Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 498: Live at MaxFunCon East with Cristela Alonzo and Stuart Wellington

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

Recorded live at MaxFunCon East with special guests Cristela Alonzo and Stuart Wellington with music from Annie Hart.   Head over to the Maximum Fun YouTube Channel for VIDEO of this episode!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, guess what? This week's Jordan Jesse Goh comes to you live from Max Fun Con East at the Inn at Pocono Manor in probably Pocono Manor, Pennsylvania. Yeah, that's what I assume the name of the town is. Jesse, can you tell people a little bit about Max Fun Con before we get into the episode?

Max Fun Con is a gathering of several hundred of our most awesome fans. We all get together and this year, what do we do? We watch MacGruber. Yorma Tacone recorded a special intro to MacGruber for us. We had an amazing stand-up comedy show. We had a good old time basically. And this year, we did Jordan Jesse Goat and we had Cristela Alonso there along with our friend Stu Wellington from The Flophouse. One of the funniest guys.

Maybe the funniest guy. Certainly the handsomest guy who is willing to be friends with me. Yeah. And also, there's a special musical guest if I remember correctly. Ah, yes.

Annie Hart. She has her first ever solo album about to come out. She's also a member of the great band Au Revoir Simone. So, why don't we go

to the stage? Thank you. Why don't we go to the stage? Good morning, Max Von Kahn. How are you? Thrilled to be here. Jordan, do you mind if I open things with a dedication? I insist you do. I like to open every Jordan, Jesse, go live show with a dedication. I feel like it helps keep me centered and helps keep me

thinking about how important other people are in the world, even as I absorb your... Jesse, you know what I love about you? What's that? You're so present. You're just present. You know. You're not lost in your device. I try and work on my gratitude practice.

Mm-hmm. So I just want to take this opportunity to dedicate this Jordan Jesse Go to the marmot that was wandering around outside the window. I'm going to be frank. I didn't really know what a marmot was until I saw that marmot. I didn't really know what a marmot was until I saw that marmot. If it weren't for the fact that our friend John Roderick is a feral mountain man from Alaska who knows the names of creatures. He's like, yes, I've killed and eaten one of those. Yeah. I think he is in line to host a reboot of Wild America with Marty Stauffer.

But I was thrilled to see that marmot. but I was thrilled to see that marmot it turns out a marmot is a kind of tailless beaver or very fat groundhog like a rolly groundhog that maybe eats grass so here's to that marmot

we love you very much marmot R.I.P. R.I.P. make God laugh. God's grass, maybe. Hey, before we start the show, got just a little bit of housekeeping. The resort here needs us to do some announcements. We'll get to the show really quick, but there's just a little bit of housekeeping. The resort here needs us to do some announcements.

We'll get to the show really quick, but there's just a couple of announcements. Yeah. This is just like, again, Eric handles most of the logistics, but sometimes the resort doesn't trust Eric with the information. They hand it straight to us. Poor diction, they said. Exactly. This is specifically especially for those of you who are staying for the rest of the weekend

or are going to be here for a few hours after the show, we just wanted to make sure that everybody had the announcements from the venue. So this is the first one. We'll probably just cut this out of the podcast. This is a little bit of housekeeping. Right. Did you know that the inn at Pocono Manor was once a stop on the legendary Borscht Belt? That's a fun fact.

Stop by our museum of classic show business exhibits like Danny Kaye's White Dinner Jacket, Buddy Hackett's original joke book, and Milton Berle's Monster Schlung. They've pickled it. Add a little bay leaf, you know? Artisanal. For spice. Oh, here's something interesting. It's Pennsylvania Heritage Month here at the Inn at Pocono Manor.

Stop by the cafe at lunchtime for one of our famous Quaker State hoagies made with Scrapple, Hershey's chocolate, and a paper-thin slice of the Philly Phanatic. R.I.P. Make God laugh. Make God wonder what you are. The resort will be offering two activities this evening. Snobs should don boat shoes for the caviar reception in the aviary. Slobs pull on some jorts and head to the rumpus room

for sloppy joes and down and dirty fucking. A lot of class warfare going on at this resort. A little bit of bad news. Unfortunately, the ghost of the drowned Victorian child who ordinarily haunts our halls by night isn't available to bedevil us this evening. She has asked us to read this statement. Dead by dawn, dead by dawn, never breathe again. Then it's just a bunch of jump rope rhymes. I don't think we need to read the whole thing.

Some bad news for those of you in a romantic mood. Our signature heart-shaped jacuzzi tub is currently out of service. If you're feeling amorous, why not invite your lover to join you in our other signature tub in the shape of the irascible Barry Tyler Moore show star, Ed Asner. Beloved, beloved figure. Oh, here's something cool. We've recently renovated our game room. The upgrades include a few of the popular European-style games, including Settlers of Catan, Socialized Operation, and a guy in a Speedo making eyes at your wife. An announcement from the resort's yachting club. Tuesday marks the fifth anniversary of the time we got drunk,

accidentally killed Chad, and dropped his corpse over the side. Thanks for your brotherhood, your seamanship, and your commitment to our vow never to speak of the incident again. What a thrilling half decade it's been. It's just a fun thing from the yachting club. Oh, finally. You might have heard reports of a grizzly bear roaming the premises here at the inn.

But don't worry. Grizzly bears never roam east of the mighty Mississippi. What you may have seen is a pervert in a bear suit. Some resort announcements. Some resort announcements. Some resort announcements. How are you doing? You having a nice Max Run kind of? I am, yeah. We had a little

travel issue. What was that? We had maybe a four hour plane ride here from LA. Six, but yes. Not a super long one, but you know. And my greatest fear is having nothing to do on a plane.

Right. Because then like I'll just have to like read the in-flight magazine and then think about the mistakes I've made. Or, I mean, if you're lucky, you could learn the good news from your neighbor. Right.

It's happened to me on a couple of planes. Good news to your right, chemtrails to your left. Is there a ministry of evangelizing to people who are sitting next to you on an airplane? I feel like maybe that is one of the rules of one of those mega churches.

Right. They just take a lot of like our commuter flights. Yeah. Um, so yeah, so I always like over pack stuff to do. I'll have like, you know,

I always have like, I'll take my laptop. I'll have like a big stack of comics, all the magazine. I had a USA today. I like stopped and got a USA Today on the way. I'll have a novel. I have a PlayStation Vita.

I just have this like huge stack of stuff. You know how like... Some word searches. Yeah, you know how like when you take a child on a car trip, you just give them a backpack so they shut the fuck up. Wildlife bingo. Yeah. I just like over...

And you know, I usually just end up watching something on the like in-flight screen right uh this time i watched triple x the return of xander cage we'll get to that later uh but so you know like but i have this backpack that's essentially you know preventing me from being bored on the plane so i packed, didn't use a lot of it, and then I'm unpacking here at the thing. I didn't bring underwear. I didn't. So I, like, Rene from Can I Put Your Dog In? I drove to Walmart, and I just bought a five-pack of Hanes.

I'm picturing you. Which are lovely. If anybody wants to see them, I'll show you in the parking lot in 20 minutes. I'm going to leave after 20 minutes. I was picturing you in your hotel room trying to fashion underwear out of one of those magnetic draw mustache on a guy's face toys. Because I had that. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just covering my penis with a suruku right now excuse me sadaku um it's pronounced ichiro oh okay okay uh did you have a nice time at walmart though yeah a very nice time at walmart i feel like if you don't i i think if walmart is a really regular part of your life it could get depressing because of the sort of fluorescent lights and pervasive sadness. But when you're on vacation and you go to a Walmart, it is like an adventure where there's just everything in the world is available to you for $1.96. And that can be very exciting. It was.

It was a real treat. I once had to go to a Walmart to buy a flag. And I felt like a king. I was like, I'll take four things of bananas and one side table and some swim trunks, you know? Here's the thing about XXX, The Return of Xander Cage. Thanks. Good transition.

Thank you. That's my go-to. Have you heard the good news about Xander Cage? He's back! And he's better than ever. He faked his own death in the first one. I have never seen a Xander Cage movie. I've seen original Triple X. I saw that in the theater.

Maybe you can fill in some of the gaps. The things that confused me, maybe you can help. Well, here, I'll give you a little context for it. Okay, please, yeah. He's very extreme. Oh, cool. Yeah. So he's my daddy's secret agent, right?

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The furthest thing from your daddy's secret agent. So, you know, like I was watching on the in-flight screen. It's sort of, think of it this way, Jordan. It's a way of capitalizing on Vin Diesel's natural affinity for skateboards. Right, yes, sure. He's already doing that.

We might as well film him. Yeah. So I was watching on the in-flight screen, and it was censored for content. So I couldn't tell what was just a terrible line and what was them having to replace a swear. So there's this part where this hard-boiled FBI agent is like, these Wahoos waltzed in here like it was Sunday brunch. And I'm like, was that the line? I have been playing a video game called The Witcher 3, which I think there's probably

some Jordan Jesse Go listeners in here who know how compulsive I got about the video game Skyrim, to the point where i had to give up video games for like three years because i couldn't look around without imagining myself gathering lavender to make a potion uh but someone uh a listener actually you actually got hooked on lavender right i sure did dangerously so i'm I'm in L.A. right now, not Los Angeles. Lavender Anonymous. And so, but a kind of... Hi, I'm Jesse, and it's been a month since I've made a potion. Hi, Jesse. I've been focusing on grinding out some Smith skills.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah, yeah. But a listener sent me a new Xbox, and my Xbox died, and he works at Microsoft, and so there's just a pile of them there. And so I bought this game, Witcher 3, thinking, because people said this is like the Skyrim of the new Xbox. So I'm like, I'll buy this. This is the most baffling single media product I have ever engaged with in my entire life. If I know something about this game, it is that it's based on a series of Dutch fantasy novels.

I can only presume. Someone scream, Polish! I'm sorry. Because that's why you're... Sorry, what? Okay, what country is the Witcher from? Poland. It's from Poland. Because, right, there's that...

That's what happens when you expand the European Union. Yeah. You get disasters like this. Oh, that does explain the mission where you have to put the screen door on the submarine, right? Yeah. This video game opens with literally you know they have cut scenes in video games which are like little animated movies that interrupt the fun of the game it opens with one that is literally 20 minutes long sure i'm sitting there like you already you know you wait an hour or

whatever for it to go into your xbox and then you start it up and you're like great here comes the fucking lavender and this movie was like game of thrones if you like translated game of thrones into vietnamese then back into English. Like, it was the most perplexing. It's something about magical people that there's a war on. I guess there's a Witcher 1 and 2. And there's like... I couldn't...

I cannot overstate the extent to which I was confused by what was going on and bored, just so bored. And eventually, like, you finally get to this place. Like, after you go through this whole thing where this kid, and I don't know, there's a butt. Right in the beginning, there's a butt. Like, they're like, yeah, butt. Like the beginning of Lost in Translation. Right, but. Like the beginning of Lost in Translation. Right, exactly.

It's like a cross between the beginning of Lost in Translation and, like, computer animation roughly of the quality of Thomas the Tank Engine. And similarly erotic. Which is to say, very. Yeah. Henry's pretty cute. So, like, you go through this whole confusing thing, and then there's, like, a training sequence,

and then this kid runs away, and then for some reason you're in this village, but you're with this friend of yours who you've never met before, and you're like, finally, I get to play the game. And the thing is, is, like, you're in this pub or whatever, and you have to find a lady that you're chasing. That's the story of the game. You're in this pub or whatever and you have to find a you have to find a lady that you're chasing that's the story of the game you're chasing this lady and p.s the previous half hour has nothing to do with you chasing the lady it's just all about fucking i don't know werewolves or

something and so you're in this pub and you're supposed to talk to the people to find out where the lady is and i'm like great i'm finally going to do something. So I'm talking to the people, and literally the first thing that you do in the game is you talk to this guy. You have this long, translated from English into Korean and back into English sequence. Oh, and as in all video games, the protagonist talks like this for no reason.

There's no reason for all video game protagonists to talk like Vin Diesel, but they all do. He's like a tall elf man, and he talks like that. But the first activity in this game is you have to learn a made-up card game that exists in the world of the game. I'm like, can I fight a fucking wolf or whatever? And they're like, no, learn these new rules.

Finally, a chance to play a board game in a secret, in an imagined world. Oh, it's a nightmare. How did the XXX continuity treat you? Confusing. At some point, Ice Cube shows up. They zoom in on people like I'm supposed to know who they are. Steven Tobolowsky

is there for no reason. Right. Ned Ryerson. Yeah, no. Yes, please. If anybody... You know, why don't we just devote the rest of the podcast. Someone come up and explain The Witcher and Triple X to us, and we'll just listen patiently.

P.S. Please don't do that. Yeah, please don't. Let's introduce our guest on the program. I would love to. You guys saw her headlining the comedy show on Friday night. She's a brilliant stand-up comic with a hilarious hour special on Netflix

right this very moment. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Christelle Alonso. Hey guys, what's up? Hi pal, how are you? Is the prequel to Triple X, Double X? Yeah, they just started with X starring Vin Diesel.

It's called 2XL and it's about a T-shirt you can wear in the pool. Did you think it was a porn when you were about to watch it? I was. Triple X. I'm like, oh, boy. Okay. Fences, maybe. Ooh, what's this Triple X?

I don't think I've ever seen an entire Vin Diesel movie. What's the most of a Vin Diesel movie you've seen? Like half of Fast and Furious? You're good. You get it. You've seen what he brings to the table. He's a mumbling meat triangle

who hates sleeves. My family, like half of my family is from Mexico and they have accents and I can't understand what Vin Diesel is saying. Yeah, he is right. Vin Diesel is from some sort of like floating world that has its own accents. Hey, what's up? Yo, boom. We had a really fun car trip in.

We carpooled. Yes, we did. here from Newark. Yes, saved the world. And we had a delightful One Hit Wonders XM station on as we were driving in. Yes. You know most of Criss Cross's jump. You can sing. Yeah, it's a wiggity, wiggity, wiggity whack, of course.

Yeah, yeah. You can sing. Yeah, it's a wiggity, wiggity, wiggity whack, of course. Yeah, yeah. Everybody knows that. It sounds like Jordan is wiggity, wiggity, whack. I know. I know, right? I've never felt more whack. I know. I can do the whole one about missing the bus. Actually, Janine's the one that mentioned that one, and I was surprised

that I knew those lyrics, too. It's like, she talked about the bus, and I'm like, and that's something that I'm ever, ever going to do again. And I'm like, how do I know that? I had my best friend, Peter Fraunfelder, when I was a kid, had a friend named Brooke. And Brooke loaned him his crisscross tape, and it became a permanent gift.

Yes. And so when I was at Peter Fraunfelder's house, we would listen to the crisscross tape. But the gorgeous part about the crisscross tape was Brooke had owned the tape previously. And so when we got to jump, which is what you, I mean, sure, everybody loves I Miss the Bus and I'm Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Going to Do It Again. But jump is the jam, right? You would get to jump and they would do the verse. And then Brooke had hit record and recorded himself saying,

jump, jump. So now you're disappointed when you hear it. Yeah, that I don't hear my elementary school acquaintance, Brooke. Yeah. You know, I actually, in high school, somebody gave me, one of my best friends gave, I don't know if she was my best friend now but she gave me for my birthday uh the saturday night live book celebrating like

i guess the first 30 years at that point i don't even remember then she she gave it to me and then she asked to borrow it yeah and never gave it back to me. So she kind of bought herself that book, right? By the way, Christella, we got you this bowling ball that says Homer on it. I don't know. Simpsons trivia yesterday. I don't, you know, I think everybody, you know, has that, like, you know, thing they do at a party to break the ice or when they really want to like, do you know, uh, for the premise of this thing, I'm about to say, no, I actually do not. I have nothing. I have not taken improv class. The sad thing is I totally haven't. But you're lying, asshole. Yes. And more like no butt. Dr. Alfonso, hand me that scalpel.

Is it really a scalpel? But you're a plumber. And we're all on the moon. Cristela's improv teacher taught the unusual strategy, oh hell nah. Bitch, please, that was the method. This shit's lame. Discourage people from doing improv um but i remember in college uh jesse's thing was you could do the entire crisscross sprite rap oh hell yes the s to the p r i t e can it's a lifesaver

when you need thirst quenching like a kiss with a llama twist. Now you know that's kicking. Word? Word. Drink up is what I gotta do. Why? Because I like the Sprite in you. Did it just get hornier in here? How horny

is it? Do you guys remember, I don't know, I'm 38. Well, you don't know. I'm 38. Well, you don't remember that I'm 38. I just told you. But when I was in fifth grade, McDonald's had a campaign where they had a wrap and they listed everything that they sold on the menu in the wrap.

And if you memorized the wrap and went to McDonald's and performed it, you could win a million dollars. That was the thing. And I memorized it, and my mom wouldn't take me to McDonald's. And I hated it. We are throwing away a million dollars, mom! Big Mac, McDLT, a quarter pounder,

with some cheese filet, a fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal McNugget, Stacy order, fries, a smaller and a larger size. I knew the whole thing. And like, I can't tell you my driver's license number, but I have that still in my mind. Why don't we remember that kind of stuff? I think we are the youngest people who also grew up in an era where a premise of a thing was just that it was a thing but with rap.

Yes. Like no quality in it. Like no, just somebody was like, oh, we should do this, but with with rap. Like no quality in it. Like no just somebody was like oh we should do this but with a rap. Say it fast and rhyme. And just like the guy who wrote like you know

Pure Imagination for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is like 67 years old and McDonald's calls him like do you think you could write a rap? And he's like I don't see why not. It's just talking. Is the McGriddle out yet? Should I put that in there?

It's not for another decade. Yeah, he foretold the McGriddle. Yeah, I think that was also, I mean, like, I think we are also the youngest people who live to remember the era of NFL rapping. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yes. When the NFL's two activities were football playing and kicking rhymes.

And I think, yeah, and I think we, people introduced us by their name and then told us what they were here to say. Uh-huh. Something, something, something, major way. Well, I know that in my lifetime, I learned to wave my hands in the air, and I didn't care. Yeah. So, it's all good.

A lot of kids care these days. They care too much. Which is a nice thing about millennials. You know, like, I really support millennials. They keep their hands to the side. Yeah. And they're concerned about social issues

we care about everything you know one of the things you don't hear a lot about that I think is actually kind of righteous about Gamergate is being upset that those SJWs won't wave their hands in the air

because they care too much I wish I lived in a time where I could wave their hands in the air because they care too much. Yeah, sure. I wish I lived in a time where I could wave my hands in the air, but I'm woke. That's how Doug E. Fresh became an anti-abortion activist. He's upset. Something else about Triple X, The Return of Sandra Cain, is that like you know the the the the soundtrack is is is panderingly filled with dubstep you know but occasionally they'll also throw in they'll also throw in a record scratch so it's just like the worst parts of movie soundtracks from the past 30 years.

Well, I think the really amazing thing about that XXX movie is that, I don't know, I feel like when I moved to Los Angeles, the thing that struck me the most was the extent to which you would see a 47-year-old dude dressed in a surfing t-shirt skateboarding down the sidewalk. Yes. And this is that in movie form like vin diesel is like 50 yeah and the premise of this movie is that he's like the world's most beloved skateboarding secret agent yeah like that kind of guy it's just like who you would pity because he was like trying to fuck the hostess at a TGI Friday. Like, that's the real world version of that guy. We've all been there. No, sure.

Hi. Yeah. You kind of seem really obsessed with Triple X after. Did you just see it that one time? I just saw it the one time, yeah. You have been, like, it affected you. Yeah, I guess it did. It kind of affected you.

It shook me to my core. It affected you. Yeah, I guess it did. It shook me to my core. I mean, one of the interesting things about XXX is I did not see XXX2 starring Ice Cube, but I think we can all agree that while Vin Diesel has his charms,

Ice Cube is actually a good actor and performer in a way that Vin Diesel is not. He has a little cameo at the end. Ice Cube does. Spoiler. Sorry. Oh, boy. Stay for the after credits sequence, guys. He kills a bunch of dudes

with a grenade launcher. There's just an after credits sequence that's just Jackie Chan messing up stunts. He was not in the whole movie. Yeah, just him hitting his nuts on a fence. Ice Cube comes on screen for, you know, for ten minutes toward the end of the movie

and blows up some dudes with a grenade launcher. And you're like, oh, wait. Oh, charisma. Okay, here's someone who should have a camera pointed at them. Wait, so the end of Triple X is a callback to a movie that you might not have seen? Yes, yeah. Almost certainly haven't seen.

We're talking about Triple X 2. How is it Triple X 2? That's six X's. The whole... That's like six X's, right? If the two is in superscript, it's nine X's. Why am I watching math?

Crystal, did you have a plane activity on the way here? What did I do on my plane activity? Oh, this is going to sound lame, but it's totally true. I get trolled a lot online. And I get trolled by people that like to quote the Bible to me. So it's like you're sitting on a plane your entire life. So just that you're sitting on a plane your entire life. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Well, for years I know like your entire, like from when I followed you on Twitter a year, year and a half ago,

I would say 50% of your Twitter output was you trying to convince people that you were no longer making your network television sitcom. My show was canceled. Which is like a very emotionally difficult thing to do on Twitter. My show was canceled two years ago, and even this morning they're like, when is season two coming out? It's not. But I get trolled.

People quote biblical quotes to me. And I grew up kind of Catholic. Like, kind of, you like kinda you know like whatever catholicish yeah so i bought a bible on my kindle and i've been reading it to fucking bible them back yeah wwjd yeah and i feel really i feel like it's it defeats the purpose of the bible kind of but not really because i'm like i'm gonna outarch you about Jesus, and I'm going to have your ass. I say, my thing is, like, focus on the Old Testament. Get into that shellfish stuff.

Yeah. And just fucking, like, beard lengths, talking donkeys. Like, literally, that's what I did on the plane. I tried reading the Bible, and then I would stop to go on Twitter and, like, Facebook. Hey, Christella, I don't need anybody Christ-splaining to me, okay? Don't Christ-splain my faith to me. Christ-splain is hilarious. That's what I did. I did that on the plane.

And it's awkward because then I think the guy next to me saw me reading the Bible, and he probably thought I was one of those people. Sure, yeah. I was yeah, right, yeah. And I was like, hey, do you have two hours to spare? And just headphones on, ignored me the entire flight. He's like, I was going to tell her about how the earth is flat. Our friend, stand-up comedian April Richardson, who was on the show the other night, was on our flight. And she experienced the single worst airplane nightmare.

Yes. I would say, like, it's ranked this thing, then, like, severe turbulence where you think you're going to die, then person who wants to tell you the good news. And number one is the person next to her took off their shoes. Yes. Took off their socks. Yes. Yes!

shoes yes took off their socks yes then splayed their feet up on the seat backs of the people sitting next to them yes her bare foot was on the seat back in front of april april took a cell phone picture of it and showed it to us like you know like a blind rage, like four hours later, like still April's mind was driven exclusively by her burning hatred for this person who had put a foot in front of her. Of course. I think at that point just masturbate, you know? Like, well...

Not only that, masturbate barefoot. Yeah. Use your prehensile feet to masturbate. Yeah, that was some fucking raw realness. How are you enjoying the Poconos, Christella? The Poconos is really, it's a lot colder than I thought. Fuck weather. The weather told me it was going to be like 20 degrees warmer.

It was not ready. Went to Walmart. Yeah. Where I do feel like Bill Gates at Walmart. I can buy all of you times three. Give me 17 deck chairs. I know. I would like to buy a gun and a bra.

I love it here. Actually, I've been having so much fun at MaxFunCon. I've been meeting the coolest people. Everybody's really cool. So I love it. It's my first time in the Poconos. I wasn't sure what to expect.

I literally, Crisella, I invited you to Max FunCon, both because you're a wonderful stand-up comic, but we didn't know each other that well. But I think offhandedly when I interviewed you for my show Bullseye, you said you loved Doctor Who, and I said, ah, I've got an activity for Crisella Alonso.

Yes! Yes! I actually, ah, I've got an activity for Christella Alonso. Yes, yes. I actually, did I tell you this story? When I had the show, one of the co-stars on the show, he actually did a pilot with David Tennant. And that's my favorite doctor, duh. And he didn't

tell me. My favorite doctor is Oz. I'm an octopus man. I call him Oc. He knew David Tennant, and he didn't tell me. He invited David Tennant to a taping of my show. And this is like, you know, you're not ready for this, right? And I was in the middle of taping the show and I saw David Tennant and I thought I was hallucinating.

Like, I thought, oh my God, I love Doctor Who so much. I've manifested this with my mind. I can create matter. I'm in the middle of this episode and I'm thinking, like, fuck my lifelong dream of having a show. I want to see, like hallucinated like David Tennant

in front of me. A line kind of didn't go that well and just off in the wings a Dalek is suggesting punch ups you're like wait a minute what's going on I'm so into this like call me Rose and you know and after we wrapped I like my

co-star said I have a surprise for you. And I still was like, I think I imagined him. And he introduced me to David Tennant. And I lost my shit, started crying, and ran circles around him. I ran circles. I did.

I don't know what the appropriate name is, but I did a Chinese fire drill around David Tennant. And I was like, oh my God, you're David Tennant. He doesn't know who he is. He's like, oh my God, do you know you're David Tennant? You're my favorite doctor. Like bawling. There's pictures of me crying.

I just won the publishing clearinghouse sweepstakes. I mean, one of the coolest. David Tennant does travel with giant checks. Just when he meets a fan. He's like, can you do the McDonald's rap? Oh, my God, my life's perfect. Did it just get hornier in here. Hey, it's Jordan Jessigo.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You're listening to a live episode of Jordan Jessigo that we recorded at MaxFunCon East. And a few sponsors helped bring it to you. First of all, our friends at DSC, the Dollar Shave Club. It's a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered to your door. Jordan, you're a stubbleman. I'm a stubbleman.

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You cancel anytime you like. But first, I want you to go to dollarshaveclub.com slash JJGO. Get that great deal at dollarshaveclub.com slash JJGO. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix. Get that great deal at dollarshaveclub.com. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix. Jesse, I used Stitch Fix recently. Can I tell you about the experience?

I would love to hear about your experience using Stitch Fix. So I went to their website, stitchfix.com. And what you do is you fill out a little style profile for yourself. You tell them about the kinds of colors you wear, the kinds of events that you go to regularly. Your favorite bands. Your favorite band. Your favorite drummers. Sure, right.

You want them to know if you're a Neil Peart man. They want to know. No, you just kind of say some stuff about how you dress. Cold weather, warm weather. How do you like your pants to fit? And after you've filled out this questionnaire... Jabo Starks. Is that a drummer?

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Who does he drum for? The JVs. Awesome. Yeah. It's a great name.

Yeah. So yeah, after you've filled out this little style profile on stitchfix.com slash JJ Go, you get delivered a box of clothes. You try them on. You keep the stuff you like and you send back the stuff that you don't like. And you only pay for what you keep. And then they know what you like and you don't like even better. And then whenever you need new clothes, they send you special things that are just for you. They picked them out for you.

Yeah. Jesse, can I tell you something? Yeah. My new favorite pair of jeans came from my Stitch Fix box. Wow. That's fantastic. Yeah. I really liked them.

Not something that I would have seen in an apartment store. Something that they picked out for me. And I really like it. And something that I would have seen in an apartment store, something that they picked out for me. And I really like it, and I look forward to my next box. You can get this stuff monthly, quarterly, or whenever you feel like it. You don't need a subscription. It's easy. The shipping is free. You can give it a try.

It's easy. Get started now at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. And you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all five items in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo to get started today. Stitchfix.com slash jjgo. Hey, we've also got something up on the Jumbotron, Jordan. This is for Kane from Steph. The message is, happy one-year anniversary.

It's been an amazing first year together and I couldn't be more excited to see what our future holds. I love waking up to your face every day. You're my best friend and you make me so happy. I love you. Well, how sincere. Yeah, this is probably the most sincere Jumbotron

that we've gotten in a long time. And also, on the part of Steph, an absolutely colossal mistake. There is no doubt that this relationship is headed for the rocks if she is expressing love using our stupid show. Is it, could it be that these are two platonic friends and they're fucking with each other? Like, like, like the fact that it's so sincere is what's ironic about it. Yeah.

If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. It's cheap and easy, and we'll share your message with the world. Let's get back to the stage at the Inn at Pocono Manor in Max Funcon East. Well, speaking of music, should we introduce our musical guest? I would love to. Yes! She taught a class here at Max FunCon. She's a member of the popular band Au Revoir Simone.

Please welcome to the stage the one and only Annie Hart. Annie! Annie! Annie! Thank you. so I know you'll see Mars in the sky tonight I know you'll see Venus rising Veering off to the right Do you see the young star overhead It's the one that designed my undoing I know you see California The waves break on the beach.

I know that the foam on the breaking waves is as white as household bleach. Do you see that particular white right now? It's the color of the young star Coming on down I got joy, joy, joy In my soul tonight I got joy, joy, joy In my arms all around

Treat me badly Love you madly You really gotta hold on me You really gotta hold on me © transcript Emily Beynon Thank you. I never loved anyone like this It's so hard to be still Come around again And meet me on your way back home. I understand you now For the first time in years

For the first time in years She gave me what I want She gave me what I want She gave me what I want She gave me what I want you gave me what I want you gave me what I want I got nothing left to ask you for and I'll never give you up I'll never give you up I'll never give you up I'll never give you up I made a promise but it's more than that

Now Now Now Now Now Now Thank you. Annie Hart, ladies and gentlemen. Well, we have one more guest on the program. Should we bring him on now? I can't wait. Ladies and gentlemen, from the smash hit podcast, The Flophouse,

please welcome to the stage, Stuart Wellington. Stuart is sort of waving sarcastically. Stuart, you look like Marty McFly. I know. Like in a good way. I was going to try that out today. That's not a bad way to look like Marty McFly, though. No, no, no. I like it. I dig it.

Guys, can I say something real quick? I would love it if you said something. I mean, can you say something or are you chicken? Now I have to say something. You know, I used to define edging as... Webster's Dictionary defines edging as... Don't give us your standard Toastmasters bullshit, okay?

I used to define edging as, you know, the look on Roger Rabbit's face when Judge Doom is knocking, shaving a haircut on the door. But now I think it's me sitting in the audience listening to you guys talk about The Witcher 3 and Triple X knowing I can't say anything.

It was very difficult. So do you have, I mean, obviously, you know, obviously this audience doesn't want to be here for another 90 minutes while we play one cut scene from The Witcher 3.

Yeah. And then we'll watch a Metal Gear Solid cut scene and then we'll all go to sleep. With The Witcher 3. Yeah, I would love to hear some truncated thoughts on both of these things from you, Stuart. So The Witcher 3, the moment when I was like,

fuck this game, was probably an hour in when your character gets to go and get his hair cut. And I'm like... Wait, are you serious? Yeah, and I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm going and get his haircut and I'm like Wait, are you serious? Yeah, and I'm like Fuck yeah, I'm gonna get a haircut and every option still has a

ponytail And you're like, not my kind of fantasy Open world my ass What a game. And XXX, woo doggy. Any movie where the secret agent needs a DJ to accompany him on his quest is amazing. I actually, on my way to the airport in Los Angeles,

I listened to The Flophouse about the new XXX movie, which was, as all episodes of The Flophouse are, new XXX movie, which was, as all episodes of The Flophouse are, a delightful, delightful movie. Get out of here. And I was surprised to note that, spoiler alert, the three of you really enjoyed the movie. Oh, yeah. I mean, Jordan can't stop thinking about it.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to, on the plane on the way home, I'm going to turn to my right and say, have you heard the good news about Xander Cage? So when I was preparing a PowerPoint presentation on the XXX franchise, I discovered that you,

it's a very difficult movie to Google. Like, if you Google image search XXX Explosion, you're going to get some not-safe-for-work images. Sure, yeah. XXX Stepmom. From DJ to BJ. There you go. Yes, thank you.

Thanks, Christella. Write that down. There you go. Yes, thank you. Thanks, Christella. Write that down. You better ask her. Go with it. I'm selling shirts after this. From DJ to BJ. Well, Stuart, you and your friends on the Flophouse are known for watching some of the not best movies in the world.

Sure, you could say that. And I think that the three of you, and I'll be honest, mostly Dan, are interested in the erotic potential of these movies. For sure. And while you are no Dan, sir... I am not, no. And I wouldn't ask you to be. Thank you. We have prepared a special quiz

for the two of you here on this stage. Before we get into it and before I explain its connection to Dan, I would like each of you to pick... A person who's not here. I would like each of you to pick one audience member to represent in this audience because somebody is going to win a prize and it ain't going to be you two. Your prize is the love and laughter that you'll receive from the audience.

So who would like to be, from this half of the crowd, who would like to be Stuart's little person? Yeah. There's a fellow who stood up. There's a fellow who stood up with a backwards baseball cap on. Wow, yeah.

He's pretty cool. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Is that Jamie Kennedy? Donnie Wahlberg. What's your name? Ronathan. Ronathan? Fuck you, Ronathan.

Pick somebody else. I like family name. You're playing for Ronathan. Okay. Stuart. I'll just write, Ronathan's too long. I'll write Stuart and asshole. That's how it's spelled.

Cristela, will you pick someone from the crowd to represent? She's the first one I saw right here. Crystal. Cristela and Crystal. Oh someone from the crowd to represent? She's the first one I saw right here. Crystal. Cristela and Crystal. Oh, hey. Hey, girl. You should drink some Cristal later. I think those names have the same level of synergy as Stuart plus asshole.

Because of Stuart and his Slophouse's friend's interest in erotic Cinema We have created a special quiz For you called Skinamax movie or some shit We made up We'll be presenting you With three choices

Oh man I hope one of them stars Shannon Tweed One of them will be a real erotic Thriller Two of them will be a real erotic thriller. Two of them will be some shit we made up. But you're not playing for nothing, guys. We have two amazing prizes for the audience member who you represent, should you win. First of all, Jordan's got something special he's brought. Yes, in addition to my undies.

Four more pairs of underpants. I hope you like boxer briefs. I know this is actually something that I picked up while underwear shopping. This is from the $5 DVD bin at Walmart. It was right next to the underwear, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I didn't buy underwear. I just have my penis

through a DVD now. I'm like, well, I only have five bucks. Ma'am, I'm here to deliver this DVD to you. So I'll show this. So this is, so Keanu Reeves,

Brotherhood of Justice. And on the front is a picture of John Wick. This isn't John Wick. This is a movie from 1986 starring Keanu Reeves, Brotherhood of Justice. And on the front is a picture of John Wick. This isn't John Wick. This is a movie from 1986 starring Keanu Reeves and Kiefer Sutherland. They just put John Wick on the front. But also, in addition to Brotherhood of Justice, you also get seven other movies. Including The Wild Ride, Ministry of Vengeance,

Forever Mine, Confessions of a Police Captain, A Dangerous Place, Demolition High, starring Corey Haim, and Street Corner Justice, starring Brian Cranston. Whoa. Is Demolition High

a high school remake of Demolition Man? Right, yeah. That's like Walmart criteria. Yes. I love it. But that's not the only prize you'll win. Someone else went to a local store. I wanted...

God damn it. I wanted to provide something that you can only get here in the northeastern United States. So our winner will also take home this giant jug of Utz brand cheese balls. Did it just get hornier in here? The cheese balls come with six movies. in here. The cheese balls come with six movies. Cristela, you can't... Including Lil Face-Off.

Face-Off babies. Face-Off babies. It's directed by John Woo. Nicolas Cage is still in that one You only see his legs Good Muppet babies, Paul Yeah

Grisella, you came from further So we're going to let you go first Sweet Remember, we're going to give you three options Two of them will be some shit we made up. One of them will be a real erotic film. Got it. Here's our first question. Married people, single sex too, hotter than July. Married people, single sex too, for better or for worse or married people single sex to the secret of the ooze which is chlamydia one is real one is real which of these is real i'm gonna say uh for better or worse you You're absolutely correct. The correct answer...

Married people, single sex, too, for better or for worse. We're looking at the cover of Married People, single sex, too, for better or for worse. Is that the police synchronicity? Yeah, I feel like the director of the movie just handed the cover of synchronicity by the police to a teenager who knows Photoshop. Yes, yes.

Stuart, you're already behind. Are you ready for your question? Yeah, behind the eight ball. Yeah, yeah, give it to me. Question two. A, sexy search and rescue. B, sexy SWAT team. Or C, sexy accounts receivable.

Raise your hand if you've masturbated to any of these. I will tonight. So my heart's saying C. so my my heart's saying c your heart is always with with our friends and accounts receivable the true american heroes i'm gonna say sexy search and rescue incorrect i knew this i knew this i knew this i love sk this. I knew this. I love Skin and Max movies. I do. I love them.

There's a story. I know. She's a bored housewife who needs excitement. Sure. These Japanese women pictured are in SWAT team gear. But first of all, I think it's two of the same picture but flipped like we only got the photographer for 15 minutes he can take one shot see what you can do with it in photoshop but also like they're a SWAT team but they appear to be a karate SWAT team like she's doing like the

i'm gonna karate strike you pose i like that it's uncut and unrated so you get the director's real vision. They look like NWA fans. The studio notes kept saying make this less sexy. I won't do it. I have integrity. So, Crisella, this one's for you. Let's get a match with some shit we made up. but I have integrity. Yes. So, Crisella,

this one's for you. Let's get him actually some shit we've made up. Hobo babe, the romance of the rails, busty cops, stacked nurses too, the jugging.

Which of these is real? Hobo babe, the romance of the rails, busty cops, or stacked nurses too, the jug Rails, Busty Cops, or Stacked Nurses 2, The Jugging. Busty Cops. Busty Cops.

They are busty. To protect and service. Is that the official cops font? Yeah. Like, I'm a fan of the TV show Cops. Maybe this is like that.

Yeah. They're just like, we blew the budget on typeface licensing. We're going to have to hire porn stars instead of actors. Why is the S larger than the other letters? It's to let you know that it's extra sassy.

Back to you, Stuart. Question number four. The sensual kitchen, the exotic time machine, or adults only race car? One of these is real. Again, we did not make up all three of these.

Kitchen, kitchen, kitchen, kitchen. Show me kitchen. No. Exotic time machine. Take the ultimate pleasure trip. True to H.G. Wells' original vision. It's like Quantum Leap, but for adults. Sure, yeah.

Before the studio kept giving him notes to make it less sexy. I guess the Erotic Time Machine was already taken. Right. It's exotic. This one's for you, Christella. You've got the lead here. Which of these is real? Lady Chatterley's Lover, The Next Generation,

Lolita 2000, 30,000 Leagues Under Dee's Nuts. Which is real? I know for a fact it's the first one. No, Lolita 2000. Oh, that hurts. We may have made all the right answers. Yet, I was feeling kind of weird that I was so well-versed in Skinny Mac's movies, so I love that.

The forbidden stories. Lolita Y2K. It's just a really like sexy teenage girl like stockpiling canned goods That was made in like 2009 right? So it's a period piece? Yeah yeah

Remember 2000 when everything had a space background? Okay this one's for you Stu Okay 2000 when everything had a space background? Yeah. Okay. This one's for you, Stu. Okay. Below the sea of the hyper babes. Okay. Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens.

Or over the rainbow of the fruit flavors. This is a hard one. Again, Stuart, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but one of these is real trying to narrow it down between hyper and ultra i'm gonna go ultra vixens you're correct yeah six chicks in search of a cluck. A horny... Aren't we all? Here's the pull quote that's on the cover.

A horny little tale of Olympian togetherness. Faith healing, bra-busting humor, jogging, therapeutic cuckolding. Therapeutic cuckolding? That's got to be like porno category right and for the girls hulking herculean masculinity it has therapeutic cuckolding

because this was before they had invented ASMR cuckolding oh right yeah yeah I taught a seminar on therapeutic cuckolding this weekend thank you by the way to everyone who participated. So in that book... Wait, can I do ASMR cuckolding?

Do it. You're so much bigger than my husband. He never has time for me. Yeah. So is tail spelled T-A-L-E or T-A-I-L? Sure. Okay. Whichever way you want to go.

So hilariously funny. Marcelo, this one's for you. Okay. Which of these is real? Night nurse, mystery on party island. Lethal ladies return to savage beach. And I want to clarify, these are acronyms. The first word in each of these is an acronym.

Ultimate Gumbo, Celebrity Chef Paul Prudhomme's Secret Recipe. Night Nurse, Mystery on Party Island. Lethal Ladies Return to Savage Beach. Ultimate Gumbo, Celebrity Chef Paul Prudhomme's Secret Recipe. You guys, Jordan Jesse Go fans, won't be able Prudhomme's secret recipe. Oh, God. This is a hard one. You guys, Jordan Jesse Go fans, won't be able to guess who wrote that joke. Joke in quotation marks.

I wish I had a lifeline to use. I will say Lethal Ladies. Is that right? You're absolutely correct. Return to Savage Beach. It's part of the Andy Sedaris collection. A real master.

David Sedaris is an older brother who went in a very different direction. R.I.P., by the way. R.I.P. Andy Sedaris. The slogan of that one is, the big guns are back. Okay, Stuart. Sure. Here we go for you. I haven't really been keeping score, so let's say this one, I think Christella's leading

three to one, so this one's worth three points. How about that? Yeah, that sounds fair. It's the golden snitch. Christella, by the way, literally wearing a t-shirt that says, equal pay now. Chris Sella, by the way, literally wearing a t-shirt that says equal pay now. Shattering the glass ceiling of fake quizzes. Nixon preventing the passage of the Equal Rights Amendment is the only thing standing between you and multi-point questions, Chris Sella.

Here's your choices, Stuart. Skinamax movie or some shit we made up. Andromeda, the pleasure planet. Mm-hmm. Sexolopolis, city of love. Or Don Quixote, man of La Mancha. I'm going to go, you haven't lived until you've seen Sancho Ponce's crank. They fuck the shit out of that windmill, too.

Yeah. But that's what they're into. I'm going to do Andromeda, the pleasure planet. Fucking a windmill is called a Dutch fuck. A Dutch loving? Andromeda, the pleasure planet.

Andromeda, the pleasure planet. 18 and up. Yeah, looks like you've got the lead now. Uh-oh. By the way, Andromeda, the pleasure planet, definitely the Tron font. Yeah, yeah. now. By the way, Andromeda, the Pleasure Planet, definitely the Tron font. People are mad in the MaxFunCon audience if you say it's the Tron font and it's not

the Tron font. Not just because it's not quite the Tron font, but also because you said font instead of typeface. Alright, somebody just yell out one thing that's pissed you off about the show so far. No corrections? Okay. Well, just let me know after the show. No.

Let Papa John know on Twitter. Oh, yeah, yeah. At I am Papa John. Jordan? Okay. So this is... Okay. This is for... This is for all the marbles

We think we wrote nine of these So this is probably for all the marbles But there might be one more Anyway Which of these is real? Robotrix Star nurses Babe of the future Mamos

Mamos The breast nebula future. Mammoths. Mammoths, the breast nebula. Star nurse. Robotics. Robotics! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. It's Asshole!

Come on up and collect your prize. Come on up and collect your prize. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Camp, Laurie Metcalf, Felicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skylar Astin, Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy, Alison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette, Casey Wilson, Anna Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June Diane Raphael, Kiernan Shipka, Ed Weeks, Zach Knighton,

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Join us every Thursday on Maximum Fun's new podcast while we talk about book culture and solve your reader problems. Reading Glasses will teach you how to vanquish your to-be-read pile, connect with other readers, and get more reading into your busy day. No matter what you read or how you read it, we'll help you do it better. That's cute. Should we get on with momentous occasions? Yes.

Oh, wait, there's one more. Oh, wait, there's one more. Let's just do it. Yeah, okay. Okay, audience member, you have to yell out which is real. Okay. Okay. Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros.

Close Encounters of the Butt Kind. Felch Cassidy and the Sundance Clit. I think I'm hearing A. I'm hearing A. Let's see. It's Binney Jones. Yes! Starring Penthouse Pet of the Year, Heather Vandiven. The weird thing is I got kind of irritated that you didn't continue the Spielberg joke

between all three of those names. Right, yeah. Well, when Jordan thought of Felch Cassidy and the Sundance Clit. Yeah, you can't leave gold like that line on the ground. I guess we could have done all William Goldman movies or something. Alex, can you move this slightly to the side so it doesn't block the thing there? Okay.

We're going to get into momentous occasions. Earlier on on the program... I think there's another one. Shit, there's one more? Okay. You guys don't know how many you wrote? Listen, we just... We did some shrooms. We sort of went into a fugue state. This one's good. Okay. You guys don't know how many you wrote? Listen, we just... We sort of went into a fugue state.

This one's good. Okay. This is real. How did you give away the prizes? Oh, right. This is a fun one. Okay, the final one. One of these is real.

Sex Hex. Sex Chex. Sex Mex. That was my nickname in college. Yeah! Sex mechs. The correct answer is sex mechs. She'll love you to death.

Okay. When something momentous happens to you, like you realize there's two perfect jokes that you thought of that you haven't used yet. The Temple of Clit or whatever. What was that? Felch Cassidy in the Sundance Clit. And Sex Mex.

And Sex Mex. Which, by the way, is just fucking with a side of queso, which is a type of cheese sauce. Popular in South Texas. That's where I'm from. Yeah. When something... Is that good? Queso?

The thing that Texans are always telling you about? I was like, fuck you and a side of queso. Like the cheese sauce. I've never had the cheese sauce. Queso is very good. Yes, it's very good. It has to be the right one, but yes. I'm surprised to hear that it has to be the right one.

Oh, absolutely. If it were a regional delicacy that didn't right one, but yes. I'm surprised to hear that it has to be the right one. Absolutely. If it were a regional delicacy that didn't have to be the right one, it wouldn't be a regional delicacy. Hey, Mexican food has been gentrified. So you're against gentrified queso? Yes. Isn't queso just like Velveeta? No. Oh, God, please.

No, no, no. You offend me. Sorry. Sex Mexchs is angry. Sex mechs smash. Sex mechs. What is in queso? It's a different kind of queso, actually. It's more like a Mexican queso that you melt down, and actually when you get a little exotic,

you can add chorizo to it. Oh. It's not Velveeta. If you go to South Texas, especially San Antonio and South and even Houston and Austin, you get really good queso. It's legit. It's actually thicker. You can put it on a flour tortilla

and make a taco. It's really good. Sex mix. I feel like queso might be like a warning food for a mustached gentleman. Real dangerous. There's a lot of Oaxacan people who live near our office in Los Angeles.

Yes. And I fuck with a particular Oaxacan appetizer. Yes. Which is quesillo fundido. Yeah. Which is cheese that has, they have added mushrooms and chorizo and then fried it in a cast iron pan and they just serve it to you kind of fucking stretchy.

That shit is the dopest shit in the world. That's kind of what the queso is. It's just very similar. That's what the queso that I grew up with in Texas is. It's that. It's like bomb ass stuff. It's like bomb ass shit. Fucking cheese talk up here.

Jordan, you used to be a cheesemonger. You got anything to add to this? Listen, I don't like to talk about that part of my life. It's behind me. When something momentous happens to you, like you cased a really spectacular Stilton, we ask you to share it with us for our segment, Momentous

Occasions. You filled out cards before the show. We've picked a few thanks to our brilliant producer Jennifer Marmer. How about a hand for Jen? Remember, if this all goes wrong, it's her fault. Where's Alexandra and Jean-Michel?

Come on up, guys. Hustle on up. And if Anne can get ready to come up. No, like really hustle on up because otherwise we have to fill the time. Jesus Christ, no, actually do it.

There's your microphone right there. Hi, Alexandra and Jean-Michel. Hello. How are you? Hey, guys. Great voice. Good. Thank you.

I was talking with Jean-Michel. Do you want some more ASMR? I was talking with Jean-Michel last night at the party, and I literally wanted to quit podcasting because he has such a beautiful voice. I was like, fuck this. You take the keys to the company. because he has such a beautiful voice.

Yeah. I was like, fuck this. You take the keys to the company. Can you say, KNX 1070 News Radio? You can do it after the show. How about WKRP in Cincinnati? Wow. It works.

That's great. It works. Actually, Jordan is specifically asking you to do it after the show. Like, up in his room. Yeah. I have some local jingles I want to hear. Alexandra and Jean-Michel, what's your momentous occasion? Alexandra?

Well, last weekend on Saturday, we got married congratulations oh okay clap for the patriarchy this is a two-parter and the second part is that we also last week got the keys to our storefront and we're opening a comic book and tabletop gaming shop in our hometown. Wow! So, yeah, maybe this is something you want to, like, plug just in case any of the listeners, like, have a nerd friend they can relay it to. Because they probably won't be interested in themselves, but maybe...

Go ahead and buzz market it right into that microphone for this tens of thousands listening at home. Eh. As many as a tens of thousands listening at home. Eh. As many as a dozen people are listening at home. Mega Brain Comics in Rhinebeck, New York, you guys. Rhinebeck, New York. Well, in honor of the two of you going back to your hometown to open a comic book and tabletop game store,

we'd like to present you with this award for being a self-parody of a MaxFunCon attendee. Congratulations, Alexandra and Jean-Michel. It boomeranged to you. Anne, where's Anne? I gave you a warning. Come on up. No, like, jog. Yeah, now we're talking.

Hi, Anne. How are you? Doing well. How are you? Very well. Address that microphone very directly. What's your momentous occasion? My cat had a messy accident where... Oh, my gosh. First of all, what kind of momentous occasion? My cat had a messy accident where

Oh my gosh! First of all what kind of cat is it? It's a Maine Coon mix Her name's Ramona. That's a hefty kitty isn't it? She's a big cat, yeah She's 13 pounds. What's her name again? Ramona. Ramona So I have a tradition Is her age 8? Oh what's that?

Is her age 8? 9 Oh Ramona humor there Thanks Christella age eight? Oh, what's that? Is her age eight? Nine. A little Ramona humor there. Thanks, Christella. It's a YA humor. So did your giant cat had an accident? It was kind of a super fudge. Yeah.

Yeah. I have a tradition at my birthday parties. I get pinatas, and I fill them with just random stuff. That's a pretty classic birthday party tradition. Not one typically carried into adulthood, but continue. Well, fill them with adult things. There was a coupon to the local sex store, so I got a bunch of weird flavors of lube.

And, you know, everyone had a good time. I was kind of drunk. My cat escaped. So this piñata that is filled with lube, it's kind of a sex mechs tradition. Yeah. Okay. Sex mechs. So after the piñata, I guess one of the lube things broke.

It was the chocolate one. And the next day, my cat shows up at the door. And it was very clear that she had eaten the chocolate lube. And it looked exactly the same going in as going out. Oh, boy. What a story in my life. And then I had a hangover, and I had to give her a bath. Yeah.

But the good news is it was the perfect time for her to try anal. Ladies and gentlemen, Anne! Where's Ashley D? Ashley D, come on up. Ashley D. As quickly as you can. Ashley, ladies and gentlemen. Ashley D.

Pull that mic straight down to your face. There you go. Hi, Ashley. How are you? Oh, good. How are you? What's your momentous occasion, Ashley? This happened a few years ago. Okay, well, you know. Can't have everything, you know? It's a pretty good moment, so it's a good icebreaker at parties and things. So I was on a safari in Africa. I went there when I was in college and I got bit by a monkey. Wow. When I was there, yes. And now you fight crime as monkey girl.

That's my night job, yes, of course. No, but monkeys in Africa on safari, they're like pigeons in New York City. Like they won't leave you alone. They're all around you. And I was just sitting there minding my own business and next thing I know,

I felt one just come right up on me and bit me. Holy shit. Yeah, it was a little scary. I guess it chased me around afterwards. A little scary? Yeah. It was a little monkey, but still, I mean, it's a monkey, you know. Yeah, I know.

I mean, that's like if a baby had fangs. Yes. Very nice. That's fucked up. Do you think that it thought you were a berry? I don't know what it was thinking. Do monkeys like grapes in science experiments, right? Shouldn't have been carrying those grapes.

That's on you. I had, you know, just dozens of bananas in my pocket. I don't know. That's probably it. Yeah, yeah. Is that a banana in your pocket? Or are you just looking to get bit by a monkey? Thank you, Ashley.

Ashley, ladies and gentlemen. Where's Ivy? Ivy, come on up. Ivy. Ivy. Here comes Ivy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for Ivy. Ivy. Here comes Ivy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it for Ivy. Ivy, what's your momentous occasion?

You can literally just point it completely downward. So I had a stroke. Oh, congratulations. A stroke of good luck? I'm 25 and I was 24. Because math. Yeah, and I was misdiagnosed. Wait, when you say you were misdiagnosed, do you mean that you actually didn't have a stroke?

You were just having a particularly limp-lipped day? No, it was the opposite. They were like, oh, your anti-anxiety medication's making you have word vomit. They were like, no, we're just making toast. Yeah.

But yeah, I had a series of mini-strokes throughout the week, and I was misdiagnosed by a male doctor. Feminism. And he literally said, you know, you could be having like a stroke, but I could send to the neurologist, but I don't think that's what it is. So he was stroke-splaining to you.

He said Bernie would have won. He's like, frankly, my money is on hysteria. Yeah. Have you recovered? Yeah, so basically my right fingertip is very, it's like I have a Band-Aid around it all the time. Oh, wow. It's a lot.

Sounds like a living hell yeah are there support groups or no i got i got really lucky and like the nurses on the floor were like really impressed how no maintenance i was because everyone else on the neurology floor was like Bunch of assholes. These high-maintenance stroke victims. Ugh, man. Fucking snowflakes, right? No matter what, you always peed right into that jug.

Congratulations on being well, huh? We're very happy for you. Thank you. You've handed us a pug calendar? These are pages from some sort of pug-a-day calendar. Oh, she just

doesn't want to throw them away. Here's my trash. You she's making us have them. You know these aren't living creatures. Okay, she says she'll come get them later. Thank you very much. They are some... A pug is one of the fattest dogs. Do you think marmots are a type of pug?

One can only assume. Yeah. We have one nondisclosure agreement to violate. Let's do that. We got a little spooked on nondisclosure agreement. We've been having people, for those of you who aren't Jordan Jesse Goh listeners, we've been having people call in to Jordan Jesse Goh to violate their nondisclosure agreements. Go listeners, we've been having people call in to Jordan, Jesse go to violate their non-disclosure agreements. And for the most part, we got what we expected, which is to say people who had been on

consumer panels of new types of whipped cream dispenser. And we all do. Yeah. Until someone called in with a national security secret. Perhaps the most distressing and confusing thing that's ever happened on our program. But we're going to dip our toe back in the waters. Where's Glenn Tickle? Glenn Tickle, come on up. Hi, friends. Where's Glenn Tickle? Glenn Tickle, come on up. Hi, friends. I guess the part of this where you do it anonymously is now in the toilet.

I'm not scared of the Travel Channel. Now, Glenn, you are actually the source. I saw someone wearing a Garaba t-shirt yesterday. Yes. You are the origin. You are the river from which flows Garaba t-shirt yesterday. You are the origin. You are the river from which flows Garaba. Yeah. I would like to set the record straight publicly.

I made the audience yell, get him, get him, get him. Yeah, so Glenn is... The most obvious thing they would have yelled. Glenn is a stand-up comic. God, this is like the world's hardest thing to explain. I bought that shirt and I hate wearing it because it elicits the most questions from strangers. Right. There's no brief explanation of that shirt.

It's the standard problem of a Jordan Jesse Go t-shirt, which is you have to tell people you like Jordan Jesse Go. But you're a stand-up comic, and you called it a momentous occasion, which was that you were on stage, and you got the audience to say our slogan at the time, get him, get him, get him. But we couldn't tell what the audience was saying

and presumed that they were saying Garaba. Right. That does, that's a pretty good description. And Garaba, we decided, was our sort of safety watch word. G. I don't remember. Get help. I can do it.

G, get help. Yeah. A, assess the situation. R, read up on it. A, assess the situation again. B, be kind to yourself. And A, abstinence. Abstinence.

I think it's the abstinence that makes the shirt hard to wear. Yeah. Because it's a weird class of people that want to ask me about it. To be clear, in Glenn's case, when he says it's hard to wear, he means he's hard because he's abstinent. Yeah. So what's the NDA you want to violate, Glenn T? The thing is, I don't know why they made me sign the NDA. I shot a thing for Travel Channel.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Thanks. I had to ride a roller coaster eight times and pretend that it was the first time all eight times. And my friend threw up on my leg after like the fourth time. The Travel Channel is lying to us? Yeah. This is for their new show, coaster bros right they do it on water sorry roller broaster that's better but but because she got sick roller broaster is a type of chicken

serves it to you on skates for it so in the episode, the narrative of this rollercoaster adventure is we went on a smaller ride first and then went on the big scary rollercoaster, but we did it backwards in reality. But my friend threw up on my leg so she couldn't go on the first ride.

So we had to come up with this fake narrative that she was too scared to go on the little ride. But then had all this footage of her on the other one, and they're like, you can't tell anybody. Because it'll ruin the episode. Well, Glenn, fucking... First of all, you're welcome.

Second of all, now we know who Deep Throat is. Third of all, Woodward and Bernstein right here. All the president's men right here on this stage. We just ripped this shit wide open. Hell yeah. Coaster gate starts here. We're tired of your lies. Glenn Tickle, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, jeez. We got a little more of these? What was the name of that show again? Broiler Coaster? What's going on? Yeah. Okay. It was called Kenny Rogers Broasters. What was the name of that show again? Broler Coaster? What's going on? Okay. It was called Kenny Rogers Broasters.

Prite. Pre-tay. Prite. Prit. P-R-I-T-E. Somebody's like, oh, I forgot what name I made up for myself. Come on up, please. Oh.

Really? Just bailed? P-R-I-T-E exclamation mark heart? Someone from the audience yelled he's pooping. God damn it. This was the big closer. Is that our person running up right now?

Are you bright? Yeah, that's Prite. Get up. Prite. Let's go to the mic, and what's your momentous occasion? Pull that mic all the way down for yourself. Prite, I want you to know this better be good, because you almost fucked us. And I do not care to be fucked.

I was just going to try and find somebody to call back sex mechs again. Well, I might have misunderstood the point of the exercise. It sounds like these were some really good stories, actually. What's your momentous occasion? Well, I really just wanted to contribute my good feelings about the convention. My inexplicable room banshee who gave me Charlie Horses for the weekend. Those delectable lobster lollipops that some really nice person brought to the RPG game. They were great.

I love sheep candy. I'm glad about most of these things. I think you said your terror room banshee? Oh, that's not important. Look, I don't want to distract from what's important here, which is lobster-shaped lollipops. Frankly, that was the centerpiece. But can we focus on the banshee?

I think sometimes it's better not. I consider myself a person of science, and let's just, you know, come out and say that the most scientific explanation I could think of for the leg pain was probably the banshee. Okay. We, I...

Oh, I was just getting a tweet from Neil deGrasse Tyson. Hold on. He's on everything. Oh, it's just about Jurassic Park being impossible. Sorry. I'll be in contact with him. He'll just bring the bus way down. Sorry. What a fucking bummer. Janine Brito and April Richardson

were among the people in my car on the way here. And as they were checking in, April was mad at me for jokingly suggesting that this hotel was haunted. And as they were checking in, Janine checked in first and then April said, are there any adjoining rooms in case I get

scared? Which I thought was a pretty good gag. I was like, oh, classic comedians joshing around with each other until Janine Brito, just before the show, told me, yeah, April Richardson came in and slept in my other bed last night. Guys,

but everybody, look under your chair. You're getting a ghost. You're getting a ghost. You're getting a ghost. That's been our show! That's it. That was Jordan Jesse Go live from the Inn at Pocono Manor and MaxFunCon East.

Special thanks to our producer, Brian Fernandez, our pal Jennifer Marmer, who was there producing at MaxFunCon East, Daniel Baruela, who also helped out, and Alex Aiden, who ran the sound. Thanks, Alex. Hey, guys. If you want to talk about the show on Twitter, hashtag it JJGo. We've got a subreddit over there at MaximumFun.Subreddit.com. Wait, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. There you go.

What did I say? Subreddit.com. Subreddit. It's Subreddit.com for your internet computers. Yeah, there's a JJGo Facebook group. Please get in touch. We always like hearing from people who like the show. And we'll see you next

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