Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 487: My Balls Are Calling with Andrea Silenzi

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Jesse's family is in San Francisco for the week, so Daddy's loose!  He's seeing movies and having dinner with Jordan!  Plus, he recorded this episode where podcast host Andrea Silenzi joins in for a discussion of how Jordan and Jesse talking about balls helped her decide to do a podcast, her Why Oh Why live show where two strangers french kissed each other on stage, and how doggy summer camp is totally a real thing.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh man, Jordan. Oh baby. Daddy is loose. Oh no, put daddy back in his cage.

Oh you can't put daddy back in his cage. Oh, you can't put Daddy back in his cage. Oh, no. Not once he's loose. Oh, boy. It's time to tie down Daddy and put the kids in the storm cellar. And pick a safe word. Yeah, because Daddy's loose. Okay. What happened to Daddy? Uh-huh.

Are you going to elaborate? Yeah, for sure, dude. Or is this just a general vibe you're bringing to the podcast? Well, no, this is a state of being that I'm in. Sure. My family, they're all in San Francisco. Nice. Specifically.

So they've left you, huh? Yeah. Congratulations. Daddy's loose. I got myself a Miata. Cool. It's got a nice Blaupunkt in there. Do you think you can grow a ponytail by the time they get back?

Yeah, absolutely. Working on it right now. The official haircut of the Miata. My family all went to, my oldest is going to a summer camp in the East Bay. So they're all up in the Bay Area all week. I am stretching out like a rubber

band, baby. So, where have you masturbated? Where in the house have you masturbated that you don't usually? Oh, just at the computer, but frequently. Okay. And enthusiastically. Yeah. Just in the regular place, but, you know, just with less vigilance.

Okay. Yeah. Sure. Just a more relaxed vibe. You've thrown caution to the wind. Yeah. Sure. Just a more relaxed vibe. You've thrown caution to the wind. Yeah, exactly. Caution and semen. You get out the masturbation hammock.

You got it. I am living the life. You and I went to dinner. Mm-hmm. We socialized. We sure did. When was the last time we... That would be the first time we've socialized in 18 months, I would say.

Yeah, we had a conversation that was not recorded for the internet. Yeah. And we'll recap it now. For half of the time, at least, we didn't talk about work. That's true. And we started talking about work. Yeah. We sort of went down a rabbit hole.

And then belching contest. Sure. Because as you said before, daddy's loose. For a while, we... Jordan, I went to the movies. Oh my gosh. I went to an adult movie. Ooh, Debbie DeStalis?

You got it. Ah, one of my favorite adult movies. Oh, the lines are around the block in Times Square. Mm-hmm. I was standing next to Gore Vidal. That's whack when pornos meant something. Damn it. I saw the movie Baby Driver. Mm-hmm.

You know. Sure. It's fun. I've heard it has a great soundtrack. Yeah. It's got a great soundtrack and a lot of fun stuff happens. Cool. I don't know. I feel like if I say anything bad about it, it makes me an elitist personal snob. I have not seen Baby Driver.

I'm looking forward to it. I have a weird plan to see it at 10 a.m. tomorrow. That's a good plan. Here's my advice to Americans looking to go see Baby Driver. Do go see it. Do not expect there to be meaning even at the end so yeah i i would imagine yeah that baby driver criticism uh-huh would not be accepted well amongst our audience yeah they're probably not available to hear baby driver criticism so i i will focus on the fact that it delivers a ton of fun.

Okay. But I just don't want people- And we both think that baby Groot is very cute. Yeah. I don't know where you stand on baby Groot. I think he's very cute. Groot's cute. Groot's cute.

You got it, buddy. There you go. See, we're back in everyone's good graces now. And that's not the only great shit that happened to me while I've been loose. Yeah. I saw a parade of colorful vagrants. Oh. I don't remember where I was driving, but I had an appointment.

I had an appointment. Oh, I don't know. I had a show business meeting in a high-rise private club. That's something daddy can't do when he's babysitting. You got it. So I'm driving there, and I'm stopped at a stoplight and I see three amazing things. First and foremost, I see the most handsome drifter I've ever seen in my life. Just this drifter was gorgeous.

And I want to be clear, he wasn't like Daniel Craig, like rough-hewn gorgeous. He looked like a fashion model. He was just holding a cardboard sign that said, your pants or bust. That's where he's going. He was beautiful. Straight into your pants. Okay, so that was the first thing I saw. Okay, beautiful director.

Beautiful. That was the first remarkable vagrant who crossed my path while I was sitting at one light. I want to be clear. In Hollywood. Second person. Guy. Medium build. Short to medium height.

Pretty fit. Wearing enormous overalls. And no shirt. Okay. And no shoes. Skateboarding. Okay. And no shoes. Skateboarding. Great. He looked like,

this is going to be a pretty specific reference here, but he looked like Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runners on the cover of the one Dexys Midnight Runners album that has Come On Eileen on it. Okay. I can't remember what that one is called. I'm envisioning a bad guy from Double Dragon, but go ahead. Well, that was, so he had like slick, intensely gelled, slicked back hair, which is I think

a popular hairstyle. It's more of a Double Dragon bad guy hairstyle than it is a, but I want to emphasize two things. Okay. Number one, the overalls were enormous. Gargantuan. Is this part of the... Do you think this is part...

We were talking about the resurgence in 90s streetwear recently, cross colors and the like. Janko, do you think this is part of that? I would not have been surprised if these overalls were for us or by us. So enormous overalls, one strap falling off. Yeah, like I would say there was an LL Cool J-ish element to it. Okay.

But he, like, if he had, had he not been of indeterminate ethnicity, he would have had a certain corn pone quality. Like, had he just, had he looked a little archier, he would have been more corn pone. More gee whiz, just got off the bus from Omaha. But he wasn't, he also wasn't, it wasn't a hip hop aesthetic. Sure. So he wasn't, it was somewhere in a weird in between space. It seems like I was right with Double Dragon Bad Guy. It was like he had been. Why are we trying to describe him further?

It was like he had been naked and he found the overalls in the alley. Oh, on a clothesline. The overalls fit him the way that a barrel with straps fit a victim of the Depression. Okay. What's the third amazing thing? Wait. So he's riding a skateboard with no shoes on. I can't emphasize that enough.

Yeah. And he stopped at the corner with his skateboard, looked, waited for the light to change, dropped the skateboard, kicked off, messed up, flipped the skateboard over on its side, stood in the street standing over the skateboard, looking down at it with an intense scolding glare. Again, in the middle of the street for 20 seconds. Great. Like, how dare you, skateboard? Here I am riding on you.

I'm not even wearing shoes or a shirt, just these enormous overalls, and you flip over on your side? You, my only friend, have betrayed me? You're the only thing I got in the divorce. Then I was still reeling from the 20-second stare down with the skateboard. Yeah. When just a beautiful, perfectly clean man who looked like, what was the Ralph Lauren model, Tyson Beckford? Mm-hmm. Looks kind of like Tyson Beckford, but like shiny, like a clean, like every element of his outfit perfectly clean.

Sure. And exclusively blue and white. So like white top, distinctly blue pants, white shoes, blue hat, each in the right exact shade. Everything matching. On a bicycle where everything matched. Like a cruiser style bicycle where all the colors matched all the colors of his outfit. Is it possible you just drove onto the set of a Wes Anderson movie? You think Wes Anderson was shooting,

somebody didn't put up the traffic cones, and you... Maybe a John Singleton movie. Okay. So he's riding by on a bicycle behind the skateboard guy, and I notice he's holding the bars of the handlebars. In one hand, he has an open, half-eaten banana that he's casually eating. Then in the other hand, he has an unopened banana.

Oh, hell yeah. Double fisting those bananas. A backup banana. That man's going to get some potassium. Anyway, what I'm saying is, watch out. Daddy's on the loose. I want to introduce our guest, but real quick, on the way over here, I was flipped off by someone with a Coexist sticker. Anyway, let's introduce our guest.

Let's introduce our guest. She's the host of the Smash Hit podcast, Why Oh Why. She is here in Los Angeles having performed a live performance of her Smash Hit podcast. Her name is Andrea Salenzi. Wow. I can't believe I'm on your show right now. You're totally on our show right now. Don't squander this opportunity.

I'm dying. Andrea, I went to your show last night, which was fucking huge barrels of fun from beginning to end. What was your favorite part? My favorite part? My favorite part was the live kissing. So, Andrea, if people do not know your podcast, they should. It is a podcast about modern dating, the intersection between technology and dating, love in these modern times.

Sure. CompuServe. And you had a very great... That's coming up next week. How'd you know? Can I use GeoCities to fuck? Yeah. Asking girls for their prodigy number at bars. Yeah.

Let's ask Jeeves to see that dong of his. You had a very great... Drop those gray striped trousers, baby. Day formal. Yeah. Yeah. You know Jeeves is packing, right? Oh, yeah.

So. You know what Jeeves is? Taylor has to ask him if he dresses to the left or to the right so he can make allowances. Sure, sure. You had a very, you had a lovely hook to the night, which was before you went in to the show, you had to get a name tag that said if you were single or if you were taken. Oh. So that made the whole thing. Very romantic.

It's a little horny. The whole affair. In a nice way. It's just a nice cloud that hung over things. Yeah. Kind of darting eyes, I would say. Well, apparently the college kids these days, they'll have like a traffic light party where you're either wearing red, yellow, or green accordingly. And there's no yellow at a YOY event. Like if it's complicated, then you're not an option for me is how I feel.

So I just wanted to see who was green in the audience. I like that. And then bone down with them? Yes, absolutely. I was deep in dick last night. It was crazy. Because I just, I love 23-year-old boys who like podcasts, and that's my type. Sure, sure.

This is so not true, by the way. You had something that I would, it was shocking, was you asked people to come up on stage, strangers, and kiss each other after listening to a tape of a kissing expert talking about how to kiss. Because I have a theory, which is that people make out in L.A. more than New York. I think in New York, if you've had a good date, you're like, your place or mine. In L.A., because of transportation, you're like, I'm not going all the way to your place. I'm not going all the way back to my place.

Let's just make out next to this valet stand while we wait for the Uber to arrive. Let's French in front of Mendocino Farms or a restaurant that Danny Trejo owns. I would like, and also the weather is nice, right? In New York, you're like, we're staying outside. It's uncomfortable. You know, I guess L.A. also smells like urine a lot of the time, but there's just more outdoor making out. Well, I think also, and we've learned this over the decades, New York's got that water. Yeah, sure.

We just can't get that water here in Los Angeles. Oh, and the bagels, yes. The bagels, the water, the pizza. Makes you feel like kissing. Something that I heard from a friend who had moved here from New York was that a lot of, and this may have changed with the advent of ride sharing, was that a lot of, and this may have changed with the advent of ride sharing, but the first making out that happens, happens in a cab. Like the kind of code for it's time to visit pound town.

Or, you know. Thank you for taking the time to say that. Pound town adjacent. Okay, a comp you, sir. It's like saying, let's share a cab. And then the first kind of making out what happened in that cab. But with the advent of ride sharing, that could be complicated because now we're asked in part by the terms of service to regard the person driving as a human. It's true.

Yeah. Yeah. So I don. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. Have you ever made out while an Uber driver watched? I have done. I have. I have done some polite first basing while an Uber driver was driving. I don't think I. Yeah yeah i have done some like some

but not what you saw on stage last class some classy frenching i've done some classy frenching in an uber yes because we learned that so this um this amateur kissing expert erica rose who's like a former bachelor person she said that the woman should touch his hair. He should put his hand on her chin, that she should feel his arm to see what the muscles are underneath. Like there are all these like complicated making out instructions. Definitely when you're Frenching somebody in a podcast audience. There's got to be some guns there. My muscles are underneath like when Shaggy from Scooby-Doo makes that muscle thing and then the muscles go down instead of up.

That's where you find my muscles underneath. But you're really good at compacting a giant sandwich. That's true. You have a tall sandwich. So tell us, can you describe the, have you done this on every stop of your tour? The live kissing? No, this was, it was an idea I came up with when I learned about the making out in LA. But every show's had some kind of twist or turn. So in Chicago, my mom started country line dancing with her boyfriend

as part of the show, which is incredibly romantic. Yeah, that's hot too. And then he did a dance called the stationary cha-cha, which is obviously a euphemism for my mom doing it in front of everyone. It's like grinding. It's like he's standing behind her with his arms around her and they're kind of swaying. Oh, boy. Everyone was very uncomfortable. Is your mom very romantic? Yeah.

And what was the hook of your New York show? New York? Gosh. I don't. I wasn't thinking as. Vehicles. God, there was. There had to have been something.

I was thinking less visually in New York, right? Because I'm trying to learn how to leave the studio and do something in front of people. Yeah. So, oh, my big reveal is we made the guest, Andy Beckerman. He's engaged to Naomi and Peregrine. And they came up as like a fiancé couple talking about their relationship. And we got him set up with a new suit from Bonobos. So, I made him change mid-show.

And we had a mic in the dressing room so we could be like, how's it going in there? And he's like trying to get my pants on. So I don't know. I've tried. I've got an Ask Jeeves problem in here. Yeah. I like the idea that maybe we could have him on a wireless mic the entire time he was changing. But, you know, hands and, you know, it's not that interesting maybe.

Now, the couple that kissed, they were both very good looking. Yes. And the kissing, I thought, was some very classy Frenching. Did you keep an eye on them afterwards? Because I know the audience was invited to a bar afterwards. Do you think that that chemistry continued? Did you tag their ears? I mean, what happened next was fascinating because they actually were, they seemed super into each other.

So they went over, exchanged phone numbers after the show. And she's like, well, you know what? I'm moving to New York in a month. But that's a solid month that they could whatever. That's 30 days of pound town. That's what that is. Sure. But he's traveling this month.

He's leaving in a couple days. He's not going to be back for a whole month. So once they realized that this was not an option, they both were kind of celebrity status at the show, kind of like being part of the wedding party. They became like audience famous. And then both were flirting hard with other people. He was at a table full of women at the end of the night, all of them just like giggling and laughing and loving him. So basically they became the cool kids. Oh, interesting.

So what started as a simple public Frenching maybe led to something else down the line, something more substantial. Yeah, for both of them. Yeah. But it was interesting to see them at separate tables at this beer garden flirting with other people, not looking at each other. Almost like they were trying to make the other jealous. Oh, interesting. Yeah, right. It is like when you do show up at the same house party as an ex.

There is that whole like, oh, are you here? Oh, I didn't even – oh, gosh. I'm sorry. Hi. You look great. It sounds like a sort of stage cuckoldry. Sure. Yeah.

No, and it's interesting. Mildred. Sure. Yeah. No. And it's interesting. I we we we are like Twitter friends, but we chatted for the first time last night. You said I think you said something kind of interesting about this show, perhaps leading to your show in a way. Do you remember this conversation? Yes. Yeah. I owe Jordan, Jessica a lot because I remember the exact moment that I realized I had to become a podcast host at some point in my life.

So I was sitting on the subway listening to you guys on my iPod shuffle. That's a great way to listen to this show. You know, because it's got a warmer sound than the iPhone. Yeah. I love the cover art. And you never really know which one you're going to get. But I feel like, you know, in the early days of podcasting, there were only so many shows that existed. And I was a huge.

At the time, you would press that fast forward button. Don and Drew, Don and Drew, Don and Drew, Don and Drew. Ah, Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah. Yeah. And this cool new format, you know, podcasting. I like knew it was the future of, you know, I had the stream that I'd work in public radio for my whole career that I'd be just like an NPR lifer. Like my dream job would be just an assistant producer on the Leonard Lopate show in New York.

Just like reading his books, writing his interview questions. Yeah. Just distributing newspapers to Kojo Namdi on WAMU in Washington, D.C. Yeah. And that would have been a solid life for me. I was really excited for it. But then I was like, you know, maybe I can have an edge in these public radio spaces by knowing about podcasting. So it's important for me to listen to these shows.

Forward thinking. Or just by having a knife. Right. And so I was listening to Jordan and Jesse go. And there was like a period of time where you guys were talking about your balls or someone else's balls. Probably our balls. Yeah, I would say that period of time has run from 2005 to 2017. Yeah.

And it was just like balls, balls, balls. Sure. This is the state of balls. Balls do this. Balls do that. And I was like, God, where are the women in podcasting like where's me and podcasting and uh i just i feel like i was just been waiting so long why is no one talking about the clitoral hood yes if there had been more clit talk i would have never had to start yy sure well i mean i think i think in a in a sense we knew that yeah and we i think we you know we never said this to each other explicitly but like let's talk about our balls to gross people out and push them to do better than us.

Well, I think this is a story that we've – I mean we've been podcasting a long time, Andrew. We've heard this story so many times where – we've heard it from the McElroy brothers, the hosts of My Brother, My Brother and Me. We've heard it from our friends at Stop Podcasting Yourself. We've heard it from all these shows across many genres, many worlds. They listen to Jordan, Jesse go. They hear what's wrong with it.

They think, I could do better than this. You know, like, this? Yes, I could top this. In such a beautiful array of ways, we have inspired people to do things that we don't do. To avoid our many consistent, deep, rich mistakes. We're like the Velvet Underground. Yeah. We also can't play our instruments.

I don't think I can do better than the pitter-patter between you two. I've heard your show. It's better than this one. I like your show. It's way better than this. No, but everyone listening right now, I'm not saying stop listening, go listen to Y.O.Y. I'm saying there's something magical that you guys are able to do that I was— You should listen to Y.O.Y. It's really good. When you that you guys are able to do that I was – You should listen to Y.O.Y.

It's really good. When you say the pitter-patter – You guys have a thing. The pitter-patter. You're just referring to our tiny feet. Sure. No. Something that I –

Daddy's free. Daddy's loose. Yeah. Run pitter-patter around the house, Daddy. Pitter-patter, Daddy. I'm going to watch Norm MacDonald on Netflix. Ooh. Something that I like so much about YOY, I feel like it came into my life at a really great time.

I feel like I, as a 35-year-old dater, am basically the only person I know who dates anymore. Like, everyone is either married or, or you know living with someone or engaged or something and you're tired of the fern bar scene what's the fern bar scene well you're tired of going out to singles bars oh okay tgi fridays you sure oh hula hands or bennegan's yeah i can't even get laid at margaritaville anymore i know uh and that like and you know and i only have a handful of friends who like have like dated now in the kind of age of apps and things and i think this is something that it used to be andrew you're a little younger than us it used to be they would just bring you your main course right away at bennegan's. But these days, they want you to have mozzarella sticks.

Sure. They want you to have nachos. All these things that come before the main meal. No, but Jordan, I'm in the same spot. And everyone tells me about, they're like, oh my gosh, the app that I used five years ago, use that one. Right. If nothing's been changing in this space.

But it's changing so rapidly that very few people understand the experience of what it's like to be there right now. Yeah. And I think that like something that non-daters do and I don't know if they know that they're doing this, but I don't I want to I want to describe an experience. It's like when you you know, when a non-dater is asking you about your dating life. And is that an offensive term? A non-dater? It seems like it's... No, but they're just waiting for you to titillate them. They're like, ooh, did you kiss the girl? What did she look like? Where did you take her? Sure. What was the special at TGI Friday?

Tell me about the apps. Did it come with dipping sauces? Oh, yes, a trio of dipping sauces. Ranch, blue cheese, and barbecue. Good choices, Jordan. Yeah, thank you um you can throw honey mustard in there yeah you can swap out the ranch for a honey mustard i don't care the blue cheese is important though um especially i like when it has little chunks got out those chunks

it's a bad show um so so something start another podcast. Yeah. Get out there, everyone. Start a podcast. Something that I think the non-dater does is this thing where you mentioned that you have used an app or you've met someone on an app. who, you know, is probably maybe even sex positive, will turn into this, like, fainting Victorian person and be like, oh, I could never, oh, you used to, oh, do you just, strangers? And do you meet, where do you meet them? And how, I could never, oh, I could never, they always go, I could never do what you do. And, like, they turn into this, like,

this, like, southern belle who has the vapors at the thought of. Oh, and you just swipe. It's so. Oh, it's so impersonal. It's this like making you feel like you're you just got out of an orgy. Like I just like I just confessed to frequently frequenting glory hole. Yes. Yes, it is.

I just got back from a glory hole. Also known as a first internet date with the dude from tinder sure yeah really well lovely public bathroom uh so yeah it was right in the park so we took a nice walk you can find exactly great water fountains yeah uh my stepmom came it was crazy all of our stepmoms were there. Other people's stepmoms. Dipping sauce. Dipping sauces. And I think that I was in a time where I was still like that was happening to me constantly.

And then someone told me about YOY. And I'm like, oh, here are nice, normal, smart people talking about dating in a real way. And they're all nice, normal, and smart. And they acknowledge that it can be weird sometimes. But also they're not making me feel like I'm a glory hole dick sucker. I want to be clear. I wouldn't do that to you, Jordan. I understand where love comes from.

My wife Teresa and I met on Google Wave. Sure. Yeah. And all of these people, you've used Facebook or MySpace to fuck. Don't pretend like you haven't. Anyway, sorry. Yeah. And all of these people, you've used Facebook or MySpace to fuck. Don't pretend like you haven't. Anyway, sorry. Yeah. If you're out there and you haven't used MySpace to fuck Drake.

Sure. I don't even know who you are. It's the number one way to fuck Drake or someone who's been in My Chemical Romance. Exactly. So, yes. Thank you for your show that I think is a nice thing that should exist. I just don't know how to remove that stigma. I don't – I want more people out there, but the spaces are so weird that I don't

– that it's like – I don't know. Yeah. I'm trying to get more people on there. I'm trying to make it feel less weird, but it is weird. Sorry. Clarify? I go back and forth. Yeah.

Like I want to normalize the spaces, but the spaces are really broken. Sure. I mean, there is a lot of weird shit that comes with online dating. I don't want to make it sound like it's, you know, sitting on a porch and drinking lemonade with somebody. But like in addition to the weirdness, it can be a nice way to meet somebody. And I feel like. I have been trying to disrupt the porch and lemonade. Oh.

Vertical. Yeah. You have an app to disrupt the porch and lemonade vertical. You have an app called PRCH Porch. It's a virtual porch that you sit on while a virtual dad peeks through the curtains. Here's the thing. I've got a competitor. They're also offering Arnold Palmer's. It's been very difficult for me. I'm sorry. And tipping within the app, too.

Exactly. Which is a big thing for people. I don sorry. And tipping within the app, too. Exactly. Which is a big thing for people. Yeah. I don't know how else to meet people. Yeah. It's, yeah, no single people exist in the world. I've looked. Nowhere you go has them.

Well, if you go to a bar, everyone's on their phone swiping on an app. Sure. And if someone started talking to me at a bar, I'd be like, oh, who are you? But then if, like, a half-cute guy sends me a message on Tinder, I'm like, oh, you. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Hi. How you doing? I've been considering watching The Leftovers, too. If someone just said that to you in person, you would go, well, this is weird. But it sounds like it's kind of good, but I'm not sure if it's good enough for the time commitment.

Sure. Sure. Yeah. I'm going to say yes. Love those leftovers. commitment. Sure, sure. I'm going to say yes. Love those leftovers. Anyway. If I'm at a bar, I'm probably swiping apps on my phone, okay? Because I don't use my napkin enough. You're wiping your hand on your phone.

And I swipe it on the phone. This is the end of your tour, right? This is the last of it? Yeah. And also my very first time in LA. It was pretty fun to do this series and and can and like meet people from your like know what your audience looks like that's a weird feeling have you been to the grove should i no no don't worry about it no um i walked around that lake there oh yeah sure the lake that lake Sure. The one by our office? That's right there. MacArthur Park Lake?

Yeah. Everyone was camping. It was crazy. Yeah. It's like a little Coachella. It's just like a little Coachella. Yeah. It's fun.

They have concerts. Sure. Haim will be up soon. If you hang around long enough, Haim will play. Haim? Anyway. Haim? I say Haim.

I think it's Haim. Let's call the whole thing off. I say I am. I think it's aim. Let's call the whole thing off. So before we started talking, you said you got an unusual invitation from someone at the hotel. So I met a pool boy. It was his job to bring me towels and sunscreen.

And he brought me a hat to wear. And he was just incredibly helpful. Wait, he brought you a hat? They have a hat that they loan out. I was kind of grossed out by it. I also don't know how to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sit back at the same time. What does the hat look like? Like a straw hat. Okay.

Was it corn pwned at all? Yeah. It's like you can't travel with a giant sun-blocking hat. So they bring you one. Do they give you a stalk of wheat to stick between your teeth? They brought me water. Every glass of water I've had since I arrived in L.A. has been flavored by some kind of fruit or mint. Oh, yeah.

We don't drink non-infused water here. I mean, it makes the bagels worse. Yeah. But. Yeah, the bagels aren't as good, but. I have an idea why the bagels aren't as good. Yeah. It's bigger and fluffier.

Because everything's been. Cucumber. Yeah, sure. Yeah, cucumber. Yeah, cucumber bagel. He brought me the fancy water and we were chit-chatting. Was he a pool boy or a pool man? He lives with his little brother in Koreatown.

That's nice. Family's important. It's his dream job, although he has friends back in Michigan. I don't know. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. He's just living his best life. Hat distribution is his dream job? He just hangs out next to the pool towel carrying is his

dream he's living the dream he's chilling poolside really happy about his life yeah but then he but he did this well is this an la thing he was like so let me ask like what brings you to town but it's okay if you don't want to tell me like people here are very secretive about who they are and what they do is that a thing here where you're, where, I don't know. That may be a five-star hotel thing. Yeah, I think you, I mean, you are at a very nice hotel. And yeah, I mean, I guess. When I'm in LA, I usually just stay at the best Western.

Sure. I mean, it's the best. Yeah. Well, certainly west of the Rockies. Right, of course. I mean, maybe there's something in the east that's better. East of the Rockies, it's Hellman's. Yeah, I mean, I guess if you are a

member of the hotel staff at a very nice hotel, they, you know, I think a thing is you don't want the people you're serving to think you're about to drop off a screenplay. And maybe that's what he was trying to head off at the pass.

I want to chit-chat with her, but I also don't want her to think that I'm about to pitch a web series about me and my brother living in Korea town and bringing people hats. It's called dream life. It's called dream life. Yeah. He was the third guy who kind of asked me to hang out while I'm in L.A., but didn't directly kind of approach me in a romantic way. So another guy at the show last night asked me if I wanted to go to the Big Sick with him and Kumail's doing a Q&A and that would be fun. That's a date.

Is that a date? Yes. He was just like, I'm going to be there. So if you come there too. Going to a romantic comedy with someone and Kumail Nanjiani's there. How could he not get sexual with Kumail there? God, those smoky brown eyes. Yeah, nothing gets you in the mood for romance

more than an audience Q&A. Oh, yeah. Drop the Q, I'll just take the A. Another guy said like, oh, if you... Could this be a Q&D type? Q&D. Oh, an A, an A? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Balls, balls, balls. Everyone do a better show. Do a better show. Please. Guys, do a better show. Do a better show we believe in you okay dude number two said if you go hiking i'll come with you if you need like a hiking buddy but neither guy said can i take you out sometime what i'd love to take you out while you're in la can we get a drink like

no one made it strictly romantic like if you want, if you want a buddy, if you don't want to be alone, and it's like, I actually, I'm staying here for the weekend because I'm enjoying being alone. Like being alone is awesome. That's how I feel. I sent my dog to doggy summer camp. Like this is my chance to like really. Doggy summer camp? Oh yeah. I sent my dogs to doggy re-education camp. You're worried they might be gay? Mike Pence's doggy summer camp? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They had heterodox political ideas. Oh, okay. Yeah. We all support our gay dogs, by the way. We all love and support our gay dogs. What is doggy summer camp? They pick up your dog in a bus in New York City and drive out to Pennsylvania to a farm where it just hangs out for a week.

Did your mom tell you that's what's happening? I think your dog might be dead. I'm sorry. I have other friends who have done it. And you see the photos online. They post to Facebook every day. And all the dogs are running and playing and licking each other and hanging out. Mabel, my dog, always alone in the corner making the saddest, most pathetic looking

face she's had. She hates camp. She can't even write me a letter. Yeah, my dog daycare, which I don't send my dogs to regularly, but sometimes there's like people are going to be in that. We're going to have a party at the house and it would freak them out or whatever. We bring them to the dog daycare. They've got a webcam and the webcam is great.

I love to look at these dogs. My dogs are never on the webcam. The webcam covers the entire area. They have to have my dog. Either it's one of those things like kind of like in a movie like Sneakers or something, like maybe a Morgan Freeman or a Corbin Bernson has connected a VCR to the camera and put in a video of dogs playing. Or like in Toys where Robin Williams creates that fake MTV. Yeah, exactly. Andrea showed us a picture of her dog.

Making a miserable face. Yeah, Mabel looks pretty bummed. Shit, man. All the other dogs, they actually, the dogs go canoeing. It's crazy. That's terrible. They go canoeing? That's the, what's a dog's worst nightmare?

Why would you do that to a dog? They're land creatures. Sure. The people do the, you know, the paddling. Right. The dogs come along in the canoe. I wouldn't expect them to, like, hold the dog by its front legs over the side of the canoe so it can paddle. Or demand that they figure out how to hold the paddle.

Or get strapped a little over their feet, I guess. She's not on the canoe. She's usually just in a corner in the yard just staring at the camera like, get me the fuck out of here. Although. I am so unhappy. You might have a meme on your hand. Sad Mabel? If you thought about putting it up and then everyone can say, that's me, I'm that, I'm Sad Mabel. I'm that.

That's me, I'm that. Right. Maybe I'll just never pick her up and just keep collecting the pathetic photos to keep my internet business going. Sure. Yeah. Pick her up and just keep collecting the pathetic photos to keep my internet business going. Sure, yeah. I mean, if podcasting hits a ceiling or something, you can just sell Sad Mabel mugs, shirts, mouse pads. Those are huge. Yeah. God.

Mouse pads have never been bigger. I love a nice, cushy mouse pad. Squish, squish, baby. Squish it. Squish that pad. Do a betterish it. Squish that pad. Do a better show then. Do a better show. Okay, we'll be back in just a second to give you guys a chance to get your podcast pitches together on Jordan Jessica. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Stop podcasting yourself.

We don't even know anymore. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download your podcasts. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, delivered to your home at a revolutionary price point. Exactly. Here's the deal. They will send you glasses to try on. They start at $95, which, frankly, you can barely buy a drinking glass for $95. Walk into any store and try and buy a drinking glass for $95. You can't do it. A plain crystal tumbler.

And, hey, here's something you're not going to get with a drinking glass. For every pair of Warby Parker glasses you buy, a pair is distributed to someone in need. That's the Jordan, Jesse, go Warby Parker challenge. Go into any store in America. Say to them, I've got $95. Can I buy a drinking glass? I want one drinking glass and one to someone in need. You order five pairs of glasses.

You try them on for five days. No obligation to buy. Ships free. Includes a prepaid shipping label. WarbyParker.com slash JJGo to order your free home try-ons today. Yeah, you don't have to take it on faith just by looking at an internet picture of your eyeglasses. You can try them on, put them on your face, see how they sit. Yeah, WarbyParker.com slash jjgo.

And check out their app in the iTunes store. Yeah, warbyparker.com slash jjgo. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Viceland. Yes, they've got a new program called Funny How. It is a special five-day television event, July 10th through the 14th, 1130 p.m. It's an intimate look at the life behind the Comedian's Mic. It's hosted by the comedy historian and bestselling author Cliff Nesteroff, author of the great book The Comedians.

Our friend Judge John Hodgman blurbed that book. Yeah, and he's going to do a look at comedy worlds that have been rarely seen, like Christian Comedy, Comedy School, and Orlando, Florida. Yeah, Orlando, Florida. We'll find out. What does it mean to be a comedian in Orlando, Florida? Great guests on this thing. David Cross, Pete Holmes, James Adomi, and David Tell, Cameron Esposito, Rhea Butcher.

Funny How, beginning July 10th on Viceland. Viceland, it's a TV channel. Viceland, it's a TV channel. It sure is. We've got something up on the Jumbotron, too. Yes. Let's a TV channel. Viceland. It's a TV channel. It sure is. We've got something up on the Jumbotron, too. Yes. Let's read this thing. It says, we're sticking our way back in time with a little help from Shredasaurus Rad.

You go to winnersdontdrinkdrugs.com. Okay, wait. I don't know what this is. You're completely lost in this Jumbotron announcement. I just started reading. Winnersdontdrinkdrugs.com is the listener who's up on the Jumbotron That's the website of the listener Sure

We're skitching We're skitching our way back in time I can do a cold read of this You're going to do a cold read? I tried, I couldn't do it We're skitching our way back in time with a little help from Shredasaurus Rad who wants to remind you that winners don't drink drugs.

Just in time for summer, artist Kyle Kubik has launched a new crowdfunding campaign for a limited run of tanks and teas. The Winners Don't Drink Drugs design is an amalgamation of 90s pop culture featuring a gnarly dinosaur. featuring a gnarly dinosaur. Available in 10 styles, these teas and tanks will only be around for a limited time and only for the backers of this project. Go to winnersdontdrinkdrugs.com before July 21st to claim your limited edition tank or tea. That was a good cold read.

It was good. Thank you. You did good. It was better than mine. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to start a podcast, there are a lot of great resources out there. Just get behind a microphone, start talking, and you're already two steps ahead of us.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, stars yeah everybody else is like you should just be on tv sort of like uh when podcasters do this live yeah ben the greatest generation is going back out on tour we're taking a new show out on tour about star trek first contact and whether or not you're a star trek fan i think you're gonna love this live show Star Trek fan. I think you're going to love this live show. You come to our live show, you get Star Trek jokes. You get fart jokes. The whole gamut. So come on out. It's bit.ly slash ggtour2017. That's bit.ly slash ggtour2017.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andrea Slensy, perfect fit. Good cold read of your own name. I don't know if I put perfect fit between the first name and the last name or after. I've never had a nickname in my whole life before. It's your choice.

Okay, we're going to get into some serious relationship advice here. I'm not qualified. We can't do this. No, we're going to get into some serious relationship advice here. I'm not qualified. We can't do this. None of us are. We asked in the MaxFun Facebook group. We asked on Twitter. We asked on the JordanJesseGo Facebook. We asked on Reddit.

We've amalgamated your biggest questions for relationship doctor Andrea Salenzi. She's got a doctorate in love from the University of Yale Harvard. You should not take my advice. I'm very, very single. Things have not worked out for me, but we'll try. I'll make shit up. This is worse than when we had that drug advice seminar with Dr. Feelgood. Here's a question from Megan.

My boyfriend loves me. He's great in every way, except he won't get his shit together financially. It's stressing me the fuck out. What do I do? Do we have any more information about that? No, of course we don't. Yeah. I would guess, knowing our audience and the platforms on which we ask this, I'm surprised every question isn't,

I've fallen in love with the captain of my bar trivia team. Everyone's has this problem. They've fallen in love. We captain of my bar trivia team. Everyone's has this problem. They've fallen in love. Don't shit where you eat, guys. Don't shit where you eat. It's that great captain hat he wears. That's nice. So, yeah, I mean, I think like I would also like more information.

I think how old they are is very important in this. I mean, I think not having your financial shit together at, you know, 19 is different than not having it together at 30. But yeah, maybe let's assume for the purpose of this discussion that they are an age that you should have your shit together at. Let's assume 30s and up. Is that when you're responsible? You're not responsible for getting your shit together financially until you're in your 30s?

I'm being generous. Well, you're late 20s. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm wondering when it is. Yeah. When it's like a glaring problem.

Right. Yeah. I mean, if this person is 19 or 20, fucking give them a break. They're figuring shit out. Yeah. That you're a mess when you're 19. But. Let's call them 30.

Let's call them 30. 30 years old. They work in the software industry, let's be honest. Sure. Or they could run Bar Trivia. Yeah, that's possible. Maybe they're trying to turn that into a job. Yeah, they could host karaoke nights.

Mm-hmm. That's also a possibility. Those are pretty much the three jobs of Jordan and Jessica Olisar. There's one guy who works at that comic book store in Brooklyn. Yeah, sure. He's great. That one guy who works at that comic book store in Brooklyn. Yeah, sure. He's great. That one guy. So I don't know.

I mean, I guess I know what this is like. I guess I have dated people who have had a hard time making rent and stuff. Because you're pretty serious about your finances, Jordan. You're a committed, responsible man slash borderline miser. Sure. Yeah, miser. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, I think I do.

It is something that I take pride in. I think when you, I was having this discussion with our buddy Dan Telfer the other day, that I think when you, if you don't know me and you kind of see me and clock me, if you see the, and you kind of know maybe, you know,

it's got a podcast, a comedy writer, you know, he's got a podcast, a comedy writer. You assume mess. You assume man-child. You assume nothing on the walls but giant Star Wars cabinet

that is overflowing with figurines that maybe he also sleeps on. I had someone come over once and they were surprised that I had also sleeps on. I had someone come over once, and they were surprised that I had a bed frame. I was very insulted at that. Like, oh, the bed's off the ground. I'm like, yeah, the bed's off the ground. All we want to do is get eaten by rats.

Sure. I don't care if the monsters can hide under there. So, yeah, I think I do definitely take pride in shit-together-ness or, like, you know, letting people know that I can pay for dinner and, you know, apps. Get an app. You do sleep in a barn. Sure, that's true. I do sleep in a barn.

That's why you had to get that bed up off the ground. Yeah, rats were biting my feet. You got it. So, yeah, but I also do know what it's like to be dating someone who you're worried about financially. Yeah. And I think you just kind of look and you're like, okay, are they – because I think we've all had times where we've been not doing well and needed some help. And I guess you just look at it and ask yourself, is this a pattern or are they just going through one of these times? Right.

But I think it also matters if you're planning a long-term future with this person, right? Because money is going to come up so often. Totally. You're going to be making so many important decisions together. So one of the most frequent questions I get most often is, who should pay for a drink on a first date? And isn't it kind of amazing that the first date drink is your first conversation about money? Oh, yeah. Where you're saying, are we splitting?

Am I paying? And I've learned to start insisting on treating because it's a test of can you handle me paying for things? Will you feel like your dick was sucked up in a vacuum if I do this? Some guys would have a problem, yeah. What about guys whose dick has already been sucked up? Not my time. Listen, I had a vacuum accident when I was very young. Well, they just thought it would feel good.

Sure. As a result, I've gotten very good at cunnilingus. But what's going on with the balls? That's what I need to know. Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. There you go. Okay, I have a question here. Oh, hold on.

One more quick thought about this. Yeah. Oh, sorry. You finish. So I think she's in a difficult decision. She should decide if she sees a future with this person. If she does, then they should start learning how to talk about money. I like that.

Here's a question from Alexandra. I'm 26. I'm a single mom. Men my age are too immature. I don't like dating older guys. Do I just need to wait a couple years for everyone around me to grow up? She has to learn to date older guys. What's the problem with older guys?

I don't date under 30. I hope to never date under 30 ever again. Yeah. I think that there is a – Only silver foxes from here on out. No, but I think that there's this phrase that people say about there's a saying, which is like the men are like avocados. Right. They're not right.

They're not right. They're not right. And then they're suddenly ripe. Sure. You got to make that guac. And then you got to make the guac. And so I feel like for the most part, guys kind of don't want to date seriously until they feel like an adult. And at 26, they don't usually feel like an adult. And then usually it happens around the time they turn

30 or when a family member dies or when they start making $80,000 a year. And they have this adult switch that goes off and they're like, oh my God, now I'm an adult. I like that you have this adult rubric. You know, it's so, I mean, there are exceptions, of course. But I can't date someone seriously until he starts to feel like an adult. And at 26, they just didn't. And they kind of date recklessly at that stage because they're just like, how much sex can we have before she's going to start telling me about her daughter, like this writer? How is it different for Alexandra if she gets serious about being willing to date guys in their 30s who are older than she? How is her dating routine going to be changed by that?

Should she be on Google Wave? I think she should put it all out there. I think she should be as honest as she can about herself and maybe then she can find that 26 year old who is mature enough to to handle you know dating a mother um and if she can't find him then date she should try to date older i mean really they i think guys get a little more attractive sometimes once they approach i mean we've all seen those pictures of steve carell online Yeah. He's out there. He really looks fantastic. The Gru voice is hilarious. Can I tell you something about

those Steve Carell pictures? Yeah. Daddy's loose. Yeah, Daddy's loose. Daddy's Gru. I usually like to date age appropriate. I don't like it when they've never heard of bad religion.

It makes me feel weird. Uh-huh. But I did... Your entire bio just says rancid? Do you know what that is? How do you filter for that? What is your age range

on a date? I mean, I think 30 is great. I think 30 is terrific. And yeah, just kind of like... Do you agree with me that 30 might be this like waterfall

where people really do change and feel like adults? I think so, yeah. I mean, again, not hard and fast, different for everybody. But, yeah, I think if you're going to pick a number, I think 30 is great. Can we add to your list of grown-up switches waterfalls, going over a waterfall in a barrel? Yeah, visiting Niagara. A family member dying, 80 grand a year, turning 30 or going over a waterfall in a barrel or a family member dying 80 grand a year, turning 30 or going over a waterfall in a barrel.

Yes. But when I, the first time I had started an app, I definitely had my age slider low and went on some dates with like younger people, like younger than I usually date. And I knew that I should maybe change. Chains, tweeds.

Yeah, mid-twenties. And I did go on should maybe change. Chains, tweeds. Yeah. Mid-20s. Yeah. And I did go on a date with someone who was in their mid-20s. And after we had sex, she checked her Fitbit. And then I was like, yeah, maybe slide that up there. Anyway. Yeah. You could take someone in their 30s.

Nice way to get your steps up. That's true. I wonder how many steps it counts as. I've had a guy show me on his heart rate tracker where after sex it went up and down again. Oh, boy. That's nice. That's weird. Everyone likes to see sex as a graph.

Always date the boss. Who doesn't love to see sex as a graph? Can we take the Fitbit off if we're going to do it? Just please. Sure. Or use the Fitbit off if we're going to do it? Just please. Sure. Or use the Fitbit. Sure. This one is from Luna at William Stroud 8 on Twitter.

How do you know when to break things off? If you're asking that question, it's time. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Right. If you're like, when, it's time. Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah. Right. If you're like, when am I going to end this? Just end it now.

Yeah. Don't think for longer. My strategy is you make it his idea. So you go, you know, I've noticed that this, this, this is going on. What do you think we should do about it? And he goes, we should break up. And you're like, oh, no. Okay. Yes. We should. You're right, oh, no. Okay, yes.

We should. You're right. Shit, man. That's diabolical. That's really good. And I do it at his, you bring snacks, go to his place, show up at the bank. Snacks? Yeah, bring snacks. What's an example of a snack?

Like chips, dip. Yes. But what you would, what would you bring? A five-layer dip would be an edamame, shelled edamame. And then if he's sad and crying, you've left the snacks and then you bolt. Sure. And he has the skinny popcorn and the – The goldfish crackers.

Hummus is good because it's got protein. And it's international too. Yeah. That is one of the best things about hummus. Yeah. It's international, baby. Wait. Can I ask – I do definitely want to know what your breakup snacks are.

Gosh. It was like a bag of popcorn and it was a six pack of beer. Like a really good beer. Like the nice one. I like the alcohol thing too. It's like, oh, you can drown your sorrows. Yeah, it's here. That's nice. And then you get one before the breakup conversation happens and then you bolt.

Get that nice breakup buzz. You want that. The next time I'm doing Hummus. Mama's Loose. Yeah. Mama's loose. Yeah. Mama's loose and she's international. Okay, here's one from Greg. I've started dating someone who's poly, but I'm not.

My partner has a couple of other partners and isn't looking to end these relationships while we figure out how serious we are. I'm trying to date other people in service of being game, but it leaves me feeling guilty. Are there ways to conquer the guilt or should I just not bother and try to let the asymmetry – try not to let the asymmetry get the best of me? You're not Polly. Don't date someone who's Polly. That's so easy to me. Yeah. I guess I'm real old now. Is Polly like a... Is that...

Are we now accepting that as like just overall personal romantic identity? It might just be someone with a polyp. Could be. Are you dating a hard-working country singer? What is that? They might develop a polyp.

I don't get that. Or a nodule. Oh, okay. Is that the only kind of singer that develops a polyp? I don't get that. Or a nodule. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is that the only kind of singer that develops a polyp? Well, it's just an example of one. Okay. They might sing in a lot of, you know, a lot of juke joints. I was thinking when you were making that joke, I'm like, what did George Jones die of? Did he get polyped to death?

Anyway, so yes, it was not in a specific reference. Okay, that's my fault. Yeah, geez, right? I mean... But are we saying that like being poly is like a thing that you are from birth? Like being bisexual

or something? Well, I did have an ex-boyfriend. He's a... I can't... No names, but he's a very, very famous podcaster.

And sometimes at night he would cry because he just... He wanted to be able to do me but also other chicks and it would be like you know like wait can i guess who it is is it zach braff from the television show alex inc does zach braff have a podcast zach braff has a sitcom about having a podcast oh okay yeah this is gonna be a plot line in season two. It better be. Yeah, just so sad.

And he was just like, you know, I was just born this way. This is what I feel. This is who I am. And I had to feel like. Did he just mean horny? No, because he's now married but has some freedom within his marriage. So this is the life he wanted to live and I'm happy he's living it. He would never be able to live it with me.

This is very creepy. Because I knew this about about myself i had the same thing with grammar girl had the same thing but i think you have to go through a time where you're like maybe i am paul and you see how it feels and that's what this writer is going through is he's thinking like is this me can i and if you're starting to learn that you can't then that's your now it's time to move on and you're gonna ask yourself the question is this me can i if the answer is it's me i'm sure you listen you're either poly or you're a sad corgi um yeah i think i think i'm with you andrea it seems like you give it the old college try and i think the the the benefit is that like i'm sure ending a relationship with a poly person is way easier than ending it with a non-poly person because this person is probably the most like understanding sex positive person that you've dated.

Can I ask you guys a question? Is it old fashioned of me to think that if you're a dude who's dating a lady and I'm saying that not because they said the gender of the person they're, but because I know the person who wrote in the question and know his sexual orientation. So if you're a dude who's dating a lady and the lady is poly, does that just mean that she is going to get laid all the time forever and you will never get laid? Like, is it like how you can't go into a swingers club if you're a single dude? a swingers club if you're a single dude. Like I imagine that if you're Polly and a straight woman you just have a sea of dick before you. But if you're

Polly and you're a straight dude you're like Life is just one long Q&A. Also every woman who's on OkCupid right now knows that half of your messages are Polly dudes who are like, hey, can we? And you're like, no, it says it on every line of my profile that I'm looking for long-term monogamy.

It's there under favorite movies. I'm putting it everywhere. Last book you read, not Polly. You still hear from them because it's that hard for them to find ladies who are game for that. But I don't think it's as hard for ladies sometimes in straight dating. Should we do one more? Yeah, let's do one more. One more.

We'll go out on one more. Yeah. Do you see one that tickles your fancy, Jesse? That's the last one, jerk face. Oh, okay. Well, I'll find one that I like. Bung hole. Thank God I

plugged that bunghole, by the way, before I went over the falls. Sure. Okay, here we go. Jordan, I want to ask yours last, but this one we don't have to answer. I just wanted to read it because I like the sound of it. Oh, sure. One of you is a neat freak. The other

is a dirty birdie. How do you deal? Boy, is that house cleaning or is that sex, I wonder? I don't know. I'm not Polly. Yeah, hard to say. I don't know about the culture. Okay, go ahead. Sorry.

Okay. Proposing soon. Do I still have to ask her father first? Seems gross and misogynist, but don't want to disrespect traditions slash her fam. Do I have to ask the father? I'd see this as a married man. There seems, I would say that this hangs on the semantics of the question. So he is saying, do I have to ask her father first?

Do I have to ask her father first? I think that in 2017, in the United States, no, no. No, there's no circumstance where you have to ask the father first. No matter how many heads of cattle are at risk. No matter how hardy the dowry. However, I don't – I'm not going to – I would not extend that to say that you can't or shouldn't, that it's inherently misogynist. It certainly comes from a patriarchal tradition. There's no doubt about that. But I think that there are plenty of people who participate in patriarchal traditions enthusiastically and enjoy them.

And your wife-to-be may be one of them. And what is marriage if it isn't a tradition, right? So you're electing to participate in this thing that has a long history and you get to make it your own. So I think it's your choice about what traditions you bring with you and what you don't. And there'll be so many decisions along the lines of what traditions you're going to follow as you go down that path. Yeah, I think it's worth thinking about what your – hopefully, knock on – I guess – geez, there's no wood in here. But sorry for jinxing your marriage. Your hopefully fiancé-to- be would like in this situation.

I think it's pretty irrelevant except as it relates to your fiance's feelings, how your in-laws to be feel about it. Right? Also, couldn't it be kind of a fun moment between you and her dad?

Yeah. Or his dad? Yeah. I'm going to pay on his question writer. Did you do it, Jesse? I think so. I dad? Yeah. I'm going to pay on his question writer. Did you do it, Jesse? I think so. I don't remember. One of the big themes in my relationship is me not remembering major moments that have passed between my wife and I.

Like huge monumental. Entire children, right? Yeah, exactly. Like I forgot Oscar, my middle child, for three months. And my wife reminded me. You're like, who's this? Is this the handyman? Exactly.

This is our second child. It is amazing how tiny handymen are these days. You know? Yeah. And, you know, I'm glad that given his lack of, I'm going to be frank, verbal skills, that he found a trade. Sure. That's why we have – He's not eloquent, but he can swing a hammer.

Exactly. He can frame up a door nice and tight. I think I may have. I am very, very lucky to have really wonderful in-laws. And I respect and value their role in my family immensely. Like they're just such a wonderful, vital part of my family. And I knew when I had been with my wife before we got married for 10 years, I don't know, something like that. We'd been together since high school.

And so I knew that they already considered me a member of the family and lovedality to talk to them before I talked to her. Simply just a way of acknowledging how much I valued them. And also, they came up a little short on the dowry. So I wanted to work out. I got a couple extra sheep out of it. There was that blight. I got a couple extra sheep out of it, and I'm not ashamed of that. That wool kept me warm all winter.

Hey, get your sheep, baby. You just got to get your sheep. You only got one shot. Shoot your shot, baby. Get those sheep. Get that mutton. Oh, yeah. Oh, get those little chops.

You know what we're talking about? You're a podcaster. No. You know what we're talking about? You're a podcaster. No. I actually like there's this moment that happens on every season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette where they meet the future in-laws. And that's the part that makes me tear up every time. The idea that you're meeting these humans who will hold your future children whose funerals you will attend.

How beautiful is that? You love imagining the funerals you will attend. How beautiful is that? You love imagining the funerals of bachelor contestant parents. I'm going to speak at my future husband's parents' funerals. Absolutely. This will be important. You know the day they'll die. Why not kick off that relationship or do those? You do stupid stuff to make people feel special all the time.

This is the first stupid thing he can do to make her dad feel special. A lot of people, when they meet their parents, their in-laws-to-be, they don't know. You can administer rat poison the tiniest bit at a time. Right, yeah. It accretes in the system. You don't have to do it all at once. You can just put a little bit into that instant coffee every morning. Yeah, you're playing a long game.

Yeah. Well, hey, guys, congratulations. I think we've solved everyone's relationship problems. And congratulations to everyone on having fulfilling love and sex lives. You're welcome. Thanks to computers. Sure. Okay?

Mm-hmm. Congratulations, all you Juno users out there. You don't pay a dime. You don't pay a dime. You don't pay a dime for your dial-up internet. Good job, everybody. What bod should I get if I want to find love? God, I'm just going to keep swiping on Tinder until I can find Jeeves. He's got to be on there, right?

Listen, we all want our Jeeves. Here's the thing. A lot of people are swiping through Tinder looking for Jeeves, and they think they're going to see that classic picture from the Ask Jeeves website. It's just a picture of his giant schlong on Tinder. He just cuts right to the chase. Hot Jeeves pics. Yeah.

He's looking for a hot Jeeves pic. Yeah. The fappening two. Somebody hacked Jeeves' phone. Oh, boy. Found some dick pics. It's not funny. pick. Yeah. The fappening too. Somebody hacked Jeeves phone. Oh boy. Found some dick pics. It's not funny. No.

Jeeves deserves his privacy and he can express his sexuality however he wants to. I agree. Tom from MySpace on the other hand. Tom from MySpace.

Let's see that wang. Bring it out. Yeah. Bring it out. Just took his stock options and likes to do travel photography. That's fun. Yeah, I guess.

Hey, we'll be back in a minute on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Andrea Slenze, perfect fit. Andrea, what a perfect fit you've been here on the Jordan Jesse Goh program. What a joy it's been to spend the last hour with you. Shucks, guys.

Thank you for inspiring me to make a podcast. Your corn pone jar. Sure, your gee whiz pie cooling on a windowsill. Nature. The sproing at the top of your hat. You've got a boxcar to jump on, right? Do you need to get out of here because you have to catch the short line railroad to Poughkeepsie? For the last time, I don't know where you can steal some strawberry wine.

But I do genuinely encourage people to check out YOY. It's a really, really great show. If you're dating, if you just want to know a little bit more about modern dating and you don't want to inadvertently insult your friends who use dating apps. It's a great show to listen to. Really funny, great guests. I look forward to it every week. There you go. Andrea Salenzi, a delight to have you on the

program. You're on Twitter as well, correct? I heard you're Twitter friends with Jordan Morris. Sure am. It's just my full name on Twitter. Gosh, I can't believe I was on your show. It's been the best. You sure were. Sorry it was such a disappointment, by the way. Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls.

So, you know, hold on. I'm dying. I'm still dying. We can bleep that out because people make shit from this show into a ringtone. Yeah. And that, what you just did. Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. Yeah, that's going to be somebody's ringtone.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry. So we can bleep that if you want to or if you're okay with that being out. You know, I just want to help your listeners get off. And if that's their thing, like. Okay. Yeah. This is the closest thing I have to an actual dating life right now. Yeah. And besides that, it's a great opportunity to interrupt an important business meeting. I'm sorry.

I have to take this. My balls are calling. Oh, God. I am so sorry. These balls are calling. Oh, God. I am so sorry. These balls are barking. It could also be your wake-up call. You know, like you could set it as your morning alarm. Oh, yeah.

Because you are probably thinking about them. Oh, you're saying that the ringtone could be our wake-up call. I thought you meant that this episode of Jordan, Jesse, and Co. Is everyone's wake-up call. Could be our, no, yours and my wake-up call. Yeah, just stop this podcast. Lie in bed for 90 minutes listening to this full episode every day. So, yeah, I mean, maybe there is a potent metaphor there.

Get up, grab life by the balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, and live your best life. You're starting to sound like a Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet. Who's that? Yeah, I mean, you could get out there, grab life by the balls, get that hat distribution job you've always dreamed about, move to the big city, give suntan lotion to podcasters. And then offer to go hiking with them in the morning. Should I go with him? Should I go? I don't know.

I think you should. I wouldn't go with a new person to a rustic locale. I mean, I think there are, you know, there's a variety of hikes you can do in the city. Some are, you know, out in public with a lot of people and, you know, cafes that have scones. Or you can also go up into the woods. Like the way he offered it was like as a safety precaution because I was talking about biking there and he was like, oh, I'll show you the way up the whatever boulevard and then we'll do the thing and then

in the woods. You know who I would go with? Kumail Nanjiani. Here he's doing a Q&A. He's good in everything. Drop Kumail a line and let him know. Is he married or something though? I don't know. I don't know. Hard to say. Literally no way to find out. I guess I have to watch The Big Sick to find out if they divorced at the end or not. I'm't know. I don't know. Hard to say. Literally no way to find out.

I guess I have to watch The Big Sick to find out if they divorced at the end or not. I'm not sure. Spoilers. Spoilers for. Hashtag at JJ Go. Hey, Jordan. Yes. We're headed to London, England.

We sure are. Gosh darn it. This September for the London Podcast Festival. Here's the deal. Somebody said, I can't go to Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm going to be in Swansea, Wales. Fuck you. Get your ass out of Swansea.

Our radius from London, we're traveling from Los Angeles to London. The radius in which you are obliged to come to our program. All of Europe. Extends through the European Union. I don't care about Brexit. Sure. It still applies. extends through the European Union. I don't care about Brexit. Sure. It still applies.

And I'm including the questionable regime in Turkey. If you're a Turk, come to the show. Sure. We hope to make the show a Turkish delight for everyone. Our show will be a real Turkish delight, we promise. Hey, while we're encouraging people to get the... Can we encourage people to come to this Angel City thing? Yeah. Can we talk about that?

Have we announced that yet? No. Let's announce it. You want to? Okay, yeah. Do you know what day it is? Nope. I don't remember.

I think it's the 12th. It's in August. August 12th, I think. Hold on. August 12th. Someone will correct us. We're doing a Los Angeles live show at the Angel City Brewery, which is in the Arts District of Los Angeles. We are artists.

That's why. Sure. We're going to make people think. Like Picasso, I have two faces at the same time. Sure. Well, I prefer to think of this more like jazz. Oh, wow. Or jazz.

Wow. It's a little dull and confusing. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of squawking. I don't think this might be a free event. Listen, I have no fucking information. We just know if you're in the Southern California area, put August 12th on your gosh darn calendar. Plan on being at Angel City Brewery.

Yeah. Have some delicious beers. Watch our show. It'll be really good. Just put it on the calendar now. Do it. This is It'll be really good. Just put it on the calendar now. Do it. This is going to be really fun. A big MaxFun fan

works at the Angel City Brewery, invited us to do this show. We're really stoked about it. We're going to have some sweet, special guests on the program. It's going to be extraordinary. It's going to be really good. Jordan, it's going to be really good.

Extraordinary. Yeah. If you've ever dreamed of coming to Hollywood, going and having a micro brew, and seeing some whites sit behind a table, well then, have we got the event for you. It'll be a real Hollywood delight. This is more downtown. Yeah. Arts district.

Arts district delights Arts district delight Go to the Apollos store Sure If you want to Go to that place That has skeeball after Yeah

An expensive Hot dog Restaurant Yeah Yeah If you want a $12 hot dog European hot dogs Like a hot dog

Made out of a rabbit Oh yeah Get one of those They got that There's a lot of good shit there Sure Come to our shows Art Come to our shows Artists Mm-hmm Dog made out of a rabbit. Oh, yeah. Get one of those. They got that. There's a lot of good shit there. Sure. Come to our shows.

Come to our shows. Artists. Mm-hmm. If you're an artist out there, you probably live in the arts district. Sure. It's the only place you can live. If I have my way. Sure.

We'll all be sectioned off into districts. Exactly. That's the way things are going with this clown in the White House. Oh, boy. Well, Jordan. Jordan. I shouldn't have done that. You want to talk about clowns? No, I don't.

You want to talk about clowns and clowning? I'm sorry I said it. Andrea, you want to talk about seltzer in the face? Let's not do this. We're about to end the show. Is that what you want to talk about? Little tiny dogs walking on their hind legs? They're wearing a tutu?

I'm sorry I said it. Like some kind of dancer? End of the show. Is that what you want to talk about, Jordan? Stop taping now. Is that the kind of stuff you want to talk about? No, I don't. Because we can talk about Congress.

We can talk about our elected leaders with their grease-painted faces and their bulbous red noses. All right. Stop this show. Clowns in Washington. Fucking clowns. I know. I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I mentioned it. I'm sorry I mentioned it. Jesus Christ, it makes me sick. All right. What if one of those clowns showed up for one of our shows? I don't know. It'd be fine.

Let's end the show. It's hot in here. Let's end the show. I'd shoot him right out of a goddamn cannon. Okay, fine. Fine, fine. If that wasn't playing right into their hands. I'm sorry I said anything.

If that wasn't what they wanted to do. I'm sorry I said anything. Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week. Our producer, all the way in beautiful London, England, a perfect example of a person responsible for coming to Jordan, Jessica at the London Podcast Festival. Brian doesn't come. That's going to be some shit, huh? He's going to bring Elizabeth Hurley, I heard.

I hope he does. That's what I heard. Sure. She's the star of the television show that he writes for. She'll probably come. Mm-hmm. Mm. Yeah.

Mm. I don't know. More likely like Graham Linehan or something will get to come. Oh, that'll be nice. That'll be fun. I'll invite Graham Linehan. Thank you. We'll do that.

Robert Popper. Sure. Let's see if Robert Popper wants to come. That would be great. I'll invite Graham Linehan. Thank you. We'll do that. Robert Popper. Sure. Let's see if Robert Popper wants to come. That would be great. We have the novelty of being foreigners, right? Oh, yeah. Our funny accents. Can we just invite a bunch of British people on and tell them to talk in American accents

the whole time? No, we're doing that. We're doing it as- We're doing the whole show as- British people playing American. It's going to be great. Are we? Yes, we are.

Are we? Yes. We've done every running joke. Let's Yes. We've done every running joke. Let's just... We've done every running joke on the show. Maximumfun.reddit.com is a great place to talk about the show or talk about it with us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGO. I'm at Jesse Thorne.

Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. We've also got a vibrant Facebook community. Search for Maximum Fun there and look for your local MaxFun group. A lot of fun MaxFun groups out there. Pittsburgh. Seattle. Washington, D.C. Oh, yeah.

Los Angeles. The Big Apple. San Francisco. The Windy City. The Other Apple. Yeah, that's it. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

Go. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. go.