Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 489: Whack House with Hal Rudnick

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their usual deep dive on shipping logistics and the history of Federal Express to relax and have a good time with actor and comedian Hal Rudnick. Jesse is agitated because he has ants in his car, Hal recalls the first grown up movie he saw in the theater and everyone agrees that their standards for glibness in superhero movies is pretty high.     Action Items: Call in and violate your non-disclosure agreements – 206-984-4FUN!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we dive deep into the logistics industry. Whether you're packing, shipping, or managing packers and shippers, Jordan Jesse Goh is your program for true insight into everything from information systems to transportation systems.

On today's program, we're going to do a deep dive into the history of the Federal Express, true geniuses, innovators in the worlds of packing and shipping. Now, I think we need to start at 1901. Jordan, can I interrupt you here for a second? Because I just had an idea. Sure. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I know you have the FedEx stuff planned. Yeah.

And I've got my famous fuck you to DHL. One of your famous rants. Yeah, one of my famous anti-DHL rants. But, Jesse, so I know you love... Never mind, go ahead.

But, our mutual friend Hal Rudnick is over here. Oh, yeah, there he is. He just stopped by. He just happened to be here. And I know that Hal is not really a logistics guy. Oh, yeah. There he is. He just stopped by. He just happened to be here. And I know that Hal is not really a logistics guy. Oh, yeah. Sure. And he would... Right. I think we want

him to be able to participate in the conversation. If I'm honest, he hasn't got the brains. Sure. So... Or the brawn. Both of which you need to pack and ship. Exactly. So what if instead of doing logistics this week. Okay.

And hear me out on. I have this whole thing. It's a history of the Federal Express. I really. Hear me out on this. People like deep dives these days. I know. Deep dives.

I know. I know that you're angling for another appearance on the Long Form podcast. But what if this week we just shot the breeze with Hal and it would give us a little chance for a breather and everybody out there who works in the industry a chance to laugh about kind of the lighter side of logistics? Okay. I mean, I guess I could always be adding to my Federal Express history.

I did want to, I don't really think, I kind of just scratched the surface of the rumors that John Federal, the founder of Federal Express, murdered his entire family. Oh, wow. I had not heard that. I had heard the rumors that he was not that fast. Yeah. That's what I mean. I think we go into that, definitely. People try and recreate

his land speed. We get a man about his build out on the alkali flask. Just have him run. We did a lot of research. Next week, but yeah, this week. Who's your favorite Myth buster by the way adam savage or beret guy i mean i think i'm gonna give you a curveball uh-huh foxy redheaded lady

okay yeah good good pick my favorite is explosion length of PVC pipe. So are you on board with this thing with Hal Rudnick? Yeah, why don't we, we'll introduce him, and then we'll just see where the conversation goes. Unlike us, Hal Rudnick, an entertainer, of course. He's probably best known as a host on Screen Junkies, but he's also going to be on America's Got Talent. It's a joy to have him here. Hal Rudnick, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go.

Thanks for having me, guys, and thank you for shifting gears out of topics that are not quite my bailiwick, and thanks for topics that would be shorthanded knowledge-wise, and thank you for pointing out my shortcomings in general and shifting gears and making me feel comfortable. No problem. I have a topic that I'd like to broach. Sure.

Please. I am a little agitated. I'm going to be frank with you guys. Yeah. Normally, I come in here on Jordan Jesse going, I'm cool as a cucumber. Oh, yeah. But right now— Yeah, you're not playing your signature jazz sax.

But right now – Yeah, you're not playing your signature jazz sax. But right now I am as agitated as, I guess, a top-loading laundry machine. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Clothing washer. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe one that's been too heavily overloaded.

Yeah. And it's got a little bit more of a rumble to it than you'd expect. Exactly. It doesn't have one of those nice mats. You got to put one of those mats underneath it. Leave about maybe six inches from the top of the lid. Exactly. I learned that the hard way.

Here's the issue. You guys both live in Los Angeles here in Southern California. Oh, yeah. I consider myself an Angeleno. Yeah. So you know a little something. You guys know a little something about ants. You know, I don't.

I'm aware of ants. Yeah. I've seen them in the movies. As Mark McKinney said in the famous sketch, Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring. Probably the most famous Saturday Night Live sketch ever. But I have the place I am in now is not very aunt-y. Are you still in the first

last time I visited you, you were in an apartment that was a first floor apartment. Are you still in a ground floor apartment? Yeah. Wow, that's impressive. I'm surprised that you're without ants. Yeah, it's a ant-free existence. I too will say you had me then you lost me. You say Los Angeles, the Dodgers, tacos, affordable sushi.

But then when you bring up ants, I'm like, oh, that's a thing Los Angeles might be known for? Not familiar. Now, for you, is that not part of your experience with Los Angeles? Thankfully, no. Maybe it's because I live on a desiccated mountainside. Sure, that's probably it. Maybe it's because I live on a desiccated mountainside. Sure, that's probably it.

I've mentioned that one of the downsides of my lovely home is that, for example, because of this desiccated mountainside, it takes roughly 30 hours for my car to acquire a one-inch film of sand on it. But one of the other things... But you do love write and wash me in the sand. Yeah. That's true. Oh, but then neighbors will draw some indecent pictures on the side of it. Sure. One of the other things that comes up is ants. And we've all...

So we bought this house, I don't know, five years ago, four years ago. And we've always had some ants, but we kind of control them by doing the things you're supposed to do. Keep our kitchen clean. Don't leave out any sugar bowls. Oh, sure. We were constantly spilling the juice that goes into the hummingbird feeder. So we stopped doing that. Classic ant faux pas.

Yeah. You have wooden ant eaters that are perched around just to make ants think that this is an unsafe area. We put in ant spikes. Like a miniature spike strip. Basically, I had been campaigning this sort of – leading this kind of solo campaign against the ants. My weapon in which was a series of small tubes of aquarium caulk, silicon aquarium caulk. So like our kitchen is up against our front yard and that's where most of the ants are.

And it was very poorly finished. So like none of the baseboards hit the floor. And so I would just – I spent years, every time ants would get in, I'd kill the ants and then seal up whatever hole they came in with one of these tubes of aquarium caulk. And I did this – I mean, I probably sealed up – I went through – let me put it this way. I went through like six of these tubes of aquarium caulk just sealing up various parts of my house. It helped a little bit. Now, why did you decide on aquarium caulk?

Because I don't exactly understand how a caulking gun works. Okay. I have one and I put the thing in there and I cut the tip, and I have used one before, but it was a long time ago. I didn't want to look it up. So I liked the aquarium. It's a self-contained. Is it something that you had lying around? No, I ordered it from Amazon.com.

Oh, okay. Gotcha. I went ahead and prime ordered that. Jesse, let's get off the topic of packing and shipping. Yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. So this years-long battle against ants, but then like a year and a half ago, just went apeshit. Like it didn't matter what we did.

Our house was full of ants. So I called an exterminator, which I had always thought was like the most ridiculous thing in the world to do, to call an exterminator for ants. Ants aren't poisonous did you feel like man i'm giving up i'm the man that i'm the man of the house i should be protecting my family my children are going to see this strong powerful exterminator come in i know wielding his pack and his tools cuckolding me yes my wife My wife is going to see this man laying down a much higher grade of cock. The cock this man has is incredible. This guy's got a 12-inch cock.

Wow. Yeah. And thick, too. Girthsome. The next thing you know, you're sleeping in the yard, and the kids are calling him Daddy. Exactly. And your wife's calling him Daddy. And your beard is teeming with ants.

But, like, it got to the point where there were ants in my bed. There was nothing for the ants in my bed. I want to be clear. There weren't pools of anything. You're not eating crackers and cookies in bed leaving a treasure trove of crumbs for these guys. That's the last thing I would do is leave a treasure trove for them. Gotcha. At best, it's a treasure trove for them. Gotcha.

At best, it's a treasure chest. When they open it, it's empty, leading to their disappointment. Oh, yeah. Or it's what – ideally – Fool's gold. It's one of those face-melting things like from Indiana Jones. Oh, no, but that would tell me that it was going to – That's more of an art. Yes, and also like with the face-melting aspect, it would be like when the ants got in there it would kill them is there something that's

do you are you putting toxins in your bed yeah okay good oh yeah i mean my farts for one thing a jesse thorne dutch oven special yeah world's largest source of natural gas oh yeah you wear that t-shirt sometimes. So there were ants in my bed, so I called the exterminator and he sprays poison around my house, you know, ant something, I don't know. You didn't get tented, you didn't have to stay

over at the Hyatt, the Hyatt Regency? I did not stay at the Hyatt. It was a great continental breakfast. You had the continental breakfast at the Hyatt Regency. You know what? Pay for the upgrade. It's worth it.

Guys, I'm sort of a courtyard guy. Okay. I mean, I know you love your loyalty points. Yep, those points add up. They do. Wild wood resorts. What the fuck is that thing called? Yeah, woodwind Resorts.

Woodwind Resorts. Starwood. Starwind? Starwood. Starwind. These all sound like... Starwood is Lemmy's band. These all sound like ships in the Chronicles of Narnia series.

Oh, have you guys seen the trailer for A Wrinkle in Time? No. Oprah's in it. Oprah Winfrey. Their original choice for that part was Phil Donahue. Okay, Ants. So there was Ants in my bed. I think Phil Donahue is playing Galactus in the new event.

Sally Jesse lives in a retirement community. Yeah. So three things. First thing, a second thing, and a third thing. Thank you. Ding. They spray the outside of my house, and I gave them like, it cost like $80 or something, $100, I don't know.

That's pretty good. I feel like I was anticipating more when you were saying you hired an exterminator. So they didn't tent. They didn't tent you up. As a renter, I don't take care of my own pest problems. Yeah. So I gave them my $100. Sure.

Happily. Yeah. Somewhat happily. Yeah. Slightly unhappily. I wished that they had just been like, oh, yeah, they're coming in through this hole. I'll just put some of my much bigger caulk in there. Lickety split.

I'll just put my anus up to the hole, blast in some farts. Take that, queen ant. But instead, I had to go in, and then they said, you know, we recommend maybe doing this once a month during the high season. I was like, wait, $100

a month? What? Oh, redo the family budget. Yeah, exactly. But they're like, but let us know if you have any trouble. Here's the thing. I didn't have an aunt in my house for six months. Six months without a single fucking aunt in my house. Glorious.

It was amazing. Like, I could spill the hummingbird water and just leave it there. It didn't give a shit. You could spill the hummingbird water and just leave it there. It didn't give a shit. You could watch both A Bug's Life and Ants without worrying that you would lure them. Yeah.

I just want to point out, going around just like willy-nilly knocking over the hummingbird water, that's like some real first world devil may care attitude. I know. I know. I have so much hummingbird water i could spill it for fun i'm wild anyway uh i went to the whole foods for almonds but i got some cashews too i don't give a care how mixing it up yeah raw thank you not roasted sure so um it was great and then a few ants showed up and we had them come out again. Had got another six months out of it. Recently, we were having this ant problem and it was so pervasive that we had to get them to come out. And then there were still ants after they came out, which was like, to me, it was sort of like, you know how they say never meet your heroes because they'll only disappoint you?

Yes. Like that pest control man, I was crushed. Because as far as I was concerned, his one-month treatment was actually a six to nine-month treatment. And when it didn't work that first time, I was completely disappointed. So we've had them out a couple more times. Is summertime ant time? They're looking for water. Okay. So that's what's going on.

There's a huge, huge, huge- You should take them to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Oh, yeah. There's more water than you can bargain for there. By the way, we had to take that strike vote because we're bargaining for more water. Sure. Collective bargaining. Yeah.

You're going against the big hurricane harbor but I was fine because they're very nice they come out for free the second time they were very polite they even sprayed inside a little bit for us in a few places for free they could have charged

us an additional fee did you ask them could you spray me down let me taste the chemicals. Let me taste the chemicals. I want to taste the chemicals. With your big old atomizer? I want to taste them. I got a little silkwood bath. Okay.

That's nice. And that was all great. So no ants in the bed. No problem. What about the pants? Well, I want to dance, but it's unrelated. So I am happy, except for one thing. Uh-oh.

Somewhere along the line in the last 10 days, ants have gotten into my car. Oh. There is literally nothing has upset me in my entire life as much as having ants in my car. I don't know where they live in my car. I don't know how they got in my car. I don't know what they want from my car. I have your solution. What's that?

You got to get on the horn with click and clack, the Tappet brothers. Bad news, buddy. What's that? They ended production. One of them's dead. So I guess it's two pieces of bad news. What was that, Jesse? What was that public radio show that they had for a moment?

Calling all pets. No, for a moment to replace Car Talk. Dr. Zorba passed her on your health. No, there was a short-lived car show that was going to replace Car Talk, and it was on for like a month, and then they pulled it. Do you remember? Wait, there was a new car show? Yes. I don't remember this at all.

Oh, it was called Just Talking About Volvos. Yeah. The NPR listener car show. You know what? I'll get back to you with this information. Okay. Just so you know, NPR listeners drive Subarus now. Subarus.

It's not 1986 anymore. I do drive a Volvo. Oh, okay. The ants in your car. Ants on my fucking face. No. I'm driving. You should call Puzzle Master Will Shorts.

Yes. Will Shorts will take care of it. He'll bore him to death. Fucking puzzles. I hate puzzles. I was listening to the Puzzle Master on the way over here. Yeah. And he was, and before they get to the puzzle, he has that little banter with Lulu Garcia

Navarro. Oh, yeah. Navarro. Yeah. banter with Lulu Garcia Navarro. Oh, yeah. Navarro. Yeah. The former Lordess Garcia Navarro. Yes. Now Lulu. And I think she was talking about him having gone to a puzzle convention.

Uh-huh. And she's like, boy, do they go crazy when they see you at that puzzle convention? Is it like you're at a Beatles concert? Like, Jesus Christ, you don't have Justin Bieber in there. You don't have a Beatles concert. The references are crackling on and popping in there. They were just a recording band for the last half of their career, too. A Beatles concert?

Anyway. I mean, Frozen in Time are the images of Ed Sullivan and fainting girls. Sure. Anyway. No, it's a little more like after a Motley Crue concert. There you go. Yeah. Will Shortz just has his roadie pick out a few

choice selections. Hands him those backstage passes. Want to come backstage to the puzzle zone? Somebody finishes solving the puzzle in his presentation, and the answer is, is the answer no head, no backstage pass? So, yeah. So I was literally driving over here, picked two ants off of my face. No.

Facial ants. What the fuck, ants? I want to be clear. My car is not dirty. No. Facial ants. What the fuck, ants? I'm going to be clear. My car is not dirty. My car is clean inside. They're not going for food. Are you a dirty boy? Of course, I'm a dirty birdie. If that's what you're wondering how.

Yeah, just checking in because, you know, it's the summertime. It has been hot. Do you eat a lot of popsicles in the car? Oh, that's probably it. I had been rubbing a popsicle on my face this morning, which I do for my complexion. Also, did you have an active picnic going in the car as you were driving? I did have a few cold cuts. Uh-oh.

And some sliced cheeses. And a blanket laid down. I did lay down a blanket. Yeah, that's like a beacon to those guys. Yeah, they love it. They're like, there's something we can ruin. I did lay down a blanket. Yeah, that's like a beacon to those guys. Yeah, they love it. They're like, there's something we can ruin. Oh, I had a basket. Ugh.

Is it okay? But it's fine to have a thermos, right? No, that's like a lighthouse and a harbor for those ants. It did not have coffee. It had lemonade in it. Is that... No, that's even worse. It's more of a summertime drink.

Really? Yeah. that's even worse. It's more of a summertime drink. Really? Yeah. Oh, my wife was there. She was wearing like a cute halter top dress with a lot of crinolines underneath. Oh, a lovely summertime picnic dress. You've painted the picture of a bucolic picnic. Oh.

I had like a weeping willow that I was driving around. I had taped it to the back of the car so it would weep over the top of the car. Well, not only has this become a hazard for other people on the road, it is the most beautiful picnic that I've ever been privy to hearing about. It sounds really nice. Yeah. Anyway, so that's why I'm agitated. So car ants. Car ants. Yeah.

I mean, is there a wiki how, how to remove ants from a car? Well, now I'm scared because I googled ants in my car and I came up with a thread on like carguys.net message board forum. I would say go make a pilgrimage. Find the one surviving car talk brother the way Kevin Costner found James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams. Yes, make that pilgrimage. Go the distance. Now that I think about it, my dad never had a picnic with me when I was a kid. And he's dead now. He was a ball player.

You know what? Wait, I'm confused about the metaphor. It's been a while since I've seen Field of Dreams. Ty Cobb. Ray Liotta. Shoeless Joe Jackson. Yes. Can I tell you with regard to Field of Dreams? So as I was mentioning to Hal before we started recording, I like to go to the thrift store by my house where VHS tapes are five for a dollar to buy VHS tapes for my cabin.

And my rule when I do this is I don't buy anything ironically or anything that's anything less than a great movie. I try and keep it to great movies. that's anything less than a great movie. I try and keep it to great movies. Occasionally I'll slip in a wild card, but I really try and focus on them because otherwise I would just buy, there's so many VHS tapes and they're five for a dollar,

you can just buy infinite. Oh, so they have a great selection. They have a wonderful selection. Gotcha, because great, that's quite a superlative, so if it only falls back, okay. Yeah, I want to keep it,

well, I would say probably very good. Gotcha. Okay. So like the lowest that I would go is like a Top Gun. Gotcha. You know what I mean? But generally speaking, we're looking at Beverly Hills Cop or above. Oh, yeah.

So – and I've looked at Beverly Hills Cop too and turned it down. What's the most recent VHS that you've seen there? Oh, yeah. There's like, I got Toy Story 2. Mm-hmm. Ooh. But that's, I very rarely see Toy Story 2. Yeah.

It's in that famous Disney clamshell box probably. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think I paid $2. With the edges that get a little sharp. Mm-hmm. I think I paid $2 for that one, which is what they charge at the Goodwill. I usually do not buy anything at the Goodwill because they charge $2. Oh, they gouge you.

But one of the videos that you see the absolute most is Field of Dreams. Sure. Classic VHS. I have to say, as you know, Jordan, you may not know Hal, but as a child I was a huge baseball fan. Completely obsessed with baseball. San Francisco Giants. You got it. Will Clark.

Let's not get started. Jordan's already living with that. Have you talked about Kevin Mitchell killing a cat on this show? I didn't know Kevin Mitchell killed a cat. When Kevin Mitchell was on the New York Mets, this is like urban legend that has since been validated by several sources. This is when he was on the New York Mets before he went to the San Francisco Giants. Before he went to the Giants and had MVP. When he was an improbable shortstop.

Whoa, he played shortstop? Yeah, he also played third base for the Mets. Short story long. No, so Kevin Mitchell was dating this woman they broke up and he killed her cat and I believe he decapitated it or smashed its skull

oh my god, holy shit yes, after a bad breakup, or maybe a normal breakup there is no call to ever commit that kind of behavior even if they say they're keeping your favorite t-shirt, you still don't kill their pets. You do not murder a pet. Was his whole thing like he just took a look at what Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden were up to and was like, I can beat that.

Yeah. You know what? Cocaine's not for me, but I can still one-up you. So I see Field of Dreams all the time. And it was like maybe one of my five favorite movies as a kid. Like, I love Field of Dreams so much. I have not seen it since I was 10, 12 maybe. Sure.

I am terrified to buy it because when I replay what I remember about it, I think, this sounds like a terrible movie. When I think back to it and I go through the different things that happened and I think, this sounds like the worst thing. One thing you kind of have to get on board with, I feel like baseball is drunk on its own mythos and lore not just in the movies but actual baseball it's so uh it's got a death grip on so many old-timey tropes and things and motifs which you know hey i'm not gonna lie i love a lot of that shit but um yeah i think you're you know what i wonder if it if it does hold up. But that's a huge part of it. It's in the genre of movie that you don't see a lot anymore. Yeah.

Is magical thing helps workaholic dad learn he shouldn't work so much. Yeah. Yeah. That was most movies when we were kids. I feel like that was the – Yeah, that's a good point. Did you see it as a kid, Jordan? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. What did you think of it then? Because you were not a big point. But yeah. Did you see it as a kid, Jordan? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. What did you think of it then? Because you were not a big sports fan. Yeah. No, I mean, we like, I mean, I played Little League and we like went to Angels games a lot. And I like liked, you know, I liked stuff about baseball. There was no Angels in the outfield. No, boy.

Boy, howdy. So, yeah, no, I mean, I liked it. I think it read to me when I saw it as a kid as I'm at a grown-up movie. Right. This is a grown-up, you know, and I think I liked that feeling so much. And, yeah, I probably saw it with my dad. I had the same feeling when I saw Debbie Does Dallas. Sure. Yeah, this is what grown-ups do.

Oh, all of them. They do Dallas. Yeah. Actually, I remember one of the first movies my dad ever took me to. It's like this might be my earliest movie theater recollection. This is a movie I would be surprised if either of you heard of it. It's called Atlantic City with Burt Lancaster

and Susan Sarandon. And there's a scene, and it was R-rated, and I just remember being like four or five years old looking up at the screen, and Susan Sarandon is washing her bare breasts in the sink. And I'm just like, my dad was like... Wait, she was her bare breasts in the sink. Just like my dad was like. Wait, she was washing her breasts in the sink? Yes.

And Burt Lancaster was like looking at her through a window across the way. And I just. Was Burt Lancaster like muttering to himself, why is he washing those titties in the sink? No, Burt Lancaster was in full fap mode. Got it. He was fapping. He was fapping. He was fapping away. You know, Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas made a lot of fap flicks together.

But I just remember being four or five and realizing this was like – My subscription just went up a dollar a month to fap flicks. Sure. Yeah, right? And you're not even getting the physical FAP discs anymore. And it's kind of limited. The FAP stream is a little limited. Well, yeah, I mean, they're relying so much on original FAP content.

They're always pushing. I feel like they're always pushing the Adam Sandler movies. Sure. Where's the classic FAP movies? Right? Oh, my God. What was the first? Oh, I saw Bull Durham.

Speaking of Susan Sarandon, my cabin the last time. Our guests wanted to see a romantic comedy, and they alighted upon Bull Durham. I was like, yeah, there's another one I haven't seen since I was 13. Yeah. It holds up all right. Susan Sarandon is just immensely charming and very beautiful. Robert Wall at the height of his powers. Robert Wall is pretty good in it, frankly.

Like, Robert Wall's really funny in it. Uh-huh. And Kevin Costner does a good job in it. Kevin Costner's very good in it. There are a few moments where even I, and I've returned to my baseball nerddom the last couple years as a retreat from the sorrows of the world. Yes. nerddom the last couple years as a retreat from the sorrows of the world.

Yes. There are just some parts where just somebody's like, baseball is blah, blah, blah, and you're just like, fuck you. Give me a fucking break. I guess that was a relatively

new thing to claim at the time, a movie maybe. Yeah, it is such a baby boomer thing, the magic of baseball. That's what it is. The magic of baseball and. I feel like no other sport is enamored with themselves in quite that way. That's very true.

It's like baseball and rock and roll. The Brooklyn Dodgers, The crack of the bat. Yeah. Throughout the 20th century, baseball was a constant. You know, it's just like this gravity. We used to watch through a hole in the fence. Sure. Yep. The not-hole gang.

We'd suck off Burt Campanaris. Yeah. But it wasn't gay. It wasn't gay. We watched and then it turned into a glory hole and the whole gang lined up. Jordan, what's the first movie that you remember seeing? The first movie? Oh, boy, in a theater.

Let's see. I'll cover for you here and say I'm pretty sure that the first movie I remember seeing is Rainbow Bright the movie. I was way into Rainbow Bright. Sure, sure. I did a little segment on it at midnight about movies that have a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Rainbow Bright, one of those. Wow. Yeah.

Well. I don't know if there were multiple Rainbow Bright movies, but there is one that has the coveted 0%. My other earliest movie recollection, sorry to cut you off. No, no, please. I don't have one. I remember probably around five years old or so, six years old, seeing Empire Strikes Back with my mom at the Paramus Tenplex in New Jersey. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Was that at the – I feel like I remember going with my mom to the Roxy Theater on 16th Street in San Francisco to see all three of the Star Wars movies when they were re-released. Oh, yeah, in the 90s? No, before that. I would have been like the, maybe it was the 10th anniversary of Star Wars in 1987. Gotcha. I saw all three in a row at the Roxy, which is like this weird, like,

it's sort of an arthouse movie theater, but it's one of those arthouse movie theaters that, like, really missed its calling, which was as a Jack off movie theater. Oh yeah. Like it's a really, it's a real dump in your classic studs or pussycat theater type. Yeah.

It's like a little dump in what was a shady neighborhood. Uh, yeah. It was also like a place you'd go to see the animation. Oh, it could have been a classic whack house. Exactly. Really? But now we got fat flicks and people aren't going out to white the animation. Oh, could have been a classic whack house. Yeah. Exactly. Really missed that.

But now we got fat flicks and people aren't going out to whack houses anymore. Gone are the community. It's the community experience. Yeah. I, Jordan,

did you, did your parents, did your parents take you to the movies regularly when you were little? Yeah. Between five and ten, like elementary school?

Yeah, let's see. Yeah, boy, I can definitely remember seeing Field of Dreams. I remember seeing Dances with Wolves. So we only went to see Kevin Costner movies, basically. The Postman. I definitely went to see Waterworld with my dad. Yeah, yeah. My dad and I 100% went to see Waterworld.

And I remember thinking, eh, not bad. Yeah. Dennis Hopper, The Smok Yeah. Dennis Hopper, the smokers. Sure. Oh, man. I think as kids, we probably appreciated the satire of that, that the bad guys smoked. Tell you what I appreciated. I felt like I was picking up on something.

A young genie triple horn. Oh, sure. I think you see her bottom in that. I think there's a little triple horn bottom. Ouchy-mouchy. Yeah. Classic ouchy-mouchy moment. And, of course, I love revisiting Waterworld every time I go to Universal Studios.

Triple horn? More like triple horny. The Waterworld stunt show at Universal Studios. Yes. Still very good. Oh, is that still around? Yeah, it's still around, and they still, like, do the beats of the movie. They're like, it's the Mariner.

He's here. Look out. It's the Smokers. Like, they still use the, like, the beats of the movie they're like it's the mariner he's here look out it's the smokers like they still use the like parlance of the movie it's like what they don't do the water world show anymore they do stop it they still do the water world show and in halloween they change it to slaughter world and it gets a little naughty what yeah how what movie as a child warped your mind the most? What was the, what movie should you not have been allowed to see that your, like, parents took you to? Oh, great question. Oh, man.

I feel like my mom took me to the Milagro Beanfield War. Sure. Also at the Roxy. Mm-hmm. Just any movie within walking distance, I guess, was the rule. I'll tell you what. My dad, I'm thankful for this now, but he was a huge nostalgia buff and film fan, and he made me watch old movies from the 30s, 40s, 50s, almost under duress. I wanted to go out and ride my bike.

Because those movies are so boring. Yes. Classic movies are typically very boring. I wanted to go out and ride bikes and play – Sure. Freeze tag. Freeze tag. Kick the can.

Whatever the hell they're – Sure. Oh, running bases was one we played. Anyway. But no, I had to sit there – Base running is a fun game. Yeah. I had to sit there on a summer day and watch Shane.

And you know what? I appreciate it now and I actually have quite an affinity for Shane. But back then I was like, God damn it, this is slow. I have a very hard time watching any movie before 1950. Yeah. 1955 maybe. It's rough. The pacing, man.

My dad didn't do a lot of sitting me down to watch things because he was absent. But something he did do is. Erratically so. Yeah, yeah. But he... I definitely remember a month or whatever where he's like, my son's going to watch the classic James Bond movies. Oh, fuck.

Those are the most boring movies. Oh, yes. Like, there's a long golf scene in Goldfinger. They just play golf. And apparently... I mean, I haven't revisited much older James Bond lately, but they play pretty problematic nowadays. Sure. Yeah. There's a lot of bottom slapping.

Yeah. Women who are just walking by. Yeah. I mean, James Bond, the greatest spy in the world and also completely objective for his women and treats them only as such. Not like the consummate gentleman, the Mariner. Yes. The Sean Connery Bond movie. I haven't seen them in a long time.

He does do parkour, right? There's a lot of parkour. Yeah. Skrillex soundtrack. Got it. A young Skrillex. Yeah. They're kind of fun.

By the way, I really have enjoyed Skrillex as he's matured. Some of his sort of contemplative singer-songwriter stuff, I really get a kick out of, even if he's not plugged in. Sure. Even acoustic, I think. Be like, who's the man behind the bass drops? His sort of wry perspective on the foibles of a family man. Skrillex apparently owns a family man. Skrillex apparently owns a black yacht.

Wouldn't that just be too hot to walk around on? You're going to attract yacht ants. Yes! I can now watch the old James Bond movies and yes, of course, critique them

for their outdated politics. And they are kind of fun to watch now. But as a kid, it's just like, oh, my. What are we? Van Damme movies exist. Yes. We can go rent Kickboxer now.

Right. And something will happen. I mean, Bond is no time cop. My. Yeah. That's the understatement of the year. Yeah. My daughter is obsessed with –

You couldn't hold a candle to Ron Silver. Oh, hey, Roger Moore, have a seat, old chap, and let Demolition Man take over. My daughter is obsessed with – Could you take your face off? Sorry, go ahead. Sorry, go ahead. Hey, George Lazenby, maybe laze over on that chaise lounge and allow Steven Seagal to roundhouse your fucking face. Sorry.

Yes, you were saying. My daughter is obsessed with Batgirl, a character about whom she knows almost nothing. It is amazing how kids, how just those superheroes have endured because they are just immediately appealing for a kid to look at. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And know everything about it. I would hold off on showing her the killing joke where Batgirl gets more or less sexually assaulted by Batman. So generally speaking,

sexually assaulted by Batman. So like generally speaking, Batman related shit is either inappropriate for a five-year-old. Almost all of it. Let me put it this way. Basically, all superhero stuff is inappropriate for a five-year-old

because it's all about solving your problems with violence. That's the only theme of all of those things. And I feel like maybe an eight or 10 year old has the perspective. A five year old doesn't. Like they watch one thing and then I realize like even when I show them, like I'll watch Looney Tunes with them.

Like if I watch Looney Tunes with them, which by the way are fantastic and hold up. Oh yeah. And, like, outside of the occasional sort of veiled racism, they hold up very well and work for kids, except that, like, as soon as I do it, the next hour, my three-year-old and my five-year-old just fight physically the entire hour. Hide the anvils. Sure.

But I was, like, I was... Are you on the phone with the Acme Corporation? I was at the thrift store and I thought I was pretty clever because I saw a copy of the 60s Batman movie. Oh, yeah. And I bought that because I was like, well, the violence in this is very silly and it's very funny to an adult. Shark repellent. Yeah, exactly. And it's like a fun campy thing to adults. And for kids, it's not too intense.

And I put it on and the shark repellent scene happens right at the beginning. And it's great. It's hilarious. Like the whole time I'm thinking like, fuck, Adam West is so amazing. The guy who plays Robin is much less so. But Adam West is so great and amazing. It is the boringest fucking movie in history. Like, I was so bored after, like, for 10 minutes, I'm like, fucking Adam West is hilarious.

This is great. Like, what a great idea I had. My kids are sort of on board. 15 minutes in, I'm like, put a nail through my head. I can't watch any more of this. And my kids are like, how was anything ever so boring? Wow. I remember the old Batman TV show, the 60s TV show, being quite enjoyable.

And I haven't watched it as an adult, but as a kid, I watched it. Me too. That was like a great, like, 3.30, 4 o'clock, you're home from school, what's on? Yup, and then you looked forward to the cliffhanger. The cliffhangers were great. 20 minutes probably is the amount that a child can tolerate. And I think I overestimated when I put on a movie. What about that Lego Batman they got now?

I watched Lego Batman with my daughter. And it was a similar thing where like for 15 minutes or 20 minutes, I thought, this is fucking great. Zach Galifianakis is great. There were several great acting performances that were really fun. I was like, these jokes are great. And then about 15 or 20 minutes in, my attitude towards it completely curdled. And I was like, I can't bear any more of this bullshit like a completely 180 degree turn i turned against it so hard and my daughter was not particularly interested in it

the whole time it was like it's just so like noisy yeah and there are so many uh like ironic tone things that aren't actually jokes like it's but but they're so like there's such a cacophony of them like they're just that like michael cera is spectacularly good and there are some things that i really enjoy there was a jim cotta reference that's really like the direct path to my heart yeah but as much as i understand why the people who do like it do like it, and I have no disrespect towards them, like 20 minutes in, I was like, I can't believe I have to sit here for another hour. You know what jokes I hate in movies?

It seems like in every, especially the Avengers movies, but in most Marvel movies, when they're getting the group of heroes back together, they have like these like glib digs at each other as the movie starts so it's like all right Iron Man why don't you go fly around your tin can all right musclehead don't get like they throw these little digs to get like oh we still got that uh that pop and rapport and like I hate that they feel so forced and you know I'll usually turn my brain off and go along for the ride but uh yeah yeah it does feel like like and this is probably how it is done it's like someone wrote the movie yep and then a group of group of people came in and added those yeah they're not on the script but yeah they had a real riff around sesh sure i feel like i have a much probably this is true for you as well i just have unrealistically high standards for my glibness.

Yes. That are much higher than the average person who's just going to see the Avengers Age of Ultron. Yes. They're like, this glibness is much better than the glibness in the Transformers movies. And I'm like, this glibness does not match up to the Larry Sanders show glibness. Exactly. I was just watching. On a civilian glibness scale.

Yeah, it's good to frame it in that context, Jesse. Thank you for bringing me back to Earth. Yeah, I feel like that is my – so anyway, that's – the ants on my face is the moral of this story while I'm driving. I'm glad I'm not dead. I get moths occasionally. In your car? No. In the house. In'm glad I'm not dead. I get moths occasionally. In your car? No.

In the house. In my apartment. Oh, yeah. And got rid of the kitchen moths. Well, they're attracted to the light that you shine on all of us. Oh. It's true. Your internal light. Thank you.

You know what? Your compassion. I guess I'm going to stop bitching and just accept it. Yeah. And that flashlight that's taped to your dick. Oh, yeah. I love that. That little mini-mag.

Gotta see where all my jizzes go. There's some. Yeah. Also, help us go pee-pee in the dark. Sure. So, it's good for a lot of things, Vern. Yeah. Oh, but then it'll dip down in a toilet and it'll touch your feces. This is our

new character we've developed jointly. Cum Ernest. Ernest with a flashlight taped to his dick. Obsessed with own cum Ernest. Okay, before we get any further into this, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Following the news is hard and it sucks. How do you know which stories are important? Which sources do you trust in this post-truth world of reactionary journalism?

I'm Brett Black. And I'm Travis McElroy. And we host a podcast called Trends Like These. We cover trending news stories. We debunk misleading clickbait headlines. And we always try to throw in a little bit of good news. In our quest for truth! So join us every week on

MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hal Rudnick, the kink master. Oh, yeah. That's weird.

Spanky, spanky. That's weird, but it's okay. Yeah. Thanks. I'll take it. Don't kink shame the kink master, Jesse. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hey, Jordan. Human sexuality is a beautiful rainbow.

Go ahead. We have live shows in Los Angeles and London. Yes. Tickets are now on sale. Two of the greatest L cities. Yeah, we're in Los Angeles in August at the Angel City Brewing Company for the Max Fun Beer Blast. It's not just us, Jordan. Yeah, it's us, but also music from Open Mike Eagle.

Yeah. Comedy from Danielle Radford and Riley Silverman. Two favorite Jordan Jesse Go guests. Absolutely. Doing some stand-up. Bradford and Riley Silverman. Two favorite Jordan, Jesse Go guests. Absolutely.

Doing some stand-up. And maybe a special guest from another Max Fun show who hasn't told us for certain if he or she is doing it yet. But here's a hint. He's about to move to Los Angeles from another city. That's true. And he's a he, I guess. I messed up your he or she thing. Oh, baby.

I mean, you mean craft beer and Max Fun? Oh, yeah. Do me in. I will, Hal. I will, Kinkmaster. Hal's kink is craft beer and dudes talking. Yeah, this is going to be a really fun show. I genuinely love the beer and hanging out at the Angel City Brewery, so this is going to be a double fun show, I think.

And we're in London at the London Podcast Festival at King's Place. You can go on the King's Place website to order your tickets for September. That's going to be amazing. We're flying 6,000 miles for that extravaganza. Wow. Let's be honest. There's only six of you who know who we are in the entire United Kingdom. So come and bring a friend.

You have to come. If you are listening to this, you have to come. Yeah. And special guests include Hugh Grant. Lady Doctor Who. The Lady Doctor Who. Theresa May. Theresa May, the Prime Minister.

John Major, the former Canadian Prime Minister. Wait, maybe he was the British Prime Minister. Yeah, John Major was the British prime minister, I think. A bartender who hasn't been tipped. Yeah, there you go. Is there going to be any hot Brexit talk? I don't know, kink master. Quiet down.

All right. Hey, we've got sponsors on this. Oh, and Jordan, before we get to the sponsors, we have a new T-shirt. Let's talk about that T-shirt. On sale now. Brian designed it for us. It's the It Me we have a new t-shirt. Let's talk about that t-shirt. On sale now. Brian designed it for us. It's the It Me, I'm That t-shirt. It just says, It Me, I'm That on it with an arrow pointing upwards.

Get the shirt now to let people know that it's you and you're that. It's a limited edition shirt. You only have two weeks to order this. You can find it at maxfundstore.com. Is it printed on that nice soft American apparel? I don't know, Kinkmaster. Yes, it's a high quality shirt, Kinkmaster. The arrow points upward towards you in case anyone doesn't know that you're...

It you. That it you. Or that. Or that you're that. If someone thinks it's someone else's you or someone else's that. Limited edition. Don't be like those dopes who missed out on the summer boy t-shirts and then they send us emails oh i'm drinking a beer on the beach whatever fuck you fuck you listeners stop supporting us and caring about what we do you fucking

asshole yeah keep up with the pace of life. Thank you. Finally. It's the 21st century. This isn't bringing up baby. Right? Oh, my God. If you want to watch a black and white movie, fucking turn off the lights and leave me alone. Yeah, turn off the lights first. I don't know what that means.

I've got to migrate and I'm light sensitive. Sponsors on this week's program. New sponsor this week, Jordan. Yeah. Rover. Rover, the nation's largest network of five-star pet sitters and dog walkers. You got pets. I got pets.

Now, this is a really great service. I was poking around this website the other day, and this fills a need that I have. Oh, really? It's for someone to come and care for your pet while you are away. And it's great. You see a nice list of fun and friendly seeming pet care people. Right. Very reasonable prices.

Yeah. So you can kind of browse these pet care specialists, pick your fave, and while you're out of town or while you're busy, they'll come over and care for your pet. It's a really cool service. Can I tell you something sad? Please do. Every time I'd go out of town and I had a pet, I didn't know what to do, so I would just have the pet destroyed. Wow, that was a bad idea.

That was a terrible idea. But then this amazing service, Rover, came around. And now, if and when I do ever get a pet again, I know I can have a stranger come. You can live beyond that first long weekend that you're out of town. Here's the nice thing about Rover. These are trusted, reviewed pet professionals. These aren't just some yahoos. And it's perfect for that period in your life that i would say runs from about 24 to 44

i mean it's great for everybody but sure it's perfect for that 24 to 44 period where your friends are old enough that they've got better shit to do than take care of your pet for you yeah but they're not oh they're not so old that they have teens you can pay you can pay ten dollars to come over to your house and do whatever they're supposed to do. Yeah, this is totally a great service and perfect for summer where you're probably doing long weekends. Yep. Just need somebody to come in and look at Fido or Patches. You get $25 off your first booking by visiting rover.com slash JJGO and using the code JJGO during the checkout.

and using the code JJGO during the checkout. That's rover.com slash JJGO and the promo code JJGO for $25 off your first Rover booking. We also have another sponsor. Real quick, I'd like to posit a potential catchphrase for Rover. Oh, great. We do like to do specific catchphrases for our sponsors that they did not ask us to do. Yeah, in fact, it's often they ask us not to. Yeah.

You know what? They can have this for free. Yeah. Hey, I'm going out of town. Hey, Rover, come on over. Yeah. Hey, Rover, come on over. Hey, Rover, come on over.

Rover.com slash JJ Go. Also, Jordan, I know you've been using this, the Dollar Shave Club. Yeah, this is a service that I have used even before they sponsored the show. To shave your face. To shave my face, Dollar Shave Club, you get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. These are razors, shaving cream,

wipes for your bottom. One wipe Charlie's. One wipe Charlie's. You know I love them. I've used them. I've used them. I like Dollar Shave Club. Feels great on your bum, right? Yep. Good razors. Good bum wipes. If you get your razors elsewhere, give Dollar Shave Club a try. They are better. These are some of the best razors I've ever used.

I love them. Dollar Shave Club, for a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of Dr. Carver's Shave Butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, raise it just a few bucks a month. I'd be using Challenge brand butter. Sure. It works okay. Yeah, yeah. But the Dr. Carver's is really the good stuff.

Yeah, it smells a little better. Maybe that's the reason you have facial ants. Yeah, because you're putting food on your face. That box you'll get for $5 is a $15 value. Awesome weighty handle, full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of that shave butter, which is very, very nice. Jordan, you're a handsome boy with a close shave. Dollarshaveclub.com slash JJGO exclusively. That's Dollarshaveclub.com slash JJGO.

Dollarshaveclub. Too many JJGO. Dollar Shave Club. Too many hairs? Get them out of there. Get that. Bye-bye. Bye-bye hairs. Yeah. We also have something up on the Jumbotron this week.

This message is for... This week's episode is rich with announcements. This message is for all the single ladies. This is from Mr. Sandman. Oh, boy. where's this going? Hey, this message is for all the single ladies from Mr. Sandman. And here is his message. Awkward man-child slash generous lover who doesn't understand how Tinder works

and consequently has not felt the soft touch of a woman's warmth in over six years seeks a committed monogamous relationship. If interested, meet him at the top of Mount Trashmore in Virginia from 6 to 7 p.m. on the 10th of any month and let him bring you a dream. The ball is in your court, ladies. Huh. Well, that's sinister. More like the setup for a Lifetime movie than anything else. Yeah.

Or, yeah, it's either a Lifetime movie that leads to a series of murders, or it's something sexy on late night HBO. Yeah. I kind of want to, but also don't want to check in with the Kingmaster on this one. You know, I'm going to. So this is a gentleman who posted this missive on your site broadcasting. He wants to meet someone. He wants to meet someone at Mount Trashmore. Jordan Jesse Go fans tend to be non-murderous.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have definitely not been murdered by any fans. And I have put myself in many positions where I could have been. Yeah. I have freely put myself in murderable positions with Jordan Jesse Go fans on the basis of the fact that they love Jordan Jesse Go just like I do. You know what? I encountered a delightful

Jordan Jesse Go fan and being lucky enough to be friends with you guys, I called up Jordan just because I was in the bar with this guy. We were a couple of drinks in and I'm like, I'll get him on the phone for you. And Jordan was gracious. The guy was gracious. I mean, what a community you two have fostered. It was a lot of fun. Did and I'm like, I'll get them on the phone for you. And Jordan was gracious. The guy was gracious.

I mean, what a community you two have fostered. It was a lot of fun. Did you end up getting laid? I got that D sucked. Yeah. That D sucked. Mr. Sandman, I'm going to just punch up your copy real quick. Yeah.

Not to note you to death. Yeah. Maybe. So tired of execs. Maybe lead with generous lover. Maybe you can get Awkward Manchild out of death. Yeah. Maybe. So tired of execs. Maybe lead with generous lover. Maybe you can get awkward man child out of there. Yeah. Lead with generous lover.

Yeah. Anyway, go see this guy at Mount Trashmore. I've been fucking with the Tinder and the Bumble lately. Sure. And I've noticed that all these women want, they have confidence in what they're looking for. No one says fraught with anxiety. I'm waiting for that one.

Confident men only or some women will put in there alphas only. Like, I mean, I'll have an alpha moment now and again, but I definitely will wallow in betaness. You swing between alpha and beta. Oh, I will have just – I'll have a beta week sometimes. You're more likely to go alpha on something like, say, the new Star Wars trailer. Oh, fuck yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, your home and bod with our merch. MaxFunStore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Hal Rudnick, a.k.a. the kink master. Really find it more upsetting than enjoyable. Hal, I think that sexuality is a beautiful rainbow. I'm not trying to kink shame him. And I think the kink master is expressing himself.

I would never kink shame the kink master. Thanks, man. Although they do say, if you're going to kink shame, you best step to the king. Yeah. You know what? I would just say wise up because it's different strokes for different strokes, essay. I love him. I pass more essays than motorcades in East LA.

Pharaoh Monch over here. I'm the kink master. Orale, vato. Guy in a hairnet pressed Ben Davis khakis from 1987. Lokes shades. Okay. We've been asking Jordan, Jesse, go listeners to violate their non-disclosure agreements on our air. Anonymously. We've had a great response to this. Although I have to say,

I posted a tweet about it the other day. Someone just tweeted back to me, I've been playing some advanced copies of board games. Eh. Eh. Yeah. So there are levels here. Sure.

Yeah. I think we got one right now. Let's hope this is a little more exciting than the board game thing. Yeah, let's take a listen. Hi, this is an anonymous listener from London in the UK. I'm calling to violate an NDA. Pause.

Can you pause it? He says anonymous listener, but we all know it's Hugh Grant, right? Yeah. It's obviously Hugh Grant. You hear the voice. You know it's Hugh Grant right away. I had a Notting Hill flashback. Yeah, okay.

Go back to the beginning. Let's play it. Just everybody knows now it's Hugh Grant, okay. Go back to the beginning. Let's play it. Just everybody knows now it's Hugh Grant, okay? We just know. Hi, this is an anonymous listener from London in the UK. Hugh Grant from Notting Hill in London.

I'm calling to violate an NDA. About eight years ago, somebody wanted me to build an app for him. So he made me sign an NDA before telling him his idea, which was to make an app which told you where nearby a liquor store was where.

He was an asshole. Anyway, I've got to keep it anonymous because that would be violating the terms of my NDA. And I've probably got a lot more of these because I make apps for a living. Bye now. Yeah, he's acting less these days. Sure. Just do more, you know, VC stuff. Yeah.

That is a really sad app. That is a very sad app. That is a very sad app. Oh, boy. Yeah, like someone who doesn't want to go through all the bullshit of Yelp to find a liquor store. Yeah, the app was going to be called Alcohol Anonymous. Yeah, right. It just leads you to a church basement or like a community center. Yeah, he'd be violating the NDA by telling us who created them because they're – I got – I got shamed.

You know what? I'm going to transition from that thought to something related. I got tsk-tsked for talking about Danny Bonaduce. I was just – I was talking about seeing him outside of an AA meeting once and I got really tsk-tsked for violating the anonymity thing. Supposed to be anonymous. Yeah. So that's sort of an NDA. Yeah, I've been tsk-tsked before for talking about going to AA meetings with my dad when I was a kid.

My dad's very public about it. And also, I feel like I earned that one. Those are some anecdotes. When you're an eight-year-old that's sat in a room full of homeless, alcoholic veterans, you sort of earn that anecdote. It was a delightful moment because I was just relating that Danny Bonaduce was literally wearing a leather vest, no shirt, and leather pants. And I was just relating that. Maybe he's going somewhere after.

Maybe he's going somewhere after. Yep. A roundup maybe. Yeah,'s going somewhere after. Yep. But so I was at – A roundup maybe. Yeah, yeah. I told the anecdote at – The thunder from down under. I was at a very nice friend's birthday dinner at like Morton's Steakhouse and this guy leans across the stable – the table, the stable, the table and says, we don't talk about those things, Hal. Oh, boy. And I was i was man he shut me down

you'd get thrown out of morton's yeah right i feel like he's on a short list of people who were such dicks that you know what i mean i mean like him and chachi you can say anything bad that you saw them do oh yeah thank you embarrassing maybe. Okay, we have some moment. I think it's good to go to A. Let me clarify. Yes, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Maybe he'll be less insufferable.

Yeah, that kind of self-care and introspection, all for it. Probably right now somewhere, Danny Bonaduce is making amends by writing Hal a note that apologizes for making Hal see him shirtless. I would hope so. That's all I ask. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN.

206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hi, Jesse, Jordan, and Gus. This is Claudia. I'm currently visiting Boston, Massachusetts on a vacation with my two nieces, a 14-year-old and a 10-year-old. We stuck together a sandwich for the little one because she was getting really cranky because she was hungry. We were walking through the MIT campus. She was halfway through her sandwich when she put out her little hand to hand me something. I put out my hand to receive it, and she dropped a tooth in it. Told me my tooth fell out and kept right on eating her sandwich. So I'm in the middle of an MIT quad holding a non-neuromolar. Not really sure what to do with it.

Probably a good sign that I made a good call not to have children. Have a good day. Dope. Dope call. Yeah, being caught with children's teeth is something that you don't want to have to like explain to someone.

I want to applaud that little girl. She handled that situation like a boss. She wasn't all scared. Like, she didn't say anything about, oh, we're going to make sure

the tooth fairy gets it so I can get my dollar. No. She's like, I'm eating. Don't got time for this. She was like, I got to get back into this hoagie.

Right? Yeah. I was a real crybaby every time a tooth fell out as a kid. I felt like I was dying. Like I was falling apart. Oh, no. It was terrifying. Yeah, like...

That slight taste of blood in your mouth? Like brundle fly. Sure, yes. We saw Kevin Costner movies and Jeff Goldblum movies as kids. Yes. Now we reference them. Sure. And I did not want to be born again of the new flesh.

Remember when Titus said that teeth are outside bones? Yeah, that's totally good. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. This is Colin from Nebraska calling to momentous occasions to say that

my girlfriend and I just finished walking 500 miles across northern Spain. We became street people in Pamplona, climbed one of the tallest mountains in Spain, slept in a monastery, and both of our ATM along the way. And no weird sex stuff, except in a couple churches.

Well, time to start walking home. We love the show. Punch a blunt. This guy really fucking prepped his shit. Jeez, I know. He's been writing that in his diary and revising it every night on this trip. Bullet points for sure.

Bullet points. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this couple at a party. Oh, I can't wait to get cornered by this couple at a party. I care about the people, the culture. I feel like it's really hard to appreciate that call without also having access to the PowerPoint deck. That's right. That's an impressive thing to walk all the way across. Absolutely.

I was just talking to a friend of mine who was telling me he walked all across the United States. From one side to the other? Yeah, and it took several months. I don't know. He and his wife did it together. Really? It kind of blew my mind. Look at these walking couples.

Yeah. I bet it brings you closer together. Yeah, you would think if you get through that. You get through anything. You just admire each other's muscular calves. How far can you walk in a day? 20 miles? I don't know.

Like on a consistent basis. He said they use those walking poles. Yeah. Yeah. And man, it sounded mighty impressive. And I was like, that's something I would never do, but I appreciate. I also walked across the United States. I didn't use the poles. I did use one of those single-wheel skateboard,

motorized skateboard machines. Sure. Where there's just one wheel in between your legs and you lean forward to go faster. I did it as well, and I didn't use a pole. I just used my big old dick. Oh, kick faster. You're back.

How far is it, Daniel? How far is it across the United States? Like how far is it from Los Angeles to New York? Los Angeles to Atlanta? Atlanta's not quite on the coast. I think it's about three grand. Maine? Los Angeles to, well, that's also diagonal across the United States.

You'd have to be a real force. San Francisco to Virginia Beach? Yeah. Is real force. San Francisco to Virginia Beach. Yeah. Is that something? San Francisco to Virginia Beach. Now it sounds like you're just talking a Beach Boys song. Word is it's 2,200 miles. So that would be like, it's got to be at least three or four months, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was months long journey. They had one cell phone with them. Yeah. This is a great story to hear third hand. Save on right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a months-long journey. They had one cell phone with them. Yeah. This is a great story to hear third-hand. Yeah.

Seems like you get hungry. Yeah. Yeah, but you stop for food and sleep. Oh, that's a good idea to stop for food. I guess I hadn't thought about that. He said he ate a lot of Pop-Tarts,

a lot of freeze-dried food. Yep. Freeze-dried food? What do you think they are astronauts yeah yeah come on save it for the astronauts save it for our boys in the sky what are we walking across america at fucking space camp yeah thank you thank you said it how you know what your friends can go fuck themselves i'll pass that along i would love let them know that they're amazing stunt i would love it if Buzz Aldrin punched your friends right in the face.

He's been to space, Hal. 206-984-4FUN. Let us know, Buzz, once you punch Hal's friends on that line. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, It teased the fact that you're going to be appearing on America's Got Talent. Yeah, next week, a big week for Hal Rudnick on television. Oh, yeah, I'm very excited. I'll be rubbing elbows with Jordan and the gang Monday night at midnight. Yeah, the whole Screen Junkies gang is coming in, or some of the Screen Junkies gang. Yeah, a good bunch of Screen Junkies are coming in.

Super looking forward to that. And then Tuesday, as Jesse said, thanks, man, that I'm going to be on America's Got Talent playing this character that I've been doing for several years at the UCB. His name is Eric Jennifer. He's the good boy of comedy. He's about 40 years old, lives with his mom in Gardena, California. He loves Subway sandwiches, Kaley Cuoco, John Cena, LeBron James. And he practices stand-up comedy at the laundromat and when he's riding the bus. And somehow he wound up on America's Got Talent.

And we're going to introduce America to the good boy of comedy Tuesday, July 18th on America's Got Talent. Can you give us any kind of preview of his acting? Maybe something that got cut from the show? Yeah, I can step out and grab him for you so he can come in. Okay, fantastic. Just tell the kink master

to move so Eric Jennifer can get in. Pardon me for one second. I just opened the door. Hi, it's Eric. Okay, yeah, come on in, Eric.

Okay. Hi, I'm Eric Jennifer, the good boy of comedy. So how you doing? Good job. What'd you have for breakfast today, the good boy of comedy. So how you doing? Good job. What did you have for breakfast today, Jesse? Grape nuts. I didn't have any nuts for breakfast.

And Jordan? I had like a Trader Joe's bar, like a granola bar type thing. That sounds healthy and nutritious and good for you too. So here's a fun fact about me. I slept in a crib until I was nine years old. Give it up. Let me ask you a question, Jesse. You ever have to clip your mom's toenails?

No. Oh, sometimes I do. And they're so big and thick and sharp. And you can't use the nail clipper. So you got to get a scissor out of the kitchen drawer. And you got to press down real hard with a scissor on your mom's toenail. Why is this on television? And then your mom's toenail flicks off and hits you in the eye, and then you've got to pull it out with a tweezer.

Good job. Good job. Give it up. Yeah, I'm the good boy of comedy. I'm the good boy with the good jokes. Eric Jennifer, hashtag good job. Hashtag EJ on AGT. Check me out Tuesday, July 18th.

I'm very excited to be on America's Got Talent. And guess what? Maybe I'll win it all. Oh, boy. Wow. I hope he wins it all. Hey, Jordan? Yes?

Can I have a ride to Gardena after the show? Not really going that way, but... Because then I'm going to drop you off at a bus stop. What are you going to do at Gardena? That's where I live. I live with my mom in Pineapple View apartments in Gardena. It's called Pineapple View but when you look

out the window you can't see any pineapples. All you can see is a liquor store. Good job. Well, watch me on America's Got Talent.

Steve Harvey will probably get a kick out of that. I bet. I think Simon is going to fall in love with me Alright, see you later guys I'm going to go out this door now Oh man, that was Eric

What fun He's scurrying away Yeah, wow Toenail stuff was really raw Yeah, sure He fucks with the toenails He gets raw He has one speed.

Yeah. Raw dog. Yeah. That's some real Tig Notaro at Largo shit right there. Yeah. Well,

Louis C.K. did insist that he put that toenail stuff out as an album. Right, right. You can't say no to him. But, yeah, I've been playing that character

at the Midnight Show at UCB for about five, six years and I've been developing a stand-up act for him. And yeah, I wound up getting to do this really, like it was so, it's so fucking surreal

standing there in a pillar of light being judged by Simon Cowell. And like, I'm like, wow, this, I am, like I was in my body and outside of my body at the same time. And so, yeah, it's really, it's going to be really dumb and hopefully fun. Wow.

I mean, like, was there a moment when your manager said, like, you know how you've been doing this character at the midnight show at the UCB for a few years? Let's bring that over to AGT. To primetime network television. It really is a character that should not be on the most mainstream show in America. I got on to America's Got Talent because I was doing a weird variety show in North Hollywood called Freak Show. And like I was driving to it. I'm like, oh, man, it's late. I don't want to I don't really want to do this.

And I showed up and it was a packed house and an awesome crowd. And then I got approached by a casting producer from America's Got Talent afterwards. And he's like, that thing was crazy. I want you to audition for America's Got Talent. So I jumped through a few hoops, and I wound up on the show. And I'll just – a little more self-promo. Sorry. Visit ericjennifer.com for all your

Eric Jennifer needs and follow at Eric Jennifer on Twitter and Instagram. I've tried to create a social media for this guy because I heard

from a couple people who were on the show. After they were on the show, there was a lot of interest and they weren't quite ready for it. So I tried to have a couple of things ready.

You're laying the groundwork. Yeah. See if I can turn it into a thing. That deluge. Yeah. Turn it into a thing. If not, it's been a couple of things ready. You're laying the groundwork. Yeah, see if I can turn it into a thing. That deluge. Yeah, turn it into a thing. If not, it's been a sweet ride.

Well, Hal, if you want to come back on AGT next season, the talent you should display is being a generous and hilarious podcast guest. Wow. One of the best in the business. You guys are sweet. Ladies and gentlemen, Screen Junkies and America's Got Talent. He's the new Steve Harvey in both venues. I'll take it. I'll take it.

I love Steve Harvey's deadpan reactions on Family Feud. I think they're so great. I think Steve Harvey is super funny. Yes. So there you go. I disagree with him on a few social issues. Sure. Yeah, and the whole eye contact thing.

You love making eye contact. Daniel Baruella on the boards this week. You also love a purple suit too, right? Oh, you know that. Brian Fernandez all the way in jolly old England prepping things, warming things up for Jordan Jesse Go There Live. Again, tickets to the L.A. show and the London show, both on sale now. You can find the links at MaximumFun.org. LA show coming.

It's right around the corner. Please. August. Please get the tickets. Come see it. Craft beer and comedy. Yeah. Craft beer and comedy.

The Max Fun Beer Blast. We're going to do it up. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. Make it an extravaganza. We're going big, and then we're going home after we go big This is our first LA show in years Yeah, it's been a long time

Yeah, like years and years I think since the Battleship Yeah, it might be since the Battleship What's the merch sitch going to be? We'll probably bring out a little something Yeah, it might be a little something there We'll be selling CDs after the show Yeah

Or you can get them on cdbaby.com Yeah, I would recommend getting them on cdbaby because then you get better packaging. Yeah. We put together a gate for cdbaby. We're saving that for next week where we get back to packaging and shipping. Yes, shipping. Okay. Thanks to everybody who listened.

You can go to maximumfund.reddit.com to talk about the show or join the Max Fund Facebook group. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris. Hal, you're just at Hal Rudnick, right? Yes, at Hal Rudnick. H-A-L-R-U-D-N-I-C-K. Thank you. Hal Rudnick, the one and only.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.