Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 496: Buttryshnikov with Rob Kutner

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

Jordan and Jesse get weary of the sea and take a break from nautical talk this week and sit down for a chat with Conan writer Rob Kutner about whether or not you should use the cleaning fluid squirter on your windshield, Jordan's experience swimming at the West Hollywood public pool, Vin Diesel's first acting job, and Rob's new graphic novel, "Shrinkage." Get "Shrinkage" here! Or on ComiXology here!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan, Jesse Goh, we sail the high seas. It's America's premier nautical podcast. From tall ships to steam freighters.ist the sails prepare the hard tack sharpen the swords laddies yeah for the seven seas will be ours to pillage we'll be drinking mead

is that is it shit just we've been doing this we've been doing this show for 11-ish years. Yeah, and every week we talk about- In-depth, going in about maritime issues. The nautical life. You're dealing with the big questions of the day. What do you do with a drunk at sail? Sure. Early in the morning.

Yeah, what if you don't have a longboat? Where do you put him until he's sober? Yeah. Oh, you put him in the cabin with the captain's daughter. Oh, boy. Yeah. But, frankly, I'm getting a little weary of the sea. Really?

Yeah. She's a harsh mistress. My obsession with the sea has destroyed all my relationships. I've never even had a relationship because of the sea, except for my relationship with my trusty shoulder parrot. Sure. And, listen. And that's a mostly poop on my shoulder based relationship. Listen, you know, we all love Sparky.

Right. And his poop. Right. But what if we just, what if we turned over a new leaf starting today? Uh-huh. We are not men who are married to the sea. Nope. She is no longer our harsh, wet mistress.

Right. Our salty babe. What if we, are you suggesting, Jordan, that we put her away wet? Yeah, well, we rode her hard. We certainly rode her hard. So I say let's commit ourselves to a life of land-loving. You can get you know, get to know your wife

and three or four kids. I don't know. You probably don't know at this point. Couldn't tell you. You know, I can get started on some crafts projects. You've been putting off?

Yeah. I know you got those crazy scissors and you've been excited to use them. Yeah. I think scrapbooking is going to be big for me. Right. So what if just today we put the C to bed because she's been nothing but cruel to us.

Right. And we just chat. Really? We've got to – just as a bridge so we can find out what the next topic is for the podcast. The whole show we just gab. We just gab. There's an amazing guest from the world of comedy and publishing here. Really? Because initially we had talked about booking a seafaring guest. Yeah, just some of the booking didn't work out.

Agents, managers, timing. Everybody's so busy. Oh, we're so busy. We're the trade routes these days. Sure. So what if we introduce him, talk to him a little bit about some of his exciting new ventures, share stories from our lives, and just see where it goes? Do you think even though he's not seafaring, he might know something about spices from the Orient? Only one way to find out.

Okay. Well, our guest on this week's program, a writer for Conan, the Conan O'Brien late-night television program, also the author of a brand- graphic novel uh and a beloved past jordan jesse go guest by the way i'm aware that i said novel i know that i know that i said novel that's how sea folks say it are rob cutler hi rob novel hi hi me is it hi me i thought it was Rob. Yeah. That's just on my ID. Rob, welcome back to Jordan, Jesse. Go. It's nice to see you again, friend. It's a pleasure to be here.

Do you know anything about spices from the Orient? Only cumin. Okay, because I ate an amazing cumin spiced lamb dish yesterday. I was in, I went to a podcasting conference, which I cannot in good faith recommend. And it was in Anaheim, California. You familiar

with Anaheim, California, Dead All Jordan? Oh, yeah. And I did... They call it America's Fuck Basket, right? I'm sorry, Bread Right. I'm sorry. Bread basket. Right. Sorry. So I was at a weird hotel right next to Disneyland, which is just it is like Anaheim for anyone who's never been to Anaheim.

It's big. And it's just mostly these giant roads, just enormous roads. Yeah, it's to get people to and from Disneyland. Yeah, it's like an entire city dedicated to families of five, each wearing a different embarrassing hat. It's like that shoot at the abattoir that they just slide the cab down. Yeah, exactly. Until it hits the rotating blades of California Adventure. And I was on a panel at the podcasting conference. But if you can dodge the blades, here's the good thing about that.

If you can dodge the blades, you get a collectible pin. Yeah, that is nice. And I love to trade those with my friends. So fun. Especially around the Olympics. So anyway, I'm at the podcasting conference. My thing ends at 11. I figure, look, I'm going to chat with Helen Zaltzman and Chuck Bryant for a few minutes, our friends from the world of podcasting.

But then once I'm done doing that, I'm going to be hungry for lunch. But I don't know what I'm going to eat lunch in Anaheim. going to be hungry for lunch, but I don't know what I'm going to eat lunch in Anaheim. Anaheim is essentially a city of roads connecting Disneyland's with Applebee's. And I didn't want to go to Applebee's. A kind of a trade route, if you will. But my colleague, Nick, here at Maximum Fun, our production fellow, was kind enough to recommend an Islamic Chinese restaurant right next to Anaheim, and I ate this cumin-spiced lamb, leftovers of which I ate for lunch today.

I highly recommend it. That's for sure. I can vouch for that. Yeah, it smells lamby in here. Got some serious cumin sweats going on right now. But I couldn't recommend it more highly. Get yourself some cumin lamb. That's my advice for young podcasters out there. So would you call that place the second happiest place on earth?

I would say it's the cuminist place on earth. It really was like piece, you know, like stir fried beef slices, you know, thin little. It was like that, but with like a cumin paste. You know what they say about cumin, and I think it's true. A little goes a long way. Yeah, well, a lot goes a longer way. You said it. Is this sexual?

Did you guys just get a new sponsor? Just general goods are our sponsors now. Brought to you by the American Cumin Council. Hey, guys, why not try String? Fuck paprika. Cumin, the Hey, guys, why not try String? Fuck paprika. Cumin, the thinking man's coriander. Rob, how are you doing, friend? I'm good, thanks.

What's going on in your life? You've just been working on this graphic novel and writing gags for the Conan program? Yeah, I guess we're done here. Okay, cool. Cool, we can knock off a little early. That's right. Back to cumin land. Down to cumin-ies. Can I ask you guys a question of a thing

that has really been a big issue, like a surprisingly big issue in my life? Yes. You guys are car owners, right? Do you own an automobile, Rob? Yes. Okay. Do you like to use the jets that shoot windshield cleaner onto your windows? Yeah, kind of obsessively.

Yeah? You know what? The crappy sky of L.A. Right. It feels like it's constantly like this blanket of crud. I feel the same way. So how often, if you had to guess, how often are you using that juice gun? Sometimes I leave work meetings, the marital bed, playtime with my children to go out and just do a little squirt.

Got it. Do you then go back to the marital bed? Yeah, do you leave the marital bed mid-husbandly duties? Well, you know, choose your squirt. You're going to be fed mid-husbandly duties. Well, you know, which, choose your squirt. And then you sit back, relax, and crack open a nice cold squirt. That's what my, that was my dad sat me down when I was around 12.

And, you know, he took me out to the pasture. And he sat me down and said, well, your body's going through a lot of changes. And you're going to start to, you know and you're going to start to notice girls. And he's like, just the main thing you got to know, you got to choose your squirt. And then he shot himself in front of me. Whoa. Wow. He didn't. He's alive and well.

Talk is very awkward though. I mean, I get that. Yeah. I was visiting with my childhood best friend, Peter Fraunfelder, recently. And we were just sort of sharing memories from our shared childhoods together and uh he reminded me or i reminded him of how he used to come to my house my dad's house after school when no one was there and he would let himself in he knew how to break into my dad's house and sit and eat our cereal because my dad got cereal at Costco. And I guess at Pete's house, he didn't have enough cereal.

So he would break into my house after school. And my dad or my stepmother or my brothers would come home and my friend Peter would just be sitting at our table eating like three bowls of cereal before he went on to his house. And he was like, yeah, your house always had cereal. His house always had squirts. There was always squirts in the refrigerator. I don't know why – and only squirts. Like it's not like there was like some Cokes, some Pepsis, some 7-Ups and some squirts. It was just there was always six squirts in his refrigerator,

and you were allowed to have as much squirt as you wanted. Was there like an 18-wheeler of squirts that overturned? We hit the big time! If anybody asks you where these squirts came from, tell them they fell off the truck. Next season of Fargo. It's just a great squirt heist. One time I finished second in the costume contest at the boys club.

Yeah. And I won like two cases of Diet 7-Up and two cases of strawberry carnation instant breakfast. So you lost? Yeah, exactly. And I just had Diet 7-Up around my house for like four years afterwards because no one wants it. You know, I, unlike you guys, i don't like to squirt the windows i never feel like it works correctly really maybe i need a higher you know maybe i need a higher gauge of wiper maybe i need a more powerful solution maybe it's like you know when you go to the you know you get your oil changed or whatever right and they top

off the fluid. They're giving you generic. Yeah. I might be getting some sort of low gauge sissy fluid. So here's the thing. So I feel like every time I squirt that window, it just gunks things up. I like to use the squeegee at the gas station. That's interesting.

So I like Rob. I love. I feel powerful every time I squirt my windshield. It's all you have. Yeah, exactly. And it's also the only thing I can fix on my car. I know where the juice goes in and I can pour it on in there, but I do it constantly. And I love having a nice crystal clear windshield to look through. And not only do I live in Los Angeles like you, Rob, but I also live next to a dirt mountain. And so the dirt mountain just comes onto my car. I don't have a parking garage. So I park on the street next to the dirt mountain and the dirt mountain just, in a day, my car is covered with dirt from the dirt mountain.

It's weird because I live next to a big rock candy mountain. Oh. I hear that's where they hung the jerk that invented work. Any truth to that? Well, it's right near where the whiskey flows. Oh, yeah. I mean, you did great in the hoboing business, and you want to find a nice place to retire. Sure.

I just hopped on this moving podcast as it was going by. You know, I remember. Sorry to get on my high horse here. I remember when the Big Rock Candy Mountain neighborhood was for hobos. Now you got these yuppies moving. Before it was Big Rock Candy Mountain Gate. Yeah. For the schools.

Yeah. Now you got these guys, these tech guys moving in, jacking up the prices on the shacks. With their Velcro bindles. Yeah. Exactly. Thank you. My wife never uses the squirt thing. Never.

So when I drive her car, which I do occasionally, not least because I do not fit in the passenger seat of her car, which is a strange phenomenon related to having three children and being six foot three, is that some people's passenger seats I can't fit into with a car seat behind me. So when I'm in my wife's car, I'm driving, and her windshield, it's like it was poorly tinted, basically. Like that is the amount of soil on her windshield. And it almost seems dangerous to me how much dirt she has on her windshield. And my wife is not a dirty person at all.

She is like she is a perfectly neat human being. She doesn't like she washes her clothes on time and everything. Like she's not there's no other part of our shared life where she is gross and dirty. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like she also never does the dishes or something. It's exclusively the windshield. I wonder if you just get used to, you know, in L.A.,

you just get used to the visibility being bad and your eyes just kind of acclimate and... Well, I think she doesn't... It's called dirt eyes. Yeah. She, like, doesn't...'t. It's called dirt eyes. Yeah. She like doesn't. Like how there's those underwater frogs or whatever. She doesn't want to have like the contrast between the wiper part and the outside part maybe.

That's the best part. I know because you feel like you really accomplished something. That's like the middle of the Oreo, like just to see that. It reminds you how clean you got the central part of the windshield. But maybe, I mean, I'll devil's advocate here. just to see that. It reminds you how clean you got the central part of the windshield. But maybe, I mean, devil's advocate here, maybe she's working with a subpar blade. Maybe she's working with a subpar fluid because I, again, feel like before that thing gets better,

it's going to be worse for a while. Right. Yeah. Just pull over to the gas station and use the squeegee. I will admit that when it comes time to replace my blades, I go on that Sweet Home website where there's product reviews of everything and they tested everything. And I get just the ones that they say are the absolute best ones. And the same thing with the juice because I love how clean it gets when you got the nice blades and the nice juice. There are different brands of juice.

Well, I think especially there are different brands of juice. Different kinds of blue. I don't know how different. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how different they are, but I do think there is a big difference between the blades and especially new blades and old blades. Well, they just get gunky, right? Don't they just get soiled and greasy? Yeah, because they're just streaks.

You know, you don't want the streaks. I think that's what you're concerned about. It's a streak issue. But also sometimes you're squirting that fluid up there. It hits the gunk, and then you just got this gray gunk that's a little more liquid. Yeah, the poop thing like ruins the whole thing because you get the streaks of – you get like the poop arcs. Yeah, poop arcs. It's like Halley's Comet, like just streaking across here.

Right. Signaling a cult to kill themselves. So I asked my in-laws because I had never noticed this so particularly as I did a couple weeks ago. And my in-laws happened to be visiting. So I asked my mother-in-law and father-in-law. My mother-in-law and father-in-law have the exact same marital conflict. They, too, like myself and my wife, have an almost conflict-free marriage. They've been married for 40 years entirely happily.

But the greatest, I stumbled upon the greatest conflict in their life. Like as soon as I mentioned it to my father-in-law, he's like, yeah, Beth won't clean the windshield. I don't understand what's going on. They like share, and it was, it exploded. It went to 10 in a heartbeat. It was astonishing. I didn't even know this was a controversial issue.

I just thought, clean your windshield. It's a hereditary thing, maybe. I think it must be. It must be like a recessive gene. Yeah. You think that's possible? Yeah. Boy, I don't want to scare you.

How are your children's windshields? Are some of them- My are are like little romeo they just all drive around in uh tiny land rovers oh those don't have windshields yeah so i have gold leaf ceilings okay that's pretty good uh things i remember from master p's episode of cribs is the category alex um i also i went got nude. So because I use the juice so much and because I have a car, I think, that uses synthetic motor oil, so you only change the oil every 10,000 miles, I definitely use up the juice before I am going to this. It feels like you never use it up. It's like one of those things like aftershave cream, which is like it may take a decade to replenish it. Yeah, but I am fully capable of replenishing it within 3,000 miles.

Yeah, I have a weird tube of hand cream that I got as a gift that has been to three apartments. That it just keeps, and every once in a while I'm like, ah, there's that hand cream. Anyway, it still seems to be good. I don't seem to be getting poisoned from it. Listen, we have a meaningful relationship. Yeah, me's that hand cream. Anyway, it still seems to be good. I don't seem to be getting poisoned from it. Listen, we have a meaningful relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Me and this hand cream.

I went to the auto parts store today to buy new juice because the juice comes in a – it's a gallon. You going to O-O-O-O'Reilly? Yeah. Might be a regional thing. I went to AutoZone, get in the zone. Get in the zone. And I don't think there is any store in the world in which I feel more uncomfortable than in an auto parts store. I mean, like, there used to be a gun store right by my house in San Francisco, and I was afraid of the gun store, but I never went into the gun store.

And there was definitely a wig store that I was kind of worried about, like always made me uncomfortable walking past it for some reason. Sorry to drop this on you, Jesse, but you're currently at the gun show. Jordan's flexing. And the wig show. Oh! gun show. Jordan's flexing. And the wig show.

Oh! Now we're showing off our giant pecs and fake bushes. Yeah, I think it's important to note that as Rob said zip, he was showing off a merkin. Yeah, and not his actual. Using space work. Improvised space work. I think people hear it in the booth. They can feel it, you know, the performance comes through.

Can I just jump in on something about that? Yeah, please. We'll go back to your podcast conferences and AutoZone story. Have you guys heard this thing about in Guardians of the Galaxy that Vin Diesel stood up on stilts to record the Groot thing? I did hear that. I've seen photos of him on the stilts. It's impressive. It's confirmed. Yeah, yeah.

There's photo evidence. To feel tall. To feel tree-like. No, but that's the only thing he did was tall. He didn't, like, you know, grow, you know, He wasn't wrapped in moss. He didn't inject, you know, xylem and phloem into his feet. It'd be awesome if he just taped a branch to his head.

Vin Diesel is so serious about his bad acting. He really seems to like put everything he has into his mumbly one note performances. Each of those three words he said he workshopped for the audience.

Yeah, he had a different guy, a different coach. For I, Am, and Groot. Have you ever seen that like short film that Vin Diesel directed that like made his career? I have not.

It's about him being an actor and going to auditions and stuff and you see this um you see this short film and it's like what got him cast in the in uh what was the spielberg world war ii movie that he was saving private right save it private private ryan that was like jim belushi you're thinking of i often get jim belushi and like i watch it one day this is like on youtube Like I watch it one day. This is like on YouTube. And I watch it one day.

It's like 20 minutes long. And you watch that and you would think that Vin Diesel was good at acting from watching that. Like you could watch that and you can completely see Steven Spielberg thinking, I should put Vin Diesel in my real movie. And it's now, what, 20 years later, and Vin Diesel is an extraordinary success, like an astonishing

success. Yeah, worldwide star. But has done nothing but prove how bad at acting he is. Like, he, like, you would think, from watching this short film, like, you would think you from watching this short film like you would think this is a genuinely gifted artist sure like you the the short film that made vin diesel famous should involve him pumping iron or something right like somebody should have seen a video

of him at gold's gym and said that that guy is the guy that should groove. Vin Diesel wasn't always Chunky Buff Guy. That has been in the back half of the Fast and Furious. He was like a normally sized handsome guy. Really? And then he only recently turned into a giant triangle. Is that because he's become a 50-year-old? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. He's like, ooh, better grab some HGH while I can. Yeah, yeah. So I think giant ham man is only a recent development. Semi-recent, anyway. Are famous action stars juicing? That's a great question. I don't know.

I think they probably are, right? I think you have to, right? How else could you get that ripped? Right? Like as ripped as like, you know, Thor. Sure. What's Thor called? Hemsworth.

Hemsworth. Hemsworth. You know, I will, and this is a frequent topic on the show. Yeah. But I. Other men's muscles. Other men's muscles. Here are some men I would like to ride around on the backs of.

Yes. First of all. Yes. Or be in a ride around on the backs of. First of all. Or be in a Bjorn on the front of. Here's some drawings I've made. Number one, Sonic the Hedgehog. Yeah. Number two, Shadow the Hedgehog. Number three, Knuckles the whatever Knuckles is.

Spiny Anteater. Okay. Thank you. Now I'm going to keep you confused with Nobbles. Yeah, spiny anteater. Okay, thank you. Now I'm going to get confused with nobbles. I miss this. Oh, nobbles. I like to do a little swimming at the West Hollywood Public Pool. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And by the way, I just want to applaud the West Hollywood Public Pool on their extended hours. Great work. They've extended their hours. They've got, yeah, we don't have a lot going on. It's cumin and a public pool. And squirt.

Keeping those tax dollars away from those ne'er-do-wells in East Los Angeles. Thank you. They started being open from 6 to 7. From late evening. Does anyone actually swim there or is it just sort of like the promenade into the, you know? Well, yes.

Here's who swims there are men who look like they are auditioning for the role of Wolverine. Yes. Wow. The men at this pool. And I would be inclined to believe you when you see that, you know, shirtless, you know, that shirtless promo photo that comes out of Pratt or whatever pre-New Guardians movie. Does the filter get clogged up with mutton chop hair a lot? Yeah. Oh, no.

These are hairless men. These are more silver surfer types. Yeah, real silver surfers. So, yeah, I would be inclined to agree with you, except I pretty regularly see that jacked a man in public moving very quickly underwater. This sounds very healthy for your self-image. Oh, boy, it's terrible. This explains your whole comedy career, I think. Yeah, yeah.

I know. Right. I've just been thrown into hunk pools for all my life. Hunk pools. I grew up in Orange County, but my mom would drive me to West Hollywood for swim lessons so I could see the hunk. See what real men look like. On the topic of self-image. Yeah.

Well, let's double back to all this. Yeah. Namely, by all this, I mean most fuckable Sonic the Hedgehog characters. Yes. We, again, frequent topic on this show show don't tell anyone the celebrity they look like yeah we have a rule rob for your benefit that we try and share with our audience regularly which is you should never tell anyone they look like anyone unless the person you're saying they look like is in part famous for being attractive.

So it doesn't – and an important clarification here is if you find the person that you're comparing them to attractive but they are not famous for being attractive, it doesn't count. So you can't say you look like Steve Buscemi and then afterwards say I find Steve Buscemi very attractive. Right, sounds like a backpedal. Congratulations to you but I want people who are famous for being good looking. I only equate people to porn stars.

Do you get that, Rob? Do you have anyone that people will keep telling you that you look like Conan actually told me that I would often call me the late Steve Landisberg I don't know who that is you do he's from Barney Miller the guy with the glasses and the kind of nebbishy guy

and he did a bunch of ads for like air conditioner filters or something that's probably where you know him from I'm guessing yeah and you know obviously this is all a little bit different with Friends. You know, you're close friends. You can compare anyone to a cast member from Friends. Yeah, absolutely. They're all good looking.

The guy who worked at the coffee shop. Yeah. The monkey. I would love to look like that monkey. Famous monkey. But I... Marcel. Yeah.

I think that is the name of the monkey from Friends good pull that's just my guess for every would you say that Friends is your favorite

totally 90s sitcom does Rugrats count I'm going with Rugrats I love Rugrats so 90s I love Doug the Anteater I don't know I used to watch

Arthur Clarissa explains it all oh yeah just by myself in a darkened room. Totally appropriate, I think. Just imagining going in through her window like that friend of hers. Always went... Anyway, the other day, at a social event, introduced to somebody new. Nice fella.

Hey, you know who you remind me of? Wait, can I guess? Is it Chris Hemsworth? Was it not Chris Hemsworth? Is it the other Hemsworth? Nope, not Liam. Which Hemsworth is it? Black Sheep Dwayne Hemsworth.

Yeah, Coco Hemsworth. It wasn't a Hemsworth at all. Is it Terry Crews? Not Terry Crews. Terry Gross. God, I wish. I wish. Have that kind of scarf game?

Come on. Oh, boy. Scarf game tight. Can be held in someone's hand, the palm of the hand. He's like, you look like, what's that guy from The Princess Bride? Inconceivable. Inconceivable. And I'm like, Wallace Shawn?

Carrie Elwes? You're like, you better be talking about Carrie elwes you're like you gotta be talking you better be talking about terry right yeah i'll take you know what i'll take andre the giant i'll take rodent of unusual size yes yes i would much rather be a rodent of unusual size wallace sean all time low for me can i tell you can i tell you something that i would like to hear please if someone came up to me and said jesse you really you know what your polemical plays remind me of those of wallace sean sure um you know what your but only if you find those plays attractive right i really want to fuck those plays right in the act two do Do you know what your really heartfelt and hilarious voice work in the Toy Story films reminds me of? Wallace Shawn.

These are all great examples of ways to be appropriately compared to Wallace Shawn. But not looks or vibe. I will not. I remember one time, I don't remember why, but I was watching Clueless and for some reason I was fast forwarding through it maybe to get to a certain scene

because I was trying to find something. Sure. Like some quote. The mighty, mighty Boston performance. Go ahead. We know.

If you fast forward through it, you see a lot of Wallace shot like really fast shots of him like leaning in and squinting because that was like sort of the main thing he did to his class

because he was sort of doing this very like this very accurately thing I think because he was like this heavy I think as the teacher. Sure. Because he was sort of doing this very, like, this very accurately thing, I think, because he was like this heavy, I think, as the teacher. Sure. So he's like, you see, like, he's sort of like a hedgehog moving in for the kill, just like over and over again.

Wow, that's a lot of that. I didn't know he was in the movie that much. Wallace Shawn is, I just interviewed Wallace Shawn the other day for Bullseye, because he wrote a very beautiful new book called Night Thoughts. And I, first of all. He was working on them, working on those night thoughts.

Yeah, exactly. Go ahead. First of all, I love Wallace Shawn's work. And I loved talking to Wallace Shawn. One great thing about Wallace Shawn is he is very proud of Clueless. He is very proud of his work in Clues the Film and the television program. Whoa. In which he also starred

He was one of the few cast members who made the jump. And I say to him, good for you, sir, because Clueless is great. Yeah. And also, here's another interesting thing,

did not understand what was funny or good about The Princess Bride, so just had Rob Reiner act out the lines for him, then copied Rob Reiner. Wow. Isn't that amazing? Totally great. Yeah.

I mean, Wallace Shawn, a brilliant guy, hilarious actor. Actually, I think a very good actor. I really meant that. Every time I see those Toy Story movies, I think, like, man, he really brings a lot to that character. Like he really brings some pathos to it in addition to having a funny voice. But yeah, memorize basically the equivalent of Gerard Depardieu memorizing his lines fanatically. But more continent. Yeah, exactly.

And I'm going to say this goes both ways yeah i've had people you know on twitter or wherever tell me like hey i've got a friend who looks just like you don't tell your friends they look like me they will google me and they will probably take it poorly don't tell your friends they look like jordan morris i was in the psa yes from the human council i was was watching Netflix last night, which is a popular, Rob, for your benefit, is a popular internet streaming service.

It's so-called network flicks. Yeah. Oh, it's network flicks. Streams video content. Network flickers, yes. I know, they're flicker shows. And I don't, I no longer have shows that I watch without my wife.

So like – That's actually a genre on Netflix. You don't watch without your wife. Wife shows? Wifeless shows. Like my wife and I will watch television together most evenings for about half an hour after our children go to bed and before we collapse. Got it. And there are a few shows that we watch together.

We've been – lately we lately been watching search party, which is really fantastic. Yeah. It's really something really an interesting and great show. We watched that wet hot American summer. Love that. But we, I no longer have a thing to watch when she's not around because I just don't

have time to watch television. Like there's no time when I'm both not taking care of the kids and not spending some time with my wife that I love. So I had 20 minutes of such time and I realized I wanted to fold my laundry and watch something I didn't know what to watch. And so I just picked a show that is like a Canadian knockoff of American Pickers. Okay. But I want to be clear, not Canadian Pickers, the Canadian spinoff of American Pickers.

Sure, this is, yeah. North American Pickers. It was called... Canuck Choosers. Yeah. Is that offensive? What was great is they constantly, it is the exact same format as American Pickers down to every single element is an exact copy of American Pickers except instead of Pickers, they're constantly calling themselves Diggers, which is great. But there is a –

You're going to want to enunciate on that. There's a guy on this show which is called like Backroads Bargains, Backroads Bonanzas, something like that, who looks – like people are constantly sending me pictures of people they think look like me. And that usually just means they have short hair and a big beard. But this guy genuinely distressingly looks like me in a terrible hat. genuinely distressingly looks like me in a terrible hat. Like looks like me wearing a hat that you would wear to a mechanical bull bar in 2004. You know what I mean? Like a lady would wear on a wild night out. Sure.

If a girl was going wild. Yeah, and she's also wearing one of those. Yeah, how many gallons is this bad hat? Oh, metric, mate. So it would be how many liters? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. A 7.5 liter hat. Like she's also wearing one of those stretchy T-shirts with an all over print of Ganesha on it. Yeah.

You know, like a straw cowboy hat, but for people that aren't cowboys at all. Yeah. Anyway, this guy looked distressingly like me, like to the point where when my wife walked into the room, I said, hey, get a load of shitty me. And she was like upset by seeing him on the screen. And the whole time that I was watching him, he seemed like a perfectly lovely man, by the way.

But the whole time I was watching him, I was like, that guy looks a lot like me. And then as I like looked at him, I thought, oh yeah, I guess that's why I don't work in television. But in Canada. Yeah, go up north. You're hot for Canada. I know. You can pick.

You can choose. You can dig. If I get an area of expertise in a secondary market, I think I could be a TV star. I have a question. So in the Canadian version, are Canadians biochemically able to haggle? They just raise prices. 5,000 Canadians for this. Okay. I'll give you 7.

Yeah. Each episode is 40 separate transactions because they're just so short. The guys just agree to pay. On the topic of Netflix. Is there anyone that you would like to be compared to, Jordan? How do you feel about, people are constantly tweeting at both of Netflix. Is there anyone that you would like to be compared to, Jordan? How do you feel about, people are constantly tweeting at both of us,

they include me in this one a lot, that you sound like David Cross. I guess sound doesn't bother me. It's weird because David Cross is from Georgia. Sure. I mean, I have southern roots. Maybe that's what they're detecting. You're from Georgia? Yeah. You sound a lot like David Cross. I do. I mean, I have Southern roots. Maybe that's what they're detecting. I'm from Georgia. You're from Georgia? Yeah.

You sound a lot like David Cross. I do. I get that none. Yeah. Except you don't say like fucking after every word. That's true. Yeah, yeah. I swear slightly less than David Cross.

Like, is that one? How about that one? I don't have any problem with sounds like. I mean, it's kind of one of these things like, I've heard it. Like, thank you. There's nothing to do about it. He will will not he doesn't want to do anything with me like is there an i think it's it's it's a suggestion that we team up somehow that i that i resent is there is there an audio engineer who pitched that like yeah you guys are in the

same frequency yeah maybe you know if if david cross if they're doing new arrested developments and he can't be there for an adR session, you need somebody to yell like, hey, hey, George Michael, I'll do it. You can just use that one, actually. Just clip that out of the podcast. What about, okay, is there a handsome, for either of you, is there a handsome version of you?

Like a couple of times in my life, somebody has said to me, like mostly if somebody says I look like somebody it's like boy george which i look like more when i didn't have a giant beard and i did have longer hair and more hair but like and that's you know it's fine i don't you know and the hat yeah exactly and i was constantly wearing boy george and then the eyeliner and um the like purple uh uh the like purple blush. Boy George wears some outrageous shit on his face. But I feel like a couple times people have said I look like Ashton Kutcher, which is very generous.

People being kind. But like definitely Ashton Kutcher is like me if I was like four out of ten more handsome. You know what I mean? Is there somebody that people compare you to that is favorable? No. It's all, yeah, no. I get Stephen Hawking. That's the more.

Well, I mean, I find Stephen Hawking very attractive. I, personally. I find him very attractive, Rob. Good. So you're one of those people. Yeah. Right. Got a heart on right now.

Yeah. His brain is very sexy. It is. Hawking. Now, granted. Hawking kind of sounds like fucking now. Yeah. His brain is very sexy. It is. Hawking. Now, granted. Hawking kind of sounds like fucking, right? That's a really good point. So when I hear hawking, I think, if you don't enunciate.

Some of that David Cross is coming on in here. Yeah. Yeah. So no. Yeah. Basically, everybody who people say I look like is like a comedy performer who will play an ugly person um and you know good comedy performers that's your mom yeah yeah my mom's uh yeah yeah how about uh one time say to one of us uh you know what your funniness reminds me of your sense of humor i'll take it

oh i'll take it i will take it funn, I'll take it. You know what your funniness reminds you of? I will take it. David Cross. David Cross. Sounds great. Phrase it like that. That sounds great. I'd take a you look like David Cross, too.

Pretty handsome guy. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. He definitely, like, you know. Also juicing, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. He's totally juicing. 100% juicing. I don't know.

I've seen him at the pool. He's got a lot of 100% juicing. I don't know. I've seen him at the pool. He's got a lot of rage. Fast underwater. That guy's so rageful. Right. You know who else is juicing? Brian Posehn. That's why he made that album Nerd Rage.

Sure. Hey, speaking of nerds, Rob, you wrote a graphic novel recently. And I was made aware of this because I was browsing my social feeds during Comic-Con. You were on social? Oh, yeah. I'm blowing up social. Okay. Influencers, retweets, getting out there, joining the conversation.

Hashtag brands. Hashtag brands. Hashtag love and life. Yeah. Hashtag milk. Hashtag cumin. Love and life with cumin. Hashtag Q-man. Love and life with Q-man. Hashtag Q-man.

If Brian had named this episode hashtag. This will be the first time someone hashtagged Q-man. You just made history, I think. I was browsing the feeds looking at everybody having fun at Comic-Con, and I noticed, like, hey, Rob is at Comic-Con signing signing his graphic novel i didn't know that was something that you did and i wanted to ask uh how that was being one of the not one of the attendees there but one of the guys people were coming to get the signature of the term is professionals excuse me professional this is professional industry professional right how's the door There's a separate door for professionals.

Is it a cool door? Yeah, it's awesome. Is it like a French door? Right. It just plays like funk as you walk through. Oh, wow. The door kind of dances. Oh, word up.

What's the word? But you only walk through it for about like 0.1 seconds, so you only get a fraction of it. It's like, what? What? They hire Cameo to be there and play it live. That helps a lot. That's nice.

He said yes when they answered the phone. Yeah. Atomic door. Bow, wow, wow, yippee, door, yippee. Bow, wow, wow, open, close, open, close. Oh, these are examples of door funk songs hashtag door funk I'm human

I want the world to close that is both adore I taste good on land and I taste a little more

human disco I guess yeah alright fine you know we can quibble. Why don't we? Let's break that open. That's why people listen to podcasts.

Yeah. So you're going in a secret door. Yeah. Do you have access to any secret snacks? I don't think anyone at Comic-Con has a problem with access to snacks. Just from a cursory look around the room. Do you automatically get introduced to Lucy Lawless? 19 women who look like her.

Yeah. I think who are dressed like her. Got it. Spot the real Lawless. That's right. No. Well, I was actually there with the Conan show. Conan does a Comic-Con week of shows there.

So I was already there anyway. And then I had this thing coming out. So I kind of maneuvered a little bit. And I got Golden Apple Comics to let me have some space on their table. And I knew a guy, and I got a badge. And so I would, like, do this work on the Conan show and then, like, run down to the convention center, which is, like, a half mile away in the San Diego heat,

and then, like, do the signing. You're probably the only one there running. Go ahead. You got it. You got it. Even the flashes move incredibly slow. Sure. The flash. Really worked up a sweat, and you were the only one there running. Go ahead. You got it. You got it. Even the flashes move incredibly slow. Sure. The flash. Really worked up a sweat

and you were the only one sweating. Wait, no, never mind. I was trying to fit in. Yeah. Yeah, so I just went down there for actually only two times I was actually at the floor. But, you know,

like when you're there, have you been? Yes, yeah. So, you know, the whole thing is like this ocean of cosplay and, you know, you can sort of be at Comic-con without being of it or. Sure.

Yes. So you sort of floated atop it. Yes. I crowd surfed. I silver, silver crowd surfed all the way to the convention center. Are people, are people,

were you more capturing people who happened to be wandering around comic-con or was there a line of, uh, Kuttner heads, uh, who were there for the old signature Rooney? The term is Kuttneritos, first of all. Okay, thank you. No, I mean, I did put out socials. I did hit people up on the socials.

I did sort of advertise, but it's such a huge place. But that's actually what's cool about it is that there's an ocean of humanity and just people will just come by booths. And also, like, you know, people who are into that stuff are, like, super enthusiastic about weird, new, interesting things. And they're like, you know, a lot of Comic-Con is kind of like, well, you know, it's Green Lantern 5, you know. So that's kind of cool, but it's kind of, like, familiar.

So, like, anything that's kind of interesting, you can kind of just grab people and just talk to them about it. And that's really fun and they're enthusiastic and cool. None of them buy a single copy, but it's great energy. What is the book about? It's called Shrinkage. Yeah, it's not about that, except maybe on a subtext level. It's about your favorite episodes and catchphrases from the television show Seinfeld. That's right.

Yeah, stay tuned for the follow-up, Puffy Shirt. Marble Riot. Yeah, Marble Riot. It's good, too. Same episode? It's sort of a fantastic voyage thing where tiny aliens who feed on radiation invade the president of the United States' brain in order to hijack him and turn him into a puppet who will create World War III. I mean, who could imagine such a thing happening? That sounds more like a sort of a network multicam idea. Is that something that was –

That's a backdoor pilot. CBS. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. So go on right after mom. So then we shrink down two people who are comically mismatched. Oh, sure.

And they go in to fight the aliens inside the president's head while he's trying to do his job. Did you consider a variety of types of comical mismatch? Is it solely physical? Is it also their approach to windshield wipers? Oh, okay. That's right. A cumin and a coriander type, if you will. They're actually completely compatible.

That's our ebony and ivory. Cumin and coriander. Can't we be compatible in a curry? Nice curry. I will say that I read Shrinkage. I picked a signed copy up at the aforementioned Golden Apple Comics. Thank you. And I'm counting on this to put my kid through college, by the way.

This sign, I've kept it very mint. Did you bag it and board it? Bagged it and board it. Acid-free? Yeah, acid, of course. No, I'm kidding. There's barbecue sauce all over it because I read it while I was eating. And you were snarfing barbecue sauce with laughter, right? That's what happened?

Exactly. Yeah, yeah. For the years. I got mine mounted rampant. Ooh. There are – it totally reminded me of when I was a kid and I would read Mad Magazine. There are just 15 great dumb jokes on every fucking page of this thing. It's so funny. The thing I have been laughing at since I read it is, you know, it's a send up of our kooky political system. Jesse, I know what you think of these guys.

All establishment for him. Yeah. Rob, just so you know, just by way of sort of context for you. This is a running bit, so hunker down. It's a little long. A lot of times we don't talk about politics on the show. This isn't a political show, and I'm a journalist after all. But once in a while, we make an exception.

Here's the reason. I don't know if you've ever been to the circus, Rob. There's tons of acts at the circus. There's three rings. Just like a callback. It'll just kind of let it run out. Is the circus a lay? Bears riding bicycles.

There's all kinds. There's a ringmaster, of course. But my favorite act of the circus is the clowns. Now, the circus is the perfect place for clowns. If you go to the- I was going to say the clowns in Congress. If you go to the big top, you're there to see the clowns. If you go to the I was going to say the like clowns in Congress. If you go to the big top you're there to see the clowns.

You're there to see their pranks and their hijinks whether it's squirting water in each other's faces or juggling scarves. But if you go

Very challenging. If you It's kind of a beginner's juggling thing. That's how they teach you. If you go to Washington D.C. Clowns are the last thing you want to see.

But I challenge you to go to the halls of Congress right now and not find 350-some purebred, white-faced, red-lipped clowns. Real yuckalucks up there who are supposed to be

representing us and our interests, but instead they're wearing fright wigs and giant shoes, getting out of tiny cars, slapping each other with noisy boards. These clowns who are supposed to be furthering our nation are instead putting on giant red noses, accentuating their features with paint. It makes me sick. Tusk. You haven't mentioned the ones who jump off of a tall building to a comically small trampoline.

That's really good. Oh, boy. When the president is giving a press conference, there's a- Seltzer bottles! Naming content. You're like the villain who came back after being shot. His hand comes up through the wreckage. Hammers!

Squeaky hammers! I wanted to say a quick story about the signature question. Please. About putting your kid through college. Yeah. So I used to write for The Daily Show, and I was there when we did the America the Book. So we had a signing in the Barnes & Noble in Union Square, which I think is probably now a juice bar of some sort. Maybe a Chase Manhattan, I think.

It's just Guy Fieri's Barnes & Noble now. That's right. It's an Elmo costume store. They come pre-dirtied, so they're very dirty. Those are handmade. Oh, by artisans. Those are bespoke on several. Oh, I didn't know that.

Someone is saving the rag trade in New York City. So we're at the signing, and it's a very nice crowd, and people are coming by at the end. And it's the whole writing staff and Jon Stewart, for some reason. And these dudes come by, and they just have a huge stack of books. And most people come by like, hey, we love your show. The book's great, et cetera. Just nice people. We sign them for them.

These guys don't even make eye contact. They're just cold as ice. And a few hours later, I don't know why, but someone goes on eBay, and they see the books with our signatures on them. And they see the ones with just John's and his are at a much higher price. So my signature detracts monetary values. It actually takes money away from me. So I should have just bought a signatureless shrinkage.

Right. Oh, boy. My favorite joke in this thing is the president's giving a press conference, but he doesn't want to take questions from any legitimate media outlets. So the only guy he'll take questions from is a guy from Surfing and Sick Air Weekly. Anyway. He throws softballs. Yeah, yeah. We've got to take a break.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we've got sponsors on this week's program, including our friends at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter. Are you hiring?

Jesse, I'm going to ask you a question. Yeah. I know you're going to ask me a question. I'm asking Zip Recruiter. Are you hiring? Jesse, I'm going to ask you a question. Yeah. I know you're going to ask me a question. I'm asking you a question. Yeah. Are you hiring? I literally am hiring. Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

Gosh, I don't know. I was just going to type it into the search bar on my web browser and hope that worked. Jesse, with Zip Recruiter, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites with just one click. Over 100 job sites? Yes. That's why ZipRecruiter is different. 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within, how long do you think? How long do you think it takes?

Six to eight weeks. One day. Holy shit. 80% of employers find a qualified candidate in one day. 24 hours. Find out why ZipRecruiter. Is that metric or standard? No, standard day. This is an American day, Jesse. This is one American day in God's United States. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ go. Jordan. Yes. I want to try ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Jordan. Yes. I want to try ZipRecruiter as a small business owner myself. I don't want to have to pay to do it.

Is there anything I can do to make that happen? It's a little greedy of you, but you remember a couple seconds ago when I said ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo? Right. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. What's that? A web address? It's a web address.

Type it into your computer or mobile device. Should I use my web browser? Sure. Okay. Chrome, Safari, I don't care. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. I use Opera. Is that going to be okay?

That's great, baby. Loads faster. Love it. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go, and you can try it for free. For free. Holy moly. So one more time, to try it for free, I go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Yeah.

Find the perfect candidate for your job. Oh, by the way, Jordan, we have another sponsor on this week's program. I'd love to hear about him. Jordan? Yeah. I know you love aprons. Boy, do I. I mean, dress them up, dress them down.

Versatile aprons. Sure. Black tie, white tie, gray tie. Sure. To the office. Yeah. Happy hour afterwards. Uh-huh. You got to have aprons. Sure, black tie, white tie, gray tie. Sure, to the office. Yeah. Happy hour afterwards. Uh-huh.

You got to have aprons. The beach on weekends. Mm-hmm. What's your favorite color of apron? Boy, I mean, there's so many great ones. Primary colors got to be some of my faves. Right, of course. Well, those, you don't have to mix any other colors to get them.

I'm going to say, of the aprons, which I love, my favorite is Blue Apron. That is an amazing coincidence because we are sponsored this week by Blue Apron. But this isn't an apron. This is an amazing meal kit that for less than $10 per person per meal, they deliver you seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Yeah. And they are actually, because folks out there are busy. Yeah.

For one thing, they're busy picking out what Jayburn to wear to bed. Sure. They are offering, our friends at Blue Apron, offering quick meals that you can make in 30 minutes or less. The same farm-fresh ingredients, the same high-quality recipes. It's still this frou-frou, gorgeous, delicious stuff that you expect from our friends at Blue Apron, but these are ones that you can do in literally 30 minutes.

That's half of one hour, and that's a standard American hour. Jesse, I'm looking at some of the upcoming Blue Apron meals. There's a lot of delicious stuff here, but there's one I want to highlight. Okay. Is it the skillet vegetable chili? That's not the one. Is it the garlic butter shrimp? That's not the one.

Is it the summer vegetable and egg paninis? It's the soy glazed pork and rice cakes with bok choy and marinated green beans. Oh, let me at them cakes! Let me at them cakes. If you want to try three free meals, three free

meals. With free shipping, you go to blueapron.com slash JJGO. Blueapron.com slash JJGO. A better way to slash jjgo. Blueapron.com slash jjgo. A better way to cook three free meals. Blue Apron. Let me add them cakes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Rob Kuttner, poor follow-up to both of you. No. Everyone says, what, Rob Kuttner from Conan is here? Sure. That certainly is an upgrade on our normal fare.

Yeah. Someone who doesn't work for Conan and has never published anything. Yeah. Exactly. Like fucking Chris Fairbanks. I think he's been on Conan. He might have been on Conan. Yeah, he probably has been on Conan. Probably Chris has never published anything. Yeah, exactly. Like fucking Chris Fairbanks. I think he's been on Conan. He might have been on Conan. Yeah, he probably has been on Conan.

Probably Chris has been on Conan. Seems like if you were going to put Chris on a late night show, it would probably be Conan, right? It's kind of a springboard to this podcast. Yeah. First you do Conan, then he invites you over to the couch. That's why I played seven years ago. That's why I played.

Right, yeah. Long game, folks. Long game. Yeah. You got to do what you got to do, you know what I mean? Sure. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally get that Conan spot that's going to launch you onto Jordan, Jesse, go. We ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Here's our first telephone call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Dana from Brooklyn calling with a momentous occasion. So it's been a while since I've been intimate with anyone, almost seven years. And I'm trans, so it can be difficult to find a partner. Anyway, today marks the third day in a row that I've had sex with two different guys. So happy analogous. Love the guys. So happy Analogous. Love the show. Bye.

Oh, yeah. Dope. Two. Two and three. Doing it for sure. I don't know when this will run. Yeah. We're kind of staggering the schedule because of some travel coming up.

But we definitely went all of August without wishing the listeners happy anal August. Yeah. Retrospectively, we want to wish everybody out there a happy and safe anal August. And remember, as long as you're happy and safe, any month could be anal August. Of course. And hey, just if you're shoving anything up there, make sure it has a flared base. That's what we hope that you'll take home from Jordan and Jesse. Go, not just this month, but every month of the year.

What does it say? No flare? Without a base, without a trace. Without a base, without a trace. For you, we— No flare lost up there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

There's a— No child left behind. No child left up there. That's incorrect. Is Anal August—that's the other half of the year from 15 February, right? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I get them mixed up a lot.

I have an app. It's a solstice thing. Yeah, yeah. It's measured relative to the solstice. Fall behind. Spring forward, fall back, get up in there. Yeah. There's a sign at this, there's a sex shop on Santa Monica.

Every August they put up the Happy Anal August sign. It's a promotion that they run and we've adopted it. Yeah, it's something that our listeners have found really inspiring and we try and, on Jordan and Jesse Go, there's a lot of joking and a lot of laughing. We also try and give back to the

community. And this is part of what we do to help everybody out there be the best of them they can be. Just repeating something that someone else came up with without giving them any sponsorship. Yeah, no. I mean, this is – No credit. No advertisement.

We're not getting paid and we prefer not to credit them except purely for clarification purposes. Yeah. Purely for clarification purposes. Yeah. The point is that, you know, as Jefferson or Benjamin Franklin or something says, he who lights his taper at mine does not reduce my flame or something along those lines. George Jefferson said that. Yeah. Moving on up, you know. Then he said, wheezy, wheezy.

Yeah. I'm paraphrasing, of course. Yeah. Actually, for this, it would be lube it on up. Lube it on up. No matter what side you're on. Sure. Lube it on up.

Hey, you know what? Maybe in the spirit of this call. Yeah. Should we declare the rest of 2017 a year of Analogist. Yes. So let's just say for this year, because we forgot, September, October, November, December, all Analogist. Really?

Yeah. That is extraordinary. I think the country needs it. Right. I certainly need it. Yeah. And I think that it would do the listenership good to know that the morals and the teachings of Anal August don't stop on August 31st. Nope. Spring forward.

Yeah. Fall back. Yeah. Get up in there. Yeah. A year of anal August. I recommend that everyone out there read that memoir of that ballet dancer who really liked it up the butt. What?

That was the title of it. That was like what the memoir was about. And there was like a lot of stuff in fancy, like the New Yorker and New York Times. But Richnikoff. I have Emmys, by the way. Well-deserved, sir. Well-deserved. One was just taken away.

Yeah. Granted, you stole them while visiting the Senate. Cheers. Yeah. So that's my recommendation, just for enrichment. Yeah. For an enrichment program. Sorry, did Butt Richikoff dance in the Butt Cracker?

Hashtag Butt Ballet. Hashtag door funk. We're all working on it. We're all doing a Rolodex right now of like on one column. What about ballet do I know? Yeah. You can take the man from the Admit Night, but you can't take the Admit Night from the man. It'll never be cancelled in my heart.

Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Kristen calling from New York with a momentous occasion. I just opened a new box of Special K and poured myself a bowl. Something was

not quite right with the texture of the cereal. I ended up pulling shards of glass out of my mouth this morning. So I'm hoping I didn't swallow any, but I think only time will tell. All right. Love the show. Bye. That's dope.

I want to hear more about foreign objects. That's nice that she's so calm about this. I would call that very special, Kay. Yeah, sure. Lawsuit Kay, is it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it seems like she's got some money coming from the General Mills Corporation or whatever, Kellogg's. Is that what the K stands for?

What do you think you can get out of some shards? Boy. You know how just once a year- Friends fly free vouchers. Friends fly free. You know how once a a year... Friends fly free vouchers. Friends fly free. You know how once a year Captain Crunch does oops all berries? Yeah. Oops all glass.

Oops all glass. Oops all shards. Yeah, you get oops all shards. Yeah. Whoopsie daisy mouth trauma. Bloody surprise. Yeah. A prize after each box.

Yeah. And yeah. So I think that. I think you get access to special cereals. The Shardrock Shake. Mm-hmm. Once a year. Once a year.

And the McShiv. The McRib, but it's been sharpened to a point. I definitely, I feel like this is a subject I want to open out both on our Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com, and on Twitter with the hashtag JJGO, and from folks calling us in 206-984-4FUN. What foreign objects have you found in your consumer products? Yeah. Are you one of those frog burrito people? Yeah. I feel like every time you hear about one of those- Which way does that go, by the way? Because, you know. I found a burrito on my frog. Oh, I got that on over, you know. I found a burrito on my frog.

I got there on the other side. This frog ate a tiny burrito and swallowed it whole. That's cute. Foil's still on. Yeah. What were we about to say, Jordan? I feel like that's every time you hear about this person is suing this company because of a thing and a thing. It's always a frog.

And, I mean, it always strikes me as a scam. This person just found a frog and shoved it in a thing so they could get it. How would that not be noticed? Yeah, that seems too big and weird. Is that like what happens when you're disappointed at the results of a frog jumping contest? Yeah, right. You take your guy and shove him in a box of cereal? Yeah.

Take a few pictures for Instagram? Yeah, I think so. See what you can get out of it? It's like the equivalent of sending them off to the glue factory. Right, exactly. You're going to be a Carl's Jr. scam. I mean, I'd like to know what people have found at Frog Game. Give us a call.

I've never found anything in anything. Yeah, I don't think I have either. Rob, you found anything in anything? No, but now I feel like I could up my game. Yeah. I'm going to start looking. Let's all find found anything in anything? No, but now I feel like I could up my game. Yeah. I'm going to start looking. Let's all find some stuff in some stuff. For some reason.

For Adalogus. For Adalogus. Yes, in the spirit of Adalogus, year round, let's find some stuff in some stuff. For some reason, when that woman said that the texture of her special K seemed wrong, in my head, I was absolutely already had decided that she had accidentally gotten raisin bran in a special K box. Oh, that would be funny and cute. That would be adorable. Yeah.

But. It's not as cute as finding a frog in there. Nah, those guys are great. They got those big hoppy legs. Sure. Where are you going, buddy? So she had special K and it tasted delightfully crunchy. She thought something's wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. There's more flavor in this than there usually is. Oh, it's glass in my own blood. What's in a Special K? I think it's just a flake. I think there are variants now where you get a little freeze-dried strawberry or a freeze-dried blueberry. Yeah, like astronaut strawberries

go in there. Yeah. The ones that are discarded by NASA. Yes, yeah. Too oblong for NASA. It's going in the box. Why did it take so long for them to add freeze-dried strawberries to our favorite cereals? I mean, I think probably the technology just wasn't there. They're not cheap enough. I think they're all in the pocket of wet strawberry. Yeah, wet strawberry sends its goons over.

Nice desiccator you got there. What are you using it for? Be a shame if some moisture got into these strawberries. Be a real shame. Just be a strawberry goon. 206-984-4FUN or JJGo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Go.

Going into a Bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work. I don't know what's going to happen. Oh, that's interesting. I never thought about that. Is that possible? That's possible. Yeah. Should I check with your therapist?

No, but I will, man. Who are you, dude? You all over the place. I got a lot of respect for you, man. That's dope. Bullseye. Creators you know. Creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Hey, Londoners. Do not miss out on your chance to see the Beef and Dairy Network, Jordan Jesse Go, and Judge John Hodgman live at the London Podcast Festival from September 13th through 17th.

Tickets are still available. So realize what you've done wrong and fix it. Get those tickets. For more information, go to MaximumFun.org and check out the live shows on the right side of the page. Go!

Do it! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la to respond. Yeah, no, it's true. I'd probably sext him back. Yeah, see what happens. If Wiener, I mean, that is an iconic sexter. Absolutely. It seems like you would be, how could you say no? I know, it's just like I have it on auto-reply, you know. My penis is out of the office. Just call back.

An auto-response dick pic. I think that would be a good way to get people to stop emailing you on break. Auto-reply dick pic. I think that would be a good way to get people to stop emailing you on break. Auto-reply dick pic. Innovative. Yeah. Innovative. Innovative. Another sponsor. We got a lot of good stuff.

Cuman. Auto-reply dick pics. Hashtag auto-reply dick pic. We're rolling in it. This week's Short and Jesse Go is coming to an end here. Oh, boy. Rob Kuttner's got a brand new book. It's called Shrinkage.

You can purchase it at your local comics book retailer. Actually, no. Only in LA you can get it at Galapagos. Otherwise, you have to go to my website, robcutner.com slash shop. Or on Comixology if you're the digital kind.

I like to go to robcutner.com slash shop, but I mostly just go there for the hot teas. We send them to you hot. Yeah. Enormous amount of energy. Right. And wasted packaging goes into that. Scalding.

Yeah, you get scalded. It just splashes in your face. I recommend opening a tap. We have like a hot, cold running water tap. Got it. It goes right from my teas to your house. Got it. Got it.

I have read Shrek Engine. I think it is very, very funny and cool. I think it is definitely, if you are a fan of comic books and zany humor, you should definitely get a copy. It's great. I really loved it. Can I just interject? Please. I feel like we're marketing to the wrong people.

No, I know. Like, listen, I know all of you out there probably don't read many comics. They're more interested in, like, the containerization of international shipping. Yeah. Knots. Sure, I know. We have a nautical audience. God, you guys, the bookends, it's amazing.

But if you out there are listening to this and you're like, oh, I have a friend or I've got a, you know, a sibling or a cousin who likes these comic books, let them know that shrinkage is terrific. When you go for your weekly visitation. Yes, yeah, exactly. At the home. Yes, your estranged grandfather. Let them know shrinkage is where it's at. I loved it. Can I ask a favor of our audience?

Yes. Oh, I'm okay. I was going to let that hang there for a few minutes. Can I ask a favor of our audience? Yes. Are you okay? Oh, I'm okay. I was going to let that hang there for a few minutes. I got a tweet from somebody the other day that said that they love Jordan Dressigold. They've been listening for years and years and years and years, but they would never recommend it. It's their little secret. Don't do that.

That's a bad way to think about it. That's the. Don't do that. That's a bad way to think about it. That's the worst compliment ever. Yeah. It's like the you're attractive and I think this person's attractive. Yeah, it's

I will fuck you when I'm drunk. It's that of podcasts. I want to make this week Jordan Jesse Go fans go public week. Yeah.

Out and proud. We have therapy groups. We want to connect you. Victims of Jordan Jesse Go We want to connect you To other people Who've suffered Through this program Hi my name is Tomas

And I've been listening For five years Hi Tomas Yes I realized What a waste it was So this week This is what I would like to ask

Yeah If you're a Jordan Jesse Go fan If, if you enjoy Jordan Jessy Go, whether you're new to it or whether you've been with us for 10 years, whether you're one of these people that started on episode one for some reason and then have listened to every single episode. If you've only listened to the two Rob Kuttner episodes. Yeah, if you're just a – Sorry for my mom. Yeah. Real cut maniac. What just a – Sorry for my mom. Yeah. Real cut maniac. What were they called?

Cut Noreto. I'm going to sing that to Despacito in just a minute. Oh, boy. That would be great. What I would ask of you is this week, recommend Jordan Jesse Goad to someone. Yeah. You could throw in an Apple Podcasts link. Sure.

Throw in a link to the website. Share it with someone you tolerate. Yeah. Someone that you think has a lot of time to waste. Sure. You know? Yeah. Someone who's upset with the amount of radio lab repeats there are.

Somebody with a lonely job. Mm-hmm. Someone who has run out of Canadian dickers to watch while folding their laundry. Yeah. Someone who's already completed listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself. Sure. Yeah, someone who is considering dipping their toes into

podcasts not hosted by McElroy's. A pet who needs something on so they're not lonely while you're at work. Yeah, someone who's doing an audio test for their recording software. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, or somebody who just wants to check out their stereo. Someone who's trying to keep the police on the line

so they can track down the killer. Are you in one of those lowrider contests where to test the speakers, instead of playing a song, they just play a tone? Yeah. We could be that. Blah. Yeah. It could be that. Blah. Yeah.

It could be a really long ringtone, too. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, I think this is a perfect ringtone. You listen to the whole episode before you pick up the phone. Every time. Yeah. Hello? Hi, John, it's your mother.

Rang and rang. I listened for about 70 minutes. It's my beloved character, John's mom. John's mom. Hi, John. That's what she's famous for saying. I gave birth to you anyway. Which John is that?

John Frankenheimer. He also does John Bon Jovi's mom. He's saving that for his SNL edition. Yeah. Hi, John without an H. It's your mother. Your beloved in New Jersey. Anyway.

That's how that character goes. But sincerely, this week. Yeah. Recommend Jordan Jesse Goe. It was a good episode. Share JJ Goe. It was fine. Yeah.

I think we can make real headway. I think we can too. headway. I think we can, too. Think of it this way. If both of our listeners each tell two listeners, then they tell two listeners, then they tell two listeners, and so on and so forth, we'll be rich. Yeah. Cha-ching. It'll be like analogous in September. Yeah.

And this Skin So Soft lotion also repels bugs. Oh, my gosh. It does it all. Yeah. So that's what I would like everyone out there to do. On the boards this week, Daniel Baruela,

our thanks to Daniel and our thanks to our beloved producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Brian's going to be back very shortly. Sure. Any day now. Yeah. Brian's heading back

from sunny old England. Sunny old England. Don't put that there. Sunny skies. Is that what we're back from sunny old England. Sunny old England. Sunny skies. Is that what we're calling rehab nowadays? Yeah, exactly. Rob Kuttner, thank you for joining us this week. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica.