Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 484: Hobo Pumper with Greg Behrendt

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Comedian and author Greg Behrendt joins Jordan and Jesse as they take a break from analyzing the polls to have a fun week, you know, just for them. They get into Greg's early morning bike rides, Jesse's mom's new potential roommate who is both a bouncer and an EMT, and the important question of how much you should spend on eunuchs for a media empire.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Good to see you, friend. It's good to be seen by you, a man who I enjoy seeing. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, We take a look at the polls, break them down, and predict the election for you based on our mathematical expertise. We know what's going to happen before it happens.

Not just the polls, also the betting markets so that we can consult the wisdom of the crowds. Now, what election? Are we doing local elections now? Yeah, for example. Ordinances, dog catcher. We were one of the only ones, one of the only podcasts out there. You won't find this on the Slate Political Gab Fest. One of the only podcasts out there.

Sorry, Dickerson. That predicted Gilberto Cedillo's city council race here in Los Angeles. Yeah, I was real upset. Congratulations to Gilberto Cedillo for winning his city council seat here in the city of Los Angeles. So what are we tackling today? Well, I figured we'd take a week off from polls, from the numbers. No, we've really been cramming people's heads with facts, figures, maps, gerrymandering, districts. I love explainers,

but I think it's a time to take a week off from explainers. Let's just have a little fun this week. How about this week is a fun week, a just for us. You do four takes for the script and one take just for us. This is like working with Vince Vaughn.

Exactly. I'm Vince Vaughn. Oh, cool. Who am I? Somebody getting bullied by Vince Vaughn. Oh, cool. Vince Vaughn's funny. Yeah.

So I'm just going to let you go. Yeah. I'm just going to let you go and see what comes out. Just wind me up and set me loose like one of those mechanical Vince Vaughns. And this is really funny. And it's nice that we're getting people to peek behind the curtain because every time I do like an interview about this show, and I will from time to time, you know, we'll set up a press junket. The studio will or I'll be on a talk show. Or you're just at the Grove and you run into that guy from Saved by the Bell.

Yeah. It's at Universal CityWalk now. Oh, okay. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. But I am at CityWalk from time to time. Right.

It's the home of LA's only Margaritaville. Right. Sure. And where else are you going to get glow-in-the-dark stuff if you're not going to go to the store that only sells glow-in-the-dark stuff? Yeah. So a lot of times people all get interviewed about this, you know, entertainment journalists, that kind of thing.

Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters. Yeah. And everything, every time I do this, people ask me, so Jordan, Jesse, go. How much of it is improv? How much of it is improv? Because I think that's the important thing to know about a comedy project. Is it hard to admit how much we stick to the script?

Yeah, I mean, it is. I mean, listen, I want to give you credit for your off-the-cuffery. Well, I create the illusion of spontaneity. It's something called acting. Yeah. But, you know, we do have a great script, and I just want to give David Mamet credit for the wonderful episodes he writes for us week to week. Great podcasts come down to great writing, and if we didn't have Mamet, we would have nothing. It doesn't matter who you have directing the podcast. It doesn't matter who's on the

board. If we don't have Mamet, we're nothing. We would be worse than, I don't know, just to pick a random example, a recent David Mamet play. The foundation on which we build. I like David Mamet. Same here. Maybe not personally, not sure. No, might be bad.

Yeah, hard to tell. Saw him once in public wearing a beret. Oh, well, that's pretty good. Best friends with Jonathan Katz like that. So that's two points. Let's not think of more.

Okay. So should we introduce our guest? We have a hot topic loaded up. I think he's the perfect guest Let's not think of more. Okay. So should we introduce our guest? We have a hot topic loaded up. I think he's the perfect guest for this week's program because when he is not doing data journalism, he is a comedian, a musician, a bestselling author. Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Silver. Greg Barrett. Guys, the numbers,

you know, they tell the story. Yeah. They really do tell the story. Well, if you have a great storyteller to interpret them. Yes, and if you like stories that are number-based, those are the kind of stories you're going to get.

That's a good point. When you do the numbers and you crunch them. And by the way, I've enjoyed both of you. And I also, I don't know if you guys, I are the kind of stories you're going to get. That's a good point. When you do the numbers and you crunch them. And by the way, I've enjoyed both of you. And I also, I don't know if you guys, I took the online master's David Mamet podcast writing class. Oh, congratulations. Yeah.

Yeah. And it was really good. It only cost me $170. Wow. And I learned, yeah. That's an incredible value. It's a pretty good value. I would pay $270 for that class.

That's a lot. Jordan, what would you pay for that class? Well, I mean, I already sunk my money into Steve Martin teaches banjo. Got it. Yeah, I get you there. So I don't have a lot of disposable income. That was $14,000. I spent...

I mortgaged my house for Dustin Hoffman just shakes his head and goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? You have to love her. He's done so much. And we've done so little. I've done so little. Jordan's done so little. You're a best-selling author, a comedian,

a musician, a cancer survivor. That's right. You're all of our heroes. I did. I had cancer. I think maybe a little late. I was, I think, maybe a little late. I was not able to squeeze a one-person show out of it. Oh.

Or even a revelation. I didn't even squeeze a revelation out of it. You have no new information. I was actually just fine before cancer. I feel okay afterwards. For the viewers who maybe, or listeners rather, who maybe don't follow you on the social media. Right, right. Where I only tweet about my cancer. Yeah, what

sort of cancer did you have? I had a thing called non-Hodgkin's B-cell lymphoma in my intestine which was very painful, very aggressive, but also mostly treatable. I would say treatable. I don't know why I'm hedging my bets. I don't have I had cancer. As my doctor likes to say, I'll tell you when you have cancer again. You don't have cancer.

So it's been about a year and a half. Thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, can I ask you a question? Yeah. When you got the all clear from your doctor, is that when you treated yourself to a pair of rose-colored pants? Oh. You know what I said? I said, this is going to be a different life after cancer.

So I did have a revelation about my pants. Because you're looking at life through those pants now. Well. Trying to see the best in everyone's pants. I feel like they didn't have the desired effect given the way the world is outside. So I just keep my rose-colored pants on until it changes. Yeah. Greg Barron doesn't mess with a bad color combination.

Well, you know what? They went Crayola last year, the people that make pants. They went, hey, if you don't love khaki or sand, how about red, blue, orange, lavender, olive, taupe? Like, they just went kind of crazy with it. They also make a, for an older guy, they make a nice stretch twill. That could be. Yeah.

Who's they? These are Urban Outfitter, but everybody who makes a khaki does it. J.Crew does it. Those might be millennial pink. I think they are in that millennial blush rose. I mean, I would call those festival wear. These are kind of festival wear. Greg, can you take off the headdress?

It's not appropriate. Yeah, it's cultural appropriation. You look very cute in it. I'm going to just swap it out for this flower crown. I will say about once a month for about four and a half minutes, I will consider a loud pair of pants. It goes away, but I'll consider it. Yeah, I mean, look. I'll see a man in a nice loud pant, and I'm like, maybe I could be a loud pants man.

I don't think I can. They used to call them jackass pants. They were actually like they were kind of old white guys, I mean, or, you know, pink twill pants to like a, you know, the madras check, you know, those kind of, those were kind of, those were kind of like 6 p.m. early cocktail. Yeah. People in the- Where with a, where with a, you know-

In the Chevy Chase community? Yeah. That's 100%. Not in the community of Chevy Chase, Maryland. Right. In the community of people- In the community of people who live around Chevy Chase. In the community of people Chase, Maryland. Right. These are people- In the community of people- Someone who Chevy Chase would play in a movie.

Yeah, a villainous frat guy who wants to shut down the fun frat. It's a very preppy look. It was a very preppy look. This morning I saw, as I was leaving my daughter's elementary school, I saw an old man on his porch. And in one hand, he had a watering can, a small watering can. And the other hand, he had a cane. And he was wearing outrageous plaid pants, white sneakers, and a cardigan. And for a second, I thought I was looking at a cartoon from the 70s. But actually, it was a real old man dressed as a parody of an old man.

I mean, first off, that's how I'm going out. What you just described, like that to me, that's a lifestyle. Like that's a choice that you make because at that point, it's like, why not? Yeah. You know what? Put it on.

Get a cane. Water your cane. To be fair. Water your cane. To be fair. Water your cane. To be fair on him, no chain wallet. That would be the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would switch the white sneakers for a van maybe.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. And then I would add a chain wallet and we could get to a Gregory Barron signature look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, money is going to be so important to hang on to later on. Absolutely. We're on a fixed income. That's right. Did I notice on your chain wallet you have a – is there a letter or do you have a –

It is the – I forgot about that. It's off my sister's key chain. My sister passed away last year. Okay. That's a nice tribute. Well, it's a K and it has diamonds on it and I wore it for a necklace for a while. It just didn't really work. A big sparkly K on my chest.

There were just too many like, what is that, dude? And then I'm like, oh, my dead sister. And then it just – everything goes sideways then. And now you only have to explain it to guys who maybe looked at your behind about five minutes ago. You know what? It begs the question. Sure. There's a K hanging out of my back pocket on my wallet.

It begs the question and I just – I wanted to hang on to it. I didn't know where to put it. One day I just slapped it on there and left the question. There's a K hanging out of my back pocket on my wallet. It begs the question. I wanted to hang on to it. I didn't want to put it one day. I just slapped it on there and left it on. That's great. That's a great tribute. She'd like it. She would like it. She wouldn't like it that I put on my chest. Was your sister anti-chain wallet? No.

My sister only dated guys that had a chain wallet and a little bit of a record. Okay. I used to go, do you just wait outside of San Quentin for them? How do they get them this bad? We dated guys that had a chain wallet and a little bit of a record. Okay. I used to go, do you just wait outside of San Quentin for them? Like, how did they get them this bad? But she would appreciate that. My mom is currently looking for a roommate. My mom has a rent control. I wish my sister was still alive.

My mom has a rent control department in San Francisco's Mission District, which is a golden treasure that she intends to will to myself and my wife. My name is on the lease. That's great. My mom's been there for 30 years, and that is, as far as she's concerned, our inheritance. It certainly isn't money. She does not have that, which is why she's concerned, our inheritance. It certainly isn't money. She does not have that, which is why she's looking for a roommate. And the thing is, is like the neighborhood consumed by very rich 26-year-old dudes because they all work at Twitter or whatever. God bless them. You know what or whatever. God bless them.

You know what? Don't God bless them. You know that the entire city is just a campus now. It's very, very... Right? It's just an internet campus. Very, very weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so what she does not want, a 26-year-old dude living in her house. My mom is a 71-year-old woman. Right. She's a retired college professor and current antiques dealer. She's a retired college professor. Sure. And current antiques dealer. She can't stay up late at night playing Nintendo Switch with these guys.

Exactly. She just wants first- Or sit down to a mid-afternoon voodoo donut. She had- Round three, I like to have a nice donut covered in Froot Loops. It's nice. It's my me time. I have my nice donut covered in Froot Loops.

Some bulletproof coffee, and she really gets it going. Right. And I have my 330 Ultra Shit back to work. Oh, I wish I had a 330 Ultra Shit. That might be something we all invest in later, guys. Let's talk about this. So where are we going to make our nut? For about a year and a half, two years.

My mom has had this woman living in her house named Yuki, who is a middle aged Japanese woman who's very smart and very considerate. This is my mom's dream. All my mom wants is to have someone in her house that when she cooks, they appreciate it. Okay. And they're polite and they don't break her thing. Is it cooking worth appreciating? Yeah. Okay.

There you go. She's not a professional chef, but she's a good cook. Yeah. And so she is just looking for a person. But you keep moving back to Japan. Oh, man. She was in the United States learning English. She works at a bank or something.

Right. She's moving back to Japan. My mom needs to replace her. And there's like all these laws about how you can and can't evict a roommate because they're considered a tenant. A subletter is a tenant. There are very tight tenant protections in San Francisco, so you cannot fuck it up on the front end. Basically, anyone that comes into your house,

you have to be comfortable with having them in your house indefinitely. For a lifetime. Because you can't just give them the boot because they broke something. Now, do you think most people renting know that? Probably in San Francisco they do. Yeah, in San Francisco, I think. most people renting know that? Probably in San Francisco they do. Yeah, in San Francisco, I think. They're always talking about the rules in San Francisco. Well, I mean, I think in San Francisco,

they just figure that if something goes wrong, they will be caught by the safety net in some way. Right. That, you know, that socialism will protect them. Right. As it should. Yes. And so my mom emailed me the other day with, I guess, like an application from a 44-year-old bouncer slash EMT who has three kids, but he doesn't live with them.

And he's looking for a place to stay, and he just needs to get back on his feet. He makes $800 a night bouncing. I can't remember what it is. It's some extraordinary amount of money bouncing. $400 a night bouncing. Hundreds of dollars each night that he bounces. But recently...

You think you're bouncing five nights a week? I think he's bouncing two nights a week? I think he's bouncing two nights a week, maybe. Still pretty good. Three nights a week and then EMTing at other times. That guy likes to get

in the action, man. Yeah. He really likes it. He likes to get his hands dirty. He likes it when stuff goes down. He likes it when there's a... You know what I mean? He likes to say this,

everybody step back. And that really works at both jobs. You need to step away, sir. Back it up, please. And he recently... there was an accident in his ambulance. In his ambulance? The accident occurred to his ambulance.

Okay, gotcha. It affected his ambulance. And the patient and driver died. He survived. Oh, my God. His shoulder got messed up, but they put it back together, and he's doing pretty good now. Yeah. And my mom said, does this guy seem weird?

Are any bells being rung? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, Mom, I'm not saying you shouldn't have lunch with this guy in a public place and have a chat. Maybe he's wonderful. Yeah. But yes. Abcha fucking Lutely.

He sounds terrifying. Oh, my God. He's got dependence and he has something that can make it go, I can't. My shoulder. I got to. I'm just going to be around, really. I'm going to be around a lot. I can't.

That accident. And he's just I'm just going to be around, really. I'm going to be around a lot. I can't. That accident. And he's just looking for a room to rent. Do you think he has his own Nintendo Switch or will your mom need to provide that? That's the other thing. He says not only does he not have a Nintendo Switch. What? He wants my mom to get one of those miniature NES systems, which are very difficult to get. Yeah.

Well, they stopped making those. They're dramatically oversold. You have to go get Craigslist or eBay. It's the only way to get one of those miniature NES systems. How's this guy – how's my mom even supposed to do that? She's already cooking for him. Yeah. So tough situation for my mom.

Very tough. Thankfully, she had lunch with him. She said he was a very nice man, but maybe not a good fit. Let me ask you this. Look, you have a burgeoning media empire here. And I could just tell when we were talking, I guarantee you there were just many people in there. It's actually a crumbling media empire. Oh, is that a crumbling media empire?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Do you want to hear me? Do you want to hear me? I think you've got to change the font. It reads differently outside. It's under the rocket. Greg, would you like to hear me? Do you want to hear me? I think you've got to change the font. It reads differently outside. It's under the rocket. But Greg, would you like to hear me play fiddle?

I would. I would love to. I think you're just spending too much on Unix. That's fair. Sorry, I don't want to listen. I don't want to. You don't want to get to the vomitorium and it's empty. You have to have action there already or else people won't feel comfortable having a good time.

Here's an embarrassing question because what is too much? No, you're right. Yeah, what is too much to spend? I don't know. In terms of general removal? Because I might be where you're at. I mean, listen, they say put one of your paychecks a month toward rent. Right.

Put one paycheck into rent. Right. Right. Put one paycheck into savings. Sure. And then the other two paychecks right to Unix. Right to Unix. Yeah. So that's – okay. And they'll find food for you.

They'll find food. I took a class. You get a letter from a Unix. Will this be like a couple weeks from now? You go, look, we didn't mean – what we were saying, we were kidding around. And I just – if you're a eunuch and you like the show, we're not having sport. Whatever kind of ceremonial genital mutilation you have found yourself in. Yeah. Right.

We appreciate your – We support you. We sure do. We absolutely do. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And no matter what ancient culture you belong to, whether it's Romans, whether it's the Visigoths, whether it's the Mongol horde. Yeah.

We appreciate all hordes. What was Hannibal? Or the Bohemian Club. It doesn't matter. Hannibal? Or the Bohemian Club. It doesn't matter. Hannibal was a, hmm. Cross the Alps, elephants. He had to cross the Alps. Yeah.

He was a, you know what? I would ask our colleague Daniel to verify this. But last week we had him look into whether the tiny octopuses that come with fried calamari are actually tiny octopuses. And he said they were. He looked it up, said they were. Turns out, no, they are not. They are part of a squid. They're the squiddy part of a small squid.

And they just round off the heads so it looks like an octopus. Yeah, they chop the eyeball part out. The pointy part becomes rings. And the squibbly bit becomes a tiny octopus but it's not literally a tiny octopus so we cannot trust Daniel with regard to the question of who Hannibal is

Hannibal by the way the answer very funny stand up comic very funny stand up comic oh yeah very very funny so will your mom I just feel like there may be a way that either audience members or maybe we just bring bring, you know, potential roommates on the show and vet. Make a podcast out of this. A small batch. Yeah. A small batch of vetting this person as a community. You know that our entire audience is composed of 26-year-old guys that work at Twitter

and live in San Francisco's Mission District, right? Right. Oh, right. That's true. Had you now just a thought. Yeah. Maybe, you know, obviously she loves this apartment. It's in a great situation because, you know. Have I thought about moving in with her? Yeah, right.

Gotta get away from the old ball and chain. Yeah. Finally, somebody who can cook. Get in there with the old mom and chain. Yeah. Your mom owns a chain. Oh, my God. Of frozen yogurt places.

Mm-hmm. Have you thought about, you know, maybe, you know, mom moves out, you know, maybe somewhere a little more affordable, sells the place, and then you turn it, sells the place she rents. This doesn't hold up. It's leading to just a dumb joke. Sells her lease. Sells her lease.

You turn the thing. Bar slash ball pit. Oh, yeah. Ball pit bar. And hey, it's going to be... What's a ball pit bar? You mean like a ball pit like with the kids? It's going to be... Like a ball pit for adults? But this is for grown-ups. Well, but it has... Who are kids at heart? So it's going to be- What's a ball pit bar? You mean like a ball pit with the kids? It's going to be- Like a ball pit for adults? But this is for grownups. But it has, who are kids at heart. So it's deeper.

Yeah, yeah. It's way deeper. Well, imagine like, I'm trying to think of who would enjoy this. Maybe like a 26-year-old. Like a software guy. Nintendo Switch. High tech marketing guy. He's got a Nintendo Switch. Switch. Switch. Wow, he's all right. Nintendo Switch. High-tech marketing guy. He's got a Nintendo Switch.

Switch. Switch. He's got one of those little Nintendo entertainment systems. He got that on eBay. And, hey, this place is going to be crowded. You know what it's going to need? It's going to need a bouncer. Oh, I thought you were going to say it's going to need Unix.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's probably going to need both. That's probably why it needs a bouncer. These guys have a couple too many Moscow say it's going to need Unix. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's probably going to need both. That's why it needs a bouncer. These guys have a couple too many Moscow mules. They're going to get rowdy. Yeah. Absolutely. Copper cups. That is something that exists, is the ball pit bar. I think it is a pop-up

thing, so it might not exist all the time. Right. But I was watching videos of people at the ball pit bar. It feels like millennials just can't stop doing things publicly that people go, what? You've got to stop. Yeah. You've got to make people think that you can do more than this when the grid goes down.

Just give old people something to feel okay about. Look, most of them don't want to yell at you about avocados, but you're doing it to yourself now. And look, it's not your fault. When the Wild Things movie came out, we all got confused and wondered who wanted that. And then we figured it out very quickly and we were furious. Now we knew who you were. You had flown your flag, millennials. But you've got to stop with the ball pit.

I've got a little piece of advice for you, Mr. Generation X. Yeah. How about this? Get a job. Whoa. How about this? How about you, Mr. Generation X? Yeah. How about this? Get a job. Whoa. Okay. How about this? How about this, Mr. Slacker? How about you get a job?

Quit slacking and watching reruns of Gilligan's Island. I'm talking about wearing your grandpa's cardigan, okay? Yeah. I so wish that wasn't accurate. I cannot tell you how many guys we were talking about a little bit before. I can't tell you how many guys are my age.

They're like, so what do we, now what happens? You put away enough. Well, enough for a future that was different, not this future. Well, what are you doing now?

I don't know. What are you doing? Are we starting an open mic? Really? Yeah. Just a bunch of old, yeah. Sure.

50 and up open mic. Yeah. It could be at the Sizzler. Starts around five or six. Everybody's in bed by eight. That means we'd have to get, we have to find some old TV executives who are in their 70s to come out and offer us a TV deal. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

I like that. Keep everybody employed. Keep everyone going. Can I tell you guys a quick open mic anecdote? Yes. Please. you guys a quick open mic anecdote please uh this past weekend i attended a stand-up comedy show uh organized by our friend riley silverman headlined by our friend guy branham two great friends of jordan jesse go uh benefit for a great organization here in los angeles called trans lifeline it's a helpline for uh transgender teens and and adults and And it was an amazing, fantastic show,

but it was at the improv, which I realized when I bought the tickets to the show. I've lived in Los Angeles for 10 years, have not been to a comedy club in 10 years. I went to many comedy club shows when I lived in San Francisco. But I have never been to the Joke Factory. Sure, yeah. So what do you got?

I guess you got three. I guess you got the Laugh Factory. You got the Comedy Store. The Laugh Factory, Comedy Store, the Improv. There's the – what's the thing out in Pasadena the Ice House Ice House we did that show

Al Madrigal Flappers loaned us a show that he did at the Ice House for a little while but we did a few shows there yeah

but I had never like attended as I had never attended as an attendee a Los Angeles show and my wife and I the show was announced as starting at 9.30. Turns out it started at 10,

just a trick to sell you drinks. And we got to the, they had us mill around outside. Was this in the main stage or in the lab? So it was originally in the main stage, moved to the lab. Sure. So nice space.

Good room. Great little, great room. I've seen a couple of shows there too. I moved to the lab. Sure. So, nice space. Good room. Great little, great room. I've seen a couple of shows there, too. I like it a lot. Yeah. It's usually, I feel like if you're going into somewhere secondary space, you're getting fucked somehow. Right.

But this is, I think, more fun. Yeah. Anyway. Everybody. Yeah, it's a great, yeah, it is. It's a good room. And I have been able to sell that thing to half. So, that feels very good.

that thing to half so that feels very good everybody uh everybody everybody that worked for the club just super nice to us like super pleasant and nice uh nice bartender uh all that stuff uh but while we're standing outside i'm trying to figure out i'm like there are like eight dudes here who are definitely stand-up comics like none of them do i recognize but i recognize their weird way of talking to each other smoking cigarettes and holding notepads yeah and they're all kind of in a and i you know and they're all in a weird fight that is also a sort of friendship. And then that eight becomes 12, then 16, then 20. And suddenly I'm just in a courtyard of these people, just a fenced in area at 10 o'clock on a Sunday night, completely surrounded by 28-year-olds smoking cigarettes enthusiastically and holding

notepads while yelling stuff at each other. It was the most, and it turned out it's open mic night. That's my what is your worst way to die. How are you dying in this situation? I guess being on fire or sharks or just in a courtyard with comics pre-show. They just keep showing up. Right. Comics who are not quite comics.

These are semi-professional to be generous comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just comics that have that time free. So, Greg, how are you dying in this situation? Are you taking your own life? I just die of smoke. I die of hubris and smoke inhalation. Sure.

Yeah. I was looking for exit plans. I mean, I'm not going to pretend like I didn't consider the sweet release of death. Can I impale myself somewhere? Yeah. Is there – Comedy clubs and chameleons come with the stench of comedy. Sure.

It's a very strange thing with the desire for there to be great with hope from the comics and sort of hope from the club. And that's a lot of pressure to put on comedy. That's why I think in the recent years people have enjoyed it when it hasn't been at comedy clubs because upon entering them, you're like, I'm already let down from the thing I've been expecting. entering them you're like i'm already let down right from the thing i've been expecting and i didn't even and this is and for many people uh especially guys of your generation that's not the way you've come to expect comedy so but i think you know the comedy club era and that whole thing is so bizarre that when you go into it you're like this feels like it feels like part of a universal city walk yeah this is a thing from like world, but it's not the real world version of it anymore. Yeah.

This is like it is just a little step away from a TGI Fridays. That's right. Because it's a business that actually allows you to do comedy while they sell food. You don't have to rent the room. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I have been maybe in similar situations at the Punchline in San Francisco or something. I feel like in a place that's not Los Angeles, it is just that same group of people is 12 people.

And they're more likely to be nice people, even if they're not great at comedy. Some of them may be great at comedy. But like it was so – I have never been in a thirsty – and usually I'm pro-thirstiness. I want to be clear that I am not someone to insult people for their – I get it. I come on strong. Sure. I come in there hot. Sure.

And you'll fall into the occasional thirst trap, right? Yeah. I'll take a big swing from time to time. I'm not anti-thirst. No, right. But the level of thirstiness was so profound and overwhelming. It was so terrifying and uncomfortable to be there. And different than the punchline in San Francisco, you know, this is Los Angeles.

So you're not only standing underneath a very, very bad mural that includes Jay Leno. Oh, yeah. It's a terrible mural. Jay Leno and Jay Moore. David Spade never looking more like Vince Neil. Yeah. David Spade never looking more like Vince Neil. But then also the club is under the expectation that at any moment, any one of these massive stars from TV could come in and make you disappointed for all the things to follow.

Yeah. And so it really is like a weird – and all of the comedy clubs in LA sort of have that. Yeah. have that you know um because part of how those businesses sell their tickets is this kind of expectation that one that at any moment they'll have a 12 comedian lineup everybody's doing their 10 minutes yeah and at any moment any one of those people might get bumped by dave chappelle or whatever right and in the early days it was filled with guys that became stars and it was a new idea that you know in bud's improv and that like you know and so shandling and robin and david letter all those people were at those clubs so it was and it was a small comedy was a very small such a small niche thing you know

whereas now it's like they've got there's 10 stars on their netflix queue so that people are much savvier about it i didn't even know that people still smoke. Yeah, yeah. I know. That seems to be coming back. I'm not blaming the current administration. Do you? I am.

Can we just blame vaping? I mean, relative to vaping. Oh, vaping is a gateway. People start by vaping and they're like, eh, might as well. I think they catch a reflection of themselves vaping and go, I should just smoke. Yeah. That's what I think. I think from my perspective what it is is that for a long time –

Palming it and sucking it in. It drives me crazy. Pre-vaping, there was a long decline in smoking. As people looked at smoking, they thought, oh, that's going to make me smelly. That's going to give me cancer. That's going to make me emphysema. The teeth are yellow. These are going to yellow my teeth.

Whatever. All the different reasons why it's going to make me emphysema, these are going to yellow my teeth, whatever, all the different reasons why it's bad to smoke. And a long decline after that. And at a certain point, vaping came along. And some people said, maybe this will help me quit smoking. Some people said, I enjoy these fun flavored vape juices. Some people love to blow fatty clouds. You know. Yeah. People like to have rigs. Well Some people love to blow fatty clouds. Sure. You know.

Yeah. People like to have rigs. Well, people love stuff. People like to be more like R2-D2. And so there's all these reasons people started vaping. But then other people who weren't smokers or vapors were just walking down the street. They saw someone vaping and thought, fuck that. I'm going to smoke.

Yeah. So they are actually smoking at the vapors. Exactly. How about this? How about real cancer? So people are going to start with cigarettes and then people are going to just start combating vapors with Sherlock Holmes pipes. It's going to turn into, oh, you're going to vape? I wish.

Okay. I'm going to smoke this Sherlock Holmes pipe. The pipe never, like when I was really little, because I'm 54 years old, so when I was really a little kid, guys had pipes. My uncle smoked a pipe, and I've got to tell you something, a guy hitting a pipe later on at night, that smells all right. It does. Yeah, yeah.

That smells okay, man. That's got a boardroom smell to it. Yeah. My uncle feels like success right now, right? Yeah. He slapped a little Aqua V on earlier in the morning, right? He was living in his moment. He was having a pipe.

A little pipe smoke, a little bourbon, a little high karate. The least gross of the tobaccos. Yeah. But then the cigars come out and you're like, now a sex crime is going to happen. Cigars are creepy. I was pipe guy for a while, Greg. Did you do a pipe? In maybe like 25, 26, I was guy who went outside and smoked a pipe

at a bar oh my god a little boy a little borkham riff how'd you how'd you get that going what'd you what'd you smoke boy uh oh what do you oh like uh so i would sometimes go to like a corn cob a tobacconist uh-huh yeah and uh and uh it started out i think i had to buy one for like a sketch i had to be and then you started in a Monty Python sketch at the tobacconist. Right. Yeah. Yes, the naughty tobacconist. And I got one.

I just bought one. You can just buy them at 7-Elevens. I don't know if they still sell them. I don't know if the pipes have been replaced by e-cigarettes or whatever. But I think at the time you could just go to a 7-Eleven and buy like a $5 pipe and then like loose tobacco. But sometimes I would go to like a smoke shop and like, you know, buy nice loose tobacco and stuff like that. But boy, yeah, and it was fun to do and it was definitely like a great conversation starter.

Everybody like wants to know like, what's the deal with pipe guy, huh? But then I'm like, nah, fuck me. You know, fuck me. If I saw me, I'd be like ah fuck me you know fuck me if i saw me be like fuck me fuck that guy you also learn that tobacco is is not the only thing that can be lit on fire in a pipe sure yeah exactly yeah yeah it'll do yes i you know i can smoke something that will do something yeah yeah but it felt just so like cosmetic you know it? It felt just like, eh, you're just, this is your thing to be interesting. And I don't meet that many guys where I go, that guy should have a pipe. Yeah.

But I do thought, I did like them almost just like more than cigars, which seemed to, when cigars, cigars always flare up like a boil. And you're like, oh, I hate this period of life right now. If I see another, the cigar, you know, the thing and a guy standing outside. It feels like we're headed toward that again. I can see the cigar rebirth on the horizon. When I was deep in, when I was at my deepest in menswear world, obviously still a participant, that was the thing. That was the one thing that I least wanted to deal with.

the one thing that I least wanted to deal with. Like, there's all these asshole accoutrements that go along with dressing fancy that, like, guys who like to dress fancy get into. Yep. And even as a non-drinker, I'm totally not bothered

by people who are into, like, you know, single-sourced liquors or, you know, fancy mixed drinks. I'm not bothered by people who want to, like, talk about BMWs. That's, like, less appealing. Or, like, James Bond movies. It's fine.

I like James Bond movies as much as the next guy. But fuck, these people want to talk about cigars. Oh, God. and then they want to smoke a cigar oh no no no i was eddie i will say that i i still when i i when i will do those things i was at a wedding recently that had a cigar bar and started out with the fuck this attitude but then i like have one and liked it nice like have a i have a buddy who still smokes a pipe and we'll sit outside and smoke a pipe every now and then. And it's fun.

I like the things themselves are fun, and doing them with a group of friends I think is neat. But when you blast it out in public. I know that you don't like to drop names, Jordan, but you can say the friend's name. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, he's on the cover of Cigar Aficionado. I could see him making a cigar interesting. Yeah, if he was, you know,

that guitar, yeah, cigar and guitar aficionado have the same people on. And that makes me hate all of it. And also sometimes we invite our buddy Bill Clinton. Just Arnold ripping out a sweet guitar solo. Okay. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico.

Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we're the hosts of Rose Buddies. It's a podcast about the Bachelor family of products. We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, it is garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile. We're the raccoons in charge around here. So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show's on Mondays.

And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required. But it's a good TV show. What are you doing? I mean, it looks lovely with the rose pants as well, but I like the color on its own. It's a good one, right? It's a classic. It's a good classic. Yeah. And I'll tell you, man. It's a classic. It's like a classic. Yeah. And I'll tell you, man. Oh, go ahead.

You do your copy. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Greg Barron. You can have a nickname.

You've been on the show before. Greg, you've been on the show for 10 years. I know, but I don't know if you guys know this, but Greg Barron is my nickname. Yes. That is actually my nickname. Fair point. Yes.

That is actually my nickname. Are you permitted to say your real name or is that a secret? I am able to say it's Winter Davis. Let the record show that that joke is even more timely now than it will be when it hits your ears. It will still be pretty timely when it hits your ears, but it is just a fresh bite of the apple right now. Yeah, yeah. A little bit on the nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is just a fresh,

just a nice, ripe fucking pear right now. Great consistency. Maybe an Asian pear. Hey, speaking of foods. I love an Asian pear. Speaking of foods, we've got some great sponsors this week on Jordan Jessica. One of them is food related, and that's Blue Apron. Whoa.

Let me at them cakes. Let me at them cakes. Blue Apron is a meal by mail delivery kit, and they send you some great stuff every week for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals. Can I clarify something here,

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Dow-dow-dow-dow-dow. Did I go too far? No, please, no riffs. No, if any of you want to make up any riffs for our sponsors, Greg, I'm sure they would appreciate it. Should we just give it a quick, let me add them cakes. Hey, if you got a job that you need a person for, why not go. Let's say you got a big fat job burning a hole in your pocket. You're like, I got a job.

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It's very popular now. Hey, right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. Whoa, wait. So just do it. S-R-E-E, just like World B? Yes, it's free. You go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo, and you get to try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo?

Yeah, that's how you try it for free. One more time. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. There you go. Greg, do you got a riff? Pow! Hell yeah. Yeah.

We also have something. Greg Barron, musician from the reigning monarchs. Starring in Hello, Dolly. Hello, Dolly. In Louis C.K.'s Hello, Dolly. We also have something up on the Jumbotron. Our thanks this week to our friends at VG Kids. VG Kids,

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VGKids.com. Ink it up! Oh, that's good. Thank you. Jazzy. Yeah, it was kind of more of a smooth, jazzy, easy listening kind of riff. As opposed to Gregory's antic rock stylings. Oh, I got the best whammy bar.

VG Kids, and get up! Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow. Meow. Oh, I got to save that kitty. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, where we help you read better. Reading Glasses is a show about book culture, teaching you how to enhance your literary

life and solve your bookish problems, like how do you get out of a reading slump? What's the best book light to use in bed while your partner's trying to sleep? Where do you hide the bodies of the people who talk while you're trying to read? In the basement of my apartment building. Ooh, that's a good place. Let Bria and I improve your reading life every Thursday on Reading Glasses,

Maximum Fun's new culture podcast. Learn how to read better. Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective.

And Greg Barron. That's my nickname. Greg Barron. Winter Davis. Winter Respect is my first name. Yeah. Greg Barron celebrating over 10 years of appearing on Jordan, Jesse Go. Probably.

Haven't looked it up. And forgetting it every time. Every time it's new. Every time. With you guys, I have one of those movie premises where I can't remember what happened yesterday. Sure. We're on our 50, we're probably on our – what are we? On our seventh or eighth of our 51 dates.

Yeah, yes. 51 first dates. So we're going to take you to feed a seal next. Yeah. Is Rob Schneider here? Because I can't wait to see what character he is. Yeah. It's offensive.

It's offensive, Greg. He's pansexual and pan-Asian. Yeah, right. Yes. It could be – Pan-pan. Yeah. So he's branching out.

Not only is he doing offensive ethnic characters, but he's also going to be doing kind of offensive characters of different sexualities. Fantastic. So he's really branching out. And he's backing that all up with his Trump support. Oh, boy. Keeps getting better and better. Oh, it really does.

Rob Schneider, streaming on Netflix. I don't know. Doesn't he have a Netflix show? Doesn't he have a Louis where he wanders around? Yes. First off, it would be nice to see a comedian get a show where he can just be a comedian. Yeah. Or have we seen that?

Well, no, you also have to wander around either L.A. or New York. How's your life going? Yeah. Oh, are you? I'm asking you, how is it going? Oh, you're saying that I could wander around L.A. or New York. I'm just saying How is your life Going in that scenario

George would you Oh it's not going well It's not going well No Can I I'm just gonna give you guys A quick pitch for a show Okay

I love it It's based on my life Okay Ooh I like that I'm a I'm a Podcaster Starting a podcast business

I love it My family Isn't buying it. Okay? They don't think this is going to happen. Get a real job, they say. I work in a crazy office, and I'm Zach Braff from Scrubs. Whoa, cool. Oh, my God.

That's incredible. I think this thing is going to be a smash hit. Let me ask you this. Is he a fish out of water in the business world, and are there doubting Thomases all around? Oh, boy. You got it, baby, especially that harpy wife. Oh, my God.

I'm so glad to see her. And I hope he has to explain podcasting five or six times to old people who don't get it. Yeah. They just don't get it. Miss Leah Remini is great in everything, too. He's a visionary. She's going to be great. He is a visionary.

So excited about that. And Jordan, I'm so excited about your show. I am so tired of, if I could encapsulate what I'm tired of, it's comedians being funny and doing funny things. I want to focus on the fish. You're going to love my new hour then. Real. Get real. Raw. Yeah, yeah Get real. Raw.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Raw. Greg Barrett. The best. It's nice to have our friend Greg Barrett here representing Marin County, California. Sweater up. My dad doesn't. We don't have any family there anymore.

Really? My dad moved back to the city. Oh, wow. He lives on the top of Nopal Hill. Wow. He sold us. You know, we bought a house. He, well, we, because he remarried.

He moved to San Francisco, but we moved there in 1973, and we bought a home there for – In cocaine country. In $150,000 for a home. Yeah. And he sold it for a lot. He sold it. He sold it for a lot. He sold it a lot.

My in-laws just sold their house for a lot. He sold it. You sold it for a lot. He sold it a lot. My in-laws just sold their house for a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It just is. Yeah. So he lives in, because he was born, you know, he's a San Francisco guy. So he moved back. Yeah.

He moved back. So I go to Marin every once in a while. Well, they let you in and it's nice. I was just. Lawns made out of cashmere. They're literally cashmere lawns. They have a few days. They have a few days a year.

They let in visitors and riffraff. Remember the Robin Wright Penns lived there? Really? They live right down the street from my parents. The Robin Wright Penns lived there. Really? The Wright Penns? This is a beautiful story.

Yeah. He wanted to get his kids out of L.A. So he bought a large property down off of Sir Francis Drake, which is kind of a main vein that cuts its way off of the 101 and all the way out to Fairfax, right? And he was afraid that his kids were going to wander into traffic, so he wanted to build a bridge from his home over the freeway onto the other side of the road. It's not a highway. It's a street.

It's actually just a street. And people said no, and I think it went downhill for them there not a highway. It's a street. It's actually just a street. And people said no. And I think it went downhill for them there. Yeah. When the rich started erecting when they started erecting random bridges. Yeah. We'll be building our own bridges. Well, just

neighborhood bypasses. Well, they shot Nash Bridges up there, too. Oh, for sure. Nash Bridges. When I was in high school, Nashash bridges was on television i attended an arts high school in the theater department uh not one of my teachers had not played three different characters on nash bridges local casting on nash bridges just had a pool of 50 people 10 of whom taught at my high school. Anytime there was three lines on Nash Bridges, the odds were

15%. And then Nash Bridges shut down, no one ever shot there again, and that was the end of that. Oh my god. Why don't you go up there to raise money for the school and put on a dramatic do a play of a Nash Bridges.

Do a Nash Bridges, but do it real do it in kind of a Nash Bridges. Like do a Nash Bridges, but do it real. Do it kind of a Tennessee Williams way. Oh, yeah, sure. Just Nash strolls in. He's got a cocktail. Yeah. His wife's drunk again. Yeah, it's so hot there.

It's so hot, even though it's really. Sure. Aisha Tyler would make a good Nash Bridges. This is not a bad idea. Should be a good Bridges. With Margaret Cho as Cheech. Okay. Yeah.

I think we can make this happen with alumni. I like that. I mean, everything's coming back these days. Yeah. You know, Arrested Development's coming back. Yeah. Others. Yeah.

Get them back. I have Arrested Development's coming back again and again. Sure. It's back again and again. And I think, you know. My second time. And I think. Isn't that weird when you're just like, we're just going to put it back on.

What is it? We're just putting that show back on. Yeah. So, I mean, I think, you know, obviously there's a lot of places to bring something back. I mean, you got your streaming services. You know, I think Will and Grace is coming back to TV proper. Yeah. But I think more shows need to come back as regional plays.

Yeah. So, if Nash Bridges goes well, Carolyn in the City. Oh, my God. What was it? Was it Caroline? Caroline in the City, right? Yeah, I say Carolyn in the City. Oh, you do?

Change it. Can I say one thing about Will and Grace? The only weird thing to me about this reboot of Will and Grace, it's 2017. You don't need Will and Grace anymore. Just have the two funny ones. That's right. They can look at a picture of Will and Grace and then you remember something.

In the intro, there's a picture. You just shoot. You just do a kind of Ken Burns style pan across a newspaper headline. Will and Grace died in a tragic fire. Here's the two funny ones from that show.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, right? That's what that show was, was they had a great script about two gay people and they went, well, we can't make that. We got to. Yeah. Here's two funny people.

We better put in two fine people. Two people who are fine. Will and Grace are good looking. They seem nice. Will and Grace, good looking, they seem nice. Will and Grace killed in fire and then below it, charm to spare.

Very charming. They're charming, sure. Yeah, but you know, let's be honest who you're watching that for. Sure.

Okay, that's a Megan, that's the Megan Mullally program. If something momentous happens to you, like Will and Grace die in an airplane crash, to be clear, only the fictional characters would die. No, we don't wish death on the actors.

No, I bet they're wonderful. Who I think we've said have charm to spare. They have charm to spare. These are two fine actors. They were lovely. Yeah. It's not like it's Greg and Dharma. Yeah, no.

They would come back. Fuck them. That's fuck them. I was going to say, there's our regional revival, by the way. They would come back. Fuck them. That's- Fuck them. And you know what else? I was going to say, there's our regional revival, by the way. That would be great to bring that back and kill Greg and Dharma off. Yeah. Because you're like, well, what-

Were there other people on that show? Anything could happen. Didn't Dharma have a mean mom? At some point, John Larroquette probably played one of their dads. Yeah. What are we doing with this big empty sitcom? There's all this furniture and there's all these other friends. Oh, boy.

Okay, when something momentous happens to you, 206-9844-FUN is the telephone number to call. That's 206-9844-FUN. Here's a hot tip. Put it in your telephone, 206-9844-FUN. Just do it right now. You're probably listening to this on your telephone. Then it's ready for you. It's our segment, Momentous Occasions. Here's our first telephone call. Yeah, this is Fish in Seattle.

And I just biked between two cities on my rail bike that I designed and built myself. That is a bike that can ride on railroad tracks. And I did it and I didn't die and it only took me 20 years of thinking about it to finally do it. So, yay. Holy shit. I zoned out. What did that guy talk about? He was talking fast. He said

he just rode... I honestly didn't retain any of it. Well, initially I thought he said a jail bike, which I thought was like prison wine. Okay. It's like something you make out of by fermenting cherry juice. Sure. You sharpen enough toothbrushes, you put them together, you make a little bike.

A little jail bike? A little jail bike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a prison jail bike? Sure. He said something undoubtedly more astonishing, which is he just built his first rail bike. Okay. Which is a bicycle that rides on train tracks.

Has he not just had a regular bicycle? Those will ride on regular train tracks. I mean, I could be getting this wrong. Yeah, yeah, I think Greg's right. I haven't heard of this. But is it, so I'm assuming... It rides on the rail. It must ride on the rail.

That's right, on the rail. So you know the thing that... Yeah, the hobo pumper. The hobo pumper, right. You're making the hobo pump motion. He removed the pump action with the cycling action. By the way, I'm thinking about getting a hobo pumper for Analogist. Well, let's make sure it has a flared base.

Okay, got it. That was beautiful. Without a base, without a trace. Nothing to add. Coco taught us anything. Coco taught us anything. Without a base, without a trace. Yeah.

Yeah, I... So... And then he wrote Between Two Cities. Right. Here's my feelings about it. My initial feeling is fuck you and your pipe. Sure.

Okay. Go stick your parrot up your ass. Right. Okay, that's my initial feeling. Get your iguana out of this Starbucks. Yeah, exactly.

It's the Blank Apache go-to for weird on purpose. Iguana and a Starbucks. However... Oh, penny farthing. However... go-to for weird on purpose. Iguana and a Starbucks. However. Oh, Penny Farthing. However. It's the iguana's name. That's right.

That's exactly right. I love it. Come, Penny Farthing. I've got you your unicorn frappuccino. There is an element to this in my mind. There's a cockatiel down the street I have. Anyway, sorry. I've gone too far.

There is an element of this in my mind of the triumph of the human spirit. Like that guy who made his own bicycle-powered airplane that flew across the English Channel. There's something incredible to me. It's like to my mind there's a part of it that feels like a remarkable – it's like a voyage of the Mimi sort of tale of survival remarkable mode of conveyance story like Contiki

is this guy so this guy made one of these and is like illegally riding around is this like a dangerous sport? You're not allowed on train tracks let's just put that out there unless I believe you are a train like illegally riding around? Is this like a dangerous sport? You're not allowed on train tracks. Let's just put that out there. Unless I believe you are a train.

Yeah. That feels like the rules of the train track. Anything else barring train? I think that's dicey. Damsel in distress. Oh, that's true. That's true. That's true.

That's right. Yep. So that would be, yeah. Or, let's be inclusive, a Dave-zel in distress. Well done. Men can be in distress, too. That's right. That's right. I once caught a Dave-zel in distress this big.

That's the only thing I remember from the movie Dave. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you're just whipping along in a car, and you look across the highway, right? And now we pan to a wide, and there's just this dude. And I kind of see, I feel like he has to pump a lot to go a short way. Sure. And he's really Wizard of Oz-y. Like he's da-da-da-da-da-da, right? And then that thing is just kind of moving along.

And you just go, what the fuck? And then you're done with it. Like you just, from the highway, I love it. It's so bizarre. From a highway, I love it. It's so bizarre. There's also a part of it that I like because you take a bicycle and then you put train wheels on it. And it sort of reminds me of getting a new set of tires in RC Pro-Am for the Nintendo. Or possibly that remote-controlled truck where the claws came out of the wheels, which I believe was called the Animal, perhaps?

Yeah. And both of those things, there's a part of it that I like because it feels like you're giving a cartoon superpower to a standard bicycle. Well, and here's this. Here's this. So I get up at 4.30ish about every morning and I have a beach cruiser and I ride my bike around the valley. Anywhere from 7 to 25 miles. Cool. And it is a bike that feels a lot like an old Stingray.

It's got the ape hangers and it's got big fat tires and the pedals are front. You get it. You exercise within the context of your personal aesthetic. Right. But also the way it's set up, it feels like when I rode a bike as a kid before the advent of the 10-speed or a dirt bike. Yeah, yeah. Right. So for him to get on a bicycle and then ride – and when you rode a run, you're like, oh, my God, this is pre-having a car. This is what it feels like. So to know what the train experience is from the

track, as a person riding on the track, that could be kind of great. What's it like to be a train, sexually? Well, my baby thinks she's a train. The Triffids. 1985. Good year. Good year. Oh yeah, that was a

great year for Triffids. Can I tell you one thing? It would be thrilling to be on one of those things and you go into a tunnel. You know what I'm talking about, baby. I do. I do, baby. You know what I'm talking about, baby. And a train's coming that way.

Oh, maybe I didn't get the reference. If a train hits the guy, is it in danger of the people on the train? No, I think it just sends everything backwards. It ruins the life of the conductor who kills him. He flies off. I don't know. Does your weirdo thing have to be that dangerous? It depends on how much front end there is.

Maybe it just knocks him backwards. He just goes home. They're like, not in this town, friend. What do you think the wheels look like? I think they're huge. I'm sure they probably are. Do you think they're like it's one a yeah i think they're huge i'm sure they go do you think they're like like it's one wheel and it goes down clank onto the thing or do you think it's like a big platform with a bicycle in the middle of it and he pedals and it's got four wheels that's the way i see it

yeah that's that's less good i imagined it with two wheels that have like lips on the sides that go on top of the track. And it goes around like that. So he's just on one part of the track? Yeah, that's why I was so excited about it. If it's just a hobo pumper with a bicycle instead of a pump, that's not that great. But then you're riding on the side of the train track. I guess I am worried about the guy getting hit by the train. The people on the train being hurt.

Or the conductor's life being ruined because he looked at a guy who he killed. I worry about him suddenly being in a Chris Pine movie. Sure, yeah. Maybe a train? Denzel's there. It's going to be okay. Oh, it's going to be all right.

I like Chris Pine. A concern that I have is, could this set back high-speed rail in California just through sheer embarrassment? Could be. Like, will people not support Governor Brown's plan to bring high-speed rail between Los Angeles and San Francisco because they're like, yeah, but did you see that guy had a bicycle on it?

I would say that I'm worried, but I guess if anybody knows when his town's trains are coming, it's this guy. It's the train cyclist. This guy probably spends a lot of time memorizing the train schedule. I hope he has one of those Tour de France helmets that sort of have a teardrop in the back. You know what I'm talking about? Sure. You look like that helmet that the bad guys from Star Wars wears.

and then you drop your helmet. You look like that helmet that the bad guys from Star Wars wears. I never even imagined that he'd be... I was wondering if he's wearing the... Now I'm wondering, does he wear the bike stuff? Oh, yeah, sure. Like a sleek...

Yeah, like the... Whatever it is, it has a Ninja Turtles logo on it. I imagine kind of a turn-of-the-century minor look. That's the way I felt, too. Let's leave it there. He seems much cooler than that. Okay, let's take our next call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Will in Chicago. I teach after-school classes, and as the school year's wrapping up, sometimes I'll get a couple little gifts from students or their parents. One of my students I've had for a couple years brought me a thank-you card this year,

and it were two $10 Panera gift cards. I gratefully went to Panera to buy some stuff with them, thinking I'd get some goodies with me on these gift cards. Only discovered that one of the gift cards had $8.78 on it, and the other one only had $2.50. So, I guess, in total, I had one $10 gift card.

But I kind of wish I would have known that beforehand. But, well, he's eight. What does he know? I love the show. Thanks a bunch, guys. Oh, that's fucking great. Why do you... Good for that kid. So he's just re-gifting Paneras?

Yeah, that kid just got it. Or his mom. Yeah. Just somebody got a $10 Panera gift card, bought some shit. Used a little bit of it. Then was like, ah, fuck this. Give this to your fucking... Give this to the soccer kid.

I can't eat any more broccoli cheese soup yeah or or the stupidest panera employee made the manager come over and go did you put the tax in there yeah it's just ten dollars yeah did you just give him an eight dollar and 75 cent card now he doesn't he it's a ten dollar card you put the tax on top yeah now we gotta give him oh my god just give him just give him10 card. You put the tax on top. Yeah. Now we got to give him. Oh, my God. Just give him another card. No, no.

Put it on another card. Oh, my God. And the person's like, I have to go. I don't care. I'll take both. Please. Can I please go? Yeah.

No, maybe you're right. End scene. I acted out both parts. The characters didn't sound a lot different. I apologize. No, I mean, it's subtle. You are better than the real Don Johnson, in my opinion. Oh, my God. Thank you. That was incredible. I'm not saying I was auditioning, I mean, it's subtle. You are better than the real Don Johnson, in my opinion. Oh, my God.

Thank you. That was incredible. I'm not saying I was auditioning, but I'm just saying. People will know you as Nash Bridges and not him. That would be helpful. Let's take our next call. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Adam calling from eastern Massachusetts with a momentous occasion that happened this morning.

I like your audience. I'm bringing my son Benjamin to his daycare. He was a couple feet ahead of me walking down the hallway carrying his little lunch bag. Gets to the door of his classroom, makes a hard left so he's square up to the door, facing the little handle right at three-year-old height. Lifts his right leg and just kicks the door open like he's on a SWAT raid somewhere. Walks right into the room, drops his lunch bag and jacket right on the floor and just melts into his class, kids going to play.

I was absolutely floored. I had two thoughts come to mind. One, who are you and what did you do with my child? And two, please teach me to be as cool as you. Anyhow, thanks. Love the show. Yeah, that's what's up. Tell the kid he needs a catchphrase. How about time to color, motherfucker?

Yeah, that's pretty solid. That person is going to wear itself out when he drowns at Lake Havasu. I just thought I could take it to the dark place. He sounds like a spirited fellow. It's a concern. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

This is a man. He's already sure. I mean, that kind of a surety. I still don't have that kind of a surety in my own home. Yeah. Passions burn hot in the three-year-old's classroom. I'll tell you that right now. This is a man who will grow up to chug.

Yes. This man has chugging in his future. Yeah, yeah. And he'll encourage others to also chug. Sure. He might even say chug, motherfucker. Yeah. He might even say chug, motherfucker.

That could be his... Maybe that should be his catchphrase right now. Chug, motherfucker. Yeah. Pretty soon he's just going to be kicking down the doors of Buffalo Wild Wings. Everybody's got something to chug. Yeah. You know what?

We do all have something to chug. Or he wants to chug. Or a fucking... How about that for some fucking life advice? Yeah. Man, we just invented... our not just that into you. Just not that into you. Everybody's got something to chug.

Hey, if you're out there and you crochet, send us a nice throw pillow with the slogan, everybody's got something to chug. Everyone does have something to chug. What are we going to do with all the extra throw pillows? Because we're going to get 500. Yeah. How about this? If you're out there and you don't.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Maybe I could trade them at Panera for some broccoli cheese soup. Everyone's got something to chug? What does that mean? Miss Darlene at my son's preschool is just looking at the pillow like, I don't, what is? You can take off the C and it just says hug. Oh, that's a good point.

Everybody's got something to hug. Yeah. Even if it's something lonely. Yeah. Like this pillow. Yeah. You got it. Well, we'll be back.

That's a beautiful note to end this segment on. This is nice. We'll be back. Can we just feel this for a second? Oh, good. My mushrooms are kicking in. We'll be back. Can we just feel this for a second? Oh, good. My mushrooms are kicking in. We'll be back. Circuit of breathing.

Just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Greg Barron, Greg Barron, Greg Barron. Greg. Yeah. It's nice to see you, friend.

Oh, it's always good to see you guys. What a joy. I, you know what my only, you know what my only beef with Greg Barron is? Hmm. Looks better than me. Doesn't come on the show enough. How about that? Yeah.

How about that? I know. I think, A, I will come on here every time. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You are your own magical hero. This guy's out here beach cruising. Mm-hmm.

Beach cruising. He looks taut. Mm-hmm. He looks tight. He looks taut. He looks tight. He's got his signature hair is fully present. Well, that is very nice of you to say. But also, if you see me out there and you see a homeless guy on a bicycle, we do not look that dissimilar.

No. We really don't. We really don't. They ride the big bikes. They're old. They're lean. You know? Yeah, that's a good point. A little weathered. A little weathered. That's the big bikes. They're old. They're lean. You know? Yeah, that's a good point.

A little weathered. A little weathered. That's a good point. And they had a backpack. Yeah. Probably both are wearing Van Halen t-shirts from the late 90s. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. The ones you didn't even want. You were like, why do I have this? Yeah. All right. Well, you know, get out there on the bike. Gregory Barrett. At Gregory Barrett on Twitter.

That's right. It's a fun place to check in with Greg Barrett. At Gregory Barrett on Twitter. That's right. It's a fun place to check in with Greg Barrett. Check in. Do it. We're writing it. We have another book coming out called How to Keep Your Marriage from Sucking. And that will be out probably by Christmas. Hell yeah.

Greg Barrett is a man you can rely on for some quality life advice that will actually be funny. Because in between books, I'm out there making horrible mistakes and then mining them for books. There you go. Yeah. And you're not going to have a better time than going to see Greg Barron when he comes to your town. Oh, yeah.

Get out there. Greg Barron knows out there working the road. Greg Barron knows how to come into town on a Thursday and kill all weekend, head back home to his family with a big fat check. Cha-ching. Greg Barron knows how to handle a little bit of the old song and dance road show. Hey, while we're plugging, I want to talk about two very fun podcasts that I was on

recently. Oh, yeah. Hosted by very cool people. They are new shows. I want to drive people to them. I will have to. Oh, yeah. Hosted by very cool people. They are new shows. I want to drive people to them. I will have to look at Facebook first. Jesse and Greg, vamp while I'm looking at this. Well, I always love to, Jordan, I always love to check in on a podcast when my friend Jordan

Morris is a guest on there, because you know why that is, Greg? He's hilarious. Yeah, because Jordan Morris is going to bring the heat. It's a fire hose every time. Okay. I guess a fire hose is for eliminating heat, but either way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a fire hose every time. Okay. I guess a fire hose is for eliminating heat, but either way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He never mixes a metaphor.

Did you say he brings the fire hose? I wasn't even talking about the heat or the water. I was just talking about his crank. Oh, right, right, right. I call it the fire hose. You bring the fire hose. Yeah. It suppresses protesters.

There's protesters. I'll beat them back. Yeah. What else could we do with this fire hose? Wait a minute. There's a disruption downtown. Hey, I was on a podcast called Heaven Knows I'm Morrissey Now, hosted by Ed Salazar and Kate Dwyer. You go on and you talk about your favorite Morrissey song.

I love it. I had a blast on that show. Who doesn't like an Ed Salazar? I don't know Kate Dwyer, but Ed Salazar is a real peach. I know Kate Dw song. I love it. I had a blast on that show. Who doesn't like an Ed Salazar? I don't know Kate Dwyer, but Ed Salazar is a real peach. I know Kate Dwyer. She's funny. Yeah, yeah. She's very funny.

They are two great hosts. I am glad that Los Angeles stand-up comedians are finally talking about Morrissey. Right. It's about time. Yeah. It really is. It was a very fun show, and we even talked about how we like Morrissey's music, but realize that he's a real piece of shit now.

Anyway, so that doesn't go unmentioned. Yeah. And we even talked about how we like Morrissey's music, but realize that he's a real piece of shit now. Anyway, so that doesn't go unmentioned. I had a friend who was in his band for a year, met him never. I believe that. Met him never. Yeah, he probably flounces out on stage. That's right. Goes, that's it. And it's not like the man was there playing the French horn.

No. It wasn't just down in the pit of the Morrissey concert. Some people may even refer to it as the engine of the band. Nothing. A sideways glance every now and again. But that's it. A really hilarious sketch comedian, Maddie Wagger, hosts a podcast called Fart This, where she describes the scenario and then you make a fart sound.

It's a fucking blast. You should listen to it. Is it just one scenario? No, it's a whole... It's like a party game where someone describes a fictitious scenario that has a fart and then you make the fart sound. It's a lot of fun.

These are all very fun people. New podcasts. Check them out. Fart This. Fart This. Heaven knows I'm Morrissey now. That sounds like a great time. Blast. Well, look, we're headed off to Max Fun Con. It will be just in the books by the time this is finished. I want to encourage people who might not be coming to Max Fun Con to come check out Max Fun Con East.

Still have some tickets available for Labor Day weekend. It's in the Poconos. Greg's been to Max Fun Con. I've been to Max Fun Con. You might have even been. I was at MaxFunCon on a boat. You might even have been at MaxFunCon 1. Maybe MaxFunCon 2. Maybe.

I think it might have been 2. Yeah. I think it might have been 2. Whatever it was, it was a fantastic time. Truly one of the best times. I still have friends from that weekend. It's hard to describe to people what it is without it sounding weird and confusing.

It's like it is, but in a good way. No, it's a manageable festival with a bed. And it's curated by people with taste. Yeah. That sounded judgmental at all festivals. That's not what I meant. That is not what I meant. We're looking at you, Bumbershoot.

I didn't really know what it was. Hey, Bonnaroo, suck Greg Barron's fire hose how about that but yeah the first time I went I didn't know what the experience was going to be

and I was like this was singular and really really great yeah it's like you know you go and there's classes

there's talks yeah I took Roderick's songwriting class oh there you go it was fantastic John Roderick teaching that this year yeah he's great he's great at it he's fun Roderick's songwriting class. Oh, there you go. It was fantastic. John Roderick. Roderick's teaching that this year.

Yeah, he's great. He's great at it. He's fun. Roderick's going to be there. I guess the thing's already happened. Roderick's going to be on our friend Guy Branum's talk show, The Game Show. Hey, hey. It's going to be a blast at MaxFunCon or will have been a blast by the time you hear this.

Yeah, so MaxFunCon.com for all the information or just follow the hashtag MaxFunCon on Twitter right now. Like, type that into Twitter right now and see what people are saying about the time that they had this past weekend and see what I like to have that time over Labor Day weekend in the Poconos, because it's going to be a hoot and a holler. That's how I would characterize it. Yeah. Hoot and a holler. Accurate. Accurate. Yeah.

Even more fun than the Stagecoach Festival, which Greg Barrett says can go right up its own asshole. Oh, man, I was just hating on festivals, man. I'm going after all of them. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, afternoon stand up in a tent. No tents. No tents at MaxFunCon. No tents. Well, let's see. Daniel Butterwell on the boards this week. Our good friend Sonny D. Brian Fernandez, producer of the program

from all the way over in London, England, where here's some shit we should plug. Sure. We're going to be at the London Podcast Festival. Find the information and ticket link at MaximumFun.org, London, England. Yeah, do it. Now, I'm going to give you some real talk. Prioritize this shit.

Sure. Because we're flying 6,000 miles, and we do not have that many fans. No. So between those two things- If you are listening to this and you are in London, you have to come. Yeah. If you all come, maybe we'll have a full house it'll be okay as long as everyone comes you all have to come but you have to maybe bring

a friend this is not a thing that you can fuck around on okay and we're not coming back we're no absolutely not because we won't be invited back. This is the one time. Not after you didn't come. Come on. So just fucking, you have like four months, London. I'm not saying Josie Long's going to be there, not least because I haven't emailed her about it yet. But maybe. She probably will. But maybe. Let's be honest.

If she's in town. She's a famous British comedian known for her charm. Come to our show. No, she's quite good. Okay. Maximumfund.org. you can find information about that. At Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, at Gregory Barron. B-E-H-R-E-N-D-T, at Gregory Barron on Twitter.

Holler at that guy. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfund.reddit.com and on Facebook where you should join the Max Fund group. And you should like Jordan Jesse Go. And you should tell a friend about the you should tell a friend about the show. Tell a friend about the show. Especially if they love storytelling and data journalism. We'll be back next week on Jordan Jesse Go.