Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 502: If Cats Could Talk with Dan Kennedy

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their deep dive on Ghengis Khan and his murdering, cannibalistic horde to talk to writer and podcast host Dan Kennedy about Dan's new chill persona, crazy stunts that people have done they pitch to network executives, and Jesse's recent breakfast crisis.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we take a look at the legacy of Genghis Khan and his Mongol horde. Khan and his Mongol horde. They're murdering, crop destroying, cannibalism. Treasure plundering.

Wait, were they cannibals? You know, Jesse, I'm starting to have second thoughts about the topic of our podcast. Really? One, we don't know if Genghis Khan was a cannibal or not. Right. We're not experts on Genghis Khan. But are we? But it's fun. It's like the Gilmore Boys.

Are we lifting up? Yeah. Are we lifting up a monster? Are we salaciously pouring over this guy's life week in and week out only to be, you know, and obviously we're doing this, you know, kind of under the umbrella of, you know, history, facts, learning, curiosity. But at what point does it become salacious? At what point are we just saying, here are the—

Well, I think at the point where I lose my love of lifelong learning. Sure. And Lord knows we can't have that. That would be a tragedy on par with any of history's greatest tragedies, such as Genghis Khan's possible cannibalism. So why don't we turn over a- That was when he was crossing the Alps, I think. Sure, yeah. On elephant back.

Yeah, how do you get those elephants up the Alps? Honestly, that whole period of history is kind of shady. Also, where did he even get a fiddle, much less fiddle while Rome burned? I think he carved it out of human bone after he stripped the flesh from it with his teeth. I like this. That was my impression of Genghis Khan cannibalizing one of his enemies or one of his friends. You know, I think instead of... Vladimir Lenin. Visualizing one of his enemies or one of his friends? You know, I think instead of- Vladimir Lenin.

That's who it was. Instead of going back and forth about who he may or may not have eaten, why don't we turn over a new leaf? Could have been Trotsky. And pick a new topic. I mean, obviously, that's something we're going to have to workshop, talk over with the board. Right. Focus group. Brian's going to have to write a lot of new grant applications.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, that's a process that's going to take a lot of time. You know, pouring over the deeds of a monster and, you know, potentially lifting him up as an example. Right. Which I know you and I both don't want to do. A lot of kids turn to our show for heroes because our country is short on heroes, especially with all these athletes forgetting to stick to sports. Exactly. So why don't we do this? So why don't we do this? While we're workshopping the new format, while we're, you know, while we're asking, while we're workshopping the new format, why don't for this week as a placeholder, let's just have a kind of an aimless rambling chat with an author and or podcast host.

Like a trial balloon. Like the balloon that Genghis Khan took over the world. Alright, alright, alright. We're done. We're done with Khan. Got it. Khan's out. Got it. Something else is in. But for now, we're just chatting. But Khan's out.

Great news, Jordan. I'm willing to go along with this idea. And we're being visited by not just a writer. not just a memoirist, not just a novelist, but also an acclaimed storyteller, which is a sort of less funny stand-up comedy, and the host of The Moth podcast. He's probably met some of those gritty policemen from that show. His name, Dan Kennedy. Hi, Dan. Ah, hello.

You ever meet any of those gritty policemen from the Moth podcast? Yeah, I've met some gritty policemen from the Moth podcast. They've got stories. I'm a little, I'm sort of freaked out because I was, I got an email. I was booked on because you guys host a podcast about Genghis Khan. Right. But now you're switching format. No.

This week – so in the past, our show has had a strong theme and a reason for people to subscribe to and listen to it. Listen to it. This week, we've decided to jettison that and just focus on the little foibles of middle class, straight, white, cisgendered male life. Right. In the first world. So we're going to do, this might be a first, like a podcast whose theme is three white guys yakking. Yeah. Yeah. first, like a podcast whose theme is three white guys yakking.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, ideally, we'll remember stuff from our childhood, talk about like a new fad that confuses us. Something from Nickelodeon. Yeah, sure. Yep. Complain about reboots. If we really wanted to do this right, and I like your idea of three white guys yakking,

Dan, what if we added a yak to the mix? Sure. Or some yak. 1990 slang for malt liquor. As long as the yak or yak doesn't have a perspective that's too different from ours. Right. Because I want my references to be understood by you guys. I want you to get where I'm coming from and have similar problems.

And I don't really want to have to, like, you know, like consider somebody else's experience. So hopefully this yak or yak can be coming from a similar place, kind of growing up on a coast and, you know, around the same time. I feel like it's one of those things where we could do a couple and see how it feels and we could have that discussion offline if the yak's not working out. Great. Sure. Yeah.

Just kind of bring the, rotate them in. Don't like, don't like promise them a spot, but just, can I tell you a problem that I have? Sure. The yak won't talk to me outside of the context of the show.

Sure. He refers me to his agent. Okay. That's arguably professional though. Yeah. He refers me to his agent. Okay. That's arguably professional, though. Yeah. Especially for a yak. I feel like that's an animal trying to come up to speed with what is going on. It's not.

I should explain. It's not an entertainment agent. This is a curd agent. I don't know what the... Oh. Fermented curd. Oh, right. Yeah.

Do they eat that? Fermented butter. Fermented butter agent. Oh, they. Yeah. Do they eat that? Fermented butter. Fermented butter agent. Oh, they make that. He focuses on Mongolia. He was originally referred to me because this used to be a Genghis Khan podcast. Right. Sure.

I mean, I can see how that would. Here's my problem with the yak. Yeah. It's that sax. This yak. This yak's always playing this sax. Yeah. He starts in and this.

And it seems to be the only song he knows. Yeah. And when that music starts, I can't get a hold of myself. I just got to run from a gorilla. I just got to run from a gorilla. We've been doing this weird bit for a long time. I do feel like it'd be a great time to talk about my upcoming children's book, The Yak with the Sacks in a Sack. This is a seamless segue.

It's going to seem like we did that whole thing just to talk about the book. Yeah, well, let's talk about my porn parody, The Yak and a Sax. But the sax is like... Right, that classic porn style soft sax music. Yeah. This does sort of lead to... What about Yaks fucking? sax music.

Yeah. This does sort of lead to- What about Yaks? Fucking. The fact that we're talking about saxophones really does lead to sort of a thought that I had on my way over here. Yeah, what's that, Dan? Here's the thing about Jordan Jesse Go. Yes.

Have you noticed this about Jordan Jesse Go? Probably not. We don't consider the show. We don't give it any thought. I think about it before or after. Frankly, I don't think about it during. Sure. Think about it before or after.

Frankly, I don't think about it during. Sure. In the boxes of research that I walked past to get in here. Right. I wonder if this isn't observed in that work. So there are you two sitting with microphones. And then there's a third person. Here's what I've observed.

The third person is like, hang on. Let me get a piece of that wave. Like all the time. They they're like you're being funny I'm coming in and I was like you know what I'm not going to keep trying to come in and be funny I'm going to do I'm going to basically be a Muppet jazz musician

on the episode and I'm going to sort of do this like Steely Dan flatline laid back guest to bring like a new... See, I'm already doing it. Yeah. No, I like...

Did you see how chill it got in here? Did you see like our postures all changed? Yeah, so I'll pause that long between things. Like I'll go... But the reason I want to do it is to bring a new... you know new dynamic. Whoa.

I love that pause, by the way. That was really powerful. That was. My chair turned into a hammock. Thank you. But so a couple of questions regarding your chill. One, I notice, I think, I don't know, in the history of this show, you might be the first guest to ever do the show while pounding a Red Bull, which you're doing. How do you feel like that's going to affect your overall levels of chill and steely Dannyosity?

Well, I sort of learned a long time ago that Red Bull for me is a little bit like I think Ritalin. It just improves my focus and kind of calms me down. Sure. It calms me down. Sure. It sort of matches my internal speed with how I perceive the speed of the world happening, and I kind of lay back. Like cocaine with Donald Fagan of Steely Dan. I don't know that.

Yeah. I don't know if that's true. R.I.P.? Yeah. Can't say that for sure. No, we can't really say that. Hard to say. Okay, so you feel like the bowl's evening you out. Yeah, I think it does.

I think it does. Now, how did the sweet and sour Skittles that you were eating work? How does that fit in? I don't know. That's this weird system I've done since about 2009. Those are new, by the way. Yeah, I know. Those sweet and sour Skittles are new.

They replaced General Tso's Skittles. Yeah, which were huge. Yeah, sorry. You know, I don't know. I've had Skittles and Red Bull for a long time. I always get a sugar-free Red Bull, and then as a sort of as an addict, I'm like, well, if it's sugar-free, I got a little room to move.

Sure. Let's get some candy, too. Why not? This is what's being discussed right now at AA meetings across this great nation. That's right. Room to move. That's the 11th. That's the. Room to move. That's the 11th. That's the famous 11th step. 11.5.

What you got there, the Red Bull and the Skittles, that's a 7-Eleven speedball. Yeah. It might be. It might be, right? Yeah. So this is a normal kind of thing. You can operate like this. Well, yeah.

Full of Red Bull and Skittles. Yeah. I don't do it a lot at home, but. When you're on the road. When I'm on the road. Because, yeah, because you are not from here. You're visiting from elsewhere. Yes, I'm visiting from elsewhere.

Also, I think this is a thing I realized on my way up the elevator that I do this Red Bull. I always get sugar-free Red Bull and Skittles when I hang out with my sister. If we meet up somewhere and she lives in Northern California and in the times we've met up places, it's always like a hotel room where we play like, you know, board games and try to like have this relationship with each other. Yeah. Family moment of like playing, you know playing some new trendy card game and then – Yeah, you want to play a little settlers in a double tree.

Yeah, exactly. If you want to reconnect with a sibling, play some settlers in a double tree. And then I always get – we always have Red Bull and Skittles. But then it occurred to me I don't think Trish ever has Red Bull and Skittles, so I have a problem. Well, that's what they say if you're doing it alone. Yeah, and essentially I am. Let's face it. I just said I'm doing it alone in hotel rooms.

Dan, do you hide Red Bull and Skittles around the house? You know, I don't hide the cans, but I'm keenly aware of how much is left in this one. Sure. That's all I'm thinking about. Gotcha. And I'm planning about when I'll enjoyly aware of how much is left in this one. Sure. That's all I'm thinking about. Gotcha. And I'm planning about when I'll enjoy the last of it. You've got your hand in your pocket fondling your Price Club card so you can head back. That's the place to get a case of Diet Red Bull is Price Club.

Do you ever fuck with a monster or a rock star? No, and there's something – I don't know why and it's certainly not like I'm not trying to pull rank on those people that enjoy those two beverages. But there's something that always reminds me about being in a tough spot living next to a lake with a lot of algae about each of those. You know what I mean? I don't know what it is. Maybe the only bright spot in your life is an inner tube-based activity. Yes, maybe. Sure.

Yeah. Okay. I don't know why, but I always feel like that. I'm always like when I see the monster graphics and the – Yeah, there are like aesthetic problems to drinking them. Whereas, you know, like a reasonable person can carry around a Red Bull can, especially a diet Red Bull can where the graphics are a little more muted. But yeah, I understand like, you know, not wanting people to judge you for carrying around a giant, you know, camouflage can. Also this weird thing where like why do those beverages look like the kind of tapestries you would win at a carnival or at the state fair?

Sure. Do you know what I mean? Why do they look like a promotional Guns N' Roses mirror? I think all these products are pitched at the same sort of person. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. The thing that baffles me the most about energy drink marketing is not why monster energy drink pitches itself with like like some sort of uh uh radioactive dinosaur attack

theme it's why is the theme of uh red bulls advertising a combination of sponsoring extreme sports and european style animation sure yeah Like something from a Danish animation festival is what they're putting on television. Something you would see at Spike and Mike in 1994. Not sick and twisted. No, standard. Standard animation. Yeah. Something you would see alongside a Don Hertzfeld.

Yeah, sure. I might like being the target, but it makes sense to me. That makes sense. It works. It feels right. Yeah. Like if we drank a half case of this, don't you think we'd all be going like, dude, we should do some cool animation thing. Have you?

And then like in the same breath, we'd be like, I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can jump that part of that lake over there on an enduro motorcycle. No, I mean the two thoughts do go hand in hand. They kind of do. Also, I wanted to ask a question regarding your chill. We did some talking before you came in about you wearing your rainbow brand flip-flops, whether or not you were going to wear them to the record because I noticed them at MaxFunCon. Yeah, MaxFunCon East. I wondered, you were wearing them, I was wondering if you were doing a bit

where you wore rainbow brand flip-flops, but these have become a part of your lifestyle. Something really weird happened right before MaxFunCon East where I just, there's kind of a larger story to this. I don't know if I'm really ready to talk about it but we got a place. Sure. I can't help but notice that you have some notes in your hand and our rule is if you're

going to tell a story no notes. You know Jordan. We have a space here is what I'm saying. Safe space? No it's a judgmental space. Like the one we all grew up in. Yeah, yeah. Pretty harsh.

The one thing I wanted to come here today and discuss with Jordan in particular is we're all storytellers. Sure, sure. It's in our narrative. Sure, yes. Like the caveman who scribbled on walls. Yes. Yeah. And also- Gathered around a campfire. I don't know if you've ever- narrative yes like the caveman who scribbled on walls yes yeah and also uh i also gathered around

a campfire i wanted i don't know if you've ever have you had umami it's like the fifth flavor but it's more of a flavor it's it's also a mouth you just learned that right when you went to the burger place you didn't know that before no good point but i want to sort of move on from all that. Sure. Talk about get into this story. We got to get into this story. Yeah, stories. Narrative. I live for this stuff. I work in advertising.

Can we just say one sort of thing before we move into the next whatever we're going to do is that when I'm gone and I wanted to say this on record on the podcast. Please. Celebrate my life. Thank you. Don't be sad. Make it a party. Okay. Should it be the ceremony?

Quick question. If you could characterize the ceremony, would you say you'd like a religious ceremony or something more spiritual? Sure. Spiritual. Energy. Energies. We're all made of energy. I don't know what it is.

Is that the soul? I don't know what a soul is, but I know that a soul is. By the way, you had every opportunity to know what a soul is because you were locked in your in-law's cabin, evidently, with a book of nothing but what souls are. Yes. But you chose to read something else entirely. So many. I want to clarify. This is something that came up on the show recently, and I felt bad.

On this show. On this program. I read Mark Twain at my in-law's cabin because of the shortage of books on the bookshelf. There's a variety of books. Some of them are children's nature books from the early 1970s. Some of them are books about what happens after you die written by people who died and came back to life. Sure. And who moved my cheese. books about what happens after you die, written by people who died and came back to life. Sure. And Who Moved My Cheese.

And also Who Moved My Cheese, which I did read on one of my first trips to the cabin. Who was it? Okay, hold on. Spoilers for Who Moved My Cheese. I want to know. I'm not going to read it. It was the butler all along.

Ah, sure. The moral of the story, it's a business book. The moral of the story is you should be so rich you have a butler. That's a good philosophy. I should try that. I want to explain. My in-laws, my wife's parents, enjoy reading. Have both died and come back.

They enjoy reading and books. And they would not be likely to read a book written by – but this is Uncle Charlie's cabin, which – and Uncle Charlie, I've never been able exactly to pinpoint who Uncle Charlie is. He's not my wife's uncle. He might be – I think he is maybe my wife's grandparent's uncle. I think he is maybe my wife's grandparents' uncle. So this is a cabin that suffers from the economic principle of the community, the tragedy of the commons. on the bookshelf, except for very elderly Catholic members of the family who only read large print books about people who have died and come back to life. So I just don't want anyone to think that I'm insulting my relations, all of whom are literate people who love a good read.

They don't even own a television, probably. But you can take it. Well, they have the one. They have the one. Yeah. That they used to watch documentaries. Yeah. Documentaries on Netflix.

Mm-hmm. So, Dan, let's talk about these flops. Yeah. Yes. So, maybe, I guess, and I'm wondering if rainbows are kind of even kind of a regional thing that we need to explain to people. Well, I think we do because you're from Mission Viejo. Yes.

I'm from originally Orange County. The home of Mission Viejo. Known worldwide as the home of Mission Viejo in Orange County. It is, yeah, yeah. It is? Okay, I thought it was

in San Diego County. It's close. It's close. That's not an unreasonable thing to think. It's not, right? No, uh-uh. Similar vibes.

Similar access to the Irvine spectrum. Well, you know, I've been out of the Mission Viejo, Orange County loop and Newport Beach loop for a long time. And I've been living in New York. And I was recently, maybe like a year ago I was in LA doing stuff and I drove down to Newport Beach in Laguna to see some old friends and

and I didn't have any flip flops I just had all this New York City bullshit shoes you got these black Converse and so I went into this surf shop on 15th Street by Fry's Market and I was like, this place will have some cool – I know the place. Yeah.

Right on 15th Street by Fry's? Yeah. Yeah. The Good Fry's. Yeah. The Good Fry's. And I went in there and she said – and there were these flip-flops. This will make me sound really super old.

But they were like 53 or something and i was like who pays like flip-flops to me seem like a thing where you go like should i give you money or should do you just want this can and the rest of these skittles right i mean yeah and i mean you'd have to to be fair you have to give a few cans yeah a couple cans and so anyway well i think this is probably a place you know i think you have when you're paying for something you have to consider how much am i going to use this right and i think probably the area you were in and given that store you're gonna the people going in there are going to spend a lot of time in these flops yes you're right um you know and you want a flop a nice flop can dress it up, you can dress it down.

Do I have a wedding? Do I have a funeral? Yeah, if you're in Laguna, you got to look at the situations where those flops are going to be worn because, of course, you're going to spend a lot of time at the beach. Yes. Then you got movie theaters. Right. Weddings and funerals.

Sure. You need something. Business meetings. You need sex. A plane to kick them off on. Sexual situations. Sure. Sexual situations. Yeah, you're going to want to grip them off on. Sexual situation. Sure. Sexual situation.

Yeah, you're going to want to grip the flops between your toes. This is exactly why the salesperson pitched these flip flops to me. Adult dialogue. With that same list. She was like, I know you're thinking these are just flip flops, but should I bring to mind sexual situations? Sure. Blah, blah, blah. Adult dialogue.

So – Teen smoking. Are we just saying things that could get a PG-13 rating? Yeah, I think so. So I bought them. You bought them. She goes, they're the most comfortable things you'll ever wear. And then I walked like three blocks and they were the most painful things I've ever had on my feet in my life.

Like my toes were hurt. Like the thing between my toes, you know, I was like, God damn. The webbing. Yeah. I was telling Maria, my girlfriend, I was like, these are like the fuck. These are, this is requiring like focus. Now I'm pissed. Like I can't walk very far because these really hurt.

So they were the most painful flip-flops for the longest time. But then finally, a year later, they suddenly got comfortable. I don't know what happened. You worked a groove in there. I worked a groove in there. And I was like, I have to leave now to go to Max Fun Con East. And I was like, I'll just throw these on right now. So I walked into Max Fun Con East in like an alpha T-shirt with a really long beard and rainbows on.

Yeah. I mean, you looked downright sagely. Yeah. I felt the problem with that whole sort of vibe was I didn't have any advice to give anybody. You know what I mean? I couldn't finish the deal. I think just like, you know, in that situation, all anybody is looking for from a guy who's wearing rainbows

and Alva t-shirt and has a long beard is they just want someone to remind them that Eaton ain't cheating. Jordan, you for years now have been a chuck-a-boot and Converse sneaker man for the most part. But there was a time-

I haven't worn converse in years. Oh, really? I have not. What's a sneaker shoe that you'll wear? A Vans. A Vans. Thank you. Sorry.

That's okay. Small distinction, but- But there was a time when you received, if I remember correctly, flip-flop shipment. Oh, yeah. No. The rainbow flip-flops were- Yeah. No. They were a point of pride because the factory is right there in Orange County.

Really? Homegrown. Yeah, you would go to the factory to get them. It wouldn't be something you could just get at a – I feel like we're talking about rainbow flip-flops like as much as we would talk about Blue Apron. Yeah. Just go to the rainbow factory. Use offer code JJGO and get 10% off. There's someone in the marketing department just going, when the hell did we buy this?

This is great. Yeah. What about, well, there's also Brazilian flag flip-flops. Yeah. I mean, those weren't, I mean, these were, you know, there was local pride around rainbows. Right. Definitely. So, yeah, my uh would occasionally at college

ship me a new pair of bows really yeah i like that you referred to them as orange county church shoes in an email yeah i did sure literally i mean is it is it that is it something about the is it like too tight until you wear it in? I don't know. I don't – I really – I don't know what happened. I mean to be honest with you, it wasn't that alarming to me not to sound like too laid back and too jazz and flatline. But I find most of the world to be something that's kind of painful until I break in with it. You know what I mean? So you finally – finally your body matched your natural mental state.

Yeah. Which was an anguish discomfort. Yeah, that's right. And always until you have broken it into a sort of routine. Yeah. Then suddenly, you know, that one day where you're like, oh, wow, I'm kind of in the pocket with this thing. You know, like it's been like a decade. I kind of feel like.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm cool. You know, my roommate's been like a decade. I kind of feel like I've settled into a group. Now I'm cool. My roommate Mike in college, he was and is a profoundly barrel-chested Filipino man with enormous calves. The most muscular calves you can imagine. Just the muscles. He had a lot of muscles. He was a short guy but with giant muscles, giant chest.

Sure. Like a German weightlifter. And did you say he's barrel chested? How did you describe Mike? Barrel chested and with enormous calves. Wow. Like a Tolkienian dwarf. Yeah.

Wow. And Mike, he was very, very, very passionate about the type of flip-flops, which I think is not atypical in the Filipino and Filipino-American communities. But he also was a real shorts Nazi, which is to say he refused categorically to wear long pants. And he wasn't from, like, to be clear, this was like an expression of cultural pride that had to do not with where he was born and raised, Hayward, California. Which is, you know, it's not a cold place, but neither is it tropical. It was just a sort of statement of identity. Actually, the slogan. I am a shortsman. Yeah. Hayward's official slogan, statement of identity. Actually, the slogan. I am a shortsman. Yeah.

Hayward's official slogan, by the way. Is neither is it tropical? Is it's not a cold place, neither is it tropical. Yeah. Tom Hanks went to college here. Yeah. I feel like people's passions about resort wear can become very intense. Mm-hmm.

Dan, also, I noticed you've ditched the beard since we last saw each other. I did. That was a real... You looked real pretty in that thing. I really liked it, too, because I don't really like this non-beard guy. I know.

I don't like this version of me. It's a different guy. The other day, I was at KCRW radio station in Santa Monica, and they do this thing where if you go through there as a guest, they'll take a Polaroid picture of you and post it on the wall and have you sign it, you know? And our friend Nick who works there, he's like, oh, you know, here's the one that they took of you that

one time. And Khalid, our production fellow was here. He's only known me for a month or two. He's only known me for a month or two. He looked at the picture of me without a beard and laughed scornfully. Wow. A man in my employ whose paychecks I signed, metaphorically. Wow. Laughed scornfully. Active scorn, not passive scorn.

He essentially pointed and laughed at past me without my beard. I thought, that, that, sir. That, sir, I said a step too far. Sure. Isn't it comforting, though, to know that we won't all be working for him? That's a good point. You know what I mean? Like so often that young people are just so whip smart and put together.

Right. Sure. I'm going to be begging this kid for a job. I know that I'm going to take him down. I've got him in my sights. Get ready for fire. Khalid. What was the what was the decision to beard ditch? I just sort of thought I was.

It was a it was a painful thing. But I was like, do you I'm between projects. Do you go into big movie studios looking like, let's face it, you just stumbled out of your A-frame in the Catskills with a really long beard and you're coming in – Do you have an A-frame in the Catskills? This is like part of the bigger story about the beard. OK. Yeah. Shit's kind of crazy.

So you live in a converted IHOP then. And so I thought like, I don't know if you can walk in. I was like, I think you can if you're Judd Apatow. Sure. If you've had those hits, then you can walk in with it, whatever you want. But I was like, yeah, I think you kind of have to maybe shave. I don't know. You got to keep it clean and you got to offer the Skittles around.

You can't hoard them for yourself. Yeah, you can't. Offer the Skittles around. Would you like some Skittles, sir? Would you like some Skittles, sir? Would you like some Skittles, madam? Dan, I'm thinking about this a lot as well. I have some, certainly not big movie studios, but I have some pitch-related things to do in the near future, and I am thinking a lot about how I present.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I think you hear a lot of different – there's a lot of different schools of thought on how you're supposed to walk into one of those rooms and, like, what vibe you're supposed to give off. Which kind of flip-flops you're supposed to wear. Yeah, sure. Rainbows. Brazilian, you know.

Bows. Bows, yeah. Don't leave the rainbows in the bungalow. Don't leave the bows in the low. I thought for a minute that maybe bows made like a noise-canceling flip-flop. Oh, yeah. Great for airplanes. Yeah.

Slip them right off. You know, someone was telling me recently that uh a a a prominent uh female writer said that other female writers should uh go into that room and swear immediately so you know so you so you show them that you're down let everybody know that you're down uh i once uh had this guy in my kind of orbit he was like the friend of someone i was dating and she was a crossfit enthusiast and he and so all a lot of her friends were crossfit enthusiasts so this guy that i went on a lot of like group hangs with was this giant like uh like culturally irish guy uh wow so he you know big pale, red beard, no hair, bald.

Red beard? Yeah, big red beard. And covered in tattoos that looked like tribal, but if you looked close, it was nerd shit. Uh-huh. And is this guy the executive in this story? No, no, no. So this is just a guy I had to, like, hang around. This is incidental to this story? No, no, no. So this is just a guy I had to hang around.

This is incidental to this story. He was a remarkable looking man and was worth a few moments of description. Sure. I see. I just want people to picture this guy. You're painting a picture with words. Let me explain audio to you.

I'm sorry I was so highly disoriented for a moment. I don't know what happened. I got the mix wrong with my Skittles. It's like someone is whispering in your ear, painting a picture with words. Like so many cavemen. Driveway moments. Documentaries on Netflix.

Yeah, Soundrich. Crunching leaves. So this guy. Protesting in a foreign language. This guy. So this guy. Protesting in a foreign language. This guy. So this guy had a look. And he had a pretty successful career writing movies that weren't Sharknado but were kind of like Sharknado. Oh, wow.

Like something where like Nazis would fight an abominable snowman. Oh, wow. And, you know, had a pretty good, had a pretty nice little niche for himself. So in that movie, the good guy is the abominable snowman. Yes. So he's more of an admirable snowman. Yeah, exactly. Sure, yeah.

An American snowman. Yeah. A yes-we-can-ty. Mm-hmm. Instead of a yeti. Sure. Yeah, that works. Yeah. Yeah. A yes we can tea. Mm-hmm. Sort of a yeti. Sure. Yeah, that works. Yeah.

Yeah. Probably should have stuck with Admiral Snowman. No, that was good. You know, he got promoted after he beat the Nazis to Admiral. Admiral, Admiral Snowman. He was a barrel-chested Filipino. Yeah. No, you're thinking of a different guy.

That's a whole different guy. My college roommate, Mike. I'm Frankensteining the two of them. So this guy had this remarkable red beard situation. Yeah, it's the giant. These massive tattoos that when you look closer. Yeah, it's like, oh, that's a Zelda glyph. It's a TARDIS.

Yeah. Yeah. And his advice to me about pitching was that he went into every meeting with two hairless Egyptian cats sitting on his shoulders. Yes. He had these things and he fucking brought them places. Seriously? And his thing was like, yep, I bring them to every meeting. And he's like, and I've sold everything I've ever pitched. Right.

And what have those projects been again? So these have been things that air on the Sci-Fi Network late at night. So he and I are. But I mean, that's not a bad career. No, absolutely not. It's a handsomely paying career. Yes. For one thing, it pays well.

For another thing, it doesn't require talent. Sure. So that's a great combo. Does a megalodon need to fight a croco snake? I can come up with a scenario. Talent's not going to hurt it. So this guy, he brings those cats and carriers. He gets on the lot.

He mounts them on his shoulders. Do you have to get a walk-on for the cats? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Get them on the lot? Right. The guy at the gate he's like okay i have you i have your name but i don't have all the cats i see here have hair yeah

that is really i mean it's tough enough just to be like oh i wonder if i have time to get a bottle of like a coffee or a bottle of water and then walk over there like let alone going like oh fuck there was no there was a one parking space on 14 through 28. Okay, finally, I got it. Okay, mount up the cats onto my shoulders. Yeah. Where's the commissary?

Is there a commissary? Fuck it, let's just get water there. Wait, they need water too. Sure. Like. And they sunburn. It's hot. The cats burn.

They don't have hair. Am I going to have time to lotion up my cats? You know what I'd like to interview? I'd like to interview those cats. Sure. If cats could talk. I guess I need a – That's a good point, Dan.

You know, if cats could talk. That's the name of the latest moth anthology, right? Cats could talk. Stories of the hairless cats. Who have been made to accompany their agro owner into pitches. And I get that if this guy goes in like that with the cats to pitch his talky dramedy, maybe the cats heard him. Right. So it's project dependent, certainly.

Right. Right. If it's a sort of James L. Brooks type social comedy sort of. So if it's, yeah. What do you do? So it's like, oh, my parents. Yeah. He's like, oh, I want to tell the story of my parents.

They were college professors in the 70s. You know, like that. I think you're. Right. Your whole deal. But what about this? I want to tell the story of my parents. They were hairless cats from Egypt.

Sure, yeah. Then you bring in those cats. It really makes it vivid. It makes it pop. I can see them. The writer has a connection to the material definitely. I mean he's got those things on his shoulder. I would like to do a moth anthology called If Cats Could Talk.

And then I think we could haveordan's story about meeting this guy yeah and then we did a show in santa monica the other night where uh bruce mccullough from kids in the hall tells an amazing story i don't mean to laugh but it's painful and funny about having to put the family dog down oh no i won't give you spoilers yeah there are there are surreal hilarious spoilers in the impact that this has on his family and on their celebrating Halloween. I imagine Bruce McCullough is a man with many stories. Bruce McCullough is a man with – yeah, and he can amazingly navigate the line between comedy and tragedy, which I did not know. Can I ask you guys a question? comedy and tragedy, which I did not know.

Can I ask you guys a question? You think when Bruce McCullough's at parties, he tells the story of the time he was at San Francisco Sketch Fest and Jesse Thorne brought him a Biggie Wendy's meal on stage so he could put it in a blender and drink it? That's almost all he talks about. Yeah, that's what I figured. I heard that like five times the other night. Sure, like Al Bundy talking about scoring the touchdown at Polk High.

Yeah, exactly. Well, four times you heard that story, and then once the story of Must Love Dogs. Sure. Did he direct Must Love Dogs? I don't know. I think he directed Must Love Dogs. Yeah, I think he does have a couple like Janine Garofalo rom-coms. I don't think you can have two.

I wouldn't do. Jordan, you know what? I would just be yourself when you're talking to people. Yeah, I should probably just be myself. Because you're a writer, you know what? I would just be yourself when you're going to talk to people. Yeah, I should probably just be myself. Because you're a writer. You're a performer. You're not – I mean if you – I feel like to some end like this would be a good prank show called Pitched. Like people come in just doing insane shit that makes you freak out as an executive and roll your eyes.

Like I think people – That would be a good prank show. Like all of a sudden someone comes in and they just – Because you get the reaction of the executive rolling his your eyes. Like, I think people... That would be a good prank show. Like, all of a sudden, someone comes in and they just... Because you get the reaction of the executive rolling his eyes somewhat. That's right. It would be a really low-key prank show. It would be some guy with a fucking pet on his shoulders and then another person rolling their eyes.

Just an executive sighing and trying to decide whether this job is better where he works on real shit but he has to – he doesn't have that much creative input and he has to put up with this bullshit. Or before when he made 30-second TV spots and he got to write them and direct them. And so that was sort of creative but it was really brand-driven. Yeah, yeah. And we kind of see that play out across his eyes. That wouldn't be anything external we could shoot. But if we just had a long shot of him sitting still, we could imagine maybe that's what's going on in his head. I have a real gift for prank shows.

That's why we booked you here, buddy. Sure. You know what happened regarding appearance? You're speaking about the way you think you present yourself. Yeah, sure. You're speaking about the way you think you present yourself. Yeah, sure. What happened to me the other day was a very weird situation where I, coming from the OC when I was little and whatever, I didn't wear pants for a very long time, sort of like Mike. You were a shorts man.

I was a shorts man. Just dick right out there. I was a shorts man. Oh, got it. Yeah. And I even had a girlfriend for two and a half years. Whoa. One time I finally wore some pants when I moved to New York and she stopped and she was like, oh, my God, I don't think I've ever seen you wear pants.

Wow. Yeah. You had a girlfriend? Yeah. Did you guys kiss? We didn't kiss. No. Yeah.

Okay. Sorry. Don't be gross, Jordan. I'm sorry. It's a girlfriend. Weird about it. We talked about our feelings. She's a great girlfriend. Yeah, okay. Sorry. Don't be gross, Jordan. I'm sorry. It's a girlfriend. Weird about it. We talked about our feelings. She's a great girlfriend.

Hey, Dan, I think somebody's never had a girlfriend. Don't razz me, guys. Jordan. I'm waiting to find a girl who likes to be around me. It's tougher than you'd think. So, Dan. So, I went to meet a friend of mine who's a producer on Sunday

in Venice for a cup of coffee. And then I talked to my manager. Spoiler alert. It was Phil Spector. That's not true. And then I spoke with my manager on the telephone the next day and I said, hey, I got to see Mike on Sunday in Venice for a bite to eat. And he said, yeah, yeah. No, he told me.

He called me before and asked if I thought you'd be wearing shorts. And I was like – and then he said, but I told him like, I don't think Kennedy's a shorts kind of guy. I think he's still like an all black kind of guy. Right. Yeah. And I thought, that's so weird. So I have this whole different, they don't know I was ever a shortsman.

No, I think that you've, I think you have – and it always surprises me when you mention that you grew up in Southern California because I think you have effectively ditched the vibe pretty much. Yeah, I think maybe. Yeah, in favor of a kind of a cosmopolitan A-frame kind of deal. Well, yeah. I don't know. There's not a lot of A-frames in Brooklyn. You have to put in a cash offer. I mean, realistically, you've got to show them you're serious at the open house and put in a cash offer.

You have to be very competitive. And say, I don't care. This thing used to be an IHOP. If there's some leftover boysenberry syrup hanging around, I'll take it. Glug, glug. Sounds so it. Glug, glug. Sounds so good. Glug, glug, baby. Yeah, you got to drink raw boysenberry syrup.

When we used to go to IHOP as a kid, I would like- Cook the boysenberry syrup. Yeah, I would bring a small hot pot. Uh-huh. No, I would put a little bit of each syrup on my pancakes. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's like a trip around the world.

Regular. That's called- Boysenberry, strawberry, and butter syrup on my pancakes. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's like a trip around the world. Regular. That's called a- Boysenberry, strawberry, and butter pecan. That's called a suicide. Yeah. Breakfast- An AM suicide. Yeah.

I don't mean to brag. Yeah. But lately, I've been putting caramel sauce on my frozen waffles. Mm. Really? Yeah, that's called doing breakfast right. Yeah. Butter it up.

Pour some caramel on there. There's no deeming quality at all. Well, what happened is I ran out of grape nuts. I love grape nuts. Yeah. I don't know why. They're sort of a trial to be endured every morning. Sure, yeah.

But I love grape nuts. As a heron will eat gravel. Exactly. A pregnant woman eats dirt from the backyard compulsively. What? That's a real thing. What's that from? That's a real thing.

That is not a real thing. That is a real thing. Is this a deleted scene from Garrett Aronofsky's mother? Brian, Google pregnant women eat dirt. Google that. My wife has a parenting podcast. Oh, right. So I normally-

Brian, so Google it and then search for Pornhub and see, just show us. I want to compare what the search is. It's called Pica, says Brian, and it's real. Huh. So who does it? Pregnant women. All? They're craving minerals that are found in clay.

Huh. I love how you say that with like a professorial indignity. Pregnant women! They're craving... You're really making my corduroy curl. So...

The patches are gonna pop right off his elbows. He's so mad. So I eat grape nuts for breakfast. But here's the problem. I don't like other breakfast cereals. I don't want... I'm too confused in the morning to cook myself breakfast, even eggs.

I don't have the time or the... I'm just too... Who has time with today's busy lifestyle? Sure. Oh, the storytelling. Peak TV. Peak TV. Exactly.

Golden age. So, of course – Golden axe. You got to beat golden axe for the sake of Genesis. Deep dive. Sure. I have a lot of – I get really into deep dives lately. Deep dish from Pizzeria Uno.

It all takes time. Yeah. So I'm too confused in the morning to cook, and I don't like other breakfast cereals such as Panda Puffs. And so. What the fuck's a Panda Puff? It's like a peanut butter corn cereal. Really? It's like a puffin.

Yeah, it's like a puffin. They come from Trader Joe's. Yeah. I knew it. Yeah, of course it does. 1-800-SH a puffin. Yeah, it's like a puffin. Does it come from Trader Joe's? Yeah. I knew it. Yeah, of course it does. 1-800-SHOP-TJ. Mm-hmm. To find the one near you.

The sponsor we've been chasing like our first hive for 10 years of doing this podcast. So the problem, though, is when I run out of Grape Nuts, they don't sell it at Trader Joe's. They don't sell it at Trader Joe's. They don't sell it at the regular grocery store by my house. I have to go to this Smartin final that's sort of on my way home from work, but not really. And it really takes a-

I feel like that's where you go to save time and money, shop like a pro. Yeah, that's exactly right. Is that true? Is that where you go there for giant jugs of Windex? But it's nice to be able to get an enormous thing of grape nuts too smart and final sounds so dark to me sounds so yes right ep that trent resner put out are you looking for a solution a smart and final solution was it after hesitation marks and before smart and final that you did that soundtrack?

That's what I feel like you could ask Trent Reznor. I have been – like I've gone to Target to buy Grape Nuts because I just – I need the Grape Nuts and they used to have it on Amazon. You could used to have it mailed to you but they can't mail it to you anymore. How come? Why is that? I don't know. They just stopped having it. I guess just people don't like Grape Nuts enough.

Okay. I tried generic Grape Nuts, which they had the whole nature style, natural Grape Nuts, from the company that makes the interracial friendship cereal. I don't think you have to make Grape Nuts anymore than natural. You know the interracial friendship cereal with the two old women? Oh, yeah. Gosh, yeah. Those people make Grape N grape nuts and it's horrible.

It is horrible. And I had to buy like five of them on Amazon to find out how horrible it was because it was the only grape nuts they had there. So I go to Target. They have a whole cereal utopia at Target. Target, there's a 40 by 20 foot wall of cereals. Okay. Every cereal you can imagine.

You know what they don't have on that fucking wall? Grape nuts. So I'm freaking out over here. I'm like, I drove all the way to Eagle Rock to get some fucking grape nuts. Okay. I ask an employee. She points me toward the adult breakfast area. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Grape nuts not with cereals. Brian, go on Pornhub and search adult breakfast area. Oh, sure. Yeah, grape nuts not with cereals. Brian, go on Pornhub and search adult breakfast. Yeah. Just put up the image results. It's easier to search for steel cut oatmeal. Just go ahead and search for steel cut oatmeal. So what happened is I did not have my grape nuts and I was just standing there in the kitchen at breakfast.

And I was so tired and hungry. And I take this migraine medication right now. At times when I would normally be somewhat tired and confused, it leaves me extremely tired and confused. So I am just, I am so like cross-eyed in trying to figure out what to do. I'm like opening cabinets and drawers at random, looking for things. I'm like, are Doritos breakfast? Looking at different, whatever it is. Could I eat an egg without cooking it?

Is there a banana around? I should have just had a banana. Yeah. But I'm saving the banana. You're not thinking that way, though, in the moment. No. Yeah, I'm applying a kind of a rational mind to this. Yeah, I mean, you're trying to be what?

Genghis Khan in the Alps. All right, all right. No con talk. So I went for my wife's frozen waffles, which are my wife's indulgence. And then by the time they were- Is it an Eggo brand or is this the Trader Joe's toasties or whatever? This is a Trader Joe's brand, but it is a buttermilk style. Gotcha.

By the time that toaster oven went ding, I had decided, full steam ahead, damn the torpedoes, four sheets to the wind, let's lather some butter on there and pour them with caramel sauce. That was my solution. And it worked great. I bet. I felt great for about 40 minutes. Then it was a disaster the rest of the day. But still, it was good.

Put a dessert sauce. I was like, what's maple syrup? It's the same as caramel sauce. It's just a thick sugar juice. Have you thought about maybe dunking them in a little magic shell? Oh, God. What's maple syrup? It's the same as caramel sauce. It's just a thick sugar juice. Have you thought about maybe dunking them in a little magic shell? Oh, God, I'd love that. Just coat a waffle in magic shell.

Maybe some of that marshmallow spread. Sure. Anybody else want to share? Does anyone have a burning desire? No, we have to take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

We've got a sponsor on this week's program, Jordan. The folks at Stitch Fix. Hey, Jesse, you know how we have the beloved slash foolish tradition of writing slogans for our sponsors that they didn't ask for? Yeah. I got a doozy. Okay. The Stitch Fix. Right. So we explain what they are? Yeah, let's explain what they are and then I'll unveil the new slogan for our beloved advertiser. Okay. Stitch Fix is an easy way to look better. Stitch Fix Men is the new way to shop for clothes. It's simple. You go, you answer some questions about your size, what kind of style you like, how much money you want to spend. A stylist picks out clothes for you and then they deliver them right to your house,

and you only pay for what you keep. I did Stitch Fix myself and had a blast. It was a lot of fun. I got some really good clothes, some things I wanted, some things I didn't. Sent the stuff I didn't want back. Kept the stuff. Looks great. Fits amazing.

Free shipping both ways. Stitch Fix is great. So, Jordan, you said you have an idea. Yeah. I'm willing to listen to it. I've come up with a lot of great ideas. Sure. I don't mean to brag, but I know that you've got a lot of great ideas.

You're a professional creative is what they call it. Yeah, yeah. So just think about- And is this something that we're going to be billing Stitch Fix for later, or is this a free service that we're providing to them? I'm just going to have them pay me in belts. Got it. Okay.

So, I mean, shopping for clothes. Clear your throat because I don't want you to get a frog in your throat while this... There's some singing involved. Got it.

You know, it's a real hassle shopping for clothes sometimes. Right. So you know what I say. What? When a problem comes along, you must ditch it.

Yeah. I like it. Stitch Fix. StitchFix.com. Your source for unlicensed jingles. Yeah, not only is this a slogan they didn't ask for, but it's parodying a potentially expensive song. Yeah. Get started now at StitchFix.com slash JJGo.

You'll also get 25% off when you keep all the items in your box. That's stitchfix.com slash JJGo to get started today. Stitchfix.com slash JJGo. Our thanks to them. I also want to give a special thank you to two Jordan and Jesse Go listeners. Yeah. So months ago, I talked about how I was trying to replace the sign at my cabin, which says Wanda's Chalet, because Wanda is apparently several owners ago. No one remembers Wanda.

And it's a weird name. It's not a chalet. But that's what we have to direct people to if somebody's coming up there. And I keep getting overwhelmed by all the options on Etsy and stuff. Sure. So I was like,

doesn't somebody who listens to Jordan Jesse go, isn't someone like a woodworker and just wants, can I just hire somebody that listens to this? I'd be shocked if not. So not only did someone email me, actually a number of people emailed me, but two people were so kind as to actually make signs for Coco's Cabin for me.

One of them is Josie Morway. Josie is a professional fine artist. Um, but she also occasionally works as a sign painter. So she was like, basically this is what happened. A nice man named Pat Doherty emails me. He says, Hey, I'm not a sign maker, but I do woodworking as a hobby. I'd love to make something for you. And I was like, great.

I'll pay you some money. I'll cover all the costs. I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. And I was like, great. I'll pay you some money. I'll cover all the costs. I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. And he made me an amazing sign, like the greatest sign. And then this woman, Josie Morway, emails me. She's like, I am a professional fine artist, but I've also worked as a sign painter.

I could make you this other kind of sign. And I was like, yes, that would be amazing. Yeah. Check out Johnny Two Signs over here. Both of these signs are so beautiful. And I was like, yes, that would be amazing. She made me. Check out Johnny Two Signs over here. Both of these signs are so beautiful. And Pat, I'm just saying thank you to because he does not do this as his profession. But Josie is a fine artist and you can find her on Instagram at Josie Morway, M-O-R-W-A-Y. And the sign that she made me, I think you can probably drop her a line if you need somebody to paint something for you.

Sure. But in addition to her fine art. But the sign she painted me is so beautiful. Both these signs are so spectacular. And I was like, what an amazing, what a wonderful thing to have happen. Like there's just these nice folks. I didn't have to deal with Etsy. Just send them some thank yous. And I just, so thank you both. Thanks to both of

them so much. I'm so grateful to both of them. They both just made something. Both of them so far outstripped my hopes and expectations and made the most wonderful thing. So I'm very, very grateful to them. Thank you very much. Let's get back to the show. Yes. It's Jordan, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm sorry. Cool.

There he is. Now, Dan. Yeah. You were mentioning off mic that because of your new Chili, I was going to say, I was going to say Chill and Steely Dan at the same time, and it came out as Chili Dan. Because of your Chili Dan vibe. That's my Steely Dan cover band. We only play chili cook-offs. We believe there

should be meat in chili, which is very controversial. Ooh, sure, yeah. Well, it's a regional thing. Meat in chili. It's a regional thing. Our things are meat in chili and jazz and rock music. You're like, hey, this next one's called Black Cow. Meat in Chile. It's a regional thing. Our things are meat in Chile and jazz and rock music. You're like, hey, this next one's called Black Cow. By the way, speaking of black cows, there should be meat in Chile. Yeah, exactly.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Because of your new Chile. Chile dance songs are probably in seven. They're all in sevens, probably. They're three over sevens. Yeah, probably like, yeah. sevens. Yeah. Probably like. Yeah. I love time signatures.

Interesting ones. Third. Seven. Seven beats to the measure. Third note gets the beat. I was listening to some interview recently where someone said like, well, you know, you can thank Stravinsky for changing everything because up until that point, everything was eight for eight by eight. Right.

Eight to the bar and eight to the measure. And I was like, I just want to start saying that in parties. Be like, you can thank Stravinsky for changing that. Hear that? Just like whatever music is on. Yeah. You know, so if it's- Eight to the bar and eight to the measure.

You have Stravinsky to thank for that. I also like Steely Dan is another thing you could add to that. Yes. Passionately. All right, Pete. So, Dan, in the break, you mentioned, and we've talked a little bit on this week's program, about your new persona. Yeah.

Dan, you're known for bringing a chill Southern California vibe to this show and an offbeat sensibility where you really pick and choose your spots and you stretch into them. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be constantly trying to cram three notes, you know, into like the one-quarter rest that I hear between two funny guys. It's the remarks you're not making. There you go.

However, you've saved up a few remarks that you would have made had you not been so chill i would let listeners know that you know the sort of like flatline jazzer dan could have said some uh pretty sweet little predictable riffs about making that podcast money when you were talking about caramel sauce oh right yeah they're making that podcast very affluent. You're putting caramel on waffles. You do notice that I'm snapping instead of uplawing? That's in honor of Jazzbo, Dan.

Then you wandered into that Trader Joe's, you know, and the sort of four, four time signature Dan was like, oh, man. Look out. Let me get in on that. But I was like, let me lay back. I don't need to make some Trader Joe's. A lot of people have been to Trader Joe's. Other folks haven't been to Trader Joe's. It's just not meaningful to them.

Yeah, exactly. Right. What were you going to say about Trader Joe's? Owned by a German supermarket conglomerate. Really? Yeah. Wow. I like that everything you're bringing to the table today is a sexy Filipino or Bavarian or German.

Yeah. It's very arousing. Yeah. Well, I'm aroused. You're welcome. Sure. And I think the listener is too. I think so.

Yeah. I think anytime I talk about my college roommates' calves, people are going to get hard, wet, or whatever is their pleasure. Sure. I think there's a little icon on iTunes for those episodes. Yeah. The calf is just a little well-defined calf. Warning, may feature calves. Impressive power lifting.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. We got some calls? Yeah. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. That number is 206-984-4FUN. It's our segment, Momentous Occasions. Let's take a listen to the first call. to the first call. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, assuredly awesome guest. This is Megan from Pennsylvania calling with a momentous occasion. So it's the end of the workday and I get on the elevator to go home. It's a little full, not packed, but full enough that I'm probably less

than a foot away from the coworker behind me who is drinking an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts or whatever. Everyone is making small talk and chatting, but I don't hear anything out of the ordinary or especially funny when suddenly the woman behind me does a literal spit take all over my back and hair. She's absolutely mortified and everyone in the elevator is just laughing so hard including myself because come on, it's pretty funny but yeah, it feels like an omen and

definitely felt momentous so there you have it. A coffee spit take all over me. I am wet and sticky and it's gross. Thanks guys. Bye. I liked her voice. I am wet and sticky and it's gross. Thanks, guys. Bye.

I liked her voice. I liked her delivery. I liked her pacing. I was concerned she might have been using notes. No notes. What I'm concerned about is, was it a nice coffee or was it a Dunkachino? It's also a concern yeah i mean i would like to have known what dunkin donuts cold beverage it was are you going to make the investment we're doing shark tank right yes we are doing shark tank yeah i will put up fifty thousand dollars

for 79 of the woman who spits on people okay is she what's on offer or the woman who was spat upon? Is that what's on offer? I don't know. This is why I never follow Shark Tank. Is this a story marketplace? It's hard to tell which guy. I keep investing. I think I'm investing in the gadget, but I've invested in the problem that the gadget is supposed to solve.

Yeah. Guys. I literally poured my entire retirement fund into difficult to open jars. Guys, I'm out. I'm putting all my money into an energy bar

made from crickets. Got it. Oh, yeah. Good. Food of the future. Food of the future manufactured by depressives. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. The, I like this, this story. As you know, we're natural storytellers. It's in our DNA. Right, yeah. So let me just tip over my rain stick here while I tell you what I loved about it.

A certain ambiance. Can we talk about this later? I'm doing my daily pages. First of all, your guys' energy is great. Thank you. And your auras are wonderful. But I just wondered what was so funny that the woman spit all over the other woman. Also, am I a monster?

Because I picture myself as not being charmed in that situation. Yeah. not being charmed in that situation yeah like if i were if i were this wonderful uh young woman who called in with a momentous occasion i think i'd be like oh get this i got a momentous occasion i'm in the fucking elevator today sure i had to start my day covered in fucking duncacino yeah guess why because somebody was listening to something funny and they're yeah buds i'd be like i'm wearing my new band collar linen popover. And this chick behind me who's drinking a fucking, I don't know what it was. I don't even know what type of Dunkin' Donuts drink it was.

That's how disgusting this situation was. Right. But apparently it's real funny to everybody. Yeah. America runs on Dunkins. Well, Dunkin' runs on to my new popover. Yeah. And I'm not talking about a pastry, which I've dipped into coffee. This is not about a pupusaria.

No! Do you think... I love pupusas, as you know. She was looking at that vine, and I know vine isn't around anymore, but people have uploaded them to YouTube, and there's still places to watch vines. Right. Vine comps. Right. Vine comps. Right.

Vine comps. Save that for your sci-fi movie page. Yeah. Sure. Two bald cats on your shoulders and push that. Listen, it's being sponsored by the smart and final solution. It's called Vine comp. Sponsored by the smart and final solution.

Called Vine Comp. Do you think she was looking at the classic Vine back at it again at Krispy Kreme? Oh, yeah. Where a guy holds up a Krispy Kreme hat to the camera, says back at it again at Krispy Kreme. And there's a hard cut to him doing a flip and kicking over a Krispy Kreme sign. and kicking over a Krispy Kreme sign. I think you should just walk into a room and pitch that. Yeah, what's the movie of that? What happened after?

How did he get so good at flips? Back at it again? Again begs a backstory. Sure. Yeah, Kevin Hart's already attached, and we've only just talked about it on a podcast. It hasn't even been put out yet. It's not even public yet this podcast um so i can see if that was what she was watching that yeah that's perfectly a perfectly acceptable thing let me ask you this do you think the caller

really was do you think she really did laugh because she had this moment she had this line in her call where she goes she goes and i was laughing too because, hey, let's face it. It's funny. And it was like kind of like the – It was a pained laughter. I noticed that as well. And I think she's one of our listeners. She probably has a good attitude.

She probably has a great attitude. Am I the only one of your listeners that just tweets depressing shit at 3 in the morning dependably? Yeah. No. You're one of the most dependable depressed tweeters there is. Yeah, no, you're one of the most dependable depressed tweeters there is. No one can spin depression into Twitter bronze like you, Dan. Holding solid at 9,000 followers because all the others are standing back terrified.

Well, you know, it's sort of rotating. You get about 1,000 that every month are like, it's too much for me this month, and they check out. They do. They seriously do. A new 1,000 check in. Yeah. No, I – yeah, I think I was also detecting a little bit of I wanted to fucking unload on this person. But I'm such a goddamn sweetheart.

Yeah. And I have to work with these people. So I get it. It's a coping mechanism. So, you know, not the worst. Not the worst. No, it's not the worst, but I do want the caller to know that it is okay to be upset. God, I just want to watch that fucking Vine so bad. I got it again at Krispy Kreme.

Anyway. Kicks this Krispy Kreme. Have you guys seen the Vine? I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Really? No, I haven't. You haven't seen The Vine?

We got to watch The Vine. Anyway, let's take another call, and then we'll watch The Vine, and then we'll end the show. Okay. Let's take one more telephone call. Okay. I just want to explain what's going on here. Yeah. Jordan started talking about this Vine.

Brian's not really listening to the show. Right. He's got half an ear tuned to it, you know. He's got to know when to disrupt it with over loud laughter. Sure. He hears about this Vine. Of course, everyone who heard about this Vine, both at home and in this room, know, well, sure, your top priority is not going to be listening to the rest of the podcast. It's going to be watching this great vine.

Sure, back at it again at Krispy Kreme. So Brian, of course, he jumps right into the vine. He forgets about his further responsibilities in this segment. Frankly, almost his only responsibilities in the entire show, firing off these clips. He reaches over. He keys some more random laughter on an early 2000s MIDI controller like an Oxygen 8. Sure, yeah.

Then he accidentally hits the Austin Powers button. Right. And then he watches The Vine. We hear it briefly. He pauses it real quick. Then when his job comes back around, he's turned off the volume because he didn't want us to hear that he was watching The Vine.

This is real. It's got to be hard on the heels of having a Polaroid of pre-beard Jesse laughed at. Sure. This is like two incidents. My people are betraying me. The indignities. Like Genghis Khan's people did at the peak of the apps. All right.

No con talk. No con talk. Are there incident reports left in the file? Are there blank ones left? No. No. I used all the incident reports. Well, we take the last call.

Yeah. We'll watch the Vine. Yeah. We'll wrap the show up. Great. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is John from Cincinnati, and I just finished listening to your 500th episode, and I just wanted to say, Anna, darling, yes, I will marry you.

Thank you so much. I love you so much, darling, and even though I think it's silly that you went back and listened to every episode, Jordan, Jesse, go. You're amazing, and I love you. And I'm glad that we have this show to share, and I hope that we can continue sharing it for many years to come. Jordan, Jesse, I really appreciate your thoughts on our marriage. And, yeah, I was wondering how we would, as Jesse put it,

memorialize this occasion and leave it up to Anna to find an awesome way to do it. I reckon we'll be giving you all a call when we do finally make it official with the marriage.

Now I have you guys' support that we go ahead and go down to the courthouse and do it. We'll see what happens. One final thought, I am, as a practitioner of Garaba, will now have to find a new thing to abstain from. Thanks, guys. Bye. John's finally going to get laid. Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah, when he said he's going to call us after they make it official. I mean, is that when they sign the document or when they... They engage in the physical act of love. Sign that document. They call and say it. Mm-hmm. Here's my concern for... Was it Emma, I believe? I don't know. Don't...

It was Anna. Anna. Here's my concern for Anna. Don't trust John from Cincinnati. He's a one-season wonder. Sure. Here's my concern for Anna. Don't trust John from Cincinnati. He's a one-season wonder. Sure. It doesn't come to anything. Yeah. It seems intriguing at the beginning, and of course...

Why don't you call that nice Billy Treme? Yeah. If you have a momentous occasion, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire. One of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bead,

my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. My wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman. Shirts, stickers, patches, posters, tote bags, aprons.

Sure, you might have some of these things already. But do they rep your favorite MaxFun shows? We've got brand new items in stock at MaxFunStore.com. So why not stock up on gear that shows off the podcasts you love? MaxFunStore.com. It's good stuff. We swear. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Dan Kennedy with a nickname. Dan, what do you have to plug? What can we plug for you? I don't want to – we already talked enough about the power of storytelling. So let's leave that out. We really have. We really have. You know, I think all I want to –

A lot of executives listen to this. Should we just plug buying Dan Kennedy's pitches? You know, I think, you know, yeah, you should just plug buying my pitches. Or it's happened this week, going back to a book I wrote years and years ago and deciding it should be a movie. Let's see a little more of that.

That's wonderful. This is a very unique way of plugging something. Oh, you know what? I've been through here. I've sold the things. Now let's talk about you buying the things. Like that's a pretty interesting way to pitch. But I mean I think the modern film industry, so much of it is about building buzz, like getting people talking about something early. Social media.

Sure. We know in 2021 there's going to be an Aquaman movie that will probably be bad. That's right. But we got to get us pumped for it now in 2017. That's right and i'm so on its nose by saying the things that came out years ago are now finally getting attention it's a backwards sort of time machine pitch that's great i could i think you could also pitch backwards time machine by the way you could yeah and i mean not that many people are using their time machines to go forwards anyway.

Nah. You want to meet Christ. Oh, yeah. You got to meet Christ. I'm picturing you saying this with two bald cats. Yeah. Your body on your shoulders. Also, you know what I'm going to plug? I'm going to plug being laid back a little bit.

Oh, so maybe if we have some stressed out listeners or some people who are like kind of like alphas yeah like i had some cherry coke earlier so it's not gonna work for me that's okay that's all right because you can always reset your day and there's always tomorrow to be more laid back yeah and not constantly be on the beat you know don't play on the beat. Play behind the beat a little bit. Oh, wow. It's Jazzer Dan talking to you. There you go. There you go. You can thank Stravinsky, by the way, for even making that possible.

Thanks, Stravinsky. And plug my Twitter, where you know how everyone's saying funny stuff? Who's saying mildly depressive stuff? Yeah, Dan Kennedy, NYC. Dan Kennedy, NYC. Dan, I've said this before on Jordan Jesse Go. There is not a Twitter on the

entire Twitterverse I get more pleasure from than the Dan Kennedy Twitter. And some of it is, a lot of it is because of the brilliant wit that you display on the show. I mean on the tweets. 70% brilliant wit

and 30% just basically a kind of schadenfreude like a sort of like there but for the grace of God feeling that I get from some of your sadder tweets. Yeah, well I think

you're going to see a real new vibe too from laid back jazz Dan. Really? Yeah, I think that's going to affect the feed. So I'm excited about that. Hashtag hammocks.

Hashtag five o'clock somewhere. Yeah. Hashtag don't leave the rainbows in the bungalow. Hashtag flip or flop. Yes, please. One of each. One of each. Thank you very much.

Take that, Brazil. Is this episode 501? This is episode 502. See, that's where you want to come in. That's where laid-back, behind-the-beat guests want to come in. Yeah, you're fine. You can pick up on the inside jokes from Context Clues, man. You got to pick up on Context Clues.

You know I love you guys. Thanks, Dan. We love you. That's the hugest, hugest highlight of being in Los Angeles whenever I'm here. Aw, shucks. Aw, thanks, Dan. We love you too. And of course, dinner at Spago.

Yes. Two things about visiting L.A. I love, I got to see Wolfgang. I've got to see Wolfgang. What will he put on a pizza now? Corn? Blue corn? I did get to have charcoal and salt potatoes that you cut in half and put three drop eyedroppers

of black vinegar on. What? Yeah. At a restaurant? Yeah. Where? And it's called Inkwell. Uh-huh. Oh. The guy guy from top chef it's his place

so you're applying your own eyedropper they bring you the eyedropper it's crazy you know they go like these are the charcoal and salt potatoes and they just look like black jet black you know new potatoes basically and there's this like volcanic crust on the outside of them hell yeah inside is this amazing fluffy nice, nice potato. And they're like, you put three drops of black vinegar. And I was like, hmm. Do they cook them in a real volcano? Probably, yeah.

It's probably just one of those fucking baking soda and vinegar volcanoes. Probably, yeah. They should have a kid at a science fair project. He's like, how can I incorporate this into my restaurant? I don't want to throw it away, but it's taking up too much room at my house. Maybe molecular gastronomy has an answer.

Okay, Brian Fernandez on the boards this week and great to have you back, Brian. Always a joy to see you. Yeah, if you're a new listener to the show, I just want to issue a broad apology. Yeah, if you're a new listener to the show, I just want to issue a broad apology.

Yeah. Just a broad-based apology for the program. Try the new crime series, Dirty John. Yeah. It's off to a great start. Ooh, very exciting story. Very salacious. Oh. Oh, get in the car with that producer

and let's talk this thing out. 206-984-4FUN. Hashtag JJGO on Twitter. You can follow me and Jordan on Twitter. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. I am at Jesse Thorne. Brian is at fucking underscore something Brian Storm. Some fucking shit.

It's like an AOL username. Maximumfun.reddit.com is where you can talk about it on Reddit or you can join the Max Fun Facebook group. Always a lot of fun there. I want to give a special shout out to Tyrese. He's been back in the news feuding with his Fast and the Furious co-stars. Tyrese, who we're always- Starting to think these are manufactured. We're always hashtag Team Tyrese.

Yeah. Okay. We are always with you, good friend. Who is he feuding with? The Rock. Boy, don't make me choose. I know. I choose Tyrese, though.

Yeah, I do, too. Easy choice. I do, too. The Rock's played out. I wouldn't call it an easy choice, but I'm also team Tyrese, but it hurts. It hurts. But, I mean, you don't... I was off team The Rock as soon as there was this, like, would I run for president?

Oh, yeah, that was bad. Yeah, I'm like, ah, that's the end. And then Tyrese told me, yelled at me that one time, looking good, my man. I know, so that's pretty much complete counterbalancing. It is a perfect counterbalancing. Oh, by the way, a lot of people have been asking me over

many years, who's the new Boof Bonzer? It's Boog Powell. Okay. Just so you know. And it's not Orioles legend Boog Powell. It's the new Boog Powell who's also named Boog Powell but is not related to the original Boog Powell. That's complicated. Yeah. Don't send it.

Also on the Orioles? Yeah. Okay. No, no. He's not on the Orioles. He's on the Oakland Athletics. He was traded there this year. I'm out. I'm not investing.

Yeah. You're out. All your money's in those difficult-to-open jars. Yeah. That's right. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.