Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 486: Dessert Girth with Brea Grant

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

Jordan and Jesse take a break from talking about the toothsome new Mitsubishi hybrids we all love to have some fun with glamorous actress turned podcaster Brea Grant. They get into Brea’s fiancé’s decision to wear baseball pants to bed, the intricacies of Jordan’s new fidget cube, and the time Brea played a character who killed people with her giant breasts.  Plus, Jordan pitches a new SyFy movie called Shadow Shark.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Whether you're buying a brand new Mercedes or an aged jalopy, Jordan Jesse, go is your source for informed opinions and educated testing on all brands of motor vehicles. American, that is domestic, international or import vehicles, whether you're looking for a commercial vehicle, residential vehicle. Yeah. Well, you know, you know what we say here on Jordan, Jesse, go. Vroom, vroom.

Daddy's revving up. You got it. Vroom, vroom. Daddy's revving up. This week, we'll be covering some of the new hybrid options from Mitsubishi. Hey, Jesse. Actually, funny thing about the hybrid segment. Yeah.

We're going to cover the Mitsubishi hybrids. Well, do you mind if we maybe save that for next week? We can, but what are we going to do this week? Well, this is – sorry. This is my bad. But on the way over here, I had the folder with all the research on the Mitsubishi hybrids. Right. The Waft, the Coil.

Right. The Zubaz. You know, the Mitsubishi Hybrids that we all know and love. I actually- The Wisp, the coil. I drove tested the Zubaz. Yeah. What did you think about the Zubaz? Surprisingly agile.

So I was on the way over here with the research, the hard copy research. Somewhat toothsome. And I traded it into the park for drugs. Really? Yeah. Hard or soft? into the park for drugs. Really? Yeah. Hard or soft? It's a grab bag. Right.

Yeah. I didn't even know they sold grab bags. It's kind of like a drug loot crate. Got it. You know loot crate? Right. You get them every month and there's fun geek stuff. It's all, what's it going to be this month?

Is it going to be DC? Is it going to be Marvel? Right. Is it going to be Zelda? It's known internationally as the one subscription service that doesn't advertise on our network. Yeah, exactly. That's the one. And you know, I met a fellow at the crosswalk, kind of on the lip of the park. And he says like, hey, what do you think of Loot Crate? And I started to speak. And then he says, but wait, but for drugs.

Right. And you said, all I have to offer you is this insider information about the new Mitsubishi Hybrid. Sure. Exactly. The Sparrow. Right. The Gaunch.

The Puce. You know, the Mitsubishi Hybrids we all love. Sure. And so, but, you know, that drug grab bag. Oh, boy, say that five times fast. Drug grab bag, drug grab bag, drug grab bag. Sounded pretty good. So I went ahead and traded it.

So I don't have the research. So I thought maybe this week. Well, none of it? No, none of it. I committed none of it to memory. I mean, I remember some of the names... Do you remember the star rating for the sweet milk? Oh, the sweet milk? Yeah. Member FDIC.

Right. J.D. Power and Associates approved. Sure. That was a three and a half. Okay. That's about what I expected. Pretty decent. Roomier than you'd think. A lot of headroom is kind of like a Scion. You get in there and you're like, ooh, this is roomier than I'd think.

Right. Kind of toothsome. Yeah, yeah. But that's, I mean, honestly, that's all I have. So I thought maybe this week we could bring in a celebrity guest from the world of film, television, and podcasting. Right. Have a charming, loose chat. Right.

Some jokes, some stories. Maybe take some calls a little bit later. Right. And just let people get to know us outside of our automotive research. So like, hey, let's get to know the heads behind the gear heads. Right. I think that sounds like a lot of fun. I would love to let my freak flag fly.

I'm known, of course, as a sort of button-down guy. Right, sure. But I'd like to- Maybe undo a couple of those buttons. Undo a couple of buttons, show a little chest hair, and see how she flies. I say let's do it. We'll get back to the cars next week. But this week, why don't we just chat?

Okay, but you mentioned having a celebrity guest on the show because if we had a celebrity guest, I would want it to be a glamorous actor from film and television. Not just a – like a podcaster, fine. That's great. Matt and Mira or whatever. Sure. Matt and Myra. Yeah. However you say it.

Yeah. Who knows? I've only seen it in print. Never heard that name out loud before. But I also want that person to have qualifications as a glamorous actor in Hollywood. I think we got just the person here. Wait, who do we have? We've got Bria Grant.

Guys, I've been sitting in the studio this whole time. I've been listening to everything you said. What? There you are on the other corner of this small studio it's really small i'm sitting about three feet away from you wait a minute bria yeah i know you to be a glamorous actress from hollywood very glamorous however i didn't know that you were a podcaster. What do you have, a new hit podcast? I have a new hit podcast that someone in this room greenlit for me. I'm not going to say who it is. It may be the person sitting three feet from me. It may be the person sitting five feet from me.

It's not me. Called Reading Glasses here on Maximum Fun. It me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm that. Oh, that's like an Instagram reference. Yeah, there you go.

That was good. That was very topical. Does that happen on the Grams? Yeah. People say, it's me, I'm that? No, no. It me is like a little sticker you can put on there. Do you know this?

That's fun. Yeah. Like when something, what's the last thing you said it me about? I took like a photo of me and put it on the thing. That's a little literal. It may. Isn't it supposed to be like a dog with sunglasses or like a bird that landed on a taco? Oh, that would be really cute. It me.

I know. I'm very literal. I don't like metaphors or jokes. I don't like anything. You only put it on things that are you. Yeah, literally. It's just me. I kind of like that.

It me. It me. Yeah. But yeah, no, I think that is supposed to be the meme of when you see something that you think exemplifies your essence. Oh, yeah. I mean, I think the go-to it me is pizza rat. That was everybody's it me for a while. Everybody felt like they were a pizza rat?

Yeah, they just felt like they were, you know, dragging pizza through an urban wasteland. I don't identify with that. For me, it's the Mitsubishi sweet milk hybrid. Great. Uh-huh. Sure. I like that headroom. Member FDIC.

Uh-huh. Like that hybrid, I've got a surprising headroom. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. And the toothiness. Mm-hmm. Toothsome. Yeah, great.

Good. Yeah, gotcha. I am both toothy and toothsome. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Mine is a SpongeBob where everything is going groovy and crazy on the outside of it. That's you. That's me.

Yeah. That's me. Spongebob is used in a lot of those types of memes I find. Yeah. I'm too old for it, but I like it anyway. Yeah. Like I didn't watch Spongebob, but I like to identify with it. Right.

When you're tripping on shrooms. Yeah, because he's like, whoa. I feel like that's the one everybody always uses. Yeah. I don't know what it's in reference to. Mine is a short video clip of SpongeBob's voice, surprisingly coming out of Tom Kenny. It's just sort of, it's amazing because he's a master of voices. Sure.

When it comes out, it seems incongruous. Yeah. It me. Mm-hmm. I'm that. You got it. I'm that. You know it. I'm that. You know what my real it me is?

As Jordan, you know this, and this has been something that has come up on many Jordan Jesse goes in years past. Maybe you don't know this, Bree, about me, but I'm a big baseball fan. Okay. One of my favorite things about baseball is that it will often, you know, cast a wide net for its baseball superstars. Mm-hmm.

And that often brings in some unusual names. Go on. Sort of the patron saint of Jordan Jesse Goh, I would say, is former Minnesota Twins pitcher Boof Bonser.

Great name. Are you making this up? No, that's a real baseball guy. I think so. Baseball guy. That's what you call him? Yeah.

He was a first year draft pick. Base man. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. A ball fella. And you know, in our,

it sounds like what you like, like racist uncle calls your like gay cousin. He's a ball fella. He's racist, but also like secretly homophobic. Yeah. cousin. He's a ball fella. He's racist but also secretly homophobic? Yeah, yeah. Right, exactly. He's both. He's not a progressive man.

Right, right. Okay. Anyway, I have a new hero. He is not a major leaguer. And he is not necessarily – he's 24 and he's in A ball. So I'm guessing that he may never become a major leaguer but he did just finish second in the carolina league's home run derby congratulations to him a home run derby uh his name is sick narf loop stock oh boy sick narf loop stock

that's a good one yeah sounds like he would be a pod racer in episode one. My fiance also really into baseball. Yeah. Not so much like he's into the names. I don't know if he could name a baseball man, but he is really into the pants. Uh-huh. And because he was at a baseball game and he was like, those look like comfortable pants. Baseball pants. Baseball pants.

Baseball pants. And he wears them and sleeps in them every night, baseball pants. Really? And if we're just hanging out around the house all day, it's always baseball pants. So where do you get a pair of baseball pants? I think eBay. Okay. That makes sense.

And maybe also like a sports store. Big Five. Yeah. You gotta go down to the Big Five. But it's, you gotta, like, I looked into this one time because I tried to get him another pair and it was really hard to find a good pair. Does he just have the one pair of baseball pants? He's got them, he's got like, I think he's got several, but they're all the same color.

They're gray with blue stripes. Okay. Oh, okay. That sounds versatile. So even when he's at home, he's on the road. I don't get it. Because baseball players wear gray uniforms. Oh.

Okay. Okay. All right. Yeah. If you're going to make a specific baseball joke, just explain it to us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get it because baseball players wear gray uniforms oh okay okay alright yeah I guess so if you're gonna make a specific baseball joke just explain it to us yeah yeah yeah

sorry about that but it was funny it was funny in hindsight I loved it that really works that's a nice joke I just did

a Jordan Jesse Goh listener actually named Harry hosts a podcast for Sports Illustrated called The Narrative and on that show I just did a half-hour-ish interview about stirrups, the special decorative socks that some baseball players wear on top of their regular socks.

And do you – they're just decorative? Well, here's the story with stirrups. Let's get into this real quick right now. So basically in the 1860s, baseball players started showing off their socks. So that's when all of the baseball teams. Sexy. Sexy time. Well, this was very sexy.

This was a big deal at the time. It would be a big deal. Ankles and everything. Calves. Calves. Sure. So they started wearing high pants, right, at the knee, which was, you know, just like you might picture like if Sherlock Holmes was going hunting or horseback riding. He'd be wearing high pants with stockings. So that's what baseball pants were like, right?

And that's when all the baseball teams became called like the Red Sox or the White Sox or whatever. Were these pants kind of floofy? Like, you know, they were like cloud-like a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Exactly. They were looking for something a little floofy? Like, you know, they were like cloud-like a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Exactly. They were looking for something a little floofy and cloud-like in a wool flannel. Great.

And eventually baseball at their time, very rough and tumble game. Around the turn of the 20th century, players were sharpening their spikes, their special baseball shoes, so that when they slid into second or third base with their feet up, they would hit the opposing team in the calves and cut them up. Oh, my God. Yeah, very, very rough and tumble game. And the concern was that when they hit the calves, the non-fast color in the socks would bleed with the blood into the bloodstream and give them something called blood poisoning.

Okay. Now, I don't know if blood poisoning is real. Sure. Sounds like a very turn-of-the-century thing to get. No, it's real. It definitely seems like something that came up after they figured out that they weren't dying of miasmas. Right. Too much black bile.

So they added a second pair of socks underneath their, so they were woolen stockings and then underneath they were plain white socks that came to be called sanitary socks or sannies. Then a lot of other guys were like, I'm wearing two socks. This is very uncomfortable. Why am I wearing two pairs of socks at the same time? And they would cut the toes and heels of their outer socks off so that there was just basically a strap underneath the arch of their foot holding that outer sock on. foot holding that outer sock on. Then they started pulling those outer socks up to accentuate the little tiny bit of strap that you could see above the shoe. So fashionable. Then, and that essentially moved up and up and up and up and up through the course of the 20th century until like in the late

60s, it was two thirds of the way up the calf on a Frank Robinson or something like that. And then this is where it gets crazy. They started making socks with a stripe on the side that looks like you're wearing stirrups even when you're not wearing stirrups, the outer socks being the stirrups. So it just goes back to a tradition of puncturing people and superstitious blood diseases. Yes, exactly. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

I mean, the really nice thing about, and the reason that some players still wear the stirrups, is if you do get stuck in the leg, it balances your humors. Oh, that's nice. Bria, your fiance, to what kind, okay, how complete is his baseball pant wearing? Okay. Does he wear it out, I guess is my question. I need a context for this. He was at the baseball game just not because he's a baseball fan.

No, he is. He is a baseball fan. He was not going just for the fashion. Okay. I just want to see some new pants. He was in Dallas. Where could I go to see different pants? He was in Dallas, and I guess he likes going,

he doesn't, he's not a sports dude but he was like, he's into going to baseball games because he likes them because they're kind of slow. Yeah.

He can hang out and talk with people. Sure, sure. And then he often, he is a music producer so he often has bands in town so he takes them with him.

Right. So like, it's a band visiting from like Czechoslovakia. He lived in Dallas and he's like, come to this Dallas baseball game.

I'm like, isn't that fun? All American. Yeah. Have a slice of apple pie. Yeah. And then he would, he lived in Dallas, and he's like, come to this Dallas baseball game. Isn't that fun? All-American. Yeah. Have a slice of apple pie. Yeah, and then he would, at one point- Eat some ice cream out of a little helmet that's upside down. He had the discovery of, damn, those pants look comfortable. And then he was like, I'm going to buy some of those.

Does he wear them out of the house? No. Has he ever worn them out of the house? No, it's more of a house pant situation. So like baseball of the house? No. Has he ever worn them out of the house? No. It's more of a house pant situation. So like baseball pants and t-shirt. Yeah, or a baseball tee. Oh, okay.

He likes the like three-quarter length. He goes for a full ensemble and often sleeps in the full ensemble. What of his clothing does he not buy at the Big Five? That's the only things he buys at the Big Five. Otherwise, he's a big... Actually, he really likes shoes that look like 1930s running shoes. And then shirts that look like an old doily, like it's falling apart, like holes in it, like old t-shirt. Okay.

This is, first of all... I'm describing him like he's the craziest person in the world, and he's not that eccentric. First of all, he must be great because you've described just a list of nightmare qualities. So his other qualities must be fantastic to make up for these qualities. These are admittedly smaller areas of concern, but with relatively high levels in each category. Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm never going to be concerned about like, am I really going to be concerned about what he's wearing? This is not, it's not like he's like, I got to wear like a peacock hat everywhere I go.

Like something crazy. It's just like, he just wears clothes that look like he walked out of a dumpster. I also like that he is, I like the idea of being like easily influenceable, like going to the baseball game and going, oh, I got to have this. I like the idea of him seeing fly fishing for some reason and then he just comes home in those rubber pants with suspenders. Right. He goes to a football game and all of a sudden he's wearing those shoulder pads everywhere he goes. They looked comfortable. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like – here's my concern. Okay. All right, please. I'm going to get into these quickly. We're not married yet, so you could possibly talk me out of this. Well, if you invite me to the wedding, I'll have my opportunity. Sure.

Speak now or forever hold your peace. Yeah, let's talk about baseball pants around the house. So with regard to baseball shirts. Okay. That seems relatively reasonable to me. They're not currently at the peak of fashionability. It's, you know, they've come and gone. Wait, you know what I'm talking about?

The ones with the different colored sleeves. Yeah, with a different color. Yeah, that's a baseball shirt, right? Yeah, a baseball shirt. That's a baseball shirt. Okay, great. And, but, you know, it's a comfortable shirt, yes. Sure.

Do you run some risk of being confused for an extra in an episode of Cheers where they're playing a game against Gary's old time tavern? Yes, you do. That's a big concern for me. That is, certainly, but perfectly reasonable, I think. I don't have any problem with it. It's got that nice curved hem. Yeah, it's great. concern for me. That is, certainly, but perfectly reasonable, I think. I don't have any problem with it. It's got that nice curved hem. Yeah, it's great.

It's great. Here's the thing about baseball pants. Okay. They're not comfortable at all. They're super itchy and weird. Have you worn them? Yes, to play baseball in. Oh.

Yeah, I definitely remember. I mean, that's what I was kind of dancing around as well, is I remember, like, my little league days just wishing I could play in like shorts with an elastic waistband. Oh. Because – They're so – they're like – They're polyester, right? You guys are telling me he's been lying to me about the comfortability of these pants.

Well, does he do the splits a lot? They're stretchy. He does – not that I know of. High kicks like karate kicks? Not really that I can think of. And honestly, I've never put them on. I just assumed that when he said they're comfortable, I just believed him. Here's the thing.

Okay. They are the worst kind of polyester. It's like the stretchy, blocky, scratchy. You know what I'm talking about? I do. Now that you're saying it, I believe you. It's not like the fake silk kind of polyester where it's just clammy. Right, which would not be comfortable to sleep in either.

No, it's the kind where it is, yeah, it's like woven. Like it doesn't breathe. It may breathe some, but the main problem is scratchiness. Yeah. Well, I mean, is it possible? Yeah. That I don't know when the last time you wore a new pair of baseball pants was. For me, it was probably when I was 12 years old or something.

Is it possible there have been leaps in baseball pants technology and that the baseball pants he is buying now are, you know, soft and comfy? Maybe they have Instapump. Sure. Maybe there's some pumping. We used to only have regular pump. I guess I'll look into this, maybe try them on. If they're very uncomfortable, you guys think I shouldn't marry him? Or what's the thinking there?

Because, I mean, obviously he's a crazy person. Does he have other good things besides this band from Czechoslovakia. That story doesn't check out, by the way. I picked a country. Yeah. Because Czechoslovakia doesn't exist, so I don't know why I thought of that place. It's a made-up fantasy world. Like Narnia.

He has a cat. Bands from the former Czechoslovakia really only exist in NPR stories. Sure. You would know. Yeah. He has a cat. Okay. That's good.

Okay. Cats are nice. How did you, when it came time to co- I mean, I imagine you guys live together. We do. Did you take to the cat? Oh, you know, the cat and I have had a little bit of a rough go. Sure. But we've come to love each other.

Oh, that's nice. Now the cat really likes me a lot. But at first he liked to pee on things that I owned. Oh, interesting. But now he only pees on things I own when I leave for a long period of time. Oh, so that's nice. It's the opposite. Yeah.

Are cats like parrots where, like, they bond to a person and then if they add people to the family, they just attack them and they live for 60 years. God, I hope not. No, definitely don't live for 60 years. This cat's already eight and I'm hoping maybe he's got another eight. You're hoping he's gone soon. He has another two. I'm just kidding. No, I've grown to like the cat.

Despite the urine. Yeah, yeah. He's a big Persian. He kind of looks like a creature from like a Jim Henson movie. Like he's like giant and Persian. But your boyfriend wears the pants to bed. You're really interested in these pants. I don't – okay.

Yeah, to bed. He sleeps in them. I don't want to pry into your personal life. No, please. Please do. That's why I'm here. And I'm not asking for anything too personal or explicit. Okay.

But I think that probably you two have engaged in romance. Would he wear the pants in a situation that might lead to romance? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Because he wears them. He doesn't wear them to bed.

Okay, wait. He doesn't wear them to bed every night, but he does wear them to bed. Just on romantic nights. Just on nights that he knows it's going to be romantic. Yeah, he lights some candles, You throw on the baseball patch. Put on that Kenny G CD. Yeah, I mean, he wears them to bed. Wow.

Does he wear a baseball belt? Uh, no. Oh, you got to get him a nice blue baseball belt. Well, he just wears them around the house. I mean, they stay up. Why would you? Is it just for decoration or fashion? Yeah, well, I mean, you.

Well, maybe he should him some of those socks. If he's going to have the shirt and the pants. Just in case someone tries to stab his calf with cleats. Some tall socks with... Get him some sanitaries and get him some stirrups. Yeah. I mean, it could be an offense. Can I ask you a question that is

related to stabbing? Yes. I don't know if this will go anywhere, because I'm not... What would you do if your boyfriend tried to engage in romance while wearing those pants? Would you stab him? Have you...

It's something I always like when we run into each other and we catch up is I like to hear about the things you do because they're far more interesting than the things I do. I doubt that.

And I always like hearing, have you been killed in any interesting movies lately? Because you have a really interesting career of being killed in horror movies. Murdered. So many movies. Because I'm not the attractive lead person. I'm the best friend who's kind of quirky and has a lot of opinions about things.

That's me. So you deserve to die. I deserve to die because I have a lot of opinions. Oh, boy. So I do get murdered often. You know, I haven't been murdered in the last couple movies I've done. Spoiler. Wow.

Oh, boy. I have murdered people. Ooh. And I've gotten seriously hurt in some of them. But in the last year. You just rolled over an ankle? Yeah, like rolled over an ankle. Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

Just, uh, yeah. Oh, ow, oh. He's got a splinter, splinter. It's a horror movie. Yeah, it's a horror movie about running in flip flops. Ah, fuck. I did do one where I kill my whole family with an ax. Whoa, cool.

And I'm not crazy. It's just like a really intense thing. Reasonable. Yeah, I think that's a pretty fun one. Do you, now. It's a family of thing. Reasonable. Yeah, I think that's a pretty fun one. Do you now? It's a family of trees. Yeah. You grew up, ironically grew up to be a woodsman.

That's really sad. Now, what do you prefer as an actress? I mean, obviously you want to have a variety of roles. You don't want to just do the same thing every time. And, you know, variety is the spice of life, of course. But if you had to pick, do you like being murdered or doing the murdering? I like that you throw out a phrase and you're like, because this is always true. Variety is the spice of life.

Yes, we all know that. We all know that this is the thing people say, so it must be true. Sure. You know, there are some out there who don't like variety. And I will acknowledge them. Yeah, go ahead and read The Hollywood Reporter. Sure. Right.

For your trade news. That's an insider joke. Look, it's pretty fun killing people. It's pretty fun surviving. I will be real with you. Like, one thing I do like about doing the movies when I'm playing the quirky best friend is usually I'm getting paid somewhat similar to the main person, but I don't work as many days because I die.

Oh. Or I'm like, somewhat similar to the main person but I don't work as many days because I die. Oh! Literally. Interesting. I did one movie where like for some reason, this was like two years ago, and I don't die in this one, but for like half the movie, it's called Beyond the Gates.

It's on Netflix. I'm like sleeping in this movie for so much. And I don't know why. Like I'm just like my character is exhausted. And there's a joke where I try to get my boyfriend in that movie to have ambient sex right at the beginning. So clearly I'm a girl taking a lot of ambient. And even though I'm not crazy, maybe that's another thing. Oh, your character is a girl.

A woman. A woman. I had pictured a house cat. Yeah, yeah. You know why? Because I'm sleeping all the time. Right. Yeah, it's good.

So I'm sleeping so much. So we're shooting at night and I kept just sleeping through the whole night. I would just go to sleep because I'm sleeping in the movie and I just slept, which is the best acting job I could ever have. You would sleep on the set when you were portraying yourself sleeping? Yeah. Because your method. No. You could sleep?

It was the middle of the night. I was just tired. With like glee glands on you. You'd be shocked where I can sleep. I also kept having – you know when you're sleeping, you're like, I know I'm supposed to be doing something. Like you have that feeling where you're like, I should be getting up. I kept having that and I kept almost talking during the scenes. Like waking up and saying something and then I wouldn't.

Just saying a random line. Yeah, the AD was laughing because he said he'd see me jerk every once in a while because I just straight up slept. I'm in a movie. I'm being filmed. Did your character have a, when you said you said Ambien sex like it was a thing. Okay, yes. And I asked this question too because I did not know about this. But this is apparently

a thing. You take an Ambien. You put on some baseball pants. Just kidding. You take an Ambien and then you have sex before you fall asleep and it's like crazy or something. Really? I don't know. Do you guys know?

You're nodding like you know. I've heard about that. You heard it? I have not heard of it. This is my first time hearing about that. I've only had regular sex. Sure. But I have heard about Ambien sex.

Interesting. Apparently it's like you do it before you fall asleep. Is Ambien the one that makes you sleepy? Yeah. I mean, I would think so. Yeah do it before you fall asleep. Is Ambien the one that makes you sleepy? Yeah. I mean, I would think so. Yeah, it sleeps you up. Sleeps you up. It makes you eat in the middle of the night, right?

You'd wake up and you'd be like, I ate a tub of mayonnaise because I'm on Ambien or something. Right. Ambien. Yeah. Interesting. I had sex with a guy who wears baseball pants by choice. So it seems interesting to have to time your falling asleep with the person you're having sex with. Anyway.

Yeah. I could see that being a challenge. Well, like, especially if you're different weights. Sure. It's going to hit your system different speeds. Absolutely. Oh, in the movie, he hasn't taken one. It's just me.

I'm like, hey, let's have, I just took an Ambien. And he's like, you want to have Ambien sex in my dad's bed? And that's how he's got a big laugh in the movie theater. That's pretty funny. Because we're also sleeping in his dad's bed. So long. That sounds like a whole thing. Yeah.

Okay. Have you ever worn a squib? Yeah. A squib is the thing that explodes when you get shot in a movie, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's like what they do with like a remote and it explodes and it like looks like blood like you got shot.

Yeah. It seems like it would hurt. It's really scary. It's scary because it feels like someone just like, like took their two fingers and kind of like pushed you in the chest real hard. Yeah. You know, like it's like. I don't want that to happen. No, actually, I am really scared of squibs because for some reason I'm like convinced that's how somebody famous died on a set.

Oh, I don't know. Has there been a squib death? No. Bruce Lee's son Jason Lee was shot with a gun that was supposed to have blanks in it. And he got shot with a blank. Brandon Lee. Brandon Lee. Yeah.

Jason Lee is the... Jason Lee got shot on the set of My Name is Earl. Right. Yeah. For some reason I'm scared of squibs, but I do have a... You have had to squib before. I've done them, yeah. I understand why you're scared of them because it's like you don't have – it's a weird – it's like the same reason I can go and have someone take my blood.

But then I can't deal with – I have this like self-injector for my migraine medication. And I hate using it so much because I have to like press the button and I know it's going to like poke me. Yeah. That would be horrible. And it doesn't hurt that bad. I mean it hurts a little bit, but it doesn't hurt that bad. Like I wouldn't – like if it was a matter of like putting my hand on a thing that hurt that bad, it would be fine. But it's just that it's like weird and pokey.

You're right. It's like that, but even worse, it's like you have the thing on your hand and then at some point someone's going to press it. Yeah. And that's what freaks me out about it is that I don't like the idea of someone else doing it, even though I know it's not going to hurt me. I just don't want them pressing it and being in charge of when I'm going to get hurt. Sure.

And then, of course, you have to pretend that you've been shot. And then you fall out. It's called acting. Yeah, but that makes it easier because it's so scary. Yeah, I guess you are, like, naturally a little bit scared. Yeah, but it works out because you kind of, like, react regardless, you know? How did you like the axe as a murder weapon? Oh, well, okay.

It is a good murder weapon. Yeah. A lot of times it's fake because I'm real small and I can't really, like... Oh, yeah. I'm very weak in the arms. I'm very... I'm a weak woman. And so a lot of times it's a fake axe, but I, like, pretend it weighs a lot.

But it was a good murder weapon. My best murder weapon I've ever had, though, was a pair of giant fake breasts that I wore in a movie. Okay. And I'm... No one can see me right now, but... Yeah, your hands are way out there. Okay, they were this big. They're like, what,

two feet away from my normal breasts. You're indicating roughly a basketball. I would say it's bigger than a basketball, yeah. It's like a yoga ball. Yeah, like on each. Yeah, so they made this movie called Smothered, which never saw the light of day. I don't know what happened to this movie.

I can't imagine why. And I live in a trailer park. After it went to Cannes. Right, sure, yes. Standing ovation. Didn't sell at Cannes. And then I smother these people with, I pretend like I'm going to have sex with them, and I smother them with my breasts. Wow. And they're these giant, fake,

it was like literally a vest designed to fit my body with giant, fake breasts attached. This is a feature-led part. Did you just go to a... Straight offer, man. Just a straight offer. No audition.

Group audition. No audition. Just literally they called me, paid me pretty well. Can I say that? Do you guys see it? Yeah, yeah. They paid me pretty well.

We try and avoid profanity. We focus on smothering with enormous breasts. With enormous breasts. Listen, this is the... I never said I was like a high level, like a high concept actress. I'm just saying these are things that I have done. To be fair, that's an extraordinarily high concept. Yeah. Also, I just feel like there is part of me that I – and I've tried to quit doing this.

But I'd be like, wouldn't it be funny if I did this movie? It's something I often would say like, wouldn't it be funny if i did this movie it's something i often would say like wouldn't be funny if i did a sci-fi movie and then i did and part of me thinks maybe i should quit doing that in my career doing something as a joke isn't that weird that i did that movie where i wear giant boobs and like what and i wish i you know now looking back maybe shouldn't do it are you are i mean i guess there's probably some concern because people saw the title smothered and they probably just thought it was a horror movie about Waffle House hash browns. That's with cheese, right? Yeah, with cheese, onions, and –

Oh, Smothered's just cheese, man. Is it just cheese? Yeah, diced is – I'm from East Texas, so diced is onions. Yeah, I guess they're scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked. Oh, chunked, that's tomatoes. That's – okay. Or is that chili? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Anyway.

Who could say? Uh, wait, so what sci-fi channel in the movie did you do? Were you in a Croco Gator or a Sharkodon? Yeah, uh, this was years ago. It was called Ice Road Terror, and I fight a giant, um, speaking of weapons, I fight a giant, like, lizard thing that seems to live

under the ice, which, when you think about it, it's a really bad place for a giant lizard. Sure, yeah. I fight him with a blowtorch at the end, and then we blow him up. Cool. Yeah, but it took place on the ice roads. Right.

This is a really boring... It's actually pretty boring as a movie. So I guess they were probably trying to capitalize off the mania for ice road truckers, probably. And they're like, what if this also had a lizard yeah but you'll be i've been asked to be in several the shark movies i've never done them i did it i almost did this one called trailer park shark this year but i did not

do it i did not end up doing the fake breasts weren't big enough for you they're like these fake breasts are so reasonable did you get what did get? Like a nice note from the director? Dear Bria, I really appreciate it. I happen to be at a screening in Cannes of your movie Smothered. Yes. The crazy thing about Smothered is actually it was like one of the most fun sets I've ever been on. The movie never really like came out, but it was a really fun script. It was actually super fun.

I would imagine that the people would be kind of self-serious and. No, they understood it was a joke. It was definitely a joke. They knew it was a joke.

I would, you know, can we start a hashtag campaign release Smothered? I think it is out somewhere because people will write me on Twitter occasionally and be like,

saw you in Smothered. And I'm like, how have you seen it? I haven't seen this movie and I don't know if I ever will see it. A lot of people pass through con or – Yeah, sure.

You know, on a – On Sundance. At Sundance this year, it was a big hit. Yeah. Exactly. Palm Dwarf. That's what it won, right? Yeah.

Yeah, but it is amazing how many shark-based movies Sci-Fi Network puts out. Yeah. There's one recently someone was telling me about called Damn Shark. And I could not figure out what that was about except that I think it's a shark full – A dam full of sharks. That one. I would imagine. Yeah. Damn made of sharks?

Think about that. Here's what I'm picturing is like – Scary. Scary. Yeah. Yeah. A dam is holding back like a sea of sharks or like a lake of sharks? That's what I'm envisioning.

Yeah. And then at some point, maybe there's a crazy guy trying to blow up the dam, who's going to flood the town. That actually is the exact plot to Trailer Park Shark 2, actually. Oh, wow.

A dam busts, and then it fills up the trailer park. Do you think I could write a SyFy Channel original? I do need $800. Yeah, then that's very possible. Do you have a shark idea? Pitch me.

Pitch me. Oh. And tell me what role I'm playing. Okay. So. I feel like if you take this to sci-fi with Bria attached, you're good as well. It could actually happen. Yeah.

Okay. Here it is. Okay. It's called Shadow Shark. Okay. And it is a, okay. Here it is. It's about a shark.

Great. A famous shark that he's, like, he's a roadside attraction. Okay. In a redneck town. Yeah, I'm familiar. So a redneck town, come see the famous freshwater shark, they'll say. Okay. We'll punch that up.

He won't be called the freshwater shark. He'll be called something else. And it's like this roadside attraction. People can.'ll say. Okay. We'll punch that up. He won't be called the Freshwater Shark. He'll be called something else. And it's like this roadside attraction. People can- Super Shark. Great. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, people are coming by.

Trampy. Families on vacation. Okay. They're coming by this, you know, this like hurry, hurry, step right up tourist trap kind of place. And, you know, you got a colorful family who owns it. And then you have a smart talking college student from the town who has to work at the shark tent to make a little extra money.

Okay. Played by Bria Grant. Okay, great. I love it. And she's majoring in chemistry and Krav Maga. Okay. This will be important later. Not marine biology or something shark related?

No, that should be it. That thing you said. Okay, marine biology? Yeah. Okay. Or just teeth. Yeah, sure. Major in teeth.

And Krav Maga. Toothiness. And Krav Maga. Toothfulness. Yeah. Dentistry, I guess. That's probably something. So, yeah.

So, people come from far and wide to see this shark. Marine dentistry. Marine dentistry. Come from far and wide to see the shark. Okay. The shark. It's some kids sneak in late one night. They're drunk.

They're making out. They're topless for the DVD. Everybody's topless. And you know what? I'm progressive. They're hanging dong too. We see male dong in this. Wow.

Can I interrupt you here? Yeah. It me. You're that. You're those teens. So the teens, they're prodding the shark. Oh, yeah. And you kind of feel badding the shark oh yeah and you kind of feel bad for the shark

exactly yes exactly who's the monster who's the monster this is a big question we ask ourselves and so after being taunted it eats the teens a lynch mob forms an angry mob

of townsfolk who once loved the shark. Oh, yeah. What are they wielding? Pitchforks. Giant breasts. Some of them have giant breasts. Axes. Axes.

Axes. The gamut. Squibs. Whatever. Any weapon. Arms to the teeth with squibs. Any weapon. Make the shark uncomfortable like someone poked him with two fingers in the chest. Squibs. Whatever. All the... Any weapon. Make the shark uncomfortable like someone poked him with two fingers in the chest. Nobody wants that. Just to poke him in the nose.

Poke him with two fingers in the nose. Put a squib right there. You get the remote control. Pa-pow. They're not going to care for that. Oh, but then there's blood in the water. Yeah, oh boy. So it's going to backfire. It's going to attract bears. That's the third act. That's the third act.

That's our third act. So the townsfolk come in. They're angry. These kids were football team cheerleaders. Football team members and cheerleaders. Ah. Yeah. They hate the shark. They want him dead.

Our protagonist, the college student that's studying dentistry, Krav Maga and marine biology, steps in. No. Marine dentistry. Marine dentistry. And Krav Maga. She says he's innocent. He was being taunted. We have the security camera footage.

They will not see reason. They burn down the tent. The shark dies. But then it comes back as a shadow shark. So this way the shitty CGI isn't that bad because it's just a shadow that kills you. So the ghost of this shark haunts the woods around where the tent was set up. It kills people. And then once their blood soaks into the ground, that's when you have bears.

Bears come. And the end is people fighting bears and they forget about the shark. Are they shadow bears or standard bears? These are real bears. Got it. Are they the kind that can ride a motorcycle? Yes. Yeah.

These are Russian motorcycle bears. Do they wear tiny hats? Yes, they do. Yay! That sounds like a major concern. I have to tell you, there is a Ghost Shark movie that I've already seen on Sci-Fi Channel. I'm not in it, though. But I have seen it. There is a part where he attacks people and he literally jumps out of a

cup of water, because he can't come from any water. But yours does not seem related to water. water sure he's like a hungry wonder twin i don't oh yeah yeah yeah sure yeah he's a hungry wonder sure sure he um anyway he can jump out of like water okay like a cup of water he literally jumps out and eats someone like that also there were kids that's good they were they were like washing their car and then he like jumps out have you you thought about auditioning for real movies? I'm not in this Ghost Shark movie.

The straight offer situation does seem to be working out fine. It's fine. I can pay my bills. But I'm just saying, maybe if you went off offer only. You know, I'm not offer only. I feel like we're getting real in the bed. I do. I audition for real movies.

Do you think you could send some of the extra offers over to me and Jordan? Yeah, send them your way. I think I can't, I don't want to speak,

I don't want to speak for Jordan, the star of the 27 Faces of Death. What was it? Oh, the ABCs of Death 2. ABCs of Death 2.

I've seen that one. Yeah, yeah. Directed by Rodney Asher. I have my brain taken out in that. Anyway. In which segment? It's in Q, I've seen that one as directed by Rodney Asher I have my brain taken out in that anyway in which segment?

it's in Q I think okay yeah alright I've seen it so I don't want to speak for you Jordan yeah

but speaking straight offer though straight offer great 200 big ones yay I was happy to get it speaking as the star of

Expressions College of the Arts commercial. Wow. Nudity required. I'm willing to take your excess offers. You know what? I don't. If you do nudity then, you're willing to do nudity. I'm willing to do nudity.

Well, then I maybe should send a figure. You didn't hear that it me? I'm that. Yeah. Listen, I have some. I'm just telling you the worst of the worst. I don't want everybody to think I'm a total hack. No. Although I don't mind it that way.

Yeah, I feel like you were in a lot of like credible things. You've directed your own movie, which I saw that was very good. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. Thanks. Appreciate that. I do like doing the low budget weird ones, though. I would love to Appreciate that. But I do like doing the low-budget weird ones, though. I would love to do that.

It's something about it. It's so fun. And I know people are like, but that's really – I do feel like maybe some people would view it as a career mistake. But there is part of me that's like, I just got to tell a story about how I murdered people with my boobs. Yes. That's a good story. And at the end of the day, we're all just storytellers. Sure. Enormous breasts.

Yes. Enormous breasts. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Hal Loveland. I'm Danielle Radford. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion.

Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers. New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, yeah. Dig it. Dice and Bites Podcast. Dice and Bites

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bria Grant, YA dystopian hero. Yeah, absolutely. What book are you reading? You're a multiple books at the same time. No, no, not usually. Not usually?

Me either, man. Can't do it. I will read a nonfiction and a fiction at the same time. Okay. What do you got on your nightstand? That's what us NPR hosts like to say. When you want to create a driveway moment. You talk about what's in your nightstand.

You got it. Or a Czechoslovakian rock band. Yeah. Right. Exactly. I'm reading actually a book. For some reason I thought it was why it's not. It's called Heroin Worship, which is – you might be into it.

Actually, it's about a – it's by an author here in L.A. It's this woman, Sarah Kuhn, and it's about an Asian-American superhero and her Asian-American sidekick. And it takes place in San Francisco and they fight demons. But the sidekick has to, like, take over for her. But it has – Heroin Worship. Heroin. I'm saying it. So this whole time,

I'm like, where is the heroin? Where do they get to start shooting junk? Am I saying it wrong? No, you were saying it right. I think you could also say heroine, can't you? But I think heroin is a very definite... I'm 100% certain that's an acceptable pronunciation. And I just have to tell you,

it has really good sex scenes in it. Really? Which I was shocked by. I did not expect it. Except I should have known because her new book is coming out

and they're having the release that the Ripped Boat Bodice. Oh, yeah, sure. Which I, you know. I mean, I guess I'm guessing from context clues

that that's some sort of romance literature store. Yeah, and I didn't realize but it is these very intense sex scenes that involve superhero powers. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Pretty great stuff.

Yeah. I was pretty stoked about it. I am not unfamiliar with those kinds of sex scenes. I, right now, am reading All Creatures Great and Small. No. And I am also very familiar with superpowered sex because I have a lot of ambient sex. So I'm not actually flying, but I kind of feel like it. Totally makes sense.

Yeah. I feel a little bit like you're flying. That sounds fantastic. Very sexual. It's great. I'm almost finished with it. What is an example of a power in a sexual situation? Well, in this one, she can shoot fire out of her hands spoiler um this is a spoiler but whatever

uh the book has been there's the sequel is about to come out so if you haven't read it yeah uh and so but when she gets like hot and bothered she has to like control the the situation so she's like about to have sex she almost like shoots the guy's head off but then also cool stuff happens like she just creates a ball of fire. It hasn't actually been used specifically for sex. Sure. I could, you know, I could see how you could use it to create a mood. Yeah.

Great. You could have a little ball of fire. You know, you know, it's always weird. It is fire. How much light. Put on like some Chaka Khan. Sure. Well, it's always weird how much light to have on when you're doing, you know.

Is it? Do you? I think it is. I feel like it's, you know, you want to indulge all the senses but you don't want there to be glaring overhead lights on, so what do I do? I turn on a hall light? Do you turn on a tap light? What do you do?

How do you strike that balance? I love to indulge the senses. So it's somewhere between a candle and a ball of fire. I've been having a lot of cardamom sex lately. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Indulging. Indulging my senses.

You have to indulge the senses. You have to. Yes. Yeah. I always, in that same tone, like when people, like when a food ad describes it as sinful. Oh, yeah. I always feel like there's ants on my face when that happens. My mom used to make these things when I was a kid called sinful potatoes, which is just potatoes.

Fuck, but they're not married. Yeah. Yeah. And like a pound of sour cream and then a ton of cheese and then bacon. Hell yeah. And now, and then you mix it together and you put it in the oven.

Your mom is Southern? Yeah. Yeah. My mom also Southern. And her thing is like a, it is a ball of cream cheese. Yeah. And you roll it in crumbled Oreos. Yeah.

And then you dip it in chocolate and then you freeze it. Yeah. And it's just this ball that you eat and it's great. And then you feel bad. But then you dip stuff this ball that you eat. And it's great. And then you feel bad. But then you dip stuff in it? You do it like a cheese ball? Yeah. You just straight up cut it and eat it in slices?

Oh, no. The cream cheese has been rolled into a ball. So you eat it like a cheese. You eat it with crackers or something. No. It's just. I guess it is just a little ball that you put in your mouth. Oh, it's like small.

Yeah. In my brain, it was like big like a cheese ball. Like a loaf? Yeah. Like a cheese ball. You're familiar with cheese balls. I know what you mean. Yes Oh, it's like small. Yeah. In my brain, it was like big, like a cheese ball. Like a loaf? Yeah, like a cheese ball. You're not familiar with a cheese ball. I know what you mean, yes. No, not like that. Anyway.

Great. Fuck in the South, huh? Yeah. Huh? It's a place. Isn't it great? All that shit sounds great to me. It's real good.

Yeah. I'll eat anything. As far as I'm concerned, I won't eat anything, but I'll eat anything if the question is, well, is this too heavy to eat? Oh. I will gladly. The answer is never no. Never yes.

Never no. Like put cheese on it. Put red meat on it. Put gravy on it. Oh, you're into it. Put ice cream on it. Wow. Put those things.

I am like if I don't like it, it's because it's just candy and it doesn't have enough fat in it. Oh, okay. So you have like a salt tooth, not a sweet tooth. I have a sweet tooth, but I like a dense, heavy, sweet item. I want

really thick ice cream. Like I don't like a... Don't give me sherbert. Oh, sure. Okay. I don't want..., don't give me sherbert. Oh, sure. Okay. I don't want.

Like not a jelly bean. You want like something full fat. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Thank you. An angel food cake. I'm that.

Sure. It's us. A pound cake. It's all of us. Yeah. I don't want a pound cake. A pound cake's thick. It's thick, yeah. I think of it as like being the thickest cake

and it kind of makes, when I think about it, I think like, I'm not going to be able to get through that. How often are you- Cake's too thick. Too thick.

Cake's too thick. How often are you ranking cakes by thickness? You know what? Probably more often than you would think. When it's just me and the girlfriends.

I'm a big baker. So I would actually say probably more often than you think. I make an olive oil cake that's pretty good. Yeah, what is an olive oil cake?

You just put, it has olive oil in it. And instead of like a regular oil, and then you just serve it with like strawberries. It's very light. You wouldn't like it. It's very light. I don't like cake. I mean, I don't hate cake.

If you put cake in front of me, I'll shove it down my gullet. But I don't particularly enjoy it. Like to me, you know, like when people get into cake and pie, in my mind, I just sit there and think like, is this something people have a hard time with? Like it seems, I'm like, nothing. And there's anything wrong with cake. You mean like people when they eat too much of it? No. No. I just want to eat pie.

Just give me some pie. Oh, yeah. Pie is a thousand times better. I don't understand. No, like I just want to eat pie. Just give me some pie. Oh, yeah. Pie is a thousand times better. I don't understand. It's thicker, though. It's a thicker, richer experience most of the time. I'm looking for a thicker, richer experience.

We can all agree girth is important. Yes. I mean, people will talk about how long cake is. Sure. That's not what you're looking for. And you want your dessert to be good at all. Exactly. And a patient lover.

And the lighting has to be good. Yeah, the lighting. How about the lighting around the cake? I mean, it's not good lighting. You want to indulge the senses. Sinful. It's obvious. Sinful. We already know that in your rich, rewarding, romantic relationship, you're not indulging the senses.

Unless you're talking about the sense of itchiness. Okay, he's not having sex in the pants. He's not doing a Mormon thing and just unzipping the fly. He has a hole in the baseball pants. They're religious baseball pants. That's not what's happening. Can I tell you guys what I've been indulging in lately? What have you been indulging in, Jordan?

I got, listen, if there's one thing, I have a few key qualities. A few qualities people, you know, that come to mind when people think of me. Garelless? Yeah, sure. I was going to say fidgety. Fidgety. Fidgety. I am too a little.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, you know, have always been, have been fidgety for life. I mean, we've often laughed on this show about how I, when we first met, I would get mad at you for being fidgety and like breaking things. Yeah. I would get mad at you for being fidgety and like breaking things. Yeah. And then maybe like 18 months into our friendship, I realized that if you came into my room, if I handed you something that wasn't important.

Sure. Like a Bic pen. Yeah. Then you would just fidget with that. And it would be totally like a totally. I was like stewing in my own juices over this. Yeah. Thinking it was an act of aggression. And then I was like, oh, no, I can just – if I just have a koosh ball in a drawer, I can just –

Yeah, koosh, koosh, koosh. So, yeah, but – and I was interested because fidgeting is in vogue now. Yeah, that's true. The kids love to fidget. Yeah, they love the fidget spinner. We have spinners. Yeah. So I – and these are not things that I am searching for online, but for whatever reason, all of my Facebook ads and shit for a while were for fidget spinners and fidget cubes.

Now, I've used a fidget spinner. My children have fidget spinners. I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old who have fidget spinners that they asked for when they completed their achievement charts. Not bragging, but they're very- Do they do that often? Yeah, they're very highly decorated. Good at chores. Yeah.

And I have used their fidget spinners, and the reason that the fidget spinner is a fad is that it is extraordinarily pleasurable to play with. Yeah. So I have not tried the spinner. I'm very curious about the spinner. Ball bearings. Two words. Ball bearings.

Oh, boy. But I gave in to the ads that were shooting at me and got a fidget. You got a new kind of wallet. I got a new wallet. I got a cube. So I get ads for shoes and stuff, and you get ads for fidgety things. Yeah, yeah. It's basically like we know who you are.

We get your deal. Wow. We are jacked into your brain. I get ads for incest porn. Yeah. So each of us get a different kind of. So here I'll describe the cube. It has, you know, it's a cube.

It has six faces. Classic cube. Yeah. 100%. And it has a... It's telling white people what to do with a disapproving look. Sorry, that's classic ice cube. Ice cube, okay, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

So it has six faces, and one is just a place for your thumb, and then there's a little... Which one's the thumb? This thing? I think there's just that little space for the thumb. Oh, the one that looks like a thumb. And so there's a switch. You can clack the switch. There's just that little space for the thumb. Oh, the one that looks like a thumb. And so there's a switch. You can click-clack the switch. There's like a little thing you can spin around with your thumb.

It's like a joystick on a PlayStation controller or whatever. There's just something that spins, and then there are five buttons that – here's the fucking devious part of that for me is they are aligned like the Mortal Kombat buttons from the arcade machine. So I'm like, well, hell yeah. This is already a sense memory that I like. So you can just go to town on all this stuff. What they've realized is that all that really matters is a

satisfying Switch. Yeah, sure. This is why I only have 1970s stereo equipment. Yeah, I mean, definitely, like, Switches have taken a dive in our lifetime. Switches are worse. Can I just say, I mean, definitely, like, switches have taken a dive in our lifetime. Switches are worse. Can I just say, I want to backtrack one moment.

Yes, please. I really enjoy the story where your friendship, Jesse, it was so important to you that your friendship stay, you have a good friendship with Jordan, that you started to keep things around for him to fidget with. That's a cute story, guys.

Well, I love Jordan. That's so sweet. Jordan and I have been friends for a long time. I owe you money for those koosh balls I ruined. Well, I love Jordan. That's so sweet. Yeah. Jordan and I have been friends for a long time. That's a great story. I owe you money for those koosh balls I ruined. I owe you nine bucks. Let's just say that I was Jordan's RA at the time. That's true.

I was coming in with a lot of issues. When you're an RA, let's just say you don't have to pay for a koosh ball. Ooh. All right. Where was this at? What school?! All right! Where was this at? What school? Various trainings. Where is this at?

UC Santa Cruz. Oh, okay. One of the koosh balliest campuses. Sure. I could hope. It's like that or, what do you call them other ones? The other balls that people hit with their feet?

Hockey sacks. Thank you. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very sack and ball based college. Yeah, I could see that. I was reminiscing about this at work today about our freshman year at UC Santa Cruz. My sophomore year.

Your sophomore year, my freshman year. I don't know if they did this in your sophomore year, but I remember, or in your freshman year, but during our orientation, you know, some of the teachers came up and talked about the classes that they were teaching. And there was a dude there and he was teaching an intro to Tuvan throat singing. Oh, yeah. The Tuvan throat singing class. Very big. What? Is this a joke?

It's not a joke. No, I know. It sounds like a joke about a hippie college. It is not. So, you know, Tuvan throat singing is like, I'll do a bad imitation of it. It is very beautiful when done well. It is a very cool thing to listen to. If you like hear one of those old guys

playing a little guitar and doing it, it's very cool. It's remarkable. It's cool. Let's hear it. So it's like Who does this? Like a Tibetan man will do it. Is what you guys are doing racist right now? It might be. It might be.

No, because I am doing a white person doing it. So yes, that was the issue. I feel like my freshman year, part of the scenery that I just could not escape was white guys with dreadlocks and no shoes just sauntering around campus going And it's like, even if they can generate two tones at once, which I think is the goal, I don't want them to.

Sure. Did you, you could walk around your campus without shoes? Oh, sure. Oh, absolutely. It was encouraged? In fact, I think there may have been a rule against wearing shoes on campus. They just passed a rule at my university where I think you can carry a gun. Which was? University of Texas. Hey, there you go. Right? Isn't that university where I think you can carry a gun. Which was?

University of Texas. Hey, there you go. Right? Isn't that? I think you can now carry a gun. Hook them horns. Yeah. Kind of different school.

So, Bria, as a fidgety person, what do you think about? Or shoot them, classmates. Shoot them. Yeah. What do you think about the cube? Yeah, it's good. I like it. I mean, it's a little too many things for me, honestly.

Like, there's too many choices here. If I'm going to fidget with something, I'm more like a fidgeter, like, in that I move my body a lot when I'm talking. Okay. Which I think is fine because it, like, burns extra calories or something. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, sure. That's my help. You can get some steps in.

I get some steps in because I'm, like, literally just, like, gesturing wildly. Vibrating. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of, yeah. But I don't necessarily always fidget with my hands. I do always have to have a bottle of water or something and usually something to eat also if I'm doing anything else. Like I will sit there and eat through an entire meeting. Gotcha.

Right. So you have to have a pocket full of energy bars. Pretty much. I carry around a chocolate bar like everywhere I go. I'll take my thing back. Thank you. I think, Jordan, I was disappointed by its heft. Yeah.

It is light. It is very light. I would like it to have a colder, more metallic feeling. And I'd like it to have a little more heft. One of the things that is my favorite about the fidget spinner is that it is really substantial. It really feels like it could hurt a child.

Okay, but what do they... So your kids get them and then they spin them? Yeah, you can kind of spin them on your finger. You can spin them on a table. So it's like you can do tricks. They have each, you know, you've seen them, right? They have three. They sort of have three little prongs and they have a ball bearing thing that you pinch in the middle.

Okay. To spin it is immensely satisfying. It spins so good for so long because of those ball bearings. But you can also grab the ends and spin it from the ends. So it's just like very well balanced. I mean, were you guys the right age to the time when the only thing that was important in youth culture was those things where it's like a handle and it has two balls coming out of the end of the it's like a it's like a nine inch stick and there's two balls and they go clack clack clack clack oh yeah what is that those are fun atomic balls it was like something that like got invented by someone who wanted it to demonstrate

science but then it turned into pogs yeah yeah those are cool yeah same idea but like less annoying because it's not loud. Yeah. And also uses future technology because it's all balanced like a scooter. Now, what are these things? Yeah. Hoverboard type thing. Sure.

Yeah, the hoverboard thingy. Segway. Segway. Oh, Segway. Yeah, like those are real balanced. Yeah, they have an interior gyroscope. Yeah, it's what the spinner has. Yeah.

The thing I like the most about it, and maybe I'll give this back to you guys and let you try it now that I've all explained, is this,

is the little thing here that's kind of like a joystick. Okay. And the great part about this is you can stick your finger underneath it

and make it go up and down, which I really like. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. See if that's more satisfying. This sounds like

it's going to be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to it. It's my favorite part other than the Mortal Kombat buttons. I don't totally understand what you're talking about. It feels like, you see the little joystick part? If you can lift it up and down. It's not even designed for that, Jordan.

No, I think it is. It's designed to push it. Oh, I see. You can get up under there. When you and Nick Weiger work, pitching jokes back and forth, Are you doing combos on the Mortal Kombat buttons? So I have not taken this to work yet. I have this in my car and I have it around the house.

Does Nick Weiger work at Midnight? He does, yeah. We sit right next to each other. Jordan on this week's Doughboys, by the way. I'm on this week's Doughboys. I've listened to one of your Doughboys in the past. That show's funny. Doughboys is fucking funny as shit. So here's my thing. I like the cube. Iuh Boys is fucking funny as shit. Yeah. So yeah.

So here's my thing. I like the Cube. I'm a big fan of the Cube. It's in the car sometimes. Mostly at home. Oh yeah. If I'm watching some TV you know I'm fidgeting. That's great though.

But I don't. It's great for TV. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it. You know there's like that urge to like check your phone or whatever

when you're watching TV and I'm like this is nice because I'm fucking around with something, but I'm also paying attention to this show. And I don't have to back up because I've missed something. There's part of me that wants to take the cube out in public, but there's part of me that says, no, Jordan, don't do that. Don't be the guy with the fidget cube in public. Oh, I wouldn't know what it was, so I wouldn't judge you. Now, if you had a spinner, I'd probably judge.

Yeah. I would probably think you were setting off a bomb somewhere. Yeah, right. This is a- That's going to look like that. Yeah, yeah. Can I recommend a course of action for you with Fidget Cube? Just a sort of philosophical thing that has helped me a lot.

Yeah, thank you. It's W-W-T-V-C-M-D. Mm-hmm. What would the vaping congressman do? Oh, sure, yeah. He would probably fidget in public. I mean, if the guy isn't spinning on the floor now, he will be. He'd probably fidget right into Zoe Lofgren's face, sure.

He'd probably fidget right into Zoe Lofgren's face. W-W-T-V-C-D. Great. So yeah, I like the cube, but I'm trying to limit my cubing to private times and podcasts. To podcasts and private times. Pulling on the joystick I like. It's fun To private times and podcasts. To podcasts and private times. Pulling on the joystick I like. It's fun. It's real fun.

Yeah. You guys are more into it than I am. There must be some – it's a masturbation thing? It might be. It might be. I'm not into it. It might be phallic. Yeah. Yeah.

A little bit of fire just came out of my hand. Oh, no. Okay. All right. So, yeah. That's it. But I want to try this. I do want to try the spinner. So I might try the spinner at some point.

It's a nice device. It costs $3. Oh, cool. Oh, wow. Yeah. China, it's an amazing country. They're incredible manufacturing capabilities. They can make anything.

Yeah. Yeah. Is it just made by one person? One person made it and then there's a billion knockoffs? One guy makes them all in his workshop in Buffalo. I listened to a whole interview about the guy who made the slap bracelet. Oh, I got a slap bracelet in my office right now. It says you can't touch this.

Nice. Wow. Is it from the 90s? Yeah. Apparently that guy made no money because he brought it to a toy fair and then he showed it to people and people were like, that's cool. And then they went back and made it. And he did not make any money.

And he's still trying to find his next big thing. Oh, gee whiz. What has he been doing in the meantime? He keeps trying to make a big thing. He had something else. He was like, now I'm doing this thing. And it was something that was not a slap. You gotta patent it. Oh, by the way, I'm patenting that shark movie. So nobody make that.

I already made it. Oh, fuck. I made it. Fucking Sci-Fi Network, man. She got the offer sheet. She signed right up. Oh, offer only. Bria over there.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. A lot of times my instincts are wrong. They're mostly wrong, but they're not wrong in the sense that, like, I misread somebody. They're just extremely limited to my, you know, to my idea of who they are. That was Mark Maron. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm the host of NPR's Bullseye. I'm so excited to tell you about my new show, The Turnaround.

Join me as I sit down with some of the best interviewers in the world to ask them about how and why they do what they do. We'll go deep. Some of the biggest names in media, everybody from Terry Gross to Jerry Springer to Combat Jack. That's all on The Turnaround. Two episodes a week this summer. Subscribe now.

Tell a friend. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Bria Grant-Wye, dystopian hero. Can I mention Yes. Got a new podcast out now. It's called The Turnaround.

Yes. It's only this summer, twice a week, where I interview the world's greatest interviewers, from Larry King to Ira Glass to Terry Gross to our friend Mark Maron, past Jordan Jesse Goh guest on multiple occasions. It's a real hoot.

So if you're a journalist or you're just interested in how it works, it's a really fun show. I get in weird psycho dramas with a lot of people, and it's really cool. You're talking about Maron's show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And the Doughboys. Oh, great. Yeah.

So my recommendations are WTF with Mark Maron and the Doughboys and the show great yeah so I my recommendations are WTF with Mark Maron and the Doughboys sure hey speaking of things I've auditioned for I was on Maron I was on Maron that's cool

totally have made out with Mark Maron on television hell yeah wow I auditioned for Mark Maron same role

same role make out with Mark Maron yeah yeah and they want me to wear these giant breasts yeah I don't know yeah you gotta do it

you gotta do it I auditioned for Maron once for the Maren IFC show. That's right. Yeah, to be an annoying loser with a podcast who wants Mark Maren to come on his podcast. Yeah. And I'm like, why did I not get that? How who got that? I don't know.

I did not see the episode. That's like if, I don't know, Eric Estrada was the star of 8 Mile. Eminem should get that part. Sure. It's literally him. I know. Anyway. It me.

It me. I'm that. I'm annoying podcast failure. I always enjoyed watching Marin, both because it was a great show starring our friend Mark Marin. I always enjoyed watching it for that reason. But also there was an intern character. It was like a hapless intern character on the show, Maron. And I always would watch it and look for traits of our producer,

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, who for quite a while was Mark Maron's intern. Oh, that's so funny. So that was fun. A lot of fun insider stuff, huh? How do you guys like show business? I'm loving it. Oh, man's so funny. So that was fun. Lonnie, a lot of fun insider stuff, huh? How do you guys like show business? I'm loving it. Oh, man. Yummy.

Give me more. Living the dream every day. It's so sinful. The sinful delights of Hollywood. But your podcast, a truly recommendable podcast, is about reading and how to read better. Yeah. It's about reading, culture, and literary life. Are you embarrassed to do that podcast with your co-host Mallory,

who seems to read 75 books a week? I should be. I should be because she literally reads like – she does read like so many books a week. How is it possible? Is she building an addition to her house out of books? You know, I don't know. She does have a lot of books, and I know she's moving her and her boyfriend so this is a whole thing

right now where they have to like combine. Oh, wow. Combine those books. But yeah, she reads a whole lot of books and she's much better read. Like, I will literally,

every time with the podcast, I'm like, I'm reading and I start to say the title and she finishes my sentence because she's already read it. And I'm like, whatever.

So I should be embarrassed. But the thing is, I have opinions about things, which is all you really need to have a podcast. That's true. So that's what I do. I don't even have those.

And she has knowledge. So between those two things, we have a podcast. Hey. You know, while we're plugging. Yeah. Can I plug something?

Yeah. I want to listen. I talk a lot about work because I spend a lot of time there. Yeah. I just want to say, if you don't fucking watch At Midnight, you should watch it. We had a great week last week. It's a really fucking funny show. It is.

I think we're on break for a couple weeks, so I think our past week of shows should be up there on the old website or on the Comedy Central app for a while we had uh three of the queens from rupaul's drag race wow a whiz banger of an episode we it was an amazing episode uh kristen shaw we had kenny g was on wow and he fucking had a saxophone and he would play a sax riff every time he made a joke. After? After, sometimes before. Instead of a joke. All three. Okay, great. Before, after, and in place of. Yeah, G can use that sex.

He knows how to use it. That's literally his thing. Yeah, yeah. Very sexy. He's sexy and he knows it. I was on last week with professional wrestler Dolph Ziggler. That's amazing. So yeah, a lot of weird, funny guests that you might not expect.

A lot of fun jokes. I think the show is as funny as it's ever been. Watch at midnight. And I think we've mentioned this, Jordan, but in September we will be in London, England at the London Podcast Festival. If you are in the United Kingdom, and you know what? I'm including the entire United Kingdom. I don't care if you're in Northern Ireland. I don't care if you're in Northern Ireland. I don't care if you're in Swansea, Wales.

Yeah, we're looking at you, the Welsh. I don't care if you're on one of those islands that Britain got in a war over in the 80s. I say you are required to come to Jordan, Jesse, go and bring somebody. Because here's the reality of the situation, Jordan. The kind people at the London Podcast Festival were thrilled with the performance of Judge John Hodgman last year at the festival. They said to me, let's bring Judge John Hodgman back.

I said, great. We had a great time. I know John wants to go. Sounds great. And they said, can we bring Jordan Jesse? Go to. And what I could have said was, no one will come to that. It's not a popular show.

Yes. What I said instead is, why, yes, of course, I will accept your kindness and largesse. Now, have you thought about doing something fun like accents when you go? Yeah, well, we're going to do American accents. Maybe do British ones. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to do American accents. Maybe do British ones.

Here's what we're going to do. One of my favorite things is when a European person tries to do an American accent. So we will be doing the whole show as Brits being American. So we'll be like Hugh Laurie as House or Christopher Eccleston in The Leftovers or Liam Neeson in anything. Yeah. I mean, I think I can go ahead and do Hugh Laurie, the one that is closest to an actual American accent. Sure. Okay.

I think you should probably do – I mean, if you're going to do anything, it should be Liam Neeson in Taken, right? Yeah. I'll be – or I could do Cumberbatch in Doctor Strange. That's a weird one too. But – so yeah, we'll be sorting out weird, unplaceable, regionless American accents to do for the whole show. Sounds great. It sounds like a lot of fun to me.

I'm excited about it. I think you could spend the whole show just doing that, just coming up with it. Yes, that's right. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. Yes. Uh-huh. It's a podcast. I'm from America.

Yeah. Are you? Yes. Are you interested in listening to my podcast? That's right. It's a podcast. Jordan Morris. Are we going? Are to my podcast? That's right. It's a podcast. Jordan Morris. Are we going to do a podcast?

Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Just a boy from Brooklyn. Yeah, that's right. What do you guys do if no one shows up? We just do it for each other? Yeah.

I can't speak for Jordan, but I don't really do this for the audience. I do this for me. Yeah, sure. This is something- So if there's no one there, you still do it? Yeah. I can't speak for Jordan, but I don't really do this for the audience. I do this for me. Yeah, sure. This is something. So if there's no one there, you still do it. Yeah. You're going to still do it? This is about my relationship with myself.

Oh. You know, this is sort of a me time type situation. And I appreciate that Daniel comes and runs the board. I appreciate that when a guest comes by, I'm always glad to hand Jordan something to fuck with. Yeah. Great.

Maybe I'll bring the cube to our show. But I mean, overall... As a special guest. Yeah. What do you have to say about that, QB?

Ooh. It'll be like R2-D2, only I can understand it. I do this for the passion. And I do it to work out my deep-seated emotional issues. Yeah. What do you feel like you worked out this show? I've worked out that I'm a narcissist.

Okay, great. So I'm a sort of solipsistic narcissist. I really only see my own interests. And, yeah, so that's pretty much where I'm at. I haven't changed that at all. Great. But I'm that at all. Great. But I'm really enjoying it. Great.

So you're just sort of slipping into the role. I'm really savoring it as a sort of sensual experience. He's sinful. Yeah, just sort of rolling it around in my mouth. He's so sinful. Like an R, like an American R. At least like an American says an R. Yeah, that's right.

I am an American. Uh-huh. Hello. Are you interested in buying a car? Yes. I have a very particular set of skills. Yeah, that's right. I'm an American. Uh-huh. Hello. Are you interested in buying a car? Yes. I have a very particular set of skills. Yeah, that's right. When something happens to you that is momentous, we ask you to call us for our beloved signature segment, Momentous Occasions.

The number to call is 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Put it in your phone, and that's one thing those clowns in Congress can't take away from you. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Cassie, yes. This is Darren calling from Canada with a momentous occasion. My 5-year-old came home from kindergarten and told me he is starting a bone collection. He then pulled out of his bag a severed femur bone.

I ended up having to call the police. My son, me, and the police officer went to the forest where he found the bone, and the biggest raccoon I've ever seen fell to a tree and almost landed on us. Love the show. I think he needs to tell us what it was, right? The raccoon was a little bit of a non sequit landed on us. Love the show? I think he needs to tell us what it was, right? The raccoon was a little bit of a non sequitur. The raccoon is just cool, but

didn't tell you what... It's worth a separate call, though. I don't think he understood what the idea of a button or a punch is at the end of a story. I think he would really struggle if he got to do panel on Fallon. If he had a good segment producer. would really struggle if he got to do panel on Fallon. Sure, yeah.

If he had a good segment producer. Yeah, you mean, sure. This guy was not produced. I thought the raccoon was gonna be the dead thing. Me too. Or what killed something. Like, oh, this is flesh-eating raccoon. Oh, that's another sci-fi movie. Nobody write it. I'm gonna write it. Flesh-eating raccoon. Scary. Yeah. Oh, they got

those little hands. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Gross. Watch out for the little hands. Tiny little hands. They'll wash your skull in the creek before they eat it. Oh, no. The raccoons are after us, Liam Neeson. I'm another guy who talks like this, talking to you, Liam Neeson. Yeah, that's pretty fun.

I wonder if they let him keep it for his bone collection. It's a pretty cool kid. I would be, that sounds rad to me if my kid came home. I don't have kids. It's important. You hope they come home with bones. If you choose to have kids. Yeah, bones would be, I'd be more excited about that than other things they'd come home with.

I would hope that my kids would come home with a DVD box set of the hit show Bones. Oh, that's great. So we could all watch it as a family. I'd lean towards numbers. Sure. Well, you know. Either way. As long as you're watching procedurals with your family.

Which one had Natalie from Sports Night? I don't know. I pick whichever one had Natalie from Sports Night. Hard to say. She's on offer only now. She's on offer only. She's not auditioning anymore. Let's take one more call.

Hi, Jordan, Jessica. I'm calling in on this momentous occasion. I was outside watering my lawn, and I hear my neighbors yelling at something. And then about five seconds later, I see a small black cat run by with a whole hot dog in her mouth. It's probably one of the greatest things I've seen all year. Thanks, guys, for the show. Can I ask you guys a question? Yes.

It whom? It me. I'm that. I'm hot dog cat. I'm hot dog cat. Again, like the guy who, listen, we had a fucking guy call in about tater tot squirrel. Right. Tot squirrel. Tot squirrel.

Tot squirrel. And he posted the picture online. It was pretty good. Eventually, I thought it was good. It was me. I was that. So basically people are just like animals with people food in their mouth. Yes, exactly.

Dragging them places. And often the people food is a little too big for them. Yes. Yeah. That's funny. I think that is the main thing that people like. I just dissected that joke. Thank you. Yes. Which makes it funnier. Yes, yeah. That's funny. I think that is the main thing that people like. I just dissected that joke. Thank you, yes.

Which makes it funnier. Oh, literal Grant over there. So it's a, yeah. It seems like the fact that there is no picture of Hot Dog Cat is a real fucking shame. She couldn't take a photo that fast. No, that's true. She was watering her lawn. That's true.

She didn't have her phone. Yeah, but you should be. Plus you got to worry about aperture. Yeah, that's true. Filters too. Yeah. It Yeah, but you should be... Plus, you got to worry about aperture. Yeah, that's true. Filters, too. Yeah. It's just a decision you make afterwards, I guess, but... Insta stories?

Sure. What kind of little hat are you going to put on it? The what? The little hat. You know, it's just, you know, like a little... Do you want to put, like, a monocle? Oh, yeah, you can add. Or like a little hat.

Or do you want to put, like, a dog face on the cat? Ooh, that's so funny. That would be great. And cute. And ironic. That would be me. That's comedy. You're a cat with a dog face.

Yeah. And a hot dog in your mouth? Fun fact about- Because I'm kind of a diva. Yeah. But I love to play fetch. Fun fact about me, not on Instagram.

Oh, so you didn't know that reference. No, I assumed it's, I mean, tracks is something you can do on Instagram. But that's why you call it gramming.

I call it, yeah. Does no tracks is something you can do on Instagram. But that's why you call it gramming. I call it, yeah. Does no one call it that? No. But you're doing it ironically. That's what I call. I'm going to dissect that joke. Thank you. Yes.

Got it? Okay. Yeah. That's what I call my lavish graham cracker parties. Gramming. My lavish, sensual graham cracker parties. How about graham crackers? Do you think those are good?

It's just me, John Legend, John Legend's wife, what's her name, that everyone likes. Chrissy Teigen. Chrissy Teigen? Chrissy Teigen. Chrissy Teigen? Okay. And 10,000 boxes of those golden grams, baby. Ooh, yeah.

Golden grams are a cereal, though. Yeah. Are you eating the cereal golden gramshams or eating Honey Maid? Honey Maid. Honey Maid. That's your top. Thank you. Those are good.

That's a good graham. Yeah. That's a good graham. God. Edit me out of this week's show, Brian. Can you just remove me from this week's program? Replace it with a saxophone. Oh, yeah.

Be nice. Did you get Kenny G's digits? No, I didn't. I didn't even meet Kenny G when he was there. Oh, were you allowed to make eye contact with Kenny G? No, yeah. You can't look at the sacks. If you asked him for his digits, what would you, under what circumstance, what would you have made up to get his digits?

Anything? Could you think of something? Oh, gosh. Let's see. What could I have said to Kenny G to get his phone number? I guess I could have just pretended like it was for something for the show. Oh, okay. I guess I could have been like, oh, hey, Mr. G.

Mr. G, I would call him. I wouldn't call him Kenny because that's too familiar. So like Mr. G, hey, you know, because I think sometimes they send a town car for the guests. So you could be like, oh, hey, your driver. Oh, good. Your driver is en route. We don't want you to have to wait outside longer than, you know, we don't want you to have to wait outside for a long time, you know,

holding that heavy sax. So why don't you just give me your number? I'll relay it to them and they'll just text you when they're outside. And that's probably a little bit more convenient for you. So I'll just send that to them. As soon as you say to Kenny G, excuse me, Mr. G. Yeah. First thing he says is, call me Kenny.

Call me Kenny. Mr. G is my dad. Mr. G was my father. Rupert G from the Hello Deli. Right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Bria Grant, YA dystopian hero. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Bria Grant, YA dystopian hero. Star of the smash hit podcast, Reading Glasses, new and noteworthy in Information Tunes, a.k.a. Apple Podcasts. That's thrilling. Thrilling. That's a thrill. You starred on television and in film.

But have you ever before been a new and notable voice in other podcasts? Not at all. No. This is a new step in my career. It's right up there with having the giant breasts. Have you ever? Which is more exciting, your new hit podcast or your? Toss-up.

Have you ever read All Creatures Great and Small? I haven't. God, it's fucking great. Is it? Well, I was talking to Judge Sean Hodgman about how much I love All Creatures Great and Small, the television show. And people were like, you should read the books. They're great. And I'm like, yeah, I get it.

You read the books and I haven't. Go fuck yourself. And I was like, hey, you probably should read the books, though. And I fucking bought that shit. Oh, boy, is it great. I don't even know the TV show. I don't know it either. Oh, it's just this English. He's in the Yorkshire Dales.

He's a veterinarian. He goes on visits. It's a memoir. He goes on visits to farmers, and they have charming interactions. He's got a dog that he's the uncle of the dog. Oh, I love this already. he's got a dog that he's the uncle of the dog that belongs to an old rich woman and he loves it because whenever he takes care of her

the woman gives him a bottle of champagne but she has to write the thank you note to the dog oh god this book is a joy I'm going to add that it might literally be the most charming thing I've ever laid my eyes on in my entire life.

It is amazing. Man, that sounds incredible. Now, that said, no fire sex. No fire sex. No, that's true. But dogs are really in my wheelhouse for things I enjoy reading. I had a dog for a long time. She passed away, and now I live with this cat, as I said.

But I still volunteer with dogs every week, and I'm a real big fan of dogs. You're going to love this. How do you feel about calving season? That's when the cows have their babies. Oh, calving. And he has to reach into them. Oh, yeah, and pull out the cow. You can't pull out a bottle of champagne.

Oh. Did you read all the Jack London books as a kid? I didn't. I didn't. Maybe. Did you read Misty of Chincoteague? No. Are you guys naming dog books now Did you read Misty of Chincoteague? No. Are you guys naming dog books now?

No. Misty of Chincoteague is a horse book. And Jack London was like Call of the Wild. I know Jack London. Sure. I assume I read Call of the Wild at some point. Yeah. But I don't totally remember.

I read. I liked Call of the Wild so much I went and read some of Jack London's wolf books as well. Oh, yeah. That's great. Anyway. I wasn't into horses. I mean, I was like, I liked horses, like, because I was a fifth grade girl at one point,

but I've never, like, read a lot of horse books. There's one that's about a burrow in the Grand Canyon. Oh, like a burrow, like the mule kind of thing. I'm just saying, if you're ever 11 again, look into it. I don't know. Girls who are 11 and 12, they do like horses and i mean i was a

i was a heterosexual boy and i don't know for some reason i think i just read there was a period before i went to fancy middle school where my school experience substantially like half the day they just be like just go to the library. Yeah, I kind of feel like that's a time. Yeah, it's like, I don't know, just, Jesse, we're going to do stuff here for normal children. Just go to the library with the old librarian. Like you were separated. She'll give you a paint stick.

Yeah. Yeah, they just send me to the library. So then I read all the books in the library, you know, so that's how you end up reading every Misty of Chincoteague book, including the one about the burrow at the Grand Canyon. What was happening to you at the time? Were your parents getting divorced? Were they taking pity on you? My parents were definitely divorced. There's no doubt that everyone took great pity on me.

What was happening? There's no doubt about that. I don't know. I'm socially alienated. But that might have been because I was being sent to the library. To read horse books. Sure. To prepare for a life as an NPR host. You know? Worked out well for you.

A lonely book-reading life. Yeah, they could tell. You probably took one of those career aptitude tests at some point. Well, let's set him on the right track. Let's get him some rimless eyeglasses, please. Rimless glasses flying in. Yeah. But we're here.

We're plugging your podcast, Reading Glasses. Reading Glasses. Speaking of which, what's one great thing that's happened on Reading Glasses through your first three episodes? Well, my host, Mallory O'Mara, she laughs really loud. I've more than once seen this woman collapse in laughter for something where I'm like, I don't know if that was that funny, but she thought it was really funny. That's when you guys were marathoning according to Jim. Yeah, she was like, this is my favorite show. I don't think it's fine.

Kevin Can Wait or whatever that show is. Kevin Can Wait. Oh, yeah, that is the new go-to for mediocre sitcoms. But I told her a story where we were talking about going places and reading in private. And one of my friends, Chiyoke, he often would go to a bikini kapar called Jumbo's Clown Room and bring his book. And she laughed so hard that I was like, do I have to cut this out of the podcast? Because she was like, she could not control her laughter and basically did like a spit take. Which I was like, I left it in.

I thought it was real cute. You know what? Mm-hmm. At least she went to Jumbo's clown room and not to the halls of Congress where she'd meet some real fucking clowns. Yeah, all right, all right. Some genuine Jumbo clowns. Yeah. You've heard of Jumbo Shrimp?

That's a misnomer. But Jumbo Clowns isn't when it comes to Congress people. Yeah. It's Zoe Lofgren, Democrat, San Mateo. Mm-hmm. And it's full bar there in Congress, so nobody takes off their bottoms. It's like Jumbo's Cloud Room. All I want to see is Ted Cruz without bottoms on.

Can I? Does he wear a top in this scenario? He does, yeah. I like that. Yeah, he is. Nothing more unattractive. He's wearing a long baseball shirt. Do you know what that's called?

It's Donald Duckin. Donald Duckin. Yeah, man. Oh, you've gone over that on the show. We have not. No, no. This is something I do in my personal life. Okay.

You like to walk around with a shirt on, no pants. Yeah, it confuses the cat. Can I? I don't mean to make you guys uncomfortable with satire, but can I just send a quick message to Ted Cruz right now? Yeah. And you know what? I'm going to send it to Harry Reid, too. Okay.

Hey, guys. Bipartisan. Hey, guys. Why don't you join a circus, you fucking clowns? Okay, all right. All right. They're clowns. Maybe they'll take a...

Maybe they will. I hope so. I'm just kidding. I'm getting a Google alert on my phone. Ted Cruz and Harry Reid join circus? Jesse said so? Barnum and Bailey's newest. Barnum, yes.

Newest edition. They replaced the elephants. Have you heard this clown Bernie Sanders is getting into the podcast game? Oh, my gosh. We don't need that. Get out of here. I listened to an episode. What does it sound like? Can I guess?

Yeah. Just like a calliope? Sure. And some chittering from a monkey? Just a... An occasional burst of seltzer? Does he do it in a car with ten other guys? You've got it. Have you heard of Kenny G's sax? Yeah. Sounds like that.

Oh. I don't know. It's sax? Yeah. Sounds like that. Oh. I don't know. It's sensual. Yeah, sensual. Daniel Baruela on the boards this week for us. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, all the way in London, England, impressing everyone with his Yankee charm. Sure.

His natural bon homie. Yeah. His Yankee pot roast, too. Probably showing him episodes of Marantz. This guy might be based on me. I don't know. Maybe it is. Bria Grant. She's on the Reading Glasses podcast.

Probably something that you should subscribe to if you enjoy books and reading. Do it. Now, is this... This is just like fancy books that only pinheads read, right? Wow. Did you not hear my superhero sex story? I know. Yeah, that's a Philip Roth, right?

Look, Mallory especially reads more literary fiction. I pretty much stay in the world of dystopias, YAs, a lot of headstrong women. If it's a book about a headstrong woman in a dystopia, I'm in. Yeah. But we mostly talk about like, you know, reading problems, reading questions. Like, what do you do when you have to combine your books with your significant other's books? That's a tough, tough issue. Yeah.

You know? What do you travel? Travel and reading. Oh, my gosh. John Updake wrote one superhero sex book. Yeah. Rabbit Fire Fuck, I guess. No, he actually just did 12 issues of Booster Gold.

Got it. It was very erotic. It's great. You know how sometimes they'll get those literature people in to write those arcs and- Yeah, sure. It's like a fun stunt thing. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

I- Can I tell you this yes i will tell you that i really enjoyed we've talked about how i was so confused uh by black panther by tanahasi coats you found it inscrutable i did really enjoy herman melville's run on Firestorm. Oh, sure. The Nuclear Man, yeah. Firestorm, The Nuclear Man. Okay. That's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

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