Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 500: Art Cuck with Nick Adams

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

Nick "Repeat" Adams joins Jordan and Jesse for this very momentous episode and a discussion of Jordan's trip to Paris, the sex rules on BoJack Horseman, and how everyone in Game of Thrones must reek.  Plus, Jim Real, the Master of Would You Rather calls in from the carpool lane and we get a call with a grand romantic gesture. Let's go!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to Jordan Jesse Goh. So glad to have you here. Retail consultancy in a podcast. Whether you're doing point-of-service displays, point-of-sale displays, which is an

actual kind of display. The first one was sort of a trick I was pulling on you. And you know me. I'm here to talk end caps. Yeah, you got it, buddy. It's a great way to display merchandise. This is our 500th episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go.

That is 700-ish hours of talking about POS systems, talking about impulse purchases, talking about merchandise and merchandising. And me, I'm all about end caps.

But I have an idea for this week. Okay. Yeah, I mean, kind of a big episode for us. Yeah. I mean, I'm all about end caps. But I have an idea for this week. Okay. Yeah, I mean, kind of a big episode for us. Yeah. I mean, I was going to dive into my, you know, the fifth part of my 10-part series, The History of the End Cap.

Right, no, you're all about end caps. I know that. Yeah, it's my one thing on the show. Right. I mean, you're the end cap guy. I mean, you branded yourself as such from episode one. It's been 10 years we've been doing this. You've done an amazing job making it clear what you're about. I mean, you know my catchphrase. It's a great way to display merchandise.

Right. I mean, we all know your catchphrase. But I think 500 episodes in, instead of talking about retail this week, let's take this week to sit down with a friend, shoot the breeze, and see what happens. A friend from the world of retail? Well, I don't have any. Frankly, this show has alienated a lot of my retail friends. Jim May from the May Company. Now Robinson's May. And Frank Robinson of the Baseball Hall of Famer. Sure.

I was thinking, I have a friend named Nick, an old friend of mine. He used to be an entertainer. He used to be a stand-up comic these days. That's glamorous. I know. These days, he writes jokes for a cartoon horse. Ooh. And I thought I'd like That's glamorous. I know. These days he writes jokes for a cartoon horse. Ooh. Double glamorous. To have him

since he's such a fun guy, we'd have him here to ask him to tell us some jokes. I like it. Yeah. It's different. People aren't going to get any end cap history. Right. But I guess we can get to part five, the turbulent 70s, next week.

Yeah. A tough time for end caps. It was a tough time for America. Yeah. The gas crisis. Right. Sure. But also a tough time for end caps.

But I think they've endured. Well, I mean, certainly end caps in the time of the fall of the Shah is a topic that we could do 75 episodes about. Sure. I plan to. We've done 50 of those so is a topic that we could do 75 episodes about. Sure. Sure, I plan to. We've done 50 of those so far, but that leaves 25 remaining. But I think- Look, a lot of NCAP material coming up in the coming weeks.

But yeah, I'm with you. Why don't we just sit down and talk to an entertainment professional? Yeah. And I also, can I take a second just before we get into him? I just want to plug my podcast about Asics sneakers and their end cap technology. So I just want to – that is available on Apple Podcasts now. Great. Our guest is a beloved regular here at Jordan Jesse Go. A good old-fashioned favorite. He was extremely late this time.

Forgot that we were recording our 500th episode. Still managed to walk into our part of the loft in which constitutes the Max Fun offices with an open beer already in hand. Mr. Nick Adams. Thank you, guys. I want to talk to you for a second about Squarespace. You know, independent retailers

use Squarespace to connect with purchasers, potential purchasers like yourselves. Oh, God. Imagine how rich

we would be if we had done 500 episodes of a podcast that was about something. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, our bad.

Like, we do okay on this show that isn't about anything. We do fine. No complaints here. Proud of all the people who listen and grateful for their support. But, God, if at the beginning we had just done something related to something that's for sale. Sure, sure. You'd be getting that MeUndies money, man. Some SeatGeek money.

Yeah. Big time SeatGeek money. We should have done. We should have started. People should have done we should have people would have thought we were crazy right but when we started this wild ride instead of you know general chatting with you know comedians and other media personalities it should have been uh delivering organic food through the mail yes if only if only that had been what our show was about hi nick how are you doing i'm about Hi Nick, how are you doing?

I'm good, I'm good, how are you guys? It's great to see you friend This is way too many episodes of this show, that's insane You think we should wrap it up? When your parents sent you off to UC Santa Cruz A verdant, secluded, warm, educational opportunity. A verdant and peaceful world. Yes.

Just like they knew that their son was going to flower at the other end into a competent, useful member of society. They had no idea. Like Jordan's mother, for example, is a nurse and lactation counselor. My mother teaches higher education. She's a junior college teacher preparing for next generation. Literally helping mothers feed their children. Yeah, sure. About the most useful thing you can do.

Yes, giving life. Yeah. Helping with the giving of life. They were like, honey, I'm going to write this check for you so that you can attend a first-class public university. you so that you can attend a first-class public university. And my hope, I hope beyond hope, that at the end of four long years of hard work and focus in literature and American studies, respectively. Our parents were talking as one Borg-like being in this situation. Well, they drafted a joint statement.

Oh, sure. Yeah. It's like solidarity. Yeah, state television. They say, we hope at the end of four years, you will have found the education, the courage, and the wherewithal to say the word dick a lot over 500 hour plus long program. In your defense, you have a separate show that does not allow you the freedom to say the word dick. Yeah, that's true.

So you needed to come up with another vehicle to get the dick jokes out. Me? No excuse. I got nothing. I have no right. All you do is just hang around the house. Sure. Saying dick.

Saying dick. And then I come here, I say it it And I go home Or sometimes to a restaurant And say it To be fair You have carved out A career for yourself In one of the few professions Where you can say

The word dick at work An unlimited amount of times In a day And nobody bats an eye Sure And so ironic Because Jordan was Originally intended

To become a gigolo But now One of the two Yeah Yeah no it's interesting i do think a little bit about you know and i think i'm i'm in a period now of between jobs in show business no no no you're developing right now i'm developing yes oh god yes it's all in how you present it yeah yeah you really have started to flower thank Thank you. Yes, I'm developing breasts.

And pubes. Yeah. I think I'll probably start working again once I get those pubes. I'll feel more confident in the writer's room once I have a hardy bush. Especially in the writer's locker room. Sure, exactly.

The other writer's snapping towels at you. I sometimes, because I'm embarrassed, I go in the writer's locker room. Sure, exactly. I know. The other writer's snapping towels at you. I sometimes, because I'm embarrassed, I go in the writer's room with my swim trunks on because I don't want anybody to see that I don't have a bush.

All those upper level writers are hairy chested and just confident. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I worked on Friends. They've probably all lost their virginity. Oh, and the second season

of Caroline in the City, me and one of the hairstylists. I have a girlfriend in Canada. You haven't met her. She works on the new Degrassi. Right, yes. Works on Trailer Park Boys. Yeah, so I'm developing now.

I'm between things. Yeah, just taking some time off. Sure. And, you know, like, obviously I know that there are ebbs and flows to a show business career and this is part of it. A show gets canceled and, you know, you wait for the next one to come around. But I definitely like – I'm saying that now but I have, you know, several moments per day where I'm like, oh, I'm doomed. It's over. I had a – I was a sham to begin with.

Everything good that happened to me was an accident. It's over. What do I do? And I will have these moments where I weigh my options. I'm like, okay, well, they need more public school teachers, don't they? Oh, no. I have 700 hours of me talking about my balls with my friend from college. And it's easily Google-able.

So, like, maybe they'll be okay with that at like a waldorf school like maybe i may actually required to do that at certain quaker schools at friend schools right i uh i have a uh i have a buddy who is uh who is in the acting profession who's you know and she's kind of going through a similar time of between things, and we were kind of kvetching about it. And, yeah, and the thing I came up with was like, well, I'm sure they have podcasting classes at the Waldorf schools in Vermont at this point. Yeah. Maybe I move there and I start that. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's what kind of socialist paradise they're running on. Sure. Yeah. Bernie Sanders made sure there was podcasting classes at the Waldorf schools. Yes. Kids need to start. Kids start podcasting earlier and earlier these days. And there's free ice cream for everyone. Oh, man.

I can't wait. The fight for 15 is the 15 minutes of podcasting per day for every child. That's what that's about. Thank God someone is standing up for that. How are you doing, Nick? It's nice to see you, bud. I'm good. Jesse alluded to your

writing on America's most favorite cartoon horse program, BoJack Horseman. I think it's solidly safe to say that that's the number one horse cartoon. Although, I think I speak for the internet when I say that I have very strong feelings

about BoJack Horseman not having a tail. Mmm. How do you That I have very strong feelings about BoJack Horseman not having a tail. How do you answer when people ask you, where's the tail? I am simply a steward of the vehicle on which I was asked to serve. They didn't ask you, tail or no tail. There was already three seasons of tailless BoJack by the time I came on board. Let's pass those straight up to Lisa. Yeah, that's on her and Raphael by Wexberg.

In all matters, Tailless, that is above my pay grade. And again, this might be like a writer's room secret or something. So let me know if you're violating an NDA by saying this. Um, have, do you guys know internally what the logic is in the BoJack world when a, when two different species have sex and then have a baby? It's essentially like a recessive trait, like eye color or hair color. You know, like. Yeah. If it's, it's going to be one of the other. Okay.

And it's just like 50-50. Right. But it'll never be a hybrid. No, no. Okay. There's no precedent for hybrids. If a bird and a human have sex, it's either going to be a bird or a human. Okay.

Okay. What if it's a horse and a zebra, though? Because, like, if BoJack fucked a lady zebra... That'd be hot. Well, obviously... That'd be hot. Well, I mean, if they put a tail on BoJack, it would be hot. Yeah.

But my point is that if BoJack fucked a lady zebra and then they had a baby it should be half horse half zebra just like the real baby of a horse and a zebra we're not in the real baby of a horse and zebra world different yeah I guess I have not looked at the show bible I have not looked at the show bible and you have there are a handful of things that if you really examine it don't make sense, if this makes sense. But within the world of the show, there is an internal logic that the show kind of adheres to pretty well. One thing about it that's interesting to me that doesn't add up to me is that a lot of the animals on the show wear clothes and talk. Which is kind of ridiculous.

That's the one big buy you have to make. It's a little silly yeah I don't know is who is the who is the favorite character on the show

amongst furries these days oh I don't know I would imagine Mr. Peanutbutters just because he's so positive sure it would be so fun

to hang around yeah like a con or whatever yeah yeah just I mean I can't imagine a scenario where he wouldn't be entertaining like sexually he wouldn't be entertaining.

Like, sexually, he would obviously be, you know, amazingly warm. Of course. And attentive. I mean, is there a non-sexual component to furries? I don't know. Is that just all about fucking, ultimately? I think that the sexual component is a sort of thrumming bass line, and the solos come in the world of friendship. Sure, yeah.

Like, it's about friendship and... Drawing. Sharing interests, drawing, getting together, but then underneath, everything's like, we're gonna fuck later. So you're saying that Sex Among the Furries set is like the Holland-Ozer-Holland. Yeah.

It's just always there. It's like all the fun that you do is built around that. Right. And everything else. I got it. I got it. I'm a groundhog. I'm going to suck a bee's dick.

I cannot teach public school. You're joking yourself into a corner. On the plus side, I'm pretty sure we're the new Paul and Storm. Oh, cool. So that's nice.

You can teach private school, though, because they're fucking selling blow to each other and shit. Yeah. Teachers are fucking students. Yeah, if you got

a nice private school, get at me. God, we should work at one of those. Theater. You could teach theater at a private school. You know what we could be?

Instead of podcasting, which is, I think we can agree is a fool's errand. Sure. It's a dying art form. Absolutely. We could become inspirational boys' school English teachers. Yeah. I've got blazers. Sure.

You guys need to borrow blazers. I'll loan them to you. My wife has to die first. Oh, really? Because that's what I have to, my wife has to die and then I have to move to a small town. Yeah, you have to be – And then get to know some kid and he's like, oh, he's got a past and then he finds it and I'm drunk one night. You don't know me.

Like that whole thing has to happen first. Right, because there has to be an element of you teaching them but also – They're teaching me. They're going to teach you. Teach you a little something. I had an English teacher who saw himself in that way, I think. He's a little older, but he saw himself as a great inspirational teacher. But he kind of reverse inspired me.

I remember I had to have a parent-teacher meeting with him where my mom came to school, and we all sat down to discuss this paper I had written where at the bottom of it he had just written, F, I am concerned you take nothing in life seriously. Do you remember what it was? Was it that glib? It was probably pretty glib. I mean, like, you've met me. Sure. Yeah.

Do you remember what it was supposed to be about? Island of the Blue Dolphin or something? I remember that we were supposed to read The Brothers Karamazov, I think, over the summer. Sure. Oh, yeah. Summer reading. Come on. I'm not doing that.

It's like I am an adult public radio host. public radio host. And with no shade intended towards those who can read Russian literature for pleasure, it is my worst nightmare to have to read an entire... And how old were you? Uh, 16.

I think a lot of that stuff is wasted on teenagers. Oh, of course it is! Why would you have a teenager read a real book? It's crazy, Tom. Sure. They don't want to read that. The names have too many vowels.

Yes. I mean, like, sure, the Lord of the, I mean, not the Lord of the Rings. What's that called where they're all on the island and the piggy wants to slip? Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Flies. Yeah, like Lord of the Flies. Sure. Have them read Lord of the Flies, you know, of mice and men, maybe.

Yeah. Have them read Lord of the Flies, you know, of mice and men, maybe. But let's not get involved in fucking whether God cares about us. Keep it under 200 pages. Yeah, exactly. Should you fling yourself in front of a train or not? Here's a free tip to all the high school students who have to do book reports. Steinbeck. Yeah. He's your fucking friend, man.

Steinbeck is your friend. I read a killer can I did read wrote a killer cannery row in fifth grade like 165 pages people are still talking about it

get in get out you got your novel wrapped up in like 225 pages max I remember feeling I couldn't agree

with you more I absolutely did a lot of Steinbecks as a kid because you know pretty easy to read and yeah pretty short. I remember when we got to Grapes of Wrath. I'm like, I've been betrayed.

Yeah, you fooled me. This is in the 300s. It's a long con by Steinbeck. I feel like I am still poisoned by the fact, by the books that I was asked to read as a student. The books that I was asked to read as a student, like to the point where I am – again, as an adult public radio host, I like shudder at the prospect of reading any classic literature. Like I know I think I would probably like it. Some of it, yeah. But like the idea of doing it seems so much like homework to me. The thing that I hate is that we have this notion that you have to finish a book.

At a certain point, I was older and I just had never read Catcher in the Rye. And I was like, that's crazy. That's a great American book. I should read it. And I started reading it and I hated it. And I was like, I got to finish it. I got to finish it. And then I was like, no, I don't.

Why do I have to finish it? I don't have to do this to him. Fuck this book. I don't have to. If you're eating a shitty meal, you just stop eating the shitty meal. Yeah. I bought a copy of The Catcher in the Rye with that same thought. I never read it when I was a teenager when you're supposed to read it.

Right. And I thought like, well, I should probably read The Catcher in the Rye. Everyone else seems to have read it. They like it apparently. But yeah, I have not looked at page one. I made it all the way through. What did you get through the acknowledgment? I've read the title.

I know what it's called. Oh, he's really thankful to Marion. I made it all the way through Huckleberry Finn. But that was only because I put myself in a position to make it through, which is I was at my in-law's cabin where there is this bookshelf that only has books about what happens after you die, as reported by people who have died and come back to life. Right, right, right.

Children, hopefully, mostly, right? Yeah, exactly. And also Who Moved My Cheese. And I had already read Who Moved My Cheese. Any chicken soups? There's a chicken soup for the Teenager Soul 3. Oh, wow. And they get better.

Each season, they top the last one. Like the Lord of the Rings movies. Exactly. And I was like, okay, I boxed myself in. It's either this or learn to enjoy the outdoors or the company of others. And that wasn't in the cards. So. I don't go back

and read a lot of, I don't do a lot of that. I don't do a lot of like, oh, I've never read, oh boy, what haven't I read that, I mean. You've read it all. I've read it all, baby. I love books. Yum, yum, yum. Moby Dick. You know, I've never read Moby Dick and I guess I'm like, oh, maybe. But I I am here's what I don't want to happen. yum yum mobi dick you know i've never read mobi dick and i guess i'm like oh maybe but i i am

here's what i don't want to happen i don't want for someone to ask me what's the last thing you read and for me to say mobi dick because then they will suspect i have not read a book since high school i'm always i'm so suspicious of people who say that their favorite book is something that you're assigned in high school. So I'm like, oh, you haven't read a fucking book. You haven't. Oh, really? 1984?

Your favorite book is 1984? Of all the books you've read, 1984 is your favorite. Yeah. Mine is down and out in Paris and London. Sure. Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. Yeah, exactly. Anyway. Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so I guess I want – I feel like I try and make all of my like for fun reading kind of contemporary.

So I'm not that guy. The worst – the guy that you don't want to be is the guy who's like, you know, I just – every year I just reread Moby Dick. Yeah, sure. I just re-familiarize myself with the classics. It speaks to me in a whole new way every time I read it. It's like the Bible for me. For me, it's with the classics. It speaks to me in a whole new way every time I read it. It's like the Bible for me. For me, it's like the Bible. What the Bible is to others, Don Quixote is to me.

To me. To me. To me. To me. Don Q, at the end of the day, Jordan, you're a storyteller. Sure, yeah. It's like the stories that we gather around the campfire to tell each other. It's like cavemen drew on walls.

We require a narrative. It's how we learn. It's why cavemen drew on walls. We require a narrative. Yeah. It's how we learn. It's really true. Our brains organize things. We're just apes around a campfire, guys. We're just apes smearing shit on walls. At the end of the day, we're just apes taking our hands,

scooping them up our butts, and smearing the shit on the walls. It's a sort of warning to other apes of possible violence. We're just three over-educated apes trapped in a soundproof box high above Los Angeles. There's a fire here. There's a literal fire here. Probably a wiring issue. Can I talk about something in relation to this tone?

Yeah, sure. This tone that we've taken? Yes. So we just got back from, we did the London Podcast Festival. What a joy. Had a blast. King's place. A fucking blast.

Hopefully there is an episode that people will hear at some point from that. With contemporary fiction writer Nick Hornby, the king of names. Yeah, there you go. But so I, before we went to London, I took the train down from paris i flew into paris had never seen it before uh and decided like hey about time right not even in las vegas i know yes i have but i was pretty drunk though i was pretty fucked up yeah uh and i had lost a lot of money on slots so i don't think i was right now in a headspace to really take it all you're only supposed to put a quarter in there why you keep putting those ten dollar bills in there i don't know you gotta it's the multipliers baby even make it go yeah shove it into the coin

it's about multipliers jesse i'll explain it to you later thank you um but here's okay so and you know and i did and it was just like it was like so it was, I didn't, no deep cuts. I just wanted to hear the hits, so I wanted to do the Paris stuff, or a few of the Paris things anyways. Right. Put a lock on a bridge. Sure. Ride a moped. Yeah.

Step in dog poop. Yeah. All the big things. Be racist against an Arab person. And then, yeah, I think next time I'm there I'll try a Before Sunrise. Got it. But I didn't really have, it wasn't really in the,

I mean, Lord knows beautiful French women wanted to Before Sunrise with me. Sure. But I just didn't have time. I'm so busy. I understand.

I understand. Because I have this, I have the same problem when I meet Amelies. Sure. It's like, oh. I don't have time to appreciate the crack of the creme brulee with you.

I love your whimsical hat, but perhaps next time I'm in Paris. This is not really a whimsy trip for me. I did the Louvre, and this is a joke I've been trying to tell to people when they ask me how Paris was, and it has not

gone over well. Jordan, can you please, can I ask a favor of you? Could you please tell us a joke that people don't like? Yes, absolutely. Okay. Yeah, this will be good for our comedy podcast, right? A failed joke. About an art museum. Yeah, yeah.

So people are like, oh, what did you do in Paris? I'm like, oh, I saw the Louvre. They're like, did you see the Mona Lisa? I'm like, oh, yeah, I saw the Mona Lisa. It's huge. It's fucking huge. Have you three walls this thing? The Mona Lisa, it's fucking huge.

And people are like, oh, really? I heard it was small. I'm like, yeah, that's, I'm, everyone tells you it's. Anyway. Yeah. This joke has not gone over well, but I'm going to stick with it. I'm going to keep doing it. I think it's here anyway yeah this joke is it has not gone over well but I'm gonna stick with it I'm gonna keep doing it

I think it's worth doing yeah that's why I'll know I'll know I've met my soulmate when I meet the person who laughs at the Mona Lisa is huge yeah I think you should run by

run this by Amelie from the movie Amelie sure I think she might like that yeah do they have other stuff in the Louvre yeah some other stuff

a lot of yeah there's a lot of like, you know, like early Christian African tribes. There's a lot of their stuff. There's a lot of like daggers. There is a weird, I went to the British Museum when we were in London. museum when we were in London and there's a weird thing of like it like really shows vividly what the top shit was when they were really out there plundering yeah right like the main in there we're into what spices were popping yeah I also went to the also went to this museum called the Wallace Collection in London.

And it's great. It's one of my favorite kinds of museum, which is like Sir John Soane's Museum in London. It's just like an old-timey rich guy's weird shit. This one, he was really into like Rembrandts and armor. So it's like one floor of like Dutch masters or whatever, then one floor of just different kinds of sword. Do you think in the future, I mean, obviously we don't have a lot of that in America, but do you think in the future people will be able to tour Nicolas Cage's house? Yes, I hope so. The thing that Nick Liao, our production fellow who I was there with and I developed as a sort of technique for enjoying a sort of overload of Dutch masters, which frankly, like, I can only look at so many portraits of old timey people before I am bored shitless.

portraits of old timey people before I am bored shitless like I do love an art museum but like at a certain amount of pictures of people in the 17th century I don't care anymore there's another lady with a long neck staring in the odd direction at an odd angle

but look at the face her servant is making that was the commentary that was the artist's commentary of him socking it to the gentry. The thing that I found that really got me through, and I recommend this for anybody who's in a museum, is look for dogs

in the pictures. And I'll tell you why it's so great to see a dog in a painting from the 17th or 18th century. And Nick was actually the one, Nick Leal was the one who really put his finger on this. Literally. It's, yes.

Well, we touched our butts first. It was, you know, we're just cavemen around the farm. Sure, just cavemen, yeah. And it's that, like a 17th century person. It's like a spaceman. It's like something, you don't know what their life was. You know, you're looking through a time capsule. You's like something you don't know what their life was. You know, you're looking through a time capsule.

You know what I mean? You're looking through a lens into the past at someone whose life is entirely foreign to you, both literally and temporally. You know what I mean? This is a remarkable you're like, oh, wearing frilly shirts and

all these different things that are so unlike your experience their child owns a monkey but then the dogs just where'd he get that monkey then the dogs just they're doing dog shit just regular dog shit same as dogs do now dogs are just fucking dogs they're just chewing on bones and jumping up and down and yeah that's what's great about a dog in an old timey painting. One of the best things I learned about dogs in olden times is that a lot of times, yes, it's companionship and like chase rats or whatever dogs, you know, because they all had some sort of useful behavior.

But then like some dogs, they're just about warmth. So you just have a couple of little dogs, throw them in the bed at night in your draft castle yeah it's just like throw a couple of pecanese in the bed just to keep you warm like put the dogs in the bed like a pre-warmer before you go to bed that's what's up warmth dog warmth dog were the dogs trained to like lay lay in beds were they like not it seems like you would want to breathe would want to breed the rowdy traits out of them. Jesse, I will rely on your expertise here. I don't think you have to do a lot of training to get a dog to get in your bed, do you?

No, I think you do. You have to train the dog not to be alarmed when you get a boner. But besides that, besides that, I think it all comes pretty naturally to the dog. One of the things about, you know, when you find out, when you realize you met your soulmate. My wife, I made this statement, and it always comes back to her whenever we see like a painting like that or you're watching a movie or a TV show set in olden times.

My wife will just sort of wistfully eventually lean forward and go, God, everybody must smell so bad. Lean forward and go, God, everybody must smell so bad. It never fails to pull me out of whatever way. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Game of Thrones must reek. Sure. It has to reek. Sure.

Like two characters on Game of Thrones take a regular bath. That crazy-eyed boat guy. Can you imagine how much that guy stinks? Dinklage hasn't taken a bath in three seasons. Like before, he was just drunk and bathing. Now, he's just like, maybe every couple of weeks he gets a bath. I mean, if they're lucky, they might get anointed. Right.

An oil anointing might be available to them. How bad do the Dothraki smell on horseback with the dust? Oh, wow. So dusty. They're dusty people. I mean, dragon shit. There are times where they have to deal with the removal of dragon shit. It would probably be sort of methane-y

and like really toxic. Right. They're eating cows. Yeah. Whole cow. That's right. I imagine. Do dragons have a rumen?

Can they break down the grass that the cows have eaten? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. These are the questions. It's part of the circle of life. Yeah. We're going to have to ask J.R.R. Tolkien about this. Are they-

No, no. George R.R. It's different R.R. Oh, are we talking about George R.R.? George R.R. I feel like Tolkien established the rules of the number of stomachs. Yeah. You could ask either one of them.

It'd be fine. Sure. He's just riffing off Tolkien's stomach numbers. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I think appreciating a museum is a very special skill.

And I like one that transports me to a magical world. That's my feeling about it. I like to be in a like, what the fuck? I like to imagine the weird guy that was so rich and he bought all this different weird shit. He's like, yeah, well, right now I'm into swords, but I used to be into paintings.

Also, I've drunk most of my life. Also, I remember the Basquiat exhibit came here. We went to see that and you're looking at the captions and 75-80% of the paintings were owned by private collectors. They're just on loan from that person.

Alright, you have a giant house in, like say you have a giant place in Manhattan, you have some house out on whatever the islands, whatever, some getaway. Yeah, you have an island house. You got a lot of art space, okay. But you have so many Basquiat's that you don't need them anymore.

And they're just on loan. Why did you give them away? Sell them. Why are you? I own these, but they're in Los Angeles now in a museum. What is the point of that? I mean, do you think it's real? I own the first Air Jordans, but they're not in my closet right now.

Like a Filipino kid in Montebello is using them. Just sell them. Just sell them. Do you think it's kind of an art cuckoldry? You think that's your... Yeah, look at my paintings. Yeah, you like my painting, don't you? It's mine, but I'm letting you use it.

Yeah, you like it. It's going to come home to me eventually. It's more of an art hot wifing. Yeah, sure. If I know the terminology. I've never more of an art hot wifing. Yeah, sure. If I know the terminology. I've never heard that before. Hot wifing? I think the cuckoldry is about the humiliation.

The hot wifing is about like, yeah, here we go. We do it together. Yeah, I think hot wifing is more like a 70s swinging. You and your buddy look at a painting together. Yeah, yeah. Just try not to look at each other while you're looking at the painting. The Basquiat goes out and gets all hot and bothered, but then he comes home. Oh, okay, yeah.

Okay. I do like the idea of an art cuck, though. Art cucks? This has been Art Cuck on KCRW. I'm your host, a small, sad-dicked man. Have you ever heard the art critic on KCRW yes I have

it is the most art critic he's like a Yugoslavian man who seems very knowledgeable yeah I always like his art the accent if someone came in and read for a part in a movie

as the European art critic and did that accent you'd be like hey buddy come on we're professionals yeah Werner Herzog is like your voice is a little much.

It's a little on the nose, no? Turn it down. Yeah, I think KCRW as a radio station, one of the two NPR stations here in Los Angeles, is the most invested in self-parody. Yeah, yeah. You can't make fun of KCRW. Oh, I mean, Michael Silverblatt, the host of Bookworm, has the public radio voice to end all public radio voices. I believe the intro song to Bookworm is like a Winnie the Pooh.

No, the intro song to Bookworm is by Sparks. Huh? It used to be a Winnie the Pooh song. It used to be like something you would have in a little golden books, but now it's that. Right, now it's that. Sparks wrote a song. The. Sparks wrote a song. The band Sparks wrote a song for Michael Silverblatt personally. I was going to go L.A. Sparks, then Bubba Sparks.

And then, of course, the alcoholic malt beverage. Yeah. If anyone saw the episode of Parks and Recreation that featured our colleague John Hodgman as a public radio host in the world of Parks and Recreation, as well as I think it was Dan Castellaneta. Dan Castellaneta, when he's doing his ridiculous NPR voice, is doing a non-parodic, true-to-real-life impression of Michael Silverblatt's voice. Michael Silverblatt, who's a wonderful radio host, by the way.

He is. It's a great show. Yeah, I think, yeah, I enjoy the voice and I enjoy the content. He's a very good interviewer. But yeah, like the joke voice, like the insane joke voice that Dan Castellaneta is doing on that show is just a direct, no exaggeration version impression of Michael Silverblatt. I want to see the sort of Scientology esque auditing process that you have to go through before you're allowed to go on the air at KCRW. They just must vet you so hard on your pronunciation of Santa Monica.

Yeah. Oh yeah. It is Santa Monica. Santa Monica. If you live in Los Angeles, Santa Monica is a Boulevard and it is a neighborhood. And we all have agreed to not pronounce the T. It takes too much time.

Sure. We're not fops. We're not assholes. We say Santa Monica like a normal American. And these liberal assholes. These fucking snowflakes. These fucking snowflakes in their safe spaces. And they're Santa Monica.

It drives me fucking insane. I do, when I'm listening to KCRW, which I do from time to time, there are two public radio stations in Los Angeles. Two major. Two major public radio stations. Shout out to KPFK. Two NPR stations in

Los Angeles. One of them is based in Pasadena, KPCC, which is northeast of Los Angeles, just northeast of Los Angeles. It's 10 degrees Fahrenheit to the northeast of Los Angeles. Exactly, yeah. And a little closer to me, and they carry bullseye, so I'm more likely to be listening to that station. Slightly less annoying, I would say, is KPCC. I would say I feel a certain kinship with it being based in Pasadena because KCRW is so insistent on saying that it's based in Santa Monica. I always feel like they're making fun of me for not living near the beach.

Like that they can go to the beach anytime they want, but I can't afford to go to the beach. Right, and when it's hot, and when it's so hot in L.A., they get a little ocean breeze. Are they in actual set? Because I know they have a location in Culver City. Well, the hilarious thing— And it's bullshit, Culver City, by the way. Let's get into real nuts and bolts of L.A. geography. NPR's— They probably can't even go to Honey's Kettle for lunch.

Come on! NPR's West They probably can't even go to Honey's Kettle for lunch. Come on. NPR's West Coast Bureau is in Culver City. They say Culver City and not Los Angeles, I believe because of some kind of tax deal they made with the city of Culver City. The city of Culver. The city of Culver City, by the way, is Sony Studios and Two Bridges. That's all of Culver City. And Honey's Kettle Fried Chicken. Which is worth the trip.

Yeah. But KCRW, one of the amazing things about KCRW is that while it is a very fancy radio station, very well listened to, very well supported with wonderful original programming that it makes, it's a huge leader in triple a music adult album alternative um the remarkable thing about kcrw is that while they are currently very close to building themselves a new headquarters they're literally in a community college basement and like everyone shares a desk right uh like i i've been there before and like it is truly a windowless, like, basically it's, like, imagine, like, a middle school gym but with lower ceilings is pretty much the vibe. It's like the radio station they had in Saved by the Bell for a couple episodes.

Yes, exactly. And then no one talked about for the rest of the series. If 40 people worked there, yeah. Yeah. for the rest of the series. If 40 people work there, yeah. How has Clive Davis or some mogul not just endowed KCRW with enough money to never have to do a fun drive again? I know, Quincy. Quincy, write him a check.

You know what I mean? Like, Jimmy I-veen. Is that how you pronounce it? I think so. I've been waiting 20 years to hear someone say it in my presence. Oh, man. Jimmy I-I-I-O-vine. I think it's I-veen. Jimmy L-L-L-Vine.

Building a building, you know? Yeah. Dr. Dre just gave USC like $5 million or some crazy thing. Well, he's proud to be supporting his alma mater. Yeah. He remembers fondly his days of driving near the university and being chased off by security. He went to USC for graduate school.

He was at UCLA. He's a man of the people. He's got split loyalties. They were the subject of that HBO documentary, right? Yes. I did not watch it, but I only saw the ads for it before you were watching something else on HBO. HBO, you already got me.

I'm already watching your show. Don't show me an ad for another show. Yeah. I mean, I feel like they do such a good job with the ads on HBO for their original content and for like a bad movie that they're playing. It's like better than the trailer for that movie. I'm like, wow, that Tarzan reboot looks rad. You know, they'll pick a cool rad. They'll make a cool song.

They do such a good job. And yeah, I feel like it's just to make you feel like, yeah, you got HBO. You love it. You're paying for it. Sure. You're lucky. But I remember the commercials for that documentary, which I've heard a lot of people say is really, really cool, which I've heard a lot of people say is really, really cool,

was kind of them talking and the premise of this trailer was like, we are doing the things that people said we could never do. And then you see these flashes of you'll never. You'll never make music. You'll never build an empire. And then one of them is you'll never make headphones. Like all the other stuff makes sense, but who told you you'll never make headphones? You'll never make headphones. Like, all the other stuff makes sense, but who told you you'll never make headphones? You'll never make headphones! The Empire line's a little shaky.

Sure, yeah. But headphones. An empire? I'd like to see, yeah. You'll never make headphones. You'll never get weirdly swole in the early 2000s. Like, creepily muscly. like creepily muscly yeah also dr j had already made music by the time they formed nwa he had already been a successful band he was in a world-class wrecking yeah yeah not just a regular

county-wide wrecking crew no a lot of people have been in state yeah yeah i should sort of semi-professional wrecking crews. Yeah. I feel like that is such a tenant of the inspirational documentary. Well, everyone told me I would never do this. I think you need at least footage of one person telling you you will never do it. Or like find the guy, find the high school teachers. He's right.

I told him I'd never make headphones. He was a fucking loser. In my defense, he was a fucking loser. He was a fucking loser. In my defense, he was a fucking loser. He was a gangbanger. I have to say, if you just showed some footage of the world-class Wrecking Crew, that would suffice. I mean, it would be hard to look at that footage and not think like, yeah, this train ends here. Yeah. You know what I mean? The mascara, the glitter.

This works in its context. But this is not something where the people still work in this field in 1993. The whole people told me I could never make it thing, I understand why that trope is successful. I'm not saying people haven't had people told them that they couldn't. I'm sure people told Eminem, white guy rapping, come on. But for the most part, people just don't care about you you know i mean you're trying to do your thing people like oh you're rapping huh good luck with that and they just don't care about he's rapping cool cool good luck i hope he makes it sounds like a hard

business what's what's white guy rapping well that's remarkable yeah you've already made it you've already succeeded what's your son andre doing these days uh he's still making music cool cool so how's your hip like that's it yeah He's still making music. Cool. Cool. So how's your hip? Like, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People aren't actively conspiring. They'll never. He's doing something that he enjoys.

And I'm going to tell him that. I'm going to tell him he'll never make headphones. He'll never make headphones. Aside from the fact that, like, people have been making headphones. Why do you think that this wealthy man can't make headphones? You'll never defeat Sennheiser. You just don't have Sennheiser's juice. Big bows. Can't dig down big bows.

Hey, I like big bows, and I cannot lie. Turns out all you have to do is turn the bass up. Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Frank JVC. Make headphones in your... Listen, this is Ryan, Ryan JVC. Listen, my dad, he's a bad guy. I have some secrets. Could you meet me?

Listen, I'm already having a meeting with little Johnny Skullcandy. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go It's Jordan, Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Sponsors Let's hear about it

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It's an alternate pronunciation. It's a wrong one. It's an incorrect pronunciation. You have to look it up in a big dictionary. It's also wrong. No, you don't have a big enough dictionary, Jordan. Maybe that's true. But you do eat pussy.

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It's a great side. It's a great side. I fucking love collard greens. My wife doesn't like collard greens. It's like a constant source of's a great side. It's a great side. I fucking love collard greens. My wife doesn't like collard greens. It's like a constant source of tension in our house. Incorrect. Great side. Yeah, I agree.

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Okay. I don't mean to brag, but I am a business owner. Entrepreneurs from George Washington Carver who created things out of peanuts to my dad who consulted on fundraising with veterans peace organizations. There's a long, proud line. I guess in this scenario I'm related to George Washington Carver. Yeah, I guess so. It's getting a little muddy, but we can go with that. Yeah, a long line of entrepreneurs. And I have my own podcasting business, Jordan.

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It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Always punctual, Nick. Retweet Adams. This is the 500th episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. We asked around to Jordan, Jesse, Go fans and said, what would you love to hear on our 500th episode? And they came back in a grand chorus.

They said, Paul F. Tompkins. Chris Fairbanks, he's not around. We'll put a different take on that. They said, we want to hear a Would You Rather with your friend Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather. We've been doing Would You Rathers with Jim for 15-plus years now. Jim is currently in his carpool traveling from his office to his home in the San Francisco Bay Area where he works as a science man. Jim, how are you, friend? Guys, I couldn't be better. Thanks for asking.

And your carpool is actually listening to you do this right now, right? Yeah, we're having a great time here in the carpool lane. I want to hear from Barb on this. How's your carpool mate Barb doing over there? Barbara, how are you doing? I'm doing great. Chugging along at a whopping 12 miles an hour. Hey.

Yeah. You got to love that gridlock. That's how we do it in the Bay. Okay. Here's the rules of Would You Rather. Jim is going to give us a choice. Would we rather do this or would we rather do that? Jim, remember, is the master of Would You Rather. So if we have any questions, we can ask him for clarification and he'll be glad to clarify

any information that we may be missing or he may have mistakenly obfuscated. Then each of us will make our choice. Then Jim, as the master of would you rather, will tell us whether we are right or wrong. You can play along at home. The most important thing to remember is that you're not the master of would you rather at all. And Jim is entirely the master of would you rather. So don't try and tell him that he doesn't know how to do his job. He won't come to your job and tell you how to do yours. Jim, what's our would you rather this week? Okay, guys, here you go.

Elwin, first, before we start, congratulations on the 500th episode. Thanks, Jim. Couldn't have done it without you. That might be an overstatement. Yeah, no, you know, we owe a lot of early momentum to your contributions. Yeah, and a sort of one-third-of-the-way-through period of controversy where people said we were stealing an idea from Scott Aukerman. So either way, we're very grateful to have had you on board, Jim. All right, yeah, happy to do this. So much fun. And I'm so thrilled you guys still have an audience. Well, it seems unlikely.

Yeah. We haven't confirmed that independently. Yeah. We think. Okay. It's like it's a Netflix sort of deal. Yeah. You guys don't release the numbers.

Yeah. Maybe we don't have a lot of numbers. There's a lot of buzz. Yeah. There's a lot of buzz. We're getting pickups. Prestige podcasting. Yeah. And Rob Schneider's working because of us. You. There's a lot of buzz. We're getting pickups. Prestige podcasting.

Yeah, and Rob Schneider's working because of us. You know, that's for the best. All right, here we go. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Would you rather have the power of x-ray vision or get ten times more credit card points. Wow.

I mean, I was concerned he'd be rusty. Yeah. Is this a Rambo situation? We've gone into the mountains. We've said we need you for one last job. Yeah. He said I'm out of the game. We said please, we need you. I'm a scientist now, a family man. Yeah, I have a child. Yeah. He said, I'm out of the game. We said, please, we need you. I'm a scientist now, a family man.

Yeah, I have a child. Yeah. There's no reason to be. Brought human life into the world. But boy, I mean, if you've been saving that one up, that was a mighty explosion. Thank you. Thank you, Jordan. And think of all the traveling you could do.

What do you mean? If you got those points. Oh, yeah. So, oh, boy. Would it apply across all credit cards? Or like one great card? Or just one card? Would I only be able to use it on one of my cards?

And also, does it apply to my debit card points? No, this is just credit cards, and this is across the board all credit cards. And is it credit cards that I have? That's points, miles, whatever the program is. Right, points, miles, whatever. Got it. Now, is this just credit cards that I currently have, or now that I have this power, can I just go open up a shit ton? Yes, you can open up a shit ton. I have my answer.

Really? Are you already a points guy, Nick? Yeah, but I don't do anything. I don't travel enough to get any points. But I do have my answer. What would the limitations of my x-ray vision be? Could I see through lead, for example?

No. No, I mean, it depends on the thickness of lead. Right. So, yeah, it's like your eyeballs are, you know, like an X-ray machine. You're going to somehow generate a tight beam of X-rays, and you'll be able to detect X-rays. So, you know, lead is probably not going to work. Just imagine what a standard x-ray machine can see, and that's kind of what you...

I love that the science guy's like, you know, like x-ray machines work. Your eyes are just going to work like an x-ray machine works. I believe, Jim, am I correct that you're some kind of optics scientist, right? You're working on, what are they called? Microscopes. Yeah, we're coming from the field of metrology where we use high voltages, we use

lasers, we use robots, we use plasma beams. Just don't give the lasers to the robots. There's a little movie called Terminator 2 Judgment Day that I think you need to watch. Day one stuff down at Jim's office, by the way. We don't want a Skynet on our hands.

You know you're a scientist when you can just make shit up and tell people that's your job and everyone just goes, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Thermal optics? Yep. This is an important question for me. This is an important question for me. I've seen x-ray machines like at my dentist's office or at the emergency room if I fractured a leg, which I haven't, thank God. Knock on wood, guys. But here's my question.

When I see in 3D, like let's say I'm on one side of a wall and there's a beautiful naked lady on the other side of the wall. Hubba hubba. Hubba hubba, exactly. This is primary. Or I look through the wall and there's some Hubba Hubba brand bubble gum. Yeah. Or double bubble gum. Hubba hubba for Hubba Bubba and double bubble.

Yeah. God, I want to fuck that gum. God, what if you had some bazooka bubble gum? You could look right through there and see if it was a good comic or not before you saw it. See what Murph is up to. You wouldn't have to wait until he's 10 cents. Auga for Bazooka Joe. Hubba Hubba for Hubba Bubba. Right.

And Double Bubble. Here's my question, Jim. And double bubble. Here's my question, Jim. If I look through a wall or whatever, is it like a Superman comic book where I would see things in vivid color? Or would I see them like an X-ray on one of those light boxes that they use in a doctor's office, and I see everything in a kind of black and white that reflects how dense it is. Yeah, you'd be seeing it in a gray scale.

And if you're looking through a wall, there'd be some obfuscation by some metal conduit. Sure, but you could see through the wall. I'm sure you could see some mammary gland on the other side of that wall. Yeah, but I wouldn't want to see. See, that's the thing. Like, to my mind, the first and primary use of x-ray vision is going to be that you can see everyone naked and no one can see you naked. It's a matter of when you're public speaking and you're trying, you don't have to imagine everyone naked. You've got the power because you know every single boob and dick in that room.

You know what I mean? But to me, it's almost creepy to see them like an x-ray machine. Sure. I would find that more upsetting than comforting. I think whatever benefit you're going to get from having x-ray vision, it's going to be overweighed. It's going to be outweighed by the negative.

Like, you're just going to be walking along and see somebody spleen, right? Like, oh, I just saw my grandmother spleen. I didn't want to see that. Creeped me out. But here's another consideration

that I've got going in my head, and I'm just sort of talking through this. Sure. For me, I am not a points guy. I'm certainly not the points guy from thepointsguy.com. Not now you're not. But that's what I'm thinking. Like right now, it seems like too much work to me to pick something out and blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah. But I'm pretty good with money, not bragging, but I'm pretty good with money. I feel comfortable paying off my credit card bill every month. That doesn't seem like it would be an issue for me. And so like right now, actually, I don't think – I literally don't have a credit card. But I could get one. I've got a good credit score. I'd get a nice one, get one of those Chase Sapphire Reserve that they like so much. Is that the Jennifer Garner card?

Which one is that? Is that the Samuel L. Jackson card? That's the one that made news headlines for being so points friendly. And when I went on tour with Judge John Honchman, we had a guy in the car named Matt. And Matt was a professional touring audio engineer. And he knew so much about points, and it was so inspirational to me. I was learning about all these worlds that had been opened up to him by points.

And I would like to get those points. I mean, I'm a tall man. I would love to sit in a nice seat on the airplane. Get a good Starwoods resort going for you and the family. Yeah, continental breakfast. God, I would love to go into an airport lounge and enjoy a free curry. Admiral's Lounge. No charge.

I just don't think, absent being a horny teenager or like a cat burglar, I don't see a ton of benefits for having an X-ray vision. If you worked in the trades, if you were a tradesman. Which trades? Well, like let's say you were an electrician. So you can just – oh, okay. Yeah. You're a plumber. You got a blockage.

I can go to the truck and get out the endoscopic camera and snake it. You don't even need to. Well, okay. Now I'm reconsidering. 50 bucks, I'll look through the wall. I'm reconsidering. Bomb defusing. I won't look through your wall for free.

Bomb defusing guy. But you can do it. I'm not doing it. Right. I'm not doing it. Have any of you ever tried to find a joist in your wall? It's very hard. You got to get a stud finder.

Studs don't exist. It's a myth. I've purchased literally four stud finders in my life as an adult. They don't work. Studs are a myth. It's perpetrated by Jews and mainstream media. The only real stud was Studs Terkel and he's gone. Sure.

There's no studs in anybody's wall. Just hammer that shit to your wall and keep your fingers crossed. I mean, in the 70 70s Burt Reynolds. We can all agree. Speaking of Hubba Hubba. And Hubba Bubba, which was the chewing gum that he chewed in all his movies. In his rider.

I was realizing Nick's seamless leap from Hubba Hubba to Hubba Bubba to Double Bubble. I'm like, that muscle is probably worked out by bojack horseman so hard like that is the like third most kind of joke you will see on that show there is such a great stupid hollywood name run currently in my outline for the episode that i'm working on now and it's either gonna get taken out all together because it's too stupid or Raphael is gonna like it so much

and he's gonna make it twice as long yeah I so I I was it was as a fan of the show it was amazing to see

that word sound alike association in real time it was really cool the muscles are flexed yeah okay but I let's be serious

in our lives I think I'm ready to make a call go ahead outside of outside of seeing people naked which I think we've established would be weird because it would be like grayscale anatomy. Sure. Not to be confused with Grey's Anatomy.

Outside of that, are there any other top uses for x-ray vision that we're overlooking here? for x-ray vision that we're overlooking here? I would, unless you're going to give yourself over to a career in infrastructure, I think it's wasted on you. Right. Like, I would have to go work for a metro and help with the digging of the subway tunnels and stuff. Like, I would have to become a civil servant.

It's like, with great power comes great responsibility. Sure. Right. I, could I, you know- I guess drifting oh right a lot of the um wadlord it would be great yeah you could play wadlord um would excuse me as i understand it a lot of the energy that when jim you're a physicist you might be able to confirm this for me a lot of the energy that is used by our refrigerators, our ice boxes, is used when we open the door and hold it open. So there is an environmental argument if, and Jim, maybe you can clarify this for me,

would I have enough acuity in my X-ray vision to be able to recognize, for example, the labels on condiments without opening the door of my refrigerator? Let's say that your ability to resolve fine details would be the same as your standard vision in the visual spectrum. Yeah. So that is a green argument for it. That's nice. You wouldn't have to open that. But still. I think I'm ready to make a call. Okay.

Jordan, what's your call? And I think I have been, I think my track record at Would You Rather is poor. Yeah, that's true. I am not great at it. Yeah. So maybe you guys should listen to what I have to say. Then do the opposite. Then say the opposite. If winning is, I don't know what's more important to you guys, winning the game or staying true to your heart.

Right. It's just a question we all have to ask ourselves. This is why Big Brother is such a great show. Yeah. It is. Can I just say. It's a really good show. We've been doing this show for, what, 11 years?

Mm-hmm. I didn't come here to make friends. Whoa, okay. You came to win. Yeah. So look. I wonder what the prize is at the end of this. You know how you, me, and Jim have been friends for 20 years?

This has all been, you've been alliance building. Yeah, exactly. So, there are some uses for x-ray vision that are very appealing. Yeah, I mean, I automatically went to card cheat right going to vegas seeing all the cards yeah playing a hand right letting them ride sure down by the river split those deuces right para jacks shrimp cocktail war what's it good for? Absolutely nothing. And, you know, like obviously there's a, you know, a prurient Santa Monica.

Santa Monica. There's an appeal to seeing through the clothes. Right. But what kind of person looks at someone through their clothes using an alien superpower without their permission? Right. Man. This is not. Mankind. This is.

Humankind. Mankind. Mankind. I think this is not. But it would be immoral. This is not who I want to be when I, you know, send my children off to war. I want to tell them that their dad. That they're dying.

Isn't, hasn't been peeping at people on the street. Right. And, you know, like, obviously, you know, nudity is fun because it's occasional. Right. Am I ruining nudity for myself? Yeah, if you were in a village where no one wore clothes, and sure, that National Geographic guy, when he comes by, he's going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

But then what's erotic to you? This is just normal. Then only an eclipse. The only thing left is hot wifing. Yeah, sure. Or a solar eclipse. only an eclipse. The only thing left is hot wifing. Yeah, true.

How about this? For every illegal illicit boob you watch, you have to inform one woman if she needs a mammogram. Every time you see a lump, you have to tell the woman, you should go

get checked out. So it's like a service, a public service. And I have not been a points guy for most of my life, but recently I've become a points guy. Really? I get an Amazon rewards card. I get myself some Amazon credit. I treat myself with that credit. I don't just use it on toothbrushes and cat food.

No. I get something daddy's been wanting. Some Kirkland boxer briefs? Oh, yeah. You could use it on dad food and cat brushes. Yes, exactly. Dad food. So, yeah.

I mean, and I, and obviously with this newfound power, I could get more into the world of points. Airline miles. Star wins rewards. There is a hotel at Legoland. A Lego hotel. Well. I'm just saying. Well, there you go.

What? So, I'm just saying. Well, there you go. So I'm going for, I think my vote is for credit card points. Yeah. I mean, for me, I think my greatest concerns are the ones that you outlined. That any sexual charge I would gain from it would be counterbalanced by the immorality and would be... I should just point out that you could then re-counterbalance it with more sexual... You could just watch more boobs.

Right. Just to play devil's advocate. Yeah. But my concern would be that it would make me feel bad to do that to people without their consent. And then also I think that it would make me feel bad to do that to people without their consent. And then also I think that I would become inured to its pleasures quite quickly, that the impact of that. And that there's not a lot of other places in my life where it would be that useful.

And while I'm not a points guy, I think I would like to get upgrades. Specifically, upgrades is my interest here. Like, I feel like I would love to check into something and they look at my thing. They, oh, I'm going to go ahead and give you an upgrade, sir. I'd like to be addressed as sir sincerely rather than sarcastically also. Like, rather than sassily. Sure, sir. So for me, I'm surprised.

As a total non-points guy, I'm as surprised as anyone to say this, but I think I'm going with the points. How do you feel, Nick? If I had any facility towards being handy or, you know, if there was a world where I would go into business as a plumber or as some sort of contractor, I think there's a world where a would go into business as a plumber or as some sort of contractor. I think there's a world where a guy could get that skill and

make millions of dollars for himself. I'm never going to be that person. And I don't... I've seen boobs. I'm married. Seen plenty of boobs. So, yeah. Nice. Yeah, cool, man. Yeah, I mean, and ten times the points, right?

Yeah. That's a fuck ton of points. There's so many points. You don't even have to travel very much. You don't have to do very much to get a benefit from that. So, yeah, it's points. It's an amazing life. Well, this is a very rare occasion for us. All three people in the studio in agreement about their choice here.

But this is a house of cards that could topple with the slightest gust of wind as soon as our friend Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, opens his mouth. Jim, we've all said that we would prefer ten times points to the superpower of X-ray vision. Are we right or are we wrong? vision. Are we right or are we wrong? Okay, guys, so just before I reveal the correct answer, I just want to say that I was kind of, I didn't expect it, but I was kind of hoping that you guys might go towards the route of altruism with your x-ray vision and think maybe first responder, maybe looking through earthquake rubble for survivors. But I'm not surprised that you guys went right to the boobs.

We got dogs for that. They got dogs that can do that. They have little vests. Dogs can't see boobs. Yeah, come on. The boobs argument is strong, and it requires a lot of deep discourse, so I appreciate that. But you know what? You all, in the end, are correct.

Yes! Yes! Nailed it! 500, baby. I just thought of something, though. Could you see through the earth to see valuable minerals? I want to be even less altruistic, if possible. See valuable minerals.

Surprisingly, that was the second place I was going to go. Oh, I just thought of that. Yeah. There's like a tungsten deposit underneath my house. Who knows? Find some borax. Do you know what tungsten deposit underneath my house. Who knows? Find some Borax. Do you know what tungsten looks like? Borax would really put a kick into your laundry.

Yeah, I think they use tungsten to make beets by Dre, I think. Oh, yeah. I think so. Wow. Wow, what a thrill, Jim. Yeah, this has been really amazing. We nailed it. Jim, it is always a joy.

It is always a joy to have you on the program. I hope it won't be years until you're on the program next. And, of course, the same goes for you, Barbara. It's always wonderful. It's always great to talk to Barbara. Keeping it steady at 12 miles an hour. Jim's friend from work. Hey, guys, happy to hear from you.

You call us back any time. We have a lot of time to kill here on 880. Great pleasure. Thanks, guys. And congratulations on the 500th episode. You have anything you want to plug? My new baby. She's great.

Parenthood, five-star reviews, two thumbs up. Congratulations, Jimmy. We, congratulations, Jimmy. We love you, buddy. He'll be, uh, with his new baby at the bell house in Brooklyn. Call your girlfriend. Uh, Jim, thanks so much. Always great to get to talk to you. Uh, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. How's it going, everyone?

I'm Oliver Wang. And I'm Morgan Rhodes. We have a brand new show on the Maximum Fun Network that we'd love to share with you. It's called Heat Rocks. Morgan, we should probably explain what a heat rock is. It is a banger, a fire track, true fire. Right. Dope album. Each episode we will bring on a special guest to join

us to talk about one of their heat rocks. It might be a musician. A writer. Maybe a scholar. I mean, I would have been happy to just talk to you about your heat rocks, but this is a different show. Yeah, I think people might enjoy hearing maybe the guests instead. To do that, you'll have to go to MaximumFun.org. So if you want to talk about hot music, you should check us out.

Heat rocks. Every week on Inside Pop, we take turns recommending something great from the world of pop culture to each other. And in the month of October, we're going big, very big, with the Big Sell 30. Every day for 30 days, we're going to suggest some type of pop culture to check out. Things that may not be on your radar, but will be well worth trying. From TV to music to movies and more, the Big Sell 30 is as irresistible as a Jedi mind trick. As convincing as an Annalise Keating closing argument. And as

seductive as Miguel singing a ballad shirtless and slightly sweaty. Follow us on Twitter at Pop Insiders for daily big sells and listen to Inside Pop every week for big sells from some special guests. The Big Sell 30 starts October 1st and runs every day of the month on Inside Pop. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams. What did... I always...

I just... I love Jim. Jim's great. Nick's great. Nick Repeat Adams. What did I always? I just I love Jim. Jim's great. Nick's great. Nick's great. You and me. B minus. Sure.

If that. If that. Yeah. A lot of fun. When something momentous happens to you, like you have the 500th episode of your smash hit podcast. We ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN and tell us what it's like to have... That's why all our calls are from Matt Myra.

What it's like to have a hit podcast. Yeah. We desperately want to know. 206-984-4FUN is the number. Here's our first call. Hi, this is Nick out of Denver, Colorado. I'm in the process of moving out of my apartment. And parked out front of my building was a hearse.

And leaning on it and just going to town on one another, making out, were two individuals. The time right now is 1140 a.m. So I guess they're trying to conquer death or something. All right. Bye. So I'll say this about this call. It's our 500th episode. The stakes are pretty high.

He could really ruin our entire legacy by coming incorrect. And the honest truth is, is seeing two people making out on a hearse that momentous? I mean, it's all right. It's pretty good. It's not awful. Yeah.

You know, it's not a disaster. Nah. But I think he's really delivered two sort of coup de grace blows that really bring him to the level of 500th episode column. The first is a little bit of armchair analysis, a little insight that he drops casually that he thinks they're probably trying to conquer death. I think that's true. I think that's true. I think that's a really good point. I think more important than that, he saw fit to timestamp it.

I mean, right, because if this is late at night, you know. The witching hour. The witching hour. It makes a little more sense. Things get loosey-goosey. But almost lunch? Yeah. And also I think researchers from the future are going to want to know exactly when this happened.

Or else the data is not useful. I mean, this is my thought. I mean, I don't know if there's a lot of adult entertainment being produced in Denver, Colorado. I mean, who knows? No. I've never even seen adult entertainment. I couldn't tell you if the Rockies are in the background. Sure.

But- Probably it's much shorter because of the altitude. they just can't have sex all right you get winded brief intense sex scenes i want to be clear that when i say the rockies in the background i'm talking about the colorado rockies baseball team yeah rocky the denver nuggets mascot greg holland is there maybe a nolan arenado yeah um but i mean i you know i've certainly i mean i've i know you have never seen adult entertainment jesse uh i have um for research for work i wrote on the deuce and by by what you mean you got your agent to get you a shooting script of the deuce you wrote yeah i just doodle yeah i just made some notes in the margins james stanko You got your agent to get you a shooting script of the deuce. You wrote your grocery list.

Yeah, I just made some notes in the margins. James Stanko changed his name. Deuce. I wrote. And I have seen in adult entertainment, and I think there's definitely a subgenre of transportation-based adult entertainment. Vans. How am I going to pay for this cab ride? You ride around in a sexy hearse looking for girls to pick up

is this just a gothier version of that is this for for the Mopi set I think the thing that is missing from this story and I don't disagree with leaving it out because it gives it an air of mystery is whether these were goths

I think goths would be goths would be doing this as a sort of lifestyle choice. Whereas I think a non-goth would be doing this as more of a fuck you to God and death. Was the hearse pre-Ghostbusters paint job? Right. I mean, I know our listeners. If there was a Ghostbusters paint job, he would have like it was already been. I mean I think he did if there was I mean I know our listeners

if there was a Ghostbusters paint job he would have said Ecto-1. No see like maybe like they bought the hearse and there was a romantic situation that developed

between these two individuals before they could go get it painted with the Ghostbusters paint job it just the moment came upon them and they just

they couldn't resist. So maybe they aren't gothy. They were just like pre-Ghostbusters. They're putting together an elaborate Ghostbusters Halloween costume that includes pulling up in an Ecto-1 that you made out of a hearse. Can I just say this? Yeah. If you don't want to ruin my childhood. Oh, boy.

Can I ask that if you're going to go to the expense of painting a vehicle to look like the Ghostbusters vehicle, can you at least get an old-timey station wagon ambulance and not just use a hearse and think that's good enough? Yeah, come on. It's not good enough. Holly weird. Yeah. Come on. Respect what Melissa McCarthy would drive. Respect the tradition.

Yeah. He did timestamp it, which was hilarious to me, but if I saw that at night coming home in my neighborhood, I would just kind of shrug and be like, that's what single people are doing these days. I'm married. I have kids. I don't know what it takes to get ladies these days. Maybe you have to get a hearse. I don't know. Maybe you got to do some hearse grinding. Who am I to judge?

But in the daytime, yeah, come on. Keep it together. We've got one more momentous occasion call. Brian has told us this one is worthy of our 500th episode. Let's give it a listen. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and whoever's choosing the calls this week. This is Anna in Cincinnati, and I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. My boyfriend, John, of two and a half years, and I recently decided to get married.

Yay! Gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to play this on the show, this will be our only actual, like, grand romantic gesture. Sweetheart, I want to build the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me? Yeah, so that was the actual proposal. We haven't actually said it that way yet. But, you know, Jordan, Jesse, guys, he won't hear this if you don't play it.

So help me out, please. You should know that after John introduced me to Jordan, Jesse, go, I have gone back and listened to the entire back catalog of episodes. And I think it's better than you think it is. But while others have done the engagement by podcast, I don't think you've actually had anyone call in during their wedding to for the i now pronounce you man and wife yay part you play this for me on the show and we can be your first couple to do that yeah do it do it please seriously would you please do that it would be great okay thanks bye uh can i just clarify one thing yeah I don't think she's bargaining in good faith. How so?

I think that she knows perfectly well that any betrothal that's built on affirmament of shared interest in Jordan, Jesse Goh, will never last until an actual marriage ceremony. actual marriage ceremony. There's no way in a thousand years that both of you are both too good and too bad for each other if you both listen to Jordan and Jesse go. Burn bright. Burn fast. Yeah. You better. I would say the elopement is your only hope of actually consummating this marriage.

We'll get that. We'll get that. Sweet. I now pronounce you man and wife call. Episode 501, episode 504, the divorce hearing. Yeah, it'll be like

episode 504, Brad is not who I thought he was. Sure. He was apparently listening, there was someone on the side

he was listening to My Favorite Murderer with. I feel like it doesn't, this is not even a marriage that's headed for divorce. I think, and we'll have to get, Brian, can you get Pope Francis on the line?

I think this is grounds for annulment. Hello, it's me, Pope Francis. Jesse, did you have something you wanted to tell me? I'm on my cell. I forget what country I'm from. Aren't you from Latin America? No, I don't know. He's got a Yakov Smirnoff thing going, too.

What a trinity. I... In Soviet Russia, Jesus saves you. Also, the rest of the world. I think that any marriage that is built on a proposal on Jordan, Jesse, go is not a real marriage and is thus annulable. But I was confused. They already agreed to get married. It sounds like what happened is they agreed to get married in a general

sense. Sure. This is something that a lot of... Nick, you're a Generation X or not a millennial like I am. So you don't know this because you're one and a half years old. I'm an Xennial. Go ahead. I'm a Xenial. Is that what it's called? I've been saying Xenial.

No. It's like Xalophon. I'm a Xeniel. Is that what it's called? I've been saying Xeniel. No. It's like Xalophon. I'm a third thing where the sole defining characteristic of your generation is beating off to Xena Warrior. Oh, okay. Sure. I think, Nick, that a lot of young people are agreeing on the idea of getting married without the practical should we actually get married. And this is her finding a way to memorialize it. And by memorialize it, I mean acknowledge that it has died, that the dream has died. So it's like when women basically make their – like, yeah, yeah, this is going somewhere.

But we're not, like, engaged. Well, like with my with my wife and I, my wife and I had been together probably 10 years before we got engaged. And sort of what happened was we loved each other very much. And we're getting along very well. We went for a walk one day with our dog and in our neighborhood of Koreatown. And, and my wife said to me, honey, you know, I feel like things are going really well between us. And I was like, yeah, and she's like, I feel like things are going really well between us. And I was like, yeah. And she's like, it seems like we should probably be thinking about getting married. And I was like, oh, it hadn't occurred to me.

But she doesn't come from a broken home and is a woman. And I was like, oh. And then later I proposed to her. When clearly what was happening was she was establishing some ground rules for us continuing to consort. So what we got, we think, is the grand romantic gesture that comes after the practical agreeing upon of terms. Right. you know practical agreeing upon of terms right so there's that and then there's and then there's

the then there's the flowery explosion of emotion which is what we're providing guy are you do you you guys don't think this is a little bit beautiful i feel like i feel like we're approaching this cynically i feel like i was i i was ready to be i was ready to be swept up in love which is real apparently but i i thought it was really beautiful because of their shared love and i think nick and i are both in uh loving marriages with uh wives that we adore um and we can appreciate the value of a true loving marriage. It's my biggest concern. Jordan, it's kind of the building block of civilization.

You might not be able to. It's in the Bible. It's in the Bible. It's really important. But what I— I know you have the Bible, but infinite jest is the Bible to me. To me? Yeah.

To me? Infinite jest is the Bible to me. To me? Yeah. To me? Infinite Jest is the Bible to me. To me? You're more spiritual than you are religious. That's right. I don't know. Okay. The Mona Lisa is huge.

But my biggest, the one thing I am cynical about is anyone who goes back and listens to every George Jackson song. Guys, I think it's not beautiful. All of them? I haven't listened to more than

eight or ten. You know what I mean? Yeah, it never really grabbed me. I'll go back and I'll see if Paula Tompkins

has been on or whatever. Like a professional successful entertainment person. That's all. I think it is beautiful. It's beautiful. I hope that the two

of them it sounds like they share a beautiful love and that their marriage will be fruitful provide them with many heirs many heads of cattle I believe

based on the opening titles of WKRP in Cincinnati there's a cool fountain in Cincinnati maybe you can do some wedding pictures there those would be great it's a big fountain oh you know who lives in Cincinnati Nick L's a cool fountain in Cincinnati. Maybe you can do some wedding pictures there. Oh, sure. Those would be great. It's a big fountain.

Oh, you know who lives in Cincinnati? Nick Lachey. Travis McElroy. He's a Cincinnatian, I believe. You guys should see if you can find him. Nick Lachey. I think he's a Cincinnatiite. Yeah.

Yeah. Cincinnati. I was going to say Travis McElroy's dog, Buttercup. Oh, yeah. I would try and get Buttercup in the wedding. That would be great. Yeah, maybe she could carry the ring or something. Yeah.

Maybe officiate. Yeah. Okay. So hit us with that man and wife shit sooner rather than later. Guys, just go do it. Yeah. Just go do it. Don't wait until it's done.

Just do it. And now people are doing titanium rings. That's cool. People are doing fucking rings. Like stone and stuff. Yeah now people are doing like titanium rings. That's cool. People are doing like fucking rings. Like stone and stuff. Yeah. Think about doing a cool ring. Get some stone rings.

Get some stone rings, man. Like a stone ring made from titanium. If you didn't go with the point, just go ahead and look for those minerals. Yeah. Just look for the tungsten that's under your house. Okay. 206-984-4FUN is our number. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat, Adams. 500 episodes Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat, Adams. 500 episodes, Jordan. We laugh and we joke every week on this program, Jordan, Jesse Goh. But if I can beg your forgiveness in being maudlin for a moment. Sure, please.

It is. I'll just be over here reading this nudie Mexican comic book. What is that even an allusion to? There's nudie Mexican comic books. Right. Yeah. That's it. It's just an allusion.

Yeah. It's like something your older brother would get when he went to Tijuana on spring break and bring back some new Mexican comic books. But anyway, it is astonishing that we've made 500 of these things. But I'm glad to be here. We're glad to have you here with us, Nick. I'm glad that Brian Fernandez is back from London and I can say sincerely that I'm so proud of our dumb show. I'm so proud that we get to come and do this every week

and I'm so glad and look forward every week to coming and seeing you, Jordan, and getting to laugh at something amazing that you say and uh this is jordan jesse goes one of the great joys of my life and it's been uh a steady a steady drum beat for 11 years that makes my life so much richer and so much better and uh i'm so grateful to uh both the guy in port to both the guy in Portland and the guy in Portland, Maine and the guy from the comic book shop in Brooklyn

right all three of you have really we're so grateful that you make it possible for us to do this dumb thing so thanks to you guys and especially thanks to you Jordan for being a pal

and making this show over these many years. It's like – it's absolutely the – I mean it's probably better than my children. It's probably the best part of my life. It's right up there. It will be my – Pretty support. Yeah. No, this is such a joy to do and it's so amazing that we can still do it.

It's like this is not a kind of show that should exist. It's like if we wanted to start a rock band. Can you imagine? Can you imagine such a thing? Yeah, it's a dumb non-format, and there's no reason for it to exist other than that people like it and we like doing it. So, yeah, thank you so much to everybody who listens. And, yeah, and to you, Jesse, for keeping doing this despite the fact that you have many other podcasts. Oh, I thought you were just going to say despite the fact that we didn't make any money at all.

It was my sole means of support for like 10 years. Sure. Yeah, no, I mean you have many other podcasts and a uh and a family and i'm sure if there's if you're looking at a list of things to ditch to make your life a little bit easier i'm sure there's a world where this is pretty high up there so it's uh it's very cool that we can still get together and do this and uh fuck man nick you're always great on the show i think it's so nice of you to come in. And, you know, I know our guests don't listen except for Steve Agee. So I'm going to say a big thank you to our recurring guest, Steve Agee.

And, Steve, if you see Chris Fairbanks and Alison Becker and Robin Thede out there and all the other people who keep coming. Karen Colgariff. Karen Colgariff and all the other people who come on this dumb show despite it not doing anything for their careers. We appreciate it. And, yeah, thanks so much for listening. We like doing it and we hope to do it for a long time more. And a special thank you. I want to give a special thank you to the one guy who came up to Al Madrigal in a comedy club once and told him how much he enjoyed him appearing on Jordan Jesse Go. That has made Al think that this is a popular show ever since.

Sure, yeah. Go that has made Al think that this is a popular show ever since. Sure. Yeah. Um, yeah. Thanks for, thanks for 500 great episodes and thanks for supporting us. It means so much to us and, uh, our special thanks this week to Brian Fernandez back on the boards. Um, you know, we've been working with Brian now on Jordan Jesse go for years and, uh, worked with him for years, years before he was a ridiculous goober who showed up

from a weird Christian college that he didn't graduate from somewhere near Aptos and showed up at my door in Koreatown. And we were literally like, we like this guy, but Teresa and I had a meeting about whether we should hire him for an unpaid job and sat him down and said, like, we just need to make sure you're not, like, mental or anything. This is like the cut scene at the beginning of a Tomb Raider video game. game yeah um so thank our thanks to brian who's such a huge part of uh making this show uh what it is which is to say divisive and substantially alienated sure um we'll talk to you next time on jordan jessica give a little time for the child within you Don't be afraid to be young and free Watch to the locks and throw away the keys

And take off your shoes and sex and run Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and guests. This is Sarah from Rochester, New York. This is Alan calling from Savannah, Georgia. Tim from Iowa. Alex from Texas. Anthony, I'm from Ohio. Morgan in Scotland. Masha from San Diego. Scar Tim from Iowa. Alex from Texas. Anthony, I'm from Ohio. Morgan in Scotland.

Masha from San Diego. Scarlett from London. This is Rachel. Kids Dr. Dave calling from Indiana. I started listening to Jordan Jesse Go 10 years ago. I can't believe I've been listening to this dumb show for so long. When I was 17. Since it was the Untitled Thorn Morris Project.

I started listening to you guys and I just couldn't stop. And you guys were the very first podcast that I downloaded. The very first podcast I listened to. You guys have been like friends to me, who ride home with me every Monday night from work. But I actually love my Monday morning commute because I get to laugh my ass off with JJ Go. You guys have been with me for a decade now. And you've gotten me through a lot of highs and lows through my life. In that decade, I've

lived in four countries. Through momentous occasions, you can track my personal growth through the last three years. I've had surprisingly 18 different jobs. The show has just been this great through line in my life.

Without you guys, I would have never gotten through grad school. Jordan Jesse Goh provided me with friends when I first needed them at university. I lost a girlfriend and a job in my apartment all within a month. And the first time that I remember laughing or having a good time again is when I met Jordan and Jessica. You've also been with me when I decided to start drawing and making my own comics. Without JJ Go and Max Fun, I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. But I'll never forget the first time I held my newborn daughter as I looked at a painting of Tyrese penetrating the blowhole of a killer whale. This is how you boys have touched me. Great, like, warm blanket of comfort and weirdness and

acceptance. Almost restored my faith in cis heterosexual white men. And Jordan Jesse Goh has been there through a lot of dark times for me. Every single week, no matter how I'm feeling otherwise, your bullshit and penis jokes mean that I get at least one hour of crying from laughing and not from the pain of being alone. You guys are just so special to me. This is the thing I look forward to most

on Mondays. The reason, one of the reasons I get up in the morning is to listen to you guys and to laugh. Happy 500th episode, Jordan Jesse Gill. I wouldn't trade this fandom for anything in the world. I love you guys and to laugh. Happy 500th episode, Jordan Jesse Gill. I wouldn't trade this fandom for anything in the world. I love you guys.

Sincerely, keep it up. Thanks, JJ Gill. Congrats. Even on the worst of days, it can always bring a smile to my face. So thanks so much, you guys. Here's to another 500. Happy 500th. I love you. Love you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.