Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 494: Live from Angel City Brewery with Elliott Kalan and Open Mike Eagle

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Jordan and Jesse are joined live on stage from the Angel City Brewery in Los Angeles by Elliot Kalan from The Flophouse podcast and Open Mike Eagle from the Tights and Fights podcast.  Plus, bonus stand up sets from Riley Silverman and Danielle Radford.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we talk about nothing but beverages. Whether they're flat or carbonated, beverage talk is our game and we are in the Hall of Fame. You know what they say, glug glug.

That's our catchphrase here on Jordan Jesse Go, glug glug. However, we've only got two or three minutes of tape for this week's show. Oh, shoot. I have an alternative idea. Yeah, yeah, quick. I recorded the comedy podcast

that we did the other day at Angel City Brewery in Los Angeles. Oh, that had a pretty great lineup. That's the one with the great lineup, right? Yeah, sure. Elliot Kalin from The Flophouse and, of course, Open Mike Eagle from Tights and Fights. Yeah.

So here's my idea. Okay. I'm just going to run this by. Quick, man, we are running out of tape. What if, and I know we're running out of tape here. What if we just ran that? So we just did this as sort of intro. We just say, we run that.

We cut a little outro at the end. Sure. And then we save our tape for if we need to start a fire in the wilderness. Yeah. Tape is very flammable. I think that's a great idea. Here's the thing. Yeah. Can we sweeten the deal? there something some like a dish so okay elliot calen hilarious guy you're

very funny open mike eagle not only a funny guy but he's gonna do some music yeah talented musician as well pretty this is a sweet deal right is there something we can tack on to the end some kind of additional entertainment that you know will that'll say i'm sorry to the end, some kind of additional entertainment that will say, I'm sorry to the audience for not spooling up enough tape for this episode. What about stand-up comedy? Yeah, I love it. The audience loves it. What if we had stand-up comedy from Daniel Radford from Tights and Fights and Riley Silverman,

the head writer of International Waters? I mean, I think that'd do it. Do we have that? I'm checking with Daniel here. Do we have that? I'm checking with Daniel here. Do we have that? Yeah. He said, yeah. Okay.

So here's what people are going to hear. They're going to hear a live Jordan Jesse go. Great take, Daniel, by the way. They're going to hear a live Jordan Jesse go with Elliot Kalin and Mike Eagle. Yeah. Music from Mike Eagle. Yeah. And then afterwards, two great stand-up comedy sets.

This is an amazing deal. This is much better than beverage talk. This is. Let's get out of the business. Yeah. So just real quick, both of our favorite drink of all time is Cherry 7-Up. Right. Hard to get, but we can get it.

Yeah. Glug, glug. Glug, glug. Glug, glug. Glug, glug, baby. Let's go to the stage. Jordan, Jesse, go! Hello, how are you?

It's us, Javois. Boy, sorry, quick programming note. There's actually a little bit of an error in the way I was kind of plugging the show tonight. I just kind of want to clear things up. I was saying online that we were going to be performing with Stephen Stills. When in actuality, we will be performing near some stills. There's a still over there. Hey, folks listening at home, we're doing this at a brewery, and there's a still by us.

It has up lights. Anyway, fun visual humor. That's just what you do on a podcast. Yeah, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. It's a hot one. It is. It is toasty in here. I'm wearing this neckerchief.

I just want to... And it's a certain kind of heat. It's kind of a sexy heat. Wouldn't you say? Yeah, sort of a key to the night type situation. Yeah. I just... My hope for this show is that it will turn into, you know those raves from the third and fourth Matrix movies? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Cornel West.

It'll be like that, but people have to stop periodically to use their inhalers. Did you see that there's a giant fucking dog in the show? Let's give it up for the dog. What's up with this giant fucking dog? All right, let's spook it. Have we addressed, like, when I see, so a new dog moved into my neighborhood, and maybe I should be calling this in to Can I Pet Your Dog or Can I Pet Your Dog's, like, helpline.

But a new dog moved into my neighborhood, and it is a scruffy dog, which I think a lot of Jordan, Jess, and Go listeners probably know how I feel about that. Strongly positive. And it is a spotted scruffy dog, which is extremely rare. If you guys were scruff spotters like me, you would know that spotting a spotty scruff is a very big deal. How hard does it make you? On a scale of one to diamond. I would say roughly 65% tumescent.

65% tumescent. Ooh. And so when I'm driving down my street sometimes, I see the woman who owns the dog walking the dog. And then I, like, I don't know what it is. Like, maybe I need more children or something to, like, tamp this down. Or maybe the third child pumped it up. But, like, I literally, I rolled down the window of my car and went, Hey, cool dog!

That is a line from a video they show kids to teach them not to talk to strangers. You are living that. If you could just go up to someone and go, excuse me, where is the library? They could just show that to ESL students. It's terrible. Anyway, that's how I feel. I am electrified right now

by the presence of this giant dog in the show. Because usually comedy shows don't even have one dog, much less a giant dog. Hey, Jesse, we got a surprise for you. It's not just the dog. Release the bats. That's the bat song. It's You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon.

A good soundtrack for anything. Yeah. Anyway, we're really stoked to be here at Angel City Brewing Company. What a beautiful place. They actually, like, they're big Jordan Jesse Go fans and asked us to come here and perform, which we're really excited about. So thanks to them. However, as great of a time as we've had here tonight... We're about to say

fuck you, because we're actually starting our own brewery. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, so we're just going to use this time to plug some products we have coming up that are in direct competition with Angel Cities. We didn't address

what we're calling it, but a Jordan Jesse beer seems natural, right? Yeah, yeah. It'll trade on our immense celebrity. It'll be even more popular than Hanson's M'Hops. Which exists! Which exists! That is real! So yeah, so we kind of have a line

We've been working with some master brewers Working with some master baiters Some master baiters, yes I'm like, who's going to say that? Me or you? Or you, the audience Just feel free to scream out master baiters When you feel like it

Basically what happened there is We said master brewers And you blew the call and response portion of the evening um yeah so we have we have not we've been looking for a space we have not found a space yet um we've been looking for some jugs we don't have the jugs yet but because we've been working with these master brewers We have worked up a few beers You did make sure to grow the beard Of a home brewing enthusiast though

I did, yes And I do like telling people about things You got that kickball team too, right? Yeah I Ooh, hit a nerve Sorry, audience You got that kickball team too, right? Yeah. I... Ooh, hit a nerve. Sorry, audience. I didn't hear it, but I could feel the, hey!

I kick it seriously. Yeah. Maybe bouncies, please. Some kickball lingo. Kickball pitch. So yeah, we're brewing these beers, and we just have a couple of products we want to pitch to you. We designed a menu, and we're kind of in. We figured this is a great way to kind of soft launch our idea.

Yeah, because you probably got some, like, beer fans in the audience. So, you know, here's some products. And, you know, these are beer drinkers' beers. The first one is the Seaside Porter. You know, these are beer drinkers' beers. The first one is the Seaside Porter. It's a smooth brew, notes of conifer, and a weedy finish. Made with real, unfiltered ocean water.

Briny. Warning, more than one bottle could lead to sailor's madness. So that's a concern that we're still sort of working on with it. But nice, nice with a barbecue. As a father myself, I'm really excited about a beer we have coming up called Daddy's Num Nums. This hoppy brew is light and refreshing. It's perfect for summer cookouts or any time Daddy just needs five fucking minutes to himself. And seriously, stay out of the garage. I am almost done restoring that vet.

And also, the garage is where I jack off. Can you say Daddy's num-nums again and really sell it? Daddy's num-nums. Eh, B minus. Oh, here we go. This is for any Europhiles out there. Footies hard cider. Footies hard cider.

Are you a 30-something American who stays up late to watch English Premier League soccer? We know you call it football. And we know you studied abroad in London, but you say that you lived there. Anyway, we made a lorry full of apple juice that'll get you fucked up while you watch satellite TV at 6 a.m., you limey dope. Footies, hard cider. Maintenance ale is one that I put a lot of work into. It's a real easy-drinking favorite. Designed for high-functioning alcoholics,

it's served in an inconspicuous water bottle, so you can hide your habit anywhere. Quaff a Maintenance Ale in the line at the DMV or at your kid's kindergarten graduation. And maintenance ale isn't just for daytime. Try it between haymakers at your late-night fight club or anywhere you've got nothing left to lose. Oh, here we go.

This is for the real beer drinkers. It's obstinate jackass IPA. It tastes like fucking mud. What, you want a Bud Light, you pathetic coward? Get out of my sight. You make me sick. Obstinate jackass IPA. That's for like serious

beer fans. For like serious beer fans. Who don't drink that corporate swell. It should be challenging. Drinks should be bad. All drinks should taste bad. Bitter. It's the taste of poison.

Okay. Finally, this is the last one we're going to pitch to you guys. I'm really proud of this one. It's called Barley and Me. One sip of barley and me, and you'll remember that everything you love will die. Like it? Try Old Yeller Top Ale. And, of course, Bambi's Mom Porter.

That's it. Those are our beers. Yes. Should we bring our beloved guest up on the stage? We've got a very special guest tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him as the co-host of the smash hit podcast, The Flophouse. And as the head writer of a show called Mystery Science Theater 3000, please welcome to the stage, Elliot Kalin. What a joy to have you here, Mr. Kalen.

Thank you. Oh, boy. We're having some mic issues? Hello? Hello. Try this mic over here. Hi, this is me, Elliot. I love to eat my own farts.

Elliot, I can't believe you said that. I can talk about my own fart eating. Thank you very much. And now I have two waters. Oh, shit. Well, well. That was the most low-rent version of every movie where the bad guy wants to be captured. My mic doesn't work.

I guess I'll just take the water that was in front of it and go to this mic, which also has a water in front of it. I've saved 69 cents on Kirkland Signature water. Spare no expense here in Angel City Brewery. We got the Kirkland Signatures. That's from their signature line. If it bears the signature, you know you can trust it. Sure. Just like you can tires and muffins and everything else that bears the Kirkland name. Personal lubricant.

Yeah. I'd buy that. Sure. How's the water, Elliot? It's got that signature Kirkland taste. I like how we're spending this time just plugging other drinks. We're in a drink store. It is basically not just a drink store, a monument to drink.

Yes. Like a vast edifice dedicated specifically to drinks. Elliot, this is your first public appearance as an Angeleno. Yeah, that's true. And I think just moved here from New York City, and we want to know, are there any differences between the two places?

Funny, you should ask. Yeah. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da. Okay, so that was my walking over to the brick wall music? Yes, exactly. Okay.

Well, get this. So I've been in Los Angeles. I've been a Los Angeles resident for nearly five days now. Ooh. And you've noticed that apartments in Los Angeles have a lot less furniture. And a lot more little bugs that look kind of like sperm, and when you touch them, they die, and they just fall off the walls. Is that a Los Angeles thing, or is that just my house? You might have

poison fingers. You might be some poison fingered villain. Are you a reverse E.T.? I'm renting a house from David Lynch. It's called Lynch Estates. There's a lot of radiator sounds.

There's just a clown on the ceiling and then he catches fire. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, the price is right. Here's what I've noticed about Los Angeles. You guys, I don't think you have a Lincoln Center. Is this something you're working on? We're giving it a shot, yeah. Okay, like where do your old people

go to see opera when they have too much money? Here's the thing. We had a Lincoln Center and now it is nine poke stores. Local jokes get you local work. The great Blake Capac taught me that. The most amazing thing,

there was, for those listening to this at home, there were comedians before the show. Will they be on the, will people at home get to hear them? It's hard to say. I don't know. I don't make the rules. But it was very funny to see.

I had a similar experience to when I went to the Montreal Comedy Festival and saw the Canadian Locals show where it was like, I know the structures of these jokes, but I don't get the references. But it was like seeing jokes about Los Angeles and being like, wait a minute, in New York, we tell

that joke about a thing that's similar but a little different. Yeah. You just swap out pizza with Regina and then boom, you can kill in Canada. Elliot, I feel like your child is still in preschool right now. Knowing the structure

of the joke but not the references, that becomes your life around elementary school. Like, it's just a dad's superpower. To kind of recognize the shape of what's going on around you, but ignore the content.

Unless it's about the Packers. Am I right, guys? I love the Green Bay Packers. Go green! Sorry, you're Angelinos. How about those Los Angeles Rams that we all love and care about? I did something recently that I think is kind of one of those only in L.A. things. And I want to get your read on it, Elliot. I've noticed, so as maybe listeners know,

I worked for years on the television show At Midnight. Well, you should have watched it. You should have fucking watched it if you love it so much. Don't woo the show. No, thank you. It's nice of you to say. I watched that show, and it was my favorite vampire police show. You're lucky you're a good guesser, Elliot.

Yes. Thank you for the people who clapped for the show. That's very nice. I'm not actually mad at you. But after this job went away, I'm like, oh, no, I have no interests. I'm a husk. I'm a husk that only talked about his job at things, so I need to fucking do some things

so I will have something to say if another person wants to talk to me. And then, as I was thinking this to myself, I saw a Facebook ad for cat yoga. You know, these are targeted ads, Jordan. I don't think so. They don't just spray those out there willy-nilly. So, yeah, then I saw one of these Facebook ads that everybody gets for fleshlights, right?

Yeah, Overwatch-themed fleshlights. I just want to fuck that gorilla. I would go to news sites and I'd see ads for comic books and I'd be like, this is great, comic books are really getting out into the mainstream. It took a long time for me to realize. There's a lot of ads on here for Elliot Chow. That's the perfect kind of food for me, Elliot. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

And Elliot's like me, who I assume are the main viewers of, I don't know, Hawks.com. That's the site where they explain things to you. Yes, it is, yeah. Oh, it really hits the spot. For a man like me. I mean, Elliot Chow is essentially just fried chicken and Oreos. If they put that in a box called Elliot Chow, I'd go to Costco, which I can do now because I don't live in a tiny apartment. Yeah.

I don't have to carry my groceries anymore. You can stock up. Mm-hmm. So I... So what did you do? So I said yes to life. I said yes to cat yoga. And it's in a nice shelter, the NKLA shelter down here.

Do you have to bring your own cat? No, they provide the cats. Okay. And they also provide a mat and a string toy. What other rhyming things do they provide? Cat, mat. A man named Matt. Okay.

He's great. Oh, yeah, I said Matt and Matt. It's a four rhyme, but okay. I love rhyming things. It me, I'm Matt. Yeah. For any of you playing Jordan, Jesse, go Catchphrase bingo Take a drink now

You should have been drinking this whole time, by the way Yeah, we don't think of new things Jordan, Jesse, go A list of things you remember Please, someone set me up for British actor doing an American accent Because then everybody's going to get fucked up. Cat yoga. So it's cat yoga.

So you provide you with a mat, and they provide you with a string toy next to the mat. And so you go in, and you do yoga, and they fill the room with cats. Like to the ceiling? Yes. Many people suffocate. I will say there's 15 people doing yoga and there are eight cats. So not quite one cat per person, but a lot of little fuzzies. So this is a lot of fun.

Is there a lot of like real, when there's fights over the cats, like a lot of real passive aggressive namaste's? Yeah. They're like, oh, I see you. Namaste. You rubbed your lululemons in tuna. I know it. So you're doing yoga near the cats.

I got there a little late, and so the instructor says, like, hey, don't take the yoga part too seriously. If you need to stop at any time and play with the cats, that's okay. And Jordan was like, no, fuck this. I'm a serious yoga fella. I'll never transcend. Deez nuts.

So I was a little late, and they put me right next to the litter box. So all of the deep breathing associated with yoga, all the deep inhales, exhales, hot breaths, hot, sticky breaths were just filled with cat shit. And one of the cats, they pulled these kind of paper shades so that people who were there just to look at animals couldn't scope out our buns. And one of the cats just immediately ran over and started destroying the paper shades. So it sounds like nobody there really knew how this was going to work out. No, I think this was the first time they did it.

It's probably the second time they did it. The first time they had a lot of problems with people taking the yoga too seriously. People are taking this yoga too seriously. It's that. The cats are feeling neglected and we know cats love attention from humans all the time

they can't take care of themselves and the last thing maybe about halfway through the class the I can see you know that look on someone's face where you can tell they've thought of something you know when we thought of master brew master master bake?

It's kind of a twinkle. It's a twinkle or holding in a fart. I saw this look on the instructor's face and she was like no, for this next pose I want you to all get in

long pause. I want you to all get in. Long pause. I want you to all get in. Downward facing cat. And the laugh that came from those 15 people would have drowned out an airplane taking off. I wanted to fucking quit comedy because the Niagara Falls of laughter that came from this woman 30 minutes into yoga changing downward dog to downward cat just made me feel like I would never achieve anything. But the cats are very cute.

There was a brother and sister named Bart and Lisa. Brother and sister, cats or people? People. Humans. Can I say something that I was just sort of thinking about as I looked over at Elliot's beautiful face and my friend Jordan's beautiful face and sort of imagined my own beautiful face?

You guys know the Pep Boys logo, right? Are we just the Pep Boys of pasty dorks right now? Listen, I do have some beaded seat covers I could sell you. I want to be that one pet boy with the mustache who looks like he's clearly the older one who has to take care of the younger ones and does not care for their shenanigans. Oh, and I want to be the pet boy who fucks.

You know the one. I wonder, is there a pet boy's backstory, do you think? Oh, yeah, I think there's probably a narrative attached to that. I mean, I feel like all marketing is about stories now, right? Oh, Don Draper over here. All right, okay. Yeah, I mean, memories, Kodak slides, drinking.

Sure. Cheating on your wife with that one pep boy that fucks. So do you don't think they were based on three actual, like, the Pepinski boys got together and started an auto parts company.

Yeah, no, I think a couple, I think their name got changed to Pep at Ellis Island. Oh, sure, yeah. Right? They're like, Pepinski, too peppy. I'll just change it to straight Pep. That's just peppy enough. Yeah, I feel like they must have, like, there's no doubt that it happened in, like, 1915 that they came to America, right? Sure, of course.

Because they came because they heard there were no cats in America and the streets are paved with children. Sure, yeah, yeah. The story of an American tale is loosely the story of the Pepinski brothers who would go on to be the Pep Boys. But they're like, this isn't quite kid-friendly enough. Let's change him to mice. It originally was called In American Tailpipe. That deserved more.

Come on. No, no, no, no, no. Get out the American Tailpipe. Can I just say, if you don't like that, do not check out the Flophouse. The difference,

the difference with the Flophouse is that I am making that same joke while interrupting two people who probably have something to say you'd want to hear. Whereas here, I feel like we were just kind of saying whatever. Anyway, An American Tale. Let me just say one thing about An American Tale. Not an American Tailpipe

coming soon to a theater near you. The slogan will be, it's not the emoji movie, so give it a try. I like that. That could be the slogan of all movies from here on out. Except Emoji Movie 2.

That's true, yeah. Momoji. So, An American Tale. Do you think it'll be Emoji Movie number and then the poo emoji? Oh, maybe. Excuse me, assholes.

I got a movie to write. Two stories now about my three-and-a-half-year-old son. One, we walked by. This is what we do in New York. We walk into subway stations. There are big ads for movies on there. And they usually put 30 ads for the same movie on the walls in case you missed one. Because New Yorkers, I don't know, we're all trying to escape from bat gremlins, and

we don't see what the ads are. And there was the emoji ad with the poo on it, and he goes, that guy's made of chocolate. And I was like, you're right, he is. Let's move along, shall we? Do not lick this man. This morning in the car, my daughter said to me that she was at arts camp, and they were watching some videos. And she goes, and that's when something very inappropriate happened.

And I was like, what's that? She's like, well, we were watching some movies, we were watching some videos of emoji movie, and I was like, yeah. And she's like, and a poo came in. Oh, boy. Children don't know what

emojis are. And they don't understand what is right about poos or wrong. You've taken an anti-poo stance in the house, though. You say, take it outside.

That's why we live in L.A., so we can have a house with a yard. But the other thing I was going to say is about an American tale. Yes. We showed it to my son recently,

and it was like, I think we were a little, my wife and I were a little too invested in his having some kind of connection with it. Is that a favorite movie of yours and your wife's?

I don't know if I'd say favorite, but it certainly, in the form of Mice, tells the story of our ancestors. It's clearly about Jews who flee pogroms and go to America. So it's like, we're like, Sammy,

so we're going to show you an American tale. When he was over, he was like, alright, Mice, whatever. And it's like, oh, that's right. He hasn't had the years of indoctrination that comes with being a Jewish person who hears the story over and over again about how their family came to Marka. And really, I had to put it on my to-do list. Explain Judaism.

Crush child. It was like, move to L.A., unpack boxes, check with movers, are they here yet? And then under that is, like, make sure he knows about Ellis Island. Oh, I just assumed that it was like that Holocaust museum. That's for when he, no, I mean, if that's for

let me be real for a second. That's for when he starts going to Sunday school and Hebrew school in the four year lead up to his bar mitzvah. Of course, his bar mitzvah he will then make the decision most of us make, which is, I'm never coming back to this place again. I did my time. I got my

degree, or whatever. And that's when he'll... There's a Jew degree? I mean, it's called the Torah. It's a big, long scroll. And then, that's when he'll get the indoctrination of four years of like, something very bad happened. It happened before you were born.

You should feel guilty you didn't have to suffer through it. You know what's a great Don Bluth movie to do that? Pebble and the Penguin? I was going to say Rockadoodle. We've got two separate Don Bluth films. Yeah. And then he'll play Dragon Quest. More Don Bluth, please.

No. Oh, no, it was Dragon Slayer. Dragon Slayer. Well, take away my nerd license. Space Ace? Space, yeah, Space Ace was that other game. Should I sing the song from Land Before Time that I know? It goes, hey, hey, hey, today's the day.

My dad's coming home from far away Fuck you Do us Right Right Do us What land before Revise it once

You know what I mean One second draft of your song I think Hey hey hey Today's the day My dad's coming home from far away I think everything Bruno Mars does is good Speaking of music Speaking of music It's coming home from far away. I think everything Bruno Mars does is good.

Speaking of music, we have a musical guest here for you, ladies and gentlemen. You know him not only as an acclaimed hip-hop superstar, or at the very least an acclaimed hip-hop semi-star, you also know him as one of the hosts of Maximum Fun.org's own Tights and Fights. Ladies and gentlemen, open mic ego. Remember that

you're the center of the matrix. Get on your hands. One, two, one, two. I'm in the room, 30 miles south of Malibu Pacing around trying to make something powerful, yeah I sit awake, baked on the shower stool The cookie face can't disurgically get his crown removed Get up and go to the job

My only worry is the frequency my vocals is on And my lady gets her hair cut to the local salon It doesn't have to hide from isis and boca joram dang feel a strange kinship to every band every hand tremble my memories need a steady cam my mom's way closer videos are kelly had barely had time to think the world moved very fast life is a mystery school i'm on an airplane learning social delivery cues. And fool, I can drink a whole infinity pool and make compassion bar speeches on a rickety stool.

Yeah. And I make shit that sounds grand boule de passe with the same hand that slams this computer desk. And every day I'm bumping Cinnamon Girl trying to promote these rap shows When it's the end of the world Used to be one of the rotten ones And I liked you for that

Used to be one of the rotten ones And I liked you for that Used to be one of the rotten ones And I liked you for that Now you're broke, gone, got your makeup on And you're not coming back I seen a lot of shit disappear and reappear 36 on earth, but measure me in Venus, yes

I'm so right-brained, I can't grow an even beard i wonder if i balance it out but things seem as weird they say it is above as it is below my skin is so hot but my heartbeat is 10 below in the cold barracks they're dreaming about a centerfold to answer only questions it's easy just to pretend to know it's hard picking freaking mortar creatures My thoughts have to fit in Phones and through computer speakers What's pretty gazed about my LA weekly feature I showed it to my dad, my barber Or my piano teacher

I'm trying to get discovered like an actor Cookie face came to can't remember where receptors at Eyes are mad low, grin wide Just like a Cheshire cat Got four dimensional skin my chin is a tesseract it's been a hard day today because I've been paying a lot of attention

to the internet and things are not going as well other places as they are in this room. It's normal now, they say. It's normal, it's normal, it's normal now, they say. It's normal now, they said it's normal, it's normal, it's normal now, they said it's normal, it's normal now, they said it's normal, it's normal, it's normal now. Everybody get involved, it's holiday in the wasteland. Quit tripping up, it's holiday in the wasteland When the king is a garbage person I might want to lay down and die

I'm the down-on-my-barkers person Keep a personal crown of pie I'm the king of my lonely island Home is hot, it can't reach my house I put out all the garbage flyers Squeeze the cider right in my mouth Everything inside it is very dangerous and you just have to die.

Everything that's been dead and buried ain't supposed to come back alive. Now we all in a zombie movie. Only weapon is common sense. Zombie sheriffs and strata lynchers get to call up my congressman. Pick a day for a celebration. Make a circle on Halloween. Party under your

pile of garbage cans. Y'all can just follow me. When the king is a garbage person, I might want to lay down and die. Holler down on the rock. It's urgent. Keep a personal crown of power. One day without violence. Can we get one day without fear?

Can we get one day? They don't try. It's just like one day the whole year. Can the people get one day without violence? Can we get one day without fear? Can we get one day? They don't try. It's just like one day the whole year. Everybody get involved. We'll be right back. Wasteland They said it's normal It's normal now They said it's normal It's normal now

They said it's normal It's normal now They said it's normal It's normal now I was protesting I lost my sign Standing up cause they crossed my line Candle folks and they called my vibe If it wasn't for y'all they would've lost my mind

Long season I need this night Fuel's low so we reignite Powers out so we read by light No cops around I can't read my rights Cops are loud no plectro now Synthesizers all retro sound First directives protect your town To the garbage king with no respect your crown

Generated we back online No bullshit we don't have no time Storm the castle that flag don't fly no time, storm the castle, that flag don't fly, say fuck the king till that asshole die, fuck the king, no command, no chief, just a man with crown, but yeah, you had no sleep, dead a man that put hands on me, in the sovereign land that I stand on be, protesting, I lost my sign, standing up cause they crossed my line, gather folks and they caught my vibe, if it wasn't for y'all, they would've lost my mind, one day without violence, can we get one day without fear, can we get one day they don't try it's just like one day the whole

year can the people get one day without violence one day without fear can we get one day they don't try it's just like one day the whole everybody get involved it's holiday in the wasteland quit stripping y'all it's holiday in the wasteland. Quit stripping, y'all. Saturday in the wasteland. I remember people. I'd like to get to North. It's kind of like my brain is closed, but my heart is open. Maybe my heart is broken.

A comet slammed into the planet, Then it poured into the oceans. I even started smoking. But then I quit the smoking. I still dream of deep breathing. And my lips is open. I'm coming into focus. I used to practice trying to talk like I was Mr. Bogus. I bet a lot of lonely people think a kissing post is nothing.

That just goes on for a while like that Thank you. Kept drinking in Amsterdam cafe back room, meeting with cancer man. Engineering project, black astronaut. The first scene in a film, Prometheus. I wrote a brand new story that starts from there. I just need some help with the financing, so I sell T-shirts and shit online. Go look at them. They're great. My friends are superheroes. None of us have very much money, though.

They can fly, run fast, read Portuguese. None of us have very much money, though. They can fly, run fast, read Portuguese. None of us have very much money, though. They know judo and yoga, photography, politics. Some of them leap over buildings. Writers, magicians, comedians, astronauts. None of it mattered, but niggas was hungry. My friends are superheroes. None of us have very much money, though.

They wear the same underwear as billionaires. None of us have very much money though They wear the same underwear as billionaires None of us have very much money though Drug dealers taking things through with their sculptors Ego-monogical authors and bloggers Some of them talk to the animals None of it mattered when niggas was hungry That shit's not valuable Come save it to my face

That shit's disposable Come save it to my face That shit's disposable Come save it to my face It's not authentic though Come save it to my face I was hoping this device might cure Might remember when I'm 87 Perks that sure I invented High adrenaline, I'm rapping on the cake, boss.

Name on a dressing room so I ain't lost, nah. Commencing countdown, take off another soundstage. Rehearsing a big spacewalk. Lil Wayne is an ancient African. Jay-Z's been around since the 20s, though. The only new ones is Lil B and One Below. We only got a hundred months to go until your hometown's covered under tons of snow it goes one two three four five little indigans when it's all over i survive on a penny of chips cinnamon flavored memory sticks and i'll flash take a picture cause i

that shit's not valuable come say it to my face that shit's disposable come say it to my face it's not authentic though come say it to my face that's so ingenuine come say it to my face my friends are superheroes none of us have very much money though they can fly from class report Thank you guys. Bye. Open mic, Eagle, everybody. What the fuck? He is on tour. He is coming to a town near you. Go see him, unless you're a chump.

Brand new record in stores right now, right, Mike? 15th of September. Brand new video on the internet. Check it out. This week's Jordan, Jesse, go, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, but you don't want to mess with them. No, you want five stars for your little pooch or cat pooch. Only the best for your little... Or your little... Or that little... Through Rover, pet parents can discover, book, and manage personalized care for their dogs, including pet sitting, dog walking, in-home dog boarding, and doggy daycare.

That's a lot of really great stuff. And I'll tell you that as a pet owner myself, and you may have had this experience. I'm a dog owner. You're a cat owner. It can be tough to find the right person to do that. Oh, absolutely. I mean, you have to conform to their schedules. You got to...

Listen, it's a whole thing. The person you're inviting to your house, you don't know if they've been awarded five stars. Yeah. Every dog owner in lifestyle, this gives you access to reviewed, trusted pet sitters. You know, we're actually going out for a couple of live things here coming up. We got the London Podcast Festival. Sure. We got MaxFunCon.

Guess what I was doing the other day, Jesse? What's that? I was preparing for my pet's care by browsing some of the pet care specialists on Rover.com. Really fun, really easy website to use. You see a picture of the person, what kind of pets they like. It's a really, really cool site, and I am looking forward to using it for my next trip. Did you see that picture of my dad, and underneath it just said, Gerbils? Gerbils only. Anyway, for $25 off your first booking at Rover, go to rover.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO when you check out.

Rover.com, JJGO, and use the promo code JJGO for $25 off your first booking. Let me ask you one related question, Jordan. Please. Does hair grow right out of your face? Man, it sure does, Jesse. Boy, howdy. Does it ever. If only there was something we could do about that. Hey, I've got a website that I think we can visit. Really? On the internet? The Dollar Shave Club. It's the smarter choice. You get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. And these razors.

Yes. Are they low or high quality? These are very high quality. And for a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor and a tube of Dr. Carver's shave butter for only $5 free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. A lot of people don't know that George Washington Carver did all kinds of things with peanuts, including inventing shave butter.

Yeah. I actually, I was a Dollar Shave Club customer before they started advertising with us. I love this product, Jesse. These are great razors. It's a great shave butter. They've got all kinds of cool products on there. They've got one-wipe Charlies for your...

For your tookus? For your tookus. For your little butthole? Love these wipes, Jesse. Jordan, can I ask you a question? Yes. Do you use the executive model? Oh, of course.

Or are you going to bump it up? No, man. Executive all the way, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Just like how you love to sit in that giant leather chair. Exactly. Smoke my cigar.

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash JJGO. Let's go back to this stage. Glug, glug. Glug, glug. Glug, glug. So, now that we've been shaking our asses... Yeah. No one shook. Not one ass shook. I was counting asses the entire time.

You couldn't see because the lights were in your eyes. People were going to teach. Yeah, every ass was shaking. I have. These people, this place was insane. It was like the rain from the Matrix. Windows and walls, buddy. I guess I'll have to take your word for it.

You set this shit off like Queen Latifah. I won't trust my lying eyes then. Just a bunch of bullshit. Mike, can I ask you something real quick before we get into the quiz game? Can I say something real quick before we get... I'm sorry for ruining the Pep Boys image from earlier. But now, we're the Ghostbusters. Yeah.

Even better. Way better. You're Egon, right? Yes. Okay. Very much Egon. He's got glasses. Mike, I wanted to ask you, we were chatting before the show. The last time I saw you, you were doing a bit for a Comedy Central special I was working on

where they interviewed you on a Segway. Yeah. And you told me that you really liked writing it. I looked up the price to own one immediately. And it will be a while before... You're not quite making Segway money yet. No, not close. Not even close.

That's why we've got to buy that album. Come on, people, let's give Mike a Segway. I mean, that's not a bad GoFundMe. I think it's one of the worst GoFundMes. It might be the worst. It'd be tough to sell it on Kickstarter, but I feel like you could sell that on GoFundMe. Half of the GoFundMes. It might be the one. It'd be tough to sell it on Kickstarter, but I feel like you could sell that on GoFundMes. Half of the GoFundMes are just like, I want three more hats.

What would the pledge gifts be on a Kickstarter for buying someone a Segway? I don't... I sell music for a living, which means giving away half of shit anyway. So it's hard for me to think of bonus free shit. Here's a pitch. You do the next tour on the Segway. You come out on stage on the Segway, right? And we call it the Blart Tour.

Okay, I like that. I feel like that would increase the insurance premiums for the shows, but I like the idea. I like where you're I like that. I feel like that would increase the insurance premiums for the shows, but I like the idea. I like where you're going with that. Thank you, thank you. Hey, speaking of quiz games... Well, I have a question for Mike.

Mike, are you a movie fan at all? I like movies. There's some I don't. Does that still make me a fan? No, you have to like every movie. All of them? Okay. You have to be like Peter Travers from Rolling Stone.

Yeah. A trial. According to commercials. I've never actually read his writing. Just the pull quotes from every commercial. Elliot not only hosts the great movie podcast, The Flophouse, but he also... Well, it's a great bad movie podcast. It's a great podcast about bad movies.

Thanks. Thank you. Accurate. Yes, accurate. Wonderful. You know so fucking much about movies. I think that's something that I'm just blown away by every time I listen to the show is how much shit you know about movies. listen to the show is how much shit you know about movies.

We wanted to pit you in an unfair quiz about movies. Are we bringing up audience on this? Is there room on the stage? How about this? How about you guys are playing for an audience member? Does anybody want to be

played for? Here's what I got. For the audience member that wins, I have a super hot two, no, one drink ticket. I saw your plans for after the show flash through your eyes. One drink ticket. Daddy's got to have his num-nums.

Listen, Daddy's got to have his num-nums. It's been a long week. I have one drink ticket for a fine Angel City Brewery beer if anybody wants to volunteer to be played for. I feel like this young woman in the sweatshirt in the front row. Yeah, Elliot, do you want to pick your person? She's looking like, could I?

Should I? Could I ever? It'll be my first beer I've ever drank. Gee willikers. Okay, madam, you in the front row, yell out your name. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, ma'am, you.

Is that a sports jersey? Is that a halter top? Christ, what are you wearing? You in the clothing in the front. Definitely you. Yes, you wearing the clothes. The orange cyborg in the front, please. That's funny if you could see what she was wearing.

She's in the front row, so you can't see. It's a joke that doesn't translate to the listeners at home or the listeners in the audience. But it really made you guys laugh, so it's worth it. That was the moment when the band laughs on a talk show and the audience doesn't laugh. We're certainly talking to you. What is your name?

Mandy. Elliot is playing for Mandy. Okay. Congratulations, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking, anyway. Mandy, where are you from? Where do you live? In the brewery. Upstairs. In a barrel. I curl

up in a barrel. In Koreatown. I used to live in Koreatown. It's a great place. Beautiful country I live in Koreatown. In Koreatown. Well, I used to live in Koreatown, you know. It's a great place. Beautiful country. I love Koreatown. The vistas. The town was so nice.

They made a whole country out of it. What if this town, and then they chopped that country in two. Oh, boy. Anyways. The stories we could tell you. It's called history. Does anybody want to be Mike's partner on this one? Who's going to...

I heard a gasp. I don't know if that was excitement or terror. Maven, in the black tank top there in the front row, what's your name? Catherine. Catherine, are you willing to be on Open Mike Eagle's team here? Okay, where do you live?

That's really far. That's team here? Yeah. Okay. Yes. Where do you live? Salt Lake City. That's really far. Vetch, right here in the brewery? So I'm new to Los Angeles. There's a neighborhood called Salt Lake City. Yeah, it's called Little Mormonton.

You cannot get a soda there to save your fucking life. And whenever you leave it, you have nine kids. You didn't come here for this from Salt Lake City, I hope. No, my little brother is in the Navy in a boat. So you have nothing left to live for? I have mothers to make the parties. We came to the party and my husband. There's all these people. This is long.

Okay. So you're visiting L.A. You're on vacation. You're visiting L.A. And now I know that you two have defected from your religion. Oh, my gosh. I feel like this is the start of a beautiful documentary. Yeah, can I do...

I hate... I frankly hate to ask a follow-up. Because it's hot in here and people have places to be. But it's not our fault that you defected from your religion, is it? No, okay. Thank God. I don't want to stand in between anyone

and their God. Praise be to Zinu. Zinu got a round of applause. Ma'am, as a former Mormon, there's a lot of great beverages at this brewery for you. You'll be playing or Open Mike Eagle will be playing on your behalf,

and you could win one drink ticket. Is it one of mine? Yeah. Okay. Since Elliot is the host of a bad movie podcast, we thought we'd put together a movie-themed game for all of you. This is Action Movie,

Sea-Doo Model, or Some Shit We Made Up. We will be telling you three things. One is an action movie. One is a model of a Sea-Doo personal watercraft. Or other motor sports

mode of conveyance. Some of them are ATVs or snowmobiles. Or some shit we made up. Mike, since you won the coin toss that never happened, you'll be going first. Which of these is an action movie? Which is his model of Sea-Doo? And which is some shit we made up?

Lightning Shaft. Space Rage. Renegade Adrenaline. Holy shit. One is an action movie, one is a model of Sea-Doo, and one is some shit we made up. God damn. You can talk us through this.

You can ask a Mormon. That's a lapsed Mormon. Catherine, do you have any Sea-Doo experience? Oh, good. I lucked the fuck out. Take them out on that great salt lake and see what they can do. You got any strong instincts

or real-life experience I can lean on? She doesn't have a microphone, Mike. It won't play to the listeners at home. Then why am I asking her things? I don't know. Why was I asking? Why did I fucking do a feature interview with her earlier? I feel like

I feel like renegade adrenaline has got to be made up. Because it's too pretty. It's real? That's a real movie or a real vehicle? Vehicle? Renegade adrenaline. Okay, maybe.

Rage is definitely not a vehicle because you can't sell rage, I don't think. I don't think rage is sellable. because you can't sell rage, I don't think. I don't think rage is sellable. Lightning Shaft is also not a vehicle, because it's too obviously a penis reference, right? Like, they can't sell that either. Yeah.

Right. It could be a movie, though. I mean, there's a movie called Shaft. That's true. That's true. That is basically about his penis. It's shit. Really just the song is about his penis. It's shit. Really just the song is about his penis.

The movie is about it. I'm going to go with C being the vehicle. Okay. I'm going to go with... Fuck. B being the movie and A being some shit you're made of. That is exactly right. That is exactly right. That's one point for Joseph Smith.

It is kooky golden tablets. That one logic class I took in college really paid off. According to IMDB, in Space Rage, an ex-Los Angeles police officer named Richard Farnsworth, played by Richard Farnsworth, tracks an escaped prisoner, played by Michael Paré, on a 22nd century prison planet.

Shit, that sounds good. It does sound good. So they're saying that L.A. exists in the 22nd century? That's optimistic, I think. I don't think that's going to happen, not with these clowns in Congress. All right, all right, all right.

Hey, guys, get out of the clown car and do some legislating. No, it's better that they haven't been able to do much legislating. Yeah, Elliot's right. Stay in that clown car and do some legislating. No, it's better that they haven't been able to do much legislating. Yeah, Elliot's right. Stay in that clown car. Elliot, this one's for you. I like how, also,

the, uh, I like the, that was a really tough question and the whole time I was thinking, I'm glad they hyped me up as the guy who knows everything about movies.

Elliot, your things are five o'clock somewhere, Chill Factor, Osprey Hurricane Rescue, one of these is an action movie, one of these is a model of personal conveyance, and one is some shit we made up.

Well, Chill Factor was the movie that, what, skied Ulrich in Cuba Goody Jr.? Yes, okay. Came to play. One of them is an ice cream man, and they've got some kind of bomber that can't go unless it's... Like, it will go off if it doesn't stay cold enough. You tell us!

Guy who's seen Chill Factor? I got a lucky break there. I'm gonna say I think Osprey Hurricane Rescue is a vehicle of some kind. And that 5 o'clock somewhere is not a vehicle? That is absolutely right.

I will say 5 o'clock somewhere is a drink at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, and it is good. In Chill Factor, a new biological chemical weapon that explodes at temperatures over 50 degrees Fahrenheit falls into the hands of two men who try to make sure that it doesn't get stolen by a terrorist. Starring Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr. terrorist. Starring Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr. Who are qualified, who are the perfect people to star in a 90s

action movie in the sense that one of them's white and one of them's black, I guess? That's so funny. I feel like in a couple years, the phrase starring Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr. will be a nonsense sentence. Okay. Mike, this one's for you.

Rolling Vengeance. Rogue Wave. Revolt XL. Redline Revolt XL. Oh, boy. Catherine, you got any? Torn between it on what? Okay.

Well, her brother eloped. Mormonism is a faith. Supposing that Jesus visited Native Americans. We'll talk later. Don't worry. All this mockery will be worth it when you get that one free beer. That's right.

One, one, one, one. Or don't get it. Shit. Fuck. Okay. Rogue Wave is a movie. I was just told to me. So I'm going to repeat that because I have no

better thing to think based on these choices. Red Lion Revolt XL. That sounds like some shit they made up to me. Red Lion Revolt XL. Let's do that. Let's do Red Lion Revolt XL some shit you made up. Rogue Wave

is a movie and Rolling Vengeance is a vehicle. No, Mike. I'm sorry. Rolling Vengeance is a movie and Rolling Vengeance is a vehicle. No, Mike, I'm sorry. Rolling Vengeance is a movie. Rogue Wave is some shit we made up. By the way, we wrote it down on a piece of paper

and mailed it to ourselves. No one else can make a movie called that. I feel like with that and Antonio Sabato Jr., we can get financing. Just the title. Straight to the sci-fi network. And the Redline Revolt XL is a Sea-Doo model.

It's actually an ATV. In Rolling Vengeance, a truck driver builds a special eight-ton truck to help get revenge against the rednecks who killed his family and assaulted his girlfriend. Elliot, this one's for you. You can take the lead or increase your lead. I have not been keeping track of points. Elliot, you can take the lead here. Laser dreams.

Oh, that's lovely. Deep star six. Phaser X. This is a hard one. It got harder this round. Laser Dreams. Deepstar Six. Phaser X. Dreams is spelled with a Z.

Sure is, baby. So it probably is like a restaurant where the women don't wear very much shirts. Only the one shirt? Madam! This is a hard one. I wish I could bust out the stars of whatever movie is, but I'm going to have to think about it.

Both Laser Dreams and Phaser X sound so made up, but by the rules of the game, one of them must be a real thing. That's also how I was thinking. It's entirely possible we fucked it up, though. It's like my brain is refusing to admit that one of those two things exists in real life and is a thing. Okay, I'm just going to say Deep Star Six, I'm going to say is the movie. Laser Dreams, I'm going to say is the movie. Laser Dreams, I'm going to say is a nothing.

And Phaser X is some kind of... I'm going to guess it's something that rides on lava. That is basically right, except for the lava thing. You are right, Elliot. It is a snowmobile. The Yamaha Phaser X snowmobile. Of course, the plot of Deep Star Six is at the bottom of the ocean. The Deep Star Six has just discovered a new

and deadly alien menace. Like the Abyss, but better. So Deep Star Six is like a seal team stick? I think so. But what does that do with star? I haven't seen it. I just have that sentence in front of me. I apologize. I'm basically

my own parents when they're watching a movie with me that we've never seen before. And they ask me to explain something I've never seen. Jesse, do we want to

make this the last round? Yeah. Okay. Mike can tie it up here. Probably not. We're not keeping track. We're just trying to increase the drama.

If we make this the last round, we're going to have to press the button all the way through all of the other slides, though. Do you want to just make the next one? I mean, you could do like a lightning round. We could just tell them what they are.

Okay. So we had Predator X-18S Intimidator, Rotor, and Sexecutioner. Okay. You have to say it right off the top. You can't fuck around. Sex-ecutioner is not a vehicle, but I wish it was. Rotor. You just got to go with your gut on this.

We're spinning through here. Gut says Predator is the fucking vehicle. Rotor is the shit you made up in Sex-ecutioner is the movie. Oh, very good. No, no, no. Sorry, Mike. Predator is some shit you made up in Sex Executioner is the movie. No, no, no. Sorry, Mike. Predator is an ATV. So that's one point. Rotor is a real movie. It's so funny. It's such a

funny movie. Elliot's seen Rotor? Yes. There's a part in it. I can't tell you everything that's great about the movie. We don't have the time, but there is a janitor at a laboratory that is a robot. And it's basically Kevin, the robot from Save the Bell. And the robot is so absent-minded and dumb that you kind of think they wrote the part of an absent-minded janitor and that a robot showed up and auditioned for it and landed the part.

Rotor stands for Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. stands for Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. A prototype robot intended for crime combat escapes from the development lab and goes on a killing rampage. Is that the distractible robot? Doesn't matter. Elliot, here's for you. Extro.

Ski-Doo MXZ XRS Iron Dog 600 HO E-Tech Ripsaw. This fucking game is rigged. This is bullshit. And four.

The number four. The number four. Catherine, we were duped! We're going to need a speedy answer from you on this, Elliot. Okay, I'm going to go movie, see-do, a number. Just this thing. Fuck, man, you are four for four, baby. I feel like this is like a living illustration of the problem with every

standardized test that American children are given. It's like, yeah, this is an easy test. I happen to know all this information somehow. We've written this to your cultural experience. A man who was abducted by aliens returns to his family three years later in Extro, but his

presence affects them negatively. That's the actual log line from IMDb. There's two slogans on the poster, which is like a creepy alien with a child behind him making a crazy face. When Tony grows up, he's going to be just like Daddy. And some extraterrestrials

aren't friendly. Extra. Yeah. All right, Mike, this one's for you. We're going to need a quick answer from you. Brute force. Oh, sorry. Brute force.

Invasion USA. Shit. And Night Dump. I'm going to go A, Vehicle. Yes. B, Movie C, Some Shit You're Made Of. Fuck yes, Mike Eagle, everybody. Yes. B, movie. C, some shit you're made of. Fuck, yes. Mike Engel, everybody.

Back. Kathleen. Here's the thing about that. Brute Force, one word, must be a vehicle. Brute Force, two words, is a great movie, the Kurt Lancaster and Hume Cronin. About prisoners who riot because Hume Cronin's a bad warden. Anyway. Have you seen Invasion USA?

It's a Chuck Norris movie, right? Yeah, it is. Kalen! Mike, because of obscure rules that we don't care to cite on stage, this is the last question, and it's for all the marbles. It's going to you.

Shit. Okay. Steel. Superjet. And Blast Force X. Thunderbomb. Knight of the Torso Destroyer. Movie.

Vehicles. Some shit you've made up. Yes, our champion is Mike Neal! This was a game designed to make me feel good about myself, and damn it, it worked. Congratulations, Mike. Thank you. Steel, of course, is Neal. Do I also want a drink ticket? Because I need one. No, you don't get anything.

When something momentous... We can smoke a joint in my Prius later. I am not... Bonus! And three of you are invited. That's how many people will fit in my Prius. It's going to be tight. It's the compact Prius.

It's the compact. It's the Prius C. She parks easy, though. She parks easy. She parks great. It's a great parking car. Great fuel. Hey, so we do a segment every week called Momentous Occasions.

We have some audience members here who have written down Momentous Occasions. Elliot, if I can explain this to you. It's a lot like people are writing us letters. Yeah. It's a little bit like people are writing us little letters. Good old-fashioned letters. Like people write in and write letters to us. So anyway, if you have a momentous occasion,

a kind of a letter that you wrote to us. It's a sort of letter. I mean, I'm holding them and they remind me of letters. So yeah, so we're just going to ask some people to come up and talk about these momentous occasions. There's a mic. Yes. Oh, hold on. Sorry. Do you have something to say before we start this letters segment?

Does anyone not listen to the flop? I'm just confused. There's a lot of letters in this world. From A to Z. That's pretty much all of them, but right in there. There's 26 great ones, and I'll tell you two of the greatest. There's L and A. I can see why this is noise to them.

They stand for a number of things Like Last Assassin Like Lady Argo It's like Argo the movie But they're ladies this time Ben Affleck's character is now a lady John Goodman's character You guessed it, Joan Goodman

But let's talk about L.A. It's called Los Angeles. It's a city in the U.S.A. Three more letters. What is there letters can't do? Nothing. Even math. You can do it with letters.

Art. Do it with letters. Singing. Letters. Work for that, too. And now we Singing letters work for that too. And now we'll have some letters from you. It's letter time in Los Angeles, or as I call it... L.A.

Elliot Kalin, ladies and gentlemen.ie and Caleb with the letter song. Beautiful tune. You know, it's a thing that happens sometimes. That's on the Flophouse. If you don't listen to it, check out some episodes and trust us that that was very funny. If you like that song and you like it so much you want to hear it three to four times longer,

try the Flophouse on the Maximum Fun Network. For some reason, this is an old-style momentous occasion card that doesn't have the name on it, but your momentous occasion is about jury duty. Come up. Come up. Come up. Come up. Come up.

Here's your microphone right here. No, no, no. Right in front of the stage. That one's going into my box. That one's going into her box. Well, can we move this? Daniel, can you move this microphone? Okay.

What's your name, ma'am? Mandy, again. Oh, it's Mandy from the quiz. You're wearing kind of a half jersey that says 69. Nice. And there's Hensai on the front Nice. Oh shit, I get it. Hell yeah. Because the six is like an upside down nine.

We'll explain it to you when you're older, Jesse. Mandy, what's your momentous occasion? And then something very inappropriate happened. So I recently, I've been spending the past week in jury duty and got picked for a trial. Mandy, this isn't the fucking moths. Talk to us.

Okay. So I got picked for a trial and the trial was a case that happened at an address that was 420 East Los Amigos Avenue. Yeah.

Jordan, I didn't know you were on trial. What can I say? I'm an arsonist. Mandy, what was the trial? What was the case? You're allowed to tell us now, right? Yeah. It finished up.

It was a dispute between the spouses and the women. One was harshing, the other one's mellow. That's why you've got to put 420 Friendly in that personals ad. One hit the other with a fly swatter. No! Domestic violence isn't funny. And it was very hard to keep a straight face because domestic violence isn't funny but it was with the fly swatter at 420 east los amigos avenue and it's very difficult to like a regular fly swatter or like i have one that has like a nine volt battery

in it and then when it hits the fly the it goes crack crack! And you're like, holy shit. See, we spent two days arguing over which fly swatter was the fly swatter used, because apparently the police did a very poor investigation. It did not determine which weapon was used, and this was a house that had three fly swatters in it. Oh, it's like a locked drawer mystery. That's when Miss Marple came in. Hey, how about a hand for Mandy, everybody? Mandy Land.

I love the idea of a police lineup of fly swatters. Who was the man that swatted you? So our next person is Nefi? Nefi? Nefi? Oh, that's the name of a... It's an ancient Mormon name. Yeah.

I only have three people at this show tonight. Are there any new Mormon names? So this is actually sort of straddles the line between a momentous occasion and something we've been doing a lot on the show, for your benefit, Elliot and Mike, violating nondisclosure agreements. It's not technically an NDA. They just said it would be a really bad idea if I told anybody. Well, tell us then.

I did some contract work for the Colombian Army. This is going to get real, guys. I don't know if I can be here for this. I helped them break some FARC codes. What? But the FARC doesn't exist anymore, so I'm good, right? Wait, did you say FARC doesn't exist anymore, so you're good? Yeah.

Did they sign the peace agreement? Right, right? Wait, did you say FARC doesn't exist anymore so you're good? Yeah. Did they sign the peace agreement? Right, right? No, I don't think they did. I think that fell apart. Ignore everything I said. You're an anti-revolutionary. They've got nothing on me. Don't worry. There's a billion Nephites.

Yeah, I'm the only non-polygamist Nephi, so I'm good. That's good. Well, Nephi, thank you so much for violating your NDA. Yes. And what is a FARC code? What is that? FARC is the socialist revolutionary group that's been tearing Colombia and Twain, along with the government, lo these past 20 or 30 or 40 years. Oh, 40 or 50 years.

Yeah. They have codes? Well, I presume so. Up, up, down, down. We all played Contra. It's pretty much the same thing. It's probably just 5555. They scramble their codes with MP3s, actually.

Oh, really? Anything good? That's true. It's mostly Rage Against the Machine. Sure. Yeah. Love their old stuff. Makes sense.

Brittany. Brittany Jones. Brittany Jones. Come on up. Come on up, Brittany. Brittany. Brittany Jones. Brittany Jones. Come on up, Brittany Jones. Come on up, Brittany. There's your microphone right there.

Thanks, guys. Hi, Brittany. Of course. What religion have you left behind? None. Wait, does that make me mysterious? Am I correct in thinking that no one has yet harshed your mellow this evening? Brittany, you do not need to come to the Prius later.

You have been out to a Prius of your own, I see. I do. I have a C in white. Mine's in blue. Oh, all right. We'll crash them sometime. Brittany, tell us, what is your momentous occasion? It was the day before my

boyfriend's birthday. We were drinking all day at Bacon Fest in downtown LA. I ordered us more alcohol and Channing Tatum delivered it on Facebook Live. And I was wearing my pajama dress which was an Erica Jane

t-shirt and he gave me the alcohol and millions of people saw me hammered. I have... I have nine questions. First of all, if you have any concerns I just want to allay them. Nine people will hear you blazed right now.

So it's not going to be... This is... Quickly. This is... I'm around a lot of white people. Yeah. Sure. You're what they call an underground rapper.

Right. This is by far the whitest thing I've ever heard. I ordered an alcohol and an app. It beats the apple who defeated the Fark by far and it got so white

that in the middle of it I stopped understanding anything that happened this is my momentous occasion right now this is it for me

thank you Brittany Jones everybody Brittany Jones give her a hand Nephi came up here Nephi came up here five minutes ago

and literally just narrated to us the Iran-Contra scandal. Okay, Brittany. Hillary and Russ. Hillary and Russ. It's a couples moment this occasion. Yeah, Hillary or Russ. This is a couples-friendly environment.

We encourage people coming with significant others. Maybe they're not a couple. I could have just assumed. Maybe you're brother and sister. You've assumed a lot. If you've read The Moment of Occasion, that would be a really bad thing. I have read it, so I'm probably reading some things onto it. But go ahead.

So we got married a few months ago. Congratulations. And during the course of a relationship We have opened it up a bit And so Okay Let the record state Russ is back Hillary is standing immediately

Behind Russ right now As Russ said We've opened things up a bit. Hillary gave the universal sign for... Hillary, is this the first time you're hearing of this? Yes. We have a lot to talk about.

This is how she finds out. Wait, so Hillary, tell us what your couple's momentous occasion is. Our momentous occasion is that we made a date with a lady. Oh. Was it a romantic date? It is a romantic date.

It's going to be later this month. Congratulations. Where are you guys going? Oh, our house. Oh. Yeah. Is that on the corner of Pound Town and Bucksburg? Yeah, bud.

For sure. It's like five stars on Yelp, yeah. Oh, right. Also, let the record state that Hillary just locked Jordan the fuck in with her eyes. Like, yeah, Pound Town. That was

amazing. That's the best date I've heard about since not long ago I interviewed Katie Couric for my show The Turnaround. And she's big in the three ways, right? Yeah. Is she available? She actually said, I asked her to come to our studio. She asked me to go to Pound Town.

Oh. No, I interviewed Katie Couric, and she said, I mentioned that I had interviewed Larry King and she said oh I went on a date with him once and a whole new genre of internet porn was born King on Couric K2K was this

is this kind of date a kind of date that you had ever Gone on In the past as a couple Yes and with her as well Oh and with this lady as well She had had a boyfriend for a while And we were cool with that

We were like that's cool have your great time And she broke up with him And now we were sort of Waiting till the right moment Before we were sort of waiting till the right moment before we were sort of being like, oh, so sorry about your breakup. Would you like to come over? So, I mean,

seems like you guys kind of blew it. Yeah, for sure. If you want to, you know, romance this lady, you bring her to a live podcast. Yeah, we really... Have you been in a hornier room? Never.

There is sweat dripping off the walls, and it's not just because everyone was shaking their ass earlier. We really goofed it, yeah. Hillary and Russ, everybody. Hillary, more interesting sex lives than you. Adam, you. Adam, you. Adam Yu. Adam Yu. Hey, Adam, how are you?

Sorry, I did not mean to do that. I should have written Ultraberg. It's my fault. So what's your momentous occasion, Adam? I got hit by a car, but not that much. Okay. Let's set our terms here. I was trying to get from the corner

of Pound Town to Fuck Street. Sure, sure, yeah. It's a popular intersection. Very busy with traffic. I looked left. I was clear. I looked right. I was clear. I started going, and someone just kind of kept driving at me, and by the time I realized, oh, this guy hasn't used his turn signal,

I was on the ground a little bit. Oh, wow. But you're alive. How about a round of applause for this guy being alive? One time when I was like nine, I was crossing the street and like one of those like 80s LeBaron coupes,

you know, like wood sides. You know what I'm talking about. Like Veronica Mars drove. As I was crossing the street in the crosswalk, it like pulled up, didn't really, slowed but did not stop where it was supposed to stop and kind of hit me but only sort of gently hit me on the leg. And I looked over and it was a fucking lady I knew from church and we never

spoke of it again. That's how I lost my virginity. Hey, how about a hand for Adam? He got hit by a fucking car. Adam has a, there's a rest of Adam's story. Oh, sure. Oh yeah. Adam has a rest of his story. Really good EMT. Very good patter on this guy. His name was Adam. And as I was going back to my house, someone asked for my card so she could have the personal attorney contact me. Within ten minutes, he calls in. His name's also Adam. Wow.

So it was a triple Adam situation. Congratulations, Adam. The holy Adam Trinity. Thank you. You knew you were in good hands. Curtis. Curtis, come on up oh my god i'm reading sorry i'm reading ahead on this one i hope it's true this is amazing curtis if you're fucking with us curtis is not fucking with us i know i have looked at curtis curtis is absolutely

not fucking with us. 100% real. Curtis. The Mormons, like, when they stood up, I was like, yep, tracks. The threesome people, when they came, I was like, yeah, uh. And when Curtis came up here, I was like, oh, yeah, baby. I still have the blood in my fingernails. Okay, so. Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's when the commercial break would start.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Call me. That's my favorite part. This is the super high backup singing. Curtis, what's your momentous occasion, sir? So my friend invited me to a blood rave. And I was like, what? Ah, boss!

Boss! I've heard of dance raves. Tell me about what a blood rave is. Have you ever seen the movie Blade? Yes. I asked what a blood rave was. George is so hard right now. Yeah, go on.

And she sent me the opening scene from Blade. Yes. I was like, okay, yes. Okay, so what happens in the opening scene from Blade, Jordan? So, picture this. It's the mid-90s. A song comes on, let's say Prodigy. And a fucking dope rave starts.

And then the sprinklers come on. But it's not water, it's blood. Holy shit, that rave was full of vampires. They dance it's not water. It's blood. Holy shit. That rave was full of vampires. They dance. Here comes Blade. Kills everybody. World's best movie happens.

So this is a real thing? Yeah. So you're at this rave. It was actually at someone's house rather than a warehouse oh is it some guy's house okay less mystique go ahead instead of a warehouse bring that mic up curtis instead of a warehouse with sprinklers there is a wrestling pit in the middle with sprinklers on top of it okay and when i got there the wrestling pit was already full of blood, and I was already wasted, and I immediately got in it. But what was it actually full of?

You're like, hey, you went with your friend Frank in this scenario, just so you know. Yeah. Hey, Frank, let's pregame this blood rave. Yes. Let's get a little wasted at Buffalo Wild Wings and then let's get hepatitis. When Mike earlier tonight said that

he had reached the peak level of whiteness of his career, he did not know what Jordan Jesse Go fans had in store for him in the balance of the evening's entertainments. That was bad foreshadowing, what I was doing earlier. How does one

get a sprinkler in the middle of a room? How does that work? It was very custom made. Is it like... I feel like the only way for this blood rave story to be whiter would be if the sprinkler looked exactly like the fountain from Friends.

We're having ourselves a blood rave. And then Call Me Al was playing. Yes, exactly. I think this proves that my suggestion for Jordan Jesse Goh's new slogan is the correct one. Jordan Jesse Goh,

it just gets whiter. How about a hand for a man who's... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, you're wasted. Yeah. I need to finish this up here. Sure. Oh, I guess we didn't know...

If I finish this up, I mean a cheap orgasm. So, you're... Don't worry, you might see that dog on the way home. You went right into the pool of blood. Yes. What kind of blood was it? Are we talking about like, what's that called? Karo syrup?

What's the corn syrup? I think it was mostly just water and food dye. Uh-huh. I think it was mostly just water and food dye. Uh-huh. There did end up being real blood in it because the fences were very sharp, and I had a bunch of infected cuts on my hand for the rest of the week. Yeah. And it had a thickening agent.

Why do you have so many cuts on your hands? The fence around the wrestling rink was rusty. Oh, okay, okay, gotcha. Wait, you cut your hand on a rusty wrestling rink on the way in? It was a cage match. There was a... You know what, hold on. Fight in a cage match?

This started out as some white people shit, and now it's some juggalo shit. You are a juggalo. I fucking knew it. I don't know. We might get him on Tyson Fights, though. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to, yeah. You have a guest spot on Mike's podcast coming up.

Okay, so you were coming from a cage match. Yes. You had cut your hands on the rusty cage. Yes. You had not gotten a tetanus shot. No, of course not. You had instead chosen to attend a blood rave you went

you got hammered did you get hammered before the cage match or in between the cage match or during the cage match I was trying to feel some Steve Austin and fighting a beer and shotgunning it and so you were

you were I also did my friend told me Okay. And so you were, you were, you were... Oh, Jesus. I also did... My friend told me after that I ripped a man's underwear off. So you went into the, you went into the pool of what? I feel like we're in one of those shows where the framing device is a character being interrogated by the police. And you're like, hold on a second, hold on a second. Then what happens? And then it goes back to earlier that day

or something like that. So you went into the pool of blood, but it seems like a pool of blood is a horrible place to be when you're hammered. No, it was excellent. I had a lot of fun. Okay, fine. Curtis, ladies and gentlemen.

Curtis. Open my eagle eagle Elliot Kalin let's hear it for Daniel Radford and Riley Silverman this has been the Max Fun Beer Blast thank you so much thank you for coming this is the best

thanks to the glory good night This is the best. Thanks to the Rory. Good night. That's our Jordan Jesse Go live show, but stay tuned for some stand-up comedy from two of our favorite comics and two favorite guests on Jordan Jesse Go. Yeah, Riley Silverman, Danielle Radford, two of the most hilarious stand-ups that we know. These are some real solid sets.

A lot of fun was had at that Angel City Brewery. Yeah, tons of fun. Thanks for listening. That's all. Glug, glug. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. All right, let's kick it off right now. You know her from Tights and Fights.

You give it up for Danielle Radford! Oh my god, hi! Hi, you guys! Welcome to the live Jordan Dressy Go! What is up? Hi! Oh man, this is fantastic. It's hot as shit.

Thank all of you for coming out tonight, getting that beer, eating them tacos. Wow, this is great. Yeah, so a lot of, some of you, three of you know me from my wrestling podcast, Tights and Fights, on the MaxFun Network. Hi. That's cool. Feel free to two-sweet me after the show. I'll be around for all of your two-sweets. And you're not so sweet.

It's fine. I'm also, some of you might recognize me from Screen Junkies if you are super nerds, which is great. The fantastic thing about working at Screen Junkies is that being a nerd online for a living means that I'm also fat online for a living means that I'm also, like, fat online for a living.

Which is a thing that nerds feel the need to tell me all the time. I think they think I don't know, you guys. They're like, oh, my God, did no one tell her? It's like, you're fat and you're online. Why are you so fat online? Like, it's not even the thing that I'm fat. It's, it's so much as why are you doing that in public? And why, why are you fat where I can see you? Like, they imagine they just have like one of those boards that like serial killers or detectives

have, where it's just like a red string that goes from like YouTube and then like my butt. That goes from like YouTube and then like my butt. And I was like, she's fat, but she's online. And then just a big why across it. And so I try to like tell people, it's like I know how fat I am. Because like this morning, I rolled over in bed so fast that I sat myself in the face with my own titty and just had to walk around all day with just a titty print right here.

So trust me, like I'm well super, super duper aware of how fat I am. I'm also going through a breakup. Oh man, I didn't even have to tell y'all to awe. Y'all are self-ah-ners. Look at you. Yeah, I. I didn't even have to tell y'all to aww. Y'all are self-awwers. Look at you.

Yeah, I'm going through a breakup. It's fine. We broke up because it was the mature thing to do. But we did go to go see Wonder Woman together. It's like buds. And I'm telling you, if a dude dumps you and you go and go see Wonder Woman together. It's like buds. And I'm telling you, if a dude dumps you and you're going to go see a movie

like four days later, make it fucking Wonder Woman. Make it a movie that's just a chick beating the fuck out of dudes for like 93 minutes. And at one point he fell asleep and I was like,

uh-uh, wake the fuck up. This is a documentary. You're missing all the good parts with the men and the beating of them. I'm from Seattle, Washington, which I love. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Seattle. Seattle is great. I do like living in LA though. Um, because LA is like the only place that you can go where you can see all of your favorite comedians that you recognize from car commercials read their own tweets on stage. And so that's pretty great. That's pretty fantastic. visit and my mom was like she's very excited she was like I want to go to Hollywood I want to go to Hollywood and I was like no you don't you want to go to the Hollywood that's on TV and the Hollywood that's on TV is in Canada the Hollywood that's here is like located at the end of a series of bad decisions but I took her to Canada uh because she's my mom, I didn't want to get my ass beat. And doesn't matter, 30, 35, I'm still not too old to get your ass beat by your mama. So I took

her to Hollywood, and we saw all of the people dressed up like the characters. And she was like, oh, is that Spidey Man? I want to take a picture with Spidey Man. Is that Optimal Prime? I want to take a picture with Optimal Prime. Is that Cookie Elmo? Take me a picture with Cookie Elmo. And then I got to be the mom and be like, oh, you got Cookie Elmo money. And then I got to be the mom and be like, oh, you got Cookie Elmo money. Because I don't care what you say.

Cookie Elmo ain't your friend. Cookie Elmo will tickle me stab you. She's the best. She's really paranoid. I don't know if any of y'all have had one of those paranoid superstitious moms. Very superstitious. So she's always like, don't put your purse on the floorall have had one of those paranoid superstitious moms very superstitious so she's always like, don't put your purse on the floor don't put your purse on the floor because if you put your purse on the floor

you're not going to have any money and it's like, no, I'm pretty sure the fact that you let me major in theater is why I don't have any money blame that shit on floor demons it's like, yeah, no, fuck it, it's fine go to an art conservatory that's why I'm poor. So I did go to an art conservatory. They did not make me take math. And that's why my credit

score is so bad. It's not even made of numbers. It's just some dude who hits you in the face for asking. Don't be nosy. That's not your business. I was recently in Portland. I love Portland as well. Portland's a great town. It's fantastic. Anybody here from Portland? No.

Cool. Because I'm about to talk all the shit about your city. So, I was in Portland and I went to get brunch with a bunch of my white friends because that's what you do when you're in Portland. And,

and at the end of my meal, I go to pay and I hand the server my credit card. And she's like, no, we don't take cards. We only take cash, checks, and the honor system. So I start laughing. And she's like, why are you laughing? And I was like, the honor system, that's a great joke. You're like the funniest server ever. And she's like, no, we take the honor system. So if you can't afford to pay for your meal today, come back in the next time you're in town and you can pay me then. To which I replied, get

your shit together, Portland. Like I said, I'm from Seattle. Seattle is just like Portland. The only difference is, is that we know that people are pieces of shit and not to be trusted. The honor system is a system like the rhythm method is a method. And also, P.S., B.T. Dubs, tell your Portland friends, let them know, spread it around. If you're still taking personal checks in 2017, that is the honor system. That's it. That's it right there. You need nothing else. So my birthday is coming up

in three weeks. Yeah. Fuck y'all. I'm turning an age. Pick one. And for the first time, I'm starting to look my age like black don't crack. But if you soak this shit in whiskey long enough, it will prune. And I have the same exact birthday as Beyonce. Yeah, like exact same, like day, month, and year. So that's nice. When it's your birthday and you constantly get reminded of what someone else has done with the exact same amount of time that you've had. Oh, cool. Oh, twins. Tight. Oh, man, you know she loves Jay-Z.

Here's how I know she loves Jay-Z. Jay-Z, have y'all heard of a little movie called Space Jam? Jay-Z wrote a rap song for Space Jam. That song, Ya Buggin'? Jay-Z wrote that shit. He wrote it. And then Bugs Bunny rapped it. And then Jay-Z paid his rent.

And when Jay-Z cheated on her and her sister beat the fuck out of him in an elevator, she didn't name her album This Nigga Bugs Bunny Think He Gets to Cheat on Me. She named her album Lemonade. And that is how I know she loves that man. God, it must be so awesome to be Beyonce.

Ah, it's amazing. You just do maternity shoots as soon as they just pop out. Come out looking like the Virgin Mary. Everybody gets all excited when you take your weave out. Ah, it sounds amazing. No one would care if I took my weave out right now. Except the people who had to clean it up. That's it.

No one else would care. Except for that part where she has to pretend like Jay-Z's attractive. I think that's fine. We can all, it's okay. I'm glad y'all didn't ooh, because sometimes people are like, ooh, and it's like, what is he here? Like, you don't care. You got jokes. That's my Jay-Z impersonation, he don't care. You got jokes. That's

my Jay-Z impersonation. He don't care. He doesn't care even a little bit. So I'm going to do this one last joke and then I'm going to let y'all go so I can bring up our next performer. So I've talked about, I'm a nerd. That is a true ass story. You know who else was a nerd? Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Oh yeah yeah. Oh, yeah. Huge fucking nerd. There's a great story about him where he is at a party hanging out and all of the sudden, Nichelle Nichols,

who played the original Lieutenant Uhura on Star Trek is there because that is just what fucking amazing black ass parties in the 60s look like. Just Dr. Martin Luther King and fucking Uhura just kicking it over an old fashioned or whatever, Bud Light, I don't know. Was it a barbecue? I don't know.

So they're having a conversation. He's telling her how much he loves Star Trek, and she's like, thank you so much. I'm actually about to quit Star Trek so I can start on my solo album because I want to be a musician. And Dr. Martin Luther King turns to Nichelle Nichols and goes, okay, I'm going to do the impersonation. I don't do voices. Don't tell my mama. So Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. turns to Nichelle Nichols and goes, oh, no. no because he apparently is a scary ghost

and he's like you can't quit Star Trek because we need black people in space but so she doesn't she doesn't quit Star Trek because Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. told her not to and so obviously obviously like the fucking death of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. told her not to. And so obviously, obviously, like the fucking death of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is a huge

tragedy for a lot of reasons. But one reason that none of us ever thought of was like, how many black ass careers could he have saved at dope ass black parties? Wesley. Wesley. You gotta get an accountant. Puffy. You gotta pick a name. And also, mace, never gonna be a thing.

Okay, thank you guys so much. I've been Danielle Radford, and I am... Thank you all. Thank you. You guys, keep it going for Danielle. Give it up for her. Why not? I mean, she's right there. It's awkward if you don't, to be honest with you. What I just learned from Danielle's set

is that Becky with the good hair was Bugs Bunny when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny. Mystery solved. I also, I like Danielle's act because I've been friends with Danielle for a long time, and she told me that thing about her mom and the purse. And I have not put my purse on the floor since then. And that was like a year and a half ago since she first told me that. And I'm like, no floor demons. I'm watching out for this. It's not going to happen. I'm actually, I'm excited to be here. Are you guys having a good time so far? It seems like fun. I, uh, like Danielle, I'm actually recently going through a breakup myself too, which sucks. It's my first like lesbian breakup where like I have been a woman the whole time and I dated women

the whole time, but this was the first woman who knew that completely like she understood all the steps involved right and so like I was like oh my god this is the first person who sees me as who I am and like knows who I am as a person and. She broke up with me in the worst way. She broke up with me the same night she let me pick her up at the airport. Yeah. And drive her all the way across Los Angeles from LAX to Hollywood, cross Los Angeles from LAX to Hollywood, drop her off. I hugged her goodnight, goodbye, and then I went home, and then she called me and told me she couldn't see me anymore. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm worth. I'm a free lift, you guys. That's what turns out. But she gave me a gift in doing that, because y'all, I am now officially off the hook from picking anybody else

up at the airport ever again in my life. I had a friend today ask for a ride from the airport. I'm like, no, it's a trigger for me. Sorry. You can't have it. It's not going to work. So I'm back on the market, which is fun. I'm trying to date again, which, you know, the apps are crazy. I use dating apps because I have really good gaydar, but the people that I know are gay don't know it themselves yet. So it's, which I've been proven right many, many times with it. Like I'll ask a girl out. It's like, oh, you know what? I'm actually not into girls. And then like a year later, she's dating a girl. Um, but I have, I had a girl I hit on about a year and a half ago. I hit on a girl and she told me she was straight. And to be fair, it's on me. I totally assumed she was gay because she had like a really short haircut. And

that is not fair to anybody on either side of that equation. And she told me that and she was right. But then about a year, about six months ago, she posted a picture online of her with her short haircut and she had dyed it all completely rainbow that's on you a little bit you have to admit like you might not be gay yourself but you are at least doing gay cosplay give me something yeah it was funny because for a while people were accusing me of being biphobic because i was like trying to figure out who to date. If I was biphobic at any point, I have cured it with lots of immersive therapy. Just throw all your bi women at me. I will get over all my fears. But what I am, I am phobic of one group and that is a group that's on OkCupid right now. And their, their sexuality is listed

as heteroflexible. No, you are not allowed to date me. I'm sorry. If that's, if that's your sexual body, you can't date me. If you haven't had at least one really awkward conversation with your father, that is not gatekeeping. I'm saying you need to have had that one. Cause when you start dating me, you're going to have to have a whole second one. So you better be ready for it because he is going to have questions and you better be ready to answer them. Cause I think I, the heteroflexibleible girl one of the girls who hit on me who i went out with once and she's like well i'm just kind of slowly coming out and she's like i kind of thought you would be like a good like bridge into queerness it's a real thing that a person said to me a human being with dignity and feelings.

She's like, I just thought, like, she lived as a man and now you're living as a woman, so I thought you'd be, like, a good person to date for the first time. I'm going to go ahead and let y'all know right now, I am not entry-level queer dating. If anything, I am expert-level queer dating. Like, there are parts that I have that I don't know how they work. You don't need to be, like... Like, sex with me right now is like an escape room, alright? Like, you can leave at any time, it's a metaphor.

I'm just saying. I'm a Max Funster, I believe in enthusiastic and sense but I'm saying there are a lot of things that look like one thing but act like other things and you have to figure it out it's like a teamwork puzzle we'll do together alright like is this a light bulb or a doorknob I don't know but whatever's gonna happen I'm gonna scream so we'll figure it out let's just

it's like if you kiss me here I'll shake a little bit if you kiss me here I will start crying so just let's figure some stuff out let's just some stuff out. Let's just slow it down. Like, I am the gay dating equivalent of, like, the eighth level of Mario Brothers, all right? You cannot just run across the sky, jump through a pipe, and fight Koopa. You've got to learn how the math works first, all right?

You've got to learn how the fireballs happen, just all the things. That's that part. So the weird thing, when she dumped me, because three days before she dumped me, I was in the hospitals, in the ER, because I had this pain in my leg. It's like right here, and I don't know what it is, and I've thrown two copays at it, and no one's told me what it is. So this is just how I live from now on. I just, my leg hurts. Welcome to Obama. Welcome to the future of healthcare in America. Yeah, I went to, because I went to the ER because I thought it was a blood clot. And the

reason why I thought it was a blood clot was because I went to urgent care and they told me, you have to go to the ER. It's definitely a blood clot. And it turned out it wasn't a blood clot. And then apparently I just lost the ER lottery when that happened. Because when I was like, so it's not a blood clot? And they go, okay, no, it's not. So good night. And I was like, wait, you're not going to like do any more tests? Like, nope, you're good. I thought that was the whole point of being here was you were going to tell me what's wrong with my leg. No. Okay. Like, no, just put some ice on it or something. You'll figure it out later. Don't worry about it. Like that was the,

go talk to your doctor. I'm like, you are like right now you're my doctor. Like, I don't know what mission we have to figure out together, but let's just have this. So then, yeah, they were like, they were like, okay, uh, bye. So that was, that was my night and my, my girlfriend, well, I called her my girlfriend at the time and she called me for three hours to tell me why I shouldn't use that term yet. Uh, that was, that was the big reason why we broke up was like, we've been together for a few months and I was ready to like commit a little bit more than she was. And like, she called me at one point and she was like, well, I'm not really ready to be in a relationship yet. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought the whole point of me being a lady and you being a lady and us dating was that we never had to have that conversation because that is not what every pop culture bit of lesbian lovemaking tells me

like like when i understand you and i meet we get a u-haul truck and one of our friends dies in a pool or we meet we fall in love one of us is by one of us dies so you can marry a straight man that's the only other thing that i know don't act like it doesn't happen you all watch television don't tell me that i made that up so anyways that'll happen yeah because like when i was telling her i'm like well we've been together for a few months and i really want to call you my girlfriend and have you call me your girlfriend and she was like oh i didn't realize that labels were that important to you. I was like, sweetie, I paid a judge $430 to legally declare me a woman. So, yeah, labels mean a little bit to me.

I'm a little bit into labels, just as a thing. So, yeah, the thing with the leg was so, like, I was in the ER. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die of a blood clot or whatever. And so like I was, she was out of town. I was calling her, telling her what was going on. And then like, she didn't respond to my, like she responded at first when I was there. And then when I texted her to tell her that I was okay, she texted me back 45 minutes later and it just said, oh, hey, good. I'm glad you're okay. That was her response to the girl she was dating not being dead yet. I didn't, and I still picked her up at the airport, so maybe it's on me a little bit.

All I know is, like, I had a near-death experience, I thought, and for me, that made me go, oh, I really want to, like, be close to this person that I care about. I had, her point of view of that was, I do not want to go to this particular funeral, so I'm just gonna let her go. I do not want to go to this particular funeral. So I'm just going to let her go. It's fine. Which is her loss. The one thing that's happened to me in the last year, which is amazing,

is that I've been on hormones now for about two and a half years. And in the last calendar year or so, I have discovered that I have a new superpower, which is that I now can have a female orgasm. Yeah. That's the sound I make. It's amazing. I've been doing this joke about it, and people come to me after shows, and it's usually a straight couple, and they're sheepish about it, and they'll be like, hey, so you have female orgasms now, and you used to have male orgasms. Can you tell us who has better orgasms? So I'm now literally a character from Greek mythology which is great

but it's definitely women I have bad news fellas that's the sound I make, I told you here's how much better an orgasm is now as a lady I'm not 100% sure I ever had one before like now every cell in my body is like a somersault and a flip before i would sneeze from my crotch and call it a night like that was an orgasm okay have fun fellas um

the basic biology of it like really quickly is essentially the the nerve endings that are because babies are the same in the womb for a while until the right chromosomes come in, or in my case, the wrong chromosomes, and you get an Emmy or an Audi, you know? I got an Audi, big mistake. I'm trying to fix that. But essentially, the nerve cluster that is at the head of the penis is the same nerve cluster that's in the clitoris. So if you fire estrogen at that same spot for about a year and a half, good shit starts to happen. That's all I got. Right now I am rocking a clitoris on a pole. That's what I'm trying to explain to you. I have a G spot that literally anybody can find. Like the right poses is a confidence booster for you. That's all I'm telling you. The only way that I can explain it is it's basically like

the experience of if you've been wearing a skirt or a dress for like three to six months, and then you reach down one day out of the blue and realize that it has pockets. Thank you very much. I'm Ali Silverman. Thank you. Have a good night. Riley fucking Silverman. This week, Short and Jesse Goh recorded live on stage at the Angel City Brewery in Los Angeles, California. Our thanks to them. A lot of Big Macs funsters worked there. We went at their invitation.

We're very grateful to them for hosting us. Our thanks also to Jennifer Marmer, who produced the show. Daniel was there helping out. Our thanks to the sound staff there. Our thanks to Laura Swisher, who was there helping out. Everybody there was so wonderful. And our thanks, of course, to all of our guests. Yeah.

And hey, thanks for those drink tickets, huh? Glug, glug. Glug, glug. Glug, glug. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.