a kind of a liminal world between Disney and Final Fantasy. Oh, all right. For real cool dudes. I just assumed it was something from like a Hieronymus Bosch painting. But like the Disneys, they go on an adventure together. And you learn more about, because they don't really, I mean, one thing about those Disney characters is they have no characteristics. Sure, yeah.

Donald Duck gets mad a lot. Yeah, that's true. Goofy's dumb. Very one note. Yeah, but you learn about their dreams and hopes and dreams as you adventure through this hellscape. Those are the hearts in Kingdom Hearts.

Yeah. And is there something like that in the game, whatever, Sonic Spinball 3D? I think so. I think that there is a deeper Sonic lore than there was when we were kids, when it was just, you know, you got to save the animals from Dr. Robotnik.

Oh, yeah, Dr. Robotnik. But I think there is more. I think there is a fractured timeline now. I think there's a young Sonic and a new Sonic. I think they have met in a kind of hub world. Is there a Latino Sonic? I don't think Sonic has a race. What about in the... He was voiced in the cartoon

by Jaleel White. Sonic 2066 universe. Yeah, right. Exactly. So I think there is that going on. But what I do know, what I can say for certain, is that the extended cast of Sonic the Hedgehog, people love to draw them fucking on the internet. Yeah.

They sure do. Every cartoon. And do they fucking just a variety of combinations? Yeah. I mean, mostly they're pregnant, though. I don't know. The males are pregnant. And they're uncomfortable.

Oh, so they're pregging. Yeah. They're M-pregs. M-pregs. Yeah. What the fuck is that? It's a genre of fan art where people draw male characters. And is- Pregnant-Pregs. M-Pregs. Yeah. What the fuck is that? Genre of fan art where people draw male characters. And is pregnant?

Pregnant. Does Jaleel White Television's Urkel, is he still? He voices them all. Got it. He finds every nasty fan drawing. Got it. And just does a little VO for it. There's none that are too nasty for him.

And then instead of being played by Urkel, it's played by Dwayne Wayne from... Oh, my God. If you see Knuckles flip down some sunglasses, then you know that's one of the Dwayne Wayne ones, not one of the Jaleel White ones. Thank you so much for letting us know about that, Jordan. Hey, happy to do it. I'm happy. Send your nastiest Sonic fan art to at I am Papa John. Find Shadow the Hedgehog going to town on Shrek.

I've seen that. It exists. Send it to I am Papa John. It's like those are like things where like people, it's like a joke, but then people are into it. Like the more joke pictures of Knuckles fucking Jenna Jameson or whatever you draw. Jenna Jameson. Sure. Wow. Famous fictional character, Jenna Jameson.

Jenna Jameson. Wow. Famous fictional character, Jenna Jameson. Jenna Jameson. The more pictures of that you draw as a joke, the more into it you are. Just as like if you're doing Dragon's fucking Cars, at the beginning of your 3D animation project, you think it's a real hoot. And by the end, you're as hard as a rock four weeks later. I mean, I think that with those. Because of the rendering time.

I mean, I'm not. The amount of time it takes for rendering. Yeah. I'm not going to pretend to say for certain. Right. But I think that with those... Because of the rendering time. The amount of time it takes for rendering. Yeah. I'm not going to pretend to say for certain. Right. But I think some of those are legit. Some are jokes. People jack off to all of them. Right.

And you'll drive yourself crazy. If you look at these things and try and figure out the intent. Because it's impossible. I've jacked off to Kingdom Hearts before. Sure. Donald Duck particularly.

Donald Duck meets Sephiroth. We've all talked about what would happen if Donald Duck ever met Sephiroth. I like to imagine Sephiroth and tell me, stop me if this is too much. You know, TMI.

I don't think you can go there. There's no TMI after what we've been... Impregning Donald Duck. That would be amazing. Donald would be so mad because he's uncomfortable. And then he would make Sephiroth smoke a whole box of cigars. We're all jacking off. I can't achieve orgasm unless I'm in a vault full of gold coins.

Steve A.G., what are you up to buddy is there anything we can tell people to look at besides your beautiful photographs on your insta Steve Agee is a gifted photographer

he takes photographs on his insta yeah just follow me on instagram at Steve Agee you're in Guardians of the Galaxy number two

go see that little movie volume two volume two you know in some ways it's like a book in some ways in some ways it's like a movie in some ways it's like a novel the Galaxy number two. Go see that little movie. Volume two. Volume two. You know, in some ways it's like a book. In some ways it's like a movie.

In some ways it's like a novel. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Space novel. It's like Dickens. It's got a scope. Yeah.

Grand scope. Grand, grand scope. Yep. Chris Pratt. Sure. So it's got two things going for it.

Grand scope, Chris Pratt, Steve Agee.'s got two things going for it. Grand Scope, Chris Pratt. Steve Agee. Three things. Pizza rats. Mini Groot. Yeah. Lil Groot.

Can I give you an example of something Mini Groot would like to say? Lil Grootski. Hey, I'm a tree. Close. That is his classic catchphrase. Close. Hey, I am a tree. I am a tree.

I am a tree. Yeah. Fuck me, suffer off. I'm fertile. Pregnant Groot's going to be in the third movie. Yeah. We've had standard Groot, baby Groot, pregnantester nah we shouldn't we shouldn't do this do the show i have an npr show yeah i always think that when i'm listening to you on npr i'm like he says some horrible shit on his other podcast

i'm generally good natured. We might be in trouble if anyone started listening to this one, but it hasn't happened yet. Yeah. Not an issue. That's the biggest concern. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Yeah, the biggest concern is if someone tuned into this program or subscribed to it in a podcast program.

As long as that doesn't happen, we're safe. We're good. Golden. And you know what? I don't see any reason to do that, so I don't see why that would be a concern. Yeah, we're good. Yeah. We're on solid ground, I think.

Mm-hmm. Daniel Baruela on the boards this week. Thank you, Daniel. I'm calling him Danny around the office. It's a lot of fun. Danny boy. It's a lot of fun. Well, he's got a positive attitude and a boyish charm that makes it fun to call him Danny.

I bet that's fun. Is that it? No, Brian Fernandez is our producer. Oh, yes, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to think of who else is involved in this... Hard to say. Mess.

Yeah. Whatever this thing is. Debacle. Thank you to the great Steve Agee. Thanks, guys. Thanks. You never fail. You got me off my couch. Bokkel. Thank you to the great Steve Agee. Thanks, guys. Thanks. You never fail.

You got me off my couch. Send him a thank you on Twitter for coming in at such short notice. Yeah, he's on Twitter at I am Papa John. Yep. Send me hate mail. I don't fucking care. Agee doesn't give a shit. You pizza fuckers. You pizza fucking fucks.

Put some anchovies on that shit. Suck my nuts with pepperonis. No, it's awful. I don't like that. You sack fuckers. It really bothers me. I'll dip my tate in that garlic dipping sauce. It bothers me.

It'll hurt your tummy if you have too much. I don't like it. You're cumming. Ooh, I made a cum. I'm a maid of cum. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse, though. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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