Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 504: Halloweek with Virginia Jones

Episode Date: October 31, 2017

Comedian Virginia Jones joins Jordan and Jesse as they forgo their usual topic of HAM Radios to gab about the tiers of fake vampire teeth, what it's like to drive a Lyft on Halloween party night, and the Halloween party at Jesse's kids' school: the Carnival of the Howling Wolves.  Plus, the call is coming from inside Patrick Warburton's house.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Jesse Goh, the world's leading podcast for hams. Ham radio enthusiasts. Oh boy. If you're interested in broadcasting from your home, receiving broadcasts from around the world,

having chats, exchanging cards, then... And, hey, if you want to coat your radio with a nice honey glaze, we also offer ham-related puns. Yeah. We've gone ham for ham. Having... Hard as a motherfucker for the musical Hamilton. Funs. We've gone ham for ham. Hard as a motherfucker for the musical Hamilton.

Having a hard time getting reception in your basement? Try adding two pineapple rings. There's someone. Just an example of some of the fun we have on this ham podcast. Idea for this week's show. It's Halloween. Yes. So it's a sort of, I think it might be a seasonal fun thing.

Well, I mean, as you and I know, it's the last holiday before the ham holidays. Right. Certainly so. Yeah. So on our show, ordinarily, we talk about ham radio operation and hams. Mm-hmm. Canned, glazed, pickled. Sandwich? Sure. Thatanned, glazed, pickled. Sandwich?

Sure. That's something else you could do. But I'm having a concern. What's that? We have a guest here. Uh-huh. And who I know is a ham radio enthusiast. Right.

But I'm just putting the pieces together in my head is also a vegan. Right. So I'm guessing the kind of other part of our show, which is ham talk, ham puns. Right. That kind of thing. Well, hamming it up. Hamming it up, as we like to call it. Yeah.

I'm worried that that'll be offensive or distasteful. So should we just skip all that just for this week? Yeah. Introduce our guest and just gab? gab i mean it's probably safest i mean we can start we could start everything with breaker breaker if you want to which is probably more of a cb radio thing yeah but just to kind of 10 for good buddy just to kind of ease people into this temporary format of casual chatting. Right. So, yeah.

I think we should do it. Our guest, a comic wearing a seasonally appropriate garb, both appropriate for the weather and the season, Virginia Jones. Hi, Virginia. Hi, guys. Thank you for having me on the Spiral cut, the best of all ham podcasts. I'm glad to be here. Now, I do have a ham bone to pick. Oh, boy.

I wouldn't say that I'm a ham radio enthusiast so much as I am an international shortwave radio enthusiast. It's much more about number stations and making friends in other places. So you're not a broadcaster. No, no, no. You're more interested in you're more interested in what does the BBC Niger

service have to say for itself. Exactly. When will that come on? And talking to a friend in Japan who I'll never meet. Right. But not on the computer. Right. I mean, it seems like we could all deal with a little bit of that international connection in these divided times. Yeah.

Am I right? Yeah. I think it would foster some understanding. I'd rather not. Yeah, you're right. Let's wall ourselves off and make assumptions about people. America first. America first.

Virginia, we speak Halloween is upon us as of this recording yeah it's the halloween season yeah sure of us um as a as perhaps la's most famous goth comedian how how are you preparing for halloween know, well, it's Halloweek. I think it's Halla-tight. Yeah. Well, when you're around my house, you can smoke that Halloweed. It does get Halla-tight. It's Halloweek, the end of Rocktober.

Sure. She's wearing a Kramps t-shirt, folks. Yeah. She's very on brand. I'm super on brand. Well, and like I think that I'm branching out because it's a white shirt. Right. Yeah.

Well, this is a very summer goth look you're bringing to us here. You've got on a denim skirt. You've got on sockless low top black converse. Yeah. So this is like, it's perfect for Los Angeles where it's 104 degrees for some reason. Yeah. Accurate. I feel like Goths, Halloween is the time where we can just really kind of like kick back and be ourselves.

Sure. And we're, you know, like the ministry song, Why Are You Dressed Like It's Halloween, where they were British, even though they are from Chicago. There's a lot of questions. Right. Yeah, why does your second album sound totally different than your first album? These are all questions we've had about ministry.

Something I ask myself. This is something that comes up every year for me. I'm just like tearing my hair out. Like, oh, ministry. Come up with some answers. So inconsistent. Yeah. It's been decades, I think.

I'm pretty sure. Ministry? Yeah. 80s? Correct. Yeah. Accurate. Yeah, 100%.

Late 80s. Yeah. So, yeah. Halloween is when we just kind of like we celebrate the good things about being goth. And sometimes we amp it up, you know, one extra notch. But also, you know, Halloween can be a very cash time for the goth because just go out as yourself and you look like a witch and everything is covered. Are you a witch? Are you a vampire? Yes.

Right. It's NBD. Also a werewolf if the moon complies. If the right moon phase is in effect. It's NBD. Also a werewolf if the moon complies. If the right moon phase is in effect. I mean, it's absolutely the top season to have teeth shaved to a point. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the one time that becomes appropriate. Now, you are, in addition to being a comic, you also drive for the Lyft. And last night was kind of like, so Halloween falls on a Tuesday this year, but according to us on a Sunday, last night was like Halloween go out. Yes, exactly. By Tuesday, it's going to be wrung out like a sponge.

Sure. Oh, you mean when this episode comes out? Correct. Yes. Got it. People are going to be sick of hearing about it. Well, you know, Saturday night you do your whole outfit with all the prosthetics and, as you point out, the teeth and the wig. And then Tuesday. It's a shame because I think what most people don't know is those teeth don't grow back.

No. Unless you're a child. But you know what? You can alternate. One year you're a vampire. One year you're Mayan royalty.. Unless you're a child. But you know what? You can alternate. One year you're a vampire, one year you're Mayan royalty. One year you're a vampire, one year you're Mayan royalty.

Sure. This is going to not surprise anybody, but once I was in a terrible, terrible vampire play just because it gave me an excuse to buy the good teeth. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So there's a sliding scale of vampire teeth then? For sure. Well, on level one, there's the trick-or-treat ones you give to little kids that make me gag immediately. They're all of a piece. And there's the

uppers you can get on Amet. I have a pair of silver ones. But then there's the good ones. They mold to your tooth a little bit. And then the really good ones you have custom made because you have problems. But the middle tier of $20 teeth. At that point, you're going to want to get them custom made because you want the screw base so that you can also screw them into your forehead as horns. Yeah.

That's right. Versatile. Multi-functional. Dress it up. Dress it up. Dress it down. Yeah. I just feel like no outfit.

It's the little black dress of goth accessories. No outfit is not improved by vampire teeth. Yeah. It just takes that little extra... It knocks it up to 11. I was going to say, well, what about priest? But yeah. Priest 100% vampire teeth. What's his deal, they'll wonder

from the pews. Yeah. Vampire secretary of Transportation. I'm on to build bus lanes. But yeah, when Halloween is on a Tuesday, the party's on a Saturday. Last year,

Halloween was on a Monday. It was a time for trick-or-treating and reflection, but not necessarily, you know, going balls to the wall out. Sure. But yeah, so last night was a time for trick-or-treating and reflection, but not necessarily going balls to the wall out. Sure. But yeah, so last night was a big crazy night. For reflection.

Yeah, you know. You have like a Shabbat dinner. Yeah, exactly. Well, vampire reflection, of course. These candy cords represent the suffering of my people. The suffering of my people, yes. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm a vampire. I'm 500 years old. I live in the valley. Like all the things. All the classic cliches. Yeah, yes. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm a vampire. I'm 500 years old. I live in the valley. Like all the things. All the classic cliches. Yeah. Of our people. What?

Should I move to Highland Park? Is it time? Right. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. And I want to get into what it was like driving the Lyft on Halloween party night. Candy corn. What are your thoughts on this?

I like to have two. Uh-huh. Two. Two. Two corns. Two pieces of corn per year. Uh-huh. candy corn. What are your thoughts on this? I like to have two two two pieces of corn per year and then not again until the next year. I'll enjoy those two corns. I'll feel nostalgic. Maybe I'll have a Brock's pumpkin

which is made of similar stuff. Isn't that kind of big? It is kind of big so then I'll have one. I'm not having two pumpkins. I'm having either two corns or one pumpkin. Why am I willing to eat six corns at once? But the prospect of eating a Brock's pumpkin grosses me out. A single mallow cream pumpkin, you can't cope.

No, I can't deal. Well, I mean, it's a surface area thing. I think some candy is made better or worse. It's like it doesn't matter what height, you could drop an ant off the Empire State Building and he's not going to die from the fall. It's a surface area. Sure, exactly. Wind resistance. Brock's pumpkins are kind of gross.

Right. Yeah, so I would like to have a bite of it to be kind of transported back to childhood and trick-or-treating. You know, when I had a Ghostbusters costume and it had a proton pack with a foam laser that spun around when i pumped it and you know to that one halloween where i i was dressing up a little too old it was like the only one in my class who dressed up

stranger things to life yeah yeah um spoiler alert yeah Spoiler alert, there's Halloween in it. So yeah, I think I like to have two for that reason. But then any more, any corns or brocks beyond that become disgusting to me. What about you, Virginia? What do you think? If I have my choice, I like to have an indigenous people's corn. It's got the chocolate base. Thank you.

And it's a little more, it's a little more just like less sugar over the head. I do like to make vampire teeth out of them if I can, if I have the time, if the schedule allows. My mother is. It's a busy time of year. My mother is a mallow cream addict. I'm sorry to hear that. It rips families apart. And there's no –

Trump keeps saying that he's going to declare a national emergency. Yeah, exactly. It's a lot of jabber jaw. There's no substance to it. Jess, you're thinking of over-the-counter opioids. Got it. Is there a difference? Prescription opioids.

So, yeah, if you have caused – I would say the biggest crisis is you can't get opioids over the counter. Yeah, give me some opioids. Exactly. So the cart is out. There's no separation. But, yeah, if you, for whatever reason, unlock my mother's trunk on the 1st of November, it is – of her car, not – yes. It's just full of discount candy corn that she then freezes and tries to maintain the rest of the year.

Yeah, that does sound like a problem. She'll eat Valentine's Day mallow creams, the cupids and hearts. But, of course, fall, you have the fall festival assortment after Halloween proper. She's a maniac. My wife loves them. Candy corns. Candy corns. Loves them to death.

And I thought, I'm going to be honest, I thought I was cooler than that. I thought, look, I'm a sophisticated adult. Urbane. I don't, urbane precisely. I've worn a neckerchief from time to time. And I don't need children's candies. Sure. Children's holiday novelty candies.

I don't even. You have the thrill you get from fox hunting. Exactly. That's the sweetest. What is the modern sophisticate. Are you a toffee fay man? Is this a score type conversation? What is the adult candy then? man is this a score type conversation like what is the adult yeah candy then um would

sir like a score sir like to settle the bill and then settle the score one whatchamacallit score and score and heath bars the difference is packaging it's all marketing. It's bullshit. You're a score truther. Open your eyes. Score is just for toffee. It's Heath Bar for people who like Game of Thrones. That's all it is. A few years ago, my wife started

buying them. My wife has much more of a sweet tooth than I. I love ice cream. Candy, I like fine. I'm not going to turn it away, but I don't care that much. And my wife would bring it home around when it's available in stores. She'd pay full price for it as well as buy a discount afterwards. And I started eating it, and I was like, uh-oh.

I think I really like candy corn. Wow. And now I get like upset because candy corn is like a go-to thing to whinge about. Sure. It's like the word moist, the band Smash Mouth and candy corn. These are punchlines that we've agreed on as a culture. And I'm like, I think it's good. It might be because this is one theory I have in my head is that I'm not supposed to eat chocolate because it's a migraine trigger for me.

So I will eat. Sometimes I will eat a little bit of chocolate something. But I love chocolate. And I can't just of chocolate something. But I love chocolate. And I can't just eat chocolate bars. So I'm left with fruit candies. And most fruit candies I do not like or care about. And I think that a candy corn has the same fullness of flavor of a chocolate candy. Let's say mouthfeel.

Should we say mouthfeel? Let's all say mouthfeel. As three people who have worn neckerchiefs from time to time, we should probably be saying mouthfeel more often. Probably should be saying mouthfeel. Yeah, there's a body to it. I'm speaking up on its behalf, and I would love to have your mother's phone number. Yeah, she can be your dealer.

Yeah. So you were driving. Here you got those sweet, some mallows. Here you got a beet on some corn. You got a mallow cream connection. Mallow cream is like the cotton candy of candy. It's all sugar and nothing. It's just nothing.

Well, again, speaking of all sugar and nothing else, my wife also brought home, it was my son's birthday, we put into the goodie bags, but somehow my wife bought like three bags of fun size, so there's a ton left over. Nerds,

and Jesse's PSA for jocks, nerds are for eating, not for beating. Wow. Nerds are really good. Yeah.

I remember them being really good. Instead of dunking a nerd's head in a toilet, why don't you dunk some candy nerds in a glass of milk? I mean, how would you dunk them? They're so small. Yeah. Just, I mean. He means pour them in.

With a tweezer. Would you pour them in and then drink the milk? Yeah. Would you drink the milk? And then it becomes crazy rainbow milk and you can sell it to Starbucks. Okay. Nerds, that's a tangy candy. It's correct.

Confirmed. Yeah. Willy Wonka Company does great, great work. Great work over there at the Wonka Company does great, great work. Great work over there at the Wonka Company. So glad that he liberated those Oompa Loompas from their native land and brought them to be slaves in England. You can really taste the oppression. Yeah. In every handful of nerds candy, you can taste the tears.

He's created a sort of, you know. Yeah. You can taste the tears. He's created a sort of, you know. Yeah. And I like how he, you know, he gave my son who watched too much TV what for. Yeah. Really turned him around. You know what?

By turning him into a blueberry? I forget what happened to that one. He got little. Oh, that's right. And he went into the TV. Oh, guys. Can I share just a quick message with Willy Wonka? If he's listening.

I don't know if he's listening. I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. That's my message to Willy Wonka. He's given us a lot, but I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. I think you're going to get some sort of ironic comeuppance. We'll see. Seems unlikely to me. So you guys like trivia?

Yes. Yes. Yes. That's something like trivia. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's something I understand. Yes. I can't get enough. If it matters, keep it away from me. So Veruca Salt in the film, she won the Golden Goose.

She's a spoiled so-and-so. Yes. Of course, a very great lady band named after her. Everybody knows that. That's not trivia. That's known. I already know what trivia you're going to say. Is my daughter's elementary school music teacher the lady from that band?

Yes. Awesome. Yeah, she's really cool. But Rook Assault means wart remover in England. It's a joke and a joke and a joke. My first time in London, I went to Boots drugstore because that's where the punks bought hairspray. And I just died. Like everything.

Let me find it. And they had something called Veruca Salt. I'm like, well, that's funny. It's like whenever English people come here, they're like, where's your CVS? I've heard so much about CVS. Give me one of those long receipts. How long can a receipt possibly be? Let me find the alleyway where David Bowie took that photograph.

But Veruca's is a wart and salt is the remover for the wart. Oh, boy. Veruca's. Yeah. Oh, boy. I got a bad case of the penis Veruca's. Makes it sound a little more fun. Can I say, I just want to say about the woman that teaches the, she does it as a volunteer.

It continues, the band is extant and still touring. I believe that's still how she makes her living. It is out of the kindness of her heart that she does this.

She's a wonderful teacher. I didn't want people to think I was making fun of her like she had, like, oh, she used to be in a band but now she's teaching. No, she's a wonderful teacher

who does it out of the comfort And I will say that the guy from the Spin Doctors did a great job of valeting my car the other day. And I think he's doing it because he has to. The original drummer of Smash Mouth slid into my DMs on

Twitter last week. Oh, my. Original drummer. Not this Johnny Come Lately they have now. The guy who drummed on All Star. Correct. Okay. Do you have totally open DMs or just to former members of Smash Mouth?

Accurate. It's just been a trap. I know they have more security controls now. Exactly. You can choose. You can pick and choose. Yeah. No, that's kind of nice.

Yeah, he used to be in Smash Mouth. Sugar Ray, yes, no. Sure. He used to be in Smash Mouth. Lips, bassist only. Sorry. Go ahead. He used to be in Smash Mouth, but then his back hurt so badly he had to stop and take a bunch of pills.

But I teach at very fancy schools in one of my other five jobs, which is chess coach and D&D teacher, which is something you can teach children. Now, that's not a dungeon master. You don't call yourself a dungeon master. I also am a dungeon master. Okay. But these are two separate. You know, we've never delved into's not a dungeon master. You don't call yourself a dungeon master? I also am a dungeon master. Okay, but these are two separate. You know, we've never delved into that. Is dungeon master gendered?

Hmm. I like to keep it master. I call it a dungeon mast X. Sure, right. A dungeon supervision person. Right, that's nice. Everyone can agree on that. Yeah.

I think I told you this. Hey, this will be fun for dungeon master dogs. Yeah. No. That's nice. Everyone can agree on that. I think I told you this. Hey, this will be fun for Dungeon Master dogs. Yeah. No, you're right. I was teaching D&D at a very fancy school in West Hollywood. And, you know, the sign for the class is outside the classroom. And in the most on-brand stop-in ever, Patton Oswalt pressed his face against the glass, took out an actual camera like a dad, took a couple dad pictures, and refused to be waved into the room to talk to the kid about orcs. He was just excited to see the nerds of tomorrow.

Yeah. It was nice. Do modern kids take to D&D? I guess my understanding of it, which I think people are always surprised to hear, is pretty casual. I've never played a game of D&D despite how I look and act. And present. And present, yes. Which is to say Vin Diesel-esque.

Sure, yes. Diesel-y. A little Diesel-y. So, yeah. So, yeah, but it seems like D&D is a very kind of slow game that is mostly played in one's brain. Is today's tech savvy YouTube Snapchat, I can't take my eyes off my little hypno box kid. Are they are they in tune to this world of D&D, which is maybe a little bit slower and more cerebral? In my opinion, D&D is trending.

Partially as a reaction to that stuff. It's a place where kids can learn to tell stories. And, you know, the function of D&D really is to make each kid a hero of their adventure. And so the kids in my class, many of them, their dads are D&D nerds. But then some of them seem to come to come by it like honestly you know on their own um and yeah in an environment where a lot of your friends are online uh it's it's it's a fun way for kids to interact like in the room irl yeah irl man it's just like how music is constantly vacillating what is oh irl that means down to fuck yeah yeah thank you if you wanted to let somebody know you're down to fuck you say irl let's meet irl that's accurate that's truer than you know but it's like how it's like how music is

sometimes the sorry for the drummer of smash mouth. Sorry. It's vacillating between the electronic and the acoustic, you know, like instruments versus like the shift between, yeah, doing virtual activities and real activities. Virginia, here's my feeling about it. I don't care for the kids today. I'll tell you why. It's because they've destroyed Chili's by not going to it enough. And Applebee's. And Applebee's. And Applebee's.

Now I have to go to the airport to get my chilies. Sure. And that's just chilies, too. That's a chilies, too. That's not a real chili. Not a real chili. It's not getting the full experience. Limited menu.

Limited menu. The experience is part of the ambiance, the mise en scène. The ensemble ensemble. That's how you say ossem blassem. Bonjour. Bonjour. Je voudrais une ossem blassem, s'il vous plaît, avec le petit... Une sauce.

Une sauce in the middle. Une sauce in the middle. Une ranch. Je voudrais une ranch, s'il vous plaît. I don't like the kids of today. Very good French. Because they're so busy getting together with others to play Dungeons & Dragons. So busy writing out their character descriptions with pencils.

They'll never know what the real experience of Dungeons & Dragons is, which is to be a friendless nine-year-old using your mother's IBM PC XT to play The Secret of the Silver Blades on a CGA monitor. They'll never understand the heartbreak, but the inevitability of being eaten by a Gru in Zork. Yeah. They've been robbed of that. Yeah. I think kids these days just think Gru is the leader of the minions.

They don't even know that he's. They don't even know. They don't even know. He's a Zork figure. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, not only that, and not that, but they also have wonderful, delicious meal boxes that are mailed right to your house. Yeah. It helps you get better at cooking.

It helps you enjoy cooking more. If you're already good at cooking. All the ingredients are pre-measured. The recipe is right there. It's going to be delicious, and they get it. They get each of their ingredients from a nice special place. And this time of year, they're doing special Thanksgiving-themed sidekits for Thanksgiving. So apparently their slogan this month isn't let me at them cakes. As it is every other month. But it's let me at them turkeys.

That's also their slogan when they're stranded on a desert island and they look at a coconut. Right, yeah. Let me at that turkey. Turkey? They think it might be a turkey. They see a turkey even though they're there. Check out this week's menu and get $30 off your first meal with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash JJGO. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

Don't wait. It's blueapron.com slash jjgo. Hey, you know, here's something fun about Blue Apron that I like that I don't think we talk about enough. What's that? Is that if they mail you these recipes, you can save that recipe and make it again. Yeah. I'm remaking Blue Apron recipes left and right. Yeah.

Blue Apron, it's a better way to cook. We also have something up on the Jumbotron this week. That's our personal messaging system here at the ballpark. This is for Cairo from Gabby. Happy birthday, Cairo. I wouldn't be much of a girlfriend if I didn't get your favorite comedians to say your... He's like, well, Paul F. Tompkins. Sure, but he doesn't have a Jumbotron service.

Right. The time we spent together... McElroys are booked for the rest ofron service. Right. The time we've spent together. McElroys are booked for the rest of the year. McElroys are booked, yeah. Even if you're going to expand it to comedy, not direct people to do comedy stuff who maybe aren't technically comedians. Yeah.

Hey, we're happy to do it. We're happy to be on that short list. Yeah. The time we've spent together has been some of the best time of my life, and I'm so excited for a future with you. Thanks for making me laugh and making me feel like home. Have the happiest birthday, Cairo.

That's really sweet. A lot of fun. I like that it sort of implies that she does not like us. I feel like I hear from a lot of significant others of listeners to the show who say that we're not really their cup of tea, but they appreciate how much their significant other likes us. You know, my wife and I have been married for 10 years, despite how many times I've told her something funny Jimmy Pardo said. Hey, we got a commercial Jumbotron too, right, Jesse? Yeah, we do. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I'm Jordan, Jesse and guest. I'm a long-time

listener and fan. I've tried a lot of podcasts. Yours is the only one that I've stuck with. I wanted to mention my new horror novel. Loved Bubble, by the way. Any news on that? That's a little nod to you, Jordan. Sure, thank you. To your unproduced pilot script. Well, let me just say

no. Anyway, here goes. Father Niccolo Palladina is tasked with investigating demonic activity in the town of Everett, Washington. Specificity. He discovers that things are worse

than he could ever imagine. And he'll be left with one terrible question. What is my faith worth? Oh, my gosh. The drama. It's called The Everett Exorcism. You can visit bit.ly slash jjgoe,

T-E-E, jjgoe, T, to learn more and get your copy. And to hear our parodies of Gautier's Someone I Used to Know. The Everett Exorcism today. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And if you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse, go just drop us an email, Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

And I also want to mention that I am the proprietor of the Put This On Shop, the world's best place to buy literally anything, Jordan. Wow. Better than Amazon.com? Well, you know, I mean, we're sort of, I like to, we just closed our second round of funding, and we're looking at ourselves as disrupting Amazon. Disrupting the disruptors is the new thing. Yeah, take that, assholes.

Here in Silicon Valley. No, seriously, folks, it's a place to buy vintage home goods and gift wares. Really fantastic things ranging from jewelry to decor items, all of which are handpicked by me. I'm a second generation antiques dealer, as it turns out. And you can find all of it at putthisonshop.com. I think you will find something perfect. Maybe it's a little pin or a little jewel or a pair of cufflinks or one of our clothing products like a pocket square or a scarf. You can find them all

at putthisonshop.com. And if you use the code TUPPIES, you get free shipping. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, I'm Virginia Jones. Did I mention that it was my son Oscar's birthday? I did because we were talking about the nerds. Hey, sorry I got him all those dogs.

It was a thoughtless gift to Sprig on you in hindsight. Yeah. But I'm sure you'll have fun taking care of them. Most of them are Springer Spaniels. That's right. Yeah. Incontinent Springer Spaniels. I got them from a special shelter that deals in incontinent dogs who live a long time.

I actually, this is like literally exactly what I wanted to broach, which is, Virginia, I don't know if you're a parent yourself, but you, it sounds like you work with children to some extent. I've certainly seen them before. I, today's, uh, today's children's birthday parties, at least, uh, in among my children's peer group are, are a very intense situation that involved 100% rate of jumper rental. You can't have one without a bouncy castle of some sort. Yeah.

But also like other venues are being rented, entertainment is being hired, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And also in contrast to when I was a kid, you are obliged to invite everyone in the class. So the birthday party is always 20 people, no matter what, there's 20 children there because you've invited, you know, that's a 25 person class or whatever. And I don't like when you, when you have three children, your house fills up with things you don't want.

You don't want. You don't want them to be there. Like you have this vision that your child just plays with blocks all day. But really what's happening is people are like just in the mail, transformers are appearing. No matter what you do, transformers come. And you can't – because they go to all these other birthday parties there's things that you can do to keep your children from getting birthday presents like say like instead of giving out presents we're going to have a book swap or like we're going to have a give a present to a charity

or whatever but you can't functionally you have to have such an extraordinary commitment to the principle of the thing in order to deny your children presence when they're going to so many other parties and they know all the other kids get to keep the presence. And my distaste for the presence does not meet that level. Sure. Like I don't want them. But you don't want to do the work to not have them. Exactly. Yeah. The emotional work by by which I mean crushing my children.

Right. You know, like specifically. Right. So you get all these presents and you don't really want the presents, but a lot of- Have you thought about just becoming Jehovah's Witnesses? I know. And then- That's a one-stop shop.

It would be so easy. Your kids love Prince. Yeah. Say, not to mention Larry Graham of Graham Central Station and Sly and the Family Stone. Sure. So most of the parents do a perfectly fine job of getting presents for the kids. They get Legos, basically. Yeah.

And I'm not nuts about the extent to which Legos are now just about weird brand tie-ins. And not building stuff. Or like if you are building something, you're only building a Spider-Man car or whatever. You don't like that your kids are building the forensics lab from Mindhunter? I prefer they did it. Yeah. Right. It becomes props more than edumacation.

Yeah, but it's okay. I mean, it's still like, you know, Legos are fun. You know, I got no problem with Legos. A wonderful present that a parent will get you sometimes is a book. Sure. Oh, I'd love to get a book. I think in the rare occasion that I am invited to a child's birthday party, which is rare but occasional these days, I'm always going book. If you get an age-appropriate book, it's a home run every single time.

Here's the reasons. Number one, people like to pretend books are good for you. I don't know if that's true. I'm ambivalent about that. I think podcasts are good for you definitely, but books, eh. ambivalent about that. I think podcasts are good for you, definitely, but books, eh. But the nice thing about them is they fit. No matter what house it is, it's easy to put a book in it. It just sits in a bookshelf. Or under the leg of an uneven table. Exactly. There's no downside to a book. I would rather get a Jehovah's Witness book.

A Bible. You mean a Bible. Well, no, like a tract. Oh, sure. I would rather get a Jehovah's Witness as a non-Jehovah's Witness. I would rather get

a Jehovah's Witness-themed tract than most of the toys. But mostly, mostly it's like these parents in this school, South Pasadena, California. It's a nice kind of very, very – pretty normal but very lightly crunchy parents. It's sort of like they go to the nice toys – the independent toy store and they pick out something nice. That's fine.

Somehow this year we got the worst. And I want to clarify. In case these parents are listening or something like that, I love these parents. That's part of why I'm so baffled. This is the most wonderful. They have an older kid that was in preschool with my oldest child. And their younger kid is in preschool with my younger child. And they're among my favorite parents.

You bang at the same rate. That I've been forced to be friends with. Yeah, you guys have slicked your bang schedules. Yeah. Like a chore wheel. They're wonderful people. And I can only presume that this gift was given to us because it was given to them and was unwanted. Okay.

White elephant, yeah. But they got a dinosaur. The dinosaur is called Dinosaur Century. That's the name of the dinosaur. And it is the worst gift that anyone in my family has ever received in our entire life. What's so bad about this dinosaur, man? It sounds like a pretty great dinosaur. Kids love dinosaurs, man.

Yeah. Number one, the worst part. This is probably the worst part overall. My son Oscar loves the shit out of it. Sure. His favorite toy he's ever gotten in his entire fucking life. It is like a grotesque plastic dinosaur that does a kind of roller skating motion with its feet that moves it forward.

While its tongue, it has its mouth open and its tongue sticking grotesquely out. Its tongue blinks red. Its eyes blink orange. And it makes an otherworldly, there's, It's so loud, this sound. So loud. It just goes like... Over and over. It never stops.

Your kids are not supposed to learn about dinosaur sounds? So... Yeah, that's a scientifically accurate sound. If there's one thing I know, it's dinosaur vocalizations. That sounds pretty spot on. Guys, I don't mean to point out the headline on this box that says realistic dinosaur sounds.

Yes. They've researched. They've done the research. It says, while walking, dinosaur eyes and tongue will glow. Let the children enjoy the dinosaur fun. Yeah, Jesse, listen to the box. Look, they wrote.

Can we pass it around? I need to see the dinosaur art. I have to tell you guys. They asked Daniel Day-Lewis, what does a dinosaur sound like? And he made that noise. He went into the woods for three years. And when he came out, he had nine pairs of shoes. Oh nine oh wow i think that we should have one of the states there's 50 states one of the states one of the more empty states like a montana or an idaho that's where parents

are sent who or people overall not just parents anyone who gives a child a gift that makes noise. Do you think we have some like, I mean, I'm guessing in our audience, we have some people who are like DIY types, life hacks, that sort of thing. Seems unlikely. Is there some nice, you know, nerd hobbyist you can mail it to and then they can mail it back and they have rigged it to sing the Cars for Kids jingle. Would you prefer that? I upgraded it. Yes. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS. Now, Jordan, you've always been

the biggest dinosaur enthusiast in my life. Love him. Dinos? Pterosaurs? You bet. Is he going to be supplanted by your own progeny, though? Well, I just wanted to share. I would hate that.

Maybe. I wanted to share some facts about Tyrannosaurus Rex from the box of Dinosaur Century. Some great facts. Also known as Tyrannosaurus Rex, the scientific name Tyrannosaurs, Rex. So that's one fact. That's good. Yeah. That's true.

It's not true. Mean, brutal lizard king. So that's fair. Is known carnivorous dinosaurs and most. That's another fact about dinosaurs straight off the dinosaur century box. One of the famous dinosaurs, they are carnivorous dinosaurs appeared at the latest. Those are some great facts.

What country did they get this in? Dinosaur country. That is probably dinosaur country. Dino century. It sounds like a K-pop band. Now this is something that you probably knew this because you actually took dinosaur class at UC Santa Cruz, right? I don't think I took that. No, I missed dinosaur class.

I think I took violent universe for mine. Okay, for your weird science credit that you were required to get to graduate from college. Well, maybe that's something you remember from your childhood studying dinosaur books. Sure. But is the largest and most Kong-Wuyuli species probably the world? Sure. And also, do not put in mouth.

And finally, the strongest known predators. So that's just a few facts about Tyrannosaurus rex dinosaur century. I learned something interesting about the T-Rex just the other week. I was at the Natural History Museum, which I feel self-conscious about because I don't, as it turns out, have a child

at all. Right, but you were there to creep. Exactly. I was there to look at the spider pavilion, which is what happens when all the butterflies get old and then they just bring around a bunch of spiders and eat the butterflies. And then it's a spider pavilion like for the season. That's fun. But T-Rex –

That's the kind of thing. Do you get that in an email newsletter for goths? Yeah, exactly. It's spider pavilion time. And you go. You get your goth card punched. Check out the spiders. And the T-Rex in many public arts depicted standing on its big, meaty hind legs with its useless little hands in the air.

Again, this has been covered. But actually, now they think he kind of was lowered to the ground, that he used his tail to balance and he was much more a horizontal dinosaur. That's the weird thing about dinosaurs and why you shouldn't restrict your children from learning about them is that the facts are always changing. Yes. When I found out that Brontosaurus was not actually a separate species, I felt like the dinosaur rug had been pulled out from under me. Velociraptors didn't really exist the way they were depicted in the film. I didn't know. It's a much larger dinosaur called the Deinonychus. Or Deinonychus. I didn't know until we- That's how I called the Deinonychus. Or Deinonychus.

I didn't know until we... That's how I like to say it. He's the one that like grapes and revelry. I didn't... No, that's Dionysus you're thinking of. But they did have orgies.

They were... They are the most orgy-prone of the dinosaurs. The Deinonychus. Yes. I didn't know until we got this gift that Tyrannosaurus Rex, the famous king of the terrible lizards, roller skated by moving its legs forward and backward. And its tongue would glow.

Like weird horizontal pistons. Yeah. The glowing tongue was to attract plankton. Yeah. In this undersea lair. I knew about its harsh digital scream. As a kid who didn't. That I knew about its harsh digital scream. As a kid who did it. That I knew about.

That's common knowledge is that it has the sort of sound quality to its scream that a pocket fart machine has. As a kid who basically only had dinosaur books. Could I get one of those Neil Young high fidelity dinosaurs? Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Right. They're all recorded at Jack White's house. All the dinosaur screens.

Can I get it in Ogvorbis, please? It's called Dono. Yeah. As a kid, remember all of those things, all of those, we've learned something new about dinosaurs, this is wrong. And then going back in the old books and with the wrong facts, for instance, calling it a patasaurus, a brontosaurus, and just being like, fuck, what does it all mean? It really like- Flip the table. Yeah, it's amazing as a kid to read a book and think that it's wrong.

I am only one year younger than you, and I feel like I missed all those corrections. Like I feel like all those corrections happened maybe in 1990. I was nine and you were eight. Yeah. And so they got to you, but I was already reading chapter books or something. Yeah, sure. Like with some tiny cultural difference. It's like how I talked to someone in their early

30s and I don't know anything about Power Rangers. Yeah. Right. I think we skipped ahead and we were going to hear something about driving a Lyft. I can't believe

that you guys got off topic. That's never happened before. Again, this is a whole new show. We're as laser-like as a Tyrannosaurus's extended tongue. Skating along like the T-Rex skated along the ocean floor looking for plankton. But in a low-to-the-ground way. Imagine that more harsh and compressed. And louder.

Tinny and yet louder. Right. Right. My wife. One, eight, seven, seven cars for kids. My wife almost kicked our child out of the house. She was so upset this morning. We've had this thing for like eight hours.

Anyway, sorry. Batteries come out. I know. We're going to lose the batteries. The thing is, the problem is when it's a hit. Right. When it's a failure, it doesn't matter. Sure.

Yeah. But when it's a hit, that's when it becomes a problem because they notice. I could throw away half my children's toys. You never know. In fact, I do this frequently. I'll just throw away toys and just hope that they don't notice. And they rarely do do but it's because I know which ones they're on

right now like if I threw away if I threw away Professor Squid or whatever the fuck he's called from the Octonauts right now nobody would notice they're over that shit if I tried to toss that dino

they'd be like where's my century beast my nephew Because they're over it. They're over that shit. Old news. If I tried to toss that dino. Toy cycle. They'd be like, where's my century beast? My nephew, when he was, I think, two or three, got super stoked on a very festive Christmas chick monk that sang, we wish you a Merry Christmas. And he did a little dance. We wish you a Merry Christmas. Christ. Wow. And my sister refuses to change the batteries.

She hid it in a closet for some several days before he demanded that it return. And then by the time— This is after Christmas at this point. By the time I got down for Christmas, it was doing this creepy— Because she's not replacing them batteries. She's not going to. She wants to watch it die. She can't wait.

I would rather, I would love to listen to the sad, broken down version of that dinosaur sound. Yeah. Like. It would be more like a Tom Waits intro. I was just about to say, like, yes, they're all just Tom Waits songs sped up. And when the batteries start to die, you just get to hear Tom Waits songs in their entirety. Yeah, it's like how they made those lightsaber sounds by banging wrenches on cables. Boing.

Yeah. Okay. So you were driving. Driving Lyft. You were driving in your fourth job. Yeah. After comic Dungeons and Dragons teacher, et cetera, you were driving on the big party night of Halloween this year. What's the scene like, man?

Driving Saturday night, it's a lot of money, so you got to do it. But you always kind of feel like a bartender. I'm always the most sober person in the car. And then Halloween and, you know, like the drinking holidays, like times a thousand. It is a bigger shit show, you would say, as a professional. As a professional tender to people who are in the middle of a shit show. Would you say it is that much greater a shit show than a St. Patrick's Day or a Cinco de Drinco? Cinco de Drinco is the lowest on the shit show out of that list. What makes Halloween an extra special shit show is you've got not only people who are drinking as much as their bodies can hold, but they're also wearing somewhat unwieldy

costumes. They are in high-density population areas. Like, I tried to do our famous West Hollywood party a couple years ago, and it's impossible because the drunks can't find you, and they keep going, aim on Santa Monica. It's a big street. And you can't drive on the street because it's closed. So if you go at 4 in the morning,

there's just a devil with his horns broken and missing a shoe and crying and his phone is dead. It's like a sudden very glamorous homeless population. Last year, I had a mermaid who was wearing the mermaid skirt, so tied together at the ankles, but in great big horseshoes and um broke her nose on the way to the car huge huge horseshoes horseshoes with with the mermaid skirt and also drunk that's a horse horseshoes whore hewer like a hewer okay great like a like a horse would wear sure exactly great big great big sparkly platforms like a real like a horse like a real sexy horse yeah yeah yeah like a real high heels make your calves baby cows look sexy yeah um and then so uh i've learned a couple things driving on halloween one uh if you meet a couple dressed

as batman and catwoman they are the worst people uh just the worst douchebags. Is that a worse DC couple than Joker and Harley Quinn, I wonder? Oh, wow. I think so because Joker and Harley Quinn at least have some sort of

all something to them. Batman and Catwoman... But they're probably nerd... I feel like it's more... A little nerdier. Like, I think the problem with Batman and... Like, certainly,

Joker and Harley Quinn appeals to the worst of nerds. Yeah. However, Batman and Catwoman, you're talking about the worst of humans. Right. The Batman attracts people who already have the chest. They don't need the rubber chest, you know, and they just want to shows it off. And just general people who think that their calling is to be a sociopath. Right.

Like, I would make a great sociopath. I am heartless and enjoy violence. If only I could get out of this real estate rut. Yeah. My favorite costume last night was a very cute Ken and Chun-Li from Street Fighter. Cute, cute, cute. Ken, I thought was going to throw up. I had a good discussion.

Chun-Li was cool, though. Chun-Li was cool. She was rad. She's the babysitter. She had her act together. She had her act together. She's the strongest woman in the world. Exactly.

As she'll tell you in her taunt screen. Immediately she'll tell you in her taunt screen. Immediately she'll tell you. I drove. Yeah, but I dig costumes. I dig making them. I dig wearing them. I dig talking to other people about them. One thing I like about being a driver is I can tell from across the street, what about

your costume is not working. Do you give notes? Sometimes I will give notes if I think they're too drunk to notice. But also, yeah, so heavy drinking night can be kind of a disaster. My first weird thing was at 10 p.m. I saw a car stopped in the middle of an intersection in Carson, not having had a collision. Car is on, but the man is just passed out over the steering wheel inside at like 10 p.m. And I thought, that's above average.

Yeah. Can I ask you guys a question about costumes? Yes. Adulthood and costumes? Yeah. I went to the Carnival of the Howling Wolves. Right. Mount Washington Elementary School Halloween Bash.

Okay. That's what it's called? How are those called? The Carnival of the Howling. That's a great name. It had some branding concerns. I think what happened is it's been called the Pumpkin Bash or something. Sure.

Or the Halloween Smash. Sure. The Graveyard. The Graveyard Smash, yeah. And they were sued by Bobby Boris Pickett. For decades. And then someone came up with, he says, that infringes on my song, The Monster Swim. Sure. The follow- song, The Monster Swim. Sure.

The follow-up to The Monster Bash. They had that name for a long time. And I think at some point over the past calendar year, someone thought of the Carnival of the Howling Wolves. Yeah. And it was too good not to use, but they didn't want to get rid of the old one. So they just put them both on the flyer. And then boom. Sued by Warren Zevon.

So this is an event. Back from the grave to sue you. Yeah. This is an event on the schoolyard. Did Bobby Boris Pickett outlive Warren Zevon, or are they both dead? I doubt. I'm going to call Bobby Boris.

He's got to be dead. He's got to be dead. He's got to be. I mean, he's saying that. Hard living. He's saying that whole series of farewell songs on Letterman when he got cancer. Sorry, that's Warren Ziva.

It's also Warren Ziva. Also Warren Ziva. Yeah, when you get Monster Mash money, it goes right up your nose. For some reason, I had the idea that he spent it all on nasal spray. Yeah, yeah. Chronic sinusitis. So he spent it on nasal spray. What were your high points of the festival?

Well, I had a perfectly lovely time talking to my fellow parents. It's nice. Um, it's nice. I like, on the one hand, I dislike parent friends because I don't want to be friends with them. However, I like parent friends because I'm obliged to be friends with them. And it forces me to overcome my, my general misanthropy. And there are people who listen to boring shit about your kid as if it's interesting because you will do the same favor for them. Or they anticipate that I will.

Yeah. So I was, you know, I had some nice chats with some other dads and just, you know, the whole thing is really, it's just about trying to keep, prevent meltdowns. Like, you know that meltdowns will happen, but you just want to truncate them and avoid them and, you know, at every turn. It was fine. I had a really nice time. 20% of parents were wearing full Halloween costumes at the event, which seems like both too much and not enough. What do you mean? How do you mean not enough?

Well, 20% is low. Oh, right. Oh, you're talking a percentage. I think you were talking about level of enthusiasm. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm talking about 20% of the people there. Right.

The adults there are wearing costumes. And the costumes were're wearing costumes and the costumes were generally full costumes definitely some of them were like the store-bought kind which i think i've i feel like i'm i have some ambivalence about adult costumes in general but i feel like if you're going to the target to buy an adult Halloween costume, you go to the state, that state that I was describing where we're sending people who give children toys that make noise. Like, out of here, I don't want to look, I don't want to cross, I don't want to make eye contact with you, anything. But I couldn't figure out whether, because it was 20%, it was too many to ignore. So then I felt like that's too many.

No one should be doing it. But it was enough that I was like, fuck, am I the asshole here? Like, these people are wearing costumes. Question part one. Children are involved. Are the costumes hooking into their kids' costumes? Are they family costumes? Sure.

No. No, these are costumes they love to wear. Their own things. This is their Riddler suit that they keep on hand. Question part two, are they going to a party later? Nah. Okay. Nah, they not going to a party.

They not go party. Nope. They're just getting their little Caesar's pizzas. Ooh. I mean, that's a party. That's a kind of, that's a party. That's a kind of, that's a party for your mouth feel. Nothing but the best.

There was a children's band that played. And they had... The Rock-A-Fire Explosion? These kids can't have been more than 10 years old. And they had a Halloween set. That's rad. Three-piece band. That's really good. Drums, guitar, and vocal.

They sang Voodoo Child, I remember they sang. Mm-hmm. They had a full- Halloween by the Misfits, and then Halloween II by the Misfits. They had like a five or six song Halloween set they performed at this. That's great. It's like, who is teaching them this? What weird stage dad.

Yeah. Cool dad did it. Yeah. Anyway, I couldn't figure out whether I should have been or should not have been wearing a Halloween outfit. I was not. My parents were not Halloween parents, but we had some Halloween dads on our street. Boy, howdy. If you knew David Plotkin, and I know you guys do.

I knew him intimately. Oh, boy. So, you fucked my friend's dad growing up. That's cool. Most people did. Yeah. No, I know. Well, Mr. Plotkin got around.

You put the P in Plotkin. That's true. I just meant that. Take the P out and wave it around. I just meant that we shared secrets, Jordan. Oh. Oh. Like that intimacy.

Like emotional intimacy. Yeah, emotional intimacy. Well. The other thing would be statutory rape. No, like emotional intimacy. Yeah, emotional intimacy. Well. The other thing would be statutory rape. No, you're right. Yeah. I'm sorry I implied. You know, there were families in the neighborhood who went big.

And I think my parents knew that I wished we were one of those families. And they would occasionally cave and dress up. And it really meant the world to me. I definitely really remember those Halloweens where my parents tried to dress up despite being beside not being dress up people. And it meant a lot. I am wondering if the, you know, store bought Iron Man's who are at your kid's school. Is this is this to stoke out the kid? See, I'm...

It's like I want to think that. You know, I want to think that. And, like, if my kid said to me, Dad, will you wear your fox hat? I do have a fox hat. Because it would mean a lot to me. Maybe you could put on – maybe you could wear your corduroy suit. You'd be fantastic Mr. Fox from the movie Fantastic Mr. Fox. Sure.

I would say of course. I'm not going to – sure. I don't think – and I'm basing this based on a sort of correlation between which parents it was and those few sort of PTA meetings I've attended. I think this is about the parents, not the kids. But isn't it okay for them to be Halloween people? Yeah. I mean, I feel like we get to adulthood. You're either a Halloween person or you're not.

I grew up in it. For whatever reasons that you are or not. There's no Halloween people in the neighborhood that I grew up in. The trick-or-treaters that came to our doors were exclusively gang members wearing one thing of costume to get candy from you. Like 15 and three-quarter year olds threatening you for candy. With a mustache, yes. I understand. With a mustache and like a little – and like they drew with a red marker some blood. And they're like, yeah, man, I'm a fucking vampire or whatever.

Give me some fucking candy. I aspire to be a Halloween dad someday. Oh, really? I think it's something that I really would. I think I always saw it for myself. And I have not been a Halloween person the past couple years. And I look at it as a failure on my part. You could put together a little something.

Sure. Right now. How many Halloween? For the kids. For the children of West Hollywood. Sure. Yeah. All those kids out and about.

Let's brainstorm a little bit now. How many Halloween costumes are based on Vans and shorts? Oh, boy. Well, there's original drummer from Smash Mouth. Sure, original drummer from Smash Mouth. I could just spend the evening sliding into people's DMs. But yeah, my human sister was always, we were Halloween people. Oh, pro skater who rolled his ankle and never got back in the game.

Never can get back in the game. Yeah. But who tried to make videos of other skaters, but they never really took off. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, he ended up getting an ad gig, and it's not game. Yeah. But who tried to make videos of other skaters, but they never really took off. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Anyway, he ended up getting an ad gig, and it's not bad. Yeah. It's not bad.

It's fine. He's got kids now. He can still skate on the weekend. He's down in Costa Mesa. Yeah. Like surfing, not good at it. My sister was a Halloween person because we're all Halloween people. Yeah, let's judge other people surfing.

And she complained the last couple years that her friends were getting older and having kids and who weren't. Then the attention of Halloween people does move to the kids. And she was like, well, I'm dressed as a sexy cupcake. What am I supposed to do? But now that she has a kid, she's become one of the... I'm like, do you realize

what has happened to you? You've taken this path. But it's always a group costume. The baby's always... This year it was Beauty and the Beast. He's the Beast. She's Beauty. It's weird. Sure. But the one he wanted was even weirder.

He's been obsessed with the new Annie. He wanted to be Daddy Warbucks and she'd be Annie. I'm like, that's just fucked up. Oh, sure. Yeah. That can't continue. Seems weird. Seems weird.

Baby in a bald cap. Yeah. That can't continue. Seems weird. Baby in a bald cap. Mm. Yeah. I don't, I think maybe social media has also influenced my feelings about Halloween.

Like where I completely, perfectly, beautifully understand that if you put a lot of work into your costume, you want to put it on social media. But I feel like the inundation with viral Halloween costumes has led me to resent all Halloween costumes. Okay. And I just want... I feel like I want to see more hobos out there. More classic Halloween costumes. Just hobos. Hobos and ghosts.

Ghost hobos. Yeah, I would say a sheet with holes in it goes... A ghost hobo. What a sheet. Well, I would say sheet with holes in it goes. A ghost hobo. Well, how many hobos die? Quite a few. No, it's true. They get the gout in a kind of tin can, sproing half, bindle hobo. Because there's nothing more fun

than making fun of the less fortunate. I am celebrating them. And their rich culture of harmonica songs and improvised stabbing weapons. Not to mention strawberry wine. That's true. Where would fruity wines be were it not for our hobos? Yeah, for our hobo brethren. Sure.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey there, folks. I'm writer and performer Dave Holmes, and I host International Waters, where we pair a team of comedians in L.A. against a team of comedians in London in a pop culture trivia battle royale. Comedians like Chris Fairbanks. I have a metal hip. Oh, that's right.

How's that going? I'm part robot. You're more machine than man. It feels great. I'm mostly man still. That depends on where I'm at, though. Lauren Lapkus. But I do think if you're working with dead bodies all day, maybe a dog would be more appealing than marrying a man. Yeah, right. It's like, oh, this is going to get really

sad at some point, so maybe I'll just marry a dog would be more appealing than marrying a man. Yeah, right. Like, it's like, oh, this is going to get really sad at some point. So maybe I'll just marry a dog and just replace it. A lot of cuddling. A lot of cuddling. And many more. Join us every other week on International Waters with me, Dave Holmes. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la a joy to have you here, Virginia. When something momentous happens to our listeners, we ask that they call 206-984-4FUN, 206-984-4FUN, to share it with us. We've got two of those persons, two such persons on the line via recording right now. Let's hear the first.

recording right now. Let's hear the first. This is Luke from Oregon. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, guests. I just deadlifted 450 pounds for the first time, and I'm going to be signing up for a strongman competition for March. I love the show. Thanks. Bye. We love you too, Luke. Do you think that strongman competitions should also now include emotional strength yeah i do and you know what else i think they should include pussy strength pussies are strong yeah well well done thank you luke congrats and and uh just keep your wraps dry man you gotta keep those wraps your wraps dry powder up uh i know you can do it yeah way. Way to lift. Way to lift. We have a listener that I've met at a few MaxFunCons, and he also came to the meetup in London. Did you meet him?

His name is Dom. And he is a guy who looks like a 19th century German gymnast, like in the gymnasium. Sure. Or like a Russian strongman. He has a huge chest. He has a little waxed mustache. He is, I believe, African American and living in England. Mm-hmm.

I believe that's correct. He may be a, he may be a child of the world. But he's got a little, little wax mustache and a comically enormous chest.

And he's, he does a lot of gay power lifting. Mm-hmm. So, first of all, I just want to say... What? Yeah.

Go ahead. Just what? Go on. I just want to say right from the top, these were some of the first things that I learned about Dom. I was in a thousand percent. I'm like this is the most delightful – like if you're going to – I can't imagine anything better than to walk up to someone in a social situation and the three things that you learn about them. You look at them. They look like a 19th century Russian strongman.

Then they have this little mustache they live in England and they do gay powerlifting it's like a delight, a fucking delight so that was great that's what I knew about Dom initially then he was a big Max Von supporter then

Max Von Con East rolls around I'm talking to Dom in the hallway it's always a joy to talk to Dom he's a nice guy he tells me, you know, I've been teaching gymnastics class Then Max von Kahn East rolls around. I'm talking to Dom in the hallway. It's always a joy to talk to Dom. It's funny. He's a nice guy. He tells me, you know, I've been teaching gymnastics classes. I was like, you've got to be fucking joking. Right now this is the most, like he looks like, you know that kind of like a cartoon drawing of a person who can hit the thing at the carnival with a hammer that makes the bell go ding?

Like that's what the man looks like. What is the sexual orientation of the gymnastics classes though? They are – I believe they are all orientation. Omnisexual. Okay. We're not separating that. He's like, well, as an adult, I got interested in gymnastics and I took some classes and it was so fun. I got certified to teach it.

I'm like, I wish I had this much passion for anything. Anything ever. I don't even want to be here. I get paid to be here with my best friend and talk. And I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do anything. I want to be at home right now playing Secret of the Silver Blades on my PCX. But if you go home, there's that dinosaur to contend with.

Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Isn't that beautiful? I'm just glad there's a kind of powerlifting that is more shaved and discreet than regular powerlifting. Yeah. Does that mean only gay people compete? Are gay people better or worse powerlifters than straight people?

I don't think they would prevent a heterosexual person from participating. What does it mean to be a gay powerlifter, then? It means that you like to have sexual relations and romance with people of the same gender. But powerlifting and sexuality are both spectrums. Yeah, that's a good point. That's like people assuming that the guys from Erasure used to bang.

They didn't. They're like, oh, well, you're two gay guys in the same room. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that's a common misconception about Erasure. Yeah. It's probably the biggest one. You mentioned many times the really intense emotional experience I had when I stayed at the Golden Nugget in downtown Las Vegas and there was a women's weightlifting competition going on. Oh, wow.

No, what's it called? Bodybuilding. Bodybuilding, not weightlifting. Not the actual sport. The thing where you oil up. Right, right. And there was just all these dudes following them around. I showed my tricep.

Like I imagine if you're in the – It's the most oiled muscle you currently have right now. If you're in the LGBTQ powerlifting community, you don't even have to be interested in powerlifters. That's just like – it's just like putting up a sign that says, want to fuck a powerlifter? Come by our show or whatever it is, our competition, our meet, our match. Like, come by there. Do you want to give a fucking power lifter, comma, bottom? Yeah.

So, anyway. Dom sounds great. Yeah. Dom is a winner. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan and Jesse. This is Katie from Omaha. I have a moment of vacation. I am here in the

bathroom at Patrick Warburton's house. He just married my uncle. He didn't get married to my uncle. My uncle married his sister-in-law. And so I'm here at his house looking at his stuff. Anyway, just thought you might like to know. I guess we punch up once. Alright, love you guys. Bye. Love you very, very much. Yeah, definitely. Even more than that powerlifting guy from before. Yeah, he sucks now.

I hate him. Keeping it in the MaxFun family. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I mean, maybe, I don't know if you were aware of Patrick Warburton as one of our most beloved running gags, but, um I got to hit the job, Dave. I have to make a make a man and wife. I'm gonna make a man a man and make a woman a wife. You're gonna have a reception at my place, Dave. He was one of you. He was in Omaha. Anyway, many congratulations to everyone involved. Why do you think she needed to call you in secret from a closet? Why was she whispering? I think it's about intimacy. Yeah.

I mean, I felt aroused. Sure. I mean, yeah. I mean, I think there was a kind of in the moment kind of urgency to it. Maybe there's a party outside and she said, oh, I'm going to shut myself in the bathroom and I'm going to just let the guys know. Yeah. I could feel that energy coming bathroom and I'm going to just let the guys know. Yeah. She just didn't want- I could feel that energy coming through and I appreciated it.

Yeah. She didn't want to have to make herself heard over the electric slide. Sure. You know? Yeah. I hear you, man. At the end of the day. Yeah.

The thing about the electric slide, I don't know if you know this, it's electric. No, it is. Massively so. And yeah, it might fuck with your phone. Yeah. Yeah. that's true. I'm thinking of magnets, but who knows how those work, huh? How do they work? How do they work?

I just like, what was this woman's name? I don't know. Carrie? Patrick. Yeah, I just heard Patrick Warburton and all the other thoughts inside my head were just like. Just like a hard drive with a magnet, which, how does it work? If she could... I mean, listen, Katie.

Katie, thank you. If, you know, so now we've gotten a call from Patrick Warburton's house. If we could just get a call from Liam Neeson's house while he's doing an American accent, I think we'll probably have all our bases covered. Maybe we could just... Everyone just walk away. When that moment happens, you just put your headphones on the mic stands and you just walk away. Yes, we walk into the ocean.

So we never speak to each other again. That is it. Like, well, this is as the prophecies have foretold. Yes. And we're done. Our work is done. Yes. Our work on this earth is done.

Jerry, let's put the dance floor over here. Sure. I think there's some other wedding stuff for Patrick Warburton to say, but I can't think of any right now. Who has some requests for the band?

There you go. Yeah. Yeah. You guys play the electric slide. Oh, love is patient, it's kind. Love is patient and kind.

There you go. We'll be back. The one thing I know about love is that it's patient and kind. We'll be back again in a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. How's it going, everyone? I'm Oliver Wang.

And I'm Morgan Rhodes. We have a brand new show on the Maximum Fun Network that we'd love to share with you. It's called Heat Rocks. Morgan, we should probably explain what a heat rock is. It is a banger, a fire track, true fire. Right. Dope album. Each episode, we will bring on a special guest to join us to talk about one of their heat

rocks. It might be a musician. A writer. Maybe a scholar. I mean, I would have been happy to just talk to you about your heat rocks, but this is a different show. Yeah. I think people might enjoy hearing maybe the guests instead.

To do that, you'll have to go to MaximumFun.org. So if you want to talk about hot music, you should check us out. Heat Rocks. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the voice of the millennial generation. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Virginia Jones, carbon-based person.

Do we cut you off from doing a Patrick Warburton impression, Virginia? I feel like we maybe kind of like – No, I was just – I was living – You were okay. I was living yours. Thank you. Okay. Let us know if you ever feel like you want to do one.

No. I only do Bobcat Goldthwait and Joey Ramone, which is one. That's a personal. They're the same. One is a lower version of the other. Wait, maybe I can't. Maybe I don't know what you're talking. Can you demonstrate?

I'm sorry. I guess that doesn't track to me. You get, I didn't get five on my job. I know what my job is still. And then you got, things should have changed. We got kicked out of high school. Shit, man. Yeah.

Now. This is solid work. I can't unhear that. You're welcome. Thank you. Wow. Welcome. Thank you.

A new, I have a new perspective on life. I feel like I've had blinders on. And they've taken them off and I'm seeing the world for what it truly is. A beautiful place. That we live in. That we live in. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Hey. Sorry. Hey. Hey.

The world's a beautiful place. Bobcat, Goldthwait, and Joyer Mode kind of sound the same. Hey, the dress code, eight ball jackets. Everybody wearing eight ball jackets. Oh, fuck. Does he wait in Idaho? What did they say? Omaha.

Omaha, Nebraska? You got it three syllables. Warburton lives there? She is from Omaha to destination wedding. The destination is Beverly Hills. Probably. Home of Mr. Patrick Warburton. Well, now I'm insulted that we didn't get to be here plus one.

What the what? Yes. You're right. Now I'm mad. I'm insulted I didn't get to be Patrick Warburton's plus one. Yeah. I'll put out. Always a bridesmaid, never a plus one.

I know. Story of my life. You put out. Always a bridesmaid, never a plus one. I know. Story of my life. You're always a plus size bridesmaid. That's true. Yes. A BBBM. A big bad bowel movement.

A big bad bowel movement. Yeah. No, you got that right. IRL. Yeah. I understand I'm a little bit of a fetish object. Big bad bowel movement? A big bad bowel movement, yeah. No, you got that right. IRL. Yeah. I understand I'm a little bit of a fetish object. Big bad bowel movement. Well, Virginia Jones, thank you for joining us on Jordan Jesse Go this week.

Thank you for having me, you guys. If people are interested in getting some tips on your warm weather golf lifestyle, besides just going with a white cramps, vintage cramps t-shirt. besides just going with a white cramps vintage cramps t-shirt you know you can always find me uh on on twitter at uh badinia dones which is how it sounds if you say my name with a head cold uh it's perfect what a good idea perfect branding the worst it's the worst thing and uh uh i've got dates and dates and gates on Virginia Jones dot live. Where are you headed? Just Los Angeles? You're going out of town?

Uh, I don't have anything out of town currently, but I got, um, the classic put your hands together with, uh, Cam Esposito coming up on the 7th of November and then, yeah. And then, uh, December something I'm doing, um, uh, Dave Thompson and, uh, Jeannieito's show at UCB in the Inner Synctum. That's a fun one. At the Sunset. So, yeah, I've got stuff going on. And from what I understand, there's also a comedy album people can buy. There is a comedy album called Gothic American, which is how I identify.

I was on a podcast. Sorry, it was a different one. It's okay. And the host who I like very much said, oh, did you know that there's a famous painting called American Gothic? I'm like, are you fucking mansplaining me, my own record? But it's available on iTunes. So, Jad of Omrod, I hope you're listening.

That was kind of a dick move. A little dick move. Yeah. Come on, Jad. I would like to tell you that you can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Go to MaximumFun.reddit.com to chat about it on Reddit. You can join the MaxFun Facebook group and talk about Jordan Jessigo there. Brian Fernandez is our producer, laughing audibly outside the booth.

And also applauding when someone says something woke. I like that he's joining us in that. Brian just celebrated his 46th birthday. So congratulations to Brian for 46. He looks amazing. He looks so gorgeous.

He looks really good. You look skinny. You're skinny. You're skinny. Wait a minute. Is that, is that, is Pauly Shore visiting? Hey, buddy. You're looking skinny. Someone hasn't been wheezing the juice.

It's me, Pauly Shore. Anyway. Hey, Pauly Shore. Anyway. Hey, another impression. Great. God, I would love to be a Patrick Warburton. That would be great. I've been thinking, I haven't stopped thinking about that one time Patrick Warburton was at my house since it happened. That was like eight years ago now.

God, I would love to be in Warburton's house. You think he's got a grand piano? You know, I bet he thinks of that event the same way and with the same feral intensity. God, I'd love to go to that public radio host's house again. That baby was adorable. Like a dog who lives in the woods. Feral intensity. Anyway.

Great job, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've great job, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been Jesse Thorne. That's Jordan Morris. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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