Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 505: Cunnilingus Handlebars with Liz Sczudlo and Scott Gairdner

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

Writer Liz Sczudlo and comedian/writer Scott Gairdner joins Jordan for a non-canonical romp through the unique highlights of both Liz's and Scott's wedding playlists, a taste test of three new malt beverages to that takes everyone back to their college days, and an exploration of Canadian fucking.  Plus, Liz drops some fun facts about Kevin Bacon.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jesse Thorne out this week. So, when he's gone I kind of like to, you know, share my other passions. I mean, you know, with Jesse it's kind of just like a fun, goofy chat show. But when it's just me, I mean, I like to get a little bit more serious. And I think that people know that, you know, in addition to podcasting and, you know, comedy writing, comedy performing, my true passion is agitprop slam poetry. Agit Prop Slam Poetry. And so I think for the next 90 minutes, I'm just going to like drop some knowledge bombs on you guys. And I hope that you're mentally ready for it.

So, yeah. So here's my first piece. Russia, no collusion. But Trump, he's causing me confusion. No, never mind. I'm not going to do that. No, never mind. I'm not going to do that. I have two guests who I like a lot who might drop some knowledge bombs on you. We'll see. The first one is a writer whose work you might have seen on television programs like Awkward and the following, that you credit she says, are her least embarrassing. Liz Scudlow, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. My other guest is another writer whose work you might have seen on Conan. And of course,

he's the creator of the criminally underseen, hilariously, funnily hilarious Moonbeam City on Comedy Central, RIP, Scott Gairdner. Hi, Scott. Hey, hi. Thanks so much. Thank you for that credit. I.I.P. Scott Gardner. Hi, Scott. Hey, hi. Thanks so much. Thank you for that credit. I'm glad it's touted as criminal. No actual criminal. Someone should have been locked up. I don't want to get into it.

Something shady is going on with Sumner Redstone and Philippe Daumont and the whole Viacom. Look, I want to keep doing business with Viacom, but even still, there may be something, but not specifically related to Moonbeam City. It was a fun cartoon. I had a lot of fun making. Sure. No one thrown under the bus for that. No, this is interesting. Liz, I think, is probably the first guest

we've ever had in the history of Jordan Jesse Goh, who is in the booth wearing a medal. You are literally wearing a medal around your neck you're wearing a you're wearing a you know jeans trainers uh a smart sweater that i think has patches on the elbows it sure does and also a medal uh tell us about where you got this how you got this and uh um and yeah and why you think it's okay to wear during a podcast. It was in my purse. Okay. And I just, you know, like it leaped out into my hand and then around my neck somehow.

Yeah, and I think that just happens with medals. No, I ran a half marathon this morning. Run is like a generous term for walking. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks. It was awful. It was so bad.

How many half marathons is this for you and have you done a full marathon yes i've done three or four full marathons i don't know how many halves and i am not a i'm not a run man i don't i don't like it no no i can't help you out on that one it's not fun but something that makes me want to become a run man is when I see like Facebook ads and like posts for these runs where people will like pelt you with colored sand. Oh, the powder. Yes. Or, you know, some sort of themed marathon. I think there's one that runs through Disneyland. Have you ever done something like this or are your marathons more just a straight shot where no one hurls anything at you?

I did a zombie run. A couple of years ago, I did like the zombie – I guess it was a 10K down in Temecula. I have also seen that and wanted to do that. I got pinkeye. Oh, my god. Yeah, because you have to – so you're – it's like flag football where you have flags attached to your waist and you're running from zombies and you have three flags and if they get all three, then you're dead. The zombies have killed you. Right.

But while you're running from the zombies – You have to hide in feces. Yeah. I mean basically there's like mud pits that are like boobs deep you have to wade through. Sure. And there's like water things you have to splash through and like, I don't know, weird structures you have to climb over. things you have to splash through and like, I don't know, weird structures to climb over. So I think in one of them, they had these like live wires that electrocute you and you delay.

Like really? Yes. They're not like kill you, but like shock you. Like the horse ones. Like the horse ones? Yeah. Like a horse farm, you know, and that's how they keep the horses. Okay.

Okay. All right. I'm from these. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Okay. There we go. Big horses. Yeah. That's whatified. Okay, there we go. Big horses.

Yeah, that's what they are. Yes, dinosaurs. So this is fun for running enthusiasts, death for horses. Right, exactly. No, so you have to lay on your stomach in like mud

and just like wiggle underneath the wires otherwise you'd get shocked. Sure. And I got like a lot of mud on my face and I think that's how I got pink eye.

It was awful. It seems like it, yeah. So now I just do like normal. But then you got to stay home from school on my face. And I think that's how I got pink eye. It was awful. It seems like it. Yeah. So now I just do like normal. But then you got to stay home from school for a week. Right. Right. Which is kind of a hoot.

School of television writing. Another thing I wanted to ask you about are in addition to having recently run a marathon is a recent wedding that you had. Oh, yeah. To your husband. Yeah. So yours. But I also wanted to open it up,

open up the theme of weddings by asking Scott if I'm remembering this correctly about you. Scott, am I remembering correctly about you that one of the dances at your wedding, I don't know if it was the dance. Oh, oh. I think I know where you're going. Was to the Wendy's Hot Dr drinks song that's correct uh yes um so first i let's i know what the wendy's

hot drinks song is uh-huh can you explain it to people who might not know youtube videos from the late 90s alphabetically as uh as encyclopedically as I do. Yeah, this was a fascination down in the basement at Funny or Die where I worked for a long time. I might credit Nick Carosi for exposing me to it. But it's like a really great like training video that's a rap that's specifically about how you pour hot drinks at a Wendy's location. Like there's a lot of really specific like how the lid is put on and how many twists and fill the coffee up into the line. I'm trying to remember more lyrics of it, but it's like, hot drinks really get you going, warm you up when you feel you're slowing.

Wendy's. This is what I'm saying'm saying though is that it's really hooky it's like an it's an awesome song performed by a super charismatic dude the singer is great he's he pops on camera it's like way better than it has a right to be definitely a little michael jackson biting there's even like a woo at the end but uh but like fantastic song honestly and uh there was a also a cold drinks done at the same time perhaps on the same video cold drinks not as notable hot drinks uh takes the cake over cold drinks big time i mean i think that's what all when you know when music nerds are sitting around in their dorms hitting their bongs all right guys. Beatles or Stones? Hot drinks or cold drinks? These are the two questions.

Is Paul dead? And is the cold drinks guy dead? Yeah, it's, but like, yeah, amazing song. And I like, yeah, my wife was super on board with this as well. We made a real point of if we're going to have a lot of friends at a party, it's not often that you have control over the DJ situation. And we really made a point of you have to play it's not often that you have control over the dj situation yeah and we really made a point of you have to play it was one of our must plays and uh and the dj super confused by it initially a very nice uh fullerton man uh from uh named dennis who was

like really trying to wrap his head around dennis you got a wedding or event or bar mitzvah coming up hit up Fullerton Dennis. But he was trying to get a read of our music taste and maybe a little bit of Bob Marley. We're by the beach. You can do a little Bob Marley. And we're like, no, we are doing the Wendy's hot drink song. And that's what it is. And no Bob Marley.

Certainly not. No, that became on the no play list once as strict as the no fly list. But we, yeah, we like so wanted that to be played. And he did wrap his head around it and did right towards the end of the wedding, mixed it perfectly into Prince's Erotic City. Wow. One of my favorite songs in the world. Fullerton Dennis. He really pulled it out.

One of the best mixes I've ever heard. It was a real triumph of the wedding. And we also made a video that projected off of Fullerton Dennis's projection screen. Another thing Fullerton Dennis offers. And he, it was, we just made a video of like a lot of like, you know, weird, like weird old, weird old videos like hot drinks or weird old theme park stuff. And I think around when that mix was happening, it was synced up to, in Star Tours, the Disneyland ride where the Death Star is blown up. So we're cheering the Death Star being blown up as we're mixing from hot drinks into print. My wedding was bliss. I loved my wedding.

Yeah, it sounds... So I'm being taken, I'm being transported back there right now, and I'm very happy. Was the hot drinks the only, like, left of center wedding song that you had in there? Or did you also have like Chocolate Rain? No other particular internet. Rebecca Black's Friday. I was getting close to that kind of thing though. admittedly, was a request of my own song, which is myself, Nick Karasi, who I mentioned, and Charles Ingram, both Funny or Die writers with me.

We did a, at Funny or Die, we had a boy band that we did several music videos for called Sugar Rush. We made a song called Hanging Out with Friends, which was taken, at Funny or Die, we had access to a public dome, not a public domain, but like a royalty free music library. And we would write songs over the, these instrumental tracks. So we made this boy band song literally because there was another video

unrelated where they just needed to cut to a video and say, boy, that sucks. And so it was like, do you want to make something that sucks to put in this video? Sure. Yes, we do.

And we made an entire like three minute boy band thing. So we that was the other request was our own song Sugar Rushes hanging out with friends. And we ended it became kind of an impromptu performance, a Sugar Rush reunion at our wedding. Look at look that one. When you if you ask at the end, do you have anything to plug? I will only I have nothing videos. But yeah, I watch watch the video of my wedding. Check out Sugar Rush, Hanging Out With Friends, which was technically for a Pepsi Max branded video.

I don't even know what Pepsi Max is. It's some obscure subsect of Pepsi. I think it was the short-lived injectable Pepsi. It was the Pepsi that came with a syringe and a colorful rubber band. And you find a vein and you just. A spoon if you wanted to do it that way. Sure, yeah. There's several options.

Anyway, I think Pepsi Max might own our boy band song. But we played it at our wedding and didn't pay Pepsi a cent. Crazily. When you talk about those music libraries, I had a job for a while where i had access to one of those music libraries and i really liked like you would put in the name of like a popular artist and then you would get people trying to approximate that artist like you need something like you know this if you need something like prince if you need something like taylor swift you would type that in and then you would get, you know, some guy, you know, who's I imagine in a basement in Van Nuys just doing blow and recording as many like. And I will always remember and I have not been able to find this.

If anybody has access to a royalty free music library, please look this up for me and and send me an MP3. It was a I was looking for something that sounded like YMCA, like village people. And I got something called Big Man on the Block. And it was this – you know, you got a funky disco beat, you know, four on the floor. And you have this guy, this guy with this imposing voice going, I'm the big man on the block. Here I come. Here I come. Ha!

It was like a man bursting into your house and then ejaculating. Waking you up, middle of the night. Hey, look at this before you know it. It's me, the big man from the block. Okay, you are i believe you that's oh my god that's insane use that take he said i'm sure none of these had a second take i really got there on that one made it to that place actually ejaculated the pleasures of royalty free why listen to regular music if you have that special password? Well, you can save on royalties, too.

Yeah, that, too. It's cost-effective. Liz, the novelty at your wedding that I wanted to mention was that you had a wedding that had animal friends at it. It sure did. Yeah. How does one arrange an animal friend-heavy wedding? First, be as broke as possible.

Okay. Our venue is- I would think it would cost more you would think you think no we um you know we were trying to have like an affordable wedding um and so we ended up if you if you have like a petting zoo party for your kid and they bring like a llama and a goat to your house or whatever this is where the llama and the goat sleep at night oh so it's like a private dorm yeah yeah it's like an animal dorm um no it's like a private like a dorm yeah yeah it's like an animal dorm um no it's like a private ranch where this family's like really lovely family lives and it's just sort of like a

big open space you can do whatever you want with it um but there's like animals everywhere uh and for like 150 bucks we could have a petting zoo during cocktail hour and for 200 bucks we could have a zebra and all of our wedding photos shit dude yeah i. Yeah. I mean, that's an easy 200 bucks. Yeah. I mean, the downside was like right in the middle of the vows, the mini donkey began braying. So it was like, it was like, Kenny, I promise to be your partner. Like literally, like exactly.

It was like a cartoon donkey. Wow. He didn't buy your vows, I guess. Yeah. Wow. You know. He didn't buy your vows, I guess. Yeah.

Wow. And I mean, it seems like, you know, like, obviously, none of us here are shallow people. I don't know about you guys, but one of my hobbies is being present in the moment. What? What'd you say? Scott, man, get off your little hit note box. Get out of Snapchat. Add emails, man. What do your little hit-no box. Get out of Snapchat. That emails, man.

What do you want out of me? But I would imagine that one takes a certain amount of pride in having a well-Instagrammed wedding or a well-posted-about wedding. wedding and it seems to me that in in wanting to have an affordable wedding and finding this petting zoo zone that you may have purposefully or not purposefully created perhaps the most instagrammable wedding of all time you would think that yeah snapchat fucking killed my wedding everyone's snapping everything and then six seconds later, it was gone. Or I don't know. Oh, so any kind of tally you wanted to maybe get was fucking Snapchat. Yeah. Because one of my girlfriends made like a personalized wedding Snapchat filter.

And so everyone was using it. And then the next day, there were no photos of my wedding. They don't exist. It was like Kenny and Liz. Hee haw. Yeah. Exactly. We also had a song, this story

will tell you everything you need to know about me. Two years ago, Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees You don't need to clarify. We both know who you're talking about. Not Drew Lachey. Let's be careful here. He made a cover

song album with all sorts of cover songs that has disappeared from the internet. You cannot find it anymore. And so the only song I wanted to hear at my wedding was Nick Lachey's cover of Falling Slowly from the musical Once. And our DJ spent like three weeks trying to track it down. So I literally had to stop the dance floor and walk over with my cell phone where I still have the song obviously so he could plug my cell phone in

so I could dance my wedding to Nick Lachey's cover Falling Slowly From Once you know when I want to find a Nick Lachey deep cut I just go to the Morton's where he's parking cars he usually has a flash drive or a CD-R with him. You might have to go to his car to get it. It's just a big pile in the trunk.

Yeah, yeah. I think I got one. 700 CDs. Do you have any idea why this song, this album was scrubbed? No. And I Googled it, but it turns out no one else cares but me. So there's not even like a Reddit chain about it. So just pure apathy.

It's just gone. Yeah. But they also pulled it out of my computer or iTunes. Like it's no longer in my computer. Because it kind of claimed things that you downloaded when that reorganization happened. Yeah. All the files got. Yeah, yeah.

I can never sync my phone again. Otherwise, I'm going to lose my Nick Lachey cover album. So you won't update. No, I can update no i can't that's really funny what it is now what is it about this song is it a is there is there an ironic appreciation is it legitimate appreciation how how do you what how do you feel about nick lachey's cover from once like it makes me want to i mean it's like a little it's like somewhere between those two things like i want to like i like listen to it and cry on the floor and i want to write like an

epic romance novel okay that's the mood of this man gotcha that's my favorite thing is if it's like if it's um like if especially if something starts is like ironic appreciation but becomes real or if something that's like dancing between the two, because I hate if I get written off as like, oh, you like bad things or like are so bad it's good. And it's not quite like it's kind of hard to attach yourself to something that just sucks. Right. Like if you don't, yeah, there's got to be some transcendent quality, which I think a lot of bad things people would call bad have.

Right. Like if there's no one else in the room, I just deeply love it. And if there are other people in the room, it's totally ironic. It's really where I land. Oh, yeah. No, I'm making fun of it. It's not really. Yeah.

So cheesy, guys. On this note, do you guys want to come over and watch Demolition Man? And then Face Off. Yes. And then four Fast and Furious movies. How did your respective spouses feel about the addition of these songs? Were both of them okay with it? Was anybody weird?

Did anyone have to be talked into it? No, Aaron totally on board. Like, yeah, big fan of Hot Drinks, big fan of my boy band, especially. Oh, please, you have to do Sugar. I'm trying to think if there was any point of contention. We pretty much agree. In fact, that that video that I referred to, I don't think it made it to that. We put too much on the video. So the dance time like outlasted the video was longer than the dance floor was open. But we ended up just the end of it was about 25 minutes of a movie called Cocaine One Man's Seduction.

about 25 minutes of a movie called Cocaine, One Man's Seduction. Oh, boy. A TV movie starring Dennis Weaver, who was on Gunsmoke and is the star of the movie Duel, the Bones Spielberg's original movies. Kind of like, you know, crusty-looking, mustachioed character actor guy. But this movie is just, like, full of... It's supposed to be warning you about the dangers of cocaine. He's like a guy, kind of a listless businessman who's trying to get vigor in his life.

And somebody gives actually a young Jeffrey Tambor gives him coke at a party and then it like turns his life around. He's got energy. Everything's different. But then he said, but then Tambor, like the canary in the coal mine, like takes a dive and he's crazy and sweating and you got to help me. And then the same thing happens to Weaver. But anyway, it's supposed to be – That's a pretty good timbre, by the way. Please. That was bad.

That was like Don Pardo. Musical guest. My cocaine habit. Dennis Weaver. Yeah, but so it was supposed to – it's a movie about like warning you about the dangers of cocaine but it's also just like full of dope 80s architecture and cool looking parties and we it's like what we wanted our party to look like basically and we were at this venue that sort of hasn't changed since the early 80s in laguna beach so we're like yeah let's uh well let's let's

the fact that aaron was down with like i could see you guys playing that and then Fullerton Dennis coming over and going, oh, hey, you can see me in this. Oh, cool. Yeah. There's Jeffrey. This is my big break. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Filmed in Fullerton Dennis' backyard. So it seems like you and your wife, who I have met a couple of times, like kind of bonded over this stuff. Like this is something, this kind of, you know, teetering between bad, good, ephemera type stuff. Oh, yeah. You guys both like a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot in that category. And especially in like this early 80s vibe.

And my show Moonbeam City was this this sort of neon 80s throwback show. Yeah, we were definitely like obsessed with, yeah, weird, weird old, weird old garbage and cool to kind of discarded aesthetics. And actually before like both of us were involved in the early days of The Room. Like we knew each other in high school, but we weren't dating yet, but we were like that movie came out at the theater closest to us in the valley where we grew up, and that was some of the first that

we ever hung out was early screenings. Throwing spoons at the room. Throwing spoons. My friend Michael Rousselet invented the spoons, and it's one of the weirdest things. It's as if you knew somebody who invented a you know some weird turn of phrase that everybody says now and like i know the person who did that sure yeah like i definitely i remember him inventing we i know what we should

do i knew the first guy to to abbreviate fuck my life as fml. Right. Yes, exactly. He doesn't get a medal for doing that. You just have to take his word for it. But yeah, Michael Rousselet, if you're ever at a screening of that movie and you get hit in the back of the head with 12 plastic spoons, it's Michael Rousselet's fault. Liz, how did your husband feel about lost boy band songs? Well, I lobbied very hard for it to be our first dance number, like the one that we did the, like, we went to, like, Arthur Murray. We, like, learned how to dance. Oh, cute.

We had, like, a wedding in the 80s. Like, we did not have a cool 80s wedding, but we did many strange things as if we were in the 80s. Like, go to Arthur Murray in Van Nuys and learn how to do the box step. the 80s like go to Arthur Murray and Van Nuys and learn how to do the box step my uh Aaron uh my wife and her dad went to that same Arthur Murray to learn their first dance and they did three rehearsals and then all of a sudden her dad was like not doing it if one of the guys sees me I'll never hear the other I think he said yeah it was literally that. He's concerned about the guys. Like his country club bud. Sure. And he was, I think he said, I don't want to go viral. He was worried he would be like the wedding dad joke.

And then he'd never, he could never show his face in public again. But anyway, we were trying to have Arthur Murray representation and it didn't work out. But anyway, how'd yours go? I mean, it went fine. I don't know if you need to spend a lot of money to learn how to do very basic ballroom dance steps at your wedding. Listeners, I would not recommend it. No, they were great. I mean, they were great.

But so anyway, I'd love to. One, two, three? Right. Yeah, it's one, two, three. One, two, three. Peter Pan. Thanks. Thanks. Three? Right. Yeah, it's one, two, three, one, two, three, Peter Pan. Oh, nice. Okay.

Thanks, thanks. No, so I lobbied really hard for Nick Lachey Falling Slowly to be our wedding song that we danced to in front of everyone, which he felt vehemently opposed to. Sure. So he just felt lucky that it only got played once. He wanted it to be a Joey Fatone deep cut. Exactly. Exactly.

I want it to be Joey Fatone's rendition of the Macarena. What did you guys agree on? It's a U2 song. Okay. I don't even like U2. No, I don't know why I'm blanking right now. It's the theme song from Reality Bites. I can kind of hear it in my head, but yeah, sure.

What is that? Not one. No, it's... I literally got married like five seconds ago. I went to Arthur Murray and I danced to this song 800 times. And you, it's, hmm. I'm going to shout it out in like 10 minutes and we're on another session. There are 35-year-old nerds crashing their car right now because they're yelling the name of the song. All I want is you, thank song. All I Want is You.

Thank you. All I Want is You. Yeah. Oh, thanks. Which I only like because Rally Bites is my favorite movie. Oh, really? But that's good. So you had a connection as well.

It wasn't just my song v. your song. Right. There was something in it that you guys could kind of agree on. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like Once or is that pairing totally just random? It's just the pairing. Wow.

I've never even seen Once. Oh, that's great. It's just the pairing. Wow. I've never even seen one. Oh, that's great. It's just the most romantic song that has ever been sung in the history of the world. I wish it was available. Hopefully this podcast will increase its availability. Yeah, so hey, sleuths of the internet, I know you're out there. We have two jobs for you.

One, the Nick Lachey version of Once. And, you know, hey, fucking let's find that whole covers album, huh? Oh, it's so good. What else do we got on there? He sings, what does he sing? What a Wonderful World. He sings. You got to hear her. Yeah.

I mean, Louis Armstrong. Yeah, no. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Suck all those Louis-isms out of it. Come on. Just have a regular guy singing it for you. Just have a. It's fine. But suck all those Louie-isms out of it. Come on. Just have a regular guy singing it for you.

Just have a nice white singing it. Unadorned basic singer. He hits the Peter Gabriel classic, In Your Eyes. Well, I would want to hear that. Oh, my God. He does Sarah McLachlan's Angel. Okay. So good.

It sounds like a very good album and all over the place, too. It's my favorite album. It's the intersection of everything that I like. So, okay, Sluicen, once you're done digging that one up, also find the library-free classic Big Man on the Block. And, hey, if there's a mashup to be made, who am I to say we won't play it on a future episode? DJ Dennis. We're waiting for you. Yeah, Fullerton Dennis.

Fullerton Dennis. I know you probably only use the Internet at the library once a week. But well, yeah, once. Listen, we've we've given people a lot to do. Let's take a little bit of a break and we'll be back with perhaps the worst recurring segment on this podcast. That's right. We'll be back with more Jordan. Jesse, go. On this podcast. That's right. We'll be back with more Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

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I'm Jordan Morris, boy, detective, uh, Scott Garner, AKA skis, Gerdner boy detective. Scott Gairdner, a.k.a. Skizz Gairdner. Liz Scudlow, a.k.a. Scooty. Good nicknames, guys. I had mine in my pocket. That's my Instagram. It's the slightly more wrapped out, scissor-up version of my name. So you even got a plug in there with your...

Oh, yeah, you're right oh i'm like dropping them slowly sugar rush instagram you always gotta be working it sure you gotta plugs uh tweenfest on go 90 all right no one knows what that is i'm aware i'm aware it's where we watch soccer off-brand soccer game. So, guys, here is what we are about to do. And thank you for joining me on this journey, by the way. This will not be fun. Oh, no. So something – how to give background on this.

So I am an outspoken proponent of the product, the Bud Light Lime. Have you guys had a Bud Light Lime? Oh, yeah. It's a Corona. Yeah. Basically, it's Bud Light withime. Have you guys had a Bud Light Lime? Oh, yeah. It's a Corona. Yeah. Basically, it's Bud Light with a little nip of lime. It's a little bit sweet. Okay.

And I really like these, and I think that it's a great drink, and especially in this era of crafty, complicated beers appreciated by walking beards. It's nice to, which I enjoy. I enjoy a hoppy local lager as much as the next fella. A time and a place for it, sure. But I think we also need to appreciate an easy drinking, you know, inexpensive, mass-produced brew. Sure. Agree.

And that is what I think the Bud Light Lime is. It's a good summertime drink. You can have a cooler of them for cheap. You can pass them around. You can drink them all day at a barbecue, and it's a little slice of heaven. So I'm a big fan of Bud Light Lime. I could not be less of a fan of the Bud Light Lime Orita. I think this is an awful product, and it tastes like – this is a tiny malt beverage that somehow is wishing you thought it was a margarita. One of the more delicious drinks, this is one of the worst drinks.

It's an abomination i would i would call the taste like like the the the most the loudest public fight you've had with the worst person you've dated it's that but a taste it's like it's just it's just shame it's just embarrassment and it's like a little mediciney oh so i hate bud light limer. It's really funny they're just one tick away in name. Sure. It's a single syllable and makes all the difference. A single Arita. I guess you know what Arita is? Three syllables.

Three simple syllables. But for some weird reason people think that because I like Bud Light Lime I appreciate the Arita family of products and when appreciate the Arita family of products. And when a new Arita drops, people will get at me on social media asking what I think about it. The Mango Rita. The winter-specific Cran-burr-rita.

The burr-rita. Burr. It's cold. Drink something that's like cranberry. I don't know. The fall classic. The Dead Leave cranberry. I don't know. The fall classic, the dead leave-a-rita. That's not real. Jackalita-rita. Yeah, the pumpkin spice-a-rita.

So, from time to time, I mean, usually when Jesse's not here because he's a non-drinker, usually when Jesse's not here because he's a non-drinker, I like to dive into the world of awful malt beverages, taste some new ones, just to re-emphasize the fact that I do not like these. To prove with your disgust as you go. Yes, I want to have on-air disgust that I do not like these. Stop recommending. So before our taping, I stopped by the old BevMo, and I got some things I had never seen before.

And boy, are they all awful colored. So our first drink today, and I want your guys' opinion. And I definitely, like, in the time we've been doing this, have had some that I think have been kind of tasty. I think maybe the last time my fave was the Not Your Dad's Hard Root Beer. Oh, that's so good. They are pretty tasty. I have a bottle opener. I can't imagine these aren't twist-offs.

Yeah, let's experiment. Yep. Okay. So our first malt beverage here that I got from the BevMo is a Jack Daniels branded product. It smells like cough syrup. It's a Jack Daniels Down Home Punch. 4.8% alcohol by volume. Contains alcohol. Down Home

Punch. It's pink. It's very pink. It's so pink it's almost clear. I wish you could see me glare at this. There's no way to hear that. I would call the color unhealthy urine. Like urine you should be

worried about. You would think as someone who just spent 25 minutes talking about how great Nick Lachey is that I would love a malt beverage. But I have my reservations. Now, before we take a sip, I just want to know, and these are only going to get better as they get warmer, guys.

Do you guys have opinions about this kind of product? And these are only going to get better as they get warmer, guys. Yeah, yeah. Stalls. Do you guys have opinions about this kind of product, Arita or otherwise? I'm open to them because I also have feelings about, like, you know, beards and IPAs. And so, like, I can drink, like, a dad's hard root beer, but, I mean, Jack Daniels flavored cough syrup is like. Yeah. I, for some reason, don't think we're going to be getting a lot of Jack Daniels character in this. It's in name only. It's like Spielberg producing Tiny Toons or something. He was on Tiny Toons.

Oh, wait, that's right. Yeah, he would like show up. He'd do a, all right, never mind. Well, that's what that'll be. Will there be as much Jack Daniels in Down on Punch as there is Spielberg in Tiny Toons? All right. Yeah, he would show up. He'd do a, all right, never mind. Well, that'll be, will there be as much Jack Daniels in Down Home Punch as there is Spielberg in Tiny Toons? All right, well, let's all have a drink and then, yeah, and give our thoughts. Down Home Punch. Oh, it tastes like college.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. I mean, am I torpedoing the thesis of this segment? I don't hate this. I honestly don't hate this. Yeah. It tastes better than it smells. It sure does.

Yeah. It's not overwhelming. I would have. Yeah. I would have drank this when I was younger for sure. Like when I drank sodas, which I do not anymore. This could have been in the mix. And there's some, I don't know.

Yeah, it's like juice with fizz. It's fine. It's a very begrudging approval on my part. When I went to college, frats had to be on campus. Like in the dorms was a very weird system. And then there was a rule that they could only charge $5 for parties. So they would get trash cans and then just like fill them with was always called jungle juice, no matter what was in it, and it tasted a lot like this. It was a good party.

Okay. So you're maybe having a little bit of a positive association with this. I'm at the basement of Fisai. Scott, what was a typical Scott Gerrard-er party like? What was a typical Scott Gerrard-der party like? Watching things of the hot drinks nature, most likely. It's the four people gathered around a computer. Watching E-bombs world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old, yeah. Although I'm watching, I remember before there was YouTube, watching stuff like, what was that video, America We Stand as One? Do you remember that? Oh, sure, yeah. This horrible patriotic music video with really cheesy production value. Right, and it's this guy singing about America, and he's open shirt, American flag do-rag.

This Mr. Show character in real life. Yeah, basically, and he's singing about America on the beach, and there's a lot of superimposed eagle heads. And he's singing about America on the beach. And there's like, you know, a lot of like superimposed eagle heads. Yeah. He is hit by a high tide that they have. They have taken the look like the American flag. Blue has been keyed out as all a blue screen and turned into red, white and blue. So he's hit by this.

Yeah. Wave of America. So I think my parties were watching things of that nature before they were readily available on YouTube. Uh, this is taking me back to, uh, there was a big, the one time we did have like a huge, like, like a big old rager in the dorm. I was in like a, a triple, uh, it was a corner room. So there were three people in there.

Oh, those triples were always fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know there's always a party in the triple. We had kind of an onus to be a party room even though we were all weird dorks. Although one of the – it was me and another odd social miscreant and giant dinosaur nerd and then a like very sociable guy who became the president of the school. I mean the president of the students, not of the organization Loyola Merriman. He became the dean. No, he wasn't.

Yeah, the dean emeritus. Not of the organization. No, he wasn't. Yeah. And the Dean Emeritus. But so the one time we did have like a big rager, it was a it was specifically a themed bum wine party where we all got a bunch of bottles of different, neon blue, neon green, and it was a fucking disaster. There were fights. And I think we can all look back a little problematic. To that term, yes. College kids to be making fun of the homeless. Different times. Us kids, some of whom either we have scholarships or our parents are paying for.

What if we pretended to be poor? Yeah, it's pretty. Yes. So this Catholic University. All right. You've pointed out a lot of levels to this. I didn't realize we're so bad. Well, that's what I do.

I drop truth bombs. There we go. Do another slam poem? Drink a lot of Mad Dog and then do a slam poem. Drink a lot of Mad Dog and then do a slam poem. But because of this party, it was a giant... Girls who came to the party ended up passed out. It was an all-boys dorm and girls were passed out in the boys' restroom. And we got written up.

It was a huge thing. And as a result of all this, I had to tell my parents that I'm drinking. That was what caused me to have to explain. I was holding it for a friend.'m drinking. That was what caused me to have to explain. I was holding it for a friend. I was holding all of them for many friends. My friend called yellow and zebra stripe. It was a zebra stripe bum one.

Okay. All right. So I think it's time. We have three bottles here. Let's do number two. So this is from, this is a beloved brand on this segment this is a smirnoff ice watermelon mimosa a smirnoff ice watermelon mimosa similar color um yeah a little more vibrant the other one was kind of a cloudy pink yeah this is like for real clear yeah yeah um so yeah. So, I mean, I definitely have, you know, like some of my early drinking was Smirnoff Ice. And yeah, so and I, you know, and it's embarrassing. And I think I think people, people were right to tease me at the time. I've grown out of them, but they have a special place in my heart. I kind of like an easing into alcohol. And I think that think that's you know kind of what they're for and maybe why they're um a problem valiant products yeah but i also did

you guys do you guys remember the god i forget what year this was if you guys can peg this year that would be helpful do you guys remember the bros icing bros trend no were you around for okay uh i don't was i i feel like i might have been working somewhere where you were pressured to do a parody of this. What if John McCain was icing? 2010. Okay, that's about right. So here's how Bros Icing Bros went. And again, I'm glad I'm talking about this before we actually drink because the warmer these get, the more delicious they are.

The more pure the flavor. Yeah, I like them hot. Hot ices. Hot ice. I like a hot ice. So Bros Icing Bros was something that bros did. And it was where you had a warm Smirnoff ice on you at all times. So you would carry a warm ice with you.

And if you're a man who does this, you're probably a man who wears giant shorts. So you have a place to keep the ice. So that's probably, I mean, I think that's probably the first thing a lot of us think. Well, where are you keeping this ice? These guys, they've got a place. They've got a place on either side of the short. Perfect. I guess it could be in a hat as long as it was contained.

Sure. Like if you could find a slot in a visor or a – Yeah, yeah. Not a lot of options. I guess a fanny pack isn't going to – that's not something a bro would do. Yeah, probably doesn't quite go with that look. But it's – you know, where you keep the ice is not important. That's to be conceived.

As long as it's a trick. And it's warm. And you, yeah. And very warm. Sure. And yes, as long as wherever it is, it's getting hotter by the second. So you have this ice on you, and when you see one of your bros, you have to trick them into seeing the ice.

It's kind of like, did you guys ever do that thing where you have to make the little okay sign, and then somebody looks at it, and they get punched, or a Dutch oven, or something like that? No, well these are all things that these are part there's a normal part of growing up looking at an okay on my privilege tower uh pretending to drink poor person beverages um yeah you would have played these games ironically in 2010 you would get your bro to look at the ice. You would present it to them neck first.

You would hold the neck and you would present it to them, I guess that's butt first. And then they would have to, whatever they were doing, whatever situation they were in, they would have to drop to one knee and chug the ice in one drink. Bros icing bros. Always

suspected to be viral marketing for the ice. No one really knew. I think to this day it was a mystery where this got started. But I think this also pointed to a class of men that it didn't matter if they did this in the middle of the day because it wouldn't affect their day that much. Also in the basement of FISA. Yes. Yeah, for sure. So, yeah.

So, anyway. So, I was working at Fuel TV in 2010. Fuel TV, RIP, was the television network devoted to skateboarding, snowboarding, and the other action sports. So, I had a summer of being iced. Oh, God. Wait, like that was just part of the culture there? You were doing it. You would get iced.

You would have to drop to one knee and pound it if you were working. But also no one looked at you weird because that was just where you worked. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Ten times a day. Yeah. A lot of liver damage that you sustained in that time. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuel TV ended not because the ratings were bad, because everyone died. The last surviving member. Me and Chris Fairbanks, the only two made it out of Fuel TV alive. But we just had traditional ices. We did not have the Smirnoff Ice Watermelon Mimosa, which we are going to try now. It smells exactly like a watermelon jelly rancher. Yeah, it sure does.

Way worse. Way worse. Way worse! Way worse! This is bad! Oh no! No, no, no, no, no. This is literally for middle schoolers. This is the gateway drink. Sure. Smirnoff was like, how can we get 11-year-olds to like alcohol

more? Make it taste like jelly rancher. There's not enough drunk 11-year-olds. Oh man, I would love this in ninth grade. Like if there was a drink that was like Jolly Ranchers. There's not enough drunk 11-year-olds. Oh, man. I would love this in ninth grade. This sucks. Like if there was a drink that was like handy snacks. Yeah. If the Gusher Gush was alcoholic.

Sure, yeah. If it was a little shot. That's a good idea, actually. Fuck, that is kind of helpful. That's a nice donation to the Gusher company. Yeah. Adult Gushers. Gushers for daddy.

Not your daddy's. Not your daddy's Gushers. Oh, wait. What is your daddy's Gushers for daddy. Not your daddy's. Not your daddy's Gushers. Oh, wait. I know it is your daddy's Gushers. Yeah. This sucks. It's amazing how close it looks to the Jack Daniels one, but it just tastes so much worse. Yeah.

I'm going to have to go back and forth. Yeah. I am going to wash the taste of the Smirnoff Ice out of my mouth with the Jack Daniels Down Home Punch. Oh, if my parents could see me holding both bottles at the same time. Our sons made it. Did you ever play? Do you guys know John Chernin?

He created the mic on Fox. I do not. I don't work there. I'm not plugging it. It's great. Sure. We went to college together and he had what was called the 40s party every Tuesday. And he was a sophomore.

I was a freshman. We were like dying to get invited. I finally did. And so we got like full-blown 40s, like I guess it's like 30s, but like flapper costumes. And like so we roll in deep in these like basically Halloween costumes. It was a fucking 40s malt liquor party. And you're like, where's the hooch? We're here for the.

And every Tuesday, like dozens of kids would hang out in his room to play Edward Forty Hands. And so like my secret skill is having malt liquor duct taped to both hands and drinking them very quickly. Oh, boy. Which you can do while wearing a trench coat, a Carmen Sandiego style. I don't know what you... I'm having trouble naming 40s female attire. I think I was like

sort of like gangster. Like I got like some sort of like, you know, I was like 19. Like an Al Capone kind of thing. Like a bustier. Sure, sure.

Okay, sure. I know, something to put my tits out. Beads. Yeah, boy. No, thank you, Smirnoff Ice. So we got one more.

We got one more malt here. This is from the Not Your Father's family, which has expanded since we last did this segment. So the Not Your Father's root beer was something that I think I remember we kind of liked, and it's expanded. There's now a Not Your Mother's apple pie, which is like a cider type thing, I think. But this is not your father's mountain ale. So what I think this is signaling with the name and the color. Is it Mountain Dew? Which I think it is supposed to be an alcoholic Mountain Dew variant.

Citrus brew. I have had the apple pie one. It's a lot. It's good, but it's a lot. Yeah, this is 5% alcohol by volume. And actually, I don't think I said the Smirnoff Ice alcohol by volume. I think it's an important fact

that people want to know. 5.8%. So the Smirnoff Ice will get you the most fucked up out of these. There's one thing going for it. Maybe hold your nose and pound it. These are not twist off. Okay, here, I can grab... can grab a thing here we can use.

It's a bottle opener. I'll pass it around. No need to break. So, yeah, how do you guys feel about a Mountain Dew non-alcoholic? Is that something you guys will have from time to time? I was never a Dew guy. No, not even when I drank soda. How is it different, actually, than Sprite or 7-Up?

I mean, super caffeinated, right? Yeah, it tastes sort of like Gatorade-y almost. Oh, okay. So a little, because those are like a notch away from like a lime sparkling water or something. Sprite's closer to that, but Mountain Dew's a little fakier. The last time I had one was probably three in the morning on a night shoot when you're like, I can't have more coffee, but I have to stay awake and watch Kevin Bacon beat up

bad guys. That's a very relatable scenario you laid out. So I had a lot of diet Mountain Dews back in my following days. A lot of diet Dews? Does Bacon have a diet Dew? No, I've only- Let's hear some bacon facts. I've only ever seen-

He's super nice. I've only ever seen him eat raw greens. Wow. They would bring in- They'd roll in a sushi chef, and they'd be hand-making sushi to order, and he would eat a piece of spinach or a leaf of kale.

Wow. Yeah, he's in great shape. That's why he's the best. Yeah. Looking sharp. All right. Yeah, he's in great shape. That's why he's the best. Looking sharp. All right. So, yeah. So the color of this is, yeah, is like alien you would see on a 90s cat in the hat hat.

You guys know these aliens, right? I think so. Wait a minute. What do you mean? I know what you're talking about. Like that Area 51 jerky on the way to Vegas? Yes, exactly. That kind of generic alien?

Yeah. So let's have a sip. I, in general, have strong, good feelings about the brand. I'm hoping this will be tasty. Hmm. It's like Fresca. It tastes just like Fresca. It is a little bit of Fresca.

There is a little hint of fresca in this. Huh. I know my yellow soda's guy. Yeah, clearly. A little fresca head over here. Not quite a mellow yellow. But it's in that zone. It's not a not-your-father's mellow yellow.

Yeah. I dig it. It feels more like something I would drink. It's a little, yeah, it feels more like something I would drink. It's closer to the family of what I would drink than pink watermelon type stuff. I'm also engrossed by the Mountie, the rugged mountain man on the bottle. There's kind of an explorer guy or a prospector type. A Lewis or a Clark in that like line drawn political cartoon style.

Right. He's holding a stick that says tariffs on it. That's a good point about robber barons. Hitting a pig. Yeah. Oh, curse that Tammany Hall.

See, I like this bottle because if you're trying to be the cool girl at the party, you know, you're like, I am usually. I just want a Woodchuck cider, but everyone's going to like, you know, you're like... Which I am usually. I just want a Woodchuck cider, but everyone's going to like,

you know, it's like the pumpkin spice of party drinks. You could hold this and people would think you were drinking like a pretentious IPA. Yeah. The bottle is pretty good. It looks beer-y enough that you could probably get away with it.

Yeah. So, okay. So this is something good for people who maybe don't have that sophisticated beer palate but still want to present like a – Lie to the world. A curated – you're drinking a curated beverage. Something that was carefully crafted.

I think the name of the company is Small Town Brewery. So, yeah, they definitely have that old-timey, gastropubby-type marketing. Yeah. But, yeah, but for what is essentially a essentially a yeah a dirtbag teenager in Florida. Yeah. A slightly classier. Yeah. It tastes like my window in Fresca had a baby.

Yeah. So not you know this and I think this is the big a big problem with these types of beverages is that the drink is not bad but the aftertaste kicks you in the kicks you in the what have you. Yes. There's an accrued effect after three of them for sure. Yeah. The coating of the throat doesn't feel too great at this point. Yeah, great to be talking into a microphone with a mucousy mouth full of sugar.

Yeah, am I smacking? Do I sound more disgusting than half an hour ago? Yeah, this is worse than our Jolly Rancher taste test, which we did last week. Oh, boy. Yeah, so I think I'm going to rank these Smirnoff Ice way, way down at the bottom. Avoid this product. Avoid the Watermelon Mimosa. Bring it up the middle.

It's the Mountain Ale. And I think my fave is this Jack Daniels Down Home Punch. This is not terrible. If there was a little cooler of these at a barbecue, I might drink one. Yeah. Hmm. That's a tough. I'm almost tempted to go.

I don't know. You know, I was starting to lean towards the Mountain Ale, the green one, but I kind of had the least to say about it. Maybe I'm the most fond of the Jack Daniels down home punch in general. It was the most striking at the top. Yeah, I might do the same order as you. Okay. Liz, do you have any thoughts? I'm literally double fisting now, going back and forth. You know, I hate whiskey

and I hate Jack Daniels, but you might be right. I think it might be the down home punch. Alright, guys. Well, we're calling Jack Daniels down home punch the official malt beverage of Jordan Dessigo. Everything else can go fuck itself. We'll be right back with more Jordan Dessigo.

In celeb news this week, the hosts of Lady to Lady took a break from hanging with today's hottest comedians, actors, and writers to sell a sex machine. What'd they do with all that cash? Rent a party bus to go to Magic Mike Live in Vegas, of course. All of this on the heels of a salacious sizzler session with Home Alone

four-star French Stewart. Want to know what the f*** we're talking about? Tune into Lady to Lady whenever, wherever you listen to podcasts. Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Old skizgirdy. Liz Fedlow, the tits in the room, I don't even know. Yeah, that's good. There's pressure to be female all of a sudden.

I've been drinking malt beverages. And feeling very feminine. I mean, you drink enough pink sugar water and you start to feel like a lady. We'll end up with tits before you know it. I'm just going to shut Smirnoff Ice. Yeah, sure. you know it. Finish that Smirnoff Ice. Yeah, sure. Tits in a bottle. Smirnoff Ice. You want some ovaries, fellas?

From time to time on the show and by from time to time, I mean every single episode just about, we like to turn it over to our answering machine and our lovely listeners who have given us a call at 206-9844-FUN and left us a message.

Brian, let's see who has called the hotline this week. Hi, this is a longtime listener from Canada. I'm being deliberately anonymous. I asked my wife for permission, and she gave it with her blessing. So I'm currently at the airport. I'm about to fly away to spend a week on a tropical island on a private beach with my mistress, which I'm quite looking forward to. So that's it.

You hear me punching a blimp. Get him, get him, get him. Bye. Wow. Okay. Sure. Wow. Okay. Sure. Thank you for sharing.

Is this a real tale? No, we have a penthouse forum. I never thought I'd be making this call. Yeah. So for you guys, punch a blimp is our slogan for this year. It's a kind of an inspiring phrase people can use to motivate themselves. Oh, and empowering. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, punch that blimp. You know, who knows? Crack the whip. Ride the snake. Yeah, crack the whip. Ride the snake. Punch the blimp. It fits right in.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you know what? I like, I have to appreciate that it's happening on a tropical island because usually those mistresses get relegated to Motel 6s, double trees. Yeah. And I think personally, I think the mistresses of the world deserve better. Well, the thing that's shocking to me – I mean he sounded very Canadian. I believe that he's from Canada. Sure.

I spent last summer filming there and I didn't know they were – they're so nice. I didn't know the Canadians took mistresses. Yeah. They're just the nicest people. So – but's down she seemed i mean yeah so clearly he's nice enough to ask permission yeah right yes this is the most canadian affair would it be okay with you if i fucked another woman on a tropical island sure i don't want to put you out you could use the rest yeah you'll probably pick up some skills you can bring home to me sure yeah just stop by the tim hortons on the way home um that's all i know about canada um is there i love the sky the sky dome in toronto is a beautiful great place Beautiful. Great place to see a game. Beautiful dome. Beautiful dome. Whatever that, the Skylon Tower. And now that's all I know.

Okay. Just thought I'd throw them in. Did you find, when you were in Canada, did you find it to be a hot and nasty sexual nation? Because this call seems to be pointing to a real fuckfest north of our borders. I mean, right? No. You know, right? No. You know, I was in rural Nova Scotia, which is so far east. It's four hours ahead of California.

Okay. And you guys probably have not read Anne of Green Gables, but it's like very similar. Okay. So, no, there was no, I mean, I think it's probably the only crew I've ever been on that I haven't fucked anyone. Sure. It's not horny. No, not at all.

It was like polite. Everyone was lovely. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. And everybody's just frozen frigid, I guess not horny. No, not at all. It was like polite. Everyone was lovely. Sure. Yeah. And everybody's just frozen frigid, I guess. So cold. Yeah, I guess there is too cold to fuck. I guess that is something.

That's why, yeah, you got to go tropical if you want to do it. Oh, yeah, maybe that's, yeah, maybe that's hence the tropical island. Maybe they're just trying to get away from that, yeah, from that cold that makes you want to leave it in your pants. But if I – like, is that your vacation money? Like, if I'm the wife, I'm like, you can go fuck that woman. Like, give me the night off. But, like, I want to go on a tropical vacation. Right.

Like, is the mistress funding this island? I have questions. Maybe the mistress is paying. I hope so. I mean, I think – listen, I think – I like to think that we're in a new, more enlightened area where the mistress can pay. I hope so. Who are we to assume that the man pays for the illicit fuck fest? Right.

She has her own money. Or she may be an heiress to something. Yeah. To the Tim Hortons. Oh, sure. It's Jenny Horton. She's a younger Horton. And I also, you know, and also I would like to know, you know, I want a little bit more information on the story.

I mean, hopefully, you know, either the wife is, you know, has a bone down or a vagina down. Sure. Happening in Canada or offsite somewhere herself. Maybe on a different tropical island. Or just across the border. Sure. Seattle. Yeah, sure. I could have the Seattle. Detroit. herself maybe on a different tropical island or just just across the border um sure seattle detroit yeah it could be a detroiter yes it might be yeah it might be a good old good old detroit fuck fest or maybe like a like a wayne gretzky cousin i mean there's a lot of like strapping hockey guys up there yeah sure oh somebody maybe she timed timed his vacation. They coordinated it to where a Calgary flame is in town for only that, for a triple header.

Isn't that why they refer to the mullet as cunnilingus handlebars? Because you're getting your box munched by a member of the Calgary flame. Well, yes, Canada, you're a sexy nation. Brian, do we have any other phone calls? Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Nathan from Louisville calling with an update on my recent momentous occasion. I found out that my upstairs neighbor's shitty, loud boyfriend was in fact a wanted criminal

and ratted him out and had him sent to jail. Jordan had asked how bad of a bad dude he was. Well, to clarify, apparently not so much of a bad dude, but due to prison overcrowding, he has been released into the home incarceration system. So he is now serving out the remainder of his sentence without ever being able to leave the apartment above mine. It's not stopping him from practicing his kick flips or working on his rap mixtape at all hours of the night.

I hate my life. Have a good day. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So, yes, I'm sure you guys picked up. This is a clarification on a call from a couple of weeks ago. Yeah.

Imagine. I mean, I don't know what you're. I mean, Liz, I've been to your place. You don't have. You don't share walls with anyone. You're a homeowner. Sure am. I am an apartment renter.

Scott, do you guys have neighbors on either side or above or below? Below, I think we're the problem because we'll stomp around with workouts. Oh, I also – I have like a – I have a weird old keyboard, an old Wurlitzer Electric that they asked me to stop playing. I think there's vibrations that were going straight down into the floor, and I took the request. I wasn't as brazen as this criminal who's kicking and flipping. Rapping. I guess so. I don't know.

He's living a cool life. Yeah. I don't like that he's disrupting anyone else's situation, but boy, he's making the best of the house arrest. You know, if you're going to be under house arrest, you might as well get better at your skateboard tricks. Or that mixtape you've been meaning to get to. And write that novel. Because once I'm out there in the world, I can skate to my concerts and show off my cool moves. When I was a teacher, we used to have a lot of kids come back from – they call – in

California, this is I think a California thing, they call juvenile detention centers camp. Okay. Oh, I didn't know that. That's fun. Yeah. It's like camp Nathaniel or whatever. Sure. So the kids come back from camp and if they're on house arrest, they have these anklets they

wear underneath pants. And I was like 22 when I was teaching and I didn't know about the anklets. And if you try to take them off, they make this noise to like alert you like, hey, you're jostling it too much. Be careful. Your parole officer is going to show up. So the kids in my English class would be like reading Romeo and Juliet or whatever. And if you kicked your ankles at the right angle, they would, like, it would beep. It would like, you know, in the middle of my classroom.

And the kids used to fuck with me all of the time. And I'd say, like, everyone put your hands in the air. And it would still be beeping. And I'm like, how are they pressing their cell phones? Like, it's illegal to confiscate phones in LAUSD. But I would, like, take all of their phones and think that I'd solved it. And then, so finally, some kid was like, no, it's a house arrest bracelet. We're kicking our ankle bracelets.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Those wacky kids. Those wacky kids coming back from Camp Nathaniel with their house arrest anklets. Well, Cogler, thank you so much for clarifying. Sorry about the hell which you now live in. If you have a call for us, why don't you place it at 206-984-4FUN, and maybe you'll hear yourself on the podcast.

We'll be back in just a second with more Jordan Jesse Go. Hi there. I'm comedian and movie buff Ricky Carmona, and I'm excited to tell you about a new show I'm doing called Who Shot Ya? Join me, LA Weekly film critic April Wolf. I'm going to call Star Wars when it comes out, the Clint Howard Project. Film reviews editor for The Wrap, Alonzo Durale. Everything Charlize Theron knows about killing somebody with a high-heeled shoe

she learned from single white female. Trust me. And our dope-ass friends each week. The stunt guys were asking me, like, do you need a stunt double in here for you to skate? I'm like, no, no, I was on skates at three. So if you're tired of whack opinions, and you're looking for a smart, funny film discussion show,

check out Who Shot Your Son. That's what we do. And you can find us at MaximumFun.org, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan Jesse Gale. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. The Short and Jesse Go, I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hanging with old Skaz Grizzle.

I'm trying to change it slightly every time. What's up, Skaz the Grr Man? And I'm Liz Scudlow, already hungover from my Smirnoff ice. Yeah, Jesus Christ. It's like a headache in a bottle. Call out of work the next two days. I had four zips. I highly recommend running a half marathon and then drinking Smirnoff Ice. Oh, yeah.

Watermelon mimosa. Sure. The malt beverage choice of marathon runners everywhere. Put on that tinfoil thing and then use it as a funnel for smear not vice um uh thank you guys so much for being on the program um absolutely uh now is the time in the show where we tell listeners uh some things they would want to know about you your online presence your upcoming projects uh liz do you have anything to tell us about at this time oh shit um no i mean no i'm i'm a television writer i have two pilots i have a comedy at

tbs currently and a drama at hulu sure but neither one of them has been officially greenlit so there's nothing that you can watch so listen just if you're out there make sure that hulu subscription stays paid up thank you if you used if If you lost a card that you used to pay for it, make sure you switch the card because sometimes, anyway. Take that auto-renew or let it lapse. I was going to say let it lapse for a little bit until your show is on, but then what if that affects the money that is not there to make the show? Just keep the Hulu subscription paid up.

Yeah, please. You're on the Twitter. People could follow you there if make the show. Just keep the Hulu subscriptions paid up. Yeah, please. You're on the Twitter. People could follow you there if they wanted to. Yes, I'm at Liz Scudlow. It's S-C-Z-U-D-L-O. I just kicked my mic. Yeah. Sorry, listeners.

Good thing it didn't set off your police ankle bracelet. That would have been very annoying for everyone. Do you remember the sound? Was it that? It was sort of like that. It was like a weird, it sounded like a cell phone. It was like... Yeah. Okay. It wasn sort of like that. It was like a weird, it sounded like a cell phone. It was like. Yeah.

Okay. It wasn't like an alarm. Nice. You're going to say maybe a cool sample idea for that upstairs rapper. Oh, the sound of a child's ankle bracelet going off. Next time you're making a beat. Maybe that's a fun thing they can do to, you know, just feel more like normal kids is find some way to personalize it. Ringtones.

Right? Get Crazy Frog on there. A voice sample from Anchorman or Old School. Or just that hook we love from Big Man Around Town. Big Man on the Block. Oh, yeah. Here I come. If a guy's like trying to like carefully sneak somewhere and not catch police attention and then like, okay, let me just –

Ah, big man on the line. Sirens. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The big man's here. He's coming. Scott Gerner, you have many hilarious viral videos people could check out via Funny or Die. I might suggest the Tiny Fuppets series. Oh, hey.

One of the weirdest. Oh, I've always appreciated that you enjoy Tiny Fuppets. Love those puppets. That's my favorite one to hear. South American Muppet Baby. Yes. Yeah. A Portuguese Muppet Baby equivalent who technically I brought it to America, but it was really

made by a Portuguese animator named Arturo Lima. And you can go to tinyfuppets.com and watch all their adventures. Yeah, Tiny Fuppets is out there. We also have something that I think our listeners would really like to check out. You have a new podcast about theme parks. Yes, the world of theme parks it's called podcast the ride uh and uh i'm having so much fun with it i'm very excited i haven't done a podcast before so that in and of itself is really fun and uh uh yeah it's myself and uh mike carlson and jason sheridan who were

two very funny uh ucb world improv folks and we we met within that sphere of like the LA comedy scene but also they are massive theme park dorks as am I, which I was shocked to find people who both do comedy and are like encyclopedic theme park nerds, like who we all went to the same, you know like blogs and sites that catalog

this stuff, we're both like we're all nerds to the degree like literally last night I was at the Smokehouse in Burbank. So good. I've never been to the Smokehouse.

Oh, we should do it sometime. I'm driving by it these days. Anyway. Ah, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful to look at.

Great inside. And Kiefer Sutherland is always there. Oh, what? Well, no, right now he's in Canada. Canada, filming Designated Survivor.

But when he's in Los Angeles. He's in Canada fucking the wives of guys who are on a desert island. On a sexual Airbnb tour. But yeah, fun fact. If he is not in Canada filming a designated survivor, he is at the Smokehouse buying everyone drinks. Oh, no kidding. Get there. My dad was just at that bar.

I wonder if he was with her. I wonder if he was bought a drink and didn't tell me. But anyway, I was at the smokehouse last night and we saw I saw from across the room a like pioneering Disney Imagineer. Probably was not a very like typically recognized person. I did not bother him. But I like I like this is how large like Imagineers loom for, that I can see them in crowded restaurants. It was my idea to send Mr. Toad to hell. And to teach those kids a lesson. My kid was killed by a drunk driver.

She's really saying he's your Nick Lachey. Yeah, I think so. I want to hear his covers album. Imagineer Tony Baxter's covers album. Anyways, but yeah, so we're all super obsessed in a very nerdy fashion about theme parks. So we try to do – we have a podcast now where we try to – I think it's kind of like dissecting theme park rides and theme parks in like a classic album kind of way. We want people to start being into theme parks in that kind of like completest cataloging way, like appreciating the art of it and the oddity of it.

And yeah, we've had so much fun going into this stuff. And yeah, people can check that out wherever they get their podcasts. That's correct. Yeah, iTunes, we do it through Feral Audio. They've been great. And, yeah, Podcast The Ride. And you can follow me at Scott Gerdner on Twitter,

and I'll post about those episodes and other stuff I got cooking up. And Skaz Gerd, no, Skiz Gerdner on Instagram. I don't think the handle is working out very well for you. No, and also, how is that spelled? I don't want to take your time to spell it on your podcast. Just go through the first couple. It's one of those. Also, just search my name, and you'll see the other name.

Yeah, check things out. Yeah, thank you very much for tuning in. You can discuss the show on Reddit, r slash MaxFun. Is that the maximum fun? MaxFun. MaxFun. There you Is that the maximum fun? Maxfun. Maxfun. There you go. Maximum fun there on Reddit.

Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. Leave us an iTunes review while you're at it. Gosh darn it, helps people find the show. I'm at Jordan underscore Morris on Twitter. Jesse Thorne back next week probably. Not if there's drinks. Yeah, exactly. Oh, this is now a malt beverage podcast. No, yeah, you can drinks. Yeah, exactly. Not if there's Smirnoff Ice.

Oh, this is now a malt beverage podcast. No, yeah, you can go fuck yourself, Jordan. That's what you would say. Thanks for listening. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye. Maximumfun.org.

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