Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 493: Moby Dick Head with Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

Comedians and writers and actors and married couple Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher join Jordan and Jesse to get deep into baseball uniform preferences, Jesse's mystery friend who knows where the grilled dogs are at Dodger stadium, and some high level NDA breaking. Plus, Jesse gets some solid advice from a spoiler on a car.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, can I give you some advice? No. I don't need you to explain to me. It's not just for you, it's for our whole audience. Okay.

I'm an inspirational thought leader, Jordan. I need to give people advice. not just for you. It's for our whole audience. I'm an inspirational thought leader, Jordan. I need to give people advice. I'm here to change lives. But if I detect even a little bit of splainin', I'm going to drag you. I'm going to drag you on Twitter for splainin'. But go ahead. Splain

away. Is it how I should live my life? This is some advice that I learned. It is. And about how you should live my life? This is some advice that I learned. It is. And about how you should manage your career. Okay. Well, that's good. This is some advice that I learned from the spoiler of a Nissan 200X that was in front of me in a parking spot.

Yeah. That bore the license plate V8 who? This was printed on the spoiler. Yeah. Right there on the spoiler in gold letter, black spoiler, gold lettering. I can see the spoiler now. I want to be clear. When I say it's Nissan 200X, I don't know that's a type of car.

They had removed the badging from the car. But I think that's approximately a type of car. They had removed the badging from the car. But I think that's approximately the type of car it is. I think if you're one of these guys who wants to trick out your Japanese sedan, just add some letters and numbers. Right. 92X. 32X. P38X.

Yeah. P90X. There you go. That's what I was looking for. Yeah. A UB40. Mm-hmmX. Yeah. P-90X. There you go. That's what I was looking for. Yeah. A UB-40. Mm-hmm. U-17.

What was that submarine movie? Oh, I don't know. U-517? I was going to say Blink-182. Okay, great. Blink-182, some 41. Anyway, mostly this car was kind of primered out. Yeah.

And definitely missing some things that should have been on it. But it did have quite a spoiler, Jordan. Very inspirational spoiler. All black, gold letters. Stay humble. Too much ego will kill your talent. Wow. Hashtag spoiler wisdom.

Exactly. If you've got any hashtag spoiler wisdom, be sure to share it with us. Here on Twitter, we're on the hotline. Call 1-800-SMART-SPOILER. That's 1-800-SMART-SPOILER. I don't know. It just, is that like, is that something that he struggled with? I'm assuming it's a dude, but that seems like a safe assumption, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm okay with that.

Dude is a guy who wants to tell you about how humble he is, right? Right, via spoiler, via gold lettering. Classic humble medium. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I've been trying to hold that close to my heart for this week, and it's really made a big positive difference. My talent is blossoming.

But at the same time, I'm very humble about it. It's not something I talk about a lot. No, that's nice. You know what I mean? There's literally – now, does my Volvo station wagon have a spoiler? Yes, it does. Is there anything written on there? No, because I am hashtag humble.

But you were – you did have it priced at the auto body place to put King's shit on there, right? Right. But then you saw the other spoiler and you're like, oh, he's right. I had it priced how much would it cost to put King's shit on there after I found out how expensive it would be to put King's things on there. Hashtag King's things in tribute to my hero, Larry King, and his wit and wisdom about the world around him. Sort of casual observations. I think Larry King could have an aggro version of that segment. You know, kind of a Dennis Miller, you know, rant.

New rules. New rules, yeah, real news kind of thing, and he should call it King's rules. Yeah. Real news kind of thing. And he should call it King Shit. Yeah. You think it's possible that he lost the license to King's things when he went from CNN to Russian state television and that his new thing is going to be King Shit? Should we pitch that to him? I would love to. Should we pitch him another segment called King Features Syndicate?

Maybe he could do a little Snoopy stuff? That would be great. That's a shame if he did lose the trademark to King's Things. And then just any Yahoo can go around telling people how much they love Cirque de Soleil and call it a King's Thing. Yeah, exactly. King Crimson could be out there right now. Yeah, that would be a shame. Sharing their wit and wisdom on Twitter with the hashtag Kingsthings.

Okay, let's introduce our guests on this week's program. You know them and love them. Both beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guests, beloved podcasters, stand-up comics, actresses, television writers, 50% baseball players, Rhea Butcher and Cameron Esposito. Hello. Man, resume's so long, you can't fit it on a spoiler. We will be asking you the rest of the program to do that improv game where both of you speak at the same time. No, we can do it.

Oh, yeah, we can. We just have to look in each other's eyes. Wow. Rhea Butcher in here, by the way, befouling my studio. Not only, so Rhea Butcher has been known to step into this studio. Oh, just by the way, on the theme of improv, I will be just doing a lot of space work. Great. I think that's not going to come across in an audio way, but I think you people will

sense that I'm stirring a giant bowl. Put it in the toaster. Put down the little tab on the side of the toaster and let the toast toast. Show us how to do it. This isn't a phone. This is a phone. No, that's a phone. Yeah.

I like that we're doing invisible improv inside humor now with this isn't a phone, this is a phone. There's like three people who have both taken improv class and can infer what you were doing. And they're all listening to this show. I think they might actually be all in here also seeing it visually. Is there an audience for this other than the people in here? I thought this was just an intimate performance. Well, there's Daniel on the board out there. That's true.

Rhea Butcher has been known to come into the studio whether it's to come on my NPR program Bullseye on which she's been a guest or to come here and be on Jordan Jesse Go on which she's been a guest several times in a Los Angeles Dodgers hat. And obviously, as a San Francisco Giants fan, with a sign in this very office that says Hum Baby on it, one of the many slogans of the San Francisco Giants, I am always bothered. But I think, you know what? You know what I say? I'm going to let this pass because I like Rhea Butcher. She's a fun lady. She's very talented. Good heart. Charming.

Good heart. Good looking. Thank you. Great ball player. Thank you. I've never seen her play ball, but probably. A little lacking this season, but I've been known to play well. Thank you, Jessie. What are some areas you can improve in?

Temper. Number one. That would be an area i can improve on another area i can improve on is men treating me better on the field that would be another place that i could improve better that's your responsibility yeah you know as a woman it's my responsibility for people to treat me better yeah that's called feminism right am i confused that's where you take responsibility for respect the problems that men impose on the world. Hey, you don't have to tell us what that is.

I think I do. Let me explain it real quick. I saw a spoiler that I think will clear this up. Rhea Butcher is in my studio wearing a Dodgers hat and a Dodgers jersey.

But can I just point out that the jersey I am wearing is A Dodgers hat and a Dodgers jersey. Yes, it is a jersey. Or shirt jersey. But can I just point out that the jersey I am wearing is not, not that there's anything wrong with wearing a shirt of like a big time star that is like a, well, I am wearing a Chris Taylor jersey. Uh-huh. Super utility. Yeah. Created from Seattle.

Made a lot of adjustments on his swing. Sometimes makes adjustments in game Isn't he like top 10 in the league in war right now? Right now, yeah But I was on board The beginning of the season From me Which I really have to say

That was your thing first When he came to the team I was like This is our boy Who's gonna change the whole team And I was 100% right Even though I don't know anything about baseball And then suddenly he was cooking

The whole team was cooking. Ria's got this shirts coming in the mail. By the way. Trying to claim my shit. So what about, okay, so what, when you. I need to clarify for the audience something that people couldn't see. Yeah. That when Cameron describes something that is cooking, she does the Roomba.

Okay, go ahead, Jordan. Sure. Yeah. You confessed to not knowing a lot about baseball. I've learned so much. She knows a lot. Yeah. I mean, I just imagine you pick it up through osmosis, being married to a baseball fan.

Well, and she also genuinely loves the game. And I ask a lot of questions. Yes, she does. And she tells me the answer. But I'm interested in, I think, unusual things. Sure. me the answer but i'm interested in i think unusual things sure like for instance when we went to one game that was the los angeles dodgers pride night i said to ria i think that kike hernandez is wearing tighter pants than anybody has ever worn to play baseball and then it did

come out true that he was wearing what he called yoga pants that were provided to him from Lululemon that he wore specifically on Pride Night. He has a very nice little butt, and I was excited to see it. So these are the kinds of things that I'm noticing in baseball. Can I be frank with you something about Quique Hernandez? Is it about his butt? I hate all Dodgers. I call it a tush. I hate all Dodgers as a matter of course.

I've only made one exception as an adult. It's for Sergio Romo, who's no longer on the Dodgers. Yeah. Can I ask you one quick follow-up, though, not to interrupt because I want to hear what you have to say? What are your feelings on Jackie Robinson and Sandy Koufax? So there are a few Dodgers who get a pass from me who are from before. Historical. Historical Dodgers who get a pass from me who are from before. Historical. Historical Dodgers.

I would say your main historical Dodgers that get a pass would be Jackie Robinson and Fernando Valenzuela. Right. Pretty hard to be. And Hideo Nomo is one from my childhood who almost gets a pass. Wow. Sandy doesn't get a pass. Sandy Koufax doesn't get a pass. Because I am tired of these guys who are like.

Just pitch perfectly. From Brooklyn. I'm tired of these guys who are like- Just pitch perfectly? From Brooklyn. I've been a fan of the Dodgers since Brooklyn, and I love Sandy Koufax. Those guys are exhausting. Oh, geez. But Sandy Koufax-

Anyway. Sandy Koufax is fine. I'm just glad you didn't just take a stand against Jackie Robinson. I feel like that would be- That's a tough direction to go. I'm more of a Lonnie Irvin fan. You know what? It's a hot take. It's a tough direction to go. I'm more of a Lonnie Irvin fan. You know what? It's a hot take.

It's a hot take. I haven't heard it before. Yeah. I'm against Jackie Robinson. You know why? It's not because of his baseball. It's because he was an executive at Chock Full O' Nuts. I hate Chock Full O' Nuts.

Yeah, you're a Folgers guy. Yeah. So, Cameron, you said that you... Wait, but there was going to be a point about Kike. It's hard to hate anyone named Kike. Right? It is a really cute name and he is cute with his little cute pants and his little cute butt. It is a really cute name and I'm also going to say something that like understand the spirit in which I'm saying this.

He has an almost un-Google-able name because Google doesn't auto-populate his name because of what his first name would be if it didn't have an accent in it. Got it. So if you type it in, which I do because I'm looking up his butt. Yeah. By the way, he heard it as plus butt. Whenever Cameron Googles something, apparently, she does the up and away junior airmen. Google goggles. Google goggles.

I like how much space work is going on in this podcast. There's a lot of hand motions. I'm doing some ironing right now. So the subject of Ria's jersey, you said, despite not knowing a lot about baseball, you had a feeling. You had a feeling about the man and that he would turn the team around. Where did that come from? He, you know, all right, I'll tell you exactly what it is.

I'm from Chicago. Last year was the first season of baseball that I watched that I understood. Right. I'm being vulnerable. Because of your romance with a baseball enthusiast had built to the point where you then eventually gained understanding of the rules of the game. Yes. Like I grew up a football fan. I didn't grow up knowing a lot about baseball, but my family –

You're a jockey cheerleader, right? Not cheerleader. I was the mascot. I was a four-sport athlete. I mean I was like into a lot of other sports, but I never knew shit about baseball. What was the mascot? Oh, it was a giant red bird. Hell yeah.

Yeah, a giant red bird. The red wings. Anyway, my family are Cubs fans. But also the rest of you was red. Yes, that's right. That's a great – That's interesting. Interesting way to go.

No, yeah. That's a great point. There were red wings, and it could have been a red torso. Also a red-bodied bird. Yeah, could have been. Classic red-winged and red-bodied bird yeah except it had little yellow legs so they could have been the yellow character from dickens uh but anyway i happened to understand baseball in the season that my chicago cubs team overturned the curse and you're a chicago cubs fan because you're from Chicago and you're white?

Number one, that's a great point, and I agree. My dad's a big Cubs fan. You know, like he always had the game on when I was a kid. I just didn't understand what was happening. And then his dad before him. My favorite player as a kid was a Chicago Cubs legend, Mark Grace, who turned out to be a sad alcoholic. I think he's clean and sober now, but he was a sad alcoholic for quite a while. So anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm a lucky charm.

Yeah. Oh, so you're saying, so this man on the jersey, did he come from the Cubs? No, but I understood the first time I understood baseball, the Cubs won the World Freaking Series. Oh, so now you're just making calls. And now I'm like, she's just pointing at people. I'm just like, now this team is going to be good. Here's a guy who seems like he's not flustered in the box. He can, like, deliver when he needs to deliver.

He's making all those catches, but he's not showy. You probably don't even know his name, Chris Taylor. Who is that guy? But I always knew he was going to come up and deliver. He's not like a – he doesn't have the commanding presence of, say, a Yasiel Puig or the sort of adorableness of, say, a Quique Hernandez. But he was going to get the job done, and that's what I thought the Dodgers had going into this season, watching them play early games. And that has continued to be true. Cameron.

I can't believe I just said that. How's that tush, though? How's that tush? No, he's a good looking dude. Okay. I want to give you something here, Cameron. Tell me. I'm a lifelong baseball fan.

There was a time in my life when it was my only interest. And by that time, I mean all from age eight through adolescence. Oh, yeah. The only thing I cared about. I went as a teenager to baseball nerd conferences as a teenager by myself. I, as having presented all those bona fides regarding my fandom, generally pick my favorite players based on their outfits. Almost, almost, not totally exclusively, but mostly it's about how they wear their pants and little funny things they do and stuff. I was going to say, are these the outfits off the field or on the field? And I'm glad that they are the on the field.

100% on the field. They all have horrible outfits off the field or on the field, and I'm glad that they are the on the field. 100% on the field. They all have horrible outfits off the field. Absolutely. A big Chris Taylor reason for me is he wears the short pants. Oh, yeah. Replacing Andrew Tolles, who blew out his ACL very early on in the season, a player that I really loved, who I believe got a leadoff home run in the first game of the season, and then was trying to protect a no-hitter and tore his ACL in left field.

Anyway, they both wore – I loved Andrew Tolles. Loved Chris Taylor. I love it when you wear short pants. I love all pants choices. So I am not a big fan of the classic 90s into 2000s. My pants are just – look like I'm wearing sweatpants that just go all the way down to my shoes in a sort of indifferent medium. All the way past the heel? Yeah, exactly.

Not a big fan of past the heel. I know those pants. That's not anything to me. But while my favorite pant is a short pant, I love a stirrup. I'm willing to settle for a striped sock. Sure. for a striped sock. Sure.

But I am also in favor of like Manny Ramirez style fat guy's giant uniform where it's as though he's wearing like Gerbeau jeans, but it's a baseball uniform. Sure. Like they're like blousing all over everywhere and they're four feet too long and seven sizes too big in the waist. That I also enjoy. I just like anybody who's out there doing their thing. You're making a decision. Yeah.

There's a decision being made. I enjoy that. Yeah. I like a flat brim. I like a weirdly obsessively curled brim. All these things. I like it when somebody makes a pick. I like it when somebody writes a weird thing under their brim.

Yeah. Yeah. I like a pine tar brim. You know, all those things. Yeah, a pine tar brim. Yeah. Yeah. Like a pine tar brim, you know. Yeah, pine tar brim. Guy who doesn't change his hat. There was a guy for a while who played actually for the Chicago Cubs who was named Turk Wendell. And Turk Wendell was known for his many extraordinary unusualnesses, eccentricities.

unusualnesses, eccentricities. One year he held out through like half of spring training because he wanted his contract to be, I can't remember, he was wearing like, he was wearing like uniform number 99 or something. And he held out for, really, truly held out for almost all of spring training over wanting his contract to be for, I think it was like, he wanted 1.9 1,999,999.99 to be what he got paid for the year but the cubs wouldn't do it because

they considered it beneath their dignity and wanted to pay him two million and he held out for it like he refused to go to spring but anyway he used to wear and he brushed out for it. He refused to go to spring training. But anyway, he used to wear, and he brushed his teeth between every inning. That sounds like your guy. That sounds like my kind of guy. I love to brush my teeth. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Where are you spitting? Oh, anywhere.

What do you mean? I mean, when you're brushing your teeth, are you in a dugout? Yeah. Oh, this guy wears this guy. The other day, I guess I'm imagining it's the guy brushing his teeth and spitting on the ground, which is also kind of cool.

I like the idea that any baseball player would be worried about where to spit because it turns out it's all of the places. It's a lake of spit. They play in a lake of spit. It's horrifying. The Oakland Coliseum is sort of an old beat-up general purpose stadium. An opposing player was on television. They cut to a shot of the dugout. And the bathroom is in the dugout and has a door, but he was not using the door. So it was just a shot of him from behind, thankfully, taking a piss on television.

But, yeah, Turk went down. The Angels, they were playing the angels. Was it Andrelton Simmons taking a pee? Probably Andrelton Simmons. But Turk Wendell used to wear always, no matter what, a necklace made out of the teeth of boars that he had killed. Oh, sweet Lord. This is not where

I thought this was going to go. I thought it was going to be brush those in between innings too. Oh my God. I thought it was going to be slightly too much he brush those in between innings too? Oh my God. Yeah. I thought it was going to be slightly too much more chill than that. Yeah, it is. No, he was not chill at all. That's why he held out over a penny. There's a Dodger relief pitcher.

Is his name Farmer? Josh Fields. Fields. Farmer is the second baseman. Who has a Jesse Thorne beard and then also the sweatiest. It has sweat stains. He has the most disgusting hat I've ever seen because it has like white salt stains on it. And our televisions are too high definition for him to be dealing with, for him to be giving us that shit.

Yeah, guys. Because I want to gag and leave the room. Guys who won't get a new hat is definitely a category of guys. It's disgusting. It is so gross. It's amazing to me that in a baseball team, in 2017 particularly, there's this team of guys

who work for the team who are called clubhouse guys, equipment managers, clubhouse managers. And one of their jobs is whatever weird fucking shit a baseball player is into about his outfit, they have to just make it happen. Yeah.

Like when Kike says, I want some tight pants. Give me some tight pants. Just a guy from the Dodgers who's like, he looks like Burgess Meredith or whatever and is like 75 years old and has one giant eye and one tiny eye and a humpback. It's his job to call Lululemon and be like, hey, it's me. It's me, Spunk. I'm calling from the Los Angeles Dodgers. I need a pair of tight pants for Quique Hernandez. Can you get us some tight pants?

I need them today. You know what I mean? There is just a guy who's just a weird old guy who's 50. You know how our bodies are 86% water? His body is 46% water and 40% tobacco juice. 100%. And he has to call the tight pants manufacturer and get that done. Or do an emergency.

Like somebody's butt splits in the middle of the game. Yeah, but their pants, and get that done. Or like do an emergency like somebody's butt splits in the middle of the game. But their pants, not their actual butt. Exactly. Well, their butt might split too, but that's a different phone call. And you hope they're facing away from the camera. Yeah, well I hope that when they close the door of the bathroom, that door

doesn't hit them where the good Lord split them. I think I see some, do I see some ticket printouts on the ground over here? Are you guys game bound after this? We're literally going right there, yeah. What is your baseball food and drink situation like?

Oh man, great question. Thank you. I'll take it away. Typically, I like to get an O'Doul's because I no longer drink, I am sober so I'll have an O'Doul's. Does that scratch the itch? Well, I mean, sometimes it's dangerous.

So I only have it at baseball games. Or I guess maybe I'm assuming you have an itch, but maybe you don't. No, I don't. Not anymore. Every now and then I'm like, oh, man, a beer would be good. But it's not like, oh, I had a beer. It would be good. It's more like, oh, man.

Oh, I wish I could destroy my life. But I do feel every now and then I'm like, it's difficult because it's a thing that you deal with every day of your life and everybody that's, hey, shout out to everybody who's dealing with that. I understand how you feel. But I'll have an O'Doul's and be like, oh, this is great because it's like fun. It's just fun. Yeah.

And I only really get it at baseball games and weddings these days. People have like boxes and boxes of O'Doul's. Wait, they have O'Doul's at weddings? Yeah, I was at somebody's wedding and they were like, we heard you don't drink. So we got some. They just have like a warm six pack. And they have like cartons of cartons and cartons and cases of it. This was pretty cute.

It was adorable. It was really sweet. But I was like, I can't drink that much non-alcoholic beer. Yeah, no, they did buy like a bunch of O'Doul's for it. It was very sweet. But also, meanwhile, just as a hilarious side note about our relationship, I am the worst at drinking in terms of I cannot achieve it. Although it does depend on your definition of worst. Because to me, I am both the worst and best at drinking.

Yes, I'm the best and worst. You're the best and worst. What do you mean you can't? I can have, I'm actually, I'm doing a new thing this year where I can finish a beer. Oh, congratulations. So that she will open a bottle of beer and save the cap to put it back on and put it in the refrigerator. Put it back in the fridge. I'll have three more sips of it tomorrow.

You can have a little gin and tonic and you can put it in some Tupperware. My wife is the same way. And she will very rarely – she's not a big beer drinker, but occasionally she'll drink a beer and she'll do that very thing. And we went to a ball game the other day to see the San Francisco Giants play the Los Angeles Dodgers. And she got herself a beer. And the thing about a ball game beer is two things.

Number one, it costs $17 or something. So you really feel obliged to make the most of it. You got to take a loan out before you buy it. And second of all, while it costs $17, that's only $0.25 an ounce. Like they are just serving you basically a cooler of beer in a collectible cup. Exactly. By the way, if you collect those cups, that's sad. If I have a sip of those.

She does. I try to throw them out almost every day. It depends. I don't save all of them. I don't get the collectible cup anymore. She does. I try to throw them out almost every day. It depends. I don't save all of them. I don't get the collectible company. She gets the soda ones. Rhea is basically aspiring to be a Kevin James sitcom character. Yeah, that's literally what I'm trying to say. But she also knows the price of everything.

Rhea is the best because whenever we move, she's like, oh, we got to bring these glasses. These are worth $15. We got to bring this. She like prices out the commemorative glasses. I live my life as an American picker. Yeah, she is. That's what I am. And that's how I live my life. I salute you, madam.

We were going to answer what else we get. Oh, yeah. So I get an O'Doul's or I get a Cherry Coke,, or whatever in a collectible cup. And then I get a veggie dog because Dodger Stadium has veggie dogs with onions, mustard, and relish. And I get nachos. This is very cool, though. I do want to mention. And then also soft serve.

Not every time. Do you get the special nachos or regular nachos? Regular nachos. Because at Dodger Stadium, there's special nachos. There are special nachos. There are special nachos. The helmet is too big. I also just want the cheese, man. It comes in a baseball helmet. The's special nachos. There are special nachos. There are special nachos. The helmet is too big. I also just want the cheese, man.

It comes in a baseball helmet. The special helmet nachos. Hell yeah. And then they also put extra stuff on it, like pico de gallo and stuff like that. You will always see one or two kids wearing a nacho helmet. Like after. Sure. They've washed it out.

I hope you washed it out. One or two kids dressed as nacho leaders. Underappreciated film. When I was at Dodger Stadium a couple weeks ago, I had tweeted maybe a picture of myself at the game or something like that. And I got a text message from a number that I didn't recognize. And it just said, want to know where the grilled dogs are? Question mark. Oh, boy.

And I was like, want to know where the grilled dogs are? And I didn't know what to say because I didn't know who it was. I didn't know what was going on. So I just. It could be this could be. I mean, maybe what was happening to you. I don't know if you remember the Michael Douglas Sean Penn movie, The Game, where, you know, someone sets you up in kind of a deadly game of cat and mouse. Right.

That sounds like a good beginning. You want to know where the grilled dogs are. Cut to 12 hours later, you're dismembering a corpse like on a jetty. I should explain that I was Ashley Judd and I had received the text from Morgan Freeman. So it does seem like it was probably a deadly game of cat and mouse. And we're not talking about real dogs. I sent back Want to know how to eat dog meat?

I sent back a question mark. Just a question mark. I was so proud of myself. Classic response. So proud of myself with coming up with question mark because that could mean anything. That's a good response. I'm going to take that. That's really cool. It doesn't reveal that I don't know who this text message is from. It doesn't reveal that I'm not sure what's going on.

It just prompts further clarification. It's a real three-two count of a text message response. It turns out that Nick Thune, the brilliant stand-up comic. And Dodger fan. And Mariners fan. Yeah, but he's a big Dodgers fan. Nick Thune, And Mariners fan. Yeah. But he's a big Dodgers fan. Nick Thune, the Mariners fan, texted me because he feels – he is so excited.

He was so excited that he knows the one concession stand in Dodger Stadium where the Dodger dog is grilled rather than steamed or boiled. Yeah. Which I managed to finally figure out afterwards. Reserve level, right? I don't remember what he said. That's cool. Reserve level 108. I was going to say that.

I'm pretty sure. Oh, my God. I really do love you. Yeah, you get it. You know what I'm talking about. You guys should get married. Yeah, I agree. I think one thing that's great about Dodger Stadium is, first of all,

I just want to point out that the veggie dogs are not in a shaming place, which they are at most stadiums. Right. They bring a lot of attention. They're in like a... What if they just give you the O'Douls with the veggie dogs? I know. I one time ordered that stuff and someone was very angry with me because they had to

leave where they were and go somewhere else to get both of those items. I mean, you usually have to go to like a Harry Potter closet under a staircase to get them. But the other thing I want to say, which is I think a story you're really going to like based on that story that you just told. We went to a Dodger game with Paul F. Tompkins. The great Paul F. Tompkins. A couple months ago. Is Paul F. Tompkins a fan of baseball?

He's a Phillies fan. Yeah, he's a Phillies fan. He is a fan of baseball. A couple months ago. Is Paul F. Tompkins a fan of baseball? He's a Phillies fan, yes. Yeah, he's a Phillies fan. He is a fan of baseball. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I don't think he would be mad if I said this, but I'm pretty sure we got him back into baseball. I think I got him back into baseball. That's fun. I probably had nothing to do with it. A great time to be a Phillies fan. Yes, oh, 100%.

We were with Paul at the game and Paul had posted a picture of himself being there with us. It's called being a social media influencer. Then somebody tweeted at us like, hey, I hope to see you at the game. And they sent a picture of themselves. Not realizing that they were sitting three rows directly in front of us.

And we were in the photo. But tiny. And sort of blurred out. So they, this guy, in this guy's moment, he's going, Paul's here. I'll send back a photo. Hey, I'm at the game too. Yeah. Definitely didn't come up to us.

Definitely didn't realize, like there was no follow-up. These all sound like beginnings to deadly games. I know. But then the deadly game of the cat house never commenced. We're just all going to be dismembering a body on a jetty. Far be it from me to tell you two how to live your lives. I'm sorry. But the mistake that you made there was not pressing the enhance button.

Because had you pressed the enhance button a few times, you would have been able to get close enough, made your faces big enough to see that he had put red X's through your eyes. You know, I think when you're doing this kind of thing, when you're texting and tweeting from baseball games, better to send a picture of yourself than a picture of a grilled dog. Because that would be just on first glance. You might not know it's a grilled dog

if it's too close. You might have to make assumptions. Right. What I'm saying is they look like penises. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jessica. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do, adventurers? I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of The Adventure Zone,

a podcast about family playing Dungeons and Dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit. I roll to charm new listeners. It is very effective. Against all odds. Everybody, we're the Macroids. We host The Adventure Zone, it's a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast.

We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them. Maybe listen to us. We come out every other Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org. I think this promo is a critical hit. Ha, ha, ha, ha,, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, baseball fan. Cameron Esposito, baseball learning guy. We've got some sponsors

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You should do it. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thornton, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, baseball fan. Cameron Esposito, baseball learning guy. Have you two ever signed a nondisclosure agreement for something?

See, I don't know. Can you answer that question? Oh, yeah. Is that disclosing information? No. Yeah, no, I have. I have, yeah. You guys want to violate the Montero right now?

Let me tell you about it now. I can't remember what it was for. It was worth a try. Yeah. I mean, it was definitely for a TV show. Well, something that we've been doing on Jordan, Jessica lately is encouraging our listeners to call in and violate their NDIs. Anonymously. Anonymously.

By the way, I found out, we found out some more information about the person who – we had a call. Was it last week? The person who got in the school bus accident? Yeah. Somebody called. They were paid out because they were on a school bus that got hit. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

And as I recall, we were a little steamed with that person. Sure. The reason being they violated their NDA by saying that they had been permanently injured in a school bus accident, but they didn't tell us how much it was worth to be permanently injured in a school bus accident. That was bothering us to some extent. And I think reasonably so. But they have taken to our Reddit, right, to offer more information?

They're up on Reddit now. They mentioned what they got. They were permanently injured as a 15-year-old. They got $125,000. Hmm. That's not a lot of money. It's not. Yeah.

But, I mean, if you're 15, that'll buy a lot of tickets to see Metallica You could probably see Metallica I don't mean to sound like a rich snob When I say that I am actually just doing the math of You're 15 Versus the rest of your life Hoping that you live a nice long life I feel that way sometimes

I got in a car accident when I was 30 and I was not at fault in the car accident. And the settlement covered my medical costs, which was like $3,500 or $4,000. And I got it and I was glad to get the $3,500. But then I was like, I don't think I understood the extent to which I would just have a backache for the rest of my life. And I was like, I just thought it would go away. I'm 37. It hurts in the same place in the same way all the live long. You and I had a really similar experience because I was hit by a car right on my bike. And I actually had a really huge

number of medical bills like it was like 40 grand or something like that so I had to sue the company the insurance company because they offered me so I was like not at fault the other car was ticketed you know like the other car yeah the car was ticketed they were 100% of fault. $40,000 were the medical bills. Do you guys want to guess how much the insurance company offered me? $0 is what they offered me. Oh, $0. They just said, would you just sign this paper? They said, what if we give you-

Maybe one of those folks will send a Mylar balloon to the hospital. What if we give you- Wait, nothing. Yeah. With that, so anyway, I had to- What was the- Did they rationalize that at all? Not even a couple of tickets to the zoo were.

Well, I think they rationalized it. There's no rational. Yeah, I think that they rationalized it by this. That works sometimes. Right. In a lot of cases. People will give up. In a lot of cases that works.

You've got a lawyer dad. I do have a lawyer dad. So you knew a guy to call who knew the person to call. Well, I also, I mean, I literally worked at a law firm at the time. So it was like, unfortunately for this person. And fortunately for me, I was in the position to know that you do have a right to continue to ask for that. Yeah, that happened to our friend Danielle Radford who was on the show with you two weeks ago. Danielle was working at a personal

injury firm at the time. You're not going to get away with that. But I think a lot of times people think that lawsuits are frivolous. It's oftentimes just to get to zero. That's what you're gunning for.

You're just like, oh, man, I hope that my credit is not sunk for the rest of my life. Zero minus 20 percent in legal fees. Right, right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's also – it's just wild to me. And I think – I was thinking about this today too.

Like the older that I get and the more that you learn things on your own, I just remember people talking about athletes' salaries. And while I do think it's very—teachers should be being paid more than— I think teachers should be paid less, but continue. The scales are obviously out of whack, generally speaking. But then when you think about a professional athlete and everything that that person is doing to play this sport, when you break down, like, oh my God, they just got a 20 million dollar contract what they're not happy it's like well they're only really making 500 000 a year that contract is this long they're not

getting it's not a lump sum and then they're just i think to not sound like a snot we have to also add that they're making 500 000 a year at a major for-profit company. Yes. So I think that's also the- The part that upsets me is like, you would rather this asshole keep the money? That's right. Like this fucking jerk who like made $20 billion by inventing a new kind of robot pig and then sold out his company so he could buy a baseball team to play with? You want him to keep your money? The baseball team or the insurance company. Like you want the insurance companies to play with? You want him to keep your money? Or the insurance company.

Like, you want the insurance companies to keep money? That makes no sense to me. I'll promise you this. You could use the money to put in a couple more stations to have more than one place that offers a grilled dog. That's true. That's exactly right. That is a good point.

And that was one of my big problems with the O'Malley family who owned the Dodgers. You know, they built Dodger stadium and it's certainly, it's a beautiful ballpark. Um, and you know, to some extent they destroyed a neighborhood of, uh, human beings,

uh, homes to do it. But my real beef is where's the grill dogs? Only the ones stand apparently. Did you have one? Did you go get one? I didn't. It was after I had already eaten a standard dog.

Actually, can I tell you something honest? Uh huh. And I don't mean to, and forgive the coincidence here, throw my wife under the bus. My wife, as everyone here, as all gathered parties knows, is a better person than I. You're better looking, smarter, more decent person than I. She, because it was a sort of Father's Day gift to me that we would go to this golf ball game, offered to go get food, and I asked for the nachos that are in the helmet, and I said, just not the regular nachos, just the nachos in the helmet. And she said, I walked for a little while, and I didn't see the helmet nachos, so I just got regular nachos.

Grounds for divorce, I think. Sorry about that. We're talking about what will and won't hold up in court. I wanted that helmet so that I could resent it. I feel a little weird about that only because, like, I know Teresa. She's super capable. Yeah, she's very, very capable. I mean, she went to law school.

I didn't. Right. If you go to Dodger Stadium, it's hard to not see nachos full of helmets. Nachos full of helmets. Yeah not it's hard to avoid the nachos full of not just full of helmets yeah it's hard to not see not just full it is interesting the crunch of the small helmet the crack of the bat the smell of the tiny helmet one of those standard big helmets full of tiny ice cream oh yeah rattle rattle rattle that be cute, a full-size helmet filled with tiny novelty helmets. Oh, my God, I love that. What do you think happened during that walk around?

I think she got distracted by the size of the beer that she had purchased. Sure. That might have been it. She made the classic mistake of getting the refreshments before securing the nachos. You secure the nachos, and then you get the other items. Once I sat, have you guys ever sat in the seat at the baseball game? And we'll get back into NDAs in a second. Sure.

Where you get to go to a room where there's unlimited food. We're doing that tonight. Oh, man. Congratulations, you two. And tomorrow night. I hope that you two are both such lithe, fit young women. I hope that you eat like monsters. Just like animals.

I'm going to. Disgusting animals. I haven't eaten all day so that I can eat at this thing. Is that true? They just have a barrel of hot dogs. Wow. So this situation that you guys are getting yourselves into, this unlimited food situation, is it unlimited?

It's just unlimited of the food they serve there. But they have special food because there's something called a stadium club. It's not like being on Death Row where you can get any food. I can't get anything just flown in. Sure. It's not like being on Death Row where you can get any food. I can't get anything just flown in. Sure. But they do have caramel apples and red velvet cake and carrot cake and sushi and stuff like that.

Wow. All of those sound like terrible baseball foods. They are terrible baseball foods. A caramel apple? I'm trying to build out the world. Give me some caramel apples and tuna rolls. I don't care if I have diarrhea. If you'd like to violate an NDA, call us at 206-984-4FUN.

Here's our first violator now. Hi, guys. This is in Burbank. Violating an NDA. Can you pause this call, Danny? This is like a 1950s transcontinental telephone call that he placed to us from Burbank, eight miles from here. He is calling us from the belly of an oil tanker that just dropped off its payload. I mean, I don't have enough familiarity with your system to have other things to compare it to. Maybe to me, that might be all of your phone calls sound like they're coming from a submarine.

We use an Internet-based system, and it's amazing that this guy was able to connect to Soup Can to the Internet. Okay, let's listen. Thank you for calling. And obviously, you got a pretty good caller, but I wouldn't have picked it. Just, you know, sometimes I got to vent. A real regular Bill Maher. You already gave us too much information. But I used to work on America's Next Top Model.

And the greatest thing about that show, and I recently found a bunch of little pieces of paper from the show that just sort of revealed some really silly, ridiculous behind-the-scenes stuff, including the time that I had to go hunt for popcorn for Tyra Banks for two and a half hours and then later found out she didn't really care what kind of popcorn she got. The best thing was that on Mike, on the, what do you call it, on the walkie-talkies, whenever she was coming to set, her code name was Precious. So Precious is coming up the walk.

Precious is in the driveway. Etc, etc, etc. I just thought it was adorable. And we all then adopted the nickname Precious for ourselves on set. But there you go. Violating an NDA. I won't talk about the stuff I stole. Bye.

I feel like really nervous for that guy. He said way too much stuff he gave us a lot of information why did he tell us his name get out of here I feel like it must have been that code name

must have been weird when the movie Precious came out sure yeah cause it definitely predates the movie but it definitely was it Lord of

after Lord of the Rings we've got Precious coming in and they're like Precious or Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire

also was it Lord of the Rings based I feel like I would bet Like Precious or Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Also, was it Lord of the Rings based? I feel like I would bet that it is just Tyra's nickname from childhood. I kind of love her. I bet you could pick your own. I kind of love her. I bet you get to pick your own code name when you're going into a reality show situation. So she picked Precious? Did she pick Precious between the choices Precious and Gollum?

So they gave her those two? Right, right. Yeah. Balrog? Is Tyra Banks supposed to be a good person? Sometimes when someone says Tyra Banks, I think of Naomi Campbell. I think Naomi Campbell is supposed to be a bad person, right? Is she the one who's famous for doing crazy model things?

I don't know. Like things you would do if you were really high on blow? I know what – I mean I feel like – well, here's the thing. Number one, I have a very high opinion of both of those people. This is based on nothing. Well, we know one thing about them. They're handsome to look at. That they are in...

They're quite fit. That's true. Also, George Michael's video for Freedom... Freedom 99? 91? What is it called? Freedom 90? 89.

90. 90. Yeah. I hate when it says 90. Boy, we really circled it. We got there. I think all of these names... Naomi Campbell is great in that. 90. 90. Yeah. I hate it when it's 90. Boy, we really circled it. We got there. I just, I mean, I think all of these names.

Naomi Campbell is great in that. All these names just to me, to me, kind of remind me that of like early sexual feelings I had while watching House of Style. Oh, sure. Yeah, sure. I don't, what I was going to say is. I had most of my early sexual feelings while watching John Leguizamo on House of Buggin'. But I think we all had house-related sexual feelings. Sure, yeah.

Yeah. Hugh Laurie, I mean. Come on. Of course. Sure. Oh, my second thing is I don't really tend to believe when anybody talks about a woman in Hollywood being a piece of shit. That's fair. I believe that.

Because I think like people's idea of what a piece of shit for women is slightly different. I feel like one of those two ladies has hit people in public. Okay, I don't know anything about that. Oh yeah, wasn't there a cell phone throwing incident? But I think that's all like paparazzi related. Yeah, that's true. It's hard to tell I would hit a paparazzo and I've never hit

anyone. If somebody's like if somebody is the center of a thing and people are constantly asking them questions like, I understand that somebody loses their shit. Am I saying they should treat somebody else like garbage? No. But it also is like this person has to constantly talk to people and is like propped up on a thing. Like, of course, they're going to lose their mind if a paparazzi.

You can't be left alone for a second of your life. How do you two deal with paparazzi from The Advocate? Oh, come on. We also get it from Ellen personally. Not after Ellen.com, but Ellen. Just Ellen. Just Ellen personally. Ellen personally.

I think that, yeah, I kind of agree with you in that I think that people love that narrative of famous person as monster. And I think they will back their prejudices into that a little bit. Like, you know, in that. Hey, here's a hot take. Yeah. You know, in that that shit circulated a couple weeks ago about like Steve Harvey's memo to his staff. Yes.

I'm like, yeah, Steve Harvey. That sounds reasonable. He just doesn't want to be bugged in his dressing room before the eight tv shows he hosts i don't know set boundaries it said don't come in like yeah it was like stop bothering me in the hallway i'm not gonna talk to you anymore like it definitely and i don't think that guy's like a good dude he might yes harvey might be actually be a bad man but that thing in particular I know what you're saying Jordan Clearly there's an issue here

Where people are catching him in between things And he just can't do that anymore We were like trying to prepare for the thing Yeah the eight television shows Can we make appointments And then he reads the name of the beauty contestant wrong Boom I also straight up do not think

Everybody gets a pass. That's not what I'm saying. But I think if you use your eyes and you look at what happens to women in Hollywood, like if you look at their eyes, if you just look at pictures that you've seen of really famous people over like say a decade, I don't know how anybody's keeping it together because like half of these women seem to be getting chewed up and spit out. Like some horrible shit seems to be happening for them internally. They're like barely holding it together. So there are people that are – that everybody is like, oh, she's amazing. You don't even know. Like you meet her and it's like you're the only woman in the – person in the room and I don't – don't know how that's achievable or how i don't know any i felt that way about padma lakshmi

that she was like zeroing in on you man she was on the phone too she was in new york when she was on my show i felt like i when i was talking to padma lakshmi i felt and i don't even care about padma lakshmi i know a lot of people are like, love Padma Lakshmi. She's awesome. Because they love her show and everything. Like it's, you know, it's the favorite reality show of highbrow types. But I've never seen it, frankly. But I enjoyed her book about spices that I was interviewing her about.

But anyway, talking to Padma Lakshmi, I felt like the greatest human being in the world. I was like, Padma Lakshmi likes me. She's magical. You know what I mean? Like, it is weird the way that some people can have that effect. Some people have that quality about them. Katie Couric said she does it on purpose.

When I interviewed Katie Couric on The Turnaround, my interview show about interviewers, she said, my goal is to make that person feel like we're the only two people in the world. Yeah. And I felt like that when I was talking to Padma Lakshmi. I mean, she radiates peace. Like literally she does. Yeah. Like, literally, she does. Yeah. And grace. So graceful.

Yeah. But I mean, anyway, that's all. I feel like I tend to like... That's a very fair point. I mean, I think that especially, like the weirdest part about it is that all of that madness around women in Hollywood

is about them as people and their lives as a narrative rather than even being having the courtesy of being about their work. Like, I mean, I think there's a certain amount of like Jennifer Lawrence sucks as an actress or whatever that a super famous actress gets. But like mostly it's just like a weird compulsive tearing apart of the actual fabric of their lives. Oh, yeah. 100%. Well, speaking of personal violations, let's take one more NDA violation here. Hey, Jordan and Jesse.

This isn't exactly an NDA. It's more what George Bluth would call light treason. When I was 21, I served in the U.S. Army at the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. I happened to be tasked on one of my last days in active service with the delivery of the performance review of the command judge advocate, the legal counsel to the warden of the military prison, to the office of the fourth commanding

officer. Of course, as soon as I was alone, I read it. This is the light treason part. See, the command judge advocate had found a way to interpret the regulations of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, Army Regulation 27-10, and others to allow the guards and prison officials to read privileged attorney-client mail, something, judging by the effusive praise of the prison's commandant, that had not been allowed before. I don't know if this is widely known or changed in all the time since I was on active service. I never told a soul until now, when it might matter less than nothing. It has eaten me up inside for 15 years, knowing Chelsea Manning and others

were having their attorney-client privilege violated. But I was too cowardly to come forward or say anything, until now, on this comedy podcast that I like. Thanks, guys. Well, what just happened? Hi'm bob woodward yeah um you know thanks for sharing it with us but maybe go go to a news source god i wish i knew somebody at npr yeah well i mean the tweet out of my guess Unfortunately this is also A bad time

Yeah To know this stuff Like I feel like I'm not saying there was a really great time To know The 50s To know There wasn't like a really great time

To know or disclose things about the inner workings of like the military prison system. Yeah. But I feel like this is a phenomenally bad time. Yeah. I don't know that there's any – who – like who do you tell? Who's going to care? So they tell a reporter, which is – you know, would be great or whatever. But then that reporter goes like, we're running this up the chain and the bosses will hear about this one.

And then the big boss just like poops on a toilet like that's i mean what is like what is what is can i refer this person maybe to the aclu yeah that's a good idea yeah it's called the aclu see what they have to say oh but thank you know thank thank you for giving us this exclusive. I mean, we've been looking to like break more news on the show. I think we both agree that, you know, that's something we can do to kind of like up the show's, you know, visibility is break more news. Right. I'm hoping to get in. I was thinking more like all in with Chris Hayes.

Yeah. Also, this might be my ticket to that. I think it's important that you guys chose the strategy for breaking news that so many outlets use, which is to just kind of bury it deep in the show after a hot dog rant. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I mean it's sort of been the Jordan-Jesse-go-way this past decade is we do the work to alienate the audience. Sure. And we go from there.

I think when we started this segment, we were hoping for more, hey, I tried a weird VR porn thing. Yeah. That's where I thought this was going to go. Right. I mean, I feel like the ideal was that person who said that the flashlight looked like a dildo or whatever. Yeah. Wasn't that what it was? They were in a flashlight panel and they had to say about the different flashlights and they said one of them looked like a dildo.

Those were the days, huh? Yeah. Those were the days. God. I feel such burden of responsibility. Thankfully I share it with the two dozen people that listen to this show. Who knows? Maybe Jake Tapper listens to this. That would be nice. That would be good. Alex Wagner.

She's great. You know, Woodward probably doesn't listen to this show, but maybe Bernstein does. Yeah, Bernstein seems into it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, MaxFunFans. It's me, Jesse, the owner of MaxFunFun. I've got a question for you. Will you help us make our shows better?

We wanted to find a way to find out what the MaxFun community thinks about our shows. So we started something called the MaxFun Listener Panel. Basically, you subscribe to a podcast feed and twice a month or so, roughly speaking, we'll send you an episode of a show and instructions on how to fill out a quick survey about what you think about that show. 10 questions, nothing too crazy. You'll be hearing existing shows that we're thinking about making changes to, secret pilots of shows that we're developing that you'll only hear this way, shows we're considering adding to the network.

And what you think about them really matters to us. So to join the panel, it's easy. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash listener panel. That's MaximumFun.org slash listener panel. Thanks for helping make MaxFun better. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, baseball fan.

Cameron Asposito, baseball learning guy. Now something momentous happened recently, which is that the CISO streaming service announced it was shutting down. I know you guys have made a second season of your show Take My Wife, which is a real favorite of mine. A really wonderful, brilliant show. It exists, but it's not up yet, right?

That's the current status? So the thing that we could say about this is that we told the internet that we needed the internet's help. Yeah. And sometimes the internet doesn't help. Is, you know, for shit we needed the internet's help. Yeah. And sometimes the internet – Doesn't help. Is, you know, for shit. But sometimes it does help. It will give us – it will take it away.

The internet does help. It will draw a picture of Shrek pregnant. Yeah. And so what we asked was for the internet to – for Twitter, specifically people on Twitter, but other socials also to use the hashtag TakeMyWife. And there's a tweet that has like our stats for this season in terms of diversity and casting and then also behind the scenes. And we just asked people to share that.

And I mean, we didn't even ask. Many thousands of people did. We didn't even ask people to share that. I just posted it because I just felt like people should see it. Yeah. You're proud of it. It took a lot of hard work. And so anyway, if the listeners to this show would like to do us a solid and they can or not, it's totally like choose your own adventure.

could go on our Twitter feeds and you could find this tweet with our stats or you can go on your own and just tweet out with the hashtag TakeMyWife that you would like our show. Yeah. And maybe you'd like to see it. Yeah. Maybe you holler at a, this is in your opinion, but I'm just saying, maybe you holler at a Youverse. Maybe drop a line to Hulu.

Hey Reels. Yeah. Hey Reels channel. Yeah, what stars? That could probably handle this. Excuse me. Hello. Is this the Ovation Network?

What are you and why aren't you airing this show? Just give a call to show business and let them know you'd like to enjoy that program because I think you would like to enjoy that program. And let them know you'd like to enjoy that program because I think you would like to enjoy that program. Whether or not you had concerns about CISO's user interface. I've seen a lot of concerns about CISO's user interface. Not enough concerns about how they gave everyone we like a TV show. That made me laugh. That was a funny joke. show.

That made me laugh. That was a funny joke. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. Here's the first call. Hello, this is Matt from Iowa. My momentous occasion is that in my 62nd year, I finally made it

to the end of Moby Dick. I punched the great white blimp. Thanks for a great show. Keep up the good work. Cameron, you're in love over there. She's losing it. That is about the cutest thing I ever heard in my entire life.

I didn't appreciate the spoiler, though. I'm only halfway through, and I haven't even seen the blimps yet. It's ruined. Just throw it in the trash. Yeah. Look at that sweetie keeping that as a goal. Yeah. It is a good goal.

We have a friend from college who's a big Moby Dick fan. Real Moby Dick head. Yeah. He'll tell you it's funny. I don't believe him though. Frankly, I don't believe him that Moby Dick is funny. Like it's a comedy? That seems like something that someone would tell you because they're proud

that they read Moby Dick. They're like, please God, join on this with me. Come into this world with me. Oh, you gotta read Brothers Karamazov for the jokes. Like you know how sometimes, I don't know if you guys have ever been to a Shakespeare play, but I'm a real NPR host.

I love going to Shakespeare plays all the time. You know how sometimes a guy in a Shakespeare play will be like, oh, the French, they do be froggeths. And then some guy sitting in front of you will be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And you're like, Jesus Christ, all he did was say the French are frogs. It's racist against French people and not even a joke. I have seen a great production of a Shakespeare play. Would you like to hear about it? Yes.

When I lived in Chicago, there was something that was sweeping the nation that was called Tiny Ninja Shakespeare. Have you guys ever heard of it? No. Sweeping the nation? It was. It was like the New York Times was writing about it? No. Sweeping the nation? It was. It was like the New York Times was writing about it a lot. It was like in the zeitgeist. Tiny Ninja Shakespeare. Yes.

Pretty much the only thing from Chicago that's ever really swept the nation is football teams making rap songs. Number one, how dare you? Because I am also from Chicago and I'm currently sweeping the nation. That's a good point. Which is exhausting. You're such a big nation. You're such a small broom.

And everybody's walking around the nation with their shoes on. Take your shoes off before you come into the nation. Why wouldn't someone just give me a Swiffer? It'd be easier. You thought you had taken a job at the nation. This is fun. Maybe I'm an opinion columnist. No, it wasn't even Chicago-based.

It was like they came to Chicago, and Chicago has a Shakespeare theater that is built to look like the Globe Theater. And so people are like, whoa. Anyway, nuts about it. Tiny Ninja Shakespeare is. Do you know if you put 25 cents in a little container as you leave the grocery store? And you twist the thing. A little egg comes out. Sometimes there's a chicken involved. there the toys in there that look like butthead temporary tattoo

the toys in there that look like a ninja a guy collected them and then he would take a little camera and he would he would make like a little, teeny stage the size of a piece of paper. And there would be a projector screen behind him. And he'd have a teeny camera that he was holding. And then with his other hand, he would do the voices and move the ninjas. And he would do entire Shakespeare plays. I had not heard of this, but I did once see an all homies production of Waiting for Godot. Did you see Waiting for Gohomies?

So you went to that? I went to that. What is the live experience? I mean, it was actually super fun. And there was one smiley face, like all of them were ninjas. And there was one smiley face, which was Ophelia. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It was.

I could see. I guess for me, I'm imagining my experience if I would have gone to that. Uh-huh. I imagine in the opening five minutes, you're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. And then I bet there's a point where you're like, you don't have to do the whole thing, right? I mean, you proved to me that you can do this. I don't know. I mean, I thought it was great that they actually used the real Royal Shakespeare Company to do the voices. Maybe a little below their dignity, but, you know, job's a job,

right? I mean, I think this was also happening like like, sort of, when I think about when I saw this, probably 10 years plus ago. So I bet it was also happening, like, right when cameras changed from being, like, a bulky thing that you had to sit on your entire shoulder or, like, set up a tripod. So the whole idea of this thing was just, like, what is this? This guy from the future traveling back and all he- With his own camera? And all he brought back was a tiny ninja Shakespeare. Do you remember what Shakespeare play you saw with the ninjas?

What's Ophelia in? Is it Hamlet? Oh, right. Yeah. I saw that. Cool. There you go. I saw Hamlet.

Tiny. Ophelia recurs in a lot of the other Shakespeare plays. Tiny ninja. She's like the Samuel L. Jackson of that universe. She didn't kill herself at all. No, yeah. And Ophira is in NPR's Ask Me Another. That's right.

That's right. I'll be on Ask Me Another on Friday night, as you hear this, in Los Angeles at the Ace Theater, along with our friend Jonathan Coulton. Have you done it before? I haven't, but I'm really looking. I did it once at a public radio conference. It's pretty fun. Ophira is super great, great host. Ophira and Jonathan Colton, both favorites of ours.

Joko. Joko is how you shorten his name. We've got one more call. Hey, guys. This is Joe from Oklahoma City. I just had what I can only describe as a momentous occasion. I had to go check my office's P.O. box, and while I'm at the post office, this well-dressed older woman walks up to me

and asks for my help. When I turn to look at her, I see that she has her P.O. box key ring stuck between two of her teeth. And she wanted me to reach into her mouth and pull it out. I was so flabbergasted that I just did it and spent the entire car ride back to work just wishing I had some Purell or something. But I needed to share that with somebody. So, yeah. That's dope. Other people's mouths. I can't to share that with somebody. So, yeah.

That's dope. Other people's mouths. I can't tell if this guy is nice or an asshole. No, he's nice. He helped out. He did his part. How did she get the key ring in between her two teeth? I mean, I think, you know, you're just, you know, you're at the post office.

You're juggling. Chewing on stuff. I mean, you know, and I feel like we all, when we have an armful, will reluctantly use the mouth and just hope no one sees. Yeah. You know, you got groceries. I've got a soda can between my teeth. You know, you just bite into a little lip. Oh, yeah.

On the edge. Yeah, sure. I will sometimes be headed out to like my car in the morning. You know, you got all your stuff for the morning. You know, maybe if you're doing some exercise after, you got a gym bag and you're kind of like – and, you know, I like to hold the cat up to the last possible moment. So, you know, I have her before I'm going out the door. You toss her back through an open window. Yeah, exactly.

And, you know, sometimes I'll like to bring – I'll like to bring a sparkling water with me, Kroger brand seltzer. I'm not making LaCroix money these days. And I will, in order to open that door and engineer all those other things, I will put my entire mouth around the can. And just hope to God that when I open that door, one of my neighbors isn't walking by to see me with this coal can in my mouth. Oh, my God. So I can see. I had the exact same situation come up the last time I was filleting myself. Sure. Yeah.

Same deal. You just put the can in your little can. Oh, no. Now I'm imagining that. And I don't want to be. No. You know what? Do you know what's my classic thing to keep in my mouth for safekeeping is a ticket in and out of a parking structure.

Yeah. Number one super dirty thing. Don't put that in your mouth. But let's show me ticket coming out of a parking structure. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Number one. What do you have to say, Steve Harvey? Don't look at me.

No eye contact. I'm not talking right now. 206-984-4FUN we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go it's Jordan and Jessie Go I'm Jessie Thorne I'm Eric

I was right Jordan Morris boy detective Rhea Butcher baseball fan Cameron Esposito baseball learning guy Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne. I'm Eric. I was right. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Rhea Butcher, baseball fan. Cameron Esposito, baseball learning guy. Oh, what a joy to have you two here. I'll tell you this much. If I was a Jordan, Jesse, go listener, and God knows I'm not, but if I were a Jordan, Jesse, go listener, you know what I would be saying to myself right now? God, I wish that these two charming young women were coming

to my town. Not just my ears via electronics, but live and in person coming to where I live. But that's impossible, right? I mean, you guys are Hollywood big shots. You just stay home in the hills. Oh, yeah. That's right.

We just stay only in the free food section of Dodger Stadium. Eating red velvet cake and spicy tuna. They have cuts. Also, I just have to say, if that's true, you should listen to your own

podcast. You have a beautiful voice. Don't you know? Thank you. Don't you ever get to hear your own voice?'s very kind of you sometimes i do listen to ria and my podcast put your hands together where we tell hilarious stand-up comedy jokes literally because it does make me laugh that's so shameful to say that you're just like a self-contained unit you don't need anything sometimes i go for a hike and I just put my own jokes in my ears and I go, oh, Rhea's going to come in here with a...

And I bet you forget the night before stand-up set because you have that half a beer. That's right. I got wasted. I had that three-quarters of a Heineken. Oh, yeah. Once in a great while, I'll listen to Jordan and Jessie go and it leads to a wonderful moment.

I think Jordan and I have talked on the air about how if you come up and talk to us about something that happened on Jordan and Jesse go, we will not be familiar with it. We will, we don't remember what happened on a show the second it comes out of our mouths before we've even left the booth. But when I listen to Jordan

and Jesse go, sometimes I'll think of a joke that I think is great, and then I'll say it on the show. And I'm like, oh, yeah, good work, me. We're on the same wavelength over here. I literally was just going to ask you if you've ever had this experience because that is the experience that I have listening to Put Your Hands Together. I'm like, come on, Cammie. Chime in with this good one. And then I'll do it and I'll get so excited.

It is magical. My brain works the same. Anyway, show business, traveling. You guys are a regular bingo long in his traveling all-stars over here. You're not going to believe it. Who's James Earl Jones? I'm going to say Cameron. Classic.

Classic Cameron. Where are you guys headed out on tour, Rhea? Seattle, Washington. Oh, wow. Portland, Oregon. Oh, yeah. The Rose City. The Rose City.

San Francisco, California. The City by the Bay, yeah. The Rose City. The Rose City. San Francisco, California. The City by the Bay. San Diego, California. The Windy City. Phoenix, Arizona. The City with Broad Shoulders. Dallas, Texas. That's another city.

Austin, Texas. More of a town. Houston, Texas. Definitely a city. New Orleans, Louisiana. That's flood country. Atlanta, Georgia. Try the shrimp.

That was, I guess, more for New Orleans. That was for New Orleans. This is fun. Carrboro, North Carolina. Carrboro? Carrboro, North Carolina. Sounds like fun. Halfway between car and carburetor.

Philadelphia. Pennsylvania. Try the cream cheese. Paul F. Tompkins. Yes. They have cheese steaks. Washington, D. Philadelphia. Pennsylvania. Try the cream cheese. Paul F. Tompkins. Yes. They have cheese steaks. Washington. D.C.

Our nation's capital. Salute the flag. Really? Brooklyn. New York. I feel like you're saying this in the movie phone cadence. I also thought that this is- Did you want me to change it up?

No, I like it. I like the cadence. I don't think you can just skip the Brooklyn, New York one because no one that listens to this show lives in Brooklyn. Okay. Who do you think listens to this show? M.O.P.? The rap group M.O.P.? Probably.

From Brownsville? I thought it was the number one listening group. I don't think so. Cleveland, Ohio. And Lil Fame listens. Definitely. Pontiac, Michigan. Oh, wow.

Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jesus Christ. Chicago, Illinois. You really are Michigan. Oh, wow. Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jesus Christ. Chicago, Illinois. You're really going on a fucking tour. Ending in Madison, Wisconsin. I really didn't think you were going to read all the cities. What? It's fun.

No, I thought it was super fun. I have a microphone right here. Can I ask you guys a question? What's your fucking problem with Missoula, Montana? I mean, look, I'm working on it. I'll tell you what our problem with Missoula, Montana is. Oh, boy. Too many what?

I feel like we have been hiding the whole lead here. You're tired of having your breath taken away by the vistas? That classic phrase. Don't hide the lead. Don't hide the lead. Close your eyes and count to ten. I'm going to hide the lead. It's like when the publisher of the Washington Post once famously said, don't hide your lead under a bushel basket.

That's right. So the reason that we're not going to Missoula, Montana, is because we're going to be in a tour bus for the first time. It's the two of us in a tour bus. So if anybody has a hookup with a PlayStation 4, I would really appreciate it. The two of us, a driver, and then some poor sap who's like our... Also Murph.

Yeah, Murph. Murph the derf is coming on the... He's driving the bus. And then there's a... Dog driving a bus, then there's a dog driving a bus that sounds cute there's a tour manager which I'm imagining like I'm trying to understand who wants the job of this a married couple sure that's stand-up comics and then me I bet you I bet if you're a tour manager and you know know, I mean, I don't know where this person is coming from, but maybe if you're, you know, you're somebody who like organized tours for like White Snake in the 80s. Sure. And, you know, you have to pay for the hotel room.

You have to, you know, pay off the guy at the bar who they, you know, threw a shot glass into his face. bar who they, you know, threw a shot glass into his face. And you're like, I just want a nice married couple, one who doesn't drink, one who could only finish a half of a beer in one night, and their nice dog. I bet that seems like such a relief. You know what? I am so glad that I brought up and aired that nervousness that I had, because thank you for saying that. That makes perfect sense.

I've been thinking about this all the wrong way. I've been like, this idiot is trapping themselves on a bus with us for no reason. What makes perfect sense. I've been thinking about this all the wrong way. I've been like, this idiot is trapping themselves on a bus with us for no reason. What a sad thing. Yeah. You're saying we're responsible adults.

I don't know. I mean, depending on where they're coming from. Tour managers are so fucking chill. Fucking people that work. I've only done one tour ever with professional tour professionals,

which was the Judge John Hodgman tour of the Eastern Seaboard that we did last year. And we didn't do it in a bus. We're not big shots like you two. Are your faces on the bus? We did it in a rental car, a Buick. However, we did have a professional tour manager and a professional sound person on the road with us. And I think if you get that job, then get it again, it's because you're the chillest person on earth. And everyone likes you. I can't wait to meet this chill person. I don't think there is anyone who can get one job with Modest Mouse

and then a second job with Tegan and Sarah or whatever that is not profoundly chill. And it is amazing because you are freed of all responsibility for yourself. It is like being a 12-year-old in the best way possible. You can be like, like literally there will come a part where you're just like, I'm playing video games. Don't bother me. And they'll be like, come on playing video games. Don't bother me. And they'll be like, come on, let's go. Take my keys out of my mouth.

All right. Thanks, mommy. Yeah, I'm nervous to be on the bus. You should ask them to like scratch your head while you go to sleep. That's a good point. Hopefully they will be a calming presence and I won't have to be so nervous. I think they will be. Can I tell you guys before we go,

Jordan, I sort of told you two beforehand something that my daughter said. And I apologize if you're a One Bad Mother listener and you heard this on One Bad Mother because my wife may tell this story. It's her story. She was giving them a bath the other night and my three-year-old and my six-year-old, my three-year-old Oscar and my six-year-old Grace were in

the bath and Oscar was pretending to be a doggie. He's been doing a lot of pretending lately, but he was pretending to be a dog. You're making arfing and bow wow sounds and looking for a bone, asking for a bone. And Grace said to him, sorry, doggie, the world decided to cancel bones. Wow. Yeah. Decided to cancel Bones. Shut down. But she was just a fan of the David Boreanaz show, right? Yeah. She actually thought she was talking to David Boreanaz.

Sure. Yeah. That was the problem. Good, because Oscar's weight fluctuates wildly. Angel and dog are very confusing. pretty devastating scenario where then Teresa would be like well that's impossible because bones are from inside of us and dogs

gnaw on their owners after they die on their owners and slash other animals carcasses sure yeah you know what I mean like you have a little harsh lesson about how cool nature is exactly because like this that could happen in a world where we're manufacturing bones. Right.

But, oh, they're coming from dead things. Yeah. But I mean, are animals really people? I don't think so. And, you know, I think at any point, I mean, I'm not a parent myself. I hope to be someday. I mean, I think that this will be kind of the- You've been spraying your seed around just in case.

Sure. Yeah. Oh, is that what that is? Wait, did you sign an NDA? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I think any time you can remind your child that we're just meat and we're going into the ground sooner than you think. Yeah. And I think any time you have that opportunity for that teaching moment, you've got to take it.

I just watched the movie Goon, Last of the Enforcers, a.k.a. Goon 2, but the publicist told me under no circumstances was I to refer to it as Goon 2. Anyway, the announcer in there just says stuff, and one thing he says is, we're all pink inside. The other thing that he says is, all my uncles are dead. Oh, boy. I don't know anything about Goon One.

Oh, Goon One's a really fun, very surprisingly brutal hockey movie. Very funny hockey movie that is also brutal. With Stifler. Yes, with Stifler, who is wonderful in it. He's just great in it. He really is fantastic. Why would I not know about it? Great Liev Schreiber performance there too. Yeah, Liev Schreiber is also great.

What? Stifler from the movie Stifler. I haven't seen that movie, but I've seen Goon. The titular Stifler? Yeah, yeah. Goon and role models are movies that I have seen. He's so fucking great in both of them. How come he's not in every movie? It's one of those things where... I think because we called him Stifler.

Do you guys realize we started on a spoiler and we're ending on a Stifler? There we go. That's got to mean something. What? Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, almost back from Across the Pond, is our producer on this show. Speaking of Across the Pond, hey, jackasses in England, buy a ticket to our show. We're coming to the London Podcast Festival, ugly American style.

Yeah, they're to ruin your town and to demand that your precious warm beer be served kind of cold. You know what our new thing is? To tip your bartenders. Trump diplomacy. kind of cold. You know what our new thing is? To tip your bartenders. Trump diplomacy.

We're going to get there, shake hands with you, and decide if we're going to bomb your country on that basis. We've got a great show. That's the basis. Locked and loaded for you. Pow, pow, pow, pow. We're bringing guns. Yeah. And cheddar cheese.

No, American cheese. Yeah, that's the one. Cheddar cheese is probably in English. I think it's British. I think they started it in the Isles of Cheddar. Hey, by the way, thank you for that, England. It's a great cheese. Gloucester is a nice cheese, too.

It's actually maybe from Ireland, and so we're actually kind of falling into a little bit of a political murky territory. How about this? If you're Irish, you don't even deserve to have your own country. You should be under England's boot heel. Oof. Oof. That's a good thing to say. So I just signed here for the NBA?

We're flying into Heathrow, if that helps. You killed Jordan, is what you did. Okay. Anyway, please come to our show at the London Podcast Festival. We have the great Nick Hornby is going to be there. He's going to be naming stuff. Hey, that's awesome. Yeah, I know.

He's the best. That's cool. That guy is fucking the best. He has an Oscar, and he's our friend. That's cool. Okay. He probably knows Cary Mulligan. What's your top five favorite things about Nick Hornby?

Number one, I saw Cary Mulligan one time. Yes. And I haven't gotten over it since. Number two, one time Nick Hornby came into my apartment in Koreatown and he saw an autographed picture of Swamp Dog. And he said, hey, cool, Swamp Dog. And then we just talked about Swamp Dog for like 20 minutes. He loves Swamp Dog. That's great.

Number three, loves to name shit. That's why he's the king of naming on Jordan and Jesse Go. Number four, Love his novels. Really enjoyed his most recent Funny Girl about a young comedian in swinging 1960s London. I can't relate to it. Number five. He loves soccer. That's not really a real one.

Five things. Arsenal, I think, is his favorite team. Supports Arsenal. Oh, I am going to find that book. Funny Girl? Oh, yeah. It's really cool. It's a really fun book. You got it. Sold. One book, yeah. It's really cool. It's a really fun book.

You got it. Sold. One book. Okay. That's it for this week's Jordan Jesse Go. We'll talk to you next time. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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