Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 495: Rat Lord with Jonathan Coulton

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

The guys take a break from talking about the splendor of our country's magnificent national parks to talk with professional entertainer Jonathan Coulton about the exclusivity of the restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland, Jordan's decision to finally ask Twitter to verify him, and the legitimacy of services like Adult Friend Finder.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we take you on a tour of America's national forests and parks. From Yellowstone all the way to Grand Tetons. From Yellowstone all the way to Yellowstone East. Yeah.

From sea to shining sea. On today's show, we're going to focus on the bird calls that you're likely to hear when camping in Yellowstone East. So you'll make the bird call and I'll guess? Yeah. Okay. That is the blue-spotted Yellowstone East bird. Wrong.

It's a bird. Fuck. What about this one? Oh, God. Oh, God. That's a bird. Yeah. Nailed it.

All right. Second time around. All right, all right. But Jordan, can I ask you something? Yeah, sure. I mean, we're slotted to do two and a half more hours of this, right? Yeah. Well, I wrote a lot of material for this week's show.

I've been practicing my bird calls. However, a friend of mine is visiting from out of town. He's an entertainer. So I thought that this week on the show, instead of doing bird calls the rest of the show, which would be great. Which we usually do. The call shows, the call-in shows are always our most popular. But instead of doing. Hello, this is a Robin, first time caller.

Wah! Long time listener. Yeah, sure. Long time listener. Yeah, sure. But since my friend is an entertainer and he is not a park enthusiast, maybe this week instead of doing the national parks and forests, so forests, of course, being the land of many uses, maybe we could just break from our regular format and instead have it be just three friends hanging out and chatting and then next week

we'll get back to different ways to use our nation's majesty. Well, you know how I feel about entertainers and entertaining. Right. I don't like them. Sure. I think it's frivolous. You prefer nature's grandeur. I prefer nature's grandeur. Just give me a vista to any video game. Right. Right. I hate video games. That's where the real adventureous. You prefer nature's grandeur. I prefer nature's grandeur. Just give me a vista to any video game.

Right. Right? I hate video games. That's where the real adventure is. You know what my video game is? Mm-hmm. A bird swimming through a creek. Sure.

You know? Sorry. Sorry, Pac-Man. I can't help you gobble the dots. I'm busy looking out over God's majesty. Yeah. I don't have Pac-Man fever as the song goes. Sure. I've got geyser fever. I just want to see a warbler shoot up out of that geyser. Yeah. Up into the air as God intended. But since he is a

friend of yours. Right. I'll make an exception, but with one request. What's that? Can we do this from the point of view and finally get out there in media the perspective of three straight white men? As long as they're approaching or in middle age. Okay. I feel like that elderly people especially have too much voice in this country. Oh, yeah. And I'm so sick of watching every TV show, every movie is about old people.

Sure. Well, they're trying to sell jitterbugs. So let's get some 35 to 45-ish year old people's voices out there, especially the straight white ones. Sure. And just hear, just for once, open up your ears and hear what we have to say. It's a lot more than just bird calls. Mm-hmm. We also have opinions on pop culture and the internet.

Household products. Mm-hmm. Toothpastes, for example. What your stool should look like. I prefer a gel. Sure. No matter what kind of stool we're talking about. I prefer a stacking stool to sit on. And I prefer a medium firm stool to come out of my butt.

I preferred both of mine coiled. Like a coiled stool. And coiled feces. Right. Our guest this week on Jordan Jesse Go, you know him, of course, as a talented singer and songwriter, an old friend of Jordan Jesse Go. You know him as the co-host on the Ask Me Another show

from an outfit called National Public Radio. You know him for his smash hit theme cruise. You know him for his mellifluous voice, the great Jonathan Colton. Hello. Hi, John. Hi, guys. Thanks very much for changing up the format.

Well, we knew you were in town this week. And while I started to, I had the idea, maybe we'll just do the regular show about national parks and forest. Thank you so much for changing up the format. A quiet, woodsy area. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But in this case, a city slicker has come to us. Mm-hmm. When in Rome, do as the Romans. So technically, you should be doing what we do. However, I've decided to flip it, reverse it this week. Jordan's on board. We're just going to chat.

And we're really putting you on the ball here. You're going to have to do the entertaining. Oh, well, that's fine. As you know, I'm a professional entertainer in the entertainment here. You're going to have to do the entertaining. Well, that's fine. As you know, I'm a professional entertainer in the entertainment business. Right. Yeah, sure. A lot of people don't like that. You're a regular Michael J. Fox.

Thank you very much. You're welcome. Like an early Michael J. Fox. Sure. Mid-period Spin City era. Spin City. I'll take Spin City. You're a mid-period Michael J. Fox or a current era Vivica A. Fox.

Wow. Wow. You still look good. Thank you. You still look gorgeous. You know, I have a confession to make, which is that I'm a little outside the 35 to 45 demographic. Oh, you're a millennial then. No, I'm 46.

Are you an X-annual? I'm an X-annual. I'm 46. Are you an X-ennial? I'm an X-ennial. Is that a thing? Is an X-ennial a thing? Jordan and I are old millennials or not quite generation Xers. Yeah, we remember a time without the internet. But we mostly had the internet. Yeah.

I remember mostly without the internet I guess is the difference. Well, that's because you got hit on the head by a coconut around 1994. I did. Boy, that was a hell of a party. Yeah. I'm still glad I went. Yeah, well, nothing beats a good cocoa party.

Yeah. And you wake up and you have a long beard and a GeoCities blog. How'd this happen? I don't even remember making all these posts. You're a regular Rip Van Google. But I love drinking this coconut water straight out of the vessel. Wait, that's not coconut water.

That's my own blood. Oh, well. Why is it translucent? Wait a minute. It's not hydrating me like it's supposed to. This isn't hydrating me like Rihanna said it would. Oh, it's my own blood. Got it.

John, something you were telling us off mic is that you're here visiting. You're here to do the Ask Me Another podcast live. That's correct. But you took a day and took the family to Disneyland. That's right. We went to Disneyland. Did you guys have a nice time? I had a great time. You know, I've never been to Disneyland. I've been to Disney World, which is the family to Disneyland. That's right. We went to Disneyland. Did you guys have a nice time? I had a great time.

You know, I've never been to Disneyland. I've been to Disney World, which is the one in Florida. And I will tell you, my daughter, who's 12, after spending about an hour in Disneyland, was like, this is different from Disney World.

And I talked to her a little bit about what she meant. Fewer gators. No, she meant it was less tacky. Oh. Even at 12, she knows that Disney World is a little more tacky than Disneyland. Anaheim, California, all class. All class, especially in the parks.

Yeah. Yeah, I think if I was looking for somewhere to take, say, the Duke of Windsor, my first thought is – If you had to choose. Yeah, these people that are sipping their tea with their pinky extended, I say that we should probably do that in New Orleans Square. That's right. Maybe you want to take them to the restaurant that's inside the Pirates of the Caribbean, right? Oh, you're talking about the Blue Lagoon? The Blue Lagoon.

Is that it? The Blue something. Is it the Blue Lagoon? The Blue Lagoon. Is that it? The Blue something. Is it the Blue Lagoon? I think you're right. Definitely, don't at us. That definitely was my favorite restaurant in Disneyland as a child.

The Blue Lagoon. The one that's inside the Pirates. It's kind of dark in there and then you're looking out over where they go past. It's a nice location. It's a very freaky thing to be in there

and feel like it's nighttime and you're in New Orleans. There are sounds of crickets and gators behind you. And celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme. That's right. Although I will say, I feel like if you're going to go there for lunch... And just the wind whispers, Zatarain!

Zatarain! Everything has Zatarain's products in it. It's very nice. Here's my one suggestion to that restaurant. Yeah. If you're going to open for lunch. Blue Bayou. Blue Bayou.

That's what it is. Blue Lagoon. Blue Danube. Is that movie that was maybe the first place you saw boobs as a kid. Yeah. For us Xennials. Yeah. Who didn't have the internet.

When you were visiting a friend's house and he had pay cable. There you go. Yes. Yeah, sure. We didn't have the internet. When you were visiting a friend's house and he had pay cable. There you go. Yes, yeah. Yes. I'm a lot older, so I saw boobs earlier than you guys. Got it. I've probably seen more boobs. Oh, man.

Stop razzing us, Colton. We know you've seen all the boobs. Not all of them. Just more. Tell us what they're like. We know about your touring lifestyle. You'll find out. You'll find out.

Here's what I want to say about this restaurant. When you open for, they might be giants. That's right. It's one of the sexiest audiences out there. This restaurant, we went- Oh, so you have a note for the Blue Bayou. I have a note for the Blue Bayou and any other restaurant that starts with blue. If you are going to be open for lunch, have a goddamn lunch menu.

Here's what happens. I sit down. I'm like, what's on the menu? Sure. Oh, a porterhouse steak for $45. Yeah, I'm in. A pound of fettuccine carbonara for $48. I'll take it.

All I wanted to do was have half a sandwich and a little cup of soup, but that wasn't really an option. I'll tell you this. My wife and i took our children to disneyland about a year and a half ago two years ago and i was like well i remember from childhood that my favorite restaurant in disneyland was the one where you're inside pirates of the caribbean sure and we had already gone to a restaurant that serves pizza from Toy Story because someone on the Facebook group of One Bad Mother. Pizza Planet?

Yeah. Somebody from the One Bad Mother Facebook group was like, oh, it's great. You guys should totally go to the pizza place. I ate literally the worst pizza I've ever eaten in my life, including frozen grocery store pizza. And so I was like, well, I remember that this one in the Pirates of the Caribbean was my favorite. So we went and tried to go there. But you have to have reservations. Oh, it's a very exclusive restaurant.

You can't just walk into the Pirates. Look at him, John. Look at this guy. He thinks you can just walk. This is Disneyland. You understand it's inside the ride of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, right? I thought I could just palm a 20 to the maitre d'. No. Hey, Jesse, I hear there's a 20 to the maitre d'. No.

Hey, Jesse, I hear there's a trail up to Mordor you could take. You should have an easier time walking into Mordor. Oh, what an idiot. What an idiot. What a country rube. Oh, boy. I went to the restaurant that's like that, that's like next door, that's like a cafe, which is what you wanted. They'll sell you half a sandwich there, and you're good to go.

You get yourself one of their famous virgin mint juleps. And it comes in a collectible glass. Uh-huh. And you go ahead and get yourself a croque monsieur or whatever. Oh, sure. A croque madame. Croque madame if you're feeling a little extra eggy. It was fucking awful.

It wasn't good. It was bad. I tell you what, it was bad for prison food. Yeah, the food there was not very good. I will say that. How was your porterhouse? I didn't have the porterhouse. What did I have? I had the salmon.

Oh, yeah. I had the salmon. It's a good place to get fish. That's fine. Well, this is water right there. I assume they fish out of the ride river. I've got a trip to Disneyland planned. Straight from the bayou to you. And I've been kind of looking. I'm trying to plan of the ride river. I've got a trip to Disneyland planned. Straight from the bayou to you.

And I've been kind of looking. I'm trying to plan this in my head. Because I also am familiar with the issue of eating at Disneyland. It's an issue. It's an issue. You know what, Jordan? You can just get that turkey leg. I love that turkey leg.

Oh, my God. Walking around with a turkey leg like a goddamn king. And I've been looking at all these lists online that are like life hacks and like secret menus at Disneyland. And I'm like looking at these things and I'm like, these should just say get your hand stamped and go to Caro's. They should just say get your hand stamped, walk two blocks to the Caro's, get a patty melt, and then go back in Disneyland. I think that's a fine idea. I think that's a fine idea. So did your kids have a good time despite it not being it? They had a great time.

They really, you know, Disney, every time I've gone to a Disney property with my children, we've had a fantastic time. It's easy. It's fun. It's nice on many levels. I don't know. They had a great time. Did you pick up any ideas to increase the verisimilitude of your theme cruise?

Yeah, well, we're going to have a lot more themed rooms, a lot more art direction. Everything's going to be art directed from now on. Can I give you a tip? Yeah, sure. They're not the staff, Jonathan. They're the cast. They're the cast members, right. They are the cast.

The cast member who mows the lawn. You are giving your customers an experience, right. They are the cast. The cast member who mows the lawn. You are giving your customers an experience. The cast member who puts the gas in the cars at Autopia. This isn't just some trip to Mexico with Wil Wheaton. This is an experience. That is one of the rods. Have you been on the trip to Mexico with Wil Wheaton? Is trip to Mexico a euphemism?

No, it's a trip to Mexico with Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton's like, again, huh? There's a robot. Not since I was a teen idol, but I'll do it. There's an animatronic Wil Wheaton, and he sits next to you in the car, and you could do a little, it's a dark ride. It's a dark ride with small drops. Sure. Sure.

It's a little scary. There's some spinning. Sure. But at the end, everybody's singing. At the end. Everybody sings. This is a family show. Let's not talk. Sure. But at the end, everybody's singing. At the end. Everybody sings. This is a family show. Let's not talk about it.

You will get wet. You will get wet. Okay. When you're going to Mexico with Wheaton, you're going to get wet. One thing you know. You're going to get wet. Take it from me, Patrick Stewart. That's right.

I was on Star Trek with Will Wheaton. That's right. It's me, Sir Patrick Stewart of Her Majesty's Court. And if there's one thing I learned on Star Trek, ha-cha. That's my Patrick Stewart impression, by the way. It's really eerie. Hello, are you Patrick Stewart? It's me, celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme.

Would you care for some zesty seasonings? Only if it's Saturday. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Don't worry, it's funnier than it sounds. Find us at beefanddairynetwork.com or maximumfun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts from. Oh, God, there's the rat. Oh, God. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we've got a sponsor on this week's program, Jordan. Boy, do we ever.

It is our friends from Chubbies. Chubbies. Guys, think about the last time you went to the pool or the beach. Chances are you need a swimwear update. Honestly, your swimwear is an embarrassment to me, your current swimwear. What you're going to want to do is join the swim trunk revolution today with a fresh pair of Chubbies. Viva los chubbies! Oh, yeah, that's our slogan that we're making up for them and they have not asked.

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, they probably asked us not to make up a slogan for them. Los chubbies! Viva los chubbies! Chubbies are dedicated to being so comfortable, you'll wish you could wear them all the time. And why not wear them all the time? Yeah.

To the office, to the park, to church, to confession. Weddings. Funerals. First dates. Surgery. Last kisses. Surgery. Last kisses? What the fuck is that? The final kiss before... A vampire's kiss? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Cool.

Yeah. Wear them before sending your victims off to their eternal rest. Jesse, I got myself a pair of chubbies. Mine are called Odysseys. I forget the name of my chubbies. Yours are called Enfuegos. Enfuegos.

Are they actually called that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I got some Enfuegos. I got them in my car right now. I'm going to hit the pool after this, swim in my chubbies. I love them. Rolling those chubs. I'm going to roll deep.

I'm going to roll chub deep. I wore mine to the beach the other day. You know what I had? The ultimate Friday 5 o'clock feeling. Man, that sounds amazing. I was loving the chubs. These are actually really, really cool swim trunks. I like them.

I think you'll like them. What you're going to want to do is go to chubbies.com slash JJGO, and you get free two-day shipping on your order. Can I tell you, I talked to the Chubbies guy. Yes. And I told him which ones I am like, oh, yeah, I ordered these Odysseys, right? And he says to me, oh, yeah, you're going to like those. Those have the latest swimwear technology. Ooh.

And you know what? I put them on. I jumped in the waves. I was like, I'm enjoying this swimwear technology. Yeah. I'm wearing them to the pool. I'm going fast. Yeah.

And my butt crack's not showing. Oh, that's nice. Chubbies.com slash JJ Go for free two-day shipping on your order. Chubbies.com slash JJ Go. We also have something up on the Jumbotron this week from Tom Regan from Ultimate Future Tom Regan. Oh, good. Yeah. Here's the message.

Some say that having two dicks made us twice the man. If in 2017 you have to deal with a broken thresher or a Star Trek transporter or a really sketchy situation comes up, just like go for it, man. It'll be fine. This was generated by a bot. Yeah. I am 90% sure. Are bots giving us $100 to share a message on Jordan, Jesse, go these days? I feel like 80s spies are sending each other messages through Jordan, Jesse, go.

We're just unwitting pawns in a game of spycraft. If you were a Romanian spy, it seems like a pretty good way to send your spy messages, right? You can't afford the shortwave setup. Sure. You can't afford to place ads in the local newspaper in the town your contact is in. No, you just say – you just write some broken thresher. Yeah. Broken thresher is what they called a keyword that turns on the code.

And then Star Trek Transporter and Really Sketchy Situation are sort of the content of it. And then go for it, man. It'll be fine is the ending. That signals that the code is now over. Sure. It's a lot like baseball signs. It's an activator sign. That man's future self enjoyed that message.

By the way, this message, if you translate the message from the spy language, it's about activator, like Jerry Curl. Oh, okay. So it's like hair product, like jerry curl. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's like hair product. They just hit Romania. Oh, that's nice. Yes.

There's a lot of excitement about relaxed, shiny curls. Okay. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. For an affordable price, we will share your message, whether it's about a commercial project you're working on, like a store you have or whatever, or just a goodwill wish to a friend or colleague who listens to Jordan Jesse Go. I know a lot of business groups are listening to Jordan Jesse Go now, so colleague is a really important category there. Or if you need to start the process to get an assassination underway.

No. Or just contact the other members of your Lady Lions Club. All the other Lady Lions in Dubuque. Yeah. You know you're going to reach them through Jordan Jesse Go. There's not any other medium through which to reach them. Not that I know of. Yeah.

If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go, you can just email us at Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Or if you want to get up on that Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Let's get back to the show. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Colton, visiting guest. Well, Jonathan Colton, what a joy it is to have you here on the program. It's a delight to be here. Thank you for having me.

Well, you know, one of Jordan and Jesse Goh listeners' favorite recurring segments is, Jesse hasn't had any experiences, but he did see a funny license plate. So I just want to take this opportunity to tip my proverbial cap to the black Chevrolet Spark I saw on the road yesterday with the license plate that said Ratlord. Ratlord. Ratlord. Yeah. Wow. So kudos to you, Ratlord.

Is that a term of art, Ratlord? Yeah, I think that means clothespin on a movie set. What is the thing? Now, you think it's Ratlord. Can we just take a minute to entertain that this may be right? Like if it's... Ratalo, R-D. Yeah. Right.

What is R? It's Frank Ratlo. Yeah. He's a registered dietitian. Roger Atlord. Roger Atlord. Yes. R-Atlord. Roger Atlord. Yes. Our Atlord.

Roger Atlord, doctor. My father is Mr. Atlord. Please, please. Call me Roger. Call me Roger. Or Rog. I'm fine. Or Ratlord.

Call me Ratlord. Do you see my car? Do you see my Chevy Spark? So I just, I don't know if Ratlord is a position that you get democratically, by force. Probably not. It sounds like you kill the previous Ratlord. By virtue of birth? I mean, it could have been high slash low born.

You probably have to inherit land to be Ratlord. So you have to be a member of the landed gentry. Obviously. Or it could be like a mother of dragons kind of thing. Right. Or lord of rats. You just have a, you know, obviously it has to do with lineage, but you know. You sit on them eggs and when the rats come out.

Yeah, sit on those, hatch your rat eggs. That's right. They do your bidding. That's right. We know who's in charge now. Yeah. Is there a term rat king? Is that a thing. We know who's in charge now. Yeah. Is there a term rat king?

Is that a thing? I think it's in the Nutcracker. Doesn't the Nutcracker fight the rat king? Yeah, but then there's also a thing where a bunch of rats are tied together. That's what I'm talking about. A rat made of other rats? And it's not clear whether that's a real thing or not. Right. I don't know whether that's a real thing or not.

So what do they do when you tie them together in the shape of another it's like it's like if two kids it's like if two kids put on an overcoat and then pretend to be grown up except it's with like a hundred rats and a giant rat shaped rat and their tie their tails are tied together maybe yeah why why do you and i both have a memory of what that is and yet we don't know what it is. It's a thing. Well, because it's the kind of thing where you hear half of it, and it still manages to haunt your dreams. That's gross. It'll haunt your dreams no matter what.

I think it's also a Ninja Turtle villain who is kind of like what I said, where you can control rats with your mind. Master Splinter? No, I think he has probably a complicated... He's a friendly rat. No, but there's Rat King, who I think has a complicated relationship with Master Splinter, because Master Splinter, I would guess, would feel compelled to obey Rat Lord. What about... Excuse me, Rat King. Well, unless he's got a higher mind because of his... Because of the radioactive juice that he was...

He's being mutated. Yeah, that's right. Sure. What about King Brain Jar? Oh, you're talking about Krang. Yeah. From Dimension X. What about him?

I don't think he has to do shit for Rat King. He's from Dimension X. Wait a minute. What about Rhino Man? Oh, yeah. Rocksteady or Bebop. Yeah. That's him.

Rhino Man and his friend, the pig. Coming at you on KXLU. Give us a call, Rhino with a pig. Yeah, baby. Behave. My wife. Something from Animal House. Guys, I'm feeling a little bit like a rat lord these days.

Why are you feeling like a rat lord, Fred? Can I ask you guys something? Sure I insist that you do Can we answer it honestly? Would you please answer it honestly? Yes Do you mind if I give you my frankest opinions?

I would love that Please be candid Okay No bullshit Got it Give it to me straight Got it Cut to the bone

Got it No problem So you guys are verified on Twitter, right? You got the check? Yeah, sure. Yeah, obviously. And what's that been like for you? Can you remember when you got the check and how it felt?

I get a lot more blowjobs. Oh, boy. That's like the first thing. I get the same amount of blowjobs. Exact same amount. Wow. But you've been doing a lot worse. So given your behavior –

Right. So I guess that's – That's right. I deserve fewer blowjobs and yet I get the same number of blowjobs. Yeah. So it's been nice. It's been a big deal. It's a good thing.

I didn't have it forever. Forever and ever and ever. I've maybe only had it a year or something like that. I got it right before they just made it so that anyone can get one. Yeah, I got it a while ago. Yeah, I mean I would imagine that you were in that first wave of – that first wave where it was just some nerd at Twitter picking his ten favorite nerd things. I guess it was very unclear what you had to do to get verified. You just had to catch somebody's eye at Twitter?

I think it was like getting invited to the Emmys. You either had to have a guy that liked you at Twitter or like one time our friend Chris Hardwick, when we changed the name of The Sound of Young America to Bullseye, there was a guy who had Bullseye, at Bullseye, but had never used it before.

He was tweeting as the Daredevil villain. Yeah. He was tweeting as the British darts-themed game show. And I really- Hosted by the Daredevil villain, right? Exactly. Bullseye, on Bullseye. And also the horse from Toy Story.

They sort of tagged him. Oh, sure, yeah. But I tried- He's good and everything i wanted to i wanted to get i wanted to get at bullseye for the show when we changed the name and i tried like typing in the thing to like the twitter was like i had the things that type it into this form and nothing happened zero type it into request a yeah and i like tried to run the internet whatever whatever whatever then i was like i bet ch Chris Hardwick knows how to do this. And I emailed Chris Hardwick.

I was like, hey, we're trying to get this. Do you know a guy at Twitter? And he's like, give me a minute. Literally like 15 minutes later, it had been changed. I think Hardwick just has a control board at his house for Twitter. That's my theory is it's just Hardwick with a control board. But I think more recently it was like if you had like a publicist that like had the connection to the thing, they would request it because they would like know who to request or like a social media consultant. They would have a relationship and then they would request it and they would demonstrate that you were a public person or a media person. At one point there was a guy who worked at Twitter who just emailed me and was like,

I heard you're having a hard time getting the staff verified. I was like, yeah. He's like, I can handle that. So he said, just put together a list of everybody and we'll get everybody a checkmark. You were on that list. I sent in the – we put together a list. It took a minute. Put together a list.

Sent it in. Email bounced. Guy got fired. In between. Almost there. Email bounced. Guy got fired. In between. Almost there. Email bouncing. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, boy. So I am not verified. And it's one of those things that it's one of those issues that will be the source of me feeling accidentally insulted. You know, like when someone says to you on Twitter, like, hey, why aren't you verified? It's like, hey, why aren't you more famous? Yeah. Or why aren't you on SNL?

Yes. People will say to you, you should get verified. Sure. Like as though the problem is you were like, eh. Well. I haven't gotten around to it. I will say that I did have some reservations about verification. Yeah.

Because people will ask me this period. It's not something I would think about if it didn't come up once a month. And I'm like, eh, I bet if you're verified, more people fuck with you. But, Jordan, there's – first of all, when you're verified, it automatically puts on the quality filter. So when people fuck with you, you don't see it. puts on the quality filter so when people fuck with you, you don't see it. And when you're looking at your at mentions,

at this point, we're just bragging about what being verified is like. First, there's that blowjob thing. That already sounded pretty good. The best part is that you can look at your at mentions or your fave stars or whatever, and then click on verified, and you only see who

likes you who's also verified. So that's when you're like, oh, Val Kilmer likes me. The creme de la creme who likes me. Sure, yeah. Just one odd person will be like, oh, I got a star from that. That's how I learned that Sharon Lawrence, the star of NYPD Blue, is a big Jesse Thorne fan. Not bragging, just the truth. That's fantastic.

She probably wouldn't even like you if you weren't verified is the thing. She probably only likes verified people. No doubt about it. I'll tell you one thing that really changed in my life when I became verified is I became an insufferable prick. Just constantly bragging about being friends on Twitter with Sharon Lawrence. You were Showbiz's corn-pwned nice guy for a while. I was. I was.

And then I got verified and I became awful and I would lord it over everyone. Throw it. Rat lording it over everyone. I was rat lording it over everyone. But it's worth it for the blowjobs alone. So you – I understand. but i can understand having reservations because you feel like you're putting on airs maybe or you feel like yeah i

guess you're just doing it because everyone says you should and you feel like you're i feel like for me i didn't want to put a lot of effort into something that felt like it was proving that i was famous when sure i guess my feeling is that like i you know i'm i'm i'm doing fine but you know maybe if you so i've only been i've led a very blessed online existence in that i don't get fucked with a lot right like i don't have a lot of trolls once in a while you know somebody will pop up or try and do a weird thing but you mute them and it's basically done and i've only been fucked with in mass once it was when i made that bernie sanders joke and i learned i uh and i and i'm like oh i don't want this to happen and maybe if i'm like oh if i had that check mark maybe this would have gotten big because you know like maybe the people who feel like they want to like

fuck with you want to fuck with you more if you have the check mark you know right they feel like they're taking down a big fish right uh so i'm like yeah i don't really i don't really i don't need that i'm i'm okay not doing it but then i was thinking about this recently and i'm you know i'm on the job market again i'm out there i'm looking i'm available you know you've got twitter expertise you worked on the twitter television i worked on twitter the show yeah i'm available you know you've got twitter expertise you worked on the twitter television i worked on twitter the show yeah so and obviously you know people are i think when they even they get that resume they're checking out your social yeah i'm not on insta right which i feel like makes me less appealing right yeah wish i had that insta following

right what are you gonna do so i'm like you know what? I think I want to do this. And then I saw an article that there's also a, like a Tinder but for verified people on Twitter. And I'm like, finally, this is the way to get hooked up with Amy Tan. Or Wendy Williams. Or a columnist for the Deseret News. Sure. Yeah. Or, yeah.

Columnist for the Deseret News. Sure. Yeah. Or, yeah. So, you know, I'm like, oh, well, there's a whole litany of verified singles that I could be getting out there in front of. Yeah. Metro reporters for the New Orleans Times-Picayune. Don't even start with me. The best.

The Sacramento Bee. The woman who does the restaurant reviews. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The same woman does the restaurant reviews and the movie reviews for the Sacramento Bee. Lou Seal, the mascot of the San Francisco Giants. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sports mascots. Brands. I could be fucking Oreo. Oh, man. God, that sandwich filling. They should make a Tinder just for brands. Oh, yeah so right so nabisco could fuck shell so blackwater could fuck keebler let's face it black blackwater's been fucking keebler for a long time yeah thank you thank you Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bernie would have won. So I'm like, you know what?

I'm going to do this. I will run the risk that I get fucked with. Just, you know, I think it's a good move for me. Right. Fill out the form. You say why you should be verified, what you're involved with. Ask for three links. Submit some links that prove that I am who I say I am.

What kind of links? IMDB page. Yeah, IMDB. I have a very bad IMDB. It's not been consolidated. There are three different – there are like five Jordan Morrises on IMDB and three of them are me. And just to be clear, these are links that indicate you are a famous person. It can't just be like a picture of your driver's license.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Copy of your electricity bill. Right. They do ask for a picture of your driver's license, which I sent them gladly. And so. I think as a person with professional management, they got to have a person there over at the management thing who can be like, hey, IMDb, let's consolidate these lists. Yeah, sure. Is it because you're trying to keep – Yes.

Yes. I agree with you, Jesse. I agree with you. Sandra Bullock movie off the – Yeah. Away from the rest of the IMDb. Yes, yeah. I want to keep my appearance in the bad Sandra Bullock movie away from my PA experience.

I don't want them to associate it with the fact of the time when I was Tim and Eric's intern. God, I would love to just get, I would just love to get a little credit from Hollywood personally for basically carrying, no offense to Will Wheaton, but basically carrying the special Christmas Through the Decades on the History Channel. Sure. Again, no offense to Will Wheaton. No.

He's great. We all want to go to Mexico with him. We all want, no offense to Wilby. No. He's great. And we all want to go to Mexico with him. We all want to go to Mexico. I carry that. Me and Mr. Belding, technically. But the two of us really did most of the work. So I'm like, time to do this. So, you know, maybe my YouTube page, link to the podcast.

So they have some episodes at midnight that I was on. Wait a couple weeks. Form letter in my inbox. We do not feel this account should be verified at this time. Oh, wow. Jeez. A big. You got turned down?

I got turned down for verification. You got heismaned by the verification team at Twitter. Yes. Stuffed. Housed. Wow. You name it. That's rough.

It felt like a rejection. It felt like a breakup. It felt like a general fuck you. Do you think this is related to the now professional soccer star Jordan Morris? Could be. Do you think they felt you were impersonating him? Yes. There is a man who plays soccer for the Seattle soccer teams.

And his name is- Seattle Supersonics. Seattle Supersonics. Yeah. And he is a young up-and-coming soccer player who has been on cereal boxes. I don't think Wheaties, but I think Grape Nuts, which is- That's pretty good. That's the road to Wheaties.

Frankly, that's my preferred cereal, although you'd be surprised at how few grocery stores carry it. Who likes Wheaties? Nobody likes Wheaties. So he has this soccer man. To be fair, no one likes Grape Nuts besides me. I like Grape Nuts. Well, thank you, John.

We'll talk about it. My mom loved Grape Nuts. Started each day with a bowl of Grape Nuts. She's a beautiful woman. They're really crunchy. Let me ask you a question, Jordan. If it showed up on Tinder, which way would you swipe? Grape nuts?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Swipe and write on those nuts. Oh, yeah. Got to get those nuts. Got to get those nuts. Oh, yeah. Malty.

Got to get those nuts. So, yeah. Wait. What were get those nuts. So, yeah. Wait. What were we talking about? Grape nuts. Now with soccer. Oh, yeah. So, yeah.

So this soccer guy has become very popular. And I think more so on the internet because that is the dwelling place of the American person who likes soccer. Wait a minute. He's become very popular for being a soccer player in Seattle? Yes. That's a thing you can do? That's a way you can get popular? I think what is happening-

In Seattle, yes. Is that- That's what they do in Seattle. They do their soccer game together. Big soccer town. Seattle is a hub for- And we've been to Seattle. Beautiful country.

Great fans. I don't mean this to- I'm not slagging off Seattle. I love Seattle. Which I like. It's fucking great. Let me explain this. Their soccer situation is garbage, I'm not slagging off Seattle. I love Seattle. It's fucking great. Their soccer situation is garbage though. In the Pacific Northwest. Yeah.

Going to a soccer game is like a non-racist white pride rally. That sounds fun when you put it that way. I think it is a place where like where they have a lot of people who are active on social media. Big tweeters who also want to let you know that they studied abroad. Yes.

Like, you know. Yeah. I watch soccer. Yeah. You know. So I think that that – I guess I picked it up when I was in Europe. Yeah.

People who came to sports fandom late. Yeah. I go in and out of the accent. I go in and out of the accent. Oh, was I doing it again when I was in Europe. People who came to sports fandom late. Yeah, I go in and out of the accent. I go in and out of the accent. Oh, was I doing it again? Yeah, I picked it up when I was over there. People who came to sports fandom late, and at the time they came to sports fandom, they were wearing a polar fleece. So, yeah.

So I think that the fact that he is a star on that team has led him to be, you know, maybe more of a thing on social media than he would be otherwise? I assume he's verified. Oh, I haven't checked on that guy. Good question. I wonder. But he definitely is the thing that comes up when you Google me. Yeah.

For pages and pages and pages. I think he is. And I think he's like, he went from being a 17-year-old nobody a couple of years ago to now I think he's like one of the stars of the American national team. So it was like we would occasionally hear about – You're talking about the U.S. soccers? Yeah. The America soccers.

The America soccers, yeah. They're called Feat FC, but yes. Yeah, right. And – F-E-A-T period? Yeah. Like there was a time when it was like occasionally – because I know because they also tell me about this. Sort of like how when they tell – they tell me about you sharing a name with someone in the same way that they tell you about me being dead weight on the show at the same time that they tell me.

Sure. These are the same tweet often. Yeah. So it used to be – I have two comments. You're dead weight. Yeah. Yeah. So it used to be. I have two comments. You're dead weight. Yeah. Yeah.

That's nice. Occasionally, it used to be a very occasional thing, but then people have found out how to tune their headphones to where only one voice comes through. And the show doesn't make a lot of sense. Do you hard pan your voices left and right? Yeah, absolutely. That would be a good way to do it. Yeah.

I mean, the problem is that we usually put me dead center, so I'm central on the program. You're the bass guitar. Yeah. But then you can filter for that. You can filter for that. Anything. Just roll off the lows.

Exactly. Just roll off those lows. Jay Dilla taught us that. Okay. The master. The master at flipping loops. So, yeah. So, guys, I, you know, I'm just kind of, I'm just kind of going on with my life now knowing that this is probably not a possibility.

I mean, perhaps I'll get more successful. Probably not. Well, not if you're not verified. Yeah, I know. If your resume is, well, check this guy out. Yeah. It's one of those prophecies. No, not that Jordan Morris, the other one who's not verified.

I'm wondering if someone from Twitter listens to this show and can fix it. My first thought is maybe Tom from MySpace can fix it. I know he listens. Yeah. My second thought is? Johnny Friendster. Let's check in with Craig from Craigslist. Sure.

How about Alfred Online? Yeah. Adult F Finder. Hello, I'm Adult F Finder. Do you have a social media problem I can help you with? Can I ask you guys a question? This is a serious question. You mentioned Adult F Finder.

Yeah. Do you think that any of those are real services? Adult Friend Finder or Ashley Madison? Any of the weird sex networks. Are you saying they're all fake services? Sex works, sure. I'm wondering what it is. Their business operates on you giving them $20 the first time?

Oh, I see. It's all just a fraudulent pyramid scheme. Wait. I mean, people aren't going on that and then finding – To meet adult friends. They're not finding sex on it, are they? I think with that – I mean, I think, you know, I think as we learned in the wake of the Ashley Madison hack is that there were some real people on there, but it was mostly horny men and created bots.

Oh, bots. So I bet that is also the deal with your adult F-finders. High percentage are going to be your fake people. I didn't even think of bots. I heard a story. I don't know if this is true or not, but I heard a story that was it Comic-Con or Dragon-Con or one of the cons? Was it Comic-Con or Dragon-Con or one of the cons?

Somebody decided that they had a hotel room and they wanted to have an orgy. So they put an ad out in Cranklist or somewhere. They said, hey, we're at Dragon-Con. That's this room. We're going to have an orgy. And then send us your info and we'll let you know how to get in. And within a couple of hours of posting it, they had to edit the post and say, we have plenty of men who are going to be at the – unfortunately, we cannot accept any more men. We really, really need some women. So that, I think, is a big pitfall to any sort of sex –

Sexcapade. Sexcapade, yes. That explains – I mean, the one person I was really excited about. I think is a big pitfall to any sort of sex. Sexcapade. Sexcapade, yes. That explains. I mean the one person I was really excited about connecting with on Adult Friend Finder was a dude, Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs followed me on there. I was very excited. He's an adult. He's probably just as publicist though.

He's probably just as publicist. Trying to build the social media numbers or something. Just build the numbers. Trying to get verified on Adult Friend Finder. Ad follows. Anyway. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at MaxFunStore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? maxfundstore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, Boyd & Diggins. Jonathan Colton, me.

Hi. So we have been having people call in to violate nondisclosure agreements and DAs on the show, Jonathan. to violate nondisclosure agreements, NDAs on the show, Jonathan. We had a great call from someone who was on a consumer panel for new types of whipped cream dispenser. Turns out the panel did not like any of the new types. They say stick with the old type. We know that because he violated the NDA that he had signed. Sure. Last week someone called in with what appeared to be legitimate national security news. So I want to say we were flabbergasted. I will say this. Brian, our producer,

did not give us a heads up about that. Just drop that one on us. He's busy. It's his week on his television show, his episode shooting right now. Congratulations to him. I would like to mention one thing about that, or two things about that, which are these. Number one, some people ask, was there any follow-up? Actually, yes. There is a professional, a qualified professional doing some follow-up on that. Much more qualified than us to do any follow-up on that. And number two, if you are that guy and you want to reach out to us to talk to that qualified professional,

feel free. That qualified professional could use some details that you have that they don't have in order to do some follow-up. And it's not me, by the way. I am not the qualified professional. It's Jonathan Colton. It's a qualified professional singer-songwriter. Not qualified in any way.

Verified, but not qualified. But we do have... Thanks a lot, Jordan. Sorry. No, it's okay. Wound's still fresh. I know, I'm sorry. We do have an NDA here, an NDA violation here.

Let's take a listen, and hopefully this one won't shake our faith in our nation's government. Hi, Jordan and Jesse and guests. Calling about a non-disclosure agreement. A couple years ago, I was studying in Beijing. I did an internship, and the internship had me sign a non-disclosure agreement, had me sign a non-disclosure agreement, which I thought was a little bit strange at the time, but I later found out that probably the reason why was because essentially what me do was do their CEOs a master's degree homework. So there you have it. Wait, what kind of homework? Master's degree homework. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, gotta do that

CEO's homework. He's got activities. He's running a company for God's sake. Thank you. He can't be going to school at the same time. Yeah, he's got to wine and dine the investors. He's got to get those Trump points. Sure. Trying to build up those Trump points so he can come to America and get a master's degree. How many Trump points do you need to come to America?

Make an investment. I need like 20 Trump points. How many do you need for one of those little finger puppets? They look like a dinosaur and they got those little bendy arms. You know those? I think you only need one or two. Oh, that's good. You can get those just with skee-ball.

I mean, just you put 50 cents into the skee-ball, you can get that much. Okay. So if you have an NDA, you want to violate 206-9844-FUN. I mean, I'm not going to say don't shake our faith in the United States government you can you can maybe this will lead to a

to a version of the show where we're you know breaking more news and dismantling more systems very special Jordan Jessico yeah

oh we don't do enough very special episodes there was that one where I got caught in the fridge we learned a great lesson that day. Careful what you climb into in the junkyard. Sure. You know what I mean?

Take the doors off the refrigerator before you put it in the junkyard. Here's the thing, Jonathan. You climb right into that Studebaker pretended drive. That's just fine. Yeah, sure. But the second that you pretend you're a cold cut, that's when you're in trouble. You're going to get in trouble. That's when you're going to get in trouble.

I was just playing Indiana Jones 4. I was putting a whole fish into my mouth and then pulling out the bones. Right. I love when you do that. Yeah. Classic Heathcliff's friend. I guess Heathcliff himself also did that. Jordan, Heathcliff's friend had a name.

Celebrity chef. I was going to say the beautiful Wendy Williams. Okay, when something momentous happens to you like you find a way to put some real zing into your gumbo, we like you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. A number you should put in your phone.

206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's take a listen. Hi, this is Kate, and I'm trying not to wake up my baby. But we just had a mama bear and two baby bears freaking in our front yard. Knocked over our trash. And the dog barked.

And the baby didn't even freaking wake up. They all left. That is a really creepy message. I know, yeah. I was getting that ASMR tingle. Yeah, I felt like that was coming out of a haunted doll. It sounded like a ghost call. A ghost call.

I can't tell you where I am. Help me. But I can tell you that I'm very afraid. Help me. I'm somewhere else. I have unfinished business. I just saw a bear in the front yard and it was eating my baby. I just saw a bear in the front yard and it was eating my baby.

Anyway, I wanted to get on the horn with you ASAP. Also, I think that Jesse is dead weight on the show. So if Jordan could please host the show with an old priest and a young priest. And help get me out of the other place where I am now. P.S. Jordan's voice sounds like David Cross. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I've heard. Thank you.

Thank you, ghost child. Thank you, ghost caller. Yeah. Thank you for letting us know, ghost caller. Let's take our next momentous occasion call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jess. This is Ceres from Grand Bay, Texas, and I'm calling

with momentous occasion. I'm starting hormone replacement therapy. I'll be transitioning from a testosterone-based organism to one fueled by estrogen. I want to thank you guys for being there with me and finding myself and ultimately

learning to love myself. Thank you very much. And I'm going to go punch a blunt. Yeah. Way to go. Fueled by estrogen. Yeah. Get ready to like Nicholas Sparks movies a lot more. Carve out a little time for shoe shopping.

What else is going on? This is Jonathan. This is our new character. The sexist guy who's in favor of people expressing their gender identities. That's very nice of you. But also he has a lot of hack 80s jokes about him. Right, right. It's like, I hope you're ready to go to the bathroom with a friend.

Hey, I don't think a power suit makes you qualified to work at my office. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hack 80s gender positive guy. At least he's gender positive. Yeah 80s gender positive guy. Yeah. At least he's gender positive. Yeah, yeah, it is. You know, he's from a different time.

Yeah. And he's learning. It's a process. He's open-minded. Sure. He's willing to admit that he's got stuff to learn, stuff to work on himself. But he's not going to change those jokes because you know what? They work.

They work. They work. They kill in Poughkeepsie. That's right. Roll up your sleeves and hit the stage. That's what I always say. Well, congratulations. Yeah, absolutely.

What a fantastic thing. Yeah, that's awesome. I can only imagine how difficult that is. It's probably crazy, and you're brave to do it and brave to tell us about it. So thank you. I will take this opportunity since the topic came up to mention that my kid is six. And as we've mentioned on the show, she's transgender. And she went to a special summer camp in Oakland this summer. And so if you – and it was so great. So if you have or you know a transgender kid, there's a day camp.

There's one for kids and there is one for teens. And then there is also a family camp that's like a weekend. And then I think there's a week summer family camp too. Yeah, highly recommended. So there's a free resource for you out there if you have a trans kid. I also – can I mention one other moment? You may. You know our friends Dave and Graham at Stop Podcasting Yourself, right?

Sure do. Well, those good boys are celebrating their 500th episode. Oh, holy moly. It might not be exactly as this episode comes out because we've got a live episode on the way, but 500 episodes of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Stop Podcasting Yourself, we're the first show, outside show, to join MaximumFun.org many years ago. I personally listen to Stop Podcasting Yourself without fail every week, and it's probably the only podcast I can actually say that about. every week, and it's probably the only podcast I can actually say that about. I really love Stop Podcasting Yourself,

and I am so proud to work with those guys all these years. They are such wonderful dudes, and they are so brilliantly hilarious and talented. And if you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener and you've never tried Stop Podcasting Yourself, this is the perfect time to try because they are passing this remarkable milestone they are brilliant amazing dudes and i just i'm so uh proud and happy to work with them uh yeah great dude and definitely like uh definitely like as as guys who have done a similar number of episodes have we done more, we started earlier, but we went through a few periods. Yes. During the years when you had that job where they would be like, we need you in Hawaii tomorrow. We missed some weeks.

Anyways, speaking as guys who have done a show that's been going on around that same amount of time, it's always great to hear, to see people recommending the show online. It's definitely like we definitely feel like the old toys in the podcast toy box. And yeah, always great to talk about a show that's been going on a while. Maybe it's a little less sexy. Well, they've got to be out of ideas, right? That's true. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the thing is, maybe now is not a good time to start listening because probably it's just all downhill from here, right?

Both their show and ours are really idea-driven. Sure. Yeah, that's true. It's a real concept thing. That's true. It's like making a Genesis album. You know what I mean? You really got to put the pieces together first before you can lay down the tracks.

You got to sit down and map it all out. And then if it doesn't fit together, you got to take it apart. It's a painstaking process. You listen to it on three different stereos, too. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. Right.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Jonathan Colton, fully qualified expert. Jonathan Colton, thank you expert, Jonathan Colton. Thank you for gracing us with your presence. Thank you so much for having me.

It's a, it's a pleasure to hang out with you in this, uh, hot, steamy vocal booth for over four hours today. It's been, it feels like this is the end of a real podcast ordeal for you. I've done three. This is my third podcast.

Hell yeah. Right. Yeah. I entrapped Jonathan. I found out he was going to be in town. He was kind enough to let me know that he was going to be in town. This is my third podcast I've done today. Hell yeah. Right? Yeah. I entrapped Jonathan. I found out he was going to be in town. He was kind enough to let me know that he was going to be in town. I had asked, please tell me when you'll be around.

We did a bullseye interview this morning. Then we did a Judge John Hodgman episode. Now we're doing this. He saw his family briefly in between on this family vacation that he's currently on. That's right. And we're very grateful to Jonathan for taking all this time to be in here. Here for you, podcasting when he doesn't have to be. Jonathan Colton has a beautiful new album out. It's called Solid State, a perhaps even more beautiful new graphic novel out on iMage Comics.

It's pronounced Ratlord Comics. A Ratlord imprint. He's also got the Jonathan Colton Cruise coming up, which is called Joko Cruise. Crazy. No, just Joko Cruise now. Drop the crazy. We dropped the crazy.

Because people were acting crazy on it. We just got crazy people. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Can we get a few regulars over here? Joko Cruz regs. Give me some regs. Yeah.

Joko Cruz insurance adjusters. That's right. Man, I did not know, Jonathan, that your album included a comic book. I was thumbing through that thing while we were waiting for you to get here. It's beautiful. It's nice looking. Is that fractions involved? Albert Montes did all the drawings, and yeah, it's really great.

I handed them a kind of fuzzy outline of a thing, and they made this really beautiful, well-drawn story and well-told story. It's really awesome. It's very exciting. It's a stunning artifact as well. I mean, that is no— Well, I sent you the hardcover, right? Yeah.

Yeah, the hardcover's all class. It weighs 800 pounds. Wow. It's square. I love that it's square. Take out a bear with that. Weight equals class. That's right.

I think if there's one... Yeah. That's the classic equation. That's why they call the blue whale the class act of the sea. The classiest of whales. The classiest of the sea. The classiest of whales. The classiest of the whales. Well, that and he always points his pinky toe, his pinky finger when he's drinking a glass of tea.

Sure, that's true. Cup of tea? Yeah. And he always asks how you're doing. He doesn't just talk about himself. He's always like, how are you doing? How are you doing? And he's genuinely interested too. He really is interested.

And he remembers. He remembers. He remembers how's Karen? Yeah, he remembers the name really is interested. And he remembers. He remembers. He remembers how you – how's Karen? Yeah, he remembers the name of your spouse. That's right. He repeats names when he does public speaking, too. Sure, exactly. Great to be here with Frank and John.

That's right. Of course. Thomas, the leader of the Lions Club? I was thinking that you say the Whales Club. The Whales Club. Yeah, sure. He's a whale. He's still a whale in this scenario.

But you know what? He's classy enough that he would hang out with the Lions Club. That's true. He doesn't care what kind of animal you are or if you're the kind of animal that would tear him into pieces and eat him. He doesn't care. As long as you're warm-blooded, right? Right. As long as you're warm-blooded.

Bring the warm-blooded. Thank you. He draws the line at the Daughters of the Confederacy. Sure. He's not willing to go to those. That's just a personal you know personal conviction i kind of admire it frankly well he's got a little backbone it's nice to nice to see he's got a huge very big enormous back the largest backbone of any creature that's

i guess that's true yeah yeah no wonder jonathan colton uh do do is it is it still a secret who's going to be on your cruise oh no it's not a secret who's going to be on your cruise? Oh, no, it's not a secret. Who's going to be on the cruise? Oh, I can't remember. Open Mike Eagle, who we just saw here in the offices. That was a big surprise. Maria Bamford is new this year. Doesn't get any better than a bammer.

We have some old returning friends. John Hodgman is going to be on this year. Oh, John Hodgman. He's taken a couple years off, if I'm not mistaken. He's on again, off again. Triumphant return. Triumphant return. Jean Grey.

Oh, the lovely Jean Grey. She's fantastic. She's a joy. Our good friends Ted Leo and Amy Mann. Hey. Ted, rock star. That's right. That's right.

I know. He's got a new album out, too. Does he? Is it out yet? It's coming out soon. Coming out. It's kick-started. It's great. It's right. I know. He's got a new album out, too. Does he? Is it out yet? It's coming out soon. Coming out. It's kickstarted. It's great.

It's a really great record. A couple of songs from it floating around out there. I like them a lot. Yeah. They're great. Ted Leo really is great. He's the greatest. Good dude, too.

Yeah. Amy Mann, great lady. Also a great dude. Brilliant singer. Brilliant songwriter. Absolutely. Are they going to be doing the both songs? Or are they going to be doing solo material?

Oh, on the cruise? Probably a little of both, if history is any judge. And a little of solo material? Yes. Oh, yeah. I see what happened. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And let me ask you this. Is my old boss from West Coast Live, Sedge Thompson, coming again? I don't know. Because he emailed me that he went on it, and I was very surprised. The first I heard that he was on it is when you— He was doing it incognito. Yeah. He didn't want to be mobbed the whole time.

You don't want to make a big thing about it. By liveys, fans of the West Coast-based live morning public radio weekend show, West Coast Live. There's probably a lot of overlap between his audience and mine. Yeah. Hey, we should probably talk about London, how we're going to be there. Oh, yeah. You bet your ass we're going to be in London. It're going to be there. Oh, yeah. You bet your ass we're going to be in London.

It's going to be great. Yeah, the London Podcast Festival. At London, England. Yes. I'm talking about England, the United Kingdom. September 15th. Puppy dogs, tails, whales.

Snips, snails. Northern Ireland, snails. London, England, King's Place. Mm-hmm. Is where we're going to be. King's Place. Us, Nick going to be. King's Place. Us, Nick Hornby, that's all. Maybe others.

Yeah, maybe we'll get Helms Awesome. We should probably get that together. Yeah, you're right, Jesse. Make a plan, maybe. Let's talk after this, off mic, about what we're going to do for our show at the London Podcast Festival. It's going to be pretty great.

On September 15th. It's going to be pretty, pretty, pretty great with Nick Hornby naming stuff. If you have something, okay, that's something we should talk about, whether or not you're going to be at the live show in London. If you have something that needs a name, email it to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. If you're looking for a collective last name for your polyamorous throuple, I think we'd love to name one of those. Sure.

Nick Hornby would love to name one of those. If you're looking for a name for an unusual pet. If you just got a new car and it needs a name. Yeah. If you just got a label maker and you're wondering what name to print out and then put on the label maker. Sure. That's all good things.

Send us a picture and a description of what needs a name. Nick Hornby is, of course, a naming thing specialist and he'll help us out there, I think. Thanks, guys. Please come to the show. We need you to. It doesn't sound like you need to plan it out at all. It sounds like it's all done. Yeah, it seems like we got it. MaximumFun.org is where you can

find the link or just Google for Jordan Jesse Goe in King's Place or Jordan Jesse Goe in London. You'll find it right there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's going to be a Jesse Goe in London. You'll find it right there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's going to be a hoot and a half. You can find us on Twitter at jessethorn, at jordan underscore morris, and at jonathancolton. Not the soccer player. I'm not the soccer player.

Jonathan might be. No, you're the good Jordan Morris. Yeah. Unverified Jordan Morris. The one that sounds like David Cross. Yeah. Maximumfund.reddit.com if you want to chat about it. There you go. Very lively discussion this past week for our Rhea Butcher and Cameron Esposito record recording.

Hunter Ellenbos, one of our listeners, he said he prefers a steamed dog to a grilled dog. Wow. He feels like that's a ballpark-specific experience. Well. I thought that was very bold. He prefaced it with hot take, and I said, yeah, Hunter, you're a very reasonable man. I know this guy from Facebook. He's a very reasonable guy.

He's nothing if not reasonable. I said, you're a very reasonable man. This take isn't going to be very hot. And then he fucking blew me away with- It's the hottest of takes. Rather have a steamed than a grilled dog. I've never heard of that. Join the conversation.

Join the conversation. Join the conversation. Maximumfun.reddit.com and on Facebook. You can like Jordan Jesse Go and join the Maximum Fun Facebook group right there. There's also probably Facebook groups for whatever place you live if you want to meet up with the Max Funsters. So that's another fun thing you can do. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week. Thank you, Danny.

JJ Go on Twitter. Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week. Thank you, Danny. Also, congratulations to our friend Brian Fernandez, who is not only the producer of this week's program, but is currently on set in London, England, working on the episode of the television show that has his name on it. Nice. The episode has his name on it.

It's not called Brian Fernandez. Maybe we're going to workshop that name a little bit. Yeah. Not the sexiest name. it. Nice. The episode has his name on it. It's not called Brian Fernandez. Maybe we're going to workshop that name a little bit. Yeah. Not the sexiest name. It's fine. It's okay. But it doesn't say Elizabeth Hurley to me. Sure.

It says Brian Fernandez. Yeah. It says Brian Fernandez more. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could go with something in between like Elizabeth Fernandez. Mm-hmm. Or Brian Hurley.

I'm just BF. Call it BF. Brian Hurley might be a hockey player. That gives people a nice best friends kind of feeling. Yeah. BF, best friend. Got it. Okay. I'm just BF. I think Brian Hurley might be a hockey player. That gives people a nice best friends kind of feeling. Yeah, BF, best friend. Got it.

That's nice. I've watched that show. Sold. One best friends. We'll talk to you next time. Just like the three of us. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.

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