Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 508: Wide Dumper with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: November 28, 2017

Fan favorite Chris Fairbanks joins Jordan and Jesse as they take a break from their usual electricity talk for a discussion of Chris's recent hip replacement, Jordan's new swim team, and the new video game taking up space in Jesse's brain.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, whether you want to become an electrician, an electrical engineer, An electrician, an electrical engineer, or an electrical generation expert, such as a power plant man. Jordan Jesse Goh is the podcast for you. If it's got current, we're current on it.

AC, DC, others? We'll discuss them. Actually, can I pitch you something sure i know that every week on this show we talk about uh electricity yeah i know our audience gets a charge out of it sure but what if this week we took the week off of talking about power lines. Yeah. AC, DC. Others? Others? Yeah.

Hard to say. Hard to say exactly. Turbines, certainly, is something we talk about a lot on the show. Wires. Transformers. Top 10 electricity-based comic book villains. Number one again, Electro. We like to reassess.

Yeah. You know, my favorite on that list is the controversial selection of Magneto based on the relationship between electricity and magnetic fields. Well, we got a lot of letters about that one. Yeah, we did. Well, we got a lot of letters about that one. Yeah, we did. But this week, I say, instead of doing that, we have a comedian here with us. Why don't we just take an hour or so, shoot the breeze, and see how it goes?

Abandoning our beloved electricity format? I'm shocked. But okay. Our guest on the program is a stand-up comic. He's a podcaster, one of the podcasters behind the Smash Hit podcast, Do You Need a Ride? He is wearing a hat that says Banks? Yeah. Chris Fairbanks.

Thank you. I actually have quit comedy and I've become an electrician. Oh, what if that was like, well, we're back in the saddle. Yeah. Yeah. But that's a nice career. I mean, people need electricity now more than ever. It was weird. My dad was always a funny person and an artist, but he also is handy in ways that I've never been.

But he also is handy in ways that I've never been, and he knew how to wire. He did the wiring in, I think, the house that he got after he and my mom divorced, and he got remarried. He got this house, and he redid the basement, and he did all the wiring and then moved out of that house later. And then I went to that house in college. There was, like, a party, and the entire basement had caught on flat fire. It was like black. It was charred like the house almost burnt down. And the fires, I went down there.

I'm like, wow, I used to sleep in this room when I stayed at my dad's. And the fires were coming directly from the fixtures. Right. Right onto the bed. Yeah. I don't, either I didn't have the heart to tell him or I was mean enough to tell him. I can't remember. I think I told him. I'm not a good son. For 15

or 20 years, the thought in your head was, oh, so new wires are good enough for his new family. Yeah, exactly. And then you found out the truth that he had sabotaged his new family. He actually took the wires out of our house and then used them in his new house. Sure.

She got the house, but I got the wires. The old classic divorce story. You thought he was just hooked on meth. Yeah, getting that copper. And he was selling the copper. Yeah, it's very valuable, apparently. How could copper be so valuable? Jordan.

Jordan. You're hooked on crank. Sure, yeah. And I often need to steal things from construction sites to feed my crank habit. Yeah. And, you know, when I'm poking around that construction site looking for something to yank, I'm like, it's copper or nothing, baby. Yeah. I ain't got time for, you know, other materials.

AC, DC. Don't make me choose. Well, maybe copper is just redeemable for crank. It's not. You don't actually. Yeah, it could be a crank. Maybe that's why it has. Like a crank system.

Yeah, sure. Oh, like the gold standard? Sure. Like all crank is backed by copper wiring? Well, I think I'm no crack cooker, but maybe copper is somehow involved. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's used in the production of crack. Yeah.

Wait, are we talking about crack or crank here? Oh. Don't make me choose. It's like choosing between AC and DC. Is there a difference between crack and crank? Crank is... Crank is crystal meth. Okay.

I think you're right. And then crack is... Crack cocaine. Crack. Sure. Which, you know, we've all done. Well, I mean, come on.

I mean, we could all talk about our amazing crack experiences, but why waste the audience's time? Because they've all done it. I'm just saying we've all been to a party

where someone said, this isn't the kind of coke that you snort. Sure. Right? Yeah. You're like, hey, you want to do some coke? And you plug one nostril instinctively. Right. Because you're, you know.

Right. You're like, I know the score here. Right. I know how this goes. And they're like, not so fast. And are you a cop? Because you just said, I know the score. Yeah.

And then all cars move in. You just said it to no one. I was just at the barbershop, and they had a display of this type of comb. Do you guys know this type of comb where it's shaped like a playing card with slightly rounder corners and about the size of a playing card. And you slip it over your finger. There's a loop on the back and you slip it over your finger and, you know, like do the – Oh, it's got little bristles. Yeah, it's got little bristles.

Well, it sounds like it's for a dog or a cat. No, this is for a person. This is for a person who says download too slow, basically. If you imagine the download too slow motion. Right, if you want to download too slow but also get a little actual combing in, you slip one of these babies over your fingers before you give that fake handshake. Yeah. And the design, they come on a card display you know like four across

and four down or something like that and there's a photo of a guy from the 80s with great hair yeah and the was long since dead this this card display this was a new card display was identical to the ones from my childhood. And I had this intensely vivid memory of the three things that I associated most with the corner store in my childhood. One was those displays, those displays of finger combs. One was St. I's malt liquor, which I was not purchasing. You're a Colt 45 man. Works every time. And one was these fake plastic roses in glass vases, like little finger vases, where what it actually is is a crack pipe. Oh, wow. You throw away the rose and you use actually is is a crack pipe. Oh, wow.

You throw away the rose and you use the thing as a crack pipe. Oh, wow. And those, and I mean, I guess now and later. Those are the four. I'm going to add now and later to the list. Yeah, yeah. But it was like such an intense rush of memory of those things to see this display and think just like some man in a factory in long island or something has been making these finger combs since 1977 1977 he hired a graphic designer to make his finger comb displays

yeah staple them to a cardboard you know the you know cardboard slab with a photo of a man who is long since dead. Yeah, he's just like, Frank Simpson, I'm the finger comb man. And he just travels the country going from corner store to corner store selling finger comb displays. Do you think he still does it on foot? I think he does. Goes door to door and then, you know, when he's tired, he has to sleep in the person's barn and fucks their wife. I think he may have a donkey cart by now, Chris. No, I think he's driving an old Studebaker.

I've been doing this 35 years and I've never shook a hand. Too slow. That's me. Too slow Simpson. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess that kind of falls apart a little bit if you're going to shake the guy's hand and you notice there's a comb on it. Yeah.

You're like, oh, this guy's either going to do it too slow and embarrass me or I'm going to get a handful of combs. Although. You don't want that. It would be nice to get that handful of comb if you're a chronic masturbator and you've got the hair on your palms. Sure, that's true. Because it gets disheveled. It can get very disheveled and you can't do it to yourself because you put the comb on there, and it's on top of the hairs. Yeah.

You can't get the business side. Well, you've got to moisturize your jerk-off hand hair. I'm sorry. I mean, a lot of guys think it's feminine to use moisturizer on their jerk-off hand hair, but I mean, it's just good hygiene. It is. I use a leave-in conditioner as well. Oh, that's nice. I'm a man, and I don't use shampoo.

I barely bathe. I'm such a man. I roll in filth. I'm sorry. Did I say I'm a man? I'm a hamster. A female hamster. So none of this tracks.

Anyway, time to sleep in a pile of urine-soaked wood chips. After soaking on this. It's me, Debbie the hamster. I'm giving birth to 12 hamster babies and eating four of them. Anyway, time to escape and die in the wall. It's me, Debbie

the hamster. Yet somehow he's streetwise. Yeah. Well, you know, head chin up, you know, I'm going to be the hamster. Yet somehow he's streetwise. Yeah. Well, you know, head chin up. You know, teeth out. If you need a makeshift crack pipe, just buy one of them roses. Yeah, I wanted to go back to that product. Yeah. How did they, did he just put them up and then wink at people when they said, what's with this rose?

I said, what's with this rose? I mean, I think it came in like a display, like a flat cardboard box, like four inches tall with an insert. You know, like the pick and pull insert on the inside of a camera box? Sure, sure. You know what I mean? Or like the foam at the bottom of a flower arrangement, like where it held them all up, you know? Sure, sure. Like pens, like pens at the... And, yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know even know... I don't even know if the store owner knows that's why he's selling them. It's like, for some reason, these go like hotcakes. Jittery men love these. Yeah, they love giving little flowers to their... Yeah, they're probably nervous because they're about... That's why they're so shaky. They're about to tell the woman... That they love giving little flowers. Yeah, they're probably nervous because they're about – that's why they're so shaky. They're about to tell the woman that they've been – yeah, that they're ready to commit.

So they come in and they're sweaty too because they're nervous. Yeah, I think if you are an inner city convenience store owner, there is just a broad variety of products that you sell in your store that have one purpose, that are for another purpose. And you can just be like, well, I'm a first-generation immigrant. So I'm going to focus my learning about the culture time on other parts that I don't suspect are going to pose a moral problem. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to worry about, like, oh, do Americans like two-in-one shampoo and conditioner? Right. Sure.

Spend my time learning about that aspect of the culture. What chips do they enjoy? Rather than why Americans like mango-flavored cigarettes so much. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? Or why do Americans love to have bath salts in all their baths, especially the skinny, scratchy Americans? Why do you need a bag for one beer? Yeah.

Why does one beer need a separate bag? Yeah. Why is this crooked eye juice? Isn't that what they – the St. Ives was called crooked eye juice. Was that just among my friends? I've never heard that. The logo on it was an eye that was like very salt and pepper-y. In your childhood drinking, did that include a lot of malt liquor?

Yes, it did. Maybe teenage drinking. It really did. No, yeah. I'm afraid into college, too. It was a lot of old English malt liquor. My wife brought up Arizona iced tea as well. When I mentioned this to my wife after this happened and I had this, it was like dominating my thoughts was things from convenience stores when I was 10.

My wife mentioned Arizona iced tea and it was like, oh, my God. Yeah, like a plum flavored Arizona iced tea was like the only drink they sold. Right. I remember getting really excited about New York seltzer. And I found it recently in tiny bottles in a health food store. Yeah, they brought that back. This is great. Seltzer mania sweeping the nation.

It was really sweet. Yes, it's a very sweet drink. It is a sweet, sweet seltzer. You're expecting something a little more toward a LaCroix, but then what you're getting is a, it's a Sprite. This is a Sprite. I did not finish it. It was that sweet. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. There should be a moment of silence after me saying that. It was that sweet. You could take that to the banks. And then you point to your hat that says banks. Will you drink a malt liquor from time to time and get wistful about

childhood and sitting on a couch out in the woods or whatever you do in Montana? I'm just laughing because I am wearing a hat that says banks. And it really fit with your joke. Because it's that on its own without the hat. Yeah. Sorry, what did you say about my wistful days? Will you drink a malt liquor from time to time?

No. I don't even enjoy beer that much. It makes me bloaty. Sure. Yeah. Nothing but copper and crack and moth for me. God, I'd love to have a nice wheel of copper right now. That would be amazing.

That would be gorgeous. God, I'd love to have a nice wheel of copper right now. That would be amazing. That would be gorgeous. God, I would be so fucked up. Or I'd make a speaker. Yeah, that would be nice too. Either way. Chris, we have some guests watching right now. We have Jenny who – Jen, Jenny, what do you prefer? Jen. Let's go jen uh donating money to kpcc and got the privilege of watching the show we were uh we were chatting before uh and chris she mentioned

the last time you were on the show you uh you talked about your hip matters. Oh, yes, yes. I think everybody remembers the podcast about the hip matters. Yes. Are you okay? How was the hip? I was pre-surgery at that point. Yeah. Yeah, I got the surgery.

They cut off my leg and put metal on it, and I feel great. That's fantastic. Yeah, the relief in the joint was immediate and it was sore for a while and I was on a walker and stuff but then I skipped the cane and just started walking around and the the thing the physical therapist came to my house from the hospital like I'd be laying in bed and they would force me to do these calisthenics while laying down every other day. And I

think that's why I've never had an injury like this where people always say, you gotta do the physical therapy. And I could imagine myself not have, you know, sticking with that the way I should, but I did and I feel great. And I think that's why

now I take bar classes where I'm the only dude. I'm surprised to hear that. That's sort of a jockey guy thing. You know, Chris, I was surprised recently when I was the only dude at Shelter Cat Yoga. I'm like, where are my boys at? There was a boy there yesterday, but he's just supporting his girlfriend. I invited some of my bros over to watch the Antiques Roadshow with me, and nobody showed. Hey, that I actually, I think I really enjoy Antiques Roadshow quite a bit.

But yeah, it's all little series. I feel so good afterwards. It's just little squats and little leg kicks, and there's a ballet bar, and you have to be kind of graceful. For the people not just listening and not watching, while he's talking about this, Chris is doing some jaunty bounces. Yes. And they are very cute. And it's kind of got some yoga, which everyone does now. Sure.

which everyone does now. But this is more difficult, and it's more core and hip-based, which I think everyone wants one of those, my ass is so round now. Sure. I was noticing that. It's almost spherical. It's interesting to see what, around L.A., something, you know, a phenomenon lately is,

what is going to go into the American apparel store that recently closed? There are the husks of American apparel went out of business. We all know there will be Spirit Halloween stores, right? Yeah. It's either a Spirit Halloween store, but the American apparel. You know, Spirit Halloween store is only a Band-Aid. It is not a cure. Right.

Exactly. Yeah. It didn't pull cure. No, sure. Exactly. Yeah. It didn't pull Blockbuster out of any trouble. Yeah. But it's interesting to see what goes in those kind of big cavernous stores. And the one in deep West Hollywood, I noticed, was empty for a long time but recently opened back up. And it's a store that only sells boxer briefs with butt enhancers. That's all this store sells is a boxer brief.

Butt enhancing boxer brief. With pads on them? To make your, yes. So you put on the boxer briefs and you slip a pants over. People don't know that you don't have a natural apple bottom. What? Yes. And then you get naked and they're like, boy, I'm disappointed in your ass.

Yeah, sure. The sex stops here. I'm out of here. Yeah, that's, I mean, honestly. What is an ideal butt for a man in West Hollywood? Is it bubble butt? Is it a bubble nature butt? Is it a wide butt?

Is it a rounded butt? Because I'm, and I'm no butt man, but every once in a while you see a man that has like a big, big butt and it's like, wow, that looks worse on a man than on a lady. That's a good point. That's what I'm thinking. Normal, I'm talking normal, like imagine muscular torso. Yeah. Striations.

And then just this big old wide dumper. It's like, oh, man, you got to live in the woods. You're oh man you gotta live in the woods you're gonna have to live in the woods the only solution go live in the woods he's a nice guy he's handsome he's got a good job i mean i guess i can't speak to the you know specific west hollywood contingent right but i mean in general it seems like the butt is having a moment. Sure. A cultural moment. Sure.

Butts are back, baby. Butts are back. They're in back. And they are back. And hopefully baby got it because. That's a long bumper sticker. My anaconda has very specific requirements. And it involves your bun ton. about first sticker yeah that's a very

please someone make that long bumper sticker it's just like i will put it on my car it's smaller and smaller and text like an eye exam yeah um yeah so i mean i don't know i don't know i guess i guess i guess a prominent behind is in i think to the point where people are enhancing it with special boxer briefs. I think with men and ladies, because either way, I'm going to go, wow, that person has a nice round butt. I would not, just because it's a man, go, oh, man, he's got a gross, nice round butt. Oh, ew, look at that delectable bottom. Me noticing it changes my whole life. What I'm admitting is I notice nice men's asses.

Sure. Boys, right? Yeah. Sure. Listen, a nice ass is a nice ass. That's right. Yeah. You can take it from me, female hamster.

Oh, you beat me to it. My teeth never stop growing. I got to chew. Here is my thought about it. Maybe it's just about desiring to have a prominent body part. Just some distinctiveness. Right. A prominent body part. Just some distinctiveness. Right.

If I think of my own body, it's so wholly unremarkable in every area. Like my friend and colleague, John Hodgman, host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. He portrays the character Judge John Hodgman. He's quite proud and very reasonably so of his handsome and athletic calves. I've noticed them without him bringing it up even. Yeah. He's got amazing lower legs. Yeah, he does.

And it is funny that, you know, given his aesthetic, which is famous, I mean, professorial, I think we would call it. Sure. That, you know, in addition to the kind of the corduroy blazers and the knit ties, he's just always in those jorts. Yeah. And it's because you want to show off the calves. But I have no – my arms are thin but not remarkably so. I'm slightly overweight but not distinctively so. I have a – let's call it a 40th percentile penis.

Like, I am really unremarkable. You're very tall. I'm tall. You're very tall. That's true. I am tall. Yeah. But I'm not Steve Agee tall.

Mm-hmm. You know, I'm not. You're upper man tall, though. I think you're noticeably tall. So I think you have a very distinct thing. Yeah, there's yours. Because you have curly hair that everyone wants to touch.

Attractive hair. Jordan doesn't bring it up a lot, but he's got a big old dick on him. Thank you for... I've seen you bring it up or almost pull it out. Oh, I thought that's what we were talking about. We were saying it's smoking crank. Oh boy, I was talking about... I've seen Jordan bring it up or almost pull it out. Oh, I thought that's what we were talking about. We were saying it's smoke and crank. Oh, boy, I was talking about. I've seen Jordan backed into a corner.

Like someone jokingly once when we are at Fuel, they're like, yeah, that's because I got a bigger dick than him. And then you're like, oh, I'll pull it out right now, motherfucker. Like he got all mad. So when you say backed into a corner, I mean the tiniest door opened. Yes, yes. Yeah. And then someone said penis near me. Yeah.

Well, I can understand that. But I think if you have an otherwise unremarkable physique, it might not be so much about achieving the perfect butt. Right. Because everyone has a different definition of that. Sure. Just having a significant enough butt. Right. That people would be like, well, get a load of that. Yeah. a significant enough butt that people would be like, well, get

a load of that. Yeah. Take a look at that. As you said, dumper. Yeah. I do. So eloquently put it. I actually get it.

I say turd cutter. That's just me. That's just me. This is a stupid show. I say toilet duster. I get mad when a man has no butt at all. I actually won't speak to him. Really?

You consider him inferior. Below you. I'm the opposite of Hodgman where I have no matter what, my calves, they just don't exist. So even as a kid, I didn't like to wear shorts. I'm surprised to hear that because you're an athletic man. I mean, one of the reasons that you have had hip trouble is because of a lifetime of extreme athletics. That's what they told me. The doctor was very impressed with how I had zero cartilage in my hip.

Once he took it out, he's like, it was really, really bad. He was like, you're a reverse shark. You're a reverse shark. You're a ridiculous. Well, he did say after the surgery, he said, you are pretty much, you have like birth defect level hip problems. Oh, wow. It's not just what you've done. You just, we got to do the other one.

So I'm ready for that. I don't care. I'll do that shit. When you had your, we had a very fun experience kind of soon after you had your – Oh, yeah. That was early. Yeah. Yeah. You were still not the most mobile.

Right. And we went to see Elvis Costello at the Greek. That was great. And because you were limping, we got to ride a special elevator to our seats. And it was a really funny elevator that only brought us up to a level where we then were forced to use stairs to get to our seats. We got to skip – I don't know if anybody's ever been to the Greek Theater, but it's a bowl-type concert venue. And the cheaper your seats get, the kind of higher up you have to climb in this thing. And there was a handicap elevator, but it only skips a third of the stairs.

You still have to walk up some stairs. Yeah. Yeah. And it was so comedically slow. I actually have a video of it that I will show you when we're done. But I pushed it and then I just started laughing because it went deleted scene from an Austin Powers movie. Slow. Yeah.

Like very slow. It was. You were healed by the time we got up. You had a long beard. Yeah, I was a skeleton with a long beard. But that was very fun to ride the special elevator. Yeah, yeah. And then watch some contemporary hits by Elvis.

Sure. Do you... And oldies. Some of his latest hits, like the smash hits from his collaborative album with The Ro Elvis. Sure. Do you... And oldies. Some of his latest hits, like the smash hits from his collaborative album with The Roots. Sure. Now we'll get to the unlistenable portion of this concert.

Who wants to hear some of my smash hits from my Sundance Channel talk show spectacle? Right, yeah. IFC, maybe it was on IFC. I think. One of those. One of those. He did a lot of collabs with DJs at the.

Sure. No, he didn't. It just took him a while to get to the early stuff. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, DJ Q-Bert. He has a vast catalog. Vast catalog. But I was in pain sitting there.

I was like trying to enjoy it. But yeah, that was early. And then right after that, I went to Canada for a comedy festival in my walker, which made the – when you have a walker, they kind of just let you go through. And I could rest my bag on it. And I'm like, this isn't that bad. But getting on and off stage and trying to ice it. I was icing, this isn't that bad. But getting on and off stage and trying to ice it. I was icing it

while doing shows. It was too early. Did you go on stage with the walker? Did you have to talk about the walker? That's why I didn't. Because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really have jokes about it. I would painfully

get on stage and then try and talk about it. So I might as well have had the walker. But I don't know. I've had injuries before and it never helps with stand-up. It's just distracting. You would think it would help. Like, well, there was times when I had a separated shoulder and they're like,

oh, he's probably in pain. I might laugh a little harder. Like you get. A little sympathy laugh. I don't want those false sympathy laughs. I know what they sound like. I can differentiate with real laughs. I don't need that shit.

They're worse laughs. I don't need your charity handouts. Do you think you'll still keep doing bar exercises even after you're healed? Yes. You've taken two. That's the thing that I did not expect at all. I paid for a 30-day trial, and now I have committed to an out-of-my-bank-account-every-month membership. Nice.

Because I love bar method. Have I talked about it? You're doing toe tapping or? It's a lot. The toes are important. I'm glad you brought them up. I feel like there's nothing more humiliating. I remember in middle school, you had to be either on the sports team or you had to take aerobics class with Callie. And the thing was,

was I lived 30 miles or 20 miles from my middle school. My parents didn't have a car, so I couldn't be on the sports team because I couldn't get to the games. So I got kicked off the sports team. I was on the volleyball team or something. I got kicked off that and into aerobics class with Callie. Callie was very nice, but there's this thing where they make you basically just point your toe a lot of times. Like you're just standing there pointing your toe and rhythm to the music

and it's literally the easiest exercise in the world until you've done it nine times and then you feel like you're going to die. Like, you can't... I can't understand how anything could seem so easy and be so humiliatingly difficult.

If someone peeked their head in while I was in bar class and just saw a moment of me basically with my leg extended behind me, keeping it straight, toes pointed, and one-inch movements. That's most of it. Everything that we do in there is not remarkable on its own, but you do it for a full minute, and I'm shaking and dripping sweat. That's the weird thing.

I could run on a treadmill or swim forever. I don't know if I'm sweating when I'm swimming. It's like do sharks salivate? It's like the drinking a half gallon of milk of exercises. You're like, well, sure. I can drink a glass of milk. I can drink half a gallon of milk. But your stomach just can't hold that much toe touching.

Sure. Exactly. The lactic acid. Yeah. My eyes can handle too much toe touching more than my stomach. You know what I was trying to say. Sure. Exactly. The lactic acid. Yeah. My eyes can handle too much toe touching more than my stomach. You know what I was

trying to say. Yeah, sure. I recently joined a swim team. Oh, really? Yeah. Up at the Verdugo Aquatic Center.

Great. Is there a nicer aquatic center in the L.A. area? I'm saying no. It's one of my favorites. It's no Culver City Municipal Plunge, but.

And it's no, before my surgery, in an effort to avoid it, I went to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center. Oh. Yeah. I've never been to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center. Big banners, like big long vertical banners, you know, that Hitler used. Sure, to advertise his aquatic center. Yes, yes. He's a hell of a swimmer.

But she, yeah. Like a penguin, awkward on land, but elegant in the water. Their furor. And then it was big banners. You know, Hitler made it for life. Built a little nest. But they were big banners of her in swimsuits, Elizabeth. And then I asked, because I was going to therapy there with a bunch of old folks,

and I asked them, did Elizabeth Taylor swim? She's like, no, no. She just funded this aquatic center that was like a therapy. It was a tax shelter for Elizabeth Taylor. Everything I hear about Elizabeth Taylor, she was a real cool person. She says aquatic centers have always brought me luck. I have always depended on the kindness of swimmers. I think someone said, yeah, some of these old people.

I don't know. No, that was the famous. Yeah. I think it was her or Amelia Earhart. Yeah, I think some of these old people. I don't know. Yeah. No, that was the famous. Yeah. I think it was her or Amelia Earhart. Yeah, I think it's Amelia Earhart. It's possible it was Joan of Arc. Oh, there we go. I always confuse those two.

So, Jordan, what kind of swim team is this? So, this is, I was thinking. Do you get snacks afterwards? I was thinking, here, we get a little baggie of oranges from the team dad. No, yeah, you don't want to go into the water with a bunch of citrus in your belly. Get the pens. I was thinking I would do, I was like, I like swimming. I wonder if there's a social version of this or a group version of this, you know?

And I asked our buddy, Andy Wood, because I know he swims. A lot, yeah. And I'm like, hey, do you, you know, he's the swimmin' comedy guy. Yeah. That's his thing. Yeah. Well, Toots Shore gave him that thing. The first time he walked into the-

Oh, boy, I don't understand this reference. What's- Toots Shore. Who's that? Toots Shore. I want a yes and you, but- What's the woman called? Oh, Mitzi Shore? Mitzi Shore. I want a yes and you, but... What's the woman called? Oh, Mitzi Shore?

Mitzi Shore. Thank you. Okay. Oh, right. The famous owner of the... It's funny, I don't get references all the time with you guys, but I don't have the balls to announce that I don't know it. I mean, I think there's like, sometimes I'm like, well, I can kind of like fake my way

through this. I know kind of what you're talking about, but Toots Shore was just so far away from anything. Mitzi Shore. Mitzi anything. Mitzi Shore. Mitzi Shore, when you walk into the, what is it, the comedy store? Sure. And when you walk into the comedy store, Mitzi Shore says, you're the swimming comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Awkward on land, but elegant underwater. Sure. And so, you know, he's like, oh, yeah, I do this swim team. You should come sometime. And, you know, I'm like, hey, well, he's a he's a comedy guy. And, you know, this is so it's you know, and I'm a I'm a pretty I'm a pretty strong swimmer. I'm not a super fit guy, but I you know, I've been swimming a long time and I I know my strokes. And, you know, I had to keep I know how to keep long in the water.

I didn't know that. I really only know one stroke. Which one? Masturbation. Cool. Cool, man. Hey, dude. Cool. the water i didn't know that i really only know one stroke which one masturbation cool man hey dude cool you got a jacket uh and then so i go to the i go to the verdugo aquatic center uh and uh and i'm like oh i've never seen andy woodwith out his shirt on and he's fucking jacked yeah and i'm like oh man yeah this is like this is a whole thing like this is this is a swimming crossfit where a leathery man with terrible tattoos yells at you while you swim and it fucking rules it's really fun his team yeah i'm yeah i mean i'm i am the slowest guy in the slowest lane by, you know in a place where you know you could physically dominate anyone else.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I am no stranger to swimming in the therapy lane. It's where old Russian women go to soak their hips. I was swimming a lot before surgery, and I go occasionally now, but it was me always with older ladies who really don't care about taking their Band-Aids off before they get in the pool. They just let them float to the top. They're real punk rock about it. I don't really know how to swim. I mean, I know how to swim in the sense that I would not die.

I didn't either. I bought a snorkel. I bought a freestyle snorkel that goes up the middle. I got't either. I bought a snorkel. I bought a freestyle snorkel that goes up the middle. I got flippers. I look like a real dork, but I was doing it for therapy reasons. But then as I started getting the hang of it, I was like, wait, I enjoy this.

It's almost like meditative. I relax while I'm doing it. Even though I'm... Yeah, it is a nice kind of exercise to get your thoughts together because there is a kind of autopilot that goes on with that lap swimming. Which I thought would be boredom. Yeah, no. But it's not boring.

Yeah, it's meditative. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke. Yeah, you have to pay attention to the rhythm of it. Should I get back in touch with my dad? You know. Right. Stroke, stroke, breathe, dad. Stroke,

stroke, breathe, dad. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners. It's Jesse. We're supported this week not only by you and everybody who goes to MaximumFun.org slash donate, but also by our pals from Bespoke Post. It's a subscription club that sends you themed boxes. There are all kinds of themes, grooming themes, cooking themes, travel themes. And inside each box, it's like a magical treasure area of surprising products and wonderful products. We got one that was a dop kit that was full of really sweet face and body products, some super fancy toothpaste

and that kind of thing. We got travel. We got like a weekender bag that was really fantastic. I got one with a pasta maker inside it and everything that I needed to make pasta. Every first of the month, basically, you go to your mailbox, you bring this box into your house, and you get a magical surprise inside. And once you get it, you've got five days to decide whether to keep it. You can always send it back. Every subscription box is only $45 and it's got more than $70 worth of stuff in it.

To receive 20% off your first subscription box, go to bespokepost.com, enter the promo code JJGO at checkout for 20% off your first box at bespokepost.com. Promo code JJGO. Bespoke Post themed boxes for guys that give a damn. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Blue Apron. You know what they say at Blue Apron? Let me at them cakes. At Blue Apron.

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Let me at them cakes. And hey, Jordan, Jesse Go listeners, if you want to meet me and check out MaxFun HQ, we are having our annual in-person Put This On Shop sale. So if you live in Los Angeles, come visit us on Sunday, December 10th from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. at 2404 Wilshire in Los Angeles. We'll have all kinds of special deals on stuff from the Put This On Shop. I'll be there. Dan will be there, the Put This On Shop assistant. You'll be quite starstruck to meet him. It's a really great time. We've got all kinds of vintage stuff, so you will find the perfect gift for someone in your family. We will have

incredible discounts on our new handmade stuff, like our scarves and particularly our pocket squares. So come stop by on Sunday, December 10th. And remember, if you don't live in Los Angeles, you can always go to PutThisOnShop.com and use the code TUPPIES for free shipping for all Jordan Jesse Go listeners.

So that's PutThisOnShop.com or live in person on Sunday, December 10th from 11 to 6 at 2404 Wilshire in Los Angeles. Do not go to Santa Monica. Go to Los Angeles. We'll see you then. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Chris Fairbanks, today's guest.

Chris, it's very nice to see you. It's great to see you too, Jesse. Always glad to have Chris Fairbanks here, you know? One of the best. Real murderer's row. The best? Maybe. Could be the best.

Could be the best. I mean, sorry, Nick Adams. Yeah. Later for you, Karen Kilgariff. Sure. Fairbanks rules. That's right. You all drools.

When something momentous happens to you, like you, I don't know, get a special snorkel, what is that kind of snorkel called? It's a freestyle swim snorkel and there is a signature on it of a famous swimmer.

Really? It's a training snorkel. John Snorkel. John Snorkel Williams. You're supposed to put a cap on it to make the – you can adjust the size of the hole you're breathing through to then work on your lung capacity. Sure. But I don't use that. I just use it as a snorkel.

And it also has like a little sort of hat type thing on it to keep rain and birds from getting in. Mine just has a cocktail umbrella that I put on top. That's fun. That's nice. Five o'clock somewhere, right? Isn't that your least favorite thing about swimming, though, is wrenching your neck up to breathe? I just stationary head.

I'm always looking down perfectly symmetrical. Yeah, they do lung capacity things where you're supposed to swim underwater, and I can't stand it. I'm just so I'm just so like, I've like learned how to do that swim rhythm so well. Like any interruption to it, I'm like,

what the fuck? I'm gonna drown. Right, right. Oh, wow. It's supposed to be done this way. It's kind of just like autopilot at this point. Yeah, I never got to that point. I was just naturally gifted with a swimmer's body. Sure. Lean. Well, very buoyant.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. So you don't sink. Primarily. It's because I eat a lot of salt. Oh, good. I'm sort of the dead sea of people.

I'm also almost dead. No, you're doing nearly dead. Is that why horses lick you? Yeah Not to mention hamsters Sure Just give me a lick, baby It's me, the female hamster

We've done this voice a lot on the show For various things I'm a variety of characters In the Jordan-Jesse-Go-iverse And that voice didn't come up I'm a variety of characters in the Jordan-Jesse-Go-iverse. Sure. And that voice didn't come up until after we were done with electricians. Isn't that curious? Yeah. That would have been a great electrician voice.

It sure would. It's fun to use that voice when it's someone that it shouldn't belong to. Like a cute little hamster. Like a lady hamster. That is fun. Or like a hummingbird. Like a lady hamster. Like a lady hamster. That is fun. Yeah, or like a hummingbird. Hey, it's me. I'll be at the nectar.

I fly around after I die. Real quick, quick movements. Where's that sugar water? Yeah. Your grandma can stare at me. Hey, cats, I bet I'm easy to catch. Cha-cha. Joke's on you, I'm fast as shit.

Flying backwards? Why didn't you say so? Sometimes I look at other birds and I'm like, look at this guy. He's not even iridescent. Hey, everyone, get a load of slow wings over here, I say to other birds often. I bet when he dies, he falls immediately. Ha-cha-cha! Goodbye, my

Coney Island baby! Wow! He's a song and dance man as well. Song and dance woman. Female hummingbird. That's a very misleading voice. Song and dance woman.

You're looking skinny. Have a chicken parmesan. Now we know he has an Italian background. Yeah. He's not just from the city. Children of immigrants. Italian-American. Italian-American. Very proud.

Yeah. Of her heritage. When something momentous happens to you, like you find that perfect bird feeder, we ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The telephone number, 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

I'm just calling to let you know that today is the second day in a row that I've found money on the ground, making my total between the two days $51. Not too bad. It was 50 and 1, wasn't it? Yeah, right, a $50 bill and a $1 bill. Yeah, I wonder what the – I would love to know what that breakdown was. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of different breakdowns.

I mean, it could have been 46 and 5. I mean, it's always a thrill to find cash on the ground. Oh, yeah. But now people are carrying cash less because everything's automated these days. Right. Nobody reads. Yeah. Netflix and chill.

Am I right? Yeah. But, yeah. So I feel like I – when was the last time you guys found any cash on the grounds? You know what? We were talking about Tig before the show. When I was Tig's roommate and I brought her to the airport, I'll never forget it. And I'm still kind of sore.

I was like getting her bags out of my trunk. And then I looked down and there was a – boy, if it wasn't a 20, it was a 50 or I think it was a 20. It could have been a $100 bill. Who knows? I saw it. There's so many denominations these days. Honestly, there's no way of knowing. Yeah.

You got to take it to the bank and see what they say. Yeah. Can you read this for me? It was in 2014. Oh, right. I thought you meant my history. But I saw it, and I was like, wow, look at that. And then she's like, sweet.

And she put it in her pocket and I sent her bags down and she got on her plane. Wow. But I saw it first. Wow. But that was before her brush with death. That really changed her. And just we were both really poor, I think. Sure.

Well, now we'd be like, hey, let's – Do you think she should give you that 50 back now that she's got some Amazon Prime money? I wanted to publicly say, you owe me half of 20 or maybe 50 or maybe $100. You know what? Who can be sure? I'd give her some time to respond. Maybe to the count of one Mississippi. Am I right?

Sure. Her hit television show on Amazon Prime. That's the one. Thank you for your transparency, Jesse. I was a real man in the high castle. You're welcome, the team. Sure. Bosch you very much.

Bosch you very much. What is that? That's a show on Amazon Prime. It's about Bosch. Did I tell you I met a guy from Bosch? No. Yeah, I met a guy from Bosch? No. Yeah, I met a guy from Bosch. It was really exciting.

I told him, I'm like, I have to be frank with you. I've heard great things about Bosch. I haven't yet had the opportunity to see Bosch. However, I think and talk about Bosch a lot. Sure. It is, after all, called Bosch. Did he look at you like, I can't tell if this guy's making fun of me or not? Yeah, and then I was like, can we just talk about The Wire?

Because you were on that, too, and I really like that. Yeah. Bosch from the TV show Bosch. I understand that desire to find things because I have spent almost all of my free time in the last month playing a video game called Starman Farm Game. You know what the title of the game you've been playing is. Don't play that. Say I'll tell you. You've told me about the name.

You know the name. I think it's called Starman Farm Game. You know the name of the game. I think the game is called Starman Farm Game. You know the name of the game. I think the game is called Starman Farm Game. Yes. You've told me you know the name. I'm a little man. Sure.

In the game, I'm a little man with a shock of hair. Uh-huh. And I have my own farm. Yes. And I gather fruits. And I defeat foes in a dungeon. And I bring gifts to townspeople. At what point do you become a star man? I can't tell where the star enters into it.

Yeah. And I just learned yesterday, first of all, on this game, this game, I want to be clear about this game. It's not fun. it's not a fun game like i would say it's distinguishing characteristic is that it is not fun and it tricks you into playing it i'm always it's so it's it now occupies i'm'm going to say, 20% of my mental capacity. Yeah.

No, it's funny. Over the past couple of years or 10 years or so, the idea of what a video game is has really expanded. Like the games we played when we were kids, there's a level game where you kill bad guys and then kill the boss. Or there was a sports game where you played a simulated version of a sport. Go ahead and kick a touchdown. Sure. But yeah, now there are story games and there are simulations and there are visual novels. Yeah.

This, I think, is probably not so much a visual novel as a compulsive obsession. Sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, a soothing activity for someone with demons. Yeah. That is really like the, and I just learned that if there's three plants sticking out of the ground, you can hit it with your hoe and you might find a lost book. And now it's all I can think about is finding lost books. Where's them lost books?

Again, I don't care about any of it. I keep thinking I should delete this from, it's like the plot of a horror movie. I don't want it. It's not nice to look at. It's not nice to listen to. Nothing interesting happens. Nothing interesting happens. But here I am fucking fishing for ghost fish in a cavern by just pressing one button over and over.

And I got real proud of how good I was at catching these video fish. Sure. And this has no meaning. Right. It's barely a skill. It's the lowest level of skill. Yeah. I cannot get in with anything that is an expanded definition of what a video game is. I'm glad they exist. I think it's cool that people are taking new chances with the medium.

But, yeah, none of this shit sounds fun to me. It's funny because the whole time my hip has bothered me. I've missed skateboarding. I really think about skateboarding all the time. I like to do it, but I haven't been able to yet. Maybe in a few months. I can roll around, but I can't do tricks. I found a game that with your fingers, you really have to swipe.

Use one finger as your back foot and one as the front foot. So it's a bird's eye view kind of at an angle of a skateboard, and there's little shoes on it. Like a hummingbird's eye view. Yes, yes. That's what I see when I'm flying around. What are you skateboarding? I like to stay kind of close to the ground, not all the way above.

I'm looking for flowers here. And there is a skill to it, and I did have to get good at it. And there's different skate parks in Los Angeles programmed into the game, so it occupies my... I'm like, oh, I miss going to Stoner Park, which was kind of by where we were at Fuel.

I think I'm having an asthma attack. Anyway, it really occupied that. I would play that, and I'm like, oh, I feel like I sort of skateboarded. But at the end of the day, one of the things about the Starman Farm game is they have a clock on it. So every time you start, it shows you what day it is inside the video game, and then it shows you how long you've played the video game. And I've played this video game for 24 hours. Oh, wow. And for no reason.

Yeah, I don't like the keeping track of how much game you've done. I think that's... Oh, yeah, that would only be depressing for anyone. It's like a taunt. Yeah, sure. It's like a fuck you. I tricked you into wasting a day of your life on this.

Yeah, they should also have how much time you've spent walking or reading. Underneath it should say how much time I've spent interacting with my children, my three children. How much sex could you have had?

Yeah, I think there is a, I think younger gamers, millennial types, take – I call them Generation Next. Sure. Well, it's just because you love Pepsi. Right. And I think there is a generation of kids who take a lot of pride in how much time they spend on a game and judge a game's worth based on how much time you can spend in it.

And I think it has something to do with value or whatever. Our friend Christian Duenas, who is a young person, colleague here at Maximum Fun, he's got a system. He's basically got a spreadsheet inside his head. God forbid he should make a spreadsheet in real life at the office. Yeah, I hear that. I'd set that around the water cooler right over there. However, he's got a spreadsheet inside his head.

He's like, oh, I don't spend enough hours on that to spend $10 on it or whatever. Right. Yeah. I haven't done anything in this fucking video game. I plant fruit trees. Don't forget about the ghost fish you caught in the cabin. I did catch a ghost fish. I was very proud of that.

I made a lot of donations to the museum. That's nice of you. You support the arts. I gathered some ice berries. But yeah, I don't know. I like to be done with the game. I beat the new Zelda game recently. And even after you defeat Ganon.

Yeah. Rich Ganon? The Raiders quarterback? No, I'm talking about, of course, Calam defeat Ganon. Yeah. Rich Ganon, the Raiders quarterback? No, I'm talking about, of course, Calamity Ganon. And then, spoiler alert. Rich Ganon, the Raiders quarterback. Yes, who then transforms. He's like, yeah, take the West Coast offense.

And then he'll transform, of course, into Dark Beast Ganon. Sorry. Spoiler alert. Then into Beast Mode Ganon. Then into Beast Mode Ganon. Marshawn Lynch, the Raiders running back. And then to Joe Montana. He tries to sell you some butt shoes.

Joe Montana's Sports Talk Zelda? Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, it was real speech. And there's so much Zelda shit you can do after you beat Dark Beast Ganon. Can I interrupt you just for one second? Yeah. If you're listening to this right now and you're the kind of nerd that likes to make things

and you're not working on Joe Montana'sana sports talk zelda right now yeah just what's your problem yeah well you you might as well you you might as well just give up on calling yourself a nerd forever yeah um and yeah there's so much zelda shit you can do but yeah i feel like once i beat that last guy i i nothing compels me to go around and collect the additional stuff. I don't get it. I've never been that kind of video game guy. Video games have a list of things now. Every video game has like a list of everything that's in the game.

And I'm like, I'm supposed to look at this list of things and be like, oh, God, I got to grab that controller and wander around until i find all of those i didn't understand the pokemon thing of my girlfriend at the time was like if going outside and like fine collecting pokemon go sure yeah just out of boredom and or as a joke haha this is for kids but was getting passionate about fine i have not found this half shrimp half beetle or whatever. It's called Rube Marquardt. Oh, of course. Sorry. And then keeping track of which ones and where they are and to the point where it was like time to drive to a fountain because it was on the map. Yeah.

It's crazy to me. Does the skateboarding app game have a reward system or is it purely – It is – yeah, I wish it did actually. I wish I could skate against other people and like match their tricks or – Yeah. Because I remember that was the deal with the Tony Hawk games. It's kind of once you got through the level, you could go back and play it and then check off a checklist. Yeah.

If you grind on this dinosaur skeleton. Right. I think that, oh, there was, I did that right away. It's like, do all these tricks and I figured that out. And you unlock a new Goldfinger song. Right, right, right. Which I think is the ultimate goal of any Tony Hawk game. Anyway.

It might have been a hieroglyphic song. Could have been an Ozomotley song. Oh, an Ozomotley song. Suicidal tendencies. Let's leave it at that. I think Ozomatli song is the perfect example. Yeah, sure. Like a second or third album Ozomatli song.

Post-cut chemist Ozomatli song. God, they really were huge. I didn't get it, though. It was fun. I didn't. That's one thing I didn't get. Went to a few Ozomatli concerts. They would play their instruments, come out through the show.

Yeah, it was really fun. Good work, Ozomatli. I mean, I can appreciate the show. Yeah, it was really fun. Good work, Ozo Motley. I mean, I can appreciate the musicianship of a band, like even Dave Matthews' band. But I can hate it the way it sounds. I wish you the best. Yeah. Well, let's take one more call.

Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Gus. I heard you wanted to hear from women, so I thought I'd tell you something that happened this week to me. I brought my five-month-old daughter to work with me, and I had to make a presentation to my manager, the owner of the business, and every single one of my coworkers. She got hungry while I was presenting, so I popped her on the boom right while I was talking to everybody. Anyway, thanks very much. Bye. That's fucking dope. I popped her on the boom right while I was talking to everybody uh anyway thanks very much bye that's fucking dope yeah that's great

yeah what a badass move yeah I uh I wonder where she works I have to know more yeah if it was like

a high rise you know New York lawyer firm you mean like from the from the beginning of a late 1980s comedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Everybody's got blazers with big shoulder pads. Yeah. The cartooning office from Caroline in the City. You know, one of those cartooning offices. Yeah. She's like, my cranky artist thought it was weird when I started feeding my child. Yeah. Caller, you didn't tell us which character from Just Shoot Me you are.

Yeah. Are you David Spade? Yeah. Or others who were on that show? Yes, yes. I'm Taya Leone from The Naked Truth. Sure. Classic.

Classic must-see TV. And every other television show. Remember when you couldn't make it, like, the only rule for making a television show was you had to have Tay Leoni in it? Oh, yeah. Tay Leoni popped up on my TV recently. I'm like, hey, there she is. Tay Leoni.

Something on CBS. Still pretty good. Sure. You know? Good work. Good enough work. Tay Leoni. Hey, wasn't news radio good?

Yes. Yeah. I mean, because Joe Rogan was on it, and he was like a kid. Yeah. Good work. Good enough work. Hey, wasn't his radio good? Yes. Yeah. I mean, because Joe Rogan was on it and he was like a kid. Yeah. A not jacked kid. Yeah. I mean, he was pretty jacked.

Was he still jacked at the time? Steven Root? Yeah, he was like, I don't know. He was more jacked. He looked like a Joey from Friends type guy. But the cast was more jacked. He looked like a Joey from Friends type guy. Yeah. But the cast was just... Was her baby in the call? I think I heard some baby. So she called right after that happened.

Yeah. Because she gets it. That was a good call. Yeah, she fucking gets it. This woman understands what we're doing on this show. Yeah. People calling in, they don't know what we're doing. This lady is on target. Clearly knows what we're doing. This lady is on target.

Clearly knows what we're doing. This lady's aim is true. Mm-hmm. Like Elvis Costello at the Greek Theater. Sure. Do you prefer with the Burt Bacharach on piano? Do you prefer the call to be coming in right after it just happened? Ideally.

Oh, yeah? That's ideal. Yeah. I mean, ideal is it's happening, The call is happening right after it just happened. Right. And the call is coming from inside the house. Right. Yeah.

And both the elements were there because the baby was there. Yeah. She was still at work. Yeah. 206-984-4FUN, our number. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back on Jordan. Yes, you go. Yeah, Mark.

Hey, buddy. Oh, hey, what's up, man? So I'm at this mafia restaurant. What? I'm going to go in and ask these guys what they think the best pasta shape is. Mark, they're probably eating. I have a hunch that it's probably ravioli. But, I mean, you know what? That's a good idea.

Whatever they're eating, I'll just take a look in their bowls. Why don't you? And see what they have. There's supposed to be a big meeting there today. Can you see it from the street? That sounds really dangerous. I'm just going to go inside and ask. Don't bother them.

They're probably eating, you know. Look, I'm not threatened by them. How about we tell them what the best pasta is on our podcast? We got this go inside and ask. Don't bother them. They're probably eating, you know. Look, I'm not threatened by them. How about we tell them what the best pasta is on our podcast? We got this with Mark and Hal. Oh, that's a great idea. Thank God. Tuesdays at 9? On MaximumFun.org.

Hey, I love that show. Hi, everybody. I'm love, love, love. 99% miserable Oh f*** Just listen to my brother My brother and me On MaximumFun.org There you go Perfect Perfect Thank you It's Jordan Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chris Fairmanx. I'm today's guest. Well, what a joy it's been to talk to the great Chris Fairmanx. Oh, thanks. You know, Jen won this KPCC auction at the Pasadena City College radio station, KPCC. I wish she could actually see us.

Yeah. She can kind of see us through the window. She can make out our general forms, kind of tell how tall everybody is. And I'm thrilled. I had this moment. KPCC has an annual auction. This is the Los Angeles radio station that carries my NPR show, Bullseye. And I said, oh, you know, like you should involve us in the auction.

Like, well, you can come. Somebody can come to see a Bullseye taping. Somebody can have lunch with me. Somebody can come to a Jordan Jesse Go taping. We'll send somebody some put this on pocket squares, you know, whatever. Right. And they're like, great. And they accepted all these things.

And then I just started picturing just the elderly people of Pasadena scrolling through the like restaurant gift certificates. Yeah. And like other like products related to local businesses, the cardio bar one month memberships. And they're like, oh, podcast taping. Like who is the person that wants to, I mean, they started at $200 or something. I don't know. And like, who is the person, who is like the elderly Pasadena civic leader, which is who I imagine is listening to KPCC at any given time.

I mean, obviously hundreds of thousands of people are listening to KPCC, wonderful radio station, but significantly we're talking about the Pasadena City Council. Right. Like, which of those people wanted to come to Jordan, Jesse, go and what would they think of it? Over their coupon for a bottomless omelet or whatever. Yeah. As long as we beat the tickets to the Huntington Gardens.

Yeah. Exactly. I'm very grateful. Fuck you, Huntington Gardens. Yeah. Huntington Gardens can go fuck itself. Descanso Gardens all day, baby. That's right. If you're talking gardens, I'm Descanso Fuck you, Huntington Gardens. Yeah, Huntington Gardens can go fuck itself. Descanso Gardens all day, baby. That's right.

If you're talking gardens, I'm Descanso. Descanso. That's where I love to collect my nectar. I'm back. What would you say? I'm back to diminishing returns. What would you say is the top gardens? You got Huntington.

Bush, baby. Bush. Tivoli. Uh-huh. Turn. What would you say is the top garden? You got Huntington. Bush, baby. Bush. Yeah. Tivoli. Uh-huh. Hanging Gardens. Ooh, of Babylon.

You got it. Those are the ones. I mean, those are a wonder. Mm-hmm. Olive. Sure. Well, I've heard that when I'm there, I'm family, so points for that. I don't see the hanging gardens at Babylon with unlimited salad and breadsticks. It's true.

You're limited to how many breadsticks you can have at the hanging gardens of Babylon. Hard line, two or fewer breadsticks at those hanging gardens. That's why they were destroyed in the ancient world. I know. Not enough breadsticks. Same problem with the library at Alexandria. The Colossus at Rhodes. Yeah.

But when you get an entree there, you can also get one to take home. That's true. It's nice. Okay. Brian Fernandez, sunny day. He's been on the boards bothering everyone. The ones and twos. By laughing through the window.

Brian's dog is here with us today for some reason. Alice, right, Brian? Alice is a cute dog. Look at this little puppy. Yeah, I really like that dog. For some reason, he bought this dog on Craigslist. I don't know what he's doing. His wife just demanded a dog.

She thought it was a futon? Yeah. Sometimes you go on Craigslist and you show up to get what you think is a futon, and you have a dog that lives for 20 years. I thought this was a used bike or a hand job. I've never been on Craigslist. No, no. You got it.

You got it. You sort of encompassed the whole list. Yeah. I think you picked up from social cues what it's all about. Job designing a website for a construction company. Mm-hmm. Those are your main categories. I'm a big Craigslist fan.

Yeah, Brian, Sonny D. Fernandez on the boards. You can drop us a line, jjgoe at maximumfund.org or 206-984-4FUN. You can join us on Twitter, hashtag at jjgoe. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is Jordan underscore Morris. What are you, Chris Fairbanks? I'm at Chris Fairbanks. Yeah, keep it simple.

That's a fun thing to follow. You know, it's going to be fun. It's fun. I put a lot of time into it. You follow Chris Fairbanks on there. Not only are you going to get a fun gag every once in a while, maybe he'll share some of his art. Chris is a very talented artist. Thanks.

Thanks, man. I've been drawing a lot lately. Yeah, I love to see Chris Fairman sharing some art. Thanks. I will. I promise. That's my mission statement. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com.

Always a lively conversation there on Reddit. You can also join us on Facebook. Just join the Maximum Fun group and like Jordan Jesse Go. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. like Jordan, Jesse Go. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go.